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I always like sweaters like this for the weekend — slouchy, easy to wear with leggings or skinny jeans — but with a few interesting details, like the cutouts and the bell sleeves. This one comes in black, gray, white, and “purple dust” for $49.50 at Amazon. Cable Stitch Women's Long-Sleeve Cutout Sweater
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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Sloan Sabbith
This looks very uncomfortable around the neckline.
Horse Crazy
Right?? And I think the slit at the bottom looks like an accident.
Flats Only
And once she moves her leg it’s going to droop down and look sillier.
Torin
Agree.
Alicia
The slit generally attracts men.
Anonymous
Only when it is below the belt.
Ellen
Yay! Open thread’s! I love open thread’s and loose sweater’s but I agree with the OP’s here. I do NOT like to make fashion statement’s like this b/c peeople think I am to avant garde when I dress with these type of things. I like a loose floppy sweater with plenty of room underneathe, and jeggings for the weekend. I am goieng to a party tomorrow night on the West Side with Myrna and hope to meet an investement banker interested in dateing and MARRYING me. I hope I don’t come up empty again, b/c I am sick of guys telling me I am the one, onley to dump me after they have s-x with me a coupel of times. FOOEY! Where are the men that think of me for my MIND, not my body? In NYC they are very rare. DOUBEL FOOEY!
Pompom
I would *absolutely* get tangled in this like a mummy trying to put it on.
Never too many shoes...
I would *absolutely* get tangled in this like a mummy trying to put it on.
Anon
I love it too and think it looks super comfy. I’m nursing so I’m not really buying sweaters that aren’t cardigans at the moment but I would totally buy it otherwise.
Senior Attorney
Too bad the slit up top isn’t a little lower! ;)
Ms B
I checked the sizing and it runs small – the XL only accommodates a 40 inch bust. I can only imagine how long the sleeves will be in that size, so this is clearly is for the tall . . .
Curious Georgia
I’ve been wanting to ask this question here for a very long time. Please bear with me and know that if I come across as insensitive or stupid, it’s unintentional and driven by keen curiosity.
There was a thread topic about two months ago on how does one decide if one wants kids. There were several detailed and candid replies, but none which answered my burning question on why do overachieving, ambitious women want kids. Is it an innate desire, a natural next step in a loving relationship to build a family, or a logical decision to ensure that family is around to take care in your old age? If it is any of those, or any other reason I did not think about, how do you weigh it against what you want from your career and standard of living? Especially as so many women end up leaning out or working part-time or losing out with lower salaries because they were perceived as being uncommitted despite giving it their all at the workplace.
As you can tell, I have absolutely no desire to have kids but am keen to be sensitive to all parents, prospective and expecting so I would like to be schooled (gently) into expanding my understanding.
Do let me know if my question is redundant- I’ll rephrase so that it isn’t so. Thanks all!
Anonymous
I am an equity partner at a mid-sized law firm. Made partner after my first; equity after my second. I definitely did not have kids to “take care of me” in old age (no one is promised old age, much less care during it!). I did have children though because I thought there was more to life than my job. Yes, I selfishly and delusionally thought I could “have it all” and in some ways I have. I do love that I come home to little people who have so much job and interest in the world around them. I love watching them laugh and dance and make up stories. I love what I do and think I’m a tough SOB in the workplace, but I love having another side to me, too. You don’t need to have kids to have that certainly, but that’s how I chose to do it.
Side Note
You’re living my dream! I am a newbie associate at mid-sized law firm.
anon
I was on the fence about kids for a long time. I didn’t hear my biological clock, and the prospect of who’s around in my old age didn’t matter. If anything, after having lost a parent at a young age, I was afraid of inflicting that on a kid. (Still am.)
The tipping point for me was seeing my husband around our friends’ children, and realizing that I wanted to see him have a chance to be a father. (He was also on the fence, not pushing me.) The relationship he has with our little girl is so much more than I ever expected it to be, for him and for me.
We both have stable government jobs, so kids aren’t as career-limiting as in other industries, but it has crystallized that we will probably never take jobs that require 60 hours a week or constant travel. The biggest hit has been to our free time, which was bigger than I expected, but I don’t regret our decision at all.
anon
You make it sound like the only reason you don’t want kids is because it would lower your standard of living/earning potential. I don’t think that was your intention.
anon
dangit, posted before I could expound. Not everyone is driven by money. And some people want more from life than a career, as 3:12 pm mentions.
It is such a personal decision, one way or another and I appreciate that women on this blog aren’t judgy about it one way or another. If you don’t want kids, that’s totally fine. I think the best way you can be sensitive to your friends who have them is to not mention how great your life is without them. They probably already know, some might even be envious, but most are probably secure in their decision.
Curious Georgia
I didn’t see this before I responded further below to you. But your insight really helps- thanks for being candid :)
Curious Georgia
Oh no! I’m sorry it came across that way (and indeed I was afraid of that!); I was trying to understand the tradeoff of the desire to have kids versus the increasing costs (real estate, college, property taxes of a better school district, childcare, reduced income if either parent goes part-time, et al), especially as these costs are much more daunting than they were until, say, the 1980s. Am I making sense?
ELS
These fears are part of the reason I decided against kids, TBH. I was afraid I would not be able to provide the kind of life for them that I would want to, given those rising costs (and my own student loan debt).
I’m certainly grateful for people who make the opposite decision — without one such woman, I wouldn’t have my niece, who I love more than anything I could ever imagine.
I get why people do it — and had I heard my biological clock, or had a partner who was more than super apathetic about the idea, I would have been one of them.
Anon for this
I’m in the trying and failing to get pregnant stage. My reason for changing my mind and wanting kids is two fold. One, all my friends have them. That sounds like a crazy reason, but I miss my tribe. My relationships aren’t the same. We would have so much fun hanging out with all of our kids. Going to “parties” at their house with everyone’s kids isn’t the same when we don’t have them. We are literally the only married people we know without kids. Seeing my friends with kids made me realize, hey, I can do this. They still manage to have good marriages (as far as I can tell), good careers (as far as I can tell) and most got their pre-baby body back. All things I was afraid of killing with a baby. They showed me that my reasons to not have them weren’t actual road blocks.
Second, kids now sound fun. I want something to do in the evenings. I want to go watch little league games. I, without kids, want to do tons of stuff that is geared to kids. I feel like a creep going to these things without kids. A kid would have so much fun with me as their parent.
I’d be 100% open to adoption if it weren’t so complicated and if 80% of the kids available didn’t have profound disabilities.
Anon for this
To be clear, I read your question as “how would I benefit from having kids.” I answered with my selfish reasons for having kids. I also want to help shape and grow a human with my husband and all the other “usual” reasons for having kids.
Curious Georgia
Thank you so much for your detailed answer, I had never thought about that way when you talk of wanting to re-join the tribe (my interpretation, please correct me if I’m wrong). And it’s not selfish at all, please don’t put yourself down that way!
anonymous
This is one of the things that makes me feel conflicted. I think my husband would be a great father, but I really disliked everything geared towards kids and families when I was a kid, and having to go through it all again sounds like a nightmare to me. But I also wouldn’t want my kids to miss out on something that they might enjoy just because I’m an outlier?
Anon
What type of stuff are you referring to? Some of the things I’d like to do more of and it’s weird to do without kids include: visiting the “touch a truck” section at a fair and sitting in a fire truck or plow, going to a zoo/petting zoo, going to the local police department’s “meet the police dogs” event, going to a local giant obstacle course geared towards kids, playing on a playground, going trick or treating, doing arts and crafts.
anonymous
I was thinking more of school, church, summer camp, sports, and forced/organized “fun.” The things you listed do sound fun, but I guess I’m hipster/millennial enough that I do a lot of them without kids anyway. Maybe it’s just hard to think of having kids without really having found my people in my life!
Ms B
PSA: Adoption is not that complicated (and definitely not any more so than IVF) and special needs children are only a fraction of the available situations — but the caveat is that you may have to be patient and open to transracial situations to make it happen, particularly if you want to do an infant adoption.
My BFF guided me through the process after her successful domestic infant adoption; The Hubs and I paid it forward helping our business partners and now others. The Kid goes to school with no fewer than four other children who have the same or similar family stories as him, plus a large number of children who joined their families via cisracial adoption (which is way more prevalent than you know, simply because it is not easily visible).
If you want to communicate directly, I am happy to set up an email to exchange info.
Anon
Thanks. I’m not there yet but I’ll reach out in the future if we start going down that road.
Anonymous
Georgia, can I piggyback on your question – I’m wondering why anyone wants bio kids specifically. If you enjoy children and guiding young lives, why not adopt?
Anon Lawyer
Because there aren’t actually tons of infants available for adoption and most people want to raise children from the start of their lives.
Curious Georgia
This is a great question – I’m glad you asked this! You don’t need to ask to piggyback :)
Anon
This might not be PC to say, but I’d be terrified of the bio parents trying to reclaim the kid. I don’t think I could survive something like that. I’m aware that tragedy can strike any family but the bio parents trying to reclaim the child is a risk that doesn’t exist for bio kids. The costs associated with adoption are another factor. If you have good health insurance and can get pregnant without assistance, bio kids are a lot cheaper.
Fwiw, I was terrified of pregnancy and childbirth so wanting to experience pregnancy wasn’t a reason for me choosing to have a bio kid (although I think it is for a lot of people) but I ended up really enjoying pregnancy and having a very easy labor and delivery and in hindsight am very glad I got to go through it. I felt so bonded to the baby from the beginning and I loved having nine months of kicks and hiccups and ultrasounds to get to know her a little bit. When she was put in my arms in the delivery room I really felt like I was finally holding someone I’d known forever. I’m not trying to knock adoptive parents at all, my husband didn’t really bond with the baby until she was here (which I think is pretty typical of men) but that was an added bonus of having a bio kid for me.
Clementine
Adoption is much more complicated than ‘I like kids. I adopt a kid. Everyone is happy.’ Adoption is a process where there is no easy route – it’s filled with trauma and difficult ethical decisions. Do you go via private adoption? How do I know I’m not buying a baby? Would this baby be better off with people who were more connected to its culture? How do I reconcile the fact that this child’s experience will always be tied to the trauma of losing one family?
There is also something really cool about meeting a little human who looks like you and your partner and emulates them. I’ll also add (from my foster parent perspective) that parenting a non-traumatized child who is with their birth parents, has no history of neglect, and was not exposed to any substances or chronic stress in the womb is literally probably 90% less work than parenting a kid with all these things (e.g., most foster kids).
(Note: I’m 100% for adoption. I just am sort of providing you the other side of the very complicated coin.)
mascot
There’s something pretty cool about being able to say we made this and having some idea of how this person is going to turn out. Also, my husband is adopted and had some very intense emotions about wanting his kid to know where they came from and whose eyes/smile/quirky trait they had.
Anonymous
Adoption is not like popping to the store to pick up the kid. It’s a long, complicated, EXPENSIVE process. It involves loss and trauma. It can take years and years. It can come with a lot of risks. And you can still end up without a kid, after all of that.
Anonymous
I’m the anon that asked about bio kids.
I ask because my coworker and his wife signed up with an agency, and within a couple of weeks they were asked if they wanted a baby that was being born out of state. I realize this is the outlier though. And it was white, not special needs, etc.
Anon
That is DEFINITELY not the norm. I know a couple who have been trying to adopt for four years and they are open to all races, special needs, etc.
Anon
Not the norm. Adoption can be a rough road. Even if you get picked, it’s not uncommon for the birth parents to change their mind once the baby is actually born, which is emotionally draining.
You also have no control over prenatal care, nutrition, even drug use.
Adoption is a wonderful thing, but it’s a completely different path than having a genetic child. One is not a “substitute” for the other.
Anonymous
I think this can depend on the type of agency you use. Particularly agencies with consultants who have a specific religious bent can often get things done quicker. But you’ll certainly pay for that privilege. And likely need to be ok praying (out loud and a lot) with all sorts of people all through the process.
Ms B
Second generation to complete family via infant adoption (as in, on discharge from the hospital) here. There are a lot of myths and misconceptions surrounding adoption, but I know literally hundreds of families that successfully went through the process.
There absolutely are risks, but there are risks to pregnancy and birth as well. Our adoption cost about the same as uninsured IVF for most people — and my agency had a guarantee so that when we had an initial disruption all of our money other than our travel expenses was refunded. And yeah, sometimes kids who join families via adoption have issues — but I know plenty of families with biokids who have their own issues.
I am always happy to dialogue on this. I firmly believe that if more people knew how the adoption process actually works and truly saw what it looks like in both process and the families it creates, then more people would make the choice. And there are lots of children out there than need families as much as those families need them.
Anon
Ms. B – I initially said I wasn’t there yet. Post an anon email and I will reach out for more info. Can’t hurt to get info!
Kids are messy...
I just felt an urge for bio kids. I don’t know how else to put it. I wanted them, in some deep, visceral way. We’ve talked about adopting another and I hate to say it this way, but there are some life situations that are very welcoming to bio kids and less welcoming to adopted kids. If you can’t provide a good life, I think it’s better not to adopt.
Montreal bagel
I agree with you. In my 20’s I was not sure if I wanted kid: I was focus on my career and my life. At 32, soon after my best friend had her first kid, I felt something within me that wanted to have kids. It was like a primitive urge. I just knew I wanted to have kids.
3 years later my boyfriend and I were somewhat ready to start a family (can you ever be fully ready???) : we try to have our own kids because it is the easiest option and it worked. At 36, I gave birth to twin girls.
If I could not have gotten pregnant, I would certainly have tried to adopt but we did not need to go that route.
Having children is a sacrifice: they are now the focus of your life but it bring you so many joy. My friends and I always say: having children is a sacrifice we have the privilege of having.
Anon
In addition to what everyone else has said, I would prefer for my kids to inherit my genes and my husband’s genes. I think we’re pretty good people. I would also want to conduct pregnancy in a certain way (as much as health allows); working in maternal and child health (as I do) helps you really see the importance of that.
Anon
I was very pro-adoption in my early hopeful years. It was (in big part) motivated by the fear of losing my body to pregnancy and all the bodily pains I associate with the actual delivery. I now want biokids for a variety of reasons:
1) My husband feels strongly about passing on his genes
2) I want a little person that looks like a mixture of us and have fun figuring out what traits he/she got from our families
3) When I was trying to decide if my bf’s “I want bio kids” wishes were a deal breaker I did a tremendous amount of research on adoption. I read about many issues that come with traumatized children who went through horrible experiences at a young age. One particularly scary one was of a mother whose child would bang their head on the wall to the point of injury. I also read about how the process is incredibly long, expensive, grueling, and emotionally challenging.
4) I was involved in research on the environmental factors that lead to reproductive and developmental health issues. This lead to a selfish decision to bear a child as there would be a lower risk of developmental issues because I could provide a safe and healthy home from conception.
I have not completely ruled out adoption and maybe something I revisit after the first child is born and I know a bit more about what life as a mom is all about.
Hope this helps
Side Note
I was not aware of how tough adoption can be until I met a friend with several adopted children and all have RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Her stories terrified me. It’s been so difficult for her and her family and her eldest is now estranged. I would not want to go through that (RAD is something you can prevent if you are in a good place, have a bio kid, and raise it normally without serious trauma).
Anonymous
Because:
– Adoption is incredibly time-consuming and expensive
– Unless you want to adopt older children with multiple documented psychological and/or health problems, there is a long wait for an adoptable child. Also, they try to keep siblings together now and so sometimes you’re looking at adopting three or four kids at once – my boss ended up doing this, he has four adopted children, all one year apart (6,7,8,9)
– You have to open up your entire life – including your health history and your finances – to the scrutiny of strangers who process your adoption application
– It is extremely common for a mother to explore placing her child and then change her mind at the last minute (it’s happened to three couples we know), and that is heartbreaking
– In situations where the placing mother chooses the adoptive family for their child, it can be very difficult to get chosen if you are not the picture-perfect white-picket-fence family
We explored adoption when it looked like fertility treatment wasn’t going to work and I was surprised at the barriers. In our area, if you adopt you end up with a sibling group of three or four children and the youngest one is usually no younger than 6, because it takes so long for the state to terminate parental rights even in the most extreme abuse/neglect cases. And so you can figure out what that means for the kids’ psychological health. I am also in an area where the Indian Child Welfare Act (IWCA) gets invoked in many adoptions, meaning the child has Native American blood and the tribe their parent is connected to (not “is a member of” – just connected to) can block an adoption to a non-Native American family.
Adoption’s a wonderful thing, but if anyone out there has ideas about adopting a healthy infant of any color or background, please do your research. In our area, only about one in every 25 adoptions involved a child under 3. Most families who want a child under 3 end up adopting overseas, which is getting tougher and tougher as more countries cut off international adoption in an attempt to prevent child trafficking.
Anon
Because I want a kid that is part me and part my fiance. (We will try when we get married.) I want his smile, his eyes, and his heart and mind in a little kid.
And there are over 30 couples looking to adopt for every adoptable infant out there. The vast majority of kids looking for homes are kids, not babies, and the foster system complicates adoption.
But I would rather adopt than use a sp-rm donor – because at that point, you’re basically adopting but not giving an already-existing kid a good home.
Anon
I’m a mom of teenagers and have many mom friends who adopted infant or young kids who are also teenagers now.
I couldn’t do it, personally. I think they’re saints for doing it and most of them were doing it because they felt a call to help children needing homes.
These are my friends’ experiences
– one birth mother changed her mind after my friends financed her entire pregnancy (and it seemed that was her intention all along) AND the prospective adoptive mom quit her job in anticipation of having an infant
– one birth mother changed her mind after the adoptive family had the baby for more than two weeks
– one teen adopted as an infant has profound fetal alcohol syndrome, which didn’t become evident until he was elementary school age & this kid will never be financially independent
– one teen adopted as a child out of the foster care system turned out to have been s3xually abused, which only came out when he hit puberty and molested a neighbor’s child. He has now been in juvenile hall and, as an 18 year old, jail
I admire my friends but I could not do this.
Anonymous
Yes, exactly. There is so much that happens during pregnancy and the first three years of a child’s life that shapes who they are, who they will be, and what they will be able to do, permanently. Once I read up on prenatal fetal trauma, early childhood development, and that critical birth-to-three period, I knew we would not be adopting. If fertility treatment hadn’t worked we would have chosen to be child-free. I can’t control much in this world but I knew that by having a biological child I could at least control the environmental and emotional factors that influence healthy brain development in a fetus, infant and child. In a sense, whenever you have the child you are rolling the dice – my son was born with a birth defect that was correctable, but has had lingering effects on him. But we knew things like FAS, fetal drug dependencies, and abuse in the first three years of life, we would not be dealing with. People who say “just adopt, there are plenty of kids out there who need good homes” have no idea the scope of the problems some of these “adoptable” kids face. Or the emotional, financial, and time resources involved in helping those kids lead a normal life – which some of them never will.
Adoptive Parent
Wow. Coming to this late, but – as an adoptive parent – much of this is upsetting. For those of you citing expense, IVF is also really expensive. My husband also wanted a bio child for many of the reasons cited above, but you know what – he agreed with me to pursue adoption rather than IVF and loves our son more than anything and now fully realizes how ridiculous that preference was. How much time, really, is spent looking at a child and deciding where various traits came from? And you know what – you can still do this with an adoptive child to because you RAISE them, my son has so many of my weird little mannerisms because I’m his mom. Yes, because we transracially adopted it has changed our life in so, so many ways (for example, we moved to a black neighborhood for our son), but the things we do for him have also forced us to step outside of our comfort zone and enriched our life and I’m so thankful for all of it. Our son had some really rough experiences early in life – things I can’t imagine – but he’s smart and funny and thoughtful and is truly the best person I know. I’m fully aware of the range of issues adoptive kids can face, I know tons of adoptive families and not one regrets their decision to adopt. I also know that many of the issues cited above are very minor if dealt with by involved parents – exposure to drugs in utero really isn’t that big of a deal long-term, if you look at the studies. It just comes off like so many people here are looking for perfect, designer kids.
Anon
I don’t know that I qualify as “overachieving and ambitious” since I’m not in a high-powered profession, I pretty much work 9-5 and I don’t make a ton of money. But I am well-educated, I like my career and would never want to be a stay at home mom. There were several reasons I really wanted a child, in decreasing order of importance: a) I’ve never thought of myself as a big baby person but I do like kids and I wanted the experience of raising a child. I have so many fond memories of childhood – devouring favorite books, fun experiences like Space Camp, family vacations, etc. – and I wanted to re-live those sorts of things with my own child (obviously I’m aware she might not like the same exact things but I will get to discover new things that my kiddo likes). b) I knew my husband would be an amazing father and I wanted to give him the opportunity to be a parent and see him with our child and c) I’m an only child and I really wanted to make my parents grandparents.
One kid was the right balance for our family for a variety of reasons, including that I think I’d probably want to lean out quite a bit more if I had two and I like my job a lot and don’t want to lean out.
Clementine
I imagined my life without children and with children and picked the one I wanted. Without children I saw a very happy life for my husband and I, but I preferred the scenario with kids.
Now we have one child and are foster parents for other children. I find a lot of joy in being around kids and seeing them grow and learn and change. I maintain my fulfilling career, but it’s an adventure that I’m really thrilled to be having.
One surprising side effect of having kids is that I’m much better able to deal with stress at work. I feel like I have a different perspective and remember that my life isn’t just my job – it’s my friends and my dog and my husband and my hobbies and my kid too!
Callie
Do you mind sharing more details about being a working foster mama? Fostering is something I’ve thought a lot about doing (albeit I currently have a 1 and 2 year old so probably in a few years). But I’ve been told that (and been under the impression) that you basically need to have a stay at home parent to do it. Has that been your experience?
Pretty Primadonna
For me, the answer is that I am ambitious and overacehieving in most aspects of my life, including my personal life. So, that includes a husband and kids.
Anonymous
Yikes. Plenty of single, childfree women are ambitious and overachieving in their personal lives.
Anon
I don’t think that’s what she meant….
DINK
I’m in an ambitious career and slid into my 40’s married but with no kids. I had no firm rules about children when I got married or graduated law school. I leaned towards probably not but thought that it could turn to yes if the desire struck me and then waited for that desire to strike. It only did once a few months after I got married. I had been with my husband for several years before we finally decided to make it official. After marrying nothing seemed different, so I asked him if that meant we should have kids, so that the act of marrying had some kind of purpose or change to it. That’s when he clearly said he was adamantly against kids, something he had not been so clear about before. He thought he was too old and his dad died when he was young, something he didn’t want to repeat. I cried. We didn’t revisit the issue, but I’ve come to realize several years later that I’m glad we never had kids. Life together has been just so much work and so exhausting without kids, I’m not sure I would have been able to manage with kids.
Anonymous
This has been answered in detail many many times. I can only assume you don’t listen.
I want children desperately with every fiber of my being. It’s fundamentally who I am as a person. My work supports my life not the other way around.
Curious Georgia
I’ve searched Corporette threads, including the January 2018 one, and yes there were several answers from those who were on the fence about how they ultimately decided to go for it. The question I had unanswered (till now) was more specific to those who DID want kids and knew it – I wanted to know why so. It’s a difficult question to ask and answer (and you did provide a helpful answer when you said it was deeply fundamental to you), so thank you for your understanding!
AIMS
I think it’s a valid question. It’s not why do you want kids, it’s why do you as someone presumably really into your career want kids despite all the trade offs that requires. I’ve been reading this s#te a long time and I think this is a somewhat different iteration even if the general subject has been discussed. Also lots things gets discussed over and over around here (where to eat, what to eat, black and navy, you name it).
I don’t know that I’m ambitious enough to answer OP’s question but I guess I just don’t believe it has to be an either/or proposition. I think I can have both. Maybe to a lesser degree in each case but I still prefer both.
cbackson
I agree – I don’t recall this specific question being asked; most of the questions about this seem to come from a place of assuming wanting kids is the norm. I think it’s interesting, and a useful challenge to my thinking, to see an honest question like this from someone who doesn’t have that inherent desire and only sees the downsides (and thus wants to understand what makes those downsides go away for many people).
Betty
I would consider myself one of the “overachieving, ambitious women,” and I was on the fence about having children in my early and mid-twenties. I knew — and published on — the effect of having children on a woman’s income and career. Still, there was a bit of disbelief that it would happen to me (even when it was happening as my oldest was a year old).
As for why, I do not think there is a single answer. It was not to have someone to care for me in my old age. A large part of it, for me, was my own family. My mother was also a hard-charging career woman. She was incredibly successful, while raising my sister and I on her own. I saw that it could be done. I saw that she loved her career, and heard her tell my sister and I over and over again that she loved watching my sister and I grow up. She loved being there for us, sharing the world with us, and I wanted that experience too. It is not an either/or decision for me.
As someone who struggled with fertility and received the “why not adopt comment:” Adoption is not easy. It is expensive. It is not possible nor is it right for some families.
Never too many shoes...
I think your question is perfectly reasonable and understandable.
Obviously, I can only speak for myself. As background, I am a married litigator with one child. I always thought I wanted a child in a kind of academic sense (like I pictured the future with one) but it was not an overwhelming desire until I was about 35. Suddenly, I saw my husband and how much he loved playing with our friends’ children and I suddenly, desperately, wanted us to have a child of our own. Like right then. It was quite unsettling for a person like me who is quite rational and practical, but that desire was real and overwhelming. We knew that having a child would not impact our standard of living to any serious degree
But I have leaned in and not out since having a baby. I was off for five months, when most women here take the full year (even lawyers), and then came back hard. It does not have to be one or the other.
Anonymous
I love my job and fit the classic “ambitious, over achiever stereotype.” I want kids for reasons that are sort of hard to describe. My family and friends are my priority outside of work. I like being part of an inter generational community (i.e., I’m close with my grandparents and aunts, love hanging out with my friends’ kids) and like the idea of raising kids in one. When I picture my future, it’s my siblings and my husbands siblings and my friends, all with kids, all doing things with our kids and our cousins and parents.
I don’t view having kids as an impediment to my lifestyle. I do think my husband and I will make different lifestyle choices than our friends to maintain the lifestyle we want – living in a smaller and cheaper place, living close to or in our main city instead of the suburbs. We’ll make trade offs aimed at maximizing free time (minimal commute, lots of household help) and maximizing the amount of money available for travel, the aforementioned household help/childcare, and savings.
I also just…don’t view kids as a barrier to my career. And I’m in a male dominated industry. I’m not naive about it but ultimately, taking maternity leave and caring for an infant is a blip in a decades long career. To the extent its in my control, I’ve tried to be strategic about the timing of having kids. I’ll have been at my job for 7+ years by the time I have kids. People here know me, they know my work, and if I have kids, they’ll know what my work will look like when I come back.
Anonymous
I realized I should rephrase something. I absolutely acknowledge the biases that people have against working moms and all the issues women face at work (i.e., lower earnings, less opportunity. I expect to encounter them (but like to hope I will not). I basically plan on doing my best and not letting it get to me. Having kids does not have to mean your career is over – a few challenging years is insignificant over the course of a long career.
Senior Attorney
Um, I’ve had a long career and there were more than a few challenging years. It’s pretty darned challenging as long as your kids are at home. Don’t kid yourself. The infant/toddler years are their own special kind of super crazy but things don’t go back to pre-kids normal until they are out of the house.
Ellen
I defineately want k’ids, as I am over 36 and my clock is ticking hard. I am already a partner, so that is not an issue, but want to do more then work all day to make money. I want to work part time, mabye from home and mabye in the office, then stop when my kids are going to school so I can be there when they come home. My dad is pushing me to find a guy quickley b/c he knows my e’ggs are getting stale and I do NOT want IVF or freezeing my e’ggs b/c they loose them or unfreeze them when they should NOT. I have been workeing now for more then 10 years, so enough is enough! Time to hang it up to be a SAHM! YAY!
For me
It’s an innate desire that I’ve always had. I love being around children — I babysat, I was a camp counselor, I’ve always volunteered in child-related ways (tutoring, child advocacy, etc.) — and I want to be a mom more than I want anything else on this earth. I’m 34 and single, and I recently froze my eggs (an incredibly expensive, physically-intense process!) because that’s how bad I want children. If I don’t meet a life partner in the next few years, I will seriously consider becoming a mom on my own.
You say that you don’t understand how people would pick kids over career/financial security/etc., but to me, I want kids the way I want to eat and sleep and breathe. No amount of career success is more important than that to me. From the outside I probably appear super ambitious — HYP schools, fed clerkship, BigLaw attorney, etc. — but I plan to lean way out when I have children (to the extent I’m financially able to do so), and my striving until this point has been in large part to set myself up financially to have a more flexible career later on when I have a family. Sometimes I don’t understand people who are ambivalent and choose to have a family — it’s so expensive, stressful, and intense, and life without kids seems a lot easier in a lot of ways — but for me, at least, it really isn’t a choice, it’s a need.
Curious Georgia
Thank you so much for your replies – they’ve been eye opening! It is an impossible question to ask nowadays to my peers, even if they do not have kids or are not in a relationship or have not mentioned wanting kids. I’m very grateful for the Hive.
I admit much of my curiosity is recent and comes from several of my friends and colleagues from my age group giving up or scaling back their extremely promising career trajectories (mostly in scientific research or medicine, though, so it’s a narrow sample) that they had so carefully planned from high school through college and grad school. Hence my wanting to understand better and not say something stupid or insensitive when talking to them about their plans.
Anonymous
Another point is that teens are often sold this bill of goods about their future careers and how great and inspiring and meaningful they’ll all be, when in reality for most people working kind of stinks. They’re encouraged to plan out careers that they know nothing about yet, so who even knows if they’ll like working those jobs? There’s more to life than work – I could definitely scale up my career, but I have no desire to. It’s also always different looking in from the outside, my career seems much more interesting than it actually is.
Gail the Goldfish
I think this is definitely true, not even just on the question of kids or not, but on the question of why some people step back from certain career trajectories in general.
Anonymous
Yes, I was going to say this. For some people, going to school and then starting and maintaining a career is exactly as rewarding as they thought it was going to be. For other people, the accomplishments start to seem hollow, the hamster wheel of daily work gets exhausting, and climbing up another rung on the ladder doesn’t hold the same allure as it did early on. I know several really smart women for whom work is nowhere near their greatest source of fulfillment in life. Not all of those women have children, but they all have something else in their life that they live for outside of their career. I am lucky – I had a career, I leaned way out when my son was little, I went back to school and then went back to work, and now have landed in my dream job, exactly where I want to be. And where I am at looks pretty darn good to me and I don’t know if I’ll be doing any more ladder-climbing, because that’s really not what I want my life to be about. My son will eventually grow up and leave, but I think I’ve figured out that *for me*, I work to live, I don’t live to work. Other people are different.
Anon
How old were you when you went back to school?
Susan
Hi Curious Georgia–Clearly, you are giving this a lot of thought, and it is important to you to understand why people have children when what is most obvious to a non-parent are the drawbacks and losses. Some people have a burning and clear desire to have children, and others have to make a conscious choice and hope it was the correct choice for them. I am 63, have two sons, and most of my friends have children. I was a high achieving young woman who did not make a lot of money. (higher ed) who leaned out (high earning husband) and was deeply upset that I worked less than he and achieved less than I might have. But now, at 63, it doesn’t bother me anymore.
My observations: As people get older and more life challenges hit them, achievement orientation mellows, and the importance of relationships, family, and community are more important. The arc of life becomes more clear: a beginning, a middle, and an end. Participating fully in that arc and launching the next generation is deeply rewarding. Also, the couples who I have known for three decades or more have said to me that “now they see what they missed out on” as they interact with nieces, nephews, and neighbors who were once small and noisy and are now in medical school, law school, Americorps, etc. As these young careers lift off, it is rewarding to imagine the contributions these young adults will make to society. Of course, nieces and nephews are deeply rewarding as well to those who do not have their own children.
It is interesting to google “regrets of the dying” and have a read. The most common regret is wishing one had spent more time with loved ones and less time at work. Work is very meaningful in adulthood, but less meaningful in the last decade or two of life.
As far as what to say to your friends who are scaling back: be supportive of their choice to putting more into rearing the next generation who will hopefully keep humanity on track and away from destroying ourselves. As we hand over stewardship of the world and our society to the younger adults, we need all the well raised, talented, well adjusted people we can find.
Your deep curiosity makes me wonder if you are thinking subconsciously “what I am missing out on as I don’t see the positives???” as you watch your friends put time into their families. Think about how life changed in puberty–you gained s3xual drive–that urge, the importance of s3x. Having children brings out a fierce drive to nurture, to protect, and to invest in a little person that is hard to imagine without falling in love with a baby. Like puberty, it is a whole new world.
This is so long! But I hope it has been useful to you somehow. As one of the older women on this forum, I like to offer thoughts from my decades of life experience.
Anonymous
Thanks for posting this, and I love these discussions (and greatly appreciated the one a few months ago that you’re referring to). As an ‘on-the-fence’ about kids woman, with a fiance who definitely wants kids, I really appreciate hearing the perspectives of everyone on the other side.
Anon
I just really enjoy kids, I think they are fun and insightful and I like to see the way they perceive the world. I want a family, and when I’m older I want in-law children and grandchildren and the whole package. It’s hard to explain – I just have always wanted kids.
Jennifer
I have two and one more on the way. My kids get me. They are little mini-mes of me and DH, so clearly they are my favorite people in the world. My 5 y/o is my child first and foremost, but she’s also my buddy on the weekends. She gardens with me, shops with me, cooks with DH, etc.
We aren’t “the world revolves around our kids” people who spend all weekend doing Kid Activities; rather, we do family things as a 4-pack.
I often prefer hanging out with my family (kids and DH) over my adult friends.
Anonymous
When I was younger, I really REALLY wanted kids. Like, I thought I was put on this earth to be a mother. I wanted a baby with every part of my being, it was a huge motivating factor in my life.
Now I’m 34 and probably don’t want kids. It started changing for me around 30. I was working (biglaw) and saw some of the BS that moms put up with – and not just my biglaw friends, my 9-to-5 job friends too. In a lot of ways they have it worse imho but that’s a whole ‘nother essay. I saw women’s careers suffer because of motherhood even as their husbands’ careers took off; her career is always on the back burner because DH is 5 years older and therefore more established and it never seems to make sense for him to sacrifice when he’s making more/has a more critical role/is up for a promotion any day now. I’ve seen a lot of friends’ marriages dissolve because supposedly woke men can’t get on board with being equal parents even if they do ok at being equal partners otherwise. I’ve seen the judgment from other women about what you should or shouldn’t do when you’re PG, or post partum, or going back to work… it’s like every detail of your life is under a microscope help up to impossible expectations.
At the same time I had a series of relationships with very nice men who turned out to be manchildren in various ways. Even well-intentioned men are so blind to women’s and mom’s issues. I’m already tired of training men about feminism, I don’t want to train a man about mom-ism (for lack of a better word), and no, just because your dad, or your friends friends who are dads, do xyz doesn’t make it ok.
I’m just so tired of the BS. Nothing about being a female parent looks appealing to me – the way moms are treated at work, socially, and by their male coparents is horrifying to me. So I’m out.
Childfree
I’m 44 years old, a partner in a large law firm, have seen lots of friends and colleagues have children, and I could not agree more with your second paragraph. Even if you have the best spouse in the world, nothing changes the fact that women bear the brunt (physically, professionally, emotionally, and mentally) of having children. AND IT IS HARD. For some, having children is still worth it. Which is great! Seriously! I pay my taxes, pay levies for public schools, and support better parental leave policies and all the good stuff. But having children is not for me, and nothing about the way it actually goes down for mothers makes me want to have children.
anon
I really, really, really wanted kids. I don’t have good reasons why or why not. For me, I just knew that I wanted kids and I had to have them. When, how many, spacing were all things DH and I discussed rationally, but in my mind, there wasn’t really a question about whether we were going to have them. I was lucky in that we both agreed to that, and didn’t have difficulty conceiving.
I am now an equity partner (I had my kids while I was an associate), and I don’t regret anything. My kids are my world.
Housecounsel
Through college and probably into law school, I said I didn’t want kids. Somewhere around 30, however, and around the time I met my husband, I’d say a biological urge kicked in, as well as a desire for a calm suburban family life like the one in which I was raised. I truly believed I could have it all, at the same time. I was a partner in a litigation firm, and then took an in-house job I thought would be less stressful but wasn’t at all. I made partner between #1 and #2, took the in-house job when #3 was born. A few years of travel and 24-hour availability and crushing guilt later, I made the decision – easily – to scale way back, and now have a less prestigious/lucrative, but super interesting and fulfilling job that I love. I will admit to a pang of jealousy sometimes when I see female trial lawyers, but I regret nothing. I lived the single city life and tried cases and got to do the things I wanted to do. Now I truly want to work a reasonable job with reasonable stress and time commitments, and I want to hang out with my not-little kids. I don’t want any other life than this one with my family.
Anon
For me, the desire to have kids was about the love. I knew the love I would have for my kids would bring me great joy, and it has. I intentionally chose a lower key government path as an attorney so that I would have more time to be a parent. I do find myself fantasizing about a more high powered, stimulating career from time to time, but I know I would have regretted not having children, and I also know I would have regretted not being as available to my children if I had a more intense job. Trade-offs. Maybe when they’re older I can transition into something more high powered.
Anon
Because I and my husband will statistically have a better shot at creating a productive member of society who maybe just maybe could make this world a better place. Let’s stop pretending that those who are reproducing the most have the resources to create humans that will do anything to help this planet. If it happens, it’s a statistical anomaly.
Anon
I’m not even sure what this means but I doubt your kids will turn out as well as you think given your attitude…
Anon
I know, right?
Anon
Like one of the posters above, I just fundamentally wanted kids. I am wired to be a mom. I am also wired to be ambitious and a boss (ENTJ) so I am both. This 100% depends on having a fully equal, egalitarian relationship where, if someone needs to step back a bit career-wise, it could be either parent, not just Mom. So it has happened twice now in my household that my husband has had to take the lead role parenting – for a while he was a SAHD until our two were old enough for preschool, and more recently when my job morphed into a travel heavy gig for a few years.
I’m getting ready to send the oldest off to college, with the younger just a few years behind, so we are nearing the other side of this journey, and I can relievedly say it has worked well.
Away Game
I’ve always wanted kids, and wanted a career as well. I had no interest in being a SAHM, and my husband wanted to marry a fellow professional. I like kids, and always have. I married a man who also wanted kids. (OK, no one likes the temper tantrums and my teens’ sulks get annoying. It is not always sunshine and roses. ) But they are worth it to me. I wanted kids as “what makes me happy,” which I knew would not be what my career would provide over the long haul. I’m only going to work for a few decades, and didn’t think stories of that amazing thing I did at work at the age of 46 was going to be that interesting when I turn 66. Kids, I figure, would be part of the fun/interest in my life that the job would never provide. Still, I am in a career that is very hard to get into and requires an enormous sacrifice, and – yes, tooting my own horn – I’m doing very well. I knew forever even when planning this career that I wanted kids too, because they are fun and loving and cool and hilarious. They have given me an enormous sense of satisfaction and pleasure, the kind that has never come from one of my promotions.
I will consider myself a total career and parenting failure if my children have to support me in my old age. I do not intend to put them in that position. Ever.
I also never considered kids a guarantee of anything (happiness, fulfilment, etc). My happiness is on me, not my kids. I know and knew that I could have a child with a significant disability, or who end up in jail or an addict. That child would still have been loved and wanted. I never took having kids for granted, either. What if I had not met a man I wanted to marry or wanted to marry me? What if we couldn’t get pregnant (and I wanted bio kids because the process was more likely to be straightforward, so that was the first route we intended to try. If we had faced infertility, we would have probably looked into adoption.) At that stage, maybe all I would have had would be my amazing career, and some other thing I found outside of work, but that would have been less than my goal.
Most practical advantage of having kids for me: I’ve met tons and tons of awesome people through scouting and soccer and the kids’ school from all kinds of backgrounds and socioeconomic strata that I would not have met otherwise. Some of them are friends of MINE now even if our kids have now drifted apart. It has absolutely helped put me in touch with people outside my office/workforce. I have not had the “how do I make friends as an adult” problem since my kids started school, and I meet a wider variety of people.
Other considerations: I married at 30 and had my first child at 33. My husband and I at that point were in total agreement that we had “done” the single/DINK life and weren’t going to miss too much of it, once through the early parenting years. By that I mean that by 30 we weren’t going to clubs and raging parties anymore, had done a ton of travel, spent years enough on the couch doing nothing much (and liking it) and were ready to spend our time on other things. Yes, we missed going out to eat at cool restaurants those first few years of infant/toddlerdom, and had to adjust vacations. The restaurant thing was the hardest bit of early parenting, çause we like going out to eat. We are now past those years (my youngest starts middle school next year) and can take them to the most fancy place…or leave them at home and go by ourselves. They are amazing travellers and are helping plan our trip to Europe this summer. Skiing with them was more fun this year than DH and I skiing along. My daughter and I have this hobby together I wouldn’t have done without her, but it’s really fun and I”m glad she got me into it. They keep me up to date on pop culture and are always on hand when I need tech support. They now cook. They recommend books to me. They take me to places and convince me to do things outside my comfort zone. (I draw the line at ziplines. NOPE, nopety nope nope. I don’t do heights..have fun children!) Just….I have a better life -by MY definition – with them than I would probably have otherwise.
Bottom line: my life is more interesting with them and I like it better now, FOR ME, which is kind of what I expected. Also, I”m still totally KILLING it in my career.
Having said that, I totally get that others don’t see kids that way, and don’t think everyone should have kids, etc etc. I think it’s just dumb to tell someone they will change their minds, or would be more fulfilled, or somehow owe it to society to reproduce. (Blech.)
You do you. Don’t want kids, don’t have them. Doesn’t impact me in any way shape or form.
LaurenB
I married at 21, but was (and still am) very high powered in my career (I was in the corporate world and then moved to consulting). I was and still am not a baby/child person, but around age 27 I just felt that it was the natural next step to take to have a family and started wanting to have children. The idea of having someone to take care of me in my old age doesn’t compute – my husband and I think of it being our job to have enough money to make sure we are taken care of, and not to burden our children with our care. Heaven forbid my children have to change my diapers – I want them to enjoy their lives, and paid help will take care of us if necessary.
I just wanted them. That’s all. I didn’t think of the lifestyle changes as a sacrifice – just a change.
But you do your thing – if you don’t want kids, don’t have them. I don’t see why people care one way or the other about other women having / not having kids – it’s odd to me.
Keeks
I could have written this it’s so perfectly descriptive of me. Can I ask at what age you decided to have kids?
Old money
There were some posts on here in the last year or so (one more recently) about passing as “old money” and/or fitting in in workplaces that are more exclusive and formal. One thing that occurred to me is that if you really want to hold your own in conversation, it helps to be familiar with classical foreign words and phrases that have made their way into common English usage. I had a colleague ask recently “what does ‘deus ex machina’ mean?” when a more senior colleague used it to describe the ending of some book she was reading; I was glad she asked rather than playing along, but it would have been better to know it already.
That’s the first time I’ve heard that phrase in the workplace, but I hear other words and phrases fairly often, like haute couture, sans, de jure, ad hominem, persona non grata…I feel like I would frequently be smiling and nodding along cluelessly if I didn’t have familiarity with these phrases from reading a ton (since I never had any sort of classical education myself).
Marshmallow
Yep. My early obsession with reading, including lots of classics, means I sound more upper crust than I really am (which is not at all). It’s never too late for that.
anonypotamus
One of my biggest challenges with things like this is that I often know what a word means and how properly use it in a sentence, but am unsure how to correctly pronounce it, since I learned it solely from reading and haven’t ever actually heard it said out loud. So I hesitate to use it in a conversation for fear of mispronouncing it and appearing like I don’t understand my own words!
Marshmallow
That is totally me. I’ve resorted to Googling pronunciation of things I’m not sure about…
The opposite
My husband has the opposite problem – i am a voracious reader, and he mostly reads for work (STEM) and watches tons of movies/shows as his entertainment. Which is why he’ll do things like text me and reference “Moguls” (the non-magical people in Harry Potter). And it’s everything this type A, bookworm, know-it-all can do not to respond “it’s spelled m-u-g-g-l-e-s…”
Anon
Hahah moguls! That cracked me up.
Old money
I do this ALL. THE. TIME. That’s what happens when you’re a reader! Man, I’ve saved myself from some potentially embarrassing mishaps that way…
pugsnbourbon
SAME.
Anon
SAME.
Senior Attorney
Yep!
Liberal Arts
Interesting. I knew these phrases even though I grew up blue collar. But I went to a very old, East Coast, liberal arts college and got a degree in humanities. Of course that college was originally established by old money people and attracted lots of Old Money’s children. But it is not limited to those people today. So, the knowledge you refer to could be a reflection of socio-economic class or it could be a reflection of a person’s intellectual pursuits while in college. It’s not a per se rule.
Anonymous
I see this more as being educated, not old money. I went to a midwestern liberal arts college. I don’t even know anyone who is old money.
Anonymous
I think spring has brought on my mood for pink and purple, but I have been looking for knit shirts in bright spring colors with no luck – I feel like the pinks and purples that are in this year are sad and wan. Has anyone found something they likes that is brighter and happier?
Anon
Have you checked the more classic retailers like Lands End and Talbots? They generally have brights.
Anonymous
Yes – unfortunately, both are too boxy on me. I have a significant bust, but a short, smaller waist, so I need a more fitted top.
Anon
BR has a machine-washable cashmere sweater in magenta. Length is perfect for short waists.
S
Maybe try a re-sale site like thread-up so you get past season clothes?
Shopaholic
Any advice on jeans that do not dig into your sides? I don’t know if my jeans are just too tight or if the waistband is just too stiff? Is this the type of thing JAG pull-on jeans are intended for?
Anon in NYC
High waisted jeans with a bit of stretch. I have 1 pair and want to buy all the pairs.
Rainbow Hair
I freakin’ LOVE my high waisted jeans with a bit of stretch. Mine are from Old Navy. I’m seriously considering buying another pair in black because they’re so great. I also like that it gives me more room to experiment with different proportions, like shorter tops, without showing skin when I don’t want to.
Anonymous
I’ve definitely found that the softer jeans with stretch (not the stiffer/heavier fabrics) help A LOT with the digging issue – I have both high-waist and mid-rise, and they’re great. I’ve had decent luck with Gap (hit or miss), not as much with Old Navy, and a lot with more premium brands like Paige, Rag & Bone, and Citizens for Humanity. Not sure of the price range, but Nordstrom Rack often has premium denim brands at a significant markdown. You can sometimes catch them on Amazon for less too.
Anon in NYC
Yes, I’ll second the rec for Nordstrom Rack. Where I buy most of my denim these days!
Anon
Madewell is the best for this!
Anon
JAG jeans solve this problem. They are the only jeans I wear now.
anon.
The Madewell 9″ with tencel have changed my life.
Anonymous
Your jeans are too small.
Anon
Wit and wisdom at Nordstrom. I don’t know how they do it but no digging in
pears unite
Is there a high waisted pair of jeans that doesn’t look unflattering if you are also high waisted?
I see the “mom jeans” is cool for the kids these days, but as a 40-something – maybe it just looks like I am wearing my mom’s jeans from the 80’s in not a flattering way because of my ultra high waist.
Or do I just have to stick with mid-rise pants that are always slightly falling off with a belt?
I am also very pear shaped with a high small waist 27″ and larger rear “38+.
Anonymous
I like the Athleta sculptek jeans. My others are all BR, which I think makes wonderful high waisted jeans, but I don’t think they had any this past season when I went to buy another pair.
Waist
Clothes can be high waisted, but people are short or long waisted. If your natural waist is high on your body (ie, short distance between your bust and waist), you are short waisted.
pears OP
Shoot…. that’s of course what I meant.
I am short waisted.
Can I wear high waisted jeans and not look totally disproportionate? Especially being pear shaped…. Maybe it just can’t work, even if it is comfortable.
Anon
I am a very similar shape/size. I love Topshop Joni jeans for a super skinny option. Loft used to have an amazing high waisted ankle jean, but I’ve only been able to find it at Loft Outlets for the past year. Loft Legging Jean is good too, but again very very skinny.
Housecounsel
Citizens of Humanity Rocket jeans, in a multitude of washes, are high-waisted and super-flattering. They’re also very expensive. For a more affordable option, try HALE brand high-waisted jeans. I have only seen them sold on Amazon, but they’re somehow related to the AG brand.
I have everything else Athleta but haven’t tried the sculptek. I will now.
Novice house seller
When a builder buys a home to tear down and rebuild, is the builder usually represented by an agent?
Background: I’ll soon be hiring a real estate agent to sell a family member’s house in Northern Virginia. House is well made, in an always-popular neighborhood, but has years of deferred maintenance and needs updating. We’d rather sell to someone who will renovate, but understand that a builder may be the best buyer. I’d like to align the real estate agent’s interests with mine, so he doesn’t get a bigger commission by bringing in a builder deal because there’s no buyer’s agent to share the commission with.
Also, I’d welcome any tips on hiring a seller’s agent.
Anon
Just tell the agent what you told us. “We’re looking to sell and would love to sell to someone who’d like to renovate, not tear down.” Inexperienced buyers and sellers sometimes think agents are out to get them for commission. It rarely works like that. Their business is a word of mouth business – they literally won’t survive without referrals from satisfied clients. Also, if you run the numbers, it’s rarely worth it financially to for them push a seller or buyer on price – by the time their agency takes its cut and they pay taxes, a couple thousand difference in price may trickle down to them as a couple hundred.
My biggest advice is to go with the agent you click with. DO judge their webpage. DO go by your gut feeling when you interview them during the initial visit.
BC
A family friend ended up selling to a builder (not in Virginia) and, once she got over the emotional side of it, said it was great. There were no hang-ups over an inspection, no issue with coordinating the buyer’s sale of another house, etc. They agreed on a price and closed with no back-and-forth.
tesyaa
This sounds wonderful. Also, the OP may find that even a renovation emotionally impacts her and it would just be best to get top dollar. Once someone buys the house it’s theirs to do as they please, and unless something is truly a landmark, that’s for the best.
Sunflower
By the time we were ready to sell our first house, there were many teardowns happening in the neighborhood. We knew our house would be torn down. We drove around and got the names of three builders from their signs on houses under construction in our area. I called them and asked if they wanted to make offers. Two of them did and we sold the house to one of them. It was wonderful. As another poster said, there were no inspections, no delays, and no contingencies in the contract. Neither side had a real estate agent, so there were no commissions paid. Closing occurred at a title company just like any other sale. So easy!
Anonymous
Can you negotiate so that you pay x% to your agent and another x% to a buyer’s agent only if there is an agent?
Anonymous
In VA, the split has to go in the MLS listing that the buyer’s agent can see.
Anonymous
At least in NoVA
Anonymous
NoVA commission is usually 6% split in half with the buyer’s agent. It has to be listed in the MLS so buyer’s agents know the split. All of the agents I knew in NoVA had to get their broker’s permission to deviate from that. For an experienced agent who isn’t going to do anything shady or go MIA on you, it’s unlikely they will deviate from that unless you’re going to be a repeat buyer doing multiple transactions.
I know this isn’t what you askwd but having worked in real estate, I get so frustrated with people thinking they should get a discount on commission. Being a real estate agent, a good one, is a lot of hard work, but the good ones are worth their weight in gold.
Anonymous
I worked in real estate in NYC. Standard commission is 6 percent split both ways but payable by seller. I had zero problem agreeing to 4 percent if the buyer had no agent. It was still somewhat more lucrative than an even split and an exclusive is an exclusive.
But I do want to push back on the notion that agents will push you in a particular direction if there is more of a commission. Brokers want a successful closing. All things being equal, sure, an agent-less buyer is better in many ways but that’s almost never the case that you have two equally well qualified people offering the exact same amount and in any event agents have to communicate all offers to you so it’s your choice.
Novice OP
Thanks, all!
Developing Food Issues
I’m starting to notice myself developing weird issues and guilt about foods. I wouldn’t say I’m in a disordered eating pattern or binging/purging but I have started feeling guilty about eating “bad” things or that I need to earn the ability to eat Chick-fil-A for lunch. I put a double handful of raspberries in my yogurt this morning and immediately thought “this is not good for you”…I’ve never had thoughts like that before so I’m kind of panicked I’m developing an eating disorder.
I’ve been working out a lot more than I have in the past, and am seeing results, but I’m worried these results are triggering these food issues.
I don’t even know what I’m asking…
Anon
Nothing you’ve said here suggests to me that you have any kind of disordered eating. But the fact that you’re this concerned about it is reason enough to be concerned (if that makes sense).
I’m not normally one to suggest therapy for every little thing, but eating disorders are serious enough that I think professional help is warranted.
pugsnbourbon
I am 10+ years out from my anorexia diagnosis (3 years really sick, 2 years restoring weight, been in a really good place for the last 2-ish years). I advise you not to panic but also to be aware of those thoughts.
Borrowing from my CBT experience – can you challenge those thoughts in the moment? If you think “too many raspberries!”, counter that thought by saying “raspberries are full of nutrients and are delicious. I’m going to enjoy them!” It’s goofy at first but gets easier.
LAnon
+1 to mostly focusing on examining those thoughts.
Try being kind and inquisitive towards your own mind in these moments. Asking myself things like, “What makes you say that?” or “Hmm, tell me more about that” really helps me understand better where these thoughts are coming from.
You could also try to imagine what you would say to a friend who was saying these things to you. Or, vice versa, what a kind and rational and wise friend (aka Oprah) would say to you if she heard you say something like “These extra raspberries are bad for me!”
Anonymous
Well first of all, raspberries are good for you! Was it a weird instinct or did you actually think they were bad for you?
Mpls
+1 – also, I’d be thinking “better eat these all before they go bad”, since they have a tendency to moulder quickly.
I also grew up with raspberries in the backyard where we could eat as many as we could pick. And there were always way more than we could pick.
Leah
Have you determined the “why” behind your food reactions? It would be reasonable for me to feel that way about raspberries, because I need to cut way back on my sugars. If you just feel guilty enjoying what you’re eating, that’s another issue.
Health issues in big law
Feeling down. I’ve been dealing with a medical issue whose major symptom is fatigue. I’ve started treatment and went from “I literally cannot stand up without hanging onto something” to “I can mostly function but I feel like I’m dragging a lead cannonball around with me all day” within the past couple of weeks. I spoke to the chairperson of my practice group during the “can barely stand” phase and he was very supportive, told me to rest, took me off a project for the short term, etc. My direct supervisor has also said all the right things about my health.
Of course, saying the right things has not translated into practice. I’m getting “urgent” assignments at all hours of the day and night. When I told Supervisor last night I don’t have steam for yet another 1AM night in the office, he had a snappy response about how he had to do a Very Important Thing in the morning and he had to get up earlier than I would. Like, okay? Your meeting tomorrow is unrelated to my medical condition. I caved at the time because what we were working on actually was important, but now I’m kicking myself for giving in. I feel physically awful today. And I’ve only reinforced the team’s reliance on me by working to the detriment of my health.
I am a midlevel associate in a big law firm. I know this job entails long hours and I usually don’t mind. I like the work and generally like my team. I don’t know where to go from here– I feel guilty about tapping out before others, and the team relies on me. I don’t need full days off or even part-time hours. I just need to be able to leave the office before 11PM. Somehow, this is asking too much.
Has anyone successfully navigated a similar problem? My firm touts its excellent flex-time policies but I really don’t think that’s even what I need. I just need to be able to say no every once in a while and have folks respect it.
Ellen
Hug’s. You need a man in your life (as I do) to lean on. That way, if you work late, he will be there at home to prepare you supper and to rub your shoulders (and other places!), to help you get to sleep after a long and hard day at work. I want to find a guy to be that guy and MARRY me alreay, as should you. If you can find such a man, grab him and do NOT let go. I am pulling for you as is the ENTIRE HIVE!
YAY!!!!
Anon
Is this a permanent health issue or something temporary? Unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing most big law firms accommodating this long term. Not saying that’s right or fair, but long hours really are part of the job.
If it’s temporary, then I think you should just slog through, stand up for yourself but nicely, and remember that careers are long and you will get through this.
Anon
This. If it’s permanent, you really will need to look for another job.
Health limitations
It is temporary, hopefully just a few weeks/months while I adjust to some medication.
Houda
I am not sure about big law, but for consulting, they would not accept to have someone working “reduced” hours for months, unless you no longer want to be client facing and that means a role change. *”reduced” hours in this case are probably longer than most normal jobs which is just ridiculous. We are not robots and you should be allowed to have some rest
I hope things work out for you. Sending you lots of positive energy.
Anon
If it’s related to a disability, can you ask for a formal ADA accommodation? I know that can be embarrassing and difficult to enforce but it might give a little more teeth to be able to say, under doctor’s orders, HR approved an ADA accommodation that I must leave at [time] every night for the next [#] weeks. Luckily, this is a short term disability but I am simply unable to do any more than this at this time.
Then, if you get retaliation for it, you at least have the documentation for a legal case.
Houda
I had a colleague in the same situation. She had a health issue 2 weeks into what turned out to be the worst case we have worked on. Everyone was stretched to the max, and while it was clear she needed to rest, no one could be gracious enough to say I volunteer to take on Millie’s tasks and work between 2 and 4 AM sho she can leave at midnight instead of 2. It was very demoralizing to watch her sink, her issue became more serious. She eventually got a medical leave and her work stream was frozen until another consultant was put in 2 weeks later.
Betty
Can you work backwards from what you need? If you need 8 hours of sleep, 30 minutes to commute each way, 30 minutes to get ready in the morning, and are expected to be in the office by 8 a.m., you need to leave by 10:30 p.m. or whatever time that equates to for you. Email the partner at 5/7/9pm (or whatever lead time is most appropriate), and say “I am leaving the office at 10:30, here is the status of [big project]. Let me know if you need anything before I go.” And then leave at 10:30pm. In other words, is there a way that you can manage up to make it easier to enforce your own boundaries?
Health limitations
I basically need to be okay with being more forceful about this in the short term (as I mentioned above, the medical issue is temporary). It’s easier with some projects than with others. As anybody at a large firm knows, coming in earlier to get one’s own work done generally has no correlation with leaving earlier.
The biggest problem I’m encountering is that the team at large is often unsure of how they want the final result to come out, or leaves things until the last minute, so everything becomes a rush at the end. I do what I can to mitigate that but I’m not senior enough to be managing projects at a high level to avoid that kind of crush. So I may not have created the jam, but if I leave early, others get stuck holding the bag. Compound that with being the only associate on this part of the project, and a lot falls on me at the last minute.
So… really… what I need is a more functional and organized team or a clone of myself. Sigh.
Anon
I was actually going to suggest coming in later. I think you have more control over when you start working than when you stop (most of the time.)
Anonymous
Agree with this. In Big Law leaving before the deal is done/the brief is filed is Just. Not. Done. But you can control when you start. I used to do a ton of midnight filings and I never came in before 10 am the next day. I would wake up around 8 and if something urgent came up I would deal with it but usually there was nothing and I could get another couple of hours of sleep or have a relaxing morning at home. It was crucial to maintaining my sanity in Big Law.
Health issues
This is a great point. Official start time at my office is 9:30 but many attorneys don’t come in until 10. I could probably push it to 10:30 after a late night or if there isn’t much going on that day.
The last several weekends I’ve been coming in for 4-5 hours on Saturday, which really helps. Previously I would kind of work on and off all weekend and feel like I never got a break. It forces me to pack things in and be more efficient if I actually schlepp into the office.
Office Mate
If you share an office with only 1 other person, how do you tell them to chew with their mouth closed, especially after trying to let it go for over a year? She’s a decent person and I try to be cordial and professional but we’re not friends or anything (probably because she has noisy habits that I secretly resent). But I’d like to stay on good terms with her. So I’m trying to strike the right tone and use the right words. She likes to snack all day so it is very very distracting. And I wish I could pop on headphones but my job requires intense concentration on minute details so substituting head phone noise for mouth chewing noise hasn’t been helpful.
anon
I hate chewing noises and I wonder all the time if there’s anything I can do about it. I’ve decided that there really is no polite way to tell someone to just chew with their d*mn mouth closed. I use earplugs and noise cancelling headphones at the same time with no music.
Or you could make it just about eating in general and not the smacking
Anonymous
+1 first para
Anon
Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a nice way to say this. That’s not to say you can’t address it, but she’s going to be offended, no matter how you phrase it. I second the noise-canceling headphones.
Anon
Noise cancelling headphones at work have been a life saver for me.
Anon
What happens when a co-worker approaches you with a question while you are wearing these?
Anonymous
They wave a hand in your sight line to get your attention and then you take them off? It takes 15 seconds and gives you a chance to switch gears.
anon a mouse
You should try to meet her halfway. I think it’s fine to say, kindly, I have a version of misophonia that makes it very difficult to concentrate when I hear chewing sounds, could you please be aware and try to limit them? But then I think you also need to look into earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones.
I am a constant snacker and I love things like apples and baby carrots. I recognize that it’s loud, but even in a shared space you can’t expect someone to just not eat.
Anon
Are you sure her mouth is open? I don’t think being a loud eater and eating with your mouth open are synonymous. And if it’s just noise and her mouth is closed I kind of think it’s your issue and you have to get over it. Chewing with your mouth open is gross though.
pears unite
Unfortunately, you will not be able to change her mannerisms. She will be mortified when you ask her (as you are also insulting her basic manners) and she may not be eating with her mouth open and just be a loud eater. You can’t change this.
You could ask her not to eat in the office. A little rough….
You could wear headphones during lunch time/when she is eating.
Or you could ask to move somewhere away from anyone who eats.
You have a heightened sensitivity to noises like people chewing. This is actually a real, genetic thing. I have it too. You have to learn to work around it to survive in society. And you can! But you can’t change other people. You can only change yourself.
AlsoAnon
I chew really loudly – with my mouth closed, because I wasn’t raised in a barn. Do you know how I know this? My colleague, whom I’m really close to, (no pun intended) once said “Dude you chew so loudly. If we’re going to work together you cannot eat your desk where I can hear you – take it in the breakroom!” It sort of hurt my feelings, but I appreciated that she said it 1) to my face and 2) kind of lightheartedly. Maybe try that? If you’re only cordial with her it may hurt her feelings, but done in the right way from a place of kindness I think it can work. Sidenote: my husband has a genetic disposition to react extremely negatively to chewing noises. Thanks to 23 and Me we now know that’s a genetic thing and he’s not just being overly sensitive or a jerk when he asks me to chew more quietly!
Anon
I agree that if you are going to say anything, do it light heartedly. Being super formal and polite about things like this only makes it more awkward (counter-intuitively).
Personally, I’d do headphones or just try to go for a walk while she’s eating.
Anon
Earplugs instead of headphones.
anon
In reply to the “not raised in a barn” comments: If she can’t breathe through her nose, she may genuinely struggle to chew and swallow without taking any breaths. (There are reasons why people hate so-called “mouth breathers,” but there are also reasons why they breathe and chew the way they do!)
I think it is worth bringing it up. When people in my office found out that one of our colleages had misophonia, we all wished he had brought it up much sooner! It is really not that difficult to accommodate at least partially.
What have you tried listening to on the headphones? I feel like there must be some white noise track that doesn’t conflict with concentration out there.
Sadie
This. I can’t listen to anything with words, it is equally distracting. However, either white noise/relaxation/focus tracks or just instrumental/classical music seem to work fine.
Cure for the Blahs
Any suggestions? I’m feeling directionless. I have a job and a side gig that I like, but am still very low on money. I’m still recovering from a heartbreak that happened in 2016, single with no prospects. I don’t have many local friends, and all my friends are coupled. I’m mid-late 30s.
I kind of don’t even know where to start. What do I need to think through? Or are there just some little actions I can take that would help? Why do I feel blah or how should I address it?
Pretty Primadonna
Find something, anything you like, that you can afford, that makes you happy. Do it ocasionally. Figure out a goal and the steps to achieve it. Start working toward it.
LAnon
This gets suggested here a lot, but volunteer work. I started doing some weekend/evening volunteer work with a regional food bank with no goals other than just to get out of the house and have something interesting to do for free. I won’t claim it was life-changing – I didn’t meet my partner there, I met some nice people but probably no lifelong friends, I didn’t discover a new calling, and the work I did for them was very menial – repacking food for redistribution. But I would get pretty absorbed in the work I was doing while I was there, and would go home at the end of the day feeling calm and satisfied.
I was at a point where I was spending a lot of my free time mostly focused on some of the same things you are focused on. It was a consistently good reminder that often times, feeling satisfied at the end of the day was more a function of just having done something positive that day, however small, rather than having answered the Big Questions of life. I find it much easier to think about the Big Questions when I’m coming from a place where I’m positive/engaged with life. So maybe just trying to get out more in low stakes situations would put you in a mental place to feel less blah.
Anon
I feel this way every few months. The best prescription for the blahs is to try something new. Join a local club or Meetup group. Volunteer. Change your hairstyle or makeup routine. Try a new excersise routine. Host a party. The smallest changes can have a huge impact on your mood and outlook.
Health limitations
I’m stuck in mod with the longer backstory, but has anyone had success drawing boundaries at a very demanding job where you need a slight dial-down because of medical issues? Management said all the right things at first but has started again with late night urgent requests. I’m talking about the difference between leaving at 10PM vs 1AM, not trying to get out of the office at 5 on the dot.
Anon
Probably start looking for a new job.
Anon
Can you just…not? “Hi Bob, I just want you to know that my doctor requires I get at least 7 hours of sleep per night for my condition, so I’m not available for late night requests. Thanks for understanding.” And then follow through on it. Turn your phone off. Walk out of the office. They’re giving you assignments because you’re working on them and not pushing back.
S
Just say no. I know that’s really really hard, but if your health is on the line you should and let the chips fall where they may.
Tysons Corner area hotel with suites
Any recs for a Tysons Corner area hotel with suites, maybe like an Embassy Suites or somewhere with adjoining rooms and an on-site restaurant? I’ve stayed at the Ritz traveling solo for work but need something more budget and kid friendly.
Anon
That’s a hard ask since Tysons is maybe the least kid-friendly area in NoVA. There’s a Doubletree on a busy intersection corner; there’s a Marriott with a restaurant on Leesburg Pike; and there’s a Hyatt with a swanky farm-to-table restaurant that connects to the mall.
Flats Only
check for the Residence Inn Tysons Corner Mall
anon
Reposting (thanks for that advice!)
Does anyone have a recommendation for an attorney/firm specializing in non-profit organizations (formation and all that entails) in northern Virginia?
Hairdryers!
Hi all, I’ve been using a travel-sized Conair as my main hairdryer for years, and I’m ready to upgrade myself to something nicer. I have long, slightly wavy brunette hair (non-color-treated), and although it’s fine there is a LOT of it, so it take a while to dry. I’d like to have a dryer that will work faster and be kinder to my hair. I’m willing to spend up to $150 (as long as it’s something that lasts a while). Any recommendations? TIA :)
Marshmallow
I am obsessed with my BabyLiss Pro TT. OBSESSED. It’s light, it’s fast, my hair is shiny, and it didn’t cost a jillion dollars. It’s $99 on Amazon now but I think I got mine for $80-ish.
https://smile.amazon.com/BaBylissPRO-Tourmaline-Titanium-5000-Dryer/dp/B002NGMEVC/ref=sr_1_7_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1521234056&sr=8-7&keywords=babyliss+dryer
Lilly
Amika Power Cloud Pro. Birchbox has it for $100. It’s better than the more expensive GHD dryer I am using because I couldn’t find the one I wanted when I needed it. My Amika lasted nicely for three years until I cut the cord with a bathroom door while on vacation. I have thick, coarse, frizzy hair and It really does dry my hair much faster and smoother.
Thank You Cards
I’m job searching and was thinking of investing $15-$20 in custom thank you cards + matching envelopes from Etsy or somewhere similar to send to my interviewers. I’m sure they will come in handy in other professional instances (thanking clients for gifts, etc). I have cutesy thank you cards for personal use that I don’t think would suffice for this. Any recommendations?
Anon
Don’t send handwritten notes to interviewers; that’s just not done anymore. However, buying a simple, classic set of stationary with your name on it is very useful. Then you can use it for thank-yous or other purposes.
Anonymous
I agree, it could actually hurt you.
Anonymous
Agree. In my industry and in most of my client’s industries, it’s completely out of touch with standard business communication.
Also, mail is not that fast! My firm makes decisions more quickly than some email thank you notes can be sent.
Mpls
+1 – email, not paper, is for job interview follow up/thanks.
S
+2
Anon
Should you thank the interviewer in any way at all after an interview? No card, no e-mail? Should you not follow up at all and just wait and see if they call? I haven’t interviewed in a long time.
Anonymous
Email.
Houda
Not etsy but you could try Moo dot com (I promise it’s their real business name).
They have quite a few models to choose from but you can also upload your own design.
Anon
I have an exact replica of Sample 14 for my professional stationery. (Mouse over each sample to see details.) They’re chic and understated and attention-grabbing in the best way. https://www.reavesengraving.com/social-stationary-and-thank-you-notes
Btw, this is a small family company that’s been in business since 1933. They’re awesome to work with and the product is really beautiful.
Anonymous
They did my wedding invitations and thank-yous 15 years ago. I had forgotten the name of the company. They do beautiful work and the price was very reasonable for real engraving.
Anon
Any advice on how to survive (thrive??) in a super political workplace? I have a technical background, and am used to just doing my work and letting it speak for itself, but now I’m in a work environment where so so so much attention is paid to who is invited to which meeting, who gets blamed for this, who gets credit for that, and so on. People are crazy territorial, but we work on big sprawling projects that should require lots of cooperation across departments. Other than this, I love my job, and am still fairly new here, so can’t leave for a while even if I wanted to. How do I do well in an environment like this? Help, please!
Anon
My advice is this:
One, dumb everything down and create a power point for everything with your name at the beginning and the end (I’m talking – ppt for meeting notes. ppt for project deliverables. literally everything). It is soul-sucking the first few times but you’ll get used to it. People really remember presentations (even if just emailed in PDF) and somehow creating a ppt versus doing a very complicated and cool analysis is perceived superior to the types that ultimately make political decisions.
Two, try to find someone who is high up there but is maybe not incredibly smart and start spoon feeding them solid information and strategy advice. While they will take credit for it, they will protect you and make sure your name gets out there because they know you are crucial to their success.
Cheers, go get them!
Anonymous
It might be helpful to take a step back and think about your priorities and what you want your brand to be. E.g., technical expert, future star, etc. How you define your priorities can help map out next steps. Other poster’s guidance on finding a mentor is spot on… but you need to pick one that aligns to your goals.
Some things you have mentioned reflect a more dysfunctional culture, as opposed to a political culture. For example, time spent on blame, territoriality. There are ways to deal with these, such as shifting the conversation to looking forward, identifying common ground/incentives. These might also be good to connect on with your boss or mentor for coaching.
anon
Make friends at work, preferably in several departments, if possible. You need friends even more in a political work environment, for your own sanity and in order to have someone going to bat for you when you aren’t there to defend yourself. Friends are also a great outlet for sharing concerns and getting information that can help you keep your head above water. Don’t keep your head down and try to go solo. Make friends.
Another thing – try to build relationships with people and speak to them in person instead of always sending emails. When people can see your face and your body language they will be more likely to read your good intentions and start to like you over time. You can get to know them better and facilitate trust. This will help you too.
Fjallraven
I love the look of the black Fjallraven tote bag (tote #1 or #2), but I’d prefer if it had a crossbody strap. Does anyone know of any similar ones? I haven’t had any luck online.
Katie
A friend of mine had a crossbody strap added to a Fjallraven bag. I think at a Fjallraven store, but you may be able to get one added somewhere else too.
Anonymous
I think make sure you have advocates above you. I came from a place like this – if not for layoffs I’d still be there but definitely there was a big territorial, CYA culture, where people kept others out of meetings, even their own bosses. I had great bosses there but I also knew I was down to my last advocate unless I learned to play the game better, because work didn’t speak for itself only. I also think there were workhorses and showhorses.
Cole Haan shoes
I know some (many?) clothing brands manufacture lesser-quality pieces to sell at their outlet stores. Is this true of shoes as well? In particular, are the Cole Haan shoes sold by Nordstrom Rack inferior to those sold at Nordstrom proper? If so, what are some clues for distinguishing top-of-the-line Haans from downmarket ones? (e.g., markings on the sole, etc.)
(Context for this question: I can’t afford Nordstrom prices, but CH are so comfy that I’m looking on the various major e-tailers and secondhand sites. I just want to make sure I’m getting a top-quality shoe and not a lesser one. One I’m considering right now is called the Jenni II ballet flat, if you need a specific example.)
Anonymous
I think these are, for the most part, goods that didn’t sell in the stores. So, I would assume they are same quality as normal Nordstrom.
Anon
I think that used to be true of outlet stores, but is no longer the case.
Mpls
Yes, Cole Haan does make outlet specific lines, though I think more so for the Cole Haan branded outlet stores vs Nordstrom Rack. Usually you can tell be the name of the style. If you go the Cole Haan website, those will be the regular (non-outlet) line. The names of the styles at the outlet stores are deliberately different.
Jenni is probably an outlet line – but not necessarily inferior quality. They probably aren’t quite as well made (all the small construction details), but I think they’ll still be decent quality – real leather, good stitching, etc. My guess is that the Jenni is a version of Studiogrand.
Anonymous
I have Cole Haan Zero Grand shoes that I bought from 6pm.com (that I saw were also being sold at Nordstrom Rack, Saks off Fifth, etc). To the best of my knowledge they are normal Cole Haans- in fact Nordstrom and Cole Haan was selling the exact same pair for $100 more.
MJ
6pm is zappo’s overstock site, so I think they are first run shoes. A lot of stuff made for Rack is not first-run, and is specifically for Rack, at a cheaper price point.
Anonymous
I love the look of chelsea boots, but for the pair I have purchased, the top of the boot seems to rub the back of my leg.
Am I giving up too soon before they break in, or do my feet/legs just not work for these boots?
Anon
I have a ton of digestive issues. Which bring gassiness, brain fog, skin issues…I already don’t eat dairy, soy, and grains most of the time but it isn’t enough. Probiotics give me terrible acne. As does yogurt and fermented foods. Has anyone been in my shoes and got through it? Have you tried that LEAP food intolerance testing thing?
Anon
Have you considered SIBO? This actually sounds more like SIBO than like a food sensitivity to me.
Anon
Yes, but I’m not sure about how to treat it. I have approached both my GI doc and a functional nutrition person about this and they kind of just ignored me. I have seen online that many who have done the old antibiotic routine for this have not fared well and what is left is the severe elimination diets. One that I haven’t tried yet is Fast Tract. I just wish I had someone to guide me…
Anon
The GAPS diet and the specific carbohydrate diet, at least, have been around forever, so I’d like to think that your doctors would at least have an opinion. But I guess I know how it can go, since it took me years to figure this out with different providers.
I did do a food sensitivity test with a functional nutrition person, but quitting the indicated foods (for ~2 years) didn’t resolve symptoms for me. I ended up reintroducing all of the “sensitivity” foods except gluten (since I definitely benefited in other ways from quitting that one). Antibiotics were not successful for me.
My risk factors for SIBO were consistently low stomach acid (as indicated by out-of-range low alkaline phosphatase results on all my standard blood panels) and mild gastroparesis. I am now taking ascorbic acid with meals to help my digestion, and I’m doing a few different things to work on motility.
In terms of diet, I’m avoiding snacks between meals and keeping my total carbs about as low as Fast Tract recommends. I am at the point where I’m doing fine so long as I maintain this protocol.
I have a bunch of relevant comorbidities, so my situation is probably a little different. I have a history of being loyal to physicians who aren’t successfully helping me. It’s so hard to find a good doctor, but it absolutely beats doing things on one’s own. And medicine is vast and complicated; there’s a huge difference between “specialist” and “specialist who subspecializes in what’s wrong with you.” Just some things to keep in mind if you decide to go for a second opinion!
Anon
I’m sorry that your eliminations didn’t work out for you. That is frustrating.
I am wondering if LEAP is better than previous food sensitivity testing.
I also have low stomach acid and either take enzymes or have a spoon of fermented carrots or something before meals. The former really keeps my skin clear and inflammation down, but I don’t like depending on them. The latter gives me acne at times due to histamine issues. I agree with keeping time between meals to help things digest.
I do have other issues as well. I had some sort of tick borne ailment which triggered neurological issues a few years ago. I now have some obscure GI neuropathy that no one wants to talk about and my bladder control is an issue…TMI…Plus autoimmune issues galore and weight gain to go with it. I’m better, but not great.
I also have been loyal to docs who were useless at best, but more realistically, harmful. I hate to shell out a lot of money to another functional medicine person who may not know what they’re doing, but I guess I have no choice.
Anon
Okay, then we actually do have some similar comorbidities (autoimmune disease, neuropathy, weight gain).
I take LDN for GI motility and hopefully autoimmune benefits (one good thing that came of seeing a functional medicine MD).
I also take benfotiamine + magnesium (in addition to a multivitamin) for neuropathy (didn’t really help with GI, but helped a lot with lightheadedness).
Autoimmune diseases run in my family, so I pursued a lot of this after it had already helped out close relatives (sometimes more than it helped me; the elimination diet was great for the sibling with Sjogren’s syndrome, for example). I’ve actually had the conversation about enzyme dependence with my mom a few times (they really help her, but she hates needing them too).
I found my current MD through the “slow medicine” direct care movement. (My previous PCP ultimately told me “I do not have time to coordinate your care”–which I’m sure was literally the case.) It’s actually saving me money, so I’m happy with it so far. If you’ll save more money by seeing an insurance-covered provider, you might have luck with a DO if you can find a good one.
Just throwing out some more ideas since I’ve had more experience than I wish I did with this sort of thing! I have one colleague and one good friend who eventually significantly recovered from tick-bourne illness complications, so I’m holding out hope that you can keep making progress with this. Good luck!
anon
I have SIBO–was skeptical about the antibiotics, but they worked well for me. Not a 100% fix, but an improvement. Then I followed up with a functional medicine naturopath/nutritionist. She had me do a stool sample (so gross, but the results were worth it) which determined exactly which bacteria were out of whack, and the lab was able to culture and test which different antibiotics/natural solutions were effective on those bacteria. Turned out grapefruit seed extract was the best for me–which I was on for about 4 mos and have seen substantial improvement. Then did a targeted probiotic.
Several years prior to the SIBO diagnosis I had done different elimination diets, and figured out I had a couple of sensitivities and allergies, which I have been scrupulously avoiding since. So I can’t speak to the impact of elimination diets on the SIBO specifically.
If you are able to do so, might be worth talking to a different functional medicine doctor/nutritionist if the first one didn’t work out, and see if you can find one who can order the right testing.
Facial epilation
Can anyone please advise on facial epilation methods? I now need to do this (age, thyroid issues, whatever) but have sensitive skin. For example, I recently used a Braun Silk-Epil which was super quick, effective and perfectly bearable on cheeks and chin. However, by the next day I had lots and lots (around 40) of small spots, some with white heads. These took days to clear up. I did have a Braun facial epilator but it was hopeless. It never really worked properly, needed a new battery just about every time I used it, and eventually burnt out completely. It did work, but also resulted in spots. I’ve also tried one of those spring things with two handles. This might have been slightly better as regards causing spots, but it took ages to use as it missed a lot of hairs. I always apply aloe vera afterwards. Any tips on how to prevent the spots would be enormously appreciated! Thank you in advance.
Anon
I have not done this, but I think a mild glycolic exfoliant could help. I’m thinking the Exuviance gentle cleanser and Soothing Toner from Ulta perhaps? Or maybe an equivalent from their sister brand, Neostrata?
Anon
Come to think of it, though, those MIGHT Be too mild for what you are looking for. Maybe there is something stronger?
Leah
I gave up on using that kind of tool because of white heads and red spots, and now I thread by hand. It’s quick/easy/cheap, and you can do it in small bouts if you have sensitive skin. A numbing creme beforehand helps, too.
Anon
Do you have a good resource where one can learn how to do this?
hair
I learned on this site about the simple dry facial razors that you can buy on Amazon for a pittance and they work amazingly well and make my skin feel incredible. Takes seconds. Literally. They are called Twinkle or Tinkle… and can’t remember which is the real one and which is the knock-off. Check amazon.
I have very sensitive skin, could not tolerate waxing/bleaching etc… on my face. My skin is literally BETTER after using it. It takes seconds. No pain. Dirt cheap. I can do it whenever I want… no appointments needed.
Never have red marks, ingrown etc..
Watch a video online on how to use the proper technique (not exactly like how you shave other body parts.
I will never go back. It’s perfect.
Anonymous
You need to wax. If you want it to be quick, you can get those strips that you rub between your palms to heat them up . Much, much better for your face!
Exasperated
My husband and I (34 and 32, respectively) have been married for close to 3 years, together for 8. We agreed early on that neither of us want to have children. I’m an only child and have already told my mom, who seems to have accepted it. However, he refuses to come out to his mother. He’s insisted before that if he tries to tell her, she’ll get upset and ask why over and over again, and the issue will never die. He is hoping we can wait for his sister’s kids to take the pressure off. (She got married and bought a large house a year ago, and has been very upfront about wanting kids.) In the meantime, I have put up with her frequent needling about when we plan to have children, our apartment size, and why we aren’t buying a home for nearly our entire relationship. The questions and insinuations have only become more persistent since we got married. For instance, the last time we saw her, she asked, “Why aren’t you buying a home? Everyone else your age is buying one,” and repeated versions of the same question multiple times. I took a deep breath and told her that we were fine with renting our current (one bedroom) apartment in the city, that the only people we knew who were buying homes were doing so because they needed space for children, that I had no desire to move to the suburbs, and that I had no such need for more space. I also explained that I don’t just do things because other people are doing them. She’s not great at taking hints, so she refused to drop the subject. (My husband, when he is present for these conversations, usually agrees with whatever I tell her. Otherwise, she wants for him to leave the room and then corners me to ask more directly about having kids.) My question is, how do I politely deflect or shut the topic down without appearing defensive, since I can’t come clean without going against my husband’s wishes? Do I just change the subject? Leave the room? As it stands, I avoid spending any time alone in a room with her and do my best to bite my tongue. (When I feel really daring, I tell her that I’m looking forward to her daughter having kids and then take a large swig of wine.)
My other question is, how much of the responsibility of telling her falls with my husband? He is perfectly content to allow her to direct her (prying, rude, intrusive) line of questioning towards me, and I’m seriously beginning to resent him for it. I just want to be honest instead of playing this weird game. I’ve said as much to him multiple times, but he and his father tend to ignore her most of the time or talk to each other while she prods me. Should I just get used to people asking about how many bedrooms my home has and inquiring about the state of my uterus? (I’ve been able to shut down the people asking me if I’m pregnant and inspecting my abdomen by saying, “No, I’m just fat/I had a large lunch, thanks for the reminder!”)
Anon
I’m not sure he needs to reveal that he isn’t planning to have kids, because she is being wildly inappropriate even if you were planning to have kids or if you hadn’t decided yet or if you weren’t able. This isn’t about honesty; it’s about boundaries. He knows, as you’ve said, that if he says he isn’t having kids, she will push the issue that much harder. This seems extremely likely to me. If this were me, I would be tempted to tell her what she doesn’t want to hear just because she is being awful–but it would only make things worse. Telling her would only encourage her perception that this is her business and that she has any right to know. What you want is for her to stop thinking she has a say in the matter at all.
Anonymous
“I don’t want to talk about this. Stop asking me.”
Anon
“We are not having this conversation.”
Re: kids. “Unless you’re part of what goes on in the marital bed, you’re not part of the discussion of kids.”
Re: houses. “My bank account, my business.”
AB
I’m ragey on your behalf but moving on to what you asked:
In terms of how to deflect I would say “If you want details, you should talk to [hubby]”. And keep saying that then leave the room or change the subject after that. Hubby should really be the one dealing with his mom.
Your husband is in denial if he thinks his sister having kids will stop his mom. If anything, she will be more persistent. She will continue her behavior until hubby sets boundaries. Ideally, the plan should be that you (aka: both of you) tell her the truth the next time she asks or you (both) say “we don’t want to talk about this”. Then when she continues, HUBBY should say to her that if she keeps asking, you (both) will stop visiting or stop any phone calls. If she harasses you with questions during phone calls, you say to her “We’ve asked that you not bring this up. I’m hanging up now.” Finally, follow through on that, for however long it takes. The reason it’s important that hubby takes the main/major role in this is b/c generally, it’s easier if the direct blood relative is the one pushing back. You can of course, say the same things to her to provide a united front but he should be at the forefront.
His mom will then have to decide if asking her inappropriate questions is worth sacrificing her relationship with you. This will take some intestinal fortitude on your (hubby/you) part to follow through and not bend. She brings up questions during a call? Call her out and then end the call. She promises she won’t ask questions so you visit but then she does? You guys leave and cut the visit short.
I love Captain Awkward’s website. She has amazing advice on setting boundaries and having pre-planned scripts for stuff like this. By the way, Captain Awkward’s approach is this when it comes to saying things that initially may feel uncomfortable: His mom is making this awkward in the first place and it’s perfectly acceptable to send that awkwardness back to her.
Now..some things you or hubby can say if/when mom asks:
Her: WHAT?!? Why aren’t you having kids?
Husband: Because we don’t want to.
Her: But WHY???????
Husband: I just told you. We don’t want to.
Her: But WHY????And kids are so cute…so why not?????
Husband: Mom, I’m not going to debate this with you. So…where should we go for lunch?
Her: Please, tell me why you’re depriving me of grandchildren.
You (literally stuck in a corner of a room with her): I’m not depriving you of anything.
Her: But you are!!!
You: Ok, you’re making me very uncomfortable, I’m leaving now.
Her: Why, why are you doing this to yourself by not having children?
Hubby: Mom, we’ve asked that you don’t bring this up, again, for the millionth time. If you continue doing this, I will stop our visits.
Her: I’m your mother, how dare you!
Hubby: I dare b/c you’re being very weird about this and you won’t listen.
Also, you should not get used to people asking inappropriate questions. They are out of line. I love the response of “Why do you ask?” with a stone-cold serious face when people ask the status of my uterus. If you follow that up with silence while they figure out what to say, it’s pretty effective in getting people to realize they’ve done something wrong.
Anonymous
Regardless of whether or not you want kids, your husband is majorly in the wrong for not having your back. First of all, his family is HIS responsibility and it’s not ok to push it off onto you. 100% of the responsibility lies with your husband.
Second of all, why doesn’t he have a vested interest in your comfort? He really has no problem sitting back and watching his wife get hounded inappropriately? I don’t blame you for being resentful. Is this the only part of the relationship where his needs come before yours? It might be enough for me to insist on marital counseling, personally. He’s making a selfish choice and literally *watching* you deal with the consequences without compunction. You are not off base at all.
S
I think your husband needs to jump in here and address the question when your MIL starts asking. I don’t think he needs to tell his mom that you don’t want kids, but he does need a solution that puts him in the first line of questions — it shouldn’t be your burden to bear. Can you have a serious conversation with him about this not in the moment or in immediate anticipation of a moment? He should care if you are feeling uncomfortable around his family and take on a solution to try to make you comfortable.
New wine glasses
I’m looking to upgrade my white and red wine glasses. I want a set that are not just plain glass or crystal, but also are not overly decorated. I’m struggling to find glasses that aren’t boring but a the same time aren’t gaudy. Anyone have a set of wine glasses they are in love with?
Thanks!
Anonymous
Yes, they are plain glass with a nice bowl shape and easily replaceable if one breaks (and they will). Crate and Barrel
Anonymous
Seconding Crate and Barrel for exactly this reason!
Anonymous
The Solitaire pattern by Lenox. Very narrow platinum band around the rim, plain stem, elegant.
Anon
What do you use for a journal? Where do you keep it so no one happens upon it?
Anon
Kat, why did the wedding registry post completely disappear?
Kat G
i accidentally scheduled it for a future date. it’s fixed now! thank you for reading!
Anonymous
Question regarding bullet journals:
I’m thinking about trying out a bullet journal to stay organised at work. I normally take a lot of notes when I go to meetings, just in a normal notebook. Do those of you who use a bullet journal keep a separate notebook for this kind of thing, or does it all go in one book?
Anon
I’m in a rut for things to cook on Sundays that I can bring to work for lunch during the week. What are you guys making today?
Anon
https://www.hellofresh.com/recipes/spicy-chorizo-tomato-penne-5512aa836ced6e37098b456b?locale=en-US
I made this (not using HelloFresh boxes, just their recipe) and I ate so much of it while I was cooking I only have 4 lunches worth (oops.) Delicious though!
Anonymous
It’s all about sheet pan meals for us – today we’ll do marinated chicken tenders with brussels sprouts and cubed sweet potato. I do two sheet pans (I spread things out to make sure everything gets nicely browned and doesn’t steam) and that’ll make about 8 meals total for the both of us for the week. We usually each do one lunch out during the week, usually business but sometimes fun, so 8 meals is enough. Lots of sheet pan recipes out there, just search for them. Other thing we did recently were chicken and rice bowls – fiesta brown rice with chicken tenders and sauteed onions and peppers.