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I've been intrigued by cashmere brand NAADAM for a while now, but haven't pulled the trigger on anything yet — but it's been hard to resist since I noticed Nordstrom carrying “PROJECT NADAAM“, with some pieces (like the one above) starting at just $89. Yes please!
I went on a big hunt at the end of winter last year to try to find a few new “everyday” cashmere and merino wool sweaters, keeping this Vince sweater (now sold out, boo). (I also kept this $69 one with a viscose/nylon/poly blend. This Rag & Bone one is just cotton, but it's really lovely and soft — I think of it as more of a sweater than a sweatshirt.)
Readers, what are your favorite brands for cashmere? (Our last roundup needs an update, but I'll put the ones that were previously our Hall of Famers below.) Or is your ideal everyday sweater in something like merino, cotton, alpaca, or something else? Do tell…
The above sweater is $89 at Nordstrom and available in sizes XS-XL — do note that NAADAM is also offering 30% off select merchandise today (with the size range of XXS-3X), this lovely boatneck included.
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Our Hall of Famers from last year included these cashmere sweater brands…
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
My every day sweaters are a mix of linen, cotton, ramie, silk, and various types of wool. I won’t wear synthetics because aside from microplastics it’s like I’m wearing a plastic bag. I just pick them up at the thrift store so a wide range of brands from Eileen Fisher to old Navy to Tahari.
Anonymous
+1
Merino, silk and cashmere are my go-to sweater materials, either single fabric or mix between those.
I don’t do cotton knits, but for more structured tops I like cotton and viscose (or whatever tree pulp fabric) as well.
I can handle a little bit of nylon or elastane, but don’t do polyester, acrylic or mixes with those.
Anon
Your shopping list is like mine, except I don’t do thrift stores. I stalk sales and also do eBay or, lately, Mercari. Anything coming into my house other than cotton goes in the freezer for a while in case of moth larvae
Mary
The freezer idea seems genius!
Anon
How are linen sweaters? I love linen shirts and trousers but hadn’t thought of anything else.
I feel the same way about synthetics.
Cococo Home
Posting again- Has anyone bought a couch from Cococo Home, and is it comfortable? I love the designs (particularly the Clark sectional) but there is no physical location near me. I’m hesitant to purchase a couch I haven’t sat in. Thanks!
anne-on
Yes, we have two couches from them (more like large loveseats as they are in the 60-66 inch range). We haven’t had them for very long (3 years for the oldest one) but we ordered our second during pandemic. The most used one is in my son’s toy room and he uses it daily. They are both very comfortable, but we did pay up for the extra nice padding option on both. I found the company easy to work with and their fabric (we got the performance velvet) had held up very well to our 2 pet/child friendly life. I also appreciated how helpful the staff was as we did a fair amount of customization on both couches. They were not cheap, but I felt the value for the level of customization/options was very good.
ABS
Yes, I have two and they are each about 3 years old. Very comfortable and good quality. I especially liked that I was able to adjust the length and that the company was easy to work with. Highly recommend!
Anonymous
My everyday sweaters are cotton. Synthetics are too hot, and cashmere and other animal fibers are too itchy without a layer underneath.
I have a few cashmere sweaters from La Ligne, Boden, and Vince that I used to wear to my freezing office layered over a thin t-shirt, but I don’t wear those now that I am WFH in a south-facing room that gets hot even with the heat off.
Inter-demographic relationships
Can we talk about choosing friends and navigating relationships with those that are demographically very different from you?
I am single and 40. I have a very demanding job, I have enormous elder care responsibilities for two parents (only child), and I am also trying to manage a chronic pain situation. I moved to a new area 2 years ago and I am only finding married stay-home wives to socialize with.
For a while, this seemed fine. But lately I have started to question these new friendships because I am frankly just so JEALOUS of these women who have none of my problems – they are childless and jobless and their husbands basically take care of their every need. Their time is theirs. They seemingly do not understand why (for example), I don’t want them to send pictures of vintage lingerie to my work email, or do not want to spend half my Saturday at their house baking cookies because I am too exhausted from my workweek and have ISH to do.
Maybe I will move, but I’d really like some advice on how to manage my resentment because frankly it is so debilitating. I increasingly hate being an independent woman, with no peers, and wish my parents had sat me down to give me a frank talk about the value of finding a life partner before everything falls apart at 40+.
Anon
Where are you finding people like this? There are plenty of hard working professional women, many single, others with children.
Anonymous
I’m very very sorry.
The resentment toward these women sounds like it’s actually a symptom of exhaustion, loneliness, physical pain, and just generally carrying a heavier load than one normal human being can carry. I’m guessing you’ve already done everything you can to make these areas easier, but if there is any step you can take to lighten this load, please take this as one internet stranger’s permission to do so. (Cut back at work, change jobs, move, hire help for parents, move parents to a different location, etc.)
Sunshine
Trying to have a friendship with someone with whom you have very little in common other than biology and no history is super difficult. I’m also 40, don’t have kids, but do have a demanding job and significant elder care responsibilities. My female friends who have kids fall into two categories: either they’re employed and have child care responsibilties that are more intensive than my elder care responsibilities (so we kinda understand each other) or they’re very old friends with whom I have a history (although it can be hard to keep a friendship going with my childhood BFF who have two kids and is doing homeschool because we have nothing in common).
I know I’m not offering any solutions here. But I’m trying to say that I understand your struggle. Because it’s so hard to find the time to find new friends and then even harder to find friends with whom you have some life commonality when your time is limited. No solutions, but I get it.
AIMS
I think this is always hard. Of all my friends, I am probably closest to the one who is in the same stage of life as me right now: working lawyer mom with two kids the same age as mine who lives and works in NYC. I think we would be friends regardless but it is definitely easier to be close on a daily basis because we are going through so much of the same stuff. I can text her that my kid is freaking out because i put the ketchup on his plate wrong and she instantly gets it and it helps.
I think the pandemic has also thrown a wrench into everything. I used to be much better at keeping up with all my friends, whether they lived nearby or worked or had kids but I think once the novelty of zoom happy hours wore off in like May of 2020 it just become extra hard to keep up with people who you don’t otherwise have stuff in common with, particularly when I was struggling to just keep up with work and life and making it through every day. Some of my oldest friends live an hour or two away from me these days and it’s just too hard to see them or to keep up. One or two aren’t vaccinated and I don’t really want to see them in person. Another lives with someone severely immunocompromised and I wouldn’t subject her to seeing me in person even though I am vaccinated. And the exhaustion is real! I am just too tired most weekends to do very much, even if it is “fun.” I would like to think it gets better but my mom is going through the same stuff with her friends. Maybe some of this is a product of age and everyone just being more set in their ways as they get older.
Are there people you work with that you like that you could be social with? Or maybe there are elder care support groups in your area? Not that you need to add any more to your plate, but I think having someone who understands what you’re going through when you vent because they went/are going through something similar is a really big help. In the meantime, feel free to vent here. It always makes me feel better and I bet you will find others going through similar stuff.
Anon
I honestly didn’t realize there were still so many childless women in 2021 who don’t work, unless they have some serious health issue or other type of responsibilities.
Anon
I have some serious health issues that aren’t immediately apparent. I can definitely imagine broadcasting a happy homemaking lifestyle while keeping private how much time is spent in bed! As it is, it’s physically much easier for me to sit and type than to keep house, so I would I rather work and pay a housekeeper than quit working and step up at home.
Anon
I see your point that not all illness is visible/public (I too have a chronic illness most people don’t know about) but I highly doubt this huge circle of SAHWs *all* have serious health issues that prevent them from holding down even part-time, low stress jobs.
Anon
I potentially fall into this category- married, early 40s, no kids- and very seriously thinking of leaving my job in the next few years due to chronic health conditions. We’ve saved enough that we could get by on one salary and it would allow us to relocate to a cheaper/preferable location near family (husband can work remotely, I can’t). Most people who meet me wouldn’t realize how much I’m struggling with health issues, but working full time is getting harder and harder to manage and part time isn’t an option. I agree that most of the people OP knows don’t have secret chronic illnesses, but you’d be surprised how many of us there are out there. I think the real problem is how unaccommodating jobs are for people with disabilities- I’m very good at my job, but really need to work less than I do and that’s just not an option in my field.
Anon
I often feel like I live in a different world than many here, but I think I’ve literally never met a woman who doesn’t work and has no children. Theoretically, I know they exist in uber wealthy circles, but it’s just so foreign to me. What do they do all day!? Isn’t it insanely boring?
Anon
Same, I have never once met someone who was both unemployed (by choice, not just between jobs) and without kids. That’s very odd that seems to be who OP’s met.
It also sounds like it’s on OP that she…doesn’t want to do activities. I don’t love baking but that doesn’t sound crazy to me. I’m not sure what she wants out of this friendship.
Anon
I would study something (maybe what I did in college or grad school, maybe something new, maybe even get a degree?). That or maybe fine arts? I wouldn’t bake though!
Anon
I met some in my area when I went on a “I need to find some new friends” kick a few years ago. In doing so, I figured out that I just can’t relate very well to women who don’t work. Full stop. Their concerns and their hobbies and their day-to-day life was just very, very far from my lived experience and I could not bridge the gaps. I have friends that are moms and friends that are not, friends that are married and friends that are single, friends that are in same-sex partnerships, etc. But they all work. Because I care about my work and I like having a career, and talking to people who don’t have a job and don’t care about ever having a job and are happy to have someone else support them forever is like what I imagine talking to a space alien would be like. Same planet, different worlds.
So OP, I know it’s tempting to want to stay friends with these folks because it feels good to have friends. But being friends with people you don’t have anything in common with and kind of can’t stand is probably not the best use of your time, because where is that going to go? You’re going to develop deep friendships and go on girls’ trips with people you really cannot relate to on any level? I mean, maybe some people have figured that out but I’m not one of them. I found different friends I was better able to relate to, because they had jobs outside the house and got where I was coming from, and it’s much easier to maintain those friendships. So I would say, slow fade on the other folks and find some people you have things in common with.
Reboot
Well I am also 40+ had a long term relationship that ended in 2012, and still have not found a long term partner at this point. 3 years ago I moved close to a big city and my social life improved substantially and I realised living in small communities contributed alot to my unhappiness and was the reason I was extremely depressed at one point. So it could be that you actually need to move to an area with a much bigger population. It can be difficult to find friends in the 40s but you might be able to find groups you can do activities with. I used Meetup to find activities that interest me. Before COVID I went for lunch regularly with people from similar age group after church. You have nothing in common with the stay at home wives. I too would hate spending Saturdays in someone’s house baking cookies. I do like baking but every Saturday? No. My advice is to focus on people doing similar activities that you like and not focus so much on their age. For example, I like going for concerts and there are times I have gone to shows with a meetup group where some people are in their early thirties. Also seriously consider moving if it would be possible to do so, even if it means changing jobs. I get the impression you live in a small town. Find a therapist or some kind of mental health support with what you are facing with your parents, I think it will help alot. All the best, I really hope things get better.
Anonymous
I don’t know OP, but if she’s dealing with a huge eldercare burden, then moving isn’t the answer.
Anon
Hello from someone else in your demo! Over 40, childless, single here. These women sound bizarre to me and I think you just need friends who have more in common with you. But they don’t necessarily have to be in your exact demo. I have friends who are married with kids, married without kids, long-term partnered no kids, single and dating, and long-term single, mostly in the 35-45 range. While our life stages may not be the same, what we do have in common is that (I’d like to think) we’re all good people who genuinely care about each other and make time for each other. I met them in a million different ways: work, friends of friends, activity groups, etc. It definitely did not happen overnight, though, so don’t be hard on yourself for not having that if you’ve only been in your city for two years! It sounds like you may have been spending time with people that you thought were the right fit only to discover you have little in common.
My friends at this age with kids are definitely dealing with the slog of work, kids, chores, rinse, and repeat. And it doesn’t help that the pandemic has severely limited their usual options. But when I see them, it’s still great and I just accept that they may not have the bandwidth to text articles or funny links back and forth like they used to.
Most of my friends have demanding careers, whether they’re partnered, parents, or not, so that’s a thing we mainly have in common. I do have a few college friends who are SAHMs and while we would never even cross paths now, our shared bond of being roommates helps us get over the lack of commonality now. But even they would never do the things you’re describing from the women you’ve met, which makes me think these women are just a bit odd and not right for you as friends. You deserve to connect with friends who share more of your values and get why your career is important to you.
How did you meet these women? Have you explored outlets to meet people through work, common interests, alumni groups, volunteering, or a sport or activity? In the depths of the pandemic I started volunteering at a food bank and it brought me a lot of joy to meet people in all kinds of demos: retirees, high school students, young parents, fiftysomethings, Gen Z recent grads, and everything in between. It felt refreshing to interact with people from so many walks of life while we all had a shared purpose.
Re: not having a partner in your 40s. I get it, it’s tough and I’ve definitely had days where I feel like you. But I will tell you that in some ways I have found my social circles continue to expand. Some people turn inward at this age but many are looking for friends. Even the exhausted parents sometimes want a break from talking about their kids with the other parents. It’s just a question of where to find them.
Don’t discount that this with the pandemic, this been an extraordinarily tough 18-19 months for everyone and most people are just starting to regroup and revisit what’s left of their social circles. You are definitely not alone in craving new friendships, and it is never too late to make them.
Sorry, this got very long. Ultimately, I think it would be great if you could find something to regularly attend where you start seeing the same people each week, whether it’s a running club, a church (if that’s your thing; I know it isn’t for everyone), a book club, volunteering, or even just going to the same cafe at the same time. You’ll start to meet people and feel known and more like a part of your community. It also really helps, at least for me, to get out of my own head. Hope you start connecting with new people who feel like a better fit very soon!
Vicky Austin
This is a great analysis.
Anonymous
In case this is helpful. . .https://www.everydayhealth.com/burnout/caregiver-burnout/
Cool
I recommend that you find a caregiver support group. The Alzheimer’s association sponsors some good ones in most major cities. You don’t have to have a parent with Alzheimer’s to go.
You will never have anything in common with these women, so you shouldn’t even be trying. I am 50, single, no kids, huge parental caregiving responsibilities where I administer a ton of hands on medical care. If I had to hang out with women as you describe I see homicide in my future. No care-free , rich woman will ever be able to relate to your situation. Ever. If they can’t relate and empathize, they can’t be very good friends. And even your married friends with kids won’t really understand.
You go to a support group for your venting/release. You socialize lightly with work friends or neighbors you like because they are close/easy and time is limited. And you focus on activities/hobbies you enjoy to meet new people, and realize you may not make friends but at least will be doing something that is an escape for you.
Make sure you get your depression treated. You know it is there. Meds work, support groups help, and you can’t be a good friend to anyone when you are a bitter girl. Friendship is two ways.
Wallpapers
I canNOT decide wallpaper for 2 projects. 1) Downstairs powder room, small, wanted something art deco — or whimsical – dark gray or green – was thinking of doing molding on bottom half of the wall. I can’t decide if this will be too dated in a few years. https://www.hyggeandwest.com/collections/all-wallpaper/products/daydream?variant=39256635506826
or if i will slowly start to hate the pattern here – https://www.hyggeandwest.com/search?type=product%2Carticle%2Cpage%2Ccollection&q=palma
Second project is an upstairs library space painted a dark blue; we wanted one accent wall (8×8) and were thinking of a dark landscape photo. Too cheesy? We wouldn’t want a place we have a connection with, just more abstract idea. (Has anyone bought from Happy Wall?)
https://www.happywall.com/wall-murals/foggy-dark-forest-wallpaper
https://www.happywall.com/wall-murals/florence-ponte-vecchio-wallpaper
Help me shop?
Anon
Can’t help with the library, but I do think that option 1 for the powder room will be quite dated. I am not a homeowner or particularly up on wallpaper trends but I feel like I’ve seen this a number of times recently. I prefer option 2 and think it will last better.
Love your bold taste – so different from my own very neutral tastes but I’d love to be a guest at your house!
H13
A friend used your first pick of wallpaper about 8 or 9 years ago. She was probably at the leading edge of the trend and I do think it will looked dated soon-ish (though I still like it).
Senior Attorney
I feel like everything eventually gets dated and you should get what you love and if you get tired of it you should change it! And powder rooms are perfect foe this because they are small! I love both these options and feel like you can’t go wrong.
For the mural, I love the cityscape best (although maybe I’m prejudiced because we had a forest wallpaper mural nearly identical to your first option in my childhood house in the 70s!).
Anon
Love the green option, especially if you have gold fixtures. I am here for moody looking landscape pictures, but as a mural feel this might be too much. I think both murals look like too much. I’d prefer a more op-art looking mural.
Anonymous
So we have our main bathroom papered in the Hygge and West Daydream, but in the orange. The bottom half of the wall is white tile, so sort of like what you describe. We also have an accent wall in our dining area papered in the Hygge and West Underwater World in Navy. I absolutely LOVE the Underwater World and am happy with the Daydream. No idea if it will be “dated” in a few years but I don’t really care; nothing lasts forever and these make me happy. It is also not that hard or expensive to change walls in a small space. One caveat – we DIY’d the application for these, and my sense is that this wallpaper is less forgiving than some because it is very paper-y and porous, not vinyl or plastic-y. So if you use too much glue, it gets really soft and starts tearing, and if you don’t use enough, it doesn’t stick. If you are hiring a pro it will probably be fine. Also, if you share your powder room with a young male child like I do, you might appreciate having something genuinely scrubbable next to the toilet.
Anon
So I love a mural and have one in my dining room from Anthro that might work if it’s your taste – it can skew blue or green depending on how you crop it
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/judarn-mural?category=murals-wallpaper&color=090&type=STANDARD&size=One%20Size&quantity=1&reviewPage=6
Anon
For the powder room, I prefer the second option (green geometric). The wallpaper with the birds already looks dated to me.
The mural options are a little generic, but I’d lean towards the one with trees. (FWIW, I do love the option from anthropologie linked below.)
Allie
Love the green one — I think the birds already look dated and will look even more so soon.
Anon
Agree birds are dated as put a bird in it was a decade ago but who cares is your house.
I have a lot of deeplu painted spaces and happy to help you with the blue if that helps. Champion cobalt is an inky blue that skews green undertone not purple as ia cobalt should beut is wonderful like the sea. I have a large office with 6 windows and two doors in it and adore it. I have 2 other dark blue rooms in our giant old house so if you want more recommendations let me know.
Anonymous
I would never say this in real life, but I wanted to celebrate that I just turned 39 and met (and exceeded by a bit!) the $200k salary goal I set for myself to hit by 40. I negotiated HARD at my new job after being paid well under market at a job that promoted me but never gave me raises that matched market value. The higher salary makes a HUGE difference in our stability (and I’m much closer to paying off credit card bills that piled up after family health issues). It was so uncomfortable for me to fight for this salary but it truly is the thing I’m most proud of this year. I knew my worth, and GOT IT. (I know that’s not a huge salary to ppl here, but I grew up solidly middle class and this was SO far beyond what I ever thought I’d earn that I am still in shock). Cheers to all the other women killing it on this board!
Anon
Congrats!
Anon
That is amazing and definitely worth celebrating! Congratulations!! Hope you have something fun planned to celebrate!
Vicky Austin
Way to go!!
Anonymous
Well done you!
H13
That’s amazing!! Congrats!!
Senior Attorney
Wonderful! Heartiest congratulations!!
Jules
Woo-hoo!
Anon
Congrats! And Kat, is there any way to get a “like” or heart button for posts? I usually don’t comment on these because it feels like it’s making a long chain of “yay” but I’d like to celebrate things like this.
Mel
Congratulations! I’m proud of you!
Ses
Congrats! It really is a huge salary. Go, you!
Curious
That’s a huge salary and huge goal to meet and I’m so excited for you! I never thought I’d make six figures and the idea that there could be a 2 at the front still astounds me. Congratulations.
Anon
That’s awesome! Congratulations!
ArenKay
Yea you!
Super anon - Chicago
I posted my update this morning and someone commented that other ‘rettes may be able to meet up IRL to help me talk about what’s going on. I would appreciate for now someone who could listen and not jump to actions I should take – I’m still processing and don’t want to jump in or out of my commitment to my relationship too soon. If folks are open, I’ll post a burner email.
Anon
So sorry to hear what you’re going through. Just caught up on the morning post. Thinking of you.
Anonymous
I hope some local ladies can take you out for a drink and provide comfort.
Anon
If you happen to be in the NW suburbs of Chicago, I’d gladly meet you for a long coffee! I don’t get downtown very often anymore now that my work is remote, but I’m pretty sure we have several Chicago-area women on the board. If you don’t get anyone this weekend, post again on Monday and I bet you’ll get several listening ears!
Jules
I’m not in Chicago – hoping one of our sisters there sees this and can meet up with you – but if not, or if you want to just have a sympathetic ear on the phone I can make time for a phone call over the weekend.
Anonymous Canadian
+1
Monday
Hi super anon. I wasn’t on the morning thread, but wanted to add my sympathy.
I’m nowhere near you, but I know you will find some local coffee buddies. I agree that if you don’t hear from them over the weekend, post again Monday morning and you will.
In the meantime, I totally understand why you want a listener who is not going to push any action/decision. For what it’s worth, I think all the commenters urging you to kick your husband out are trying to protect you from further hurt and wasted effort. Yes, it’s easy to tell a stranger to dump their spouse on the internet…but also, many people here have been through the same situation. They are trying to minimize your pain because they know how bad it is.
My ex-husband left me (no cheating involved to my knowledge, though I wouldn’t be surprised). I do regret the time and vulnerability I put into the final stage of the marriage, when he was showing no signs of caring about it, or even respecting me as a person.
I wish you peace and clarity.
Anon
I’m not near you but I had a friend going through something similar to what you’re going through. We used to meet for lunch and I would mostly listen but since she asked, I told her about my divorce and how I waited probably too long to do it, how my life was after divorce, and how it just wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. About 18 months have now passed since she brought it up, and she just contacted me to ask for a referral to my divorce lawyer.
I realize you don’t want people to tell you what to do, and you certainly have to do things on your own timeline, but I wouldn’t close yourself off from hearing about other people’s experiences.
Best of luck to you. I’ve thought about you a lot since your initial post.
Anon
I just went through the morning post, I’m sorry this is happening to you. I hope you find a measure of peace in this very, very painful situation.
Ex Hyde Parker
Used to live in Chi-town, don‘t anymore. But posting to say whatever you decide, you are a beautiful badass and YOU GOT THIS!!!
Anonymous
I’m in Des Moines. If you are up for a drive/short flight to get away and clear your head, I’m happy to suggest a relaxing hotel or Airbnb in your budget, plan dinners and as many events/outings as you feel safe and comfortable with given Covid. I’m a great listener with no advice to give, but I frequently host friends from different walks of life who I only see every couple years – so I have a list of things to do in different price ranges including coffee shops and restaurants where we might have emotional talks but no one notices/stares (and assuming you aren’t from DSM, odds are good you won’t know a soul). If you want alone time, we can meet for coffee once and I’ll get you a list of suggested spots for local take out. If you want a sidekick for being out and about, I am trying to keep non-holiday weekends fairly free and happy to meet up for some outings. There’s a 50% chance you’ll find this idea super odd, so no obligation to even reply, I just wanted to offer as I’ve had some wonderful experiences from posters on this board.
Anon
I love this!
-native Iowan
Anonymous
Same!
Anon
So sweet! What a nice human.
Re-booting
I have a pair of lizard cowboy boots that I adore. I had them for years and wore them all the time. Then I had a baby and my feet didn’t go back to quite the same size as before. I can wear them, on a sitting day, but I really need a new pair. BUT, in 2021, would you re-buy a pair of lizard cowboy boots? They seemed indestructible. The cost-per-wear was minimal. But is there something really more current (that is also very classic — would expect to get 10+ years of actual use and wanting to wear)? I have been pausing on this due to overall busy-ness, this being an optional purchase that is not cheap, and not leaving the house in work clothes regularly or going out since 2019 it seems. But now that it is cold, I realize that boots + socks + bootcut wool pants kept me warm and a boot heel is surprisingly walkable.
Roper-style boots? [Although I think they are much more casual.]
I’m in a city where boots-under-pants like this is not weird and the office is casual anyway.
pugsnbourbon
I just bought a pair of low-heel chelsea-style booties in a black and white snakeskin pattern. They were on deep deep discount which is the only reason I bought them, but they are actually quite fun.
I have a hard time picturing full-height cowboy boots in a casual office, but I’m a big fan of buying things if you love them.
Anonymous
I think under boot-cut pants you just see the foot part of the boot.
Shelle
Some clothing items I keep regardless of if they’re strictly in style. I think of them as favorite statement pieces that are outside of the fashion cycle, like a vintage coat or a cocktail ring. Do you love them in that way? Would you purchase another pair or try to stretch them out at a cobbler?
Anon
Same. I broke out a coat that’s as old or older than I am for the first cold day of the fall and got nothing but compliments. I keep it because I love it, it fits perfectly and is toasty warm.
Monday
If they’re in good condition and just barely too small, a cobbler can probably stretch them for you.
Anon
I have two pairs of cowgirl boots and the only way I’ve ever styled them is with a dress and tights. I could never get the pants look right without feeling like I was doing some rodeo cosplay.
Anonymous
I have some Western cut booties that I have been wearing instead of full boots. Mine are from Frye.
Anon
If you love them and they aren’t our of place in your area, go for it. You’ll get more happiness out of them than anything else you buy.
Anon
Agree if you love them keep our replace them. I only add to get a boot specialist to attend to any fixes or stretching. I know Lebedas boot hideaway was the goto for the northeast at a time but it’s been eons since I have been that area of nj.
I think we focus too much on a commerial profit driven machine to tell us what’s cool. I think we look great when we feel good. Think of Italian or French women they don’t follow trends they make them. I love your boots from here!
Rock it!
Vicky Austin
Hi hive, trying to send a holiday treat basket to a family with both gluten and dairy allergies. Any good places to look?
Anon
Goldbelly
Velma
Harry and David has nice options. I have celiac. https://www.harryanddavid.com/h/holidays-gifts-occasions/gluten-free
Anonymous
I grew up in a red state. I left home when I went to college and I haven’t been back since. I’m three years out of law school and I haven’t talked to my family or anyone from my hometown since I left 10 years ago. I’m okay with this decision. My family were terrible right of right wing people.
On Wednesday I saw online a screenshot from my sister’s social media. It was one of the ones showing Q-Anon COVID-19 deniers who rail against the disease but then catch and die from it. Her name was blacked out but I recognized the photos. The series of screenshots said she passed away. I searched Facebook and confirmed that earlier this year my sister and my father died of COVID-19. My mother and my sister’s fiancé had it and lived but need extensive rehab.
I don’t know how I’m feeling. I had no contact by mutual decision for 10 years, they weren’t nice people (anti-vax, support the orange cheeto etc.) but I still feel sad and angry about it. My mom is last living relative but I have no desire to see her. Is this something anyone else has gone through? I’m trying to decide if I should see a therapist because I obviously have unresolved feelings.
anon a mouse
A thousand times yes to a therapist — you may be at peace with your decision but will still need to process grief. It’s a finality to the separation with your sister and your father. And grief can be sneaky sometimes.
Monday
+1. I’m sorry, OP.
Anon
Yes to therapy.
I’ve not had a relationship with my mom for 12-13 years. I keep steeling myself for the call. I have a relationship with my sister and stepfather so I will learn fairly quickly when it happens. But I think it’s normal to have conflicting feelings. I’ve had them about my stepfather, who is terminal, and was horrible to us (then chilled out). Therapy certainly helps. Accepting that the feelings don’t *mean* anything necessarily. They just ARE. Sit with them and let them wash over you.
And give yourself some grace. Be gentle with yourself. I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s a lot. Sending you hugs.
Anon
This doesn’t make any sense. If you’re connected to your sister on social media, you would have known long before now that she and your father died. Assuming your sister is in her 20s, like you, there are only 1,706 women in her age bracket (out of 10 million) who died of COVID. If you weren’t connected on social media and truly had been no contact since 2011, you would have no idea their opinions on former President Trump, who did not announce his candidacy until July 2015, let alone their opinions on the vaccine, which was not made available until 2021. In fact, by your own timeline, the vaccine became available right around the time your sister died, which makes the entire thing rather suspect.
Care to explain what’s really going on?
Anon
Must you be such a d!ckhead?
Anon
+1 million!
Anon
I’m not op but she said she saw a screenshot of her sister’s social media. I’ve seen plenty of those – someone posts “I’m not going to live my life in fear” or “the virus isn’t real” or whatever, then there’s a post for a go fund me because they have it, then often a post about their death. These things get forwarded around. I saw one and recognized a person from my hometown.
Sloan Sabbith
And why the hell do you care so much?
Sloan Sabbith
This was meant for 5:35, NOT OP.
Anonymous
So as I said I saw a screenshot of her social media. It was on reddit. I recognized the photos even with the name being blocked out. If you check Herman Cain award on reddit you’ll see what I mean.
My sister was in her 30s. Her and my dad died this summer. On their social media they posted anti-vaccine propaganda and how they wouldn’t be getting it. They also posted many pro-Trump things. I could have guessed their opinions without talking to them because when I left they thought slavery was a good thing, LGBT were evil and immoral, all immigrants are bad, Christians are prosecuted, all kinds of antisemitic beliefs and things along those lines. We were fully vaccinated when we were kids because my parents didn’t believe in it. We had religious exemptions for school.
If you have any other questions I’m happy to answer them. I’m truly sorry my confusion and grief offended you.
Anon
I also assumed from your original post that you saw it on Herman Cain Awards Reddit and recognized the photos with the name blacked out. Nothing about your initial post was confusing or suspicious to me and I’m sorry you got such a nasty reply.
This must be really hard even though you were estranged from them and I’m thinking of you.
Anonymous
You are grieving the sister and father you loved at some point in your life, and the loss of any possible future transformation and reconciliation. That’s very difficult, and of course your feelings will be all over the place. I don’t know much about therapy, so won’t advise you on that. I’m very sorry for your loss of what once was, and what will now never be. I hope you don’t mind that I’ll pray you find strength and solace as you walk this difficult path.
Anon
This is lovely. OP, I am another internet stranger who sends you much love as you navigate a very sad path.
LaurenB
Oh dear. Did you see this on Reddit / Herman Cain Award? What a horrible, horrible way to find out. No advice, but sending my condolences. There are no winners with Covid and no winners with supporting the orange guy.
Diana
Hi Anon, I want you to know there is at least one person here who knows the courage and the pain of estrangement. My father is still living (I think) but we haven’t spoken since 2010. After 2010, I saw him one time, in a court room (we did not speak). I know through [relative] that he had a heart attack in 2017, was briefly hospitalized, and that he got married at some point.
Since the heart attack, I’ve had to work through thoughts like ‘eventually my father will die – do I want to see him again before that?’,’how will I even know if he dies?’, ‘would I go to a funeral?’, ‘would I visit a grave site alone after a funeral?’, ‘what happens if I find out through a google search?’, ‘what happens if I find out through [relative] – how will I handle my reaction?’ (note: relative would be about the death; my feelings are different and I would not want to find out from [relative].) Ultimately I decided that I already know that eventually he will die, likely while I am still living, but I put the relationship we had to rest a long time ago for very good reasons. I discovered in thinking about these things that it wasn’t concern so much about how to handle his death, but a scratching at the grief of losing my father that I already know so well.
It makes sense that you are sad and angry. I am sorry for your loss
A therapist who has handled complex grief and family estrangement *may* be able to help you, but I have found that a lot of people, including therapists, simply aren’t quite able to fathom this experience
Wishing you some inner strength. You can borrow the Camus quote I live by: ‘in the depths of winter I found within me an invincible summer’
Anon
Think of it this way: you’ll be mourning the family and love and relationships you never had, which is very valid. It’s okay to remember what awful people they were while also being sad that things weren’t better.
Anonymous
What is your favorite piece of useless knowledge? Mine: we have no idea where eels come from. We’ve never seen one mate in captivity but we think it has to do with the Bermuda Triangle.
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/05/25/where-do-eels-come-from
Anonymous
Barring generic abnormalities orange cats are generally boys and calico cats are generally girls. It’s also a great party trick to ‘guess’ the gender of a cat for hosts with orange or calico kitties.
Anon
Bc color is on X chromosome!
Anonymous
Mind blown!
Anon
We had an orange tabby growing up. We named him Charles, but then had to quickly rename “him” Charlotte when she gave birth to a litter of all orange kittens, which she went on to repeat several times. Equal mix of boy and girl kittens. I don’t know how Charlotte defied all the odds, but that she did.
Anonymous
It’s not useless (it’s actually really important), but one fact that has stuck with me ever since I learned it is that by the time a female fetus is 4-5 months in utero, she develops all of the ova (eggs) that she will ever have in her life. This means that harmful exposures for the pregnant woman (cigarette smoking, drug use, toxic chemicals, etc.) may not only impact that fetus, but her eventual children as well by damaging her eggs. A woman today who is pregnant with a girl and who smokes 10 cigarettes a day will inadvertently affect her own future grandchildren as well. It blows my mind. We need to use this information to drive new legislation to regulate the enormous amount of endocrine-disrupting chemicals in our environment (among many other priorities).
Anon
And a woman pregnant with a girl carries her future grandchildren! I think that’s so cool.
Anon
I contain multitudes
Anon
Thank you. Wow.
I shared one of mine this morning about Save the Bassoon. Can’t think of the others but there are lots as I am a sponge for remembering things I don’t need to remember (like every lyric I’ve ever heard), and in exchange for that, forgetting all kinds of things I really do need to remember, like deadlines and appointments.
Anon
I saw a bassoon at an estate sale today (Los Angeles suburb) and thought of y’all.
nutella
This tidbit about eels is also in a wonderful book that you would like if you like me adore useless knowledge: The Truth About Animals by Lucy Cooke.
One I love is that the Dutch were so obsessed with the color orange they bred the carrot to be orange… it used to be purple!!! It’s from another great book called the Secret Lives of Color. The author, Kassia St. Clair, wrote another good one I’m halfway through called the Golden Thread about fabric!
Senior Attorney
What? That’s amazing!
Speaking of the Dutch, I love that in the early 17th century, there was a “tulip mania” in Holland and people bid up the prices of fancy tulip bulbs to sky high prices (like, 10 times the annual income of a skilled artisan for one bulb), which inevitably crashed a few years later. About 20 years ago there was an exhibit at a local art museum of watercolors of the various fancy tulips that were used in the sales of the very expensive bulbs and it was pretty great.
Lots to Learn
If you’re interested, there’s a book called The Book of Eels. It talks a lot about the four stages of an eel’s life and the decades of research into where they breed (actually now thought to be the Sargasso Sea). But it’s about eels and people who used to catch them and eels as food, and part natural history, part metaphysical musings and part memoir. Totally random books that someone recommended to me once and I loved it (although I have no desire to ever eat an eel).
Anon
I’ve been interviewing for a mid-level job that would allow me to pivot into a new industry. I bring a lot of relevant skills, but my experience isn’t a perfect one-to-one match for the role. I’m flattered that the company even wanted to interview me and would be thrilled to get an offer for this mid-level role. Today the company reached out and asked if I would like to be considered for the senior version of the position. I’m not sure how to respond….it seems silly not to throw my hat in the ring, but I don’t want to set myself up for failure by jumping ahead too quickly in a role and industry I haven’t worked in before. Thoughts on how to proceed?
Anonymous
Proceed how a mediocre white man would.
Anon
You go interview for that senior role. That’s what you do.
Anonymous
The company wouldn’t have asked if they didn’t think you were a suitable candidate for the job. Do you want the more senior role? If so, say yes, but add that you are very interested in working for this company because *reasons* and would be happy with either role. You just want to make sure that they don’t think you’re not interested in the original job.
Personally, I hate the comparison to a mediocre white man. It is trite and cynical. If you’d like the job, like the company, and feel that you could do some of it and learn the rest, go for it!
Anon
It’s a trope for a reason
Anon
I hate it too, in my experience with actual real men, it doesn’t hold up.
anon
Any suggestions on negotiating for more remote work as part of a new offer package? I got an offer at a company that has moved to hybrid (3 days in office) and while relocating is possible, ideally I’d like to get it down to 1 day a week in office (and then maybe eventually float full remote). I currently live a little over an hour from the office, so it would save me a lot of commuting time/energy. I’m prepared to accept all of the remaining terms of the offer as is; this is the only thing I really want. Would love any suggestions from ‘rettes who have successfully done this!
Anon
So my advice would be to go in 3 when you’re new to get the lay of the land and reduce over time without saying anything once you’ve formed relationships and established yourself. But before you accept the offer, try to interview or talk to people who work there already to get a sense of the rigidity of the company. Many places will say 3 days but in practice will be more flexible, others won’t be. Try to figure out which you’re dealing with.
Dr. The Original ...
Could you ask for way more money and something else and 1 day a week remote and then let them negotiate into either the more money (so you could outsource more) or not the money but yet the remote (so you get what you actually want)?
Marie
I currently am a school admin. I’d like a career change. People tell me I would be great in crises management; which fits well with all the school improvement/turn around work I’ve done over the years. When I look on linkedin, I’m not sure the wording to search for this. Thoughts for possible careers to look into?
Anon
No input but right there with you. I’m a school counselor and am not sure I have the stamina to continue in this profession until 65. I’ve been looking into higher Ed staff positions/non-profits. Hard to lose the pension and schedule though.
Anonymous
You could look at job descriptions for things like emergency dispatcher, community based disaster management, community crisis managment?
Anonymoose
Often the crisis management professionals I’ve worked with are at PR firms. I’d search PR or Communications roles then zone in on crisis management or issues management.
Katherine Vigneras
Look into business continuity and see if that’s something that would interest you.
Anonymous
Human Resources
Catherine
Cotton, rayon, and nylon are all good possibilities for sweaters for me. Wool is hot and itchy. Acrylic makes me sweat. I haven’t tried cashmere because I’m afraid it will be hot and/or itchy. Machine washable is a high priority for me. Dry cleaning costs really add up, plus it’s not great for the environment.