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Updated: Aug 19, 2022 174 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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woman in white peasant blouse with pintuck details

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Button-front blouses seem like they're suddenly in again both for work and play (although many would argue that they never went out of fashion) and there are a lot of fun options. This slightly sheer peasant blouse looks great for either weekend or office, at least for casual days or offices.

I love the slightly long sleeves and little ruffle on collar and sleeve, the open-stitch and pintuck details on the shirt, and the general loose, relaxed vibe of it. The shirt is $158 at Nordstrom, Faherty, Zappos and Tuckernuck, available in 4 colors in sizes XS-XXL.

Looking for something similar for less money or more sizes? The Belk brand Crown & Ivy (new to me) has a lot of similar preppy/boho peasant blouses for under $30 in regular and plus sizes up to 4X.

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Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Lily

    Has anyone ordered furniture or decor from Oka? Any thoughts on quality and customer service? TiA!

  2. Anonymous

    Do you ever get totally overwhelmed by a task that should be simple but just feels confusing and huge — and so you focus on things like formatting instead of the task? How do you get out of that spiral if there isn’t a deadline?

    • Anonymous

      “confusing and huge” probably means that it IS confusing, and that you’re feeling inadequate or intimidated or put off by something related to it.
      Start by listing all the smaller tasks that need to be done on the way to getting the huge task completed.
      Then list all the questions you have related to what you don’t know, don’t know how to do, don’t feel adequate about, etc. You might also need to list all the thoughts/feelings you have about this that you aren’t putting into words: “I feel like I’m going to fail.” “I feel stupid for not knowing how to do this.” “I feel pressured to do this RIGHT, but I actually hate doing these tasks.” “I failed last time I tried something like this; it’s just going to happen again.”
      you’ll probably see some stuff you can do now, and you’ll probably also begin to understand the elements that are confusing you, keeping you stuck, and keeping you from getting started.

      • Curious

        Solidarity. I also sometimes just ask other people how they would break it down, because when I’m feeling paralyzed and confused I suck at that part. Normally someone even saying “I’d try to answer these three questions” gets me out of paralysis.

    • ANON

      Sometimes the focus on the mundune is allowing your unconscious to process the task at hand. I now review the task, do some reading, make some notes and then go proscrastinate by cleaning out a closet or some other mundane activity. When I go back to the job, I have a fresh perspective.

  3. Shelle

    Maybe a dumb question. Every summer I get a professional pedicure (not gel) with orange or red nail polish. After about a month I remove the polish myself (non-acetone) and my nails look discolored and kind of ugly for a month or two until the nail grows out. Would this still happen if I picked other colors? Is there something different I should be doing? I’d like to get another pedicure at that point because I’m still wearing sandals but I’m worried I’m damaging the nails. TIA!

  4. pugsnbourbon

    Thanks everyone for the negotiation vibes yesterday!!! They met my counter!!!

  5. Elle

    Those of you that attend church- where do you buy your church dresses? I go to an episcopal church in the south east. Tuckernuck is the closest I’ve found to the right vibe for me.

      • Anon

        Same. I see a lot of what I *know* is Boden. Sometimes I will see a J Crew Resume dress or Origami dress. And then it is hella rufflepuffs and a lot of Swedish Hasbeens (substitute for GG sneakers worn during the week). And lot of Chloe bags and also some of the plastic coated canvas ones that aren’t LV but the pattern looks like a Y — I forget the name but they are spendy. I used to see more DVF but less so now.

        #fashionchurch

        • Anon

          Goyard. They used to be super exclusive bc they could only be purchased in the US at the store in NYC, so they were a huge status symbol for equity partners’ wives like 8 years ago. Now they have trickled down to the lower-upper class (lol).

          I agree that DVF seems to have disappeared, as has Lilly Pulitzer.

          • Anon

            FWIW, I have a Lilly golf dress (has pockets and is wicking and has coordinating undershorts) and wear it everywhere I’d wear a Lilly and it’s awesome. I’m not melty anymore and it looks cute and IS WASHABLE. IDGAF though.

          • Anon

            I do love the wackadoodle painted LV and Goyard items. I think if I get one (I won’t), I will do a two-tone shaded monogram and then stripes in something like hot pink and orange. It will be lovely. [Is there a much cheaper version of this? I am So Very Magpie sometimes even though in the winter I wear just black and dark gray, so I feel a bit too Morrissey sometimes.]

    • Anon

      If online is okay, Madison Mathews in Charleston has cute churchey dresses, perhaps at a lower price point and more casual than Tuckernuck. I have not had the best of luck at Tuckernuck, although they have tons of beautiful stuff.

    • Anon

      Belk’s Crown & Ivy store line sometimes has cute dresses in the preppy vein described in posts above. Some seasons everything’s too short / too young / whatever, but some seasons you can really luck out for $40 or so.

    • Seafinch

      Catholic in Canada, mostly Boden with some random work pieces from Talbot’s/Nordstrom etc.

    • Anonymous

      Wouldn’t set foot in a church even in whatever highest class of exclusive shoe/purse status symbol there is at the moment!

    • Anonymous

      California hippie by way of the northeast living in the SEUS and now a member of the UMC. Athletic figure with no curves and I am in the choir so I need shorter dresses that don’t hang out under the polyester choir robe. I shop very selectively at Anthro, Tuckernuck, Lilly Pulitzer, Rails, and Z Supply.

  6. Betsy

    This summer heat has me daydreaming about winter! My husband is looking for a pair of winter boots that look nice for wearing into his business casual office (although he typically changes to regular shoes at work) but are also good for an icy walking commute. He isn’t thrilled at the idea of adding yaktraks to regular boots. Any suggestions of brands to check for winter boots that are good on ice?

    • anon

      Blondos, but wait a month and they will have their Fall-Winter line ready. They are very waterproof but also really comfortable.

    • Anonymous

      Winter boots that are good on ice have spikes and are not nice-looking for wearing into the office.

      Get yaktrax, would be advice, from the Nordic countries… Or Icebug boots, but those cannot be worn inside.

    • Anonymous

      Look for boots with icefx soles. Also pajar and olang both have a winter boot line with ice grippers on the soles that flip up that are generally fine for sidewalk walking.

  7. Worried

    Has anyone ever intentionally changed their style completely? I was looking back at old photos and the clothes, colours and patterns I gravitated to in my 20s are still items or iterations of items I would likely buy today. Lately, I’ve gravitated a bit more to cleaner lines, but I still love colour, details and prints. Sometimes, I want to purchase items to blend in, such as more neutrals, lululemon, or aritzia (which is the gold standard where I live), and even though I can pull it off it doesn’t seem authentic. For example, I usually wear full length pants or jeans, or just at the ankle, rather than cropped. I can pull off the cropped look, which many wear at my workplace, but it doesn’t feel like me, though it would look more current at work. How does anyone even decide to just embrace something and get used to it and blending in more, rather than gravitating to what you truly like?

    • Anon

      haha yes, many times. I think the basics are still there but I did a whole 180 from only skirts and dresses to only pants about 2 years pre-pandemic. I’m not sure why, it just seemed like a better look to my eye, and time for a change. I will miss slim ankle pants, I’m still hanging on to them.

      • Anon

        March 2020 — had a 60+ day streak where I wore a t-shirt with words on it all day long. Before: strictly dry clean only.

        • Anon

          I will see your print t-shirts and raise you 2+ years of wearing Birkenstock clogs a good 95% of the time.

          At first they were just house slippers, but I didn’t leave my house. Then I got so used to them I started wearing them out and about (as much out and about as I went for the first year). Now I wear them everywhere except a strictly business occasion.

          • Anon

            I had a knock-off pair that I wore into the ground. So awesome. I see your clogs and raise you clogs / Crocs with socks.

    • Anon

      I have some pretty basic stuff that I love (clean lines, solid colors, etc.) and I sometimes feel out of place with the ruffle-puff crowd. I found that if I update my accessories to something trendy, then my basics look good again. A trendy sandal/shoe can go a long way.

      • Anon

        Oh yeah, I have skipped some trends altogether. I managed to completely skip the low rise pants trend by never wearing pants basically (I don’t mean I went around lower-half naked like Winnie the Pooh, I mean I wore dresses) and I am definitely skipping the ruffle puff trend.

        • Worried

          My legs run cold, and I cannot have a sliver of ankle showing (my husband jokes that covering my ankles is very Victorian lol). I skipped all pants for over five years and wore tights and boots to stay warm at work. This got me into dresses and skirts, which I’m still into more, though I’m branching out into pants now too.

          • Anon

            OMG me too! Can do cropped pants from April to October only. I have Doc Martins for winter + wool socks but resent HAVING to do that b/c no one makes full-length pants anymore.

          • Worried

            Full length pants have been elusive in the last few years! I’m cautiously optimistic a darker wash bootcut jean shortened to wear with flat boots — that I recently purchased will work:)

          • Anon

            Same; also, cannot bear bare wrists in the winter. I freeze through any skin that isn’t covered, so I am so Team Turtleneck and I actually layer them.

          • Anon

            I have wide thighs, narrow ankles, and long legs. I am glad I’m in CA where bare ankles work most of the year, because I feel like a block of cream cheese in full length pants.

    • Anon

      Well my coloring hasn’t changed, so I still like the same colors I look good in. That’s not going to change, no matter how many neutrals BR tries to sell me. My overall body proportions also haven’t really changed, so I still gravitate towards the same cuts and proportions in clothing. I’m much less comfortable showing off a bunch of skin than I was when I was in my 20s though! I know what looks good on me and don’t feel like chasing trends when they don’t.

    • Anon

      I used to dress Very Professionally, down to the haircut. Now, I am more Iris Apfel and DNGAF. I can be Professional Iris, but generally what I do I care if my awesome Boden tiered tule skirt goes with my crew cab pickup with the light bar on top for off-roading?

    • Anon

      Funny you mention old photos. One of my good friends recently died after a long illness, so my friends and I have been sharing photos for her memorial, and our photos go back to the aughts. Maybe we just looked great because we were 10-20 years younger, but I also think we were just so much more glamorous then. I guess I don’t miss the high heels and the hosiery (boy was I invested in nude fishnet tights) but we all wore lipstick, skirt suits or coordinates, accessories, beautiful wool coats – I never dress like that anymore, but honestly, those were the days.

      • Worried

        I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend.

        Your described this so much better than me! The sense of nostalgia I have felt revisiting old photos is what prompted me to miss some of those fab outfits. I still mask at work when I’m leading larger groups in a breakout space, so I miss the lipstick, and I used to have the nude fishnet tights back in the day. I agree with you on the high heels though and my feet don’t miss them.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t wear anything you don’t love. You can be classic or current without following trends that don’t suit you. The book The Curated Closet can help you discern your personal style.

    • amberwitch

      I don’t think I’ve ever changes style radically. In some periods I’ve been a little more lagenlook and in some more tailored, but always slightly deconstructed and subversive.
      Over the last ~25 years I’ve moved towards and then away from an all black wardrobe. I still own and use items from all those years, and my clothes are mostly by the same 1-2 designers even.
      I’ve noticed that I am beginning to ‘repeat’ myself. Example: a jacket in the same colour as the one I wore out as a teenager, with the same type of top stiching (different cut, though), or a hot pink knit blouse/ top in almost the same colour after 25 years of never wearing pink.

      • Worried

        +1 on repairing yourself! I feel as though I’m purchasing variations on past items…I guess my taste remains quite constant though things ebb and flow. In high school I had a flowy utility type/ skirt, and I’ve recently purchased a utility skirt in a very similar colour, which is reminiscent. Ghosts of clothing are certainly reappearing:)

  8. Anonymous

    Best way to end diarrhea? It started 10 hours ago. I took pepto. Still cramping and happening. I haven’t had this for a decade and not sure what to do :(

    • Anon

      I think it just has to run its course. STAY HYDRATED! Nature is trying to ditch what it thinks is poisoning you the hard way. STAY HYDRATED! Gatoraid is your friend.

    • Anon

      Have you taken any new meds? Or is anything different? I had this happen when I took the first pill from a Z pack.

    • Anon

      Let it run it’s course. Your body is trying to get rid of something. Unless you’re trying to get on a plane, just let it flow. Protect your skin with something like aquaphor

      • Anon

        +1 A doctor told me you shouldn’t take medicine for diarrhea, at least not in the first few days, because your body is trying to get rid of whatever’s upsetting it. If you’re home and can easily get to a toilet, count your blessings and let it come out.

    • Anonymous

      Strict adherence to the BRAT diet also. Banana, rice, applesauce, toast ONLY. No butter. No addins. Applesauce does not mean apples (too acidic and high fiber). I’d also add peppermint tea to settle your stomach and stay hydrated. If you want to walk on the wild side add plain broth (great to eat the rice) and maybe saltines.

    • Anon

      And if you just started taking anti-depressants, you’ll likely be lactose intolerant for about a year.

      • Anon

        I don’t think this is accurate as a general proposition. I had no such reaction.

  9. Anonymous

    How many hours of driving is too many for a road trip where you’re trying to go there and back the same day and the driving is in congested areas? Driving on 95 from DC to Philadelphia and then back to DC, on a weekday it usually takes about 3.5 hours each way though if you’re lucky it can be 3 hours and unlucky is more like 4 plus hours. This would be in Sept. so it would be normal daytime traffic without the summer road trip traffic. Would probably be in Philadelphia for about an hour and not for anything fun, more like something where I’ll be nervous going in and then possibly emotional afterwards. This used to be the type of thing I’d do via Amtrak but I’m just not wanting to do that now given that there is no masking anywhere and in Philadelphia I’d then have to take uber, likely also with an unmasked driver.

    I’d love to do this is a turnaround trip though obviously I want to be safe and not exhausted or anything. Would you do this? My parents live in the Pa. area so I could stay there the night before or after but IDK I don’t feel great about that for a variety of reasons having to do with them saying insensitive things and then gaslighting. I could of course stay in a hotel for one night too.

    • Anon8

      I would do it in one day if you’re someone who doesn’t mind driving regularly. At an old job I drove all over my state for a one hour meeting and four hours was the farthest one-way I’d go. But I’m someone who likes driving. I drove 3 hours each way to pick up a puppy with my sister last weekend, in fact. 4 hours each way *is* somewhat grueling, especially if you are alone, but it is definitely doable if you want to sleep in your own bed at the end of the day.

    • Cat

      Just take the Amtrak. On Septa and Amtrak locally I see probably a third of people masked. You will also not stick out wearing a mask around the city, I still see people wearing them around outside, and many use KN95’s when shopping or at the office even though it is not required.

      • Cat

        oh and the Ubers and Lyfts we’ve taken lately the driver has had a mask handy in case a passenger wants them to wear it.

    • Anonymous

      You sound extremely anxious about this, so I would plan to drive up the night before and stay in a hotel.

    • Anon

      I have a higher tolerance for long drives than most (during Covid, we drove ~12 -14 hours from the Midwest to Florida for a Covid safe beach vacation in one day), but I would totally do this. I mean, I wouldn’t do it for fun because it doesn’t sound fun to do all that driving for one hour in the city. But if I had an appointment I needed to go to in Philly I would have no problem driving there and back in one day, even if it took 5 hours each way. It would be preferable to me than staying overnight in a hotel.

    • Dr. The Original ...

      I don’t think that’s the real question; you said you could be emotional after. Will that make you want to drive to clear your mind or feel exhausted and want to rest. THAT is how I’d decide whether to plan for one day or plan for an overnight (or Amtrak while masked with N95). A person can likely power through but if you’ll feel wrecked, don’t put your emotions through it!

    • Anon

      The risk of an accident due to exhaustion or stress seems higher than the risk of covid. Obviously if you are immunocompromised that’s another story, but if that’s the case you might need to reconsider if this trip is necessary or worth it. The question of “how much” is individualized, but if you are already expecting to be nervous or emotional, it seems unwise to attempt this.

      • Anonymous

        That’s what stood out to me too. I’ve done plenty of work trips and meetings like this where I’m on the road the entire day. But reality is there was no stress or emotion whatsoever, it was just get in the car and listen to music for 3 hours, arrive and do the meeting usually on a topic where I had done a meeting a thousand times before, use the restroom in that office, and then hit the road again stopping someplace to get something I wanted to eat or drink on the road to keep myself happy. When you’re worried about whatever you’re going to and then on the way back worrying about whatever you’ve just heard, OP don’t minimize the effect that that type of emotion has. It does distract and exhaust you even if you don’t feel it. And being distracted on that stretch of 95 which is usually heavy traffic is not something you want. Just get yourself a hotel room. Plenty of Hampton Inns along that route which are always clean and nice without being pricey. Or if it’ll make you feel better you can always splurge on someplace nice in Philadelphia the night before.

    • Anonymous

      For a very routine work meeting or friend lunch or something, I’d go for it. For whatever you have going on which seems more important, hotel. Unless finances are truly a concern I would not stay with my parents. Last thing you need in an already stressful situation is people playing emotional games or making light of whatever is going on.

    • NYCer

      This would be way too much driving for me to do alone in one day. I would either take the train or stay over.

    • Monte

      I’m not much of a long distance driver, but I can do 10 hours a day solo without a problem. The issue to me is whether the issue you are nervous about will make the return trip too hard. Be honest and gentle with yourself and figure out whether you’ll really need to do this in a day.

    • Anonymous

      I have done up to 4 hours easy driving each way + 2 hour meeting or 3 hours easy driving each way + 4 hour meeting many times. I am always leading these meetings and they are super contentious, It would be much easier if I were just a participant and/or the meetings were friendly. Would not do more than 2 hours of DC driving each way in one day to lead a meeting longer than 1 hour. Would do up to 4 hours including DC driving each way as a participant in a meeting as long as 5 hours. The fact that I don’t sleep well in hotels factors in to my decision-making.

    • Anonymous

      If this is a court appearance where you are a party I would get a hotel room the night before so you aren’t stressed about being on time.

    • Anon

      I literally just did 6 hours of driving (round trip) for a baby shower last weekend, so I’d have no problem.

      What if you planned something fun and stress free to do in Philly before getting back on the road?

  10. Anonymous

    Does anything that works out the abdominal muscles also work out the core? Or is the core a whole different set of muscles inside? Just started a quick regimen this week of doing leg lifts, scissor kicks, and flutter kicks in the morning. Nothing crazy, just a few sets of each. I’m definitely feeling the soreness now especially in the external obliques and the upper thigh area. Overall goal isn’t anything over the top and I started doing this just because I had a realization that all I ever do to work out is walk or run with the very occasional resistance band bicep curls so maybe I should do something to keep the core strong too. Thoughts?

    • Curious

      There is definitely an inner core and and outer core, and I know you can work the latter without the former. But obliques and inner thighs hurting, to my knowledge, means you’re likely doing a good job of hitting both.

      • Curious

        Hunh. I have been told that critical muscles include the pelvic floor, glutes, and psoas, which I wouldn’t think of as abs. But maybe that’s just postpartum that you have to care about that.

    • Shelle

      Everyone thinks of the abs as our core but don’t forget the back and glute muscles! They will balance out the front core work. For example bird dogs and glute bridges work the back.

      • anon

        Yep! I like some of the exercises in Fitness Blender because they work both your abs and back mus.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Abs are one part of your core but there are several layers and locations besides just abs. In addition to the ones others mentioned, look up the TA muscle.

  11. Anon

    Trigger warning- diet talk

    For those of you who track macros/nutrition, what carb/protein/fat ratios do you go for?

    I’ve been tracking my eating this week using my fitness pal and I’m surprised that I’m going over the fat grams for my calorie target pretty regularly, while falling short on both protein and carbs. It’s mostly good fats – I eat a tiny amount (1 tsp ish) of butter with breakfast, but it’s all olive oil for the rest of the day, and whatever fat I get from mostly white chicken or lean beer, but I was just kind of wondering what other people do. I’m not the kind of person who is going to resort to lemon juice or vinegar without oil on my salads!

    • Anonymous

      It’s almost like artificially limiting fat and jacking up protein is disordered eating.

    • Seafinch

      I am not sure I can provide any good information as don’t track a lot and only occasionally when related to a specific goal or fitness fueling experiment and I don’t track by percentage but follow a fairly common weight lifting approach of consuming 1 gram per body weight pound for protein (so minimum of 170 gr of protein) and at least a 100 grams of fat, probably most commonly 118 gr. Carbs are all over the place depending on what I am playing with. I don’t eat high carb naturally and frequently it floats around 50 gr but if I am looking to make real gains in muscle or am doing a 75 Hard cycle, I can double or triple that. I am 5’8, weigh 170 and am a size 8.

    • Curious

      I struggle to get my protein over 20% and keep fat under 35%. When I succeed it’s because I really leaned into lean proteins like deli chicken, as well as supplements. But I find it’s more important to me to get a raw number of protein grams than to worry too much about percentages. All the best to you!

    • Sallyanne

      I do 40 carbs, 30 protein, 30 fat with two days of lower carb/higher fat (protein stays the same). I aim to get 30 grams of protein at each meal and another 20 or so with snacks. It’s hard to do with just whole food so I do have protein powders and a lot of egg whites.

    • Anonymous

      This is why I don’t track macros. If I eat real high-protein food I inevitably end up with twice as many grams of fat as protein. The only way to reduce that ratio is to eat fake processed stuff like protein powder, which doesn’t seem very healthy.

    • Anonymous

      No one actually knows anything about nutrition and this illustrates the point well.

      Most macro-counting plans put protein at 1.1g per kg of weight. Then fat and carbs come after, for me that’s 132g protein, 180g carbs, 46g fat. About 1660 calories. But the goal is to meet calories and protein, and let fat/carbs fall where they may.

      Low carb plans say a *lot* less carbs. Atkins said 20g of carbs in phase 1, and 50g in phase 2.

      I recently bought a menopause weight loss plan that had protein around 40, fat super high, and carbs filling in the rest.

      Who’s right? It’s all trial and error. It all comes down to how you can eat happily for the longest time and stay within calories if weight loss is your goal. I think a lot of protein is good for satiety and muscle growth so I tend to fall on the side of really high protein (chicken, egg whites, and yes whey protein, which sure is processed but so is most things I eat because I value convenience to grab and low time to make).

      • Sallyanne

        Absolutely agree that is a lot of trial and error and what may be working for you at this point may change in 6 months. It can be a lot of work to figure out. I think a lot of people just give up or hopefully resort to focusing on whole foods. I enjoy trying to optimize around which and how many of each foods make me feel the best.

    • Anonymous

      Oh and if I get sick of whey protein I use powdered PB in my FFGY and/or overnight oats instead. Also cottage cheese is another cheap and easy source with very high protein!

  12. Dr. The Original ...

    Lots of stories lately of job loss and stress about it. Let’s see if we can shine some light into this awful experience!

    Please share a story of a time you’ve been fired and it worked out to your benefit. It sounds like more than one has gone through this lately and maybe these stories will help reassure our members now and in the future if we refer people back to the thread when needed.

    • Anon

      Thank you for asking. I was laid off at my prior company near the beginning of the pandemic. It was dysfunctional at all levels above my level, and I had been unhappy for a while and would have straight up quit, but I had contingent compensation I didn’t want to leave behind, I was worried my staff would get laid off if I quit. So I let it be known these were the two things keeping me there, the company made me a surprisingly generous severance offer, along with some promises about my staff, and I was happily on my way.

      Two years later my staff are there, working for the replacement manager I helped choose for them, and by all reports very job-secure. As for me, I started my own consultancy. I had a couple of clients right away, and eventually generated enough clients that I’m working about half-time, which was my intention, and I can turn away work that doesn’t suit me.

      Funnily enough my former employer approached me about consulting for them, so I guess they did need me after all!

    • Anonymous

      I worked for a self important *ss that fired me the day before my probationary period ended so I wasn’t entitled to severance. Well I’m much further along in my career now and I get to throw his resume in the trash every time it comes across my desk.

      • Wheels

        Love this!

        I had a nasty boss who tried to do this to me but I had tonsillitis that day so she was a day too late and I received the severance. It was a terrible job and I cried on the way to work most days but didn’t want to quit as it was only my second job. I told how how to pronounce my name correctly when she got it wrong (my name has two easy syllables) and she made me stand in front of her and pronounce her seven syllable Greek surname three times fast. Who does that?!

        The minute news got out that I’d been sacked, I had calls from people I’d dealt with whilst working in that job and was offered a job paying 25% more, working with great people, great perks and I loved that new job.

      • Anon

        Unrelated to layoffs, I used to work with a guy where he wasn’t my boss but he was a level above me, and I was in a role where I had to provide sign offs for his pricing. Through the course of our working relationship he yelled at me, insulted me, belittled me, went over my head, and flat out lied to me. On one deal the fact that he lied to me came out after he left the company for greener pastures and we were stuck holding the bag on a very large, very unprofitable deal. My sign off on that deal caused me to have to defend myself by digging into the facts and finding the the had only given me partial information, which was a very stressful experience.

        Years later, the head of office role was available at my location and he applied for it. He told HR/recruiting “ask Anon, she’ll vouch for me.” So they came to me, and I was honest and provided documentation. I also mentioned that he had regularly called me a b1tch and a c-unt to my face, lord knows what he said behind my back. He did not get the job!

        The narcissism of this POS to think that our working relationship was just fine if not positive!

    • Anon

      I graduated from law school in 2010, so it was a rough economy. The firm I summered at in ’09 only made about 20% of the summer associates offers and I didn’t get one. After law school I had to pay the bills so I took a job at a small firm where the junior associates got no training and were expected to do very substantive work. It probably would have been a good environment for some people who thrive on taking on new challenges, but it was terrible for people like me with imposter syndrome. I felt like I was committing malpractice every day, and in hindsight I think I sort of was. We were also expected to bring in business, but again, given zero business development training or coaching. It was also a “churn and burn” place where they were constantly bringing in new associates and firing ones who’d been there ~6-12 months and hadn’t developed a book of business. I was “laid off” (really fired, but they did me a kindness by calling it a layoff) after almost exactly 6 months. Financially, it was stressful, but I was living with my now-husband so we had his grad student income to fall back on, and I was able to collect unemployment. The firm paid so poorly that California unemployment was actually more than half of what I had been making at the firm – with zero work involved. And about 6 months after getting fired I managed to get a job at a Big Law firm, making $160,000/year which made me feel like I had won the lottery. I left Big Law for personal reasons after 5 years and don’t regret it but I actually really loved my Big Law job. The hours were long, but I was super well-compensated, the work was very interesting, I got to do lots of interesting, high level things (including taking and defending depositions and arguing motions in court) but I actually got training before doing them and I was heavily supervised, and my colleagues were smart and nerdy like me and for the most part nice people. It was a really great way to spend the latter half of my 20s.

  13. Anon

    How do y’all manage dental anxiety? I’m going for a cleaning for the first time in 18 months on Monday morning and have already started having nervous thoughts. I have had a couple of scary and painful experiences. I did a lot of research to find a dentist in my city who is good with patients who have dental anxiety, but does anyone have any tried and true tips?

    • Senior Attorney

      Call ahead and ask to have novocaine injections for the cleaning. It’s a real game-changer.

    • Anonymous

      noise cancelling headphones with favorite music and something to squeeze because i tend to clench my hands. Also i found if you tell them you have bad anxiety they will try to go quickly/be extra gentle (if you are at a good place).

    • Anon

      My dental work has been so much more pleasant since I started wearing sunglasses. I’m pretty light sensitive and hated staring into the bright lights. If I had anxiety, I’d definitely wear headphones and listen to something relaxing or distracting.

        • Anon

          Never! I’ve been to a lot of dentists (10+) and never had a single one offer this.

          • Anon

            Weird! I feel like all the dentists I’ve been to have offered me sunglasses.

    • Anon

      I would talk to them in advance. My dentist offers blankets! Just something to feel more comfortable. Good luck – you can do this!

    • eertmeert

      My dentist offers blankets, sunglasses and there’s always the option to listen to music on my headphones. Years ago before smart phones were a thing he let me listen to his ipod. (Been going to the same office for the last 20 + years). They also offer a numbing mouth rinse for cleanings and I do sedation when having a bigger deal appointment like a cavity or crown. I arrive 45 min early, take a pill in the waiting room, and am woozy during the appointment. I definitely listen to music too. From there the work goes very quickly and feels far away, so I don’t get my usual overwhelming anxiety with drilling etc. I get a ride home and take a nap.

  14. Anon

    Posted too late in the morning post:

    I have been living with family since c0vid, which has been saving me a ton of money. (I make about 60k annually.) I grew up poor so savings has been big for me and I have anxiety about spending much.

    However, I am about 40 and an introvert and I just need my own space. I found an apartment and applied in excitement, but while waiting for approval, I am now feeling anxious about spending so much more monthly and the change of moving a couple of hours away (near friends I have been driving weekly to visit).

    I have been talking about this with my therapist but am also wondering if anyone has experiences or thoughts or advice on financial anxiety or change anxiety or feeling better about spending money on myself that isn’t 100% mandatory to do?

    • Anon

      You deserve a place of your own! Your mental health is a 100% necessary thing to spend money on, and that includes having your own space.

      • Anon

        I understand what you’re saying but I completely disagree. People move in with family as adults for all different and very valid reasons. Your own place is a luxury and never mandatory.

    • Seafinch

      I grew up poor and we saved a pile of cash on childcare over Covid (Nanny had a break down and quit, no inventory during never ending lockdowns). I could have continued to white knuckle it and maximize the savings but knew it was coming at a cost to me so we arranged care and I just reminded myself it was an unplanned windfall and some phases of life are more expensive than others but it all just costs money and I deserved the break.

      • Coar

        I try to see the money I saved by living at home during covid as like an unexpected windfall, and just of course don’t expect to save as much now that I’m paying rent.

    • Monte

      I grew up poor too but the most important thing for my mental health is living alone, so I’ve never had anxiety around rent. That said, I also grew up with a family that said you can always come home if things don’t work out. So can you return home if this experiment doesn’t work out or the financials get you down? For me, having that backstop has also lessened any concern about how much I’m spending – my rent won’t automatically lead to financial ruin, which helps a lot.

    • Anon

      You’ve earned your own space! It’s normal to get cold feet when deciding to move, but those feelings will pass. It sounds like a great opportunity for you and it will be wonderful to live so much closer to your friends.

  15. Senior Attorney

    I’ve banked with ally.com for years but they are in the midst of a customer service disaster and I am ready to jump ship. Looking for a new bank for everyday checking as well as savings, preferably for multiple accounts or at least some kind of multiple “buckets” for various savings goals. Also want ATM fee reimbursement and low or no fees.

    What online bank do you use and why do you like it?

    • Anon

      We have all this with Wells Fargo. I fully realize they’ve had their own issues, but there’s a branch down the street from us where we have a personal banker we like a lot, and ATMs all over the US.

      • Anon

        Wells Fargo definitely doesn’t reimburse ATM fees. In fact, they tack on their own. Wells Fargo will charge you a fee every chance they get.

    • Anon

      Also an Ally user so I’m curious about what’s wrong with it. I heard from my husband something about debit card fraud recently, so we blocked debit card use, which I think should help with this (we don’t use them at all). I also have an account with USAA, but not sure if that’s open to you, and we use Ally for savings because the interest rate is so much higher.

      • Senior Attorney

        Check out all the complaints on Twitter. You can. not. reach. customer service at all. You’ll be on hold for an hour and then they come on and say “Sorry, we have no reps. Try again later.” Same with online chat. Ugh. Just, no.

    • Curious

      I hate Ally customer service with an absolute passion. I like Schwab. I don’t know whether it’s easy to have bucket accounts (it probably is), but the ATM reimbursement and low fees are for sure in place.
      Best of luck!

  16. Wheels

    No thanks to a sheer shirt. They don’t do this to men, why do it to women?
    I was decent quality fabric where I don’t have to worry about underwear, extra sun protection or anything other than machine washing.

    • Dr. The Original ...

      Um, sorry but you are wrong and Right Said Fred would like a word with you to prove it.

      (Also, total agreement with you)

    • Anon

      I have this shirt, it’s not sheer. It’s actually quite lovely and one of my current MVPs.

  17. anon

    long shot question!

    we started watching Instinct. there’s a great episode with Lizzie and her sister both have gorgeous blue bags. Lizzie bag is light blue with side zips. her sister has a great bright blue bag.

    anyone know the brands?

    • anon

      season 1 episode 3 for reference. I’ve tried worn on tv and similar sites to no avail.

    • Anonymous

      Down load the actual Google app on your phone. When you open the app to the right of the microphone next to the search box is a little camera icon. Next time you see the bag take a picture of it on the app. It will tell you the brand and where to buy it. I do this all the time. It’s awesome.

  18. Anon

    Has anyone recently obtained a mortgage online? We’re in the market but moved recently so don’t have a local bank. Considering all options including online banks. What are the pros and cons? We have excellent credit and a large down payment if that makes a difference. HCOL area. Thanks!

    • Anon

      I went through Morty (online mortgage broker) and got a Rocket Mortgage loan and it was awesome! Morty was able to get me by far the best deal/rate, it was super quick (we went from quote to close in less than 30 days), and easy. Not an ad- I’m just really glad I stumbled upon them. Haven’t had any issues with my mortgage, using the online company.

  19. social bonding at work

    A bit of a rant: why is it always the women who do the social bonding things at work? And this is more than just asking a random woman to do it, it’s expected in all people manager roles at my company. Managers are expected to ensure social bonding happens… and yet somehow, it’s always the female managers that make it happen. The male managers often just tag onto whatever the female managers are doing. It shows up in the performance reviews and feedback, it shows up in team turnover, and yet it never seems to actually have consequences for the manager.

    My manager runs an organization of 40+ people. She has now explicitly assigned all of her direct reports to plan a dinner for their teams at an upcoming off-site. The three female managers immediately replied in the thread and it’s clear that we’ll have nice dinners planned for our teams. I can pretty much guarantee that at least one of the male managers will ask us for a list of restaurants that we looked at for our dinners, or just make a reservation at the same place. And it seems petty to not share our research, since it’s in our team culture to do that. But man, I really just want him to have to find a place by himself, ask his team for their dietary restrictions himself, and actually make the stupid reservation himself.

    The hard part is that I like planning the social bonding, hosting the social bonding, and going above-and-beyond for social bonding. So does my manager. And we’re both widely regarded as excellent managers who care about our teams, people are loyal to us, talented people in the organization want to come to our teams, etc. I don’t want to just not do the social bonding work because I do think it’s recognized, I like doing it, and I don’t think it takes away too much from my ability to do “actual” work. But the fact that my male colleague(s) don’t do it and it doesn’t seem to be hurting them at all means that the social bonding tasks don’t actually matter as much as leadership says they do. Otherwise, they wouldn’t get strong performance ratings and they wouldn’t keep expanding their teams (despite their direct reports’ feedback that they don’t have high trust with their managers, they don’t have high cohesion on the team, etc.). And they see turnover on their teams, so this is not a fluffy thing! People leaving has costs!

    So yeah, I don’t know what the answer is, other than just not sharing any restaurant recs with this fellow when he inevitably asks.

    • ArenKay

      I’m sure you know the answer to your question: s3xism at work. It is irritating; you should take comfort in your own skills as a manager and try to thread the needle between helpfulness and exploitation. I think you should just not volunteer anything re research or instructions for doing a good dinner; if he chases you down with questions, you can answer them (imagine it is a deposition and answer only the question asked, do not volunteer extra information). And no need to rush on replies right away. You are busy and have your own team to manage! In other words, do not make it easy for him to take you for granted. (If you think you wouldn’t be criticized for accidentally losing an email request for help in your inbox, go for it.) Good luck; you are right to be annoyed.

  20. Anon

    I’ve got some photos I want to print as 11″x14″ for framing. Ordered initially from Costco and am disappointed by the thin paper. What better options are out there?

  21. Anon

    Why are questions in mod so long? I genuinely don’t get it. I asked a basic question and it’s been 3 hours now.

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