Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Chamberlain Blazer

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1. Ladies, thank you for the mother/son song recommendations. My son liked the Pride and Joy suggestion so that’s what we danced to on Saturday–short, good beat for a rumba and not too weird.

   1. Oh that is heartwarming. I’m so glad it worked for you. Congratulations!

2. I’m getting divorced. It is amicable and we have a small kid. I thought of about 12 million questions I would like to ask you wise ladies, but instead I will just put this out as a call for any and all advice and wisdom you have – on the logistical, financial, emotional, and everything else aspects of this.

   The only way out is through, right, SA?

   1. I haven’t been divorced myself but I have handled a fair amount of divorce cases. The most successful (1) use their business hats, not their emotional hats when negotiating a settlement (2) set aside their hurt to put the kids first and not use them as pawns (3) have a therapist so they are not using their attorney or kids as a therapist.

      Some quick examples. For number 1, I represented a guy that was adamant he would never pay alimony. Wife proposed a split where she got short term alimony but he got all of his stock options, not divided. This was worth way more money for him. Initially, he had his emotional hat on and jumped up and down about how she earned equal to him and had no need for alimony. Then he put his business hat on and realized he would fair better long term from the divorce keeping his stock options and paying 3 years alimony.

      For number 2, the kids don’t want just one parent at their life events. They want you both there. They also want you to pretend you get along. If your kid hits a home run and comes running into the stands after, both parents should be there to give him a hug, even if it means standing near your ex for a minute. Don’t be the parent who goes to court to decide which parent gets to take the kid on a celebratory dinner after an award ceremony or something.

      On number 3, your therapist is a lot cheaper than your attorney. When you use your attorney as a therapist, it makes it hard for us to figure out if you want us to do something different legally or if you are just venting about how much divorce sucks. If you keep calling to complain about the parenting plan, I’m going to think you want me to change it. If you don’t want me to change it, you don’t need to be calling me.

      1. Wow, this is really thoughtful advice. Not going through a divorce but still found this really good reminder. Thank you.

      2. This is great advice. I would also add (if age appropriate – 6+)- get your kid in therapy as well. They may seem to be taking the change fine, but it’s nice to have a safe place for them to discuss their feelings.

         1. Yes, this … dh’s parents split when he was a fully independent adult and he still needed therapy. It can be even harder for little kids because it’s harder for them to understadn and it changes their day to day more.

      3. Oh, this is all so great! Especially the third point.

         And yes! The only way out is through!

         When I was going through my divorce (five years ago this month — time flies!) I kept telling myself “a year from now things will be so much better!” and I was right!

   2. Reply in mod.

   3. As a child of parents sho divorced and then had second marriages fail as well:

      Please distinguish between an ex who hurts you and a parent who is hurting the kid. Your ex can be miserable to you but still be loving towards his/her child. The touchstone is always how your ex treats the kid.

      I’ve seen a lot of parents do/say things like “So-and-so hasn’t done X relating to the divorce, so little Johnnie can’t see him. I can’t let my child be around someone so irresponsible.” Or if the parent doesn’t parent like you (general you) do, the custodial parent will want to restrict time. Chicken nuggets and too many Disney movies aren’t a reason to terminate parental rights.

      As an adult, I appreciate the parent who made much more of an effort to enable us to have a relationship with the ex.

      1. I will add: if you were on the same page as to how to raise the kids, it is not as likely you would be getting divorced. I don’t mean that you’re splitting over incompatible thoughts on parenting; rather, incompatible parenting styles is likely a symptom of what is causing the split.

         So go in expecting that you two aren’t going to see eye-to-eye, and unless it’s a huge problem (abuse, neglect, exposing the kid to people high on channel your inner Elsa and let it go.

         1. Ugh, phone – “exposing the kid to people high on drugs)…”

   4. I think you received excellent advice from the divorce attorney so I’m just going to talk about your personal mental state. I am divorced. It has helped not to think of it as a failure but rather as a stage of my life that is in the past. I can’t say it was a mistake to marry him, because our child wasn’t a mistake and wouldn’t otherwise be here. I just frame it as he was the right partner for me at the time, and it not the right partner for me right now, nor am I the right partner for him right now.

      There’s no way to get through it without pain but don’t spend the rest of your life beating yourself up about it.

      Hugs to you. I know it’s so difficult.

      1. Oh this is such good framing. I am not divorced by my parents are. Years later my mom hasn’t recovered emotionally and I think it’s because she insists on continuing to view the divorce as a “failure” that “destroyed the family.” She won’t listen to any alternate ways of thinking about it, and it’s so emotionally unhealthy for her. I think if she could just come around to thinking the way anon at 10:29 describes (which I think is much more true than the “failure” framing) she would be a lot happier.

      2. Seconding. I just finalized my divorce (I have full legal custody; he doesn’t have overnights with her until she is 13; I receive limited duration alimony and 50% of all assets [$2M-ish]).

         Our child is now 6 and she is a product of that marriage, so it was absolutely not a failure!

         Also, what has gotten me through the separation and long-ish legal battle was my rock-solid support network (family, friends, therapist, trainer, etc.). When I came home from signing divorce papers in court, I had a room full of flowers, champagne, cookies and chocolate from my best girl friends to greet me. Shore up your people; you will need them in spades.

         1. Congrats! And wow – I have not heard of full physical custody in recent divorces – I would love to hear more about how and why that happened. Did he move away? Have an addiction? Whatever it was, I’m so glad you’re out of it!

            1. Basically I asked, and he gave. He does not live in the U.S. and does not make regular visits here (we moved overseas and decided to get divorced as expats; he was OK with me returning to the U.S.), so it made it easier, I suppose.

      3. That is such good advice! And get to a therapist- you’ll be surprised how helpful it will be for you.

   5. Couple other things: It may be amicable now and hopefully it will stay that way, but make sure you have a war chest of cash to get you through, don’t make concessions without getting legal advice, don’t be too quick to make big decisions.

      I divorced my son’s dad when he was six and although we didn’t always get along perfectly, we co-parented pretty darned well and now, 25 years later, we consider one another family to the point that we spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas together along with my new husband. It’s nice to have that connection to my earlier life, and it’s nice for my son, but every time I see him it also reinforces my decision to divorce him! So it’s a win-win!

   6. I’m about 6 months out from finding out my ex wanted a divorce and 3 months out from the divorce being finalized. It wasn’t amicable and we have no kids, but here are my recent thoughts. It was so, so much harder emotionally than I ever anticipated. He left me, so I didn’t choose it, but it was still harder than I would have thought before I was in the middle of the whole thing. I still have sad days, even though I don’t miss him specifically. I’m also still not 100% at my job– the distraction and depression really affected my work.

      Also, I couldn’t agree more with the poster above who said to shore up your network. My friends, family, and colleagues were completely amazing. I truly don’t think I could have gotten through without them. Do not be ashamed or afraid to lean on people during this really hard time. I stayed with my best friend, and she essentially cooked all my meals for me for an entire week right after it all happened. Others brought me food and little presents and sent notes and texts and helped in other ways that I can’t even name.

      You never know how one particular piece of it will affect you, so be gentle with yourself through the whole process. (Something I’m very much still telling myself…)

3. Hi Ladies, I’m going to Boston in a few weeks for work. I’ll have some afternoons and evenings off and I’m looking for some suggestions for things to do, see & eat. Not the traditional touristy-stuff, most of which I’ve already done. I posted this late last week and got a few really good suggestions, to thanks to those who already commented. I’m posting again hoping for a few more suggestions. TIA…and have a great week!

   1. I really enjoyed The Donkey Show, which is an immersive retelling of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, set in Studio54.

   2. I don’t know if you consider the ICA museum touristy, but it’s small and usually has some interesting exhibits. If you have a car, drive out to the deCordova museum.

   3. Corpor3tt3 meet up for drinks, obviously. :)

      1. Not OP, but as a fellow Bostonian I am in!

         1. There’s a fun improv comedy show in the North End – it’s called Improv Asylum. Went with colleagues and really enjoyed it!

   4. So I’m a big fan of Cambridge. One thing you could do is take the T to Porter Square and walk back in a very very roundabout way to Harvard Square through Avon Hill, getting off Mass Ave via Upland. My favorite thing about the area are the houses, but besides that you could stop by Formaggio Kitchen for a cheese and charcuterie picnic and/or Hi-Rise Bakery for treats. Check out the spite house on the corner of Concord and Appleton. There are some cute shops in that area, including a Marimekko store. You can stop by the Radcliffe quad on the way back, or walk back to Harvard Square along Brattle. For dinner, one of my favs is Giulia for Italian food. Reservations can be hard to come by, but its often possible to sit at the bar and have dinner if dining alone (or with a good book).

      Flour bakery is a local chain with several locations around the city. If you go, get the poptarts and whatever the pizza of the day is (it’s almost always excellent). There’s one near MIT if you wanted to check out the campus and the Infinite Corridor.

      You can also check out Inman Square and Union Square for smaller neighborhoods with great places to eat. The Harvard Art Museum is excellent and do-able in a few short hours. If you like beer, there are some excellent breweries and bars around – Trillium in Fort Point is probably the best in the city, but there are others as well. I could go on and on, but will stop there!

   5. Some of my favorites that are somewhat off the beaten track:
      Mapparium at the Mary Baker Eddy Library.
      Isabela Stuart Gardner Museum.
      Sculpture Garden at the deCordova (it’s out in the burbs).
      Rose Kennedy greenway people watching.
      Take a Duck tour around town or a boat ride in Boston Harbor.
      My favorite restaurant is Lala Rokh (Persian food) in Beacon Hill.

4. Anyone have this suit? I’m looking at the classic blazer, skirt and dress (don’t wear pants). How’s the fabric/fit? I don’t really want it for the machine washable-ness, just need a new suit. I hate cheap thin wool (would rather polyester tbh) but how is this blend? TIA!

   1. I’m not sure about this one specifically but I have found their suit fabrics to be painfully thin and cheap feeling. I was quite shocked actually.

   2. I just received the dress and it’s thin. The sizing was off so can’t comment on fit/how it would look if it fit properly but I have no desire to exchange for a different size. I’d say it’s okay if you get it during their 40 or 50 percent off sale but not a go to suit by any means.

5. I’m visiting NYC in June and the primary reason is to see my friend in Brooklyn, which I love and have been to several times before, but I want to take maybe 2 or 3 days to do some stuff in Manhattan since I haven’t really visited Manhattan since I was a teenager. I’ve already done all the typical touristy stuff like the Statue of Liberty before. What sights would you see if you had a few days to spend?

   1. The new Whitney and a walk along the High Line.

      1. +1

         1. Plus tacos from Los Tacos No. 1 at Chelsea Market or something else delicious from CM when you go.

            I also love some of the smaller museums like the Frick and Neue Gallery (make sure you visit the cafe if you go). Many have special evening hours so it’s fun to go on a Friday night before dinner. And one night I early June all the museums on 5th Avenue (museum mile) stay open late one day and they close down the street to traffic and you can just wander around. The Met also has a rooftop with a special exhibition and a bar in the summer so that’s always fun (open late Friday and Saturday).

            Also check out outdoor movies. Lots of different screenings and it’s super fun – you bring a blanket, a picnic /bottle of wine and sit and enjoy a free screening. Bryant Park does this on mondays but also lots of other options. Similarly, look up the free summer stage concert schedule. Usually lots of outdoor shows in Central Park, Prospect Park, etc. in June. I’m not super into classical music but the NY Philharmonic puts on an except show and usually there are fireworks after. I would generally try to see a show. Early June, you can probably catch free Shakespeare in the Park and without lines, or go to the TKTS booth in BK Heights to see what same day tix are available for Broadway.

   2. None. I like walking around neighborhoods and going to all the cute coffee shops I see on Instagram. In NYC, I love the Maman coffee shops and the neighborhoods they’re in. Oh, I do always go to the International Center of Photography, but I don’t really consider that a sight.

   3. Chelsea market!

   4. The Rubin is a totally underappreciated museum, so I’m guessing you haven’t been there yet! It’s really cool, and there are a bunch of antique stores around it, including a vintage jewelry store. Walking distance from Union Square.

   5. The Cloisters!

   6. I love the Lower East Side Tenement Museum. And there’s a great Vietnamese restaurant down the block called An Choi.

      And big +1 to the High Line.

      1. +1. I went to the tenement museum as a kid and it’s the only thing I remember about NY.

   7. Focus on exploring neighborhoods and doing “outdoors” things. I always recommend high-line, walking Brooklyn bridge, exploring southern part of Central park, 9/11 memorial pools and then a walk over to Brookfield place/Battery City/Battery Park (great views of Statue of Liberty and New Jersey skyline). Check out Grand Banks for a cocktail aboard a (docked) old schooner. The Boat Basin (upper west side) is also nice for a drink in the summer.

      If you’re considering one of the highrise views, I’d suggest World Trade Center over Rockefeller Plaza or Empire State Building. If you do go up to 1WTC, then make sure to go about an hour before sunset and grab a cocktail at the top!

6. What are some of your favorite inspirational, motivational, or generally positive quotes or sayings? I’ve seen some great ones here before and I thought this might be a great way to start our Monday!

   1. “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” – Aristotle

      1. Ohh, I really like this.

   2. “Try to live everyday like Elle Woods after Warner told her that she wasn’t smart enough for law school.”

      I have it printed it out on my push board by my computer.

      1. Never heard this before and totally love it!

   3. There are years that ask questions, and years that answer. Zora Neale Hurston

      The past is always tense, and the future perfect. Zadie Smith

      Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do. Oprah

   4. You can’t miss your own boat.

      You didn’t come this far to only get this far. (I got this from the express – clothing store – instagram and I love it so much despite the source.)

   5. “I don’t spend a lot of time dwelling on the negative. I believe having a good, peaceful mind is the basic premise for a good life.” – Wilma Pearl Mankiller.

   6. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. (Whitman)

      And my work mantra: You can’t fight crazy with logic.

      1. I think I may need to adopt your work mantra!

      2. Sadly your work mantra is my family mantra. It helps.

   7. One of my Favs…
      It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
      I am the master of my fate:
      I am the captain of my soul.

      From “Invictus”
      William Ernest Henley

   8. I’m not afraid of storms, for they are helping me learn how to sail my ship.

   9. I’m not religious, so I interpret “god” in my own way.

      “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

      C.S. Lewis

   10. “I believed that I had conceived the vastest dream of my generation: I wanted to be a magician. That was my idea of glory. Here is a plea based on my whole experience: do not be a magician, be magic.”

       It’s from Leonard Cohen’s Beautiful Losers.

   11. Two from Formation by Beyonce:

       I dream it / I work hard / I grind til I own it.

       and

       Always stay gracious / best revenge is your paper.

       1. Oh and lately, I’ve been having to remind myself at work that “Good enough is good enough.”

   12. Go to bed each night as someone smarter than you were when you woke up

       I love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars- OG Mandino

       1. I started to read the first one as “Go to bed each night WITH someone smarter than you…”

          1. unless he’s got a lot of student debt.

             (joking)

             1. LOL :)

   13. “Life is one Plan B after another.” Flylady

   14. A quote/mantra from Glennon Doyle: “We can do hard things.”

       I repeat to myself whenever I’m feeling daunted by work/life/etc.

   15. You are not intimidating. They are intimidated. There is a difference.

   16. I’m late to the party, but here’s one I read recently that I liked — “If you are going to rise, you might as well shine.”

       And another that I have always liked:

       At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer

7. My boyfriend and I are talking pretty seriously about getting married! I love everything about him… except his six-figure student loan debt. I am very lucky (and very grateful) to not have any debt from either college or law school. His debt is from med school, and unlike law the salary progression of his specialty means that it will be ~8 years before he’s making enough to pay down the principal. I know this will be a controversial statement but the truth is that had I known about the debt before I started dating him, we probably would not have started dating.

   We will definitely have a prenup and potentially separate finances until the loans are gone, but beyond that I’m still very apprehensive about how this will impact our ability to buy a house, have children, take a more meaningful [lower paid] job – things I want in the next few years. Realistically I know that there are many doctors who are in his shoes with stay at home spouses and kids who manage fine, so I shouldn’t be worried but still I’m really nervous.

   Has anyone else considered marrying someone with a vastly different financial picture? Can you offer comfort or advice?

   1. This honestly seems ridiculous to me. Dude is a doctor. He’ll be fine. Not everyone has rich parents.

   2. I’m kind of disgusted that you’re asking to be comforted because you’re marrying a doctor who has some med school debt. You say you feel lucky to not have any law school debt, but you must not feel that lucky if you wouldn’t have considered dating someone (who you are now going to marry!) because they have student debt.

      Good luck finding another (youngish) doctor with no med school debt. A close family friend who is an internist didn’t pay off her med school debt until she was 45.

      1. “Good luck finding another (youngish) doctor with no med school debt.”

         It will be easy for him to find someone who is happy to marry a doctor with student loans (provided he has a good head in his shoulders). It will be hard for her to find a very high earner with no or minimal student loan debt.

      2. Yeah…I’m also disgusted. OP, cut this guy loose so he can find someone who loves him despite his “flaws” (med school debt is not a flaw but a condition, IMO) and doesn’t view him as some kind of consolation prize. He deserves better than you.

   3. You shouldn’t marry someone if you wouldn’t have dated him in the first place.

      1. Yes this! I can’t believe you admit you wouldn’t have dated him had you known this but now you want to MARRY him!

         1. How often does that come up in a first date? It’s very plausible you don’t know about the amount of someone’s debt til you’ve, well, known them for a while.

            1. If you know they’re in med school then you know there’s a good chance they’re in a lot of debt.

            2. Perhaps not a first date, but I am very upfront and open about my law school SL debt and not wanting kids. I am also clear about the fact that it is MY debt. I am a professional woman who owns a house and has a stable career. I don’t want to waste my time or anyone else’s. If my SL debt is a problem for someone, I don’t need to go on a second/third/fourth date. Take me as I am or don’t.

            3. It’s either a deal breaker for you, in which case you ask about it early on and/or break up with the person when you do find out, or it’s not a deal breaker, in which case you need to let it go. You can’t have it both ways.

         2. In fairness, there are many things on paper that would cause me to not want to date someone but wouldn’t matter if I met them and liked them in person. I think this is why it’s so hard to date online – you can just write someone off for liking a dumb movie whereas IRL you would have gotten invested in the person long before you found out they have seen Goodfellas 147 times. What we want/need isn’t always what we think we should want/have.

            That said, unless OP is now thinking, ‘boy am I glad I didn’t know about the debt so I could get to know this great guy I want to marry even if, sure, it’d be easier if he was as privileged as I was to graduate with no loans,’ maybe reconsider the marriage here.

      2. AMEN

         Also medicine is one of the most stable professions out there – he will pretty much always have a job.

         1. Right!

            Like I am in BigLaw, but if I switched jobs, I could easily make what I pay in taxes today.

            For my healthcare friends, if they move a county over, the pay for an RN or radiologist or GP isn’t likely to change much. And unlike lawyers, they are pretty much always employable. Try being a lawyer in 2010 with no job and six figures in debt and the jobs you maybe can get are ones that pay less than BigLaw secretaries make (who have no loans and have been working FT since they were 20ish).

            Med debt is about the only debt I can stomach. At least dude doesn’t have a PhD in an obscure history and is working as a substitute teacher hoping to land 2-3 adjunct teaching gigs someday.

            1. “At least dude doesn’t have a PhD in an obscure history and is working as a substitute teacher hoping to land 2-3 adjunct teaching gigs someday.”

               I see you know my brother.

            2. Anon at 10:43 – is he single? I’d totally date a well-educated guy who loves nothing more than Thinking about Interesting Things and also has time on his hands to maybe pick up my dry cleaning if it’s not too much trouble thx.

            3. I’ve long thought that women here could run a matchmaking service (although it would work better if most commenters used a regular handle and not Anon).

            4. @ 11:45, he is not at the moment but I’ll keep you in mind for the future. :)

      3. I would gladly pay $100k to find The One. I’m really perplexed by the idea of student loans as a dealbreaker.

      4. +1. If his debt would have been a dealbreaker for you, why do you want to marry him now?

   4. I find it strangely hilarious that on the one hand you’re so judgy about his loans that you insist on a pre-nup and separate finances and yet on the other hand you are waiting for him to get rich so you can lean out and get a lower paying job. Look, you can be a financially independent woman who doesn’t deal with anyone’s debt or you can rely on your rich doctor hubby for a cushy life, but that comes with years of frugality while he pays his debt. You can’t really have it both ways.

      1. +1. LOL @ OP.

      2. Yep, well said.

      3. This. You can’t really take a position where the debts are his but the earnings enabled by those debts are household. (Well, you could, but I don’t feel like it would make for a great marriage.)

      4. Hey now, there’s a third option: younger trophy wife for a doctor who’s already paid off his debt

      5. “yet on the other hand you are waiting for him to get rich so you can lean out and get a lower paying job.”

         Yes, someone else noticed this!!

      6. I don’t think she said she wanted him to get rich so she could get a lower-paying job. I read that as she was concerned (IMO, a bit unreasonably) about getting stuck in her current job because she was supporting his loans.

         1. She definitely included her getting a lower paying job as one of the things she wants that would be “delayed” by his loans.

            I just truly do not understand how this is news to her on the eve of an engagement. OP… where have you been? You knew he was in med school, right? Did he never mention loans? (Unlikely). Even if he didn’t, did he otherwise seem like a trust fund baby to you? Did you not understand that med school was expensive? The fact that you want *comfort* here just kills me.

            Normally the advice to **~StArT a GrAtiTuDe JoUrNaL~** makes me cringe, but maybe you should.

   5. I was in this situation as loan-burdened partner. I will tell you that when I offered to do a pre-nup regarding my debt, my now-husband scoffed and told me that going forward we would be a team. It was one of the most meaningful moments of our relationship. He has never made me feel like I am a drag on our partnership because of finances. If I fret about it, he tells me that I bring other things to the table, which is true. If my husband ever expressed that he wouldn’t have gotten involved with me because of my debt, I would be devastated If you can’t enter into a marriage with your boyfriend confident and joyful about what each of you is bringing to the table, I don’t think you should get married. Not even because of the financial aspects but because you are looking down on him, as if his value as a person and a partner is less than yours. Going into a marriage with that mindset is just asking for misery and heartbreak down the road.

      1. +1 my husband worked weekends and holidays (on top of working his regular 40 hours a week) doing electrical work in a meat packing plant so we could make bigger loan payments on my law school loans WHEN WE WERE ENGAGED. We were living together and decided when we got engaged (and made the decision to get married) that we were a team and were going to approach our lives as a team.

      2. Yeah, I like the team approach. I supported my husband during three years of grad school and we have lived a very minimalist lifestyle to pay off his large student debts (he’s also in healthcare). It hasn’t been easy and sometimes I resent his debts, but marriage is about the long-term view. His debts are an investment in our future. I will also benefit from his income and career. He has told me that he would support me if I ever wanted to go back to school or had a dream I wanted to fulfill. It is a two way street. Once you start getting territorial over money, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of arguments. I’m not saying that you don’t need to keep thinking about it rationally, but remember what marriage is about – sharing a life together.

      3. +1
         I came into our relationship with some debt. My undergrad debt was $50k. My now husband had no debt. When I brought it up as a concern, he said, as a team, we tackle it together. We did and now I’m only a payment or two away from no student loans.

      4. +1
         I am a doctor and had low 6 figures debt when we met and got married and am still paying it off (graduated 10 years ago but on track to pay off in 5 years, way ahead of projected 30).
         Loans are pretty much the norm for med school. This is in no way like credit card debt or gambling debt. It’s an investment.

         My late husband had zero debt and when I offered to sign a prenup he refused.

         If you aren’t prepared to finance all those things (house, kids, lower paying job) on your own, you have no business expecting him to do it for you.

         oh and btw– I’m widowed, pay my mortgage in a HCOL area, support my child including private school and have a career at the top end of the earning scale for doctors. But I would gladly pay any amount of money or give up our 7 figure house to have more time with my husband. If you can’t feel like that about your future spouse, he deserves to know and take whatever action he thinks is appropriate.

         1. I’m so sorry for your loss.

            You go girl…

         2. I am so sorry for your loss.

   6. Respectfully, I think it may be hard for people to offer you comfort because his finances sound typical for a doctor and your worry is a bit out of the norm. Also it doesn’t seem that he’s in a vastly different financial picture, he is set to be a high earner with a school loan payment. If you often worry about stuff like this, maybe therapy will help?

   7. Break up with him because he deserves someone who accepts all of him, the good and the “bad.” Then go find someone else whose wealthy parents paid for their higher education.

      1. +10000000

   8. I got engaged to someone with 6 figure law school debt who was stuck in a dead end, super low paying non-profit job (and because it was non-profit, his law school was putting money towards his payments). It definitely freaked me out for a while and I felt really guilty that it was impacting my comfort in committing to him. I’m not sure how much the following applies to your situation, but this is what helped me:

      -He’s really responsible with money, so he was able to walk me through his entire payment plan; I understood we’d never be underwater, even if it took years and years to pay off

      -The low paying/dead end job was another story, and something he had been avoiding dealing with, so we started talking pretty intensively about career paths and progression (even though it made him uncomfortable) and he made a concentrated effort to job hunt. He recently got something better with more money and plenty of growth potential, and suddenly the student debt seems like much less of a big deal! Lives and careers are long.

      -This was important: he absolutely INSISTED that the debt was his and his alone. He said that even if we join finances and lives in other ways, taking on 6 figures of debt to pursue his own education was his choice and it would inevitably cause resentment if I shouldered any of it. Basically, he says he’s got it, and I know he’s telling the truth, so I don’t have to worry or factor it into my own calculations at all.

      1. Respectfully, your last paragraph is a little naive. If you marry someone with a lot of debt, that IS going to affect you, as OP correctly describes. His income has to go to paying off the debt. So you get sort of the worst of both worlds (being single vs. partnered) – you don’t get the benefit of (much of) his income, but he still has a say in big picture decisions like where to live. And that’s not even getting into retirement accounts.

         So the concern is, you’re putting in all this financial investment up front with the promise that it’ll even out over the long term. But life happens, divorce happens, and that investment might not pan out like you’d hoped. OP has to decide whether the risk is worth it; no one here can tell her that.

         1. That’s a good point, and my approach may not apply to her situation (we have a stable and affordable living situation, he has a loan forgiveness program, I have no desire to ‘lean out,’ etc.) but I think it can sometimes work when there are imbalances like this. I guess marriage is always a leap of faith that the choice you’re making up front will even out long term… there’s always the chance of divorce, sickness, job loss, etc.

   9. This level of debt is pretty common among doctors. Depending on his specialty, he may be able find a medical center job that offers loan repayment as part of the compensation package. If he goes this route, understand very clearly what the repayment obligations are if he leaves early. Also, things like “doctor loans” exist for mortgages.

   10. If your boyfriend has significant credit card debt from frivolous spending, that would be one thing. In that case, I think it would be rational to be worried about what that would mean about our future financial security if he wasn’t responsible with money. However, he has medical school debt. Every doctor I know had to take a mountain of loans. This doesn’t make them financial irresponsible and, considering their earnings potential, it really shouldn’t be a big deal in the long run. You were lucky enough to either get a scholarship or have rich parents, not everyone is so lucky. You really should express these thoughts to your boyfriend so he knows what he is getting into.

   11. Most Americans have significant student loan debt, don’t marry doctors, and still manage to get married and have children. Eight years till he’s paid off the principal? I’m 9 years out and will probably be paying for another 20.

       Can I take him if you don’t want him?

       1. To be fair, I didn’t read the OP as saying the debt would be gone in 8 years, but rather that it will be 8 years until he can even start paying down the principal.

   12. I married someone with a LOT of credit card debt, whereas I had always lived my life frugally and within my means. When we got engaged, we sat down together and decided we were a team – his debts, income, expenses were mine and vice versa. With our combined income, we tackled his debt and paid it off within a year. We still have individual bank accounts but for the most part, we are a team. That’s just how we view marriage and in my opinion, our relationship is better off for it. My opinion is this… if you really want to build a life with this man, rely on him as the father of your future children and for him to support you while you lean out, you need to support him now by viewing it as YOUR debt and making a plan with him about how to best pay it off. Yes, using some of your money. It’s unfair for you to get all of the benefits and not sacrifice anything to help get there.

   13. No comfort. You’re a victim of your own willful ignorance and your reliance in your life for other people to pay your way. No debt from college or law school = parents or scholarships paid your way. You saw “doctor” with stars in your eyes dreaming of a cushy life of SAHM, parties, nonprofit job without 1) thinking about how the vast majority of doctors have debt, your fault for not asking, and 2) somehow without thinking you would make any kind of sacrifice to work for the life you want to build.

       I’m sorry, you don’t deserve him. No good marriage starts on “what’s mine is mine, and what’s his is ours”. I’m sorry, you’ve made me angry too early in the morning with your entitlement and laziness.

       1. this. a million times.

       2. +100000.

       3. +1000000.

       4. I don’t think this is entirely fair, based on the information OP provided. It’s not clear at all whether by “leaning out” she means she expected him to support her in a lower paying career, or whether she’s concerned that by joining their finances she might get stuck in a higher-paying job she wants to leave because she’s partially supporting him.

       5. You sound resentful and envious that you have debt and she doesn’t.

          1. Who said anyone commenting above has debt? I get you may have sympathy if you also had not debt like OP (see how I didn’t make assumptions there using an if), but that is irrelevant to the point of expecting others around you to make your life financially easier while acting like a Grinch with your own earnings. Besides, it’s common knowledge that that debt is premarital debt so she wouldn’t get it in a separation anyway.

   14. Spend some time considering what marriage is and why you want it. You don’t marry someone just because you love him and all your friends are getting married so I guess it’s time. Marriage is about love, yes, but it’s also a business partnership. You will be running the financial business of your lives and household together. That’s kind of the point.

       If you don’t want to do that with this person, then don’t get married. There’s nothing wrong with living together indefinitely. Get your wills, life insurance, whatever else you need to do to take care of each other in the event of disability or death, and call it a day.

   15. What if he had no debt, and then 6 years into your marriage, he had a medical emergency that required going into six figures of debt? Would that be his medical emergency, not yours, so therefore that would be his debt, not yours?

       If you’re getting married, you’re going to be a team. You can’t look at it as a system in which each person has to contribute exactly 50% of everything and incur no more than 50% of the expenses or it’s not going to work.

   16. You can’t have a marriage if you’re going to pretend like his loans have nothing to do with you. You can’t buy a house, you can’t raise kids, you can’t plan retirement, you can’t be a team. Separate finances, especially drastically different ones, do not work. That is not marriage. If you don’t want to make that commitment, don’t.

   17. Thank goodness my spouse still decided to marry me even though I had more school debt than he did. We made a plan together (Dave Ramsey) and worked the plan until we paid it off. There were no “his” and “my” finances, it was all “ours”. It can be done if you work a plan together. I would suggest not holding a grudge either. This is something that you sometimes have to do for your spouse.

       1. My husband and I are doing Dave Ramsey and can see the light at the end of the tunnel-ish! I went to law school and undergrad with zero debt. He has a ton of debt, partly from bad choices and slacking, and only an undergrad degree, though once debts are paid, I think he would likely work on a masters in his field.

          He works in the non-profit sector (and gets paid accordingly). He is my best friend and the love of my life (and busted his butt to put me through law school).

          I would marry him twenty times over, even if he had more debt. Why? Because we are a hell of a team and we knew that once we got married, we were going to do this together. Even if “this” meant six-figure debt that was not mine.

   18. Have you talked about this with your guy?

   19. If this is a big deal for you, and it sounds like it is, don’t marry him. It’s not fair to either of you.

   20. If you love everything about him except his debt, you need to ask yourself whether it’s something you’re willing to accept. If it isn’t, then you need to move on because that debt isn’t going to miracously disappear, and there’s very little he can do to change it. His student loans are part of the package, and you have to decide whether it’s something you can accept.

       If what you want is to insulate yourself completely from his finances until the debt is paid off, then you should really consider why you are getting married right now. What is it about marriage that appeals to you if you don’t want any connection to his finances?

   21. I don’t know how many of the comments on this topic come from people posting simply to make trouble, or from one person using different names to make trouble, but I wouldn’t take all these comments at face value.

       Signed,
       Editor who is very good at detecting tone and voice, which makes her good at t r o l l spotting

       1. LOL that you think you have some super power. You don’t.

          There are a number of comments saying similar things because there is clearly a right response to this ridiculous question.

          1. I thought Editor was referring to the original post and its ilk that regularly appear here, not the replies. I didn’t think the original post passed the sniff test either.

       2. Yeah, the OP never again weighing in on the discussion always leaves me suspicious. But, I also don’t get the appeal of posting just to watch things burn.

   22. I agree with most of the comments so far.

       From a practical standpoint, I’m not sure you need a prenup. It would depend on the terms of the loan, but usually, the debt stays with the person who took the student loan. There are exceptions, so if you’re serious, consult an attorney about whether a prenup is necessary. (And if your boyfriend gets an attorney, which he should, you may get excluded from his future earnings.)

       As for your lifestyle, his lack of income while training is going to affect your life style more than his debt. But plenty of residents and fellows have children and buy houses. It’ll be tight for a while. But let’s say you get married in 1 year, and wait 1 year to TTC, and get pregnant right away, and have a kid 3 years from today. (That’s a pretty aggressive time frame.) If your husband’s training will last 8 years (what is this specialty?), then by the time your oldest child is in kindergarten, your husband will be a doctor in a high-demand specialty …making, what, $650K? More? The debt will be a non-issue.

       1. +1 I wouldn’t be worried about this, personally, because his earning potential is (presumably, based on what you’ve said) not at all out of proportion to his student loans. It is true that you will have a lower standard of living for awhile than someone in your current profession married to a doctor with no student loans (if such a person exists) – but I doubt his loans are going to make it impossible for you to have kids.

          Have you talked about this honestly with him?

   23. I’m on your side. You do not want to inherit his debt. Long-term you’d be better off with a plumber who has no debt. If you are going to resent it get out now before it’s too late.

       1. wut.

   24. You shouldn’t marry him. Has he matched and in residency? Are you prepared to move all over to go with him for wherever his training will be? Are you going to end the pre-nup after the loans are done and/or when he’s making attending level money???

   25. This is me and my husband. I have no debt law and he has tons medical. I bought our first house and now we just sold it and are buying another. He is now the primary bread winner where I used to be. There are also mortgages just for drs depending on your state allowing for minimal down and no pmi. I married mine when in Med school and I was just out of law on his spring break with no rings. Never looked back. Been 10 years and now two kids later. Life throws a ton of curve balls. Even if I knew all the bad stuff I would marry him again in a second.

8. Rant. Finally my extremely elderly parents (94 and 83) are ready to consider assisted living, following some health crises. They were completely independent until the last 6-12 months but now rapidly going downhill physically (mentally ok). I’m upset because they left it far too long; I’ve been trying to convince them to get a better housing situation for 10-15 years so I’m probably unrealistically annoyed at them. As a complication I have 3 special needs kids of my own in addition to a full time job. Realistically they are going to need a lot of help from me/my husband and my brother and SIL, who also work full time and are out of state. Finances aren’t an issue and they have always bent over backward not to burden us kids, so I know this isn’t an actual crisis, but appreciate the opportunity to vent. Also any advice for convincing stubborn yet indecisive people to make big decisions…

   1. Oh Lord, I went through this with my parents. My father probably would have lived several years longer if he had moved into assisted living earlier, instead of suffering several falls on the various sets of stairs in their house. My mother has dementia and was wandering all over the universe and getting lost for whole days (police called to look for her on numerous occasions) before we successfully moved her. The day we moved my mother was the second worst day of my life, it was so stressful and heartbreaking.

      All I can say is, this is SO hard. You have all my sympathy. On the bright side, now that my mother is settled in assisted living, things have been much calmer and easier for a while. She is very happy (surprisingly, since she strenuously resisted it and has never acknowledged her dementia). I’m glad you say money is not an issue because your parents will be able to get good care. The transition is the hardest part but once they are moved you will probably find that life gets calmer. In the meantime, grit your teeth and try to find ways to make your life easier and get support for yourself. Good luck and all the best.

   2. My sympathies to you. This is so hard. But I came to the conclusion some time ago that it is not a good nor sane idea to think that you can make any mentally competent adults do what you think is best for them. It truly is a recipe for making yourself incredibly stressed and crazy with frustration. What you can do is help them see choices and realize that there is no good way to see what the future holds – and realize that it is unlikely to have a pretty ending. You will have to pick up the pieces when it all goes to H#&^ but the struggle before that point is just not worth it. Unless there are immediate safety or health consequences for their choices (or lack thereof), stand back. If finances aren’t an issue, get professional help for parents to deal with the current situation as it sounds like you have your hands full. So sorry you are dealing with this.

      1. Thank you for this reminder.

   3. Thanks for both replies. I guess it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I will definitely hire help with their move (whenever that is) and we’re fortunate that they’re mentally both ok at the moment. Fun times ahead…

      1. I know you’re being sarcastic, but here’s the part you get to choose. When the *&^% hits the fan it will be no fun. Trust me, I’ve been there and done that with my parents and still have it to look forward to with my in laws. But the difference is you can choose to make it no fun RIGHT NOW as well if you think you can or should be managing their choices. Deal with your own full plate now and don’t borrow trouble with your parents’ situation until health or safety are at issue. Throw money at it and don’t feel guilty. Because I know we’re all supposed to be smart, savvy, do-it-all-for everyone women – but it isn’t possible or at all healthy for YOU! As the saying goes, you gotta put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Good luck….

      2. Often Assisted living facilities work with individuals/companies that do the whole move process for you. They help sort “the stuff”, plan what will fit in the new apartment, do the packing/move/unpacking, and deal with all the little stresses. So talk with their admission folks for advice.

         Yes, you and sibs will need to fly out there to facilitate. Do you have a facility in mind already? If so (and if not), hire a care management person/company to help find the best place, arrange other needs etc… Can be very helpful if you live far away.

         Honestly, I am totally impressed your parents made it this far independently. Your situation is not uncommon. My parents refused to plan as well, but they were hit by devastating illness in their 6o’s. There’s only so much you can do.

         You are so, so, so, so lucky they have good finances to cover this. So use that money to make your life easier. Hire the case managers etc.. It will get better. And remember – you are still incredibly lucky. These transitions take time no matter what stage of life they happen, and it sounds like your parents are totally in a mess now. So it will work out. They have already agreed to move, and this is the hardest step.

         I have been caregiving for 10 years, with no end in site that doesn’t involve death, and the only other option is a Medicaid Nursing Home with not enough money to pay for the additional help needed even in a Home.

         It will work out.

         1. Sorry – it sounds like your parents are incredible and not in a mess right now.

            Honestly, there is no GOOD time for this transition to happen, for you. But it could be much, much worse. Amazing both parents are cognitively intact at their age and willing to move…. amazing….. you are so so so so lucky.

            And you are so so so lucky to have two living parents so long in your life. Don’t forget that. These last years will be fleeting.

            1. I agree, I’m super lucky and it could be much, much worse. Appreciate everyone’s advice and input.

      3. You probably know this, but there are companies that specialize in these kinds of moves. I hired one when I had to move my parents into assisted living and it was the best money I spent.

   4. I know this is hard, but also maybe take some time to think about what YOUR boundaries are, and what level of care you can actually provide them. Three special needs kids is drain enough on your energy and mental state – and your first priority is to them. Your parents are ADULTS who are mentally okay and able to comprehend that you cannot shortchange your children (and running yourself ragged trying to be everything to everyone will most certainly shortchange your kids) just to help your parents. If you must, sit them down and say “Your decisions are your own to make, but know that I can only give you 7 hours of help a week. One hour a day. You now need more than that, and my family cannot be the answer. Please know that it’s not because I don’t love you, but because I am obligated to take care of the kids I brought into this world. I’m telling you this now so it can factor into your decision making. Thanks for understanding. Let me know how I can help you, but it will have to be within that 7 hours a week.”

      1. +1

         Don’t forget that the reason you’re moving them into assisted care is just for that…assistance.

      2. This is true, and my parents certainly don’t want me to run myself ragged. However, just this morning my mom was telling me she can’t look into assisted living until she takes care of the inspection of one of their cars and the oil change for the other – and I was beside myself with frustration because they barely drive anymore (which is good) and the car which needs inspection is basically ready for donation anyway. I get that they’re fixating on keeping their lives as normal as possible but I can’t deal with them wasting time on tasks that aren’t needed.

         1. I can’t tell where you are in this process, but someone is probably going to have to take a firm hand in setting the schedule for this now that they’ve agreed to the idea. Can someone get the information and schedule a tour for the 3 top choice facilities? Your parents aren’t going to have the best executive functioning and emotional bandwidth to take charge of this situation. They will drag their feet and get overwhelmed. Setting a schedule of you will move by x date is going to be hard in the short term, but you will be happier in the long term to have it done with. Unless you absolutely have to do otherwise, wait to sell the house/cars until after they have gotten moved and settled.

            1. This is good advice. Thanks!

            2. Yes. Do this.

               I was, in hindsight, luck in that when the time came for my parents they were both hospitalized and unable to participate so it just all fell on me. It was horrible (I mean, “I’ve been divorced twice and this is worth than either divorce” horrible) but at least I was able to make decisions and make it happen on my own timeline.

         2. I get that you’re frustrated and venting, but have you, at some point, looked at this from their perspective? It doesn’t sound like you have a lot of empathy for what they’re going through. This is a huge, scary, transition where they’re giving up a lot of control over their lives. A car, especially, is a symbol of independence. I agree with people up-thread saying you need to set boundaries, but I think it would really helpful to center their goals during the time you have for them. If they’re still mentally capable it doesn’t sound like you should push them into anything.

            1. Thanks for the reminder to be empathetic. I am probably overly concerned – delaying a move a few weeks or months probably won’t make or break anything, but having watched them take 10 years (no joke) picking out new kitchen flooring, I don’t have high hopes that things will move quickly enough to keep up with their declining health.

   5. So my mom and her boyfriend live in an independent living place but have started to decline (79 and 89) — her decline is dementia, depression, lack of mobility; he’s just 89 and old. They were both very resistant to outside help until I finally forced it on them — caregiver 8 hours a day. And now they love it. Its been hard because I live the closest (still 2 plus hours away) so have to spend time on the phone and arranging, but its way better knowing they have people there every day to check on them. And my out of town siblings have each come once to do what they can. One of my kids has been very needy and I’m absolutely torn on the weekends between going to see my mother and taking care of that kid. These are hard times. Hang in.

   6. Just went through something similar. Hugs. It was so freaking hard for a few months, but parent is settling in and it’s getting easier.

      My parent refused assisted living until a fall that turned assisted living into a necessity. Parent would have been better off going to assisted living earlier and avoiding the fall. So, no advice on persuading stubborn people—sometimes it just has to get worse before it gets better. It’d be good if you have an assisted living facility in mind (and vetted!) so you can move your parents right from a crisis situation, like a hospitalization, to assisted living.

      It’s so hard to see a parent struggle, but you can’t be a full-time caregiver given your other obligations. This internet stranger gives you permission to turn off your phone (assuming that’s how they reach out for help) and spend time with your kids/work a full day/sometimes get a few minutes to breathe.

   7. “Also any advice for convincing stubborn yet indecisive people to make big decisions…”

      My life motto: indecision IS a decision, and is usually one of the worst decisions you can make.

      As for moving at assisted living: doing that is like leaving a dysfunctional workplace in which your boss has it out for you. You either develop a plan to leave rationally and on your own terms, or you leave when forced out… in a big huge mess made worse by the suddenness of it and all the emotions that go with being forced into this huge change. If that analogy doesn’t work for your parents, find one that does.

      1. This times a million.

         We actually had a discussion about this several years before the crisis came, when there was a smaller crisis. My parents lived in a small condo that was too small for a caregiver, so the discussion was about going to assisted living, or at least moving someplace with room for a caregiver. They discussed it between themselves and announced “Our plan is to be carried out of this place feet first!” In other words, their plan was to have no plan.

         I tell them now that the flaw in their plan is that they failed to specify that when they were carried out of their place feet first, they were not dead at the time…

         1. We’ve had smaller crises, but my parents always came home and were like “see, we’re FINE now” which may be true but fine at 82 or 92 is not the same as actually “fine”. Thanks for responding SA, I remembered your story and everything you went through.

            It’s not like I didn’t try to push them before but at least they’re receptive now.

   8. There’s a company in my area that helps elderly people transition to their next living situation. It’s two women, one of whom used to be the social worker who would go into homes and conduct medicaid evaluations to determine if the people could get medicaid benefits in their home. They work with all of the facilities (NHs and assist living) in the area and get a commission from the home when they place someone there. They set up the appointments, take the clients through the tours, and help evaluate the options. Because they know all the directors of the facilities, they can help a client get into a facility if the client is on the edge. They are basically paid to be the caregiver daughter helping to guide the parent through the process (it’s always the daughter).

      I work in TE and we refer clients to this company all of the time.

      1. What is this type of service called? We are going to need exactly this soon and I don’t even know what to search for.

         1. Choice Connections – it’s a national chain. I can’t speak to the franchise generally, could only recommend the local people we know.

9. Splurging on Stuart Weitzman boots changed my life; wearing such high quality shoes was a revelation, as I’m used to hobbling around on hurting feet. I’ve decided I need ballet flats that feel just as good.

   I don’t want to pay the same amount for flats as I did for over the knee boots, but I’m done cheaping out at the cost of my poor feet. Any suggestions? I know Ferragamo is a classic, but their ballet flats costs as much as my boots! Any suggestions in the <$150 range?

   1. Ballet flats are notoriously bad for the feet. Have you tried the typical not-too-ugly comfort brands, like Clarks? Maybe Vionic?

      1. For some reason Clarks haven’t worked for me. Easy Spirit does, but I’m hoping to find something a little more fashion forward. Never heard of Vionic, but I’ll look into them!

         I just want pointy-toed flat-ish shoes, and some loafers. Maybe ballet flats is a misnomer.

         1. Have you tried Cole Haan? They don’t work for me since they seem to be made with a wide heel, but maybe they’ll work for you.

         2. I wouldn’t say they’re exactly fashion forward, but Dansko has some pretty cute oxford style flats that I’ve had my eye on for a while. And all of the Dansko shoes I own are exquisitely comfortable.

            1. I’ve had decent luck with Rockport flats (I believe they’re the Adelyn Ballet Flat). There’s some cushioning – I’d prefer a bit more arch support personally, but perhaps worth consideration. The quality so far has been pretty solid.

   2. I have heard Taryn Rose is the ultimate in comfort, but they’re pricey too. And a coworker swears by the comfort of Tory Burch flats.

      1. I have some Taryn Rose flats and honestly they are not that comfortable. I do fine with cheap ballet flats usually but wanted to step things up and am not impressed.

      2. Tory Burch flats are super comfortable for me. As are Cole Haan.

      3. TB flats are NOT comfortable to me. At all.

         1. Me neither. They are pretty much like going barefoot. I have three pairs because I was so, so determined to like them. I am now gradually replacing them with other brands because I finally accepted the fact that they have no support and are NOT. GOOD. SHOES.

            1. So, the thing I love about them is that they feel like I am barefoot. I guess support is not high on my list of priorities for comfort…

   3. This is slightly out of your price range but not by much…Paul Mayer shoes. They are more on the casual side of ballet flats, but they have great support and are AMAZINGLY comfortable. I wear them on vacation walking around all day all the time.

   4. Cole Haan StudioGrand? Haven’t worn the style personally, but have several pairs of the Tali wedges in my closet.

   5. Cole Haan. Look for previous years’ styles to save a nice chunk of change.

   6. I have a number of Cole Haan flats, and they’re fine but if you’re looking for arch support they are not your shoes. Rockport makes significantly more comfortable flats, IMHO, though they don’t have as many style options as Cole Haan tends to.

      1. Rockport and Cobb Hill (which is owned by Rockport).

   7. AGLs. Figure out your size, then purchase on eBay.

      1. seconded

   8. I really like BeautiFeel. They are a bit more expensive but super comfy and supportive.

   9. Semi-related question – has anyone had good results by adding inserts to shoes with little/no arch support? What brand(s) would you recommend?

      1. I add plain ol’ Dr. Scholls inserts to all my shoes. I get the kind that have the hard arch supports. They seem to work pretty well.

      2. I have a pair of vionic 3/4 insoles that I like for dress shoes, but they don’t work in every shoe.

   10. The only really comfy flats I’ve found are Gentle Souls. I have pointy toed SW flats and they aren’t good for walking at all. I call them my ‘I’m not trying too hard dressy shoes’.

   11. I can’t believe I’m going to write this, but after trying many many luxury brands Rothy’s (the ones from the facebook ads) are the best I own, to the point where I just got a second pair

       1. +1 debating buying my fourth in black point. I already own 3 pairs of the point in colors and they are my go-to commute shoe. I think I just don’t need as much arch support as many folks on this board.

10. I just chopped up a random piece of tangled hair this morning while running to work. Anyone here ever dealt with straight hair that gets really tangled and knotty. I’ve medium length fine straight hair and really don’t know why it gets so tangled and what I can do to avoid or fix.

    1. Deep conditioner. Your hair is probably getting tangled/knotted because it’s dry/split and catching on itself. Deep condition + hair oil (primarily on the ends of the hair) to rehydrate/moisturize/whatever and smooth the cuticle will help with that.

       Though, depends on the extent of the dryness, you best best may be just to trim a few inches to the healthier hair and maintain (with conditioner, etc) from there.

    2. You can use a spray on serum thing (like It’s a 10) or one of those split end serums on the bottom of your hair only if it gets too tangled while you’re combing it out. They’ll give it enough slip.

    3. There’s a brush that my fine haired friends love called the tangled teezer or something like that. Might be helpful for you?

    4. My hair is similar to yours and was badly snarled again and again for weeks – deep conditioning was a temporary fix, but eventually I had to get it trimmed to just above shoulder length, and maintain it religiously.

    5. It’s catching on itself. You need 1) a good trim and 2) silicone based conditioner to help with slip and to lay down your split/rough hair shaft until you can slowly trim the damage. A silicone post wash/pre dry serum will help too. I small amount of Biosilk rubbed on your hair after wash would do wonders in the short term.

    6. My hair gets impossibly tangled when if I sleep with it down. I grew it out a bit so it’s long enough to twist on top of my head for bed. I also got a silk pillowcase hoping it wouldn’t ‘catch’ my hair and get it so tangled, though I’m not sure how much that helped.

    7. I’ve always had like silky, mermaid hair. I could tie it in a knot and then it would just slip out. It could not be teased. Shocking no one, dying my hair rainbow damaged it. And I got tangles exactly like you were describing. I cut it off to a long-bob length, basically getting rid of all the damage, and it’s back to its lovely self.

    8. I put a tiny drop of Hask brand hair oil (available at Ulta) on the ends immediately after I turn off the shower. Then I wrap my hair in a towel. Seems to do the trick most days.

11. I’m a complete novice in this area. I’m familiar with Emily Henderson, but that’s about it! Thanks!

    1. I like the Design Sponge house tours.

    2. Apartment Therapy, both the blog and IG.

    3. Elements of Style. I also enjoy following many designers on Instagram, in particular Mark Sikes and Sarah Bartholomew.

    4. Chris Loves Julia and Yellow Brick Home

    5. I love House of Turquoise. They all start to look alike after a while but still drool-worthy if you like that aesthetic.

       I love Jonathan Adler on IG.

12. Do you think Trump will fire Mueller? and if he does, do you think Republicans will allow it?

    1. Yes and yes.

       1. You’re probably right. I just canNOT believe this is the world we’re living in. This is insanity.

       2. Yep.

    2. Yes and yes.

    3. FYI, there are protests planned for the day of, or day after if the firing is late at night, if Mueller is fired. I think MoveOn is coordinating them. trumpisnotabovethelaw.org

       1. Yeah I think that, if that happens, it’ll be pretty crucial for us all to take to the streets.

          1. Whenever I hear people say this I have to think “Where have you BEEN?” We’ve bee protesting since the day after the inauguration. What will be different about the Mueller firing?

             (Nothing personal against you Rainbow Hair)

             1. Yeah I’ve been out there, too, starting with the first Muslim ban.

                Just saying, people are discouraged with protesting/everything, and it’s getting so … frog in the pot of boiling water, I guess?… that I hope that if certain acute events happen, that will maybe cause people to jump out of that pot? Not the best metaphor, but you know what I mean.

    4. Yes they would allow it. But I don’t think it’s that simple. He can’t just fire Mueller, so he has to fire the AG or Rosenstein and replace them with someone who will fire Mueller and that person then needs a stated reason to do it. It’s not inconceivable that this will happen or that it will at least be attempted but it’s not like he can just tweet ‘you’re fired’ in this situation. So in short if he does, we ‘re looking at a legit constitutional crisis. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mueller has a plan for this possibility. Trump has gotten away with things because the GOP allows it, not because he is some sort of genius. Bob Mueller is a savvy guy. I don’t know that his ultimate conclusion will add up to anything that the left hopes for or expects but I wouldn’t assume anything just because he is not leaking or making any statements.

    5. Dumb question from a non-attorney: what happens to the evidence from the investigation if Mueller does get fired? The evidence just sits there and those tax dollars just go down a sinkhole?

       1. I’m not a lawyer but the evidence will be kept with the rest of his team I think. Firing Mueller certainly won’t stop the many state investigations (particularly New York’s).

13. If anyone is interested in meeting up Sat morning in DC to go to the March, email me. email is pjwalshtx at yahoo. I live in Dallas but am going to be in Maryland for 2 weeks starting on Wed. Anyone want to get a corporette group together?

14. Help! I need an outfit for a last minute evening event this Friday and am struggling with what to pair with this dress (which is my best thought so far…) (http://a.co/cffXCYJ) – I’m looking for some sort of jacket type thing. The formality is questionable here (and there are likely to only be two women so we’re both trying to generally coordinate and it’s stressful!) but we’re aiming for somewhere around cocktail or slightly under that.

    I’m tall and pale if it helps! TIA!

    1. Do you need to cover your shoulders? Because if you don’t, I’d say rock it as is with some really fancy metallic shoes. Otherwise, I find that CK makes reliable shrugs, including in gold.

    2. I have worn my MM LaFleur jardigan over cocktail dresses before for events. I think they look nicer and more modern than wearing a shrug or evening jacket, which always seem kind of dowdy.

       1. Would that work for larger shoulders and biceps? To Rainbow Hair, yes, I want to cover my shoulders.

          1. Nope, the Jardigan is for the narrow of shoulder.

15. Hi all, looking for some help with staying organized at home. I have ADD and am finding it hard to stay on top of keeping my house tidy. There’s two ways in particular this manifests: 1) clothes do not make it into dresser/closet after being washed; and 2) “action items” like dishes, bills, and things to be returned sit for longer than I would prefer them to.

    I basically operate out of fear, meaning I invite people over as incentive to clean up. I’d like to instead operate more habitually, where I can find a system that helps me put things away/act on these to dos.

    Any suggestions?

    1. I went through a phase where I assigned each chore to a day of the week. Monday = laundry, Tuesday = mail, bills, administrative tasks, Wednesday = recycling, etc. The structure helped me stay organized and it was nice that I didn’t feel like I had to do EVERYTHING at once.

    2. It helps for me if I don’t sit down on the couch between stages of a chore. So when your clothes come out of the dryer, bring them straight into the bedroom and fold/ hang right next to your dresser and closet so you put them away right away. Don’t put them in a basket or on the bed while you eat dinner or watch TV.

       Same thing with mail and dishes: you eat, you clean, you don’t turn on Netflix until the dishwasher is running. You check the mail, you sort it, you pay bills, all in one go. It helps to think about how much more I can enjoy my relaxation time if the dishes are clean/ mail is put away/ clothes are hung up rather than looking at the clutter while I’m trying to chill out.

    3. Fly Lady dot net

       Going anonymous because i hate to like her, but she does help

       1. +100000000 and I love her, she is nonjudgmental unlike condescending Kondo

    4. Check out UnF*ck Your Habitat

    5. I love, love, love the app that is “unfilth” your habitat…the basic concept is 20/10s. Clean for 20 minutes, take a 10 minute break. The app suggests tasks to help you stay on top of things and prevent having to marathon clean.

    6. I say this as someone who also has ADD and we used to do the same thing: cleaning when we were having guests. That made us miserable and not want to have people over. If it is in your budget, a cleaning service. I would go without many things before giving up our cleaning service. Seriously. You have to pick things up and put them away so they can clean. We do every two weeks, so the night before, we have to make sure clothes are folded and put away, dishes are completely done, and everything is picked up. It sucks and I hate it. And then I come home the next day and my house is clean and it is wonderful.

    7. Speaking from ADD experience: there are maintainers, and overhaulers. maintainers are really good at keeping up with things, whereas overhaulers tend to take a day and redo everything but then things fall apart in between overhaul days. I’m very much the latter and am terrible at maintaining order/doing dishes etc, so reducing the effort to do tasks works much better for me than scheduling time to do said tasks. Marie Kondo’s systems work better than flylady etc because she talks extensively about making sure that everything has a place and putting things in that place is easy. e.g. putting my purse on a table by the door= easy to maintain, likely to happen whereas putting it in the closet in my bedroom= very bad.
       I take an overhaul day every so often and automate all bill payments etc, make sure that all my stuff has a place to be put away check banks and cc statements and plan out outfits, and prep frozen casseroles and anything else that I can think of. Putting all my clothes on hangers is easier for me for some reason than folding into drawers, so all my clothes go on hangers. A scheduled day to do things or 20 min with 10 min break would not work for me at all. Ditto removing distractions as bad advice- getting to watch TV while doing dishes is sort of the only reason I’ll stay in place long enough to do so.

    8. I really liked the book You’re Not Lazy, Crazy, or Stupid. It has fantastic suggestions for different variations of ADD so you can see what works for you.

       Edward Hallowell has great books too and talks about how making something habit is a lifesaver, but I found the first book to have more concrete and helpful suggestions.

16. I’ve recently read two books based off recommendations on here and wanted to say thanks – This is How It Always is (incredible story) and I Know How She Does It. Two recommendations I will make for others – Being Mortal & Fierce Kingdom. Being Mortal is non-fiction, by Atul Gawande, about the limitations of our attitudes toward healthcare for the aging and dying. Fierce Kingdom, by Gin Phillips, is fiction. It’s written in real time – the entire plot is three hours which is approximately how long it would take to read from cover to cover in one sitting. Really interesting concept!

17. I have a work situation that I would love opinions on. I work for my father and stepmother at a small business (they co-own it). Our operations are overseas and Sales/Marketing are in the US. I work in Marketing right now but have done Sales before. We have one official Sales employee and his title is above mine. He also helped train me when I started. I am supposed to give him leads but occasionally work a lead myself (like if someone meets me at a trade show and I think I have the best shot at closing it based on the relationship).

    Our Sales employee has been getting worse and worse for about a year. Part of it is that Operations has lost quite a few clients and I think it demotivated him. However, he has gotten unacceptably bad. On Friday, I sent him a warm lead from one of my connections that he should have met with in person, she was local. He basically punted it and told her to call him at her convenience – not okay, he should have set up a meeting. This is becoming a really bad pattern and it screws up my numbers and the commission I get from Sales. It also jeopardizes the future of the company – he is not even trying to get sales at this point!

    My dad is distracted by Operations and trying to fix our issues there (my stepmom is only on Operations and does not manage Sales at all). He is overseas right now and can’t really manage Sales. I’m in a situation where the leads I send my Sales person are going in a black hole. He basically isn’t managed and I have been told I can’t manage him because I am technically junior to him. I also just feel awful about calling him out – I have a lot of guilt about getting my job through nepotism, though I have learned and am very good at what I do. Honestly, he needs to be fired. I just feel so much guilt – he has a daughter with a medical condition and his financial situation has deteriorated considerably because he’s not selling. I’m worried about him as a friend and don’t know how to separate that from knowing that his time with us should end. In a meeting this morning, he lied about something and that did not sit well with me. On a personal level, I dread him being angry with me or trying to appeal to my soft heart to protect him from eventually being fired. The lack of management is stressing me out. On a professional level, I am tempted to work the better leads myself. It’s a toxic, badly managed situation.

    This has turned into a novel – thank you to anyone who read this far. I guess my questions are – has anyone else dealt with this while working for family? How do I separate my guilt about how I got my job from knowing he needs to stop being so checked out? What do I do about the total lack of management? How do I keep good boundaries with him? I have a long history of people appealing to me to get to my dad. I hate it and I am still not totally sure how to handle it.

    1. Is working the leads yourself an option, at least until your dad gets back? I wouldn’t keep handing good leads over to someone who’s not going to work them; eventually you won’t get leads anymore.

       I think you need to step back though. From your description, it sounds like the guy is lazy. Calling him toxic and saying he needs to be fired… is a pretty big leap. He’s not harassing you. He’s not being disrespectful to your leads. He’s just not doing the best he could. If you’re going to say something to the owners, keep it factual. At most, suggest that maybe it’s time for another salesperson if this guy can’t keep up with the leads.

       1. This is good advice, thanks. I meant toxic in the sense of negativity overall. Definitely not in any sort of harassment sense. I appreciate the perspective here. It’s definitely time for another salesperson – my stepmother is supposed to be writing a job description but has not been prioritizing it.

    2. If he’s failing on the leads you provide, why can’t you follow up on leads yourself? It will become apparent that you are holding these relationships and he will be let go due to lack of sales. His failures should not affect your compensation. Don’t make this an emotional problem, there is no reason for that. You should never feel guilty about someone else’s poor performance, that’s ridiculous.

       Also, in this situation, use the fact that the owner is your father and just call him and let him know what is going on. “Hey Dad, X isn’t following up on leads, has let Y sales fall through, and this has resulted in approximately $Z potential dollars not coming in. I cannot manage him as he is my senior, so I am just letting you know of the issue.”

    3. I have no personal experience but can provide some suggestions from my extensive experience working with difficult people.
       Your first loyalty and priority is to the business. This means getting things done yourself in the interim while you fix the problem with his work. Don’t give him sales leads if you don’t trust him to do a good job on them, do them yourself to the extent you can.
       Second, even though you are not his direct manager there might be some opportunity for you to give him gentle feedback. You can frame it as you thinking about his interest – Hey, I am concerned that this sales lead fell through, what went wrong and how can we collectively address it better next time? You look like you have no bandwidth to handle these right now and if so, can I help out.
       Third, once your dad gets back, give him the feedback (with written support and examples) and let him take it from there. Ideally the employee would be put on a performance improvement plan, you can distance yourself from it at that point.

18. Question re intermittent fasting – I know some ladies around here have posted about their experience so I thought I would ask. (I was a bit overwhelmed by the quick browse I took on the reddit page).

    How do you normally eat during your eating period? Do you stick to a diet? Eat pretty clean? Or just eat whatever you want?

    TIA!

    1. I eat basically whatever I want from 12-8. Doing IF means I cut out the two times a day I eat really badly – the morning (I love croissants/donuts/muffins etc for breakfast) and nighttime (snacking on junk). So I don’t stress a lot about the meals I do eat, even though I definitely have days where I could stand to eat better. Plus, personally if I was dieting from 12-8 I would be doomed to fail because being hungry sucks.

       1. This is pretty much exactly what I do. I think the cutoff at 8 is huge for me because 8-10 is a huge mindless snacking zone. I am trying not to eat processed foods with added sugar, but I do not restrict quantities of what I eat during 12-8 and pretty much eat what I want.

    2. I eat from 2 pm – 9 pm usually. I’m vegetarian. Typical lunch is avocado toast, greek yogurt, apple, and some nuts. Dinner is rice and some sort of bean/lentil dish, with some chocolate for dessert. Lots of exceptions for drinking wine on the weekends, or a dessert when I feel like it. I don’t stick to any particular diet (I tried low carb for 2 days years ago and felt totally sick) but I generally try to eat pretty healthy. My dinner portions tend to be heavy.

    3. I read the Obesity Code, which was much better than when I tried the 5:2 diet on my own. It has a few variations but I do the 24-hour fast, which means I eat dinner daily but skip breakfast and lunch four days a week (I never eat breakfast anyway). I don’t snack at all and avoid refined carbs except for special occasions. It made me focus on eating a balanced dinner because you need something to tide you over for the next 24 hours. For me, it’s very easy to maintain this schedule and it helped to know more about the theory behind it. The first month was hard, after that, it became second nature.

19. Has anyone gotten married lately and can comment on the going rate for an honorarium for an officiant?

    1. Not recently married, but I did recently get ordained to perform a wedding for a friend. If you’re looking to save some $ and get a more personal experience, and you have a friend you can trust, that’s an option a lot of people forget about.

    2. Got married in September – Catholic ceremony (liturgy of the word + sacrament of marriage, not a whole mass) on a Saturday. The priest doesnt ask for any fee, but the going rate is about $200-$500 depending on city, time of year, how well you know him, etc. Our priest was AWESOME- he incorporated some elements of Lutheran and Episcopalian traditions which made everyone feel welcome, he was funny and kind, and he made an effort to get to know us in the process before the wedding. We gave $400 cash, which is technically a donation to the parish or religious order to which he belongs – by doing it cash, we ditched some of the awkwardness about fees/donations/etc. Note that this is in addition to, not instead of the church fee/donation.

    3. Got married 3 years ago. I don’t remember the exact cost but I think it was ~$700 in Chicago. A friend paid roughly half that in Cleveland. The officiant was strongly recommended by our day-of coordinator, and more expensive than many others, but we regret going with him. We ended up really disliking his approach to the ceremony, which was a little too bare-your-soul for us. We’re pretty reserved and wanted some more traditional vows. Obviously, people have different preferences, so my main point here (aside from a general price point) is to interview carefully. Ask to see sample ceremonies and discuss what you like and don’t like about them with your fiance.

20. Looking for cashmere laundry help! I’ve tried all the advice I can – handwashing, machine washing on gentle, tepid water, cold water, cashmere detergent, lying flat, different brands of sweaters, little agitation – regardless, unless I dryclean from the outset, my cashmere sweaters seem to shrink a little. Does that mean that I’m not blocking aggressively enough when I dry the sweaters?

    1. I handwash with Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo and never have a problem.

    2. You need to wash with little agitation in cold water. Barely use soap. I only lay them flat to dry after rolling in a towel to press out the water. No real blocking.

       1. I don’t block either, but I will gently tug – mostly on the sleeves, but also for body length.

          After rolling in the towel and pressing water out, I unroll and bunch the top end of the sweater in one hand and the hem in the other and pull it taut for about 5-10 seconds, and then do the same for the sleeves. I also throw the sweaters in the washing machine (lingerie bag, cold water, gentle cycle), so I’m a little harder on them than handwashing. I probably also compensate by buying the sweaters a little bit big so it’s not an issue if they shrink initially.

       2. Maybe I’m agitating too much? I mostly swish them in my bathroom sink for a minute or so and then let them soak for 25-30 min. Cold water. Laundress cashmere soap, 1-2 capfuls as recommended on the bottle. Any issues you see there?

    3. Not helpful to washing tips, but don’t wash as much. My cashmere might get a wash 1x a year, and I wear it pretty frequently. I air it out (aka toss it on the chair) before putting it away, and if there’s a real smell issue I might febreeze it.

       1. Unfortunately not an option – I sweat too much and they smell after one wear.

          1. That’s really unusual, so you’re sweating through your shirts and what you’re wearing underneath? Maybe try another layer, like a tshirt?

             1. I wear the thinner jewel neck cashmere sweaters which don’t really lend themselves to wearing things underneath

             2. Maybe you could find some anti perspirent pads to attach to your bra.

21. Planning a quick honeymoon (4 days + flight days) to Iceland in early August. Any advice or suggestions from you wonderful world travelers? TIA!

    1. We loved the Blue Lagoon! Make sure to do that. I also didn’t find that there was enough to do in Reykjavik to make staying in the town an event for a day. I would schedule a tour for every day you are there. People were helpful when asked but not overly friendly. Food was very expensive but very good. We got the special wherever we went and were never disappointed. Further, EVERYTHING was very expensive.

    2. Get a car, it’ll be more fun than bus tours because you can decide where and when to go on your own. You could easily fill a couple days by doing the golden circle, stay overnight in Vik, and drive on to Jokulsarlon, do the things there, stay somewhere, and then head back to Reykjavik with a few fun stops along the way to do some waterfall looking, hiking, hot springs bathing, etc. This was a fun place to stay: http://reynisfjara-guesthouses.com/en/

    3. We just returned from a trip that included 2 days in Iceland. We did the Golden Circle tour with GeoIceland – they use minibusses that seat 19 and that was the perfect arrangement for us. No waiting on a huge group, but we also learned stuff from the guide that we wouldn’t have known if we had driven ourselves. At my daughter’s urging, we did a Northern Lights tour with Gray Line on the huge busses. I wouldn’t do that again, but it’s a moot point for you, as the lights won’t be going in August. We did a walking tour of Reykjavik on our last day and I kind of wish we’d done it the first day and had time to look at the additional things the guide suggested. We used I Heart Reykjavik for the tour and while others really liked it, ours was just ok. I have had friends that got a car and went around to other parts of the country and their activities sounded really good. I will echo what others said: people weren’t particularly friendly (although the guides were nice, when asked) and the food was extremely expensive. But everything was interesting.

    4. Definitely get a car. It’s easy to navigate. You can do the Golden Circle in one day. I would spend a day driving along the south coast and explore — glaciers, waterfalls, a hike to a plane crash if you feel up for it. There are some really good restaurants in Reykjavik — I particularly enjoyed Grillmarkadurinn. If you’re going to spend a bunch of time in the car, I’d stop at the Costco when you arrive and buy snacks, because food is super expensive at the tourist traps as there’s nowhere else to go.

    5. Depending on where you’re flying from, you may end up arriving super early in the morning and not be able to check into your hotel or AirBnB until after lunch. If you’re interested in going to the Blue Lagoon, you could book a transfer from the airport to the BL, and then onward from the BL to the city and spend the morning soaking away your jet lag (maybe splurge for an in-water massage? I am a huge fan of a massage on arrival anywhere afer a long haul flight to help get over jet lag and the general fatigue or discomfort). You can’t just show up though – you have to book timed entrance tickets, and they sell out, so plan WAY ahead (perhaps go look now to see what’s available in your window). You can find all the details on the website: https://www.bluelagoon.com/

    6. Thanks all!

22. I send out cashmere. I don’t trust anything.

    1. How do they hold up over the seasons? I read about the damage dry cleaners cause but I can’t seem to avoid damging them at home anyway.

23. I’m “mid-level” right now and am currently very happy; really like my job and the team I work with. I am comfortable with the work and have a work/life balance that I am happy with, but it’s nothing super exciting or innovating. I have gotten stellar reviews every year and am 50/50 on making the push for Partner.

    I got a job offer for a similar level role at a tech company working on what sounds like an exciting project. Has anyone else made the move in similar situations? I think about how happy am and am nervous about leaving a situation that works well for me, but then think about how mad I would be if this project made it big and I was sitting on the sidelines and had passed up the opportunity.

    1. Could be a great opportunity! Congrats on the offer. A few things to consider – How stable is the tech company? Does the comp work for your lifestyle? If this project doesn’t pan our or make it big, how stable is your position/the comp?

       I made this move but a bit earlier, I was just on the cusp of mid-level. I had good reviews but in no way wanted to make partner after looking at the lives of the partners outside of work. I moved to a large company in tech, stable, big law department, etc. I don’t think that I would have felt comfortable at the time going to an emerging growth or start up tech company, and definitely not as their 3rd or 4th or early legal hire. I had student loans and didn’t feel comfortable being out of a job if their big idea or the company didn’t take off or needed financing or was acquired by a strategic investor.

       1. Thanks for response – very stable and comp is competitive. However, company has a reputation for a really grinding work culture..

          1. I’d say go for it! I think mid level is the perfect time to move. Granted, only you can evaluate how much you want to make partner and the chances you actually will at your firm.

             Even if it’s a grind, you’ll learn a lot and if you want to move in 2 years to a better company, you can do it! Look at it this way, you can always go back to a firm (esp with in-house years at a client under your belt) but this opportunity to move in-house doesn’t come around often and the changes to move in-house as you get more senior at a firm are less, not more.

             For me this was easy because I didn’t want to make partner and BigLaw M&A was wearing me out and no one here works as hard or as many hours as in BigLaw. Honestly some of my coworkers say they are always busy but I think they are so many years out of BigLaw they have forgotten how bad it used to be. Good luck!

24. I have a meeting at a Federal office this week. The dress code is “casual.” What does this mean in DC-specific terms?

    1. I’ve had meetings like this. I usually just wear my normal business casual (i.e. business-y but not a suit). Most often the government folks have been in khakis and a button down. I work for a law firm and my meetings have been with federal enforcement offices.

    2. Dress pants, a top, and a cardigan

25. Any positive stroke recovery stories to share? A dear friend who’s like a second father to me has had a major stroke. He’s 73. He’s able to move his left side (the effected side) a bit but we are all sick and getting conflicting messages from the doctors about what his true recovery will look like. One says he may not walk, another disagrees. We don’t know what to think.

    1. There are no easy answers. Some people recover, others won’t. I’m sorry.

    2. I’m sorry to hear about this.

       There is no way to know for sure about prognosis, which is why they are hedging. The healthier you are, the younger you are and the more you do your physical/occupational/speech therapy for as long as possible/as many hours as possible/the best place that is possible…. the better you will do.

       He is not too old to recover a lot of function. Anyone who says he will never walk again is honestly, out of line and I would disregard them. Talk to the physical therapists and physiatrists once he gets out of the hospital and into inpatient physical therapy. It is very important if he is still in the hospital to tell the family to get him as soon as possible to the best inpatient rehab program around and stay as long as possible. And then to transfer into the best outpatient DAY rehab program around, and stay as long as possible. And then continue outpatient PT and OT at the best outpatient rehab program around and continue as long as possible. And then do your exercises at home/the gym/hire a trainer/hire a high school kid to come by and help with the exercises every day you can.

       Can he move his hand or foot at all? If so, that is a very good sign. Every time you see him, do some stretching with him, do some exercises, encourage him by reassuring him that it takes a lot of work and time, but no one knows how much he will recover. Every time he tries to move his arm/leg, it is therapy. Tell him ti STARE at it and try to move move move move…. You actually trying to retrain healthy neurons that did not die in the stroke to take over the movements. It takes time and effort.

       It is very very very important to treat his depression early and aggressively. Effexor or an SSRI are often recommended. It will impair his recovery not to treat the depression, and depression is often a consequence of stroke. This is just another symptom like pain or weakness. This is so important.

       It will take months to years for him to continue to improve. Tell him don’t give up. Don’t give up.

       And try not to fixate too much on the big things like walking. Goals need to change, with small ones that you are working on and obtaining daily/weekly/monthly to help get you going.

       What city is he in? I can tell you the best rehab places if I am familiar.

       1. Thanks so much for this post. So much great info to process and positivity which is what I need. He can move his left arm and leg. He needs to be restrained to sit though. They’re currently working on getting him transferred to inpatient rehab. He’s in Philly.

          1. Do you know where they are planning to transfer him? I believe Magee is supposed to be excellent for neurologic rehab.

             Ask the most senior neurologist where the best places/people in the city are for stroke rehab and start collecting names. Inpatient programs, outpatient programs, private therapists you can hire …. make lists.

             Sometimes it is hard to get transferred into the best inpatient hospitals because they tend to be busy and full and a bed isn’t available the day you are ready to go. And then the hospital he is in now eager to discharge you….. But don’t let them send him to anything but the best place. If the hospital tries to send him to some random, small, bad rehab hospital or “subacute rehab hospital” (ie. nursing home) fight back and say no…. he needs to go to the best ACUTE rehabilitation hospital for stroke for his best chance of recovery. What can we do to help him get there?

             If a bed is not available yet in the rehab hospital, refuse to let them discharge him to the inferior hospital. They can’t discharge him without permission. Call the rehab hospital you want every day to ask if a bed is available yet. Be nice, but be firm. Even if the hospital threatens that Medicare wont pay anymore for him to stay in the hospital, still refuse. Worse case scenario, you pay for a couple days in the hospital yourself, but that NEVER happens. You also have the right to file an appeal with Medicare if they want to discharge you without your permission, and that stall gives you a few more days.

             This is a very important transfer, so it is worse kicking up a fuss if needed. Hopefully his will go smoothly.

             Just remember…. don’t give up. Keep working. Don’t believe the negative people, because honestly they are wrong and don’t really know.

             Random things – therapy in a pool can be wonderful. It is a place you can “walk” long before walking on land. Also look for programs with body weight assisted treadmill training and later, AlterG devices.

             Good luck.

    3. Hugs. There is so much variation in kinds of strokes and how they affect different people that it seems normal to have those conflicting messages.

       Since you specifically wanted a positive recovery story, my father at 69 had a hemorrhagic stroke in the cerebellum. This kind of stroke generally happens to people 20 years older and generally kills them. When my mother brought him into the ER, the doctors there told her to say goodbye. In swaggered the neurosurgeon who said not the listen to the ER doctors.

       After the brain surgery, he was in ICU for a week in a vegetative state. The nurses started to propose letting him go. We sent him to rehab instead.

       Within a year he was walking without assistance and back at work (he’s a judge).

       1. Thank you! That story really warmed my heart. He is heading to rehab and we are just trying to be super positive so hearing stories like yours helps.

26. I have a cold and some intermittent coughing since last night, and have a Skype interview coming up.
    Is there some medication I can take that will temporarily suppress my symptoms (runny nose) for an hour or so?
    I generally avoid meds for colds, but need something just to look presentable and non-sick for a short period.

    1. Pseudafed. (Sp?) only thing that’ll work. Good luck! You’ll probably want to use some concealer on your red nose, too?

       1. Sudafed – it might make you really fuzzy though…

    2. I really like Tylenol Cold and Flu. It will suppress the symptoms for more than an hour but it will not make you drowsy and you’ll generally feel better. I’m not sure you’ll find a medicine that will only work for an hour.

    3. Dayquil!

       1. +1

27. I would like a travel credit card and am trying to decide between the Chase Sapphire and Capital One Venture. Any feedback on these cards is appreciated.

    1. I’ve been very happy with the Chase Sapphire. The 3% back on travel and dining is the best I’ve seen anywhere.

    2. We like venture, but I’m getting ready to switch since they won’t waive the annual fee any longer. I’d go with whichever has a better bonus offer @ the time.

       1. My venture card doesn’t have an annual fee – must be different versions?

          1. There’s one that give you 2% back on everything that comes with a fee, and one that’s free that gives you 1.25% back

          2. There’s one that gives you 2% back on everything that comes with a fee, and one that’s free that gives you 1.25% back

    3. I love my Capital One Venture Card and know nothing about the Chase Sapphire, so can’t speak to that. Redeeming points is easy – if there is a travel-related item on your statement, you can apply points to it. I’ve used it for train tickets, hotel stays, airline flights, etc. Also no foreign transaction fees. And the few times it’s been hacked or stolen, the fraud protection has covered it and it hasn’t been an issue to get it replaced quickly.

28. Went to Iceland last year in August. Favorite hotels were Husafell, Laxa, and Silica. Favorite spots were the Ice Lagoon and Skaftafell National Park. Pack jeans and a light sweater for dinner in the city, and hiking shoes, compression tights, a shirt and a fleece pullover for hikes.

    1. Thanks!

29. Hello Hive!
    Would appreciate advice about a patio improvement at my home. We wanted to do a patio with screens, but it was not approved by the HOA which has a prohibition on “enclosed patios”. We are considering curtains instead. Are these effective at all at keeping out the bugs? Our yard faces a ravine with a creek and the bugs are so bad in certain seasons. Thanks in advance!

    1. What kind of enclosure did you try to do? Was it like a ‘Florida room’?
       We have some relatives who just have netting that you zip/unzip around their patio table and it’s helpful if not perfect, and a bit annoying to go through.

    2. How about a pergola type thing with screens that zip in like curtains? Not sure if that will fly with HOA but if they will allow curtains, netting-curtains may work too.

30. My boss keeps complaining about having to do a specific task. Several months ago I had created an automatic solution to do this task. Yet he continues to review thousands of lines of data manually and complains about how time intensive it is. Each time I mention the auto solution and each time he says “Since I already started, I’ll finish it my way this time around.” I have offered to do it myself but he has declined. This has happened at least three months in a row now. I am lost as to what I should do. Do you have any suggestions? I feel guilty each time he complains about this.

    1. Stop feeling guilty. He’s made his choice to do it this way because he wants to be a martyr about it.

       1. I appreciate this solution and will employ it if LAnon’s suggestion does not work.

    2. I would write up a one-pager on exactly how to use the automated solution – click by click. Send him the directions and the solution (if it’s sendable) with a note that says, “Just wanted to pass this along in case you wanted to give it a try at some point. The document will take you through step by step.” And then never say anything again.

       If he’s like my boss, he might think that an automated solution is going to be really complicated and hard to do, and has some fear of looking dumb while you try to teach him how to do it. Having instructions written out that he can work through at his own pace may seem less intimidating.

       1. My boss, to other people: “LAnon wrote a computer program for me that gives me a summary report of all this data!”
          Me: “To be clear, I just recorded an Excel macro….”
          My boss: “Like I said, wrote a computer program!!”

          1. Dude- take the win. A macro IS a computer program.

             1. LOL! That sounds about right. Thank you for your advice, you may be right on the money.

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