ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 314 Comments

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Meier Dress with Belt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. preen-leopard-dressSome big sales start around now, ladies: Boden is up to 70% off clearance (woot woot) — and, more appropriate for Splurge Monday, one of ShopBop's big clearance sales has started. For some reason I always think of Michelle Obama when I think of the designer brand Preen, and this leopard grid print dress is interesting and fun for a fashion-forward woman. For more conservative offices I would skip the mules and throw on classic pumps and a black or white blazer or sweater to mute the pattern a bit; more adventurous women may want to try to pick up the pops of blue in a necklace or other accessory. (Oooh, blue pumps would be great.) The dress is on a really sick sale: it was $1,435, but is now marked to $430.50 — final sale only, alas. Preen By Thornton Bregazzi Meier Dress with Belt

Looking for something more traditionally leopard-y? This leopard bow blouse from MICHAEL Michael Kors comes in plus and regular sizes and is part of Bloomingdale's Friends & Family sale going on now. Looking for less leopard-y things in the Shopbop sale? I always love ShopBop's jewelry and bag collection, and they have a ton of bodysuits in the sale, if that's part of your look this fall. They've also got a ton of DvF on sale.

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

314 Comments

  1. …who announced that “the most important job any woman can have is being a mother.” (I guess this includes Mother Teresa.) In any event, I have had it. I don’t suppose writing letters to the major retailers that carry her line would have any effect?

    1. No idea. I think it’s worth a shot though. You have a voice, why not use it? I would start by targeting major retailers who cater to professional women though. You’ll probably have better luck there.

    2. Obviously not, but if it makes you feel better go for it! It’s the same problem as Ann Romney getting all huffy about Michelle Obama saying she’d never had a job. “Mom” is a position in life, a role in a relationship. It’s important, it’s very hard work, but it’s not a job. You get paid for a job. You can quit. You can get fired. That’s not motherhood.

      1. I used to work on family law matters: divorce, termination of parental rights, adoption. You absolutely can quit and some people get fired.

      2. Query – would rephrasing it to “the most important role a woman can have is being a mother” be better?

        4. Nope, not better. Many women lead accomplished and fulfilling lives without becoming mothers, and for many mothers, other roles may be more fulfilling or important for them personally.

          And the flip side of that statement, of course, is that a woman’s career is never as important to her or anyone else as her role as a mother. Would we really say or imply that about men?

          1. I often think that working is now more important to me now that I have children. Before, I could always quit and just move home and/or couch-surf. Now, I have to keep a roof over 2 small people’s heads and keep them fed and I’ve got 15+ years of this (assuming self-sufficiency at 18, which it seems isn’t the current thinking on the matter). I could quit when the stakes were lower, but not now. And very true even though working directly competes with motherhood (esp. re outer limits of my patience and sanity).

          2. Exactly. I always tell young women that their number one job is to make sure they can support not only themselves, but any children they may have.

        5. Nope.

          How is this even a question? It’s stating that a woman’s value is defined by her duty to rear children.

          What if a woman doesn’t want kids? Is everything she is doing in her life less important than popping out a baby? Is she worth less as a person because she’s not doing her important work assigned to her by her gender? If she decides to work outside the home, thus detracting from her “most important role,” is she a bad mother? A bad woman? A bad person?

    3. Lighten up. She’s smart and accomplished. Men love ❤️ her attitude and would marry her in a heartbeat. Don’t be jealous. You have other attributes so use them gurrrl!

      2. Can you ask Ellen to show us how to make hearts that show up like that? What other emojis are we missing out on? Commenting on this site is the most important job any woman can have.

        1. Commenting on this site is the most important job any woman can have.

          [PRAISE HAND EMOJI]

      3. Don’t be ridiculous. Men would marry her because she’s beautiful and extremely wealthy. Has nothing to do with her attitude or being “accomplished.” Pray tell, what exactly has she accomplished? What hardship has she had to overcome? She grew up with every privilege imaginable. Are we supposed to applaud her because she’s not a heroin addict or some deviant?

        In case you can’t tell, I am so over the Ivanka adoration. She has hitched her wagon to her father’s nasty, despicable rhetoric and she deserves no praise.

      5. Please don’t bash me for my position but I too wish I could be like Ivanka. She has an MBA from Wharton??

        1. No she doesn’t. She has a Bachelor’s degree from the University of Pennsylvania, where she took business management classes. NOT the same thing!

    4. Ugh, it’s so pandering and tone-deaf. In other news, the AP’s recent report on sexism on the set of The Apprentice is basically a catalog of DJT comparing various women’s various body parts to Ivanka. *shudder*

      1. ICK! His obsession with his daughter’s looks might be the grossest thing about him, and that’s saying something.

    5. I heard this ad, too, and said out loud ‘what!’ at that line. I have wanted to be a mom since I was little, and I hope that we should one day be so blessed with kids, but lord that line made me cringe… for the people who don’t have kids and don’t want to, don’t have kids and do want to, or the ones that have kids and take pride in motherhood AND their jobs. I used to really like her before her dad ran for president, but now I can’t support her and her support for her despicable father.

    6. Would have been slightly improved to have said, “the most important job any person can have is being a parent” but that’s obviously problematic as well. People who aren’t parents have important jobs. Parents do important jobs other than / in addition to being parents.

      So I guess … just shut up, Ivanka. Don’t congratulate yourself for being born rich and beautiful, and married rich, and having endless resources to help your trumped up role as “working mom.”

      So ready for this election to be over – HRC, please don’t F it up.

      1. Eh, it’s not offensive to believe that there is inherent social value in all people – not just women – prioritizing raising the next generation above work or volunteerism or whatever else you might do with your life. Although I don’t agree with that position, I also don’t think it’s bigoted or irrational to think that way. I absolutely think it’s bigoted and irrational to think that a woman’s highest calling in life is motherhood while at the same time believing that a man’s highest calling in life is not fatherhood.

    7. Someone should ask the new mother’s at G-III if the maternity policy falls in line with allowing them to succeed at the “most important job”. I bet I already know the answer…

    8. Why are you so “personally insulted”. She is entitled to her opinion. Lighten up!

    9. Maybe I’m misguided, but I’d think the most important job a woman could have is president of the United States.

      8. I laughed out loud and then had to explain this thread to my officemate. Worth it.

    10. I would have been insulted fifteen years ago, but in my adult life, I’ve heard many men express the idea that the most important thing they’ve done is be a father – men who are C-suite executives, partners in law firms, etc.

      I also believe that everyone is called to parenthood, whether literal or spiritual (e.g., Mother Teresa). So no, I don’t feel insulted, because I spend my limited free time with and on behalf of children. It is amazing when people younger than myself track me down to tell me that their lives are working out the way they wanted and I helped them get there.

      I have an education and a career that would have been an anathema to women in my grandmothers’ generation and unorthodox, at best, when my parents were growing up. That is not remotely in conflict with the idea that it’s been way more meaningful to me to help younger people out.

      1. Being a father might be the most important thing THOSE men have done, but it doesn’t mean that the most important job or role that ANYONE can do or have is being a parent.

        As for those C-suit execs and law firm partners who made that statement, I hope (but doubt) that they are taking concrete steps so that all parents working at their organizations can prioritize parenting–in other words, I hope they’re putting their money where their mouth is.

        Finally, at 40+ years old, I have not been and still am not called to any kind of parenthood.

        2. It’s not the fault of my colleagues, mentors, and friends that your life is empty and meaningless. Nor are they obligated to “implement… policies” in order to hold their beliefs; they are – shocker – only obligated to be good dads.

    11. That mindset is also extremely painful to women experiencing infertility. I have someone in my life that I really hope does not read that comment. She will likely cry for days.

    1. They’re not personally my style, but I definitely think you could wear those in a business casual office. I think they’d look great with navy pants.

    2. I like them, but I’d make sure the rest of your look was sleek and streamlined– I think any bagginess elsewhere could make these pretty frumpy.

    3. Yes, absolutely. I would do them with tailored ankle pants, a shell and a sleek blazer, bangles and a long necklace in a bronze color. Also cute with a midi pencil skirt and a bow or mandarin collar blouse.

  3. I’m going to my first work-related conference in a few weeks and I am having a hard time with how I handle expenses. When I pitched the conference to my boss, I provided an estimated cost breakdown with the conference cost, airfare, and hotel, but did not include any additional expenses. I’m very new at this and it feels weird to me to submit expense reports for my meals when I would be eating dinner either way, but I read a comment on one of the finances posts about not just assuming all of these costs personally. Does anyone have any advice about this? (I know there are lots of threads on my many other questions – like what to pack – but I haven’t seen anything on this).

    1. Submit all your expenses for reimbursement. Let them reject if they want. I typically just try and not be excessive.

    2. But if you were at home, you would have the option of cooking a meal for yourself. When you’re at a conference, you don’t have that option and have to pay for a meal out. Absolutely meals should be part of your expenses!

    3. Normally meals are reimbursed when you’re traveling for business, but if you pitched attending the conference as just costing airfare, hotel and registration, I probably wouldn’t reimburse it. If you wanted meals, you should have included that as part of your pitch. You’ll probably get a lot of food included anyway between breakfast at the hotel and food provided at the conference.

    4. Expense all the costs you incur as part of travel, lodging, and eating, including taxis/uber, food, coffee, etc.
      Don’t pick the fanciest restaurant every night, but don’t feel like you have to be $10 and under either. If it make you more comfortable, ask what the expected per diem is for conference-related expenses.

    5. They definitely expect to be covering your meals. They may reimburse in full (some cover booze, others don’t) or they may have their own per diem as far as what they’ll cover meals-wise. I travel fairly often and I submit all travel (cab, shuttle, baggage) and meals. Save all your receipts.

    6. Everyone knows you have to eat, get a cab/uber to and from the airport and various events, etc. This isn’t a matter of “I would be eating anyway” – you wouldn’t be eating overpriced hotel or restaurant food anyway, you’re only incurring these costs because of work. It’s expected that work will pay for it.

      At the same time, you don’t want to seem out of touch with company culture. Find out what your company’s policies are on reimbursements. Some have a per diem, some have a max dollar amount per meal, some don’t pay for alcohol, and some don’t care at all. You might need an itemized receipt for meals. Speaking of receipts, make sure you get them for EVERYTHING and don’t forget to write in tip. I prefer using uber for business trips because I know I’ll get a real-looking receipt, not some handwritten nonsense. I also keep an envelope for receipts on me at all times. Receipts have a way of getting lost if they don’t immediately go into the envelope.

    8. I think the general advice to expense things and just be reasonable is good. Is there someone who doesn’t supervise you directly who can give you some advice?

      To give you an idea about how at least one company feels about business expenses, this happened last week.

      GC: I saw Joe [young new employee] checking into the hotel for the conference and they made him put down a credit card for a $50/day hold. He doesn’t have a company card, but I don’t think he should have to use his own card.
      Travel Coordinator: That’s unacceptable! He shouldn’t have to have a hold on his personal card for company travel! I told the hotel not to do that!
      GC: I wish I had been closer, I would’ve thrown down my company card to cover him. Let’s get this straightened out ASAP. …etc.

      The point being… they really don’t think that *business* travel should mean extensive personal expenses. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a common approach.

    1. I was thinking that this was a nursing friendly dress. Perhaps it is. Still no.

    2. It would be great with a black blazer and black pumps or booties. It’s a lot of ‘look’ how it’s styled here. I do not understand those shoes at all.

    3. If you have money, a decent figure and want to look understated next to your less endowed friends, this is your perfect frumpy look!

    8. This dress is awful- it doesn’t look like it fits, I can’t figure out the belt, and it’s all around just fugly. It’s like, baggy but clingy but frumpy-awful all in one.

    9. This dress is hideous. At first I thought it was an April Fools’ day post. Then I remember it’s October.
      .
      I don’t even understand what’s happening with those shoes. It’s like some sort of unholy alliance of a mule and an unzipped boot.

  5. Awful dress.

    As to the Ivanks comment, that’s her two cents worth. Why get so insulted by it? Who cares what she thinks or says? Half the world believes that a woman’s job is to only be a mom/ daughter/ sister/ whatever.
    Who f – ing cares?

    Unless of course, you’re an Ivanka fan and therefore feel let down.

    Life is too short to be irritated by comments made by a woman supporting her racist, bigoted dad.

    1. Who cares? Idk, anyone horrified by her potential influence on national policy as one of her father’s closest advisors?

      1. Well, it isn’t going to make a difference. Compared to the stuff the Trump campaign has said so far, this is practically benign. So you can’t stop them.

        Better ignore and vote for HRC!

    2. I agree. That comment is eyeroll worthy, but nothing different than what Republicans have been saying for decades. MUCH much less offensive than the horrible, bigoted rhetoric her father spews (and she supports).

      1. +1

        Yes, let’s save our energy for outrage at the things that really are critical. Crying wolf about everything tangential and small dilutes the effect of our complaints about the big stuff.

        1. No. This “little stuff” is the pyramid the “big stuff” rests on.

          Why do you think that it’s ‘ok’ for politicians and employers to continue to implement policies that are not supportive of working mothers or women’s reproductive rights, or equal pay, et al? Because they know they can get away with it (or worse, that it’s what people WANT) because of attitudes expressed and not challenged in the public sphere.

    3. Who f’ing cares? Um, people who are affected by the fact that 50% of the world holds these retrograde ideas?

      It’s not just a matter of being irritated. I wouldn’t have thought that anyone would need to have this explained to them, but societal attitudes can actually impact people’s lives. Shocking, I know.

      Is it the worst thing ever said? No. Is it revolutionary in its awfulness? No. But why should I just ignore BS instead of calling it out?

      1. This. Exactly this.

        When people say things like this on a national stage it reinforces the idea that it’s normal and ok to think this way. Then when you get passed over for a promotion because you’re pregnant or you come back from maternity leave to find that all of the good projects are going to male associates, you get outraged. But this type of speech helps reinforce the idea that women are primarily mothers and secondarily everything else (also that women should want to be mothers, first and foremost!).

        Complacency is a form of tacit approval. And we all live with the consequences.

  6. DC ladies, is the Trader’s Joe in Bethesda good (in terms of quality of produce, other food, and parking)? I normally shop at Whole Foods but my grocery bills are getting out of control? Is TJ’s that much cheaper? It’s significantly more inconvenient for me to get to TJ, but I will if there is a significant savings. TIA.

    1. Oh my goodness, yes… Trader Joe’s is much cheaper than Whole foods. Really excellent deal. But it is very small, has very limited selection, and is more of a niche store. It is my favorite + Costco for more deals/bulk goods.

      I only go to Whole Foods these days for unusual fresh produce (eg. fresh bunch of organic beets with greens still attached) or to get fish.

      I am cooking for one. Trader Joe’s is the salvation for singles.

    2. Trader Joe’s is definitely cheaper than Whole Foods, but I don’t love the one in Bethesda. It’s definitely in need of a renovation (which I think might be in the works, but I could be wrong). There is a parking deck, but it definitely fills up.

      2. Agreed with BabyAssociate. TJ’s is much cheaper but that one is kind of tight. They also don’t sell wine. The newest one on 14th is larger and my preferred store. The one in Foggy Bottom is decent too although the lines can get really long at checkout.

        1. Agreed on the 14th Street location, but I’m not sure how driving-friendly that one is.

    3. Definitely cheaper! Its worth the drive. I used to live 5 min from a TJs, but now I’m 40 min. away. I drive there once a month and stock up on the many frozen options. You can get organic frozen veggies and fruits (great for smoothies) MUCH cheaper than Whole Foods. Also, there are some good frozen lunch options to stick in the work freezer. The cheeses are phenomenally cheaper, too.

    4. I used to shop at the Foggy Bottom Whole Foods and literally cut my grocery bill in half when I switched to the Trader Joe’s. I now get everything at TJ aside from scallops, fresh tuna, smoked salmon (I particularly like this brand that only WF carries), and the occasional specialty ingredient (like all-butter puff pastry) that I can’t find at TJ.

      If you need suggestions about what to get at TJ, I have tons of TJ-based 10-20 minute dinners in my repertoire and I’m happy to share.

      1. Super late response but in case you are still following – Please do share or post on a later thread. We would all love these!

  7. I just got a new cat and she is exploring the house and adjusting fairly well (has sat in my lap, comes over for pets, etc.), but she is barely eating. I’ve seen her take the tiniest little nibble of wet food and the same for dry and possibly a sip of water. When should I be concerned? Are there any food brands that are especially tasty to cats that I could tempt her with? She’s a 4 year old who came from the shelter and we were warned that she could take a LONG time to warm up, although she’s been a lot friendlier than I expected.

    1. Are you feeding her the same food she was given in the shelter, or a new brand? My cat is super picky and won’t eat certain brands of food but loves others. I’ve had success with Purina dry indoor cat food (green bag), which I consider the “fast food” of catfood, and slowly transitioning to a ‘healthier’ brand.

    2. In similar situations we’ve tried canned tuna and baby food (our vet recommended ‘turkey dinner’…).

    3. Cats can quickly develop something called idiopathic hepatic lipidosis, after not eating for as little as a few days. This is a very serious, often fatal condition, fatal if not treated. In cats, only a few days without food allows the liver cells to turn to fat, which makes them feel worse, anorexia worsens, and it is a cycle that can only be broken by lots of food. If not broken, they will starve themselves to death. (This if of course a layman’s description.)

      My cat developed this after an unexplained fever, and it took months on a PEG tube for her to recover (actually one month, and then four months of weaning her off the tube). Don’t roll your eyes- this was supposed to be for a “few weeks” only and of course I thought, I can do anything for a few weeks. But it was well worth it — she lived another nine years after recovering.

      I would not panic but would figure out a way to determine just how much she is eating, and go to your local petsmart or petco and buy a couple of cans of everything they have. Tiki cat (very smelly) has worked pretty well for mine. Leave food out for her at all times. In a new environment, cats will often eat when everyone else is asleep.

      Good luck!

      1. I second this so much. When I first got my cat 11 years ago she wouldn’t eat. After four days of the rescue group saying she was just getting adjusted I took her to the vet. Turns out she also hadn’t been eating before I got her, and she had this – called fatty liver disease. She was immediately hospitalized and was on a feeding tube for a month. She fully recovered, but it was a long expensive process. Get her to a vet asap to confirm this isn’t happening.

    4. How long has this been going on? A few days or a few weeks?

      Find a nice box that’s about six inches high. Put her water bowl and food dish on it. Cats are prey as well as predators; elevating their food dishes means they don’t have to hunch over and look as small. This makes them feel safer, and it’s especially important in a new environment.

    5. When my cat was sick, my vet recommended Friskies as it is “cat crack.” It’s pretty unhealthy and shouldn’t be their everyday food but when you want something they can’t resist, that’s her go to.

      1. Yup, we call Friskies “potato chips”. They are our cat’s special occasion food. He loves them.

    6. For wet food, try the Broths in the white packets. My cat won’t eat any other wet food. I was desperate because she’s getting older and needs more water in her diet than she was getting with dry food.

      For water, try a water fountain. She now drinks about 2x as much water as she used to.

    7. Have you called the shelter and asked what food brands your cat was given there? Cats can be really conservative about those.

      Also, is your wet food a pate? Our cat hates pate, as it turned out, so he refused to eat it when we first got him (and still will eat it very reluctantly); it seems that a lot of cats have a preference for chunkier food.

    8. I foster cats and kittens for the local animal shelter. They can be picky about food – my go-to for picky eaters is Iams Purrrfect Delights Flaked Wet Catfood in one of the seafood flavors (the Tuna flavor with the teal stripe on the can is the hands-down the favorite). I’ve used it for many, many cats and kittens…I’ve seen kittens go from being picky and not eating to shoving each other out of the way to get to it :)

      I’d also get her to the vet ASAP…not eating for that long can indicate an issue. Good luck and report back!

      1. Also, yes – find out what the shelter was feeding her and ask them if she was eating normally while she was there.

    9. Give her a little time if it’s only been a few days. My cats went on a hunger strike after I moved recently – ate just about nothing for 3-4 days and then barely nibbled for the next week or so.

      Does she have a room in the house that’s ‘hers’? If you have a small bedroom or similar, try keeping her mostly contained in there for a while – it will give her time to really feel comfortable in that space. When she’s got the whole house to roam, she’s probably in a mental state that it’s all new territory and no ‘home’ territory.

    11. You have gotten a lot of good advice. I just wanted to ask whether it is possible that your cat is eating when you are away from the food dishes and don’t see it. One of my cats refuses to eat when I’m around. I have no idea why, I know she eats as the food goes away when she is the only one in the kitchen, but she hates being watched eating.

  8. Ladies, what are your tips on sharing an office? I’m a federal law clerk, and all three clerks share one large office. I came from Biglaw, and in my previous career I also had my own space, so this is my first sharing experience. Both my co-clerks tend toward messiness (one more than the other). Our office includes the mini fridge and microwave for the entire chambers, which are also messy and can be annoying/ smelly at lunch. I keep my desk and personal space spotless but the example doesn’t seem to be rubbing off.

    I am trying to resist the temptation to clean the fridge and microwave, and/or straighten up random binder stacks, because I do NOT want to become the office mommy. How can I make this a group activity without bossing everyone around?

    Is it acceptable to touch up powder and/or lipstick using a compact at my desk or must I carry a makeup bag to the bathroom? I wouldn’t worry about this if my co-clerks were women, but they are both guys. And now I’m wondering if I’m way overthinking this….

    Finally, one co-clerk has the gross habit of taking off his shoes and putting his sock feet up on his desk while reading. He does this every day. Way at the beginning of our clerkship, like our first week, he asked me if it bothered me that he put his feet up. He was wearing shoes at the time. I said it didn’t bother me (which was true, because he had shoes on), but I wouldn’t do it in the middle of the day when the judge might walk in. Well, now he’s started taking off his shoes and doing it all day every day. If the judge walks in he puts his feet down, but they go right back up after. I mean… he has never had a full-time job before except for internships, so maybe he just doesn’t understand professionalism? You’d think he’d err on the side of caution, but no. Is there a way for me to broach this topic? How do I deal? Ick.

    1. 1. No, no, no. You don’t tidy the binders. You don’t expect to rub off on them. You don’t make it a group activity. You are not the boss of them. You keep your own desk how you like it and let them do the same.

      2. Yeah that’s fine. Although idk why you’re touching up you powder during the day since it isn’t 1950. Consider that you have too much time on your hands if your makeup is this big of a deal.

      3. Are you kidding? Judge doesn’t care? Not a problem. Get over it.

      You need to majorly calm down about all of this.

      1. 1. That’s what I thought re binder stacks (I said I am resisting the temptation). My question was more about the common fridge and microwave. There’s stuff growing in there and it’s gross.

        2. Chill out. If I have 5 minutes to read the headlines or browse this s*te on a break, I can take 60 seconds to pat a little powder on if I get shiny. My time is my own to manage.

        3. Really? You think it’s fine to put one’s sweaty sock feet up on a desk constantly in a professional environment shared with two other people? Maybe the answer is there is no way for me to broach it, in which case whatever I will live, but it’s pretty gross.

        I’m calm, thank you.

        1. You don’t seem calm, you seem incredibly uptight.

          Look, it’s not right, but if the microwave is an issue, stick some Lysol and paper towels next to it.

          Feet on a desk is no more unprofessional than powdering your nose.

          1. Really disagree re touching up powder/feet on desk. It’s not unprofessional to take 30 seconds to blot some powder on your face. It’s not like you’re doing a full contour and finishing it off with rainbow highlighter.

            That said, I would not touch up my powder unless I was leaning over a sink because I am unlucky and clumsy. I know the one time I whip out my powder at my desk, the whole compact is going to dissolve all over my lap.

          2. LOL anon, I went on an extended hunt for a pressed powder I liked for that exact reason. Loose powder + desk drawer = disaster.

            And obviously, I totally agree re feet =/= powder touch up. Those are on two totally different levels to me.

        2. Replying to myself because I see my phrasing re cleaning up wasn’t super clear. They can do whatever they want to their desks, I’m just more concerned about the common food-related areas.

          1. For the microwave/fridge, I think you can bring it up at the right moment. If one of them microwaves someone that explodes, say “Could you please wipe out the microwave after you use it?” Same with the fridge- if something has mold on it, just say “There’s an item in here with mold on it. If it’s yours, could you throw it away?” Don’t do it for them. Don’t apologize for it. You’re not asking them do chores and you’re not being unreasonable to want to avoid catching botulism in the workplace.

            As for the general messiness and casual behavior- can’t do anything about that. Keep your area neat. Clean up after yourself. If the shared space is really truly small and the shoeless clerk’s feet are really an odor problem, I think you can address that. But if it’s just slightly annoying, I think you have to let it go.

          2. I loled at “microwaves someone” – if I were OP that’s what I’d want to do with shoeless clerk.

    2. You could propose a rotating weekly/monthly mini fridge and microwave cleaning schedule, get their buy-in, and then post it above the microwave.

      Unless his bare feet smell and impede your ability to work… you may just have to let that one go. It’s not your problem if he appears unprofessional, unless you’re a mentor not a peer.

      Personally, I’ll touch up lip gloss at my desk, but anything more major is a bathroom activity.

      1. +1

        You do seem a bit uptight about all of this – everyone is an adult. I don’t think you can expect for your “example to rub off on them”.

        Put your lipgloss on at your desk – anything else, I would do in the bathroom. Take turns to clean the microwave and fridge. Relax about the binders – it’s not going to create any actual problems besides annoying you.

        breathe.

    3. What do you mean by “messy/smelly at lunch”? People are cooking their food and so there are normal food-related smells and the occasional spill? Or are people leaving their food in the fridge for weeks so you get to smell rotten food every time the fridge is opened?

      1. Both of these things. There was rotten food in there from the previous clerks (and maybe the judge and/or other chambers staff? not sure) when we moved into this office about a month ago. The non-shoeless clerk and I threw out some obviously rotten things, but there are still some mystery items and a lot of spilled food getting gross in there. Whoever does the initial cleaning, it’s going to be a gargantuan task. I wouldn’t even mind doing it so much but I don’t want to set a precedent that I will clean up after others all the time.

        The microwave sometimes smells depending what people are making, but I think that falls squarely in the “suck it up” camp of office annoyances. Shoeless clerk likes to make hardboiled eggs in a coffee cup full of water. Barf. But it’s his food so I’m not going to say anything.

        1. If all three of you just moved into this office and a lot of the old food is from previous clerks, I think it would be fine to say “Hey, the fridge is pretty disgusting – I am going to clean it out tomorrow. If there is anything you want to keep, please mark it with a post-it. Otherwise, I’m going to throw it out.” And then do it. But don’t make a habit of regularly cleaning out the fridge. I know it’s not fair, and you don’t want to be the office mommy, but I can understand being really grossed out by rotten food in the fridge.

          3. Or each chip in $20 or whatever to hire a TaskRabbit or similar to come in for a 1 time cleanup. Personally I wouldn’t clean the fridge in front of my colleagues. Just gives the wrong impression.

          5. Unfortunately, maintenance is not an option. This is a federal courthouse, so beyond taking out the trash, maintenance doesn’t do anything extra.

            I also wouldn’t want to clean the fridge in front of colleagues, hence my initial thought to make it a group activity. “Guys, how about we have a cleaning session for 20 minutes tonight? Can somebody hold this trash bag?” kind of thing.

        2. I didn’t know that was a thing (hardboiled eggs in the micro). He sounds like he’s just a bit odd. I’d probably ignore him and recognize that everyone is going to come to realize he’s a little weird.

          I’d clean the other stuff bit by bit as it annoys you. I don’t think you’re becoming the office mom by doing that, just do it discretely and don’t make a big deal. Others may follow suit. I cleaned our office microwave this morning because it looked gross (side bar, there was a piece of HAIR in it…HOW?!) and highly doubt I’m in risk of losing respect or whatever…chances are, no one noticed, but I got to heat up my taco in a clean microwave.

        3. Alright I’m stuck on the hardboiled egg thing. So this guy somehow manages to transport a super fragile not-hardboiled-egg into the office so that he can then hardboil it in the microwave? How does that even work? I can’t manage to bring a pear to work without turning it into mush. I bet his work bag is full of gooey crusty egg shells.

  9. We’re still giving her the dry food from the shelter, but have been mixing in some wet food we purchased ourselves with the one can of wet food we were given. I don’t know what the shelter brand of dry food was, but she doesn’t seem to be falling head over heels for it!

  10. To whoever recommended the baby feet foot peels, thank you a gazillion times.

    I had about 8 years worth of callouses (and I spent a lot of time running on cement bare foot-that was a bad phase) because I was too ashamed of my feet to get a pedicure and a pumice just wasn’t going to cut it.

    After seeing someone mention the peel here, I ordered it and tried it. And while the process was super gross, at the end of it, I had completely soft and smooth feet without a hint of callouses and could wear open toed shoes without being self-conscious.

    YAY!

    If anyone is interested, check them out: http://ow.ly/6xjr304NtPz

    1. Ooh, thanks, my callouses are atrocious and my husband convinced me to throw out the scary tool after I cut myself and left bloody footprints throughout the hours. Is it horrifyingly disgusting? Do I need to skip yoga while my feet shed their skin?

      1. Yes. No yoga unless you’re wearing socks over them. But you can accelerate the process by regularly doing hot soaks.

    2. Can someone speak to the lag time between application and the peeling activity? I bought the kit but haven’t done it yet because I need to know before my feet start peeling profusely, and the instructions were so vague about how long it would take before anything happened.

      2. About a week. I speed it up by using a loofah on my feet in the shower. I find that these work just as well but are much cheaper than Baby Feet.

      3. I think it was about 5-7 days for me between application and peeling. I have had calloused feet for my whole life, and while the peel was great at first, the effects didn’t last any longer than a pedicure. My feet are rough though. It might last longer for other people.

      1. I find I need pedicures less often since I used Babyfoot. It is a wonder product.

  11. Hi all – anyone have a wet/dry vacuum (or something similar) they love? I’m looking for the easiest and quickest way to keep hardwood floors clean. Bonus points if it is under ~$120 and easy to maneuver around.

    1. My mom had one of those Shark upright steam cleaners and loved it. Shark is a great brand IME (although I’ve only had their regular vacuums, not the wet/dry kind).

    2. +1 to steam mop. I have a like $60 Bissel one and I love it. Our floors are so.much.cleaner.

  12. I’m relatively new in my position which was formally held by my boss. He knows my direct reports well and bypasses me and goes directly to them with requests. I’m trying to screw up my courage to talk with him about this because I feel it undermines my leadership. Otherwise we get along well and I have good relationships with my direct reports. Words of advice?

    1. Yes, this does undermine your leadership and also puts your direct reports in an awkward situation. I formerly reported to the big boss and then after a reorg, I began reporting to intermediate boss. My role didn’t change, so big boss still routinely came into my office to give projects, but my new boss was generally out of the loop and it created hostility in our relationship.

      Things that have helped this along included my intermediate boss calling out the big boss. She also called me out and asked me to cc her more often on correspondence. It’s been several years and the relationships are still not great. The sooner you stand up and insist that you are the one to give assignments to your staff, the better.

    2. I would advise rethinking. Is Boss talking to Reports keeping you out of the loop on projects? Then yes, address. You can ask Boss to keep you up to date on what he’s asking of Reports, and suggest he comes to you first so you can plan workloads. But you’re borrowing trouble if him assigning work to Reports is only a leadership issue. If Reports think highly of Boss and you move in to cut this relationship, they might think less highly of you, and you might have troubles with Boss too. Having a great relationship with Boss is another type of good leadership you can show your Reports.

  13. Ughhhhhhh I hate today. I just got a call from a client/former manager/well meaning friend that started out with a very normal request of whether I was going to go to X event, and then segued into asking about my cystic acne, if I had been to a dermatologist, treatment, and her experience with a spider bite/derm/holistic medicine. I know she was well meaning by it all, but it just confirmed my worst fears that my face looks terrible and people are noticing and wondering WTF I’m doing about it.

    I can just envision what prompted this too, which is equally infuriating/humiliating as the phone call. She’s good friends with a yoga teacher/aesthetician whose yoga studio I practice at and I think they talked about it. I made the mistake of not wearing makeup to a Saturday class, which proceeded in several general comments about being an aesthetician during the class (I overlooked those) and then at the end of class, calling me back into the studio saying she noticed I was breaking out and giving me a sample, in front of half the class. I had one class left that was about to expire that I used this last weekend (with a full face of makeup) and you can bet I’m not going back until I’m done with accutane. I’m two months in and maybe it’s starting to clear, but stuff like this makes me want to cry and go home and stay there.

    1. these people sound like the WORST.

      also, accutane is tough. be kind to yourself until it’s done. i’m happy to have been through it (twice), but it was a bummer at the time.

      1. Thanks for the encouragement! It is a bummer; I just want it to work faster!

    2. Wow, I’m ragey for you. These people seriously need to get a life. Who even pays that much attention to someone else’s skin???

    3. Time for a new yoga studio. If you have a subscription/membership, I’d ask for a refund of the rest of it.

      1. I just finished out the one class left this last weekend, but did so very self-consciously. Now that this phone call happened this morning, I don’t think that I could have done it.

      1. I kinda give the one who called a pass, because she’s much, much older than me (73) and sort of almost grandmotherly interfering and we’ve been closer over the years anyway. If she brings it up again, then I’m annoyed. But I’m pretty disappointed in the yoga teacher. I’ve thought that she would be a great mentor/friend over the years, because she has a life that I would love to emulate (was a successful business owner, sold the business, now is a successful yoga teacher/community dev person, plus childfree) – but now I just feel like I’m done with her.

        Especially since I was thinking of a completely different group of friends who on the surface you would think would be WAY more likely to be like this (much younger, much more gossipy, much more superficial), but who a) never bring it up and b) when I bring it up, are super encouraging about what I’m doing.

      2. Oh I’m yogi through and through, so definitely am going to keep going to yoga – just not at this studio. It’s not my fav, anyway, just 40 minutes closer than any other yoga studio (rural area). It just means a difference between devoting 2 hours to a saturday morning class, or a half a day to driving into the city for yoga class and a brunch on a saturday (which is thoroughly enjoyable and my preference when I can make it work).

    6. Ugh, I’m sorry this happened. I would go to a new yoga studio, but if you decide to stick around, speak up if they say something else to you. It’s easier said than done, of course, but a firm “I’ll let you know if I need advice on my skin” might shut them right up. How can people be so damn rude?

      1. I think I’m done with the studio for a while, but I’ll have to see both of them at events that we’re all involved in. I like the way your phrased it – I’m going to practice it.

    7. These people are rude, full stop. I’ve seen this kind of behavior in MLM people and it makes me nuts.

    8. I’m really really sorry. That’s just terrible. I can relate — when I was little people would make comments on how much prettier I would be if I had a smaller nose!! :( You can imagine what that did to my teen self-esteem.

      1. I feel you. Family used to tell me I ‘would be a knockout if I just lost some weight’ (I was an early bloomer). Cue 10 years of disordered eating.

        1. I’m 6′ tall and people (including co-workers and strangers) tell me all the time I could be a supermodel if I “lost some weight” or “were 15 pounds lighter” or things like that (I’m an average fit build, but not supermodel-skinny). WTF is wrong with people.

      2. ugh, people are the worst! who says that?!

        And Anon and Anonymous, people need to not comment on weight – it is just always going to be hurtful. I will never forget the girl who told me in high school that “lots of people think you’re anorexic” when she saw me eating a chili dog. Like, where do I even go with that?

        1. Well into my adult life, my younger brother (7 years difference) ended up at a job where a male high school classmate of mine was his boss. He mentioned to him that he probably knows me since it was a small school. His boss then said, “oh, I remember her. The tall blonde anorexic one, right?” My brother responded aghast, “she wasn’t anorexic, she had Crohn’s disease.” Rather than apologizing, he doubled down explaining, oh, she was in so many sports I figured she worked out all the time to be that thin. To which a third coworker replied “oh, so she’s hot?” Boss replied “she was too thin for my tastes but if she is healthy now I bet she’s hot.” My brother basically said “oh my god, you guys are nuts, she remembers you from choir and wanted to say hi. Don’t ever talk about my sister again please.

          Luckily it was just a summer job and he was able to quickly get out of there. Just ew.

    9. That’s so rude! I dealt with that a lot as a teenager and into my 20’s, I had terrible acne and lots of people had something to say about it. Any doctor I went to, whether I was trying out a new PCP or checking in with a psychiatrist during a clinical trial for ADHD medicine, everyone needed to toss some random prescription at me. Friends said I needed to try Proactiv, I should sleep on towels. Sometimes they would just point out a pimple on my face, like, oh gee thanks, I had no idea!

      On one hand, I get it. You find something that works wonders for your skin and you want others to know about it. But unsolicited comments and advice about your skin is so demoralizing. You’re right, it sounds like “oh hi, you look so terrible I’m going to take it upon myself to fix it, regardless of what boundaries I may cross in the process.”

    11. Aw, I feel you. These people are the worst. I’ve always had terrible cystic acne along my chin and jaw line, especially around that time of the month. In college a “friend” got a tiny whitehead on her nose and asked me for advice about it and prefaced her question with “Hey anon, you have terrible skin so can you help me…?” This is going to sound silly, but I honestly did not realize until that moment that I had bad skin. I just sort of assumed everyone had acne as a teenager and it wasn’t until then that I realized my acne was different from other people’s acne. It really, really did a number on my self-esteem for a long time. But now I’ve come to accept it and I rarely wear makeup. My face is my face and people who don’t like it can look away.

      Another story about embarrassing moments, but this one is yoga not acne related: I recently moved to a new city and took a yoga class for the first time. The entire time the teacher was kind of talking to me in a babying and encouraging way, which I thought was a little weird. After the class she came up to me and she said “You have a long way to go, but that wasn’t terrible, considering it’s your first time doing yoga.” It wasn’t anywhere near my first time doing yoga…I’ve had a regular (off and on, but still) yoga practice for almost five years now. And even if I were a total novice I think telling someone they have a long way to go isn’t a very encouraging thing to say!

      1. For real on how it takes a big toll on your self-esteem. I’m glad that you got to that acceptance point – I really want to get there and not feel the need to wear makeup everywhere.

        And that’s crazy about that yoga teacher! I totally agree with your last line – that shouldn’t be said to anyone, even a novice. The most encouraging thing anyone has ever said to me in yoga came at my very first class at a hot yoga vinyasa studio that I’m sure I was terrible mess at because I was super new and there were lots of very experienced practitioners in the room – after the class one of the regulars encouraged to go to yoga teacher training. That planted the seed that I could be good at this if I kept practicing (plus all the other great benefits to yoga ;)).

      2. Ugh- sorry this happened to you and sorry this garbabge happened to the OP.

        True story – my mil is a yoga teacher and very involved in her particular brand of yoga. You would think these people would be super kind and calm and zen right? Wrong. The politics,back- stabbing and nastiness of the whole thing is crazy. It’s almost comical- like you could do a Christopher guest style mockumentry about people saying awful, judgmental things in the blissed-out breathy yoga voice. I hope that thought maybe makes you feel a little better.

      3. For the OP– my lord, I’m so sorry this happened to you! Those people sound heinous, I can’t even imagine how I’d react.

        To Anonymous at 11:26 a.m., just wanted to say that you’re not the only person to have a later-in-life light bulb moment about skin. I too figured everyone had acne in high school and college, and my acne is in fact pretty light now at 29– but I just, within the past six months or so, realized I have “bad skin” due to epic amounts of deep red hyperpigmentation left over from old acne, plus some fun mystery persistent bright redness on my chin that I 100% assumed was beard burn from kissing my husband….until I put it together I’d had it for like eight years, and it never fades or goes away even when he travels. Now I notice that every single little zit leaves an angry red mark behind and am knee deep in vitamin C serums and other brightening products. But I’m still flabbergasted it took me until 29 to figure out that my skin, actually, kinda sucks.

    12. I feel for you. My 14 year old started RetinA recently, and (as the doc said it might), her acne got worse before it started (just recently) getting better.

      She’s been very self-conscious.

      1. Honestly, just keep telling her that you think it’s getting better. Hands down, that has been the best thing for me. DH tells me that all the time, every time I complain or he catches me looking at the mirror sadly. I know he was lying for the first month, but I think he really believed it because he was looking for good things, ya know? Anyway, even if I don’t believe it myself it’s so helpful to hear someone else say it like they believe it.

    14. I hope this doesn’t sound like piling on the yoga teacher weirdness, but 50 mg of Spironolactone changed my life. I went from cystic acne to getting compliments on my skin from random people. (Other things, including accutane did not work long-term). It took 20 years before I found a dermatologist who told me about this option, so just trying to save you some time on the off chance it could work.

      1. Tried it! The spiro was the last thing I did before finally jumping on the accutane wagon. I wanted it to work so bad and gave it 10 months, but all I got from it was constantly cold feet.

  14. For those of you that advocate a mental health day, how do you execute it? Call in sick or plan a day off?

    1. I call in a migraine. My office would not be open to a mental health day labelled as such.

    2. I’m obsessed with your handle. Nelly Yuki, you deserve a day off. Treat yo’ self!

      I typically schedule mental health days for Fridays. On Monday of that week, I send an email to everyone who needs to know saying “I will be out Friday. Please direct inquiries to _____ while I am out.”

    4. I call in sick, generally. This past Tuesday I woke up and immediately said NOPE, emailed my boss, and went back to bed. Unfortunately, then I usually feel guilty for most of the day for calling in sick when I’m not, so that cancels out some of the benefits of the mental health day. For that reason planning them in advance might be a better way to go.

    5. I call in sick because my sick days are tracked differently than vacation, and as management I can take as many sick days as I want, although I’ve never taken more than 4 in a year. I have limited vacation days.

      Anyway, I try to do it on a Friday, but I have done mid week before. I just send an email saying that I’m not feeling well and will not be in. I usually only take a mental health day once every year or two. If I have an extra vacation day I’ll sometimes use that as a mental health day.

    6. Just say you’re not feeling well. No reason to go through a detailed description of why you’re not feeling well.

    7. Allegedly true story, a call-in to the boss from one of my union clients’ members:

      I’m won’t be in today. I’ve got a problem with my eyes.

      A problem with your eyes?

      Yeah, I can’t see coming in to work.

      1. My husband calls it anal glaucoma…… ” I can’t see my a$$ coming in to work today.”

    8. Do you give a reason why you’re out sick? I sometimes do, but I don’t like oversharing why I’m ill. At times, I’ll just say “Good morning, I need to take a sick day today.”

      My partner is a teacher, and I envy him. He logs into a website to “call out sick”. I have to email my boss and immediate team.

  15. After waiting a month, I finally have an interview on Wednesday with a company I really want to work for. However, I was supposed to leave Wednesday to visit my mom for her birthday. The interview is at 12pm. I’m thinking of bringing my weekend bag with me to the interview, and leave from there to catch a train. I’m assuming there is a coat closet at reception and could leave the bag there before the interview. Would it look weird to do that?
    Thanks

    2. Nope, not weird. I’ve gone straight from the airport to an interview and brought a suitcase with me. I wouldn’t think twice about it.

    3. Not weird at all. That said, be mindful of what luggage you choose– the receptionist may take note. Just part of the overall principle that your interaction with reception is a huge and important part of any interview.

    4. I’d make sure that there is actually a reception and a closet. The clerk at my office has an unfortunately placed desk and when people treat her like reception it reflects very poorly on the candidate

  16. Do they exist? I always buy the lowest cut ones I can find and you can still see the top band of the sock above my sneaker. Recommendations appreciated!!

    1. Have you looked at the Balega socks? The hidden comfort ones have a pretty low profile, but there is some padding at the achilles area that you can see. I think they make a no-show as well.

    2. Smartwool running socks have pretty low profile, although not completely no-show.

  17. I recently went to Nordstrom online and saw that a few items I purchased during the NAS have gone down in price. I used the Live Chat and got a price adjustment for 3 items. But as soon as I was done, I realized that 2 of those items are actually no longer available.

    Will Nordstrom give a price adjustment even if the item is sold out? If so that would be amazing but it seems too good to be true.

    2. Usually no, the item has to be available in your size and color. But if the chat rep okayed it you are good to go.

    3. Thank so much for this post! I did not know they would do this and I bought a classiques dress that is now $50 less! wahoo!!

    4. Generally they will only match the price if the size and color is still in stock.

  18. I’m looking for recommendations for female therapists in Boston. Bonus points for anyone in Back Bay and/or extended hours, but all recommendations welcome. I’m dealing with the end of a relationship and general work/life stress. The process of finding someone who is a good fit, has availability that works with my crazy job schedule, and accepts my insurance feels overwhelming and is just causing me even more stress. Thank you in advance for all recommendations!

    1. Maureen McCormick – She is in Brookline. Helped me through a tough time.

  19. I have a phone screen later this afternoon for a new job. Right now, I’m mostly at the fact-finding stage of my job hunt: I like my current job, but it also really, really stresses me out and I am beginning to wonder whether it’s worth it. I’m curious to see what else is out there.

    Two questions: (1) What is a tactful way of asking about the salary range? It’s a director role and would be a step up from my current position, but not crazily so. (2) Is it reasonable to ask why the predecessor is leaving?

      1. I disagree. I’d ask about salary range so you don’t waste your time on an in-person interview if it’s not high enough. That saves both sides time and effort.

        1. +1 This is the time to ask about salary. Vacating position I might leave for in person.

    2. I think there is a casual way to ask about salary range – but be aware that they may throw it back at you and ask you what you think the appropriate range is, in which case I’d have an answer. Do some research on this, but I also wouldn’t be afraid to overshoot. If your range is higher than theirs but theirs is still acceptable to you, tell them you still want to learn more about the position. If you undershoot, they will mark in their notes that your range is lower than theirs.

      I wouldn’t ask why the predecessor is leaving but would ask, I think more tactfully, ‘what brought about the need for the role’?

    3. In a recent phone screen I was asked what my salary requirements are – so it may come up naturally. If it doesn’t, ask. No need to waste your time (and theirs) if it doesn’t meet your requirements.

      I would hold off on the predecessor question – it seems more appropriate for a full interview.

  20. What’s the etiquette on a bride covering the cost of hair and makeup for the bridesmaids and anyone else she invites to get ready with her? If the bride is not going to pay for everyone, when should she let them know that?

    My cousin is getting married this weekend. I am not a bridesmaid but she invited me to get ready with her, which I accepted. I’m getting married next month so I reciprocated the invitation. I plan to pay for hair and makeup for everyone and I assumed that she did too since she never mentioned cost. I talked to her over the weekend and she said that my hair/makeup will be almost $300 (no idea if that includes tip). If I’d known what the cost would be when she first asked me, I would have declined. I don’t think I can back out now, though, because she’s at the minimum number required for them to come to you. So I guess my question really comes down to how annoyed am I allowed to be or is this really my own fault for poor communication? Do I have to tip on top of the $300? Would it be unfair of me to ask cousin to cover the cost of her hair/makeup at my wedding even though I’m paying for everyone else’s? I really only invited her because I thought I was reciprocating her offer and didn’t want to cause issues in the family. I’m trying to remind myself that $300 is not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, but I’m also freaking out a little over this unexpected expense so close to my wedding (which we’re paying for ourselves).

    1. $300? For hair and makeup? That’s half a mortgage payment.

      You have my deepest sympathies. You are allowed to be very, very annoyed. That is the sort of information that should be presented up front with the original offer. “Hey, cousin! I am trying to put together a quorum for having the stylist come to me. Would you be interested? It would cost $300 and this is what you would get.”

      And for $300? Nope. I would not tip.

    2. $300 is insane for hair and makeup and you can absolutely still decline. If she’s using you to meet a minimum for a hairstylist to come to her, she sucks and you don’t have to be complicit in that.
      With respect to your question about “who pays” etiquette, in my circles, its more common for the bride to pay for everyone she invites to get ready, but I’ve been to weddings where the bride says “I’m not covering hair and makeup, feel free to do your own or each others or let me know if you’d like to pay to have my professional do it.” I have not been told I have to have it professionally done and the bride is not paying for it.

      1. Depends. Many salons charge a high flat rate for wedding hairstyling or up-dos or the like. The cost could also increase if they’re coming to you, working off hours, etc. For both hair and makeup it seems like a lot.

        I don’t think I’d do it, since you’re not in the wedding party. I wonder if she asked you because they need a certain number of people.

    3. The time is when you invite someone to get their hair and makeup done. You either say “hey, I’m having someone come do hair and makeup. Let me know if you want an appointment. It’s $300.” Or you’re paying for it. And if everyone must use your person and must have it professionally done, you must pay for it.

      Call her back today, “hey, I didn’t realize this would be $300. I’ll come hang out but I’m not going to do that expensive hair and makeup.”

      Bet she only asked you cause other people balked at the price. Her own problem meeting the minimum not yours.

      1. +1

        Totally fine to say that you didn’t realize it would be $300 (which is crazy!) and you can’t afford it with your own wedding coming up.

        1. I don’t even think you have to give a reason why you can’t afford it. $300 is objectively a lot to pay for hair and make-up, and she definitely should have flagged the cost when she asked you. I’d just say, “Hey, I didn’t realize that this is would cost me $300! I’m happy to spend time with you while everyone’s getting ready, if that’s still what you want, but I’ll do my own hair and makeup.”

          As to the issue of reciprocating, I think you should still cover the cost of her hair and makeup at your own wedding seeing as you’ve invited her and presumably didn’t flag the cost.

    4. I know this won’t be a popular opinion, but as you still have several days before the wedding, could you call your cousin and tell her that you didn’t realize that hair/makeup would be so expensive and it’s not in the budget for you right now? I would definitely start by asking if it would be a problem to cancel at this point and be willing to suck it up if her contract says it is too late to cancel. I would imagine the hair/makeup people can adjust their numbers without a problem.

      Her etiquette wasn’t right in this situation because she should have told you an estimated price when she invited you. At this point, that doesn’t really matter though. Also, it would be awkward if you asked her to be the only person to pay for their own hair/makeup at your wedding.

      1. Agreed. I would totally say it’s not in the budget to have it professionally done. Maybe you can still hang out with everyone and do it yourself? She definitely should have told you up front.

    5. I think it’s fine to decline. That is OTT expensive for hair and makeup. Do not ask her to cover the cost.

    6. Seriously, decline. You have your own expenses to deal with, not that your expenses matter.

    7. If the bride wants everyone to get their hair and makeup professional done, she picks up the tab. She can offer the service to people but be clear how much it costs.

    8. I think you are WELL within your rights to tell her, “Sorry, I didn’t anticipate it would be that much! I’m afraid it’s not in the budget” because YIPES.

      I would want to ask her to cover her own at your wedding… but when she hears that no one else had to, will she be mad? Though I guess if it’s just your bridesmaids and her… I don’t know. I’d be cautious.

      Weddings are the worst.

    9. You can absolutely decline. If you’re going to make up the quorum, she should foot the bill.

  21. I’m caught in the middle of 2 friends/colleagues, and I don’t know what to do.

    John is late 30s, sober for 5 years, well respected in his profession. We are in the same professional circle. He and his ex wife used to get into bad fights when they both were drunk. He got sober, they share joint custody of their daughter, and he seems to have learned from his mistakes. He claims there was no physical abuse but lots of verbal abuse on both sides. His ex wife still drinks, but they have a cordial relationship and he sees his daughter weekly.

    Steve is my age (early 30s), well respected in the same profession as John. Recently he blasted John on FB, saying John is a bad guy, irresponsible, people should stay away from him, basically calling him out for his mistakes in the past. I don’t know Steve super well. We are colleagues more than friends. It was a pretty hateful post that many people saw/commented on.

    I think John has changed. I’m impressed by his ongoing sobriety and AA meeting attendance. I’ve never had any problematic interactions with him. John wants ME to call out Steve. I don’t want to get involved. J0hn and I are pretty close, and he thinks that I’d influence Steve to backtrack. He also says I’m not a good friend if I don’t defend him. What would you do?

    This also has me reflecting on the broader theme of, can people change. I think they can if they do the work. John can openly talk about his bad marriage and his drinking, and why he’s changed. He doesn’t seem to hide or make excuses for his past behavior, and he sees his daughter weekly and supports her. It would seem that Steve disagrees and wants to blast John for an unknown reason. John thinks its for business competition.

    UGH!

    1. Didn’t you post a while about about this but you were involved romantically as well somehow?

      John asked you to call someone out is not good behavior.

      1. Yeah weren’t you going to visit John romantically, and Steve was trying to convince you not to go?

        Both of them sound like immature a$$hats from the above, though. Facebook blasts are for emo teens and racist uncles. Stay out of it.

    2. It seems that John isn’t really a great guy if he is pressuring you to join him in his drama. I’d ignore Steve and tell John “yeah nope. No way am I fighting your FB battles for you, you shouldn’t be asking me.” Bye.

    3. If your friends are blasting people on Facebook, it sounds like you need to upgrade to some more mature friends. Even if someone is a bad person, who “calls them out” on Facebook, for pete’s sake? Yikes.

      2. + 1. I totally think people can change but this sounds like a battle that neither you nor John need to fight. If Steve wants to rant, so be it – doesn’t that just make him look bad?

    4. I understand John’s desire to have someone stick up for him publicly. Being attacked like that is no fun. But it’s not OK of him to manipulate you into doing something you’ve said you’re uncomfortable with. If he wants the facebook posts to stop then he should report it and block Steve.

    5. Stay out of it and, as someone mentioned up-thread, evaluate whether you want to be associated with people who would do this on Facebook. That’s HS nonsense, not mature adult business.

  22. My shoes stink. I can’t figure out why. I have leather shoes. I rotate them daily, and I put foot powder in them. I also shower daily and scrub my feet. I’m very embarrassed by this. What can I do? Should I try “vegan leather” (pleather)? Should I see a doctor about this? I don’t think I have athlete’s foot. My feet themselves aren’t itchy.

    1. do you wear any socks or shoe liners?

      dirt, plus sweat, plus heat, plus no circulation = stink

    2. Are they fully leather or only partially, like a Nine West shoe? Pleather will probably make it worse.

    3. You have leather shoes, but are you sure the lining is leather as well? Many leather shoes have a synthetic lining, which leads to feet smelling. Nordstrom online will tell you the details about the type of lining a shoe has.

      I have the same issue and now will only buy shoes with a leather lining (so no more Nine West, Calvin Klein, Vince Camuto, Aldo, Sole Society, Ivanka Trump….list goes on and on).

      The shoes are pricier but I have noticed a dramatic improvement. HTH.

      1. OP here: this may be the problem. I’m wearing shoes right now that say “leather upper, balance man made”. The lining is a felt-like material.

        1. Yeah, that’s your problem. I tried some of the suggestions listed here like freezing shoes, but my shoes were just too far gone and smelled like something died. I ended up tossing all of my non-leather lining shoes altogether. Now my feet rarely stink.

          Try Louis et cie for a more affordable shoe designer, most if not all shoes have leather lining.

        2. Yeah, I was going to say – vegan leather will make the problem worse, not better. I can say with authority, as a vegan, who is constantly fighting this fight.

    5. You really need a foot covering of some sort (trouser socks, etc). Try baking soda instead of foot powder.

      1. +1. Cheap vodka is also a good deodorizer.

        Your best bet is prevention. Make sure the lining is leather, keep rotating like you are. I’ve been using these sachets of bamboo charcoal that seem to be keeping the funk at bay. But I’ve had shoes that were just beyond saving.

  23. My SO and I are planning to visit Buenos Aires in December. We’ll have 8-9 days for the trip. Ideally we’d spend 4-5 days in BA and ~4 days elsewhere, doing something non-urban. A combination of any of the following would be cool: hiking, beach, mountains, wildlife watching, relaxation.

    I know that Patagonia is the natural thing to tack on to a BA trip, but is there a specific place within Patagonia that’s a good place to be based? The area is so vast it’s hard for me to hone in on what might make sense. I’ve also read some intriguing things about Uruguay’s coast/countryside – has anyone been? Iguazu Falls also seems like it’s worth considering, but I’m picturing a waterfall overrun with tourists that doesn’t warrant a 4 day trip. Am I wrong? I’d totally consider other ideas too – these were just what came to mind initially.

    We are not SUPER outdoorsy (i.e., multi-day treks have no appeal) – we’d like to be able to be based in one place where we could do some day hikes or snorkeling/water activity and relax among some nice scenery. Being “off the grid” also has no appeal – we both have jobs that require us to have reliable internet access. We’re fine making a flight from BA for whatever we tack on, and we aren’t very price sensitive.

    Ideas? Thanks hive!

    1. Patagonia is way too cold for swimming! I’d go Mendoza- wine country, and Montevido, Uruguay for beaches- you can drive to Mendoza and ferry to Montevido using BA as your base.

      1. Thanks for the reply! I guess i wasn’t super clear – we’d like to EITHER do a water-activity-oriented side trip OR a mountain/hiking oriented one. We realize that Patagonia fits the bill for the latter but not the former. Mendoza is a good suggestion – I’ll look into it further.

    2. Honestly, I don’t think that 4-5 days is really enough for Patagonia and it can be very “off the grid”. Bariloche is a good middle ground in that it isn’t as far away from Bs.As. and is thus more frequently visited. No specific recommendations here, I’d pick something else over Patagonia with that amount of time.
      I’ll second the Mendoza suggestion – that’s what I would pick if I were you, though it isn’t beachy. Mendoza has great vineyards and the Maipu area has a nice bike trail for biking between vineyards (most will transport any wines you buy on the spot to your hotel so you don’t have to trek them back). There is also decent rafting in the area.
      Alternately, Uruguay is a great choice. You can take the ferry across rather than flying, unless you really want to fly. I’d recommend going straight to Montevideo. Some people like Colonia, which is a quaint town, if you are into that, but I thought it was kind of boring. Definitely no more than a day there. You could fill 4-5 days in Montevideo, and the surrounding area also has vineyards, though they aren’t as good as the ones in Mendoza. If you really want beach, I would go to Punta del Este in Uruguay, though it may be kind of crazy in December since that’s the beginning of their big tourist season.
      Lastly, you’re right. Iguazu requires maybe 2 days, and you would get bored with 4-5. Another option would be to increase your time in Bs.As., add on a day trip out to a ranch, another day trip to a beach, and then a short trip to Iguazu. It is worth going for a couple days and really isn’t that crowded (not like you’d expect, especially if you go mid-week).
      Let us know what you decide! I’d be happy to provide more suggestions for any of the above.

      1. Thank you! We are not really into wine, so Bariloche and Montevideo are probably the most appealing options in the list above. We’d also definitely consider spending longer in BA and taking a shorter trip up to Iguazu. So many decisions…

    3. I have not been to Igazu Falls and can’t comment on if it’s worth it, but I believe it straddles the border. To cross onto the Brazilian side, you’d need to pay the Brazilian reciprocity fee, which I think is the same as the one you will pay to go to Argentina. It’s ~$150 per person, which is not a huge amount, but kind of annoying if you are only planning on going there for a few hours. There is no fee for Uruguay.

      1. Note that the fee is for Americans. Canadians pay a smaller fee, other countries will vary.

      2. You can’t see all of Iguazu Falls in a few hours – you just wouldn’t be able to see all of it. It’s an enormous series of falls that covers a lot of area, and you get around by hiking. You can also do a boat trip up into the falls, which is short but super-fun. I spent a day and a half there and that was about right.

        (btw, that was all on the Argentine side, which I’ve heard, almost universally, is better than the Brazilian side)

        OP, I had about the same amount of time, and I spent a few days at a polo estancia outside of BA, did BA stuff, and went to Iguazu.

      3. Loved Iguazu but the 2 days we spent there was enough. You don’t have to cross into Brazil so do not need to pay for a visa.

    4. Late to the party, but I did an Argentina trip and spent 4 days in Patagonia and it was plenty! Stay in El Calafate, then sign up for the Perito Moreno Glacier mini-trek and take the bus to El Chalten for a day and do one of the shorter hikes. You can also do kayaking if you have time.

  24. Really mourning the loss of yet another go-to staple store. 2 years ago (and further back) BR was always my first stop. Good quality for fast fashion. Stylish. Professional. Well-fitting. I LOVED BR. I assume this is the work of the new creative director but you’vegottabekiddingme. Now it’s all weird fits, girly/hip details that look dated already, not professional or sharp, unattractive colors. Bummer.

    2. BR is such a disaster these days. High prices, cheap fabrics ($120 for a poly blouse…no thank you), weird cuts, ruffles EVERYWHERE.

    4. Totally totally agree. The fabric is all garbage now. Anyone have ideas for a replacement option? Especially for talls?

    5. Ugh, I remember when I first started professional life (*gulp 10 years ago) buying my first suits at BR. Three classic, basic cuts with mix and match pieces, nice quality wool – and for a decent price. Now I can’t even remember the last time I shopped there.

    6. Yes, I agree as well! All polyester. So cheap-looking. Very disappointed, but it is off my list as a place for acceptable workwear.

  25. Hive…

    Just found out I’m a few weeks pregnant — this morning. This is a shocker. Definitely not trying to conceive. SO and I don’t officially live together, although we do spend most nights at my house. Our relationship had a turbulent middle, but we have been back on a good foot and super happy for a while now. Been together for 1.5 years. We have discussed marriage and babies, but were planning for 2017. Not right now.

    FWIW, I’m 36 and he’s 39. Neither of us are spring chickens.

    I also just started a new job where I’m currently a consultant until the role becomes FT (read: I’m paying Cobra out of pocket, working just 4 days a week, and taking a $30k pay cut. Also, no maternity leave.) He is pretty stable in his finance/Wall Street job – but still not ideal.

    I have a vacation to Tulum booked with him for Xmas through NYE – already paid. And another trip to Thailand for April with my sister, also paid, which I just booked last week. Now, I realize I will be 7 months by April and likely unable to go to Bangkok. And Tulum also scares me because of Zika.

    I don’t even know if I’m asking for advice — or if I just needed to get that out there. I am a total mess of a human being today.

    1. So, if you’re planning missing these trips already, sounds like you are planning to have a baby? Congratulations!! It is a huge change to your life plan, but you can absolutely handle this.

    2. Maybe I am way off, but I sense an undercurrent of joy and excitement beneath your shock?

    3. Congratulations! This is wonderful news. Certainly I can understand the shock, but once that wears off I hope you’ll feel happy. Sounds like age wise and finance wise you’re in a good place. Is it perfect? No but believe me, it’s very rarely perfect.

    4. When DH and I decided to “pull the goalie” I had baked in a solid year of TTC in my anticipated timeline, so imagine my shock when I became pregnant right away. I had a really hard time coming to terms with being pregnant and wasn’t happy about the reality at all. Frankly, I think a part of me hoped TTC would be a failure and we’d end up being childless.

      So…I dealt with this by not canceling any travel plans and outside of going to doctor’s appointments, I ignored the fact that I was pregnant. I traveled up until the end and really weirded out my coworkers with my disinterest in the pregnancy.

      The Zika concern is a little different in your scenario. Maybe wait and see? Maybe it won’t be a concern by the end of the year? You’ll want to discuss your options with the doctor.

      1. Walnut— Thank you so much for this. You traveled up until the end? Did you travel far?

        I would love to still make it to Thailand — but not sure if it’s possible to even board a flight with a 7 months pregnant belly. Any insights? How did you feel? Were you exhausted? Were you able to enjoy it?

        2. I only traveled domestically the year I was pregnant, but no one batted an eye when I boarded the plane at 7 months. When I told my doctor, she just shrugged and said “have a good time.” Travel is generally ok until your 8th month, but it will depend a lot on how your pregnancy progresses and how healthy you and the baby are. Every pregnancy is different – at 7 months I still had morning sickness, although most women are over that. I don’t remember being that exhausted, or being that uncomfortable yet.

          On a long flight to Thailand, you’ll need to get up regularly and do some squats and stretches in the aisles. And you’ll probably be visiting the bathroom fairly often.

          Definitely skip any areas affected by zika, it can cause problems in any trimester. I think airlines will issue full refunds if you’re pregnant, even without trip insurance. I know they were when the recommendations first came out.

          Congratulations!

        3. I mostly traveled domestically, but flights were still up to three hours each way. I didn’t have any problems and my doctor didn’t bat an eye. I enjoy traveling (even for work) and had a great time everywhere I went. I probably was a bit more tired than usual, but that just meant I booked nicer hotel rooms with better views.

    5. This is a blessing in disguise. Think of the women your age who have spent YEARS trying to get pregnant. And you didn’t even try for it! That’s great. And as you say in your words, you’re no spring chicken. Not to say it’s now or never, but having a kid at 36/37 is already on the later side. Who knows if you would be able to get pregnant again in a few years. Enjoy this time and congratulations.

      1. This is not a helpful response. She shouldn’t have to feel excited about this just because other women would in her place. Don’t make her feel guilty for being shocked.

        1. Not to mention it isn’t necessarily accurate. Sure – in terms of averages, it gets harder after 35. Yet you don’t know her medical history nor her family’s. For all you know she comes from a family where mom and grandma were naturally conceiving at age 45. There are families where that happens and those women tend to not have to worry about the age 35 cut off the same way that the rest of the population does.

    6. Thanks, all. I am still in a state of shock and none of this seems real to me. I am also terrified, sad and happy all at once. I don’t know if this is normal. I’ve broken down into tears 2x already today and have hid in the bathroom at my office to cry it out. I’m not sure I understand what it is going on.

      Thanks for the supportive comments. Much appreciated.

      1. Terrified, sad, and happy: that sounds completely normal. Good luck! You’ll be great.

      2. Probably too late for you to read, but just to reassure you. I wasn’t really into my pregnancy -especially in the beginning. All of your feelings are normal, or at least a lot of us have been there. I got through the first half of it on pure denial. And you know what? My baby is just as sweet, happy and loved as the babies whose mothers framed their positive EPTs. You can absolutely do this.

    7. Hey, congratulations!! Definitely normal to feel a huge range of emotions, even if you were TTC.

      If you decide to stay pregnant, come hang with us on the moms site. Great resource for advice about surviving pregnancy and parenting.

      For now I will recommend “Expecting Better” by Emily Oster, because it’s a great pregnancy book, and will pass on two pieces of advice that were helpful to me when I learned of my pregnancy the same week as being offered a dream job across the country…

      1) Adults don’t make babies, babies make adults. (Obviously no offense meant to childless adults– just a tongue in cheek joke about the terror of the responsibility and the fact that we all manage)

      2) If anxiety about the whole thing rears its head, episodes of Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant always had me standing on the couch with my fist in the air shouting “WE WILL BE GREAT PARENTS” after about ten minutes. There is always someone more prepared than you, and there is always someone less prepared than you. XO

    8. Congratulations! A friend of mine got pregnant when she’d been dating a guy for 2 months, and they made a go of it and seem to be very happy with their 3-year-old son. Another friend got pregnant as she and her partner were looking at houses and planning an engagement, so they just moved up their plans in a hurry, and being at their wedding was one of the most touching things I’ve witnessed, knowing that they were creating a couple and a family. So, this could be great news! It took me a while to get over the initial shock of finding out I was pregnant, event though SO and I were TTC, so I can only imagine how that would be magnified for you. Take some time to let it sink in, share the news with your partner, and go from there.

      Reading your post, the timing actually seems pretty decent. You are in an established relationship, which has withstood some tough times and gotten stronger as a result. If the two of you were planning marriage and children in any event, this will speed up your timeline, but you’re likely to have an easier pregnancy at 36 than at 39. And although you’re in a new job, between to two of you it sounds like you should be able to swing it.

  26. Can anyone explain how the 538 website works? Every time I see polls on MSNBC and the like, it seems like it’s 50-50 between Clinton and Trump – though I know there’s been a post-debate bounce. So how is it that when I look at 538, in their various forecasts, they put her odds of winning at 60%+? I guess my question is – what is 538 showing that is different than what the polls are showing – or how is 538 using poll data? I want to believe 538, but it seems too “optimistic.”

    1. because the polls are national polls- they’re predicting the popular vote. 538’s predictions are about who will win the electoral college- i.e. who will become president.

    2. Most national polls don’t put it at 50-50. Some do, but most have her in the lead. Real Cler Poliics aggregates all polls and they have her up 2.5 points based on the average.

      1. Right but when national polls have her 2.5 ahead and 538 has her 15% ahead in terms of probability of winning I was asking why.

        Honestly I didn’t realize the TV/national polls are popular vote. Why does that even matter?!

        1. 538 isn’t saying she will win by 15% – they are saying that she is more likely to win. Basically, he aggregates polls and looks at the reliability of their data to come up with a sort of “superpoll” result.

          If every accurate/reliable poll has Clinton ahead by 3%, that makes it a lot more likely for her to win – by a slim margin – than if there is only one accurate/reliable poll showing her ahead by 3%. He also looks hard at electoral math and other factors to come up with the chances.

          Its more complicated than that, and I am not a statistician, but its about looking at all the reliable data, NOT looking at the unreliable data, and aggregating things in a meaningful way.

          That’s actually lower, I think, then either of the Obama elections he correctly predicted. 538 has called the media out a couple of times on underestimating Trump’s chances.

    4. Can’t explain how it works, but Nate Silver gained fame / prominence when he correctly predicted outcomes in 49 of 50 states in 2008 and all 50 states in 2012.

      In short – his predictions are likely more reliable that whatever else you’re seeing.

Comments are closed.