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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Munich hair stylist?
A long-shot, but this community is so well-informed, maybe this will work!
I am an ex-pat, and have limited access to personal-care services. I’ll be in Munich on holiday in a couple of months, and am staying near the Hauptbahnhof. I need a haircut; any recommendations for a hair stylist in Munich proper? TIA.
Anon.
If you are on Facebook, you can try finding and joining an expat group there and asking this question.
Bactrim side effects
I am woefully out of shape. I am also on Bactrim. I did what I thought was light exercising on Saturday and have been in pain (joint pain, lower back pain) since Sunday morning. There is a chance I overdid it. There is a chance I am having an adverse reaction (this is after having spent ~2 weeks on it). Has anyone else been on this med (antibiotic) and had this happen?
I feel achey like I have a fever (but don’t have a fever). Like the joints on my fingers also hurt. Having a heating pad moment now, which isn’t great b/c the temp is still in the 90s.
Ugh.
Anon
Was on that med for a one week course and had the exact same joint pain in my hands – checked in with my doctor and was told it wasn’t a big deal, but to take advil and hold off on strenuous activity until I was off it.
Anonymous
I had an absolutely horrible reaction to Bactrim (I was on it for an infected bite or sting): arthralgia such that I could not type and a low grade fever, both for weeks after going off it. I thought I had lupus (because why not jump to conclusions with Dr. Google) but my primary physician figured it out and after a cortisone shot I evened back out. May not be your issue but bad allergic reactions are definitely possible with that drug.
Anon for this
Going anon since this question may out me… has anyone here had an enjoyable but not $$$$ Thanksgiving restaurant experience in Naples? So far we’ve only found hotels that are $100+ per person before you even add a glass of wine, or restaurants that look ‘meh’ particularly for the price point — like the normal menu is Cheesecake Factory-level in length, which to me means none of it is likely to be delicious, and things like chicken marsala are $25.99…
Anonymous
Naples is fancy? I was just by there in Florida and it was empty. I suspect that Thanksgiving may be the beginning of the high tide of snowbird season so it may just really be pricey then.
BUT it is perhaps not ideally fancy, but I was really pleased the two years we joined with SEUS family and went to Myrtle Beach. Food is inexpensive and delicious and waits were minimal (except at one really well-subscribed Thanksgiving buffet). I am not normally a Myrtle Beach person, but most places and the beaches weren’t crowded. It wasn’t warm enough to swim in the ocean, but the kids loved hot-tubbing at night.
Anonymous
Huh? She’s looking for a restaurant in Naples not alternate vacation ideas.
Anon for this
OP here – thanks, I replied below but family is in Naples and this will be our 6th Thanksgiving there. It’s not particularly crowded at Thanksgiving as the snowbirds seem to descend mostly at or after Christmas.
Looking to change it up from grocery-store ordering.
Anon
No experience with Naples, but I’ve never had a good Thanksgiving meal in a restaurant that wasn’t $$$$. It’s one of those occasions when even really mediocre restaurants raise their prices through the roof.
Anonymous
Yes — it’s like the second coming of Valentine’s Day, with long waits, mediocre food, high prices, and limited menus. And bad seating time options.
Anon
My family often does holidays in Naples and we prefer going to a nice grocery store like Wynn’s Market and ordering a turkey dinner.
Aggie
This is what we did two years ago. It was so much more pleasant than waiting in line. Everything is packed in oven-ready containers with a heating schedule.
Anon for this
Thanks – this will be our 6th Thanksgiving in Naples. So, we’re familiar with general pricing in the area and we know which restaurants we think give good value for the food normally (USS Nemo, yum). We’ve done the Wynn’s grocery store thing the last 5 times and we’re tired of people bickering in the kitchen even when the only thing to do is put things in the oven at the right time… hence the search for somewhere where prices are normal for Naples, not “even worse than normal,” ha.
Anonymous
Would somewhere nearby like Marco Island be a better option?
Anon for this
Interesting idea as we haven’t visited Marco before! (Family condo is about 10 mins north of the Ritz.) Any specific restaurants you’d suggest we look into?
Anonymous
For dive bars and TV for football, I like Snook Inn. There are nicer restaurants on Collier – there is a JW Marriott and it’s restaurants weren’t bad (weird asian food / rum drinks tiki bar was surprisingly awesome). Had a great dinner at Oyster Society (walkable from the JW).
Anon
Are y’all stuck on traditional Thanksgiving fare? If not, figure out the best Indian or Chinese restaurant and go there!
Anonymous
Call golf and country clubs. Ours allows outsider reservations closer to the date after members have signed up. $25-30 and full out wonderful
Anonome
I know that many commenters love “Yoga With Adriene”, but is there a similarly-popular channel for bodyweight fitness? I’m looking for something that emphasizes core work and strength training with proper form. Most of what I’m finding is guy-centric and geared towards bulking up.
Anon
I think YWA is free, but if you’re willing to spend up to $10/month, SWEAT with Kayla something or other has bodyweight and gym based routines.
Z
Blogilates
emeralds
Yeah, that’s the only one I can think of. FWIW I find the instructor to be a bit–much sometimes, but the workouts themselves are pretty good.
Anon
Check out Chloe Ting’s videos – they kick my butt.
busybee
I like Rebecca Louise on YouTube.
Ribena
There are great videos on popsugar that fill this need – I particular like the barre ones and especially the one by Selena Gomez’s trainer.
anon
BodyFit by Amy and Sarah Fit. Also second the Pop Sugar rec.
Anonymous
Nerd Fitness has a few things. Also look into Betty Rocker.
Anonymous
Fitness Blender has some body weight workouts.
anonymous
Sydney Cummings on YouTube
midtown anon
I love fitbod for this. it’s an app like SWEAT but more focused on muscle groups and lifting and you can adjust to the weights right for you. I came to it after working with a personal trainer for about a year though, so I feel comfortable without constant video and just the short instructional ones on the app.
NTC
Nike Training Club is amazing and mostly free and has gotten better with time.
But also please note that even if it’s guy-centric and made to bulk-up unless you’re eating to bulk up or genetically wired to bulk-up, that’s not an easy to-do thing. And if you are interested in core work for more than straightening back/good posture/etc. (i.e., for aesthetics), that’s almost entirely a weights + calorie deficit/macro tracking project.
Anonymous
I know I am years late to this service, but my salon offers a keratin express treatment that I am considering. My hair is curly/wavy, but mostly frizzy, and I’m sick of trying to find the magical combination of products that will make it look more polished. It’s relatively fine and thin, but looks deceptively thick because of the waves. Questions- I went gray very early in life and dye it back to brown- can I still do root touch-ups after I get the keratin done? (otherwise I’m going to look like a skunk with a white streak down my part) Will this cause any long term damage, or will my hair go back to the same texture after 4-6 weeks? Am I expecting too much of a miracle with having nice straight sleek hair? Any advice, comments, or suggestions would be really helpful!
Anon
I know you say you’re done looking for holy grail products, but have you tried a curly cut along with curly girl method? I’ve found that, after straightening my hair with chemicals and heat for 25 years (and after growing out the chemically straightened hair which never bounced back like they said it would), getting a dry curly specialty cut did the most for my waves/curls, as well as following the curly girl method – which is less about which product you use and more about what products you don’t use (i.e. avoiding sulfates, silicones, and alcohols).
If you’re set on keratin treatment, do strong due diligence on the product the stylist is using – the fumes coming out of those things can be toxic if a bad brand is used.
Anon
+1
Anon
I just got one for the first time last week…I got the Keratherapy Creme De Cocoa. It’s made my hair super smooth and manageable. My texture was similar to yours. It is supposed to last 12 weeks, and I can get touch ups. Not sure what the difference is with express, but my treatment took about 3 hours total. I couldn’t wash for 48 hours. Depending on how long it truly lasts, I would do it again. However, if it fades out after a month or two, probably not.
Anon
I have done many treatments. You can still dye your hair with most keratin treatments (not true for Japanese straightening). Yes, it will make your hair magical. For my 3b hair it makes my hair glossy and straight but still have volume. The smell REALLY bothers me though. For me, some fuel returns but for my full curls to come back it has to grow out. I did it for years and ultimately after so long my hair looked meh and I decided to grow it back out curly and now I do a strict cg routine which is also challenging.
Anon
Is your hair straight even without blowdrying it?
Eliza
I’ve been doing Japanese straightening for 16 years and it truly is that magical. It can definitely be done with deposit /low lift coloring. If your hair is thin or fine, keratin may make sense to try first. But don’t discount Japanese. It’s changed my life.
Anon
Yup! When I do it, My hair is straight w/out blow drying it… but I still like to add a little flip with a curling iron- takes 5 min rather than 3hrs.
Of Counsel
You can color your hair after a keratin treatment. I generally get my color and keratin at the same time and then color again every 4 weeks with no issues. Be aware that keratin can lighten some people’s hair (it does mine). My hair magician recommends doing them together or leaving yourself two weeks between. Check before you go.
I love my keratin. My natural hair is a mess – super thick; very frizzy, would curl with the right cut, products, and care but that took forever (and the various “curly girl” resources did not help in the slightest). I needed easy wash and wear hair and keratin gave it to me.
OP
Thank you!! This is so helpful!
Anonymous
Just to offer another POV: I have curly hair and got a keratin express treatment and noticed virtually no difference in my hair. It might be a good first step to see how it works for you but if I did it again I’d probably go full keratin. However, I was not ready to give up my curls completely so I have hesitated to take the next step.
Anonnona
Similarly, no keratin treatment I have ever tried has made a difference on my hair. I’m done with it. Nowhere near me offers Japanese straightening, but at this point, I am just going to straighten when I want it straight and put it up when I don’t have time.
Anon
Wow, i love this dress!
emeralds
Agreed, it’s totally gorgeous. Love.
Vicky Austin
I adore the red one!
lsw
Gorgeous!
Anonymous
so pretty!
Anon
Really? It looks very boring to me. Like, sure, I’d wear it if I felt I didn’t have anything else good in my closet.
Anon
I love the colors. Maybe you don’t like blues?
I would not follow Elizabeth’s advice to “autumn” it by wearing it with a black blazer. That would look terrible to my eye. I’d wear it with more blue, or a silvery gray, or off white. Preferably blue.
anon
I’m planning a trip to Peru in March with my husband and kids. We are planning at least a week and could stay up to 10 days. What do y’all suggest? We are obviously doing Lima and Machu Picchu, which I feel like we could do in a week. What other activities should we add?
Anon
We did a long day trip from Lima down to the southern coast and a fly over the Nazca lines which I highly recommend. The Nazca lines were amazing and it was cool to see the desert and ocean.
Anon
Unless this is a done deal, I would really look into the weather in March. My understanding is that this is the peak of the rainy season in the Andes, and a lot of things may be closed. For example– I know the Inca Trail is closed in March. The rain also affects visibility at Macchu Picchu. The rain/fog normally clears in mid-May. We went in late May, and everyone we met that had gone the week before said they couldn’t see anything.
Highly recommend spending more time in the Sacred Valley to see some of the less crowded ruins and do some sort of hiking near Machu Picchu or on part of the Inca Trail. We loved Ollantaytambo and were not crazy about Cuzco (too American/European). We loved Lima. We also went to Lake Titicaca from Cuzco and went on a boat cruise to some of the communities on the lake.
Panda Bear
This was ages ago but I enjoyed a horseback riding trip we took in Cuzco.
Flats Only
We had one week (Saturday to Saturday) and this is what we did. (We are on the east coast) Day 1 – Fly to Lima, arrive late evening. Day 2 – Fly to Cuzco, stroll around to acclimatize. Day 3 – Day trip from Cusco to Sacred Valley. Day 4 – Guided tour of Cusco and close by ruins (Sacsayhuaman, etc.). Day 5 – Hiram Bingham train to Macchu Picchu, MP tour. Overnight at Sanctuary Lodge. Day 6 – More time at MP, train back to Cuzco arriving in the evening. Overnight in Cusco. Day 7 – Fly from Cusco to Lima. Lima sightseeing. Day 8 – Flight back to U.S. For flights, consider Avianca – we got a great deal on business class seats, changing planes in San Salvador, so the two long days of flying weren’t too awful.
With only a week or 10 days you will be challenged to do the Inca Trail, which I think is at least 4 days of hiking. If I had an extra day I would do as mentioned and take a long day from Lima to see the Nazca lines.
The altitude in Cuzco is no joke – get something called Chloroxygen from Amazon and take it before the trip – I did and was out of breath but never got nausea/headaches that others got from the altitude. Get a packet of coca candies and pop them as needed, and drink all the coca tea you’re offered – coca really helps.
Anon
We went in late Feb (also rainy season) and had an amazing amazing time, with the rain not affecting our travel almost at all.
My thoughts – there’s not much to do in Lima but fly in and out. There’s some old colonial buildings, a few museums, and a bit of a hipster restaurant scene. I’d keep your time in the city *really* limited. I’m surprised to see other another poster loved it.
Cusco is great as a home base. Stuff to see and do there, plus close driving distance to many other great ruins. We hired a driver through KBPeru and had a 10/10 experience visiting Pisac, Maras, Moray and Ollantaytambo. We spent a night in Ollantaytambo and it was great for visiting the ruins there the following morning (some of our fav). Getting to Machu Picchu for the morning require an overnight in Aguas Calientes, which is not a great place to stay at all. We got tickets to climb Huyana Picchu in the first group (8 AM???) – totally totally worth it. The hike itself is beautiful and lush (in the rainy season), the ruins are cool, and you may get a great view of Macchu Pichu. We had so much fog initially, but we waited at the top for about an hour and then it parted and was magical.
People always seem to want to “hike to Machu Pichu” – I don’t know why, as you don’t see very much on the way. The trail being closed shouldn’t sway your decision making IMO. There’s plenty of other hiking you can do – for instance, you can physically hike up to Machu Pichu from Aguas Calientes (and down!) to avoid taking the bus.
I wish we had scheduled more time in Peru – I would have seen more ruins in the Cusco area (look up the Boleto Turistico for a good list…), gone down to the Nazca lines, and north to the desert. This would have required more airplane trips – Peru is not a small place!
Also, seriously, the altitude is no joke. The way you react is NOT based on fitness or age or anything. I am very physically fit and was easily winded by climbing stairs for the first 2-3 days in Cuzco. If you have the time, it’s est to let yourself acclimate or plan the trip so you step up in altitude slowly. Of course that’s not very practical since most people need to fly into Cusco from Lima, and Cusco is the highest altitude area you are likely to be in.
Anon
Second the comment on the altitude. I was in very good shape at the time, DH not so much. We did a 10 mile hike where I had to keep stopping because I got winded so easily. DH had no issues but then the next day was so sore from climbing, he could barely walk. I also overdid it the first day in Cuzco (had gone to Ollantaytambo first and was acclimated there) and ended up with an altitude migraine– which I really don’t recommend.
I’m the poster that enjoyed Lima– I think it’s a cool city (though have heard this is highly dependent on the neighborhood you’re in). However, it’s not really what you’re going to Peru for. Also, I’m not really sure what I would do there with kids– it’s mainly a cool food scene + street art type of place.
Anonymous
Piggybacking on the altitude comments, I would pack Advil PM (or the like) because I had a ton of trouble sleeping without it while there. I also needed a full day to adjust. And be careful drinking, it may have just been me, but I felt like I got drunker faster at that altitude (on just one beer!).
NYCer
I would add in a couple days in Cusco and the Sacred Valley (we stayed near Ollantaytambo).
Anon
Lima is pretty meh, I wouldn’t spend more than a day there. I would spend the bulk of your time in Cuzco and the Sacred Valley – so many cool things to do there with museums and Inca sites. Morena’s Kitchen is an excellent restaurant in Cuzco, highly recommend. You can get diamox (prescription) if you’re worried about the altitude. CDC recommends the typhoid vaccine for Peru travel, also you’ll need yellow fever if you go into the Amazon region.
Anonymous
What would you wear to a $175 pp “gala” on a Thursday at 5:30 PM? It is the first annual, so no photos from past years. Major northeastern city. I’m thinking of wearing a black sheath dress to work and swapping in a colorful blazer with interesting accessories? I won’t have time to go home to change.
Anonymous
That’s exactly what I do.
A.
Black sheath, big dangly sparkly earrings and an equally sparkly pair of shoes and a clutch. Ta da!
Ellen
Black Sheathe all the way with 4” pumps will make you the center of attention. Go for it?
Strawberry
No one else will have time to change either, so you’re definitely safe in a sheath dress. Would do more fun/sparkly shoes & accessories. If your normal bag is a giant tote, would switch to a clutch or something smaller (at the high end, I think like a Chanel classic flag would be perfect here).
anon
I like the black sheath dress but wouldn’t add a blazer. I think that’s too work-adjacent. Just fun jewelry and maybe different shoes.
Anonymous
+1
lsw
I agree; I’d consider adding a scarf/wrap or a bold, colorful necklace.
Anon
Galas at 5:30 on a weeknight are always going to be dressy business/cocktail because the majority of people will be coming straight from work (unless it’s a “ladies who lunch” sort of deal). I’d go with a sheath dress, and throw on some nice jewlery, shawl/fancy blazer, and fun heels and call it a day. No one is going to be in traditional gala wear. And to be frankly honest most of the working men and women will be in exactly what they wore to work.
Source: I used to throw these sorts of events as an event planner.
Anon
Nice black sheath with blazer for work. Then swap out jewelry and add bold lipstick.
Anon
The only thing I don’t like about Megan Markle is her character on Suits!
Markle mess
I paid attention to the tabloids at the grocery store checkout this week. They are so anti-Markle! It could be perhaps that there is a grain of truth to the complaints (it would not be unusual, I think, for an outsider to ruffle feathers in the british royal family). But my inner conspiracy theorist wonders if the House of York isn’t pumping out the hate, trying to invent a villainess, which would deflect the spotlight from the nasty piece of work that is Prince Andrew. THAT sort of thing would never surprise me.
Anonymous
They are definitely trying to distract from the Andrew situation by planting anti- Markle stories. Lainey Gossip is the best source I’ve seen on the Andrew stories – she’s pretty clearly trying to help Markle by keeping the focus on Andrew’s antics (Lainey works with Ben Mulrooney whose kids were page boys/flower girls at the wedding)
Anonymous
Nah the tabloids have been out to get meghan for years. If you want a conspiracy theory Beatrice’s engagement announcement is conveniently timed. And her ring is stunning.
Anonymous
Also agree on Bea’s timing. That guy seems a bit dodgy. Pretty sure I feel bad for her, pretty ring notwithstanding.
Vicky Austin
Yeah, something felt off/rushed there. Poor Beatrice.
Cat
I’m all for equal opportunity criticism. Andrew is ridiculous but Meghan’s behavior is incredibly self-promoting. From her entirely unnecessary unbuttoned coat & pregnancy announcement at Eugenie’s wedding to her “calling them private but bringing along her own photographer for press later” engagements in South Africa to her “all I post is pictures of myself” Insta, I’m tired of her.
Anonymous
Oh go jump in a well. She didn’t announce her pregnancy at the wedding, her insta is full of interesting pictures not if herself, and private engagements are a term of trade- they aren’t secret and are usually photographed but are not made public to avoid spectacle and security concerns. Kate does them all the time.
Anonymous
Kate is just better at this. She’s had longer to learn and more practice. And I can’t recall anything really awkward that she has done (re: weird coat situation at Eug’s wedding — that totally jumped out at me and I bet Fergie was LIVID).
Cat
We can disagree on our opinions of Meghan’s behavior without that tone, thanks.
Anonymous
No we can’t. I think your critique is racist.
Cat
Disliking one woman is not racism or misogyny.
Anonymous
I have a feeling that any positive Markle press is like poison to Fergie (to be fair, I don’t know either, but Markle can be a good/accessable dresser). And I think that any Markle misstep is magnified by the York faction, but if the press is busy trashing her, that means they can’t be talking about Randy Andy.
TBH, Markle should probably adopt the friendly-benign-unremarkable stance of say the Swedish royal family over how she currently is. Doing nothing of note and focusing on your baby wouldn’t be a bad thing. Then we can burn Prince Andrew and by the time we pay attention to you again you’ll have figured out your A game.
Anonymous
I think Meaghan’s prominence on this tour has the full support of Buckingham Palace. They are concerned about Commonwealth continuity after QEII passes and the focus in Africa is on securing the continued support of African Commonwealth countries for after QEII passes, hence the enhanced role for both Meaghan and Harry (who has always had a close relationship with African Commonwealth countries since his gap year).
LaurenB
“Unnecessarily unbuttoned coat”? How … odd.
Anonymous
Yup. So easy to hate the black princess for existing in the world.
Senior Attorney
This.
Anonymous
It was a spring-weather wedding. No one else had a coat on, much less one buttoned up to the chin. It was telegraphing “I am hiding something.” I think that I am shorter than her and with my first pregnancy, you really couldn’t tell I had a passenger at that point, especially if you are in a fancy frothy wedding confection. An unbutton topper would have kept a chilly person warm, but have been much less “NOTHING TO SEE HERE; NOTHING TO SEE HERE”. But no one else even seemed to look like they dressed to avoid a chill.
I am not a royal watcher (but I click on go fugyourself when I am bored at my kids’ swim practices) and even I remember this.
Anon
Seriously, what a weird take. And good grief, she did not “announce” her pregnancy at someone else’s wedding. How dare a pregnant woman not have a perfectly flat stomach or clothes that fit perfectly over a bump that is growing literally every day. Words have meaning and you do not “announce” a pregnancy unless you use the words “I’m pregnant” which she did not do at a wedding.
Anon
Lol, God forbid she was hot or her belly expanded faster than she expected and it wouldn’t button. People are ridiculous. Whoever posted that I’m sure was scandalized if anyone had any significant life event the same month as her wedding or baby shower. Get over yourself.
Anon
Lol man your panties are in a twist. So she can’t be pregnant in public anymore? What was she supposed to do, wear a tent to the wedding? Obvi the royals are held to a different standard than us regs, but you seem the type that would be upset about this in real life – other people’s productive plans have nothing to do with anyone else. She’s 37 for pete’s sake, she was trying to make the most of her more fertile years.
And shame on your for being mad at an effort at good press by 1) a former actress and 2) someone trying to bring attention to African aide (who was ejected to the continent by her brother in law in the first place).
All this to say, go jump in a lake.
Anon
I’m not a huge Meghan fan but the tone of your comments is incredibly misogynistic. It’s really not that shocking that a woman in her first trimester would wake up and not be able to button her coat one morning, and you do not announce a pregnancy simply by showing up to an event with your coat unbuttoned. This notion that Meghan was trying to steal Eugenie’s thunder is just crazy and plays into that toxic patriarchal notion that all women secretly hate each other and are trying to undermine each other.
Anonymous
The coat was buttoned up conspicuously when no one else even had a coat on.
Cat
It was widely reported that she used her actual words to tell the family she was pregnant at the wedding. The coat approach IMHO was used to invite public speculation before the public announcement.
Anyway, she rubs me the wrong way with the way she tends to use people, transactional celebrity friendships, etc. Maybe I’m alone here in disliking her but she comes across very inauthentic to me.
Anonymous
She told members of her family about her pregnancy privately in person while they were all in one place for the wedding. She did not make a big announcement at the wedding. You come across as real racist.
Anon
I think if you want to be authentic you don’t marry into the British royal family.
Anon
You know 98% of what tabloids print is garbage, right? Just because it was widely reported doesn’t make it true.
Anon
@anon at 11:05, I think that’s definitely a line crossed – I wouldn’t call someone a racist just because they don’t like a celebrity. It could be celebrity hate thing. Or Cat is a weirdly but harmlessly royal watcher and doesn’t like royals not adhering to “tradition”. Both of those things are harmless albeit somethign she might need to work on.
Could part of it be that women of color are judged more harshly across the board for everything they do and Cat is one of those people that does? Probably at least a bit.
But it’s a bit much to call someone a racist based on a couple online forum comments.
Anon
In what world is it racist to say announcing your pregnancy at somebody else’s wedding is rude? I absolutely think it’s important to recognise that some of the criticism she receives is dog whistle racism, but that doesn’t mean anyone saying a word against her is a racist misogynist. She’s made a significant number of missteps.
Anonymous
I want to like her and I do think she’s very committed to her patronages (and previously, to doing lots of great stuff to address worthy causes but I do think she comes across as very tone deaf on some things. Like, re-doing your engagement ring (which was made with Welsh gold!) and the whole business about flying private twice in one month when you/your husband are committed to fighting climate change. I don’t know if it’s true that she asked not to be photographed at Wimbledon since she was there as a “private guest” but if so, that’s cray. You are a member of the British Royal Family. Literally nothing that you do is private.
anon
It shocks me that you think you’re in a position to judge the authenticity of her relationships from “information” you are gleaning from tabloids and instagram. This whole “coat approach” theory is inane speculation and I certainly hope you don’t analyze the behaviors of your actual friends this way.
Anon
Posing for photographs with her pregnant belly cradled in a movie award function was display of real low class. Same with an other official photograph in a foreign country (with their government officials) where she was visiting early in her pregnancy. Oh, the staff that quit in droves, must be real pleasant people (Harry included) to work with.
LaurenB
Here’s the thing. She went to my college and while I didn’t know her, I do know people who know her. And they don’t find her “fake” or “inauthentic” at all! But, you read the National Enquirer and US, so you’re more likely up on things about her.
LaurenB
Objecting to a pregnant woman cradling her stomach is strange. I remember being pregnant with twins and I always cradled my stomach like that. It was comforting and felt better. Pregnant women do that all the time; there’s nothing noteworthy or show-offy about it.
Anonymous
How can you even compare Andrew’s behavior, which is allegedly soliciting children for sex and being chummy with a convicted sex offender and probable sex trafficker, to Meghan’s “supposed” self-promoting behavior. That is where racism comes into play–pretending that these two issues are somehow equally “ridiculous.”
Anon
Yeah, this. It’s not misogynistic or racist to say you didn’t like XYZ thing Meghan did or allegedly did. It’s misogynistic or racist to imply her behavior (even if true that she’s a narcissistic brat) is even remotely on par with a white man trafficking and abusing underage girls.
Anon
+1,000,000,000,000
Yeah, he’s a rapist but she’s being uppity amirite
Senior Attorney
So much this. For heaven’s sake there is actual video footage of Andrew at Epstein’s house saying toodle-oo to an underage girl in the morning.
TO Junior
Equal opportunity criticism?! Even if I were to agree with you about Meghan, I do not understand how any of what you have attributed to her is in any way equal to what Andrew is at the very least KNOWN to have done, which is continuing to associate with a convicted pedophile, let alone what he is accused of doing. How on earth can anyone actually equate the two??
Ribena
It’s just a continuation of using Meghan-bashing to distract from William’s behaviour, especially in the UK press which hasn’t printed any of the William stuff.
Anonymous
They’re a lot more concerned about Andrew than William right now. Anything William was up to pales in comparison. Separate witnesses put Andrew at three of Epstein’s property, including post-conviction.
Anon
Where can I read about this?? I’m in the US!
Anonymous
The rumors of having an affair with the country-neighbor person?
I feel like the Yorks would have made sure that the tabloids ran with it if there were much there there. Also, it is easier to point out Meghan’s missteps b/c they are much more public than William’s (presumed) missteps.
Anon
What’s William’s behavior?
Anonymous
Allegedly he had an affair but not convinced it isn’t just the Yorks trying to take him down a peg or two. There’s a movement to have the Queen, direct heir and his heirs (William and Harry) be the only ‘professional’ royals and get the others off the public purse and Andrew apparently wants his girls to have royal jobs too.
Anon
I don’t know why, but I find this all so fascinating!
Anon
I assume she means his rumored affair.
Anonymous
Do any of you have a bucket list? If yes, what is on it and what’s left? I realized this weekend that I don’t have many long term goals (other than partnership, and expect to make partner at a lifestyle/midsize firm in the next year, and eventually have a nest egg). I’m 30, single, no kids, and expect to stay this way.
Anonome
To take a frame-worthy landscape photograph on every continent.
H13
Learn to sew on a sewing machine and make myself some clothes
Learn to skateboard
Become a hospice volunteer
Anon
Lots of travel stuff, including visiting every continent. That’s the only thing I really think of as a bucket list although I have lots of other life goals that are more important (raise good humans, save well for retirement, stay married, etc.)
Anon
Visit every continent
I’m still working on making my list, but here are a few things from it:
Visit all 50 states and 13 provinces/territories in Canada
Visit all US national parks
Have kids and watch them grow up
Do a triathlon
volunteer with a conservation organization after retirement/raising kids
Anonymous
Do a Sprint triathlon
Run a marathan
Learn a new language with a non- Latin alphabet (like Arabic or Mandarin )
Try pottery
Visit Japan
Visit South America
Visit India
Learn to paint
Get back into writing
Improve my French enough to read some fav books in original language
Learn to sea kayak
Learn to rock climb (indoor at least, still kinda scared of outdoor)
Improve swimming ability enough to try surfing
Improve skiing ability enough to ski black diamond runs with DH
I have three kids including one with special medical needs so I’m trying to be realistic about easy or not easy some of these things may be to do for my life situation but I still like having a list as it keeps me thinking about trying new things.
Vicky Austin
Re: reading in French, I definitely recommend just jumping in, especially if it’s a favorite book/one you’ve read before. You’d be surprised what your brain can fill in!
Anonymous
live on a houseboat and plant tomatoes and someday write a novel or feel creative again. i’ve planted tomatoes.
pugsnbourbon
Oh man, living on a houseboat is a secret dream of mine. I hope we both get there!
coffee
Visit all 50 states before I turn 50.
Be a tourist in my own town/state/region. We all rush to plan expensive trips abroad but often forget to check out the attractions in our own backyards.
Anon
Any recs for European destinations that are likely to be not super crowded or unbearably hot in early August? It’s my least favorite time of year to travel there, but unfortunately our toddler’s daycare closes for a week and a half then, so we’re sort of stuck taking our big vacation at that time.
Sarabeth
I would go north. Sweden, Norway, Denmark? Iceland will be crowded but if you go to the northern part of the country it won’t be as bad (and the whale watching is better). Maybe Scotland, though beware the midges if you are in the countryside. Cumbria/Northumberland in the UK.
Sarabeth
Also, I know you asked about Europe, but if you are in North America I’d actually strongly consider going to Canada.
Anonymous
Montreal? Best of both worlds — seems European for the western hemisphere, but time-zone friendly.
Anon
Unless you’re in the northern parts, Canada is hot in August!
Anon
An area like Banff/Lake Louise would not be super hot in August (and is not in Northern Canada). As an aside, I would also HIGHLY recommend a trip there, even with kiddos :)
Anonymous
Omg what? No part of Canada is ever “unbearably” hot.
OP
Thanks. Many cities in Canada are weekend trips for us (we’re going to Montreal next month for 4 days) and since we’ll have 11-12 days to travel in August we want to go somewhere that we can’t do in a weekend. At this stage in our live, we prefer visiting cities to nature areas since we don’t enjoy hiking with our toddler (I know many people do, but we don’t). I’ve been to Banff and it is beautiful but we’ll save that kind of thing for when our toddler is older and can hike on her own.
Anonymous
Cities in Europe in August will be busy. There’s no way around that. Scandanavian countries will be cooler and slightly less busy. Northern coast of Germany and Denmark will also be touristy but not necessarily overcrowded.
Never too many shoes...
Anonymous at 10:05 am – what even, girl? Toronto/Ottawa/Montreal can all be extremely hot in the summer. Add in the soupy humidity and it can feel like 104… perhaps you have a different definition of unbearable than the rest of us? Because those temps are hot as balls.
Anonymous
Bless your sweet Canadian heart but nah. Canada is not unbearably hot to this New Yorker.
Anon
G00gle says the average high in Toronto in August is 80. Ottawa and Montreal have highs in the upper 70s at that time of year. That’s not unbearably hot to this Midwesterner. Most of Europe should also be fine, but I would say that places like Rome and Athens where the average high is between 85 and 90 are too hot, especially if you’re a tourist who wants to spend all day walking around.
Anon
Anon @ 10:42 – that’s not including the humidity. Toronto, Ottawa and Montreal have horrible humidity in the summer where the “feels like” temperature is more like 100.
Anon
I’m familiar with humidity. The Midwestern US is more humid than the Northeastern US/Canada. 80 and humid is still not that bad unless you live in California or someplace like that and have no tolerance for humidity at all.
kplondon
I’ve lived in Montreal, Toronto and NY – NY is the most unbearably hot, but Montreal and Toronto can definitely be unbearably hot too!
Anonymous
Switzerland, the Dolomites, the Baltic Coast. None of them will be empty of tourists but plenty of room to spread out and beautiful weather. I’d also consider renting a house in Normandy for a week.
Anonymous
I went to the Tuscan coast this year and it was better than I expected for crowds. Normally we only do Italy in June to avoid the crowds. But we avoided the bigger spots like Pisa and Florence and just hung out in small towns near the beach.
Anonymous
Scotland or Ireland
Amelia Bedelia
We just went to Portugal this past August. it was fantastic. it was warm, but not unbearably hot. and in southern Portugal the water was COLD! we really, really loved it. it is high season, but we never felt it was unbearably crowded.
Ribena
If you do Scotland, be aware that we host the world’s largest arts festival in Edinburgh all August. You’d be surprised how many people show up without knowing that and just wonder why the hotel was so expensive. Personally I’d look at Scandinavia; the fjords are supposed to be spectacular, and I’d want to save Edinburgh in August for when my kids were old enough to enjoy the comedy.
NYCer
Switzerland is spectacular in the summer. Lugano, Geneva, Zurich, Interlaken, the list could go on and on…
Anon
Helsinki, or Finland in general, will certainly not be unbearably hot in august. A warm day in Helsinki in August is 66 F. It’s a lovely and interesting city. The rest of Scandinavia will be fairly cool as well, but slightly warmer.
KP
I’d do Vail,Co. Toddlers just want your attention, not lots of action.
OP
Oh, I know the toddler doesn’t care where we go! But my husband and I want to go to Europe and she’s a good traveler.
Anonymous
Big budget: Scandinavia
Small budget: Baltics. The main cities can get a bit crowded in summer, but I highly recommend renting a car and exploring – did this solo in Estonia recently and loved it; plenty of non-crowded coastline, islands, and forests.
EM84
Easy – I second to go to Scotland (so far, my favorite destination) or Poland. Poland is very underrated, but it has some beautiful cities and landscapes. Everyone who comes to visit me (expat here) and is willing to do smal trips here, is amazed and returned at least once. Check Wroclaw, Poznan, Krakow, Gdansk (you can go to the beach and to unique sand dunes), Mazury lakes, Beskydy mountains, even Warsaw is interesting. Food is great, people are warm, summers are warm and sunny. And unless here is a festival, crowded Polish city is always 10x less crowded that Prague.
Anonymous
Over the weekend, my best friend from college told me that he fell in love with me. We dated a couple years ago but broke up, mostly due to distance (I moved 6 hours away, in an area of the country where a flight isn’t available). I still care about him but I don’t know what to do – I’m building a life in the new community and not planning to move. Should I initiate a follow up conversation, or just keep on as normal? We’re 33. If he lived closer I would probably be interested, but it feels weird to say “move here and I’ll think about it”…
Lilliet
I think if you want to be kind you spell it out for him knowing you may risk losing the friendship. From experience, when best friends disclose they are in love with you, nothing will ever be the same no matter how much you try. In the words of T.Swift, “I love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?”
Anonymous
Do you like him? I think it’s at least worth talking about! Maybe you start with just what you wrote here- you’re committed to where you live and aren’t sure how distance could work. Maybe he visits for a weekend and you see if you wanna bang or not. And then see if it’s worth it to you to continue.
Worry about yourself
I think I would just be honest with him and say “I appreciate you being honest with me about your feelings. While I do think you’re a great person who will no doubt make someone very happy, I live in [your location] now and I’m trying to establish a new life for myself here, and I really don’t think I can do a long-distance relationship at this point in my life. I hope we can stay friends.”
If he interprets that as “there’s still a chance,” you can be a little more blunt and spell out that you do not want to pursue a romantic relationship with him.
Sarabeth
Would you be interested if he moved out to you? Presumably he knows the score – you dated, and broke up because of the distance once already. I’d assume moving to you has at least crossed his mind. If you’d be interested in that, I think it’s entirely reasonable to ask where his head is.
anon
What’s the context of his telling you he fell in love with you? Was he hoping to get back together? Does he want to do something about it? If that’s the case and you’re open to giving him another go if he moves to your city, then be frank about it. But if he’s not willing to move, and you’re not willing to get into a ldr then also be frank about that. Either way just have an honest talk about your wants and expectations.
kplondon
OP – was the context “I was in love with you in the past” or “I am in love with you now”?
Op
I couldn’t tell. Honestly. And I was so surprised that I didn’t ask. We were at his family’s house for dinner and we were washing dishes together after we ate, with the rest of his family in the den. We were joking around as usual, he leaned down, kissed me, told me that, and I stood there for a second …and then his mom walked in. It was the most movie like experience I have ever had, minus the total lack of closure because I had to leave shortly thereafter for my trip home and we didn’t have a chance to be alone after.
Irish Midori
The romantic in me wants you to go for it. :-) But that’s no reason to live your life a certain way. If you know you want to “settle down” at some point, and you’re just waiting for it to hit you like a bus, consider that sometimes you have to make a move to chase the bus. What are the odds you’d regret it if you never found out?
Anonymous
I had a similar movie-esque situation a few months ago. A friend from my chorus was chatting with me and randomly kissed me. I’ve known him several years and never knew he was interested, though. He said he’d wanted to do that for awhile, hoped it was ok, and started apologizing when he saw my shock. I was both confused at the randomness of it and feeling “awww” because it was something out of a movie and I’ve been socialize to think it should be sweet.
Anyway, we went on 2 dates after that, and I just didn’t feel the chemistry. I want to be friends. Now, it is rather awkward. I wish he had never done it. I don’t want to hang out with him.
I share this because you, too, may be have been socialized to think a random kiss is a grant romantic gesture, but it felt extremely weird to me and hurt our friendship.
Anonymous
Why did you break up instead of working through the distance all those years ago? Was there was some unchangeable circumstance that prevented either of you from moving, but now that’s changed? I feel like… if you were such a great match, and there was a way to work through things, then that would’ve happened when you were together. Or maybe you would’ve come back together pretty quickly when you realized you’d made a mistake. To try to unring that bell years later is… odd. I’d want to know what’s changed.
So Anon
Has anyone done Krav Maga or a similar type self-defense or exercise class? Any feedback? I am coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship and really want to gain a sense of confidence. I’m a runner and in decent shape, but looking for something that is practical and beyond a 2 hour self-defense class.
Lilliet
I’m sorry I’m no help on your actual question, and so sorry to hear about your relationship (but super supportive that you are out of it!). If you’re in need of some good laughs, the only thing I ever think of when I hear Krav Maga is Paris from Gilmore Girls and her boyfriend Doyle… S06E11 is one scene.
Anon
I did it in college with girlfriends for a PE class. I don’t think I really got anything out of it in terms of self-defense, but it was definitely fun and empowering.
DCR
I take a women’s kickboxing class twice a week. I wouldn’t say I’m leaning self-defense, but it does make me stronger and is an opportunity to get some aggression out
emeralds
I did a six-week Krav Maga intro class over the winter. It was 100% outside of my comfort zone but I enjoyed the challenge of doing something totally new (also a runner, also in decent shape, had never done a martial art in my life). I also had some pretty heavy stuff going on in my personal life at the time, and it was indeed cathartic to go to class twice a week and just beat the sh*t out of things for an hour and a half. So I would say to go for it!
My biggest piece of advice would just to be patient with yourself if it takes a while to catch onto things. I’m not the most coordinated (runner, hi!) and I feel like it took me a lot more reps to get the movements and sequences right than most of the other people in class. But that’s okay! Your instructors should always be available for help, and you can drill things on your own if you want to.
I haven’t continued with it, since I liked it but didn’t capital-l love it, but I definitely got what I wanted to get out of the experience. And I do think I’d be more prepared to handle myself if someone ever tried to come at me.
Anon.
I would consider taking up Tae Kwon Do or any other martial arts class that includes sparring/boxing/kicking.
I have a black belt and honestly I think that you have to practice the movements A LOT to stay proficient. No amount of practicing to bring someone down to the floor with some sort of ninja-magic will be more efficient than poking eyes, hitting on ears, stomping on foot etc. when facing someone physically larger and stronger. For example: You can throw your jacket/bag or even a pack of tissues at someone coming at you – distracts them and gives you 3 more seconds to run.
The two most useful things self-defense and martial arts classes teach you are, IMO:
1. Using your voice to say NO, or scream. Women are conditioned from early childhood to not be loud and shout and scream – martial arts teach to you lose these inhibitions and be aggressive in a structured way.
2. To be aware of your surroundings, situations, unusual “weapons” (see above) you could use if ever attacked.
Senior Attorney
Not Krav Maga but I did mixed martial arts (before mixed martial arts was a thing) seriously for 10 years in my 30s and 40s and it was fantastic. I loved everything about it and highly recommend it.
And congratulations on leaving your abusive relationship!!
Anon
Business casual.
Anon
The pants make it more casual.
Anonymous
This. Replacing the pants with same-material suiting pants would make it formal. The light pants are high maintenance — likely to get stained, need to be pressed/dry cleaned. It’s what I don’t like about casual — spendy, labor-intensive, not as professional.
Z
There’s a letter in AAM this morning asking if he can fire a new employee for not disclosing that she’s pregnant. What a world that we’re still dealing with jerks who think they can do this.
Lilliet
I read that more as a LW who is pregnant looking for reassurance that she doesn’t have to disclose, FWIW. I still agree that it’s idiotic we’re living in a world with jerks where this is still a concern. Some of the letters seem so weird, and then I think about if it’s the person on the other side of the issue trying to get the tea about the situation from the other perspective.
Cat
What? The letter is literally written by a person (presumably a man) asking if he can fire a pregnant woman:
“I have taken a employee on and after four weeks work she has told me she is almost five months pregnant and did not say so at the interview because she’d been told that no one would employ her. I feel lied to. Do I have any rights in this issue? Can I terminate her or legally do I have to keep her on?”
Cat
Oh – Lilliet, I just realized you mean the letter writer made it up and is actually a 4-mos pregnant woman? I guess that could be the case but why bother with the lie?
Worry about yourself
That suspicion didn’t cross my mind! I guess it’s possible, but at least on AAM we’re supposed to give letter writers the benefit of the doubt and not say things like “this is obviously fake, no one does this” or “the letter writer is obviously the ____ in this situation looking for validation.” Like, just because you’re in disbelief doesn’t mean it didn’t actually happen. Crazy stuff happens all the time!
Lilliet
One time in a comment Alison suggested she suspects this from some of the letters she receives, and she still publishes the one that she answers because we are supposed to give them the benefit of the doubt. I hadn’t thought of it like that until she said it, and so when it seems so off-base and weird, sometimes from that perspective it makes a crazy/hateful/awful situation seem to make more sense… It’s a reach I know. But when reading that this morning I was like “I really hope this is a 4-mo pregnant woman who FINALLY got a job but is worried about how her boss will feel and is looking for validation that she is totally okay.” And in that view point, Alison validated her and gave her, I hope, the confidence to continue with her job and not feel bad about the pregnancy.
Lilliet
Re: “why bother with the lie?” sometimes it’s helpful/reassuring to know the advice/reaction that would be given to the other side.
Anon
As someone who has positions out for hire- it took me a VERY long time to get here and I need these people on board as soon as possible. If I hired someone, started training, just for them to be out pregnant (when they knew and didn’t disclose it)- it would definitely rub me the wrong way. However, if it was disclosed and the person was the right candidate, I would not have a problem.
Lilliet
Then you’re one in a million! And, a woman who is being hired just doesn’t know who is sitting across the table from her. So, I’m team keep it a secret and be an otherwise amazing A+ employee to “make up for it” even though there is nothing to make up for, technically.
Anon
You’re a better person than most. It is absolutely in women’s best interest to keep their pregnancy a secret until after the offer is made BECAUSE hiring managers would be upset if a woman went on leave a few months after starting. That is absolutely a reason some women don’t get hired if interviewing while pregnant (and some people discriminate against married women during childbirth years for that same reason – for just the potential). And if interviewing in first trimester – why would she tell her employer before her family and friends?
In any case, a manager who is particularly evil could fire her before leave on a contrived reason because of no FMLA coverage.
anon
No FMLA coverage just means that she wouldn’t have job protection under FMLA for maternity leave, so she may have to come back earlier than she would otherwise. She still legally has protection against pregnancy and sex discrimination.
Anon
How would disclosure make any difference? If you need them “on board as soon as possible” and the right candidate is pregnant, whether they tell you in the interview or not does not affect your timeline or onboarding.
Disclosure might make you feel better, but it doesn’t change the situation and would very likely bias you into thinking “oh, they just weren’t the right candidate–but if they were, the pregnancy wouldn’t matter because I don’t discriminate.”
Anon
OP- Because good help is hard to find. I could plan for it if I knew, instead of being left in a lurch. My positions require a high degree of trust so not telling me would make a big difference.
Lilliet
If your hiring and jobs are so specialized with a “high degree of trust” then I don’t think it’s fair to extrapolate your experience onto all women interviewing while pregnant. Also, it would be interesting to know what job several months notice that someone is going on mat leave is being “left in a lurch.” I think I get what you’re trying to say, but your attitude and the way you are discussing this is why women keep it a secret.
Anon
You’re obviously looking for reasons to discriminate against pregnant women. I am as conservative as they come, but making the next generation is a difficult process that benefits everyone (presumably, you want someone paying for your Medicare when you are 85). Cut the nonsense.
Anon
Not telling you she’s pregnant isn’t a breach of trust, though, because you have no right to know that.
Anon
And I am not talking about interview- I am talking about upon offer.
Anon
That still doesn’t affect your onboarding or timing. She would still need X amount of training and Y leave, which doesn’t change if she tells you immediately vs. after a few weeks (like the letter on AAM).
Seafinch
Casual as you say. Veering upward but not quite there.
Anon
I’m going to ask for a raise at my yearly review at the end of the year, and I’m working on crafting my proposal and figuring out a number. I am in my second year at a small law firm; this is not my first legal job. In a firm, is salary generally connected to the revenue an associate brings to the firm via client billing? If so, what is a fair percentage?
Smol Law Math
if you can add up your total billables – (out the door is really the number you need, but if you only have your pre-billing amount, hopefully you’ll get close enough)
33.3% of that $number out the door is about what the firm will be looking to give you.
Work Etiquette
My grandmother passed away this past weekend, and the funeral is in 2 weeks overseas. My work offers 5 days for bereavement, and I’d like to go. HOWEVER, last week another company started pursuing me, had a phone interview wednesday & thursday, job offer friday – they asked for my salary requirements and I plan on negotiating today. I’m fairly confident about the offer, I’m expecting that by Friday I will turn in my 2 weeks notice.
That puts my last day of work after the funeral, so I would submit my 2 week notice, but not be here for it. Can I go without burning bridges? I like my job and my team, I was not looking for a job but it will be a huge pay raise and I don’t expect them to be able to match it. Any advice is appreciated.
Anon
Can you delay your start date to 3 weeks or a month after the offer? That way you can give 2 weeks and take a week off for the funeral.
Work Etiquette
The funeral is Oct 15, so I’d still be at my current job unless I give my 2 weeks today, which I won’t don’t expect to happen.
Anon
Right, but if you get an offer this week, just ask for your start date to be 1 month from today. That way you can take bereavement leave and still have 2+ weeks in your current job to transfer everything over, even if it’s 1 week before the funeral and 1 week after.
Work Etiquette
This makes a lot of sense. Thank you all for your advice. She was 96, lived a very full life, and my husband got to meet her last year for the first time, which I am very grateful for.
Ellen
Go to the funeral and take the job and do not look back. In a month no one will rememberer.
Anonymous
I think your current team will understand — how much wrap-up do you have to do? Bend over backwards to get stuff wrapped up and handed off now. Offer to be back another few days after you get back from the funeral.
thehungryaccountant
+1 I’m sorry for your loss.
Walnut
Late to the party, but I took a week bereavement after giving my notice. I had also been gone just prior to visit the ailing grandparent while they were still alive. There was absolutely no negative reaction that made its way back to me. Take your bereavement and negotiate a start/end date that makes sense independent of it.
A.
Help my family figure out our spring break plans. We have to travel in the last week of March or, ideally, the first week of April. There are five of us: two adults, and three kids ranging in age from 4 to 10. We did Disney last year and have gone to an all-inclusive in Mexico (2x), London, and NYC prior to that. We’re looking for:
– Warm weather for at least a few lazy beach/pool days — but want to intersperse this with activities.
– Fun stuff to do as a family (non-strenuous hikes, sightseeing, interesting public transport options)
– Good food for Mom and Dad (kids don’t care)
– $6K or less excluding food
We’re in the Midwest near two major airport hubs, so it’s pretty easy to get flights. So far we’ve considered Captiva Island, FL; Palm Springs, CA; and Phoenix/Scottsdale/Sedona, AZ. Would love any input or other ideas!
Anonymous
Costa Rica. Go to Arenal and Manuel Antonio.
Anonymous
Ski trip? The kids are at a great age to learn. Mom and Dad can get some kid-free time when the kids are in lessons.
Trixie
We loved Sedona! It is about 1.5 hours from the Phoenix airport, beautiful, and a wide range of hikes. We found it affordable, and our kids loved the day we rented an ATV and went on bumpy dirt roads in the mountains. No beaches, so you will need a hotel with a pool. Take a look at it.
Puerto Rico?
Last spring break we (husband, daughter 14) went to Puerto Rico. We stayed mostly in San Juan but went to Vieques to see the bioluminescent bay. Had a guided tour by sojournpr dot com — that was truly excellent, the guide is just wonderful. IDK about your flight options; from D.C. it’s a quick JetBlue flight.
We took Uber and walked; so this might not check your “public transport” box, but would check the others. The flight to Vieques was a prop plane that kids might like. Took a quick JetBlue flight direct from D.C.; not sure how that would work for you.
Good luck! Can’t wait to see the other ideas!
Cat
+1, also the El Yunque national forest has fun, not-intense walk-hikes with pretty waterfalls and views.
A.
We also considered Puerto Rico but I was overwhelmed by lodging options. Any recommendations?
Anonymous
Me again. Recommend that for San Juan you stay in the Condado neighborhood. You can walk up and down the strip safely, there are grocery stores and a CVS there, and you can use public access to the beach. We stayed at the AC Hotel San Juan Condado on Ashford Ave. It was less pricey than the “real” Marriott down the street, but they gave us wristbands so we could go use that Marriott’s pool and beach access.
All the hotels seem to have a “resort fee,” so be ready for that.
As for Vieques, we stayed in a Home Away property called Casa Violeta, which was charming, except for the rooster crowing all night long.
Recommend a visit to the El Morro castle there. I’m not one for castles but it turned out to be fun and my daughter was able to take some great photos.
Cat
For San Juan check out Numero Uno Beach House — it’s literally on the beach in a chill neighborhood, and is an inexpensive cab or Uber to the old city.
Anon
We always do something for our kids’ spring break around that time. The big risk on the west coast is rain. The most protected place is going to be Palm Springs. My kids loved it. Choose a hotel based on walking places and the pool. Make sure you know when the Dinah is and avoid that week if you can, or at least avoid the big weekend. The crowds are intense.
Anon
But if you want to try a CA beach town, try Carpenteria near Santa Barbara. Rent a condo near the beach, preferably in a complex with a pool. Downtown is an easy walk up the street. Train to get into Santa Barbara is even closer.
NYCer
Late March or early April is iffy beach weather in southern CA. It will no doubt be much, much warmer than the Midwest, but it might not be warm enough to lounge at the pool or beach.
Anonymous
I adore Carp but wouldn’t recommend it for this purpose.
Arizona is a great option. I go to Tucson every March for a conference and it’s pretty reliably sunny and beautiful. Phoenix is great. Check spring training schedules and you might be able to see a game.
Never too many shoes...
I think this exact picture was posted once before!
Anonymous
Put in the bereavement leave now. You don’t have an offer in hand yet and you don’t know their projected start date. It could be that you wouldn’t even give notice until you are back from bereavement leave. It’s not great timing but it’s bereavement leave not vacation leave, you can’t exactly control when people pass away so it would be pretty harsh for them to begrudge you attending a grandparent’s funeral.
Anon
Ok financial planners. I am possibly about to be laid off (company problems, not performance problems).
Age early 50s, $2.5mm household savings in pre-tax Ira/401k type instruments. $750k in other savings post-tax. $2mm equity in house, could downsize and net $1mm (after buying somewhere else to live). HCOL. Two kids to put through college, but in-state tuition room and board already saved and not counted in above.
How much would you budget for healthcare costs? I know all my monthly costs for staying put in this house, and what it might cost short term to relocate. What other out-of-work expenses should I contemplate?
I realize I could be out of work for a year or more and could end up with a lower salary than I have now. I’m not super excited about being the new guy again and grinding to prove my worth for half my current salary. I think I’m significantly burned out. I’m considering anything. Like starting over possibly. Going to grad school (in state) and taking a break from corporate life.
I’d prefer to have $4mm and paid healthcare at retirement but … companies implode. Trying to figure out what to do now. Any advice appreciated.
Anonymous
Are you single / sole worker? FWIW, getting let go can usually let you join a spouse’s health care plan even when it is not open enrollment.
Anon
Married. Spouse is older and on track to retire in months. I’m not going to ask him to keep working.
Anonymous
I knew spouses who delayed retirement for just this situation, esp. for the health insurance / insuring an out of work spouse. At least in the short term, it will save you $$$. It seems possible to do, why not consider it???
Anonymous
Well certainly not grad school!
Anon
Is there a second income in the household or just yours?
Anon
So are you trying to retire early? You probably could on those numbers, so long as you don’t inflate COL – and tbh you should put yourself first, don’t pay for your kid’s college when you aren’t sure if your retirement, and especially healthcare costs, are reasonably confirmed. You can pay their loan off for them later.
On healthcare costs, does your spouse/partner work? Job loss is a qualifying event to hop on spousal insurance. You may also be able to negotiate continued coverage on health care for a specific period of time after lay off. You could also get healthcare on the open market or under the ACA.
On another note, it’s insane that health coverage is tied to employers, we really shouldn’t have to factor potential medical debt into when we retire and where we work. But here we are.
Anon
My spouse is older than me and is set to retire soon. It’s all too much in motion to derail now.
I’m not sure I’m looking to retire as much as get off the corporate merry go round, at least for a while. Maybe work as a barista? Don’t they have healthcare? I agree, it is insane that it’s tied to employment.
Anon
Only Starbucks baristas get healthcare at part time hours. Also, you’ll probably hate it, don’t do that. Other companies that offer healthcare benefits for part time hours – although may need to check: Whole Foods (I heard this may be going away soon though), Fedex, Lowes, Costco, Nike, UPS, Home Depot, JP Morgan Chase, Allegis Group, Red Cross, Kaplan, Lands’ End, REI, Staples, Trader Joes, Warby Parker, Wegman’s, Chicos.
In your situation, I’d definitely semi-retire and work part-time in something somewhat pleasurable but mentally easy (coffee shop, retail, etc. – I know these jobs can be difficult, but they are not mentally taxing and are less stressful when you don’t need the job to make ends meet) , while pursuing hobbies and traveling the rest of the time.
Anonymous
Your spouse should keep working. You have >10 years before you are medicare eligible I think. A lot can happen in 10 years. That now you have to self-insure for.
My cousin got hit by a driver with no license driving someone else’s underinsured car. Their insurance total was $50K. Car owner and driver were judgment proof. $50K is not enough to be hospitalized for anything significant. So can you self-insure for something like that (>1 year in the rehab hospital, countless surgeries, countless surgery revisions, no income, etc.).
Your spouse *should* keep working at least until you get a new job, even if it takes a year or two. You make plans and plans can be changed. This is a circumstance that dictates changing plans.
Anon
Can you get on his insurance before he retires and remain on it after he retires? I’m not sure what you mean by “in motion to derail” unless he’s a business owner – employees just stop working (after setting up benefit things through HR) You will have a qualifying life event that will let you get on his insurance so long as he has it through his employer?
Mpls
COBRA allows you to stay on a retired spouses health insurance for up to 36 months (you get an extension beyond the usual 18 months), but that’s the most you’ve got.
Anon
No specific advice on the healthcare costs, but have you checked out r/fatfire on Reddit? I don’t follow it closely as my numbers are nowhere near enough to FatFIRE but have seen healthcare and other costs discussed repeatedly on that thread from people with similar stats as yours and trying to decide whether to step away from corporate life once they are financially independent. You might get some answers if you post there too.
Anonymous
Can you go on your partner’s healthcare? This is a qualifying event such that it does not have to be open enrollment. Then assess the next steps (buying on the marketplace, whether he/she works a bit longer than originally thought, etc.).
Anon
I believe on Marketplace you can do a search for costs based on criteria you enter (age, smoker, etc.). What’s available to you will vary by state. MIL pays $750 per month on a HDHP in Alabama, which has like one option available to her.
Anon
Check out of any local gov jobs cover healthcare for life after a certain amount of years- that may help the calculus.
My state does after 5 years.
Sarabeth
For healthcare costs, you would presumably qualify for subsidies for a marketplace plan once you are not working and your spouse has retired. I’d budget max OOP for those.
Anon
Go on your spouse’s health insurance, because you will be able to stay on it for 3 years. He can likely delay his own retirement by a few months, which will help.
Take some time to decompress. Look around for jobs. Be selective where you apply. Consider consulting.
Anonymous
Looking for advice. Lately (2-3 weeks) I’ve been really irritable towards my husband and I’m not sure why. Nothing seems to be different. I just feel myself getting overly upset at things like his choice of words (calling my tv show “stupid” for example) and then we start bickering and arguing. This sounds stupid but I don’t know how to make it stop, I want to change my attitude but I don’t know how.
Anonymous
Maybe your husband needs to stop being rude to you.
Anon
+1 Obviously there aren’t a lot of details here, but why is this solely a you problem?
Ellen
Most men are irritating once you no longer find the $ex sustaining. In this era Of sustainability, his inability to sustain his end of the bargain is a show stopper. FOOEY ?
Anonymous
Have you had a date night in a while? That always helps us feel like people who like each other.
Anon
Have you been in the house more often than usual? I tend to get irritable when I can’t get the space or time alone that I need. Going out — even on an errand — may help. Go somewhere where you’ll see other husbands and wives (Home Depot?) and you’ll probably come back feeling lucky and grateful for yours.
asdef
+1 It’s amazing how much nicer my husband seems after I’ve had a nap.
Anon
Are you near your period? I get furious or my husband sometimes and then I’m like… oh.
Every time I’m annoyed I try to say something nice to him. It reminds me its not all bad and like begets like.
Anon
For me that’s usually how other resentment surfaces. Like this week I’ll be trying real hard because he’s going out with work friends on Friday while I take care of the kid. We don’t (yet) have a reverse arrangement but I’ll be looking into one pronto otherwise I’m positive I will make his week hell. (I am aware it is healthy for adults to have friends outside the family, he doesn’t do this often, doesn’t drink much and gets home by 9 but I can’t help myself and the only way for me to not be resentful is to even things out).
Anonanonanon
Honestly, calling something you enjoy “stupid” is pretty rude.
Anon
We need a sleeper sofa for an extra bed at our beach house. Any recs?
Bewitched
I wanted to buy the Room and Board Deco Convertible Sleeper but hubby vetoed it and we ended up with an Article sleeper that’s uncomfortable as a couch. I wish I had stuck with my gut and bought the one I wanted!
Ribena
I have the L-shaped one from Ikea, the Friheten I think? It’s great. I like that instead of a thin mattress, the sofa is the mattress surface.
High School Reunion
Okay this is full on embarrassing that I am putting this much thought into it but my HS reunion is coming up and I want to look good. It’s on a Friday night at a sports bar downtown in a part of the city where young 20-something get way too drunk (sigh). My wardrobe is pretty much MM LaFleur and Costco, with little in between. Willing to spend on a new outfit. Any suggestions for something that will look good but not like I’m trying too hard? Thanks!
Anonymous
Jeans and a cute top.
Worry about yourself
Reminds me of my first high school reunion (and so far, the only one I attended, I skipped the 10-year). It’s honestly a blur, jeans and a cute top is probably a good go-to, I wore a red cotton dress that was flattering without being super dressy, but I think that was on the high end. Think about what you’d wear to a friend’s house party or what you’d wear just to hang out in a bar like that, and then maybe take it up one or two notches.
poiu
Which reunion year? Asking I think age comes into this.
Anonymous
10 year reunion, I’m 29 (It’s been more like 11 years since graduation but it is what it is)
kk
Is this your first high school reunion? How old are you? What area of the country? When is the reunion? I’d wear a ruffly dress in a flattering jewel tone for your skin tone, with black tights and black boots – especially given that you could re-wear the outfit for holiday parties anduse each items separately. Abra at cap hill style posted some nice dresses today- I’ll post a link from extrapetite below as well.
If you’d like, you can do some crest whitestrips and get a blowout before the reunion. If it’s important to you, you can signal achievement/wealth with a noticeable designer bag and diamond stud earrings. Most importantly, drink plenty of water, stand up straight, smile, and have fun. If you’re not having fun, leave! It’s not high school- you’re not stuck with these people!
kk
I’d wear a dress like this one, with tights, and boots that don’t go over the knee: https://www.extrapetite.com/2017/11/jewel-tone-holiday-party-dress.html
kk
Alternately, I’d also consider rainbow hair’s fav advice and go with a leather moto jacket- if you dont already have one, it would be a great opportunity to buy something that will go with lots of outfits/occasions. For this reunion and for lots of other occasions, you could wear it with jeans, a silk tank, and a pair of flats, or with the same silk tank, a pleated midi skirt, and heels.
Anonymous
Thank you these are all great ideas! This is a definite hole in my wardrobe. “Date Night” seems to be the proper search term for what I’m looking for, Extra Petite and Cap Hill Style are right on target.
anonymous
Jeans and a fun top. Express has a category for “going out tops”.
Anon
Any advice on a trip to Banff/Lake Louise during the first week in June? We are going for a wedding, so the dates are non-negotiable. We have been trying to figure out how much is going to be open at that time of year. DH and I enjoy hiking (5-8 mile hikes, no backpacking) and generally enjoy nature/good food.
Wedding is Sunday through Tuesday, which leaves us Wednesday through Saturday to do our own thing and fly back Sunday. Is there enough to do in Banff at that time of year to fill that much time? Is it worth going up to Jasper with the limited time we have? We generally like less-crowded places and are concerned that Banff is going to be too touristy for us, especially if we spend the whole week there.
Anon1054
DH and I went about a year ago in summer and we loved it! The Bow Falls hiking trail is nice/not too difficult for a normal person! Right near the waterfalls, the trail passes near the Fairmont Banff Springs where you can get a bite to eat and rest. Public transit in Banff is really easy to use and inexpensive IMO. We took a bus out to Lake Louise one day and walked around the trails there and another bus out to Lake Minnewanka for a boat tour. I think there is also a hot spring nearby, but we didn’t end up doing it because we ran out of time. YMMV, but it seems like you’d have no shortage of things to do during your downtime…HTH
Anonymous
There will be plenty to do in Banff! If you like hiking, it’s like any other park – once you get a mile away from the road, there will be significantly fewer people. If you do go to anything that would be a relatively flat hike, go as early in the day as possible, and you’ll be done before the tourist buses show up (Paint pots, Johnston Canyon come to mind as things to see earlier in the day). You can rent canoes on a lot of the lakes. Drive out toward Jasper on the Icefields Parkway.
Chicago
We were just there in August. It was really, really lovely. We spent a full week. Like you, we prefer hiking in less crowded places. Banff itself was pretty mobbed with people. The good news is that there are loads and loads of beautiful provincial parks in the area with excellent hiking and very small crowds :) There are also lots of breweries, restaurants, etc.
Anon
Is there any advantage to opening an IRA if you aren’t maxing your employer-sponsored retirement accounts? I thought IRAs were just another savings vehicle if you were maxing out all employer-accounts and had more money to save, but friend suggested opening an IRA to “diversify.” Employer is extremely stable, if it matters (100+ year old university).
lsw
That’s what I’ve done, I’m not in an extremely high-income field so I feel like I’m hedging my bets a little on whether my tax bracket now vs retirement. I have no idea if it’s a real advantage, I just get more motivated to save when I have both vehicles for some reason.
Anon
Unless you have a match or are not eligible for the pre-tax IRA, there is no advantage.
Anon
I’d look at the fees and compare, but employer plans are usually administered my a third party and low fee. As long as they have options like vanguard I’m not sure why you need to diversity into a probably higher fee bank IRA.
Also with employer plans you can invest pre-tax, which is hard to do with non employer plans.
You can always roll your employer plan 401k into a bank IRA at some future point without tax consequences.
Mpls
Eh – it really depends on the employer plan – I wouldn’t assume that they are all low fee.
I’ve had an IRA from years where I didn’t have a 401k option. But it’s also an opportunity to start a Roth IRA, if you don’t have the option with your work plan. A Roth is going to be the diversification (of tax status) that would be the advantage.
Anon
Assuming your employer has decent investment options in your 401k, there is no benefit to opening a IRA to diversify. There may, debatable, be a benefit to having some of your retirement savings in tradition accounts (i.e., you put in pre-tax dollars) and having some of the money in roth accounts (i.e., you put in post-tax dollars). Some 401ks provide the option to put some or all of your money in a roth account. Otherwise, you could choose to put some money in a roth IRA.
Anon (OP)
Thanks. I’m 50-50 Roth vs traditional through my employer since they give us that option.
Anonome
It depends on the expense ratios of your employer-sponsored retirement accounts.
My company offers Vanguard, which is also where my multiple IRAs are held. Vanguard 401k investors do not have access to Admiral Share pricing, so the 401k funds available to me are more expensive than what I can get as a solo investor, despite everything being under one roof. I targeted one fund with competitive pricing for my 401k and contribute enough to max out my matching, then filled out the rest of my portfolio through my IRAs for sake of diversifying.
lsw
Does anyone here have experience with Interior Define? Specifically looking at sectionals.
Anonymous
I think Lisa @ Privilege got a beautiful chaise from there. Maybe ask her advice? amidprivilege.com I think
Anon
I was surprised at how low and deep (and uncomfortable) their sofas were when I went to a showroom. Everything was very short.
anne-on
I used them and was not super impressed. They recommended a lot of pottery barn/ikea/crate and barrel/wayfair type furniture, but I guess I was looking for more unique picks for accessories and felt like I could have just as easily (for free!) walked into one of those stores and used their own in-house designers.
lsw
Yikes, thanks!
Anon
Consultants and independent contractors, how do you structure your year and plan your time between roles? I am in an interesting consulting role now through next spring and will make more in the next 6-8 months than I made in a year at previous jobs. I’m saving a lot.
I found full-time roles frustrating because I could never more than 1-2 weeks off at a time, so I’d like to plan for 1-2 months of travel when this job ends before I start looking for new roles. I just feel like, it’s my life, I want to claim some time for myself and really commit to (slightly) longer-term travel. I guess I feel like if not now… when?
Should I start looking a few months before my job ends in hopes of getting something signed to start 1-2 months out so I have something solid to come back to? Has anyone done this?
Background: I have 2 years living expenses available in emergency funds, I’m late 30s, single/no kids. I own a condo and have almost 500K saved for retirement.
Anonymous
I’d suggest you check out the blog Save. Spend. Splurge. She’s a consultant who seems to take long breaks between contracts and posts a lot about finances.
Anon
Thank you!
Anon
No advice, but following as this is something I’d like to do in the next 5-10 years.
Could you possibly discuss your path to this kind of work?
Anon
Has anyone started over at a new career later in life? I’m 34, I’ve been burned by 2 jobs and I’m feeling extremely depressed about my prospects and dreading job hunting/starting over at another company. I feel like I should try something new, but all my experience is in a niche field so I would possibly have to go back to school to learn something new and get into another field. I don’t even want to work right now, I just feel so exhausted.
What I really want to do is abandon everything, run away to a tiny town in England and open a bookstore like the heroine in a romance novel, but that is not exactly practical.
Anon
You sound like me except I want to be a bartender in an exotic locale and meet lots of interesting people (aware that this is a fantasy, not a likely reality). It sucks to be this burned out.
Anon
Are you me? 35, realize I no longer care about what I do (marketing) and have no clue what to do. Spend $ and a minimum 3 years getting a second bachelors in a new field when I’m not even sure what I’d like to do? Keep chugging on and work to live? I feel young enough to pivot to something, but old enough that I’m not sure I want to throw away 12 years in a field. Sigh…
Anon
I made the switch out of law to a related field but no client interaction or billable hour. It’s definitely possible to find something else but even then, I can’t say I’m all that happy.
Anon
I went back to school at 29 after 8 years in a different, unrelated field. A few thoughts:
– Taking time out of prime earning years to go to school full-time is brutal on your overall wealth
– Taking out student loans is brutal on your overall wealth
– Starting over as a newbie earning $X when you had been earning $Y in your prior established career bites
– Not having a dang clue what you’re doing in new career…when you have wrinkles and a few grays and certainly feel like you should know what the heck’s going on…is very humbling and often bites
I’m not driven by money, but debt isn’t fun and you need money to buy a house, a car, etc, etc. I think I underestimated how much money I’d lose by stopping out of the workforce (which maybe you wouldn’t, idk) and how much debt I’d acquire and how that would affect being able to save for retirement and other expenses.
A good vacation – the kind that’s fun and interesting that recharges you without wearing you down with a busy pace – can be so helpful in resetting your mind and getting you to a place where you can think about what you really want. You can probably parley your experience into a different direction and renew yourself professionally – you just need the headspace to make it happen. Good luck!
(Also, I frequently dream about opening an ice cream stand, even though I’m finally doing the “dream job” that I always wanted.)
Anon
At this point I would “work to live” and try to find a job with good work-life balance so you can find fulfillment outside of work through hobbies, volunteer work and family/friends. I agree with comments above that taking on school debt and giving up prime earning years is not a good idea unless you are a) extremely sure you want to pursue a career that absolutely requires additional education and b) that career will be lucrative enough to make up for the lost earnings and tuition spent. You don’t have (a), let alone (b).
As a personal anecdote, I’m 34 and am just now beginning to see the kind of retirement savings I feel like I should have for my age – I can’t imagine walking away from my steady-but-boring job with a 10% employer match (that I had to wait years to get!). I’ll continue to do a decent but not amazing job at work and enjoy the fact that I can spend lots of time with my family, travel a lot, volunteer for causes I care about and sock lots of money away so I can hopefully have a nice retirement or at least semi-retirement.
Anon
+1. I feel like I was raised with this expectation that work would be fun and fulfilling and that I would love to go to work everyday. This message was mainly from school, which, looking back on, I find really funny because every single person I know who is a teacher hates it. Now, I just think that is a crappy message to give our kids. The vast, vast majority of people don’t love their jobs. And even those who enjoy their jobs have many tasks they are required to do that they don’t enjoy. At the age of 35, I would much rather have a job that provided a good wage with great work/life balance than a job I “loved” and required all my time. There are lots of interesting fulfilling things I can find to do outside of work.
FWIW, I think this is especially good advice for someone who doesn’t hate their work tasks but is just exhausted, like it sounds is true for you.
Anon
I am 36 and I had multi year stints of bad jobs (toxic people, manager sat with me and told me that I was getting fired only to retract after I went to HR etc). I was constantly feeling depressed and just wanted to run away from everything. Finally, I landed a job where I am thriving. So, please don’t give up and move forward and find a new job. May be, you will find a job where you can thrive (not to mention keep you financially afloat). While you are at your new job, start making plans about how to make your dream job happen. (I bought a small farm as my dream job was farming, because eventually I want to do it.)
OP
Thank you. I am in the same boat (toxic jobs) and it’s really affected my mental health. I don’t even care about having a dream job – I don’t even think there is such a thing. I would just like to not be depressed about work.
anon a mouse
I went back to school at 31. My industry was dying and it was so stressful it was impacting my health. I worked a totally unfulfilling job to pay the bills and went to graduate school (a cheap state school) at night. As soon as I graduated I found a good mid-level job in my new field. Leveraged my prior work experience and school work and have changed jobs a few times since, always for more interesting work and better pay.
I’m a decade out at this point and going back to school was the best thing I ever did. Life is long — too long to be miserable or feel like you’re settling in your career.
Anon
I’m looking to solve several petty problems that are driving me batty. I’ve googled a bit but can’t find anything.
1) Water. All over my bathroom sink! So the faucet to the sink is extremely close to the counter. When we wash, water tends to splash up onto the counter area. Besides that, I seem to get water under my soap dispenser, which then puddles out and gets under my makeup drawers. Every day I claim I’m going to be careful and tenderly wash my hands but all it takes is one time to wash my hands without thinking about it. DH is a very tidy person and it happens to him as well. We have never had this problem living anywhere else so I think the sink dimensions are just odd. Has anyone solved for this? I’m thinking put some sort of dish under my soap dispenser but not sure that will help. Any recs?
2) Similarly, our cats love water and play in their water dishes daily. I’m looking for pet bowl placemats to help contain the mess. I wanted to personalize with their names but I haven’t found anything I like. Any recs here? Also, any recs on the material the mat is made of? Seems that some are made with a fabric material with rubber backing (like a boot mat) and others are made from more slippery materials (which don’t seem like they would absorb any water but are more washable). I don’t know which is better.
3) The best towel hamper material to hold wet towels/washcloths until they go into the wash. Looking for a material that won’t mildew or hold onto odor (like fabric hampers do).
Ribena
3) I hang towels and washcloths to dry before putting them in my laundry hamper.
Anon
On problem 1, surround the soap dispenser (which I’m assuming is built in), with a rubber or silicone barrier (you can buy liquid barrier to apply and it dries – clear flexseal might be best for this. For the sink area, you’re just going to have to wipe it down after each use (keeping a microfiber cloth in a little hook next to the faucet works), or put in a new faucet that goes farther out into the sink.
On problem 2, are your cats prone to scratching? If so, I wouldn’t bother with a fancy monogrammed mat. Go with a basic rubber mat that will keep the dish from sliding and prevent the water from getting on your floors.
Cat
1) replace the faucet with one that has proportions better suited to your sink? An undersized faucet is going to make a mess regardless of how carefully you use it! If you can’t or don’t want to bother with that, maybe keep a hand towel on the side of the counter that gets most of the splashing (and then hang it up to dry overnight)?
3) agree with Ribena, we hang all wet towels to dry first (so after my morning shower, I leave the washcloth draped over the edge of the tub; at night it’s dry and gets tossed in the hamper.)
T
+1, it sounds like you need a taller faucet. Sometimes, people/installers pick faucets that are really designed for half/hall baths, which have lower dimensions.
anonymous
1 – I keep a washcloth by my bathroom sink and wipe off any water on the counter.
2 – Check Etsy. I would prefer a plastic mat that I can wash rather than something that absorbs water. If you’re concerned about it skidding, you can put something grippy underneath – like things you use to line your drawers.
Anonome
Regarding the cat issue, my two hooligans act like raccoons with their water fountain. We got tired of messing with placemats and bought a solid boot tray with a high lip. Anything flat was just holding the liquid underneath it and damaging the hardwood even more.
Anon0321
For 2, we use a cute small narrow trash can in the cupboard to throw small kitchen items in to be washed- we got ours at target. I hang the rags on the side to dry then they fall in or I push them over after. Whenever I do the wash I just grab it and throw it in with the laundry.
Anon
*plastic trash can.
anon a mouse
For 1, you may want to change your faucet. Look for a waterfall style where the water flow coming out is gentler than a standard faucet.
For 2, LL Bean waterhog mats. They don’t have any that are cat-specific but there’s a dog one that can be personalized.
Anon
Seeking recommendations for portable flatware! Anyone have a set you love?
Lilliet
Is this for your lunches or other meals to go? I bought several pieces from Goodwill and wash/carry them until they get lost. I thought about a cute new “set” but figured buying used was the most sustainable.
Anon
+1
Anon
I LOVE my sistema travel culterly set, that I picked up at old navy of all places!
I bought it to use for work and other meals on the go to avoid using disposable plastic forks, etc. However, the set is plastic so if you’re trying to do 0 plastic this isn’t for you.
The set has 2 handles and then attachments for a fork, spoon, knife, and chopsticks and comes in a little carrying case. I’ve used it every day for about a year and I love it!
Aggie
I use my IKEA flatware from college and it is still going strong. I place it in a Ziploc bag and then in a pencil case for storage. I reshape them as needed with a rubber mallet and discard them if they actually break.
Anonymous
Does anyone have a good dupe for the Everlane boss boot but preferably from Clarks or something? Looking for something trendy but comfy to wear with skirts and tights. Thanks!
Anon
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2982974/clarks-chantelle-stone-ankle-boot?color=BLACK%20LEATHER%2FSYNTHETIC%20COMB
Similar look! The heel is higher and the toe isn’t as pointed. I actually might get these myself….
Anon
Anyone other non-Jews married to Jews feeling excluded on this Jewish holiday with their partner and kids at services with the in-laws? No… just me?
Just needed to complain into the void because I’m feeling feels.
Anonymous
Are you not welcome to attend services with them? Honestly Jews are a persecuted minority, these are their high holy days, and you need to eat some challah and get over it.
Anon
It’s my family, including MY children, so I have the right to feel however I want. And I’m not sharing it with them, just venting a little and I value that they are learning about their history. This is my in-laws- I’m not explicitly excluded, but I’m not included or invited either (it’s been 10 years, and they’ve never bought a ticket for me or invited me- just my husband and kids) and they are conservative, so I do not think I’d actually be welcome… so I don’t push it.
They also left me without food or a car, so I’m a little hangry.
Anonymous
Are you an adult or not? If you want to go, ask. If you need a car, rent one. If you’re hungry, order some food.
Or throw yourself a pity party whatever.
Anon
If they’re conservative, they definitely don’t consider you (or your children for that matter) Jewish, but you don’t have to be Jewish to attend services. I would ask to go if you want to go next time. It isn’t rude for them to assume a Christian person doesn’t want to attend Jewish religious services. Sorry, not much sympathy as a half-Jew with a Jewish husband and Jew-ish kids.
Anon
I don’t think it’s rude to not invite you, honestly. They know you’re not Jewish and Jews don’t try to recruit people to join their religion the way Christians do. So of course they’re not going to say “Hey come to services with us and see if you’d like to be Jewish!” If you want to attend, you’re going to have to affirmatively tell them that. I expect they’d be very welcoming.
Anon
You’re so kind . . .
Anon
This makes no sense at all. Being a prosecuted minority does not excuse rude behavior.
Also, it’s possible to attend a service and still be excluded if the in-laws ignore your existence. Even just a quick note or comment explaining that she’s not invited only for religious reasons and that they hope she is well would have been the considerate thing to do.
This is why I don’t want to marry into a family like that.
Anon
Where did she say they were rude? She said she’s feeling left out that her Jewish families is at temple without her. She has two choices: celebrate with them or get over it. Religious holidays are important, especially for persecuted minorities (which is what I think the poster above was acknowledging by using that phrase).
Anon
It is rude to ignore your daughter in law when you invite her husband and children only to a religious event, take their only car, without at least a note or some food acknowledging that the exclusion is not personal.
Also not sure being a prosecuted minority has to do with anything. There are plenty of prosecuted religious minorities who invite non-believers to their worship as a gesture of goodwill.
Anon
I didn’t say she said they were rude. I think they are rude based on what she said. Please read carefully.
Anon
I understood what you meant, I don’t think she’s described any rude behavior. How is it rude to not invite someone who practices a different religious tradition to your services? If they asked her to come, people would probably criticize them for proselytizing or not being accepting of the fact that she’s not Jewish. If she said she wanted to go and they told her she couldn’t come, that’s rude, but that’s not at all what she said. I always rent a car or expect to take lots of Ubers when I visit my in-laws because I don’t think you can reasonably expect someone else to make their car available to you on demand; they may need it themselves.
busybee
If you’re feeling left out, why don’t you just attend services?
Anon
Because I wasn’t invited. I explained a little more below.
busybee
Have you ever mentioned that you’d like to be invited? The flip side of this is they might just assume you don’t want to come because you’re not Jewish.
Anonymous
Why not speak to your husband and say “when we visit your parents for the high holy days, I usually get left alone in their house all day without food or a car. This year let’s change that up. I’d like to attend services- can I? If not, we need to rent a car so I have some independence.”
Anonymous
Why would they invite you now after ten years of you not going when you’ve never expressed an interest in going?
Anon
She never said she was not interested in joining. Why would you make such an assumption?
Anonymous
Ivanka?
Anon
Lollllllll
Anon
You must be a jealous Jewish woman lol.
Anon
Whew, lot of anti-Semitism in this thread. Why would a Jewish woman be jealous of you? Because you “landed” a Jewish man? lol.
Anon
I’m the op and did not make either of the above comments. This is my family- I love everyone in this scenario… just feeling a little lonely today.
Anon
DH and I don’t have kids yet, but I am in a similar boat. DH’s family is conservative. I always felt extremely awkward at services when I went with them– everything was in Hebrew, etc. We just joined a reform synagogue, which is much more inclusive. Like, they really understand the dynamic of raising kids Jewish when one of the parents hasn’t converted. The service also has a much larger portion of it in English. Now that we have our own synagogue, DH is much less into going to services with just his parents, etc. I realize you’ve been dealing with this for much longer than I have, and there may not be a way to change it, but just something to consider.
Op anon
This is the only time they go to services and it is important to them- would it be weird for my husband to ask that they go to a reform temple?
They did just change temples and don’t know a ton of people at the new one.
Anonymous
Yes I think that would be weird. You need a car and a sandwich and an appointment for a spa, not to ask that your in laws change their religious observance on a holy day the one time they go and it inconveniences you.
Anonymous
+ 1 Million
Anon
I think it would be weird to ask them to change where they go to services before you even attempt to visit their current place. If you go and are made to feel unwelcome, then it’s a more reasonable thing to discuss. And the appropriate way to go about it would be for you, DH and kids to join a Reform temple and invite them to High Holidays at your temple, not ask your in-laws to change both their temple and their denomination. Your in-laws belong to a temple that fits their brand of Judaism; your family (meaning you and DH and kids) should belong to a temple that fits yours, hopefully you can all attend services together at a temple that welcomes everyone.
Anon
I’m the poster above that commented about joining a reform synagogue, and I completely agree. I attend services with DH at our reform synagogue on a regular basis, and we intend for our children to go to preschool there, etc. So we now have our synagogue where we feel at home so in-laws don’t have to be involved. We can also now invite them to services at our synagogue in the future.
I’m not Jewish and don’t plan on converting in the near future, but since we do plan on raising our kids Jewish, I do want to be involved in the synagogue, etc. and understand the religion. Also, no one cares that I haven’t converted since they routinely have members in the same boat.
Anonymous
This. Your family joins a reform temple and invite his parents to attend with them.
Anonymous
You can also just learn the language/culture/religion even without being a member. DH and I from two different branches of Christianity but I learned enough of his mother tongue so I can follow along during church services when we visit his family overseas.
Anon
My kinda people! Lol.
I feel like if I affirmatively plan something “fun” that may be looked down upon. Also, I’m not entirely sure that there really is a ton to do. They live in a smallish town that we visit for the high holidays.
I thought I’d have the car to at least grab a bagel and coffee, but as everyone was rushing out the door- it became clear that there wouldn’t be a car left for me.
Anonymous
Are you always this passive?
Anonymous
So shocking that they leave you out when you seem super pleasant.
Anon
No, but I think it’s the way to go with in-laws normally.
That’s not a particularly helpful comment though….
Anon
I’m not getting the animosity… what about what I’ve written makes me unpleasant? I’m a very accommodating dil that generally tries not to rock the boat and go along with what they like to do (including always traveling to their small town for holidays at great expense and vacation day usage). I love my entire family a lot… just feeling a little left out today.
Anonymous
I feel this way sometimes (step child is Jewish as well, and we don’t plan on having kids). It helps when I remind myself that I spend Easter with my mom while DH drops us off with the car, and he probably feels a little weird then. I look at these days as me time–I can read or watch trash TV without guilt. I also look at the positives. I had never had hamentashen before we met. And they both like my Christmas cookies and having a tree.
It sucks you’re stranded at home. I’d be calling in a pizza stat and reveling in that as well. Can you tell food rules a lot of my mood? :)
anonymous
Since this is your in-laws, I think this is something you should talk to your husband about. Does he know you feel left out? Can he talk to his parents about the possibility of including you?
Anon
Hey think of it as free babysitting (and moral education while they’re at it!) from inlaws. When (very rarely like once a year) I manage to pack my kids off for a day at the grandparents, I enjoy the time off. Order Doordash, get some food your DH/kids don’t like that you’d like to have, and indulge in Netflix!
Anonymous
Just you.
Anon
You are mean.
Anon
This wasn’t even me- the op, so clearly I’m not the only one.
Anon
I’m Jewish and my two brother in law’s are not Jewish. We don’t care! This isn’t something unique to Jews. People of certain religions are often not accepting of people who did not grow up in that religion regardless of how open they are. I’m sorry, but your in laws sound like very unpleasant people and that just sucks! I’m sorry you have to deal with a family that is not welcoming.
Anon
I really don’t get the piling-on that happened to OP here. I suspect one or two bad actors all over the place.
To OP, I get feeling lonely and left out. I do think it’s worth saying something for next year, but for this year I agree you do something indulgent for yourself. I’d be in an Uber and on my way to a fancy lunch with a book an hour ago!
Anonymous
This is exactly what me, Ye High Priestess of Nasty, suggested. Stop sulking and go get yourself some lunch.
Ruthie
Any other Jews notice that this is the only discussion about Rosh Hashanah on this board today? Shanah tova umetukah, y’all.
Anonymous
My grays are killing me. I have dark brown hair — is it possible to get blond highlights or something to help hide them? (Silver highlights?) What’s the lazy brunette’s guide to grays?
Anonymous
I do blonde highlights (balayage) because I have found it is the most effective camouflage. I have gotten pretty blonde as a result, which wasn’t really my intention (I used to dye darker), but I have an excellent colorist who makes it work such that I get lots of unsolicited compliments now.
Anonymous
I have found that the old-school FanciFull rinses, when used daily, leave a semi-permanent coat on my hair that hides the silver. Looks highlighted. I use an envelope-wetting bottle (seriously!) to brush the color on each morning. It’s great.
Anon
I am a lazy brunette who doesn’t want to keep up with roots growing out. I get very fine highlights and lowlights every 3-6 months, just a shade or two lighter than my hair, and my hair color. They can’t catch all the grays in the foils but having more color variation in my hair makes the grays stand out less.
The advantage of highlights close to my natural color and “fine” – ie the opposite of chunky blond streaks – is that I don’t have a roots issue as my hair grows. It looks pretty natural.
October Wedding - Asheville
I will be attending an evening wedding in mid-October in Asheville, NC. Dress code is black tie optional, and I’ve been informed that most women will be wearing long gowns. I plan to wear a long gown and have ordered several to try on. What I need help with is knowing whether velvet is appropriate. From what I understand, the weather can get quite cool, so velvet seems reasonable but it’s also mid-October, and I always think of velvet as more of a winter fabric. Any thoughts or guidance would be appreciated!
anon
I think velvet is fine and perfectly appropriate for black tie/long gown in mid-October where the weather is likely to be chilly. Honestly, it’s still hot where I live in October, but I wouldn’t consider velvet inappropriate–just uncomfortable unless the event was entirely indoors in the AC.
Anonymous
Especially this year, I would probably steer clear of velvet in October. It’s too wintry. It could be in the 70s.
Z
Especially this year, I would probably steer clear of velvet in October. It’s too wintry. It could be in the 70s.
Anon in Asheville
It is in the 80’s today and mid-October is not that far off. I would definitely avoid velvet. It will look a little off (not snickering behind your back off, just “wow that looks uncomfortable” off) and you are likely to roast, especially if the wedding and reception are not in the same hotel you are staying in.
Also, I may get push back on this, but please do not wear plain black to a Southern wedding, especially if either family is from here.
therapy
Have any of you used talk space or better help? What are your thoughts/experiences? I need some therapy and the annoyance of in person sessions is holding me back.
Anon
I tried talkspace for about 4 months and it wasn’t useful to me at all or worth the money. I was primarily struggling with anxiety, and the counselor mainly set useless tasks like coming up with a list of my responses to anxiety on a scale of 1-10. No real concrete solutions and no real in depth conversation.
Anonymous
I don’t know if I just woke up at the wrong time in my sleep cycle but I am SO groggy today. It’s a slow day at work because of the holidays so that’s probably not helping. I’ve already had a large coffee.. Any other tips from the hive?
anon
How would you approach this? I’m asking on behalf of my sister, who’s living in a tiny apartment in NYC and whose neighbor smokes serious skunk pretty much constantly. It’s gotten to the point where she’s very uncomfortable in her own home – the smell is so strong and constant that it’s giving her headaches. Since she lives alone, she’s not comfortable approaching the (much older, physically large male) neighbor (which is what I would do).
Anonymous
Talk to the landlord/property management.
Anon
Are they in her building or another building?
Either way I would definitely talk to the landlord. Has she not done that yet?
Even if it’s in a different building, I found my landlord of my apartment building in a very large city knew how to contact the other landlords of the buildings immediately surrounding us & was able to relay our issues.
Anonymous
I would knock on his door, explain the problem, and ask if there’s anything he can do.
Anon
. . . Talk to the landlord?
Anon
Don’t talk to the neighbor right off the bat. Talk to the landlord or property management company. It should say no smoking in the lease.