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Happy Friday! I was looking for something else at Nordstrom when I happened to find this fabulous hot pink shoulder bag from Ted Baker — it's such a happy, fun color. The bag is about clutch size and would great for when you're going out and want to add a pop of color to an otherwise sedate outfit. It has some trademark Ted Baker details, like little bows on the lining and rose gold hardware. The black and white versions have sold out at Nordstrom, but you can still find the white at Bloomingdale's for $219. The pink was $219 full price at Nordstrom but is now $146.73. Ipomoea Leather Shoulder Bag
Nordstrom also has a couple of lower-priced options from Sole Society and Street Level.
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
Does anyone have a recommendation for an Etsy shop that has unique, interesting prints/posters? I want something to hang above my bed, not expensive, but a step up from Ikea art.
Ellen
Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open threads and this purse on SALE at Nordstrom’s! I cant wait until they open on 58th Street for women!!!!!! The men really don’t need such a big store, as most are sloppy dressers, but so be it.
As for the OP, if you are in NYC, you can go to some cute places in SoHo that have original art, and they’re not to expensive. I also heard DUMBO has some nice stuff. If you are looking for cheaper stuff, you can always go on line and have a look at stuff from Crate and Barrel. If you want to get even less expensive, go to Home Goods or Target.
I am trying to determine whether it is ethical to get artificially inseminated by my Brother in Law, Ed. Ed and Rosa have beautiful children, and I have the same genes as Rosa, so if I can get his sperm, my kids should also look beautiful, right? And since it is artificial, I would not have to have s-x with him to get the sperm, and Rosa should NOT object. What does the HIVE think? Is this crossing the line? Dad seems to agree with me, and I have NOT brooched this with Ed or Rosa, yet, but they know I do NOT want a looser to be the father, and Ed is not goeing to be finanically on the hook if we write it up ahead of time.
Does the HIVE agree with me? Has this issue ever been posted on Corporette before? Kat, what do you think? You have kid’s. Would you care if your sister (assuming you have one) asked you to have your husband give some sperm to your sister to make a baby? I hope you would agree, but let me know. I trust the HIVE and will likeley abide by the consensus, as I do NOT want to do anything that is unethical or shady, or something that will make life difficult for my kid’s and Rosa’s kids.
Have a great weekend to the entire HIVE!!!! YAY!!!!!!
jwalk
Following!
SAm...
I like the idea!
LAJen
This is my friend’s shop–she does pretty prints of geodes and other things.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/ShineHausCollective?ref=l2-shopheader-name
Anon
Not the OP, but thanks for sharing! These are beautiful! Saving this store. :)
Anonymous
Wow! Those are gorgeous!
Anon
Your friend is awesome! Let her know admire her work.
Jules
Also check out Society 6, which has artist-created prints, framed prints, prints on canvas and metal, and tapestries. I heard about the site here several years ago and have bought a number of prints, cell phone covers and mugs there. Beware, it’s a time-suck, because there is so, so much variety.
Anonymous
Check out Saatchi Art. In addition to having originals for purchase they have a number of prints.
Tan pantyhose
Any recs for sheer hose in shades that look natural on tan skintone? I prefer reinforced toes, no control top and price under $15.
Anonymous
Donna Karan Nudes–around $20 a pair–can often find for less
Nordstrom brand around $15 a pair–but you can often find 2 for deals.
Hue–about $10 a pair–but can often find deals and they sell three packs which are a great deal when you can find them.
Pretty Polly Naturals around $8.00 a pair
MJ
Check out silk reflections on one hanes place. “A little color” is actually quite a lot of color. That’s Hanes’ seconds/overstock site but I’ve never been able to figure out what is “wrong” with anything I’ve bought there.
Ouch! That hurts
I’ve used Filodoro from shapings dot com in Ontario (they easily ship to USA) for decades. Nice shade ranges, very durable (the Aurora 15 item) and yes, reinforced toes.
a lawyer
Donna Karan Nudes are the best. People often don’t even know I am wearing hose.
Anonymous
Would it be a fashion faux pas to wear a coat that ends slightly above the knee with a sheath dress? A few inches of the dress would show beneath the hem of the coat.
Panda Bear
I vote that it’s fine, especially if the coat and dress are similarly colored.
AIMS
No.
Anon
No I think that is a fine look. If your dress were full in the skirt it could look weird but not with a sheath dress/pencil skirt.
Anonymous
This is my usual look in the winter…
Anon
Reposting from the other day to ask if anyone has any recommendations for a U-lock compatible free-standing bike rack that will fit two bikes in a patio area. TIA!
Anon
I’m not seeing anything out there that’s free-standing. When you say free standing, is this rack going to be anchored (bolted down, concrete, etc) somehow? There are a few wall-mounted options that look promising. Is that in any way a possibility?
SARA ANNE
[deleted]
Marshmallow
Happy weekend, all! I just scheduled myself for a mani/pedi at Tenoverten, thanks for the reminder on Puddlejumper’s thread. I’ve never been but have had a gift certificate sitting around since my last birthday and it’s time to use it.
Other than that, not too many plans for the weekend except yoga tomorrow and having some family over on Sunday. What’s on deck for everyone else?
jwalk
Going for a short hike and visiting wineries tomorrow, then having a lazy day at home on Sunday to balance it out.
Cookbooks
My cousin’s daughter is taking an EMT exam, and she needs to bring a patient. So I get to play “patient” tomorrow morning!
Marshmallow
I just had a flashback to that episode of The Office… hope your experience goes much better!
Senior Attorney
My Rotary Club is doing Shop With a Cop this afternoon — 20 needy kids are going to Target with a donated $100 gift card and a cop is going to help each of them shop for back to school.
Tonight is wine tasting with Hubby and friends.
Tomorrow is my farmers’ market in the morning, then my first Pilates class.
Sunday is bike ride in the morning with friends and then a dinner party at our house in the evening.
It’s going to be fun!
Senior Attorney
Heh EACH with a donated $100 gift card, of course.
CountC
I’ve got a fun trail half tonorrow that I convinced a friend to run also. Then dinner with one of my friends who lives a but outside of my area and whose wife is visiting professor in another state for. Year. Sunday I have two horses to ride and then regular weekend stuff.
Anonymous
Hahaha holy typos
Anonymous
I’m hitting a big professional milestone soon, and my husband and I are going out to posh restaurant to celebrate. It’s the sort of place that requires jackets and ties. Normally I’d wear cocktail dress and call it good. But we’re celebrating! It’s a big milestone! Would it be ridiculous for us both to wear black tie? Presumably people on their way to somewhere fabulous eat there, right?
Anon
Do it!!
Torin
Do it!
Anon
No. You’re not overdressed; everyone else just missed the memo.
Anonymous
Ummm what?? People
Anon
Sorry you’ve never heard the phrase. You must be fun at parties.
Anonymous
Do it if you’ll be happy and comfortable, no matter how others are dressed. That said, I’ve generally found that even at the fanciest restaurants anymore (including those with a coat and tie requirement), it’s easy to feel over-dressed. I personally would enjoy my evening more if my dress fit more with the standard dress in the room.
BabyAssociate
That sounds so fun, do it! And congrats!
Anonymous
I’ve eaten at many facmy restaurants and I’ve never seen anyone in anything resembling black tie. Cocktail dress is quite common but honestly business dress is common too (eg, suits or pencil skirts for women). You should do whatever makes you happy but I do think you will be the most dressed up woman there if you wear a gown.
Senior Attorney
…you say that like it’s a bad thing!
Do it, OP!
Anonymous
I would definitely assume that you were on the way to somewhere fabulous. I would go for it!
Scarlett
I have done this, actually. I have a black ball gown that I love & I’ve worn it to a fancy but no one is wearing ball gowns restaurant. It was fun – I love getting dressed up & don’t particularly care what anyone else thinks. My vote is absolutely go for it. Make your life special.
Panda Bear
What do you spend weekly on groceries?
In an earlier thread today (about parents vs your spending) someone mentioned that it seemed like a lot to spend $200 a week for two people on groceries… and I thought, hmm, that’s my weekly grocery bill (for just me and husband). Now I’m wondering if I’m an outlier. I definitely splurge for what I consider good food (e.g. grass fed meat from a local farm, amazing baguettes from a local bakery, fresh produce from the farmers market all summer long), but I buy all my basics at a non-fancy grocery store. I have a vague notion that I’d like to spend less, but I can’t seem to keep the cost under about $175, most weeks.
Anon Lawyer
I spend about $100 a week for one person, so you don’t seem that off from me. I also splurge on “good” food. I also think it depends on how many meals you’re considering – some people eat lunch and even breakfast out every day. If you’re only covering dinners that’s going to run less than three meals a day.
E
I’m at roughly $50-75 per week for one person – including a CSA box and the rest from Trader Joe’s.
Anon
Too many variables. It depends on how often we eat out or order in, and how much we need in the way of laundry detergent, cleaning supplies etc that week. Not to mention whether we are out of Hendricks Gin (OMG IM GETTING CANCER)
For our family of two adults and two teens it’s at least $300. Probably more.
Anonymous
LOL!
jwalk
My partner and I spend $400 – 450 per month for the two of us, so about $100/week. We get most things from the grocery store but we do have a CSA that delivers once a week (and that’s included in the $400). I’d like to get that down even further by starting to meal plan and just generally eating less (we both overeat).
Anonymous
About $150/week for two adults and one baby (the baby doesn’t eat much solid food yet, but nursing moms eat SO much). That does include paper towels and toilet paper, but doesn’t include diapers or dog food, which we buy online. We don’t drink. We buy organic milk but not much else organic. I personally would like to splurge more on higher quality items because we can afford it, but DH mostly does the shopping and always goes for the cheapest version (store brand) of everything. We usually eat one or two dinners out per week, and DH and I eat most lunches out.
Dahlia
I think I’m going to be an extreme case here, but I spend about $30 on food for the week, not counting the 2-3 meals I eat out. Groceries are almost entirely from Aldi, with monthly trips to Target or Kroger to supplement things Aldi doesn’t carry. I don’t cook meat, which cuts costs a lot, and I only buy in season produce, which Aldi usually has for pretty cheap. I will buy things frozen if it’s cheaper or if I know I can’t finish the fresh version before I’ll have to freeze part anyway to keep it from going bad. I’m a pretty good cook, so I just cook simple meals for myself, but sometimes BF and I will make something more complicated for a date night if we choose that instead of going out. In those cases, we’ll split the cost of the more expensive groceries for that meal, and I count it in my “eating out” category rather than groceries.
Vicky Austin
You’re not an outlier! I am just feeding me and occasionally my fiance, but I spend $30-$40/week on groceries. I live in kind of a HCOL area, but also my grocery store of choice has bulk bins (cheap pasta and popcorn for the win!) and I am very careful about watching for deals and making ingredients work for me.
Aquae Sulis
I only spend £30/$40 a week.
Torin
When I was single I averaged ~$350/month, now it’s more like $550. I insist on paying extra for animal products raised without antibiotics, and we have a fancy cheese habit, otherwise we could spend less. $200/week doesn’t seem that bad to me though. I mean, it’s not frugal but it’s not stratospheric.
Seafinch
Canadian here so our budget won’t be the same but we have three adults and three kids (all good eaters). We make our own bread and yoghurt and eat a lot of meat. I am a meal planner and extremely thrifty. I aim to spend under $200 a week. But I alternate big meat purchases from Costco so it actually probably more closely resembles <$150 for two or more weeks in a row and then ~$300 once a month. I shop at our local wholesaler and buy eggs 180 at a time and most of my fruit and veg from him and otherwise stick to a no frills, budget store. I will run to the fancy shop near work if I need a single ingredient or specialty herb or good cheese etc.
Torin
180 eggs at a time? Not to be rude but can I ask what you do with so many eggs? How do you consume them all before they go bad? You can’t freeze them, can you?
Anonymous
Eggs keep in the fridge for about a month. DH and I can eat upwards of 20 eggs a week, so it’s not at all surprising to me that a family of 6 with 3 teenagers could eat almost 200 eggs a month. Eggs are delicious and healthy! I would eat them for breakfast every day if I had time to cook them.
Dahlia
+1 Eggs are my main source of protein. I frequently eat them in some form or another at least twice a day. Cheap, healthy, versatile, and tasty!
Torin
We go through about a dozen every 10 days or so (two adults) and I thought we ate a lot of eggs. Guess not!
Alice
Hello! Didn’t you get the memo about Cholesterol? I guess not! Look it up and you’ll be buying egg beaters. The group here can fill in the blanks for me.
Anonymous
The cholesterol thing is out of date, and anyway it was only ever a concern if you have high cholesterol. I have very low cholesterol so eggs are healthy for me. I eat the whole egg.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/high-blood-cholesterol/expert-answers/cholesterol/faq-20058468
Anonymous
Or you can just eat fewer of the yolks and avoid the processing, extra ingredients, etc. . . .
Anonymous
Alice, that research on cholesterol is really out of date.
The one thing about farm fresh eggs is that they’re really annoying to peel when hard boiled. I love the idea of having weeks’ worth in the fridge. (And my sense is that farm eggs last longer than a month? I have literally never had a raw egg spoil, come to think of it.)
Anon
I discovered this when my toddler decided she would only eat eggs for like a week. Scramble in a small bowl, cover with another dish and microwave for 45 seconds. Fluffy scrambled egg in about a minute. Caveat that I haven’t tried this with more than one egg yet. The bowl was a PITA to wash so I started smearing a touch of butter on the bottom, which just makes it taste better anyway. I scramble with a chopstick so I can just throw it in the dishwasher and not worry about washing off a whisk.
Senior Attorney
We spend a fortune. About $1500 per month for food and alcohol including eating out quite a bit and hosting a weekly dinner party for 8.
NOLA
I wouldn’t say I spend a fortune, but I do splurge on food. I don’t eat out and I don’t buy lunch during the week. For me alone in a week, I spend about $50 at Whole Foods, $65 at the grocery store, and Target varies. Some of Target is groceries like cereal, some of it is toiletries and paper products, OTC medications, and I put food pantry on my list every week for at least something to contribute to my church’s food pantry. I also buy wine at Trader Joe’s and cases of alkaline water for the gym.
Pen and Pencil
I spend about $50 a week for one person, with normal meat and non-organic. This is if I cook one meal to eat on for the whole week, and eating 2-3 lunches out. If I were to buy fancy meat and produce I would guess it would be around $75? This also includes cleaning chemicals and things like body wash. If you are buying fancy food then that seems about right, maybe a little high. If I eat out at lunch every day I spend closer to $30.
Anon
That sounds about right for my household of two adults. Although I think a lot of people think $200 on food oh my! But don’t consider that people buy a lot of household staples at the grocery store which many people include in the grocery heading – paper towels, toilet paper, dog/cat food, batteries, soaps and deodorants, trash bags, etc. If I counted food only, if would probably be $125 or lower, but the other items add up, especially if you eat most meals at or from home.
Also there are so many variables, but the biggest one for us is: We work full time jobs, work out, see friends, and have hobbies. I don’t have the time, and frankly make too much money, to make all my meals from pure scratch to save money. That hour a day chopping veggies and soaking beans is used on better pursuits (like exercise which otherwise wouldn’t happen) and studying.
mascot
Yeah, we spend about $800-$900/month on “groceries” for 2 adults, 1 elem. kid. Includes food, booze, personal care, household cleaning, paper products, etc. Basically if I buy it at a grocery or drug store, it goes in that bucket. Does not include dog food.
Anon
My partner and I try to keep it at $150-170 per week. We make about 75% of our meals, buy organic, and usually pick up alcohol and random cleaning supplies with the groceries. We cut back on our meat consumption, which reduced our bill by about $20 per week.
tippins
My household is 2 adults and we average $200 or more per week. We rarely eat out or get coffee out, and ‘groceries’ includes all household items, cat food, and cat litter. We eat well and probably too much…
Anonymous
I spend about ~$40-$50 weekly on just purely groceries bought from Trader Joe’s, the local farm stand, and H-Mart, occasionally supplemented by dry foodstuffs from Food Lion. I try to bring my own lunch most of the time, but since my job requires visiting various project sites, I end up buying lunch on avg twice a week for about $10-$15 (including tax and tip if applicable). On weekends I’m willing to spend ~$25-$30 eating out at a fancier place with non-alcoholic drinks you still have to pay for (house sodas, mocktails, sodas, teas, etc).
So that’s about ~$100 per week but I like good food and am willing to pay for someone else to make delicious food for me on weekends since I hate cooking.
anonshmanon
2 adults, between 100 and 150 $ week in the Bay Area. That includes 60-80$ for groceries, almost exclusively from Trader Joe’s (we eat little meat, buy the occasional sixpack, but rarely any soda/juice), 15$ for a CSA box, takeout at least once a week (25-35$). Some weeks we get takeout more often/buy lunch/go out for drinks, so it varies. Normally, we bring lunch to work and cook dinner at home.
Anonymous
For a family of 2 adults and 1 toddler, we spend about $225 per week. During the week, Toddler gets lunch and snacks at school, DH usually brings lunch from home, and I bring my lunch about half the time. And we usually eat out three times a month–we average one takeout meal, one brunch, and one “date night” dinner. But we also have guests over for a meal at least once a week.
Anonymous
single person, about $130 to 150/week, no toiletries or paper products included, groceries only. i will also eat out once or twice per week in addition to that amount. i do buy as much organic as I can. it seems like a lot compared to others who can feed a family of three on that budget, but…to me it just seems…responsible. i am trying to take care of myself and i think the food that i eat makes a difference.
Anonymous
Whoops I was that poster – sorry I didn’t mean to make anyone feel badly! Fwiw mom lives in a state that doesn’t sell booze in the grocery store, so that’s not included in her grocery budget.
Anonymous
Around $35 per week for one person.
CountC
Single person – around $100/week. Vegan and I try to cook as much as possible, but I do buy some prepared. This includes household items and cat food and litter, but not dog food or booze.
Anonymous
Family of 5 in the bay area, total we probably spend $2000 per month. I mean just their school lunches alone are $300! Plus they have after school money for food. This does include three teen boys who play football and track so we are probably an outlier…(and yes I cook…a LOT)
Anonymous
I worked with a woman a few years ago who had triplet boys, they were 14 at the time. Each of them played two sports and did at least one other extracurricular as well. She said as soon as the boys hit 12 her grocery bill almost tripled; she was spending about $2000 a month as I recall and they hardly ever ate out (she said “unless we go out to an all-you-can-eat place, we almost can’t afford to feed them”). So I don’t think you’re an outlier. Everyone I know with a teen boy talks about how much it costs to keep groceries in the house, especially if they are prone to having friends over.
BigLaw Sr Assoc
We spend about 800 a week, and have two full size fridges and an extra freezer so we only have to go once a week. 2 adults, a teenage boy, a tween boy, and two grade school boys. It is intense. On average, we’re big eaters because we are tall people. Esp. a 6’5″ teenage boy – I still can’t get over how hungry that kid is.
DLC
The USDA puts out a chart of suggested food costs for different plans from “thrifty” to “liberal”. I’Ve always found it fascinating (though it doesn’t take into account geography)
https://www.cnpp.usda.gov/sites/default/files/CostofFoodJul2018.pdf
We are a family of four ina major metropolitan suburb and we spend $150-200/ week for groceries.
Amy H.
Two adults in the Bay Area and we definitely spend $200 a week on groceries, not including wine/alcohol, lunches out, dinners out, takeout/delivery, or entertaining. We buy organic milk, organic, grass fed beef and humanely raised and butchered local pork and chicken, and pastured eggs. Mostly organic produce, but not all (focusing on things in the dirty dozen like strawberries and spinach). In SF, organic milk is about $5/half gallon and organic grass-fed ground beef is about $11/lb.
Liz
$50/week for DH and me. If you wanted to bring your numbers down, think about whether there are foods you’re okay buying frozen or canned (especially things that you’re going to cook versus consume fresh). Also, snacks are usually expensive and you can substitute bulk nuts for fancier items. Or just keep doing you!
Anon
Thanks (i think!) to whomever posted that what would you buy if money were no object thread. I said a strand of south sea pearls from Kojima, and lo and behold today they announced a sale. Hmmm. Do you think they heard us?
I think I’m buying it. Squee!!
Netherlands Recs?
Headed to the Netherlands for a week. Any great restaurants we should check out? (We already have a rice table reservation.) We’ll be in Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Utrecht, Delft, and Amersfoort. We might be up for one splurge, but overall we’re looking for low key but delicious.
I think we already know which sites we want to visit, but if there’s something non-obvious that’s a must-see, happy to hear about that, too. We got the I Am Amsterdam City Cards, and are planning to visit the Van Gogh museum (have tickets reserved), Rijksmuseum, Rembrandt’s studio, and do a canal tour. Not sure about the other sites. There are so many included in the card! We’re planning to go to Rotterdam during the World Port Days (already have tickets for a boat tour), visit the Royal Delft factory, and my husband is very eager to see the cavalry museum in Amersfoort. Other ideas in any of these places?
TIA!
Ekaterin Nike
Loved Amsterdam! We had the iAmsterdam card and toured some of the smaller museums, like the Museum Van Loom and Museum Ons’Lieve Heer Op Solder (basically a Catholic Church in a House), as well as the National Holocaust Museum.
anonforthis
Envy in Amsterdam, especially for a fancy lunch. Cheaper options: FoodHallen, Yam Yam, Shah Jahan. Try street fries in the other cities (queues in A-dam stalls are mindblowing). I haven’t been going much to the other cities for the last few years, so no specific recomendations.
NL reccs
Hopefully you’ll seee this despite the later posting… for restaurants, Vijff Vleighen in Amsterdam was quite good but pricey – it’s a restaurant stretched across 5 canal houses. Don’t miss the original Rembrandts on the wall.
Other faves below that weren’t mentioned in your original list:
Hague:
LOVED the Louwman Museum, which is a really cool car museum that a lot of visitors seem to not hear about. I got there using the bus from the main Hague train station, but one could also walk. I love cars though, so perhaps not your thing.
Amsterdam:
Went to Anne Frank House on a whim when they opened up tickets unexpectedly on a few day’s lead time after I had tried unsuccessfully months earlier, and it way surpassed my expectations. The unexpected winner of my Amsterdam museum visits.
Bike tour of the city was really cool, I actually liked it better than the canal tour. I did it early on a weekend morning and the guide stops and shows you cool things around the city, and you get to travel like a local!
Concertgebouw: if you like classical music, this is one of the halls with the very best acoustics (behind Vienna, tied or right above or below Symphony Hall in Boston). They often have open practices at lunch on Wednesday, the line started a bit before then. Having attended the free rehearsal, I would encourage similarly inclined people to buy concert tickets for an actual performance.
Utrecht:
Probably one of my favorite places ever visited – such a cool old city. Mostly just enjoy walking around here, but would recommend Olivier beer garden which is in a old cathedral. Great selection and really cool atmosphere, didn’t try the food but suspect it is good too.
Anon
I loved loved loved the Netherlands but found the food very underwhelming. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but just wanted you to go in with realistic expectations.
NYCer
Restaurants in Amsterdam: de Kas, Cafe de Klepel, Envy, Pluk (very casual lunch)
You should try to make reservations when you can.
Huge recommendation for Hotel Pulitzer if you haven’t picked a hotel yet. And if you have, the bar is cute for a drink and actually the restaurant in the courtyard is also very beautiful.
Mocha Milkshake
For restaurants in Amsterdam, I definitely recommend Blue Pepper. It’s an Indonesian restaurant. They only do set menus – that was a little confusing at first, but you got to pick between 2 set menus. The food was AMAZING. I still think about it. I think it was on the pricier side, but not super expensive.
Anonymous
Has anyone been to South India? Any tips for what to pack, or other tips in general? I have a business trip there right after my wedding, so we’re turning it into an impromptu honeymoon!
Cookbooks
When are you going? At the moment, it’s hot, humid, and depending on the area, under water.
Cookbooks
I agree with everything Dosas for Days said below (I have Kerala roots, too). I’ll add that maxi skirts can be good to bring. Anything cotton/linen/silk. Avoid shorts. Usually only little boys wear them. If you plan on visiting any religious sites, like a temple, be prepared to remove your shoes.
And definitely bring lots of mosquito repellent! They will eat you.
Have fun! It’s beautiful
Dosas for Days
Yes, first-gen American with roots in Kerala here. Bring mosquito repellent (the good stuff), sunscreen, a good umbrella (for rain or sun), good walking sandals, cotton or other natural-fiber clothing that can dry quickly outdoors/in your room. Always buy bottled water (or if you’re renting a home, be ready to boil your water, especially given the recent monsoons in southern India). Depending on where you go, south India can veer a bit more traditional than metro areas of north India. Cities like Bangalore and Hyderabad are similar, culture-wise, to cities in the U.S. Bring Ziploc bags if you want to bring back coffee, tea, spices, etc. from your trip, since the U.S. quality is superior to Indian brands. I recommend wearing long sleeves or 3/4 sleeves and full-length pants (think cotton or linen) for coverage from the sun. Full-length pants to fit in plus coverage from the sun. If you are planning to drive around India, book a driver through your hotel or a local guide. Driving in India is madness. You’ll already have a visa through your work trip, so shouldn’t be any issues there. Enjoy your trip, and congrats in advance!
Anokha
In general, south india is more conservative than north india, so I’d recommend loose fitting linen pants and T-shirt’s. Also something to cover your head if you go to a temple!
Amma
If you share more detail about where you are going, I can provide good recommendations.
Signed, Chennai born and schooled who has lived the last 15 years in the US.
Favorite hair dryer?
I know this has been discussed several times, but my searches haven’t turned anything up, so apologies for the repeat.
My 10 year old Conair is struggling, and after spending a humid summer trying to embrace my wavy hair, I am back to wanting to dry my hair daily, and it’s time to upgrade to a nicer hair dryer. I want something that will dry my thick, shoulder-length hair quickly and help limit frizz, preferably available on Amazon and under $100. Recommendations/links to prior conversations?
Cat
Babyliss!
Anonymous
I have both a T3 and a babyliss. The babyliss is really good and much cheaper than the T3. I think the T3 is “better”, but I’m not sure it’s worth all the extra money I paid.
SC
I also have thick, wavy hair that can be frizzy, and I love my Babybliss Pro hair dryer. It’s available from Amazon, but it might be a little cheaper elsewhere. (I also love the Babybliss Pro flat iron for days I don’t wash and dry my hair.)
Marshmallow
Yep, Babyliss all the way.
AZCPA
I had a T3 that finally died. I asked my hairdresser what I should replace it with. She said that while most her her salon uses Babyliss, she actually prefers Sam Villa. I bought one (last year’s special edition color so it was on sale) and am in love.
Anonymous
My favorite has been a T3. When mine died, I replaced it with a Babyliss. I also bought a Rusk W8Less. I don’t recall now why I got both (maybe intended to return one and missed the window?), but I choose to use the Rusk, which was much less than the other two.
+1
I got a Rusk W8Less after it was recommended here and I LOVE it. It takes FOREVER to dry my hair with regular hair dryers, and it’s so much faster. (I was out of town for a while using hotel room hairdryers and missed it!).
Anonymous
Dyson has been life changing for my fine wavy frizzy hair.
Anonymous
If someone mentioned to you that their signing bonus was in the very high 5-figure range in a CFO type position, what do you think their salary range would be? Just curious…
Anonymous
$500k+…I think it’s pretty unheard of to have a signing bonus be more than 20% of your base salary.
Anon
Eh, I got a signing bonus in the 6 figures that was half of my annual salary. It depends on what you’re coming from and what you’re giving up – in my case, long term compensation, and the fact that it was just what it took to get me to move.
ER
I would expect that someone in that position gets a substantial initial restricted stock grant. Not sure whether your friend would consider that part of the signing bonus.
Anonymous
Does anyone ever feel unfairly judged by their coworkers for some personal decisions that you make? Specifically, in my instance, it came up a few weeks ago that my husband and I hire a cleaning service and a lawn service to come every other week. I didn’t think having either one of these service providers was particularly unusual or extravagant. DH and I have no kids and both work full time, very well paying jobs for our city and have just decided that we’d rather not spend our precious weekend time mowing the grass or cleaning the house.
The head of my group was really, truly floored that “two able bodied adults with no kids didn’t clean their own house or mow their own lawn.” At least one of the other partners in my group (all very early forties) seemed to agree… I was completely taken aback by their comments/reaction. We talk about our personal lives on a fairly regular basis… and my comment came up naturally in the conversation we were having over lunch. I’m at least 10 years younger than the rest of them, and they all had multiple kids by the time they were my age, so I don’t know if that has something to do with it… I’m clearly not sharing anything going forward. I can only begin to imagine their reaction if they knew we kept some portion of our finances separate from each other.
I don’t know what I’m looking for… just commiseration I guess. Sigh.
Anonymous
I’m happy to tell you that I think your co-workers are nuts. I hire people to do both of these things for me (mow my grass and clean my house). Yes, I could. I’m able-bodied and I’m sure could find the time, if I needed. But I don’t *want* to and I am willing to pay the price for it.
BigLaw Sr Assoc
Yeah so much this.
Anonymous
They’re just jealous they didn’t hire help sooner. Ignore and move on.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
Hugs! I’ve been there, and it sucks. When DH and I bought a house, I had just moved to a lower paying job and he was going n the middle of a 2-yegrad school (but we both had several prior years in high paying jobs and were good about savings).
Anon
I share nothing with coworkers for exactly that reason.
Dahlia
My coworkers are like this! The judgiest people over absolutely nothing. My standard m.o. is to share as little about my personal life as possible, but sometimes things slip out in conversation. I’m also the youngest one by 10-15 years and I get a lot of “when I was your age…” comments. Recently I mentioned that I live alone and my coworkers all had more questions that I could ever have imagined. One of them asked what I do when things break around the house. Um, I fix them? Or I hire someone to fix them? Amazing how I can wield a screwdriver without the presence of a man! They all seemed flabbergasted and one person even said that it seemed “dangerous” and I should call him if I ever felt unsafe.
I just try to ignore it and keep from being the topic of conversation as much as possible. Fortunately, I’m in a field that attracts introverts so not being chatty isn’t too weird. But I do occasionally wish I could just have a normal conversation with a coworker.
Daffodil
Hugs! DH and I bought a house while he was in the middle of grad school, and I got a lot of judgment on how we could afford both school and the house payments. We both had previously worked in high paying jobs and done a lot of saving, but it was also weird / personal to have to explain that to people (while also conveying that I can deal with my own finances, thank you very much). I had one co worker in particular who was very judgy about how others spent their money on nice houses / cars / cleaning services / live in nannies, and was always careful about the subject of our conversations for that purpose. Try not to let it bug you!
Anonymous
My coworkers are like this. DH and I like to travel and I can’t even share our destinations because they are so judgy about anything they perceive as “fancy” (which is not even always accurate – you can stay in a hostel in Italy or a Four Seasons in Arizona, but they act like anywhere international makes you a millionaire).
Anon
I get the opposite. I was noting that my SAHD husband, while really truly excelling at the keeping baby alive, happy and thriving part, is still struggling with the keeping up with basic household tasks part to the extent that I am still doing all the cooking, whatever interim cleaning needs to be done between our 2x a month housekeeper, laundry, etc. And the response was that I should outsource more – hire a “mother’s helper”, get a laundry service, up the housekeeper to 1x a week, etc.
Also, for commiseration, pre-baby we had a housekeeper come 1x a month and a lawn-care service come weekly in our DINK household and that was pretty normal. Maybe it’s generational?
Anony
First world problems…
Anonymous
Your coworkers are ridiculous and rude. I’m judging them for judging you!
LaurenB
I think you need to not have these conversations with these people. Keep it more strictly business. If the topic comes up again, you can nicely divert with “different strokes for different folks … now, how about [business topic].”
LAJen
My coworkers are actually aghast that I (a single person living alone) don’t have a cleaning service, so maybe this is the area you’re in? Nearly everyone I know hires a service of some sort, regardless of whether or not they have kids. I’m the outlier!
Betterandbetter
*Said completely sincerely with no snark* Everyone has limited time, money, focus, health and chooses to spend them differently. I don’t have a lawn and wouldn’t use a cleaning service because I dont like the idea of strangers in my house but think its a perfectly valid decision for someone else who doesn’t have my hang up and just because someone is able bodied doesnt mean they arent struggling with mental health issues that make keeping house legitimately hard/impossible. I’m just really struck by the fact that this is still on your mind *weeks* later. I’m honestly curious as to why this bothered you this much? Obviously other people agree with you that this is upsetting so I don’t think you are unusal in this I just don’t get it.
Anonymous
Are you actually suggesting that the only reason someone wouldn’t want to clean their house all the time is “mental health issues”?
Many, many people do the calculus and find they are happier to part with the money than the time to have a clean home. Those people don’t necessarily have mental health issues.
Anon
I have a coworker who comments on how many clothes I have and I finally told her I get everything on eBay.
Ariadne
My co workers are for the most part non— judgey. I would say that 5 – 10 percent-can sometimes act astounded, or even a little snarky. I don’t have kids, and have had a few co workers keep telling me that oh, you can do such and such a thing because you have no kids. Or you can afford this because you don’t have kids…or you have a nice condo in an expensive area, but I have so many expenses in my huge house that is not in as great of an area…yada yada… there may be a grain of truth to some of their comments and assumptions, but that doesn’t mean that my choices aren’t carefully thought out, and that they should say this.
Lauren
I’ve been unfairly judged by my peers when I decided to pursue a sexual relationship with a junior partner. We are both consenting adults and he understands my unique needs and fulfills them.
Puddlejumper
Headed to Boston this next month for a fun weekend. Never have been. Both my husband and I thought the other person had booked a hotel/airbnb and nope!
Any recs on where we should stay? We tend to like smaller boutique places.
If not a rec – a neighborhood we should focus on?
Thanks!
Cookbooks
If you’re interested in staying downtown Boston, Nine Zero is a trendy little boutique place. It’s right on the Freedom Trail and close to the T. In Back Bay, which is a beautiful, pricier neighborhood the Inn at St. Botolph is supposed to be fantastic. On the other side of the Charles, the Kendall Hotel is nice. It’s also near the T, MIT, and the Charles.
AIMS
I stayed at the Kimpton hotel near the Boston Garden and had a nice time. Not the prettiest block itself but hotel was good and we could walk to everything.
Little Red
The Godfrey Hotel, right off the Downtown Crossing stop, is very good.
Anonymous
Teachers and professors!
I accepted a position teaching at a community college a legal assistant program. It’s a great job for me and I’m so excited to have it. The materials I’ve been given are pretty small – we’re talking eighty hours of instruction on a core area of law with only 25 textbook pages. Can anyone give me any suggestions as to how to fill four hours of teaching? I feel like I just need to figure out how to do one class without going into to crazy detail that’s of no use to anyone and then I will be all set.
Coach Laura
Before I applied for my first community college teaching position (in business/finance) I googled “intro to finance syllabus” and looked at about 20 different syllabi for similar courses at multiple schools. Then I reviewed the textbooks that they used (which has already been picked for you) and then started to draft an out line. I did this before my interview so if asked, I could show that I was ready.
Then I fleshed out my outline for the weeks of class duration and produced a power point for each class. If you have to come up with 80 hours, you’re going to have to do a lot of prep. You’ll need to talk off the cuff almost entirely because reading notes will get very boring for the students.
Start with the outline then start powerpoint slides. (You’ll probably hand them out but even if you don’t end up handing them out, you can use it for verbal prep.) You’ll need to have interesting things to talk about, so look for articles to share, internet sites, talk about LexisNexis, legal research sites, find resources for students who need help with formatting word documents or computer skills. Really, I have no idea the level of your students’ skills, but you’ll need to have an idea. Since it’s a trade-school type class as opposed to an academic class like math or economics, you might approach it by thinking if you hired someone to be your legal assistant, what would you want them to know and how you’d approach training them from scratch if they had no law experience and then scale it up to a class of more than one person.
My school also had “competency goals” for the division, so you can ask if the class has learning targets or something that shows what students should know before advancing past the class or getting their certificate or whatever.
I’m not sure if you consider the above “crazy detail” but having to fill 80 hours – or even just 4 – is pretty daunting to me without a goal and an outline.
Anonymous
Thank you!!! I’ve made slides and have an outline to use (am required to use) but I have no idea how anyone filled four hours with this outline.
This is helpful.
Dismal science
Sorry for the late reply, but hopefully you’ll look back. Break up the time if it’s 4 hours straight with some individual or small group activities. Like, break into groups of 3 or 4 and have thd groups discuss something related to what you just covered, or have students take a few minutes to write questions and then go over questions they want to ask. Students need mental breaks from a power point lecture. Having them stand up and move around some helps too.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
Late but I hope you see this…
I’ve taught a lot of multi hour classes and I’ve learned several things. First schedule breaks. On day 1 offer a couple of schedule options and have them vote on the one they like best. Some like several short breaks, some like one long break.
Plan to have at least one group activity per class and if possible, something active. With classes that had a lot of sleeping looking people I’ve made everyone get up and move to a new seat every hour.
You can also have them do some of the more homework type assignments in class so you can see what they are doing and help them get started. You can also have them do an in class assignment that you can easily review before the next class or even during a break. I’ve found these really helpful in helping me figure where the students were and how basic or advanced I needed to get on any topic.
Work help
I’ve been “off” at work all week- keep making silly mistakes, and boss just came in to underscore that one mistake was an important issue and I need to be more careful going forward (though someone else caught it and it was fine in the end). I fully recognize it was my error, but I hate that someone has to tell me that. I’ve been in this job 3 months, and it still feels very new and uncomfortable. I’m a perfectionist so all these mistakes are driving me crazy. And I’ve been feeling very down about it all week.
Any advice on turning around my outlook, or feeling more upbeat about my job? I want to like it, but it can also be rather boring and I hate not being good at (or at least not feeling good about) what I do.
Flats Only
I’ve had weeks like that. It was PMS. You will be “on” again next week.
Anon
3 months is still really new! You will get better and also it is human to make mistakes.
Anonymous
3 months is new. Would it make you feel better if you were doing something “proactive” with respect to the mistakes from this week? Like, keep a post it note or a word doc that is just a list of things to remember based on the comments from this week? For example, “when doing X type of work, remember that it all has to be in size 13 font” “client 1 wants us to send emails letting them know Item ABC happened as soon as we learn item ABC happened.” This helps me, in at least that I’ll end up making newer, different mistakes rather then the same mistake again.
Aunt
Question for all you aunts out there. Husband and I have no kids, but my sister has three — age 3, 7, and 9, and both of us adore her kids. We live about four hours away, and only see each other once every couple of months. Husband and I usually buy small gifts for all the kids, but as they are getting older, and ask for more specific and expensive gifts, we decided that instead of buying a gift for every kid, every time, we would perhaps buy something small, or a book for all of them, and focus the bigger toy requests— LEGO, and dolls for example, for birthdays and Christmas only.
We have seen them a few times since deciding this, and it feels as though if each kid does not receive a gift, they are disappointed. Of course they are kids, and will eventually get used to this, but recently we brought nephew larger LEGO gift for his birthday, and nieces received small necklaces, and some little Knick knacks. Older niece was really “off” all day, and though she played and did things with us, she was pretty uncooperative all day as a result on not receiving an larger present. I’m sure this will pass, but I don’t want to Feel I need to purchase gifts every time I want to visit, or they visit. Another issue is that my sister is so over tired from working, etc, that when I do send books, or things for the kids, I don’t receive any heads up or feedback on how the items I picked out were received. She is a really hands on and very involved parent, so it upsets me, and my parents when we find items and give the kids specific things they would like, and rarely receive thanks or feedback…though we usually ask, and then she tells us they loved it, etc. Not sure what my question is, but I don’t want to be a petty aunt who always need a formal thank you. I just wish there was a way I could feel like my effort was noticed.
Anon
Wow you are way overdoing it on the gift thing. You need to stop buying gifts for anything other than birthdays and definitely don’t bring anything just because you are visiting. And your sister is tired from working (and I’m sure parenting too). I don’t know how this is her fault. You’re creating an additional burden for her buy overbuying for her kids and then expecting her to not only thank you, but to describe the level of enjoyment they get from each gift. It’s probably more stuff she has to pick up and doesn’t need in her house.
Just stop with the gifts. If you want to do something nice for your nieces and nephews, take them to have experiences like the zoo or the park or whatever, and give sis a break.
Senior Attorney
This this this.
Take them on outings, read stories with them, roughhouse with them, but enough with the gifts.
Aunt
I agree with the comments and appreciate the suggestions.
A bit more background…. I have certainly reduced the gifts…though my parents less so! Ive always tried to give smaller more modest gifts (book, cart stuff, art…) in fact my sister has appreciated that my gifts are smaller, more modest, and more restrained, or experience gifts, such as outdoor yard games, or something all kiddos can do together type stuff.
I would love to take the kiddos to do things, but I’m finding it hard, as it takes four hours to drive to her place, and then she is at least half and hour or more farther away from anything…she lives in a semi rural suburb where the city is about 40 minutes away. It also requires a ferry to visit her, which is another cost, and waiting time… so it is a minimum of250 dollars to visit her every time. I can afford it, but it adds up…
I would love it if when the kids are older, I could take them on a city type gallery/ park/ festival type of outing in my city which has tons to do.
Mpls
You don’t have to go into the city to spend time with the kids. Take them to the local park, or on a picnic, or out to the restaurant that IS in town. The point is to spend time with them, so it doesn’t have to be fancy or out of the ordinary. Go play some of those outdoor games with them.
Senior Attorney
Late to this, but you don’t have to spend money on them, period. Read them a story. Watch their favorite movie with them. (OMG kids LOVE their favorite movies and they LOVE to have somebody watch with them!) Bake cookies with them.
anon
Jesus. My parents would have never let me hear the end of it if I behaved like I deserved a gift from anyone, much less someone who had been so generous with me. Your sister needs to tell her kids to cut it out. This is awful behavior and I don’t blame them, because they’re kids.
You tell your sister that you’re phasing out visit gifts, sticking to reasonable Christmas/bday gifts, and that she can tell her kids to be grateful. This isn’t just for your benefit- this is a crucial life skill they need to develop.
OTOH, the fact that you expect a follow up from your sister is obnoxious. You’re split between wanting validation from her and your kids, and wanting your effort noticed, and not wanting the burden. Or are you okay with accepting the burden as long as you get appropriately thanked? Your sister is not asking you to give stuff to her kids. This is a choice you are making. Do not burden her with your need for validation while you clutter her home with items and, apparently, spoil her kids.
Biggest question: have you ever actually discussed this with her so you two can get on the same page?
Aunt
I accept the responses about it being demanding to ask an update on the gifts, I have never actually asked her about this, ( unless it comes up when we just chat about something related to kids…like she says “nephew has been reading all day, glad that the book arrived in mail, is that one you sent?) of course deep down I wanted to…I know how busy she is, and it is ridiculous to expect this in reality! ( I did order a gift to be shipped for a b day, and I only asked her if it arrived…it did not, so glad I could sort this).
I think there is truth here in what you are saying about wanting validation. According to my husband, it’s not about the gifts, but that in my family, I’m the one who reaches out the most, and does things, while it seems harder for sister to reciprocate. I do much more to help parents, and help out in general, so this is likely part a larger issue of family dynamics.
Anonymous
Of course it’s harder for her than reciprocate. She has three young children and you have none.
Anonymous
I’d urge you to take a step back and look at ALL the stuff you’re doing for your family. It’s possible you’re over-helping/functioning. I’m basing that on what i noticed when people said to stop buying gifts, period. Do stuff instead. You responded with how difficult it is to plan events given their location and the travel time, etc. What people were trying to say was not that you should visit MORE, and not that you should now turn all your gift-buying energy into Planning Events, but that when you DO visit, stop buying things. Keep it simple. Go for walks. Take the kids to a park. If there’s a ferry ride involved to get there, I assume this is a location with some nice outdoor areas and water and such. Go there. Get an ice cream cone. Watch clouds together.
It’s possible you’re Doing All The Things in your family and doing way more than you actually need to.
Aunt
Thank you for pointing this out. I am always trying to do things, and bring the family together, and it feels overwhelming at times, especially when my family are all smart and very complex, and individualistic people.
Hildy
Definitely stop with the gifts – it would drive me crazy if someone was giving my kids gifts that frequently (and this appears to be the trend, every single birthday party we attended for children last year specified no presents). At Christmas and birthdays we limit close family members to 1 gift per child as well.
ER
I’m surprised at how critical some of the responses were towards you. I’m sure you are a fabulous aunt, and that your nieces and nephews look forward to your visits and cherish you! I think you’re doing the right thing, though, to back off on the gift giving. It’s possible that they built up an expectation around these large gifts, but they’ll get over it quickly (being kids). I know it’s hard sometimes, but try not to get bogged down in a transactional mindset (gratitude in exchange for gifts), and focus on building that deep relationship with both your sister and her kids for the long term (which really doesn’t have to involve you bringing any gifts at all).
Aunt
Thank you. It’s not always easy to paint an accurate picture of the issues with all the nuances and feelings that crop up as I write. I am looking forward to seeing the kiddos again and spending time with them, especially in light of all the helpful suggestions and kind comments.
LAnon
Not sure if you’ll check this thread again over the weekend, but just want to chime in with a little anecdote…
My father used to bring us gifts when he came home from business trips, until one day when he came home and the first words out of our mouths were “Whatcha get me?? Whatcha get me???” My mother told us the next day that we had hurt our father’s feelings because it seemed like we were only happy to get gifts and not happy to see him or have him home.
I still remember the conversation because it was the first time in my life (I think I was 7 or 8) that I really grasped that my parents had feelings like me and that I was capable of hurting my parents’ feelings, even if I didn’t mean to. I felt really bad about it – I still feel a twinge of guilt as I tell this story!
It might be worth having a gentle conversation with the 7 and 9 year old about your feelings about the gifts, and why they might notice you bringing fewer gifts. One interpretation of your niece’s difficult behavior when she got a small gift could be that she thought you were mad at her, or loved her less, or something like that. She’s old enough for you to have a conversation with her where you share some of your feelings and ask her for some of hers.
Aunt
Yes…I think you have zoomed in on the issues. I want the kiddos to know why I just want to spend time with them, and not make it about the gifts. I want to see them more often and help, but I know it’s not easy for me to visit, or for a mom of three to drag kiddos to see me— that is even harder.
DLC
I so much agree with a lot that is being said above about stopping the presents. This is absolutely not a judgement on you or your expectations; children are ungrateful little sh*ts, especially when their sense of entitlement is habitually catered to and not smacked down. I was horrified the other day with a kid I was babysitting, when I asked her what she loved most about her grandmother, she said, “I love that she buys me presents.” (Though we’re probably more strict about the smackdown than most: We’re the parents who told our daughter she couldn’t have a 6th birthday party because she didn’t send thank you notes for her 5th one…With my own niece, I’m happy if she calls and says thank you, mostly because they live far away and I never know if they got their package.)
I totally understand the impulse to give gifts, though. Maybe if you don’t want to show up empty handed you can bring and activity type gift: a board game, or outdoor game, or a box of brownie mix…. something to do together, so you can create an experience, but still have it feel like you are bringing something?
Also, it is definitely tough to be the one that does all the heavy lifting in a relationship, but sometimes, when things are tough for others, that is the reality, and you kind of just have to make your peace with the idea that the relationship is worth the heavy lifting.
Susan
Yes! Board games, baking, horseshoes, etc. Bring an activity with you. In fact, the parents might love it if you took them out of the house so they could breathe and relax without the kiddos around.
Aunt
I like the idea of a board game, or something we can all do together…I’m going to look into taking the kids to and art studio for kisses, or us all just going to the park to play.
I know that the heavy lifting is worthwhile, and that I have to find ways to be more upbeat and focused about this, as it can be emotionally draining.
Aunt
Meant art studio for kids and craft type of creation…not kisses!
NOLA
My family has a tradition of bringing board games and puzzles for holiday get togethers. We played Quelf for years when my nephews were growing up and they still only want to play when we’re all together. We laugh so hard, we cry, and we have such great memories of playing with my Dad (who has since passed away). We *always* do puzzles together and it’s a great way to sit around a table and do something together. The one year when I couldn’t go for Christmas, I sent them a board game, then heard all of the fun stories about them playing it. It’s a great tradition!
KW
I’m not sure if you’re still reading, but I thought I would chime in. My sister lives a plane ride away and when she comes to visit, my 6 yo just wants her to come over to our house so they can play. My sister chases her around, plays hide and seek, picks her up and spins her around, etc. It’s the best because my daughter loves it, but I don’t always have the time or energy to do that stuff with work, cooking dinner, bath time, etc.
Aunt
Thanks for this. Hanging out and playing games with nieces and nephews is such a highlight for me.
Not Superwoman
I’m having a bit of a personal crisis brought on by laundry and looking for guidance. Got a call at work today from my fiance, who informed me that he found a day old load of laundry in the washer and he was throwing out the clothes because they smelled mildewy. This is definitely my fault, but in my defense I try to do as many chores as I can when I get home at night and on weekends and sometimes I just run out of time, think I’ll get it in the morning, and then forget. I tried to explain this to him and he accused me of getting overwhelmed by even the simplest task, which hurt me a lot. I’ve always been an overachiever and a feminist who believes gender roles shouldn’t dictate responsibilities at home, but in reality I take on the bulk of the work because it seems easier than having to delegate and cajole my finance into doing it. And it is exhausting. I feel like the female role models I had growing up were the “have it all” type and they seemed to have no problem handling professional and domestic responsibilities together. I feel like a mess for not being able to do the same. Can one train to get better at this? Or should I accept that I’m just not going to be good enough. Is there some third solution?
Anon
To start with I wouldn’t do any of your fiancé’s laundry. You need to stop trying to do everything yourself. That is not what feminism is about. Cajoling isn’t either. He can wash his own towels and underwear and stop criticizing you.
Senior Attorney
Buy him his own laundry basket and don’t look back. There is no upside to you doing his laundry.
And also? Throwing out the clothes is ridiculous. Run them through again and they will be fine.
And also? He sounds horrible and I would not be with somebody if my choices were “do all the work” or “delegate and cajole him into doing it.”
There is definitely somebody in this scenario who is not good enough, and it most definitely is not you.
January
+1. I live alone. Sometimes I forget to move the laundry to the dryer. It happens. Throwing out the clothes because they “smelled mildewy” is an extreme reaction, and so is accusing you of being unable to handle simple tasks. Your fiance is being mean.
Also, not a 100% serious suggestion, but instead of getting apologetic and defensive when he calls to complain about how you handled the laundry, yell at him for throwing out clothes that could be salvaged. That’s wasteful and childish.
Anonymous
+1. I think the third solution is to realize that this is a normal mistake that happens occasionally, run the clothes through again with soap and vinegar, and shrug it off as a minor annoyance. Please consider that your partner is unreasonable and you may not want to sign up for a lifetime of this.
Anon
+1 I would have totally yelled about him throwing out the clothes. Wholly unnecessary.
Anonymous
Oh, yes to the response! I think it would be fair to suggest that it was extremely lazy of him to throw away a load of clothes in order to avoid running simply pressing a few buttons and adding soap to the machine to run them through a new cycle, and if that task is too “overwhelming” for him he might need to reconsider whether he is up to sharing a life and a household with another person.
Coach Laura
+1,000,000 to the above.
I think he overreacted, you may not want him as a partner, you are “good enough” and all that people have posted.
On a practical matter, though, I have learned that I am scatter-brained. One thing that works for me though, for anything important, is to put an alarm on my phone or a kitchen timer for anything important ( and I do it for paying bills, getting dog food etc). On my phone, I set up reminders like “take clothes out of laundry and dry” at 8:00 p.m. Otherwise I’ll forget. I put a timer (sometimes more than one) on otherwise I’ll burn the cookies. A lot of these are ADHD strategies but whether or not I’m ADHD, I need them. I put a reminder on my phone at 5:00 that says “get dog food on way home from work” otherwise my dogs will get to eat leftovers. At work, I use bullet journaling and reminders on my calendar and sticky notes on my car keys saying remember to bring dry cleaning to cleaners.
So don’t feel like a mess, use tools to remember important things, and yes, you can train yourself.
And at a minimum, make Fiancé do his own laundry.
Senior Attorney
And also? He called you at work over this?
Sheesh.
Don’t buy into this nastiness.
Ellen
I agree. I am very late and not likeley to be read, but he sounds like my ex. Abusive and demenaing. FOOEY on him. Loose him NOW b/f you marry him. If he protests, give him an ultimatum. One more outburst and he is OUT! Get it? OUT! AND mean it! No one needs abuse like that!
Anonymous
Accept that you are good enough, just as you are. His reaction to clothes that had been left in the washing machine was to throw them out, rather than to rewash them? It sounds like he is the one who is overwhelmed by simple household tasks. I’m sure that to the outside world you seem to have no problem handling professional and domestic responsibilities together. Maybe cut yourself some slack? I can assure you that none of us are perfect all the time.
Anonymous
This is crazy pants. By comparison DH does all his own laundry and helped me figure out how to rescue a load i accidentally left in the washer for two days.
Sit down and divide up all household tasks evenly.
Be very cautious about marrying this guy.
Anonymous
First: Your fiance has completely overreacted to day-old laundry. Throw it back in the wash with a little Oxy Odor Fighter (or vinegar/baking soda??) and start again. His impulse to throw everything away, in order to punish and demean you, is absurd.
Second: Do not let your fiance make broad, overreaching statements of criticism like “You get overwhelmed by even the smallest task” in response to one non-event.
Third: What is your fiance doing to participate in running in the household? You may need to have a discussion about division of labor.
Fourth: Give yourself a break.
Fifth: If you can’t address 1-3 in a constructive manner, remember that “fiance” has no legal significance and is a relationship that can change without a moment’s notice.
Anon
While I do 100% of the joint laundry (towels, sheets, etc.) and my laundry and 75% of our daughter’s laundry, my husband is 100% responsible for his clothes and occasionally runs a few loads of our daughter’s laundry. He hates that I routinely leave clothes in the dryer (usually because I put them in to dry as we are going to bed and don’t have time to pull them out in the morning) because he always pulls stuff out promptly, but my response is always that *he* could just take them out and fold them. Inevitably they end up piled on our guest bed for me to fold later, but I at least don’t tolerate the complaining about it.
+1 to the just rewash the clothes and they’ll be fine comment. I leave wet clothes in the washer overnight probably at least a couple of times a month for the reasons you say, and I just rewash them and they are fine.
You’re going to get a lot of comments like the above about how your fiance is terrible and needs to do more or you should leave him because you would otherwise have to “delegate and cajole” him into doing chores. I will tell you that it is something you should have a conversation about, and think about, but at the end of the day, it is about what you personally can live with. I married my husband knowing that he is terrible, absolutely terrible, at “keeping house” and we have vastly different standards of cleanliness and I love him anyways and he is so good to me and for me in so many other ways. I, a full-time working mom, do 95% of the household cleaning that isn’t outsourced to our 2x a month housekeeper. While I get grumpy and complain about it and wish he would do more sometimes, I just do what I can and accept that I share a home with him and so it is not going to be 100% up to my standards because I can’t do all the work. At the end of the day, it’s not worth fighting about for me.
LittleBigLaw
What’s more concerning than OP’s fiance’s not helping with chores is the obvious negative impact his comments/behavior are having on her self esteem. Even the best marriages are hard sometimes and this guy frankly doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough for the compromises and mutual support that are necessary.
Anon
He threw out the clothes rather than just wash them again?! What is his problem?
WTH
This guy is a childish, incompetent arsehole. Tell me he has good qualities or is just super young. Like 24 or something.
Anonymous
Yeah the solution is kind co out your selfish childish fiancé and be single it’s way better. What kind of psychotic drama queen calls you at work to tell you he’s throwing out Day old laundry? Like just rewash it? He doesn’t help and then he’s a jerk to you for not being perfect. Move out and then go to therapy to really learn that you deserve better than this.
Not Superwoman
OP here. Thanks all for being a sounding board and for the words of support and perspective. While you wouldn’t know it from this post, finance is actually very loving and kind. He apologized and admitted he acted particularly irrationally at the end of a rough week. We talked and agreed that he needed to help me out more around the house. Also, most importantly (ha), the clothes are safe and being re-washed as we speak.
Anonymous
“Help” you? What the wat?
Anon
“Agreed to help more” is bullsh1t and just words. An apology is a good start but he needs to do an actual 50% of the housework and not just agree to help more. When you even use words like help more, that means it’s YOUR job and he’s just helping. More. Sometimes.
I’m serious, do not let this relationship start this way and do not become the lady with the list assigning him, cajoling him, reminding him. Divide up the responsibilities now and if he doesn’t do his, they don’t get done.
Min Donner
While it seems to more typically be a gendered thing, my husband does 90% of our laundry, and growing up my father did almost all of the laundry in the house, and certainly all of the ironing. So to me, laundry was never a “female” task. I think this whole conversation underscores the importance of raising the current and future generations with the skills and the sense of personal responsibility for ALL of the necessary household chores (etc.) so that everyone is capable of taking care of themself, and if/when coupled, they can make reasonable and agreed tradeoffs to come to a fair division of labor.
Anon
Can totally relate to all of the female role models basically doing everything. Great careers, multiple children, home cooked food every night, and ALL the tasks – laundry, finances, kin-keeping. Just for fun, I’ll mention that we didn’t have a washing machine until I was 11 and my Mom (who was all of the above) did laundry with one of those old school laundry boards. She stole a centrifuge from her work as a lab scientist to spin the laundry so it could dry faster. And she sewed our clothes. And when we just moved to the US and were crazy poor, she fed our family of 4 on $100 per month (while working and while my Dad wallowed in depression on the couch). Anyway, I am seriously struggling with this, to the point that I had a falling out with one of my most important mentors because I suggested leaning out at my job after new baby and she kind of dropped me like a hot potato (despite having raised 2 kids herself). I don’t know what I am missing. Is there some magic power that made these women able to do all of this heavy lifting? Am I just an inferior human being? But I really cannot get everything done without help or just completely erasing all standards. I think part of it was we (the kids) were unsupervised an insane amount of time and were expected to take care of our own school work and activities without anyone checking anything except occasional chats with the teachers. On this board, the advice is usually to outsource. But all of these women I admire didn’t outsource and didn’t have parental help and somehow got it all done and all their kids have grown up to be functional members of society and I am just like – HOW??
Anonymous
Your mother sounds like a remarkable woman — incredibly smart, lots of drive, determined to do what it took to keep her family fed and clothed, and a very, very hard worker. But reading between the lines, she also had/has a disappointing marriage, couldn’t be present as a parent, and was likely often exhausted with little space for rest, margin, joy, friendships, wonder, creativity, and intimacy with others.
There is also this: Don’t underestimate the impetus that being crazy poor and having children to feed can give. If your kids’ meals and future were on the line, I bet you’d find yourself doing whatever it took, just like your mother did.
But. She did all that so you could have a different kind of life. Have it.
Anonymous
What a wonderful response.
Flats Only
Do not proceed with marrying a man who takes punitive actions (throwing away your clothes!) when you make a normal human mistake.
Anonymous
Help!! I really need input. So I really want to quit my job I’ve bern there four years and have reached complete burn out due to the workload and hours. It is starting to affect my health. My issue is that in four weeks we get our bonus paid out. I want to give notice in one week / I would give four weeks notice so I would still be employed one week after bonus paid out.
My question is can they withhold my bonus?
ER
I’m sure the technical legal answers depends on your state law, your employment contract, and what the employer has said about when you have “earned” the bonus.
But, if it were me, I would not breathe a word about leaving until the check cleared my account. If necessary, take all of your vacation days instead.
Anon
Yes, they can. At most jobs, bonuses are discretionary. If you work on commission or in another profit-sharing scheme, that would be different. Read your offer letter or contract.
That said, are you on good terms with your boss? Does s/he recognize the hard work you do? If so, I might approach her because as a manager, I would much rather get heads up that a valuable employee is leaving rather than them holding out due to fear of retaliation and leaving me with no time to rehire. Usually the bonus situation would be up to higher leadership, so if boss does not tell them until you are ready, you should be OK. That said, boss cannot post the job until your resignation is official (but can start networking to find your replacement). So all this really depends on your environment. The safest thing to do is wait for bonus, give 1 week notice – and that’s what I would do.
Anonymous
Probably. Wait four weeks and get your money.
Leatty
Yes, most likely. I would wait to give notice until after the bonus has been deposited in your account. Most companies require you to be employed on the date bonuses are paid, and they could tell you they don’t want you to work out your notice.
Anon
At my last company bonuses were paid late March, and every year there was a wave of resignations in April
Wait till you have that bonus check deposited before you even make a peep about quitting. Do not talk to your boss about it. Your boss has to allocate bonus funds along staff and no matter how special you think you are, you will get zero or a much smaller allocation if they even suspect you’re leaving.
KLP
Yes, they can. That doesn’t necessarily mean you should change your plans on when to leave, especially since the job is affecting your health.
Ellen
Stay long enough to get the check and make sure it clear’s, Dad says. Then tell them you are leaveing b/c you need to regroup. They can NOT stop the check once it has cleared from their bank. I was not smart when I decided to leave the subpeenie firm. I told them I was leaveing and they gave me NO bonus, which others told me would be $750. I was really PO’ed, b/c that was over a week’s pay. Now, I laugh at that, but at the time, that was REAL money for me. FOOEY on them! I am now in a much better place, but no thank’s to them! DOUBEL FOOEY on the men there b/c all they did was pinch my tuchus!
a lawyer
Yes, they almost certainly can withhold your bonus, assuming it is discretionary and not a commission. Do not say anything. Wait until the check clears the bank.
All that said, I can clearly remember giving all our secretaries a very large bonus, even the one who had already announced she was leaving to move to another town. We are a small firm and most firms will not do that.
You can make it another few weeks. It’s a drop in the bucket of life.
Oh no!
This post reminds me that I asked for advice on a work bag earlier this week, but didn’t go back to read comments. I’m still in knots over this, hope I can remember what post I commented on.
Anonymous
Wardrobe Challenges
Any ideas for Shop Your Closet wardrobe challenges for Fall? I’ve done Wear Everything (two years ago) and Wear the Trends (last Fall), but this year’s trends don’t seem discernibly different than last year’s.
Anonymous
What about the Corporette wardrobe challenge everyone was doing around here several months ago?
Anonymous
Yeah, I thought of that, but the color combinations Kat suggests baffle me. She must have really different coloring, I would look like a flight attendant if I paired light blue with burgundy.
Job Woes/Need a Pep Talk
I need a pep talk/reassurance that I’m not going to stay at this point in my “career” forever.
Long story short (if this sounds familiar I’ve posted here and there asking for advice): I’m 28, have a bachelors in Industry X and graduated with the intention of finding a specific job that only exists in Industry X. I’ve applied literally to hundreds of postings for this specific job, ones that are very similar laterally or that would be stepping stones to this specific job. I’ve gotten far in interviews for these jobs, only to be rejected in the end. After 2 years of searching, I found a stepping stone job in the industry, worked there for 1.5 years and got a promotion to a role more in line with what I want to do I did that for 2 more years and completely burnt myself out and ended up getting fired last year. Last summer I took a receptionist position in a different industry as a stop-gap way to have an income, but I’m making entry level money and really struggling. I’ve been applying and interviewing for admin roles that are a step up and more pay, but keep getting rejected. I feel so completely stuck. I need to make more money. I’m working a second job, but I’m getting drained by constant working just to pay bills. I can’t afford to go back to school because I can’t afford another loan payment.
I feel like SUCH a huge failure. I’m smart, I’m educated, I *know* I can do more career-wise but nothing has been working out for me. I’ve had to battle to find the few meager opportunities that I’ve had and I’m SO TIRED of constantly looking for something new. I’ve given up on my original dream job hunt since I had no success but I don’t know what else to do with my life.
:(
Kale
Not sure if you are looking for advice on getting a higher paying job, but it would be easier for the hive to give you suggestions if you told us the industry you have experience in so far and whether you are willing to move cities and what areas are of interest to you. Most jobs have some transferable skills. Other than that, I think networking is key to learning more about other fields and what is appealing to you.
Speech to Text?
I’m looking for a way that I can dictate into something and have it turn into text… I know this is a thing that works on my phone when sending a quick text or email, but I want to be able to have this option for something much lengthier (2 hr presentations, specifically). Does this exist? If so, what’s the best and most affordable way to do this?
Mom Bod
I’ve never used it, but Dragon Naturally Speaking is dictation software. I’ve always wanted it!
Ouch! That hurts
Dragon Naturally Speaking?
BabyLawyer
I am starting at a BigLaw firm next month and I have no idea what to wear my first week of work. I’ve visited the office and it ranges from suits to business casual to casual. Help!
Equestrian Attorney
Wear a suit on your first day. Look at what other people are wearing (especially women in more junior roles – the senior partner can wear whatever she wants) and go from there.
Of Counsel
For Big Law wear a suit the first day and have a second and third suit ready for the rest of the week (this can be skirt suit, dress in suiting fabric with matching jacket, or pant suit). Be sure one of the jackets goes with one of the non-matching skirts/pants for Thursday. Plan on business casual for Friday unless you will be out of the office.
Then spend some time looking at the mid-level women attorneys (not the partners/not the juniors; try to pick someone your boss likes – the best way to find out is to ask if there is someone whose name you should look for when you are searching the system for exemplars). Figure out what they are wearing and dress accordingly. That does not mean you need to match (in my case that person wore heels that would leave me unable to walk), but match the general level of formality.
And absolutely nothing that could even remotely be considered s*xy!! (Bend over in the blouse to be sure you are not flashing anyone.) That is a first impression it is hard to undo.
Anon
Wear a suit the first week. This will give you time to figure out the right level of formality for your office. With any luck you’ll be assigned a mid-level mentor and she or he can give further advice.
Anonymous
Suit separates (non-matching jacket with pants or skirt or sheath dress), and bring a cardigan or two to keep at work in case you need to downgrade your outfit.
Anonymous
My firm was business causal, with causal on Fridays. As a counter-point to all the wear suits your first week suggestions, that would have been really out of place in my office. Wearing a suit the first day is common and will not give anyone a second thought. You will most likely go out to lunch with people that day; watch what people are wearing. Then match the leave of formality or maybe go a little more formal. But unless people in your firm wear suits for office days, you will be out of place wearing a suit the whole first week.
Blair
does anyone have suggestions for how to cope with the endless “So when will you have kids???” questions, or the endless assumptions everywhere from EVERYONE, not just family, that you will inevitably breed one day? I’m in my mid/late 20s, focusing on my career, and not even dating right now–and yet I still get lectured on how “i’ll change my mind one day.” honestly I find it to be condescending and frustrating. How do I explain to people–family and strangers alike–that it’s my decision and they should back off?
Parfait
I usually just dismissively say “think so?” and change the subject. Life is too short to argue with those people.
NoKidsPlease
anyone have advice for the endless “So when are you having kids?” questions? I’m in my mid/late 20s, not dataing, and working on my career in my country’s version of BigLaw, and yet I still get the assumption that it’s just a matter of time or that I’ll change my mind sooner or later. Hive, any suggestions for how to shut down the conversation from nosy family members, and for how to stop remarks like “oh but it’s different once they’re yours/wait, so you hate children??” from colleagues? I don’t hate kids…I just don’t want my own! and, for my own private medical reasons, I can’t have any, and I’m fine with that. Help!
Parfait
In that circumstance I would be sorely tempted to tell them “I can’t have children” and burst into tears. Serve them right for asking such personal questions.