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Updated: Jun 10, 2022 187 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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beige heeled sandal with straps

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

If you're on the hunt for a strappy sandal for summer, I like this one from Naturalizer — the crossing straps in front creates the most flattering but secure strap, and I like the slightly slanted front straps also.

It comes in a TON of colors at Nordstrom, Naturalizer, Amazon, and other spots; you can find the shoe from $62-$145. (They have a fantastic lipstick red suede!)

Psst: Can I just say that in the history of Corporette I don't think I've ever seen a worse “let's show the product” modeling than the imagery for this blazer at Anthro?

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anon

    What on earth do I wear to an evening baby shower where the invite says the dress code is semi-formal?

      • Ellen

        I would only go semi-formal if there were no pets in attendance. I went to a family event this weekend at my uncle’s house where his big dog jumped up on me to lick my face but I fell backwards into a puddle of muck in their backyard. I do not know what was in the muck, hopefully only mud, but I was wearing a nice new dress, and now the dress has a big stain on it right in the back of the tuchus. I had to walk around outside all afternoon with a wet tuchus and everyone asked if I needed a new pair of Depends.

        Since coming home, I have not tried to remove the stain myself, but I will give it to my housekeeper tomorrow to see if she can get it out, or have her bring it to the drycleaner’s. If they can’t it 100% clean, I will give it to her or to Goodwill, since there is no way to hide the tuchus unless I wear a long cardigan. FOOEY on that! This expereince will teach me NOT to ever wear a nice new dress to a weekend family barbeque again.

      • Ellen

        I will never wear a nice dress again to a family event. I got a big stain on a new dress at my uncle’s this weekend when his dog Roger jumped on me and I fell into some muck. The dress may be ruined. I will give it to my housekeeper to see if she can get the stain out. I had a wet tuchus all afternoon thanks to Roger. If the stain is there for good, I will let the housekeeper keep it. FOOEY on that! From now on, it’s strictly jeans and fry boots on the weekend when I go to a barbeque!

        • Bonnie Kate

          +2 at the last baby shower I was at I promised myself I no longer was going to baby showers anymore.

          Perhaps you got an invitation to the same one I’ve been invited to in a few weeks (that I am thankfully legitimately busy and had a very easy rsvp no). It is costing a ridiculous amount of money (spent by the parents) and the mother-to-be has told the father-to-be that she wants it to be an “event no one will ever forget”.

          • Anonymous

            OMG we have come a long way from the days of jell-o salad and silly games in someone’s living room.

        • Anonymous

          I dunno–maybe a semi-formal baby shower might actually just be a fun party instead of the awkward torture that is usually a baby shower? Or is a semi-formal baby shower what bridezillas who have bachelor3tt3 parties in Nashville do when they have babies?

      • MagicUnicorn

        Agree. Unless this event were for my only favorite sister’s long-awaited miracle child, I would definitely have a conflict on that date.

        • Anon

          Baby showed are bad enough and now OP is expected to dress up and waste a whole evening on one? Nope.

        • Anonymous

          Why do 50 people need to put on (probably buy at this point) formal attire and wear uncomfortable shoes to celebrate that your coitu$ took? I really cannot with the attention-seeking and frivolous waste of events like this. I do want to give the baby something fantastic, useful, and loved, but save the passed hors d’oeurves and rented room.

          • Anon

            I don’t know what to say. I enjoy parties. Semi-formal to me just means get dressed up which for me is part of the fun. And to me a real party sounds like a lot more fun than a stereotypical baby shower event to me.

            Though honestly I have happy memories of those too; if both families attend, they’re often the first time I saw somebody’s in-laws since the wedding. And even when that’s not the case, it’s always interesting to me to meet the other people in somebody’s life that I don’t see at other types of events.

            Where I’m from, expecting mothers don’t traditionally host their own showers, I guess partly to avoid the appearance of attention seeking (or gift seeking). So that wouldn’t cross my mind.

          • Anon

            What is wrong with all of you? After two years of everything being cancelled, no parties, no fun, I’d be delighted to have an invitation to anything that’s an excuse for a party.

          • Anon

            Geez – Why is everyone so incredibly anti-social and judgmental? Personally, I enjoy dressing up, seeing people, and celebrating my friends’ and relatives’ special events and transitions. And what’s so bad about a baby shower (the traditional kind)? Chat, give a gift, eat some cookies, maybe even play a silly game. Painful? Not really.

    • PolyD

      I would assume there will be excellent drinks and snacks if I am required to dress semi- formally. I would wear a dress like one would find at Talbots and nice but comfortable shoes, and I would eat and drink my way to enjoying myself.

      I guess the other question is if there are people there you like. I put up with a lot of cooing over diapers and such because back in the day, baby showers were an opportunity to hang out with friends. It’s not like you actually have to take care of the baby or do much more than pretend to pay attention to the gifts.

    • Anon

      I think I’m missing something based on the reactions here. I would be thinking “hurrah a grown up party where I get to dress up!” And I would wear a fun cocktail dress.

    • nutella

      Yep, sounds like a c@* ktail dress, just like you would wear to a wedding that says semi-formal.

  2. Anon

    Reposting from this morning for more eyeballs — thank you to the person who responded!

    Help me find a dress for the “welcome dinner” prior to my wedding? In August, at a cool restaurant in NYC. Doesn’t need to be white, but light colors would be nice. No off the shoulder or one shoulder, and I don’t like skirts that are very full (i.e. no 50s style silhouettes). Bonus points if I can wear it with my Coclico Okapi sandals in the mint green color. I’m about 5’4″ and wear a size 2, give or take.

  3. Anonymous

    Is anyone in a marriage or do you belong to a family or culture, where it happens that the wife does so much for the husband and is so opiniated about how things should be done, that the husband just can’t (or won’t) do simple things anymore? And then the cycle perpetuates because the wife is like OMG it’s just faster for me to make this grilled cheese and set the table, get out of the way; but then the wife ends up huffy along the lines of OMG I’m constantly doing something, once he parks himself at the dinner table, he’s not even going to get up to get a fork. Admittedly the husband IS super inefficient at doing things, but I think that’s in no small part because he’s had a wife mothering him for years and years, so he’s never had to be efficiently doing things.

    This is my inlaws – DH and I are here for a week and are losing our minds with their continuous bickering about how FIL does nothing but then MIL also won’t step back because heaven forbid he make his own sandwich “the wrong way.” Nothing that we can do here, right?

    And looking a few decades down the road with a DH whose seen dad be like this – I should just step back and let him unload the dishwasher, make sandwiches, do laundry etc. right because I have no interest in being his housekeeper?

    • Cat

      yes, this is also so common with parenting that the term ‘mommy martyr’ was coined. Nag at your own risk.

    • Anon

      Definitely nothing you can do and I’ve always thought this was more a personality/individual thing than a culture thing. What does your husband do *now*? That’s going to be a better predictor of decades from now than what his father does.

    • anon

      We convinced my parents to go to marriage counseling for their 30th anniversary. Among other things, it was able to help them with this.

      With DH, the best advice I was given when I started in BigLaw you need to remember just because it isn’t done your way that doesn’t mean it is automatically wrong, and you don’t have time to do it your way. The woman telling me this advice said it in the context of she put two bunches of bananas on her list and DH went to the store. If she went to the store, she would have bought one green and one ripe bunch so there would be bananas for the whole week. Her husband bought two green bunches and she realized that she had to accept that the price of not going to the store was going to be banana bread as all the bananas would be ripe at the same time. For whatever reason, years and years later, this story has stuck with me every time I come home and DH did something that wasn’t how I would do it.

      • Seventh Sister

        My realization was when I wrote “yogurt cups for the kids’ lunches” on a grocery list and had my husband go to the store. I would have purchased those precious $$$ organic ones which are made by pixies in a French forest or something. He bought sugar-filled discount yogurt cups with a TV character on them because he knew she liked that show.

        A decade later, kid is at a healthy weight and has a palate that would be acceptable even to an insufferable food writer like Michael Pollan.

    • Senior Attorney

      Plug your ears and ignore it at the in-laws’.

      And obviously don’t repeat the cycle in your marriage. One of the very best decisions I ever made was that I don’t do the personal laundry of anyone (husband, child over the age of 10 or so) who is capale of doing it for themselves. And of course everybody in the house should know how to cook and clean. For sure when the kids come along, don’t be the gatekeeper.

    • Anonymous

      This is my mother as a wife. She was/is not this kind of a mother in general, but there are areas in which it exists. For example, she will ask people to help make a decision (where to eat, what movie to see) and then receive responses, decide no one considered the right things, and then pronounce her own decision based on the correct criteria. It means I no longer offer ideas and she complains she has to make all the decisions about everything herself. I totally understand why her husband doesn’t help with anything (housework other than specific chores he has always done, decisions, trip planning, etc.) now.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      When this behavior happens in parenting, it’s called maternal gatekeeping. It really sucks and both partners lose out when this dynamic happens, but it seems like it’s a pattern that’s hard to unlearn.

      I also think it stems from the fact that women are more harshly judged for the outcome related to home matters no matter which partner is actually responsible for it. The patriarchy hurts everyone.

      • Anonymous

        +1 million to your last sentence. My husband refuses to understand this. “Let’s just have people over to a messy house! No one cares!” No one will judge YOU, my love, but they will most certainly judge ME.

        • Seventh Sister

          When my family comes over, I really want to say, “my house is messy and X project is not done because my spouse leaves the cabinets open and thinks we have a Toilet Paper Fairy who provides paper products.”

        • Anonymous

          YEP. I mean, my friends won’t judge me, but my in-laws sure as hell will. Look, it’s not my fault you never taught your son to clean correctly, MIL.

          • Seventh Sister

            Yeah, my husband once tried to clean the (cloth, custom, beautiful, $$$) couch with Comet. Powdered Comet. 100% his mother’s fault.

        • startup lawyer

          wow and this is not to negate what yu’re saying but i’m def the husband in this situation haha. i am quick to invite people over and my husband always moans and groans and frantically clean up. I wouldn’t have anyone over who would judge me for having a messy house.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Absolutely. My husband and I are pretty 50/50 on cleaning, but guess who gets the blame when the house isn’t tidy?

    • Anonymous

      My parents are 100% like this. If we’re eating and DH realizes he needs ketchup, DH can get up or eat whatever food it is without ketchup; I don’t particularly care as he’s a grown man. Parents OTOH – mom will get up to get the ketchup and then sometimes again and again in a meal when dad realizes he would like something else, all the while huffy about how she can never sit and enjoy a meal in peace. Thing is dad doesn’t ASK mom to get up, but she notices something there that he would want and gets up; he happily accepts/never stops her/gets up himself before she can because why would he? This is true in every aspect of life not just meal time and mom is completely resentful.

      Yet when you say to her – don’t do it, let him deal with it – oh nooo I want dad to eat well and be healthy; granted he’s aged and has some issues but come on if you’ve done 100% of the cooking and clean up and gotten the meal on the table, the least he can do is arrange it on his plate with condiments of his choice. There’s no winning with them so I say nothing.

    • No Face

      The martyr personality is so annoying! Nothing you can do about it laws, but the best thing for your marriage is to let each other handle things without the other’s input.

    • Anonymous

      If the couple has been married for 2 years, the cycle can be broken if the wife wants. If she stops making his grilled cheese or getting up to get his fork, he will learn that he has to do it himself or go without; and she needs to look away a bit – like if he makes his grilled cheese “wrong,” oh well he’s the one eating it, he’ll figure out how to do it not burn it or whatever next time. If the couple has been married for 30-40 years, it’s set at this point. At that point the husband may not just be acting clueless like he did as a newlywed when he realized he preferred the wife cooking/cleaning for him, now he really likely is clueless after 3-4 decades of never having made a sandwich or touched the washing machine or whatever. Even still a wife could step back because he knows how sandwiches work but at that age most wives won’t step back.

    • Anon

      If you must visit your in-laws, don’t stay with them for a whole freaking week.

      • DC

        Seconding. Since you can’t control their relationship dynamic, what you can control is your exposure to it. Stay at a hotel next time and/or make it a shorter trip.

    • Anon

      Yep, this is my in-laws. My FIL falls in the big oaf camp, and would likely botch house things, but MIL is constantly hovering and going and says the “it’s just easier” line. My husband is not even remotely like this and will not in a million years end up like either one of them…because he’s very intelligent and aware and every time we go to visit, I always come away wondering how two very nice, but never-left-their-small-rural-town-nor-wanted-to people produced my running-international-programs-you-hear-about-on-the-news husband as their offspring.

    • Peloton

      Yes. My husband is from a family like this. I saw it happening, and I decided I would never do something for him that he could equally do just because I could do it “faster” or “right.” Us being partners is more important to me than my mixing bowls being properly nested when he puts them away, or whatever.

      To your question about stepping back and letting your husband do things: I wouldn’t go so far as to just fully step back. I *do* do things for my husband all the time where I don’t mind the task and he does, and he does the same for me–we just don’t do the martyr or perfection thing. For example, I cannot tell you the last time I did the dishes or the last time he cleaned a bathroom. It is really important to identify the “why am I doing this for hims” in your mind. If it’s “I don’t mind, and I know he hates it, and I feel like taking this off his plate” wonderful, handle it. If it’s “he never folds the laundry right so I might as well just do it myself,” that’s a conversation, not a continuation. Also, I’m guessing this is obvious, but there are times where we *do* do things we hate to do for the other, like when one of us is sick or pregnant, but that’s driven by adult affection, not parenting or perfection. Lastly, the best advice I ever got was “if you aren’t doing the task, you cannot comment on the quality of the work being done more than once.” Does it annoy me when the nice knives go into the dishwasher? Yes, of course. Is that worth criticizing my spouse over repeatedly? No, we can sharpen them or buy new ones.

      Long term, the dynamic you’re describing breeds resentment on both sides — the husband ends up resenting the wife’s infantilization, and the wife ends up resenting parenting an adult man. The wife tends to be more vocal about the resentment, but it 10000% is there on both sides.

    • Peloton

      Oh, sorry! One more thing. My parents have a little bit of this dynamic, although in a much less resentful way than you’re describing. When they went through a health scare a couple years ago, she told my dad “either of us could die or become disabled at any time, and if I go first, you’re in trouble.” She has been putting him through “how to cook and clean for yourself” bootcamp ever since, and he has embraced the lessons. It is very sweet! He called me the first time he made himself ramen. “This is so easy!” And then he did the same the first time he cooked real food — “this is so hard!” But now he cooks for them at least once a week.

      So…maybe the solution is just to point out that your MIL could die and your FIL is totally up a creek if that happens, haha.

      • Minnie Beebe

        If he’s anything like *my* FIL, he’ll probably just remarry quickly. (FIL was in a new relationship mere weeks after my MIL’s death. Remarried after 1 year. It would’ve been sooner but was shamed into waiting until the one-year mark…)

  4. Anon

    To the people who constantly respond to life-advice questions with name-calling and baseless assumptions about the person’s character over minute details, what do you get out of it? Especially when it’s mean, pointed, and spoken as though you are have direct authority and know everything about this internet stranger’s life and personality? So weird to me – it seems like maybe you have a lot of aggression and hate that you let our under the guise of knowing everything and dispensing “advice.” Hope you are much nicer in real life than you are here, since it’s toxic and cruel.

      • Anon

        I see this harshness in my own community. They were the nasty women at my church (quit the church). It was my hairdresser (left that salon). Now it is the cashiers at my supermarket (avoid the ones who are short, 5’2″ and under).

        • Anon

          Very interesting! In what ways does it manifest? I feel like I don’t know anyone who’d say the types of things women on here say but I’d love to know what it’s like in real life…

    • Anonymous

      I think a lot of the time when I see critique of people being cruel, I strongly disagree. I think not everyone is interested in taking the time to type out a loving support sandwich of feedback but generally commenters mean well.

      • Anon

        There are soooo many comments though that are like, “Your use of commas in this comment indicates to me that you are in fact controlling and abusive. Get therapy” or “I would have different expectations around this situation, therefore you are crazy and difficult and will probably ruin every relationship you’re ever in and your children will never speak to you again.” Even the smallest of comments can attract crazy levels of vitriol. Just thinking about the bikini top woman, the mom of two daughters (one of whom had weight issues), and most people who ask about their romantic relationships…

        • Anon

          Exactly. A lot of times I agree with Anonymous @ 2:43’s take, but there are some comments that just send people completely off the rails.

    • Monday

      The meanest comments are always anonymous. I maintain that anyone who knows it all and is better than everyone else, should be proud to post under a consistent handle.

    • Anon

      I think sometimes people come here specifically to learn what people say when they’re anonymous. Definitely there are people thinking these things around us even if they’re not saying it (especially in PMC culture which can be pretty passive aggressive and conflict avoidant).

      I’m not sure how to accommodate a helpful kind of straight talk without letting some of the toxic cruelty through. And honestly it’s sometimes even helpful to know what toxic and cruel people may be thinking?

      • Anon

        But I think sometimes it isn’t helpful? Like the woman who wanted to help her daughter eat well was very unlikely to fundamentally traumatize her and lose all contact with her as an adult if she made a single error in handling the situation, and that kind of response added a huge layer of stress to the situation that wasn’t productive or helpful. A girl posted yesterday and got flamed as high maintenance and controlling because she didn’t want to impose on her boyfriend’s parents while they were sleeping. A lot of the trolling comments don’t seem productive or helpful, but are remarkably mean and character-attacking.

        • Seventh Sister

          A couple years back, I posted something anon about a semi-tricky family issue and the responses were so mean and judgy that I was like, “welp, I’m not coming around here for advice again.” In retrospect, I should have clarified some of the details, but I felt like I got accused of having a personality disorder for thinking about sending a present to a not-very-distant relative.

          • Seventh Sister

            I get it, it’s the Internet and sometimes details get left out, but assuming the worst of everyone in family matters isn’t the way I want to live.

          • Anon

            Yes!! I posted yesterday and was so hurt by the accusations thrown at me and the assumptions made about my character. I know the people don’t know me, but it still really took a toll. I’m definitely not going to post for advice again in the future

          • Seafinch

            Yes! I would consider myself a really boring, infrequent poster with a very average life. Not wealthy, no high powered career etc. I have responded to two requests for advice about general fitness, wellness type questions (a topic I am invested in) and had two incredibly aggressive Anons come at me. I was floored.

          • Curious

            Yeah, someone told me my very sweet husband was controlling and implied he was abusive. This because he dilly dallied with his proposal and allowed a nice trip of ours to be a decoy. I was like, guess I’m never talking about him here again!

        • Anon

          The advice itself is not helpful and can be upsetting!

          I guess I try to think: Well, this is one way that people (perhaps people who are mean, and whose buttons have been pushed) may react or see things differently from how I see them.

          Ultimately mean people have given me more to worry about in life than nice people, though it’s great to get to a place where it matters less what they think!

      • Anon

        There are people here who either: A. must be nice, sweet and helpful IRL and feel pressured by having to do that, or feel like that’s not an accurate representation of their real self, and so they come here where they can be as mean as they want to be and vent their feelings
        or B. Are mean, nasty and awful in all areas of their life, not just here, and what we see from them is what others see from them. I believe most of those people are not actually high-achieving or successful; they’re here because they were kicked off of R3ddit or other spaces where they got banned for doing the things they do here.

        There is a way to facilitate “straight talk” without allowing the bullies and sh!tposters (like the person who has to be the first to answer any comment with some tossed-off, rude answer that usually indicates they didn’t even fully read the entire post they’re responding to), which is to either create a real bulletin board, where people would have to login and post under a consistent handle, or adopt a commenting platform that wouldn’t require people to register, but where people could upvote/downvote, block or mute users. Many sites have one system or the other. Kat hasn’t done it because I think she realizes that traffic driven to the site is largely because of the anonymous discussions here, and she doesn’t want to lose or diminish her primary source of income. Which is fine.

        I don’t know if this is helpful, but when I’ve posted here for advice I just decide in advance that of course there are going to be some rude, unhelpful, or nonsensical responses from people who have no idea what they’re talking about and are just responding to serve themselves. I ignore those, and focus on the answers that do give me good advice and have good points that I maybe hadn’t considered. The trolls get something out of attacking people for asking a question that I don’t have to add to or reinforce by responding to them. I think it’s a huge thrill for those folks when they get called out for their behavior – it’s probably the most attention they get from anyone or anything in their lives – and they’re not going to change. So anyone who posts about a relationship problem needs to expect that they’re going to hear “you should just dump that person” (or that they’re a terrible partner), and anyone posting about a problem with a kid needs to expect to hear “you’re a terrible parent.” Anyone posting about a work question needs to expect to hear they’ll be told to quit (which, of course, is not feasible every time someone has a minor work-related issue). Everyone posting about anything should expect to be told they need therapy, lol. Just because some anonymous rando on the internet says it doesn’t make it true. I look at it as: if I met the people posting those comments IRL I would probably not want to trade lives with them for a mint of money; even if they are outwardly successful, they’re likely miserable people with sad lives and a lot of insecurity and unhappiness. If that wasn’t true, they wouldn’t be acting the way they do.

        Posting here for advice is very much “take what helps you and leave the rest.” And I will say I have gotten really good advice and heard some things that I needed to hear (even if I didn’t want to hear them) when I’ve posted here. Alongside the bitter, angry nonsense. I wouldn’t be where I am in my career without the advice I’ve gotten from this board. But it wasn’t the advice from the mean little trolls who are here to try to ruin everyone’s day; it’s from the good advice that people who have really been in similar situations have given me. That’s why I keep coming back here.

    • Peloton

      When we comment online, I think because we are hearing the original comment in our own internal, mental voice, we respond to the call of the question like we would to our own thoughts. In other words, I think you’re seeing people speaking as harshly to others as they do to themselves, and that is a sort of internal ugliness the rest of us usually do not get to see in each other.

  5. Insulin Resistance

    I was just diagnosed with Insulin Resistance. I am starting to research, and meet with my doctor next week. Anyone else have any experience with this?

    • Anon

      Yes. I was given bad advice initially (years ago) to eat frequent small meals throughout the day to help stabilize blood glucose.

      The advice I receive currently is to let insulin levels falls between meals to improve insulin sensitivity, and change what I eat to keep blood glucose stable. This has gone a lot better for me than the other way!

      In general, it can help to meet with a dietician if diet changes are going to be part of the plan.

    • Anon

      I don’t have IR based on recent testing, but I do have PCOS (which frequently includes some level IR). Look into taking inositol, ideally a supplement that includes a 40:1 ratio of myo to d-chiro inositol. I take Wholesome Story. Inositol has been well-studied and has proven to be as effective, if not more effective, than drugs like Metformin but without the side effects. Another tip is to adjust the order in which you eat your meals – start with the veggie or a small salad. This helps reduce any insulin spikes. Both of these tips have been validated from my own research and directly from my doctor. Hope that helps!

      • Anonymous

        I have not been diagnosed with IR or PCOS, but have had good results with the Wholesome Story inositol.

    • Anonymous

      It’s the sort of thing where you are likely to recommended a low sugar diet. Not necessarily keto, but low in simple carbs. If you are not given any dietary advice from your doctor, or they don’t mention metabolic syndrome at all, it’s a good idea to do some research on your own.

    • Peloton

      I have GD and have had some insulin sensitivity issues previously. A few tips:

      –Ask about myo-inisitol. Most commonly recommended brand seems to be Ovasitol.
      –There’s an Instagram called the Glucose Goddess that you may also find helpful.
      –Eat your fat or protein before your carb. (Fine to eat the veggie first, as another commenter posts, because that’s probably pretty low carb, but in general, prime the stomach with the fat/protein).
      –Walk for 15-20 minutes every time you eat, ideally as soon as you finish.
      –Consider adding probiotics if you’re also dealing with GI issues. I’ve had good results from VSL#3, but it is very expensive and I’d only go that far if you are actually dealing with serious GI issues. But overall, other folks in the IR community have reported that probiotics helped with some of the more minor gas/cravings/etc. issues they were dealing with as part of the transition to a more real-foods-based diet.

    • kpanon

      May be posting this too late for you to see it but I highly recommend Jason Fung’s The Obesity Code or the Diabetes Code . You can also Google his videos on insulin resistance.

  6. Aunt Jamesina

    I had the Steve Madden version of these shoes ca. 1998 in lavender satin to go with my homecoming dress.

  7. Deedee

    I’m attending a friend’s PhD grad party hosted by her family. I already sent her a bottle of champagne when she defended. What should I bring as a gift? Is there any type of cash/cash equivalent that wouldn’t be weird? I know she and her husband (both PhD candidates until this summer) could use the money so am always looking for ways to pass them $. But if the answer is more champagne, that’s okay too!

    If it helps, we’re super close. Don’t want to burden her with too much more stuff as she prepares to move across states soon.

    • Anonymous

      These are all stuff, but fun. All seen in the office during the Before Times:

      A mug emblazoned with “Ph.D. Taking your B.S. to new heights.”
      A custom Yeti tumbler engraved with “Firstname Lastname, Ph.D.”
      A book with the pages folded to spell out “Ph.D.” I think this last one came from Etsy. It looks really cool.

    • Anon

      Definitely don’t get her random crap with “Ph.D” written on it. What about a nice restaurant gift card at a place in her new town?

    • anon

      Restaurant gift card? Either to a favorite local place so she can go as a last night out, or to a restaurant in their new city/town.

    • test me

      For me, personally, just cash would be a little weird, but I would definitely appreciate a cash equivalent like a gift card to a restaurant or wine store.

    • anon

      Professional earrings. Doesn’t need to be wildly expensive but something that will hold up. They always have a little extra good juju when you need to wear them to do the thing.

    • Anonymous

      As a recent PhD, PhD students are so underpaid – a gift card or cash would be the best imo.

    • Anon

      I’d do a gift card to Target (practical), a restaurant in her new city (fun/useful), or a jewelry store like Baleen or Catbird so she can treat herself (fun). If she’s about to move, I wouldn’t buy an object and definitely not PhD themed trinket.

    • Dr. The Original ...

      Ooooh, just did this! I am a minimalist so there’s that… If you know them well, please take time to write something lovely in a card. I will cherish the cards forever and it really meant a lot to hear each person talk about knowing what I sacrificed, how hard I worked, and that I earned it. I also enjoyed hearing them talk about how they loved me before, during, and after my PhD since there’s so much pressure on what comes next that I needed to not feel that from them.

      Lots of people give PhD worded stuff but maybe something specific to their interests? For example, I got a really fancy pen, in my favorite colors, to take with me to book signings. (Super specific and absolutely beloved.) I also got some office or conference appropriate jewelry, nothing expensive but meaningful as something to help professionally and remind me of being loved. I got some money from a few people and will be using it for things like turning my CV into a resume so I can also apply for non-academic jobs and for some travel so I can take a much needed break.

      I think so often big moments are only honored if it’s about a wedding or a baby and it can be hard to feel like a career milestone or academic one is important enough for society. Anything you do that lets them be seen and loved on and celebrated will create incredible memories for them.

      Also, thank you for caring so much; as an unmarried, childfree person, my PhD graduation was the first real celebration of myself that I’d ever been given and I genuinely wish for those moments for every graduate! <3

      PS The cheers here and the request to update my handle here were also incredibly meaningful to me, as I'm one of the originals here and have long cheers'd your new relationships, engagements, weddings, pregnancies, etc. etc. Getting a turn was really special. <3

      • Anonanonanon

        This is all great advice and a good reminder to celebrate our loved ones’ professional milestones!

  8. Anon

    Are two-carat diamond earrings weird to wear on a daily basis? I have a ring that cost around $10k (gift from my parents) and I feel like no one notices. But yesterday I wore 2-carat-ish diamond earrings and my friend was like… “Are those real? You’re just wearing gigantic diamond earrings? I’m so surprised…”

    I feel like I have no sense of jewelry so wouldn’t know what an appropriate size is, or really have any sense of what jewels cost. She comes from pretty extreme wealth so I feel like is probably more aware of these types of things. Would you notice the size of someone’s earrings / think of it as noticeable or off if they’re diamonds?

    • Anonymous

      2 carats for the pair or 2 carats each?

      Do you have delicate features or small ears?

    • Anonymous

      A lot depends how big you are. I’m 5’10 and a size 10. My 2 carat engagement ring looks sort of large but normal on me. My friend who is a 5’2” size 4 put my ring on and she looked like a mob wife!

      My earrings are 1.5 carats and look normal.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, I am a Kibbe “gamine” and would look like I was playing princess dress-up in 2-carat diamond earrings, whether it was 2 carats total or 2 carats each.

    • Bonnie Kate

      If I noticed (which I probably wouldn’t), and then if I sat and thought about them (which I probably wouldn’t),
      I would probably assume they’re fake. But I also would not care and wouldn’t judge you for them, particularly if the rest of the outfit is put together well.

      Rings are kind of different – they’re harder to lose, and everyone is used to seeing women wear rings that cost money.

    • Anon

      So I just bought myself diamond earrings for a career milestone. I’m 5’4″ and a size 2, with ears that are neither small nor large. I tried on 1 CTW, 1.5 CTW, and 2 CTW and the 2 CTW ones looked… enormous. I went with the 1 CTW, which look substantial but not too much. If I was any more petite, I would have sized down further. My engagement ring is 1.25 ct and I think the size is perfect for me.

    • anon

      I mean… I wear my 2ct each earrings every day and I’m a short size 2, but ultimately I love them and who freaking cares what other people think about what I wear? It is 2022, can’t we just enjoy things? And btw, Nstrom has very good looking 4cttw dupes, I think most people assume mine are fake anyway.

      • Anon

        Thank you for these comments! I think my concern was her response made me think my earrings would make everyone go “you’d either have to be a billionaire to afford such momentous jewels OR you are wearing super-fake looking gigantic fake diamonds and embarrassing yourself.” Whereas I thought stud earrings were stud earrings – no implications whatsoever. It sounds like it would be the same as gold hoops by the response here? If they’re fake no big deal, if they’re real, it’s a reasonable size?

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Obviously this depends enormously on your social circle, but two two carat diamonds would be pretty pricey for the vast majority of people out there. I imagine even lower quality ones would be over $10k (and well on up) for a pair, which is definitely more than most people would ever spend on earrings. I imagine a decent number of people spend that much on an engagement ring, which is often the most expensive piece of jewelry many people ever own by a few orders of magnitude.

          Unless I knew you were wealthy, I would probably assume they were fake if I were thinking about them at all.

          • Anon

            Huh? 2 Carat Diamond earrings at over $10K? A Google search is showing diamond studs 2 carats each for $625 – $1500.

          • Anon

            You’re getting some lab grown in there. No what are you getting mined diamonds for those prices.

    • A

      I wear a 2ct ring and one carat studs in each year. That’s 2ct total weight for the studs. They’re fine for me. I don’t know that I’d do 2ct per ear because that’s a shitload of $$$ for me. But you do you.
      If I were a big law partner or whatever, I’d totally do it.

  9. Anonymous

    Give a teenager a pair of jeans, and you clothe her for a day.

    Teach a teenager with no driver’s license how to use her very own debit card, and you end up with an inbox full of “Your order is ready for in-store pickup” e-mails and a string of text messages “Can you pleeeeeease pick this up for me before the dance tonight?”

  10. Anon

    One of our lovely neighbors died last night. Husband was only 58 and apparently had a heart attack. He was always so kind to our family. We of course told his wife to let us know if there was anything we could do. Any suggestions for something we could do proactively? They have grown kids but they aren’t within an hour. I’m very sad to have lost him.

    • Anonymous Grouch

      Yard work if they don’t already have a service doing it. Tell her you’ll take care of her yard this summer. When my DH, who handled that stuff, was suddenly out of commission for a few months it was something that I urgently needed help with. Luckily our neighbors own a landscaping company, and after I asked to pay their crew to do it they just did it for free whenever the crew was at their house. It’s something that seems minor but if you dawdle on getting an arrangement in place the grass will be a foot high before you know it.

      • Sunshine

        This. If he took care of the yard, handle it for them this year. My FIL handles their yard and when he was in chemo, it took my MIL a lot of time to find someone to do it regularly (they don’t live in a city where they could easily hire a service).

    • Anonymous Grouch

      One more thought. If this is the sort of community where there will be a gathering at the home, offer to help with that – cleaning before/after, cooking, coordinating with caterer, whatever. Since you’ll be near your own kitchen and cleaning stuff it will be easy for you to pitch in.

      • KHam

        Won’t you please? Won’t you please? Please won’t you be my neighbor!

        I don’t want my DH to die suddenly but you seem kind and I would like you!

    • AnonQ

      Attend the viewing/wake if there is one. My neighbors always show up for these, and it means a lot to the families.

      Write a sympathy card with a couple of your favorite memories of your neighbor being kind or doing something neighborly. His wife/kids will cherish this, trust me. If you have kids, write one from them/have them do it if old enough.

      If there are little practical things you can do to ease the wife’s burden, do them. Eg, water flowers, take trash cans to/from curb, walk dog, etc.

      Food is always nice at times like these.

    • Anonymous

      If she has a good support system, this might be a case when what you can do after the funeral will be as or more important than what you can do right now. That’s when the flood of support slows down. She might welcome an invitation to join your family for an ordinary evening meal (whatever you’re having), or a drink after dinner.

      After my mom’s death, I really appreciated the person who brought over a big supply of disposable plates, cups, napkins, and utensils. We simply didn’t have the energy to deal with dish-washing for all the meals and guests. A platter of cut-up vegetables and fruit can also be nice, to balance out all the heavier foods.

      Also, if you don’t know the grown kids already, see if you can go over and meet them while they’re next door, let them know who you are, and give them your contact info. It would make me feel really good knowing my newly widowed mom had a lovely, kind neighbor next door.

      • KS IT Chick

        I would add cheap serving utensils. When each of my grandparents died, we didn’t have nearly enough serving spoons and pie servers to deal with everything.

    • Anon

      I’d say affirmatively that you’ll do some tangible things like bringing a meal over each week on the night before trash/recycling needs to go out and when you drop it by, offer to take out the bins and empty the dishwasher. And give your number to the grown kids so if they haven’t heard from mom, there is someone they can call to drop by and check on her. That would mean a lot.

    • Marie

      Another practical offer that might be appreciated (in addition to whatever gesture you decide to take to express your condolences) would also be if you have the space, to let her know that if she needs extra storage for all the casseroles and food that people are going to bring, you will make some room in your fridge/freezer for her to keep things. The amount of food that can show up all at once during a time like this can be overwhelming and sorting through it and storing it takes mental energy she doesn’t have.

    • Peloton

      Do they have pets? Offer to be on pet duty for the next week — walking the dog, cleaning the litter box, whatever. Otherwise, bring food. Text “I’m going to Costco — what can I pick up for you?” If you’re close, think about what he did around the house, and offer to help with that specifically.

      Get the kids’ phone numbers and offer yourself to them as a “I can help your mom since I’m physically here. She might not ask me, but you should.” The kids will probably take advantage of that, especially early on.

      And honestly, just keep showing up. One of the hardest parts of grief is the moment when the helpers stop coming, when everyone else moves on. So, just keep being there for her casually, in small ways.

  11. Anonymous

    Revlon PSA: if you are a Revlon fan, stock up on your favorite products. They are about to go into bankruptcy.

      • Anon

        Also, I’m sure they’ll come out of it and just restructure their debts – like the airlines do every other year. I mean, they’re a massive corporation. Right???

  12. Anon

    Tell me if I’m just being uptight. I’ve been last-minute invited to the wedding ceremony only for the daughter of a family friend. The ceremony is just a couple of weeks away. It’s clear that the invitation does not include the reception because it says ceremony only. How would you feel about this? Would you go? Is it a gift grab?

    • Coach Laura

      I don’t think you’re uptight. First, if you don’t want to go, don’t go. No need to explain, make excuses or send a gift. If you hadn’t planned on sending a gift even without an invite, no need to send one now.

      Second, while I think it is a bit rude to invite someone to the ceremony only, it has been done for centuries. Since most weddings were in the local parish church, anyone in the village could come as no one could be barred from a church. But they weren’t expected to give gifts.

      Third, perhaps they are really short on money for the reception but thought you might want to share in the joy of the ceremony.

      But, yes, I think it is rude and a bit of a gift grab to invite someone to the ceremony only. As a bride/parent, I’d never do it unless, for example, it was the little old ladies at church who like weddings. The fact that you aren’t really close to the family or the bride makes it easy, just say no. Unless you recently saw the family/family friend, talked about the wedding and expressed delight in the wedding: Then maybe they thought you’d be interested, even if you don’t rate high enough for an invitation to the wedding.

      • Anon

        Thanks. I know the MOTB pretty well (I am between the ages of MOTB and bride) and I’ve been listening to her talk about the engagement party and showers etc and haven’t been invited to any. I didn’t expect at this point to be invited to anything and I was absolutely fine with that.

        I wasn’t insulted until I got the invitation that says CEREMONY ONLY for a date that’s two weeks away. I’m clearly on some sort of list lower than the B list, and I guess I’d have felt better not to be on any list at all vs this!

        So… for anyone still reading, maybe it’s better not to send those out at all.

        • Anon

          I wouldn’t even give a gift. I would hate to feel like I need to get dressed up, do my hair and makeup and travel for only a 30 minute ceremony and give up a good chunk of my day.

    • Anon

      I thought you were only obligated to give a gift if you were invited to the reception, but that’s just me.

      • Katrinka

        +1. I would go as a show of support but not feel obligated to give a gift. They’re incurring no cost to “host” you at the ceremony.

    • Anonymous

      Coming in late, but I sincerely wonder if MOTB lobbied for an invitation for you and all the couple could really accommodate is a ceremony only invitation. It feels like perhaps she really wants to include you and be able to share the moment latter. No gift required.

  13. LifeAdvice

    I made partner in BigLaw two years ago and have 2 kids under 5. I’m thinking of leaving BigLaw because I’m so tired of being tired and I’m not particularly in love with my job – it’s unpredictable hours, it’s challenging intellectually but hardly making the world better, and I’m tired of 12 years of thinking…next year will be easier/better. I’m doing great at my firm and in a specialty where they need me because I’m the only young partner who has that area. I’m thinking of moving to a state job where I would do work in the same specialty but for a fraction of the pay…and also a fraction of the stress and 8 weeks off (both between holidays and cyclically slow period). I think I work really enjoy the job – it will be intellectually interesting but not as “omg the world rises or falls on this case” all consuming. I think my family will be a lot happier, though we will have to learn to live on a lot less. It will definitely be seen in my industry as a step down and head scratcher, though, and that does worry me for my long term job prospects if I decide in a few years that I want to move. So I guess my questions are – people who have made a similar move, what was it like and what do you wish you had known? And…am I crazy to leave a relatively new partnership position if I’m not being pushed out? For what it is worth my husband (who does not make much) wants me to make the jump because, well, family time, and I’m grateful for that.

    • Peloton

      Do it. It sounds like the only thing you’re really worried about here is what other people in your current city will think of you. But to paraphrase Rupaul—unless they paying your bills, pay those [other lawyers] no mind. Do it.

    • Anonanonanon

      I’m in a similar boat and am worried about how it will be perceived. But just reading what you wrote makes me realize… this is your one life and you have every right to enjoy it. If you can handle the paycut, I say go for it. But I’m struggling similarly (2 years into Big Law partnership, one young kid, not being forced out but not sure where to go from here and not enjoying it, considering a lower paying but interesting job although a head scratcher to anyone in my firm probably).

    • startup lawyer

      I think there are definitely people who make partner and leave pretty quickly. Having biglaw partner on your resume is still a plus. Many go in house to a big title. There are also folks who come back to biglaw partnerships from in house and regulatory/govt agencies depending on specialty and I would imagine having been a partner would make you a more attractive candidate in that regard if you want to return. I actually think that might be better for career than like taking a step back to go counsel for example. taking a different track can be framed as just trying something new since you’ve been at a firm your entire career versus going counsel feels harder to justify and will be seen as like a failure of some sort since you’re not doing anything new.

    • Anonymous

      I’d leave. OR if you think you and the firm could handle you asking – like, if you’re ready to go – consider asking for a lower billable par for a year, or paring down the clients or types of work you’ll do, building up internal referrals and goodwill within the firm. You may be able to find people who know their clients are always hiring for in house work or even gov’t contacts they work with or against. You are often highly valued out of the firm because the firm will assume you’ll refer work in. But I do hate this period of life for women partners and wonder if firms say they want to keep women – see recent ABA report – maybe it is worth a shot to say, I want to change how it works here and we can do a 1-2 year trial period. But. Be prepared for the worst, which is people thinking you “can’t cut it” and that “this is why women shouldn’t be partners” and all this BS.

      I am aware of several biglaw firms that have cut deals with women but they often lose the partner title. And unless you control the client/Billings – you’re probably viewed as expendable and it’ll be hard to ramp back up later. I’m a “what is the worst case scenario person” but take this with a lot of salt as your situation is of course unique.

    • Cat

      Why is State Job the only other option? In house is between government and firms on the pay scale, and although there are sometimes long days and fire drills, it’s by no means the all consuming “glued to my phone after hours” firm life.

    • Katrinka

      Sounds like you have good reasons for wanting the other job! I was hesitant at first because I think lots of lower-paying law jobs can still be verrrrrry stressful and long hours (see, e.g., DOJ litigator). But it sounds like you are quite confident this alternate role would be less work, but still interesting. And if it’s a state job, and you ever want to go back into private practice, as you know law firms and clients love partners with experience in the government. Money isn’t everything.

    • Anonymous

      Are you at all entrepreneurial? If so, it soinds like you could take the govt job for, say, 5 years, until family life is a bit different, and then go put on your own or to a smaller firm where you could capitalize on the combination of experience to start a niche practice over which you have a lot of control. If that ia a viable option in your area, it seems like a great option.

  14. roxie

    I need a will, right?

    Childfree, partnered but not married (by choice), various kinds of life/disability/etc insurance through my job, significant (to me, ha) savings but don’t own a home. No debt. I’ve never focused on this but it feels important suddenly. Can I just use an online system? Any recommendations?

    • Anon

      See an estate lawyer. They have a flat fee for these things that surprised me by being less expensive than I thought.

      It will be easier for your decedents, whether that’s your parents or siblings or niblings, if you put everything into a trust and are specific about shares.

      • Anon

        Yeah it was only $800 for us. This is not a place I’d try to cut corners to save a few hundred bucks. You need it done right.

    • Anon

      Seconding Anon 3:30’s advice. Stay away from online services – they’re deceptively bad. You need an attorney.

      My office does estate planning among other things and I have nightmares about the horrendous DIY online wills, deeds, etc. we’ve seen. You’ll save a few bucks now, but your family will have to pick up the cost to fix it when dealing with your estate. Depending on how bad the DIY docs are, it can end up being much more costly to fix than it would’ve to do it right and it usually causes a lot of additional stress for the family :(

      • roxie

        oh wow, thank you both – I definitely have not heard that so this is super helpful!!

  15. Anom

    Has anyone purchased Betabrand pants? The website styling is not my cup of tea, but I’m narrow-hipped, short-legged, petite at the smallest end of size ranges and find myself sized out of many clothing lines. Wondered about any real experiences with the clothing? Does the fabric look/feel cheap and synthetic? Are the cuts weird?

  16. Anonymous

    Paging Kat – I laughed out loud at the blazer picture from Anthro that you linked. Thanks for sharing!

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