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I don't think we included Ted Baker in our roundup of preppy clothes, but I think we should have — I think of them very much as being defined by feminine details like the tiny polka dots here, as well as high quality and generally sophisticated, polished looks. The thing I really like about this sweater is it works well with jeans as well as with work trousers, at least for a casual day — and the collar will look great on Zoom calls.
It can sometimes be a mystery how to use accessories with this kind of collar and sweater — I might just go for earrings, or a long pendant would work as well. The sweater is currently $119 during the NAS, but after the sale it will go back to $229.
Happy weekend, all!
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
I can’t decide if I want to stick with private practice or go in house. I’ve been starting to specialize and like it (two subject areas that most businesses need, for example, tax or employment or privacy). I started in private practice, got poached by a client and worked in house, then went to a different private practice firm after the legal dept. imploded due to scandals I was not involved in…think, affairs, harassment, etc. I like private practice, I don’t mind business development, I’m on track to make equity partner next year. I do miss digging in to one corp/it’s affiliates. I don’t mind tracking time and have no illusions about a day of meetings being fun.
How do I figure this out? I feel some pressure to have a “ten year” especially if I make yet another move at this point. I feel like if I go back in house, I’m stuck in house for at least 5 years. If I make partner, I feel like I need to stay partner 5 years before it would make sense to switch.
Thoughts? Is there a limit to working these 2-5 year stints? I love variety and every place I’ve worked or intern would take me back so I think I’m good re: not burning bridges, but I just have trouble saying “here’s what I want until I’m 50.”
Anonymous
You’re putting a ton of unnecessary constraints on this. Sounds like you like your job now. Great. Keep it. Make partner. If you decide at some point you don’t like it, job hunt. You don’t have to decide for the next 5 or ten years.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this. I feel like the old “job hopper” stigma is pretty much out the window at this point and we’ve definitely all found out that plans are what you make when you want to make God laugh.
Anon
Key considerations in my mind are how much you like flexibility (law firm has more IMHO; I’m in-house 10 years), whether you prefer to be the star or a cast member (in-house is a supporting fx at the end of the day no matter high up you are), and whether you’re ok selling. Controversial views maybe.
Leatty
I’m considering purchasing a leather sectional with a chaise to replace my beat up sectional. Any recommendations?
Must be comfortable, built to hold up well to small children and pets, and relatively deep since DH is very tall. Our decorating tastes trend more towards Pottery Barn, but not sure about the quality there.
Any recommendations appreciated!
Veronica Mars
Mitchell Gold makes the leather and cloth furniture for most mall brands like PB and Restoration Hardware but you can get things direct from them and with higher quality finishes. I also am waiting on some swatches from COCOCO (comfortable couch company) based in NC which does very high quality items.
Anon
Costco has wonderful leather sectionals in modern and traditional styles. I bought one over a year ago and it’s comfortable and very durable (my animals have been active on it and it still looks brand new). The prices are great as well, especially if you catch it on sale.
Anonymous
We have an Ethan Allen sectional and it has held up well. You might also look at Stickley.
Anon
Room and board — customizable, high quality and durable. Writing this as I am lounged across the extra wide chaise sectional I’ve had for the past 6 years that has survived abuse from a toddler and 2 moves.
Essential in Texas
Check out Interior Define. We ordered our sectional completely online and it’s been wonderful. Very pet friendly and VERY comfortable.
Anon
My cousin has become one of those online influencers for a popular workout program and it makes me super sad. She has a Master’s degree, is from a loving and well-to-do family, and was recognized as a leader in her professional field. Now she posts multiple times per day in cute exercise clothes with full make-up about “overcoming obstacles,” “showing up,” and “persevering” and how her daily workout helps her do that. My sweet, smart cousin has become an insta-bot and I miss the real her :(
Anon
She can be both. Her insta-bot is just her side gig. I’m sure when you talk to her, she’s still the same person.
Anon
+1
Mute her, OP.
Anonymous
People with advanced education can enjoy working out at home. It’s an easy side gig. I know a lot of people who taught yoga or pilates etc once a week as a side gig before covid and I’m sure a lot of them have moved to online teaching now.
Monday
I agree, and also was a fitness instructor on the side. However, it’s valid to feel disappointed by multiple glamour shots per day with vacuous captions. I agree with the advice to mute her on Instagram and establish 1:1 contact to reconnect with her more substantive self.
nutella
Do you mean she is part of an MLM-type coaching program or selling shakes? If not, there is nothing wrong with someone having multiple facets to their personality, or not using your degree, or deciding to pursue a different path (either bc of financial or passion-driven reasons), or even posing what you think are vain photos. You have my sympathies if it is an MLM, though.
Anon
Even if it’s the popular shakes and videos MLM, I know so many people that have benefited from the videos. I don’t see it as bad as some of the others. Being a “coach” and having a persona to maintain also helps a lot of people stay in shape. I have a good friend that’s a coach and she does it (1) for the personal discounts and (2) to have a reason to work out daily aside from “it’s healthy.”
Anon
My older cousin’s adult daughter has not done a sincere Facebook or Instagram post in a year or more. There will be a cute picture of her with her sister’s toddler and I will click because I want to know how they are all doing, and then it will be an ad for some concoction she drinks and sells, and how she couldn’t keep up with a toddler without it.
I mean, get real, people been keeping up with toddlers since the beginning of time without drinking some chemical sludge.
I should just unfollow her. Thanks for the push.
Kitten
IDK her new job sounds way more fun if you ask me…
Anon
Oh boy. Is your cousin also my former roommate, maybe with connections to Philly by chance!? You describe my former roommate PERFECTLY. And she’s muted in all my social media… strongly recommend.
Anonymous
I have posted on here a few times about trying to find an in-house gig and struggling to continue on in my biglaw associate job because of mental health stuff. I am (cautiously) excited to report that I think I have landed a great in-house litigation gig!!!! I haven’t received the official offer, but I have had 5 zoom interviews with various members of the team (including 2 with the general counsel) they are contacting my references on Monday and have told me they are very keen on me, we have discussed compensation, etc. – all signs point to me getting this job. I am obviously not going to quit my current job until I have the offer in hand, but in preparing to do so, I have realized that I have no idea how to go about quitting a biglaw job. I think in my employment contract it says I have to give 4 weeks notice, but everyone who I have seen quit so far only gave two weeks. What is the protocol here? Do I simply state when my last day will be and that’s that, or should I ask how much notice I have to give and then work out the date with the firm? I have a date in mind that would be perfect as it would allow me to have a week off in between jobs.
Anonymous
Definitely take a week off between jobs, don’t give up that precious time.
I’d give the full 4 weeks if possible. Idk if the other departures were going to a competitor or in house/other, but ime you’re basically a persona non grata as soon as you announce you’re leaving for a competitor. Even if the attorney gave 4 weeks notice, the firm mightve kicked them out sooner. You’re not in that position though.
Senior Attorney
Don’t ask — tell them when your last day will be.
And good luck! Fingers crossed it all works out!
Anonymous
“boss, I’m taking a position at another business [name it if you want to but you’re not required to] next month. Im willing to work through [4 weeks from today], but if it’s easier to have me leave after I complete transition memos, I think I will have those done within the next two weeks. I’ll send you an email so you have written notice, too. Feel free to think on my last day.”
-follow your contract requirements aka do you need to send a certified letter? Might be crazy outdated, but do it
– if they tell you to leave immediately, be ready to be without pay for however long
– take pictures of your office setup if you’re in person or mentally inventory anything yours that they might think is theirs (I had a full set of a major and expensive treatise that I purchased, plus every office organizer was my own – you know what matters to you)
– document the date they say is your last day don’t let it be a fight later “you had to give 4 weeks but left after 2.5”
Source – half my practice is contentious departures, most of which could be avoided with clear communication about logistics like dates and office items. No kidding.
Anonymous
I voluntarily took 6-8 weeks off between jobs a while back (got recruited away and told them I couldn’t start until Month, gave notice at my then current job effective 3 weeks later). It was one of the best times of my life. I visited grandparents, read a ton of books, purged and ACTUALLY PACKED instead of paying people or throwing suu to go in most boxes. I didn’t have a ton of money but I was able to fly to visit a friend across the country over a long weekend, too. Pre Covid of course. But I highly encourage the week off.
Trixie
Unless there is a clear reason not to do so, give two weeks notice. More weeks means people go from “we will miss her! how will we live without her!” to “here are the reasons I don’t like her” or “wish she would leave so we can get on with it.” 4 weeks can be a long time.
Anonymous
Weird question: has anyone ever broken their wrist while sleeping? I often sleep with my hands under my pillows and sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night to flip sides my hands are so asleep and floppy and dead to me that I worry I will break my wrist trying to flip over. Am I crazy?
BabyAssociate
That used to happen to me a lot. It’s just your position making your hands fall asleep. I really don’t think you’re going to break a wrist.
Anonymous
Yeah I think this is a crazy thing to be worried about. Reminds me of when I got a (nearly 20 lb) cat and was afraid I would roll over in my sleep and crush him. Turns out cats are REALLY good at letting you know when they’re displeased with you.
Anon
You don’t say, she said, scratched up.
CountC
I have experienced dead arms almost all my sleeping life and, rest assured, I have never broken a wrist no matter how much I fling and beat my arms against whatever to get them to wake up again! I would not worry about this one :)
Senior Attorney
I agree that breaking a wrist is vanishingly unlikely, and I am very pleasantly surprised to find out I’m not the only person whose arms get numb in my sleep!
Carmen Sandiego
Me too! I have been getting numb arms for the last year or so and thought there was either something wrong with my circulation system or it’s because I sleep very hard and hardly move at all, but sounds like other people get it too!
Anonymous
A better pillow/mattress solves this problem for me
Anonymous
+1. I used to get this all the time and switched to a firmer mattress. Can’t remember the last time now.
Senior Attorney
Interesting. Now that you mention it, I haven’t had this problem since we got our new mattress! Huh!
tesyaa
Coming in late to say, I think this is a form of carpal tunnel syndrome. Got so bad for me during one pregnancy that I trained my self to sleep with my arms down by my side (weird I know)
Anonyz
If you often experience numbness and tingling, I would suggest wrist braces for sleep. I was told to permanently brace a previously-sprained wrist during sleep to prevent lying on it incorrectly and re-damaging it.
Ses
counterexample anecdata: I know someone who sprained an ankle while flapping a sleeping foot around to wake it up.
Vent
Experian is the absolute worst company in the world. I am trying to temporarily lift a credit freeze so I can refinance. I cannot accomplish this through their online system. Their phone system does not have actual people or an option to lift a credit freeze. Instead, they want me to send a letter with copies of my driver’s license, social security card, and a recent bill–basically, everything necessary to steal my identity. I don’t love the idea of sending this stuff through the mail, and I definitely don’t trust Experian to shred these documents. Plus, it will probably take weeks for them to process the request. I’m just hoping mortgage companies will accept credit scores from the other two companies and call it good enough.
Carmen Sandiego
Oh really random, but I was trying to get a student loan refi interest rate through SoFi this morning, and I kept getting an error. When I contacted them they said that Experian is who they use and that Experian’s site was down today so to check back later because they were working on it. Is it possible that you’re just having issues do to that.
Carmen Sandiego
*due
Vent
Thanks, good to know! I’ll try again in a few days. I don’t take back my comment that they’re the worst.
CountC
Does this link work for you? This is how I have been able to do it through Experian. Sorry you are having so much trouble!
https://www.experian.com/ncaconline/removefreeze
Vent
Nope. I fill out the form and get redirected to a request to send a letter and copies of all my personal information.
Anon
What is the reason given that you can’t lift it online? There is a specific site from Experian to do this separate from the main site, have you tried? Experian is speficifically set up to put and lift freezes online. What number are you contacting? I just have a feeling you’ve come upon a scam duplicate site.
Anonymous
Exactly. I have done it twice in the past year and had no problems doing it online. Once was when I bought a car, and I did it right at the dealership while filing out the paperwork.
Vent
When I fill out the form linked above, I get redirected to a page that says, “We were unable to honor your request to temporarily remove your security freeze based on the information you entered.” No explanation. I couldn’t figure out how to circumvent their phone system to talk to an actual person.
anon
This happened to me and I was finally able to get someone on the phone to lift it. Keep trying.
Anonymous
They’re the worst & would not stop spamming me with inflammatory emails about how I needed to pay them to keep me safe from the “dark web”
anon
I spent some time yesterday temporarily unfreezing my credit too. Experian’s automated phone line was unable to understand me for some reason — it kept hearing “freeze” or “unfreeze” as “dispute.” I just kept pressing 0 until it routed me to an actual person and from there it took less than 5 minutes. TransUnion was also a little annoying; Equifax was by far the easiest of the three.
Employment law
I am not an employment lawyer. Is there any neutral and free resource on the web that deals with this — a client want matters staffed only with members of some racial minorities. I’m not comfortable with this — I’m sure there are many gray areas, but don’t want to be sued and don’t know who to ask (we may have layoffs for being slow this year). I’ve already had a very awkward convo re a woman who appears to be white (she changed her name when she got married; her maiden name is one that is indicative of her heritage). I’ve been told before to reach out in assigning work but never to assign work to C and not to Y.
Anon
This sounds like a recipe for disaster. Please don’t staff a matter specifically only with X racial minority. The best way to approach this without burning any bridges or setting yourself up for internal blow back is to present the client with the slate of people who have the expertise and the rates they are looking for and let the client choose – if the client looks them up and sees that some are racial minorities and chooses them, that is their prerogative but you’ve presented the people capable of doing the work.
If you have a large department of capable people and none are racial minorities – that’s probably a hiring issue on your part and client is reasonable to find a new firm.
Anonymous
What would you do if the client specified that they didn’t want any black people on the matter? Do that.
Anonymous
Yeah, many clients want to have diverse teams of lawyers either due to BLM or due to the studies showing results. If you have the photos up on the website, people can make their own judgments based on bio or photo. Remember though, that depending on your operating agreement, partners may or may not be W2 (at my firm they’re owners not employees) and the rules are completely different for owners in my state. Saying “ partner Jane is gender non conforming and Asian” would be legal. Weird sounding. Not saying its right. But not illegal. I think businesses that require diverse teams often have it in the engagement letter or look at the website.
Anonymous
Yes. You are not going to break your wrists.
It is possible that you have a medical problem (physical or psychological) or your pillow or mattress needs replaced.
Ruggable Q
I have a smaller ruggable and a larger runner, both new. The runner seems to sounds like the cover is still meshing into the velcro — it makes a velcro sound when you walk on it. This will ease up as it’s walked on more? The small one is quiet.
Anon Probate Atty
Yes, it will dissipate after it’s walked on a bit more.
Worried
I wanted to share some Friday viewing for those who love home and antique restoration. I have become obsessed with a YouTube channel called chateau diaries where an amazingly charming and talented woman films life on the chateau, including small trips to neighbouring chateaux and historic churches. She started her own channel after appear on escape to the chateau DIY a bbc show I stream, and escape to the chateau, the original series. I highly recommend this! Happy Friday.
Senior Attorney
So fun! Thanks!
Anon
Ooh thanks!
Worried
Hope you enjoy this! When I watch this I’m transported back to my travels and I also love the cast of helpers who participate in the restoration, as well as Stephanie’s knowledge and her enthusiasm for bringing back the chateau to its original glory.
Good pillows
I used to get good firm/fluffy pillows at Target, but they were pretty empty when I went by. These are for propping up in bed with — I think it would be a bit much to sleep on. Any online ordering recs? Regular synthetic (no feathers, no foam). And basic budget; not looking for a $$$ pillow.
Also, any recommendations for husband-type pillows (either with arms or the triangular ones)? Turns out, kids like to do their reading lounging in bed like college students. Our Ikea had a run on desks when our city went remote, so I’m happy to buy some propping pillows in the meantime.
Anon
Just wait another week or two. It’s student return and everywhere is wiped out right now.
anon
I got pillows from Home Goods a couple of weeks ago. They don’t sell online so you’ll have to go in person but I got a set of two extra-firm pillows for $20.
Anon
Got perfect sitting-up-in-bed pillows at Costco recently. 2-pack and well priced.
Anon
Ok I’ve watched two seasons of Married at First Sight. I felt like season two was unnecessarily drawn out compared to season one. I also didn’t really understand the matches. There’s more on this but it would be spoil-y to bring up, so for those who have seen it, read some of the stuff on redd1t about it.
Without spoiler alerts, could someone tell me if it gets better in subsequent seasons?
Carmen Sandiego
Every season is unnecessarily drawn out. This season is in New Orleans, so of course I’m watching it, and I feel like it is by far the weirdest season so far. They are horrible at matching. Like my dog would do a better job matching couples.
Anon
Spoiler alert
Here’s a link that includes info on the “matching” work they did for Season 2
https://www.reddit.com/r/MarriedAtFirstSight/comments/hqb1ug/im_new_did_we_all_know_about_accusations_of_ryan/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Carmen Sandiego
Oh, yes, I remember that couple and I also remember vaguely getting the sense that he seemed violent or prone to outbursts and I did NOT like him. I remember being like do they screen these people thoroughly?
Anon
> do they screen these people thoroughly
Apparently only the women.
I was so mad that Davina got the b1tch edit when the guy they paired her with was such a dud. She’s so much like many of us on here – good career, knows what she wants – and apparently that makes her “satan.”
Anon
It’s definitely very drawn out, even for a reality show. I’ve only watched Boston and Dallas, and I liked Boston a lot more. Not all the couples were good matches, but all of them were interesting to follow and the one couple that was a good match was adorable and very easy to root for. In Dallas all the couples were bland and boring and there was also some political and cultural stuff that was a turnoff to me and prevented me from rooting for the couple(s) you were supposed to root for.
Albatross
Things I am contemplating today:
1) why did I just get a bill for this provider as out of network with my health insurance, when I was told very clearly that they were in-network?
2) is it helpful or passive-aggressive to include the ticket number where I was told that they were in-network, by name, for this specific health problem, when I email the benefits person about this?
3) do I care what the company benefits person thinks of me, as long as they get the billing straightened out?
(The out-of-network cost isn’t unbearably much – we could pay it if we had to – but it’s also five times what I was told I’d need to pay.)
Anon
I don’t think this isn’t company benefits person if by company you mean your employer. You should vet this with your insurance company directly, no?
Also we’ve had situation where a doctor is also part of a larger medical practice group. The Wider group was covered but the individual doctor is not (don’t ask me why) so rejection is coverage was tied to basically just a coding error – it was submitted to insurance as an appointment with the doctor, and rejected. It was resubmitted as an appointment with the practice group and accepted.
Anonymous
I am not sure why you would go through your company’s benefits person for this. My health insurance provider incorrectly processes in-network claims as out-of-network all the time. The easiest way to get it fixed is to have the health care provider’s billing department resubmit the claim.
Anon
You should be polite but firm and absolutely include the ticket number. That’ll just make everything easier.
Anon
To echo everyone else, I would start with your insurance here.
However, to add something additional to everyone else: I once had a major out of network/in network issue with my co. provided insurance, and after a couple of rounds with insurance where it was clear I was talking to people that had no idea (even when I asked for “supervisors”), I did contact my HR benefits who were totally on my side, took it from there & solved it (although even then it took months). I work at a large co. and I think we have whole liaisons for this that have contacts at the insurance co. that you and I don’t have access to, and those contacts are I think eager to work with a multi national co. HR in ways that the insurance people I was individually getting access to were not for me.
It was a very stressful & scary experience, but it also made me sad to think how broken the system is. If I wasn’t backed by a big corporate HR, I’m not sure what would have happened even though I was 100% in the right.
Anonymous
As I am reading this, I am finishing listening to an episode of an NPR podcast called Arm and a Leg. This specific episode features a company benefits rep/HR person whose passion is handling issues like this for employees. He says the insurance companies take his call bc he makes decisions as to who the company’s insurer will be from year to year. In the episode, the issue is exactly yours. And the insured started with the insurer, failed, appealed, failed, and then went to the HR guy, who succeeded. So I’d suggest taking the same path.
Anonymous
Also, yes, absolutely include the documentation.
Anon
Right before the pandemic I bought 2 tubes of fancy mascara from Sephora. I haven’t opened either. I wear mascara about 2x/week tops, so I don’t want the nice ones to go to waste. What do you think is the longest I can hold on to them without opening before they go bad?
Anonymous
Not sure, but I’ll tell you, I’m team just wear the damn mascara. What are you waiting for?
anon
To each their own but my skin and hair are loving being product-free these past 6 months. I see no need to wear makeup around my house, especially if it means extra steps in my skincare routine to get it off.
Ribena
Without opening, indefinitely. The three-month clock starts when you open them.
Anon
This has been my experience. I buy my favorite pricey mascara when there’s a 2 for 1 sale so I probably have unopened tubes a year old or more.
Jules
And maybe store it in the fridge.
Anon
A sort of weird question on cleaning cloth face masks: My husband and I both have oily faces. After putting some our of masks through the wash, the nosepiece area still has oil from our noses there! The area’s turned yellow and, frankly, a little gross / sticky with the oil and sweat residue… the lining is a thin white cotton lining.
Anyone have suggestions on how to remove? Clearly just a normal wash will not work! The outside fabric of the mask is a thicker, colored twill, so I’m hesitant to use anything that may strip color.
anon
I mean … does it actually matter? Nobody sees that part except you. I would try an oxyclean paste and leave it on for awhile before washing. However, I would not expect it to get rid of all the yellow; my experience is that’s pretty impossible.
Anon
+1 who cares if no one sees it?
OP
It’s less the appearance. It’s more that it still feels slightly tacky and oily to me, and I don’t want to put it back on my nose for all-day wear. Some mask-ne is already appearing on my cheeks, so if I can do something easy to minimize buildup of oil in the nose area and prevent other mask-ne, I’d love that haha
Anon
Eh I’m not OP and I would care.
Anonymous
Use sunlight to bleach it out that way?
Anonymous
Rub that area with a tiny amount of Dawn dish detergent before you wash them. Or any dish liquid that says it cuts grease.
Anon
Dawn yes. And then wash with oxy clean added to the wash. That will get rid of it.
Senior Attorney
My go-to spot stain remover is Zout. It comes in a red spray bottle and pretty much gets anything out.
Anon
Greased Lightning or a store brand degreaser at Home Depot/Lowes will take care of it. Soak the area for a little while before tossing the masks in the wash.
Anon
Oxyclean laundry spray or throw a cup of baking soda in the wash. Dawn would work but more effort.
Anonymous
I have a meaningless gripe that I just need to get off my chest – thanks for listening. I’ve had this issue with so many men – If you don’t know if you will be available then that’s cool, but don’t make promises if your availability is just wishful thinking on your part. BF just started a new big project at work and they have a (small, socially distanced) kickoff party scheduled for this afternoon. Earlier this week, we were talking about it and he said he was looking forward to seeing me after. I was confused because the party is 3 hours away and I assume will involve drinking, so I wouldn’t have expected to see him. He said he really wants to see me. Ok… but dude you’re not going to make it, please don’t drive that far after even one or two drinks. He kept insisting he would come see me and I left it at, I’m going about my evening as if you’re not coming but you’re welcome to join me and my friends if you end up making it. Today at 4 he texted and said the reception was over. I asked if that means he’s on his way; nope, he’s going out to a beer garden with his new coworkers. Which he should totally do! Really important team building opportunity! But I really wanted to say I told you so!
Anon
I used to get tied up in knots over this. Now I just do the math: “We are all going out at 5 pm. In order to be there, you would have to leave at 2 pm. Your party starts at 1. If you want to drive six hours round trip to be there for an hour, that’s fine, but realistically, that won’t happen. Let’s see each other tomorrow.”
Ancestry Q
My family (white) has been in the SEUS forever. Thanks to the online dna/ancestry testing sites, I am linked to some third and fourth cousins. It turns out what while I am 100% white, my cousins aren’t. I’d expect this mixed heritage among my black friends here, but was really surprised to find that many of my relatives are up to about 5% black. No one knows anything about this. My guess is that way back when, one person was born biracial but could pass for white, and so that is what happened. That person long ago hid this secret (and may not have known 100% who their [white] father was, but was clearly much different looking than others) and married someone white (and so on, and so on, so that no one knew and no one is left who would have known anything). Are any of the rest of you noticing this? I guess is shows that we need to be our brother’s keeper — black, white, from where ever — that person may actually be your family somewhere back in time.
Anonymous
I am good being my Black neighbor’s keeper even if we don’t share a bloodline.
Trixie
I think this situation is common and obvious, and are you a troll?
Anon
You know that races as we think of them aren’t actually scientifically defined, right? There is no Black DNA, White DNA, etc, that you can have 5% of? But regardless, shouldn’t we be caring about other people all the time no matter what?
LaurenB
I do a lot of work with DNA, solve adoption cases, etc. Generally speaking, 4% or less of a particular ethnicity is noise and should be ignored. Moreover, there’s really no “pure” reference base of Black ancestry that they are comparing to (there’s no “pure” reference base for ANY ancestry, of course, but we’re talking about Black here). If I took every Black person in the US, extracted their DNA and tossed it into a pool and said “here’s your reference sample,” of course there’s going to be white Western European/ Caucasian DNA mixed in there due to slavery, but there’s no way to separate it out, so that’s your reference pool. If your heritage is similar to the kind of heritage that owned slaves, then you may wind up with a small % of “Black DNA” but it’s not really that *you* had a Black ancestor, it is that you share a small amount of similar DNA with the pool of Black people in this country.
Anon
5% is nothing and doesn’t necessarily mean what you’re thinking. Maybe they have Sicilian heritage, etc.
Somewhere Between Motivated and Over It
After an incredibly hectic schedule since the start of the year, and after reevaluating things in my calendar and removing things that did not serve me, I now have 8 weeks of a much lighter schedule but with one very intense project. Part of me feels like disappearing into everything on Netflix and vegging out while I can. The other part feels like now is the time to start with an exercise routine and a self-care routine and to learn about an area of business I do not know but should, etc. etc. I know that it doesn’t have to be all bleh on the couch or all goGoGO but trying to determine how to schedule myself or what to prioritize is somehow harder that it’s ever felt!
Anonymous
In your shoes, I would focus on starting routines you want to carry on when this break is over. If you don’t, I think that life will pick back up again and you will likely not start the routine then and look back and regret squandering the opportunity. You probably won’t look back and say “I am so glad I watched all of Indian Matchmaking in one day instead of 3.” But yeah, also do some relaxing things. You don’t need to fill the day with self-care and exercise, or even do that stuff every single day, to be building a more nourishing routine.
The Original ...
Wanting to commemorate a published book and knowing that I will have other books and a dissertation and maybe journal articles and such in the future. Initially, I had thought a first publication would be it, so I’d considered doing something with a tattoo. However, now I realize this is a bigger aspect of my life and is likely to continue. Does anyone have any ideas or clever thoughts on some way to honor these major moments? I am not super wealthy so buying diamonds or something every time isn’t an option. I once saw a scarf made out of dissertation words but that seems like a lot of seemingly identical looking scarves over time. Hoping someone’s creativity gives suggestions or ideas!
LaurenB
Perhaps knowing what your dissertation is about would help people come up with creative ideas.
Charmer
Charm bracelet? Maybe add a charm for each book and then one special individual charm for its main character, or setting, theme, what the book meant to you, etc. So you’d have a charm or two for each book. Vintage charms can be amazingly detailed. Check etzy for custom artists or online vintage jewelers to get an idea.
Anonymous
I meant to do bracelets after each milestone, and never did. I still wish I had, the jangly arms would be like armor when I need it. So I am voting for a bangle engraved inside with the name of your book.
Anonyz
If you’re considering a tattoo, there are designs specifically meant to be edited over time. A friend in ecology/habitat management has a small Japanese cherry tree, and she adds a blossom for each achievement. Something related to your genre/expertise could be designed and filled in at major milestones.
Anonymous
Tatoos for the win, imo. I’d do isbn numbers for books and diss and for articles maybe the isbn + vol and page citation
In House Lobbyist
Is anyone else thinking about what the fall and winter looks like with COVID and flu? I have been making sure our pantry is more stocked than normal since our shelves are almost back to normal. But then randomly all the juice shelves are empty and it makes me wonder should I be actively stocking up on everything. (And we only keep a few small apple juices for sick days so that’s not even a weekly purchase for me). I’ve bought a few things already for Christmas but I do like to plan ahead but wondering what others are doing now. I am torn between being a light prepper (two is one – one is none) and being Marie Kondo before COVID. My SEUS state is wide open and are schools are open but my large Democrat city is still only allowing 25 people in bars and restaurants are only 50% and must close at 10:30pm and schools are online only. I got to think we will be shut down more in the fall and winter since our schools usually close a week or so from general flu season.
Anonymous
While I still have yet to be touched by coronavirus in my circles, and I never truly locked down, but my state is not doing well. I am stocking a bit. I have already set aside a stash of a few months’ worth of paper products, cleaning products, and toiletries, plus things you might need if you are sick for three weeks with Covid (or frankly the flu), including some extra cloth and disposable surgical masks, that I have just decided not to touch. But I realized I never created a full stash of shelf-stable food items I might want if locked-down, so I am building that now. I am also trying to tear through my currently-very-full pantry, fridge, and freezer (typical for me, mostly unrelated to shelter-in-place), so I can rotate in a new stock and do better at making room for the more basic things I would want to buy in multiples if shopping infrequently. I am also collecting home workout items as they become available. I also plan to take stock of office supplies.
I am trying to Kondo everything else – furnishings, closets, junk drawers, toiletries, etc.- as time allows. But my home is in desperate, desperate need of this. YMMV.
I always get a flu shot, and I will again in 7-8 weeks.
Anon
Apparently the Southern Hemisphere hasn’t had much of a flu season this year, and it’s the equivalent of late February there now. It makes sense – the masks and the distancing and all the other measures in place for Covid should be equally or even more effective against the flu, since the natural R0 of flu is lower than Covid. I would certainly not be shocked if we have another shutdown come January (esp if Biden is president) but I would also not be at all surprised if things are not appreciably different in January/February than they are now. But there are a lot of variables, including flu season, politics, and holiday travel.
Anonymous
I am in an area that is in a spike and I restocked our food pantry and I am now keeping it up and working on restocking cleaning supplies, etc. My goal is to reduce our trips out now, and then if we get sick or my area goes to Italy style shutdown we won’t have to go running around getting ready for it.
Anon
What would you do?
My 4yo kid has been going to daycare this whole time. Three weeks ago, the facility closed due to covid and 5 people tested positive (no mandatory testing, sounds like just worried parents, so there are likely more cases). We also got tested and tested negative, and kept the kid home for an extra week, logic being – if there was spread outside the classroom, someone will come up positive over that week. Sure enough, they closed for two more weeks, meaning we’ll keep her home for at least 3. But at this point, my thinking is that clearly covid is spreading through that immediate community. There are about 100 kids at the preschool and classrooms aren’t exactly isolated from each other. Is it correct to conclude that it’s just a matter of time until it’s a full on outbreak? I’d love to find a model that I can input parameters into. But I think logically it’s a doomed situation (i.e. parent is infected from somewhere, passes it to kid1 at who’s at daycare and it’s somehow caught that he’s sick, daycare closes but in the meantime kid1 passes it to sibling kid2 on day 6, both go back to daycare because it’s been closed for the required 14 days, kid2 becomes source of infection because she didn’t actually meet quarantine).
I know many of you have been in this situation all along. What did you end up doing or what would you do? Find a small daycare center that’s open? Find a nanny (we don’t really have space for this but could do a babysitter for a few hours a day)? Take time off?
For more context, we are both very lucky to work from home right now but our jobs are busy. Husband’s job is not at all understanding about childcare issues. We have no family in this state.
Anon
I’m not sure what I would do, but I would be concerned about the extensive spread and I don’t think that’s normal at all. Cases are inevitable, but outbreaks aren’t. A teacher tested positive at my center in June, they shut the center for two weeks and one of her co-teachers tested positive a few days later, but then there have been no further cases since. Two friends in different geographic areas had similar experiences with a positive case but either no spread or spread limited to just a small classroom group. So I would be concerned about the fact that it’s all over the center, and I think you can find a daycare that does a better job of keeping class groups separated from each other.
Anon
OP here – good anecdata, thank you!
Anon
Not sure what the question is here. Can you send your kid back to school where it’s a place not set up for safety and where an outbreak is happening? Obviously this can’t be an option. Can you send your kid off each day with family? Obviously this isn’t an option. So it sounds like your options are for you and spouse to alternate work schedules or consider FMLA type situation or to hire someone to care for the child while you work. Since you’ll have more safety controls over selves than others, look into the feasibility of alternating either work shifts or time off for a long while. If that is not possible, the only option you have is to hire someone. Then you decide whether you feel safer with person in your home or your kid in their home. Set up rules about their bubble and recognize that there’ll be trust required. You may end up wanting to choose a college student stuck at home since their friends may be far away and they may be less expensive than a care facility. Whatever you choose, be mindful of legalities in terms of what you can require of them and how to protect yourselves so they can’t say your family got them sick.
Not easy for anyone, so sorry you have to go through this too!
Anon
Thank you!
Anonymous
I’m not sure it’s “obvious” you can’t send your kid back to this school. It doesn’t strike me as ideal, but I think you’re choosing from a lot of very not ideal options at this point. Family is out, a nanny is incredibly expensive (in my area they’re in such demand that families are offering $50 per hour and all kinds of retention bonuses) and a college student is likely to have so many social contacts that it doesn’t make this safer from a Covid perspective. And none of the sole caregiver options solve the issue of social contact for your child, which is very important for a 4 year old, especially given how long term this situation is going to be. This isn’t a two month lockdown, this is the next 1-2 years at a minimum, and I don’t think cutting your child off from peers is a risk-free solution, it’s just a different kind of risk. This probably also depends on you and your home setup, but I’m unable to focus on work when my child is in the house, even if there’s another adult responsible for caregiving. So for me to keep my job we needed a childcare solution that gets her out of the house. The small, in-home daycares in my area are unlicensed, and that’s a non-starter for me. The risk of abuse and neglect at those centers scares me much more than Covid, which is many times less deadly than the flu in children. Maybe there’s a smaller, licensed center that would be a better fit for you, but daycare was scarce before and is even scarcer now. I think it makes sense to explore other options but I wouldn’t beat yourself up if you decide this is your best option. There’s nothing that would cause us to leave our daycare except them announcing a permanent closure. (Caveat that our family is low risk and we assume we’re exposed at all times, so we don’t go anywhere indoors and don’t visit grandparents.)
Anon
OP here – solid points indeed. I am with you on all the points, except I seem to have lost faith in my childcare center, unfortunately.
Anon
If your family is just geographically out, could you bring your kids to your family? I have a friend that drove the kids to the grandparents and they stayed there a month during a daycare shutdown.
Anon
OP here – We thought about this briefly but it would mean asking a parent to retire which is an astronomical ask. They are all retirement age but all have careers and still working full+ time. If someone asked me to give up my career forever for 1-2 years of active childcare duty I would have to think really, really hard about the position it puts me into, financially, socially, psychologically, and physically, after this fire drill is over, including the additional elderly care burden it would put on my child. I would offer to pay whatever needed so I can maintain my life trajectory and independence while feeling very guilty towards my child and grandchild, and I just can’t imagine putting any of our parents into that position. We won’t even mention this.
Anon
I don’t think you can or should say to a grandparent point blank “Will you retire so you can watch my kid?” but I certainly think you can discuss the situation with them, and they might volunteer. Fwiw, a lot of companies are offering lucrative retirement incentives right now as a way to avoid layoffs, so if they’re planning to retire in the next few years, it might be advantageous to do it now. If it’s something they suggest, I wouldn’t feel guilty taking them up on it.
Hollis
I have sympathy for you as this is a tough time with parents of younger kids. My kids are a little older than yours, so I am just working from home with regular interruptions from the kids, and they are starting virtual school in a week. For you, I have just a few suggestions – can you find another family or 2 that you trust and form either a nanny share with them or rotate care of the 2-3 kids? That way your 4 year old gets to socialize and the parents can take turns watching the kids? Can you reduce your work schedule or go part time for about a year without taking a major hit to your career? Can you find another daycare that’s much smaller or focuses on keeping kids outdoors everyday? These are all things my friends have done or are doing at this time. These options may be even more expensive than daycare, but the situation is temporary and keeping your sanity is worth the additional cost.
Anon
OP here – thank you for the additional options! We actually haven’t thought about a nanny share or kid share, whatever that might be called. That makes a lot of sense in these circumstances.
We do have outdoor schools here but they only run for 3 hours a day in the winter. We crossed them off for that reason before but realistically this is way better than many other options at this point.
Great options to consider, thanks again!
For time off/ part time, I’m just wary of what happens to part time employees in my industry. They are kept around because they’re cheap and tend to do good work, but are never, ever promoted or given any opportunities, and asking to go full time often gets them laid off (see cheap above). I’d have to leave my employer and potentially industry to restart my career at the end of it and I loathe the idea of introducing another unknown to an already tenuous situation (but might start to think differently in a couple of months).
Anonymous
I’ve been using the extra time at home to experiment with eye makeup and realize I need a proper eye makeup remover because my regular face cleanser is not cutting it. Suggestions? Prefer a drugstore brand that is available online. Thank you!
Hollis
Micellar water by Garnier checks all of your boxes. Get a lot of cotton rounds to go with it.
Sunflower
Almay Oil-Free Gentle Eye Makeup Remover Pads.