Weekend Open Thread

143 Comments

1. Turning 30 soon and I decided to start seeing a dermatologist and treating myself to monthly massages. What do you do to take better care of yourself, or what do you wish you had started doing at 30?

   1. If you’re not exercising regularly, START NOW.

      1. But find something you can stick with for decades.

         1. You don’t need to be able to stick to the same exercises and routines for decades. It’s possible to shift and do different things depending on where your body is at the moment. And you don’t know what later decades may bring. Getting in the habit and where you want regular physical exercise is what matters.

         2. I wouldn’t say you need to find something you’ll enjoy for the rest of your life, that’s not realistic, but you should find something you can stick with long-term, enough that when you do lose interest in it, you’re still motivated to find something else instead of give up altogether.

            1. I think they mean find a routine you can stick with.

   2. I started flossing religiously at 30 and I don’t have problems with my teeth and gums.

      Are you asking for health or cosmetic reasons? Massages won’t do much for physical health, although they may be good for your mental state.

      1. +1M flossing

      2. Yes! Floss, exercise, sunscreen EVERYDAY, and Botox if you want to go that route.

   3. Sunscreen on your face, neck and hands religiously.

      1. +1. And hats and long sleeve sun shirts.

      2. Absolutely. I live in Wisconsin. I flew through DFW last year – the difference between sun-starved necks and chests up here and the leathery, brown-spotted faces, necks, chests, and hands of the white women was astonishing.

         Sunblock, hat, and long sleeves every day.

         Also, take the stairs whenever you can. Easier to maintain toned glutes than to un-sag a butt.

   4. Tretinoin! I wish I’d started it before I visibly needed it. It preserves what you have, rather than bringing back what you’ve lost.

   5. SUNSCREEN

2. Moms – clarify it for us, do you want your single or married but child free friends to reach out to you or invite you or not? Friend of mine is early 40s, 2 kids – around ages 6-10, biglaw partner. So yeah life is busy and I’d understand if she limited her life to work + family. When we hang out (1-2x/yr) we have a ton of fun. A one hour planned happy hour turns into 2.5 hrs with dinner because we can’t stop talking. Her husband stays home so childcare isn’t a problem. And when we hang out, she’ll lament her lack of social life etc.

   Yet EVERY time I reach out, it’s I’m sooooooo busy and either she says no or we go back and forth to get an hour on the calendar in 8 weeks. I was MUCH more sympathetic when she was a senior associate with babies but I’m losing my patience. Yeah you’re busy but you’re not THAT busy. Her hours aren’t bad for biglaw and while she spends lots of time worrying about work, she’s not working now like when she was a senior associate. Nor do her 2nd and 5th grader need mommy all the time. Or maybe they do — which is fine, I have other friends, I’ll move on. It’s just tiresome when I’m the only one ever reaching out and it feels like she’s squeezing me in/doing me a favor . . . . Would you move on?

   1. And BTW I reach out every 2-4 mos, so it’s not like I’m asking her to hang out weekly.

      1. So that’s asking out maybe 3-6 times a year to yield two nights out — I think that’s actually a much better ask-to-outing ratio than I am currently running (or have ever run since being a parent).

         I may ask 10 times to set up events and feel lucky to get 1-2 outings out of that.

   2. I would move on. I give people a couple chances, but if I am the only one reaching out over a longer period of time, I go quiet for awhile to see what happens. If they don’t reach out, you have your answer. If they do, but it takes longer than you would have liked, well, you have to accept the friendship on their limited terms or there’s no friendship at all.

      But I don’t think you can say that these are the habits of all moms, or that she is behaving this way because she is a mom, or ask all moms what’s going on on behalf of this woman. Moms are people. Some moms make time for their friends. Some don’t. Some blame their kids for keeping them “busy” when they really just don’t want to see you. Some really are that busy and wish they could see you but can’t find the time. You won’t know which it is and it really doesn’t matter. All you can go on is the facts: She is consistently not available when you want to see her. For me, that would be enough to move on.

      1. BigLaw partner, 2 kids of similar ages. For the kids, I find that they emotionally need me more and actually need me more (math homework if you are 11 is hard, especially if your kid’s teacher is iffy on the subject) during the week in the evenings. For work, I’m not grinding it out for 12 hours a day. I’m in a meeting here, putting out a fire, waiting for a call, waiting to see if there is maybe a call, and covering finance guys who get in at 7 EST to people on the west coast and asia, so my days drag, but I can’t do much with the way my downtime works out sometime. The time s*ck non-billable stuff for partners goes through the roof sometimes. And then there is collections.

         I believe that there are seasons in our lives and some seasons are busy. If you see your friend 2x/year and like that, keep on keeping on. But it seems like expecting more may just leave you disappointed. Enjoy it for what it is and then you’re around for when the seasons shift in your favor.

         1. +1 to “For the kids, I find that they emotionally need me more and actually need me more (math homework if you are 11 is hard, especially if your kid’s teacher is iffy on the subject) during the week in the evenings.”

            There’s this perception among women who don’t have kids that once kids are out of kindergarten they “don’t need mom as much any more.” Au contrere, mon frere. My kids needed me more as they moved into grade school and middle school and had to deal with both more homework and all the social stuff that starts when kids are in the 3rd or 4th grade. My teenager still needs me in the evenings because he participates in events I need to attend to support him, I need to help him with his homework, I need to transport him to and from various activities, etc. As our kids have grown my career and my husband’s career have gotten more demanding and there just isn’t as much time outside of work and family obligations to do much of anything. And I don’t like it, but this just one “season” of my life and pretty soon my kids will be driving, and then they will be off to college, and I will be in a new season.
            Your friend has a career family life that is important to her. I am sorry that’s a problem for you. I am always going to put my family (primarily, the people I gave birth to and my husband) and the career that supports my family (that enables me to buy them food, shelter, clothing, dental and medical care, etc.) ahead of my friends. If my friends don’t like that, they can feel free to stop hanging out with me because that’s one of the core and central facts of my life. Take it or leave it.
            OP, either come to terms with the fact that your friend isn’t available to entertain you as much as you’d like and make other friends – other child-free people with more time may be a better choice – or accept what she can give for what it is.

            1. This is EXACTLY why mommies come here to whine about having lost themselves and having no friends. The smug married, I’m soooo important and my 9th grader can’t handle his homework attitude. Enjoy your life, the rest of us will go actually have fun and don’t cry to us when you’re lonely in a few years and that precious son of yours isn’t there to entertain you and is always hanging with his girlfriends family.

      2. +1 asking an entire category of people to explain one person’s behavior is weird and not going to get you the answers you need

   3. There is no single answer to this question, because “moms” are not all the same.

      1. +1 I fail to see why this is a “moms” thing. It’s one woman with whom it’s difficult to make plans.

   4. I would probably move on.
      That said, I’ll push back gently on “her husband stays home so childcare isn’t a problem.” I’ve stayed home briefly and didn’t really want my husband going out in the evenings for fun – I was with kids all day, I really wanted him home in the evenings to help me. I know a lot of SAHMs who feel the same way. They spend all the workdays alone with their kids, so they’re pretty protective of weekends and evenings as “family time.” When I went back to work, I was a lot more willing to take an evening solo because I hadn’t been doing childcare all day. It sounds like she has the financial resources for babysitters and her kids are older, so it’s not like she couldn’t go out if she wanted to. Just pointing out that having a stay at home spouse doesn’t make finding evening childcare easier, in my experience, and may make it harder.

      1. +1 to this

         I’ve been on work travel all week, leaving H to go to work and then deal with the kids solo. I have a work event tonight. Dude is seriously unhappy. Cannot imagine blithely assuming he’d be game for this all the time even if he stayed home. It’s a slog if it’s always on you.

         1. In the same boat, in reverse. DH had a trip for fun last week, and this week he is having to work loooong insane hours. All childcare is on me, and it sucks hard-core.

   5. I feel like it might be a personality thing, not just a mom thing. I’m always the friend that reaches out & plans, but that’s just who I am. Was your friend dynamic always like this (if you were friends before she had kids) and then it changed? Either way, I get that it’s hurtful, I would take a little longer of a break. If you feel yourself missing her, try again after say a 6 month period where you don’t ask at all.
      Too bad you and the poster who felt lonely from this morning can’t be friends!

   6. She’s just not that into you. I know it’s harsh to read and I normally don’t post comments like this. But as a single mother of an 11 year old, working in a grueling executive corporate job, there is time. There’s always time. If I have time, she has time. If I want to see my friends, other than just phone calls or texting, I make the time. If she wanted to, she would make more time for you.

      1. I disagree. She doesn’t want the same kind of friendship OP wants maybe, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about OP. And it certainly doesn’t mean this is personal to her feelings about OP, which is what “she’s just not that into” implies. I work and have young kids, I don’t have time for weekly or even monthly get togethers with every friend and thankfully I have a small but solid friend group that understands that. These people are my ride-or-dies, I would drop everything and be there for them if they had a personal crisis like divorce or death of a loved one, but weekly happy hours just don’t fit into my life right now. It’s not a reflection on my love for them.

         1. You ask her out every 2-6 months and see her 2x/year and have a great time. So it looks as if she is able to accept and actually accepts half of the time — I think that that is good actually!

            I sometimes assume my single friends are living lives of glamour and aren’t into “hey, want to grab dinner at 6 at dive restaurant where I won’t get the side eye if I park my kids at a separate table and give them crayons and paper so they can draw while we catch up,” but I remind myself to at least ask and then they can say no or propose something else (which I’m game for, but stuff happens easier if I don’t have to negtiate childcare in addition to my crazy life).

      2. I agree. He’s just not that into you works with men and female friendships. I know it sucks but move on. Not entirely, but you’re not going to get the type of friendship you’re looking for from her. I also think a lot of moms just like to complain and honestly I don’t really care anymore. People make time for what’s important to them.

   7. I will probably be in your shoes eventually, as more and more friends have kids and I might not go that way. One thing you haven’t mentioned is whether you typically meet her alone or whether you are open to hanging out at her house or join outings with the kids. If meeting you doesn’t equal not being with her kids, that might increase probability of successful scheduling. YMMV, of course.

      1. + 1 This is what I have to do, as the CFer with a mom bestie. Meet at the mom’s house for snacks and bevs, either after she puts the kids to bed (when they’re little) or after the other parent is home and can absorb most of the homework and chore needs. Being distracted but still in the house seems to be easier for her than being “out”. I also tend to bring the snacks along, so even though she’s always technically “hosting”, she isn’t doing all the work.

      2. Sometimes I don’t want to hang out with friends and their kids. I would be fine with going to their home when the kids are asleep and splitting a bottle of wine but I’m not going to lunch with her and her kids where I have to watch what I say and only have half their attention.

         1. + 1,000,000
            signed, mother of four young children

         2. +1 and I’m also a mom

         3. +1, also a mom. That doesn’t sound fun for either of you.

         4. +1 to this. If it’s a choice between bringing my kids with me to a lunch or happy hour or waiting until I don’t have to bring my kids – I’m gonna wait. Especially when they were little, bringing them to lunch with me was NOT relaxing or fun, and it was not a way for me to make sure I had any kind of quality time with my friends.

      3. OP here — to clarify I haven’t been invited to hang with her and her kids and I’m not inviting myself. I think she views me as the friend to hang with when she isn’t wanting to talk kid stuff — she enjoys that we talk about her, life etc — not about how the mean girls are in her kids 5th grade class. Plus while I like kids, I’m sure people don’t see me as a kid person — I’m not warm or cuddly. And my sense is her family time is family only OR friends who have kids her kids can play with — not single women.

   8. Your issue is that she is planning 8 weeks out? It’s end of September and I’m definitely currently booking mid-end November for social events. Between my family, DH’s family, our friends, and my kids friends plus work and school obligations – things get booked up quickly.

      As kids get older, the needs change and weekends are often less free because kids have their own plans that still need parental involvement. Like this weekend we are hosting a sleepover on Saturday and driving gymnastics carpool on Sunday for oldest kid. Next weekend is DH’s grandmother’s 90th birthday and my nephew’s baptism party and soccer tournament for youngest kid.

      In terms of co-ordinating dates, my friends and I find it most effective to give at least 4 availabilities in the initial email. So for my law school friends I’m coordinating brunch with (4 ppl), my email says I’m available 11am on Nov 17, 12pm on Nov 22 or 23, and 10am on Nov 30. Usually at least one of those dates will work for 3/5 ppl. We rarely get all 5. If you suggest only one date in an email then it will take a lot of back and forth.

      It also helps if you have a specific ‘thing’ that you do together, like my high school friend and I would always go to a certain film festival in January. We still have to email about exactly which dates/times but we both try not to book anything else that weekend so we can make it work.

   9. Idk why you’re trying to generalize this to all moms. This one friend you have is annoying. So don’t bother anymore with her.

      1. I didn’t get that from OP’s post at all! She’s frustrated with someone who is a mom, and since she herself doesn’t have kids, she’s trying to get the perspective of other women who do have kids to check her blind spots and make sure she’s not being unfair with this friend. The consensus is that she isn’t, and that’s helpful for her.

         I do think in general, if you’re frustrated trying to make plans with someone who’s always “sooooo busy” (or “sooooo tired”), the best thing to do is communicate that frustration.

   10. Don’t ask “moms” to clarify this for you. Put on your big girl pants and ask your friend directly.

       1. PuT oN yOuR bIg GiRl PaNtS! That phrase is so insulting, I truly don’t know what people hope to accomplish by using it. It’s really reasonable to ask people for perspective on a situation that you are not in. Especially when we all know that her friend who is, like most of us, socialized to be polite and doesn’t want to hurt her friend, is probably not going to give her a realistic answer.

   11. Why not see if she’s open to a regular meeting that’s a default and on the books — say 1/15, 4/15, 7/15, 10/15? Or something like that. Then if she has to cancel the onus on her to pick another time, and it isn’t too much “togetherness.” I’m a 42 yo mom to 2 and I do tend to feel like I have to apologize after a while if I go out with friends or take “me” time too much, even though childcare isn’t an issue for us either.

       1. YES! THIS! I make plans approximately a quarter at a time, so if I know we happy hour the first Wednesday of the quarter, I put it on my calendar for recurring and plan accordingly.

   12. Yikes, ladies, no need to be so defensive. Obviously the question to moms was rhetorical, and I’m sure you’re all smart enough to pick up on that.

       1. Agree!

   13. Is her practice area cyclical? Mine is crazy busy in the Fall and Jan., slow over the holidays, but other partners have practices that spike in December. If you ask you may find times of year that work better.

   14. I know it sounds absurd, but it’s almost impossible for working parents to go out with friends. If you are in biglaw, there are certainly two nights a week you are there late. One or two nights your kids will have something. One night maybe you get to go to the gym or run an errand or something – boom, that’s the whole workweek. That leaves you with the two weekend nights, which you need to use to clean, cook for the week, probably work at least one of those nights. If your spouse is a stay at home parent, you are likely doing the bulk of weekend childcare because they are so over it. If I see my friends twice a month I think that’s really good – if you have let’s say 6-10 friends in your town, that means you don’t see any of them more than 3-4 times a year. So it’s not about you – there is just literally no time for friendship in a society that puts as much emphasis on work as ours and has so few social supports for parents.

       1. Not to mention, you might actually want to spend time with your partner.

   15. It’s grueling, and you’ve had plenty of great advice. What I recommend is finding something she/both of you do, and synch up with that. I’ve got the full schedule and tweens, my sister, who lives next door has three kids under 5. We catch up with pedicures. We (less often) will have a casual dinner at each other’s house. No deep conversations there. We’re not visiting during bedtime because the kids get too excited. We’ve had conversation and a glass of wine once or twice on the front steps.

       Feed the interest in getting together with something that “gets done” like a pedicure, an exercise class, a walk in the woods as the kids entertain themselves. Do you share an interest in a political candidate and want to do something together related to that? Could either of you be a +1 for the other at an event that isn’t required for work, but would provide some intangible boost, if only for your network? I’d mention taking a class together, but that depends on a lot, too.

       Look at timing. Ask when it might be a better time. September, for parents is often adjusting to school, starting the season of extra curriculars, and extra meetings like back to school night and PTA. This time, right now, is hard. Summer has way fewer child obligations, as does January-February.

       Give her some grace, and see some other friends a little more frequently. Seasons of life change, and the kids will have more independent lives eventually.

   16. Your friend sounds like me And if she’s like me, the two times per year she spends hanging out with you is the sum total of her child free social life.

       Why don’t explicitly you put it on her to schedule the next one? “You’re the one with the bad schedule — I love doing this, but it’s honestly exhausting for me to find a good time, so next time around, let me know three times that work for you?”

3. Have you ever been pursued by another company for a new job while you currently have a good but not great job? If you left, what helped you decide? I’m curious how people make the decision, and how much higher than their current salary made it worth it. Flip side, have you done this but regretted it?

   1. Yes l, but I only left once my job stopped being good but not great and went straight to bad.

      I jumped to a job that has turned out to be bad in different ways, unfortunately. That’s why I never jumped before – you really can never know what you’re jumping into until you get there.

   2. Yes, did this. I left because I felt a bit of a time crunch. DH and I had talked about TTC. I had talked about finding a new job for a while, and I knew it would be harder to find a new job if I was pregnant (and hard to find time to find a new job with an infant), so I started thinking if I wanted to be in my job for another 2-3 years. The answer was no. I also started becoming concerned that some of my boss’s flakiness would start to affect my reputation as well. Pay increase was a 25% increase with significantly better benefits.

      I know it was the right decision to move. Some days I regret the move because my last job was so much easier, but I also know I wasn’t really being challenged there.

4. So I’m going to unabashedly brag. I made non-equity partner this week – it was kept a total surprise, and was announced in front of my entire smallish firm. I am the first female partner in my group. I feel really honored and proud. I am also a 2012 grad and have been at the firm less than a year, so it feels extra special since I am not really that senior.

   1. Congrats!!! That’s awesome and I hope you find a really great way to celebrate this weekend!

      1. Agreed! Kudo’s to you, and welcome to the club! Remeber, today is all about YOU! It’s your day! YAY!!!!We could be soul sisters, as I too am in a partner in a small boutique firm, tho I am equity. No matter, you rock the world today, so go home and have a great time, with or without your man! YAY for YOU!!!!!!!

   2. Awesome! You should have a nice dinner or buy yourself something nice to celebrate. This is a big deal!

   3. Congratulations!! That’s very cool!!!

   4. That’s amazing!!!

   5. Congratulations! What a great accomplishment!

   6. Congrats!! I am curious, in general are 2012 grads up for partnership this year? I never even considered that as a possibility for the 2012 grads at my firm

      1. I’m a 2010 grad and I’ve been a partner for 2 years, so they would be up at firms with a 7-year partnership track.

         OP, congrats!!!!!!

      2. Not generally, but some firms have short (7 year) partnership tracks. 9-10 years is more typical in my experience, especially for Big Law.

      3. I am a 2012 grad and I am up for (equity!) partner this year.

      4. Yeah, totally depends. I used to be in biglaw, and at that specific firm I wouldn’t have been up for partner or counsel (their version of non-equity partner) for another 3-5 years or more. And it was a very complicated time-consuming process that was hard to get any insight into, and it was hard to really guess why some people made and others did not. I get other firms are way better on that.

   7. Congratulations! That’s a huge accomplishment

5. Ever since I hit my 50s, I’ve noticed that my pores on my face seem to be getting larger. I’ve been fairly active around washing my face, sunblock, makeup removal.

   Any tips around minimizing? I feel like it all started w this new sunblock but cant be sure.

   I’ll also take any product recs if you will! Thank you

   1. This sounds counterintuitive, but you may need more moisture on your face. My t-zone is somewhat oily with larger pores and I’m early 40s. Over the past few months, I’ve applied The Ordinary Hyaluronic Acid serum 2x/day as a buffer before other actives (niacinamide serum in the AM, rotating routine of The Ordinary vitamin c, lactic acid, etc for PM). I end with a moisturizer. My pores are less visible and I don’t see as many filaments as I did.

   2. You might try switching to a mineral sunblock.

   3. I’m late for this, but two things:

      1) Add an oil cleanser if you aren’t already to get off the sunblock and makeup. I really like the L’Occitane shea one.
      2) Retinol. OTC is a good place to start, something like The Ordinary’s 5% Granactive Retinol in Squalane is really nice.

6. Did anyone see the story about the TV reporter who was kissed by a random jerk during a live broadcast? And that he’s being charged. I freaking love it. I’m SO GLAD they didn’t just let it go and that it’s being labeled what it actually is: ASSAULT.

   I also love how the anchor/her station handled it in the aftermath. So good. Happy Friday.

   (also what does it say about the world that someone being charged with assault gives me joy. oy. I’ll take joy where I can get it in the news these days).

   1. I was at a conference today with a MeToo panel and it was both reduced me to tears — Dr. Ford testified a year ago today — and encouraged me with a discussion of how much our discourse has changed in just a year. Let’s put a shout out to everyone who stood up for women this year.

      1. I’ll second that – this echoes what Rene Z answered to Colbert this week on progress – we expect better behavior than what people had to live through, from Judy Garland up to now. We have seen that women succeed, and will continue to stand up for each other to make more progress. We are all better for it.

7. Anyone have recs for booties that look good with work dresses? I have very skinny ankles and I’m looking for a lower, stable heel (i.e. good for commuting). Budget up to $300. I’ve worn the Sam Edelman Petty in black suede for the last couple of years and I don’t adore the suede with tights and work dresses and I’m not sure whether getting another pair in leather is the way to go, but maybe it is? They’ve held up fairly well.

   1. I like the look of Blondo, but they are a bit narrow for my feet. I ended up with a pair from Rockport that are pretty comfortable and don’t have too high of a heel. I ordered several pairs from Zappos last year and those were my two favorites.

   2. Also have skinny ankles and I swear by my Ecco booties. I have them in two colors.

8. I’ve been asked to join a committee to help identify possible benefits my workplace could add to improve recruiting and retention of parents (mothers and fathers). We have decent telework/AWS policies and provide 5 days of free emergency backup child care (nanny or center spot). So far the only things we have come up with are to add an on-site daycare (may not be feasible for logistical reasons) and additional subsidies for child care on top of the $5K Dependent Care accounts. HCOL area (DC). What are some interesting benefits you’ve seen? Thanks!

   1. I think these are all pretty standard but: longer paid mat/pat leave, more free backup childcare days, separate buckets for sickness (including kid sickness) vs vacation PTO (so when your kid gets 8 ear infections in a year you don’t have to also cancel your family vacation).
      I know on-s!te daycare isn’t doable for everyone, but if you can swing it I would make that your top priority. DH and I work at a company with an amazing childcare center and we both feel like one of us has to remain employed here at least until our youngest goes to K because the daycare is so amazing. It’s also heavily subsidized for families making <$150k year (and we're in a much LCOL area than DC, so $150k goes pretty far here).
      Good for you/your company for thinking about this!

      1. agree with all of this. longer paid mat/pat leave with ramp up period possibly. you say you have decent telework/AWS policies, but are those advertised during recruiting? are those policies actually followed/implemented? more part-time/job sharing opportunities? definitely different bucks for sick vs. PTO. mine is all one in the same. and while the back up childcare is helpful, i am way too nervous to leave my infant twins with a total stranger, particularly if they haven’t handled twins before. my colleague with an older kid has used the service to plan in advance for things like school closures, but i’ve heard mixed things about availability when you plan last minute. do people at your company travel for work? if so, do you cover shipping breastmilk home?

         1. On the topic of advertising the family friendly policies during hiring, there’s research that shows that it’s most effective to have this presented as a package of information by a neutral person (admin not involved in the hiring process) as a standard step of the hiring process to EACH candidate. Leads to more women accepting job offers.

   2. Honestly, if you’re just looking at benefits, you’re going about this the wrong way. If you want to recruit mothers, then be willing to recruit people who “leaned out,” worked part time, or stayed at home for several years and are now looking to ramp up their careers.

      1. This is a great point and I love it. I’m not sure how to do that — job postings and outreach to industry groups are what we do now. How else would you signal that it’s a workplace that wants candidates who may be ready to reenter/reengage with the workforce?

         1. I haven’t worked with them, but there’s a recruiting company called the Mom Project that does this kind of thing.

         2. I like the way you just said it – “wants candidates who may be ready to reenter/reengage with the workforce?” Put some version of that in your job postings and then list the specific things your company does to support those candidates.

      2. We have an OnRamp program that is a short commitment to provide someone’s first job back. It’s 6 months, with no obligation to hire at the end of the period. Both our on rampers have been great. One transitioned to a position with us and the other to another employer.

   3. Separate buckets for vacation leave, personal sick leave and child care leave. I’d rather not leave my kids with a stranger when they are sick.

      Longer parental leave at full pay and a culture that supports actually taking the leave.

      Clear policies on ramp up/down periods before and after parental leave so that people know what their options are.

      Establish core office hours – e.g. people can flex their hours but must be available 10-3 or whatever. This way people can work 8-5 or 9-6 or 10-7 depending on their personal needs. Discourage scheduling of meetings at typical childcare pick up/drop off times. A 1 hour meeting at 4:30pm is going to put a lot of parents in tight spot.

   4. Provide paternity leave and encourage a culture that supports men taking it. Then and only then will maternity leave cease to be a negative for women’s careers.

   5. Can you increase the number of days for backup daycare? My large company provides 20 days of backup daycare, and we pay a small copay ($10) each time we use the benefit.

      1. We have 10 backup daycare days, and I’m so, so grateful for it. We typically use 5 days for when my daughter’s school is closed spring break, and use the other 5 days to help cover a mix of random holidays and/or sick days.

   6. Transportation to and/from aftercare or other activities for kids if it isn’t part of the school system in your area. A company in my town has a big van and amazing driver that employees can sign up for.

   7. All of these benefits are great ideas but don’t mean anything if your manager gives you the side eye when you want to use them. I’d really focus on making the culture such that people aren’t stigmatized for taking time off to deal with child stuff.

      1. Ability to use PTO/sick/vacation for kid stuff, make part-time positions available (and advertise the possibility of positions being part-time), culture that permits leaving work at work absent infrequent crunch times/emergencies. Provide career advancement opportunities for people on reduced/flexible schedules.

         I haven’t found back up care great in practice—the provider my employer used (Bright Horizons) never had same-day or next-day availability. Also, quality of nannies wasn’t great per colleagues that used them. A previous employer had a lower subsidy of a super excellent (and expensive) agency, which was more useful. I’d rather no back up care than one that always disappoints.

   8. Can you offer part time/ job sharing positions? eapecially for parents trying to lean back in, starting part time makes the transition back to working a lot more manageable.
      Also maybe if childcare on site isn’t feasible all the time, maybe some kind of childcare for elementary aged kids for days when there is no school? The school closures are really tough for me to schedule around and teleworking is never efficient.
      Also- my husband’s work has awesome programming for”Take your child to work day”- each department has a booth with activities and games that help explain what they do and there is an optional trip to the trampoline gym. I love it because you get to put a face to the children of your colleagues and I think this really helps solidify the idea of the working parent to your colleagues. Often our kids are this vague idea at work, and I like that you don’t have to pretend that you don’t have kids.

   9. I’d also add changing the culture/policies to provide greater flexibility for people who have other sorts of family dynamics. I don’t have kids, but When my former company added paid elder care leave at the same time they added paid maternity and paternity leave, I think it made everyone more accepting and encouraging of the new parents taking time off, knowing that if all sorts of situations would be supported.

9. My boss / mentor has been implicated in several sexual harassment cases. Originally she was just put on paid leave while the firm investigated but now a colleague has brought proof forward (this colleague publicly accused her and has made no secret about it) and whatever the proof was, it was serious enough that the firm not only fired her but alerted the police and they are now investigating too. She has been implicated by a few colleagues and there are also now allegations coming out of the last firm she was employed at. Lawsuits are pending now too. This is selfish of me because compared to what her victims went through it is nothing but I am devastated. She took me under her wings when I was hired on and she has been my mentor. This is my first post-college job. She never once harassed me and I have been wracking my brain trying to think of any time I saw her harass anyone and I cannot recall. I feel stupid for being taken in by her and for not seeing the signs. Should I be worried about my own job and reputation? I am afraid of somehow being implicated even though I never harassed anyone. I was close to her and it was known she was my mentor. I am torn if I should start looking at other firms or not. I have been here for 10 months now if it makes any difference.

   1. Abusers don’t become abusers to everyone. It’s not your fault that she hid her mask around you – if she was horrible to everyone, she would never have succeeded in life. Be kind to yourself.

      1. +1 also this is a good reminder to those who don’t believe victims because the accused is a “good guy (or gal in this case)”.

   2. This isn’t about you. No you don’t need to be worried.

   3. If you’ve done nothing wrong, you have nothing to worry about. You won’t be implicated by association.

   4. That is really hard. You’re allowed to grieve somebody you clearly respected, admired, etc., while also being mindful that harassment is a horrible thing to endure. Hugs.

   5. This happened to me in a college internship except my mentor was a man. It was pretty rough and made getting a job after graduation tricky because I didn’t have a lot of options for references and people in my network knew I was associated with him. There were also some weird after effects–several other people who worked with him defended him and because he was my mentor, others assumed I was on “his side” as well even though I wasn’t. Things were weird for a year or so but calmed down pretty rapidly once he had been gone for a while.

   6. This is a time to strengthen your ties to other people in your network. Talk to HR about concerns about this harming you as a bystander, and see what the firm is doing to move past this, and see what relates to you. For example – the firm no longer wants her working for them and are moving on with best business practices. By extension, you are no longer working with her. You have advanced your career with The Whole Firm, and will continue to do so. HR might also put you in touch with EAP as a way to safely vent and blow off steam about why this is awful in a way that you have better focus for work.

      As for what is happening with allegations, remember that you only know a fraction of her worklife, and you will prefer to be ignorant of the rest of the drama. You would much rather be asked about work things than perpetuating any gossip that might be linked to a retaliation claim. Focus on the work and healthy collaboration for a quicker return to productivity.

      This is very survivable if you keep professional boundaries

10. Has anyone ever used a service that makes photo books? I have a few I want to make, most importantly a wedding album, but I don’t have the hours to put it together myself. I’ve seen a few sites like Artifact Uprising that will do it for you but not sure if it’s worth it.

    1. Following for recs

    2. I used Artifact Uprising for our engagement photo guestbook and both of our parent albums and loved it. I put them together myself, which did take a while, but the quality is really nice and I will use them again. I believe they have discount codes 2-3 times a year, definitely on Black Friday.

    3. We used Blurb for our wedding albums. I also put them together myself, which took a good bit of time. But I’ve been super happy with the quality and it was easy to order lots of extra copies for my parents, in-laws, etc. If you sign up for their newsletter, they frequently have discount codes, especially around the holidays.

    4. I ordered a photo book through Amaz0n and do not recommend it. The cropping came out weird, the pages weren’t lined up, and there was random white space at the edge of many of the colored pages. I believe they fulfill through Snapfish. Their poster and standard prints are great quality, but the books are crap.

    5. I did my wedding album on Artifact Uprising in a couple hours. All the photos loaded in order so I could easily just work my way through the day. We’ve since ordered several other books and framed prints from them. On cost, the quality is commensurate with the price — the books and prints are way nicer than the ones I’ve done on shutterfly but also a lot more.

    6. This comes up a lot on APW and I think there was even one on the topic this week. The posts themselves are usually sponcon, but check the comments for real recommendations.

    7. Mixbook is my favorite for nice, but not too pricey options (sign up for promo codes). There are also multiple layouts if you want to get more than one pic per page which I appreciate even if the process takes longer.
       Google photos is an easy one-per-page option

    8. AdoramaPix is pricey but good quality.

11. Had the most roller coaster week with some very high highs (a wonderful date night, a once in a lifetime experience in preparation for meeting a 30+ year life goal, a couple of small but significant work wins) and some very low lows (taken off a project I was passionate about because someone senior wanted it, minor but annoying landlord issues, a huge blow up with a very close friend which may be impossible to repair the rift- not for my lack of effort though).

    How do I balance out again? And how do I gain back the energy to celebrate the wins when my body and mind just feel beaten down from the losses? I don’t want to look back on this and wish I’d been able to enjoy the good but right now I just want to loaf and sleep and tv and heal.

    1. A really, really good night’s sleep followed by a morning work out, fancy coffee, and a healthy breakfast.

       1. ….and if youre in a romantic relationship, have your SO prepare you your breakfast in bed, and when you do get enough of your energy back, spend the afternoon doing the horizontal hora with him/her! Yummy!

    2. Sleep for a long time, like 10 or 12 hours if that’s how long it takes to wake up naturally. Then have a chill day involving activities related to your highs, like talking to a friend about the date, doing something small to prep for or commemorate the life goal (buy a new outfit? print and frame a photo of the event?)

    3. I third the recommendation to sleep. It’s good that it’s Friday. Sleep as much as you want and don’t try to put too much on your plate this weekend.

12. Went into a long term project as a collaboration with a close close friend. Initially she was to take lead. Over time, she got busier and I ended up handling and driving the project. Then she first suggested being removed from the project, then maybe being an assistant on it with me leading and completing it. Then she changed her mind and wanted to stick with the original plan. Now we are finding we disagree fundamentally about the project and the process. Both sides are feeling unheard and are frustrated. Attempts to fix this don’t seem to be working. In an attempt to tell me how she feels, she sent me links about how to deal when your employee is being difficult. However, I’m not her employee or a subordinate.

    I think it may be better to try to cancel the project because I don’t see this situation improving. However now I worry about losing the friendship too. Is there a way to fix this or is this just me needing to pull the plug on the project (even if I then seem like the bad guy) and then hoping the friendship heals over time?

    1. It sounds like you both need to talk this through as a collaborative process with a third person. If it’s work, there may be someone trained as an ombuds, mediator or facilitator. Conflict coaches exist as well.

       There are volunteer mediation centers as well, which can be a lower-cost resource.

       If this sounds extreme, maybe respond to the emails by saying, sending these articles are telling me that you are trying to deal with a tough situation, and we’ve had a number of shifts. We both want the project to succeed and we’re in the messy middle of finding our way. Can you focus on what the project, you, and she gain with its success, and acknowledge that temporary and longer-term loss on the table, such as prestige, recognition, completion and friendship, not to mention supporting the values that are part of the project.

       Is credit being given to the friend for their role in the beginning? They might be feeling erased, and you both are competing. She’s still communicating, which is one hint that she hasn’t given up on progress. Is this an all-or-nothing situation with the process? Sometimes having a third, trained professional HEARING you, then moving toward next steps, can get this back on track.

       Full disclosure, I’ve been a volunteer mediator with Community Mediation Maryland.

13. Invited to a holiday cocktail party with work. (Yes, I know it’s September–clearly they want to maximize everyone coming.) Would a navy velvet wrap style dress be appropriate? I bought it on sale last year without any idea of where to wear it because it looked so great on me. Fancy enough?

    Cleary Friday brain that I’m already stressing.

    1. That sounds fine for anything but “formal” meaning full length gowns, and even then I think a lot of people wear knee length anyway. Especially for work stuff. I’d say go for it!

    2. Sounds perfect. I will be wearing a plum velvet dress I bought last year and never wore.

    3. Perfect for a holiday cocktail party. Navy is a bit unexpected and beautiful. Wear with some glitzy earrings, and you’re set.

14. Has anyone on here tried freelance lawyering or have other recommendations for part-time, preferably remote, legal work that isn’t doc review? I’m a litigation partner in Biglaw with two young kids, and it’s getting old. I don’t hate the job; I just dislike the commitment it requires. I can’t stay at home full-time for money reasons (nor do I want to at this point), but I also don’t need nearly as much as I make. I’d love to work 20-25 hours a week and be home after school with my kids. Part of me feels like I’m searching for a unicorn job, but another part of me thinks that surely others feel the same way and it must exist! I’m curious to hear from other women (or men) attorneys that are freelancing — how does it work, what is the work like, what is the pay, etc. Hoping this group has some experience to share. Thank you!

    1. This isn’t really freelance, but I’m in criminal law and know a couple of women who have developed a part time schedule by taking appeals by appointment. You could probably do freelance in other areas if you had a deep bench of work contacts who could throw projects to you.

    2. I do this. Not freelance, but I work part time for a law firm, mostly from home. A few times a year I’ll need to argue a motion, appeal, or jury instructions. I miraculously found a law firm advertising a part time position when my son was small, and have kept essentially the same arrangement for 15 years (had more kids). My youngest will start school in a few years and I’ll probably ramp up some.

       My husband’s firm hired a part time attorney (mom of small kids) after knowing and working with her previously at another firm. I think this is easier to find through your network. Put some feelers out. I’d also approach your partners about some sort of of counsel arrangements with them. We have several attorneys who work part time and remotely after a successful full time career with the firm.

    3. Flex by Fenwick is essentially a flexible virtual law firm that contracts out attorneys to in-house companies for short-term projects. I think you’re on the senior side (most people I know who worked with them were mid-level/senior associates) but they had good experiences.

    4. A friend who is a former BigLaw lawyer became a writing tutor for lawyers. Firms hire him to work with their lawyers (usually younger associates). I think he’s charging over $100 an hour and has a pretty flexible schedule. Obvioiusly this requires superior writing skills.

15. I highly recommend pajamas from the Mix & Match line by the German brand Schiesser! They’re made of a thin drapey modal (which is like an extra-soft rayon), very breathable and comfortable to wear.

    Aaaand I always wear sleep bras – not necessarily for the sleeping itself (although it is more comfortable to me) but more so because my kids have a lot of neighborhood pals who show up unannounced. I don’t like to have my 34G chest on display. :-O

16. For someone who knows nothing about money/money management besides the very basic budgeting out for bills … what resources do you recommend? Any websites, books, forums, etc. I’m at the point where I really need to start making long term choices, but need guidance in doing so.

    1. If you want to watch something, I’m a fan of Gail Vaz-Oxlade and you can both watch episodes of her shows on Youtube (even if you’re single, the info for married couples work for singles). You can also read her books or listen to them on audiobook. Another option is “Young, Fabulous, and Broke” which is a good option to start if your income is low, otherwise “Women and Money.” You could also check out the podcasts of Suze Orman and things written by Dave Ramsay.

       1. Thank you – I’ll look into all of these

    2. Read “The Elements of Investing” (Updated Edition) by Burton Malkiel and Charles Ellis. It’s a basic, but in my view, sound resource on how to invest for the long haul, simply and cost effectively. The authors have a lot of common sense, and illustrate how to put together a balanced portfolio without spending all your spare time researching stocks and bonds. I wish I had read this long before I did.

    3. I love the HerMonet podcast

17. Help! More of a Corporette Moms post but figure this would get more views. Anyone have an idea of where I can get a size 14-16 maternity black tie optional dress? I’m nearing crunch time and can’t find anything that doesn’t look cheap and/or isn’t $400. I just want something classy. I’ve checked Pink Blush, Nordstrom, Macy’s and various Destination Maternity stores.

    1. If this is for a particular event, have you considered renting? Rent The Runway has maternity dresses.

       1. Not OP, but RTR is having major supply issues and not fulfilling orders right now!

       2. I hadn’t thought of this, thank you! I am heading to a friend’s wedding in a couple of weeks so I may still have time to explore this.

          1. There are also other maternity rental options online… blanking on the names, but I debated for some work ware pierces. Also, my city (Charlotte) has at least one maternity consignment shop that has like a dozen formal dresses in various sizes that they rent out (7 days is like $50 or something quite reasonable), so that could be an option for you, but would require a bit of investigation on your part. Also try prime Wardrobe through amazon —- if you have some time you might find something there and you can try everything on at home. Good luck!

    2. A Pea in the Pod has a “Pietro Brunelli Lace Maternity Dress” that might fit the bill.

       BHLDN has maternity-friendly dresses in extended sizes.

       When all else fails, Poshmark.

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