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Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
SomeoneOutThere
Lately I’ve been dreading starting work each morning. How can I get past this to buckle down and do what needs to be done?
Anonymous
“dreading starting work” is a symptom of something. It’s hard to suggest solutions when we don’t know what’s going on. WHY are you dreading work?
SomeoneOutThere
I started a job that is a perfectly fine job, I just don’t really love it and it’s a little bit of a stretch skill wise but nothing over the top. It’s a great opportunity that I can succeed in with some but not a crazy amount of effort, it’s not a toxic environment, the pay is good, but I just don’t feel like doing it or working anymore and I’m tired of being responsible and in charge of things. I wish I could take a year off but I’m not independently wealthy. I probably won’t start looking for new jobs for another year for practical reasons.
Anonymous
I feel the exact same way and I wish I had some advice. I just don’t want to be here anymore and I’m tired.
Anonymous
That sounds like burnout or depression. How’s the rest of your life going, apart from work?
SomeoneOutThere
A little stressful, but nothing catastrophic. You’re probably right, but what do you do? I don’t see medication helping in this kind of situation.
Ellen
You need an outlet, OUTSIDE OF WORK. This could be a hobby, like cooking or running, or a boyfriend. I have taken up walking, b/c I do not like to cook, and am NOT successful in finding a boyfriend as yet. Once you have an outlet, you should be good to go at work! YAY!!
Anonymous
It’s absolutely common for someone who is perhaps burnt out /depressed to feel like nothing is really going to help the situation. I’d absolutely talk to a doctor/therapist about next steps, including medication.
A few years ago, I was highly functioning and felt like I was only somewhat depressed. But a friend suggested I get help, and I was AMAZED at how medication suddenly made things seem possible again.
lsw
Can you talk a little bit about this process?
How to plan for as yet nonexistent +1s
Wedding question: At what point in a relationship are we expected to extend an additional slot for a new girlfriend/boyfriend, if save the dates or invitations have gone out before the relationship began?
We’ve created our guest list and are about to send our save the dates for our wedding that is 8 months away. We are not giving plus one’s except for people who won’t have a group of friends at the wedding. We just realized that 30% of our guest list is currently single, and if they all (or even a notable subset of them) started dating people between now and the time we send invitations/the wedding date and we had to add their new partners this would push us beyond our venue capacity, budget, and desired wedding size. Trying to figure out if we should go through the excruciating task of scaling back our guest list (it’s already a fairly small wedding) for people we don’t know for a fact will exist in a few months. Thanks for any experience or thoughts!
Wanderlust
Our rule of thumb was “living together or engaged” or else not invited.
Anonymous
That’s so rude. You’re a terrible host.
Anonymous
This is a troll.
Flats Only
I think that’s a good metric. You may have one or two current singletons who progress to that stage by the time the wedding rolls around, and you can squeeze in those few extra +1s, but I can’t imagine all 30 will manage to pair off and shack up in that time, busting your space and budget constraints.
Anonymous
Is it really? So you’re cool excluding my boyfriend of six months? You think I want to attend your wedding alone? Are you Beyoncé?
Vicky Austin
Wow. Whose wedding is it anyway?
Anonymous
Wow. Guess you don’t like the people you’re inviting to celebrate you much.
Anonymous
It sounds like the Op is inviting currently single people who obviously would want to attend her wedding alone.
C2
You’re out of line, and I think you’re the anonymous who is replying to all the comments telling people they’re rude. Sorry, if you’re not my best friend, a barely significant other of a few months may not make the cut. Couples getting married have budgets and head counts to meet. Their wedding is about them, not you. If you can’t handle that, RSVP no.
Anonymous
You are attending the wedding to catch up with your old friends and to celebrate the bride and groom, not to hang out with your new boyfriend.
Anon
Who do you think YOU are, dictating people’s guest lists to them? You’re actually not the boss of other people’s weddings and you aren’t so special that a couple needs to rearrange their entire plan to accommodate you.
For what it’s worth, I want a small-ish wedding and have been straight-up told that I am being rude for not inviting my fiance’s entire department (plus family) and Sunday School class – 150 plus people, just his side. All of the “you’re rude if you don’t invite X” additions invariably blow the guest list up to 200.
Anonymous
Wow — my husband would prefer not to go to college-friend weddings. He doesn’t really know my friend well; we know each other very well. I don’t know any guys who feel burned at being left out. It always seems that the women see it as relationship judging by the smug marrieds.
Just leave it at “I hadn’t met Tanya when the invites went out, but I look forward to having you two over for dinner soon.”
Anon
Lol and you’re the exact type of guest that people make rules about this for. Weddings have budgets and couples book their spaces that have venue sizing limits nine months to a year out. If you think you can’t attend a wedding of a friend without your bf of mths, that is perfectly fine, but don’t get in a tizzy because your oh so special short relationship isn’t specifically catered to when the bride and groom have to make arrangements several months out based on the information they then know. Just decline and don’t say anything to the bride and groom.
MagicUnicorn
I’m not Beyonce but last I checked neither were you and guess what? Removing you from my guest list freed up an extra seat for a NICE friend whose recent +1 is someone I actually want to meet!
Anonymous
I think this is a troll everyone is responding to, and I think we need to start calling out the trolls so they don’t bother us.
Anonymous
Definitely only invite people they live with or are engaged to or have been dating for a a very long time. You may think your boyfriend of 3 months is all that…but he will be gone in a couple months and I don’t need him at my wedding.
Anonymous
This is a troll.
keep yourself sane
you’ll get some anon/troll flack for this – but it was my metric as well.
nope, I don’t care about your BF of 6 months.
living together, engaged, or together for at least a year – then yes your +1 made it onto the invite.
weddings = hurting a lot of feelings no matter what you do.
Anonymous
Omg. Enough. We are all “anon.” People are not “tro11s” because they disagree with you on things.
Anon
Seriously.
keep yourself sane
Welp, when you write snooty things without justification, or explanation, you’re not adding to the conversation. I like to think of trolls as people who start quarrels to distract and sow discord by posting inflammatory and digressive, extraneous, or off-topic messages with the intent to provoke.
“That’s so rude. You’re a terrible host.”
“Wow. Guess you don’t like the people you’re inviting to celebrate you much.”
“Is it really? So you’re cool excluding my boyfriend of six months? You think I want to attend your wedding alone? Are you Beyoncé?”
“You’re wrong and out of date and rude. Welcome baskets aren’t required. Being a decent person is.”
gee, look at all these deeply thought out comments that don’t add anything to our perfectly civil discourse…. hmm.
Anonymous
+1000 thank you!
Horse Crazy
No, but you’re a troll because you come to this board just to be snarky and rude in every comment you make.
Leah
I think there’s room for flexibility within that general metric. For example, I found it hurtful when my boyfriend of four years was excluded because we didn’t meet the “living together or married” criteria.
That said, for my wedding (yes, to that same boyfriend) we ordered about 5 back-up entrees to deal with last minute guest changes just like this, and kept close track of returned invitations that did not use their +1 in order to keep the head count accurate.
Anonymous
If people have significant others when invitations go out (and you’re being normal and sending invites 8-12 weeks in advance) their SOs must be invited. So yes, do the work of culling now and you’re setting yourself up for headaches and rudeness later.
IHHtown
It is perfectly acceptable to send out plus ones to only married or engaged friends, or even extend it to long term significant others (think multiple years might as well be engaged or married types of relationships). If it makes you feel better put a hard stop at 1+ year of dating. It’s your wedding and nothing obligates you to invite someone who is currently a stranger to you AND your friend at the risk of culling your guest list of people that you truly want present. If someone has a serious relationship, they’ll notify you when the receive the save the date addressed only to them.
This is why I didn’t send out save the dates until 5-6 mths out. A six month relationship is very rarely in a “serious” stage and no one can some down on you for presuming that it isn’t a serious relationship when planning your guest list.
Anonymous
No. It isn’t. It’s rude.
Anon
No, it’s not rude.
Anonymous
No, it’s rude and weird to expect to bring along your boyfriend whom the bride and groom have never even met.
anon
To be fair, isn’t part of the purpose of allowing someone to bring a plus one so that *they* have someone to attend the wedding with? From that perspective, it doesn’t matter if the bride and groom know them. I’ve been to *tons* of weddings where SOs whom the bride and groom didn’t know well were “brought along.” It’s not weird at all. It’s called “having a date to a wedding,” not like you begged to bring your weird cousin who’s in from out of town to a special event. Also, you can be engaged to a person the bride and groom have never met….
Understanding of course that there are budget and size constraints, you also want to make your guests feel comfortable to the extent possible… even if you don’t know their SO. I believe OP is being very considerate when she says that she’s taking into account who has a group of friends going to the wedding. I think that makes a big difference here. The reality is that it can be uncomfortable and not fun going to a wedding alone. I’ve turned down a several invites for this reason.
Anon
Lol you must be the same anon asking someone if they’re Beyoncé if they can’t fit into your 6 month mark relationship. I’m guessing you just don’t understand how far ahead wedding budgets and venues are booked. Or you’re a snowflake. Either way, wedding is better without you.
Anon
1. Spouses and fiance(e)s are always invited.
2. Almost always, wedding party get plus-ones.
3. From then on, make any consistent rule you choose, including “no ring, no bring.”
One of the biggest problems with wedding planning is that “nice to do” things suddenly become mandatory etiquette. No, you do not need to extend plus-ones to all your guests, make welcome baskets, or do a morning-after brunch. You need to host some sort of reception for those who attend and to make a guest list that is not deliberately offensive.
Anon
We invited people’s SOs if they had been dating 6 months or more at the time of the Save the Dates. A few people starting dating people in the interim. One of my friends asked us if she could bring her SO because she wanted him to meet everyone. I could tell they had gotten very serious very quickly, so I said yes. They are now married. Another friend, who lived in the city where the wedding was, had started dating a guy. She did not ask to invite him, but I invited him anyway. Turns out they were on the verge of breaking up at the time of our wedding, and she really would have rather him not been invited. So, my advice is to set some sort of arbitrary rule. If people really have an issue with it, they will probably let you know. Most people are really fine with not bringing their SO of a few months to a wedding, especially if they know other people there that they are trying to catch up with, etc.
Anonymous
You’re wrong and out of date and rude. Welcome baskets aren’t required. Being a decent person is.
Anon also
I completely disagree with anon at 10.28am. The bride and groom are entitled to invite, or not invite, whomever they choose. If they choose not to invite a new boyfriend, that is up to them!
Anon
You are one nasty piece of work. Forgive me for not taking advice on being a decent person from you.
Torin
+1 you don’t owe anyone a plus one, but you should be consistent in how you choose to extend them.
Anonymous
Anyone who’s living with their SO is a mandatory invite. No ring no bring is offensive and absurd. Like really, my cousin who married a guy she met on vacation after 2 months gets to bring her SO but my college friend who’s been living with her BF for 10 years doesn’t? No ring no bring is really just an excuse to pass judgment on other people’s feelings about marriage/being married. Telling someone that their relationship isn’t valid enough for you is the height of rudeness.
It’s really not hard. No you don’t have to invite anonymous +1s to your wedding. Yes you do have to be respectful of other people’s relationship choices when you’re asking them to celebrate yours. To OP – no you don’t have to invite people who don’t even exist yet. Yes, you have to understand that life happens and some of those people might have someone new in their life in 8 months – so don’t live so close to your max capacity that you can’t pull up another chair or 3 if needed.
Anon
No, spouses and fiance(e)s are mandatory invites. That is because you don’t invite people to celebrate your own marriage while denigrating their marriage.
My marriage is not a “relationship choice.” It’s a marriage, which is a far different thing than living together.
Vicky Austin
I was under the impression that if an invitation was addressed to Jenny and Joe, Jenny would know it was cool to bring Joe, and if the invitation was addressed to Jenny, she would know it was not cool to bring Joe. That did not end up being the case. At least one friend self-invited her SO, and we addressed one invitation to my fiance’s much older cousin and his wife only (there was no “and family”), who ended up bringing their our-age daughter, her fiance, and their baby son. yikes. But various cancellations/”no” RSVPs from other people who WERE invited rendered this all okay in terms of numbers. TLDR: I wouldn’t worry about this at the Save the Date juncture. Revisit it at invitation time when you’ll have a better idea of who’s actually in the position to bring somebody. A lot can change in 8ish months.
anonymous
This exactly. Give yourself a smidge of breathing room but remember that there will be people who RSVP no (they say 10-20% depending on size) and if a couple of your friends have a serious relationship in the next 8 months you can open up some room for them.
Generally speaking, some good rules of thumb are to give a +1 to:
– relationships that, knowing your friend, are serious enough or that both you and your fiance know
– wedding party
– people who are traveling a long way and/or who may not really know anyone else at your wedding
Some friends of ours we asked point-blank as we approached invitations if they wanted a +1 and they told us they appreciated being asked – only one then wanted one and we were happy to allow it. And then others, we didn’t feel it was appropriate to ask (like my husband’s boss), so we gave her a +1 and let her decide for herself.
I am not a fan of hard-and-fast rules because it puts your guests (remember that they are Guests!) in an awkward position to have to ask and can be unfairly applied. For us, my now-husband and I had been dating for 8 months by the time my friend’s wedding was scheduled. I was in the bridal party but did not get a +1. The wedding required a few hours’ travel and the next day was my now-husband’s 30th birthday, so he was going to be traveling with me to the wedding anyway so that we could celebrate his birthday the next day. We were living together by the time the formal invitations came out, too. The problem is my friend was so wrapped up in wedding activities though that we hadn’t had time to catch up for me to explain to her that things were serious with him so I just had to ask her point blank and it was really uncomfortable. She said something about the guest list being closed for months but that she would try to move things around and it was really awkward. He ended up being invited. But this is why we ended up just asking our friends when it was closer to our wedding; you’re not going to be 100% up-to-date on everyone’s relationship status, so why not treat them like adults and let them decide?
Anonymous
Completely agree!
ezonestaffing llc
thank q for sharing a wonderfull blog grate content
C2
I don’t see there being a hard and fast rule here. Living together, engaged, or long-term, I would list both parties names on the Save the Date. For the singles – just invite them for now. I would consider extending a +1 to singles traveling a long distance who may want a travel companion, and who may want to plan more than 8-12 weeks out for this. If, by chance, one or two of these people start dating someone right now and it sticks – you’ll have a much clearer idea when you send the invites later on. I would not invite SOs of less than 4 months when you send your invites.
As an oft-single guest – I never ask a date to commit to an event that’s further out than the length of time I’ve been dating them. So, if I’ve been dating them for 3 months, I might ask them to a wedding 3 months out, but not to commit to your wedding next June. If anyone gets upset about the +1 situation, you can make a case-by-case judgement call, or just tell them you’re limited by fire code.
Anonymous
Why do you need to say anything about +1s on the save the dates? Address the save the date to the friend who is being invited, or to the friend + SO if they are living at the same address. Then address the actual invitation to the couple, if the +1 is invited.
How to plan for as yet nonexistent +1s
For the record, we are including all significant others that currently exist (and will be naming them on the invitation). Appreciate the responses on this!
VioletteJ
My husband and I got married in my hometown, which happened to be across the country from where we and most of our friends lived at that point. Because it was a significant travel commitment for guests (and because we were in a fortunate place financially and with a large venue), we gave everyone a +1. The way we structured it, anyone in a serious relationship was named on both the Save the Dates and the wedding invitations. For friends and family who weren’t in a serious relationship at the time of the save the dates, we addressed the save the date to just them, and then included “and Guest” on the wedding invitation.
Honestly, there were very few people who ended up even bringing an “and Guest” – most of our single friends just said they preferred using weddings as an opportunity to meet people rather than bringing someone they’d been casually seeing for a month. Depending on the age group and general marital status of guests, this may vary though.
JHC
We gave everyone we invited a plus one because we wanted to make sure our guests had the option if they felt uncomfortable coming alone. Some brought a date; some came alone. Everyone said they appreciated having the option. For purposes of our budget, we just assumed everyone would bring the plus one and then, as RSVPs came back, it was kind of nice to have some wiggle room.
Aggie
I was married after my first year of law school and could not keep up with the comings and goings of everyone’s SO. I too addressed everyone with unknown relationship status as “and Guest.” I think only ten percent actually RSVP’d with a guest and the rest attended alone.
My wedding planner I said I was one of five brides whose wedding came in 20% under budget. I was happy that our venue was not packed like sardines
Anon
You don’t have to invite my boyfriend of 6 months, but I probably also won’t choose to go to your wedding alone, unless we’ve got a lot of mutual friends. And I especially wouldn’t go to a wedding alone if it required travel.
Anonymous
To each their own. I have gone to plenty of weddings where I haven’t known many/any other people and I have always been able to make new friends. My getting-married friends put me at tables with people they think I would get along with. I travel alone generally, even if I am partnered up in my personal life so this is NBD to me. I get that people have budgets and I would never expect a friend of mine to invite my SO of a few months especially if the wedding couple had never met my SO.
anon
Lucky for you. I think it’s pretty common to feel awkward at a wedding where you don’t know many/any other people. This whole idea that the couple should never be expected to invite a person they’ve never met is a bit weird to me… you’re dropping thousands and thousands of dollars to make your wedding into a particular type of experience, and theoretically, part of the reason you’re spending that money is to make it an enjoyable experience for the individuals who are spending time and money to celebrate with you. Not saying that anyone needs to blow a budget for plus 1s but it seems very weird to me that all the sudden wedding guests’ comfort/happiness is now no longer a valid thing to spend money on. I’d much rather get a plus 1 than stare at your pinterest-perfect bedazzled burlap table cloths alone.
Anonymous
Which is why I said to each their own and that I, as in MEc didn’t expect an invite for a short term partner the wedding couple hadn’t met. I had a friend who did give me a +1 recently. I thank her separately because I certainly did not expect her to. My partner couldn’t go, but I care about my friend so I went and had a great time.
Is it nice? Sure. Is it required for singles or newly partnered guests? IMO no. But J also plan yo have a tiny tiny wedding, if one at all so LIKE I SAID, to each their own.
It has always been clear here that yo never get a consensus on this type of thing, so the OP should so what she thinks is best and what works for her budget.
anon
Geeze, I wasn’t fighting with you. No need to be testy.
Anonymous
YES, this. I think it’s rude to expect me to attend a formal event alone, but ofc I’d never say that to anyone who invited me. I can just RSVP no, send a gift and card with my sincere congratulations, and be happy that I don’t have to spend more money on travel/hotel/attire.
Sydney Bristow
We gave all single people a plus one for our small wedding. But if I remember correctly, we sent save the dates addressed to the person and then added the name or “and guest” to their actual invitation to take into account anyone who was in a new relationship that we knew about.
Worry about yourself
It’s totally up to you whether you want to extend a +1 to someone in case they’d like to bring a date (friend, person they’re casually seeing, whoever), or whether you only allow people in long-term relationships to bring their significant others. My friend got married last year and only invited significant others she’d met, gave the wedding party plus ones, and made an exception to let me bring my boyfriend even though she hadn’t met him, just because she’d known me a long time and trusted me. I’ve also been invited without my boyfriend, even though we’d been together for two years by then, and it was a huge bummer but I totally understood, it probably had to do with keeping the guest list small.
For the save-the-date, it’s totally fine to not specify whether someone is getting a plus one, but I have heard of people getting a save-the-date saying “we’ve reserved one seat for you” and then later be told they can bring their new significant other when the invitation went out.
LAJen
As a single person who has attended so many weddings alone, I highly recommend this article, which makes the case for the position that NO ONE should get a plus one (such that significant others will be invited, by name, where the bride and groom actually know them–and that even spouses or live-in significant others will NOT be invited unless they know the bride and groom already): https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/qvmp7x/no-one-should-get-plus-ones-to-weddings.
The argument is that it’s not fair to make single people be the sole bearers of the burden of attending weddings alone if a coupled person’s SO is not also friends of the bride and groom–because weddings are not about being with your SO but about celebrating the bride and groom. And because everyone, coupled or not, has the ability to socialize with people they don’t know at a wedding. Single people shouldn’t be the only people forced to use that ability. I really appreciate the perspective, even if I recognize that it hasn’t been and won’t be the prevailing norm, maybe ever.
Anonymous
Yeah, no, spouses get invited. I also do t understand who all these people are who don’t know peoples SOs -⎌I cannot think of one friend whonattended my wedding who’s SO I hadn’t met and actually knew quite well.
Anon
Bay Area people, are any of your companies encouraging working from home during this period of horrible air quality? My company is not work from home friendly and hasn’t so much as sent an email around mentioning the air quality. Wonder if this is the norm and my resentment is overreacting. All the companies I used to work at seemed more proactive during bad weather events. FWIW, I’m in an industry that is 100% conducive to working from home.
Anonymous
I think you’re being a bit of a princess.
Leah
If royalty = preferring not to develop lung disease, then I have drastically confused many things about the English monarchy.
Anonymous
My govt organization is encouraging it and is sending updates daily. Smoke levels have been between unhealthy and hazardous levels for 3 days now, so it’s hard to escape it. A homeless shelter opened to give people a place with less unhealthy air, which normally only opens when it gets too cold. All of this is to say that I don’t think you are a princess…
Isabela the She Wolf
Not in the bay area, but we were affected by smoke last summer; for several weeks last summer we were rated “Very Unhealthy” to “Hazardous”.
My organization did take it seriously, sent us genuinely informative and accurate PSAs, and curtailed outdoor work wherever possible. But no, they did not change anything for those of us doing office work, although they are typically very generous with admin days for heat or cold. But OTOH, there was no pushback when almost everyone had to take a sick day at some point.
It’s worth bearing in mind that industrial office buildings are probably required to have better air filters than residences are. I don’t know the details of how your situation compares, but I live in a 100 yr old SFH, and work in a 5 yr old large office building, with only a 10 min drive between. What made me sick wasn’t work, it was actually a holiday weekend at home.
Parfait
I’m in Los Angeles and our air quality has been terrible due to the Woolsey fire. I was STOKED to go to work today and be inside a sealed office building with industrial strength air filters.
Torin
I disagree with the shoe choice for these. That looks bizarre.
SomeoneOutThere
They kind of remind me of Sketchers circa 2000, which I may or may not have worn with plaid pants like this.
Parfait
I concur. I also disagree with the neon shirt choice. The pants are not attending the same event as the rest of this outfit.
Big Mouth
I’m looking for any recommendations for restaurants, foods to try, and general activities in Phoenix. I will be staying in Scottsdale. I will have a car. I am a foodie, from Canada and have never been to the US. Thanks in advance!
Ms B
I like Richardson’s Cuisine of New Mexico, not far from the airport, especially for brunch. I also am a fan of Lolo’s Chicken and Waffles. Neither one is fancy, both are good!
Anonymous
Frank Lloyd Wright’s Taliesin West home and architecture school are available for tours. I’d also recommend the botanical garden and hiking.
Horse Crazy
Barrio Cafe in Phoenix. Best Mexican food ever.
Gail the Goldfish
Is it just me or did anyone else think these pants were pajama pants at first glance?
IHHtown
Definitely. Especially paired with the neon top. If styled right, these pants would look super chic (thinking black turtleneck, slim black belt, trouser socks, and black leather matte booties with a cute buckle detail on the side. Styled wrong, like here, it’s like pajama pants meets 80’s cut and 90’s pattern. Just so wrong all over the place.
Sydney Bristow
Yup, I totally did. And the styling is so weird. These pants really aren’t doing it for me.
Very anon
Gardening without an, er, glove…I’ve only ever done this with men who I’m in a monogamous relationship with, even though I’m also on BC. But I’m dating casually now and had a guy start to go there during our first gardening, which surprised me. Do people do this now? He did not at all seem like a sketchy guy and in fact we’d been on several dates with no gardening, so it didn’t seem like he was just after that. I am an old and shut it down in the moment, which he took well.
I know people can/should follow their own morals/comfort in this stuff, and I do, but am I out of sync with what’s normal today? We didn’t talk about STDs, and what if I was lying about being on BC?
Also, how would you address this afterward? I really like(d) him and of everyone I’m seeing he seems most like boyfriend material…but this seems like sketchy risky behavior. Would you ask him to explain why he did it? Just stop seeing him? Go along with it because it’s what people do nowadays and I’m overreacting?
Anonymous
I think you’re making an individual situation into a Big Society Thing and it’s abad call. Some guys don’t like condoms. This isn’t new. I insist on always using them. He agreed when you said it right? So I’d be fine with it.
Torin
+1
Anon
+1
Anon
In no way does this make you an old. I’m on the younger end of millenials and I think safe gardening is even more drilled into us than previous generations. I’ve never met anyone who would respond to “with a casual dating guy we gardened without a glove first time” with anything other than an screwed up nose, and “ew”, and a “girl, please go get tested”. Gloves are absolutely the default and gardening without one is only for monogamous relationships with a partner that you ABSOLUTELY trust not to sleep around. Honestly, most people I know didn’t get to that step until after living together.
He may seem like a nice guy but if he’d try that with you, I guarantee he’s tried it with other women who “seemed clean” (not a thing, but lots of people think if you look healthy and are of a certain economic bracket, you’re disease free – this is not true). If you like him, you need to let him know that 1) he needs to get tested (frame it as, we will both get tested), and 2) you are using a glove until serious and monogamous.
There are too many stories of women who were only with 1 or 2 guys who “seemed clean and healthy” only to catch HIV from a man with no symptoms. Don’t get a life long automimmune disease and a judgment that you gardened around for just “going with the flow”.
emeralds
From a 30 year old with wildly misspent 20s including many interludes where dudes thought they did not need to glove up, HELL NO.
I am SO F*CKING OVER men needing to be reminded by a woman to think about risk management around s*x. I would 100% ask him about it and DTMFA if his response was not satisfactory. And honestly I’m not sure what response would meet my “satisfactory” bar.
And you should never, ever, EVER go along with unprotected s*x because you think you’re overreacting. You aren’t overreacting. Your reaction tells you that you have a well-calibrated sense of what is sketchy, risky behavior.
Anonymous
Absolutely agree. Your second paragraph is reminding me of that epic twitter thread that talked about men prioritizing their pleasure above all else and “irresponsible ejaculation.” Worth a read for anybody who hasn’t.
anonshmanon
I thought of the same! that was a powerful thread! https://twitter.com/designmom/status/1040363954285948928?lang=en
Anonymous
I just re-read that twitter thread. pure gold.
Anon
We need to put the kibosh on something right now: that you’re obligated to do something in bed because it’s “what people are doing these days.”
I don’t know the solution to this particular issue, but you should probably talk to him about that. Not to sound like a scold, but if you’re gardening with someone, you should be comfortable having these types of talks.
Anon
Nope, nope, nope. I don’t know where some guys have gotten this idea. I have stopped things to say it as plainly as possible: no glove, no gardening. I have an IUD but the other risks are far too great to go without when things are casual.
Anonymous
I’m pretty sure I’ve never been with a guy who defaulted to glove use. Actually maybe one, my current buck fuddy who is in the “lifestyle”. So I guess if you want a guy who’s more educated in this respect then that’s a good target market? But I’m pretty sure other than him I’ve never had a guy offer to use one. I thought I was doing pretty well to kick a guy out if he whines about using one. I would love to demand that my partners be the first to offer but I don’t think I’d ever date anyone if that was my metric.
Anonymous
One more thing. It’s your body and you get to make the decision. In my case, that means my committed partner of almost 8 years uses gloves, b/c I don’t wanna deal with the daily hormone dose. He is happy to do so, end of story. Same is true for my best friend and her hubby. There are decent men who just deal with it. You get to make that decision for your body, don’t let anyone make you doubt that!
FWIW, you say he reacted positively, so maybe his initial attempt was nothing more than thoughtless. If he is otherwise what you are looking for, I cross my fingers for you!
anon
I am a 31 year old woman who dates men….People really are doing this a lot more than they used to. It’s obnoxious and makes my skin crawl. THAT SAID, that is NOT a reason to go along with it. You are not overreacting. You should ALWAYS protect your health. I’ve seen guys push for it a lot more than they used to and I talk to girlfriends who have experienced the same thing. I also have girlfriends who have become more lax about requiring gloves as well, when “he’s not sketchy” and “we’ve been tested ‘recently'” and “I have an IUD.” Okay, well you’re still not in a monogamous relationship and you’ve both still slept with new people in between your last test, so…..
If he’s tried this with you, he’s probably tried it with other women. And some have probably let him. With him and every other guy, you need to have a candid talk about expectations in that regard and get tested.
Anonymous
+100
Anonymous
Im seeing the same thing.
During my 20’s, it was never even a question, every guy reached for a condom. In my 30’s, I’m shocked at how much it is not a given.
Maybe because a lot of the guys I’ve slept with recently have been in their 20’s (don’t ask, I’m not sure why) and maybe grew up with different education around STDs, etc. Maybe because my 20’s were in SF, 30’s in LA.
Photography
Does anyone here do photography as a hobby? I enjoyed photography when I was in high school and I think I might enjoy getting back into it. I’m going to treat myself to a DSLR camera for Christmas. Can anyone suggest books or blogs to learn more about using a DSLR, composing pictures, editing pictures, etc? Any other tips? Thanks in advance!
Anon
I don’t know a ton about the different models, but have used a DSLR and mirrorless, I highly recommend a mirrorless camera for ease of composition and quality of photo. Something like a Fujifilm XE-1 and a couple lenses, like a 50mm and a 35mm. There’s a website called KEH that my photographer friend recommends for buying used.
BabyAssociate
+1 to mirrorless. KEH and Adorama are great places to buy used. Take a look at the Wirecutter reviews for some model recommendations.
Anonymous
I have a very fancy SLR and several very fancy lenses, and wish I had gone the mirrorless route. I love my set for days when my plan is “take the kids somewhere to get portraits of them” or to do engagement shoots for friends. But I never bring it along on normal outings and don’t even love bringing it while traveling. It’s so heavy and bulky and I worry makes me a target for theft.
Gail the Goldfish
I have a mirrorless Sony alpha and love it. They also now make full-frame mirrorless cameras (they are pretty expensive, though. Mine has an aps-c sensor and is considerably cheaper). I buy used lenses from KEH. B&H and Adorama also sell used.
Gail the Goldfish
Oh, and on the book question, I haven’t read it, but I met a photographer on a flight recently who recommended Understanding Exposure that is recommended below. Also, my parks & rec department offers photography classes, and depending on your interests, our local REI occasionally has landscape and wildlife photography classes.
Meara
I’ve got a Sony alpha as well, and love it. I have several lenses for different things/situations and it’s great!
Leah
Understanding Exposure by Bryan Peterson was my absolute bible in taking up DSLR photography. Can’t rave enough about that book.
I buy most of my glass from B&H, and have never had trouble with their shipping/returns/products.
Sydney Bristow
I really like video training on CreativeLive. They have an entire channel for photography classes. They air one class a day and it is free to watch while it is airing or you can buy it to watch later. I’ve been working my way through Fundamentals of Photography by John Greengo. It covers EVERYTHING.
When Opportunity Knocks
I just switched jobs to take a lower stress job with better hours…
And then today, I was called by an old colleague to join them in taking a job that would be insane, but would absolutely 100% be what my passion is. It would likely be a huge pay increase and would let me go anywhere I want after this job…
But do I want to go back into that grind?
My BFF tells me that I should go and interview and not make a decision before I see what is offered. She’s right… I know she’s right. Somebody else tell me she’s right?
Anon
All the things you hated about the high stress and crazy hours of the previous job will not magically go away with doing a job that is a “passion”. It’ll only taint that passion and make you hate it. If you think you can do that grind for two to three years to come out on the other end with great opportunities, make that decision with open eyes about what your life will be like for that period of time, but don’t put on rose colored glasses about what sucked previously being different this time.
OP
Good Advice!
And… I loved the job but hated the hours and the low grade stress.
Belle Boyd
She’s right. An interview is not a commitment. And this job may be different stresswise — the company culture may be different and things may have changed within the job itself to make it less stressful.
If it is 100% what your passion is, you owe it to yourself to at least go on the interview and see what it is about. You can make your decision afterwards. You only regret the chances you don’t take.
Go. And good luck. Come back and tell us how it went. This could be your dream job, and we all know that dream jobs don’t come around every single day.
She’s right. Interview for it.
OP
Le sigh.
It would be a different type of stress… I would be one of the big bosses… Which is amazing and terrible and I can’t decide which.
Anonymous
Then definitely do it. It is so much easier to be the big boss than a minion. I’ve been shocked by this. You control what the stress looks like for yourself and your team.
Anonymous
I agree, interview for it. But …why would you take a job that you already know is insane? You already quit once, why would you take on an even higher level of crazy hours and stress than your previous job?
Use the interview to look the facts straight in the face, to find out what has changed and what hasn’t changed.
OP
It’s not quite the same job or the same employer.
It’s like I used to be a Program Director at Fabulous Teapots, Inc. and now somebody from the American Foundation for Teapots has asked me to be the National Director of Teapots.
Original Moonstone
The Ask-A-Manager Fan Club approves of this example.
Do it!
In case you’re still checking replies, I did something similar last year. After a few years in big law, I went in house at an organization in an area of passion, where the hours were much better but the culture was worse. Last year, I moved to another organization in the same area of passion, but in a position of leadership with a desirable title. I made the move knowing it was going to be a huge step up responsibility and work-wise for essentially the same amount of money. At the time, I felt like – I hate that I have this opportunity because I don’t want to do it, but it’s too good for my career to pass up. And at the time, my other pathway from my then-current job would have been better hours / more pay, but I went the other directly. I think importantly, I went in with eyes wide open and knew why I was making the choice I did.
YMMV, but for me, this has ended up being a great move. It’s hard. I work all the time. It will not always be sustainable. But I have a level of responsibility and leadership that also bring autonomy in a way that has been very positive. As someone said, passion doesn’t go far to mitigate fatigue and stress and desire to have more balance, but for me, the real driver is that I’ve been able to grow and that I know this is opening up doors for me longer term. But at another time or with other drivers, the other decision would have been the right one – there wasn’t a right or wrong answer.
Either way, I would 100% take the interview – you’ll always kick yourself if you don’t explore this, and if you decide not to make the move, at least you’ll have fully explored it. I always ask myself in these situations: which decision will give me more regret about not trying the other one? E.g., if you stay at your job, will you always regret not trying this out, versus the regret that might come with trying it and leaving quickly because it’s not a good fit? Only you can answer that, and either answer is acceptable! Good luck!
Anonymous
Oh my god. We live on the top floor of a condo building and our condo association keeps sending roofers up to check out some potential issues, without giving us a heads up. The pounding and noise is disruptive- I wouldn’t have worked from home today if I’d have known this was happening. And, we have a lot of skylights. Over the bathroom. So now I can’t pee or shower without company. Argh.
Anon
Ugh, that is super annoying.
Gift Card Help
I have a $140 gift card for Neiman Marcus. I also have a mother and/or father in need of a Christmas gift. I don’t shop there much and much of the site seems terrifyingly expensive. Any advice?
Both parents are in their early 60s with no particular needs. My mom loves gardens, interior design, and would also likely enjoy something lux and warm (a la cashmere) given then cold winters where they are. My dad travels regularly for work, is an active runner/cyclist, who likes boats. Thanks!
lsw
Is it good at Last Call? Maybe you could look there for cashmere gloves or socks for your mom.
givemyregards
Also their house line of cashmere usually goes on sale after Thanksgiving (looks like a lot of it is on sale already) – I love their sweaters, but as lsw mentions, I’m sure they have great socks or gloves or something. Have fewer suggestions for your dad, but if he exercises a lot might he like some nice sweatpants or something to wear to from/the gym or while lounging in his hotel room while traveling? They have a few options, none of which are super cheap, which would probably round out your gift card plus some.
OP
Thanks for the ideas!!!
Anonymous
Talk to me about finding pet sitters online. My mom, who is 73 and retired, has just moved to Florida, and I thought cat sitting (cats only, no dogs) would be a great way for her to get a little extra spending money here and there. She loves cats and doesn’t have her own at the moment (her senior kitties passed away in the last year), she (unbelievably) doesn’t mind cleaning litter boxes, and she has plenty of time for cuddling lonesome kitties.
What online platforms have you used to find pet sitters? What are you looking for in a pet sitter? Thanks for any insights!
Anon
Care.com and Rover.com are great sites to advertise and hire out petsitting services.
Good luck to your mom
Nextdoor.com is an all-purpose site for seeking / advertising in your neighborhood. Your mom could look for postings from near-in neighbors looking for someone to love on their cats. The upcoming holidays will be high demand times.
As a dog owner we’ve found boarders through Rover.com and have had no bad experiences among 5 sitters in 3+ years.
The neighborhood vet may also be willing let your mom post an advert on a board in the waiting room.
Pass on our wishes for your mom’s good luck with this venture.
Judgy
I am about to put in for a local judge position. My jurisdiction traditionally interviews everyone who puts in a completed application, so I need to get an interview outfit together.
I have a decent suit (although I am on the hunt for a “fresh” interview outfit), but I definitely need some new interview shoes because all of my black pumps are either suede, patent, or just older.
Thoughts on the M. Gemi Rivista for an interview shoe? Classic, or too stylized? If not, other suggestions? I prefer to keep the heel height at three inches or less (parking is a couple blocks from the interview site).
Clementine
Classic with a little interest. I don’t think those would nix your chances.
My go-to black pumps are Michael Kors Flex Mid-Heel pumps. Totally decent, almost boring black heels.
pugsnbourbon
Those are beautiful shoes!
Never too many shoes...
Love those. They are a perfect interview (and more) shoe.
Anon
We recently moved into a condo in a 12 year old building. The unit appeared to be well-maintained and was definitely portrayed as turn-key. We did an inspection and the conclusion was that the unit was in great condition.
Only petty things were caught–a drain stop that didn’t work and no caulking around a tub faucet, etc. I thought the inspection was thorough at the time, but this was my first home buying experience so I had no metric of comparison.
We moved in a week ago and are dealing with two different leaks and three appliances/fixtures breaking. One of the leaks is rather serious and quite odd–sometime between the previous owners moving out and before we moved in, our pipes leaked into the unit below and saturated their ceiling and walls. We’re stumped by how this could’ve happened when no one was running water, but we understand its our responsibility and are covering the cost of the unit below’s repairs. The other leak is below the sink and hasn’t ruined the floor, but it has probably ruined the vanity material–it’s soggy and warped. The other issues are the water dispenser on the fridge no longer working, the washing machine not working, and the sink faucet/disposal not working properly.
I understand that things come up, but does anyone have perspective on whether this many issues is normal? All of the things listed above are serious enough that you would 100% notice living in the unit (there’s a list a mile long of smaller things that I wouldn’t expect to be notified about–cracks in window seals, floor board gaps, etc). I don’t understand how these ALL popped up in the past two weeks or how they didn’t come up on the disclosures/inspection report.
Anonymous
The problems seem par for the course given the age of the building, but the fact that they were not caught on inspection is troubling.
Anonymous
I think it sounds pretty normal. In my experience, needed repairs come in waves–we’ll go 10-12 months without needing to spend any money, then it seems like everything breaks at once.
It’s not clear what the cause of the leaks is, but a regular inspection would not necessarily catch plumbing problems. A separate plumbing inspection is needed to catch issues with the pipes themselves.
Your inspection may not have covered appliances like the washing machine, garbage disposal, or refrigerator (especially the water dispenser). I just bought a house, and our inspector checked the AC units, heaters, and water heaters, and stove top burners. They did not test the refrigerator, dishwasher, oven, or built-in microwave, and the house didn’t come with a washer/dryer or garbage disposal.
Anonymous
I don’t know that housing inspections really cover the appliances, so that doesn’t surprise me. The leak into the unit below would be hard to catch from looking at *your* unit. Is it possible that the pipes involved also carry load from other units (hence water was flowing through, even though your unit wasn’t in use?)
Housing inspections aren’t a guarantee of a complete list of issues, though, so it’s really possible for some of this stuff to come up, even if you had a good inspection.
Anonymous
Call the inspector! They may still help. I just bought a house and we found an issue when demolishing a room. The inspector came back out over the weekend and is arranging a repair for us. They are not required to do it, but many do.
Anonymous
I just bought/moved this spring and work in a real-estate-adjacent industry, so I will lend my two cents (but things may vary by state, etc.):
– The leak that damaged the unit below is concerning. You say you’re stumped–does that mean you couldn’t find the original source of the leak? I would contact the building management or similar to look into that further. My understanding is that technically when you buy a condo, you “own the air” [Per a Google search: “When a Condo is developed the land and common elements becomes the property of the Condo Association (a non-profit corporation). Each unit owner owns the air space within their unit and they own a percentage of interest in the condo association.”] You may not actually own the part of the building where the damage occurred.
– The fridge and washing machine would, I assume, be “as-is” and not covered by an inspection. Those items are the seller’s prerogative to provide and not considered to belong to the house, although there may be something in your contract that guarantees their working condition.
– The sink/disposal is annoying, but I would chalk it up as par for the course.
For context, our inspector was thorough and provided us a 25+-page report on fixes needed. He missed that the seal around our shower tile was cracked and caused water to leak–and the reason he missed this is that it happened to drop through the exhaust fan into the toilet on the floor below. Our garbage disposal has also ceased working, they “couldn’t find” our septic tank on the first two tries, and probably a few other things I’ve since blocked. Fortunately, my dad is handy and was able to help us fix things like the shower on the cheap.
Anon
Yes, it’s normal, and I think people put entirely too much stock in home inspections. They really can’t find that much, particularly things that are behind walls.
I came home after closing on my house (I had moved in early and was renting) and the door knob fell off in my hand and the next day the shower knob stopped working. It happens.
Anonymous
Home inspectors carry professional insurance, so if they miss something, you can go after them. Check to see what was covered in your inspection and see if it’s something you think he should have found.
Buying perfume
I want to treat myself to a small bottle of Chanel No. 5, which would cost around $100. This is kind of a big purchase, so I want to make the expenditure count. Should I wait for Black Friday and try to score a promo at Nordstrom or Sephora, or just buy at the duty free shop (I’m flying soon) and pay a little less for the bottle?
Anon
I would do Sephora but use Ebates and wait for a day like yesterday where you can get 11% cashback.
Anonymous
Sometimes you can get a discount on stuff that is never discounted via ebates/coupon cabin
anon
If you are near a Century 21, they usually have it for a good discount.
Anonymous
Have you checked etailers?
Anonymous
Perfume is one of those things that is widely counterfeited, so you’d probably want to order from a narrower range of merchants if you want it to be authentic.
Green Hat
DC ladies, please help me find a new primary care physician. I am so frustrated at this point – I was on One Medical for a while, then they dropped CareFirst insurance so I found a new physician, then that physician (who I actually liked!) moved away from DC. I know I have the option of going back to One Medical now but I liked having a regular doctor that knew my medical history. I’d like to find a doctor who is personable, takes CareFirst insurance, in the Dupont/Farragut area, and for whom it’s not impossible to get a next-day appt when you’re sick. Does such a person exist?!
Flats Only
I got an email from One Medical last week that they are back in network with CareFirst. You might want to give them a call to confirm insurance and see if you can rejoin.
Anonymous
mary beth adler – I still miss her after moving 3 years ago!
Anon
I don’t know how you feel about NPs but I loved Lisa Lesane. I only went to her once or twice but she was incredible. She does GP and gyno type work so I used her for both. Very informative and superb bedside manner. She’s in Woodley right across from the metro and appointments were pretty easy to get (extended hours etc)
Anon
My new commute requires biking 40-45 minutes round trip in addition to a long ride on public transit. I am finding it really hard to find other time to exercise. Would you consider the biking “enough” exercise for someone who wants to be fit and healthy, but isn’t training for something specific?
Anon
It’s enough cardio and calorie burn to let yourself just lift weights a couple times a week to stay in shape.
Anon
I would say so! 40-45 minutes of cardio every day is a pretty decent amount of exercise!
Anon
I’d think of it like this – you’re riding 20-22 minutes at a time, which probably isn’t enough time to really get your heart rate up unless it’s uphill the whole way, plus you’re probably trying not to sweat too much as you go to work, unless you’re showering there. I’d put this in the same same category as taking a brisk walk. Really good for you and awesome work on being active, but if you want to be in overall shape, you need to supplement. As a cyclist, cycling is good cardio and great for your legs, but doesn’t do much for your upper body. I would add some weightlifting, core, and do yoga once a week, because your hips are going to start getting tight.
Anonymous
Things are a bit crazy if bicycling 45 minutes a day doesn’t qualify you to be an overall shape
Anonymous
Well the average person is very out of shape. I walk up hill 45 minutes a day (but only about 20 min each way) and I do NOT consider this putting me in shape. To be in shape I need at least another 60 minutes of exercise…
anon
What are some good ways to screen for whether a job is appropriately resourced? I had an interview last week for a job that I was excited about initially, but as we talked, I got the subtle impression that the organization is trying to accomplish a lot with a small budget and team. The words “startup mentality” were uttered, which is a giant red flag for me. Additionally, I would be a department of one, which I’m afraid will lead to burnout. I wouldn’t even be job hunting if it weren’t for being burned out at a job that’s constantly trying to do more with less, so I’m really sensitive to this. To the point of wondering if I’m being self-sabotaging and sticking with the stressors I know, rather than new ones.
Monday
I think your concerns are valid. “Startup mentality” may be the opposite of what you’re looking for right now.
Does the “department” you would be already exist? Or would it be new? If new, you have a great opening to ask what resources they are allocating to this new department, and what concrete goals they have for it. If they hedge or don’t know, that’s another bad sign–not only for your workload but also for job security.
anon
My office has a “start-up mentality” – for us that has translated into a lot of layoffs and turnover! I think it’s a red flag for sure, and we use that term all the time.
Anonymous
IS the organization legitimately a start up that is just getting off the ground? If so, where is it getting its funding and what is the potential for increase in funding? What is their plan for solidifying and when do they think that’s going to happen?
If its not a start up, why is it operating as one? Does the function require constant change and innovation…or are they 10 years in and still operating like a start up because they’re struggling to survive?
Anon
I am trying to find some new workout leggings and decided to try Outdoor Voices. I have tried the textured compression ones and the other, more stretchy fabrics. The textured compression ones weirdly fit like really tight pants and are bunch around my crotch and knees. The more stretch fabrics all weirdly make me look like I’m pregnant or have some sort of low stomach pooch, even though I’m in decent shape. Has anyone else had this experience with them? I really like the aesthetic and have never had an issue with leggings fitting before, so I don’t really get why these don’t fit.
Anonymous
I had an Outdoor Voices hoodie that was cut quite oddly.
Duckles
I tried a pair that was way too small in the size I usually wear in lulu/athleta, so I asked customer service what styles would fit better. They said they’re made for a “specific body type” and don’t fit everyone so NOPE WILL NOT BE TRYING THESE AGAIN.
Office Mate
So I’m set to move into this shared office that is currently occupied. I’m technically assigned to the side with the window but the current person using the shared office has already been using the window side for some time now since that space was previously occupied (she’s supposed to be on the other side facing the hallway). Do I bring this up? If not, the building movers will just put me into the hallway side that’s currently empty and assume that’s where I was assigned. I work with this woman closely so don’t want to damage that relationship, but of course I’d prefer the window spot especially if that’s where I’m supposed to sit anyway.
Anonymous
No sit at the empty space.
Sam
I would totally do it, in a very non-confrontational and casual way. “Hey I believe I’m assigned to that seat. Do you mind moving over?”
Sitting near the window is big for me, I need to look at a distant object from time to time otherwise I stare too closely and get eye strain with my monitor. Also I had a big step down from a private office to now an open floor plan so I hang onto the window as my last shred of view/autonomy or something!
Your officemate may just say – “Oh sure, I was just sitting here because there was nobody else.”
But also – have a plan in place if the officemate says she won’t budge. Would you argue it out / take it over her head, or would you let it be? How much does window (and officemate harmony) matter to you?
anonymous
Ha, I’m sure your office mate doesn’t ever get eye strain and isn’t a person who also appreciates the window. I’d be pissed AF if someone did this. I’d probably chew loudly in revenge for the next 7 months. (I also read OP’s update on the afternoon post that says the assignment is essentially random via technology and there’s no rational basis for her to be there.)
In a week we’re going to get a post from some poor chick who says “ugh, I have to share and office now AND the new person just asked me to move. I want to decline but feel very uncomfortable doing so, but I don’t know how to say no without ruining the working relationship. I’m worried she’s going to take it over my head and I’ll get in trouble with my higher ups.”
Anonymous
Circumstances matter here — Is there some reason you were assigned to the window side of the room? I’d suspect that she views the window space as a perk of her seniority in the office. And I think you’d be pretty tone deaf to come in and ask her to move.
Anonymous
I would handle this through HR. And I’m senior. Don’t make thisnypur problem, make it HR’s (or whomever is driving the move). They’ll understand why you looped them in.
I run a department and we moved floors and OH MY GOSH the level of attachments tonsoaces was unreal. I was so happy it was HR’s problem and not mine to work with the team to make people happy.