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Weekend Open Thread

anne-klein-scuba-sheath-dress-greenSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Happy weekend! I don't know why, but I keep coming back to this green scuba dress. It seems like a lot of look for a weekday, so I like it more for a cocktail look — add a sparkly statement necklace and away you go. (For some reason, and I've really no idea why, it reminds me of Miss Scarlett from Clue, even though her dress was entirely different.) The dress is $94-$129, available up to size 16, over at Amazon. Anne Klein Women's Positive Negative Printed Scuba Sheath Dress This plus-size green dress looks lovely, and this velvet green dress in regular sizes is also kind of amazing. This off the shoulder dress is much simpler but is very nice too. (L-all)

Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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326 Comments

  1. I need someone to come figure out why my new-ish AC unit in my old house isn’t that effective. I’m guessing we need insulation in the attic, and I would like to figure out if we have leaks around the house. Basically, I want an overall assessment not from an AC guy, because I don’t want “just buy a new AC.” Who would this person be? And, long shot, any recommendations in Houston?

    1. Not Houston, so no recommendations. But I’ve been in your shoes – had an HVAC repair guy (recommended by a neighbor) come by to assess my unit and venting. One thing he recommended was to install a fan in the attic window to blow the hot air out.

      1. +1

        Is this a new house, for you, or just a new AC?

        You need appropriate venting via your roof soffits, to help the hot air rise and get released. Some old houses were not built with enough venting. There’s actually an equation to calculate the square footage of venting you need for your sized house….. Any heating/cooling person should know this if they are good. We re-did insulation. We also had a fan installed to assist this. Unfortunately, the fans are notoriously prone to break, and if you have an inaccessible attic you sometimes can’t tell if they are working or not. They can burn out with time. Some fans come with a remote control screen so you can monitor them from another floor, which I recommend in theory, but those didn’t come with good reviews when ours was installed so we got a standard fan.

        If you are going to be in the house long term, I truly recommend planting trees, assessing first floor windows and see if adding exterior roofs over uncovered decks etc… to decrease direct sun streaming into exposed glass etc.. are possible.

        And old houses have a ton of leaks. A ton.

        Sometimes the gas/electric company in our area offers to do free assessments of your home to recommend energy efficiency things. I did this for my last apartment. They helped me fill a few gaps and gave me recs for keeping my apartment cooler in summer and warmer in winter, gave me a few energy efficient light bulbs, installed a new water efficient shower head and a water efficient kitchen faucet… all for free.

          1. Yeah, mine is 100+ years old. Your AC may need a good cleaning, if you were getting better results in the past. If it has always been sub-optimal, then consider the other things posted.

          2. Also in Houston — my house is 65 years old and the AC unit is about the same age as yours. A few random notes:

            – yes insulation, yes yes yes

            – have it cleaned and serviced and have them check the freon level (I haven’t had this done since I bought the house a year ago, and the seller was the one who had it done then, so, sorry, but I don’t have a recommendation)

            – check the orientation of the vents — the cold air should be pointing at a window or door or other source of hot air, not towards the center of the room

            – ceiling fans help quite a bit

            – check what kind of light bulbs you have. Older lightbulbs give off a fair amount of heat, which your AC then has to counteract. New LED bulbs are much more efficient and don’t do this.

            – I did have my electric company (Reliant, but I think they all do this) come out and give me an “assessment” on energy efficiency

      2. You should have an energy audit done. Google “energy audit Houston” and also see the BBB’s recommendations for how to select a contractor to do the audit.

    2. Most HVAC contractors clean and repair AC units, they’re not just out to sell you a new unit. If anything, they’re more interested in selling you a service package so they’re your first call when you do eventually need a new unit. I just had mine cleaned this year and it really made a difference.

      1. +1 on cleaning the coils on the outdoor unit. After spending the summer wondering why my house was always so much hotter than everyone else’s even though we bought a top-of-the line new AC unit just a few years ago, I finally had the HVAC guy out for our regular annual maintenance at the end of the summer. I was amazed how dirty the coils were when he showed me. The cleaning cost a couple hundred dollars in addition to the regular maintenance fee, but now the AC is working great. If I’d done it at the beginning of the summer, I’d probably have made that $$$ back in energy savings.

    3. There’s an agency here in my state – NYSERDA – that will do an overall evaluation of the energy efficiency of your house. They’ll make recommendations about energy leaks (and sometimes there are tax benefits for making the changes they suggest). Is there a comparable agency in Tx?

    4. I think our power company actually offers an overall energy efficiency assessment. You might see if your’s has a similar program.

    5. Thomas at AC Plus in Spring has been really good to work with. He’s an “AC guy” but he worked with my husband to identify problems with our unit that made it run inefficiently and was good about doing follow-ups to tweak things if extra work was needed.

    6. Our local power company came to our house and did a *free* assessment of our home’s energy efficiency. They also replaced up to 50 feet of duct work at no charge. They recommended a few things I didn’t do, but they also recommended the appropriate size AC system. I also get my AC system serviced once a year. I’m in florida, so we use our system a lot.

    7. You may also need to change your filters much more often than you are. Especially if you have filters that are supposed to filter out more allergens than a typical filter, they need to be changed more often. I have often been surprised at how much cooler the house is after I have changed the filters.

      1. I’m not sure what the system is there. I’m used to having a utility delivery company (ConEd in NY), and the option to select another electric provider, like a green energy company. Does Centerpoint deliver your utilities? If so, read through the rules on the linked s1te. If not, check to see if your utility offers something similar.

  3. I am planning on going to Sedona, AZ in about 5 weeks, solo, to just hike and hang out/recharge. Any recommendations for good hikes and good places to eat would be appreciated! Also, am I nuts for hiking alone? I feel like there will be enough people and I’m not going anywhere remote, so it should be okay.

    1. I’ve been to Sedona for hiking twice and, if you stick to the major hikes, I’ve seen tons of solo hikers and never felt like you should be worried. It’s so gorgeous. I’d recommend doing one day in the red rocks area, then driving into the Oak Creek Canyon area on the way up to Flagstaff the next day.

      I’ve only gone for day trips, but loved doing a morning hike in Sedona, having breakfast/brunch at Ken’s Creekside on the patio that overlooks the red rocks, hiking, and having an easy dinner at Wildflower Bread Company (which is basically a chain and a fancy Panera but god for quick food).

      Bell Rock is a cool first hike because you can climb pretty high up and get some amazing landscape photographs.

    2. Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open thread’s and Sedona!!!!

      I was in Sedona with Rosa about 8 year’s ago, b/f she got MARRIED and when I was a VERY new attorney at law. We just stayed at the Sedona Country and Tennis Club by the pool b/c it was so nice and dry. We did NOT go hikeing or bikeing, tho other’s did. You must remember that Sedona has alot of “new age” peeople, which translate’s into guy’s who are old hippy’s and older women who do not shave there underarm’s. There also were biker’s out there with Motorcycle’s. They were VERY interested in me and Rosa, but we were NOT interested in them b/c they just wanted “dates” that night. FOOEY on them!

    3. I visited Sedona about a decade ago and went on a pink jeep tour and loved it. We got to see parts that are less accessible by foot and it was very fun and relaxing and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

    4. My brother works at the Kimpton there and I know that he would recommend you make friendly with the staff so that at least someone immediate to where you are can keep an eye on if you return from hikes. Having grown up in AZ , I know hiking in public areas seems like it’d be care free but it isn’t. Anything can go wrong and what if it’s that one time no one is on the trail for an hour or two that you are? Or you had to go off trail for a bit b/c of a rattlesnake, not uncommon… otherwise, have fun and good luck!

    5. You will be fine – there will be plenty of other hikers and people out and about. I was there a while back in May and December and enjoyed it thoroughly. Climbing to the top of Bell Rock was wonderful and moderate, if not easy. There are plenty of trails, including vortex-based ones if that is up your alley. I’ve passed wedding groups as well as other solo hikers, one of them on their second heart! Also hiking solo! If you want a slightly more structured reflection space, there is a chapel built into the red rock that has a dramatic view of the region.

      It does get cold and snow is possible triple-check the weather and dress in layers to keep hypothermia at bay. (I also did Flagstaff/Grand Canyon, so this may be more about being north) The ground-critters are well-fed there, so it’s best to park your pack where a squirrel will not chew into an exterior pocket. Email your itinerary to someone and make sure your gps or phone is all charged up, put it on airplane mode to save your battery while you are out & go for it.

    6. I love Sedona. In general, there are many people around and I think you would be fine to hike alone. There are lots of good trails there. The mountain biking out there is just amazing if that’s up your alley (Sedona Bike & Bean rocks). The pink jeep tours are fun, if kind of cheesy. We usually rent a jeep and drive ourselves, but we’re experienced four-wheelers and usually with a group. If you don’t have lodging yet, we stayed at Red Agave Resort once and it was amazing. Tlaquepaque is a … complex? with some restaurants and galleries. Oak Creek Brewing (located in Tlaquepaque) has OK food, good beer and amazing views. I think there is also a good mexican restaurant there. I second Wildflower Cafe for good quick food. I also think you would be well-served going up the road to Oak Creek Canyon for at least a day. It’s amazing how quickly the ecosystem changes. Drive to the top of the canyon to enjoy the again (amazing view). I also would keep going to Flag because it is awesome. :) Plenty of fun hiking there, too.

    7. I LOVE Sedona– I’m not a hiker but just love the scenery and the vibe. My favorite spot is Elote. No reservations and often a long line, so you might try them on a less-busy weeknight. Try the elote (Mexican street corn for which the restaurant is named) as an appetizer. I also like Red Rock Café for breakfast. They have a giant cinnamon roll that is delicious (but huge). I second the recommendation for a Pink Jeep Tour; they are fun and efficient.

      1. At the high end, I loved the Enchantment resort/spa there – right in the red rocks and lovely indoor/outdoor pools. The Auberge property there is also really nice – it’s on a creek and has a woodsy feeling, which isn’t as typical of the area.

    9. Sedona memories cafe is way better than wildflower! Call ahead with your order and pick up (don’t forget to get a cookie) before driving to Cathedral Rock, that’s my favorite place to hike.

  4. This is a lame old-lady question, but will someone please help me with my facebook???

    My aunt sends me gif after gif after gif via facebook messenger. Is there a way to turn off notifications from her without blocking her or turning off notifications for all messages? I can’t handle another “national teddy bear hug day” gif for the love of god, but I still want to get notifications for other messages I receive from her or others.

    1. There is a mute option, I believe! If you’re on a smart phone, swipe left and it should be there.

      1. THAT IS IT! Thank you. Now I can go back to feeling relatively tech-savvy.

        1. If it makes you feel any better, I just learned that I could mute group texts on my phone last week :)

          1. Woah really? You may have just saved me from all my siblings who forget about the time difference and love late night group texts!

          2. If you only want it muted overnight, you can adjust your do not disturb settings to automatically do that.

          3. I discovered this about a month ago and it was life changing. I literally thanked the person who showed this to me at least 80 times.

          4. I just figured this out and it is a lifesaver with my All Sisters group text, another group text, and the texts I receive from Hillary’s campaign. I want to see them, but all the dinging in client meetings…not good!

          5. I always forget that the DND thing exists. I’m going to set that up. Thanks for the reminder!

  5. I’d love some ideas from the hive of good things to send to a close relative who is in the armed services and will be deployed in Iraq. He loves to read but I don’t want to send him any books that are depressing or focused on war/hardship as he is already prone to depression. Snacks or candy need to be the kind that won’t melt in the desert, which rules out chocolate. Let me know if you have anything you would send if you were in my shoes.

    1. Does he have an e-reader? Ideal for traveling with tons of reading material and none of the weight. Then you can buy him e-books over time and have them sent to his e-reader as additional gifts.

      1. Second the e-reader suggestion. This was the best gift that anyone gave me before I moved overseas for a year.

    2. Keeping in the theme of biographies from this morning – what about biographies of comedians or books by comedians? Totally unrelated to his situation which might be a nice escape and connection to pop culture at home.

      1. Be careful with this – a lot of famous comedians struggle with depression and substance abuse issues. What about sports or nature travel books?

    3. My parents used to send my BIL magazines when he was on deployment. I don’t remember which they sent, but I’d want Time, the Atlantic, the New Yorker, the Economist. GQ is a possibility, but beware of sending anything “naughty”, so maybe watch out for the cover photo.

      2. Harpers! Good selection of depth-investigative stuff as well as literature and photography.

    4. There’s a great list here: http://www.armywifenetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/commonly-requested-items-for-soldiers.pdf

      When my cousin was deployed I tried to send a lot protein-based snacks– jerky, tuna, nuts. Those MREs are really bland, so anything to add flavor is apparently appreciated– flavored salts, hot sauce, bbq, sweet and sour sauce, etc. Just be sure to wrap everything in ziplock bags so if something spills it doesn’t get all over everything else.

      He also requested socks.

      Above all, I think being deployed is really lonely and often boring. So, photos from home, funny notes of things that happened in your home town, and other personal touches are really appreciated.

    5. When my sister was deployed to Iraq, she used to ask me to send her magazines, baby wipes, Gatorade powder, batteries, and chips (of all things). This was during the 2003 invasion when they apparently didn’t have access to showers or electrolyte beverages, so I’m not sure the baby wipes and Gatorade powder are as important now. Games and puzzle books (e.g., sudoku) are fun. Photos, letters, and kids’ artwork are also nice.

      For non-melting snacks I’d do trail mix without chocolate, nuts, Chex Mix, or cookies without chocolate. Put anything that could possibly leak or melt in a Ziplock bag.

      1. +1 to all this. My husband has been deployed much more recently than 2003, and things like baby wipes, Propell (sp?) liquid to add to water, batteries, and any snacks that won’t melt are still appreciated. But also, don’t worry too much about melting; my husband really wanted Reese’s peanut butter cups, and they did melt a bit, but he didn’t care (just send in a ziplock). And gum, as anon noted below.

        1. Oh, and iTunes gift cards. Or Amazon. Amazon actually delivered to where my husband was (probably not applicable to all locations).

      2. Approximately 90% of the world’s baby wipe supply is now piled up at military installations in the Middle East; you’re safe to leave room in the care package for things that are more fun.

        1. +1 no more baby wipes, hand sanitizer or sunscreen. Drinking water gets boring and things like Mio flavors are appreciated. Also decent coffee.

    8. When I did this, I’d send over jars of PB, a bunch of current magazines that he might enjoy, granola bars, nature valley bars, etc. When I asked what he really wanted, he said Gillette shaving cream, since it was really hard to get to use with the disposable razors (which I *think* I was also able to send, but pls. check as regulations may have changed.)

    9. Does he like graphic novels? They seem to be really popular with guys that age. You can get kindle versions.

      Personally, I like the Saga series (by Brian K. Vaughn, I think).

    10. If you have a Trader Joe’s nearby, they usually have a ton of seasonal products. I sent my bf themed packages about once a month while he was deployed (e.g., in October, pumpkin/fall themed goodies; in December, peppermint/holiday themed goodies). They don’t really get the seasons and the holidays over there, so I think it’s a nice way for them to still experience it/feel more like home.

      Really any trail mixes, bars, snacks, oatmeals, teas, etc are a fun way to mix up the standard foods they are receiving on base, and even allow them to skip some meals.

    11. Anything that can flavor water, Cheez-its, nuts, cookies (just wrap them super well), pie in a jar (google this), fruit leathers/fruit roll-ups, shelf-stable chocolate milk, protein powder and preworkout. Magazines and paperbacks are good, also Amazon gift cards for Kindles if applicable. Do not send baby wipes or socks, they get so many of them and they’re usually not great quality. Darn Tough or Smartwool socks are your best bet if you’re going to send them anyway.

      This is going to be an unpopular opinion since I am not a fan either, but consider sending tins of chewing tobacco. Not my preference of how to spend my money but it will certainly make someone’s day.

  6. My nearly five-year marriage is in serious, serious trouble. A combination of my biglaw job and very heavy hours, a 1.5 year old kid with responsibilities falling on me far more than I would like but also the fact that kids are so very much work for everyone, long hours for him at his job, and other stresses. No time for myself, no time for him, no time for marriage, just work, kid, sleep, repeat. Resentment, frustration, anger have been building up for months and are coming to a head. I don’t even want to kiss him, and I’m pretty sure his love language is touch, so that’s a major problem. We can’t seem to talk at all without arguing for over an hour (both litigators), getting increasingly angry and frustrated and causing further damage without actually resolving anything. And then I have to bill more afterwards.

    It is clear to me that we don’t know how to talk to each other, we don’t know how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way, and basically that we don’t currently have the skill set we need to resolve this, if it is resolvable. Neither of us grew up in families with good marriages and I think we don’t know how to be better. I know I don’t at this point. We both would like to resolve it and stay married in a positive relationship for our own sake and our kid’s, but there is very heavy baggage right now.

    Looking for commiseration, book suggestions (note: we are not religious), strategies, and advice. Therapy would be great except see above re: no time, particularly time during business hours. And DH is dubious about marriage counseling in general, though he would go if I insisted and we found a therapist we could click with. But again, no time.

    1. So, I am going to recommend therapy, but not necessarily marriage counselling.

      I think individual counselling is better, at least at first. And that way, at least, you don’t have to coordinate your schedules to go. Even if HE won’t go, it could be helpful for you.

      There is also a book by Gottman, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.

        1. This may be my first ever reply, but here’s a third vote for the Gottman books. There is actual serious science behind this guy’s work. Like STEM field brain imagery science.

          Also, it gets better. Sleep deprivation is real!

    2. It sounds like your two BigLaw jobs are the main issue. Long hours, lots of stress, and no time to do anything outside of work, kid care and chores. Something needs to give. Are you both associates? Are you both trying to make partner? For me, my husband made partner (not law though) first, while I treaded water as a so-so associate, and when he got to a place where he had more flexibility and less stress, I lateralled to a bigger firm and did the 2 year run-up to make partner. I was just elected to partner last week, and I can say that the only way I made it work was that for 2 years, DH was willing to do most kid care (we have 3 kids, now in elementary), most of the household chores, and had zero resentment about it because it was MY TURN. So, it took longer for me to get there, but if you want to make partner, you can do it (although maybe at a different firm and a stint as of counsel or part-time associate). Or, you can hire an au pair or nanny and outsource a lot of the chores so that neither of you needs to do as much around the home. You are not super human – nobody who is sleep deprived, constantly stressed, and has to work a ton of hours can bring their best to a relationship. I think if you solve the work problem, the rest will follow.

      1. CONGRATS!! I said this to Lorelai Gilmore too but I am just in complete awe of female partners at big firms with kids. And 3 kids, wow!

      2. Congrats!

        Also in law and former BigLaw, now in-house at a financial institution. My husband is not in law but is in management consulting and routinely works more hours than me. 2 kids. The only way we’ve made our marriage work is to take turns in career/childcare. Sometimes he needs to focus on his career more and I’ll dial back and help more with the kids. That doesn’t mean not doing work – it means maybe not going to as many business development events, not billing 2200 hours versus 2100, etc.

        Do you both love your jobs? Do you love them at the expense of your marriage? Because that’s what it is going to boil down to.

      3. So I have also been married for 5 years and have a 1.5 yr old and my husband works very long hours. I am in government law though, so it’s very 9-5. I feel pressed for time myself and our relationship has definitely suffered at times so I cannot imagine how you have been making this work. I agree that you have to make some time for the relationship. I don’t know how specifically you could do that in your life, but no amount of marriage advice books will help if you don’t have time together to implement it. I think somehow you have to find time to just be together as a couple, without working or parenting responsibilities.

    3. You won’t be able to solve any of this until you find time to. So I think that’s the first step. I know things are busy and overwhelming so look at where you can outsource any and everything and then give yourself time. You sound understandably overwhelmed, and I agree with with counseling for yourself first.

      1. +1 You need to resolve the time issue first. Once you have time, the issues in your marriage may resolve, and if they don’t, then you’ll have time to address them. Something has got to give: either your job, his job, or your child. Maybe you or your husband or both need to pull back at work. Maybe you need to outsource more of your child’s care. Probably a combination of all those things. I KNOW it’s hard to pull back in a litigation practice – I KNOW IT IS – but your job is not worth losing your family over. You are stronger together than apart.

        1. Also, individual therapy can be really helpful for learning how to draw boundaries around your family at work. I honestly used to feel like setting boundaries at work was not possible so when people told me to do it I would dismiss them thinking “they don’t understand my job – it may be possible for them but it’s just not possible in my profession”, and therapy taught me that I was wrong about that.

          1. THIS x 1,000,000.

            Side note; My therapist sorta specialists in women with extremely demanding professions- most of her clients are doctors or lawyers. She gets it. What you don’t want is a therapist who doesn’t, and just says “oh well have you thought about maybe taking a yoga class? surely your boss won’t mind.”

      2. I’m not married, am not in law, take this with as many grains of salt as necessary, etc., but could the two of you take the same day off of work sometime soon, send the kid to daycare or wherever, and then sit down, hash out all of the conversations that you need to have, and make a plan for moving forward? Like next Friday or Monday to make it a three-day weekend? Just to have a block of time to get things kickstarted.

        1. This is a great idea. You won’t solve everything in a day but at least take the time to make a road map. Even a half day (go in at noon on Monday) might give you both a bit of breathing space to make a plan.

    4. also in law, but amazed that we’re so willing to sacrifice family, relationships, healthy lives for a job that’s universally reviled.

    5. The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman.

      INDIVIDUAL therapy (yes, it is time that you don’t have, but a divorce will be more time consuming). At least with individual therapy, you don’t have to coordinate your schedules and I think it works better anyway. At least as a first step.

    6. Former biglaw litigator here and I will give you the advice that my divorced mentor gave me: no job is worth your family. You will both have to make time for the relationship if you want it to survive. That will likely involve an hour or so with a marriage counselor. I suspect you know this but are maybe secretly hoping there is an express version and unfortunately there isn’t. (Even divorce and divorced life after — especially with kids — isn’t easy.) I would sit down with him and say I think we are in a bad place and I really want us to get to a better place. I think we need some help. I know you feel so busy and stressed and I do, too, but I think unless we want resentment and anger to build that we have to do something to make it better. And I think it would be most helpful to get help from an expert. I am in this if you are, can we do this together?

      2. Picking up 0n this, I noticed you said “Neither of us grew up in families with good marriages and I think we don’t know how to be better.” Marriage isn’t easy or automatic. It’s hard work to not take out life’s frustrations on the person you live with day in and day out. You both have to invest energy and time to make it work.

    7. Yeah, it sounds like you need to be in therapy. You have to make time for it. It’s your marriage. And I really feel yours is salvageable, from what you have written.

      And maybe you can try sitting down with him and talking about the long hours you both are working, and really step back and talk together about how you see your life going forward. Do you both want to continue working as you are forever? Is this what your lives are meant to be? If you both together can admit things aren’t working the way things are going now, maybe simply admitting that together is the first step.

      Because you guys have a ton of choices. A ton. And sometimes you forget that what you are sucked into the spiral.

      Sometimes throwing money at daycare/cleaning people/prepared meals etc… isn’t the answer. Maybe it’s time to say what is truly important to you in life. And see if you are on the same page.

    8. I’m on a similar trajectory. There is a (weekend?) program called Retrouville that is for couples in strained relationships – it’s often paired with Marriage Encounter as a support to couples who are struggling, however it is open to all couples and you can ask

      The perks – it’s typically a weekend, and a bit of a jump-start to how-can-we-improve-when-things-are-falling-apart, so you block the time and call in child care and move forward. You get a couples-retreat with solid coaching and practice in a supportive environment.

      The con – you may have some exposure to religious people or references, however this is really about Your Relationship, if that can stay in sight, you are golden. You can call your local organizer and ask them a thousand questions, too.

      I also mention this because, with the magic of Google searches, sometimes similar programs come up.

      On a professional development level, mediation and collaborative law courses have some tenets of effective conflict resolution written into them. Litigation is essentially based on competition, and you and your spouse are on the same team, which makes in-team competition particularly damaging.

      I wish you way more than luck!

      1. I did Retrovaille (sp?), with my former husband. It was a great program, and, my husband actually liked and respected it. Likely because they have so many men involved in leading the program. This is a program for seriously troubled marriages…mostly couples trying to save a marriage with substance abuse, affairs, and other crisis causing issues. I don’t recall how much religious language was used (I’m a liberal Protestant, so occasional religious language would have suited me)…my recollection is that it was not a situation that would cause tremendous discomfort for someone non-religious. Most of the couples were Catholic, as would be expected. They do ask for a donation at the end, but it’s a voluntary donation intended to cover expenses. Overall, Retrauvaille was fantastic. My ex talked about it with respect for months afterwards, and, it gave us some tools to learn to communicate, and a path to continue forward. Obviously, my marriage still didn’t work, but I sincerely think that if there had been anything there worth saving Retrouvaille would have helped us find it. I would encourage it for couples who think it might help.

        1. Oh, and one more comment – it’s very private. It’s about you and your relationship.

      2. I’m really sorry. Lots of good advice here. My additional advice:

        a) figure out how you want this to end at the beginning. If “happily married and good parents” is the answer, then remember that as you go into these discussions with your husband. TELL HIM that’s your desired outcome, and ask that he ask himself that question also. If you’re ok with being divorced (or think that would somehow be easier) then that informs things too.

        b) Totally 100% agree to throw money at everything. Also lower your standards. Do the best you can at your job, and do the best you can at being a mom, and be ok with sometimes being mediocre with both. Housekeeping/dinner/crisp pressed clothes/being a good friend/etc all have to be at a much lower priority while you’re treading water. You may also want to look into different ways of hiring people. In addition to a babysitter/nanny you may want to look into a mother’s helper — or even a house manager.

        c) Did you read the post last week on CorporetteMoms about being the “default parent”? That — and all the commentary and links about “emotional labor” may be very helpful to you. (Esecially the video someone recommended, “Sh!tty Sh!tty Feminist.”) The idea is that men who say “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it happily!” are lousy partners because it tasks the woman with KNOWING what needs to be done, delegating it, keeping track of who’s doing what, and then NAGGING until it gets done. No one likes that.

        d) OH, and: date nights. Every two weeks, or every 1 week if you can. CRUCIAL when the kiddo comes. You need to get out of your house and your Fisher Price toys everywhere and get dressed up and remember what it means to be a human, that your husband is a human too, and to be a human with your husband.

        Good luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

    9. 1) I think that you are in a sweet spot for marriage tensions and I empathize so much with you. Having kids is a huge, huge adjustment for both people in the marriage, and it can really do a number on your relationship. When my husband and I were in that spot, we ended up making some huge life changes – we moved to a new state, which came with career changes for both of us. It didn’t automatically fix it, but it made things better. And it gave us enough space so that we could actually help the marriage get better. And in some ways, it was really helpful for us to take some control over our lives – to imagine what kind of life we wanted and then go get it. We both felt trapped by work/kids/life stresses – and it was so liberating to no longer feel trapped.

      2) Can either or both of you scale back at work to give yourself more time? I think that part of the issue is that you both have terrible, long hours, and it sounds like you’re both exhausted and stressed. I am also a BigLaw litigator and I found that going part time was a life-saver. Other friends moved firms.

      3) During the really bad times, I repeated the same thing over and over again: This is not about you versus me. We are on a team. This is about what’s best for Team Braverman. When we had hard moments, I kept trying to dig really deep to find the most generous, kind version of myself and respond from that place, rather than the snarky, snippy litigator. I think that there is a tendency to give your spouse the worst version of yourself – work, life, kids all get Good Lorelei, and DH gets the dregs. Resist that tendency!

      4) Outsource as much as possible. If this is about time, throw money at the problem. More cleaning, more childcare, whatever.

      5) Make these changes. But also, consider looking into therapy. The Gottman Institute is my favorite recommendation – I would look for a Gottman-trained couples therapist. I haven’t done the workshops, but I think it’s kind of a brilliant idea for a reboot – you step away from life for a weekend and use it as a moment to invest in your marriage.

      It sounds like you have a lot of love and a lot of stress. I really encourage you to make changes – even if they are big and scary – to get the life you want, and the marriage that you want. These are the moments that test you and your relationship. It’s worth it to take time and invest in your marriage during these hard moments. It will serve you well, it will serve your child well, and it will pay dividends over your lives together.

      Good luck.

    10. This is probably going to be unpopular advice, but I would seriously consider leaning out into a lower stress job. No job is worth your marriage. I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but Big Law kills a lot of marriages. I’m not suggesting you quit completely or take a job so low-paying that you become financially dependent on him (that would bring a whole other set of stressors) but there are a lot of jobs out there with less demanding schedules than BigLaw that still pay plenty to live on, even in a big city. If you genuinely love your job and can’t imagine doing anything else I might hesitate, but I didn’t sense a real passion for your job in your question.

      1. I could not help but notice that you did not suggest that her husband lean out…

    11. This sounds so tough and I’m so so sorry. Sending you a big hug.

      Some concrete suggestions from a former Big Law litigator:

      1) One of you needs to move to an 80% schedule or maybe even a 60% one ASAP. Your current life is not sustainable. When do you even see your kid? It’s all just way too much. If moving part-time is not possible, I would urge one of you to consider a less demanding job. Your marriage is worth infinitely more than a job. There are many, many fulfilling attorney jobs which don’t require you to sacrifice your life (I’m in one now and love it so much)

      2) Until you get to a point where you can reduce your workload, I would consider hiring a full time nanny or even a live in nanny. You need full-time help (or maybe even 2 nannies working 80+ hours a week).

    12. If time if your major roadblock to therapy, check out a web based therapy. I personally have been using TalkSpace for almost 2 years now when my high stress, long hour Law job got in the way of my ability to schedule and keep regular face to face therapy sessions. TalkSpace also will provide marriage counseling that works like a mediation- you both have your own individual therapists that will help you come together to learn how to resolve conflict.

    13. I just started reading Crucial Conversations due to some conflicts at work, and I think it could be helpful here, too.
      And this may seem obvious but… you get vacation time, don’t you? Could you prioritize one just the two of you, and get childcare?

    14. Lots of good advice on this thread. My YMMV suggestions: Go into crisis mode and outsource everything (housekeeper once a week – bonus for housekeeper that can grocery shop and/or make dinners, extra nanny or college kid to do pick-up/drop-off or errand running, meal delivery, grocery delivery, dry cleaners that deliver/pick-up from your office/home). Throw money at everything.

      I wouldn’t suggest going to 80% or any long term changes for either of you now but can you take a day off (with him as others suggested) or by your self if he can’t. Or even a whole week if you can swing it. Use that time to find a therapist, care[dot]com to find a housekeeper/part-time nanny and to do anything else that might relieved your stress. Agreed with the other poster that said finding a therapist who says “try yoga for stress relief” isn’t good but if you could take a day off you might want to schedule a massage or a pedicure for pampering and stress relief.

      Good luck and I hope it gets better for you.

      1. I’m curious why you are discouraging her from the 80% option. In my view, 80% at Biglaw is equal to 100% at a normal workplace. I’m considering it for myself in a few years because it sounds great with little downside except for less pay.

        1. In case you’re still reading, 80% in big law doesn’t help day to day – it’s not like you can say “oops it’s 5:00 I’m going home” when your case or deal is hot. It ends up meaning 100% unpredictable availability for 80% pay. No thanks.

    15. Gently – is this the life you want? You and your husband are making choices (even if it doesn’t feel that way) that prioritize your jobs over everything else in your life – marriage, kid, personal sanity. Everyone here is miserable, and you kid is on the brink of being old enough to recognize it.

      Personal opinion? Big law works for those who want their job to be *the* most important thing in their life. It’s a choice people make, and some are happy with it. But some aren’t. Most aren’t. For both you and your husband – if staying in the job is the most important thing to you, you’ll need to pay for more child care and you might lose your marriage. Is it worth it?

      I could, and happily did, work 90 hours a week from ages 25 – 35. Work dictated everything about my life, and that was fine because being a BIG LAW LAWYER was the primary (only) part of my identity. One day I didn’t want that to be my life any more. And you know what? It was fine. Great, even. I had a hard adjustment into a ‘normal’ work schedule (50 hours a week, government lawyer), but I saw my husband more than an hour a night, I got to know my kid, I developed (gasp) hobbies, and it all worked out. Now I feel tremendous pride in being a ‘working parent who has it all.’ And I really do feel that way.

      So, hugs. It’s hard. But it isn’t hopeless, you do have choices. Actually, you’re actively making choices, now, to live this way. Is it what you really want?

    16. I am so sorry. My husband and I went through a similar stressful period when our kids were younger and we were busy with careers. We added an extra evening nanny/household helper for a brief bit to give us some breathing room and time to eat dinner together and reconnect.

      If you can afford the extra expense for a short while – even a few week nights, it could free you up to reconnect and parent without feeling so worn out. An extra pair of hands can be so helpful. Many nanny agencies could help you with this without taking up too much time or making you feel more overwhelmed. It was a life saver just to have someone play with the kids in the same room as us while we ate dinner. She also fed the kids and/or cleaned up after to free us up more quality family time. We used the extra help for about a year, and it was very worth the cost. Especially if you don’t want to do therapy.

    17. Somebody has to take a step back from work. You can’t out source everything when you have a toddler. One of you needs a break. Seriously. If it is like this for you and your husband, imagine what your baby is feeling?

    18. I strongly recommend “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbamds” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It’s a fantastic book, especially for those of us who didn’t grow up with a good marriage to model from childhood.

  7. Can anyone recommend a no-iron button front shirt for a narrow-shouldered hourglassy pear? I’ve had good luck with the fit at Express in the past but would like something less prone to wrinkles and maybe a little nicer/more durable.

    1. I’m a pear, but not narrow-shouldered. I like the no-iron shirts from Brooks Brothers, which comes in different levels of fitted-ness (if that’s a word). I also like the no-iron button downs from Banana Republic. My shirts from both places have been work-horses so it’s worth the extra $$ in my opinion. Don’t ever buy stuff from BR full price though – they have discount codes almost every day.

      1. Thanks! I just took a look at the Brooks Brothers site. Any idea if the “fitted” or “tailored fit-fit” is more fitted? Which is your preference?

          1. Thanks. I’d looked for cut descriptions but not thought about the size chart–this is really useful.

        2. I think the fitted is more fitted, but I’m not positive – might be worth a call to an associate. I prefer fitted because I have a small chest and I think anything not that fitted with look boxy on me. The one issue I’ve had is the length on the shirts change from year to year and sometimes the length is too long to keep it untucked, which is my preference.

  8. Had some genetic tests come back today and learned that something genetic in me basically renders SSRI’s (which I’ve been taking for my whole adult life) ineffective for me.

    Kind of a relief–I just felt like I was untreatable. We’ve just been upping the doses for years and switching to different ones! (never sought out proper psychiatrist, just had PCP write scripts).

    1. Do you have a psychiatrist you are seeing now? That is critical for you.

      Anyone who doesn’t see benefit on their first medication for depression, despite increasing the dose, should probably move to a psychiatrist for recs.

      There’s also a genetic trait where you metabolize folate differently, and it means that even if you are getting enough in food, it is not being transformed into the form that crosses efficiently into the brain. The result is that you are low in folate in the brain, which can have mood effects and even thinking problems. So some people who are not showing good results on SSRIs are put on a formulation of folate that does readily cross over into the brain, to see if they feel better. And sometimes it works. The psychiatrist will know about this, but the primary care doctor will not. The folate sister vitamin is Deplin (brand name) and Costco can get you the generic version L-methylfolate. It’s not cheap, so I would talk to your psychiatrist about it.

      There are also meds other than SSRIs. For example mirtazipine, Buproprion, and the SNRIs (cymbalta, Effexor) and all have cheap generics now.

      1. Is the Costco one OTC? I didn’t see anything about the folate issues on my form, but am not really reading it too intently.

        1. http://www.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052970204368104577136850522166664

          I think you need to ask the pharmacy to order it for you. I’m not sure if they require a script or not. There may be places to order it online without a script. Strictly speaking it is a “medical food”. So silly. But it also means that it isn’t subject to purity testing etc… so I always stick with big name providers when I get vitamins etc..

          I have mixed feelings about it. There isn’t good date proving it helps, and maybe no one will do the clinical trial (because trials are pricey and this is not a med owned by a big pharma company that would make a bundle off a successful trial result). But the logic makes sense, the vitamin is relatively safe, and you can try it and stop it if it doesn’t help.

          1. Anecdata rather than scientific info, but Deplin was prescribed for me a number of years ago and it was more effective and helpful than I ever thought possible.

          2. More anecdata – my husband was prescribed Deplin and also found it very helpful. I remember there were some issues with insurance covering it and it was expensive, but I think that’s changed since he switched providers.

    2. Yes! I recently had this done too. I have been on Deplin for almost one month now and it has made a major difference. It is owned by Nestle Foods and they have a mail order pharmacy that will allow you to purchase a 90 day supply for about $175

      There is a newer, higher dosage, and cheaper version hitting the market this month. It will be available through Walmart Pharmacy and Publix Pharmacy.

      1. Costco can order the L-methyl folate generic for about $40 per month. We buy a year supply at a time for $145.

      1. It was a cheek swab in the doctor’s office, and they sent it off to a lab. I got a print out several weeks later of several different items re:genetic elements, and how they the genes could potentially affect reaction to various medications.

        the psych also said that one of the genes was correlated with a proneness to binge eating (which is true, just something I hadn’t really talked about with anyone).

        I’m sure it’s got mixed reviews in the medical community, but I’m interested to see if there’s a difference from a different type of drug, or at least save my $$ on stuff that is ineffective.

        TBF, I never thought drugs were that effective, but didn’t have the time/energy to keep making appointments (in law, 2 small kids, not a lot of time to be hanging around waiting rooms for an hour for a 20 minute appointment across town) or be labeled a “drug seeker”. I guess I always thought, “I must be really bad, if I’m taking __ dose of [drug that helps others], and still feel like this” instead of “i should talk to doctor about this not being effective.”

  9. I’ve posted this before but I recommend Gottman Institute stuff. We had done marriage counseling previously with a therapist who had successfully treated my depression but who was not a great couples counselor. Switching to a Gottman trained counselor made a huge difference (maybe it’s just that counselor but the methods were very different). They also have books.

    The best thing in your situation might be the 1-2 day retreats they offer. Maybe he’d be open to a ‘weekend get away’ and you can see from there if ongoing counselling is something you want to pursue. I really think getting a third party involved whether via retreat or ongoing counselling is important to breaking the litigators arguing situation. Focus on getting him to acknowledge that you are both unhappy and it needs to get better.

    The other thing that has helped our marriage is acknowledging that there is just more than two people worth of ‘work at home’ in managing our lives. We hire as much household help as we can (including folding laundry and putting it away). So while it often feels like “how can I be so busy? It must mean the other person isn’t trying” when often times they feel the exact same way.

    2. Not the OP at all, but an anecdote: We didn’t really want to do a counselor-suggested marriage retreat at all, my husband is an extreme introvert with social anxiety and would hate opening up in front of people. An individual counselor for me said, maybe that’s why you two should do it, to challenge yourselves and your suppositions and standards.

      We still haven’t gone, but it gave me food for thought.

      1. Just wanted to note that the Gottman ones don’t require you to talk in front of others:

        “No public discussion or disclosure is involved. All work is done as a couple and Gottman trained therapists are available to support one-on-one during exercises.”

        That’s the only reason I’d ever consider one if they had one in my city/weekend trip distance.

  10. I work in a very male dominated industry with a mix of white collar & blue collar employees and 80%+ male. (Think Dunder Mifflin). Next week there is a giant publicity event where all blue collar employees will be wearing pink for breast cancer, forming a “ribbon” and being photographed by a professional photographer. There is no precedent for this with any other disease or cause. I am fortunate to not be directly affected by breast cancer in my family however for some reason I am feeling incredibly patronized by this. For the record, I also sort of feel this way about NFL players wearing pink in October too. Is this something I need to just suck up and get over or does this feel off to anyone else?

    1. Well, I’d try to let it go. If it even gets a few of these guys to take a minute, think about the women in their family that have been or could be effected by breast cancer…. then it may be worth it.

      As an aside, there are a lot of people who suffer from many other types of cancer (and none of them get any of the publicity that breast cancer does, or the funding….) that are resentful of things like this. That opens up a whole different can of worms.

      1. Thanks for the gut check. I think the issue is how it is being handled in the office, like making a big deal of all the women and giving them pink gear. Like, lets bring awareness to cancer – great, but it is turning more into you are a women, you should love all this pink gear we have around now!

        1. Now THAT is inappropriate. I want all of the guys wearing their pink shirts…. and pink ribbon pins.

        2. That drives me crazy too. And like, I care about br**st cancer sooo much that I would deign to wear such a girly color! You should feel so lucky!

    2. Does it work better if you regard it as a team-building activity? The selection of pink was not chosen by your employer or the NFL – it’s branding, like autism’s puzzle pattern. These diseases and conditions wreck havoc on the people with the diagnosis, their family and friends, as well as the communities they touch. I’m glad that everyone, including the guys, are participating. Guys can be on board. Talk to them, often they know someone personally who has been affected by breast cancer. In my level of family and cousins, My brother and 4 male cousins have married women who have developed, and beaten, breast cancer after 40. All of them have at least one male child.

      You may want to consider if it’s the pink-on-guys or if internalized misogyny is rearing up, though it just may be that the blue collar rank & file may be all low-brow on the location of the cancer. We want the guys to be on board, however we don’t want them to go all stupid on it, right?

      1. Agreed, but it was chosen by my company. They didn’t choose to wear puzzles for autism, or red for heart disease. Why can’t we support a wide range of cancers? We recently had a current employee pass away from a different form of cancer – why is the only fundraiser for that form of cancer an employee-led bake sale? I do not disagree at all that this is a good cause and that everyone, including men are affected by this disease its just sort of the office attitude towards the pink that I feel is coming across wrong.

        1. I think october is breast cancer awareness month, right? agree it’s good to support all the cancers, but that probably explains why they picked this one.

    3. Does the product you make cause cancer at all? I was at a cleaners conference and one company was giving away pink bags with the ribbon in an effort to “raise awareness” and I (an environmental consultant) was completely turned off by the fact that they had no idea or concept of the cancer-causing ingredients in their product.

      1. Ha. Fortunately no, in a roundabout sort of way our product helps treat cancer so I guess that is something?

  11. Didn’t even think to wear pantyhose today and I must admit this NY based ‘r3tte is regretting it now. When is everyone else planning to start wearing tights and such again?

    2. I know everyone has started to wear coats and stuff in NYC but I’m loving this cooler weather. Not necessarily the rain, but temps in the 60s is my happy place.

      I’ve seen wool coats out this week so I think tights are probably fine at this point. I’m waiting until we get into the 50s.

    3. When the high drops below 65. I got that rule from Cap Hill Style. I’m cold-blooded and generally not very comfortable in bare legs unless the high is above 70, so I typically wear pants when the high is between 65 and 70. Despite being cold all the time, I love the colder weather and am very excited it’s finally here (I’m in the Midwest). Temps in the 90s in late September are not ok.

      1. I haaaaaaaaaate tights, so the rule I tend to use is: when the projected low is below 45 or the high is below 60. And then I wear a lot of pants/boots without tights when temps are in the 50s.

        I really, really try to make it to November if at all possible (in NYC).

    4. I’ve already started, but I live in Calgary and our overnight lows are getting closer & closer to freezing.

    5. Today was my first day (also in NY) :( I usually have a firm policy of not starting until mid-November, but it was so dreary out this morning. Here’s hoping my legs can breathe again come Monday.

    8. I wear pantyhose year-round except on really hot days and mix in tights when the weather gets cold. Here in Vancouver, we don’t get the steamy humid days like in the east, so most of the time wearing them is tolerable.

  12. BF and I have been together for a long time and plan to have a small wedding when we find a house we like and want to start having kids. His friend recently got a vasectomy and BF made a comment along the lines of, gross I’d never do that! I said, uhhh why not? Why should a woman have to continue to take BC or find some permanent option – all of which involve some sort of invasive, likely painful procedure – when you could have a 30 minute doctor’s appointment on your lunch break? He admitted that he’d never thought of it that way but also pointed out that I like being on the pill (which I do) so what does it matter. I mentioned that I probably won’t be able to stay on the pill forever. He was clueless about that and just kind of said, well we’ll figure it out when the time comes.

    I know that the snipped vs. not issue is a long way out for us, but I wouldn’t want to commit to a future with a guy who wouldn’t get a vasectomy if it was the best permanent option for us because “ew gross.” I also understand, though, that BF is pretty uneducated about BC options so it’s not really fair of me to assume the worst of him based on his knee jerk reaction. Suggestions for resources to help him get up to speed on our options? Suggestions for how to have a non-threatening conversation about it that doesn’t sound like I’m needlessly borrowing tomorrow’s problems (alternatively, feel free to tell me that I am)?

    1. Don’t hide any inconvenience/cost/side-effects of your birth control.

      Educate him on the risks with each type you are using, contemplating. As you use them. And involve him in discussions of options at your transition points.

      Don’t jump down this rabbit hole now, when not an immediate issue. It’s a bit much to start giving him ?reading material for this.

      Realize that his reaction is similar to the vast majority of men. Unfortunately. It is an ingrained mixture of sexism/societal image of masculinity, and the frequency of divorce and older men marrying much younger women in our culture. And the fact that men can continue to procreate until much older ages.

      Even my 70 year old father has said he regrets getting a vasectomy.

      Ewe.

      1. I think the prejudice against vasectomy is changing. DH is one of the few men in our friends groups that hasn’t had it done after the couple finished having kids. They all hate c#ndoms and DH/I are not bothered by them at the moment.

      2. A 70 year old dad should not discuss his vasectomy with his daughter even in her adulthood. It makes her sound like a mistake. In fact a 70 year old should not even talk about his sexual activities at any age with her.

        1. Don’t you think she knows that?

          And don’t you think that by highlighting this helps nothing, and can cause the poster to feel worse about herself?

          Fortunately, it sounds like you haven’t spent that much time around older men who are starting to get a touch of dementia/disinhibition, and/or just don’t give a d@mn. And if your family is just perfect and never says anything inappropriate, well then…. you really have no idea how lucky you are.

        2. Actually it’s perfectly fine for parents of adult children to be honest with those children about the choices they have made in life and the things they do or don’t regret. And telling your adult child that you had a vasectomy doesn’t mean the child was a mistake. This isn’t the Duggars we are talking about, for Pete’s sake. Most people love their kids but only want a certain number. As well, there are all kinds of parents who are honest with their kids about their sex lives and it’s only a problem if the adult kid doesn’t want to hear about it. Stop being judgemental.

    2. You’re needlessly borrowing tomorrow’s problems. He probably didn’t even know about the differences in procedure. Point out that you’re carrying the anti- TCC burden right now and it will be his turn at some point in the future. Current options for male contraception are C*ndoms or vasectomy so he can pick.

    3. Are you sure it wasn’t like “ew gross, I don’t want to know about my friend’s balls”? As opposed to ew, I’d never have the procedure?

    4. I think you are sort of borrowing tomorrow’s problems. Even if you sat him down, made him read some pamphlets, and he promised to get a vasectomy when the time came, he might still change his mind later (and that’s his prerogative). It is good to talk about these things for the purpose of seeing how how he approaches issues like this, which I think you’ve already done. It’s sounds like he was open to your (new to him) way of thinking, and took your points on board while also making some points of his own. That’s all good. If anything, you could touch base on the subject saying, in a calm, kind way, “I don’t want to belabour the subject because we’re not there yet, but yesterdays conversation about vasectomies got me thinking. Your initial reaction surprised me, and I really hope that when the time comes, you would elect to have a vasectomy rather than expecting me to have a more invasive and more dangerous surgery.” He may respond simply or with a longer discussion, but either way, leave it there.

      1. Some anecdata: my husband was anti-vasectomy and said he was fine with just using condoms when I am off BC. Fast forward to today, at my 36 week checkup at the OB and I mentioned that we would go back to condoms post delivery (first kid, want a second…I think) and then it was his turn for BC. He said he was completely fine as long as he got to sit on the couch and watch March Madness when the time comes. Seeing what I’ve gone through with pregnancy, he wants to pull more of his weight at this point.

    5. OP this isn’t necessarily about your husband, who sounds like with a little bit of knowledge, he’d be open to alternatives, but more a reaction to hearing these stories about men who flat out refuse to get vasectomies.

      I sincerely don’t understand why women don’t just tell those types of men- “Fine, then after I stop taking BC, you will wear a c0nd0m every time we have s3x forever.”

      1. I sincerely don’t understand why you think that we haven’t said and enforced that.

        Everyone has their own deal breakers. My husband’s unwillingness to have one is not a deal breaker to me. I’ve wanted a permanent birth control option for myself for a long time anyway (before we even met) so it really doesn’t matter to me that my husband doesn’t want to.

        1. If you have always wanted a permanent birth control option for yourself, I don’t see why you would ask your husband to have a vasectomy at all?

          We’re talking about situations in which women want a permanent birth control option but don’t want to subject themselves to serious invasive surgery to achieve that.

          1. As everyone has said, it would be easier for him to do it. If he had it done then I wouldn’t need to, unless we got divorced and I’d be in the same position I was before. But since I wanted it done myself when I was single, it just doesn’t matter to me that he doesn’t want to even though it would be easier if he did.

            I’m the poster that started this whole issue a couple months ago. I included a line about how my husband didn’t want to get one done so that responses would focus on what my option were and it became a big issue in the comments.

          2. SB – you’re a great regular poster but on this issue you often refer to ‘my husband’s unwillingness to get it done’ (above) or similar statements. What I think Anon at 3:44 is trying to say is that those statements confuse the issue. If you want to be sterilized, the better way to frame the issue is to simply state that you want to be sterilized, you’re not interested in discussing the reasons why, and you’d appreciate advice/experiences. By continuing to refer to whether or not your DH would be interested in the male version of the procedure, it takes away from your clearly expressed desire to personally be sterile.

            Hope my comment reads in the positive spirit in which it was intended.

          3. You’re right and I shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. Honestly I did it because I post about my life so often and have talked about dating and then marrying him that I expected someone to ask why my husband wouldn’t do it and tried to head that question off at the pass!

    6. I think you’re needlessly borrowing trouble. You want kids and don’t have them yet and you say you like being on the pill, so why would he want to consider permanent BC options at this point? I also think there’s a big difference between him encouraging YOU to have a dangerous procedure because he doesn’t want to get snipped and him saying he doesn’t want either of you to have surgery. Plenty of couples choose to never have permanent BC and just rely on pills, cond*mns and IUDs for the duration of their reproductive lives and I think that’s fine. (FYI, if you ever want to get off hormones, I think cond*ms are really underrated – I’ve been using that as my sole method of BC for almost 20 years, most of them with a partner and regular LGPs, and no unplanned pregnancy yet). If he’s whining about cond*ms and encouraging you to get a tubal ligation, that’s when you have an issue.

      1. I probably should’ve included in the original – he’s pretty anti-c*nd*m. We’ve never used them, even in the beginning. He opted for us to both get tested and share results before doing anything rather than have to “suffer” through using one.

        But I take your point that there are a lot of steps between now and when we start to think about permanent options.

        1. Of course he’s anti-c*nd*m! I’ve never met a man who was excited to wear a c*nd*m! He might be anti-c*nd*m but you get to be anti-elective and unnecessary surgery if that’s how you feel! His dislike of c*nd*ms isn’t more important or more valid or more reasonable!

          1. My husband likes them and would much rather wear one than have either of us get elective surgery. I get that it’s not a popular opinion but “no guys like them” is an exaggeration.

          2. Sure, your husband likes them, and if he’d rather wear one than get elective surgery, that’s great!

            But a man doesn’t get to say “I don’t like c*nd*ms so I can’t bear any responsibility for birth control.”

    7. I still think that the permanent option ultimately has rest with the one who makes it. For me to take a permanent route, I have to be certain that I don’t want anymore (bio) kids- not with my husband, not in the event of a loss of a child, not in the event of a divorce/remarriage. While I’m pretty darn sure, I am done under any circumstances, I’m not interested in making it final. My husband also gets to go through the same decision making process. And then we get to respect each other’s decision. We’ve had long talks about this. If and when we both decide that we are ready for a permanent choice, then he’s the better candidate for all of surgical risk/recovery reasons.

      1. Forgot to add. OP, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt for the knee jerk- nope. He may only be thinking about the “ouch” factor of the procedure.

    8. I think you can just tell him why it is a thing and see what he thinks, no special resources necessary. If he doesn’t believe you, that is a different story.

    9. The sexism in this comment is gross. If anyone was suggesting a woman get permanently sterilized because of pressure from her husband people would up in arms. The bottom line is that it is his body and his choice. You cannot pressure him into a vasectomy any more than he could pressure you into getting an abortion/not getting an abortion. Everyone, women and men, have the right to bodily autonomy and to control of their fertility. Minor surgery is still surgery and it’s his decision. You have birth control options and can control your fertility as well, so if you don’t want to have any more kids you can make that choice. There should not be any pressure on him from you. Frankly I feel a little bit sorry for him.

      1. +1

        “Why should a woman have to continue to take BC or find some permanent option – all of which involve some sort of invasive, likely painful procedure – when you could have a 30 minute doctor’s appointment on your lunch break?”

        The flip side of this argument that men’s rights activists make “Why should a man be on the hook for 18+ years of child support and financial hardship when a woman could take care of the pregnancy in a short doctors appointment/outpatient procedure?”

        Both arguments, yours and theirs, smack of sexism. It’s 2016 and you are an educated woman living in the developed country. If you no longer want to have kids, you have options. You don’t get to dictate what anyone else does any more than your partner does to you.

        1. No, actually that’s not the ‘flip side’ of this argument at all.

          OP and partner don’t want to have kids right now. She’s doing something to prevent.

          OP and partner don’t want to have kids in the future. His turn to do something to prevent.

        2. The flip side of this argument that men’s rights activists make “Why should a man be on the hook for 18+ years of child support and financial hardship when a woman could take care of the pregnancy in a short doctors appointment/outpatient procedure?”

          Um. Because he was 50% responsible for making the baby in the first place?

          1. It’s unfortunate that the fancy school you went to did not spend more time on reading comprehension. I clearly stated that such a comment was sexist and wrong.

          2. If your argument is everyone should have the right to bodily autonomy, I don’t think there’s anyone in this comment thread disagreeing with that. The disagreement is totally predicated on whether or not men have the same responsibility for BC as women. It’s not about whether a man should be forced to have a vasectomy. It’s about whether a man should have to be responsible for BC, however that may be. And if a man says, I’m not going to wear protection, that doesn’t give him a free pass for his responsibility in the prevention of future pregnancies.

            And in fact, saying that women have to be in control of BC is depriving women of the autonomy that you’re so eager to give men. If my husband and I decide we don’t want more kids, why does my bodily autonomy have to be sacrificed for his? Why should I be forced to take hormones the rest of my life? Why should I be forced to have surgery?

      2. Because it’s a woman’s job to take care of the birth control right? Why even talk about how he might participate in that, she should just take care of it and not annoy him, right?

        1. G0d forbid men have to take equal responsibility for the decisions they make as a couple. Don’t burden him with that nonsense! He has important manly things to think about like whether or not to play Eli Manning this Sunday.

      3. It’s not permanent.

        My whole problem with criticisms like this is that it always comes back to placing the onus for birth control on the woman. “You have birth control options and can control your fertility as well, so if you don’t want to have any more kids you can make that choice.” THEY don’t want to have kids. In an likelihood SHE solely carried the burden of birth control for the years preceding their child-bearing years. But in the future, when they BOTH don’t want anymore kids, it’s still her problem to deal with?

        2. So it’s wrong for a man to pressure a woman to have an abortion/not have an abortion but it’s totally for a woman to pressure a man into having a vasectomy. Got it.

          People like you give feminism a bad name. Woman are autonomous and equal and can make their own decisions.

          1. You’re missing the point! And I can’t tell if you’re being intentionally obtuse or what.

            He doesn’t have to get a vasectomy. No one is suggesting men be forcibly sterilized. But BC should have to be a man’s responsibility too! If he’s willing to wear a c*nd*m, great! That works! But it’s insane to say that women are solely responsible for BC because men don’t want to wear c*nd*ms or get vasectomies.

            OF COURSE women are autonomous and equal and can make their own decisions. OF COURSE. But when people are together, and they make decisions together, and they make the decision together not to have more children together, the man bears equal responsibility for that decision. And if the only long term BC option for a woman is invasive elective surgery and she does not want to undergo that, that should factor into the conversation, and shift the burden to the man. ESPECIALLY because his long term BC options, c*nd*ms or a vasectomy are relatively low risk by comparison.

      4. This whole bodily autonomy thing – you realize that’s a circular argument right? So he has the right to enjoy the bodily auto non of not being subjected to a c0nd0m or having surgery. She also has the right to enjoy freedom from hormonal bc or an invasive insertion of an IUD or invasive surgery. And you know what happens when they BOTH exercise these “rights”? SHE gets pregnant – meaning she has to suffer invasive medical procedures to evacuate the fetus from her body either through an abortion or childbirth. So no. His right to bodily autonomy does not trump a woman’s. He has 3 choices: c0nd0m, vasectomy, or abstinence. and if he chooses abstinence then he’s choosing to end the marriage. Be a team player or get off the team.

    10. I think everyone jumps to “misogyny” when the real issue is unintended effects of the unquestioning support and love of the Pill in our society.

      As a society, we scorn Catholic women who don’t empower themselves by going on the Pill. People boycott stores that don’t pay for the Pill for their women employees. People who talk about side effects are told to switch brands or that they are in the minority. (On a smaller scale, a commenter here got all snitty with me when I expressed the idea that there are risks associated with taking the Pill into one’s 40s and 50s.)

      Then we are shocked, floored when men express the desire for us to take this magical, empowering substance rather than have a doctor to take a knife to a very delicate and sensitive region of their bodies.

      So yeah, be upfront and honest with the issues surrounding birth control.

      2. This. It’s not just Catholic women also. I was born with two liver diseases that mean I cannot ever take any hormonal birth control or the copper IUD. If I had a nickel for every time someone shamed me about not being on the pill or taking control of my fertility I would be a millionaire. And 90% of that shaming is done by other women.

    11. My husband felt the same way when we had a similar conversation many years ago. However, after ten years of marriage and watching me go through three pregnancies/child births/recoveries and the birth control decisions after each one, he honestly felt like it was the least he could do! His procedure was very quick and his recovery was smooth.

    12. My viewpoint is that the burden rests with the person who doesn’t want more children. While it is nice to plan things together, the fact is, life doesn’t come with guarantees. One or both parties could remarry. A woman could be assaulted.

    13. Vasectomies are also somewhat, possibly reversible and can be mitigated with sperm donation ahead of time.
      Men suck, says this woman with an IUD insertion appointment on Tuesday after 3 kids.

      1. Like are people not even watching RHOBH? All your IVF post- Vas. is right there!

    14. this is tomorrow’s problem. Which you will solve when the time comes by telling him it’s time for condoms. Besides, this is routine. Once he’s 48 all his buddies will be doing it too.

    15. So I agree with others that it sounds like he made an uneducated knee-jerk statement and was open to being educated, so I don’t think this is necessarily an enormous concern.

      But I wanted to post just to say — have you considered an IUD? Safe, extremely effective, doesn’t require a daily pill, and doesn’t require either of you to have painful surgery.

      Signed,

      A woman who loves her IUD and is having another put right in on the day it’s necessary to take this one out.

      1. I’ll give it a try when my doctor no longer lets me have my pill. I’m pretty afraid of it because I have a very sensitive c*rv*x. But I will certainly at least TRY it before having a serious discussion with him about actually having a vasectomy.

        I was just a bit freaked out by the knee jerk NO @#$%@ WAY when it’s like, uh, dude, I’ve been managing OUR pregnancy prevention all by myself for a decade without so much as a “Can you pick up my Rx for me” or “I’m a student short on cash, can you cover the copay this month”. Yet at the first sign of YOU being able to do something you’re not even willing to consider it, even when your friend is telling you how quick and easy it was? Wth?

        1. I agree that I am a little concerned too.

          Especially because you told us he refuses condoms, and freaked about vasectomies. Those are his two choices, so at some point you should mention to him….. “well, at some point it will be your turn to take over when my body needs a break…. So take your pick – condoms or a vasectomy?”

    16. i am really surprised by the number of women on this thread who seem to think it’s only on the woman to prevent pregnancy. considering how feminist and progressive this board usually is, it’s shocking that there are people suggesting that if a man doesn’t want to participate in the birth control equation, that’s ok.

    17. My husband had this reaction the first time vasectomies came up (similar situation, one of his friends had just gotten one, most of his friends has since gotten one). He said something like “ew, why would I do that?” and I immediately launched into a 10 minute monologue on the hassle and dangers of the options available to women vs men… turns out he was clueless. He had never had to think about any of that in his life.

      Have the conversation. Have it now. Make sure it’s either his cluelessness and he’ll come around when he has the full picture or else it’s the ONE thing he won’t do. Make sure it’s not just one of many things where you’re going to end up shouldering the burden. I’m 10 years and 2 kids ahead of you and I look around at some of the shit the other moms I know put up with from their husbands and I just don’t get it. Sure I don’t have a full picture of everything that’s going on in these relationships or the husbands’ sides of the story but there’s no way all these relationships are rosier than they seem.

  13. I passed the certification exam today for “healthcare information security & privacy practitioner”. I am so excited!

    1. Awesome! So excited for you too!!! Thanks for having our backs on our health information with the work you will be doing. We *like* that privacy :)

    4. Congrats! I’m studying for CISSP now (literally now, just quitting for the night and rewarding myself with skimming this s1te), and your success story is a morale boost for me, too!

      1. I have stressed over the test for 3 years, ever since ISC2 announced it. I studied almost every free moment for the last 2 months, and yesterday I kept saying “you’ve got this” when I was getting ready and driving to the testing center. And I rocked it. And you will, too.

  14. Do any of you ladies own the Tumi Voyageur Q-tote in nylon? How is it wearing? I found one for almost 50% off the original price but I haven’t taken the tags off yet. My apprehension is fueled by seeing a few pre-owned ones on eBay that have really bad wear spots on the leather straps. I know I got a bargain, but if it looks ratty in a few months, the savings won’t really matter.

    1. Yes, I have two of them, and they have done really well. One has black straps the other are more of a caramel/luggage brown. I’d keep it. I love the organization and it’s a much better bag than the Le Pliage.

      1. Good to know, thanks! The Le Pliage was another option, but I can’t do with just one little pocket!

    2. I love mine. It is looking like new even though I’ve used it as my primary bag for more than a month. That’s more than what I could say about my le pliage (the corners started fraying with a few weeks, I got them fixed, and it happened again) and my Rebecca Minkoff MAB bag (the area where the straps connect to the bag started tearing right away). Love the Tumi structure and pockets. Can I ask where you got yours at a deep discount? I may need to buy another one in another color.

      1. It was a random find at Nordstrom Rack in St. Louis! I couldn’t believe my eyes, since it’s still full price at Saks. I did find it on Amazon (in black) for around $200, though. I know exactly what you’re talking about on the MAB tote. A salesperson at Nordstrom tried talking me into one and I couldn’t fathom the stitching and leather in that spot handling the weight of my Mac and other bobbles.

  15. Back at the end November I ended things with my boyfriend of three years. He wanted me to reconsider and was upset that I didn’t change my mind.

    Despite me being the one to end it he went no contact. He changed his phone number and email and even though I moved out of our apartment he also moved out instead of renewing the lease and I had no idea where he was staying. I also found that he quit his job (his lack of drive and ambition was one of our main problems). I was worried about him even though I had ended it but I was rebuffed by anyone I reached out to in the weeks after I ended it.

    I just found out on a fluke that he is seeing someone that he met on New years eve. I’m miffed because he didn’t want me to end it because he said he loved me but yet he moved on so quickly. Same with him going no contact even though I ended it. It hurts a bit too and I just can’t figure out why he would do this if he claimed to love me so much.

    1. Why miffed? You didn’t want him, so he got over you and met someone else. Sounds like a good outcome to me?

      1. She wants him to still want her. It’s a lot easier to get over a relationship if you can tell yourself that you moved on because they weren’t good enough for you vs. have them move on which might make OP feel like he didn’t love her as much as he claimed.

    2. I would take this as comfort that your instincts were right. You loved him, but he wasn’t your forever person.

      Break-ups are so so hard no matter who initiates. I know that when I’ve been broken up with, I have to go no-contact for my own sanity. If there’s a possibility of reconciliation, I can’t move forward.

      When you break up with someone you still love it’s always painful. But you’re giving yourself a chance at a forever-someone, and he gets to have that chance too.

    3. It’s natural to feel weird about being replaced.

      He may have gone no contact because he felt it would be too difficult to remain friends. That’s his right. It’s also his right to have found someone new (after all, he did, apparently, like having a girlfriend).

    5. No doubt he loved you, but it sounds like you were very clear and decisive about the fact that you did not want to be with him any longer. He probably went no contact so he wouldn’t continue to feel hurt by the break up. Having that space probably allowed him to heal faster, and it sounds like he got lucky meeting someone a month or so later so went for it. Seems to me like he handled it pretty reasonably, actually.

  16. So… weird situation… Not sure how to react or if I should just let it go?

    I was just told by our office manager, not a boss, but an admin professional who oversees the day-to-day office stuff, that my jeans are “not professional enough.” It’s a really casual office, not in a client-facing position. Jeans and polo shirts are basically a uniform. When I asked what was wrong with my jeans, I was told they’re “too baggy.” I wear loose fit jeans. Like I guess they’re called “boyfriend style,” maybe? They fit well at the waist and they’re the appropriate length, but the legs don’t touch my skin, if that makes sense? No “baggier” than the jeans men typically wear, but not slim fit legging type jeans.

    Am I overreacting in thinking this is a thing only women would be criticized for? That professional attire needs to be tight-fitted? When it happened I think I just said “Ok” but I was a little in shock. I don’t want to go buy jeans I’m not comfortable in, but I also don’t want to have this conversation again if it can be avoided…

    1. That is ridiculous, especially in a non client facing position. But I can picture how looser fitting legs on women’s jeans may come across as less casual. Maybe find a happy medium with a slim straight leg? Slightly skinnier but not skin tight.

    2. Meh. She was probably projecting a personal style choice on you. I’d let it go. If she brings it up again, just say my jeans are fine.

    3. I miss the edit function… I should add, just in case it makes a difference. I could not tell at all whether this was the office manager saying this because it was her opinion or because it came down from management. I don’t want to bring it up to management if this was just something she observed and decided to tell me?

      2. They’re baggy in the sense that they’re not skin tight. But they’re no more baggy than men’s jeans?

        Our dress code is jeans, so jeans might not be professional like at a law firm, but they are the dress code where I work? Do I have to wear tight jeans to look “professional”?

        1. This is ridiculous. If there is a next time, ask her to put in writing that you should start wearing tighter pants to work.

        2. No way. If you’re feeling insecure, link to a pair of similar jeans and we can reassure you that they’re fine. They sound fine to me.

          2. They’re perfectly professional! Ignore her and keep wearing them. She sounds like one of those people that tell you that you look “tired”

          3. Those are extremely normal pants for a jeans-allowed office.

            Also, if anything, I feel like super-tight-legging-jeans are *less* work appropriate than these pants, so her “advice” is completely bizarre.

      3. But boyfriend jeans are “on trend” right now and all over casual offices.

        OP, are you wearing them rolled a couple of times with a flat? (I’m assuming you’re not doing the high-rise mom jean thing). Are they a light wash? Sometimes, light wash can come across as less put together.

        That said, she was way out of line. If no one has said anything to you and you are dressing similar to your coworkers, I’d just make a mental note that she’s the self-appointed Fashion Police.

      4. The use of the word “baggy” as the descriptor here is the problem. IMO, nothing “baggy” could ever be professional. I don’t think “tight” jeans are professional either. Jeans, in the business environment, to me, should be trouser jeans or straight-leg jeans – similar to the cuts you would wear of black or other professional pants.

    5. Ignore her. Do not buy other jeans. This comment was ridiculous and certainly not her job to make. If you’re not appropriately dressed, the comment needs to come from your boss or HR. Coming from anyone else, it’s not something you need to deign to respond to in any way.

      Next time she says anything, just say “wow” and walk away.

      1. Thanks, that really does make me feel better. Hopefully it was just a one-time thing and she didn’t really mean anything by it.

  17. Birthday gift ideas for a 2 year old? I’m going to my cousin’s kid’s birthday party tomorrow and don’t know what to bring. They also have a 3.5-year-old, and I would prefer something that both kids might like but might be preferred by the 2-year-old.

    Both kids are boys, but I strongly prefer non-gendered gifts. But classic boy toys are okay. (My cousin does seem to give them stereotypically boy toys, and they definitely avoid stereotypically girl toys. I’m in the camp of “kids should play with all toys regardless of gender” but I know my cousin wouldn’t be happy if I gave his son a toy kitchen set or baby doll.)

      2. replying to myself to add that if you want to skew them a little more gender neutral – get a set that has a bunch of the figures. There are school bus sets and camping sets. Those lend themselves to role playing narratives in addition to the straight building blocks aspects.

        1. +1

          There’s a giant pack of Duplos (I want to say it’s 100 or 150 pieces) that is completely gender neutral (packaging is a light green, blocks are a mix of colors) that I buy for basically every kid I know at some point, and they are always a hit, so I’d recommend the big grab-bag. Also, if the big bag isn’t in your budget, the smaller sets in the light green packaging are all gender-neutral – they’re pretty easy to find at the Duplo level. (Legos, on the other hand… so, so much pink and blue. Sigh.)

      3. Thank you! I am a huge Lego fan (for myself and for kids) so I don’t know why I didn’t think of this. :)

        1. My kids are similar ages and I think you’ve been pointed in the right direction. However, I want to add that I have one kid of each sex and I feel how you do about gendered toys but my kids didn’t get the memo. Boy will only play with trucks. Girl ignores all trucks and only plays with dolls. All toys were purchased for the older kid so older kid would have all of the toy options. Up side is we haven’t had to purchase more toys and the kids don’t fight over toys since they don’t care about what the other one is playing with.

    2. Books, books, books – this may be attributable to the fact that we’re in a tiny apartment, but this is by FAR my preferred gift to receive for our son of a similar age.

  18. There’s the possibility that my husband and I will be able to take a last minute 1-2 week vacation at the end of this month or early next month before he starts a new job. We are coming from Southern California and have lots of frequent flier miles and hotel points to burn. We like good food and wine, pretty scenery, and a nice mix of activities/exploration and relaxation. We are open to international destinations. We will start TTC soon, so Zika is a concern.

    Thoughts?

    1. Portugal?

      I have not been, but it is on my bucket list and would tick all of your boxes. You could probably do a mix of city/wine country/coast, depending on how long you stay.

      1. Or Spain. I haven’t been but I’ve known several people lately who have started going there over and over again for the exact things you’re looking for.

        1. I was thinking of those! If we can swing 2 weeks, I think those will definitely be top contenders.

    2. Vancouver and Vancouver Island? So pretty and great food plus lots of hikes and other activities that are more challenging with kids. BC has wineries as well in the interior. Wickinish Inn on Vancouver Island is gorgeous.

    4. Cabo? I went to Mexico between jobs this summer and it was really relaxing (we went to Cancun, but the West Coast of Mexico would be a lot more convenient coming from Southern CA). I think that would tick your boxes, assuming you like Mexican food. Whale shark season also starts in October there, if you want to swim/snorkel with them.

      The weather in most of Europe in late October/November is too cold and unpredictable for me, but maybe you have a higher tolerance for cold and rainy weather than I do. If you were going in September, I’d second the vote for Portugal for sure, but I just think the weather would be too iffy by late October.

      1. If Zika’s a concern, stay out of Mexico! A friend of mine used to live there, and all of her friends (women entering the typical baby-having years) are completely freaked out, because it’s basically everywhere on the coasts.

      2. Yeah, Zika has ruled out Mexico for us, unfortunately. We may be willing to risk Europe to fit in one last trip pre-baby but TBD.

      3. fwiw, I didn’t get a single bite in Cancun (and I am someone who is normally eaten alive whenever there are mosquitoes around). All the resorts spray a TON in general and have amped it up tenfold with Zika concerns. But obviously it’s a personal choice and you should do what’s right for you.

    5. If you have two weeks, what about Southeast Asia? I loved Thailand and I think it would meet all your requirements. I especially recommend Chiang Mai for cultural stuff and sight-seeing and the Phi Phi Islands for beautiful beaches. I’m pretty sure there’s no Zika in Asia yet.

        1. Ah yes you’re right – CDC just today issued a warning for Thailand and a bunch of other SE Asian countries.

          1. Oh, that’s too bad. Thailand looks beautiful! I’ll have it save it for a future trip.

      1. Just as an FYI, the “safe zone” for Zika is 6,500 feet above sea level and above, apparently.

    7. New Zealand! I’m going for two weeks in about a month and so excited. LAX has a direct flight to Auckland through Air New Zealand.

  19. Play dough and art supplies are also big hits with my little ones. I think books are always good too and my just turned 3 year old likes the same things as the 5 year old. Some of our favorites – Mix it Up, the Gruffalo, and Pout Pout Fish.

  20. Has anyone tried Madison Reed at-home hair color? Is it really better than what I can buy at the drug store? I have dark hair and grays are popping up more frequent, so I need to be able to hide them in between trips to see my regular hair stylist. Any advice? Thanks.

    2. I’ve never tried it, but a lot of box dyes at the drugstore are pretty good these days.

      1. I used the John Frieda foam color last month and have been pleasantly surprised. It was easy enough to do myself. Still need to be careful though. I managed to fling some foam onto the bathroom door without realizing it.

    3. I used it for a few months and liked it. The mailed straight to me thing was nice, and it smelled better than most drugstore dyes do. However, I didn’t think it was significantly better enough to justify the higher price.

    4. I use DPHue and it’s considerably better than the drug store box color, which I’d been using for years.

  21. My friend is getting married in the Bahamas. DH and I plan to attend and are very excited to go. It just occurred to me that because we will be TTC (or maybe even pregnant) by the time of the wedding, I should research Zika in that area. It looks like there have been some confirmed cases in the Bahamas. Would you travel to the Bahamas if you were TTC/pregnant?

    3. Assuming you otherwise want to go and are looking forward to it, I would go if TTC but not if pregnant. I’d explain to my friend (assuming I felt comfortable sharing my fertility plans) that there’s a good chance I won’t make it and I’d get lots of insurance on the trip. I have a different perspective than many, because it took me almost two years to conceive. That alone was hard and stressful and it would have been infinitely harder if I’d had to miss things like this as well. My two cents is that you can’t put your life on hold, so I’d go ahead and make plans to attend the wedding and cancel if you get a positive test before the wedding (and maybe use barrier methods the month of the wedding so you won’t be so newly preg you don’t even know it yet when you go).
      Obviously if you don’t really want to go, this is a great excuse to skip it and I’m sure other guests are cancelling for the same reason so she’ll understand.

  22. Caught in moderation so trying again– if you were TTC, would you travel to the Bahamas? Or would Zika risk stop you?

    1. I personally wouldn’t, because it’s a risk I can control and one whose consequences are not fully understood yet. We’re not going on our usual NYE trip this year for just this reason.

    2. I would not go. You can get tested upon return, but if your husband tests positive they recommend waiting 6 months before conceiving.

      We have had to delay our TTC plans due to a siblings wedding in Mexico and a trip planned for December that now is in a Zika zone. It’s not worth it, especially knowing that organogenesis occurs in the first trimester. Also recent research is even suggesting that Zika can halt brain development in certain ways regardless of gestation. Too risky IMO but each to their own.

  23. Any advice for not taking work critiques personally / letting them impact your personal life? I work for an a$$hat who provides only “guidance” after the fact, never ahead of time. I was just chastised for something that I felt I handled perfectly well – I provided info about a matter at various times in various forms, but apparently boss felt insufficiently informed and decided a serious taking-to was required. I acknowledged and said I would do better in the future. Any advice on how to let this go? I was really looking forward to the weekend, and now I’m sitting at my desk in tears.

    I would say I’m ready for a drink, but alas, also pregnant. Bring on the ice cream, I guess.

    1. I’m sorry I cannot be there for you in your hour of need. However, my friends “fancy new nail polish” “lots of the activity that got you this way” and “Friday Night Lights- the one where Taylor Kitsch gets his top off” are all there for you.

      4. I agree with the others, Shots! I love your comments, and please keep them coming :)

  24. I need to vent about something work related, but which I can’t actually do anything about.

    I work in the contracts department. We negotiate all of the customer agreements and then send them to legal to review for final approval. There are a few instances where certain terms will get ironed out at the end by legal counsel, such as limitation of liability over a certain dollar amount.

    I negotiated most of an agreement and our BU attorney finalized a few things with the customer’s attorney. When the document arrived with us for signature, I noticed that the customer had placed a header on it that limited the document to one specific program. This was never our intent – the intent was to have an overarching agreement. I mentioned this to counsel and he said that the header wouldn’t matter and that the intent was for it to be binding on all purchases. Well guess what? The customer won’t accept these terms and conditions for any purchases other than for the program in the header. That program is a very small percentage of what they purchase from us. This is now holding up orders because I am going to have to negotiate a new set of Ts&Cs (as we won’t accept their standard ones and they won’t accept ours) and of course the business thinks I am the bad guy.

    I told him this would be a problem and he poo-poo’d me. There is nothing I can do about it now but this, coupled with him changing his mind randomly on where he stands with certain issues in the middle of negotiations is so incredibly frustrating. I don’t mind looking like the bad guy once in a while when legal swoops in at the end and changes something I had pushed for (based on him pushing for the same thing in a prior contract), but I hate that something I knew would be an issue and could have been solved wasn’t and was brushed off.

    UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

    1. As a former contracts manager and now in house counsel my best advice to you is be sure to always document your concerns in email so that you do not become the whipping girl if the relationship with this client goes south.

      1. Thanks! I am a HUGE CYA-er. Plus, all of our IM conversations are logged, so I can always go back and pull those too. We had this conversation via IM, so I have the documentation. :)

    2. That was a mistake by counsel; good on you for catching it, even worse that after you brought it up they brushed it off. Sorry, that stinks.

      At least it’s Friday, right?

      1. It is! But I am dealing with that issue and our quality manager reneging on an exception to one of the same customer’s (albeit different division) quality clauses that we have ALWAYS taken exception to because we just don’t do it ON MY DAY OFF because it’s end of FY and everyone is losing their minds.

        And yesterday one of the sales reps completely misrepresented something I said in an email (I said we couldn’t accept customer’s standard Ts&Cs, he said I said we couldn’t accept the order) and threatened to escalate to management. On a $7k order! For a customer that bought $53k over the last three years TOTAL! Yes, we can book the order a$$hole, LIKE I SAID WE COULD. What I said was that we couldn’t accept their Ts&Cs, which is STANDARD POLICY WHICH YOU KNOW.

        And also yesterday, a PM dropped a full RFQ in my lap for review which was due THAT DAY and which they had been sitting on for over 10 days. I got it done, but WHAT THE EVER LOVING HELL PEOPLE?

        This has been a WEEK. Sorry for all the caps, but I spent $1k on my poor senior dog who has pulmonary hypertension, I’ve had four doctor’s appointments this week and I just need to YELL.

        Whew, I feel better now. I love this site.

        1. Oh goodness, you’ve had quite the week. I hope you have the time and energy this weekend to go exercise, meet friends, eat, drink, binge tv, or whatever you love to do to recoup and relax!

          1. You’re very kind, thank you!

            Sadly, I have to take time off of running to rest my IT band which I screwed up last weekend in a race, BUT I am having a beer as I type and shoving my face with cheese (I could never be vegan). It’s rainy and cold, so I am going to have more beer and either read (one of my pleasures) or watch a documentary tonight.

            I hope all of you have wonderful weekends!

          1. Thank you! He will be okay. He has an enlarged heart, heart murmur, and pulmonary hypertension (among other things), so as a small dog this combination makes him cough a lot. I just want him to be comfortable for as many more years as he can give me. We are also on an every 3 month or so monitoring plan for renal failure as his blood work showed the very very early stages of that being a possibility. He’s a bit of a mess with all of that, no teeth, and cataracts, but I love him (even though I’ve only had him for 6 months).

  25. Any tips for managing up? I’m now the most senior associate (in terms of tenure at company) in our small/mid-sized firm (12 attorneys). In the four years I’ve been here, one associate has been promoted, and 10-12 have come and gone. The next most senior associate has been here 1.5 years, after that everyone else has been here less than 6 months. Maybe I’m wrong, but this seems to me to be a significant retention issue. For my part, there are things I like about my office and things I don’t, but I’m currently planning to stick around for the foreseeable future.

    I’ve been trying to step up and take on more of a mentorship role for the new attorneys, and also bring issues to the partner’s attention that I see and think could be resolved. I’ve been here long enough to see a lot of people leave, and I know why they leave and I can tell that we’re close to losing two of our best current associates. I’ve been speaking out and trying to stand up for everyone so that we don’t lose them, but I’m not having any luck.

    Is the solution to just give up, put my head down, and look surprised when they leave (which is what I’m leaving toward and the moment)? Or is there some way that the managers among you would be more receptive to this type of feedback?

    1. No, I don’t think it’s your place to bring any of this to the partners. If they come to you and say “Why are people leaving?” you can (very, very carefully) share some thoughts with them, but I would absolutely not go to them unprompted. Trust me, they know and don’t care about the turnover issues.
      And while I think it’s nice to be welcoming to new attorneys and offer them advice about office culture and any policies or practices that are unique to your firm, remember that seniority in law is based on years of practice not tenure at the organization. So if a new attorney comes in with six years of experience and you have four, trying to be that person’s “mentor” is going to come off as tone deaf and is likely to rub them the wrong way. And trying to “speak out and stand up for” people who are senior to you is also not your place.

      1. (1) Yes, I am very aware of the difference in tenure v. seniority, and have a great relationship with the one associate who has been practicing for longer than I have, she and I are completely on the same page on this topic.
        (2) They say all the time things like they don’t understand why we have such high turnover, they don’t understand why people leave after a year, etc.

        1. Fine, but unless they say “Lynnet, please give us your thoughts on why so many people have left after less than a year” I wouldn’t say anything. Just because they act puzzled and say they want a solution to the problem doesn’t mean they actually care about changing it or they want to hear your thoughts about it.

    2. For me, this depends on what is causing people to leave. If it’s something easily fixed that the partners aren’t going to care that much about changing, then it’s maybe worth a conversation if you feel like spending some of your capital with a partner you’re comfortable with to bring it up. But, at least in my experience, problems that drive associates away tend to be things like “the firm’s chief rainmaker is a neurotic screamer” or “we systematically refuse to pay market salaries” or “we bill ourselves as a ‘lifestyle’ firm during the hiring process but then give bad reviews to anyone who bills less than 2100” or “we have no paid maternity leave and kick and fuss anytime anyone takes any time off at all for any reason” – basically, things that are never going to change because it’s in the partners’ personal and/or financial interest to keep things the way they are. It is a complete and total waste of whatever political capital you’ve built up over the last four years to try to have conversations about this kind of stuff, so personally, I wouldn’t bother.

      1. Totally agree with this. My last firm had the same attrition problem, especially with female associates, and it was a combination of 1 passive-aggressive partner plus 2 people who cared about you only if they were so busy they needed your help and otherwise ignored you plus the old boys network plus plain old sexism meant that no women associates were viewed as partner material. They also wondered out loud why people were leaving. Which makes me wonder why you are the exception who stuck it out there. Are you truly happy at the firm?

  26. About to open my first IRA (have always had 401ks through work in the past) and there are a LOT of options out there. Anyone really, really like their IRA provider? I’m looking for a lot of very low fee (low expense ratio) index fund options. My initial thought was Fidelity. I won’t be doing any active trading. Thanks!

      1. I’ve only ever had mine with Vanguard in a target retirement fund. It’s worked great. I’ve never had any problems but I’ve heard their customer service people are great if you do have an issue. I’ve heard good things about Fidelity too. I don’t think you can go wrong with either one.

      2. love vanguard, this is where my traditional ira and roth ira are (i had a roth for years before maxing out the income bracket for it). also where my brokerage investment account is. easy, low fees and decent customer service.

      3. Vanguard. I have my current 401k and the IRA I rolled my former 401ks into thru Vanguard.

  27. Anyone have suggestions for good cooking blogs to follow? Fairly beginner cook in terms of skill level but open to all kinds of stuff.

    2. I love Smitten Kitchen, but I’d call a lot of her recipes more intermediate level.

      For beginners, the recipes on Serious Eats and the Kitchn (no e) are my favorites.

    3. My 2 favorites are yourhomebasedmom and melskitchencafe. I’ve gotten lots of good baking & cooling recommendations from both. Also love yourhomebasedmom’s what she’s reading blog posts.

  28. Love to travel out of the US, but I’m having a hard time picking a location when it’s shorter around 4-6 days, and I’m not that close to an international airport. Any favorite places to travel outside of the US, that 4-6 days is plenty. If I go to Europe, due to the cost of the ticket, I prefer a couple weeks minimum.

    1. Where in the US? It depends a lot where you are – e.g. if you’re on the East Coast or Southeast 4-6 days is plenty for a trip to the Caribbean but you wouldn’t want to do that trip from the Pacific NW, but Hawaii or other Pacific Islands are a lot more doable as a quick trip from the West Coast.

    2. If you’re on the east coast and can fly through Boston, check out the Azores. Less than five hours flying time from Boston and you’re in Europe. 4-6 days gives you plenty of time to explore the main island. Depending on your timing flexibility, tickets can be cheap.

      1. Same thing for Iceland – five hour flight from Boston/NY and it’s a small place so 4-6 days is plenty to get a good sense of it.

  29. Has anyone tried an online dermatologist? The one available through my firm is slightly cheaper and I like the convenience. I have adult hormonal acne and I’m wanting to try a retin a. My current derm is very old school but I’ve been on spironolactone for a year without any improvement. I have an iud which I love but my skin on bc was perfect.

    1. No to your online deem question. But assuming you have a Minera it’s likely the progesterone and my personal anacdata is that Retin A isn’t likely to fix it. Retin A is pretty popular these days and if my deem wouldn’t prescribe it without a good explaintion I’d definitely try a new doctor!

    2. I would switch dermatologists.

      Are you sure you have hormonal, cystic acne? That typically responds to spirino, and retin-A alone isn’t strong enough for it. I find retin-A helps for the smaller whiteheads.

      And it is crazy for a derm to try something for a year without changing. Is she at least increasing your dose?

      FYI – the first day I saw my derm she started me on spironolactone, retin-A and a sulfur facial wash. She saw me once a month for dose adjustments until my acne was under control, and then she spaced out my visits.

    3. I feel like you answered your own question. Your skin on bc was perfect and spironolactone is not having the same effect. You need to go back on bc. I would talk to your obgyn about it

      And I would never, ever in a million years use an online doc if you’re serious about improving your skin. Among other things, REAL in-person deem visits are the primary screening tool for early skin cancer detection.

  30. Hi – I just switched jobs to a company where no one keeps their calendar in Outlook. They bring paper calendars to meetings for planning.

    I’m looking for a planner system that incorporates a weekly calendar with room for notes, and separate note pages I can take out and add to subject files if necessary. I prefer full size 8.5 x 11.

    What do you use, and do you love it?

    1. Not sure if this meets your requirement but ShePlans planners were recommended here and I loved them. A little pricey

    2. Levenger Circa planners, or the similar ones from from Staples (ARC). They have a week on 2 page, month on 2 page format and you can have a full size page or 1/2 size. Plenty of room for notes, and you can also easy insert a blank page between the 2 pages that have the week on them.

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