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Weekend Open Thread

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Block Heel Summer Shoe: Steve Madden Carrson Sandal Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Block heels are where it's at this summer, and these affordable beige sandals from Steve Madden are even more affordable than usual, considering Nordstrom price-matched someone else's sale — they come to $67 (from $89). All sizes are still in stock, and the shoes are well-rated. (For some reason the glitter versions of the shoes are shown as having 37 mostly positive reviews and the others, none.) Another good sign: the models wore them in half of the outfit pictures on Nordstrom sales — someone told me years ago that models often get to chose which shoe they're wearing if they're running through different outfits quickly, so if they wear a particular pair in multiple pictures it's because it's comfortable. Steve Madden ‘Carrson' Sandal (L-2)

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

185 Comments

  1. Is there some secret to keeping tupperware organized?

    Also, any other home organizational tips? I’m moving into a new space, and I’m hoping to get more organized in the process.

    1. Stick to one brand. I like the Rubbermaid easy find. They fit into each other and the lids all click together.

      These shoes look comfy for the height.

      1. Ditto. When I moved, I got rid of all my old tupperware and stocked up on the non-disposable Rubbermaid system in all different sizes. They all stack neatly inside one another, and the lids fit together in a big “clickable” stack on the bottom. I’m often surprised by house much tupperware I own, since it takes up so little room now.

        The only other containers I use are the takeout soup containers, for freezing soup, since I don’t want to shatter my nice stuff, and since I get a new one of those every time I get Tom Yum soup, I don’t care if I have to throw it away.

    2. Purge frequently. We went through our Tupperware cupboard recently, and I was surprised how many containers no longer had lids (or vice versa). Once we got rid of those, and purged the other unnecessary items, it took a lot less space. We also put all of the lids, organized by size, into one of the longer, box shaped pieces. We have to be vigilant about re-filing the lids into the box, but it helps keep things organized.

    3. The best way we’ve found is to keep it in three drawers – one for containers, one for square lids and one for round lids. Only works because we have the space, though.

      1. I have little plastic containers from ikea that I keep my lids in on the shelf – one for the rubbermaid lids and one for my glasslock lids. And I have almost no space.

  2. Yay Kat, Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and these Sandals from Steve Madden! I can see them in person at Nordstrom’s this weekend b/c I am goeing up to see Rosa and the Kid’s! (Ed is goeing away with his freinds camping and Rosa does NOT like to get mosquto bite’s on her skin).

    Does anybody know anything about the Brexit, as it would apply to NY Attoreny’s? I did not study the EU in law school, but all of a sudden, I am suposed to be our firm’s expert on Brexit. Is there a Hornbook I can read over the weekend? The manageing partner wants a full symopsis on it Monday morning, and I can NOT find any power point’s on the Internet to copy and paste.

    If anyone in the HIVE has a link to such a POWERPOINT (even something in Word), PLEEEEASE post it on this thread b/c I am goeing to be shopping all day Saturday and not returning to NYC until Sunday afternoon. As a result, I will onley have about 2 hours to Master this Brexit stuff. FOOEY!

    In any event, thanks in Advance to the HIVE for all of your help. I do NOT know WHAT I would do w/o the HIVE in these instances. I like to think I give as well as recieve, but this is one time that I really need to recieve FROM the HIVE’s BREXIT expert’s. YAY!!!!!

    1. As a fellow 30-something who has tried the bralette, I am an advocate! But. They run small. Definitely try one on before pulling the trigger online. I’m a 34C and wear a medium.

      1. You sound a bit like Ellen! Are you? I haven’t seen her posting. Perhaps she is getting busy with some guy in the Hamptons if it isn’t you that is!

      1. I loved the look of AE’s bralette’s but at a 32D/DD, they simply didn’t fit. If the band fit, the cups were laughably small. They do have pretty options if you can get them to work.

    4. There was a bit on buzzfeed recently of larger chested women trying them. I didn’t look at it but might be interesting to at least know what to look for more so.

  4. Suggestions for ponte dresses that work on really tall (almost 6′) women? Lands End looks frumpy on me and I haven’t been pleased with the quality for the price. Talbots was my go-to until a year or two ago, when they raised their hemlines and made most of their dresses no longer anywhere close to knee length on me.

    1. Some of the Boden dresses in tall sizes might work for you. They post actual garment measurements, so you can check before you order.

      1. +1

        I am 5’11” and boden dresses in long are legit long. I have this dress in long and it fits me like the model.

        I am a big fan of boden since they offer tall/long sizes in most items. Some of it views a little crazy art teacher, but there’s a lot of good quality items there.

    3. Limited usually has a ponte dress in Tall each season, and their talls are always long enough for me (6′ with long legs). Their quality is definitely no better than Lands End, but they are much cheaper (especially since they are always running major sales)

    4. I am 5’10” and haven’t had any luck with the Land’s End dresses. I do however, have a closet full of dresses from the Lauren label of Ralph Lauren. They don’t get much mention on this site but you might want to check them out. They don’t come in tall but are plenty long for my just off the rack.

      http://www.ralphlauren.com/family/index.jsp?fd=Lauren&ab=tn_women_cs_dresses&categoryId=4332103&ff=Brand&fg=Brand&fv=1000022%2FLauren&cp=1760782&pg=1

  5. If you were planning a trip to Niagra Falls, how many days would you want? Is Thursday-Sunday too long? If that’s too much time, maybe we’d spend a day in Toronto instead. Other than see the Falls, what else do you recommend? (No kids, just me and spouse.) Appreciate any advice or tips!

    1. That’s way too long!

      One day is more than enough. I haven’t been to the falls in a few years but the casino can be fun if you’re into that. Maybe the outlets if you’re a shopper?

      I would also check out Niagara on the lake if you like wine (and relaxation).

      And a day in Toronto is great idea because there’s so much to do here!

    2. The falls are great to see but Niagara Falls the town (even on the “classier” Canadian side) is kind of touristy and lame. However, the Niagara area is pretty awesome. I’d recommend staying in Niagara on the Lake as well – Queen’s Landing, Pillar and Post or Prince of Wales inns are highly recommended. This time of year you can do a play at the Shaw Festival in Niagara, and then a day or two of winery tours if you’re interested in that, and then a day of Niagara Falls (see the Falls, maybe do Maid of the Mist, could check out the casino, etc.). Depending on your love of wineries, you may want to do the 4th day in Toronto…lots of us can give recommendations on what to see/do in Toronto.

    3. Depends what you’re looking for. Do you want to sit in a hotel room overlooking the falls and sip champagne and order room service for 4 days, stopping briefly one day to “hike” or take the little boat tour?

    4. Se the Falls in the morning, spend the rest of the day hitting up 2 or 3 wineries in Niagara-on-the-Lake on your way to Toronto, and then spend the rest of the time in Toronto. There’s waaaaay more to do. Like see the pandas!

    5. You only need a few hours for the Falls, and that’s taking into account the Maid of the Mist and riding the Skywheel. In the area there is also Niagara-On-The-Lake if you want to stay on the Canadian side, and Toronto of course, which is a great city. I can also recommend checking out downtown Buffalo/the Canalside district if you get to the Falls: lots of fun things to do during the summer.

    6. Just FYI, the boat cruise on the Canadian side is by Hornblower cruises, not Maid of the Mist. And the Canadian side is vastly better than the American side, so do Hornblower.

      I agree with the above that you only need one day for the Falls itself. Wander around the kitsch, do the cruise, walk across the Rainbow Bridge to the US side, etc. Then do a day of wining in Niagara on the Lake, and drive up to Toronto. It’s a beautiful drive and there’s a lot more to do in Toronto.

      1. You can get much much closer to the actual Falls on the American side. Go to Goat Island and 3 Sisters Island. The Hurricane Deck of the Cave of the Winds tour is a lot of wet fun. It might be worth staying to see the illumination from the Observation Tower if you are there in the evening.

        (someone who grew up 10 minutes from the Falls and goes every chance she can)

    7. Thanks, team. Good info! While I could probably use one room-service-and-champagne day, four is probably more than I am looking for! Sounds like there are some great options in the region: I’ll check out those Niagra on the Lake options along with Toronto. Any great hotel, dinner, or other outing recs in Toronto? I know shamefully little about it!

      1. My favourite hotel in Toronto is One King West for combination of location, price and ambiance. For restaurants: Lee, Patoi, Terroni, Pizzeria Libretto, Mildred’s Temple Kitchen, Milagro, Burrito Boyz, El Catrin, Sweet Jesus, Nadege, Baker Bots. For fun: See the pandas (!), Go to the top of the CN Tower or do EdgeWalk which is AMAZING, Tour Amsterdam Brewery, Visit to the Bata Shoe Museum, Go to a Blue Jays game; see a show at Second City; Shop (or just walk and window-shop) Bloor Street.

    8. Definitely only one day and one night at the falls. Don’t go over a holiday weekend. When I went over Labor Day weekend it was so crowded and surprisingly really hot. I was also bored after the first day.

    9. FYI, there are fireworks over the falls on Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays – we found when planning a trip it meant hotel prices were much more expensive on Fridays than on Thursdays or Saturdays. Just something to consider when planning if you are only going to spend one night there – do you care more about saving money (and/or getting a nicer room for less cost) or do you care about seeing a fireworks show?

      We went on a Friday intending to stay for the fireworks, but we didn’t wind up springing for a hotel where you could easily see the falls, and my kids were D-O-N-E way before it got dark, so that didn’t work out at all.

    10. I think one day is plenty in Niagara Falls. Besides walking around the falls, I recommend the Maid of the Mist boat for a good view of the falls from below and Whirlpool Jet Boats for fun – but bring a full change of clothes. Niagara on the Lake is great for wine and a complete change of pace from the Niagara Falls craziness.

  6. Anyone else buying stock (mutual funds; ETFs) today? Care to share your strategy. Have gotten so little done today bc I’m just watching the market.

    1. I have thought about it and am going to call my financial advisor. It’s tempting to do some bargain-hunting when the market sells off like this, but I might wait for it to settle down before I do any buying, maybe next week.

    2. I’m sitting on some cash and considering it. I think stocks might be more steeply discounted later this summer.

      I’m about 70/30 domestic (U.S.)/international. The international has been taking a beating for the last year so I am hesitant to put more in that bucket. Jack Bogle says that U.S. investors shouldn’t be investing internationally anyway. I’ll probably move my cash to the domestic fund.

      I think we will see a recession in the next 12-24 months. I am considering taking money out of the market to pay down my mortgage to get a super low interest rate. Overall, I am staying cash-heavy because I plan to take a long break from working and go back to school.

    3. I bought the international index fund that I was already planning on buying, but needed a kick in the pants to actually pull the trigger on. Could it go lower? Maybe. But I’m a buy and hold investor so even if it dips a little more, I’m glad to be getting in now. I also upped some of my contributions to my Roth IRA with my domestic index funds. I didn’t fully max out the contribution for the year (this + my international purchase = ouch), but I basically pre-paid a few months’ worth of my deductions since it’s lower now.

      1. I talked to my adviser Friday and he said to avoid commodities and stick to consumer goods and tech. I am in Canada and my portfolio is mostly in Canadian equities with some US ETFs plus MSFT. No Euro exposure thankfully. When things settle down I will buy a S&P 500 ETF which should benefit me should the $CDN head south again.

  7. Looking for advice…wondering how abnormal I am. I don’t particularly enjoy (euphemistic) gardening. I don’t think I’m asexual or have a physical health issue because I enjoy it early on in relationships but my desire for it wears off as the relationship lasts longer, and after a year or so I have very little desire for it ever and basically only do it to please the guy I’m with. I’ve been with my husband for nine years (no kids), but the same thing has happened in all the other long-term relationships I’ve had. My desire for my husband at the beginning of our relationship was much greater than what I’ve experienced with previous partners, and my phase of being into gardening lasted longer with him, so I don’t believe there’s anyone out there I’d have a better gardening relationship with… He’s definitely conventionally attractive. He’s also a great person and partner, and we have a very happy relationship. We love to talk to each other, make each other laugh all the time and hug and hold hands regularly. We do garden together (approximately once a week, although he would like it more) and it’s not painful or bad for me, but it’s not something I really get any pleasure from and if he didn’t want it I’m pretty sure I’d be happy to never have it again. I don’t and never have self-gardened, but it’s just because I’ve never felt any desire to. I’m not from a religious family and wasn’t taught that it’s sinful or wrong or anything like that. I guess I’m just wondering how weird this is and if there’s anything I can do to change it…

      1. Me too. Except I’m also challenged by the low estrogen levels of nursing. 5 yrs of pregnancy, nursing, pregnancy, nursing combined with sleep deprivation due to small babies/children have not helped.

        I’ve got a lot of guilt about this issue.

    2. This is totally normal. I would only be concerned if you noticed any other weird symptoms (depression, weird hormonal problems, etc.), but it’s completely fine to just not be interested in s*x that much. Society would have you believe that it’s totally unacceptable and abnormal, but you are just fine the way you are and your husband has no right to demand more from you. However, I do think that it’s important to make sure relationships are well-matched in this area; he has no right to demand more from you, but if you two diverge greatly, it could spell trouble for the relationship.

    3. Some people just have low(er) s3x drive.
      I have hormone levels that mean I have a really high s3x drive.

      And for what it’s worth, you should try self gardening. At least once. You didn’t say in your post, but have you ever had a clit0ral 0rgasm? I’m not saying having that experience would turn you into a s3x maniac, but if you’re not having s3x in a way that results in 0rgasm, it may at least increase your enjoyment of s3x when you do have s3x.

      I have a LELO vibrat0r and it’s been a real pleasure to incorporate it into our s3x life.

    4. I think getting less interested in gardening after novelty wears off is not uncommon. Something I have seen suggested for this is to make an effort to try new things with your husband, it helps to recreate the feelings you have in the earlier days of the relationship. So trips to new places, new activities you’ve never done, things like that.

      The other part- never self-gardening- I’m not so sure about. That seems, to me, uncommon. It’s hard to say for sure because I certainly don’t survey my friends about it. But kids self-garden instinctively, it’s biological. So if you never have the urge, that makes me wonder if there is something hormonal or medical going on. I think it’s worth checking in with your doctor just to see if this could indicate any kind of medical issue. They might also be able to give you a better idea of how unusual it is.

      1. I don’t know about “kids self-garden instinctively.” I think that’s true for many boys but not nearly as many girls. My sex drive was awakened by boys in college and all my early sexual experiences involved someone else. I only started self-gardening as an adult to fulfill my sexual urges when I wasn’t getting any. I still don’t regularly self-garden when I’m in a relationship. And I think I have a pretty high sex drive.

        1. I started self-gardening at 10 or 11. I was first aware of my own gardening desire (though I couldn’t necessarily identify it as that) as early as 6 or 7? Just anec-data. Not saying you’re wrong, just providing another data point.

          1. Wow. My mind is totally blown. At 11 I still thought boys were totally icky and they were not a topic of conversation with my friends at all. I started “liking” boys by 13 or so but it was sooo non-sexual (I liked one boy and he liked me back and we ate lunch together every day and held hands ONCE). I never felt anything resembling sexual desire until well into high school. But I guess I was a super late bloomer, since I didn’t even get my period until 15.

          2. Young children (I’m including 10 and 11 here) may not do it as a connection to liking boys or anything se*ual. It just feels good, so they keep doing it.

          3. It really has nothing to with boys at that age- they aren’t (usually) sitting down for a fantasy session or anything. They just know it feels good.

          4. I didn’t. Still don’t. Is it THAT weird? Married, garden about 1x / week, it’s fine when its happening but I don’t seek it out and didn’t miss it during long dry spells (4-5 years) throughout late teens, twenties.

          5. I also don’t and never have. I know two of my closest girlfriends don’t either (one never has, one has but doesn’t do it when coupled up). Lost my virginity at 18 and have a happy, pretty healthy s*x life with my husband (3-4x a week, much more when we’re on vacation away from our busy jobs). I’ve read some studies that said 1/6 adult women has never done it, and a much larger percentage have done it but don’t do it regularly. I think doing it is perfectly normal but so is not doing it.

      2. I started self_gardening when I was like, five or so, but didn’t know what I was doing. Eventually I did but it took me until I was 19 and had some, ah, battery operated help to actually get results. Mid-20s until it happened with a partner, and never from the old in and out. So it varies a lot….

    5. Married and we do it probably x5 week, but I don’t think it’s weird or wrong to do it less. I think hormone levels have a lot to do with how much one craves it. I’ve switched birth control methods a few times in the last few years, and I definitely notice a difference in how much pleasure I get from it. I’m much more into it now than I used to be – I know exactly what you’re talking about: not painful, not terrible, but nothing mind blowing. Right now our garden parties are better than ever, which I attribute a great deal to my hormones being primed for that + trying some new things. I’ve always self-gardened, too, and find that to be a different kind of pleasure.

      and +1 to incorporating a vibrant0r into your s3x life. I can vouch for that too!

      1. Wow, good for you. I don’t think I’ve done it 5 times in any single week, ever.

    6. I feel the same way. Gardening feels like such a chore, even though it always ends well for me. I’d rather get a back massage any day. I feel guilty about my lack of desire because gardening is so important to my husband. I have a theory that if I was more physically fit, it might be better.

      1. You might not need to be fit, just exercising. I don’t know why but every time I actually exercise (not very often) I’m in the mood later. Endorphins?

    7. I also do think for many women (this may not be the case for you), we end up shouldering so many burdens around the house or in careers that require advanced planning. It’s so, so hard for me to get in the mood, even if my husband is raring to go, when I have a to-do list a mile long and I know a lot of it will fall directly on me (and this is with a great husband who does a ton of work!). Seriously, nothing kills my drive faster (except for sleep deprivation).

    8. Please try self-gardening! I started self-gardening at around 18. Just knowing what “good” feels like when everything is working versus when I’m not into it is so valuable. It probably took me about a year of self-gardening to get to that point.

      Women’s s3xuality is so different from men’s. Men have tools that “grow”–providing instant feedback to the man about whether he is aroused. Women don’t have that. We have to be in touch with our bodies and actually learn what arousal feels like.

      When I neglect my self-gardening, I lose that connection with my body and it becomes more difficult for my partner to satisfy me. I have a harder time providing direction and just feel like my body is betraying me. When I resume self-gardening, everything comes back and I am ready to go again.

      I would also recommend a toy. The Lelo is very good–I have the cheaper version made by Toy Factory. My favorite is the s-shaped toy made by Toy Factory (The Delight? I won’t google that at work.), it works for indoor and outdoor gardening and has many lovely settings/speeds. You might have to try a few toys to find one that works for you. I’ve gone through about a dozen.

    9. Ooh, you’re me. I gardened with my husband a lot at first, but part of that was being long-distance. When you only see the person once or twice a month, gardening is more important!

      Now, we’ve been married for 10+ years and we garden very rarely (4x a year or less, typically). We have a very good communication system, so we check in with each other regularly to see if the other would like to be gardening more often. He also is not that interested in gardening, so it’s not just me that’s “denying him” or anything. He does self-garden sometimes, though I don’t and never have. We touch, kiss, hold hands, and are generally warm and fuzzy with each other.

      Some peoples’ drives are just different.

    10. What’s not clear is whether you climax with your husband. If not, that is something to explore. The gardening that creates babies leads to climaxes for only about 30% of women, while most women need cli*oral stimulation.

  8. Did you all read that article in the Week (link in the news update) about the privilege of working more hours. INSANITY.

  9. I posted early this week when I was super overwhelmed with bidding a project. Y’all were really great, I took some time and then got the ball rolling on what needed to be done. Then yesterday afternoon I get an addendum to the bid that adds a requirement that effectively prohibits us from bidding on it. We’re a smaller company and they’re requiring references from XX many projects with two different kinds of software and we don’t have that yet. We have tons of projects of this size, just with a different kind of software. And we have demonstrable experience with that type of software. But we’re not the old company that they’ve worked with for 50 years, so screw open bidding in government projects. I just wrote a hail mary letter requesting an exception, but considering they put it IN the requirements after they saw we were bidding, no one is holding our breaths here.

    ahghghhghg…..A long hike with DH and a drink afterwards is something to look forward to tonight at least.

  10. So I need the Hive’s take on something. A woman I know was being deposed for a car accident case in which she is the victim, and the deposing attorney grilled her for several hours about abortions she had many, many years ago– lots of detail, why did you do it, why didn’t you keep the baby, etc etc. Because of course, they were included in her medical records. She was sobbing by the time it was over. I don’t really understand why her atty let it go on for so long, other than to make sure it wouldn’t happen at trial, but now I can’t stop thinking about it.

    Is this common practice? I’m not a litigator, but to me this seems like grounds for an ethics complaint to the state bar. Her injuries were not reproductive in any way, and it was obviously used as a tactic to break her down during her deposition. I’m just horrified and appalled, and I sincerely hope this is outside the bounds of professional norms.

    1. I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t answer as to whether it’s common, but my heart breaks for that woman.

    2. I find this horrific. Her own attorney should have objected on the grounds of relevance. I strongly suspect the deposing attorney was trying to make the process as awful as possible so she would not want to continue with the case. Tell her to not let him get away with it.

    3. Wow. That is absolutely horrible. I am so sorry for your friend. That is not a common practice that I am aware of (disclaimer, not a litigation attorney) and, as has already been mentioned, her attorney should have objected as to relevance!

      1. Former litigator here. In federal cases you can object for relevance but you can’t stop the line of questioning. And you can only instruct witness not to answer in limited circumstances — privilege.

        Her atty can likely go to court over harassment.

        But in any case, I call troll here.

        2. This is true in a lot of state rules, too. You can ask plenty of things you’d never get in at trial. And if you don’t have a time limit on the depo, there are plenty of attorneys who will spend forever on things like this.

        3. Agreed – I’ve been in a bunch of depositions where you can object, but that’s about it. Doesn’t mean that it’s admissible in court, but it won’t stop a line of questioning in a deposition.

          I’m just so sad for this woman though.

        4. These are the strict rules. But you can always just not answer. Always. But, there are consequences if you are wrong. Here, the consequences do not out weigh not answering this line of questioning. Motions to compel or calls to chambers, fine. I’d risk it. I would fall on my sword protecting my client from having to go through this irrelevant bullying. As her attorney I would have loved to write the opposition brief on a motion to compel for this. Her attorney didn’t commit malpractice per se, but certainly dropped the ball here.

          2. Exactly. I would have put a stop to this right away and let the other side file a motion to compel and we can fight it out that way.

          3. Yeap, this is a case for walking out with your client and letting the a-hole on the other side call the judge if they’re so sure they’re right. I would have done that for my client.

        5. You can instruct your client not to answer if it’s the subject of a protective order. You either get chambers on the phone to move for a protective order during the depo, or you can let the depo proceed with the understanding that that line of questioning is off limits until you can formally move.

    4. Not that you will see this because I will be in moderation forever but yes I would file a bar complaint. There is a transcript so it won’t have to be her word against his. Also I honestly would think about filing one against her attorney too.

    5. I agree that this is awful. I obviously have no specific information, but just to speculate answers to your question, it is possible that your friend’s lawyer put her history at issue by making some specific damages claim, such as mental distress caused by an inability to have kids because of the accident (sounds like no, though, from your post). Or, the opposing attorney could have found something in the medical records that contradicted some statement your friend made, e.g., maybe she said she had no history of surgery. Even that is a stretch and I have a hard time understanding the line of questioning.

      That said, unlike at trial, it is improper to object during depositions to anything other than the form of the question. You ague about admissibility, etc. later on. At most you can stop the deposition and move for a protective order to prevent harassing questioning— but then she’d have to resume the deposition some other time. So there were not a lot of options available. The topics covered in a deposition do not have to be relevant to the claims, just reasonably calculated to lead to the discovery of admissible evidence.

      1. Seconded. Barring some reason why this would be an issue (sounds like not), I’d have stopped the deposition and moved for a protective order.

      2. This. I would have told the other attorney I found it harassing but if he wanted to continue with it anyway we would need a court order to say he couldn’t ask that. If I improperly cut him off, I’d have to pay the attorney’s fees. Lot’s of car accidents involve emotional distress and pain and suffering. The attorney will then try to find any other reason you had emotional distress and pain and suffering. I bet he was trying to say you weren’t depressed because of the car accident but because of your abortions. Awful, but likely within the rules. I work in a cordial bar and we try not to be dicks to each other.

    6. That’s abusive. I am shocked her lawyer didn’t stop it- but again, maybe to make sure it didn’t come out in trial and to keep the record from looking “like she was hiding something.” Still though, that’s wildly out of line, and not something that is common practice or that I’ve even heard of (litigator here who has done insurance defense/PI work).

      Unfortunately ethics complaints don’t really cover just being an a$$hole- it’s more like breach of fiduciary duty or messing with your client’s money.

    7. That is horrifying. I’m so mad on her behalf.

      Personally, if I were her I’d file a complaint. I have no idea whether it would go anywhere, but it might make me feel a little better to stand up against the bully.

  11. How do you handle tipping at an all-inclusive? The room rate said gratuities were included, but there are so many reviews on TripAdvisor that say they tipped the staff for every meal, drink, etc. (maybe not 15%, but something). I was SO looking forward to having a pre-paid vacation and not seeing money flying out of my hands every day like I do normally, but I also don’t want to shortchange hard-working people who are relying on tips. WWYD?

    1. Tip for good service. Tip a couple bucks. You won’t be getting bills at meals or with your drink order, so it won’t be tied to the value of the meal. But if you feel compelled or if you’re going to have the same waiter every night or you want some extra love from the bartender, drop a couple dollars. Based on my own experience, there’s no expectation of tipping at all-inclusives (at least in Mexico), but it’s always appreciated. If you do an excursion, I’d suggest tipping 15% based on the cost of the excursion.

    2. I’ve always considered all-inclusive to cover tips as well, so I’ve just left some cash for the housekeeper. I was at one in Mexico recently, and didn’t see anyone tip (or even any way to really do it) at the resort (and I know from past experience at Mexican non-all-inclusives that tipping is usually pretty big down there).

    3. I was similarly nervous after reading Trip Advisor before our all-inclusive honeymoon. However, a little extra, above and beyond, goes a long way. I took out a lot of $1’s ($150ish for 11 days?). We had an awesome server who attended to us all day at the pool. So, the next day, when we were in the same spot, we gave her $10 and we were treated like royalty. Same thing for the bartender we saw every night. I didn’t tip extra for the spa treatment (no natural opportunity to). But, really, it was super low stress and yes, TECHNICALLY, tips are included.

    4. I always tip at all inclusives. The first day, I will usually make friends with the bartender at whichever bar I think I will be hanging out at the most and I will usually give them a bigger tip to start off. After that, if I go up to the bar myself, I usually leave $1 but if they are being delivered poolside, maybe $5 every other round. Same with housekeeping. I also try to make an effort to tip the groundskeepers a bit as they are out in the hot sun at all hours and they never get tips. This has been the case at every all inclusive I have visited, regardless of country. I have to say, in response to the posters above, I have been to Mexico several times and everyone was tipped there as well.

    5. We always bring $100 in $1 bills for tips but usually don’t use it all. We leave a buck each at meals and give the bartender a couple bucks on the first day. Never have to wait for a drink after that.

    6. Depends on the all inclusive. One of the great things about Club Med is that tipping is never expected.

  12. Not uncommon. Once medical records are in, the whole history is fair game in a deposition (though not at trial … judge will weight in on relevance before then). I do employment cases, and sometimes have to submit client medical records if I’m seeking emotional distress damages … I warn my clients ahead of time that completely irrelevant things … abortions, infertility treatment, herpes diagnoses – they all might come out during a deposition to get my client afraid of pursuing a claim. It sucks.

  13. Hi! Any recommendations for a furniture refinisher in DC? I inherited a small dresser from a relative and would like to have it refinished. Anyone hire someone to do it and have good results?
    Or if you’ve done it yourself, can you please share any product recommendations?

    1. You can do it yourself but it take more time then you’d think to get some varnish off. Use a good quality stripper and follow the instruction. Once the old stuff is off, staining and varnishing is easy – just go with the grain and follow the instructions re what type of sanding to do between coats. I recommend you try it – people usually love it and get into wood working / refinishing, or…they hate it, but at least they know!!

  14. Ever feel like you can’t talk about the things you care about? I work with and am friends w people who talk about their interests. They’ll tell you in detail how they baked bread all weekend using some new yeast starter. Or they’ll talk about the newest tv thing they’re binge watching. One of my biggest hobbies is the market and investing. It isn’t unusual for me to spend 3-4 hrs researching oil futures and forecasts or potential rental properties. Yet I feel like I can never say that bc then you’re that gauche person discussing money or you look like you’re bragging. But then bc I never say a word, I look like the kind of person who spends their downtime staring at the wall.

    1. Yes, this is me. I don’t have a ton of friends to start with (fewer than 10 good ones, and even that is a stretch) and I feel like people would be very bored to listen to me talk about what I like to talk about so I just find myself making glorified small talk 90% of the time. Idk if this is normal; what SHOULD I be talking to my friends about? It just doesn’t seem right to bring up my interest in an obscure type of poetry if I know for a fact that my friends know nothing about it and won’t really care.

    2. Honestly, I just embrace my nerdom. If I’m super into something and someone asks “What have you been up to lately?” I’ll just go for it. Most of the time people are more stimulated by your enthusiasm for your hobbies rather than what the hobby actually is.

      If you’re particularly sensitive about the money part of it, you can tell people you’re really interested in real estate or geopolitical impacts on economy or learning about global financial markets. You don’t necessarily need to tell them you’re putting your own money into it. When I tell people I’m into interior decorating no one thinks what I mean is “I love spending money on furniture and decorations!”

      1. +1 Focus on the things you are learning about the companies you are looking at, or what you are hearing about the market implications of such-and-such, rather than how much money you made with the latest stock jump.

      2. I love when I meet people with unusual hobbies that I know nothing about, especially if they are passionate about them. It will just make you seem extra interesting, I think. One of my neighbours is a slam poet and social justice activist and I could listen to her speak about these things for hours because they are so important to her.

      1. If these are your actual friends, I highly doubt you can do this for long. If you say you’re reading — people will naturally ask what. Even coworkers will ask what you’re reading as people tend to want recommendations for their commute.

    4. As someone with an unusual hobby that is so different it could out me, I realized that some people are activity partners and some people are there for mutual emotional support. It’s great when you can find both in a person, but it’s not always the case. For example, as an older single, I balance this by spending an afternoon or early evening with friends and their young kids, and later go out dancing because it makes me happy.

    5. OP, I am slowly dipping my toes in your hobby, but as a person with a moderate income and tons of debt, it’s slow going. Any advice as to what to read? I am also interested in studying trends and planning for the future.

    6. You might consider seeking out a friend or two with the same interest so you can talk about it together? Not saying to drop your other friends, but this seems reasonable. Kind of like how I talk about running with my running friends a ton, but only mention it vaguely with other friends. Not sure what to tell you about your baking friends talking to you in depth about their yeast though! ;)

      1. Yes, I would agree with this. If you are looking for a quick answer to “what did you do this weekend?” or “what have you been up to?” or “what do you do in your spare time?”, I personally don’t think it’s gauche to say “Oh, I’m really interested in economics and how politics effect world markets, so I spent a lot of time reading about Brexit and it’s effect on the Dow this weekend” or “I’m thinking about buying a rental property someday, so I’ve been researching what’s out there on Zillow and fell down that rabbit hole for 3-4 hours”. That would take care of the “I’ve got hobbies, I’m not a total bore” aspect.

        But if you want someone to talk details with, and actually get excited for/with you, you need to find someone who shares those interests, or at least parallel interests. For instance, we own rental properties, and so do a couple of family friends (and we have also had people ask us about it because they are interested in whether they should do it) – so when we get together with them, it’s not uncommon for us to talk shop about whether it’s a good time to buy or sell, have you ever had problem X with tenants, have you seen property Y and do you think it’s overpriced at $Z or do you think it would rent for $W a month? While I don’t go into detail as to exactly how much money we make a year from it (and also, it would be a totally guesstimate because I don’t know off the top of my head), my husband and I don’t mind answering specific questions about things that are available on the internet anyway, like how much rent we charge for certain properties (because they can see that whenever we post for new tenants online if they are paying attention) or how much we paid for the properties (because that is public record, also available online and easily found). We also don’t hesitate to tell people that it’s a crap ton of work, and what it takes to make money in our market (in our area you have to be fairly handy and willing and able to do a lot of DIY and basic handy-person work yourself, if you have to outsource to a property manager or bring in contractors for every problem you will be lucky to barely break even, and our property values aren’t rising fast enough to make it a good investment without putting in the sweat equity).

        So there, I just nerded out on my life because you sound like you might be interested- but with my co-workers I tend to stick to “Oh, spent the weekend dealing with clogged drains at a rental property, ick” or “I’ve been busy emailing back and forth and showing one of our units to prospective renters – man, there are a lot of clueless people out there that don’t seem to get that I’m not going to drop everything to show them an apartment after they canceled on me the first 2 times we scheduled them to see it”.

    7. If you’re at all familiar with Reddit, there are some great investing, stock, personal finance subreddits that might be an easy/safe way to communicate with people about your interests!

    8. I don’t think discussing the market is gauche or braggy (unless you are in fact talking about how much money you made vs what you think the market will do), but most people find it a pretty boring topic to chat about.

    9. Darn, I was all ready to chime in and then I realized you weren’t asking what I thought you were asking – I thought you were going to complain about having friends/dates who only talk about themselves, because I definitely have that problem.

      But yeah, I think talking about the market probably only appeals to a certain subset of people.

    10. Can I be your friend?!!! No, seriously, I think this might be more interesting to your friends than you think. We’ve talked on this website before about the social taboos around talking about money, and the result is a lot of ignorance, especially among women. I think if you were talking about what you had researched and the pros and cons of your next investment move based on that (as opposed to actual figures, which does seem tacky) then I, for one, would be totally fascinated. Your current friends might be too, or come to be.

  15. Pep talk needed. I realized that I need to fully overhaul my resume- I’ve just been updating the same ‘pretty dang good’ one that I’ve been using for a while.

    I’m looking to move up. It’s time- I’ve been in my current job for long enough, have a couple people I supervise, and am just at that point.

    I spent 45 minutes yesterday staring at a word document with my name on it. Today, I’ve been (actually really) working at this for 90 minutes and have my header, education, and then like 15% of the rest done. Somebody kick me in the a$$. Thank ye.

    1. DO IT! I revamped my resume a year or so ago for job hunting and was a bit surprised at how good I looked on paper. You will thank yourself!

      1. Thank you! I think I just need a kick in the butt.

        Also, I switched the font from my beloved Garamond to Century Schoolbook and now look oddly… governmental? official? Supreme Court-y? on paper.

        (Yes, I have procrastinated to the point where I’m trying out new fonts.)

        1. Also, it made me tons more confident in going into job interviews. I also think I got more interviews because my resume sounded great.

        2. Oooh I love how SCOTUS Century Schoolbook looks but it made my resume 1.5x longer.

    2. I am in this boat too, sister. 100%. Pact to quit procrastinating and get it done? Should we give ourselves a deadline of 4:00 pm on Sunday to have some real, solid progress if not have moved it to completion? I will be thinking of how good it will feel to just get it over with and of the doors soon to be opening!

    3. Why are you starting with a blank document? Start with the pretty dang good version and then edit!

      1. I realized it’s a ‘I just got out of grad school’ resume, not a ‘I’m fairly established in my career doing things’ resume. That’s why.

      2. THIS. And make it as long as you damn want and then go back and cut stuff. Don’t feel like you need to keep it to a page limit on the outset.

    4. Separate from the resume, make a list of all the jobs you’ve had since graduating college, starting with the most recent. Then take the most recent half (to start) and fill in the things you did there (everything). Use this fact/brainstorming document to help you create the marketing version of your resume.

      1. I like this. I’m going to do what you and Meg Murry have suggested and do some general brainstorming.

    5. Sometimes it helps to get out of the resume template and either take up pencil and paper or a blank document and just start writing some bullet points, mostly for your current job, but also for previous ones.

      Do you have written annual reviews, and are there any highlights you can pull from there? Did you have a goal to do $X in business or achieve a Y% reduction in something, and did you hit that goal?

      Sometimes it also helps for me to think either “What would my boss say is my strongest skill?” or “What would my boss brag about me?” (if you have a good boss) or “What have I/my group accomplished that my boss has tried to take credit for?” or “What would the director of my division put down as this year’s ‘wins’ that I/my group was responsible for?” (if you have boss’s that like to brag and/or take credit). Or what can you say your direct reports/team achieved as a result of your leadership?

      It’s hard to brag about yourself sometimes, so it’s easier to imagine other people doing/saying it, or bragging about a team accomplishment that you played a big part in.

      The other nice thing about having a blank document with lots of bullet points is it allows you to quickly customize your resume with specific points related to items in a job description – so if you did A, B, C and D at your current job, but the job you are applying for seems to focus on A and C, you can add lots of those points, and just mention B and D once in case they are also selling points but not in the description.

      If you aren’t applying for a specific position yet, can you just look at ads and/or your own job description and make sure you are hitting the high points there or to give you an idea of more to add?

      1. I have a very tailored resume for the field I’m in and plan to stay in for the near future. Once I look to expand, I love the idea of a master resume.

        1. But you can expand first and then tailor later. Get your sh*tty first draft stuff out for now.

    6. It has helped me to “shop” LinkedIn for ideas, phrasing, and other inspiration for resumes. Basically I look at profiles of people who have similar jobs to me (and who have hopefully been very detailed in their LinkedIn setup). It often sparks memories of things I have worked on or gives me new ways to phrase certain accomplishments.

      1. Just be sure to set your preferences so it doesn’t show anything about you to those whose profiles you view. Then switch to the other way once you’re sending out applications.

    7. You can do it!!
      Because I look at resumes ALL DAY- I would suggest a value added format instead of the more traditional version with long lists of the duties and responsibilities that were required for each position. List the company and a one sentence description of what the agency does. Then give bulleted blocks of quantifiable achievements and value added accomplishments that you contributed while in each role. It will make the overall format cleaner and easier to read. Your personal contributions will be clear and the difference you made for the company will be plainly emphasized. Percentages increased, dollars saved, programs implemented, number of direct reports managed/promoted.
      Bragging is easier this way :)

  16. Happy weekend hive- DH and I are leaving in one week today for a vacation to London (from July 1-9). Any recommendations for must see items or restaurants? We are staying near the British Museum, if at all relevant. Thanks in advance!

    2. Spend time in the British Museum. It’s wonderful. The Mesopotamian exhibits and the Egyptian sculpture halls are great. I also like the jewellery room in the V&A.

        1. Thirded. I would also do the following:

          – National Portrait Gallery (probably my favorite museum in London)
          – British Museum
          – Tower of London
          – Walk along the Thames/across the various bridges
          – Tate Modern
          – See a show or two
          – Visit a pub or two
          – Tea and scones (if you want a nicer “high tea” I enjoyed the one at the Orangery at Kensington Palace several years ago )

          And save some time to just wander around – London is a great walking city.

    5. I’d just like to note my jealously of your timing…my trip 2 months ago would have been so much cheaper (one plus-side for Brevity, at least for non-Brits)

    6. I can’t believe I’m saying this but the currency markets are so wonky that you shouldn’t rely on being able to charge to your US cards. Bring cash.

  17. How would you respond if you had been there for a friend through a really hard time in her life for the past year-plus and then the one day you say that you’re having a bad day and want to talk about it, she says she “isn’t really in the mood to talk right now?” She is still going through a hard time (her mother died a few weeks ago after a long illness), but it seems a little odd to just completely shut me down when we’ve had plenty of other conversations about serious or silly topics since it happened. I would prefer to just go talk to another friend, but the issue I want to talk about is something I’ve only shared with this friend before.

    1. Also, just to add to this, I can honestly say I’ve been there ANYTIME she has needed me for the past year (and I know that she does appreciate it – she has said so). I guess that’s why I’m feeling hurt about this though.

    2. Of course it’s not fair.

      But fairness isn’t really the inquiry. If she just lost her mom a few weeks ago, she’s still in a bad way. And I don’t think you’re ever entitled to have your friends just drop everything, no matter what, and listen to you vent. (FWIW, I have a friend who always starts phone conversations with “did I catch you at a bad time?” and I’ve taken to doing that, too. I think it’s presumptuous to assume people are or should be always available.)

      I’d suggest presuming good intentions on her part and either trying again later or talking to another friend.

      1. If her mom had a long illness and passed a few weeks ago I think her having a terrible year plus and not having the bandwidth to take care of anyone but herself is legitimate.

        1. +1

          I’m a little surprised you don’t realize this, if you have been so attentive.

          I also found that after my Mom died, and with the hell my family had been through, it was very hard for me to relate to people with “normal ” problems. So many people didn’t have very good perspective about life…

    3. Is there a possibility it was just a really, really bad time? I’m usually the friend that’s always always always there for people but I’ve also dealt with a lot of BS this year and there was once or twice when I literally could not handle taking on someone else’s problems, even when I cared for them immensely. I felt terrible about it but I was so deep into my stuff that I could not responsibly be there for that person. She didn’t say she didn’t ever want to talk to you about it. She said right then was not a good time. She may feel badly but had to prioritize her own emotional health right then. Maybe something was going sideways with her mom’s estate and she was in crisis mode. Maybe her siblings just got in an argument about who got her mom’s favorite necklace. Maybe her dad was completely dependent on her that day for care and companionship and she just had no mental energy. It sounds like you and her are very close, but I wouldn’t take this so personally, even though I know it hurts.

      1. It wasn’t a bad time for her (she is in a very slow period at work and is literally watching Real Housewives all day) other than it being a bad time in general with her mom dying. I guess I’m just annoyed that she couldn’t carve out 5-10 minutes for me (I had work all day today and wasn’t asking her to be there for some marathon sob session) when I have always, always, always done it for her, regardless of it being a bad time for me many times. I guess I’ll try to just move on though – I do see the value in vegging out with bad TV during an emotional time. I think I might be more pissed that this is a pattern for her and not that it happened this one specific time, but obviously it is not the same to open that can of worms with her.

        2. If she just spends all day watching RH I suspect she is still in a very very bad time.

          1. I agree.

            Look, it was great of you to be available for her 24/7/365, but that is not normal or usual and I don’t think it’s fair of you to expect it back from her on demand.

            And I wouldn’t be so cavalier about “bad time in general.” I don’t feel like it does anybody any good to make her out to be a bad guy here.

        3. “other than it being a bad time in general with her mom dying”
          Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play!? Jesus. Have some compassion. Her mother DIED. She is not in a good place.

          1. I was there at her mom’s bedside (several thousand miles away) in addition to being there 24/7 the entire year. She is one of my best friends and I loved her mom, who was like a second mom to me after my own mom died, very, very much. I should have phrased my sentence better when I was typing quickly, but it was not a lack of compassion.

          2. I hear you, ITF. It sounds like you need a break from this friend for your own self-care.

        4. Different people can be “there for you” in different ways. It sounds like you are the friend who is the really good listener. Other people might be the friend that is always willing to drive you to the airport at dark o’clock, or the person that brings you chicken soup and gatorade when you are sick, or the person who shows up armed with boxes and tape to help you move, or the person who sends you cute kitten pictures when you are down to cheer you up, or the person who just hugs you and lets you cry on her shoulder, or the person who hunts down *just* the right present for your birthday.

          This friend isn’t able to be the good listening friend right now – either because she’s dealing with her own stuff or because she just isn’t that person. Or if you were texting or emailing, because she didn’t get how important it is to you to talk to her right now – or maybe she does, but she just can’t deal with one more negative thing right now.

          I don’t think you need to drop your friendship with her, but you probably need to find someone else to talk to, even if that means starting with the background. Or maybe you would feel better pouring it all out in an email, or a post here.

          But I’m sorry you had a bad day, and I’m sorry you weren’t able to get it out by talking about it with your friend. Just because your situation isn’t on par with “my mom died” doesn’t mean you didn’t also have a crappy day that you’d like some sympathy for.

          1. Thanks so much, Meg. This actually really hits the nail on the head. She really is the friend who will show up for so much other stuff like driving six hours to see you when you’re in town for one night, but listening is not her strength and it’s possible she didn’t get that I just needed to talk for a few minutes today about something serious. Given the circumstances, I think I especially need to cut her some slack for that. I appreciate the solid advice.

        5. Just because she didn’t TELL you it was a bad time doesn’t mean it wasn’t. She has zero obligation to inform you of every little reason why she can’t be there for you right now. Her mom just died. Cut her ten thousand times more slack then you are and stop being a selfish brat.

    4. I’ve been there. Multiple times. I tend to overextend myself to help people who, as it turns out, have no interest in doing much of anything for me. When you do so much for someone it’s hard to not have some expectation that it’ll be reciprocated. Not that you do things for others because you’re expecting a pay off, or you’re keeping score, it’s just a, I thought we were close enough that we could be each others’ shoulders to cry on because I’ve done that for you so many times; now I’m realizing I’ve never really asked that of you and the one time I do you shut me down.

      It doesn’t mean you have to cut off your friend or do anything dramatic, but let this inform your interactions with her in the future. She is putting herself and her needs first, as she should, and you should do the same. Learn to protect yourself better.

      1. Thanks for this – I think you are right. It’s hard when the friend that you think WOULD be there for you isn’t, but I clearly do need to protect myself from this more.

        1. I know how you feel. I totally get it. but I agree you need to worry about yourself and take a step back. Although, if you need to vent, i will gladly listen!

      2. Been here multiple times as well. I’ve learned that if it’s a habit, I have to accept it and generally the friendship changes because real friendship Oakbrook one side. (Granted, this depends on the relationship, could be that the friend is really great in some other way.)

        I’m actually going through this now, but neither friend involved is having a tough time. One is busy (but more so with a relationship that she’s basically ditched me for than anything else), other just has a different schedule than me. I try not to take it to heart, but when you really need a friend, it’s rough.

      3. I was there several times in my twenties, and I agree that it sucks. You think that because you’re willing to go the extra mile for someone, they’ll do the same for you, and some people won’t. In this case, she has a pretty good reason for not being supportive, but I completely disagree with the pile-on that you’re getting for being selfish or lacking empathy.

    5. I don’t think you can blame your friend for not being in the mood to talk about your stuff only a few weeks after her mother died. Whatever your problem is, unless it’s an immediate family member dying, it’s trivial compared to what she’s going through now. Many people would welcome the distraction of talking about silly stuff, but everyone grieves differently and if she wants to still be focused on her own loss a few weeks later, I think that’s pretty normal.

    6. Her mom died a few weeks ago. Unless what you needed to talk about was you mom dying, hell no.

    7. As someone whose Mom died almost a year ago, I think you’re missing the empathy button. I still have days when I feel like I’m in a fog because she’s gone. And I’m not just dealing with my grief but the grief of my father,who lost his high school sweetheart, and the grief of my younger siblings. Not to mention the rest of our extended family and all her friends.

      You’re entitled to your feelings but right now you need to see outside yourself and how your friend is struggling. Unless her mother raised you, you can’t begin to understand how it feels for her. Find another outlet for your bad day and let her heal.

    8. A few weeks ago was not too far away from Mother’s Day, additional fuel for the fire of grief.

  18. Several times in the past few weeks commenters have suggested Living Proof as a line they had a lot of success managing wavy/curly hair (albeit an expensive one). I have moderately frizzy 2b/2c hair. Overall I’m pretty happy when I straighten it, but I would love to be able to just let it dry and have it be wearable. Mainly I’m looking for smoothing. If I wanted to try one Living Proof product to see how it works for my hair (it’s cost prohibitive to buy everything before know it works), what would those of you who’ve had success with it recommend I try?

    1. I’d recommend Perfect Hair Day. It works well for my wavy hair and my daughter’s curly hair.

    3. If you’re still here, I tried the curly hair product in the small travel size (I think $9 or so) before committing to the bottle. Highly recommend this course of action!

  19. So, I’m finally catching up on Daredevil and finding it hard to suspend my disbelief over some of the liberties they take with how lawyering works…. Apparently, my knowledge of the US legal system is no longer based on the media, it’s based on fashion blog comments ;)

  20. I have a wardrobe challenge. I own a small business and spend most days working from home. There are days when I will have several in person meetings that require me to look professional. My challenge is how to look professional while spending a significant amount of time walking around outside between meetings in the DC heat and humidity. When I say I need to look professional I don’t need to be wearing a suit but more on the business casual side or a slight step up from that. I would appreciate some suggestions including comfortable shoes and good lightweight bags.

    1. Block heels are good. Look at Aquatalia and Rockport (although I don’t see any block heels currently). Many people like AGL from Nordstroms. I was also impressed with the brand Cobb Hill, although I haven’t had a chance to put them through the miles…er…paces. They are owned by New Balance.

      No help with the humidity, though. If you find anything to combat that, please share!

  21. I am in a back office job in a very large department with a large institution. There are 2 managers, with the senior manager not assigned to me deciding everything. I have been wanting stretch assignments but the managers will not give it to me. When asked why, they don’t provide a reason.
    I have the most productive person in my department, according to the statistics. Most of my office mates don’t keep regular hours, I do. During crunch holiday season, I don’t call out sick. My work gets assessed all of the time, and my work is better than average. I am now one of the most senior people in the department. Even though I have many of these positive factors going my way, I get an average rating in work performance from my manager. When asked how I can improve my rating, my manager has no suggestions.
    The group that is assigned to the senior manager get the high performance ratings and the interesting stretch assignments. A few members of my group, assigned to the junior manager, also get a few stretch assignments.
    I am an ambitious person, and I am frustrated that I can’t get the feedback from my manager on what I need to work on to get an above average rating. I also want to get a stretch assignment, and I am frustrated that I am not provided a reason why I am denied.
    If you ask me what I think of my managers, I think they are highly subjective people who like promoting their friends. Some of the people in the department they have known for at least 6-8 years and are personal friends. They see me as a person who can the bread and butter work that no one else is particularly interested in doing. They got away with not rewarding me in the past, and they figure that they can continue doing this in the future. Basically use me, and if I leave, who cares.
    I have tried applying outside the department but have been rejected. I am not going anywhere anytime soon.
    What should I do? I want to get feedback on how to improve my performance from average to above average, and obtain stretch assignments. If denied, I want to be provided a rationale of what I need to work on to someday get a stretch assignment. My large institution is very procedural oriented, so I basically want the managers to follow company procedures even though in the past these managers have not been.

    1. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you’ve answered your own question — these folks have decided you are not an “insider.” They are happy to have you do the work, but for whatever subjective reason (personality, appearance, whatever) they don’t see you as one of them, and thus they don’t see you moving up. I’d consider putting more focus and attention on looking for another position, possibly outside of this institution if necessary.

    2. Couple of thoughts:

      It is possible that the junior manager is hoarding stretch assignments for him/herself. That way, the manager gets to show off on the fun, high-profile assignment to the senior manager, but the daily stuff is still done to a very high quality because good old You is such a dedicated, reliable employee.

      As for performance reviews: after you get an “average” review, despite (by metrics) doing very well, send an email to the manager(s), copy HR, and request a meeting to discuss with HR present. Have your ducks in a row, including the productivity elements and the fact that they would not tell you how to improve. If that is not the procedure at your company, find out what the procedure is and follow it.

      I would not mention the stretch projects there, but have your data prepared as a rebuttal (eg, you asked six times over the course of three and a half years and were always turned down without explanation) in case your manager says that you’re average because you did not do stretch projects.

      Have your “ask” ready, as in, are you asking for a higher rating on your review? or are you accepting the rating but want concrete methods to fix it (and pre-determined follow-up so that your performance can be documented against benchmarks set at that meeting)?

      The next time you are denied a stretch project, send a follow-up email, stating that it is company policy that those be given to employees, that you have asked on X number of occasions, and that you would like an explanation as to why you have been consistently denied, despite company policy.

      1. Thank you both for the fantastic advice! I have renewed optimism and work to do based on your suggestions, Bridget.

      2. You can do that, but it’s not going to get you anywhere. Julia nailed it – something you’re doing is off there and your best bet is to find a job elsewhere. And dot forget that getting along with people matters tremendously – doing good work and being the best widget maker doesn’t equal success.

  22. The partner group noticed a drop in team morale so decided to treat us to a Beyonce concert. My guess is that they asked around what “young” people are into these days so managed to get us VIP tickets to her Formation tour in Dusseldorf.
    I do not listen to Beyonce (more of a classical music lover) but want to dress up for the event yet still be comfortable. Any suggestions? I know 2 partners will attend the event. They are the ones footing the bill and I have seen the most senior one in jeans and t-shirt at a sports related event.

    1. I also went to a Bey concert as a work event. How about skinny jeans and a dressy top? Shift dress and heels? Have fun!

      1. Would not wear heels to a concert unless you live in them. I’d go skinny jeans with pointed flats and a dressy tank. (also- have fun! )

    2. I’d probably go with jeans and a wider (but not super tall) heel or boot and dressy top.

      Have fun!

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