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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Summer is just about here, so it’s another chance for me to try to figure out how to wear linen without looking like a hot mess. In my experience, a well-tailored, structured linen blazer is going to show fewer wrinkles than a dress or pants, but if your goal is to still look perfectly pressed at the end of the day, you’re going to be disappointed!
This pink blazer from Rag & Bone is one of my favorites that I’ve seen so far this season. The color is beautiful and the shape is structured, but the fabric gives it a lighter, summery feel. If pink isn’t your thing, it also comes in white.
The blazer is $550 and comes in sizes 00–16.
Ann Taylor has a more affordable alternative in regular and petite sizes for $189; Open Edit offers a plus-size option in 1X–3X.
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- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
Anonymous
Content – weight loss and body shape
So I had a baby 11 months ago, and after a pretty difficult recovery I finally feel ready to do something . I’m at my heaviest (over 200 pounds ) and still have a very pronounced belly – I look 4 months pregnant. Two big questions : is there anything I can do to target the belly? Everything I look up looks like an ad. I’m hopeful that losing weight in general will help but my core really feels weak overall so specific exercises that would help would be great. Second : any tips on dressing now ? I’m only going to the office once or twice a week but it’s agonizing each time cuz nothing fits and I don’t know how to hide the belly – I’m worried people will think I’m pregnant again . Dresses seem to be totally out of the question and the blazers I have bought to fit seem huge everywhere else. Also could use some basics shirts – everything seems so thin that I am seeing. My b 00 bs are huge still so it’s also impacting my shape – I would also take recs for a good place to get sized (I did not have luck at Nordstrom’s. They put me in these very thin bras that made them stick so far out and up , which maybe is correct ? But it was comical and not how I want to navigate through the workplace. Hoping losing weight will help there too . Thanks so much all
Anon
Your answer is overall weight loss. Make sure you are eating healthy and not late at night. Do a variety of exercises, including lifting weights, cardio, HIIT, and Pilates. Pilates will strengthen your core. Try FitnessBlender for the last two.
People think that post-pregnancy is about weight loss. In many ways, it is actually about bringing your body composition back to where it was pre-pregnancy, because muscle is so important to your metabolism.
anon
First, be kind to yourself – you just had a baby less than a year ago.
Second, no there aren’t “spot reducing” exercises. But overall weight loss will shrink everything. Additionally, I’d confirm you don’t have diastasis recti – there are specific exercises to remedy that, and beyond that, strengthening your core has so many benefits all around (back support, better performance in other exercises, etc) it’s worth putting extra effort in there even if it won’t shrink your stomach.
I would try a different Nordstrom fitter. Otherwise, I’m always a big fan of ordering like 20 different bras from Nordstrom to see what you like and go from there and returning the ones you don’t like.
Anon
Agree on getting evaluated for diastolic recti-there are specific exercises that can help correct it and strengthen your core safely. Some traditional core exercises like crunches and planks can make it worse.
Anonymous
As you’re looking for clothes, I’d google “how to dress an apple shape.” That’s the body shape term usually used to describe someone who carries more weight in their stomach/waist/chest.
Then find examples of the types of clothing cuts you’re looking for by scanning through the blouses here: https://www.macys.com/shop/featured/alfani%20blouse
These exact blouses may/may not match your taste. I’m using them for examples because a) most of them are work appropriate and b) there’s a huge range of silhouettes. You can scan the pictures to find examples of the kinds of cuts the apple-shape guidelines say would be good for dressing to de-emphasize what you want to de-emphasize. Then, when you’ve seen examples of what tops/blouses with those kinds of cuts/shapes look like, you’ll be better able to spot them when you’re shopping at other stores or sites.
Good luck! I’m a huge fan of having clothes that you like and that fit well, no matter what size you are. Personally, wearing clothes I feel bad in has never motivated me to lose weight so I can buy other clothes; it just makes me feel bad, and feeling bad makes me feel hopeless, and feeling hopeless keeps me stuck where I am.
Notagirl
Specifically for dressing now, some advice as a lifelong hourglass fr the front, apple from the side:
– blazers or other toppers worn open, that fit well in the shoulders/bust, over a column of colour underneath
– wrap or faux- wrap dresses and tops/dresses with diagonal drape or ruching minimises the belly (and will likely still fit well after it shrinks
– either column of colour or add a third piece
Anonymous
Overall weight loss, and maxi (or perhaps something a bit more structured if needed) dresses + a top for work. Def not pants if they can be avoided.
I had 3 kids and finally lost the Manley of the baby weight when my youngest was 3 using weight watchers. I lost about 40lbs.
Anonymous
Re bras: to be honest that sounds like they actually were fitting you correctly. I am large chested and a well designed bra depends on the interplay of the band, proper sized cup, under wire, and adjusted straps. Many of mine would be described as thin – literally just lace – but the cup is large to cover and control, and all the other parts are working in tandem.
Shape varies bra to bra, but, to be honest, when there’s a lot going on the tissue has to go somewhere. High, forward facing, and separated has been recommended to me at my fittings and I find the squashing down approach just makes you look wider. High, forward facing, and separates also feels like less pressure on my back and more in control. Did the underwires between your b o o b s sit flat on your sternum? Was there a lot of bounce? Did the cup lie flat or gap?
Maybe try another place. I have never regretted going to an independent stand alone bra store, if your city has one, and buying what they recommend, even if it was pricy, because the price per wear quickly goes to pennies.
Anon
Just a brief comment on the bra fitting, you could try the subreddit ‘a bra that fits’. Lifted and separated might make you feel like your bust is emphasized but that might just be that you have a bigger bust currently than you’re used to. Minimizers are often really unflattering and make the person look larger. I’d go with what fits – that is, no spillage in the cups, band sits firmly against ribcage and does most of the lifting instead of your straps, middle lays flat in between. For larger busts sometimes a strap that comes more over the middle of the breast than the side is often great for shape/support. I personally like the Wacoal Halo Lace for this.
Anonymous
Just in case it’s relevant for OP:
If your boobs are very close together, the “wires laying flat” is largely irrelevant, since there might not be room between the boobs.
Anon
No, you can’t target spots for weight loss.
Anonymous
I’ve liked the styling videos from this UK stylist, here’s one where she demonstrates styling on a UK size 14 (US 18?) and large bust and stomach apple shape:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Uak_fyXUpd8
Curious
I really liked Julie from Our Fit Family Life and her programs for helping to get pelvic floor + inner core function back. It can reduce the appearance of belly, but it also gives you up strength and good posture and just generally feels good. The workouts are short (30 min) and low intensity (I was able to do them most weeks of chemo). I did them after baby went to bed.
Peloton
If your core feels weak, consider getting in with a postpartum physio. Ab problems are real and serious after pregnancy. This won’t help you with the weight loss, but it will help you regain normal muscle function, which is incredibly important.
Anonymous
Get evaluated for diastasis recti. Your stomach will never go back to normal if you have it. If you do see a doctor and get it fixed. Also lipo helped me tremendously. it’s not vanity. It’s a quality of life issue to medically correct childbirth damage.
Anonymous
My 16 year old niece confided in me that she tried alcohol for the first time at a party – 4 shots of tequila. Her family is extremely conservative religious, the same religion I grew up in and have rejected. My perception is her parents have no idea and would want to know. When she told me, we immediately had a conversation around health and safety and I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to talk to me. Part of me feels obligated to let her parents know, but I also worry about possibly losing communication with her when she feels safe talking to me. I think her parents are good people but they also belong to a religion that I don’t have many good things to say about, and my niece may not have other adults in her life who she can talk to about some of these things. Help.
anon
What a tough spot to be in OP. It sounds like she needs an adult she can confide in and trust, and I don’t think you’ll be that adult anymore if you don’t keep her confidence. I probably would not say anything about this unless you see some really harmful behavior or potential behavior above and beyond garden variety teenage drinking (not that I condone that either).
Vicky Austin
+1 – this is a rock and a hard place for you, but I think unless anything else she said gave you a red flag, I’d stay the course for now.
Anon
I wouldn’t say a thing, it’s good she has a trusted adult to talk to. Why break her confidence and leave her all alone when something actually serious happens.
AIMS
+1.
anon
+1 million
16 isn’t a child. She’ll be 18 soon enough and fully independent, should she so choose. She clearly doesn’t want to have these conversations with her parents and she trusts you. I’d rather be a trusted sounding board – talk to her about responsible consumption – than lose her trust and send her back to her parents.
Anon
“16 isn’t a child. She’ll be 18 soon enough and fully independent”
I see this sentiment here frequently, and just feel the need to continue pointing out that 16-year-old brains are far from fully-developed, and that can also be said of 18-year-old brains. Legal thresholds for certain activities don’t track with what we now know about brain development, which is that frontal cortexes are not fully mature until an individual is between 23 and 25. Here’s a good position statement from The American College of Pediatricians from this year that explains the neuroscience of adolescence in easily-understandable terms: https://acpeds.org/position-statements/the-teenage-brain-under-construction
anon
My comment wasn’t so much about physical development (although it seems one of my thoughts was incomplete, sorry!) – I don’t dispute your sentiment at all. I mean more so that in two short years she’ll be a legal adult and may not seek anyone’s input at all at that point.
NYCer
I agree. I would talk to your niece about drinking in general though. Four shots of tequila in one night is a lot for someone who has never drank alcohol!!
NYCer
Sorry OP, re-read and saw that you did have a convo about health and safety.
Anon
Definitely don’t tell her parents, even though it feels shady. It won’t stop her from drinking underage, but will stop her from ever confiding in an adult about it again. Think of it this way– if she ever gets in real trouble, she now has a trusted adult she feels safe asking for help. I wish I had someone like that when I was a dumb teenager. Several times I ended up doing something unnecessarily risky because I was too afraid of getting in trouble to tell my parents (silly, but that’s how teenagers’ brains work!)
Anonymous
I would also offer to pick her up anytime or give her your Uber account info so she can always get home safe.
Cat
+1 million, she needs an adult she can trust to help keep her safe, do not tell her parents.
Anon
Great idea.
Anonymous
As the parent of a teen I agree, except that if driving or drugs had been involved I think you would need to inform the parents because they need to take immediate action to avoid harm.
Anonymous
Omg absolutely do not tell them. You’ll destroy her trust. Talk to her about drinking! Be honest about your experiences. Help her figure this out.
Anon
It sounds like you know what will happen if the parents find out- they will try to correct the problem with the tools of the religion they have and it sounds like you know that’s not going to be a good solution. Don’t tell them.
This is an excellent opportunity to engage with your niece as an adult she can trust, and as someone with experience to deal with life without the particular religious baggage.
anon
Perhaps I’m the odd one out, but I don’t think a 16 year old drinking and subsequently telling a trusted adult is really a problem. In 2 years she’ll be off to college and drinking all the time, most likely. I’m on the younger side for this board but teenagers drink – and from my personal experience, the problems tend to get a lot worse when parents act like it’s realistic that their kids won’t drink until 21. If you think your kid waited that long, they’re lying to you. And I think that truthful open dialogue with a trusted adult is far more important than preventing an almost-adult from taking a few tequila shots.
Anon
+1
If she had confided something in you truly shocking I could see this being more of a dilemma (like if she was a few years younger, or some other issue) but a 16 year old drinking is really not that surprising and definitely does not veer into a moral obligation to tell the parents territory IMO. 4 shots of tequila is a LOT as others note so that is the one thing I would maybe talk through if you can in a normal way, but honestly I myself remember having some silly amounts of alcohol as I simply learned how much was an appropriate amount, not cause I was trying to get THAT drunk, just because I had no idea. I’ve actually thought that when my kids get older having talks with them about how little
it actually takes is on my agenda.
Anon
Same. I remember a party around that age where I had my first real alcohol (other than sampling mom/dads wine or beer at dinner). Got drunk. Vomited when my mom was driving me home. I remember my mom bringing me water and a garbage can when we got home and into bed. Next day when I was very hungover she made me clean her car and told me to learn from this next time. It wasn’t “don’t drink ever” but “learn what you can handle and accept the consequences of your actions”
Teenagers do stupid stuff and they need adults in their lives to help them navigate it
anon
I love how your mom handled this.
Anon
Oh I totally agree with you. Hardly a big deal and definitely not worth losing trust over.
Anon
Hah my husband and BFF actually did wait until 21. There are some nerdy, rule-following kids out there. 😉 But I agree with your point that most people don’t.
anon
Ha, love this. I too know one – but her parents definitely knew she was being honest
anon
This was me and my husband too, actually. We were 22 and 24 respectively when we started drinking (I’m two years older. It just never appealed to me, and still doesn’t really. He drinks like a normal person these days now though.
Anon
This is my take on it too. I drank at parties when I was 16 and with my friends. I would have liked to have had a trusted adult in my life I could have talked to about it. Drinking happens and the most important thing is for the niece to be safe.
OP, I know you said you had a talk about “health and safety” but being granular – I think it’s worth a conversation about how binge-drinking can really affect your decision-making abilities (then and now, I would have been on the floor after four tequila shots). And always making sure she has a sober ride home or can call an Uber. We put our son on my Uber account and put the app on his phone so that he can always get a ride if he needs to, without relying on friends to take him home. If she has any doubt whatsoever about another person’s level of sobriety, she needs to get her own ride home.
I think it’s also worth discussing that for girls and women, being intoxicated puts us at risk for sexual assault – even around people we know very well and trust. She should go to parties with friends – not alone – and her group of friends should look out for each other. She should not let anyone separate her from her friends or convince her to “go for a ride,” “go for a walk,” “let’s go in this room and talk where it’s quieter,” etc. when she’s been drinking. She should be suspicious if a date wants to take her to a party where she doesn’t know anyone else, especially if the party is very far from where she lives. If she starts hooking up with someone when she’s been drinking (or any time) and she has any hesitation or second thoughts whatsoever, she has a right to say “no” to whatever is happening and walk away – or use violence if necessary to get away from the other person. I went to college with some kids who had grown up in sheltered religious environments and they were taught that rape is the woman’s fault for “tempting” the guy – and so I knew some women who were raped because they were drinking, started hooking up with a guy, the guy started being aggressive, and they thought they “deserved” what was happening for “luring” him into the situation. I don’t know if OP’s niece was brought up with those same beliefs but now is the time to shut down that line of thinking.
Anon
Is taking an Uber while intoxicated really safe for a teen girl? I certainly understand not getting in to a car with peers who’ve been drinking but I would worry about sexual assault for a drunk girl alone in an Uber.
Anon
Far safer IMO than getting in a car with a drunk driver. Every year we have a situation where a car full of teens who have been drinking crashes into a light pole, or another car, and everyone dies or the front passengers die and the passengers in the back end up disabled with TBIs or paralysis. We all have a non-zero chance of being assaulted by an Uber driver but the chances of being injured or killed in an accident where someone who’s intoxicated is driving is very high, and I imagine if you looked at statistics the Uber is statistically far safer. And I don’t know about you, but me and my friends did not really get the necessity of having a DD, or a sense of our own mortality, until someone we knew died in a drunk-driving accident.
Anon
I think you have to look at it from a risk/reward perspective from the options that are most likely available to her. Unless this girl has a magic unicorn of a friend that truly doesn’t drink and is willing to always shuttle around, or she truly only drinks when she’s sleeping over somewhere, there will be times when her options are limited to a questionable ride home with peers or an Uber. I don’t have the statistics at hand but I would bet money that statistically the questionable ride home probably has a much higher risk of something really bad happening than the likelihood of an Uber assault. Not saying that doesn’t happen, but I’d guess not as likely. Plus hopefully she can share the ride for at least part of it with a friend or two.
Cat
+1000 to 10:49 anon. Also, if something goes wrong in an Uber, you have an obvious record of who was driving you and where you were.
Ribena
From someone else who’s younger (and lives in a country with a drinking age of 18, where drinking from 15/16 is common) my approach would be to focus on the tequila rather than the drinking. One of the most dangerous things that happens in the U.K. is that because 15/16 year olds can’t buy beer, someone sneaks a bottle of vodka into a house party, which gets everyone very drunk very quickly. I’ve also lived in Germany where you can buy beer and wine at 16 but not spirits until 18, and there I saw teenagers with pallets of beer. Why do I think that’s a good thing? Because it’s so much harder to get dangerously drunk on beer than it is on spirits – it’s the same reason I drink beer rather than wine if I’m at work events, it just takes that bit longer to get drunk. Encourage her to find a weaker drink – or at least to have a glass of water/a soft drink between each shot.
Anon
I don’t have anything to add on the merits or not of drinking alcohol at 16 vs 18 vs 21, but I definitely became dependent on alcohol with beer as my beverage of choice (wine only occasionally, hard liquor wasn’t ever my thing). Lots of folks can do moderation. I’m not one of them.
I’m sober now, and also aware of some dangerous family history re: addiction, masked by conservative religious values and simply not talking about certain relatives/branches of the family tree. I’m not sure if knowing that family history would have made a difference as it was really getting ahold of me in my 20s, but it’s certainly part of my motivation to stay sober in my 40s.
Ribena
My point isn’t not about dependency, it’s about not drinking to the point of blackout/ being dangerously vulnerable to the type of people for whom an intoxicated young woman is a target.
Dependency is a separate – and obviously serious – issue, but not one that OP’s niece seems at risk of?
anon
This story literally isn’t about you or alcoholism. I’m glad you got sober, but don’t project your ish onto this situation.
Anon
Absolutely agree that it’s not about dependency, but beer being somehow safer than other drinks is a myth, well documented, in addition to my own experience.
OP, I’m glad you’re a safe person for her to talk to.
Anonymous
+1 to Ribena’s point about focussing on the type of alcohol.
If google can be trusted, a US shot is about 0.45 dl. (Where I live, a shot is served as 0.2 dl.) So four US shots would be about five units of alcohol, and equivalent to a bottle of wine. Not a hopeless amount nipped slowly over several hours for an experienced drinker, but not a good idea taken as shots by someone who has no reference point.
Second the recommendation to advice her to try drinking (lager) beer slowly instead, as well as the trick to get beer bottles and then just nip slowly – also easier to protect from tampering and keeping with you while dancing.
Don’t tell her parents, but do tell her that if she’s in trouble or needs a ride home or feels stuck you will always come get her (if you mean it).
Ribena
Long comment in mod – additional thought is that it’s safer for kids to learn their limits with trusted high school friends/ with friends’ parents upstairs than it is to learn those limits in the first month of university with no safety figures around
Anon
+100!
anon
+1. Also, why (with their parents’ permission), my nieces and nephews are allowed to have a glass of wine or champagne with holiday dinners since they were 15. I know not the norm in the US, but something I grew up with in a county with a much lower drinking age where binge drinking just didn’t happen as much in uni.
Sasha
+10000. I’m grew up in a culture where kids are socially introduced to alcohol very young (late JR high/early HS) and most kids I knew started openly drinking with their parents around 17-18, including myself. There’s a whole discussion on the ethics of that, but I ended up going to college with a lot of the people I grew up with, and the difference between us and kids I met who didn’t/couldn’t drink in HS was stark. I don’t want to go so far as saying people should encourage their kids to drink in HS, but I do think that, if a kid is interested in drinking, that they go to college knowing what it’s like to be drunk, and with a rough understanding of how many beers/shots/mixed drinks they can comfortably have. And the best way to gain that understanding is in a safe environment where they have trusted parental figures to go to if needed. Tl;dr OP I think you should keep this to yourself.
Woof
I would love to say I am in agreement with this, but I am not. I told my two sons that drinking before age 21 is against the law, and that we could not promote or support, or enable them to drink, therefore. As they were out and about in high school, we explained that if they did drink, to call us and say they felt sick, or text us, and we would come get them. We coached them to put water in a beer bottle, or dilute beer, or nurse a solo cup. We believe in being lawful citizens and the law may be wrong, but there you go. I realize I am a hypocrite, as if I had a daughter or a girlfriend who was pregnant, and wanted an abortion, I would say that abortion is on the table as an option–but I live in a very blue state, and I would never live in a red state. Anyway, this is the dilemma we all face, but I think we have to teach our children to be law abiding citizens, and do the best we can with the discrepancies.
Ribena
That’s fair. As I say I’m in a country where the drinking age is 18 and although many of my peers were drinking at 15/16 I didn’t have my first drink until about a month before my 18th birthday – at a family wedding.
Anon
“If you think your kid waited that long, they’re lying to you.”
Screw you. I did wait that long to drink; my father got into a screaming fight with me, attempting to coerce me to “confess;” I stormed out, called his wife, unloaded on her, and she had to explain to him that I am actually enough of a nerdy rule follower to not drink until 21. I also worked at a secure facility, was subject to drug testing, and was up for a clearance that would be impacted by an underage alcohol citation.
My husband didn’t drink until well after 21. My best friend doesn’t drink at all. My college roommate didn’t drink at all for religious reasons.
Anon
This was a weirdly dramatic response to something that wasn’t aimed at you!
Anon
It was aimed at everyone who says they didn’t drink before 21…..
Anon
I mean, I think we all know some people who didn’t drink until 21. The poster was pointing out that lots and lots of teenagers do, and many of them don’t share this honestly with their parents.
Saying you didn’t drink until 21 is fine. Saying “screw you” to something that was very clearly not a personal attack is…. A lot.
anon
Yeah, same here. I did wait until I was 21, for a number of reasons that are personal to me and really nobody’s business. Didn’t stop people from being a-holes about it in college, though.
Anon
That’s cool but why u mad?
Anon
Wow this is quite the reaction…
FYI – Plenty of people work in secure facilities with security clearances while drinking under age or later on in life as adults who drank underage.
anon
Um, I think you need therapy rather than to be posting here…
Vicky Austin
We are not the best audience for this – try a therapist.
Anon
Vicky, that’s actually not an appropriate response. Do better.
Anon
Anon @2:11, anonymously admonishing handled users really isn’t appropriate either.
anon
I would not say anything to the parents at this point. It sounds like your niece needs a trusted adult to confide in. Now, I would talk to her about drinking responsibly. 4 shots of tequila in one evening is not a great choice; that falls into the binge drinking category.
anon
Yeah, I wouldn’t phrase it this way. If you think 4 shots of tequila is bad, you should see what happens in college. I think it’s far more important to talk about being aware of your surroundings, never driving drunk, and keeping an eye on friends at parties where people are drinking.
Anon
+1 if an adult told me they were worried about my binge drinking when I was a late teen it would have gotten a big eye roll from me.
But if you talked through the specific things you were worried about happening and maybe some consequences you’ve personally seen in your life happen I would maybe listen more, not cause it would have stopped me from drinking but because it would have at least maybe reinforced guardrails I should use to try to keep those things from happening.
anon
My point was to give her some knowledge about how much alcohol that actually is, not label her a binge drinker. She probably had no idea; I certainly didn’t at that age.
Anonymous
Yeah, that’s an awful lot for a tiny 16-year-old kid. It would be a lot for a full-sized adult.
Anon
I’m not generally the kind of person who wrings their hands over media representations of vice, but lately I’ve been amazed at the sheer amounts of alcohol consumed at one time in many shows aimed at young viewers. Some shows don’t seem to be able to convey that someone is drinking a lot without showing them finishing off an entire bottle of spirits or doing double digit numbers of shots… Unless the point is that the character is a career alcoholic who somehow can stay standing, it’s sometimes laugh out loud unrealistic to me. And I do wonder if sheltered viewers are laughing out loud too, or if they think that people ordinarily drink that much when drinking?
Bonnie Kate
+1 to all the advice saying don’t tell the parents.
I’m in a very similar situation as you – grew up in extremely conservative religion, left it, sister stayed in and now is raising a two kids in same conservative religion. My niece and nephew are younger right now (8, 10) so alcohol isn’t an issue yet, but I try and be conscious of what I say to them, reinforcing that I love them for who they are (not what they do), and be a person who’s love isn’t conditional on if they follow the religion. Especially if they have LGBTQ thoughts and feelings, or need bc, this religion is going to be mercilessly unforgiving (high rates of teen suicide due to this) and I want to be a person in their life where they feel safe to figure out who they are (and to celebrate that person).
Anon
I actually wouldn’t be concerned about a 16 year old drinking at a party. My friends and I were rule following nerds and we were almost all drinking by then. She’s only 1-2 years away from college and I think getting accustomed to drinking in a more controlled environment before college is important (not that high school parties are controlled and safe, but high schoolers also tend to drink among a group of friends in someone’s basement)
Given her parents views, it’s very important that she has a trusted adult she can talk to about drinking and what may come along with it, and I think it’s great your that person. Do not tell her parents and betray her trust but be there to listen when she needs it, give advice, and be a safe ride home from an unsafe situation.
Anonymous
It is far riskier for teens to drink at a party now than it was in the past for one reason: increased enforcement. In our suburban/rural county, law enforcement’s policy is to arrest everyone at these parties for constructive possession of alcohol, whether or not they were actually drinking. If the neighbors get annoyed by the noise and call the cops, anyone at the party is in serious trouble. I have seen these cases come through court and don’t want my kid mixed up in one.
Anon at 10:19
I’d mid 20s and so it was like this when I was in high school too. It totally sucks and I wish it was handled differently.
That being said, at least where I am, underage records are expunged so I’d rather a teenager have a temporary record/associated punishment than be the victim of sexual assault at a college party because they never drank until freshman weekend.
I also don’t think full on high school parties are great for various reasons, but I know a lot of high school drinking that is “5-10 friends passing around a bottle in someone’s parents basement” which is highly unlikely to involve cops.
anon
I mean sure, but that’s true in college too. Also, high school parties aren’t typically like what’s on TV – it’s 20-30 people in someone’s basement, typically at a house where the parents are upstairs (some when I was growing up had a rule you had to put your keys in a bowl before you went down – they knew what was going on). Also, I’d disagree that the cops tend to bring charges – at least in my area, it’s way more typical for college kids to get an MIP vs. high school kids who get their parents called – the cops don’t want to deal with the hassle overstretched as they often are already.
Anon
It’s not true at colleges because campus security is going to show up, not the cops, and it’s not going to go on anybody’s records. Unless times have really changed!
Anon
Many campuses have gotten so strict about on campus drinking that parties are now off campus and thus in the local police jurisdiction. I know a lot of people who got cited or arrested in college for drinking …
Anon
I know of several college kids (children of colleagues) who were kicked out out student housing due to underage alcohol violations, all within the last 5 years.
roxie
I actually can’t even believe this is a question. Of course do not tell her parents.
Anon
I’m the mom of a 21 year old and a 19 year old. Not from any kind of conservative background. I told my kids that if they were ever in a situation where they felt uncomfortable, whether it was friends driving recklessly or the friends or my kids doing drugs or alcohol, or whatever, they could text me or call me and I would come get them anytime/anywhere and they would not be in trouble. No questions asked.
Every teen needs that in his or her life and it sounds like you could be this person for your niece. Do not tell her parents, but offer her this. Please.
Anon
My parents said that to me too.
Anon
My parents did too and it was a lie!
Seventh Sister
If it was me, I wouldn’t talk to her parents, especially if they are teetotalers. My anti-alcohol relatives would have sent a kid like this to one of those shady residential centers in a flash over a couple of shots.
I’d talk to her about How To Alcohol – eat dinner first, think about the number of alcohol units you are having, don’t drink the punch, watch out for your friends, etc. And of course, never, ever, ever, drive drunk or get in the car with a drunk driver. I’d offer to pick her up if she needed a ride and/or pay for a rideshare if she needed a safe way home.
The other thing I’d tell her is that if she did something that was a danger to herself or others (e.g., driving drunk), you’d have to tell her parents.
Peloton
The adult in my life I told about trying alcohol didn’t tell my parents, and that meant I told her when I was in an abusive relationship a year later, and she got me help.
Maintain the communication with her. Worse will come her way, and she’ll need you when it does.
Anonymous
You all indulge my questions now and again about American life (and other countries!) Talk to me about Summer Camp, is sleep away camp really like the films? In Scotland when I grew up summer care was universally provided by a parent who didn’t work, grandparents or older siblings. We didn’t have even day camps here.
Cb
I went to vacation bible school, church sleepaway camp, and nerd camp in Berkeley and Bloomington over the years, but never got a stereotypical sleepaway camp experience, which my gut says is more of an east coast than west coast thing?
In Scotland, the summer care options are STILL bad, resting on the assumption that you don’t work/have local family. I listen to American podcasters talk about their summer camp spreadsheets, and if only there were enough options for a spreadsheet…
Anon
+1 to sleep away camp being more east coast than west coast. I’m a Californian and never went to one. Here in Berkeley where I live now, the only sleepover camp I’m aware of is one for Jewish kids, which my kids were always pretty jealous of.
When I was a kid, one summer we had a babysitter, and the following summers I was just expected to watch my younger siblings – I think that may have started when I was in third grade.
Anon
(I should add that my son went to boy scout camp for 1 or 2 weeks every summer in his middle school/high school years. I don’t think of this as a camp like in the movies because they were actually camping. Tents, backpacking, etc.)
NYCer
+2. I grew up in California and no one I knew went to sleepaway camp (the kind of camp that is 6-8 weeks long). Some kids went to space camp and the like, but that was like a one-off for a week. I live in NYC now, and camp is definitely a “thing” here. My older daughter is 8 and has friends going to sleepaway camp this year in North Carolina, New Hampshire and Maine….she has no interest, and we have other travel plans, but it definitely starts young!
Anonymous
Yes. Sleep away summer camp is to be honest quite a bit like the films. It’s not something everyone does though! It’s inherently expensive so that weeds out a lot of kids and it’s just much more common in some communities than others. It’s also not all or nothing. Like 8 weeks in Maine is a thing but lots of kids will do a week of sleep away Girl Scout camp.
Anon
Echoing this. There are YMCA run nature-type camps that are pretty rustic, often done a week or two but no more than 4 weeks at a time, and sporty and then more fancy camps where you are greeted by porters who bring in your things. 8 weeks in Maine sounds like something out of The Parent Trap. And sort of nice — can I sign up?
Vicky Austin
I can’t think of a film to compare to, but I had two camp experiences as a kid.
One was probably most like the ones in the films – it was on a beautiful Midwestern lake, we slept in bunks in cabins that had their own bathrooms, swam in the lake, painted each others’ toenails, had “cabin council,” crushed on the boys whose cabin was across the clearing, picked wildflowers, constantly smelled of bug spray.
The other was in the mountains, so remote that my sister and I took an eight-seater plane to fly up there and land on a Forest Service airstrip. We slept in a shed full of beds and schlepped our toothbrushes to the main building in the morning, made s’mores in the woods, played kickball, swam in a dirty pond full of ice melt from the Rockies and froze our little butts off, and rode horses up further into the mountains to spend the night in a wall tent. It was seriously at the back end of nowhere and so beautiful, but aside from the s’mores was probably not much like the films.
Anonymous
I went to lots of sleepaway camps when I was a kid and I’ve worked in camps as a teen/young adult, and the experience was nothing like the camp stuff I’ve seen portrayed in movies–which all seem to be about privileged east coast kids who go away to some camp in the woods for the whole summer. The camps I went to were 5-6 days long at most. Those camps I saw in the movies felt like a different culture to me. I have no idea whether it actually exists in real life or not.
Anonymous
It does! One of my kids worked at a camp at Maine and the only two options were to go for 6 weeks or the full summer. The cost was something like $11,000 or $13,000 for a camper to go for the whole summer. They paid the staff a stipend of something like $2000. This was just a few years ago. Almost every camper was from NYC or Boston
Anonymous
It does in fact exist, but is only accessible to the wealthy. Everyone I know who sends their kids to these camps is in finance or biglaw and can afford private school.
Anonymous
Ha! My daughter has 3 friends going to all summer sleepaway camp in Maine this year. We live in the Boston burbs. It’s $15k per summer (7 weeks).
Anon
My sleep away camp experience was quite similar in setting to the 1998 Parent Trap Movie – though slightly more camp counselor presence and fewer pranks haha. Morning was three blocks of activities, one had to be swimming but you could choose the other two. There were options like windsurfing, sailing, ropes course, archery, tennis, painting, pottery, the list goes on. These were nominally “lessons” but I’m doubtful now that there was any qualifications possessed by the teenage/college aged counselors in these areas. Afternoons started with a nap and then a 3-4 hour chunk of free time; you could do any of the activities or read or play card games or swim or whatever. Color wars at the end of the summer were great too. Sleep away camp was definitely the most relaxed summer experience I ever had; no sense of rush or obligation and could just enjoy each day at whatever pace you wanted.
I also went to day camps, which would typically have a swim lessons, arts and crafts, a gym-type activity, and tennis spaces sporadically throughout the week (except swim lessons and free swim happened every day). Again, teenage counselors with little distinct qualification in those areas.
By pre-teen years I had started sports camps for sailing, field hockey, and lacrosse. Those were a week long and had pretty rigorous training. The counselors there would be the team members and coaches from a D1 college program – so pretty legit. These also doubled as recruiting tools too, so by high school they were scouting you for college teams (a little younger for field hockey back in my day, though I suspect that’s flipped by now).
Anon
If you’re rich there are absolutely camps like in the movies. I went to a private girls school and there was a camp that a lot of my classmates went to in the summers (I did not go since my mom was a SAHM and I hate the outdoors). But I agree with the previous poster who said that a lot of camps are just a week at most. It’s also really common to have day camps or day programs that are basically school/daycare in the summers for working parents.
Anon
It can be pretty similar to the movies. The only sleepaway camps I went to were academic or for my sport and we lived in college dorms, so I never did the traditional camp in the woods thing but my husband went to Jewish summer camp in the words for almost 15 years (he was a counselor as a teen and college student) and had an experience like in the movies. Not an east coast thing in his case (he grew up in and went to camp in Michigan) but definitely more common among Jewish Americans. Many of his peers were second generation campers and are now sending their own kids as third generation. There are reunions and family camps where you can visit camp as a family, some people married other camp people etc. It’s a whole Thing.
Anon
Oh and my husbands family is not rich. It was cheaper than day camps and a summer babysitter (I don’t think aftercare was really a thing in the 1990s and his mom worked long hours, so sending him and his sister away for the whole summer was actually the most affordable option).
We plan to send our kid to the same camp but not for the whole summer.
anon
My kids go to a sleepaway camp that is like the films, but it’s only for a week. As a kid, I was obsessed with the idea of camp that lasted all summer, but that was definitely not my life in the Midwest!
Anon
The best thing about the summer camp my kids attended was that it was a total break from the cyber world. There was no internet access, no phones or similar devices allowed. I believe that the total break from the pressures of social media served as a mental health break and much needed reset during some socially tough years.
Bonnie Kate
It definitely varies. I went to week long church girls camps (~5 days) from 12-18, the last two years as a youth camp counselor. These were in cabins, had campfires, crafts, skits, swimming, etc. Pretty scheduled, but overall a good time for what it was. Some of the girls LOVED it though – it was very good for them.
I also went to a few bigger church camps (~5 days) that were at colleges across the country from my home. Slept in dorms, dances, classes, etc. I remember hating one of them, it was overwhelming and also I was onto the brainwashing at that point and I disliked it immensely.
I also went to a band camp for around 4 days, which I only did because I wanted to be drum major, which I really only wanted to be drum major because I hated marching in parades/halftime shows carrying my tenor sax. It was not the “band camp” referenced in movies at all, but otherwise exactly what it sounds like.
Anonymous
I went to many weeks at overnight Girl Scout camps as a child and preteen, and then went back as a counselor for two years during summers in college (plus day camps when I was really young). GS camps in our area are either one or two weeks long. I was always amused at how camps on TV would show boys and girls sneaking around – not a thing at GS camp! Otherwise, the activities were pretty similar, although with more structure at my camps (probably because kids were younger?).
Ribena
This is regional – I grew up in SE England in the 00s and there were a lot of ‘day camp’ options. I typically did a week of ‘theatre activity camp’ and a week of the cheaper local council multi sports activity camp, plus a week away at Guide camp, until I was old enough to fend for myself at home in the summer holidays. Before my grandma got sick I would also go and spend a week with her, which I loved.
Anon
It’s an East Coast thing — particularly people who live in areas where kids can’t reasonably roam free during the summer. And it’s pretty much like the movies – and glorious.
Anon
Also – a lot of these camps were ways to keep your kids away from TB in the summer when cities were at TB risk in the summer – that’s why they’re essentially all summer.
Sasha
I went to a week long sleep away camp in the Midwest each summer as a kid. I just looked up the fees and it was $350 for the week, which is much less than I was expecting! It was a lot like the movies–rustic cabins, mess halls, bonfires, etc. My sleep away camp was a bit more relaxed than other ones in the areas and I remember us having a lot of downtime to play cards and make those woven string bracelets with our friends. I never went consistently enough to have “camp friends” but that is definitely a thing.
anon
One summer in college I worked at an all girls summer camp in North Carolina that’s probably what you see in movies. Sessions were 4 weeks long, the girls wore uniforms on Sundays, and days were spent doing various activities like canoeing, horseback riding, tennis, and swimming in the two lakes. Dinner was in a rustic mess hall, we slept in cabins, it was fun. Without exception every girl was white and Southern, and almost uniformly very wealthy.
Texanon
I’m surprised at all the folks saying it’s an East Coast thing. I grew up in Texas in the 90s-00s, and sleep away camp was ubiquitous among my peers. Like the other poster said, it was very much like the 90s Parent Trap movie… but since it’s Texas, they were all religious camps. So, I guess more like Parent Trap with a dash of the 00s documentary Jesus Camp.
Anonymous
I promise I’m not the top poster today. I also gained weight during the the last two years and had a baby a year ago. I’m on a very slow, sane healthy nutrition and exercise plan that is working and I’m pretty happy. Yesterday I went to a friends party; she moved out of town last year and had come back. I wore a cute black sundress and jean jacket and I felt pretty good. She leaned in and asked if I had any “big news” for her. I said “well I’m drinking so I’m not pregnant” and she dropped it. Anyway I feel like a piece of garbage. Is there any way to avoid this! Just say “hey I gained weight but I’m working on it and i don’t want to talk about it?” I realize I’ve been avoiding people and this just stinks to feel like this. I know everyone is probably gossiping behind my back but I just don’t want to be reminded of it.
AIMS
That sucks! But give yourself a break. Your friend shouldn’t have said that and she is probably mortified. FWIW, I don’t think anyone is gossiping behind your back. I was at a BBQ recently and the host was pestering the male half of a childless couple about whether they “were finally expecting” just because his wife was wearing an empire waist dress and not drinking – they aren’t – but it was so cringey to watch. Some people are just social idiots.
Anon
HOW in this day and age are people still doing this??? Insanity. Isn’t it ingrained in everyone’s head that this is like rule number one not to ask a woman?
OP I don’t have advice but I’m so sorry.
AIMS
I think it is generally ingrained with strangers but people love to still do it with friends for some reason.
I was at the dentist for a cleaning and his assistant was very clearly pregnant but I waited until she was out of the room to quietly ask my dentist if it was okay to say congrats. He said “yes, and do it soon, she’s going out on leave next week” — I take nothing for granted.
Anon
I wore an empire waist dress to a weekend party hosted by one of the bosses of my department. He opened the door and said “everyone is with child today!” I wasn’t. I spent the rest of the party sitting on the stairs and left as soon as possible.
Twenty years later I still haven’t forgotten it. Keep your mouth shut, PAUL.
Anonymous
Your friends sucks. Just because one rude snotty b is being mean doesn’t mean everyone is thinking mean thoughts. I’ve noticed nearly all of my friends have gained weight over the last two years as have I. When I see them I think “wow I’m so happy to see you” not “omg cow u pregnant?”
Anonymous
I feel this so much. I’ve gained weight during covid and have been losing it very slowly over the last several months. I was feeling good until I saw photos of myself on vacation. They were truly shocking. I had no idea that was how I looked. At the beginning of the trip I was jumping in all the photos but after seeing myself in them I started volunteering to be the person taking photos more and more often to avoid having my picture taken. But then I feel bad about sitting out and for feeling self conscious and focused on my weight and not on the vacation and the people around me. It’s so frustrating.
anon
Ouch, that hurts. Your friend was thoughtless, and she’s probably mortified now. You are not a piece of garbage. Pandemic weight gain is super, super common. (I’m there with you.) Keep doing you. And I’m sure you looked cute!
Anon
My guess is this has more to do with your first child’s age than your body. I think it’s very silly but people really start expecting pregnancy announcements when the first baby gets to be about a year old. I got asked this a lot when my daughter was a similar age and I was below my pre-preg weight (not a humblebrag – I gained it back and then some during the pandemic).
Anon
I would call her up, say exactly what you said here, and then tell her that it really made you feel like garbage after you thought you looked cute. Point out that if you are pregnant, you would tell her, so this business of hints, staring at stomachs, evaluating alcohol consumption (not that she does that, but other people do), etc. only ever has ONE effect: hurt feelings.
Anon
Nobody is gossiping about you.
Anon
We found a non-parent, I see.
I generally live that no one GAF about me and my life – in a good way, everyone has too much to do to bother – and I was shocked at the level of gossip about my uterus once I got married. It actually wrecked relationships because people would. not. stop. and it became both humiliating and hurtful.
Anon
Early on in the pandemic, my husband’s sister and brother set-up a weekly zoom meeting, mostly to check-up on their parents, who at the time were retired and lived in a different part of the country from all of their adult children and grandkids. Last year, my husband and I bought a house for them near us and moved them out and we now see my husband’s parents almost every week for dinner. I feel like we spend plenty of time with them and do a lot of things to help them. My SIL seems to be unhappy with our absence from the weekly zooms and is starting to get more pointed in asking me when “we” should reschedule the standing zoom meetings so that it works for my family’s schedule. I’m the one that keeps track of the family’s schedule and I text, email and call all of my in-laws so I’m not bothered by her asking me and not DH (he’s not a very chatty/social person and she knows it). The truth is that the family zoom meetings were never great anyway (the conversation was always geared toward asking the parents how they are doing) and we never enjoyed them and I don’t think weekly zooms are necessary anymore (and DH agrees, but doesn’t want to say anything either). Is there a nice way to tell my SIL that we love her but we don’t want to be zooming with the entire family (about 16 people, including the kids) on a weekly basis?
Anon
“SIL, since we live so close to your mom and dad now we will be skipping the family zooms. I’m going to hand the scheduling over to you.”
Anon
+1
Cb
Ugh, that’s tricky! I noped out of family zooms early on as they were always after kiddo’s bedtimes and I’d selflessly volunteer to put him down, and then just not come out again…
I think I’d just say, “our schedules have gotten so busy now that activities are back on, why don’t we check in as needed?”
Anon
I think a combo of the two above. The fact that his parents live near you now and the world has essentially reopened so we all have many more activities than before are two facts that are pretty hard to argue with.
If she gets value out of these and is maybe feeling out of the loop without them, would suggesting quarterly be a good compromise? But agreed beyond maybe suggesting that I would let her take over the details.
Anon
I also agree that weekly zooms seem really unnecessary now that you can see your relatives in person.
Anonymous
“We love you, but we aren’t able to do weekly zooms. Please don’t plan around us, we will join once a month.”
Anon
Can you just talk to her directly-say you seem irritated we aren’t joining weekly, what’s up? That way you can figure out what’s really going on and come up with a solution that works for everyone, or if she still wants to do weekly just tell her that you see them often and are cutting back on screen time so aren’t planning to participate every week but happy to join for a monthly virtual get together.
Anon
I wonder if she feels that this is extended family bonding time and is hurt that your family is not joining.
Anonymous
I’d talk with her about skipping but also make some compromise and still do occasionally (once a month or every few months). You may not see it as important but that’s the only way they’re all keeping in touch and that’s important for all of them,
Anon
Yup. I think if I were SIL I’d feel that you’re prioritizing seeing the parents in person (which obviously is great) at the expense of no longer seeing the rest of the family virtually. I agree that in person dinners with the parents should be the priority but can you join the zoom every other week for 15 mins to check in with siblings/cousins?
Quail
+1. As the faraway SIL in this situation (although we only do family zooms at holiday) I would be pretty hurt by this. It seems like you only saw the zooms as checking in in your parents but it seems like she saw an opportunity for connection between the kids’/grandkids families as well. Please have some empathy for the fact that she knows her family is missing out on the weekly get togethers with the grandparents and try to include her in your lives in some way.
Anon
My sister and I are the only local ones of our generation: grandparents and my parents, aunts and uncles and my sister and I all live in the same metro area and all of my cousins have left. Even though I stayed, I wish my cousins and extended family would do monthly family catch ups! I now only see them occasionally for holidays and it is the worst! I don’t know why it became so normalized for families to be so spread out…
*we live in/around a major city (over 1 mil) with a good job market and a MCOL. Everyone loves somewhere else by choice not necessity
Cat
I would compromise and say something like “because we are spending more time in person with mom and dad, we can’t do weekly Zooms, how about we join the big one once a month to see everyone.”
Anonymous
Any chance that what she’s missing is to connect with you? Maybe the zooms made her realise it’s nice to have a checkpoint with the other adults. How about taking the initiative to a one-on-one coffee zoom once in a while, to have a chat with her, not the whole family?
A
Tell her you’ll join when possible but that you see parents weekly anyway. Then join 1x/ month.
Handover the scheduling to her.
Anon
Does anyone have a good recommendation for a low in sugar/diabetic friendly physical cookbook?
Smokey
Search on Amazon for cook books by the American Diabetes Association and you will see a number of options.
Anonymous
Be a little careful with those, some diabetic advice has been shockingly carb based (don’t know this particular one), and that will not help you.
Anon
I follow MilknHoneynutrition on Instagram. She’s a dietician with diabetes and she has a few cookbooks that I think are available in physical copies. With the caveat that I’m not a diabetic, I’ve enjoyed most of the recipes I’ve made from her blog.
Anon B
Michael Greger’s “How Not To Die” cookbook has some solid recipes.
Peloton
Many of the recipes in Shalane Flanagan’s cookbooks are incidentally quite low in sugar/carbs, and the food is really generally fantastic.
Anon
Since it seems to be on everyone’s mind today, let’s talk COVID weight gain. I stress ate a LOT during COVID. Looking back, I realize it was one of the only “safe” pleasures when I felt scared to leave my house, couldn’t go to the gym, and lost all my usual stress relief options.
I gained the weight very slowly, but it accumulated and like the poster above, I saw myself in photos recently and was shocked. The worst part is that I gain weight so oddly. I’ll go up like 2-3 pants sizes but blouses still fit because I’m such a pronounced pear. That means I can still get away with looser blouses from before, but anything with a waistband doesn’t fit and I look pregnant in dresses.
I know how to lose the weight and I know why I gained it. I’ve even stopped beating myself up about it (like someone said above—who hasn’t gained weight during COVID?! It’s been rough for so many of us). But how can I be patient with myself during the process? It took two years to put it on so I don’t expect to lose it overnight, but I also want to start feeling better and seeing results. I’m already really active and work out regularly. But I’m just too heavy for my frame and I feel sad about it.
anon
No words of wisdom, but I am right there with you. Same pronounced pear shape. Shirts are still mostly OK, but the pants situation does not lie. I started a weight loss program and after about a month in, realized that tracking food was making me crazy. So I’ve upped my exercise and am trying to make better dietary choices. Obviously, I haven’t lost much, but I do feel better. I haven’t fully accepted that I’m bigger than I used to be, but I’m also not doing much about it. :(
Anon
1. Comfort food is comforting
2. Not going to the gym has now become a habit — boo!
3. Time crunch in my life has gotten worse
4. Shopping is my short-term fix but I’ve not given up on my prior size; lifestyle and work dress may affect what I ultimately need/keep
Anon
I’m right there with you – as a public health worker I worked such crazy hours and was so incredibly stressed that healthy choices flew out the window. I lived off of office pizza and coffee and would get home after a long day, drink a beer and go right to bed. No working out, no drinking water, no veggies, and bad quality / not enough sleep led to me losing all muscle mass and fitness and gaining 20lbs. I didn’t realize it for the longest time – a pound a month is pretty much nothing but man did it add up after 2 years.
I’m in a new job and trying to be consistent with working out (my hobbies are all active so I know I need to work on this) and eating well (but not dieting) but man it’s hard to keep the goal in sight when it’s months off.
The Lone Ranger
I think you need to just keep repeating to yourself, “I didn’t gain it in a day, I’m not going to lose it in a day.” And celebrate small victories!
pugsnbourbon
My mantra has been “bodies change.” I try to stay as neutral as possible with my language about myself – it is REALLY hard given the messaging we’re constantly getting.
Anonymous
A helpful analogy on patience that I’ve found is as follows:
If you won the lottery and set out to build your dream house it would take years. Probably months just to figure out the plans. It could take six months to get the foundation right. And you’d do it happily (at least I would).
I’m building my dream body and lifestyle. That means I’ll be able to cross my legs and sit comfortably and take the stairs when I need to and eat healthy most days and not be so hungry that I’m grouchy and also treat myself to shake shack on occasion. I’m ok with it taking years. I’m ok with the plan itself taking time. Your dream body and lifestyle might look different but you need to prepare for it to take just as long.
I know after 40 years in my body that when I’m miserable I’m desperate for results and nothing is ever quick enough so I quit. The long term mindset means you need to get really comfortable with the lifestyle changes even when results are slow. Huge calorie deficits just don’t work long term for me.
Good luck and I hope this helps.
Anon
Thanks for this!! I often get impatient with how long weight loss takes and give up (rinse and repeat). This framing is helpful.
blueberries
Thank you. This is a really helpful analogy for me.
Vicky Austin
This is such a great comment; thank you so much.
pugsnbourbon
This is awesome, thank you for sharing it.
Anon
Right there with you. I started weight lifting and have found focusing on the progress I’m making– how much I can lift– makes me feel strong and better about myself instead of focusing on my looks.
That said, I’ve gained about twenty pounds since the pandemic and spend a good portion of my time obsessing over how “terrible” I look, so easier said than done.
Ribena
Right there with you. A couple of times since this time last year I’ve managed to lose 5-10 lb through calorie counting… and then remembered why it’s not good for my brain to do that. Focussing on healthy movement and eating a balanced diet and hoping that at least all my health markers will be okay
anon
It’s such a catch-20. Counting calories works and is what the experts recommend, but I can’t overstate how bad it is for my mental health.
Anon
I thought it had been many years now since experts recommended calorie counting!
Anon
For me, I don’t let myself step on a scale until I’ve logged >250 miles of running. By that point, my clothes fit better, I’m in better shape, and I am in the habit of being active.
Anonymous
I am glad this works for you but it is the opposite of my approach. I weigh myself often to make sure I know how my body is reacting to my choices.
RVA
I have a friend with a newborn, a 3 year old and was just admitted (now released) for postpartum preeclampsia. Sounds like it was very scary there for a good bit over the weekend. Would love to send her a gift card for a local restaurant so she and the family can get some good take out. She lives near UR. Any recs? I went to UR (over a decade ago) and all I can think of is Mosaic, but maybe there’s something better? I think there are a few Richmond residents around these parts… thanks!
Anon
What is UR?
OP
University of Richmond
Anon
University of Richmond — west end of the city
Anon
Can you just give a gift card for door dash? I know that doesn’t seem as thoughtful but honestly it would probably be the most useful and require the least amount of brain power on their end.
Anon
+1
Anon
Agree with doordash. I’d be delighted to receive a gift card like that for those days where I’m barely keeping it all together, and j don’t have a newborn, much less preeclampsia!
Anon
Stella’s grocery – they have a lot of locations around city with pre-prepared meals/high end groceries so that could be a great option. Also Peter Chang’s is good for Chinese or Osaka for Sushi! Also there is a bike delivery service local to RVA called “Chop Chop RVA” that has a lot of great options.
anon
Super helpful – thanks!
Anonymous
I spent 2.5 days in Richmond and went to a Stella’s 3 times!
Anon
From the news today, about the compromise gun control bill: “Though it would not raise the age to buy assault rifles from 18 to 21, …” This makes me ill. How are we in the US so stupid as to let anyone buy assault rifles, let alone 18 year olds?
Anon
It’s beyond crazy that you can get assault rifles before beer.
anon
This. The age restriction doesn’t make a lot of sense to me – yes, this most recent mass shooting was committed by an 18-yo, but many are not. (Plus we let 18-yo’s serve in the military… which to me should be the only way to get an assault rifle.)
Anon
And a beer
anonyomous
Should 18-yos in Ukraine have their “assault rifles” confiscated?
PolyD
You’re really asking this?
Anon
This is pretty disgusting. I’d be embarrassed to have even thought of making this comparison.
Anonymous
Can’t we agree that stopping JUST ONE mass murder committed by an 18-20 year old would be worth it? I don’t understand the comment that “many are not”. Your later comments seems to acknowledge that 18 yo’s should not have assault weapons but the highlighted comment seems supportive of current state.
Anon
Worth it at what cost though? If we manage to get a bunch of undecided single issue 2nd amendment voters to turn up for Republicans, for example, how much good will we have accomplished?
Anon
I guess my feeling is that we can’t, as a country, agree. The last time we had a ban, we think it did save a lot of lives… but then when the ban was allowed to expire under Bush, people went wild purchasing assault rifles “while the getting was good” and shootings have gone up again.
It’s immensely frustrating, but I can see why people like Katelyn Jetelina are focusing on things we can do with bipartisan support at this point.
anon
I will take any progress, even if it is incremental. I called my senator this week (Cornyn) and plan to do so again this week). I suggest we all do the same, especially if you live in a state with a republican senator that could be swayed.
anon
Yep, and Cornyn actually led negotiations here, which I appreciate. Would I like more, sure. But typically progress is slow, across a lot of areas of policy, and I think the fact that if crafted correctly, this bill could get 60-70 votes is a hell of a step in the right direction.
Anon
I would love to see an assault-weapons ban but it’s not going to happen right now. We need to take incremental change where we can get it and also persuade people to vote blue like lives depend on it (because they do) in the November elections.
Here’s some tough talk for my fellow progressives: the perfect is the enemy of the good. By pushing for a full assault weapons ban or nothing, we will end up with nothing. The compromise legislation in Congress is not what I wish it was but it’s better than nothing. This is going to take time to change. If you really want to make a difference with this issue, Vote Blue No Matter Who in November and get us larger majorities in the House and Senate. I don’t care how you feel about where someone sits on a particular niche or wedge issue – hold your nose and grit your teeth and vote for them anyway. Don’t sit out voting; don’t vote Green Party or write-in your own candidate. Vote Blue. That’s the only way we’ll see real change. Right now with Sinema and Manchin holding the party hostage, we can do very little. If we change that in the midterms, we can make some real progress. If we have purists who continue to insist that anything short of true socialism doesn’t “do it for them,” we will watch the country continue to spiral into chaos and the next Jan. 6 insurrection will actually work, and then we’ll be living in a fascist state. Apathy and an insistence on ideological purity are how Democrats will assist with the dismantling of our democracy. I’m sick of it. Roe is going to fall because liberals couldn’t get behind Hillary when it counted. All the marching for abortion rights being done now is performative BS, sorry to break it to folks. Advocacy counted in the 2016 election and by turning noses up at Hillary, liberal Democrats ensured we’d be where we are now. If you want to see ALL our civil liberties go down the tubes, keep insisting on perfection or nothing.
nyc
I see this type of comment frequently and want to share my view that the party is also responsible for putting forward candidates that can win. Hillery came to the election with a lot of baggage and although I held my nose and voted for her, I strongly strongly preferred a different candidate. The party needs to be smarter about how they manage their internal politics.
Anon
I don’t disagree, but the bottom line is that while we’re working on internal party reform, we need to take the long view and realize that our short-term actions have consequences that can last far past the immediate moment, i.e., the situation we’re in now. Trump’s election has had far-reaching consequences that are worse than my wildest nightmares. I never in a million years thought Trump becoming president would have unleashed the chaos that has occurred. Had I known, I would have campaigned twice as hard for Hillary, despite my own misgivings about her as a candidate. We can go back and forth all day about whether Bernie really should have been the nominee, but I’ll remind folks that while we were debating that contemporaneously in 2016, Trump seized hold of the Republican party and subsequently brought the country to the brink of authoritarianism (and if you think I’m using hyperbole, you aren’t watching the Jan. 6 committee proceedings). What’s really scary is that Trump won’t be the last person we have to worry about – DeSantis is younger, and much smarter and more manipulative, and scarier in a lot of ways.
I just want Dem voters to have their game plan together because we’re now in a fight that’s going to last awhile. I think the hard turn the Republicans have made toward outright fascism (and blatant sexism and racism) has united some folks on the left, but I worry about the people who are still agitating for the perfect over the good. It’s like trying to build the perfect sandcastle while watching a tsunami wave come toward the beach. We’ve got more immediate problems to solve.
Anon
Okay, but can Dem politicians have a plan and fight too? Voters are criticized for apathy, but what about apathetic leadership? It feels like they’re more interested in telling us that things are fine than in change for the better. The progressives I know I have told me to read that Thomas Frank book, Listen, Liberals, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to read it yet. I believe you about Jan. 6, but is there going to be any real accountability? Is the lesson going to be, “This was real, real bad, but also something you can totally get away with”? I’ll keep “voting blue,” but I’m not going to get my hopes up.
tired
Sorry but I am *so* tired of this. We voted. We have a democratic president, a majority in the house, and (usually) enough votes in the senate. I am so tired of being told to VOTE VOTE VOTE like it is my individual responsibility to enact some sort of change. We voted. We elected democrats. Now those democrats need to act. We need to start holding the people we elected accountable for enacting the change.
PolyD
That is exactly Anon at 10:52’s point. Yes, we have a majority, but we don’t have ENOUGH of a majority. Many things can only be passed with 60+ votes in the Senate. The current Republican Party has no interest in actual governing, so don’t delude yourself that somehow Democrats should work with Republicans to get stuff done – the GOP has NO INTEREST in working with Democrats, even if what is being voted on is good for their constituents.
The only way for Democrats to get things done at a national level is to have a bigger majority (yes, I know, cancel the filibuster, but I don’t think that’s happening either). The way to get a majority is to vote for more Dems. And we need to pay attention at the state and local levels because republicans there are making rule changes that will make it difficult, if not impossible, for Democratic candidates to win in some places. Or they just change the powers of the governor or legislature – look up what happened in Wisconsin and North Carolina. A Democrat won the governorship and the GOP-majority legislatures stripped away many of the governor’s powers.
Anon
Seriously though — why aren’t they getting rid of the filibuster? Why is that not happening?
pugsnbourbon
+10000
Seventh Sister
The older I get, the more I just tune out people who insist on ideological purity in politics. I want the school board member who will get a g- d- crossing guard for the street in front of the school, not the one who has a Green New Deal plan for the school district.
As for gun control, I don’t believe in individual gun ownership, but you bet your bottom dollar I’m voting for people who actually pass anything that will restrict gun ownership in America.
Anonymous
No it’s too early on Monday day to explain the whole history of guns in this country. It’s a compromise because they needed votes to be able to do something. No it’s not enough. No it’s not perfect
Yes. It is a major achievement and better than nothing.
Anon
yes, i am disappointed that banning or severely restricting the sale of assault rifles is not part of the legislation bc i just dont understand why any civilian needs them. i would never own a gun, but respect that there are people who do and want to for various reasons, so I have no issue with gun ownership as long as it is safe and sensible. so 18 year olds are mature enough for guns, but not to drink? i dont get the logic
Anon
I thought the drinking issue was about physiology (they’re not physiologically mature/developed enough), not about responsibility?
Seventh Sister
American alcohol policy isn’t really based on anything scientific, as far as ages go. It’s all old temperance stuff and blue laws jumbled up with modern statutes. Honestly, I think the 21+ age fuels the hyper-drinking culture on college campuses and I’d lower the age to 18 (with a concurrent ratcheting up of DUI penalties).
Anon
I’m an old, and the age was 18 when I was in college. This resulted from a big Vietnam war era push about 18 yer olds being old enough to get drafted but not old enough to drink a beer. The blowback to this was that restrictions on federal transportation funds forced the states to 21 or lose federal funding. I think many on this board are too young to remember this history.
Anon
I called my rep today as well (Cornyn) thanking him for his hard work (he did more than Cruz after all), noting that the legislation isn’t near enough but it’s a start, and encouraging him to get this votes on and passed as soon as possible because if this is all we can get right now, we need to move on it to start protecting our children.
I’m surprised and yet not, that they can’t even get the age limit to buy these weapons raised. It makes the legislation feel like a joke honestly, but if it’s the only option available what are we supposed to do, ignore it and go back to doing nothing? I’m torn, because I want and our children need better, but better isn’t on the table. I do hope more people call on this issue.
Anon
Adding to the Covid weight questions today:
I’m pretty active (3.5 mile round trip walking commute 4x a week + walk everywhere else I need to go + 2-5 workouts a week which are a mix of sports (club soccer, rock climbing) and cardio (running, biking). I know I need to add strength training and clean up my diet (sometimes it’s great sometimes it’s awful).
At my old gym I had access to a very meh dietician, but she did tell me I need to aim for 1,800 calories a day given my activity level and size. On days I focus on eating well (but not being restrictive), I find I eat like 1,300 Cals a day. (Greek yogurt/chia pudding + berries, skim latte for breakfast, lunch and dinner are both chicken/fish with roast veggies/salad, 2-3 snacks a day are veggies + hummus, trail mix, a little dark chocolate). I’m full and satiated but know I’m not fueling myself appropriately. Any ideas on how to add more healthy calories?
I also know I need to incorporate strength training and make my workouts more consistent (some weeks it’s 5x a week, more often it’s just my weekly soccer game). I’d also like to be better about stretching or incorporate yoga. I’m a total strength training novice – any idea where to start? How to get set in a routine where working out is just something I do?
I don’t belong to a gym but would consider joining the planet fitness by my office. I have 2 sets of light dumbbells and a spin bike at home, but mostly run/bike outside.
Anon
OP here adding: I’d like to lose about 15-20 lbs, but if I gain muscle I’m less concerned about the number on the scale.
I also work full time, and am in grad school part time.
Anonymous
Eat carbs. Where are your carbs? Add brown rice or farro or quinoa to dinner. Add some whole grain cereal to your yogurt. Whole milk latte. Cook with more olive oil. Top a salad with nuts. Eat cheese.
Explore the idea that actually your diet is incredibly limited and restrictive.
OP
I roast all of my veggies in olive oil and have nuts/trail mix almost every day. Most, if not all, of my salads have cheese and avocado on them, plus bottled dressing that definitely has fats in it.
I was advised by my dietician to avoid carbs in the morning due to my glucose levels, and I don’t drink whole milk lattes just because I don’t like them! Too milky for me.
Due to my schedule I graze at dinner so am trying to get away from cheese and crackers every night – am trying to do lunch meat + cut up veggies and yogurt dip. I eat lunch as my main meal so I could add some rice or something to that, I just feel that when I do I get hungrier faster.
I’m trying to strike a balance between eating pasta and bagels polished off with ice cream all the time and eating veggies. I have trouble with this, clearly
Anonymous
Right what I’m saying is your goal day is crazy restrictive so it’s not surprising you wind up eating cheese and crackers. You’re hungry because you’re starving yourself.
OP
No , the cheese and crackers for dinner is from before I decided to change my habits. I want to get away from that not only to be healthier but also because eating like that gave me stomach aches and made me feel lethargic.
My goal day is literally just to focus on eating mostly lean protein and produce and healthy fats which follows standard recommendations.
Anonymous
Your goal day is 1300 calories. That’s not healthy. But do you!
OP
If you read my post and other comments you’d see that my goal day is 1,800 calories, not 1,300!
Anon
I’m confused about why you want to add 500 calories/day if you’re trying to lose weight. Calories in, calories out is an oversimplification but on a basic level it’s accurate.
OP
Because 1,300 calories a day is not enough to healthily sustain my activity level. Of course weight loss is calories in/calories out but I burn between 2,100 and 2,800 (only on soccer days) calories a day.
To lose one pound a week (which is viewed as healthy/sustainable), I need a 500 calorie deficit each day, which is approximately 1,800 calories a day.
Anon
You still should eat carbs — brown rice, whole grain bread, roasted potatoes, quinoa, etc.
Anon
I’m not sure where you’re getting this advice from, my blood glucose would be demonstrably far from okay if I ate brown rice, whole grain bread, or roasted potatoes. I might be able to swing a very small amount of quinoa.
Anon
Honestly, the most helpful thing I found for glucose levels was just actually testing blood glucose levels to see how different foods affect me. There were some surprises! I found it stressful and confusing to be guessing all the time, so getting a few weeks’ worth of actual data helped tremendously with motivation and I guess “compliance” with the things I’d discussed with my dietician.
Anon
Anecdotally, EVERYONE I know who lost weight on their own did it by adjusting their diet and dramatically cutting carbs (even healthy whole grains). I’m no dietician but I literally have 10 family members and friends who were pretty healthy but had weight to lose and did it by cutting out grains. None of them went to keto extremes – just made changes like replacing pretzels with fruit as a snack, for example.
The Mediterranean diet, which a few dieticians I know really support, is low carb because it’s low grain.
Fruit and vegetables have carbs so it’s not like OP is carb less.
anon
I would focus on adding healthy fats and probably more fiber. I’m kind of jealous that you’re satiated on 1300 calories. With the level of activity you’re describing, I would be gnawing my arm off.
Anon
Yeah I almost wonder if you have an underactive thyroid or something. That seems like crazy low calorie intake given how active you are.
OP
I occasionally have days when I’m absolutely insatiable and eat everything in sight but that’s maybe 1-2x a month the day after a harder than usual workout.
I hate to be that person who says when I eat clean, it fills me up, but it’s true. Like, 15 baby carrots with hummus fills me up more/longer than a granola bar or bag of chips but is less calories.
anon
So I’d first make sure you’re ACTUALLY only eating 1,300 calories – I mean literally weigh everything you eat for a week or two. It’ll reset your perception of portion sizes. You might need to eat quite a bit more than you think, or you might actually be closer to 1,800 calories than you think.
Anonymous
This. When I eat as OP describes it comes out to at least 1800-2000 calories a day with small portions.
OP
Good call – I definitely eyeball some of my portions, but I also think I’m pretty aware of portion sizes (I eat half of a chicken breast instead of a full one – full ones are huge now! The fish, yogurt and trail mix I eat is pre-portioned, when I make chia pudding I don’t measure it but I do put it in 4 separate containers rather than dish out from one big one). I never measure fruit/veg but also I don’t see a problem with having “too many” calories from produce. Not only is it hard to do, but also if I’m overeating on broccoli so be it
anon
So based on your above comments – I’d look at how much olive oil you’re roasting your veggies in, how much dressing, etc. I literally had to measure a TSP/TBSP out for a few weeks to reset my perception of how much I was drizzling on. I don’t have to do it now (though I do every now and again to make sure I’m still sticking to the amount I intend).
But I’m currently working on getting my COVID weight off – I eat 1,500-1,600 calories and what you’re describing seems a lot closer to 1,800 than 1,300.
OP
That’s a good call – thank you. I’ll definitely take a closer look at the “little things”. If I’m eating around 1,800 without realizing it then awesome, that’s exactly where I want to be!
anon
That would be my guess – which also makes sense why you said you were struggling to get to that – if you’re already eating it, I can see how that’s hard haha
NYCer
+1. OP, your diet sounds amazing, but I also agree that calorie wise is likely closer to 1800 than 1300.
roxie
I’m no dietician but seems like adding a healthy carb to dinner (so it isn’t just lean protein plus veggies) would help? Rice, potatoes, bread? They are not the enemy!
maybe a full-fat latte instead of skim?
OP
I used to have toast or oatmeal for breakfast but the dietician recommended against it due to my glucose levels.
I could add some into lunch – lunch is my main meal of the day due to my schedule and I graze at dinner. Trying to get away from grazing on cheese and crackers at dinner.
Anonymous
I really enjoy a little brown rice or other grain for lunch with a pile of veggies, some salmon or tuna or shredded chicken, and some kind of sauce (often yogurt based). Maybe something like that would work for you?
OP
That does sound good. Thank you!
startup lawyer
try the peloton app – i love their strength classes and they also have yoga and stretching classes. If you dont want to come up with your own routine having someone tell you what to do helps a lot.
OP
Thank you! I occasionally use the app (with a cheaper bike) for spinning but I always forget about their other classes.
Bonnie Kate
+1 especially since you have access already, definitely try the strength classes. I only use the strength, yoga, boxing, hiit classes.
Bonnie Kate
Random thoughts –
At Home Workouts
-You need 5 lb, 10 lb, 15 lb dumbbells to start. Then you’ll probably want to add 20 and 25 eventually
-the Beachbody On Demand programs are really good for teaching how to do things to total novices. Since I went through Lift4 and Morning Meltdown 100 on Beachbody on Demand, I feel confident and like I know what I’m doing in other workouts.
-With the Beachbody programs as my base, I moved on to Peloton strength workouts and they are fantastic and the best. They’re better/more fun than the BOD programs, but they don’t teach the moves as detailed and move faster.
-Yoga – I’m super picky/I’m a yoga teacher myself – Peloton yoga classes are excellent. Alternatively, on lesser known YouTube yoga teachers – Yoga with Candace is a great instructor. I also like yoga with Allie Van Fossen. Pick around with yoga classes/teachers until you find someone you like; not every instructor/type of yoga is for everyone.
GYM/Studios
-my family, previously not very into working out, loves their local YMCAs and my dad and sister are even working with a personal trainer with great success. A gym+personal trainer might be a great kickstart for strength.
-For yoga,
Routines
For building the routine – I do best when I’m in the routine of doing it right after I’m done with work. I tried for many years of trying to make myself do morning workouts and my life got so much easier when I finally gave that up. So my main advice there is to try different times of the day and if one feels painful (like morning workouts did for me), do a different time. Basic habit building strategies work here – decide in advance on a trigger (for me, when I get home from work), activity (for me, 20 min strength workout on peloton and/or 20 min yoga), reward (for me, highlighting/checking off a box that I have on a bulletin board at home – so stupid and so effective).
Having a piece of paper I check off workouts from is SUPER effective for me. Now I do 365 days of 20 min boxes that I start over each year on my birthday. I make the grids in excel and print out on 11×17 cardstock.
No advice on the eating, that’s definitely not my strong area.
Anon
I’m curious about this excel chart! Can you share a link to something similar?
Vicky Austin
Ooh, actually, this is not the same as what Bonnie Kate is referring to but I used this from elisejoy.com in 2021 and it might work for you!
https://www.elisejoy.com/resources
Anon
Thanks!
Bonnie Kate
it’s very similar to that!!
I like how if I miss a day (or week), I can make up for it by doing an hour long workout (that is 3 boxes) and not be too off. Or I can hike for three hours with my husband and check off 9. :) My schedule can be erratic so that way works well for me.
Anon
For me, if my consumption is too low for my needs a few days in a row, my body will want to eat more to compensate for that. So maybe some days you are eating 1300 calories and feel satiated in that moment but then a couple of days later you’re feeling ravenous (could lead to the great some days, constant grazing other days cycle).
If you’re measuring your portions (if that is healthy for you) and you are actually eating 1300 calories, why not add in a little additional cheese or whatever it is you like to graze on? I’d go for full fat cheese and salad dressings to get my calorie count up if I were in your shoes!
Anon
I’d recommend looking into the Mediterranean “diet”. It incorporates the focus on lean protein, healthy fats and lots of fruit/veggies that you’re already doing but also encourages smaller portions of whole grains while still limiting processed foods and sugary foods.
It also helps regulate blood sugar/insulin so that should help with your glucose concerns. I know a few people who have had weight loss success with this diet/lifestyle as well – my old boss lost 60 lbs by adopting the Mediterranean diet without changing his workout routine.
Anonymous
I think the issue here is consistency. I think if you were eating this way consistently you’d figure out in a few weeks if it was giving you enough calories to maintain your weight.
If you can’t eat like this consistently (6 days a week most weeks), why? Are you hungry all the time? Then you probably aren’t eating enough. If you’re binging for emotional reason or have a really awesome social life involving lots of food several time a week you’ll have to work on strategies to eliminate at lot (not all) of the inconsistency but your daily “good day” calories won’t be the issue as long as you can stick to them and adjust for weight loss if and when you want.
Good luck-hope this helps.
Anon
Yes this is definitely my main issue – I do have an awesome social life (like meeting up for drinks or something with friends 4/5 times a week) and so my diet gets easily derailed by social life or just life getting in the way (no time to cook before my grad school class I’ll just grab fast casual!). The same happens for workout consistency: I’ll try to workout in the AM (so I’m free after work for happy hour) but then I am too tired or I have to study or something so I skip my run
I’ll post again tomorrow looking for tips on how to maintain a healthy life when being busy/social.
Betabrand?
Has anyone purchased Betabrand pants? The website styling is not my cup of tea, but I’m narrow-hipped, short-legged, petite at the smallest end of size ranges and find myself sized out of many clothing lines so I’m open to trying. Wondered about any real experiences with the clothing? Does the fabric look/feel cheap and synthetic? Are the cuts weird? I’m looking at the straight cut dress pants.
Anonymous
I have a pair of Betabrand pants. and I do not like it. The cut is more bootleg style even though it says it’s a straight cut. Also the fabric is thick and clings to your body. Unless you are very thin with no visible fat, it is not flattering. I find it hard to style so I never wear it.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I’m plus sized so different body shape but they looked far too tight / body hugging on me, and I didn’t really like the fabric. Definitely looks synthetic.
Betabrand?
Thanks, both! I’m convinced to give it a pass.
Horse Crazy
Help! I live in the Bay Area and we have been having very hot and humid weather lately, which isn’t normal for us. I cannot manage my hair in this weather. I have long, thick, course, wavy, frizzy hair – think Hermione Granger in the first two Harry Potter movies. It goes absolutely wild in this weather. What do you ladies do who have similar hair to mine and live in this weather? Product recommendations for keeping hair smooth and frizz-free?
Anon
Honestly summer=hairspray and a bun most days for me. Other than a keratin treatment have never found anything that actually held up throughout the day.
Anon
Makes my hair much better: Paul Mitchel Skinny Serum
Hair is fine and flat but can get big + bad with the wrong humidity; this makes it bigger and better vs fuzzy.
anon
This stuff is great. I’ve been using it for years!
test me
There are a million smoothing serums out there, but the thing that works best for me (in the extremely humid SEUD) is old fashioned hair spray. I use l’oreal elnett. I mist some on my hair and also spray some on my hands and use them to smooth down the top layer.
Ribena
I just bought the Bumble and Bumble light curl defining cream and I’m in love with it. It was more expensive than any of the similar hair products I’ve used before but I really like it.
Anon
I have similar hair and long ago I accepted that my hair will do what it wants and I don’t fight it. I pull it back so it doesn’t look too crazy.
Anonymous
Redken Align
anon a mouse
Curlsmith – either the weightless air dry styling cream (lighter hold) or in-shower styling fixer (serious hold). You can now get them through Target, or order direct.
Explorette
Just commiseration, my main goal in getting ready this morning was to make my hair look less scary. I am not made for this hot humid weather!
Anon
My daughter has hair like yours and employs one or two braids in situations like this (we are also in the Bay Area). Thankfully it’s only a few days a year around here! I’m sure your coworkers would give you a pass on wearing an updo or some braids for a couple of days.
Also have you seen those larger rectangular claw clips? They’re very good at holding curly hair.
anonamouse
I live in a swamp and my very similar hair does really well with gel and mousse products. They got a bad rap in the 90s and 00s for giving that wet, crunchy look, but they provide much better hold and frizz control than lighter cream or serum products. But the trick is breaking up that “cast” that forms, either with just scrunching again (what I do), or a little oil or serum through the hair, or hitting it with some gentle heat from a diffuser.
I went through a phase of trying a lot of high end hair products but never found them to be significantly better than drugstore options. I use Kristen Ess curl defining jelly ($15 at Target) for gel and a basic Tresemme mousse ($9ish at Target).
Electric car market help
Are any of you car people and also interested in electric cars? I’d like my next car to be electric but it seems like to this outsider that there’s about to be more options in that market. It also needs to seat six (we have four kids) easily. I know I could just go get the Tesla SUV but if I limp along for a while, do you see more options on the horizon? Even something potentially exciting? Also is this a crazy idea?
For context, I drive a nine year old car that’s starting to show its age but definitely still works. Want to start researching future options but I’m really intimidated by this area. Would also appreciate any ideas for resources to learn more about what may be coming/when!
Ribena
Options are growing seemingly by the month in this market – but the supply chain is still really weak and if you ordered next week you might still be waiting six months plus for your car. If I were you (when your car gets to the point of needing replacement) I’d be looking at newer second hand models to see if you can trade in for something more gently used, to tide you through until better availability of EVs.
Anon
I don’t see myself getting an electric car until the infrastructure is more built up (I walk/subway in my day to day life and only drive if I’m going far – to the beach/mountains/other cities) but I would get a hybrid if my 20 year old car kicks the bucket. The hybrid RAV4 is my dream car, as lame as that sounds.
Anon
You’re not the only one– I tried to buy the plugin RAV4 Prime a few months ago and gave up because they were so in demand I couldn’t even get on a wait list!
Anonymous
We lucked out and got one in early 2021. I loooooooooove it!!! Not enough seats for the OP though.
CHL
Are you me? Oh, we only have two kids Our car is also 9 years old and we’re looking for our next car to be electric. We’re planning to wait a couple more years – I think you’re right that more are just on the horizon and we would rather have the 2nd or 3rd iteration that the first. Most of the family sized cars still seem to be still hybrids but I think that will change quickly. I bet there will be a decent minivan from one of the big car makers and I am a huge nerd and have always dreamed of a volvo, which I think will be available in a few years.
Quail
The Chrysler Pacifica has a plug in hybrid!
Anon
+1 This is a great option for anyone needing more seats! I think it’s something like 35mi all-electric range, but then also has a conventional engine for road trips.
Anonymous
I’d hold out for another year or two if possible – a lot of the main car manufacturers are in the process of developing electric cars now but the supply chain and labor backlog means they probably won’t come on market for a couple years. That being said, are you open to considering hybrids?
Anon
The Sienna is a hybrid. If any of your kids is tall, its middle row is what they will be most comfortable in.
Anon
Does anyone know if the energy generated by braking is cleaner than using a plug-in?
Ribena
Battery electric vehicles get energy from braking just like plug in hybrids (and the other kind of hybrid… whatever that’s called). It would be a waste of energy if they didn’t!
Anon
If you have the option between a hybrid and a plug-hybrid, plug-ins are DEFINITELY cleaner. Plug-in hybrids are essentially both a limited-range EV and a conventional vehicle in one, so you can get the cost-savings of driving entirely off the battery for short trips (~30-60mi, depending on the model) and still use it like a gas car for road trips.
Conventional hybrids just use regenerative breaking to generate electricity and have a few other efficiency measures, but don’t hold a candle to the cost savings / environmental benefits of plug-in hybrids.
Quail
I agree that more options are coming to market every month and that right now supply chain issues are making it hard to predict what’s actually available or will be available when (say if your car died tomorrow). I will say we bought a plug in hybrid last fall and it’s been great. Most of our driving is 100% electric since we are in a city (trips less than 5 miles though we can go up to 30 before a charge) but we aren’t dependent on electric charging infrastructure for longer trips.
Come at me but I'm not wrong
Buying an EV won’t change the fact that you had at least 2 more kids than is environmentally sustainable.
Ribena
I used to think like you – and then I saw someone point out that if a population is living a net zero life it doesn’t really matter how many people there are, within reason. People often point to food production as a limiting factor for that, but with less food waste and less meat consumption, we have easily enough space to feed everyone.
Anon
Is any number of kids environmentally sustainable?
I know that people say 2 is, but I’ve never seen data on it. And if you have 2 but take private jets or live high on the carbon hog, IDK that 2 is better than a clean-living 4.
Anon
You are wrong. A healthy and growing population can be quite sustainable, and a shrinking population can wreck havoc on the environment because it lacks the resources to invest in sustainability.
Anon
Someone’s gotta work to pay the bills (on a macro level) when our generation is too old
OP
Eh, I have four more democratic voters in my soon to flip state. Who will also be working to protect the environment. If I raise four responsible kids who live according to our values, I think that’s a net add. My oldest just did a project on sustainable building practices – I think she’s definitely going to make the world a better place! She’s one of the reasons I’m really pursuing this question actually. She cares.
anonshmanon
I hereby transfer you my+my husband’s allotment of two offspring.
OP
Aw thanks anonshmanon :)
anon
You’re making a lot of assumptions about OP’s family and reproductive choices. Maybe OP has a blended family, or maybe OP adopted–in which case you would be wrong. Maybe not, but you should examine why you assume that every family is a mom, dad, and their biological children.
Anon
Unpopular opinion but I agree with you. Any more than 2 biological children is completely immoral and it’s just laughable to pretend like you care about the environment after having four kids.
Anonymous
She asked for your advice on a car. Whether an electric car for her already existing family is environmentally advantageous is the question here. I’m sorry that’s so confusing for you, but I think reasonable people who care about the environment had little trouble spotting the issue here. I don’t care if the lady had four kids. I don’t care if she rolled coal and finally saw the light-that’s a good thing.
Also, maybe go away? Surely there’s some awful corner of the internet where you can go judge other womens’ reproductive choices? There seems to be a lot of that these days.
Math error
This is only mathematically true if 1) everyone is having 4 kids AND 2) carbon footprint is the same for everyone. The math of population growth is not Malthus, though – not linear at all. If you have no kids and I have 4, we’ve averaged out to two. Developed nations are below 2.1 (replacement rate) so the 4 kids her family has is likely getting her developed nation closer to two but is still below. (For United States, it’s only immigration that keeps it close to 2.1.) It’s also only true if every person lives the same way, and I know for sure that my 4-person family’s carbon footprint is smaller than my brother’s family of 3, and my DINK college roommate is absolutely a greater offender than either of those families.
Anon
We are very interested in getting a Chevy Bolt EUV. The Bolt is popular among our neighbors and the EUV looks like a great new option. We’re waiting a year or so for potential incentive/supply chain.
Anon
Whoops – just saw you need to seat 6. Sorry.
Cat
we are in a similar position though only need a sedan – we are going to try to wait a few years for the infrastructure (kind of a chicken and egg problem perhaps because the infrastructure would also follow demand… but access to efficient charging is important!)
OP
In case anyone still reading, definitely open to a plug-in hybrid! I think maybe the answer is an interim used car for a couple years, although clearly I prefer to drive my car into the ground…
Probably not looking for a minivan, but pretty open otherwise!
Quail
I didn’t want a minivan either, but we also wanted the ability to seat 6 and it became clear that third row SUVs could not comfortably seat teens/adults in the back, and we wanted to keep this car through the teenage years. Plus the minivan offers really flexible cargo space, and front visibility – a big factor for me as a cyclist and pedestrian – is way better in the minivan. (On this last point, I really hope Congress regulates the car industry on this issue – SUVs are far more dangerous now due to their height and reduced visibility.) Just some things to think about if your preferred option is the third row SUV.
Betsy
I have a long commute so I’m waiting on ranges to improve, but it seems like there are quite a few 200+ mile range vehicles coming out in the next couple of years. I think sky high gas prices are really going to push demand for the next couple years, which should help improve infrastructure. I think my current car has about 4 or 5 years left and that should hopefully put me in a sweet spot for a second generation where some of the kinks have been worked out. It wouldn’t fit your needs because I think it only will seat 5, but the Subaru Solterra that’s coming out next year and whatever Toyota does with the RAV4 in the next couple years are the ones I’ll be keeping an eye on.
Anon
Volvo XC90 comes in a plug-in hybrid version.
PolyD
Been going back to the office a couple of days a week, and I like to wear makeup, although less than I did pre-pandemic. Right now I’m using Maybeline’s BB cream as foundation, and it’s okay, but I don’t love it. It feels a little heavy and greasy. I’m wondering if CC creams would be any better, or if I should just try a different BB cream.
I’m not looking for heavy coverage, I’m pretty okay with my skin. It’s a little uneven in color, but not a lot, and I don’t have a lot of redness or acne scars or dark discoloration I’m trying to hide. I’d just like to look a little smoother. I’d say my skin is normal, maybe a little oily in the T zone but not particularly dry. I’m fair/light with yellowish undertones, although by most criteria, I think I’m neutral rather than particularly cool or warm-toned.
PolyD
Seriously, a list of terms that put you in moderation would be very helpful! I have no idea what got me into moderation this time. Lately it seems like every comment I make ends jo in moderation.
And by a list, I mean in the page header every day, I’m not going to search through pages of comments to find a list a commenter kindly provided.
Cat
this one might have been the backslash followed by a word, which the system will think is a would-be link.
Actual rec – Charlotte Tilbury Healthy Glow. Expensive but you only need a few tiny drops a day.
Anon
I was a BB cream devotee for years but now I’m hooked on the L’Oréal true match nude. Feels lightweight but has decent coverage
Anon
BareMinerals Complexion Rescue tinted moisturizer is my holy grail for lightweight coverage. Meant to be applied with fingers so it goes out super easy and after a few minutes it settles in and it looks like I’m not wearing anything, but my skin looks smoother and more even toned. I’ve been using it for years and have no intention of ever switching.
Vicky Austin
+1 Love this stuff.
Anon
+1 Amazing stuff.
Anon
Boy I really wanted to like this one but it was so patchy on my skin and settled into pores…. I am shocked it works for anyone.
Anonymous
I use Supergoop Matte sunscreen because in addition to the protection, it just makes my skin smoothed out. I find it works well with my skin — especially when it’s on the oily side. It also works well with makeup over it. Most CC and BB creams I tried were too heavy for me.
Anon
I just use concealer on problem areas instead of covering my whole face.
Anon
https://www.neutrogena.com/products/makeup/healthy-skin-anti-aging-perfector/6843793XX.html Long-time favorite.
Ribena
I use the Body Shop Fresh Nude BB Cream and I love it – similar to the BareMinerals one by the sound of it, except maybe with less coverage.
PolyD
Thanks for all the tips! Anyone have experience with the IT CC cream? It seems to have lots of good reviews, but I’m not sure if that’s just because of publicity efforts.
Rox
The IT CC is full coverage and, for me, very heavy. Ulta recommended Clinique Even Better foundation as a lighter alternative and I’ve been happy with that.
Anon
It did not work for me. It never smoothed out and looked good on me, and all the shades are quite yellow, like Lisa Simpson yellow.
anonamouse
I was sucked in by the publicity and tried it – heavy lemon scent, limited shade range, and leans VERY yellow. It was an immediate no from me, but I gave it to a friend with a different complexion and it works for her. She likes the buildable coverage and isn’t bothered by the scent.
PolyD
Well, that is helpful. I was suckered by the IT ads, but I really don’t want heavy coverage.
startup lawyer
Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer. have been using it since college
Anony
The new L’Oréal True Match Nude Hyaluronic Tinted Serum is amazing (besides the dropper). I’m in love and I’m insanely hard to please when it comes to foundations, BB creams, CC creams, etc. It goes on smoothly, doesn’t get cakey (I set with a powder), and has just enough coverage to really even out my skin. I even bought multiple colors haha highly recommend!
Anonymous
I bought the new one with the dropper after a Sali Hughes rec, but really didn’t like it, but still love the L’Oréal Paris Infallible Pro Glow Longwear Foundation.
I also set with powder, but the dropper one sort of just smeared on my skin? It was like it didn’t stick to me, just glided around on top. I have sensitive and dehydrated skin, so very strange to have something not be absorbed.
The pro glow one just melts into my skin, I use two different colors throughout the year.
Anon
I think you should try the NARS tinted moisturizer. It’s extremely popular because it’s so good, and there are tons of shades. Any Sephora would be a good place to check it out, though I bought mine during the pandemic and got a great match through looking at the online pictures of models wearing each shade – one of them had my exact coloring!
PolyD
Thanks – will check that out!
pugsnbourbon
NYX Mineral Veil
Anon
What would you do and why? (Note, all of this is remote so moving and housing and such do not apply, age 39, and am single and childfree, though hopefully not single forever, no inheritance to fall back on or anything like that.)
Currently an adjunct for multiple colleges in the US, earning about 90k per year, but no benefits, no paid time off, no job security, working about double a full-time employee workload because turning down an offered class means not getting asked again and I tend to make hay when the sun shines.
Fulltime professorship jobs in my field range from 50-75k per year with benefits, security, and summers off. Salaries are either not negotiable or have very little room for this so posted salaries are set. However, if I take a fulltime job, I cannot teach elsewhere as schools do not allow this. This means that I’d be giving up working connections at other universities as soon as I take one job somewhere.
Ideally, I’d get a 75k yearly job and either be happy or add in summers there for extra income, resulting in the security and benefits plus options to make nearly what I do now or work less and have more free time.
I am applying everywhere and am getting interviews for fulltime positions that are 50-55k. I initially thought security and benefits would be worth the income drop, but when I think about it, I can’t just take this if it’s offered and keep applying as I’d have to give up my foot in the door with other schools if I take a job.
How would you decide what the bottom line salary would have to be to go through the hiring process for a school? Do you wait for the 70+ knowing there are fewer and it could take longer and thus spending longer without any job security? Do you go for every position and think benefits and security are worth cutting income so low? How do I figure this out?
Thanks!
Anon
Are you in a field where there is a way to make $ tutoring high school kids (math especially)? Depending on how your classes re scheduled, maybe you could work in a PT job or tutoring work to make up the difference. Benefits are also “worth” something even though it’s cash you can’t spend (ditto summers off — you could maybe monetize that and/or teach elsewhere in the summer to help make up the lost cash income).
Anonymous
I am honestly saying this, and I know academia is wack, but what do you value? Do you want the prestige of academia? If it’s money/benefits you want, you could teach high school in my town and get full benefits, summers off, and make nearly 100k with a PhD in the right field.
Or go work for a company in the private sector that values your skills. I’ve had PhDs of various kinds report into me over the years as career changers and they all started above 100k.
I apologize if this isn’t helpful and you are set on staying in academia! Just throwing out options as a neutral 3rd party here :)
Anonymous
How on earth do colleges charge 80k/year for tuition and pay full professors $50k? What a scam.
Anon
1. Administrators can make mote than professors.
2. The college’s that charge $80k usually pay more but have few openings. The ones that pay less often have professors move on after a few years when they get paid more. Those charge like $20k a year for tuition.
Anon
The jobs that pay $50k to tenure track profs aren’t at the prestigious colleges that charge 60k tuition (is there even a college in the US that charges 80k? that seems like an exaggeration). She also isn’t a “full professor.” I assume she’s talking about entry level assistant professor jobs, which is obviously very different than an adjunct position but not a “full” professorship. The normal path is untenured assistant prof –> tenured associate prof –> tenured full prof.
anon
Total annual cost at a lot of private schools is approaching $80K. The schools break that down into tuition, room and board, activity fees, etc. https://www.collegecalc.org/lists/america/most-expensive-out-of-state-total/
Anon
Yeah, but you wouldn’t expect profs to get any part of the room and board or activity fees.
anon
My undergrad just posted something that popped up on my Linkedin. Looking for a career services person, MBA preferred, salary range $45-55k….. hahahahahaha. I’ve not seen something so out of touch in a long time. They charge around $70k, per a quick search. It’s no schlubby college either – a hoity-toity private southern school with a hefty endowment and an intensely well-manicured campus.
Anon
Married to a professor. His advice is that you have a maximum of three years to get hired after finishing your PhD; after that, they will take people who are fresher to the market.
Health insurance and retirement can be great benefits that will replace a lot of income. My husband’s job gives him about 10% of salary in a match. Health insurance coverage can be quite good.
I think your bottom line salary depends on your location and your other expenses. Do you have student loans? Would those loans be eligible for public interest forgiveness after ten years?
Do you have other means of making some extra money, such as writing, books, or consulting?
Anon
I mean, I think the answer is how much you need to live. Do you feel like you could live on a household income of 50k? That would be pretty hard for me, even in a LCOL area, but if you feel like you can do it, then maybe it’s enough for you.
I’m not sure what field you’re in but 50k seems incredibly low to me for a TT professorship. I make that as a very low level university staff employee in a job that doesn’t require any post-graduate education. I know many postdocs (admittedly in STEM, which I know pays more) in the 60-70k salary range. I would not expect to break 75k as an entry level prof in the humanities, but 50k seems way too low. And yes, it’s a 9 month salary and you can supplement with additional work in the summer. You’ll like have the option to do summer teaching through your institution.
Humanities
My first TT job offer in the humanities was $50k, from a flagship state university (though not a particularly fancy one). I negotiated up to $55k. This was ten years ago, but salaries have been pretty stagnant.
AnonMom
Are you sure the schools don’t allow teaching elsewhere (as opposed to the scheduling being difficult)? My husband is in academia and has many, many colleagues who teach at multiple institutions. Usually one full-time and others for a class here, a class there. They usually have to get sign-off from the FT place but it’s pretty administrative just to confirm they will maintain availability agreed upon for the FT school.
Anon
This varies, but it’s not acceptable at the university I work at, unless it’s during the summer or to help out in an emergency (faculty member at another local school suddenly dies and there’s nobody to teach their classes or something like that). It wouldn’t be okay to do this on a regular basis.
Anon
Same at my university.
Higher Ed Admin
I agree with this. I’m an administrator at a university and although we don’t like people to teach elsewhere, unless it’s another state school, there is literally nothing we can do about it. Unfortunately, given our financial situation, we do offer starting salaries for TT faculty in the 50K range and it’s hard. Given that, I do understand when faculty teach elsewhere, especially in the summer when they might not have a full load here. I do think that having security of possibly earning tenure and the benefits of healthcare and retirement contributions are valuable. We estimate that to be worth an additional 30% of compensation. If you do take a TT job, negotiate for what you can for a reduced teaching load, additional travel support, limited new preps, etc. so that you can be really successful in launching your research agenda. You may not be able to negotiate a higher salary but you should be able to negotiate things that will help you be successful your first few years.
But you have to weigh that against what you value. Academia is really a hot mess right now — especially public schools. Knowing what I know now (especially as a well paid administrator) I’m not sure I would have chosen this field.
Anonymous
For me, personally, I would go for the full time position. I would want the peace of mind. I dated someone who was permanent teaching faculty (not TT) and he worked maybe 30 hours a week on a hard week and had tons of time for hobbies,outside interests, and life stuff (working out, renovating his house, cooking, growing a garden). Plus summers off, which he used to teach abroad and other cool things. He did not have to do research and publish for his position though, and was in a MCOL area.
Anon
Yeah, it’s a good life. Even with research in the mix, it’s still a very good job. My husband has teaching responsibilities ~10 hours/week but otherwise can set in his own hours and work whenever and wherever he works. And no boss in the traditional sense, especially once tenured. Summers not exactly off, because he does do research, but much lighter workload and complete freedom to travel and work from wherever. He can take our kid to the waterpark on a Tuesday whenever he wants. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he’d keep working even if he won the lottery and I wouldn’t.
Anon
How long can you keep up this workload? What happens if you get sick or adjunct opportunities dry up sometimes? I’d weigh that in your decision about taking a pay cut. I’d also check out retirement benefits (5-10% of salary at places I’ve worked), how good the health insurance is, and how much salaries increase when you get tenure. Just because the salary is lower now doesn’t mean it will always be, whereas adjunct salaries will stay roughly constant over time. Like someone else said, the odds of getting a tenure track job definitely decrease after adjuncting a few years, so you can’t defer jobs indefinitely if that’s a long term goal (there are some exceptions to this, but it’s rare).
Anon
Oh, I forgot to add that you should find out about summer teaching and the opportunity to teach overloads and get paid extra. That can also bump up your salary considerably.
A Nonny Mouse
I am in academia, and in my field, the $50-60K jobs are small colleges, undergrad focused, or non-tenure track. To get $75K you need to be at an R1, research intensive university, in which case, your summers aren’t off – you’re doing research and writing to keep up with the high publication expectations (this can be included in some grants for summer pay). Heck, even my friends in nonTT positions are writing all summer and staying involved in the field in other ways.
Academia is not great for work-life balance, to be honest, especially in the first six years or so as you work towards tenure.
Anon
Let me just say, as someone who currently has two kids in college, that it absolutely infuriates me that your potential salary is so low when tuitions are so freaking high. It’s disgusting and I’m sorry you have to deal with this at all.
Don’t take a pay cut.
Anon
Just curious, how amenable are universities and colleges to professional staff working remote? (Stanford is the one I’m wondering about in particular in case anyone has some Intel.)
Anon
Not at Stanford, but my large public university has hired some full time remote people. There are more people who are 95+% WFH, but they still need to be able to come to campus occasionally, and sometimes on short notice, so they need to be within a few hours away.
anon
In higher ed, and it depends entirely on the job function and the particular office’s appetite for remote work. Many are on a hybrid schedule now; very few people have been granted full-time remote work. However, if they are having a hard time hiring, they may be more amenable to it.
Anon
It really depends on the institution. At mine, many staff are officially fully remote.
Anon
I think it’s really institution-specific. I work at a large public university in the Midwest that has made most non-student facing staff fully remote and turned office spaces into student housing and classrooms. I have no info about Stanford’s remote work policies, but I lived on campus for 6 years while my husband was doing his PhD and it was great. Go Card! :)
Anonymous
Really depends on how competitive the field is and the type of job. Some jobs do require face time even if the majority can be done remotely. In some instances my uni has hired people in other states for remote work but those are in fields where it’s hard to hire people or the people were here but needed to move and we wanted to keep them. Mileage may vary depending on institution and role. In my experience, the privates are more picky about this.
Anoneighmys
In Florida, with our disastrous policies re COVID, full-time remote work at any of the state colleges or universities is prohibited for all but the occasional unicorn position. Gotta show the world how free and back to normal we are /s
It’s lead to an absolute exodus of staff as many decamp to fully remote positions elsewhere.
Anonymous
Mine is currently fine with full remote but in fall will require virtually all administrators to be in the office 3-4 days a week.
Anon
I have a friend who teaches there and has been remote for the entire pandemic. I’m not sure whether it’s permanent though.
Anonymous
Stanford would desperately love to have all people back on campus full time, but it seems mostly to be about creating window dressing for the collegiate experience. I don’t think they’ve been successful in getting folks back in. At Stanford, they do allow people to enter into remote working agreements where they are off campus for some or all of the time, so I think you have leverage if you have an offer there.
test me
Working remotely but locally or from another state? A friend who works there says their HR is not setup for working in other states (and they don’t seem to be changing) but I think you can live in CA and work remotely. I work at another university and all of our professional staff are at least hybrid at this point, if not fully remote (and we’re setup to support out of state workers with the exception of a few random states).
Anonymous
Recommendation needed: I want to get DH a single-serve K cup type deal for Father’s Day. He recently switched to decaf and it means we have an awkward multi coffee pot situation setup. I might even put it in our basement, where we each have a home office.
Suggestions for brands/models? It does not have to be fancy.
Mouse
I know you can get a refillable insert for Keurings, which means you don’t need to buy the cups and can use any coffee brand you want – this would be my solution.
Anonymous
The refillable inserts stink. The little coffee grains end up all over and the result is a lot of mixing (so my tea tastes like coffee from the part of the machine that holds the cup that has gotten soiled from the family member using the refillable one). I think your two machine approach is completely the way to go.
ALT
I drink 1-2 cups of coffee and have a Keurig mini with the reusable Kcup. I LOVE it. It’s tiny, the water doesn’t get stagnant since you have to refill it for each cup, and the reusable KCup means I can use whatever coffee I want. I think it’s was $70 or so?
Anon
… is it normal for alterations for a wedding dress to cost $700-900??
This whole wedding thing has gotten completely out of control..
Anonymous
Yes and has been for years. It’s a lot of delicate work.
Anon in NY
About 10 years ago, I think I paid half that. But doesnt seem beyond the realm of possibility…
Mouse
Yes, that is my understanding, especially if you have a dress with complex design/detail/lots of layers/a lot of structure. When my tailor went through all the changes needed and each cost, the cost made sense. But, having them do that would also give you a chance to opt out of any changes you don’t want.
Anon
Thank you, I appreciate knowing that I’m not getting ripped off. I used to sew, so I understand how much work goes into these things, but I guess I didn’t add it all up in my head.
Anon
My alterations were somewhere between $500-$600 3 years ago so…yes, unfortunately that sounds about right. I stayed in house though, and bought my dress at a high-end boutique – there were cheaper options out there, but my dress was extremely minimalist with no lace, and I was very nervous that any mistakes would be extremely noticeable. Staying in house meant that they had a quality guarantee, and that was worth it to me.
Anon
I will tell you a story –
My friend bought a beautiful, simple looking gown. The alterations quoted by the bridal shop were in the range you describe, which was about 1/2 the price of the dress.
She had an alterations lady she liked at her local dry cleaner and she decided to have her do the alterations instead. After a lot of back and forth and delaying and obfuscating, it turned out that the alterations lady had ruined the dress. It was just beyond her skill level, which my friend had thought was pretty good prior to this incident.
So at the end of the day, my friend had to re-buy the dress and pay the alterations fee at the bridal salon. She barely got this done in time for the wedding and it was all extremely stressful.
Wedding dresses are a specialty item and you really don’t want anyone touching it who doesn’t do this all the time.
Anon
Yeah it’s crazy. I think I was quoted $500 for alterations, and my dress itself had only cost $800 (I did get it on sale). I ended up skipping alterations. The fit probably wasn’t technically perfect but it felt fine and looked fine in pics.
Anon
I can understand why you decided not to alter your dress, but just wanted to note the cost to alter does (and should!) have everything to do with the amount of time and effort and skill it will take to alter the dress, NOT how much a person paid for the dress. A wedding dress on sale (or passed down, or bought at a thrift store) still has multiple seams, layers, and silky fabrics that take a lot of time and skill to get right!
Anon
Yeah, I get that, just felt ridiculous to me to pay almost as much for alterations as I did for the dress. And when I saw it was on sale, I mean like I got an $1100 dress for $800. It wasn’t a $10k gown or anything.
Anon
Depending on your location, yes.
I bought a wedding dress with a back that laces up, which allowed us to adjust the fit without alterations. I’m tall, and with heels, did not need it hemmed. Bustle was less than $100.
Anonymous
a little late chiming in here, but 18 years ago I paid somewhere between $350 and $400 for simple alterations (a hem, and taking in a bit at the waist), so $700-900 today sounds very reasonable, especially if you’re getting a lot done, it’s specialty work and the person doing the alterations deserves a decent wage for their labor.
Anon5
I’m the poster from Friday asking about her relationship anxiety with her BF. I was in too much of a spiral at the time to engage with the comments but I just wanted to thank everyone who commented. I appreciate that I got opinions from both sides and it gave me a lot to think about.
And on a larger level, thank you to everyone who takes the time to comment and give advice here. I have come to this forum for advice many times over the years and it truly is such a great resource. My mom was married at 24 with 3 kids by 33 and has had an amazing career path that is completely different from mine, so while she is great for a lot of things, she self-admittedly is not super helpful with a lot of the personal and professional issues I have run into in my adult life. Having a community of women with varied life experience that more closely aligns with my own to tap into has been huge. Thank you all!