Weekend Open Thread
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Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
I know the jumpsuit + leather jacket idea came up here a few days ago and now again and I’ll say, I just don’t like the idea. I don’t think jumpsuits like this one are meant to have another layer on top and if it’s too cold to wear it, then it’s too cold. A leather jacket looks weird.
Agreed, I don’t think anything on top of a jumpsuit looks good, but I think a turtleneck under a jumpsuit is a great look.
I disagree. I think it looks cool. Lots of things are sleeveless and look good with a jacket on top. I don’t see why a jumpsuit is any different as long as the proportions work.
Besides, when you live in a place that has real winters, you learn how to make layers work!
Leather jacket contrasts too much with sequins, especially if it is embellished or has prominent zippers or patterns. However, other cropped jackets/ cropped festive cardigans with some structure (something softer than leather) may work.
If it’s a real winter, then I definitely need a turtleneck underneath, vs a leather jacket over top. I can’t articulate why, but a leather jacket just doesn’t feel like it would keep me warm over a sleeveless jumpsuit. And leather jacket feels like fall outerwear (but acceptable indoors during that season), but would be weird indoors when I wore a warmer jacket over top. Like I would need to. In a real winter.
I agree that leather jacket looks weird.
As a look, I think this would be great with a leather jacket. But, jumpsuits are already challenging for using the ladies room, and having to remove a layer to do so makes this a no.
Wore a jumpsuit to my SIL’s wedding rehearsal, bc I wear a jumpsuit at every opportunity.
Had to pee while at church and there was a picture of Jesus tucked into the mirror frame.
He’s seen worse, right?
hahahahaha. but also I mean don’t dress for a man right?
I’m the poster who asked about this earlier in the week. I don’t understand the leather jacket advice either. Do people wear their leather jackets indoors? Anyway, I live in Colorado and will need an actual coat, so am I supposed to layer a coat over my leather jacket? For my event, I decided to buy a dress or jumpsuit with sleeves.
Wearing a leather jacket indoors over something sleeveless doesn’t make sense. Wearing leather jackets indoors seems to fit more with turtlenecks, corduroys, jeans – things with texture. Leather over sequins just sounds like a little much.
I’m not sure where I come out of this issue. I love the concept of the jumpsuit, and I also love it with a leather jacket, but I understand that some people don’t and I respect that. Personally it’s been a few years since I’ve put on a jumpsuit and I don’t think that I would look good in one right now because of my tuchus. So I will leave it for the younger women here in the hive and wish them well but warn them to exercise every day if they want to wear a jumpsuit like this. Otherwise they will look silly. Mabye one day soon I will be Abel to wear it but not now. FOOEY!
Toys/Snacks that keep your dog busy for the longest (that don’t stink like bully sticks!)? Kongs only last us 5-10 minutes maybe. Those hard cheese bones he only likes sometimes. So far the longest lasting is the everlasting treat ball but he’s catching on and gets the treat out faster every time.
What are you putting in the Kongs? I break up larger treats and some chicken jerky and stuff it. The pup then has to toss and roll the kong around to get the stuff out. It’s fairly effective.
We use a feeding toy for every meal, but it takes our dog about 5 minutes to get everything out. For Kongs, you can freeze them and it’ll take a little longer. Our best toy so far is a licking mat: spread pb or yogurt on the mat, freeze it, it takes our dog over 20 minutes to get everything off. Bonus, our dog trainer says licking is a naturally relaxing for dogs!
Granted, our dog is still a puppy, but we’ve had good luck with redbarn filled bones.
You can buy odor-free bully sticks! Much better than the regular kind.
Marrow bones.
When my super energetic chewer was a pup I put dog kibble in a little bit of water until it gets mushy, then stuff it in the Kong, put peanut butter in the top/plug part and freeze overnight. He has to lick at it for a good while to get the PB out, then chew hard to break up the ice-dog kibble and bat it out.
You could also put PB inside and freeze but our dog had a super long tongue and got it out quickly.
Benebones
+1 for benebones!
I haven’t found anything that lasts as long as a bully stick. Yak cheese comes second. My guy won’t chew on anything plastic and antlers/ears make me nervous. I have however found a brand of bully sticks that don’t smell. Brand is Nature’s Own. One stick lasts several days.
I like to make my dog a kong with peanut butter and yogurt and put it into the freezer so it takes her longer to work at it.
If you’re open to using your dog’s meal as the distraction, go for puzzle toys and “interactive” dog bowls. They have lots of selections for both on chewy dot com. We feed our dog about a cup of kibble – half usually gets distributed between 2 puzzle toys, and the other half gets distributed between two interactive bowls. It takes her about 20 mins to eat everything. When we go out and it’s not her meal time, we put a small handful of kibble in a puzzle toy. Of course this only works if your dog is obsessed with their kibble like mine.
Knee bones
I have a working breed dog who destroys any treats in an instant. The longest-lasting ones are (in order of time spent):
Marrow bones from Primal and/or Blue Ridge Beef (not cooked; raw/frozen)
Super thick bully braids/rings (sure they stink, but they work)
Frozen Kongs with natural PB (from Trader Joe’s) and jerky and random other treats stuck inside
Licky Mat with frozen kefir/Siggi’s/bananas
A snuffle mat for treats and scavenging (ours is from Paw5, the Wooly Mat; can be washed and dried easily)
Hard puzzle toys
Antlers last much longer than rawhides or bully sticks and don’t smell (they are more expensive though).
I also use a maze ball called “tricky treat” to feed my dog her kibble and she adores it. It has a maze inside and even though she gets the bulk of the food out in a few minutes, it takes a while to completely empty. I tried a number of treat balls and it’s my favorite (because it’s easy to fill and relatively quiet) and my dog likes it best too (it rolls and distributes food unpredictably). I bought the largest of the two sizes available on Amazon.
Are there similar toys / treat balls for cats?
I feel your pain. Trader Joe’s has a big selection of dog treats at good prices. My terriers like the chicken wrapped stick things.
Suggestions for a series of novels similar to Kathy Reichs Bones books? A female investigator angle rather than forensic anthropology would be fine.
JD Robb’s In Death series?
Yes! These are great and there’s plenty of them.
My mom likes Nevada Barr books about a female park ranger who investigates crimes.
I didn’t know I needed books about a female park ranger who investigates crimes, but now I’m convinced I’m missing something in my life. I’ll have to check these out
SAME!! I just called my favorite bookstore and ordered the first in this series!
They are great! When I was in private practice I would occasionally dream about leaving it all behind and becoming a park ranger…
I loved the Nevada Barr books. I haven’t picked them up in a while, but they’re fantastic.
I’ve read a few of the D.I. Kim Stone series from Angela Marsons. I just checked and saw that there are eleven books in the series, so I need to check out the other ones.
The TV show Rizzoli and Isles was based off of a book series, IIRC (I watched the show but I can’t speak to the quality of the books).
Tess Gerritsen. I like the books- great thrillers, a bit darker than the TV series.
Kate White writes books about a female detective… of course there are the older VI Warshowski novels too.
Phryne Fisher novels by Kerry Greenwood! The TV show is excellent too.
+1
The DI Birch books by Claire Askew.
Bess Crawford series by Charles Todd (a mother/son writing team). WWI nursing sister who investigates crime in between being stationed at triage stations near the front lines.
+1 to In Death series by JD Robb.
Faith Martin’s DI Hilary Greene series. Wish I could read those again for the first time.
Girl Waits with Gun maybe
Old school but I liked the Kay Scarpetta ones…
I’m late to this but if you’re open to historical crime solving- Maisie Dobbs books by Jacqueline Winspear are my favorites.
Sue Grafton’s Kinsey Millhone books, if you haven’t already read them. She died just before writing “Z Is for ______” so there are twenty-five novels starting with “A Is for Alibi.” So good!
Does anyone have a hot water bottle or something that stays warm for 10+ minutes? My kids hold them on their tummies when they’re sick… thank you!
Can you try a heating pad that you can plug in? They do get pretty warm so you may want to layer a towel underneath.
Any hot water bottle will stay warm for much longer than10 minutes.
This. A proper hot water bottle should come with a little flannel or fuzzy case which helps insulate it and keep it warm longer.
I remember a couple years ago here someone posted cute rice/bean plush toys you could microwave and use as heating pads. For instance: https://www.amazon.com/Intelex-Warmies-Microwavable-Lavender-Scented/dp/B01IV2DINO/
Take an old cotton sock and fill with rice. Knot the end. Microwave to desired warmth.
This is a classic for a reason.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01KSLPKS2/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
If your hot water bottle doesn’t stay hot for 10 minutes, you’re not using hot enough water.
My team (5 women, age: from 28 to 55) has worked hard this year. I wanted to reward them with a bonding activity (plus they will get a monetary recognition). I have done the escape room and the culinary workshop in the past. I am thinking of doing something more relaxing and booking pedicures for the 6 of us at a nice spa (we would be together in the same room at the spa). Then we would be going to nice restaurant for lunch.
My manager has approved my plan but a colleague of mine told me going for a pedicure with colleagues is inappropriate. What do you think? If you have other ideas of team-bonding activities, let me know. Thanks!
I wouldn’t do anything beauty-related. There are way better ways to spend your time. I’d stick with the lunch or an outing to a cool site in your city.
Well, it depends on the team. I can picture some women that would really enjoy this, but I can also picture some who would be offended you did something so stereotypically girly. If it has to include a bonding activity, I would probably find something more generic.
I think a pedicure is a little weird, personally. It’s overly girlfriend-y. I would also be uncomfortable with everyone seeing my gross winter feet and would feel compelled to get a pre pedicure pedicure, although I realize this is a personal issue.
+1.
I agree that unless you know this team extremely well, group pedi’s might be a little too personal.
How about leather belt-making? ;)
Or maybe one of those paint-your-own-plate things? Those always look fun to me.
Only if they go shopping for jeans together before the belt making.
Or they aren’t vegan
It’s weird and I don’t understand why this is a female bonding activity nowadays. Men aren’t going together for haircuts or other hygiene type things yet women are supposed to only care about hair and nails? If you can’t think of another activity, that’s fine — nothing wrong with a long lingering lunch.
I think lunch is enough of a team bonding activity. When you’re getting a pedicure, you’re all sitting in a row and there’s not much chance for interaction. And I kind of like to zone out and relax during a pedicure. At least at lunch, you can talk to one another.
paint night or wine tasting
I don’t like the idea of a wine tasting. With that age range, there is a chance that someone is pregnant and isn’t ready to disclose yet. And there is always the chance that someone doesn’t drink, for personal or religious reasons.
With only 5 people it’s a ‘know your office’ situation.
I can easily think of 5 colleagues that this would work with because we regularly discuss alcohol – like new recipes or new microbreweries to check out or a great cocktail we had with dinner at a new restaurant.
I know some people love them, but I have never had a pedicure and have no interest in it.
A winery/brewery/distillery tour? A hipster bowling alley or ping-pong club? Painting or pottery-painting? Or just a really nice lunch would be nice, if I were part of that team.
I love spa stuff but I hate my feet and would be embarrassed by a work pedicure thing.
I feel like manicures are the only spa thing that might work but people are so different about how they do their nails, you’d need to have a cohesive group – e.g. no one with gel nails because they require specific maintenance.
Just give them more money or time off. That’s what they want.
Yes, we discussed this, and beyond our holiday dinner @ the Lambs Club, we are not doing anything special this year. We did enough in the warm weather in the Hamtons on weekends this summer on the manageing partner’s boat and pool, so it does NOT make sense to waste time after work in the city when it is cold outside. The manageing partner wanted me to take some cleints out to the NY Ranger games, but I told him that I did not like Hockey, so he is having other partners and Frank go out with the those cleints.
I really enjoy pedicures and get them biweekly during sandal weather (which has long since ended in my city), but I would find this off-putting. It’s so gender stereotypical and, as someone noted above, men never do personal care/hygiene things together. I would just do lunch and put the money you would have spend on the pedicures towards the cash gift.
Definitely depends on the team. Some teams I’ve been on would love it, others not so much. I like the paint and sip idea.
Manager here, and I would feel so uncomfortable getting pedicures with my coworkers! It just seems overly personal in the professional context.
It feels weird because it violates the convention that grooming happens at home and not in the workplace. Granted, you aren’t in the workplace, but you are with coworkers so it feels more workplace-y.
It’s also more gendered than the other things. Yes, you are all women, but this isn’t a group bonding thing you would do if you had a male colleague, right? It feels like there is an underlying assumption that all women like pedicures, so of course it’s a bonding experience, when that may not be true.
Go rock climbing and help reframe the idea that female bonding should be related to appearances rather than strength, bravery, trust, trying new things, and just having fun:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/14/style/bouldering.html?action=click&module=Features&pgtype=Homepage
Oh god, mandatory work rock climbing is such a terrible idea. I agree with your point, though.
+1. I would die if I had the rock climb. But I like the point about moving away from appearances.
If this isn’t actually my worst nightmare come to life, it’s in the top three…
Nooo! I had rock climbing proposed by a client as a team building activity and I declined very quickly. Somebody fell. No good. But I also agree with the point in concept.
Falling is part of it, not an unexpected outcome. It helps you learn and grow.
“Helps you learn and grow” – to become a better rock climber? Someone would actually have to care about becoming a better climber for that to be a benefit. Personally I do not want to rock climb ever, and thus certainly don’t want to get better at it. If my workplace scheduled a “teambuilding” rock climbing event, I would call in sick that day. Just no.
She had to go to the doctor and ended up with a neck brace. I believe she billed the client for the copay :)
You’re on a rope, so falling surely isn’t a big deal?
Not the Anonymous above, but for some people, falling might not be a fun learning experience – it could exacerbate psychological or physical issues.
One manifestation of my PTSD is that I can’t handle roller coasters anymore – used to absolutely love them, but come off shaking and in a cold sweat. It’s not fun to admit, but I would caution you against importing “good learning experiences” along these lines into the workplace.
This is a really able-ist kind of activity
https://www.climbing.com/people/able-body-the-rise-of-adaptive-climbing/
Great? I didn’t say it wasn’t possible; it’s just a really able-ist view that it should be a work event. I can promise that most people with physical disabilities are not going to be up for adaptive climbing in a work setting (as a reward no less!).
archery is maybe more doable and fun for people of varying fitness levels.
I suggested climbing but would love archery too!
My office recently had great success with a paint-and-sip. Bowling could also be fun!
I would just do the lunch and then give the afternoon off.
Long lunch, wine tasting (provided everyone drinks and no one is expecting), then home for the day.
Lunch and the rest of the afternoon off.
Your team is small and it sounds like your employees work well. Is a bonding activity needed? A nice lunch (and extra money) as a reward seems sufficient to me.
I agree that a pedicure for a work activity is inappropriate. I wouldn’t be comfortable doing that with colleagues, for the reasons mentioned here. Also, you happen to have a team of women, but I don’t think traditionally gendered activities set the right tone for the workplace, especially if there are men working at your company.
I’d choose an activity like bowling, rock climbing, etc. There’s nothing wrong with the escape room or culinary workshop again if people enjoyed it. OR just have a nice lunch, give extra money, and let people go home without bonding.
I would do something service oriented, since it always feels nice to give back. This time of year is the perfect time to adopt a family and provide a Thanksgiving meal, or create hygiene packs for the homeless shelter (especially since your team is women you could focus on women–so many homeless women do not have regular access to feminine products). Use the money the company would spend on pedicures for supplies and then use the time to assemble everything and drop off the donation. Then go have a nice team lunch!
Love this idea of doing something service oriented.
This.
I hate mandatory service work. It smacks of the company using me to make themselves look good.
The donation could be anonymous. Also, it didn’t sound like any of this was mandatory. Just the boss trying to do something nice for the team. So why not pay it forward :) (And if this is your attitude, then I would say feel free not to participate.)
What makes you think I do not already “pay it forward”?
Sorry that you need your boss to make you be charitable. Adults should be over that phase of life.
Or to get a tax break.
Worse. If they want the tax break, they can cut a check to charity and get the tax break without conscripting me into the process. I give a stupid amount of my very limited free time to volunteer work, and resent when people decide that I have to do more, and their own version of it, on their schedule, to make themselves feel good.
This is an excellent idea.
Sorry, this was not actually intended for SA, forgot to change my handle back.
This is a good idea in general, but not a good reward. Great, I worked hard so my “reward” is to work hard for others? No. “Hey team, let’s do this service project to spend time together and do something meaningful and focus on what really matters in life and you will not be expected to work longer to make up the time spent?” Yes.
I have to agree here. Community service is a good thing, but it shouldn’t be given as a reward. I feel rewarded when I’m given extra money, extra time off, pizza, and/or an opportunity to drink for free during the workday.
Thank you for all your comments. My department is 80% female. I personally go for pedicures often, I considered it as “self-care” and did not think of it as an ” girly activity” put I can see how it can be perceived as it.
I know my colleagues quite well and I think most of them would enjoy this activity but who know…
Activities involving wine/alcohol are not an option in my company. Having alcohol at lunch is also a no-go plus one of my team member does not drink.
All managers are encouraged to reward their team and were asked to “think outside the box” – I despise this expression- but I need to come up with an activity that would appeal all my team. They need something relaxing/not too intense.
I really like the idea of giving back: this is great, thank you. We will go for a nice lunch and they will also get cash bonus for their work plus I will give them the afternoon off.
Apparently lots of people here hate the idea, so probably don’t do pedicures unless you are 100% confident everyone on your team would be on board. But to be a voice of dissent – I’ve been to several pedicure/spa day events for work; at least one of them was instigated by a male colleague in the spring as preparation for flip-flop weather. All events were lovely and not uncomfortable.
“All managers are encouraged to reward their team and were asked to “think outside the box” – I despise this expression- but I need to come up with an activity that would appeal all my team. They need something relaxing/not too intense.”
One thing that’s big around here – and a lot of fun – is bourbon barrel head painting. They give you stencils and a bourbon barrel head; you paint it; and then you take it home. They can also make a version that’s a tray (rectangular with handles) and is food safe, so you have a really pretty and functional object.
I would hate this because I would never want a pedicure for any reason, and would feel pressured to participate. Please avoid things this personal/physical in nature at the workplace!!!!!!!!
Have you asked them what they might want? Personally, I dislike most team bonding activities, including escape rooms, the only one I’ve ever liked was the culinary workshop, and bowling outings are okay as long as I can sit out and watch, I guess pub trivia is okay too as long as I don’t get ribbed on for not knowing enough (or any) answers. Honestly, a nice meal is always a good go-to, you could even make it more communal by doing tapas, or dim sum, or hotpot if that’s an option in your area.
But yeah, definitely ask the team what sort of activities they like, or send out a list and invite people to give input. It’s likely that no matter what you choose, someone will be like “no, sorry, not my jam” and let that person quietly opt out.
I think it would be weird logistically because wouldn’t you all need open-toed shoes? So you’d need to live somewhere warm or you’d have either blue feet at dinner or ruined pedicures.
I get pedicures in the winter in the Midwest, it’s not that big a deal, especially if you’re not in a rush. You just need to make sure your leave adequate time for it to dry.
I’ll be another voice of dissent. I’ve been to mani/pedi events and spa day events for the women on the team while the men golfed. No one seemed to have a problem with it. I think if you know your team and are pretty sure they’d enjoy it, I’d suggest it and see what they say.
My team recently took the afternoon off to see a movie together as a team reward and we loved it! I work in a really lean start up and we all work really long hours, so it was nice to have a short break during the week (even if it meant I had more work to do over the weekend).
In regards to the question on the afternoon yesterday about the assistant who paints her nails (and yes, I realize the OP was a tr*ll)
What exactly is professional/not professional when it comes to nail? I’m a junior associate in big law at an Am Law 200 firm and I wear nail polish. My nails are my own and not too long or anything and I don’t do designs or stickers, I just do one single color. But I do wear different colors and change them often. Are polished nails (short and your own) unprofessional?
Goodness, no. You’re fine.
Lol you’re fine. It’s okay to exist.
I think any polish that is pink, peach, clear, white, or even some reds is fine.
I’m a senior manager and officer in a conservative environment and I wear a deep green or a teal fairly often. It’s not unprofessional.
I think the trick is relatively short nails and not having visible chips at any time.
I was in state court several years ago and the judge herself was rocking a wonderful slate blue-gray color; I only remember because it looked so great.
yes, beautiful!
*gasp* RED nail polish? Scandalous!
(I work in a conservative office and totally wear navy blue, non-bright purple, tan, etc. – my boundary tends to be nothing too florescent or sparkly, like, I don’t want my nails to draw attention. Pretty much any color pastels in the spring/summer, or deeper tones all year are fine. I agree with the short/no visible chips – which admittedly means I don’t wear polish often because rock climbing.)
Some shades of red, in some offices, may look a bit off.
RBG wears red polish.
I wasn’t aware that her job or promotions could ever be affected by what nail polish she wears.
These days I would say the only limits are if they are very distracting. Basically, same as with gum chewing or wearing multiple bangles, as a junior you should not be a noisy distraction in a meeting. You don’t want 4″ long nails that are clacking on the table or keyboard of your laptop, or pierced nails with noisy jewelry if you are sitting in on an important meeting.
YMMV, but in my workplace bright colors, frequent color changes etc would not be an issue.
I have literally no idea what the condition is of any of my colleagues’ nails.
just follow the successful midlevels. Personally, I introduced dark dark plums and navies and grays and browns and deep green once I had a solid reputation, maybe as a 4th year. As a junior associate I stayed mostly with “traditional” nail colors of pink to red.
Don’t get too wild! ;)
ha, this was a while ago, I think more “adventurous” nail polish has become way more mainstream-popular since I was a junior associate a decade ago!
Since we talk about this a lot on here, I thought I’d share the Dear Prudence response to a letter writer who was ghosted by a date, when she thought it had gone well. I thought it was so good.
“ I understand the temptation to spin a guy’s indifference or light, low-stakes cruelty as a sign that he’s actually really vulnerable. I’ve done it myself, to my own detriment! It makes something petty and embarrassing feel somehow noble and important: “He only ignored me because he’s so afraid of being abandoned, like how all of his friends I’ve never met apparently abandoned him in the past. He wants to treat me well, to initiate a second date and ask me how I’m doing and respond to my texts—it’s just that his terrible boss and his cowardly friends and his deep emotional sensitivity are getting in the way. But I can help fix all of that, if I just dedicate myself to understanding him.” Anytime you find yourself inclined to explain that someone has treated you carelessly because they’re secretly so sensitive that they have to treat you carelessly, lest they explode in a cataclysm of vulnerability, stop what you’re doing immediately and go take a long walk until the urge to knock down your own (reasonable!) expectations passes. Good second dates happen really easily and intuitively, because both parties are equally excited in getting one set up. I’ve never heard of a really good second date that started because one party vanished, made up a bunch of flimsy excuses when called out on vanishing, and then finally set one up out of guilt. Go out with someone else. ”
So much this. If a guy is into you, he will make dates happen even if he has to book two weeks out because he’s getting on a plane in the morning for an overseas business trip.
If he’s not doing that then he’s just not that into you. If he won’t make time in his life for a date, how on earth is he going to make time for a relationship.
Ok so sometimes I’m slow to set up second dates for legit reasons — work, travel etc. If I’m in a relationship but super busy, I’m much more comfortable having dinner with my guy at 8-9, hanging out for a bit and talking and going to bed. But if I know I have to be at work until 8, I don’t want to set up a second date that night! The busy periods don’t come up that often and i would rather wait a week or two until I can really focus on the person. But I always respond and find time to text in the meanwhile!
You’re rarely going to be able to set up the exact time and date of a second date two weeks out on the spot. But he should at least be saying ‘i’m out of town for two weeks starting tomorrow but I’d love to keep in touch while I’m gone and take you out for dinner when I’m back / maybe the x or y day?’
Right, and that’s the key, if you’re interested in someone, you make time to communicate even if your schedule is too busy to plan real dates. “Hey, I really wanna see you again, but this week is bananas, are you free next Tuesday by any chance?” or even “we just entered a super busy period at work and I can’t really commit to any evening plans right now, but I’d love to see you once things slow down in a week or so.”
THIS! “Good second dates happen really easily and intuitively, because both parties are equally excited in getting one set up. I’ve never heard of a really good second date that started because one party vanished, made up a bunch of flimsy excuses when called out on vanishing, and then finally set one up out of guilt.”
Interested men pursue, disinterested men do not.
But but he has his secret insane wife in the attic and therefore CANNOT have a second date unless and until she perishes (OTOH: why did he go on the first date with you; life is not a novel from English 101).
I love the end of it! Yes, ghosting stinks and people shouldn’t do it, but when they do, look on the bright side, that person is obviously not for you.
Please share… I have had a few doozies lately and would love to feel less alone in my experiences. Thanks!
My worst was a date who would ask me a question and then cut me off after 5 seconds, mansplained my job to me (when he worked in a completely different field and was completely wrong about it), dissed all my hobbies and interests, did 90% of the talking … and then preceded to explain how he knew I was going to fall in love with him immediately and he wanted to make clear that he was not going to convert for me regardless of how much I would love him
Ah yes, this reminds me of the date who went on and on telling me how hard the CA bar exam is and how smart he was to have to passed it. It was only towards the end of the date he asked what i do. (I’m an attorney in CA. So yes I passed the same bar.)
My friend went out on several dates with a guy who, at the end of their last date, had rather critical things to say about her kissing technique. When she got upset (she’s never had complaints before and, wow, rude), he got angry, and said that he doesn’t understand why women get upset when he suggests how they improve. Yes, this is something he does to all the women he dates, but in his world, they should want to please and excite him, so they are the problem.
That’s awful.
I had plenty of bad in-person dates, but they’re too involved to type out. The two quickest ones were guys I thankfully weeded out before I met them IRL.
There was the guy who blew me off twice after we had agreed to a date and time – “work emergencies.” (His was an on-call type job, so it made sense, but still – twice?) Aaaand then I entered his cell number in FB, just for kicks. Up pops the photo of him with the smiling wife and kids…lots of photos of them. Click over to the wife’s profile – yep, all the happy smiling family photos. And way back in his profile photos were the shots of younger him alone that he had used in his profile. Uh huh. Scum.
Also the guy who, after I told him I wasn’t interested, said, “well, hey, wanna hook up? neither of us is getting younger. we’ll see if there’s chemistry. I know there will be and you’ll be interested then.” BLECH.
Was asked to dye my hair red.
The three guys I went out with/communicated with before I met my husband:
Guy #1: Dating profile says he’s into trains. I think, cool, I traveled on trains when I studied abroad and it was a fun experience. Dude was *really* into trains. Spent the whole date telling me how they work, ones he rode on, different kinds, history of trains. We did not have a second date.
Guy #2: No chemistry. A very Basic Guy. We ate at a lowbrow chain restaurant. We walked around the mall and he told me a ton of detail about his boring sounding tech maintenance job without asking anything about myself. We went to see an Adam Sandler movie.
Guy #3, ~60% match on OK Cupid: “Come drive three hours to go on a date with me! I don’t have a car! Lol! You can sleep on my couch, I promise I won’t hit on you!”
Did you only go on three dates before you met your husband? Wait, scratch that, only two actual dates? Neither of them even sound that bad.
There’s a lot of discussion about how much of a role luck plays in finding the right person. Some people are able to find their person after not a lot of looking. Just like some people play the lottery for years and win nothing; other people buy one lottery ticket in their life on a whim and hit the Powerball. I had my share of bum tickets while I was dating, but I’ve only gone out on dates with I think 15 people, tops, other than my husband. Despite going on my first date at age 14, I didn’t date a lot, period, for most of my life, and almost all of those 15 dates were first dates, with one long-term relationship (on and off for 6 years, college and post-college) in there. My husband was the second guy I went on a date with after my LTR broke up. It’s such a crapshoot.
A couple weeks ago, I had a third date with a guy. We had had two fun dates the previous weekend and he had asked to take me to a nicer place to dinner on our third date. In the intervening week, he had been acting very negative and whiney and I had also had two dates with another guy, who I really clicked with. I should have canceled the date, but figured it’s just dinner. He comes late, suggests that we Uber to dinner so we can both drink (I declined and drove, but you know “he’s the man, he’s supposed to drive), brings flowers that I have to deal with before we can leave (see already late). Then he just acts clueless, says some really stupid and disrespectful things at dinner and behaves like an ass. We finish dinner and he says that it’s too early for our date to be over and we should go out for live music and proceeds to start looking on his phone. I told him that I didn’t want to do that and we could have planned that ahead if we wanted to. We ended up going to a nice bar for a drink and he got so drunk that then he claimed he was too drunk to drive home from my house. He was absolutely convinced that, despite the fact that he barely noticed me or touched me, that this was out “big night” and that I was going to invite him to stay over. Truth be told, I was never going to do that because I sparked so much with the other guy the same week. He then gets embarrassed and angry and tells me that he’s just going to sober up downstairs at my house and will let himself out. Well, he can’t do that because you need a key to get out and lock my house and no way is this guy having a key to my house. So I sat up until 1:30 am while he sat there and drank water, while I messaged with one of my former students who is breaking up with her boyfriend. So incredibly awkward. I suspect that he may also have lied and drunk wine out of the bottle at my house while I was upstairs changing clothes. He sent me long text messages to apologize the next day and completely does not get how this s3xual attraction thing works. He got really angry and I blocked him. Happily, I’m still dating guy #2 and excited about where it may be going (besides the bedroom).
Noooo, he didn’t need to go to/stay at your house after at all. Just pointing this out to suggest you say no next time.
It was slightly more complicated than that, but I know.
“Going dancing” turned out to mean “meet me for the final hour a days-long self-help seminar… where there, inexplicably, was dancing.” I didn’t even want to _go_ dancing, but I was trying to do, like, a Year of Yes! in my mid-20s. I probably should have left when the address I didn’t recognize turned out to be a suburban conference hotel. But I didn’t! I watched in horror for about twenty minutes before fleeing to hotel bar. I eventually called a cab. He texted me his concerns about my heart chakras on and off for weeks until I blocked his number.
Oh! And there was the time this cute, cute, cute guy I met on the train took out his partial plate and laid it on the table during dinner. I mean, I can appreciate that there are perfectly good reasons a man might not have front teeth. But are there perfectly good reasons to lay your teeth on the table? I started taking an earlier train to avoid him.
And I once went on a date with a guy I met online. Apparently he asked me out explicitly to argue with me about a band he loved that my dating profile said I hated. That band was Hoobastank. Hoobastank!
This made me laugh out loud.
I got asked for a refund. Via the dating app. He even tacked on additional refunded monies for “pain and suffering.” I was an immature 24 year old at the time so I’m sure when it wasn’t going well and I felt trapped I didn’t respond the best but I mean…
The crazy part is in the moment I offered to split the tab with him.
This was years ago, but – I was invited on a date with a guy from my work who I didn’t know very well but thought was cute. He said he had tickets to our local college team’s basketball game (we don’t have pro sports in our city so college basketball is a big thing). He came and picked me up, etc. As it was about 6 in the evening, I suggested grabbing a bite to eat – I hadn’t eaten dinner – and he was like, nope, gotta get to the game. You can get food at the game. Even though the game tipoff wasn’t until 7:30. When we got to the game, his entire family was there – mom, dad, two brothers and a sister. He warmly introduced me and I made some awkward small talk with his mom and sister while waiting over an hour for the game to start. It was apparent from the mom’s reaction that she thought her son and I knew each other much better than we actually did. As soon as the game started, he kept talking to his dad and his brothers and almost ignored me – I very much got a vibe that at “the game” the men talk to each other and the womenfolk talk about whatever girly things will hold their interest. Eventually I went to get nachos as I was starving, and I couldn’t even get his attention to see if he wanted me to grab him anything. End of the game, he takes me back home and indicates he has an expectation of coming inside…nope. I thanked him, said good night, and shut the door.
Here’s the really awkward part: a couple of days after the date he starts ignoring me entirely – full-on, “you do not exist” shunning. He starts hitting on my coworker and a couple of weeks later invites her out on a date. He took her on the exact same date he took me on: a basketball game with his family, same behavior, same expectation at the end of the date. She also shut the door in his face and shortly thereafter he got a different job and left. We found out about this one day talking in the breakroom and had a good laugh about it. I wonder how many women at that job got taken on the same date by that guy.
That is wild! I’ve known several guys who have worked their way through all the women in the office, but never quite so awkwardly.
Went on 5ish dates with a guy last winter, I liked him as a person well enough, but really felt no big spark and our interests didn’t really align (he wanted me to go to sporting events as “dates” with him at a frequency I wasn’t interested in), and he didn’t seemed overly physically attracted. By that, I mean I don’t think he thought I was ugly or anything, but he didn’t initiate much physical contact/touch. We sort of mutually didn’t try to set up a next date, I was the person who didn’t respond to the last text message, but I wouldn’t call it a ghost, it was like we just ran out of things to say. I got a “What ever happened to you, why did we stop seeing each other?! How did I let you get away!” text from him earlier this fall. I responded with a cordial “Hey, felt like it was a mutual thing and I didn’t feel a spark, good luck out there!”. He kept texting, when I chose not to respond, I got a similar text every few days for weeks until I blocked him. Seriously? What switch flips after over 8 months that makes me the one that got away, and what gives you the right to hound me? No.
Men are so weird! If we are attracted at all to them, they do not want to have $ex, and if we are NOT attracted to them, they want to have $ex right away. We have to figure out the right formula so that we can get the right guy to marry and have $ex with; not the schlubs that we can’t even begin to fathom huffeing and puffeing on top of us with their bad breathe! FOOEY!
When I was in college, I reconnected (courtesy of what was then “thefacebook.com”) with a grade school crush whose family had moved away before high school. We immediately started talking for hours every night over AIM (hi, 2004) and then the phone. We had a lot to talk about and obviously stalked each other’s pics. I thought he was still super cute, he told me I was gorgeous, we said lots of romantic things to each on the phone. Eventually he decided to drive several hours to come visit me and take me out on a date. My friends (ok, and me too) were all convinced it was a real life rom com. Except when he showed up it was a complete disaster. His whole personality instantly changed, and instead of being the sweet adorable guy I’d be falling for on the phone, he became this weird bro-y guy who just wanted to brag about his (his parents’) money, his academic accomplishments (I think he had a chip on his shoulder that I went to a better school?) and his s3xual conquests. He was in a band (of course he was) and he made me listen to the band’s CD in the car ride to dinner, except it was a demo with like 2 songs on it, so we heard the complete CD at least 5 times, and it was…not good. And when I mentioned a band I listened to, he proceeded to lecture me about why they were terrible and why I didn’t know anything about music (to this day, someone – especially a man – insulting my choice in music is one of my biggest pet peeves). Anyway, after that miserable date, he still asked to come inside and “see my dorm room,” and when I said no, he asked me to perform a certain s3x act in the car, which I declined to do. Oh well, I got a story out of it and at least I never have to wonder about “the one that got away.”
Another awful date was with a guy I met at a party who pursued me, asked for my number, called me and asked me out, etc. When I met up with him he suggested pizza because money was tight (ok, fine, whatever) but then after we’d eaten and it was time to pay the bill he said “oh by the way, I don’t have any money, can you cover it?” I have no problem going dutch, but if you’re going to ask me out you should at least cover your share! At least that guy had the good sense not to ask for s3x.
Moral of the stories, men are trash. Sorry OP.
I’m a bit late to this thread, but if anyone’s still reading….I once went on a date with a surgeon who said, “God makes mistakes and I fix them.” Cue silent, frantic strategizing about how to end the date.
I’ve had more of the thank goodness I weeded you our scenarios, but here we go . . .
– I Googled a guy who I had been chatting with for a few hours to discover that he had been charged with having sex with a 17 yr old student (he is 41). His court case is ongoing. NOPE.
– (note: If you are in an open / ethically non-monogamous relationship, awesome just be upfront about it or if you’re married but cheating please come clean asap). A guy I had been chatting with who invited me to his house (not the first meeting dude!), came clean that he is married and his wife didn’t know he was on a dating app but can’t we just be friends?? This was after 100% flirting with me, telling me I was out of his league, etc. Then, after I said no thank you, he said, do you ever think this is why you’re single?? Hahaha! Okay dude.
– went out with a guy who I had amazing chemistry with. He agreed. We texted for a week before our second date. I knew he was seeing other people, nbd. However, he would NOT STOP TELLING ME when he had someone else over for sex! I asked him nicely to please stop even though we weren’t exclusive, I didn’t want to always know about it. He told me that I then needed to stop asking about his day/night. Ummm okay. I’m not telling you about my dates and I am definitely not telling you if I sleep with someone else! No third date for him.
– insert other stories about matching with people who want a woman on the side but don’t come clean after talking for a day or two.
Sigh.
I am looking forward to your links, I have been reworking the cocktail part of my closet. I got rid of old shoes, dressy sandals that turned my feet into pastrami, and freebie clutches.
I posted a link to NOLA’s recommended recipe for the wild rice-corn-butternut squash recipe on the morning thread. I can vouch for it, it’s delicious.
Oh, sorry! It’s Epicurious, right? I didn’t see that from this morning. I get so busy at work, I never think to look back.
I was reading the morning thread while I ate lunch at 2:15. :(
And no worries, I had the link handy; I love that recipe and so does my entire family, thanks for the original suggestion!
I just posted it for her on Fb.
Looks great! Thanks!
I am five years out of law school and coming to terms with the fact that I will not pay off my student loans before I make partner. I’m slated to make partner January 20-21, and at the rate I’m paying, I will be working really hard to pay them off by the end of 2021. I’m really bummed, but I had some serious health issues and the medical bills to go along with them in the last 5 Years so I’m happy to be healthy and just figuring out how to adjust my expectations for myself. Just sharing as I know some of you have already had that great stage of having no student loans, others are in my boat, and it’s hard to talk with friends about money sometimes.
If you’re going to make partner/have some guarantee of that, why does it even partner? Doesn’t your income jump up significantly at partnership and you can just make the lump sum payment then? This is a much bigger issue when people are told/have an idea that they WON’T make partner.
You’ll be ok! I’m about to finish my 8th year of practice and still have about 20% of my original loan balance left. (And I’m not, and never will be, a law firm partner.)
Comparison is the thief of joy. You may not be where you want to be, but you are doing really well objectively, and the only reason you haven’t met your goals are for very valid ones (medical) beyond your control. You’ll make partner 6-7 yrs out of law school and have your loans paid off shortly thereafter. Most people don’t make partner at all and many will be paying their loans off for 10-20 yrs. You’re doing great!
I’m 11 years out and still have 20 years. It doesn’t bother me. I like to live my life and the loans are just part of it. Shrug.
Is this OK, or do I need to wear pantyhose if I wear a skirt suit? Hearing, not trial. Thanks.
Totally 100% fine. Have worn black tights with skirt suits many times in that court.
+1
Please remind me – what is the amazing hair tool we’ve discussed here? It’s a blow dryer yet smooths – maybe it’s a Revlon tool? Thanks, hive!
Revlon One-Step dryer and volumizer!
Thank you!
I’m relatively new to this website, so forgive me if this has been discussed previously: How do you find/make time to work out on a regular basis? I’m a new associate at a law firm, going back to work after many years as a SAHM. I’m currently working 10-11 hour days and by the time I get home, I’m just exhausted. I have about 3-4 hours in the evenings to make and eat dinner, do any chores or errands, and spend some quality time with my kids. I already get up at 6 am daily to go to work, so getting up an hour earlier is not going to happen. Thanks for any tips or advice!
You could try HIIT. Google the seven minute workout or the one minute workout — I actually bought the book The One-Minute Workout: Science Shows a Way to Get Fit That’s Smarter, Faster, Shorter and when I’m pressed for time I use one of the workouts he discusses – they are all connected to actual research experiments and he discusses the different parameters and you might be able to match up workouts with your goals. Anyone can get through less than ten minutes, right? As you work out more, you’ll feel more energy and might be able add in different and longer workouts. It really depends on your goals — do you want to be more aerobically fit? Add muscle? Burn calories? Short HIIT workouts will at least get you started on all three of those goals and most of them don’t require any equipment, just the fortitude to do multiple rounds of burpees and the like. Get your kids to do burpees and jumping jacks with you? Good luck!
I get up at 5. Have done it for years. I don’t like waking up that early, but that’s when I have time to work out.
I’ve done the work out at lunch thing (not great when putting on work clothes after), the after work thing (not great in winter, with kids at home, don’t feel like it) and before work (one shower a day, don’t have “must work out” hanging over my head). I have a treadmill and I’ve done videos and run outside.
But 5 am is just what works for me.
I try and combine exercise with quality time with the kids. Get them to come for a run with you (on scooters/bikes if necessary)? Run around with them in park playing tag or doing star jumps? Go for a run with kiddo in a pram? Stuff like that isn’t necessarily as good as a dedicated gym session, but it is a decent way to add at least some activity into your day and demonstrate healthy lifestyles for the kids.
Give yourself grace to not have a perfect workout routine as you get used to this grind. Also, what can you outsource now that you have a law firm salary, to make time for exercise. For example, do you have to be the one making dinner, or could you hire someone to do that? I’m in biglaw with kids, and there’s no magic bullet.
It’s not easy to find time for exercise. I only do it early in the morning and/or on weekends. I’m a big fan of the jogging stroller, if your kids are still that little. I try to remember that the perfect is the enemy of the good. A 7-minute-workout is better than no workout
I work out at lunch twice a week and both days on the weekend. I never thought I would be a mid day exerciser, but after having kids, I find it by far the most practical time to do it.
OP here – thanks for your responses. I tried out a 7 minute workout today and was pretty impressed for the impact in such a short time. I know I can at least do that daily, which like was said, is better than nothing.
I’m still trying to find balance in my life since going back to work, and trying to control the things I CAN control, so I really appreciate everyone’s suggestions.