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Updated: Nov 9, 2018 137 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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going out top holiday 2018Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Whoa: the Nordtrom Fall Sale just started, and there are a ton of great things for upcoming holiday parties as well as general work/weekend wear. I like this pretty applique tank from Chelsea28 because it's a festive, flattering color but not ostensibly “holiday” themed — and you can pair it with a slinky pencil skirt for a date night or a pair of trouser pants and sweater or blazer for a work event. (You may also want to try this on top of other shirts, particularly a turtleneck bodysuit.) I'll try to round up a few more picks below — there are a lot of really cute options. Pictured: Side Appliqué Tank, $47.40 at Nordstrom. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Some notes on tech updates:
  • I think we're just about done with edits to the comments — we added gray boxes, made the comments text a smaller font and reduced the white space. I also think we got the kinks of Expand/Collapse worked out, and it's only showing the number of approved comments now.
  • Speaking of the moderation queue, I'm pleased to note that we're now officially testing the “approved email address” method of non-moderation (assuming you're not otherwise triggering the previous moderation queue filters). Based on testing — you have to a) fill out ANY username, b) a “real” email address (we're going to delete anything like fake@fake.com or no@thank.you) and c) check the box to “save my name & email address for later.” (See this screenshot if you're confused.) Once we approve the comment, your future comments will escape the moderation queue as long as you use that email address. (You can use a different username if you want, although it's a violation of our commenting policy to use different usernames in the same thread to make it look like multiple people agree with your position. (Just to be totally clear: submitting your email address does not sign you up for a newsletter, and any information submitted to us is still subject to The Corporette Privacy Policy (e.g., we're not going to sell it).) Please note that the new system is still subject to the old moderation queue — so if you're using uncivil language in your comment or if your IP address has been manually added then you still will find yourself in the moderation queue. As before we're going to try to keep the comments moving as quickly as possible (I've got a timer going off on my phone ever 15 minutes during busy hours!) so thank you for your patience..
 

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anon

    If you’re college educated with corporate work experience, what’s the best way to approach a job search for receptionist/waitress/other jobs? I know it’s a step down in both prestige and compensation. I have very specific reasons for doing this, which I will mention in cover letters. Any tips would be appreciated!

    • AIMS

      I think your best bet might be networking to see if anyone knows someone hiring.

    • busybee

      I don’t think you’d really need to send a cover letter for a waitress job. I waitressed in law school. I responded to a Craiglist ad, went to the restaurant for an interview, and was hired on the spot. Unless it’s some super high end restaurant, they’re likely not all that interested in a cover letter or resume. The only thing they cared about was that I had at least a modicum of restaurant experience (I was a hostess in high school).

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, to make a simpler resume that removes much of your work experience and possibly some of your education. I don’t think you should lie if you’re asked about it, but I think it’s fine to submit a tailored resume that has fewer jobs and kind of generalizes or dumbs down your work responsibilities. Starbucks doesn’t want to hire an attorney that’s been a law firm partner, regardless of what you say in your cover letter. They’ll think you’re just in between jobs and will jump ship as soon as you can get an opportunity in your field.

    • Receptionist

      I did this last year (and am still in the receptionist role)…a lot of companies want their receptionist to have a degree, so that’s not strange. I framed it as I got burnt out on my past industry (true) and wanted to test out different industries (also true) while I decided what I wanted to do long term.

      I think that having a good attitude about everything and not acting like you’re “too good” for menial tasks is key. I do a lot of dishes and while I obviously didn’t go to school to do dishes or to file papers or answer the phone, my attitude has been recognized and I’m on my way to a promotion in the new year. I try to be helpful and kind and do good work without complaining about anything being “below me”.

      I will say that after a year of this, I deeply miss the challenges of my previous job and the problem solving aspect of it. I’m pretty bored, intellectually speaking, in a receptionist role. You may or may not have the same problem.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Pro-tip, at least when I worked there, Cheesecake Factory had an online test you had to do and if you got above X score and met some other basic requirements, I think they HAD to interview you. So if you’re good at tests, that might be an easy foot in the door.

    • GabriellaTaupeShoes

      I agree with all of these comments. And from experience, getting this type of job should be very easy for you. You’ve already sharpened your skills in the corporate workforce and with your degree. Just go in there, be the smart woman that you are, be willing to work and they will see your talents and hopefully show their appreciation toward you.

  2. Anonymous

    Recommendations for a vegetarian dish to bring to a “friendsgiving?” Can be an appetizer, entree, or side dish.

  3. FormerlyPhilly

    I am visiting family soon and want to send a food gift ahead of time – any recommendations?
    I’m considering Levain cookies (shipped from NYC), or Jeni’s ice cream, or Blue Bottle Coffee.
    Anyone receive/give anything fabulous and tasty? No price limit, just needs to be able to be shipped.

    • Vicky Austin

      Graeter’s ice cream is also fabulous. Tell the raspberry chocolate hello from me.

      • Anonymous

        Graeter’s is sold in most grocery stores, so I think it’s kind of a weird thing to ship someone. Don’t get me wrong, I like it! But I buy it pretty regularly at the grocery store and if I got a special mail delivery of it, I’d just feel bad that the sender paid all those shipping fees.

        • Vicky Austin

          I had no idea Graeter’s was sold in grocery stores! I have always lived in rural areas, so it was a special treat from afar for us. :)

        • Anon

          I’m guessing this is a regional thing. I’ve never seen it in a grocery store.

          • Anonymous

            I wouldn’t say “most” grocery stores, but it’s in Whole Foods nationwide.

    • BB

      I’m a big fan of both Graeter’s and Jeni’s! I’d say Graeter’s tends to have slightly more traditional flavors, and Jeni’s can be a bit more out there. Both are AMAZING! Only downside vs. coffee or cookies is that someone has to be there within 15 hours or so of the package getting delivered.

      • Anonymous

        These are my two favorite brands, but both are sold in my local whole foods.

    • Anonymous

      Things I’ve received and gifted:
      -Gift box from Mouth foods. They offer specialty and artisan treats. I’ve received a cravings box before that had delicious and unique treats
      -Breakfast box. My husband’s family have sent boxes from Vermont Country Store (pancake mix, syrup) and another New England company (bacon! ham!) ahead of their stay with us over the holidays. Super fun to cook together when they’re here.
      -Cheese! Here in Washington, people are fanatical about WSU’s Cougar Gold Cheese (sharp cheddar that comes in a 30oz can). Even the alumni from their rival school will begrudgingly eat it because it is so delicious. I often bring a can when visiting family out of state. A can is a fun presentation/conversation starter and 30oz is enough cheese for a few days of snacking. You can also order online.
      -Smoked turkey from Greenberg’s. There was a NYT article about their fan-base back in 2010 and I’ve sent smoked turkeys to my in-laws before we visit for the holidays. It’s nice to have available for sandwiches/lunches, dip for crackers (chopped up with cream cheese), and make into soups.

      • Scarlett

        +1 to cheese; my go-to gift is cheese from Cowgirl Creamery & I believe they ship nationally.

      • Sunflower

        Greenberg’s turkeys are delicious and I enjoy getting them as gifts, but be aware that they take up A LOT of room in the refrigerator.

      • Anonymous

        Those turkeys must be an acquired taste. I found them waaaaay too smoky. Our cat slept in the shipping box and then smelled like a campfire for a while, so that was worthwhile though.

        I recently had Zabar’s Chocolate Babka for the first time and think it would be a fantastic gift.

        • Ellen

          Kudo’s for the Zabar’s Bobka! I love Bobka, and Zabar’s is worth makeing the trip on the crosstown bus! I useually do not care for the Upper West Side, but they have better baked goods then I have on the Upper East Side, and even tho Eli’s is near me, I perfer Zabar’s for good baked goods and other prepared foods that makes Whole Foods look medeiocre. Also, the guys at Zabar love to stare at me! I do not care b/c they are harmless! There is a Fairways on the West Side, but I perfer the one on 86th Street near me. YAY!!!!

    • Ms B

      Zingerman’s Praise the Lard package, no question. Delish and arrives in a great tote!

  4. Anon

    I’ve seen a couple of people mention recently that they went down in bra cup size after having kids. I was surprised by those comments, because I for some reason thought most women were a bigger cup size after kids but I have no idea where I got that question. So, since I don’t feel comfortable asking in real life, did you go down in cup size after having kids? Is this because people go up in band size, so the cup is actually the same size (i.e. 34b to a 36a)? Or does it just depend on the person?

    • Anonymous

      Yep, most people who breastfeed go down in cup size when they wean. Your breasts get bigger during pregnancy, SCARY BIG during the first few days of nursing before the baby learns to efficiently remove milk, back to normal/slightly big while you continue nursing and then usually look small and deflated once you wean.

      • A

        +1000 especially to the “small and deflated after you wean” part. And if you go through this process twice, guess what – they get smaller and more deflated every time!

    • Leatty

      I went up a cup size (36DDD to 36G). When I was nursing, I went up to a 38I.

    • Anonymous

      I was 34 DDD and either stayed the same or went up a cup size post weaning. I honestly can’t remember what I was pre-baby because there were so many sizes in between, partly due to weight gain in addition to biological/hormonal/nursing changes.

    • Anonymous

      I think it just depends on the person. Within my own family some of the women were larger after kids/nursing and some were smaller.

    • IBT

      I think that I though that, too (or at least, hoped!). I’m not down a cup size (I’d basically be in negatives at that point), but they’re definitely noticeably less full, and I’ve noticed some differences in how some clothes fit. Two pregnancies, second was 3 years back, only nursed about 6 weeks.
      I periodically toss around the idea of getting an augmentation, not so much for the look but I miss the full, spring-back feeling, if that makes sense.

    • anon

      I went up a cup size during pregnancy, but went back to my pre pregnancy size about 6 months after weaning. Then a couple years later, LO got bigger and refused to go in the jogging stroller, so I went back up a cup size.

    • Anonymous

      YMMV (I am the same) but I feel . . . looser / less firm. So now I like snugging the girls all up with something like a coobie bra when I am home vs going braless (except for sleeping).

    • Anonymous

      For myself and my friends who were busty pre-pregnancy, we seemed to have stayed at our pre-pregnancy size (post-weaning) or even gone up some. My band size permanently increased with a slight increase in cup as well. My friends who were small busted pre-pregnancy are the ones who complain that they are even smaller now than they were before they got pregnant.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I am the exact same size as a was before pregnancy but I did not breastfeed at all ever, so that might have something to do with it.

    • Anonymous

      My bra size is the same after breastfeeding but they’re much softer than they were before and fill it differently. My waist also widened. Great combo (no, horrible combo).

    • babyweight

      I went up in band size. cup stayed the same, but my b00bs are softer now.

    • Anon

      I was a 32C before pregnancy, went up almost a cup size while pregnant, and am now barely a 32B after. I have only been pregnant once and it ended in a miscarriage so the change was not from breastfeeding. I assume it’s the effect of hormonal changes. No one told me you could end up smaller so it was a bit of a surprise.

    • Anonymous

      Went down 2 cup sizes after miscarriage (B to AA) then settled at A after kid 1. Jury’s still out where I will land after kid 2.

    • Anonn

      Opposite of most posters here. Band size stayed the same but went from an A pre-kids to a B after kid #1 and a C after kid #2. I miss having a smaller chest. Only nursed/pumped for 6 weeks with each kid.

  5. Unique Vintage Dresses

    Anyone purchased from Unique Vintage before? How are their sizing and return policy? I’m eyeing some dresses for upcoming holiday events…

    • K

      I bought a black dress from them for Halloween. I wore it several times to different parties and even to work on Halloween. The material was low quality for the price I paid for it ($60). I didn’t return it because it was cute and fit nice so I can’t attest to their return policy.

    • Worry about yourself

      I placed a few orders from them once ModCloth got acquired, thinking it would be a suitable alternative. The quality of their clothing is . . . eh. I’ve had some things last a while and other things start to fall apart after just a couple wears. But last I checked, and this was around Easter so maybe it’s better now, they only take returns within two weeks, which can feel like a narrow window if you need to haul a box of dresses to the post office, and you have to pay for the return which I think is $5? Not the worst, but not the best either.

  6. Super duper anon

    Anyone ever realize they made a huge mistake in getting married but decide to stay married? I am unhappy in my marriage but my DH has changed every single thing I’ve taken issue with. I am still not happy. He does not want a divorce. At all. Even though I’m honest about my unhappiness. Everything is “fine” I’m that there is not any major drama. I really really do not ever want to garden with hm, and I don’t think I ever really did. I have a lot of issues that explain why I married someone I am not attracted to, but recognizing those issues does not make it easier to swallow the thought that this is “the rest of my life.” I feel shallow and ungrateful for feeling this way. I am intherapy and have been for 2 years but it has not helped me come to terms with this issue. I have tried all conventional wisdom regarding date nights, etc but they do not help me. I think conventional wisdom does not apply because I am not trying to “recapture” something, rather it is something that was never there. Also, he pays attention to me, expresses attraction tpwards me, makes every effort, etc. Not sure what I’m asking specifically, I guess I just want to see if anyone else has a marriage like this.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have kids? If you don’t, I’d absolutely split, there’s no reason to stay married.
      This is an unpopular opinion around here, but I’d definitely stay in a not-so-passionate marriage to keep my family together if I had kids. I know a LOT of women who left their husbands because of lack of gardening passion, but the truth is that dating as a single mom is hard. Most of my friends haven’t gotten into new relationships, and because of the responsibility of kids and work, it’s not like they’re having wild NSAs gardening on the regular either. So they haven’t really addressed the passion issue, and because of the divorce, they’ve lost a partner who was a source of logistical, emotional and financial support and their kids get shuttled between two households and have to deal with tension between their parents. Obviously if you’re fighting all the time or whatnot that’s not healthy for kids either. But if the only issue is lack of attraction, I would not break up a family over it.

      • Anon

        +1. I agree with this advice. No kids, divorce. Kids and just a lack of passion, then I would stay married. If you actively hate him as a person or fight all the time, then I would feel differently. But if you just think of him like a close friend and not as a romantic partner, I would stay together till the kids are older.

        • Anonymous

          +1. “Kids and just a lack of passion, then I would stay married.” Follow some of the single mom bloggers out there and see how it feels…

        • Ellen

          I agree. Once I have kid’s, I will focus on them and will put gardening on the back burner, even if I am attracted to my husband. Kids are much more important then stroking DH’s ego (and other things men demand these days). FOOEY on that! Of course, if the guy is a doosh and impregnated me, then its clear the gardening is eggzover! But I would stick with the schmoe, b/c it would be HIS obligation to support me and the children after I gave him access to allow me to conceive. That, I say, was the price of access, and the price continues until the kid’s are over 18, and then only then will I start looking for a new man to garden. Once I do, I would set the schmoe loose to park his privates elsewhere! FOOEY on a man like that!

      • C2

        I would deeply disagree with this. Every family is different, but I have a close friend who’s parents were never once happy. They were good to the kids and never fought, never yelled. They just didn’t love each other and were stuck in a marriage where neither of them were thriving. They divorced after my friend and her brother were out of school, and both kids have told the parents they wished they would have done it years earlier. Children intensely feel deep-seeded unhappiness and the tension ate away at them and caused them a lot of emotional pain.

        • Anonymous

          Maybe, but single people can be unhappy too and divorce isn’t a cure-all for unhappiness. DH and I are more like friends than lovers at this point, but we get along great and I can’t imagine parenting young kids without his support. Also, while I work and earn a good salary, my lifestyle would take a big hit if we divorced because two households cost a lot more than one. Having money to travel, outsource chores, send my kids to awesome summer camps, etc., brings me a lot of happiness. Maybe it’s shallow but it’s the truth, and I don’t believe I’d be happier single.

      • Senior Attorney

        Also agree with this. Especially the part about if you don’t have kids, you should be out of there yesterday!

      • anon +40

        Consider what kind of relationship you’re modeling for your kids. They will pick up on the unhappiness & in their own adult relationships, they will believe that’s what is “normal.” Do you want this kind of life for them as well?

        I was raised by a single mom who showed me the value of independence, working hard, & valuing yourself & your ideals. We didn’t always have an easy life when I was growing up, but I never once saw her compromise herself, & I treasure that & have always aspired to be that kind of woman myself.

        • Never too many shoes...

          So much yes to this. My parents were not in love, were not affectionate and did very little together. They were married but each so unhappy. They divorced after I finished university and I so wish they had done it long before.

          I had no idea what a functional, loving partnership was supposed to look like. In figuring it out, I made some terrible choices that I might have avoided if I had a better idea of what adult relationships could/should look like.

          And regardless of the kids, OP, if you do not want to ever have sex with him, leave. I strongly believe that it is an important part of self-care and good health and I would not be willing to just abandon that part of my life.

        • Anon

          Oh god, yeah, this is definitely going to mess up your kids’ sense of what a good relationship is supposed to look like.

          Signed,
          Somebody needing a lot of therapy to work through these issues

          • Anonymous

            I mean, my parents have been married for 40 years and I really don’t know if they have a good sex life – is that something any children know or want to know? It’s important that parents treat each other kindly and respectfully but I’m not sure how your private sex life affects what you model for your kids. Dh and I are actually pretty passionate privately but not at all into PDA. What happens in front of your kids and what happens behind closed doors isn’t necessarily related, I don’t think.

          • Anon

            It’s obviously not just about sex, come on. OP is unhappy and thinks her marriage was a huge mistake. I guarantee you her kids are going to pick up on that.

    • Anonymous

      I guess I don’t understand. There’s often one party who thinks things are fine, can be fixed etc and does not want to divorce. The party that wants to divorce controls this and breaks that person’s heart and leaves unless they’re ok living unhappy for the rest of their lives, which you aren’t. So why not leave?

      • Anonymous

        Thank you both for your responses. I guess the reason I dont leave is the scenario that Anon at 2:48 describes. I have 3 kids. I have a logistical, financial partner and my kids enjoy and value our family life. Is gardening important enough to give up everything else? There is a lack of a deeper emotional connection as well, but, even if I leave, no guarantee I’d find that with someone else anyways, we generally support each other in our careers, share all child rearing and house duties (if anything he does more).

        • Anon

          Frankly, I don’t think you get passant gardening by being a single mother to 3 kids, unless they are older high school/college aged. And, assuming your husband brings in a near equal or greater amount of money, your standard of living will significantly lower and costs go up. I don’t think that is worth it just because the s*x is bad.

        • Anonymous

          Have you considered opening up your marriage to other s x partners? Not something I have done, but it may allow you to have satisfaction in that area while maintaining or strengthening your marriage?

        • Senior Attorney

          I think you’d be within your rights to leave, but if you’re not actively miserable I think there’s value in preserving the family until the kids are up and out.

        • Scarlett

          Oof this is tough. For me, maybe not everyone, I could deal with the gardening waxing and waning (I think that’s normal anyway), but the lack of a deep emotional connection wouldn’t be a way I’d personally want to live. I’d also offer that kids are a strain on marriages in the best of times. You say you’re not trying to recapture things because it wasn’t there to begin with, but I’d probe a little on why you married him and see if any of those reasons still resonate with you, if not, I’d seriously consider leaving. Yes, two households are more expensive than one, but if he’s still into you, maybe you could more easily reach an amiable co-parenting arrangement. So much of this is what do you value. For me, I’ll take a smaller house, no vacations or not fancy vacations, some logistics issues for the hope of a decent emotional connection and a fulfilling personal life. I also think that sometimes we have to learn the hard way and date or marry the wrong guy to be able to spot the right one later. I’m guessing you might have married your H due to social pressure and fear of not having the life you dreamed of and he was there. That’s a trap a lot of people fall into. I have a few friends who are a generation older than me, were in your shoes, divorced and don’t regret the marriage because they got their kids out of it. One remarried, one never did, both are happy they left. Best of luck to you, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Another thought, there’s a FB group called What Would a Virginia Wolf Do where there’s a lot of older women who talk about issues like this and you might find a broader group of perspectives.

    • Anonymous

      Hi – I am you except for the therapy part. I too don’t have questions or answers.

    • Anonymous

      Leave. You deserve to be happy and your husband does too. He doesn’t know it yet, but he will be much better off without you.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Leave. Without any snarky comment, just leave especially if you don’t have kids. You will not be able to handle being this miserable and will probably cheat on him. I probably would. Leave. You’ll both be fine eventually.

        • Anon

          Pointing out, correctly, that the husband will be better off without a partner who does not have any fond feelings for him is NOT snarky.

    • Anonymous

      This article is a good one for you. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/why-people-stay-unhappy-relationships “At the end of the day, whether or not your partner is still head over heels, if you yourself are no longer invested in the relationship, you have to get out… this is your life, and you have to live it for yourself.” You deserve to be happy. If you are a mother, you are the primary model for your kids and they see and sense more than you think.

    • Anonymous

      I wasn’t in your shoes because my marriage had many issues that my ex was unwilling to address, but I just want to chime in and say that dating as a single mom is not nearly THAT bad – not much worse than dating as a single person, if you have a reasonable custody arrangement. I have 50/50 custody and a demanding job, and dating can be a chore under any circumstances, but I’ve had some good and great experiences. Plenty of quality gardening. Especially once you are an adult and have a better idea of what you want, d*** is plentiful, as my good friend said.

    • Anonymous

      OP, have you had that fireworks feeling with anyone other than your husband? If you didn’t have kids, my advice would be to leave and see what you can find. But I agree that it’s not easy with three kids and there is a difference between a toxic relationship and one that’s passion-less but just fine. I have two friends who divorced with young kids. Both have had different challenges but one made the decision from a toxic position and is ultimately happy notwithstanding all the issues she’s juggling. Another wanted passion and still doesn’t have it, feels hopeless, and her kids are miserable from seeing her miserable. You never know what will happen but I would try to at least figure out what would make you happy before you do anything else.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you all for weighing in. The different POVs offered are so interesting to me, because they reflect the internal fight I have within my brain. I guess there just is no easy answer.

      • Anon

        My best friend just went through this but she did the opposite- after 6 months of being married she finally admitted how she was feeling. Their divorce was just finalized a year after their wedding. I don’t think she regrets the divorce, but she does regret some things. She completely shut out her friends and family because she was afraid of the judgment, and that really injured our friendship for a long time. And she had to endure a lot on her own. And people did judge her, and she feels intense guilt about it all. I also know she sometimes feels as if she should’ve tried harder so she could say she did all she could. She’s now having phenomenal s3x and is working through the rest and she knew she’d never have that with her husband. I think it’s really important that you’ve done the therapy and put in so much time and thought, but eventually you owe it to yourself to live your best life, even if you have to go through some stuff to get there.

    • Anon

      I know this may sound like a stupid thing to ask but is there anything you feel passionate about right now? Eg a hobby, sport, something where you get some fun? If I were you (and I’m not, and I’m not saying this is the Best Way Forward) I’d keep the relationship and focus on finding some non-gardening kind of you thing that makes you feel alive.

      • Anonymous

        THis is an interesting point. How is your life apart from your marriage? Do you have times when you feel happy, energetic, hopeful? Are there activities you enjoy and look forward to? Do you have fun with your kids and with friends?

        And…what does your therapist say? If it’s been two years, have you made progress?

      • Anonymous

        +1. And if nothing makes you really happy, it’s probably more of a “you” issue than a relationship issue.

        • Owl lover

          Yeah and not necessarily a “you” issue and more of a depression issue. Everything is just fine. But nothing is great. :-/

    • Anon for this

      Ok. If outside of gardening there are no issues, and if you are very good friends and very compatible, and he does not want to get a divorce…. would you consider opening up your relationship?

      Me and DH have a rocky garden. We are pretty incompatible in the garden and have lots of depression/anxiety that gets in the way of us having good gardening times. But we love each other and are perfect for each other in every other way. We started going to a swingers club. And it totally changed gardening for us. We’ve only partnered up with others once, but the visual stimuli of just being there really changed our interest in gardening. We also keep it a gardening only thing.

      But this option is definetly not for everyone and it takes a lot of energy to keep things good. I often feel like I am the least jealous person on the planet, so it works for me.

      That being said, do you want to garden with anyone? my best friend doesn’t really find men attractive (or women for that matter) nor does she have any interest in gardening. So if that’s the case, then your disinterest in gardening with your husband is not going to change if you are with someone else.

    • GreenThumb

      Not all therapy is created equal. I strongly suggest you read the book Passionate Marriage (and ask your partner to read it as well, if they are willing). It was written by someone who is both a marriage counselor and a gardening therapist, and he gets to the heart of the issue and how to transform it. If you read that book and nothing changes, I’d be shocked.

  7. Anonymous

    Someone posted yesterday about having a hard time getting a flu shot in DC. Hopefully you found one. But if not or for others – Kaiser will give a flu shot for free to anyone including those who do NOT have insurance with Kaiser. They don’t seem to advertise this service. Also I asked the nurse and she said – if places in DC are running out it’s because of how many they ordered/misjudging how many people they’d get but overall there isn’t a shortage right now and in fact she sees that KP administered a lot in Sept-early Oct and now the takers have really slowed down.

    • Anonymous

      good to know.

      Also– if you’re in DC proper having a hard time finding the flu shot, you might try the suburbs. My family in the MD suburbs had no trouble getting the flu shot free at Target and Safeway pharmacies recently. My husband also recently got his from One Medical in DC if you happen to be a patient there.

  8. Anonymous

    Is anyone familiar with the Driver’s Mart chain? I need to help my 75 year old mom buy a used car, and they have one that looks good, but I’m not familiar with them. Are they like CarMax? Something seems…cheesy about them.

  9. Senior Attorney

    Thank you, Kat and team, for finally fixing the moderation issue! So happy to see my posts showing up in real time again!

  10. Anonymous

    This article is a good one for you. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/why-people-stay-unhappy-relationships “At the end of the day, whether or not your partner is still head over heels, if you yourself are no longer invested in the relationship, you have to get out… this is your life, and you have to live it for yourself.” You deserve to be happy. If you are a mother, you are the primary model for your kids and they see and sense more than you think.

  11. Anonymous

    I need some help with a family issue. My mom suffers from undiagnosed but crippling anxiety (or some other issue idk). I have suggested for many years that she needs treatment. My (much) older brother, who has lived a plane ride away my entire life, has always brushed off my concerns. Our mother said all kinds of terrible things about me starting from the time I was in middle school – she never had any reason to think I was doing hard drugs, etc., it was all a product of her anxiety, but unless you spend a LOT of time with her she seems perfectly normal. My brother has always assumed I was a bad kid.

    I’m 34 now – I still have a strained relationship with my family and I don’t really spend much time with them. My mom recently visited my brother and he got to see a little taste of how she can be. He called me right after she left and told me mom needs to be hospitalized, her mental state has deteriorated, he’s never seen anything like it, etc. When he described what happened I was like – this is what I’ve been dealing with for more than 20 years. I tried to tell you. You didn’t listen. So I checked out. I got my own therapy and moved on from this years ago.

    But now that he’s like – oh this is what you were talking about yeah maybe you had a point – it’s dragging up all sorts of feelings for me. He also wants me to talk to her because he thinks I’m some sort of mom whisperer. I’m angry – I was a kid and you left me to fend for myself with this woman, why should I intercede on your behalf now? You don’t even have to live with her. I… don’t want to deal with this. Am I terrible if I just sort of proceed as normal with mom and let brother figure out his own stuff?

    • Anon

      It’s not your problem anymore. You don’t need to try to fix your mom, your brother, or their relationship. Your brother is an adult and can deal with it on his own.

      • Scarlett

        You can stay angry and be within your rights, but you might find an ally in your brother now that you are both adults, and develop a “nice to have in your life” relationship with him. We are all vulnerable to the unreliable narrators in our lives, and one of the greatest joys of my adult life has been evaluating people for myself and realizing that I had a lot of misinformation and forming adult relationships of my own. Your brother was misinformed, he’s realizing that now, and having close family members as you age can be really positive. This doesn’t have to have anything to do with your mom other than her serving as a catalyst for conversation.

    • Anonymous

      No, you are not terrible. I think you can say to your brother, I had to accept long ago that I can’t fix mom. You are welcome to try, and I hope you are successful. But for my mental health, I need you to leave me out of it. I also need you to know I was very hurt that you dismissed my concerns about mom when I was younger, and this situation is bringing up all that hurt and anger. I love you, but I need some space to deal with that too.

    • Anonymous

      You’re not terrible; it sounds perfectly normal to be over and done with this situation that he’s just coming to terms with. But I wouldn’t treat this as an all-or-nothing situation where you just go away and have nothing to do him. I’d work through the anger and abandonment that’s surfacing now, so you don’t have to live with that long-term. Maybe you can do that on your own; maybe you’d benefit from a counselor. Then, see what kind of relationship can emerge with your brother.

      That doesn’t mean you have to solve the “mom problem” in the way he wants you to. His understanding of a core relationship has just shifted, and that’s going to take a while for him to come to grips with. You don’t have to solve that for him.

      But you both might be able to process your own stuff and then find a way forward as brother and sister.

    • rainy day

      Good for you for taking care of yourself and moving on. I wouldn’t discourage your brother from taking some action, but the action can’t be to have you deal with her.

      Maybe some distance has actually given your brother insight — since she hasn’t been slowly deteriorating in front of him, he can suddenly see the full extent of the problem. If he’s concerned, he can come up with a solution (he can talk to a social worker or someone to come up with a plan) and carry it out. Obviously a talk from you is not going to resolve the problem (or you would have solved it long ago), and I would stress that.

      If you’re totally done, and it’s best for your own well-being to stay out of it, own that.

      Also, your relationship with your mom is what it is. But could your relationship with your brother improve if his perspective/view changes as he realizes what really went on? I guess he really did not understand for whatever reason.

  12. Anon

    I’m looking for an LBD. Something with some kind of interest and I want something that is truly a cocktail dress — not something that could be worn to work. I’m a size 10 and have big b00bs and broad shoulders so I prefer a v-neck or scoop neck or something that does not have a high neckline. Seen anything good lately?

  13. Anonymous

    My insurance doesn’t cover a device I need, so I’m going to pay cash. I’ve heard you can negotiate a discount. What percentage are we talking here? Should I go in with will you give me ___ off since I’m paying in cash? How does this work?

    • Anonymous

      You can ask what the negotiated rate for insurance is (will vary by plan- start with yours). This is also highly depebsNt in what the device is and why you need it. Life saving vs cosmetic will have far different conversations.

      Also, with whom are you negotiating? A DME? A physician? A hospital? Do you have a letter of medical necessity? Is it $30k or $300?

      If it Is it something commonly not covered by insurance that people pay. Cash for (genetic prenatal testing for low risk women under 35 comes to mind) there may already be a set cash price.

  14. rainy day

    Good for you for taking care of yourself and moving on. I wouldn’t discourage your brother from taking some action, but the action can’t be to have you deal with her.

    Maybe some distance has actually given your brother insight — since she hasn’t been slowly deteriorating in front of him, he can suddenly see the full extent of the problem. If he’s concerned, he can come up with a solution (he can talk to a social worker or someone to come up with a plan) and carry it out. Obviously a talk from you is not going to resolve the problem (or you would have solved it long ago), and I would stress that.

    If you’re totally done, and it’s best for your own well-being to stay out of it, own that.

    Also, your relationship with your mom is what it is. But could your relationship with your brother improve if his perspective/view changes as he realizes what really went on? I guess he really did not understand for whatever reason.

  16. Liz

    I’ve lost some weight, just by eating healthier and trying to be more active during the day at work, like stairs more. The hard part is the clothes. I just transitioned from summer clothes back to fall/winter. All are 8-10 and too big, but I don’t want to spend a lot of money buying new clothes just yet. I’m not used to being a 4-6 size. Any tips for making the clothes you have work when having lost weight? Or maybe even favorite places to buy inexpensive transition pieces?

    • cookie

      I’d pick up a few basics from Target and old navy to fill the gap until you’re ready to buy in your new size.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        I also find dresses with a bit of stretch to be more forgiving of my fluctuations in size. I’m a little bit heavier now than I was this summer, but I can still wear the same faux wrap dresses (brands are Leota and Karina, if you’re interested in specifics).

    • MagicUnicorn

      I’m in a similar situation and have found some great JCrew & comparable pieces on Poshmark for Old Navy clearance prices.

      Skirts and dresses have more forgiveness than pants when I am between sizes, too.

    • AnonZ

      Agree with MagicUnicorn re: pants. I would prioritize getting a few pairs of staple pants (black, grey, maybe navy) that fit in your new size. Well-fitting pants, especially slim-cut pants, will help make slightly too-large tops look intentional. I would suggest Sloan Skinny Fit or Avery cuts from BR.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have a sewing machine? It is fairly easy to take shirts and dresses, turn them inside out, and trace the seams, curving in an inch or two, to take your clothing in. If it doesn’t work you can always rip out the new seam.

  17. Anna

    Best second hand find ever – Max Mara weekend wool blazer in dusty burgundy in my size and great condition for 15 dollars. What have you found found thrifting?

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