This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I've said it before: I'm really not a floral person. Still, when I saw Loft had free shipping I thought I'd poke around, and I ended up ordering this blouse and a few others. (I was also strongly considering the same top in the red version.) (There is no escaping the puff sleeves this season, ladies.)
The top is $59.50 full price, and comes in regular and petite sizes XXS-XL — but through 4/10 you can take 50% off with code CYBER.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Do you think it’s deceptive to refer to an in-law as your parent?
Context: an interviewer asked me about an employment gap. I explained that my “dad” needed eldercare and then passed. They must have G00gled for the obituary, because they came at me in a follow-up, saying I “implied it was my birth parent” and that they didn’t want to move forward.
I think they’re nuts, but I want a sanity check from y’all.
Cat
I wouldn’t ever refer to an in-law as my dad, but a company telling you they’re dinging you for that is– ridiculous.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I don’t think they’re necessarily nuts to think it (it might make me go “hmmm”), but they were nuts to tell you.
Anon
They’re definitely nuts to think it since they clearly can’t think outside the box of “traditional” family structures. And even more nuts to have even googled it in the first place!
Anon
Oops, just saw your reply to Sloan.
Ellen
I think you can be close to your father in law and call him Dad, particularly if you had a absent dad in real life. Ed married Rosa and calls our Mom and Dad mom and dad, because what is he suposed to call them? Mother in law, father in law? Puhleeease!
Sloan Sabbith
That’s f-ing ridiculous, I’m sorry that you experienced that…although it sounds like you dodged a total bullet if they do stuff like that.
They have no way of knowing what a family relationship is like- maybe your father in law was your only father figure and so it made the most sense for you to refer to him as “dad?” It’s totally inappropriate for them to decide what you get to call your (deceased!!!) family member and makes me think that they would not be supportive of family situations generally.
Senior Attorney
Great point about the relationship aspect, Sloan! Makes me want to change my answer above.
Ellen
Yay! I always agree with Sloan Sabbith, and am glad she is back here in the game with us! Go for it Sloan! YAY!!!
Anon
OP here. I didn’t include this context since I wouldn’t have told an interviewer personal info, but since you mentioned it: husband and I started dating in our early teens. Our closeness with each other’s parents comes from having grown up together, and us both being disciplined by all four of them (as a unit, at times).
Anonymous
I also started dating my husband while we were teenagers, I call DH’s mom ‘momma’. I’m so sorry that interviewer sucks.
Sloan Sabbith
Yes, that kind of thing, exactly!
Also, as a side note, I would be irate if someone brought up my dad’s obituary as a “gotcha” moment. As if providing that care and grieving isn’t terrible enough, now you’re going to try to use it to catch me in a “lie”? GFY.
Monday
Yeah, that part is almost cruel/mean-spirited. I’m wondering how they even knew who to look up? If you have a rare last name that is your husband’s family name, they googled that name + obituary? What if they still got the wrong person? If there hadn’t been any hits (for plenty of good possible reasons) would they have assumed you made the whole thing up?
Anonymous
That’s like legit crazy pants, you definitely dodged a bullet.
Anon
This.
Anon
+100000000000
Anonymous
“Legit crazy pants” is absolutely the technical term for this. I had two grandparents that there very important to me in my life. I was probably 8 before I realized they were actually my dad’s ex-wife’s parents and not technically my grandparents. My dad became very close to his in-laws and, despite the divorce, stayed very close with them for the rest of their lives.
Monday
I think they were out of line. I don’t see why eldercare for someone who is not your birth parent is less valid than care for your parents. And if their only objection is that you called him your Dad in the interview, that seems like hair-splitting.
NYCer
+1. Totally bizarre on the part of the company in my opinion. Also extremely bizarre that the checked it / googled it.
FWIW, I never refer to my inlaws as mom or dad – I would have just said I was caring for a sick family member – but that does not change my answer that I think the company was out of line.
Anonymous
What weirds me out is the fact that they googled it.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah what the hell? That’s bizarre.
Anon
My thought exactly. As a hiring manager I wouldn’t even think of questioning that explanation.
Anon
+1. It’s like an giant red flag: prepare to be cyberstalked if you work here.
Anonymous
This. What else did the google about you? Did they say it was about the employment gap, but really see something else? Employers are not advised to google potential candidates because it can lead to inadvertent decisions made on a protected class status. Certainly if they are doing a background check AFTER they have made a hiring decision, but not in the initial hiring process. 0/10 would not work for that employer. That was an extremely poor choice on their part.
Emma
That seems insane to me. I feel like the fact that they Googled an obituary is invasive/violating, but then to police how you represented the relationship is extra-bizarre. I think it is also a bit culturally-biased? My boyfriend is Indian, and his mom has made it clear multiple times that if we get married I have to call her “Mom,” as is customary for them. I also grew up in a family with flexible definitions for defining family members – cousins more than ten years younger are nieces/nephews, cousins that live with you are siblings, any close family friend that’s in your life is an auntie/uncle. I feel like this is common in certain places. The idea of someone determining that your relationship doesn’t count enough, even though they don’t dispute the fact that you DID provide eldercare, strikes me as a huge red flag. You dodged a bullet in my opinion. Working for a place like that is only going to make you constantly feel on edge and policed. Especially when they ask invasive questions about why you were offline for an hour or how sick you REALLY were when you took a day of PTO…
Hugs though! That is terrible.
Anon
On the cultural insensitivity point, I think there is a big difference between calling your FIL “dad” around family and referring to him that way in an interview, especially in the context of your care-giving responsibilities to him. The latter does feel misleading to me. Even if you think of him as your father, he’s not. My FIL had a stroke when I was in Big Law and I had to unexpectedly take time off. People were understanding, but not as understanding as they would have been if it had been my father. I can’t imagine the blowback I would have gotten if I’d told people my father had a stroke and then they later found it was actually just my FIL. Lying to co-workers/potential bosses isn’t good.
No Face
Wow, your firm sounds awful and I’m sorry that you seem to have adopted its viewpoints. People were “not as understanding” of your grief because of the technical relationship? You would gotten “blowback” if you called your deceased FIL “dad”? That may work at your firm, but just know that in other environments these viewpoints would be consistent shocking and terrible.
Anon
I disagree strongly that saying “Dad” when referring to FIL is “lying”. I refer to my stepfather (married to my mother when I was 7 as “Dad” all the time to all kinds of people including my employer. I refer to my FIL as Dad all the time to all kinds of people. My step-sisters are my sisters despite not being genetically related to me. I am honestly astonished at this level of technicality when describing family.
And that fact your Big Law comrades are less understanding of a medical emergency involving your FIL than they would be if it involved your biological father says a lot about them. And none of it is good.
OP – you completely dodged a bullet.
Anon
I mean, yes, but I worked for a major corporation and I once had to enforce that “bereavement days” could only be taken for the designated family members. My direct report didn’t realize she would have to take PTO days if she took off more than one day for her father-in-law’s death. My own manager asked me to convey that information and that she would not get additional paid days. So in that case, the lie would have resulted in a violation of company policy.
Anon
Anon @ 3:11, again, how is that relevant? OP is describing something that happened in the past, not seeking permission for a future event that involves company policy. Several of you seem to think citing your business’s rules has pertinence for the general public.
Betsy
I think that is a policy that is due for an update – everywhere I’ve ever worked specified in their bereavement policies that “by marriage” relationships were treated equivalently.
Anonymous
You don’t seem like a very good lawyer. An employee disclosing certain information that affects the enforcement of a specific policy the employee is subject to is not equivalent or relevant to the OP’s situation. And she shouldn’t have to assume that her explanation for her employment gap is only valid if she shared blood with the person she cared for. It turns out she found an employer who has the same twisted sensibilities you do and dodged the bullet of having to work for them, but don’t be confused as to think you and they are “right” on this. It’s a punitive and narrow-minded view based on some skewed perception of what is “traditional” for a certain set of white people.
Anon
If OP had referred to her father-in-law as her father when applying for FMLA time or bereavement leave (that did not allow time off for in-laws – which is fairly horrible) then this entire situation would be different. Those are circumstances under which the legal relationship matters. But she was explaining an employment gap without going into details about her private life, not applying for benefits.
Anon
Nope, it’s not lying. Just because people view the world with what they think is their “objective” definition of family, it’s actually not the case! It is not at all misleading.
Anonymous
So you’re one of those, huh. I how you never manage people.
Anonymous
I think this is probably what made a difference here. Strangers wont know the relationship, and will assume the easiest and most common (to them) way to interpret the situation, and in this case maybe feel misled. In an interview situation, it might be expected to use the most precise term, even if it isn’t what is accurate for your relationship with him.
I can sort of imagine a letter to Ask A Manager going “I recently interviewed somebody for a position where they told us their dad had died and they spent time looking after him. But then my colleage Francis said that “hey, yeah, I know their dad, we go to the same bowling club. He’s alive and well, I met him on Thursday”. We googled it, and it turns out they must have been talking about their FIL. But why did they lie about this? This looked like a red flag, so we didn’t hire them. Was I too cautious?” And then an actual compassionate answer from Allison explaining that family is a lot of different things…
It sucks that they cared about which relative you cared for, and I think that’s where you dodged a bullet. A company that wont recognize caring for a FIL as a normal and obvious family situation, is not a company you want to work for – what else is dodgy about their compassion and rules? Probably loads.
Anon
Are we gonna start DNA testing people’s dead relatives now to make absolutely sure they were who the employees say they were?
Good lord, you make me so happy to be self employed.
Anonymous
+1 to this. In some cultures you call both birth parents and in-laws ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’, and your first cousins are as close as your full siblings. (And, none of this changes the fact that interviewer Googling for obituary to catch OP out is crazypants to begin with. Huge red flag…)
Anon
Right? Where I live, in many families, every older relative is an aunt or uncle. TBH, it’s a lot simpler than trying to figure out if Martha is your mother’s 2nd cousin once removed or what.
Anon
+1000. You dodged a huge bullet. Sucks, but what horrible people to work for.
Anon
I think what you did is weird, but what they did is far weirder, especially the telling you about it part.
Anonymous
Yep.
Katrinka
I mean, it’s not accurate. Why not just say “my father in law”? If there’s a specific reason you didn’t say that, rather than “dad,” then there’s your answer.
Anon
You’d fit right in at this work place!
Anon
OP here. I called him “dad” because he was a father figure to me since I was 14. I am very lucky to have had two fathers.
Anon
It’s nice that you viewed him as a father figure and called him dad, and I’m sorry for your loss. But in this context, the actual relationship matters. I don’t necessarily think it’s fair, but the reality is that people view caregiving responsibilities to parents and children very differently than to extended family like in-laws, aunts, cousins, etc. You misled the interviewer by implying he was your actual father, which he is not, no matter how close you were.
Anonymous
All that should matter is that someone you cared about enough to take a break from working needed your care. It’s not an employer’s place to decide if the relationship is close enough or not.
Anon
This is banana pants. She took time off for caregiving. That’s all they need to know about a resume gap.
Anon
I agree and I wouldn’t want to work for an employer who wouldn’t be fine with the fact that I took time off for caregiving in this situation. But I still think she lied and it’s not unreasonable for an employer to be concerned when they catch an interviewee in a lie.
Anon
I don’t see how this is relevant. The caregiving is a past event being described, not a future event for which she is seeking permission. Whether this job would allow it or not doesn’t matter, it’s done.
Anon
Anon at 2:43, then she can just say that! “I took time off for caregiving a close family member” is sufficient and truthful. I don’t think anyone here is saying she owes a prospective employer a detailed explanation of who she was taking care of and why. It’s the describing your FIL as your father that is inaccurate and problematic.
Anon
Yikes!
If my dad dies, I will probably learn of this fact eventually.
If my FIL needs care, I will be there, and when he dies, I will be demolished.
anonshmanon
I think you are conflating two things here. The potential for misunderstanding is there. But whether OP cared for her actual father, father in law, or a person with no relation who was like a father, doesn’t matter. The actual relationship doesn’t matter to the employer. OP didn’t use or abuse any employment related benefits for this, she is being judged for a gap in employment.
There might be a point to be exact if the company policy distinguishes between different relatives for which you get to take bereavement leave, or health insurance. But this doesn’t apply here.
Anon
I don’t think she’s being judged for a gap in employment. They said they didn’t like that she told them she was taking care of her dad when it was actually her FIL. There’s no evidence they would have rejected her if she’d been upfront that it was her FIL (or used a vaguer term like “family member”). It sounds like it was catching her in the lie/inaccuracy/whatever you want to call it that was the issue for them.
anonshmanon
Only someone who has a fundamental issue with people having a gap in employment, would hear an explanation involving personal sacrifice and grief, and thinking “let me research whether this applicant lied about taking this time off”. What reason is there to fact check this in the first place?
Anon
Eh they might have stumbled upon it accidentally. I think it’s very possible someone at the employer knew the FIL or something like that, and they told her they googled it to protect that person’s privacy.
Anonymous
Sorry to say, she probably IS (also) being judged for the gap in employment. Employers do not like to see caregiving as a substitute for employment.… Long time caregiver here
Anon
I agree. And I think you can make the point about how close you are without telling them something false. It doesn’t take many more words to say “My father-in-law, who was like a parent to me,…”
Anonymous
You’re really sticking with this, huh. I am doubling down on my comment that I hope you don’t ever take on a management role and adopting No Face’s comments about how unfortunate it is that you’ve adopted the toxic culture of your Biglaw firm.
Anon
I’m the person who made the comment about Big Law above. I’m no longer in Big Law and I totally agree the culture there is toxic in many ways. But I think it is honestly quite normal for 1) employers to distinguish between different family relationships when it comes to bereavement leave, etc. and 2) for employers to be upset when they catch employees in lies. Both of those things have been true of all my corporate, post-Big Law employers. I personally do not care about what the relationship between the employer and the person she was caring for is, and would not view someone who was caring for her FIL negatively vs an employee who had been off for the same amount of time caring for a parent. But I would not want to hire an employer who lied and referred to her FIL as her father, knowing that many people and employers tend to more sympathetic to losses of closer relatives. If you think that’s toxic…sorry? I don’t like people who lie or mislead. Even if the lie is about an unimportant topic, it’s a huge red flag to me.
Anon
Anon at 4:21 – your expanded explanation of your indefensible position just made you look worse. You are ascribing all kinds of negative intent and motivations to the OP that she has stated she did not have. She did not lie about her “father” needing care – she saw him as a father figure. If you are really this rigid and unforgiving and unempathetic, I am glad I don’t know or have to interact with you IRL. And again, I really hope you do not manage people and will never choose to do that.
Anon
Yeah, please don’t put yourself in a position where you have to hire or manage people. You are not cut out for it. Managers have to have empathy and you seem to be lacking in that department.
Anon
Oof – this is an objectively bad take.
Anonymous
I would think Dad is a role, not a strict definition of male biological parent. Its not the place of an employer to police who a job candidate calls dad. Otherwise, the company better have guidelines for who does or doesn’t fall into the definition.
Is a step-dad ever dad? How about a foster father? What if you’re caring for your mother’s husband who she married long after you left home.
Anon
Yeah, the attitude of Katrinka and some others here is just absolutely awful. There’s no immutable law of the universe that defines what a “dad” is.
Sloan Sabbith
My thought is that the definition of who a “dad” is to someone is what that person defines as a dad for them. Found family is a thing. Foster family is a thing. Chosen family is a thing. Insisting that the only people you can use family terms for are people who you are related to by blood erases so many crucial family relationships that people rely on, and it’s a really outdated way of thinking about family and relationships.
Anon
If any of these crazy people are lawyers, they may also want to familiarize themselves with the concept of in loco parentis under the FMLA.
Anon
Katrina, it would benefit you to read these responses and do some thinking about your thinking on this topic.
Anon
Holy crap they sound awful.
anon
I agree that you dodged a bullet. What bothers me more in general is the hang-up about employment gaps. (I’ve always felt this way, and I think now the world is catching up with me, partly after the past few years.)
I just have never seen what business it is of anyone’s. Originally I think — or it was explained to me once — that the question was intended to reveal whether you’d been in prison. (Attitudes have changed here as well.)
There are other questions that get at that, as well as the ones about whether you’ve ever been fired.
Anonymous
Agree totally on this. I discovered I have cancer when I went to a physical before COBRA would kick in following being let go from a Covid-hit trade show company. I ended up taking a job that was a fraction of my salary and only taking 2 days off after a 3 day hospital stay where I lost my ascending colon surgery because I didn’t want to have to account for the gap and I knew December was coming fast and would make the gap longer. And if you think I’m going to disclose cancer—that’s even worse than a gap. If I were in Europe none of this would even be a thing.
lifer
Ugh. I am so sorry to hear what you had to worry about during such a traumatic time.
Seventh Sister
Yeah, some of the people who I’ve worked with who were straight-up AWFUL had absolutely no employment gaps – because they were a great interview and a terrible hire. Especially with large institutions, it can take a while to get someone out and references are all threadbare.
anon
That is ridiculous. Good riddance to that company. A parent-in-law totally counts, in my book.
Anonymous
My cousin’s biological father is a deadbeat, she never met him, so she calls my father ‘dad’ because he was the one who taught her how to drive, ride a bike, fish, you know….dad stuff. There’s so many very valid reasons to have non traditional family structures and a company certainly isn’t in the position to judge.
Anonymous
It is deceptive to refer to an in-law as your parent. Even if you call him “dad,” he is your father-in-law and not your father, and people will think you are trying to trick them if you say “my dad.”
However, it is worse to go snooping around on the internet to verify a job candidate’s explanation for a resume gap. If they are worried that you were up to something nefarious during that time, they should have done a background check with your consent.
Anon
It’s not deceptive in any way, shape or form. Your first paragraph is totally wrong.
Anon
Yes it is deceptive. Words have meanings. He might be a father-like figure, someone she loves very much, someone who helped raise her, but he is literally not her father. Particularly if she has a father in her life. You don’t have two fathers unless you have gay dads.
Anon
Nope! You’re just plain wrong.
Anon
It sounds like you’re suggesting that we need to be legally adopted by a FIL in order to refer to them as dad. This is ludicrous.
Anon
You’re wrong. Family is not defined by genetics. Your dad might very well not be your genetic parent – 1 in 10 children have a genetic parent that is different than the person they’ve been told is their parent. If you found out tomorrow you and the person you call “Dad” were not related, would that automatically make him not your father? You would stop referring to him as your father and all your feelings about him would change?
Anon
I never said anything about biology. Adoptive fathers are fathers. My father would still be my father even if I found out my mother had had an affair that resulted in my conception. My father-in-law is not my father no matter how long I’ve known him or how much I care about him. People seem to agree that the term “father” has a meaning for purposes of FMLA and bereavement leave that wouldn’t include a father-in-law, so I’m not sure why the definition of the word would change in other contexts.
Anonymous
Words that have broad meanings or that are casually used are more narrowly defined in statutes and policies all the time. The reason for that is to avoid confusion due to the potential for multiple interpretations in instances when it matters for application of the rule/policy/statute. (Not going to get into the right and wrong as to breadth of such rules here.) In common parlance, “Dad” is a nickname or honorarium bestowed upon someone who takes on a fatherly role. There was no issue as to whether the OP was entitled to a benefit or covered by a law here, so she was perfectly in her right to call this person her “dad” under these circumstances. Plus, “dad” is not ever going to be used in a statute/rule/policy because of the fact that it is an informal word. An employer who ascribes malice or fault to someone using informal language in a way they themselves don’t is an employer who is going to be (intentionally or unintentionally) limiting their applicant pool and penalizing employees in a discriminatory way. But a lot of you seem very comfortable with that, and I suspect that some of you have taken refuge and found success in a corporate world full of people with whom you share common background and demographics, where you find safety in the familiar because the real world, full of nuance, is either too hard or too uncomfortable for you.
Anonymous
It think it’s weird to refer to your in laws as you’d parents but not weird enough to not get a job.
Anon
My husband is closer to my parents than he was to his own parents and calls them Mom and Dad. It’s really disappointing to me that someone would automatically leap to “this person is being deceptive” instead of thinking “this person must have been close with her in-law.” The Googling for the obit is creepy and beyond what was necessary, IMO. I’m sorry this happened, but you don’t want to work for these people. They’re gross.
Anon
A friend was raised by her grandparents because of complicated reasons. She calls them her mom and dad because that is the nature of the relationship. For people who come to know her more closely, they learn that the people she calls mom and dad are technically her grandparents, it she doesn’t want to get into all this every time she casually refers to the people who raised her and who she calls mom and dad.
In my wife’s (Japanese) family, it is common to call people aunties even if they aren’t technically what most people would consider aunties. I am an “auntie” to the kids of my wife’s cousins, and I was considered an auntie even before I could legally marry my wife. It’s a generous and gracious expanded definition of family that I love.
As others have said, the OP wasn’t being deceptive in applying for time off or asking for FLMA. The OP was explaining a resume gap. She provided caretaking for a man she called her father because of the long and close relationship she had with him.
The company’s behavior is extremely rigid and culturally insensitive. We can split hairs and say OP was untruthful, but that is a ridiculous and mean spirited take on the situation.
Bullet dodged big time.
Seventh Sister
I think they are nuts and you probably dodged a bad situation. In my own (Waspy middle-class white family), several people (almost always women) have had to decline jobs / take time out of the paid workforce to do eldercare for people who are parent-like but not their own parents (e.g., my aunt taking her live-in boyfriend’s elderly mother to medical treatments). I probably would have shortened it to “dad” if I was in your shoes too.
Senior Attorney
Attention, Station Eleven lovers: I just finished Sea of Tranquility, the latest from Emily St. John Mandel, and literally couldn’t put it down. Five stars, highly recommend! Now I am diving into her earlier oeuvre and loving them, too.
Anon
I’m #1 on the hold list for this at the library but for some reason I haven’t gotten a copy yet!? I’m dying to read it.
No Face
Thanks!
Sloan Sabbith
Oooooooh I’ll start this next. Thanks!
Anonymous
Those who loved the book, can I ask what it was that you loved about it? I read it last week, having heard all the raves, and found it . . . off-puttingly grim. Well-written and evocative, yes, but not what I want to populate my mental landscape with. What are others seeing in it that makes it so attractive?
Senior Attorney
Well-written and evocative, thought-provoking, emotional… all the reasons I loved Station Eleven, of which I gather you are also not a fan. Some of us enjoy speculative fiction, some of us don’t mind reading about pandemics even when we’re in one. And in the end I didn’t come away thinking it was grim — I found plenty of hopefulness in it.
Sloan Sabbith
I uh, kind of love pandemic books, it would turn out? I read End of October in May 2020 and have been meaning to re-read, if that says anything. I also loved Station Eleven on HBO. So I haven’t read this, but off-puttingly grim is (sometimes) my COVID reading mood.
Ses
If you’re looking for recommendations: Year of Wonders was my plague novel favorite. Severance was my gateway plague novel.
pugsnbourbon
My favorite pandemic novel is Parasites Like Us. Adam Johnson, the author, won a pulitzer for his next novel (The Orphan Master’s Son).
Anonymous
Read The End of October if you haven’t yet. It’s pretty horrifying, and it makes me think we were very lucky to how this pandemic has turned out so far.
Anon
Ohhh man, I thought the End of October was so terrible. Not because it gave me pandemic anxiety. It was just so badly written and had so many absurd plotholes. It was my worst read of 2021. I’m not a Roxane Gay fan in general but her Goodreads review of that book is spot on.
Anon
I haven’t read Station Eleven. I don’t love dystopian fiction in general and I don’t think it would be good for my mental health given the current situation. But I ADORED her book The Glass Hotel, so I still count myself as an Emily St. John Mandel stan. The books are very different – I know a lot of Station Eleven fans who didn’t like The Glass Hotel.
Anonymous
I don’t like this author’s books either, so you aren’t alone! I hated Station Eleven.
Anon
Awesome to know, thank you! I’m headed for my honeymoon at the end of April- would it be a good honeymoon read or too depressing? (As a point of reference I read Station Eleven pre-pandemic and didn’t find it too dark/depressing but have been hesitant to reread or watch the show now given life. I don’t love super fluffy books so am good with a little bit of grit but don’t want to be sobbing on vacation.)
Senior Attorney
I don’t think there’s any chance you’ll be sobbing.
If you want a GREAT honeymoon read that is significantly less dark than Emily SJM but still sufficiently gritty for you, I highly recommend Piranesi by Susanna Clarke, which was my fave book of 2021.
Senior Attorney
longer reply in mod, but try Piranesi by Susanna Clarke!
Anon
Thank you!!
Anonymous
Just added this to my “To Read” queue. Thank you. I am terrible at following current literature and besides short lists for prizes and NYT lists, rely heavily on this board for recommendations. So thank you for this one!
Anon
Looking for some salad inspiration! What are your favorite green salad toppings/dressing combinations?
Anonnn
I’ve shared this one here before, but I just made it again today so I guess I’m not over it yet! Whisk olive oil, lemon juice (or True Lemon crystals), and red wine vinegar. Pour over drained oil tinned tuna. Add chopped red bell peppers (roasted works too) and pitted kalamata olives and toss over chopped romaine hearts.
My favorite Caesar dressing is chopped anchovies, lemon juice, Dijon mustard, a few cloves of crushed raw garlic, Worcestershire sauce, and olive oil, whisked and served over chopped Romaine hearts with lots of grated Parmesan (or Pecorino). The mini “artisan” Romaine from Costco is also really good this way.
On spring greens, I use olive oil, cider vinegar, brown sugar (I use Swerve), a little Dijon, a little Worcestershire, and whatever kind of fruit and nuts I have around (frozen pomegranate seeds are convenient). If I want to take the time, I candy the nuts in the sugar. Soft cheese optional.
On butter lettuce, I put ground beef and onions sauteed in bacon fat, dill pickle relish mixed with mayo, mustard, and ketchup, and grated cheddar cheese (“cheese burger salad”).
And I still like the iceberg wedge smothered in blue cheese dressing that was trendy decades ago.
Jules
Add to greens drained mandarin oranges, dress with lime vinaigrette (I use Persian lime-infused olive oil and lime balsamic vinegar) and top with sliced almonds
Add to romaine chunks of avocado and tomatillos, dress with just a little olive oil (maybe some white balsamic vinegar if you llike) and salt
Add to sturdy greens sliced apples or pears, walnuts and maybe dried cranberries, use a slightly sweet dressing (I did this with a maple vinaigrette at Thanksgiving)
Anon
This reminds me that avocado and grapefruit with a light vinaigrette is good on bibb lettuce. I used to sprinkle poppyseeds on this too (maybe it was a Martha Stewart recipe?).
I’ll be trying your lime vinaigrette!
Anonymous
I like sesame ginger dressing over citrus, tofu and almonds.
Anonymous
I have a mani/pedi scheduled. Pretty conservative job but I will be visiting family and can wear whatever color I want. Which colors are catching your eye this spring?
Anon
Coral! I haven’t been able to travel to a beach in years, so I’m loving tropical-inspired pinks.
anon
A light Easter-egg blue! Lavender! Coral forever!
Emma
That seems insane to me. I feel like the fact that they Googled an obituary is invasive/violating, but then to police how you represented the relationship is extra-bizarre. I think it is also a bit culturally-biased? My boyfriend is Indian, and his mom has made it clear multiple times that if we get married I have to call her “Mom,” as is customary for them. I also grew up in a family with flexible definitions for defining family members – cousins more than ten years younger are nieces/nephews, cousins that live with you are siblings, any close family friend that’s in your life is an auntie/uncle. I feel like this is common in certain places. The idea of someone determining that your relationship doesn’t count enough, even though they don’t dispute the fact that you DID provide eldercare, strikes me as a huge red flag. You dodged a bullet in my opinion. Working for a place like that is only going to make you constantly feel on edge and policed. Especially when they ask invasive questions about why you were offline for an hour or how sick you REALLY were when you took a day of PTO…
Hugs though! That is terrible.
Sloan Sabbith
What’s the most versatile piece of furniture or item in your home?
For me it is a $20 Ikea wire nightstand that my mom bought for me 11 years ago when I moved into my first dorm room. Since then, it’s been used in every room (except for as an actual nightstand!). It’s held up remarkably well over ~ten moves (thank god I’m done with that period of my life, no moving for me for awhile!). It’s the Lennart.
Anon
The screw-down piano stool my mom used as a child. They were going to throw it out when they were cleaning my grandfather’s house, since it isn’t good quality, but it’s quirky and I love it. Brass claw feet holding clear marbles, the works. It’s too old and frail to support a person now, but I use it as a plant stand, and it was my laptop holder at the beginning of the pandemic when I hadn’t yet realized I would need a more permanent (and ergonomic!) WFH set-up.
Senior Attorney
Set of three wooden nesting tables. Largest one is end-table height and maybe 18 inches square. They go all over the house as needed because somebody is always in need of a place to put something like a drink or a laptop for a Zoom meeting!
Curious
Us, too! Though baby is about to start pulling up on them, and they are tippy, so they will have to hide for a while.
Anon
Probably similar to your nightstand. Little tables – smaller than an end table, lightweight and easy to move around – are something no one knew they needed until they have one or two.
Mine are 20+ years old from Ethan Allen. The main one lives in the living room and can be grabbed to hold a book and a drink to your side when you’re sitting across the couch and the end table is behind you. I have the other one right to the side of my desk right now to act as a place to hold tax related papers separate from my work papers until taxes are done. It otherwise holds a couple of reference books I use from time to time that would take up too much room on my desk.
Anon
This is the idea.
https://www.westelm.com/products/mid-century-drink-table-h6809/
Mine are slightly larger and not mid century, but same general approach. Not in place of an end table, just a handy thing to have around.
I forgot to add they’re great for when people are over.
I would never have thought to buy these but when my first husband moved out and took basically everything, I used the free help from an Ethan Allen designer, and she said, “throw in a couple of little tables – you will never regret them.” She was right.
Senior Attorney
Little tables for the win!!
Sloan Sabbith
Oh, totally. My dad and I found 2 Nordic-ish nesting tables at Value Village in 2013. It turns out they’re actually from a kind of well-known brand (I don’t remember which brand) but we got them for $5 each. They’ve been used everywhere.
Lily
An upholstered (royal blue velvet with brass hardware) bench from West Elm. It has served as a window bench for extra seating in the living room, a dining bench in lieu of two chairs in the dining room, and an entry-way bench to sit and take your shoes off. Love it, and since it’s velvet it’s super easy to clean, and it’s a bright color that makes a statement.
anon
I have a similar thing except it’s a square storage seat instead of a bench. Can be placed at the entrance to put shoes on, can be in the library as a stool to reach the bookshelf, can be moved in a pinch to the living room for additional seating. I love that that thing.
Ribena
Probably my two 2×2 Expedit units from IKEA that I bought when moving into a student room without a bookcase or drawers in 2013. I now have one as a TV unit and the other in my kitchen.
Sloan Sabbith
I also have a ton of those (a couple 2x1s, one 4×1) that have been used in a million different places. One is at the top of my stairs now with two pretty baskets inside holding extra meds because the space looked oddly empty without something in it and I needed the storage, another is in my living room holding plants and cookbooks, another is in my closet holding pajamas.
Anon
An 8 mos but fast moving relationship ended 12 days ago and I’m struggling with moments of memory flashes, of inside jokes, of his favorite foods or activities or songs when they come up in my regular life, of things I find that would have been the perfect thing to wear to something with him that will obviously no longer occur, etc. Is there a something I should be doing to make these fade or stop or is this just a time thing? It feels like a gut punch every time but this is my first breakup in many years so I’m just not sure how to process or where to put those moments or memories.
Lily
Yes, the only way out is through. Journaling can be really cathartic.
Anon
I’m so sorry. It’s a time thing, although I would certainly let yourself indulge in whatever brings you temporary comfort.
Emma
I’m so sorry too. Mourning is a physical process, and sometimes you just have to feel it until you don’t feel it any more. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. I find journaling, working out, and meditating to be very helpful.
Here is my favorite heartbreak guide: https://www.instagram.com/p/B01qp5CF-vv/?hl=en
anon
I want to add that if you feel this relationship was meaningful and important to you, don’t tell yourself that because it was 8 months you should be feeling a certain way. The time in a relationship isn’t the most important factor, rather the meaning. Plenty of people leave dead marriages after 15 years and are so done with it they don’t require a lot of time to ‘get over it’. I grieved a six month relationship more than a 3 year one.
Anon
+1 million. Also, OP, yeah, it just takes time. This is what ice cream and Donna Summer were invented for.
Anon
Grief sucks. Give it time. Try signing up for new activities (I took a candle-making class) or keeping yourself busy (I also baked everything). This will fade, I promise.
Anon
It’s only been 12 days. Cut yourself some slack. Break ups are hard! Give yourself some time but for now, to make it a little easier, focus on something else whether it’s events with your friends, family, work, hobbies, traveling. When my ex broke up with me I booked a solo trip to Europe. It’s important to keep your mind and focus on something else.
Uma Coltortina
Hugs to you, and shame on him for breaking up with you. Yes, it’s OK to feel this way, and you will find it easier to move on if you grieve the way you are dong. Not sure what you mean by fast moving 8 month relationship. Did he deceive you by getting you to have sex with him too early, or promise you marriage to get sex? Whatever the deception was, focus on it now so that you won’t repeat it with the next guy who tries to pull the same kind of stunts. It does hurt now, but since you’ve been with other men before, it is not as bad as the first time you broke up with a guy. After another week, I recommend taking all things about him, and burning them up, figuratively and/or physically. Once gone, they won’t be there to give you any more pain.
Anon
OP never he broke up with her, nor did she suggest there was deception. That’s a lot to presume.
Anon
FFS
Dr. The Original ...
In the mood for a bit of a game slash share… Please share stories of your biggest “dodged a bullet” moment or situation. Whether it’s someone or a job or a place or a purchase or something else, share them and their stories (including the situation and how or when you knew you’d dodged one) here!
Senior Attorney
I’m all over this thread, but I can’t resist:
1. Almost literal bullet-dodging: Many years ago I was driving on the freeway late at night after visiting a friend and her newborn baby, when all of a sudden I was practically on top of a stalled car in my lane. I was able to swerve onto the shoulder and avoid a 65 mph crash, but for a minute I thought I was a goner! I still sometimes think I’ve been living on borrowed time ever since.
2. Purchase: Even more years ago when I was a poor law student, my first husband and I were in Carmel By the Sea, which is full of art galleries which are as hard-sell as they are charming. We came upon an art piece we liked and the salesperson put us in a room with it, and really cranked up the pressure until we came thisclose to buying it for the then-princely-to-us sum of like $1,800 (in 1985). We finally made our escape, saying we loved it but wanted to sleep on it. Then we woke up in the morning and looked at each other wonderingly and said “OMG what did we almost do???” P.S. funnily enough, I still sometimes think about that piece and kind of wish we had pulled the trigger even though we totally couldn’t afford it.
Anon
One less thing to fight about in the divorce: you dodged a bullet.
Senior Attorney
Haha we’re friends now, 30 years post divorce (he and his sister and me and my current husband all say we’re our favorite relatives), and he still gives me a hard time about the division of the art when he sees it hanging on the wall when he comes for Thanksgiving!
Betsy
I left a job with truly terrible health insurance (like, the out of pocket maximum was so high it didn’t qualify for an HSA) for one with great insurance just a couple months before a serious illness in my family. As it was, it was a tough financial period where we ran through our emergency fund but it would have been financially devastating if we had been on the terrible insurance plan!
Anon
We desperately wanted a specific house, but our bid wasn’t the one accepted. It was a custom colonial with tons of wide picture windows and a large partially wooded lot. I unhealthily obsessed over the place, since I passed it on my commute.
A little less than two years later, the farmland next to it was purchased and turned into a daycare. What we thought was a peaceful retreat became the next-door neighbor to screaming toddlers for 8+ hours a day. My dad laughed and said “If you like the view, you have to buy it” and I’ve kept that wisdom in the back of my head ever since.
Anon
I graduated from college in 2010, so there weren’t exactly a lot of entry level professional jobs to go around. I interviewed for an admin position at some private club in downtown Seattle (the Rainier Club maybe?) and was way too shy and young and nervous to realize I should have noped right out of there after the first interview. The old, male interviewer actually asked me if I had plans to get married and have kids in the near future. I didn’t get hired and it probably was because I was too shy. Maybe not the biggest bullet dodged in history, but I sometimes wonder if I had got that job if it would have changed my core beliefs and values in any way.
Sloan Sabbith
That in no way surprises me about the Rainier Club. I’ve been to events there a couple times and one time the guy out front asked me if I had “any heels to put on” before I entered. I was in a sheath dress with leather booties, it was completely professional. I am so uncomfortable when I have to go there.
Curious
Ha, I got turned away from the Yale Club in New York at some point for wearing a just-above-the-knee dress over leggings. Apparently leggings are pants, and pants were not okay. The horror. Though that wasn’t as awful as being forced to wrap myself in a skirt (over my baggy pants) to visit Orthodox catacombs in Ukraine, because “women don’t wear pants.” Neither of these are bullets dodged, just things that upset me.
Uma Coltortina
I have had so many run ins with men over my clothing that I’ve given up. I am slightly overweight, but still attractive. Nonetheless, I’ve been plagued by men ever since I was a college senior looking for work. Men always comment on my clothing, and some of them have suggested that I go out with them shopping for new clothes. At least 2 of them wanted to accompany me into dressing rooms, just so that they could help me with the fittings!?! Now I am not from the US originally, but I am not dumb either. These raw attempts to see me half-unclothed were outrageous and I disassociated myself from these men. You should also.
Ribena
Not me, but my dad has a habit of being on a train or plane directly after one on a very bad situation. He was on a Tube one behind one of the 7/7 attackers, IIRC, and was on a train that was next to go through a tunnel when it collapsed a couple of years later. So I would always travel with him or hours later, never just before or behind him.
Anon
I have a friend like this! He was playing tourist in NYC on 9-11, was ESOL teaching in India during the Boxing Day tsunami, and was vacationing in Paris during the Thalys train attack. His poor mother is (rightfully) high strung.
Seventh Sister
I have a friend who got a box of donuts near the WTC on the morning of 9/11 and decided to go home and eat them instead of sitting right there.
Emma
I was on a plane right after a NY to Paris plane that crashed in the early 1990s (a few hours apart, with the same airline). I was about five so my memories of this are vague, but I remember my dad cried when he picked us up at the airport and that never happened. This was before the internet, so my poor dad was listening to the radio on his way to pick up his wife and daughter from the airport and didn’t know if it was our flight that crashed. He had a big cut on his face because he was shaving when he first heard. My mom also remembers that the person in the front row was complaining about how I was kicking the seat (see: I was 5) and the stewardess burst into tears and told her she was lucky to be alive and there were bigger issues in life. Which my mom thought was weird at the time, but realized after landing that the crew had somehow heard what had happened.
Cornellian
That’s a wild story!
Monday
In a job interview, the interviewer (who also led the agency) said “occasionally, in the morning I call everybody and tell them to just take the day off!” This was presented as a perk to the job. However, the reason for these last-minute days off…was that there wasn’t enough revenue to pay for the staff’s time. (For that particular day only? Who knows, I didn’t bother to ask.) So basically, she thought that spontaneous furloughs would appeal to me. I withdrew from consideration. (Earlier red flag: the office had been closed when I first arrived for the interview. People eventually showed up later and let me in.)
I started adding another story from the dating apps, but then realized I have too many!
anon
Long ago I went to a grocery store late at night to stock up before snowstorm coming in the morning. I was young and foolish and didn’t lock my car door. I vaguely noticed I was being followed in the grocery store by a man and a woman…when I went out to the parking lot they were sitting in my car. I thought they had mistaken my car for theirs, so I opened the door and screamed at them, told them to get the *@&#&% out of my car. They got out and I got right in my car, shaking my head as I drove away until I realized I may have dodged a very bad situation.
Anon
I had a full-ride scholarship with a stipend for room and board to the Top 25 law school in my Midwestern home state, but I didn’t want to move back there or leave my college friends. So I put down a deposit at a similarly ranked law school in my college city that had given me no money. My parents warned me that taking on ~$200k of debt was a terrible idea and of course I ignored them. I was totally prepared to pay full freight at this school, but a couple weeks after I put my down my deposit they gave me a large tuition scholarship. I still graduated with some debt, but it was not crippling, which is a good thing because I started law school in ’07 and graduated in ’10 and by the time I graduated there was basically no job market for lawyers, even ones who were on law review at a T20 law school. I did eventually get into Big Law, but I was under- or unemployed for a year and a half and I can’t imagine how stressful that would have been with such a massive amount of debt.
Anon
I was planning to go out of town for a few days on a work trip – was going to leave directly from the office, DH was home was in charge of our two young kids, aged 3 and 1. We’d talked at around 4:30 as I was getting ready to leave the office, and I told him I’ll call again after I landed. But on my drive towards the airport, I realized I’d forgotten a specific item at home that I was going to need for the trip, and sped home. When I got there, DH was on the floor, knocked out and bleeding pretty profusely from a fall. I called an ambulance and stayed with the kids until grandma and grandpa could drive over to watch the kids.
DH is fine now, but I have no idea what would have happened if he’d been there for hours before I called to check in. I’m not sure I even would have panicked, not for hours – I’d just assume things were busy with the kids and he couldn’t get to the phone. No idea how things might have turned out. I still get chills thinking about it.
Anon
Wow, so scary.
Anon
I was miserable at my job, absolutely hated it- cried every day. Interviewed at a new place where the supervisor I would be under was supervised by my mentor. He had nothing but amazing things to say about this woman who would be supervising me and I thought my mentor was incredible and would only hire great people.
Turns out she is a terrible supervisor who is extremely racist; over the course of her time, she fired or demoted several BIPOC staff for problems that paled in comparisons to major screw ups made by white colleagues who were promoted. She also became well known for mass emailing the whole team (50+ people) on the weekends, holidays, and after work to harshly scold one person about a typo in an email or other extremely minor issues. I did not get the job. I ended up having to work with her in a different context (but not supervised by her) and every time I did I thanked god she was not my supervisor. It really makes me question my mentor’s judgment because she was SO terrible and he never did fire her, she eventually quit (5 years later). I’m not entirely sure his team told him the full extent of the issues tbh but he had to know a lot of them.
Anon
I dated a narcisstic guy after my divorce. Although he was very charismatic and handsome, I could just sense he was toxic. After 2 months, I broke it off (nicely), and he was SUCH a jerk about it. Just unnecessarily rude. My suspicions about him were spot on, and I’m so glad I could have some fun but break it off relatively quickly. I’m so grateful I didn’t ignore my instincts. Somebody will accept the bare minimum, but it won’t be me.
Seventh Sister
I’m really, really glad the guy I was into in law school wasn’t that into me. It was a terrible relationship and I’m so glad we didn’t end up together in the end.
Anon
I feel that way about the guy I met in grad school! Wish it hadn’t taken me 4 years to realize, but I eventually did and I’m much happier for it!
Anon
Same, except in med school. Bullet dodged. I met my husband after that one.
Anon
I’m a physician. After medical school we apply for residency programs to complete our training and it’s typical to apply to a ton of programs all over the country. I applied to 25 (which was an appropriate number), freaked out before any interviews were granted and applied to 2 more, freaked out again a few days later and applied to 3 more. 30 applications total which was definitely overkill. But when I went on interviews, I completely fell in love with a program in a city I had never been to. I matched there, loved my program, stayed on as an attending, met my husband, had a kid, plan on living here for life. It was application #30.
Senior Attorney
I love this!
Anon
If this isn’t a Hallmark plot, it should be.
Anon
We came very close to pulling the trigger on buying a house in 2007, at the peak of the market, in an older neighborhood. We loved the house but I got cold feet about the price, and we backed out before signing the offer papers. The house plummeted in value in the housing crash and the neighborhood has gone way downhill thanks to some questionable zoning decisions by the city (i.e., the city allowed a liquor-selling convenience store to move in smack-dab in the middle of the residential zone, and it completely changed the tone of the area). So glad we did not buy that house. Something in my head kept telling me “this is wrong, this is wrong” and I’m glad I listened.
Anon
I was once in the running for a job that would have been a huge step up for me and would have involved a move across the country. They told me they were making me an offer and I was so excited. I had already looked at real estate there (they set me up with an agent, they were very serious) and I’d imagined my life in the new city in great detail.
The offer never came. I got next to no explanation why but the next thing I know, one of my then-coworkers was announcing her resignation. She got the job. I didn’t know she was going for it. I was devastated. I still remember lying on my bed and feeling my tears running into my ears.
I sort of lost touch with the coworker that got the job, but years later I ran into her at a conference and we were being chitchatty and I finally told her that I had gone for the same job (she no longer worked there.) She literally told me I dodged a bullet. The job was nothing like they said it would be, the boss turned out to be a nightmare – his name was actually Dick, and he lived up to it – and she never stopped wishing she hadn’t accepted it.
It was such a good reality check for me, because I’d spent years feeling lowkey jealous, and there was really nothing to be jealous about.
Anonymous
I interviewed at another law firm and was close to an offer when they abruptly put a halt to the recruiting process. Shortly thereafter they were sued for gender discrimination by a lateral partner in what would have been my office.
Anonymous
I used to finish work and hop on any bus going in the direction of my house since my house was near a major bus terminal. One day I had a late call and got distracted chatting after we finished our work discussion. That call made me about 15 minutes ‘late’ for the bus, the bus I normally would have taken crashed, there were many fatalities. The call and pointless social banter saved my life.
Anon
Re Bruce Willis and his sad situation. How do you know when something is very serious like this and not just an older guy in denial about his hearing loss? My partner is about a decade younger and I had long attributed some quirks to needing heating aids but this week I am really questioning some things. There is a lot of resistance to even addressing what to me is at least a hearing loss issue so I’d expect more for something very serious like the Willis family is dealing with.
Anonymous
Hearing loss is associated with cognitive decline.
Anonymous
Push him on the hearing aid issue because it can contribute to memory loss even if nothing else is wrong. Once you resolve that, you can start figuring out if there’s a larger problem.
Anonymous
I can swear I’ve watched this happen with my father in law. It’s maddening. He refused to get a hearing aid so now he’s missing out on most conversations and he yells at strangers without realizing he’s doing it. He’s increasingly isolated and depressed and impossible to be around. A few years ago he could hear everyone but me (higher pitched voice); now he’s that crazy guy yelling in Starbucks. Please talk to your husband.
Anon
I briefly experienced aphasia before a pernicious anemia diagnosis. I feel grateful everyday that it was possible to turn it around so I could return to work and my life as before. Thinking about how the entire diagnosis was nearly missed still makes me catch my breath wondering where I’d be now. I guess indefinite misdiagnosis was my bullet dodged.
I think nearly everyone needs hearing aids eventually if we live long enough? We’re all exposed to sounds that are known to damage hearing pretty routinely. I wish (a) we did more to limit damaging sounds and to protect people from them (b) we all learned sign language in school and were better prepared for expected hearing loss and the need for aids.
Seventh Sister
I think people who are isolated (and famous people can get very isolated) often stop doing things that would make it clear there is a problem. Also sometimes people doctor-shop if they don’t like what the doctor is telling them at appointments. My in-laws basically wind up with an entirely new set of doctors about every 3 years because the doctors (quite reasonably) suggest things like neurological assessments, therapy, etc.
Anon
I absolutely believe you but also struggle to understand seeing doctors and then avoiding things like assessments or therapy! I’m probably speaking from a middling insurance perspective though.
Seventh Sister
It’s mind-boggling. Basically, they are very difficult elderly patients who will do the things they like (e.g., take a new drug, have a different surgery) and then refuse to do things like physical therapy (because I can do stretches I find on the Internet) or have a frank talk about what kind of physical exertion is appropriate for an old many who has had 8 hernia operations.
Seventh Sister
Old man, sorry. And I’m just the terrible daughter-in-law, the shameless career harpy who keeps them from their grandchildren (untrue). Their adult sons won’t suggest (or insist) on anything.
Anonymous
I’m not sure if there are degrees of aphasia but it’s not like someone going “eh?!” Or missing parts of the conversation… it’s like when you want to say “I’ll have a ham sandwich” and instead say “boopity califragilistic” (or other nonsense words.) I thought it was usually part of a stroke or dementia.
(And I saw some people commenting that aphasia isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a symptom… so the family is probably just not naming the stroke/dementia diagnosis.)
lifer
There is a neurologic disorder that is primarily – a progressive aphasia. It is called primary progressive aphasia. It falls within a family of disorders that share some pathology with frontemporal dementia, which is more common.
I don’t know if this is what Bruce Willis has.
As I have aged, I have many times wondered…… is it lack of sleep? Stress? Menopause? Aging ? or do I have Primary Progressive Aphasia…..
Anonymous
People with aphasia don’t always say nonsense words. My grandfather knew he couldn’t find the right words, and he’d find a workaround to get his point across.
The Ultimatum
Omg is anyone watching the Ultimatum on Netflix? What a spectacle – I can’t imagine doing that lol! Living with someone else for 3 weeks in a “trial marriage” when you are already in a serious relationship? I don’t know how you come back to the original relationship after that but it is good tv!
Kate
Yes! I’m only on ep 2, but this show is wild!! And the people are so young to be issuing ultimatums for marriage!
Anon
Yes! So weird to be 25 and issuing marriage ultimatums! I would be so jealous if I were on the show with my significant other and then had to watch him with someone else!
Anon
My guilty pleasure! I binged all the episodes in 2 days. I think most of the couples should not stay together.
Lisa
Omg I’m OBSESSED. I have been telling everyone about it haha. I can’t imagine how sick-to-my-stomach I’d feel to see my partner flirting with other women, telling them they understood him like no one else after two days, cuddling with them and hearing the women talk about his e****ions. How do they handle that??
I also have been kind of shocked by how… open about gardening these people have been from day one with relative strangers? So much talk about sex drive and seemingly open desire for new people in spite of being in a relationship. Do you guys think they selected for a more sexually uninhibited group, or am I just a prude? I’d also be a bit floored if my partner were being so openly sexual with new women without the slightest pause, and I can’t imagine doing so either.
Would love to hear everyone’s thoughts haha.
Uma Coltortina
I also do not understand men who expect me to have sex with them at work if I am at all friendly with them (in a non-sexual way). These are men who are already in relationships, and in may cases, supposedly happily married. I am only 27 years old so do not want to be associated with men who have baggage, but by stepping back from men like these, I feel I am becoming isolated at work. Is there a way to be friendly without triggering that kind of sexual response from men? So far, I haven’t been able to find the right balance.
Anonymous
Reality TV is fake luv xx. Those people are actors.
Anon
Dude, being a manager sucks some days. Vent coming forth.
I had a hard working staffer who had a great work ethic and lots of pride in their work. The downside is that they were borderline insubordinate, refused to delegate, and unable to train others or explain their work.
Because of these reasons primarily (there are others), they have not been promoted. They asked for a transfer… which they got. It’s to a unit in the same department and I get along well with the unit director (let’s call her Carrie). Carrie took her as a transfer hearing all my good things about this employee but also being aware of some of the issues… which we thought were also related to being so entrenched in a program. This was Staffer’s fresh start.
Well, Staffer was transferred and totally 100% refused to help train her replacement. Has been actively difficult and borderline incompetent/refusing to do new things in her new role (think: basic things, not things where you would need more training). Recently, I had multiple promotions come up in my shop – I haven’t even yet filled them all!
Staffer was my leading candidate for one of them… but literally has done such crazy stuff that I actually can’t hire her at this point. Staffer is also ranting that I’m bringing in external people for these roles. I… I haven’t even filled all of them yet and one of them was going to be filled by her? And the person who has been onboarded/introduced is a long time staffer (so also internal).
So now I am finding myself apologizing profusely to Carrie because Staffer was ‘not as advertised’. On the other hand, her replacement is making my life so much easier! So I am stuck between guilt and relief. Feeling sad I can’t promote this staffer and also like I dodged a bullet.
pugsnbourbon
This sounds tough, but this staffer has shown you who they are. If you’ve laid everything out to her that you’ve said to us here, and she’s still behaving this way, Carrie will need to figure out if her skills and expertise outweigh the negatives about her.
Anon
“they were borderline insubordinate, refused to delegate, and unable to train others or explain their work”
I don’t know why you would thinking moving to a new department would solve any of these issues? Sounds like she should be fired, quite frankly.
Anonymous
The insubordination isn’t fixable. That would have been a non-starter. But I have seen the other two be situational and possibly better in a new environment. If someone takes a lot of pride in their work, as she described, there may be hesitation to delegate when those under wildly lack skillset or aren’t dependable. Inability to train others isn’t the same as being unwilling–that can be a two-way street as well, especially if the task is deeply technical or a specialized skill (a graphic designer could show me how to use software and I’ll pick it up if given enough time and patients, but I’m not going to have the same “eye” for what makes good design due to my lack of experience and artistic talent.
I wouldn’t be too hard on OP. But what a nightmare. Now it’s clear the whole package is bad.
Anon
OP here. Not sure if you’ll see this, but it was the type of a situation where there’s a deeply technical role that this person had been doing for more than a decade. The borderline insubordination was believed (at the time) to be them being ‘set in their ways’ and also having somebody who was (successfully and accurately) doing a needed (and complex!) job. At the time, we saw a lot of ‘I know better than you.’
Adding to the dynamic, I was brought in as a manager a couple years ago. I was able to coach the person and get some progress, particularly on interpersonal issues. I always assumed that part of their issue was a frustration that I didn’t know the program ‘as well as them’.
Anon
You do not sound like a good manager at all.
Anon
I agree. OP it sounds like you passed the buck rather than dealing with the issue. I’ve had that done to me and it’s really difficult if not possible to get past the fact that your colleague would do that to you. The person who was foisted onto me (see Larry David’s show for my use of the term foisted) eventually had to be escorted out of the building by security.
You feel guilty talking to Carrie because you should feel guilty.
Anon
Yeah, this definitely will harm OP’s relationship with her colleague.
Anon
Here’s the crummy thing. Staffer was grumbly and didn’t want to train with me, but did decent work and up until the last 4-5 months, I would (and did!) have attested to the fact that they could be prickly but would be very direct that they were very good in a technical role.
I had inherited this staffer and had dealt with quite a few issues with this one. The transfer was initiated and set up not by me foisting but by another mutual manager thinking, ‘Oh hey! Carrie needs help and Staffer is a good technical staffer.’
Don’t worry, feeling like utter crap that apparently staffer has gone off the deep end… we think it’s because they didn’t get the promotion? Which I actually didn’t hire for yet?
Senior Attorney
I feel like Ask a Manager would be saying it’s time for Staffer to be separated from the organization.
Anon
Staffer has always had a good technical reputation (although a reputation that they can be territorial about their work. Never nasty or unprofessional, but very territorial) and now they’re about to start having PIP type conversations with their manager.
Carrie thinks that staffer honestly only knew how to do one task.
Anon
Obnoxiously long comment in mod. Being a manager is HARD.
A staffer who I have really tried to help is self sabotaging so badly that I literally am having trouble believing that what I’m hearing is the same person who used to work for me.
But the other part? I was going to hire her for a promotion… and now I feel like I have dodged a bullet.
Sloan Sabbith
Is she going through something in her personal life that’s causing that shift in behavior? Not having read the comment I assume there’s background, but that’s always what I wonder when someone’s entire work persona changes.
Anon
I’m genuinely wondering this! I mean, current theory is that staffer is acting out because they didn’t get the promotion, but also: I don’t think I’m accurately conveying how shocking this is.
They were my go-to staffer. My manager (who had worked with Staffer for many years before I came) shared my assessment – prickly but technically great. We thought a role which really needed a technical expert was the right fit and the job was open and the transfer seemed good to go.
Betsy
I think I will need to replace my boiler soon, and I’m trying to figure out my options ahead of time. Right now it is an oil boiler that runs our hot water radiators and our hot water runs off of it. Given the state of things, it seems like an electric boiler would be a better option in the future, but that also doesn’t currently seem to be the norm around here. I’m actually not even sure who you contact to get an electric boiler installed – all the local plumbing and heating companies seem to refer to gas/propane/oil products on their websites. Does anyone have an electric boiler and can share the pros and cons? From my googling, the internet seems to suggest that it is more expensive to run, but I really question whether that will be true over the next 20 years. I also think we may install solar panels in the next year or two, which might further reduce the operating costs.
anonshmanon
When looking at online articles for which thing is more economical, play close attention to the date of the post and region of the news outlet. I recently researched the potential savings if I were to replace my fridge, and a lot of articles assumed a certain price for electricity, meanwhile my local CA price is vastly different, and that changes the math. Also the difference between electricity prices and fuels has changed a lot in the last months, so an early 2020 article might come out with a completely different conclusion.
Anon
What about a heat pump?
Anon
radiators are likely to need gas boiler. they are less efficient but also provide moister heat than anything else and useful in so many ways
Anon
Totally last minute, we decided to go to a pretty big concert tonight. I haven’t been to a concert in ages -what on earth should I wear? It’s a very big name, but appeals largely to my parents’ generation. I’m 42 and going with my husband and some friends, and it will be annoyingly cold tonight.
Anonymous
Jeans, booties, leather jacket.
Anonymous
Rock concert? Whatever darker clothes you like, that will keep you warm. Jeans are fine. Crossbody or wristlet bag.
Classical? More polished, nice blouse, not jeans.
Anon
Jeans, sweater, leather jacket
anon
Is there anything similar to the Girl on Go trench that’s available in actual colors? This time of year, I can barely stand to look at my dark, neutral coats. And marigold might be my worst color ever.
Sloan Sabbith
I just got the Charly coat from Eddie Bauer. It’s not a trench, but it is available in blue, light blue, dark blue, green, pink and camo. It has an adjustable waist which I like and a good pocket situation, which I really like.
Anonymous
Maybe the Lululemon Rain Rebel jacket?
Anonymous
I like my Antonio Melani anoraks.
Nora
Unexpected benefit of dating – I’ve started cleaning my apartment more often just in case he comes over.
Who knew that if you deep(er) clean your apartment once a week its much easier to keep up /s
Also, maybe I was trying to have Sunday be cleaning day but Friday afternoon when you’re working from home, before going out, is a better time.
Cat
knocking out chores on weeknights is the best. Who wants to spend Sunday on laundry or cleaning?!
Anon
Favorite Trader Joe’s items, especially snacks or treats? Heading there after work and could use some new inspiration!
Lisa
I just bought their Lemon Shortbread ice cream and it’s one of my new favorites! I also love their matcha ice cream mochi, peanut butter cups, and salt-and-pepper potato chips.
They have a great selection of freeze-dried fruits (like astronaut food) and trail mix. They also have the best gummy bears. I’d also recommend buying cheeses and crackers – it’s probably the cheapest place to buy fixings for a charcuterie board.
Cat
Love the Romesco dip / spread. The chimichurri rice (frozen section) is also on constant rotation!
Auburn
Co-sign the romesco dip! Love having that as an afternoon snack with baby carrots.
Senior Attorney
I love the chocolate (and sometimes they have vanilla and if you’re really lucky they have lemon) baton wafer cookies. Only problem is they’re like Girl Scout Cookies — a package is a serving in our house! Also love the peanut butter stuffed pretzel bites.
DB Cooper
You should try the chocolate hazelnut stuffed Bombas! Small bag (like boxed lunch chips size) which is good because you WILL eat in one sitting. Think, if Reese’s and Nutella hooked up with a water cookie. Sigh….
Senior Attorney
OMG…
Anonymous
Nuts
Dried fruit
Brownie ice cream sandwiches
Hatch chile mac and cheese
TJ’s ice cream, ricotta cheese, and organic stick butter are the best
Bagged salads
Pizza dough and the refrigerated pizza sauce
Shredded asiago and gruyere cheese mix
Margarita mix
Everything But the Bagel seasoning to sprinkle on avocado toast
Fig and olive crisps plus honey goat cheese
Peanut butter pretzels
Potato chips, the classic ones
Peanut butter Joe-Joes
TJ’s copy of Fig Newtons (better than the original)
Blondie bar mix
Vanilla extract
Toasted sesame oil
Brioche bread for French toast
Anonymous
You can shop for me!
Anon
The little mini ice cream filled cones. All the flavors are good but I’m a sucker for chocolate.
Fairly virtuous but I really think the Champs Elysees salad greens are one of the better greens mixes out there. Sometimes a few of the pieces are a bit large but I just tear them with my hands if I spot them.
For that salad mix, I make this vinaigrette:
https://youtu.be/-BJfsqzmeYg
And serve it with some protein or roasted veg or both added to it. Last time I did a seared salmon filet and it was so, so good.
Anon
Chocolate covered pretzel slims
Dr. The Original ...
Let’s take after one of our members’ responses… instead of dodging a bullet in a bad way, what’s a great thing that’s happened that almost didn’t or only did because of a series of seemingly random events?
Anon
Decided to buy a house (5+ years ago so things were not as crazy). Really liked the first house we saw, though it did have some downsides, and thought “in any event you can’t buy the first house you see, right?” Toured 20+ more houses and figured out the original one was not only perfect for us, but a steal, but also figured it was long gone. Nope, was only taken off the market bc the owners thought that the current tenant was off-putting and were going to wait and re-list after they departed. We got the original and still love it and our neighborhood :)
Senior Attorney
I have bought the first house I saw twice and it worked out great. Snap it up, says I!
AnonMo
I boomeranged back to a job I like in an office I adore!
Left for a stretch role I was headhunted aggressively for, regretted every second of it. You can bet I was ecstatic when my former boss called to tell me my old position was open again and she wouldn’t bother posting it if I was interested. Maybe not random, but the amazing thing is that they ran a comp study while I was away to equalize things and my new-old role now pays 1.5 times my previous salary. For the same work.
Anonymous
I bought a house the day we went into COVID lockdown for the first time, March 2020. Everyone told me it was a bad idea, that we didn’t know what the future would be. Well my house has since doubled in value and it’s a perfect house for me, it was the best decision ever.
Tea/Coffee
Had a great job with an unbearable Crazy Boss. Was 100% set on leaving, was working with recruiters and headhunters pursuing some roles that sounded great. Completely just dropped the rope bc I had zero intention of staying. Literally thought to myself, “I need to call those recruiters back but first I’ll go to the staff meeting to see what Crazy Boss is announcing now.” Well, it turns out the Crazy Boss was announcing that he was leaving and Sane (adjacent) Boss would be taking over. Not temporarily, not acting, full time permanent forever.
Has bought me five additional years in a great role at a great company. Thank goodness I didn’t rush into the first role that was available….
Anonymous
I interviewed to be an admin at a law firm, I studied something entirely unrelated but I was desperate for a job. The lawyer who interviewed me had the exact same undergrad, the ‘interview’ ended up just being a chat about our educations, belief systems, goals etc. At the end he told me I was too smart to work for him and I should do better things. He was so right, I wonder sometimes if he knows how much he changed my life.
Anon
Just happened to be perusing Missed Connections on Craigslist (is that even still a thing?) my first year in law school, something I rarely did, and I recognized myself in a very sweet, non-creepy posting that could only have been written by the shy boy in my legal writing class. He would have been mortified if I called him out on it, but I was so flattered I started finding reasons to strike up conversations with him. I didn’t tell him about the Missed Connection until we’d dating for a year; it’s now been 15, married for 11, two kids.
Anonymous
This needs to be a hallmark movie, so cute <3
Ainsley
Feeling kind of blue and excuse me for using this as my personal diary but just needed to write it down. My relationship with my parents feels weird, like they’re upset with me but won’t tell me why, and I feel like I’ve lost my sparkle at work and for life in general. It stinks.
Anon
Sorry you are feeling this way. Things may look better in the daylight. Please take good care of yourself.
Anon
What is more annoying than working on the weekend? Looking forward to the leftovers in the fridge only to find the office staff threw them out. And this is not the first time it’s happened and I’ve told them not to throw away my food before. That is all.
Anon
My mom called me in tears because someone cleaned the fridge (of their own volition, no one wanted this done) and threw out her lunch for that day, which was in Tupperware she’d gotten as a wedding gift. So tired of people thinking they have the right to trash other people’s things.
Anon
I have a new coworker problem. This woman has experience in this role, but is new to our org – she was hired about two weeks ago. Nearly every day we have worked together I’ve had a really unpleasant conflict with her. I’m senior to her but not technically her boss, though I do assign her work.
The first day we worked together, I saw her hesitate when reading an instruction. I asked if she needed a hand, and she replied sarcastically/meanly “Yeah, I’m way too stupid to do this by myself”, handed me the instruction sheet and walked away. I waited until we were alone and asked if I had offended her. She was clearly angry and said “One, don’t assume anything” and also “I know what I’m doing, I have done this for years” or something to that extent. I apologized for making her angry and acknowledged her experience. I probably tend to micromanage, so I took this as a (ridiculously rude) reaction to that. Since, I’ve been pretty hands-off and given her the space to just come to me with questions.
Yesterday, we were both at a computer. I was on the phone, about to discuss what was on the screen when she lunged over and said “let me show you something”. I told her I was on the phone discussing the current screen. I had my hand on the mouse and moved it away as she grabbed for it, and she chastised me, “Oh great, OK, now you’re moving the mouse away”.
Finally, a project came in today. I assessed it and decided to take approach B. She let me know she thought approach A would work. I disagreed. This morning, unscheduled and unprompted, she was using approach A on the project. I honestly thought she would tucker herself out and realize approach A was not going to be successful. Later, I saw she delivered the project using approach A. Such projects need final approval before they are delivered, which she was aware of. She did not check with anyone at all before taking it upon herself to complete and deliver the project using an approach she knew I disagreed with – I had to ask her about it afterward. She told me that I should have been monitoring her more closely and asking her questions if I cared so much about the project. She then turned back to her computer, indicating the conversation was over. I’d had it after that and took a walk to cool down.
We don’t have enough people who have the skills she does, which my boss (our boss) pointed out. I would personally rather work six days a week all season than grin and bear the current situation. I spoke with Boss after work today and said I didn’t know if I could complete another shift with her. He said he would talk with her. I’m at the absolute end of my rope. Is there a way to communicate ground rules with someone like this? Would she have been fired from another workplace already? Her work history is spotty, but she has moved a lot and short stints aren’t in and of themselves a bad sign in our industry. Was I alternately too hands-on and then too hands-off, and I’ve largely brought this upon myself?
Anon
I think you’re way too involved in this given that you don’t manage her. You should do your best to ignore her and not interact with her except when she seeks you out. If she is actively interfering with your own work (which sounds like what was happening in your second anecdote with the screens), then I can see getting the boss involved. But both your first and especially third anecdote sound like you’re involving yourself in her work and I would stop.
FYI It’s not a good idea generally to give a boss “it’s coworker or me” ultimatums. You lose credibility if you don’t follow through on the threat, and you never know what connections a co-worked has with management that may make them difficult or impossible to fire.
OP
Thanks for your response. Unfortunately it’s me and her only on a team, and I am the “team lead”, so to speak. It’s a small organization and we need to work together all day.
Anon
That’s a very strange way to act after only being at a company for 2 weeks. Usually people are on the best behavior at the start. That alone makes the think that the issue is her and not you. Ultimately, if she’s not taking instruction and delivering poor/wrong products to the client, it doesn’t really matter what skills she has. The skills aren’t being used to benefit the company; in fact, it’s a detriment to the company because it’s creating work that just needs to be redone.
Anon
What can I wear under dresses that will pull my belly in, that’s NOT spanx. Something less rigid and possibly even comfortable? Does this exist?
Anonymous
I like Jockey Slipshorts.
Anon
I use an undershirt / cami with some compression but that’s not spanx. I didn’t even buy the specific “compression” or “slimming” style, it may have been Bali brand? I like it and I much prefer camisole styles to shorts styles.