ByKat Hours Updated
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Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Knee-high boots have been out of style for a few years now — if you listen to the fashion people — so it's interesting to see that knee-high scrunch boots, which seem very ’80s to me, seem to be coming back this fall. I'm looking for a beige or tan pair for this time of year, and I think they'd look great with bare legs for weekend looks (and for workwear looks — but know your office). These boots from Splendid are available in black, greystone, and oat in sizes 6–10 for $228 at Zappos and Nordstrom. Splendid Clayton Here are similar options in two waterproof boots, as well as an OTK suede light beige version from Marc Fisher or this block-heel version from Via Spiga. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

287 Comments

  1. Ok, assuming we all feel worn out, angry and depressed today…what are your plans for self-care this weekend? Face masks, popcorn and movies, naps? I need to plan something because all I’m doing is driving myself insane right now.

      1. I saw the show a couple weeks ago and almost died of happiness, though I did get side eye from the woman next to me for dancing too much. That was perplexing.

        Have so so so much fun!

    2. Elton John ;-)

      And recipe experimenting with veggies I just received in my CSA box. And allll sorts of “basic” but enjoyable fall themed things like pumpkin beer.

    3. -exercise always makes me feel better
      -a good long walk
      -making a delicious recipe that because thats a project that has a clear beginning and end, i am in control of it, and it comes out successful and makes me and those around me happy
      -a phone chat with a dear friend or my sister who doesn’t live near

    4. I am trying to convince my spouse to go for a quick, one night camping trip. I need to unplug and get away.

      1. I would love t wind down — I have been all wrapped up in the hearings for the Kavanagh seat. I never realised what a bunch of posturing goes on in the Senate! OMG! And I went to college and law school in DC and was breifley considering takeing a job on the Hill! What was I thinkeing? I am so glad I decided to return to NYC and take a job in NYC where I can be a LAWYER! Is what they do there law? I do NOT think so! FOOEY! They all stand there saying the same thing! They I gues are just trying to get elected and they see they are on TV. FOOEY! I never care much about TV, tho when I was a freshman in college, a guy told me I could be on TV. I did NOT beleive him b/c I think he was just trying to get me to take my panties off for him (which I did NOT). DOUBEL FOOEY! Men have been trying to deceive me for so long. I am to smart to go for this now that I am older, but was NOT warned in college about this type of behavior.

    5. Night at my house with some girlfriends who are all feeling a bit defeated just from watching even though it does not directly affect us – wine, takeout and maybe a movie, or the Buffy Musical Episode.

    7. I have to travel for work, but I have plans to see an old friend and go with her and her son to a dinosaur museum on Sunday !!!!! so that’s what I am looking forward to. I should think of a plane/airport treat for myself tomorrow — maybe a really complicated Starbucks drink…

    8. I’ll be eating my feelings with some wine induced sleep mixed in. Yesterday was a monster. I am in shock.

    9. I’m running 5 miles tomorrow morning, making vegan pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, and taking a bath at least once!

    10. driving to see my brother, SIL, and new baby nephew in NYC this weekend. side bonus: also seeing my BFF, who lives there. having some Alone Adult Time in my car since I’m leaving my husband and kids behind – checked out four audiobooks from the library and look forward to unplugging from social media for a few days.

    11. I’m going to my parents’ farm and unplugging from social media for awhile. DH, DS and I are going to a concert tonight, too. Hopefully being with loved ones will help. I am feeling so down and discouraged.

    13. HH/dinner at a brewery with a former coworker tonight, then this weekend, riding one of the steeds, salon appointment to get my redhead groove back, and winery to see some longtime girlfriends who live a state away.

    15. Long hike with my dog tomorrow morning, followed by generous amounts of beer at an Oktoberfest in the afternoon.

    16. I am going to a movie this weekend (any movie, don’t care what) and buying the biggest tub of popcorn allowed by law. I have not had popcorn in four years, and I cannot wait. No more braces, baby!

    17. I lined up a therapist to get me through this news cycle, #MeToo. I talked to her and I am going to turn off the news. I am going to see if I can stay calmed if I take a bath tonight and go for a walk with trees tomorrow.

    18. Mani pedi, some basic fall latte, sipping to buy some cute pumpkin decor, TJ Maxx run, and face mask while watching trash tv. I’m over this week and am not opening Twitter or any news app.

    19. I do not think that a thoughtless action in high school should preclude someone from a job later in life.

      3. Happens to people with high school retail theft and drug convictions all the time!

    20. I’m late to this thread but I had the best weekend ever: Flew to New York with a bunch of friends and had a milestone birthday party on a chartered yacht on the Hudson River!! And two Broadway shows including third row center seats to Hamilton on my actual birthday and Come From Away, and great dinners out, and brunch at Central Park, and walking around town, and found a real Chanel bag in perfect condition at a consignment store and DH said “go for it!”

      Best self-care ever!!

  2. Have knee high boots really been out of style?

    Maybe it’s a regional thing. In winter, the women in my office all wear knee high boots. Not a bootie in sight.

    1. oh no, not the boot wars!

      I think the consensus is that they are not fashionable right now, but they are practical in cold weather areas.

    2. No, tall boots are not out of style! I see plenty of both (booties and tall boots) in my mid-sized Midwestern city.

    3. They’re not a “current” look over jeans (booties or sneakers are far, far more popular now). I still wear my black riding boots with black tights and pencil skirts, though.

      1. +1 When it really starts getting cooler, booties aren’t going to keep me warm.

  3. I’m going to see Elton John tonight! Anyone else a fan? Anyone else going to his goodbye tour? What’s your favourite Elton song?

    1. Yes! Saw him last year and it was an incredible show. Definitely a bucket list concert for me. I don’t think I could pick a favorite song if I wanted to. Have a great time!

    2. Are you in CLT? I didn’t know there were any other people from the Queen City here.

    3. Saw him Wednesday in Toronto

      My favourite song that night was ‘Daniel ‘ but his Benny and The Jets live was pretty incredible

  4. After all the stress of the last few days, I really need some time to unwind this weekend. Are there any good new trashy books or movies that would be good for this? I’m on an equestrian kick so anything in that vein would be great.

    1. Do you like mysteries and if so, have you read any Dick Francis books? I’ve read a few because my dad has, like, 200 of them. A very quick read. Definitely about white guys riding horses so that may not be what you want right now.

    2. Watch the first episode of Santa Clarita Diet – Drew Barrymore’s zombie bloodlust is finally unleashed by a would-be rapist. Cathartic.

      1. I loved this show! Also, The Good Place is very fun, funny, and interesting.

    3. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend binge watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Hilarious.

    4. Not new, but if you’re looking for trashy equestrian literature…. French Relations by Fiona Walker (and its sequels) is the pinnacle of the genre. Jilly Cooper’s Riders is also always a classic. Not trashy, but horse-centric and also delightful is the Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater.

    5. I’m reading Sophie Kinsella’s I’ve Got Your Number for some brain candy right now and I’m really enjoying it. It’s ridiculous but entertaining and a nice reprieve.

  5. Kamala Harris’ twitter account says:
    I know that today’s hearing was difficult for a lot of people across the country. Please know there is support available if you need it.
    If you need support,
    contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline
    1-800-656-HOPE
    online.rainn.org

  6. These look amazing!! I impulsively bought mine off a sale during one of my trips in Japan 2 years ago. I mean, I had to because I was such an uncultured chick and I didn’t even know Japan’s temperature could reach subzero, but they turned out to be super worth it since they still look great until now. I got mine in Black, by the way.

    ♡ Marion Harrison. Author from Buffalo Mountain Camp.

    1. uh-what? These are not boots for sub-zero weather, so this is a pretty bad spam recommendation.

      1. Meh, well… they kinda worked for me. That was my whole point. And it wasn’t exactly snowing and all, I was just “exaggerating.” I thought that still exist. I mean…

        ♡ Marion Harrison, author from Buffalomountaincamp.org.

        1. I have never seen such counterproductive spam. If this were really an enemy of Marion’s, I would be impressed.

  7. Kamala Harris’ twitter account says:
    I know that today’s hearing was difficult for a lot of people across the country. Please know there is support available if you need it.
    If you need support,
    contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline
    1-800-656-HOPE
    online.rainn.org

    (resubmitting since it did not appear to go through the first time)

  8. When the managing partner tells you to expect an offer Saturday morning, he means it right?

    Sincerely,
    Trying to not freak out waiting to hear if I get a job I really, really want

    1. Isn’t “expect an offer” basically a verbal offer? I’d be celebrating if I were you!

      1. I mean, I think so, right?? But I want to see it in writing so I can know it’s real. Some champagne was consumed the evening of the verbal offer, but I don’t want to expose myself to ultimate devastation.

  9. How do you style knee-high boots in the winter so it doesn’t look like you just forgot to change into your office heels?

    1. Huh? I wear them with skirts and tights. I don’t feel like it looks like I just forgot to change … I think I don’t understand the question.

    2. ? I don’t understand the question. Are you wearing snow boots or fashion boots? The answer is that you buy and wear boots that are as polished and dressy as your heels.

      1. Go for ones with a heel and without bumpy soles (lug soles?)
        Don’t wear kneesocks sticking out — too casual for work

  10. Serious question (from someone who believes Ford) – why are the republican members of the judiciary committee being criticized for having an outside attorney question Ford? I would think that hiring someone with Rachel Mitchell’s experience and expertise as a sex crimes prosecutor would make her slightly more qualified for questioning than a group of male senators. I also get the optics part of republicans wanting to avoid the image of a group of old men questioning dr. Ford, but it seems like they shouldn’t be criticized for bringing in Rachel Mitchell? Many other things yes, but I don’t get the hate for this part of the hearing yesterday. Am I missing something?

    1. One objection was that bringing in a prosecutor created the illusion that it was a trial, instead of the political proceeding it actually was.

    2. In my eyes, it looked like they were using another human woman as a meat shield to protect them from the blowback of questioning Ford directly, which in addition to being cowardly additionally demonstrates their disregard for women and inability to take criticism. I also think it was extremely suspicious that they stopped deferring their time to Mitchell immediately after the line of questioning that was narrowing in on July 1, 1982.

      1. This

        I’m also surprised it isn’t being made a big deal on social media, but then again, there’s so much to make a big deal about

        1. I’m also surprised this isn’t a bigger deal. The calendars suggest July 1 was the date this happened, just as Mitchell starts asking questions about that day she gets cut off. Fwiw, I’m liberal and have no problems with them using Mitchell. I was more upset that they cut her off.

      2. Yes, they did NOT want to be seen as bullying a woman who was sensitive. So they got someone wearing a skirt to ask tough questions. I think that mabye Kavanaha was not remembering his youthful indiscretions. If I had a dollar for every guy who put his hands where they did NOT belong, I would have many hundreds of dollars by now. FOOEY on men like that! And that was onley when I was in High School! DOUBEL FOOEY on men who did this to women like me.

    3. Well, qualified to do what? Prosecute? It’s not a criminal setting, and Dr. Ford isn’t the alleged criminal. Shouldn’t they have had a prosecutor question Kavanaugh, not the person claiming to be the victim?

      You could argue that prosecutors question alleged victims in order to determine if they’re credible and whether to file charges. But that typically isn’t done in a public setting, and the prosecutor theoretically isn’t in an adversarial role.

    4. Yes. You’re missing that it is their job to conduct the hearing and that a prosecutor shouldn’t be interviewing the victim of a crime as though she is the one on trial.

    5. It’s hate for the sake of hate. They thought that they had the Republicans backed into a corner: have rich old white men question her, or give her a pass. They are trying to avoid the fact that the Republicans found a very good compromise.

      I rather like that Ford was questioned by a prosecutor whose career was made on putting sex crime perps in prison: she’s experienced, compassionate, and her job is to try to get at the truth. This is literally her job.

      It’s also not her job to grandstand. I wish the Democrats had yielded their time with Kavanaugh to someone similar, rather than doing the grandstanding routine. But it shows you which side is trying to get at the truth and which isn’t.

      1. Hahahah. Go away. Mitchell was not serving as a prosecutor in this hearing. Her client was the GOP and as such she cross examined Ford and did a direct on Kavanaugh.

      3. Except…. Ford is not the perp in this case. Good job GOP, using a prosecutor to attempt to tear down a victim, and tossing softballs at someone accused of a crime.

        There are literally NINE jobs in this country that you can have for life. Shouldn’t the bar be really really high to get one?

        1. Minor quibble on your second paragraph–all federal judges have lifetime appointments, unless the judge is impeached (or chooses to leave/gets promoted).

      4. Yeah the party trying to rush this to a vote in the next couple of days without a proper FBI investigation is definitely “trying to get at the truth.” LOLOLOLOLOL

      5. Go away.
        I understand Flake has (finally) called for an FBI Investigation. But the refusal by Kavanaugh to directly answer the question as to whether he wanted an FBI investigation, and the other Republicans refusal to ask for one, shows you full well “which side” is not looking for the truth.

      6. Is the truth about what happened 36 years ago important at this point? We all saw Judge Kavanaugh’s lack of appropriate judicial demeanor yesterday. On live television. That alone should disqualify him from any job, even more so a place on the highest court. His judgment is clearly terrible.

        I get it, it’s been terrible for him and his family. It’s also been terrible for Dr. Ford who has nothing to gain from this process. The politicians involved are the worst of the worst. I dislike them all. But Kavanaugh does not deserve a seat on the Supreme Court. Full stop.

    6. Part of the reason she was hired was to ensure they could have a prosecutor say what she then did say this morning: Were this a criminal case, I would not have enough to prosecute.

  11. Share something with us that maybe not many people (or not any people) know! Feel free to be anonymous! If you read a secret and have words of encouragement or wisdom, comment with it… if you just want to share support, do that too!

    PS Don’t even bother with this one tr0lls, the women/womyn here are far too smart to fall for your attempts to bait us!

    1. I’m always neutral about dating when I’m single for a while but then when I spark with someone, I instantly morph into my 14 yr old self wondering if they like me back, if this could be something, etc. etc. I hate that sparking with someone takes me from adult woman to awkward girl stage!

    2. I am childfree and in my early 30s. I worry that I won’t find a husband who is also childfree so I’ll have to wait to be a good match with someone until I’m in my 50s, when men my age have children who will then be adults.

    3. I feel like I’m losing all my wonderful friends to motherhood. They (understandably) have much less time for me, and it hurts. I totally get why it’s happening and obviously their babies need their time and attention more than I do, but I still hate it.

      1. As a new mom to a 9-month old, I really miss you, too. I love being a mom but I am so overwhelmed all the time. Trying to figure out how to balance work and family and just life in general is a lot harder than I thought, and I feel guilty for how stressed how I am all the time and for how I’ve been neglecting aspects of my life that are still genuinely important to me (namely, my friendships). I hope to resurface soon, but in the meantime, please know that I miss our happy hours and brunches and walks. I hope I get better at this soon.

      2. Same. It’s especially frustrating because I am childfree-by-choice because I KNOW that I wouldn’t be able to juggle it all (in addition to other reasons).

    4. If I had known about the pervasiveness of DH’s depression, I’m not sure I would have married him. I love and adore our children, and I would not give them up for all the world or even knowing how hard this has been, but I did not sign up for this.

      He did not suffer from MDD before we had kids, but it has been relatively constant (6ish month breathers) for the last 8 years. I am angry at the depression, and I grieve that I am parenting/adulting/living without support. It is devastating.

      1. Hugs. Your words really resonate with me. My long term, live-in boyfriend has MDD and it takes a huge toll. I am on the fence about marrying him and I’m afraid that I’m too far in (and too old at 32) to rock the boat by breaking up and trying to find a new MDD-free relationship.

        1. You are not too old!! Be honest with yourself, do you see yourself happy living the rest of your lives together? There are lots of other paths your life could take. What would you be giving up by keeping on with the status quo? You only live once.

        2. Please don’t marry him. In my personal experience, being married to someone with poorly managed MDD is so much worse than being alone. I married someone in my early 20s with undiagnosed MDD. His mental health was basically a third party in the relationship. It was so so hard to live with and did a serious number on my own mental health. It got to the point where even when things were good, I would still be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

          I feel bad saying this, but it is hilarious to me that you think 32 is too old to start over! I left my ex-husband when I was 28 and got married again at 33 to someone who is a great fit for me and does not have any serious mental health issues. It was all so worth it.

          As an aside, if you feel like 32 is too old, that may mean you live in an area where everyone pairs off in their 20s. If that’s the case, you might consider moving to a large metropolitan area where there are lots of single people in their 30s. That’s where I live and I have plenty of single friends and friends without children who are in their 30s and 40s. Your sense of “normal” is entirely a matter of your surroundings…

          1. All of this, but adding I was with a MDD partner throughout my 30s, left him at 40 and met my husband about a year later. It’s a horrible life with a MDD partner and you don’t have to choose that for yourself and my goodness, 32 is the age you should start to date seriously not consider the game over.

        3. You are literally better off having a sperm donor child than having a child with someone who has severe depression. Taking care of a child is hard but is joyous. Taking care of a partner who has the appearnce of an otherwise able-bodied human is filled with resentment that you then try not to hate yourself for. Please don’t do this to yourself.

          1. WORD. I would much rather be a single parent then parent with my DH when he is depressed.

          2. So essentially depression is correct that everyone would be better off without the depressed person.

          3. Thank you all for your feedback. You’re echoing a lot of my own fears. I think I’m going to try therapy to work out these issues

          4. to Anonymous at 9:06: This is definitely not 100% true. The issue many of us have with our depression-prone partners is that the partners are not actively attempting to solve the issue when they are mentally capable to do so. It’s like they come out of it and entirely forget that it happens, with regularity, every X months or at every large life intersection until it happens again and then they are too useless to help themselves. I also suffer from depression and have my entire life. But, unlike my partner, I have developed coping mechanisms that first of all allow me to function and not be a burden on my family during these times, and secondly, mechanisms that are tried-and-true in helping to lessen the depth of the plunge eventually help pull me out of the state. I am not at my best and not pleasant, but entirely self-sufficient. For my partner, on the other hand, it’s like a new day of Memento each time he plunges into depression or comes out of it. He has refused to go to therapy, refused to take antidepressants, refuses to exercise through the duration of the episode, and refuses to really do anything to either anticipate the next episode or try things during a current one that may shorten it. It’s this absolute selfishness of being too lazy to plan for the inevitable that is definitely NOT an attribute of every person with depression but is the bane of good, functional relationships. Now, for us, things have gotten to a slightly better stage in introspection lately in that he at least acknowledged recently that these episodes indeed exist and are probably a manifestation of depression, and yes, they do repeat with certain frequency so maybe it’s a good idea to anticipate one (sounds like nothing but this, in itself, is a HUGE breakthrough for us). I’ll say that all of this has become SO much more acute after kids. Not that he didn’t have episodes but it just didn’t matter as much because I can pull the weight of two adults with ease. But pulling the weight of a whole family is an entirely different story. I’ll also say that I have personally never had the luxury of wallowing in my depression and therefore was forced to develop all of the above coping mechanisms very early in life, whereas the way my partner grew up provided enough support to allow him to shut off productive life for months at a time, and I continued this training during our childless years, essentially becoming the enabler. The moral of this story is that if you are depressed, go get help instead of waiting it out. And if you are partnered with an MDD person, make sure they understand their condition and are actively exercising all control available to them.

          5. Anon @7:57. There is a kind of bipolar where the “highs” are just functioning normally and the lows are very low. I hope part of this breakthrough is seeing a psychiatrist and being thoroughly evaluated.

            I have only experienced serious depression once, when I was coming off an SSRI that was prescribed for some minor situational anxiety (probably too aggressive a treatment in retrospect). There was no question of coping mechanisms or pulling weight or not being a burden. I could not get out of bed. The part of my brain that translated “decisions” into “actions” just simply wasn’t working right. I was battling impulses to self-harm while tears were streaming down my face and that was about as useful I could be. Fortunately, the rational part of my mind knew why it was happening and that it would be temporary. It’s hard for me to imagine what life is like when that’s something your brain does on its own. I guess I feel some sympathy towards living in denial that something like that is likely to recur. It’s such an altered state of mind that it’s almost hard to believe in it when it’s not happening (and the memories formed during that time are also oddly hazy).

        4. Oh my god. Get a grip. You are not too old at 32 to not be a live in nurse for a man who isn’t a partner.

    5. When males commit effectively all of the violent sexual crime worldwide, I find myself truly furious with the “not all men” crowd. Whenever I hear someone say those words, I instantly think they are a willfully ignorant moron.

      1. One unfortunate fact to remind them is that a man or boy is more likely to be raped than accused of rape. It seems that too many men have NO idea how pervasive sexual assault is. It’s not all men, but those who do are often repeat offenders, and not holding them accountable allows for them to offend again and again.

    6. I actively hate my younger cat. He is a failed foster that my husband adores and insisted we keep. He is a darling snugglebug with hubby, and a hateful violent bully with me and the other cat. It has caused major problems in our marriage that my husband refuses to see (or refuses to care) that this cat is so awful to everyone except him. I feel like a hostage in my own house. I have over 20 years of experience with problem cats, both owning and fostering them, alone and with professional behavioral help, and this cat is a sociopath.

      If my husband dropped dead, this cat would be at the shelter before my husband’s body was cold.

      2. Have you watched My Cat from Hell? There are really good tips there on what to do in this situation. Plus, its super entertaining. Its on animal planet but it looks like you can watch old episodes on You Tube also. The guys name is Jackson Galaxy!

    7. I have always wanted to (eventually) run for governor of my state but have always been too afraid to step out and really get involved in politics on any level. As a liberal in a very, very red southern state, I can’t imagine what that road would even look like for me. I keep checking off all the boxes on the nice, steady career path I’ve set up for myself but I keep wondering if one day I’ll take the plunge toward something bigger.

      1. As a liberal in a very very red deep south state – please do it!!! We’d come out of the woodwork to support you! Check out Run for Something.

    8. I worry I’m going to be alone forever. I had finally meet a guy I like, but after dating for 6 weeks he told me he just wants to be friends. Maybe there is no one out there who will be interested in a relationship with me????

    9. I have violent tendencies when I drink. So I no longer drink. However, I’d love to beat the crap out of a sexual offender right now. I’ll never act on it because I have a life I need to live, but I think about it.

    10. I had an awful toxic relationship in college. he was abusive both physically and emotionally, but I was also very bad (it was my first ever sexual relationship and it just went so so so far off the rails). once we finally broke up I got therapy and have been amazing ever since. I am everything that people would want in a local politician- motivated, intelligent, well spoken, people seem drawn to me, I am passionate, dedicated, and deeply care about people. I have a very successful law career but dream about running for office but can’t because of this one mistake I made when I was 18, I know he would come out of the woodwork.

      1. You haven’t said what exactly you did, but do you really think it would matter? It is not my experience of the world that politicians are very often held back by trouble they got into when they were young (yes, it comes up and is publicized, but that’s how I know it doesn’t hold them back!).

  12. Does anyone have recommendations for audio aspirations/mantras to listen to on my 20-min transit commute? I recently started new, higher-profile role in my company and I’m looking to give myself pep talks on days of big meetings and presentations. Something to counteract the impostor syndrome voice in my head. Basically the audio version of doing power poses in the restroom…does such a thing even exist for working professionals?

    Side note: I listened to Joyful Pregnancy affirmations while pregnant and it really helped me have a positive attitude toward the whole pregnancy process. Now I’m looking something similar to help with the feelings of self-doubt at work.

    2. I’ve recently been trying out the Meditation Studio app on a recommendation, and there is a Pep Talk meditation that I really enjoy! It’s not helpful if you’re wanting something different every day, but it might work for those days when you have something big going on.

  13. So in addition to all the other news, I just found out that the CEO of my city’s chamber of commerce was murdered last night a few blocks from where I live, walking home from a race at around 7:30 PM. (South Main area of downtown Memphis). The area where it happened is generally considered pretty nice (farmers market, condos), although Memphis has a very high crime rate. He was shot; they don’t know if it was random or not; they haven’t apprehended a suspect. how worried about safety should I be?

    1. I grew up near Newark and have never felt more seized with restless danger than when I’ve been in Memphis. Bars on doors, security in grocery stores, etc. B/c it is Memphis, I’d be concerned even if this turns out to be a non-random murder.

    3. I saw this. As a Tennessean (though not from Memphis), but someone who is down there frequently for both work and family commitments, I find this random on the one hand, but terrifying on the other. Frankly, in Memphis, you should be worried about safety downtown. Full stop.

      1. I had a sibling in Memphis and was shocked at how dangerous it was. Can someone from there explain it to me?

        I’m from a high-crime (for my area) city but it cannot hold a candle to Memphis (in a bad way).

        E.g., my city has hotspots for crime, but even those vary by time of day. Many victims are not random and are in the same high-crime hobbies/professions/locations as the perpetrators (so grandma is safe in these areas, except from a stray bullet, b/c no one kills granny and granny isn’t out at the club’s parking lot after closing time). Armed robberies are a problem that has more innocent victims, but even those have a pattern (one bank branch — I have no idea how they hire anyone and what the average job tenure is there).

        Being in Memphis for the first time was like being on another planet (which is a shame for Memphis b/c I really want to root for that city, but it just seems so unsafe).

        1. Memphis has historical and deep-seeded racial tensions. And historical inequities of wealth beyond the racial tensions. And in the last few decades, even with downtown redevelopment, the wealth disparities have only gotten deeper. In some ways, walking around parts of it feels like a whole different country – infrastructure crumbling, etc.

          1. You could say that about a lot of places — Charleston, Richmond, NYC. Baltimore. I don’t know why Memphis is as bad as it is.

    4. I want to root for Memphis, and there’s been a lot of development downtown, and I don’t think it’s as dangerous as it used to be. Or at least, if it’s dangerous, then they’ve tried to cover that up with a veneer of new urbanism and development. The event the victim was coming from was one of these recent development events — a charity race ending at a hip outdoor bar/venue. There have been shootings near where I live before, but I think what’s getting me is that this one was weekday daylight, in a nice-seeming neighborhood which also happens to be where I live (a bit nicer than where I live, maybe). I actually often walk on the street where it happened (Front) because it feels safer than the parallel street (Main). But things like this make me really question Memphis and living here.

      1. on a practical level, I think I’m not going to walk around my neighborhood alone for the next few days, at least in the evening. I think I’ll still try to walk to the farmer’s market (basically opposite the crime scene) because it’s generally busy. ugh.

  14. What generics are as good as (or better than) name brands? Which name brands do you know never to accept imitations/generic versions of? says:

    What generics are as good as (or better than) name brands? Which name brands do you know never to accept imitations/generic versions of?

    Consider clothes, food, anything under the sun!

    1. Oh, I like this.

      I insist on Malt-O-Meal brand of Frosted Mini Wheats and Kroger brand Frosted Flakes, but all my other cereals must be the brand name – Lucky Charms, Crunchberries, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I’m 37, why do you ask?
      I prefer generic saltines, but Ritz must be the branded butter cracker.
      For medication (prescription or OTC) I always do the generic.
      Paper goods I usually go brand, but sandwich bags/saran wrap/aluminum foil, always generic. I feel like that doesn’t make much sense and I have no idea why.
      Generic pasta and meatballs topped with Prego.

    2. Sunscreen. Dry goods–all purpose flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, rice. Simple cleaning products–bleach, vinegar, baking soda (again). OTC pain relievers and most other OTC medications, if you can compare ingredients.

      Off the top of my head, I buy name-brand Kleenex, Band-Aids, and batteries.

    3. The Costco house brand (Kirkland) toilet paper is terrific. The Kirkland booze is terrible.

      I buy name brand allergy meds because I haven’t found any generics that work as well. But generic prescriptions seem to work fine.

      1. I keep hearing great things about Kirkland booze – I live in a state where they don’t sell it. Bummer.

        Allergy meds depend on the main ingredient, right? I love generic Claritin just find but had generic & reg Zyrtec.

          1. They have different kinds. I think the old cheap version used to be Jim Beam, which yeah, but I don’t think they sell that anymore.

      3. Disagree on the Kirkland booze. Their vodka is as good as Tito’s IMHO. To each their own, though :-)

    4. I swear by Target’s Up&Up brand items for household essentials – cleaning products, disposable tupperware, trash bags, hand wash, etc.

      Kirkland brand food items at Costco has also been really good, and for some items I prefer the Kirkland version over the name brand.

      And of course, Trader Joe’s private label has lots of great stuff.

      1. +1 – Totally worth trying TJ and Kirkland brand stuff for everything and give it a try.

        Always buy generic drugs, canned goods (as long as I can find organic/unsalted in generic).

        Have never bought generic TP, cereal, or booze — insist on a name brand.

    5. All the Trader Joe’s stuff i guess is kind of generic versions of brand stuff. Mostly. :) Indian food, chips/crackers, yogurt, beauty stuff, etc.

    6. Name brand
      – Charmin Ultra Soft TP
      – Bounty Select-a-Size paper towels
      – Tide detergent
      – Kerrygold butter for my toast
      – King Arthur flour

      Generic
      – canned goods like tomatoes and beans
      – butter for baking
      – sugar

      1. Cat socks,

        I think I might be slightly dyslexic. But the result is often funny so I guess it’s not so bad. Anyway, I thought you said that you purchase Kerrygold butter for your goat. I was thinking that you must have a very special and spoiled goat.

    7. I love this question! Generic for almost all foods and paper/household goods except ice cream, crackers, tea, yogurt and TP. I have my priorities in order, lol.

    9. Name Brand for pads & tampons. Also Q-tips.

      Kirkland (Costco) dog food is the best value for the money there is.

      Publix ice cream and frozen yogurt amazing.

  15. For those who have bought items that share their beliefs or in support of specific politicians or RBG or whomever, please share links and reviews of what you’ve purchased!

    1. I don’t have links handy, but this is definitely me. In the last week I ordered an Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez t-shirt and Beto O’Rourke beer coozies. I also have two life size Hillary Clinton cut outs (long story), among other political memorabilia.

      1. Beto O’Rourke beer coozies

        That’s either the best stealth dig at him ever or perhaps his people should gently ask the coozie people to sell other products.

    3. When I was an undergrad political science major (about 15 years ago) I noticed that a senator–can’t remember which one any longer–had an option on his website to request an autographed photo. I thought it about equal parts funny and vain so I sought out to collect as many as I could. It didn’t end up being very many, maybe 10.

      I think I still have my Obama MoveOn.org shirt from his ’08 campaign. My husband bought me a RBG shirt, one of her on a playing card. The pièce de résistance of my collection is a You Forgot Poland shirt, from the second ’04 presidential debate. I had one, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me and kept it, so I ordered another one.

    6. I love this topic, can you re-up this on Monday morning?

      Mine are the Notorious RBG shirt from Look Human, an I Dissent RBG Mug, and two shirts from Obama circa 2008.

  16. Thus far, having a small waist/bigger butt and thighs (size 10ish in pants, depending the brand) has led me to struggle to find sleep shorts. Everything is either super oversized, way too wide all over, meant for men/in the men’s section so they don’t fit my curvier shape, or they look like diapers when they’re on.

    Recommendations?

  17. I have toxic parents. I realize this, but they do not; they’re pretty oblivious to how strained our relationship is. I spend time with them when they visit, but I avoid having them interact with anyone in my life other than my fiance. This was fine until my fiance and I got engaged. We always planned to elope (largely because of my family) and have managed expectations from the start. My parents are somewhat okay with this, but they are pretty hooked on the idea of meeting my fiance’s parents. They keep trying to force the idea of a reception, and a few months ago they decided to visit the town where my fiance’s parents live and tried to “casually stop by” their house–we narrowly avoided a crisis with this one. My parents are now saying they’re going to call my fiance’s parents to congratulate them and introduce themselves. I’ve always managed to avoid this issue of keeping my parents away from friends/family by saying a meeting wasn’t going to work because of scheduling, etc., but I don’t have a way to shoot down this phone call idea without confrontation. Does anyone have any tips for how to deal with this? Even if I find a nice way to say “you don’t interact well with others,” I’m pretty sure they would deny it and get fiance’s parents’ number from some other source.

    2. I have so many questions.

      1) If they are such an issue how did you let them know the name of your fiance’s family and the town that they live in?

      2) I feel like these people are going to have to meet at some point. For example: What is your plan if you have children?

      3) If you never want them to meet then you need to call up your fiance’s family and tell them you don’t want them to have contact with your parents. Or else your fiance’s family will start to have questions too!

      4) Your parents are being parents and want to know the family of the person you are marrying. I think thats fair because you haven’t told them that you don’t want that. You need to call up your parents and explain that you don’t want them to have contact with anyone in your life. You have decided you don’t want them involved in your life because they are toxic, so you have the right to create a firm boundary. Which is fine, but you need to tell them that or they will have expectations that don’t match with yours.

    3. You won’t be able to control them. They’ll either do this with well-meaning intentions or they will do it even when you say not to (regardless of their intentions).

      Focus on your almost in-laws. How is your relationship with them? What if you sit down with fiance and his parents and together, you and fiance can explain that your parents don’t really interact well with others and that, though they are oblivious to this, you would never want them to interact without your in-laws knowing this in advance, both so they did not feel obligated be super friendly with your folks and so they know you’re not like your folks. You talk but have fiance back you up. Fiance can later check in with his parents without you and reiterate what you’ve said to further support you.

      You can’t stop your parents but it seems they’ll be easier to deal with if you either allow the phone number exchange or suggest everyone meets for coffee (and you do so with plans set for an hour from then so you have a hard stop for the meeting) and then maybe your folks will check it off their list and focus elsewhere.

      Sending hugs, toxic parents are the worst, I’m sorry you’re dealing with them!

    4. I don’t necessarily think you have to protect your in laws from your parents. They’re all grown ups. If they don’t like each other they needn’t spend time together.

    5. This is confusing to me. You say they want to call your fiance’s parents to congratulate them and introduce themselves. What’s wrong with that? Even if your relationship with them isn’t good, why do you think they can’t appropriately interact with others? I guess absent other facts I think you’re wildly overreacting.

      1. My parents tried to become best friends with my sister’s inlaws (they live in the same city) and have ended up as enemies with every single one of his family members (he has two step parents so this is a bigger list than you’d imagine). My mother also tried to make teams and by having certain parents join in on disliking another family member (because someone allegedly didn’t recognize her quickly enough when they ran into one another at the grocery store). More broadly, both of my parents get offended nonsensically and become irate easily. For my stepfather, this manifested with him recently cursing out my brother in law and storming out of the restaurant for my law school graduation dinner because of a disagreement over how many weeks ago something happened. For my mother, she berated a waitress last time she visited for not speaking loudly enough. My parents both retired early as bosses and pretty much treat everyone as subordinate to them. My mother has been involved in three nonprofit activities since retiring–all have ended in her being asked to leave the organization for being nasty to others. They live in a condo building and have been sued individually (two separate lawsuits!) for condo board drama. They want to counter-sue for emotional damages because this “feels like the holocaust all over again.” They’re in their 60’s and are Jewish. Oh, and they make negative comments about my appearance/eating a lot (in front of others). I’m a size 0. I could go on, this is really only scratching the surface.

        1. If you don’t want your parents in contact with your husband and in-laws, you need to go no-contact with them.

      2. Your parents sound awful, but I don’t think there is harm in letting them contact fiancé’s parents since they don’t live in the same city and have little occasion to interact or speak. Talk to fiancé’s parents re their potential behavior, tell them not to take anything personally and a short conversation is the antidote to smooth over the situation, with no expectation that they see or talk to them again outside happenstance. Make sure they feel free to ignore calls. And PLEASE don’t tell them where they live, why do your parents know their address enough to stop by?

    6. I have toxic parents too. Let them meet. I doubt your future in-laws will even notice.

    7. Honestly, I think it’s normal and appropriate for them to meet your fiance’s parents. Maybe warn them that your parents are a bit out there, but it’s totally a typical parental thing to want to do and I’d be willing to be that your fiance’s parents also wish for this to happen, even if they’re aware that your parents are weird. It’s ok if they embarrass you, it’s not your fault.

  18. Anyone else feel like the senate judiciary is completely disorganized? The entire group comes off very unprofessional.

    Why has no one on the committee mentioned the clear partisanship of BK? This is a prerequisite for this job!

      1. Depends on what you mean by partisan. Pretty sure Souter remained a registered Republican the entire time he was on the bench, and his rulings were obviously not traditional Republican rulings.

      2. Depends on what you mean by partisan. Pretty sure Souter remained a registered Republican the entire time he was on the bench, and his rulings were obviously not traditional Republican rulings.

  19. I am asking because my google-fu is seriously failing me on this one – I have a boyfriend cardie from Banana Republic (a few seasons ago) that is a wonderful grey/lilac color, and I would like to pick up a few tops in this color as well (it looks great with both navy and plum, two of my go-to colors). But I can’t figure out what this color is actually called! I think the sweater was in ‘storm gray,’ but generally that gets me a darker grey color. Halp! (with this very trivial request… tia!)

    2. I’ve seen grey-blue called dusty blue, so maybe dusty lilac or dusty lavendar?

  20. Today a friend helped me realize that a gardening encounter I had as a 15 year old, wherein I essentially dissociated and felt like I was having an out of body experience, was an assault. At the time it was clear to me it that I “let it happen”, and without a sophisticated understanding of consent, believed that I participated in this act even though I felt it was something that was done to me rather than with me. I think the trauma this encounter was silent in my life until a few years ago, when suddenly the thought of gardening with DH, whom I love very much, started giving me so much anxiety that trying would leave me in uncontrollable tears. We are working through it. But today’s realization that at 15, I didn’t just have a bad, awkward, encounter, that I was assaulted, it has hit me like a ton of bricks. It explains a lot of the trauma I have been experiencing for years.

    1. I believe you. I am so sorry this happened to you then and I am so sorry this is happening to you now. <3

    4. My husband is petrified that something like this will happen to his son. Asking genuinely: do you think that the other person (maybe a boy, perhaps not) knew that? Or would have reason to know that?

      The more apparent it becomes that women can go along with things, my husband is very, very concerned that this realization happens later for his son (who is a good kid and would never knowingly go forward but is at an age where there is much awkwardness/inexperience/etc. that maybe should just be taken as a stop sign).

      1. Assaulting someone doesn’t “happen” to the assaulter. It happens to the victim. Your husband’s has nothing to worry about unless his son assault someone. So teach him not to assault people. That means teaching him that no means no, get affirmative consent, and that if someone is incapacitated, that means no as well.

        1. If there is ever a question of whether there is enthusiastic consent, then your son doesn’t have it. There are no exceptions. Inexperience is irrelevant.

      2. No, he doesn’t know. I’m still somewhat in touch with him, and we’ve somewhat discussed the encounter (I had a boyfriend when it happened), he thinks it was funny. I have protected his feelings for over a decade by not telling him the truth. He was known then and is known now as a womanizer, whom used and abused women. I would be shocked if he has not been accused of r*pe before in a very similar context

      3. Teach him to keep it in his pants until he is a grown adult in a committed relationship. That is what we should be teaching our boys, in addition to consent.

        1. What? No, that is ridiculous Victorian moralizing.

          You can have amazing, passionate, consensual, life-affirming, healthy encounters without being in a relationship.

          1. No, I agree with the advice and would gladly teach it to my son. The fact that kids DO have sex is not an argument that they SHOULD have sex. I have serious misgivings about whether you can have true consent between A) minors and B) people whose brains are not fully developed. I say this as someone who lost my virginity to my now-husband at age 19, so it’s not like I’m totally walking the walk, but I felt way over my head in terms of decision-making, the ability to clearly articulate what I wanted, etc. with a boyfriend in my freshman year of high school and that was as a very mature-for-my-age individual. I will be overjoyed if my kids wait until adulthood to have sex.

          2. I don’t know about requiring a committed relationship, but many men my age and younger very consciously lied about commitment to women who really did want to be in committed relationship. Instead of amazing, passionate, consensual, life-affirming, healthy encounters, they were leading on women who wanted life partners and then betraying them to move on to someone they were serious about. I’m okay with teaching sons not to do that.

          3. I’ll admit that I’ve talked to my teen daughter about how I believe sex should be saved for committed, loving relationships. I’m not religious, I don’t think I’m a prude and I had sex at 19 with a college BF who is not DH (which she knows) so I’m obviously not a “save it for the wedding night” person and it would be hypocritical for me to tell her to be. But I don’t believe very many high school girls are having “passionate, life-affirming, healthy” casual encounters. Honestly, most adult women I know struggle with this. And I believe a LOT of high school girls have sex not because they want to have sex, but because they want a boyfriend and they believe sex is a prerequisite to getting or keeping one. As someone alluded to above, I’m not even sure their brains can tell the difference between wanting sex and wanting love or affection and using sex as a proxy for that. My daughter knows I will always love her and that I will support her regardless of what choice she makes, but I’m certainly not going to encourage her to have casual sex at 16.

          4. Some people can. Some people prefer to have that sort of intimacy within a relationship. Neither is better or worse – just different. I do think it’s probably easier/more common to have that intimacy with someone you know, though. And would advise the same to an inexperienced person.

      4. Responding again to address the issue of your husband’s fear. I want to say that this isn’t the first person I had an encounter with at that age, when most were relatively inexperienced. When I graduated HS I had been with 4 people (if memory serves). What was different about this particular encounter was he didn’t ask if it was okay, if I wanted to, there was no gradual build up to it, he didn’t pay attention to my reaction at all (because I’m sure it gave no indication that I was consenting). I was an object. I think this is not something that happens by accident.

      5. I think it’s important to separate that OP can feel rightfully violated and assaulted because she was not comfortable with the situation and wasn’t knowledgeable enough to realize what was really happening in the moment but that also the other party may not be at fault if there was no verbal, body language, or other outward sign of to indicate anything other than consent. It’s awful but it happens a lot when a person plays along for fear of retribution, rejection, awkwardness, or not knowing how to respond, which also doesn’t mean their feelings of violation are invalid.

        1. No, that’s not what she described. She didn’t fake enthusiastic consent and then feel violated after having deceived a boy. Nor is what I described a thing that “happens a lot.” BTW consent is active, not the “absence of anything other than consent.”

      6. Watch John Oliver’s take on S3x Ed… it’s on y0utube. Watch it again with the son (if he’s a teen) and have a conversation with him after about what he saw. Continue to have these conversations when news stories come up and before big teen events (dances, class trips, etc.).

      7. Your husband isn’t worrying unnecessarily – it could be an issue. A “maybe” should be a stop sign in itself – affirmative consent is required. Affirmative consent, not drunk, not passed out, not “just going along” plus, depending on his age at the time, he’ll need to consider age/power differences. Also state law – when he’s 16, is 14 ok but not 13? If he’s the head lifeguard and 21, are relations with his subordinate (age 16) ok? All good conversations to have.

        1. Also, this lines up better of it’s M-F. But the issue is no different if it is M-M or F-F. But coming forth might be harder to do socially and to fight any stigmas (my spouse’s ex used to hit him when she was angry and then threaten to tell her sheriff uncle that he hit her, which terrified him into taking this abuse for the better part of a decade; he pretty much resigned himself to the fact that no one would ever take his word over hers (so he still has pictures of every scratch and bruise)).

    5. Many girls still say no when they mean yes because we still have a puritanial good girl/whore culture. And boys are raised to believe that aquiesence is yes. We have to teach all our kids better. I started talking to my son about consent when he was in 6th grade after there was a sexual act that took place on his bus in middle school.

      1. And Rom-Coms and popular music lyrics reinforce that message over and over (good girl/bad girl culture).

        I started talking about consent to both my boy and my girl when they were toddlers. They did not have to kiss or hug Aunt Edith if they didn’t want to. I wouldn’t make them and I stood up to MIL and AE when they refused. They didn’t have to be nice to the old man in the store that made them feel weird (they couldn’t be mean, but they didn’t have to be nice). I didn’t diminish their efforts by telling the guy they were shy or making it seem like they were wrong, just a “Have a nice day, we don’t have time to chat.” They could speak up to adults and their voices mattered.

  21. Has anyone else read this book?

    I found the section on guiding your girls to have the s*x they want to have (when and with whom they want (who hopefully treats them very well and feels mutually)) to be very enlightening (compared to the unhelpful schools of Never and something that feels like “how not get pregnant” (glossing over all issues of negotiating BC issues, consent, desire, having a responsible partner)).

    My kids (both girls) aren’t there yet, but this is probably where I want their minds to be.

    1. I haven’t read the book, but it sounds very similar to my upbringing. My (hippie) parents were very sex-positive and their message was: when you are ready, make sure it is with someone you love. And who loves you. And one way to tell that you are ready is to think about what would happen if something went wrong (accidental pregnancy, disease) — and whether you could be mature enough to talk about it with each other and with each other’s parents. It was a great litmus test and kept me from making some bad decisions.

    2. The title is “Untangled,” not “Tangled.” I have read it more than once. I think it’s important for teens to understand that the decision to have s*x is an adult decision for consenting, committed grown-ups with fully developed brains and the capacity to understand and cope with the short-term and long-term risks. Teaching girls to think about what they really want doesn’t just mean teaching them to think about what they want in the moment, it means teaching them to think about the adult lives they want to build and how their relationships and actions can support or undermine those plans. Girls also need to know the real facts about the terrible side effects of hormonal BC so they can make a truly informed decision about the form of protection to use. I have seen too many young women get talked into hormonal BC by boyfriends and husbands, only to be plagued with mood issues and weight gain.

      1. The weight gain may be what does the trick. Vanity is a motivating thing and I can tell her that every time I go on the pill it is like eating hormones flood my body and I gain a size in the hips and thighs within a month or two no matter how hard I try to work it off and eat well. Ugh.

        1. I don’t like this takeaway. (I say this as someone who has been on and off the Pill for over a decade while knowing about the side effects) There are very real health risks like blood clots. Trying to drive your message home by focusing on appearance and the fear of gaining a few pounds doesn’t sit well with me. It’s also a side effect that’s relatively uncommon if you look at medical information, and it tends to balance out after a bit of time on the Pill.

          1. You don’t have to like it. But it’s hard to think of long-term consequences when the short-term benefits are so obvious. So a short-term drawback helps counteract that.

            It’s a lot easier than: my friend went on the pill, BF wouldn’t use a c_nd_m b/c friend was on the pill, friend got HPV-caused cervical cancer, friend has cervix surgery in her early 20s, friend was not able to have children. B/c at some ages, a cervix is something they have never heard of or laid eyes on and it makes no sense.

            Fear of becoming fat/unattractive, rightly or wrongly, gets attention. And my kids probably inherited that tendency from me. I take success where I can get it. [Plus, I hate the Pill; nothing I loved more about getting married than going off the Pill and finally feeling normal again.]

          2. I’ve gotten most of the side effects of the pill short of a blood clot, including some extremely painful ones (sometimes I wonder if the efficacy of the pill is inflated by all the women who hate men and can’t garden while they’re on it).

            But I think weight gain is still the side effect that has bothered me most, maybe second to premature aging on the low-estrogen pill.

    3. I have not, but now I am going to. I have been trying to advocate for this to be a part of the discussion of sexual assault/r*pe/consent for decades.

    4. Oh I’m mentally adding this to the list. One thing I’ve been trying to do with Kiddo even now is to make her aware that she’s growing, not done forming, and that that’s OK and normal and nothing to be ashamed of, but it also means that some things (beer, coffee, driving, scary movies) are not appropriate for her (she’s three, ha!)… I was told, plenty of times, that I wasn’t “old enough” for something, but I didn’t get the message about what that meant, why something would be OK for a grownup but not for me… so hopefully that’s a helpful foundation for her. I want her to feel empowered to say “I’m not ready for that yet” if that’s how she feels.

      1. For a way to start these discussions with your kids, I recommend the series of books that starts with “It’s Not the Stork”. The books are well done, non-judgmental, and factual on human reproductive development and facts and I have the first book and it has been helpful in giving me scripts for these discussions (with illustrations). I also have noticed The Kid paging through it, so another plus if he is getting appropriate messaging from the book on his own.

        1. Thank you! It’s been in my amazon cart forever, so perhaps it’s time to pull the trigger.

  22. How exactly do you style and make up your bed? What components do you use? Do you have a bedspread, a quilt, a coverlet, something else?

    I’ve had the same raggedy down comforter and two pairs of pillows for ages. Now it seems like the style is a sleek coverlet thing instead of a fluffy comforter. And then also blankets on top of that, but not always. And sometimes pillow shams or decorative pillows?

    1. This is a fun question. I have sheets (fitted and top sheet), then a thin blanket, then a white quilt on top of that. I also have about 8 throw pillows and the 3 pillows I sleep with every night. I usually have a blanket kind of “carelessly” (but not) thrown on the foot of the bed. I love it and think it’s a good balance between sleek and comfy looking. It makes me smile to go into my bedroom, which feels like a total oasis to me.

    2. In summer: Bottom sheet, top sheet, thin cotton blanket, down duvet (with cover), coverlet. The coverlet is for daytime to keep the dog from messing up the duvet. At night, I pick the layers I actually want by rolling down the duvet or the blanket or keeping it all.

      In winter: Swap out the thin blanket for a very warm thick cotton blanket that goes on top, not beneath, the duvet, for added warmth.

    3. I have the same on my bed as the AnonInfinity above, but I don’t think it’s a current style. I think a sleek-looking thin comforter is trendy now.

    4. Bottom sheet, lightweight coverlet, blanket over top. Very minimalist but easy to remake every morning.

      I’d love to try a weighted blanket, though. I hear they’re helpful for falling asleep.

    5. As a person from Europe, I always found the “American bed styling” so confusing. In Europe (at least continental), we mostly have a protective sheet for the matrasse, a big pillow (in a case) and a duvet (usually filled with synthetics or feathers; wraped in a case). We throw a few extra pillows or a bed throw to protect the duvet during the day. And we usually have a summer and a winter duvet (thinner for summer, thicker for winter). When I travel, I like to observe different “bedding customs”, but sleeping under 2-3 thin layers instead of a proper duvet is quite annoying for me. The height of personal annoyance though is to find that these 3 layers were tucked under the bottom end of the mattress by maids.

      1. As a person from the US, I completely agree, and I converted to bottom sheet + duvet + pillows the instant I got back from my first trip to Europe and never looked back.

        I know some people love the tucked-in cocoon experience, but I can’t even fall asleep that way. Maybe it’s like babies who either love swaddling or pitch a fit when swaddled.

    6. I’ve been converted by my husband to quilts over duvets. We have a bottom sheet and a quilt on top, and that’s it. Oh, a million pillows so I can use one under my head and hold one while I lie on my side and my husband can do the same and there’s still a pillow left for our extremely spoiled cat to lounge on.

    7. Oh I realize I said “quilts over duvets” but not like, physically. We just have the quilt. “Quilts as opposed to duvets” would be more clear.

    8. I have bottom sheet, top sheet, a cotton blanket, quilt, throw folded at the bottom of the bed, 5 bed pillows (two for each side, plus one I use to prop up on when I’m hanging out in bed), plus four throw pillows, including some fun ones I’ve bought recently.

    9. Fitted sheet, flat sheet, thin (usually cotton) blanket, down comforter (in winter), bedspread. Pillows in pillowcases, and then shams during the day. For my very traditional New England family, this is the only way to make a bed! And it’s the only way I feel truly comfortable…the Euro duvet-only thing grosses me out.

  23. I’m the mom of a boy. More than ever, I am terrified about the messages he’s going to receive about consent. Of course we will talk about the concept at home until he’s sick and tired of it, but is it even going to make a difference if he’s getting a different message from the rest of the world? It’s become very, very obvious that many men (and women, sadly) just DO NOT GET IT. Kiddo is still young and nowhere near the age where he’d be making decisions about s3x, but he’s suck a persistent, hard-headed kid that it scares me even more. Is he just gonna do what he wants, even if he’s been taught better than that? I do not want to raise a son who is gonna f*ck up someone else’s life.

    I have a daughter, too. I can’t even wrap my mind around sending her out into the world at this point. It’s too painful to think about.

    1. I have a tween girl and am terrified at the thought of what might happen to her in high school and college. She was absolutely riveted by the hearings yesterday. I am hoping that exposing her to the sordid details of this whole scandal drives home the point that she should never, ever allow herself to be in a situation where teens are gathered without supervision, where teens are drinking or using drugs, or where people of legal drinking age are drinking to excess. [Note: I am not blaming the victims in this case, just thinking about how my daughter can mitigate her own risk.]

        1. Well, it’s not likely that someone to come to your rescue if things go sideways on you. Sometimes you have to rescue yourself, even pre-emptively. Or know danger when you see it. Also: don’t leave your friends alone in this situation. And a good friend won’t abandon you in this situation.

          FWIW, I was the first to get my license and was petrified that I’d get caught drinking and driving (so I either drank or drove; as a result, I saw a lot of bad stuff when I was the sole sober person. It was not fun or cool but it made me grow up faster than I wanted when I was the person who had the least real chance to step in before bad stuff happened).

          1. Friends need to help protect each other! The answer is not that girls need to lock themselves away and never get involved in risky situations. When I was a college freshman I partied really hard, but I had an amazing group of friends and we all took care of each other. As in, took the girl who just chugged a bottle of whiskey to the bathroom to throw it up. Kept track of everyone and searched for any missing people (I’ve knocked on bedroom doors and dragged friends out). If we arrived together, we went home together. No exceptions. If you wanted to hook up with a guy for the first time drunk, you could wait until you were sober. I made it through a ton of risky situations thanks to my friends. You can’t trust strangers to look out for you and intervene. Have a clear agreement with your friends before you go to a party and follow through on it. It’s important.

          2. Agreement with Miss above 100%.

            I have a number of friends with high school/early college daughters. I am the designated friend for all of them to explain to those daughters how to take care of themselves and their friends in school.

            Apparently hearing it from me resounds in a way that hearing it from their parents does not. Plus, I have no compunctions about explaining why you need a wingwoman, why you never drink a drink that was handed to you open, how to non-confrontationally accept and then get rid of a questionable drink, how to recognize bad situations, when drinking to excess is a bad idea (most of the time), where to get help after a bad situation, and that they always can call me even if they are afraid to call their parents. I pull no punches about the dangers of the world and I tell the girls how to protect themselves, although my best advice is to stay sober.

          3. This is so depressing to read! I don’t really want to relax and have a good time in the company of predators who are slipping things in drinks–only I turned the drink down, good for me! Or I was dragged out of a bedroom while I was impaired to rescue me from the predator in there. This all sounds awful!

    2. I have a teen son and daughter. Yes, my son is sick of me hearing me lecture him about consent (I got jumped on by our resident tr0ll for saying this the other day) but it will continue. Daughter also hears about consent, slightly different flavor, equal number of lectures.

      The thing I found enlightening was that my daughter said her high school class was taking yesterday about the testimonies of both Ford and Kavanaugh and the boys in the class absolutely jumped down the throat of the one boy who said that what happened to Ford was “probably just a joke.”

      They yelled at him about consent and a girl’s bodily autonomy and her right to be heard.

      So while this behavior is still undoubtedly taking place, at least they know it’s wrong…? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ that’s something, at least.

    3. Maybe I’m naive, but I sort of assume that most Brett Kavanaughs didn’t have parents that drilled in the importance of consent. I think most boys that grow up in houses with parents who expect them to respect women and seek enthusiastic consent aren’t going to do stuff like this.

      1. Exactly. And there are so many households where s3x is discussed but on a biological level only. Nothing about consent, or appropriate timing/age of consent, or even incest. This just wasn’t a thing that parents knew they needed to teach their children when I was growing up, even if they could have gathered the guts to have these conversations with them.

  24. I’m taking a trip to Costco tomorrow with a friend who has a membership. Its an hour away, and I haven’t been in almost 5 years after moving. What are must buys? I used to get their vitamins and allergy pills when I lived in a different city with a Costco nearby.

    2. It’s hard to know because their what they have available changes.

      I have liked a lot of the Kirkland brand wine lately. My Costco has good prices on some brand-name liquor (Maker’s, Bombay), and you can try the Costco liquor. It’s always worth checking out what’s in the produce section, but unless you eat a ton of a particular item, stick with hearty vegetables like brussels sprouts and broccoli and bell peppers. If you will have a cooler with you, they have organic chicken for a very good price. Also check out the blocks of cheese and other prepared foods (hummus, guac, chicken sausages, smoked salmon, etc) and check for the large blocks of Kerrygold butter. Beauty supply items can be great, but I’d only get a large quantity of something if I already use it. Vitamins and other OTC medications are worth it. I always buy my paper products, laundry detergent, dishwasher tabs, and garbage bags there. Oh, batteries, refills for Foodsaver bags, extra Sonicare toothbrush heads if you use one, razors, protein bars, bulk nuts (my favorite are the shelled pistachios). Basic clothes like undershirts have worked well for us. Also, we’ve had good luck with things like sheets, blankets, throw pillows, towels, and beach towels if you need any of that stuff and you like the look of it. If you celebrate Christmas, and they have it out already, their wrapping paper is the best.

      Yikes, I spend a lot of money at Costco.

  25. Going up to Montreal late next week for conference and staying over until Sunday. Taking 83-YO mother with me. She’s more capable than I am at walking anywhere and everywhere, and enjoys a good meal but doesn’t like to spend too much money or noisy places (she wears hearing aids so background noise is amplified). Does anyone have recommendations for things to do, places to see, places to eat and tea/coffee spots? I’d be very grateful.

    1. Juliette and Chocolat is a lovely dessert place – I have been to a few locations and non were terribly noisy.

      Marche Jean Talon is a beautiful food hall and market, with lots of cute restaurants nearby.

      Marche Bon Secours is in teh Old City – even when packed it always feels quiet. THere is a coffee shop at one end that you might like.

      Hope these three ideas help!

  26. How do I figure out what kind of shoes a model is wearing in a Nordstrom image? The image is for the jeans, but I want to buy the shoes. Call them?

    1. Their online chat feature is awesome. I once asked if floral detail on a dress was navy or black, and they were able to check and confirm!

    1. I’m an Iowan. Grassley is currently 85. I can’t imagine he’s going to run for re-election in 4 years when he’ll be 89.

  28. Hopefully this is a welcome distraction from the week. I’m getting married summer 2019 and found a website that will create a wedding dress to one’s specifications in 6 months. The website is dress anomolie dot com if you are interested in looking at it. I like the idea of the dress being based on what I want but also, you can’t try it on until it’s done. They have 100% satisfaction guaranteed but you have to front the money before its made. I’m not super set on having my dress be “the one perfect item of clothing!!!” but I want it to be something I like. The prices are $1000-2000 depending on fabric choice and dress style. You know someone who has used this company or something similar? Anyone have thoughts? Am I blinded by the novelty of the concept?

    1. Have you tried on many dresses yet? The dress market is so saturated that you’ll probably be able to find what you want at that price point unless you have a very specific vision or a unique size challenge. If you search for them on wedding boards and reddit you will find some not good reviews, though it seems like they have good customer service.

    2. Hello to a fellow summer 2019 bride! I just got my dress (hooray!) and I would definitely recommend trying stuff on in person. Some of the things I thought I’d like ended up not looking great on me (those open/keyhole backs), and some things I thought I’d never consider ended up looking really good (mermaids and fit and flares). It also made a real difference to me how the dress felt—was it heavy, did the lace itch, did I get super hot within 20 seconds of putting it on?

      FWIW, I went to a bridal salon that specializes in consignments and sample dresses. The vast majority of their inventory was in the 1k-2k range. I had a great experience and it was a lot less fussy than the experiences some of my friends have had in more conventional salons. If that’s an option in your location, I would definitely recommend it.

    3. I had my dress custom made by a local dressmaker who specialized in wedding and ballgowns. Dress with full-length cape (I had a winter wedding), both custom, ran $1300 over 15 years ago. No regrets on the spend.

      That said, I tried dresses at three or four places before deciding to go custom. Trying on dresses also satisfied my mom and MIL, who wanted to participate in the “dress shopping”. I tried lots of dresses on, figured out what worked, and refused to commit to anything at the salons. Then I went out and had the dress I wanted made, but I was able to say what I wanted with some specificity (e.g. silk duchesse satin with velvet and pearls, no lace, ivory instead of white or cream, french bustle, no visible petticoat when bustled, two piece dress, etc.) and that saved the dressmaker a ton of time.

    4. I bought my dress online on ebay. It was a Vera Wang dress that someone had bought at a sample sale but didn’t fit her, so it was never actually worn. I liked it because it was sleek and simple, all lace and had the neckline I was looking for. I look back and it was kind of a big risk taken, although I guess I could have resold it online if it hadn’t worked out. But I definitely went to a few boutiques and tried on a bunch of dresses and I would say that unless you have some particular vision, there are so many styles, fabrics, etc. that it is almost overwhelming how many options there are. So I echo what the poster said about that you should probably see them in person first and then decide from there whether you have a specific vision that you want to see made because you cannot find it. Also, my friend had a custom made gown and it took many more fittings to make it fit right whereas I only needed to go to get it fit 2 times. The lawyer in me tells me that you should not be paying for more than a deposit upfront – you have no idea what you are going to get and that’s a lot of money to be putting down before you have the end result.

    5. I was one of the first 100 or so anomalie dresses. Full disclosure, I went to college with one of the founders of the company and was forwarded her “I started a company!” email from a mutual friend. I was a bit nervous and probably wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t know Leslie’s background and career (had followed loosely via social media). I had a very specific vision of what I wanted and was not satisfied with all the boutique “fixes” that were suggested (pay $5k+ for a dress and then $2k for alterations to make it “perfect”). It is a bit nerve-wracking not to be able to try on the dress or see the final version in person until it’s all done but there are lots of check-ins during the manufacturing process. Their blog has lots of stories from brides and the reviews on weddingwire and such are pretty comprehensive as well. I would say I wish I had been a little bit more detailed in my feedback and descriptions. Some of the shortcomings I thought existed in my dress had to do with my lack of knowing HOW to design a dress. They have a lot more dresses under their belt and a lot more dress consultants so I think the process should be smoother now. I believe I answered a lot of questions on reddit (weddingplanning) and I know a few other brides have as well (not all glowing, so it’s pretty balanced). You can see my dress here: https://dressanomalie.blog/why-i-chose-anomalie-christine/

    6. think I’m stuck in moderation but I also tried on dresses IRL (everywhere). Super-fancy boutiques, Kleinfelds, David’s Bridal, sample size store (Glamour Closet). Ended up going with an anomalie dress (first 100 or so) and no regrets. Wish I could do it again! Follow their instagram as they go in detail with the whole process.

  29. Hoping this could be a fun fashion question for some of you. I work at a school and we are celebrating the 50th “birthday” in a few weeks. The staff is encouraged to dress up in 1968-era fashion. For the 40th “birthday” this resulted in a lot of tie dye, headbands, and John Len on-style sunglasses from Party City.
    I’d like to purchase an outfit that is inspired by 1968, but a little more authentic. Bonus points for affordability and if the various pieces can be reworn/restyled with my regular wardrobe (so maybe a shirt/blouse?)
    Any and all suggestions much appreciated. Thanks!

    1. Go*gle the most popular tv shows of 1968–Laugh In, Bewitched, Green Acres, Beverly Hillbillies are just a few iconic ones—and do an image search for some of the main characters in those shows. You could also borrow from Faye Dunaway in the Thomas Crowne Affair or another popular movie from that year.

    2. What about a mod look? Mini skirt or dress, maybe knee high boots, eyelashes? Twiggy-inspired?

    3. I googled “family photos 1968” and found some great looks. Based on those, I’d suggest checking out the photos, and then going to look at Boden dresses. They’re moving a bit more into the modern prairie look, but you can still find some shift dresses that would look suitably retro.

      Also, it looks like to really get the authentic feel, you’re going to need a hairdresser with an entire can of Aquanet hairspray. Those hairdos look sturdy and immovable.

      1. I was also going to direct you to Boden. I have a few dresses from them that would fit your needs.

  30. I have a coworker (I’m her supervisor) who is worried about the WiFi extender being right outside her office. She wants to either move the extender or move her office. There’s no place she can be that’s more than 25 feet away from it. My office is right next to hers. I think she’s being overly cautious, especially since she’s already on a laptop and/or cell phone most of the day anyway. I told her our other coworker might be willing to switch offices with her if she’s that concerned. Is she being excessively worried about a minor concern in the grand scheme of health concerns or am I not taking a legitimate concern seriously? My office is right next to hers if that matters.

    2. Does she secretly really just not want to sit next to her boss and thinks this is a possibly-acceptable way of finagling a move? Because otherwise she’s in tinfoil hat territory here.

      1. Thanks, my gut reaction was that she’s being crazy but I do want to take her concerns seriously so she feels heard. It’s definitely not a wanting to move away from me thing, it started over a year ago when she was pregnant and I wasn’t her supervisor yet.

    3. Some people do have a strong reaction to WiFi, including headaches and brain fog. There are multiple studies available, even referencing military testing that goes back to WWII. The type of product can also make a difference. A repeater or range extender is often less problematic than a network extender.

      If you can’t move her, you could provide a barrier. There are products that act as a Farraday cage. There is even paint available that blocks WiFi. She would need to hardwire her laptop, but that’s the tradeoff.

      Source: this was a small part of my grad thesis.

  31. I got dumped last night by the man I really thought I would be spending my life with. We’d been long distance and he was supposed to move to my city today. Twelve hours before he was supposed to get on the plane, he told me he couldn’t do it because he has feelings for somebody he used to date in his city and saying goodbye to her was too hard. We’ve been on and off for six years and I thought this was finally going to be the time we built a life together. Obviously I should have known better. I’m so angry — at him and at myself for believing him.

    1. I know many don’t read this far past when it’s posted so please don’t assume lack of massive supportive responses equals a lack of support. After 6 years of off and on, I am so sorry you’re losing such a constant. At the same time, I also wish for you someone who could never be off and on with you because they couldn’t ever be without you <3

    2. I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself this weekend and try and let some of the anger at yourself go. It only makes you hurt more. Go cry, nap, get some exercise as needed. Internet hugs!

    3. I’m so sorry this happened. Take time to grieve and take care of yourself.

    4. Anon, I am so, so sorry. Find ways to be kind to yourself.
      My seven-year marriage is dissolving right now, something I never anticipated. If you want to post a burner e-mail I’d love to connect offline and maybe we can be sources of support and encouragement for one another.

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