Weekend Open Thread
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I wasn't sure what to make of the sweater vest trend last year — if it continued I kind of expected one of the subtrends to be a winner by now. Oversized? Vest? Cropped? Yet they're all still around! I'd put this one in the “oversized” bucket, but I like that neither the V nor the arm holes are so low that you NEED to wear something under it. So you can wear it by itself, as pictured, for a nice last hurrah into summer – or you can add it on top of a button-front shirt. (I always love this look under a blazer or overcoat, too.)
The sweater comes in three colors, in regular and plus sizes, at Nordstrom; most colors are $59.
(If you like the color but want something sexier, I loooove this one from Malene Birger.)
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Sales of note for 12.5
- Nordstrom – Cyber Monday Deals Extended, up to 60% off thousands of new markdowns — great deals on Natori, Vince, Theory, Boss, Cole Haan, Tory Burch, Rothy's, and Weitzman, as well as gift ideas like Barefoot Dreams and Parachute — Dyson is new to sale, 16-23% off, and 3x points on beauty purchases.
- Ann Taylor – up to 50% off everything
- Banana Republic Factory – up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
- Design Within Reach – 25% off sitewide (including reader-favorite office chairs Herman Miller Aeron and Sayl!) (sale extended)
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
- Steelcase – 25% off sitewide, including reader-favorite office chairs Leap and Gesture (sale extended)
- Talbots – 40% off your entire purchase and free shipping $125+
I know that there are some ASD and neurodiverse readers on this blog. Do you have any advice for the parent of an ASD-1 girl who got diagnosed right before middle school and the pandemic starting (so it feels like we’ve been in a holding pattern re trying to get local schools restarted, trying to join any local ASD social skills groups (there are few for girls and they gave up zooming; maybe this year?). Kiddo is just miserable — middle school is new, friends are scattered and few, hormones don’t help the feelings of just fitting in nowhere. I don’t know exactly what do to (and neither does her PCP; the developmental ped we just saw just nodded when I said that we don’t fit in anywhere — not severely disabled (lots for that group locally, which makes sense), not a boy, etc., etc.). Words of advice welcome — I want her to find her people and not give up. And I hope it doesn’t take until college (and that we get her ready to leave the nest).
I think I’ve posted this before but another parents friend with an ASD-1 boy (11) suggested that we try this for my ASD-1 kiddo – Outschool (dot com) – search “social skills strategies”
The other advice I’ve gotten is to lean into the special interests – what does she like/is passionate about? Can she take an acting/computer/knitting/coding/lego building/book reading/poetry writing/makeup class? Finding an activity where she can thrive will really help with confidence. Often sports/teams are great for this too – there *is* social interaction but it’s more focused on the game/play/skill and then everyone is working together to achieve a thing/get better at a skill vs. totally open ended conversation (which can be more challenging)
Based purely on anecdata, her peers may not be diagnosed yet. I have a friend who received her autism diagnosis a week before we graduated college, and was told that this happens frequently to girls (or did when we were middle schoolers). Maybe she’ll lead the way for her age group? But I know it’s lonely. I’ll be thinking of you.
I’d try to help her arrange get togethers with the ‘scattered’ friends on weekends as well as finding some kind of outlet outside of school. ( If she got diagnosed right before middle school and the pandemic starting does that mean she is almost done with middle school? I’m a little confused on timing) also, middle school is miserable for so many (myself included) and i didn’t really find my crew until college and the best thing my parents could’ve done for me was not make me feel badly for not having a huge circle of friends. They were very social people and while in retrospect i can see that they meant well, i felt a lot of pressure to always have social plans
OP here, reading all this with interest. These are her words, roughly, that she feels lonely and is desperate for human connections in real life. Her old friends are probably being polite, but are always “busy.” I know the parents and while we used to connect, I think they have moved on (not in a mean way). She has a Tumbler account and is so eager for any attention that I very carefully monitor for any internet creeps (but it feels like an important outlet to let her have since she’s no on Insta or anything else). This year more activities are happening (all at the same time, it seems) so we are going to try some new things and see if anything sticks. Wish us luck!
Online friends can be great friends! Sounds like you’re a great mom.
mom to an autistic 7yo boy, so take this with a grain of salt…
– help her identify sensitivities – lights, sound, fabric, tags, etc – they all might grate against her daily and if she can communicate those to the people around her (friends, teachers, parents) then it will help. she might not even realize that it’s not as annoying to everyone around her (and think other people just manage the annoyance better). maybe take her for an occupational therapy consult to help her in this.
– girls are often late diagnosed because they can mask a lot – be OK if she stops doing it at home, and understand that if there’s pressure on her to mask (be social, act like others, fit in) it’s going to lead to a lot of exhaustion and probably meltdowns
– as a mom I’d join the FB group “Autistic Allies” or “Autism Inclusivity” to listen to what adult autistics say. Don’t post yourself until you get the hang of what the group is like, they are generally not friendly to parents. Also look on FB to see if there are local autism groups, there probably are.
– be wary of any therapy or group that tries to change her to fit in such as by masking or suppressing stims. she’s a PC, others are Macs, and both operating systems are ok.
– hashtags to look up: #actuallyautistic #neurodivergent — and try to avoid anything with Autism Speaks. i saw this woman speak a while ago, she might be a good one to follow.
https://www.bustle.com/p/im-a-female-autistic-lawyer-every-day-i-have-to-counter-these-stereotypes-17130613
I did a training on autism awareness this week and they showed some videos from Agony Autie on Youtube and I thought they were very accessible. I sent them to my husband (early 30s Aspbergers dx) and he really liked them.
oh and as a mom to ANY teenage girl but especially an autistic one – i’d watch her social media / iphone camera like a hawk and really limit who can interact with her. autistic kids are often abused or taken advantage of (many are even taught compliance as part of ABA therapy and so forth).
OP here: 1000% agree. She is really, really eager to have a close friend and make human connections, and often I think that what screams grooming to me is just friendly interest from someone who says their are also a middle school girl. She also has been reluctant to get people “in trouble” before if she had been hit in school (bullying, not just name calling but being punched, was a problem in school before). So every night the phone lives in my room and I scan it. But we also try to talk a lot. It is hard because I also see the heartfelt texts that get lukewarm replies days later. She is really trying to make connections. Her heart loved having one or two close friends before and I am hoping she makes a good connection b/c my best middle school friends are still important parts of my life and my whole life has been enriched by knowing them and their families.
You sound like a great mom but I wonder if your daughter is aware that for some of your very closest friends you met them in middle school? She may be seeing your life and wondering what hers will be like if she doesn’t have close middle school friends like you did. Maybe not the case but perhaps something to think about. If that’s happening it might be just worth encouraging her that people meet their best friends at all stages!
Don’t force her to make friends. I spent my whole childhood being chastised for my lack of friends, but not a single compliment on being top of the class or my other very numerous accomplishments. Eventually I found my people in gifted/ advanced classes, since those are really just special Ed for the other end of the spectrum.
Speech pragmatics is a kind of speech therapy that is heavy on social expectations. It should be available anywhere.
I hope it doesn’t take till college. I will say that my SLAC was about a million times better an experience than in-person school. If in-person school were anything similar, I would have stayed in school!
Personally when I was old enough to keep up with academics with only online classes and tutors, I quit attending in-person school. This let me play to my strengths which were largely academic (and even without attending high school, I got merit based scholarships, though I know the world has changed a lot since then).
I made friends through my interests. Even if someone else who knows an absurd amount about e.g. astronomy is totally allistic or even NT, there’s a lot more to work with with shared interests. (And at young ages, they’re often not totally NT, even if they’re just an advanced learner or weirdly high IQ or something more like that.) I didn’t fit in anywhere normal. But theater, the art studio, nature center, and large portions of academia aren’t particularly normal, and that’s fine. I spent plenty of time at the library. For me pottery, painting, beekeeping, cooking from scratch, gardening, language learning were all ways of engaging in the community for me. I married a friend I met through an elective. People I met through interests are still my friends today.
I needed really excellent medical care (the hormone stuff I was going through wasn’t just the typical issues; I had hypermobility, insulin resistance, autoimmunity, lots of stuff that was only just beginning when I was a young teen). I sincerely hope that’s not going on, but it’s wise to know in general going forward in life that ASD health and risk factors can be different from the allistic norms that med school focused on. That part of being a teen was not easy at all.
Ooof, I have a lot of sympathy. DS is a middle school boy with ADHD (not the same, I realize), and the social situation has not been great. I think, as parents, the best thing we can do is to be a safe landing spot and not force things too much. Remind her of all her wonderful attributes, as differently wired kids tend to get criticized quite a bit.
He is currently getting politely brushed off by a friend from sixth grade, and it’s so hard to watch. Other kid is not mean at all, but he’s clearly moved on.
I don’t love how much time he spends on his phone, but it is keeping him socially connected to classmates and people he met at summer camp, so I choose not to fight that battle.
I’m not going to pretend to have a magical answer, because I do not, but things that are helping my kid. He may not have a best friend, but he’s not actively miserable at the moment: attending church youth group (tbh, we force this on him), joining an academic club that meets after school and doing all the music ensembles (his choice), and having relationships with our neighbors, close family friends, and cousins. I figure all the separate groups are a good thing to keep him getting too invested in any one area.
I hear social skills training mentioned a lot and I am somewhat dubious about the effectiveness. DS has taken part in some of these programs. He knows the “rules,” but executing them in the moment is another matter. They’re also presented from the adult standpoint, which is quite different from how real tweens and teens actually communicate with one another.
Oh! I don’t know about your daughter, but my son needs a whole lot of downtime on the weekends to recalibrate after a week of being “on” at school. I am choosing to let that happen, even if I want to force family fun togetherness, haha.
The first question is – what does she like to do? What does she enjoy? Most middle schools have clubs and after-school groups. Get her to sign up and participate – that will add connection and activity to find people with common interests. Girl scouts can be pretty fabulous at this age with the caveat that it may be more of a regional group. 4-H is best known for agriculture, but it has evolved to include things like robotics and STEAM options – even if she likes to bake, the fairs have low-key competitions that, once items are dropped off (one-on-one) . Venture scouts are co-ed, and start at…14. If you have a faith community, most have tween and teen groups that alternate between learning something and doing something fun.
If she would like to work on leadership skills, Toastmasters has a youth contingent. In the adult group from my old neighborhood, we had a parent-and-adult child dyad, and both would make progress and get lots of encouragement as they worked on individual projects. Many meetings have online options, which might be less stimulating, and it’s about personal development at your own speed – and people are much warmer than peers at school.
Second, does she have any causes that she might like to volunteer for? A mixed-age group that regularly meets to make sandwiches for the nearby shelter, or gets together to fold and stuff mailings for the local animal shelter, or sort donations.
And finally – have you thought about asking the guidance counselor or local library for space/programming for this area of ability? It’s the space where people with disabilities often “pass”, so it needs to be a safe space to let your guard down and talk about their lived experience. For the Guidance Counselor, have them invite a college student from a local campus with a DREAM group, or Delta Alpha Pi Honor Society to get them thinking about college. Lydia X Y Brown may be someone the legal people are aware of – a sage with a good website that publicly claims ASD. Also not a bad idea to see if someone from the local library would start have a parent and tween book discussion group like Mockingbird, or split the room on discussing 10 Things Kids with ASD Wish Their Parents Knew. Just floating balloons.
Mom of a 33 year old male ASD 1 here, with years of struggle, but now just fine. First, go to AANE dot org and read and join AANE. Call, and ask to speak to someone about your daughter. You will find lots of empathy, ideas and hope. Does your daughter have any particular interests? Talk to her guidance counselor, and ask if they know of another child with the same interests. It is easier often to connect around an interest. Longing and loneliness are typical feelings for people on the spectrum: so hard for them to connect, but so longing to do so. Look for meet up groups in your area for her interests. My son did an internship of sorts with an autism social skills organization and “helped” with a kids social skills group. He learned social skills that way. Find a psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in ASD children and ask for guidance. They will know local resources. Please let us know where you live–there may be readers with local knowledge who can help. Hang in there, and watch for depression. That is the real scary level of despair. xoxox
I was that girl growing up. It may not feel like it now but you’re already off to a great start by having it recognized so you can start understanding it. I spent my entire youth banging my head against walls trying to be normal, failing, and wondering why I just could Not get along with other kids the way everyone else seemed to. It was /rough/. Imo, what would have helped me the most were
1. Skill-based hobbies, where my social skills being weak could at least be set aside for a while and at least I could be praised for what I was good at. For me, it was piano – she probably already has her own interests, try and find out what they are, support them, get her enrolled in classes, camps, anything that gets her around peers who also have and/or value those skills – other people may not understand much about me, but even the most neurotypical pianists can still relate and empathize with the challenges of playing certain pieces and the elation when you finally get it right – those kinds of skill -based peers really helped bridge the gaps in general lacks of connection.
2. Low social expectations. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should make your daughter a shut-in — in fact, I’d argue that for me, I have to meet More people than the average person in order to find people I get along with, so I have to do more socializing to find a few good friends here and there – but if people expect me to go to events or classes and come out with more than 1 or 2 friends out of like 50 people, that’s a tall order (I’d say I really click with one out of every 250 people that I meet, maybe less). Even then, those friendships will probably be a little more distant than what you’d expect them to be. Let her set the tone for how often she wants to see her friends, or not, I personally don’t like to see most people more than once a week at the most.
3. Neurodiverse peers. I’ve found that almost 99% of people I ever really get the chance to get to know also happen to be either have severe ADHD, autism, or both. I never try to guess if people are or aren’t one way or another before they disclose it themselves to me, and I don’t try to avoid getting to know neurotypical people, but we typically just don’t connect in the same way (sorry – nothing against y’all, I want to, it’s just a me thing – maybe one day I’ll figure it out). Growing up exclusively around very, very normal children (or if any were autistic, were all much better at masking than I was) without really any reason or explanation as to why it always seemed like we were all on separate planets for no reason I could discern with the information I had at the time, was so frustrating. Having at least two friends who thought like I did, and the knowledge that everyone’s brains work differently so it’s OK to not think like everyone else, would have relieved a lot of the pressure I put on myself to try to fit in.
At the end of the day, acceptance is the name of the game. I don’t mind how I am. There are few situations where my autism is a detriment to my functioning because now I set the rules of how I interact/engage with people, pick jobs that I know will work well with my particular quirks, and don’t beat myself up for not clicking with everyone I meet. There’s a lot of neurodivergent people that I don’t click with either. We just all have our differences, it’s OK – it doesn’t mean it’s a failing on my part or anything wrong with them – just really accepting that reduced 80% of my external autism struggles.
OK Wise Hive – I am planning my fall and winter wardrobe on the theory that it will someday cool down enough to wear it (I live in Southern California). What is the prevailing wisdom on what we are covering our legs with in skirts and dresses this season? Tights feel out of date but maybe it is just my eyes.
It’s too soon. You don’t need tights until after Thanksgiving. I’m also a Californian – mostly Bay Area but lots of travel to LA/OC.
True! But a girl can dream.
Following with interest.
I was firmly on Team Pants last winter (in the frigid upper Midwest). The few times I saw tights in the wild it looked very dated. I liked the look of a chelsea boot with a wide or barrel leg ankle length pant, at least in theory, but could not make peace with the idea of cold ankles.
i don’t get this. Tights are tights? They are normal seasonal leg coverings, not really a trend. I say this as someone who vastly prefers pants because I can never find tights that I actually like to wear.
I am old enough to remember when we wore panty hose and opaque tights were for children. And I was guilty of wearing my hose far longer than I should have because it felt juvenile to wear tights but my early law firm training was adamant that bare legs were not acceptable in a professional setting. (Fun fact – my early-90’s law firm dress code prohibited us from wearing pants and mandated panty hose.)
I kind of get it. Tights were so ubiquitous about a decade ago (together with the sheath + cardi or a colorful pencil skirt and ballet flats) that they can feel tired even though I don’t think of them as trendy.
I’d moved away from dresses and skirts to almost exclusively pants outfits in winter by the 2019-2020 winter (my most recent one in office attire) and don’t see that changing this fall.
I don’t get this either. If you are going to wear a dress in the winter what else are your options? Saying tights are dated is then basically saying dresses in the winter are dated? Unless you are trying to imply panty hose are where it’s at again.
Panty hose, micro fishnets, longer skirts with boots. There are plenty of options.
Not to start the generation discussion, but I think those of you who are under 40 (or maybe even under 50) do not have an appreciation for the fact that for decades tights really were considered appropriate only for children and ballet dancers.
And now I feel old!
Right, but I’d be shocked if the same people saying tights look dated would say pant hose would not look dated.
It was hard for me to see tights as something grown women wear for a long time.
Knee high boots with a wider shaft seem to be back in. I have a fair amount of knee high boots (they’re good for winter!). I’m pairing them with midi skirts/dresses for a more modern look (vs with colored pencil skirts, or ‘the skirt’ as I did in the aughts). The college kids also seem to have rediscovered patterned tights so I’m taking that as a sign that I can break out my micro fishnets again for fall!
Socks! Short, or long and scrunched, or long in all sorts of fabrics from ribbed to stocking-like thin fabric.
My friend just posted a bunch of photos on Instagram with the heading “Black Tights Are Back Yay!”
Related to the poster earlier today who was looking for sturdy pet-friendly bedding….has anyone had success with the Burrow Nomad & cats who will not be dissuaded from scratching furniture? Burrow claims the fabric is indestructible by claws and I have ordered some samples to try to test this out but I’d like to hear from real life purchasers if possible.
As for training the cat to stop scratching furniture….I have used every spray, sticky tape, obnoxious noisemaker, and training method under the sun and she just won’t stop. Have had her since she was a tiny kitten and she’s 8 now. I did train her to scratch her post by giving her treats when she does it, but now she just starts scratching the couch in order to get me to stand up, then runs over to the post and scratches for treats…
No feedback, but I can commiserate. Cats love scratching a good solid couch arm rest.
Weird question. I am a very sweet, people-pleasing person. Many people have told me I’m the kindest/nicest person they’ve ever met. BUT I feel that the way I communicate when I’m angry is somehow very volatile or creates a lot of conflict, and I can’t quite figure out why. I try to use “I” statements to communicate feelings, I try to be clear about boundaries and what I’d like to see different in the future. And yet,I feel like it tends to provoke a reaction in which people get defensive or, alternately, angry at me in return.
I lost a few college friends last year after confronting them about something they’d done that hurt me (deciding they didn’t want to go on a trip anymore due to COVID concerns, but not telling me in advance, when I was the only one flying out for the trip). I think I said something along the lines of “In the future, would it be possible to communicate clearly and in advance about this sort of thing? I am the only person who is flying out and did most of the planning, and it is a lot of money/time/energy that I invested.” One of the friends was absolutely livid, wouldn’t talk to me for a week, and then proceeded to call our other friends telling them he was “done” with me and that it wasn’t worth it to him to continue a friendship.
This has happened in my romantic relationship, as well as in my friendships. I feel like maybe even if I’m using “I” statements, the intensity and speed with which I speak may make people aware that I’m angry, and that unnerves people. Another friend has remarked, after seeing me confront someone in person, that there was no issue with the content of my words, but that I am so nice most of the time that it’s unnerving when I’m angry.
I feel that I’ve build a narrative about my way of communicating anger that I spew angry tirades or have rage issues, and that it complicates/ruins relationships. This was definitely true when I was young (high school) but I feel like I’ve worked a lot on my communication, and yet still seem to provoke very intense reactions when I try to tell people how I feel. Is it men being uncomfortable with feelings (my boyfriend gets very overwhelmed when I say things like, “It makes me anxious when you’re late” for example)? Or is it that most people really limit the extent to which they talk about them feeling hurt, even with “I” statements, and I’m violating an unspoken rule when I say things directly?
Does anyone else have this issue? I feel like I am scared to ever talk to people about how I feel or when I’m hurt in close friendships or relationships now, as it seems like it almost always does more harm than good.
The honest truth is that no one wants to hear about anyone else’s feelings. They just want to talk about their own.
Hi, you’re me! People are so used to seeing me roll over that establishing a boundary makes them very uncomfortable. They lash out rather than look at themselves, knowing that they obviously pushed the issue way too far. They also hope that lashing out will cause the status quo ante – you being far too kind – to resume.
This is what I was thinking. I called one of my long time friends out for lying to me and taking advantage of my trust and she acknowledged that she wrong and apologized. I accepted her apology and said that we were good but then she never wanted to speak to me again after that. So frustrating.
+1, and now that I nicely have asserted more how I really feel (not in a negative way) to a friend who told me I am the nicest person she knows, she now is not calling me basically at all, and is making frequent statements (excuses) that “life has been overwhelming, “oh how could I have forgotten to tell you I was having surgery, I really thought I told you, etc, but she told all her other friends she was having surgery. She texts on my birthday morning to say she was taking me out for my birthday (her wealthy parents give her lots of financial support and she makes twice what I make), but that never happens each time she says it. Years ago when she started only calling very infrequently, I told her it hurt me and that if the friendship is not what she wants to continue than to please just tell me, and she vehemently protested that was not the case and got better at keeping in contact. She has been an incredible friend throuh a few years of very rough times I had (caretaking parents/friend) and now that things are much less stressful (except covid!!!) she just seems to be slowly disappearing. Please advise on my approach: I have initiated much less contact thinking that if I have to do all the contacting its not a friendship that holds much value for her, and it will give her time to miss me OR she will realize she does not want to continue our friendship. Also, i have been more open about my faith life,eg. like how grateful I am because it has gotten me through covid but never pressuring her about religion. Wondering if she didnt like that or it just made her uncomfortable? Thoughts, please?
It sounds like your college friends were ready to end the friendship if they all decided to cancel a trip without telling you, FWIW. That’s ok. Not every friendship survives the circumstances that formed it.
My two second reaction to your description is that you spend too much time thinking about how to be angry and not enough time just letting your feelings out, low key, when they occur. BF is late? Were you really worried about his safety (anxious), or actually just annoyed he didn’t get his butt out of the house on time? Why not just say “hey, what happened that you’re [so] late?” and go from there?
For the friend trip, I probably would have said “wtf, when were you going to tell me, after I landed?” but tbh it sounds like there is more to the story with that one…
+1 to Cat’s 2nd paragraph. I’m very bad at this myself, OP, and it’s counterintuitive, but being slightly visibly annoyed with my husband when he does something annoying has improved our relationship by leaps and bounds. It’s okay to not be okay with everything. But I feel for you and I’ll be thinking of you.
From what you’ve posted here there isn’t any problem with your communication, it’s just that the people you’re communicating with expect to steamroll you and are upset you don’t let it happen.
+1. They are trying to continue the status quo of taking advantage of you.
Hard to know without seeing this all firsthand, but here are some thoughts as a fellow “nice” person.
1. Tone does matter. On their face, your words about the trip seem fine and reasonable, but your delivery could be off. Was that the full extent of the conversation? Or did it continue? If they didn’t react how you wanted them to (presumably, by apologizing – again, reasonable!) what was your reaction? Did you get heated? Keep raising the point? Or did you say your piece and move on? Just musing here bc that is a very outsized reaction by your friend, which leads me to…
2. Is it possible that due to your kind (perhaps even passive) nature, you have attracted a lot of people to your life who are in turn attracted to you because they can take control or walk all over you and nothing ever comes of it? They are people who cannot handle any pushback which is why they gravitate toward friends you don’t offer any. And / or they are people who can never admit when they are wrong and getting called out, even if nicely and reasonably, is too much for their egos to handle so they cut and run.
I may be entirely off base, just two things that came to mind as I read your post.
This doesn’t sound like it’s about communication style. Just a guess but have you ever read about co-dependency? I’d read a bit and see if it resonates.
This is hard to say without knowing you, and perhaps people who know you in person could provide greater feedback. My mom falls into this category of super, duper sweet but not great at expressing herself at times, so I’ll share my observations and you can decide if any of them fit.
1. People really aren’t used to you speaking your mind, so it really is that unnerving. Or they think you’re more easygoing than you are.
2. You don’t approach it as a conversation, you’re approaching it as “here’s what you’ve done wrong and how I feel about it.” Even “I” statements can come across that way. Sometimes, seeking clarification or showing emotion at the moment is better than a big confrontation after the fact. Not sure if the college trip situation falls into this category or not.
3. There is something in your tone and delivery that makes people feel scolded, shamed, or embarrassed. Again, this is where feedback from someone IRL would be useful, I think.
TBH, I don’t think most friends want to hear feedback. Romantic partners, yes, but friends are there for a good time and speaking up about hurt feelings rarely ends well. Is that right? Probably not, but it seems to be true for a lot of people I know.
As I got older I realized my friends fell into a few camps – work friends (gripe about work, go to happy hours with, lunch time conversation), ‘fun’ friends (people you brunch with, go shopping with, go out to bars/clubs/shows with), your ‘ride or die’ friends – people who can absolutely do the fun stuff but who will also be there for you when bad stuff goes down and who will call you on your BS (and vice versa) and still be friends afterwards. Fun friends can sometimes move into ride or die but not always – and that’s ok!
I also found that I’ve often had better luck planning stuff that I’m totally ok doing solo but would be happy to do together – shopping/movie/browsing the mall/taking a hike – and then if people flake or no show, hey, I’m still doing a fun thing that I enjoy! Ditto with trips in my 20’s – I planned a vacation and then made plans with local friends but I didn’t co-plan a vacation with others very often after having a few plans blow up in college or just end badly as people had wildly different budgets/expectations.
I don’t think “I statements” are effective, it’s always pretty obvious it’s not your personal issue but a problem with what someone else did. It just doesn’t work so I’d stop trying that method – too therapisty, fake and irritating. Beyond that, tough to diagnose but if you keep having the problem in multiple contexts, it probably is something you’re doing and I’d try some more introspection to figure it out.
I would like an honest, straightforward friend like you! It might not be a ‘you’ problem.
The whole reason for “I” statements is to take responsibility for your feelings and needs rather than blaming other people for them. But just starting a sentence with “I” isn’t enough to actually accomplish that. I would really examine if you *are* in fact still blaming people for your feelings. If so, that will come across no matter how you word it. In the end, your feelings are for you – they are messages from your body to yourself about your needs and whether they are being met or not. Other people aren’t responsible for your feelings and don’t really need to know much about them. What they do need to know are your expectations and needs and requests, which will go over best if delivered in a neutral tone. So I would focus less on communicating your feelings, and instead think about your needs and how to communicate those *without* emoting. If you can’t do that, then you need to spend some time sorting through your feelings before you try to communicate.
Have you considered looking for a therapist or counselor to help you out with this? Especially one that deals with interpersonal issues, like relationship/couples counseling? A lot of their work revolves around being able to communicate feelings and I’ve found mine really helpful in formulating statements that reflect not blaming other people for my feelings while not discounting them either. Communicating anger is hard because we’re already coming at it from a compromised state, more likely to misinterpret how we’re coming across, and other people all respond to anger differently, so sometimes it doesn’t matter how you said it, they’re just not going to like hearing that they’ve upset you.
Maybe you are holding your resentment in and then it just explodes? Were you raised in a volatile or alcoholic home? You want to speak to a therapist about learning to be direct about your needs. I say this as someone who also struggles with your issue.
I think the book ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’. might be helpful to you
What have you found that really works on dandruff and an itchy scalp? I can’t seem to get rid of it. I’ve tried ketoconazole shampoo (for months now) and my doc prescribed a steroid solution that tamps down the itching, but doesn’t seem to attack any of the causes.
have you tried scalp-specific solutions from haircare lines? Briogeo has a scalp scrub, I like a Kiehl’s hair oil that you apply directly to your scalp. those are the ones that make the biggest difference for me.
I think dandruff is a constant battle. I don’t think is anything that permanently makes it go away. I’m always going on and off my ketoconazole shampoo. I do it for a couple weeks and things are good for the next month. I use my non-dandruff shampoo for awhile. Then inevitable the flakes return and knuckle down on my regimen again.
I really like dermnetNZ for dermatology problems like this.
https://dermnetnz.org/topics/seborrhoeic-dermatitis
Is it actually dandruff or dry scalp or ?? Dandruff is caused by a fungus. Do you have the fungus? If it’s just dry, itchy scalp, Neutrogena has a line of specialty scalp shampoos (not the T-gel) that I like in connection with a deep soak of scalp oil (found in the Black hair care aisle – a small bottle fits in the palm of your hand and costs about $2).
My scalp issues disappered when I switchef to SLS-free shampoo.
Yes! I’m allergic/reactive to SLS, and I used to use a tar shampoo geared to dandruff control. Never worked. Realised years later it had SLS –so, why???
I want the answer to this too, though I mostly have it on my face (nose, chin, and forehead), and just a tiny bit at my hairline, not on the rest of my scalp at all. Because it’s at my hairline where it’s awkward to use a cream, my doctor prescribed the ketoconazole shampoo for my face, but it’s the same thing- if I stop using it daily, the flaking and itching come back. Has anyone dealt with the face part of this? My skin is pretty sensitive, so any shampoo with scents or other irritating ingredients is unlikely to work on my face.
This sounds like an SLS sensitivity on top of a fungal reaction. I can’t use foaming shampoo/toothpaste without either getting hideous breakouts or super gross peeling/flaking. Once I figured that out and switched toothpaste brands (and asked the dentist to use mine) it cleared up super fast.
I’ve had dandruff and an itchy scalp for years, and finally arrived at a combo that works for me. I alternate between a SLS-free shampoo (Pura D’Or from Costco) and Head and Shoulders, with Nizoral anti-dandruff shampoo once per week. Once per month, I’ll use Neutrogena Anti-Residue Shampoo. This routine covers the bases of dry scalp vs fungal infection vs product build up, and I’ve been flake-free for the past year!
First mammo next week… old enough it’s time to start preventative screening, but still makes me nervous. Any and all advice or good juju welcome :)
First time I got one (at 35 :-/ ), I got called back and had to get a biopsy, and apparently that’s not uncommon since they don’t have a baseline. Turns out I just have dense breast tissue and a random cyst and it was fine. But don’t freak out if you get called back! Also, it didn’t hurt nearly as much as I was worried it might (though tech said that might be because I was, shall we say, small of chest. Apparently smaller boobs hurt less, which seems counterintuitive to me since there’s less to squeeze)
Just had my first. You’ve got this!
don’t wear deodorant, and prepare to be squooshed and embarrassed – that’s how it is for all of us.
Yep – although I’ve reframed it from embarrassing to hilarious. The techs I’ve seen are super nice and really know what they’re doing, but there is something funny about having your boobs manhandled that way. Or I guess womanhandled – I’ve only seen women techs.
I don’t find it painful and I am moderate of boob (32DD). I would suggest wearing pants or a skirt and a top, rather than a dress, it’s just easier. Also don’t wear necklaces, they can get in the way if you forget to take them off.
As someone with a lot of medical issues, mammograms have been far and away my easiest medical appointments of the last few years. I’ve had three so far, and each one was in and out in less than 10 minutes, with extremely competent and sensitive technicians. I have a chronic pain condition, so I’m pretty sensitive to pain in general, but I find them to be completely painless. I’m quite large of chest, to give the opposite example of the poster above. Good luck!
Wear separates, not a dress or jumpsuit. You get to leave your bottoms on, unless you are me and stupidly wearing a dress.
I was not enthusiastic about getting a mammogram, and it turned out to be no big deal. The technician was very professional and friendly and was skilled at position things without feeling too grabby, and there was some pressure but no pain involved. Turned out not to be a big deal at all.
As someone who has had a BC diagnosis, I will just say that I am so so PROUD of you for doing this and being on top of your health. You’ve got this! And thank you for reminding everyone here that mammos are important!
+1. I had my second ever routine mammogram in June, was diagnosed with BC later that month, and had a double mastectomy in Aug. Don’t skimp on your mammos, ladies!
That’s rough, KW. How is recovery going? Hope you are well.
Thanks. Doing better now. About 3 weeks post-op I feel like I turned a corner and starting feeling a lot better.
Good juju! Wear a front opening shirt. The radiographers are usually wonderful, so it’s an easy procedure, relax!
Mammo OP here – thanks everyone espec on attire! Mom warned me that dense tissue runs in our family so crossing ALL the fingers that I don’t get called back.
KW – oof – but better than not finding out… I hope your recovery is smooth!
So while I’ve been to Europe, I haven’t spent that much time doing official church tours so I’m hoping someone can answer. How is it that the royals are buried IN Windsor? Do they literally mean the Queen will be buried next to her husband and parents INSIDE the church or do they mean there’s a graveyard outside? I’m envisioning that the church has a hole in the middle and once they lift out the floor, there’s earth but that’s not how foundations of buildings work. Also how is it possible that her husband remains in a vault – like not in the earth? I feel like they are referring to something different than what is ordinarily done but I have no idea.
Yeah, I’ve definitely been to lots of churches/cathedrals where people are buried in the church?
Yeah super common in Europe.
yes, space is limited, and so it’s not like just anyone can be buried there.
You don’t seem that definite.
No earth or burying in earth is involved.
St George’s chapel at Windsor has several tombs and her coffin, which is lined with lead and will be sealed, is then placed in a tomb inside the church. The biggest is the vault under the choir of the chapel, but there are several more. I read that her coffin will be put in the one where her parents and sister’s coffins are.
Many churched have burial places for important people inside church. These can be underground (watch Angels and Demons) or on the groundfloor (usually intricate marble stone “boxes”, often with some statue depicting the deceased on top of the box). You can check pics of Royal Tombs of St Denis Basilica as a good example.
In a vault in the church.
There are crypts under churches, but also there are just people whose final resting place right inside churches. Take a moment to look up the royal burials in the Basilica of Saint Denis.
This is super common. One of my favorite things to do when in Europe is to pop in to random churches/cathedrals of varying prominence. The architecture and art is just so striking, even in the most unassuming of churches. Anyway, a lot of the big ones have significant figures entombed within the church, maybe in an underground area. If I remember correctly, I think in the Vatican/St Peters Basilica, the popes are buried in basically above-ground boxes/vaults in the catacomb below the main alter area. In other cathedrals I’ve visited, some are buried beneath the main aisle and the burial spot is marked with a special seal in the floor (and you never walk on the seal). Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve seen people of true QEII level significance in Europe buried in a traditional American-style grave yard. Not to say it doesn’t exist, but lots of dead bodies in churches in Europe (at least in Spain, Italy, France, Austria and a few other spots I’ve been to!).
There is a small “crypt” type room under St. Georges Chapel. Her parents and sister and husband are already there. Buried in this case doesn’t mean the coffin will actually be surrounded by dirt, just shut up in the crypt. Apparently once she’s in they’ll move Phillip to be next to her, which I thought was sweet.
I too am confused. How is that sanitary – as other people walk around in the building? I guess I just don’t get the concept.
People walk around in graveyards as well. It’s not like the bodies are just lying around in the church.
The coffins are lead-lined. Nothing getting in or out.
TIL I severely underestimated the properties of lead.
It is fine. Some of the incorrupt saints even have coffins with transparent panels so that it’s possible to view the body or skeleton (look up St. Paula Frassinetti). Remember that churches are full of relics (the body parts of deceased saints) already.
You’ll be able to see Queen Elizabeth’s tomb, if you wish.
This is a good explanation. https://www.stgeorges-windsor.org/about-st-georges/royal-connection/royal-burials/royal-burials-chapel-location/
https://www.timeout.com/uk/news/will-you-be-able-to-visit-the-queens-tomb-at-windsor-091622
https://www.funeralguide.co.uk/blog/royal-burials
I’ve worked for startups and smaller companies my whole life so this should come as no shock but the company I currently work for had major layoffs about 2 months ago and have just done another major restructuring including firing almost the entire c suite.
This should be seen as a double red flag and dust off my resume right? I love my team and don’t want to abandon them but things are getting super messy.
OMG yes. I would be running.
Yes, put on your own oxygen mask before helping others!
+1
I recently got rid of all my pre-pandemic suits that no longer fit me well. Although I work in a business casual office, I am a lawyer and want to buy one new suit (or suit equivalent) for the rare occasions it is needed. What color, cut, and fabric do you think is most versatile? The occasions I might wear a suit are big meetings, interviews, speaking engagements, etc.
depends on your coloring but navy is a strong go to. looks better, more interesting and flattering than black.
I think navy is best for year-round, followed by charcoal.
C-llars and buttons go in and out of style the fastest, so a c-llarless style might be most versatile.
I would buy as classic as a suit as possible. To me that means:
– single bre asted
– medium waist pants, cut in a flattering way for my body that is versatile enough to wear with comfortable heels
– navy or black
– I like three piece, so trousers, skirt and blazer
This season, there are less classic suits abounding – oversized, double bre asted blazers, long jackets, etc, and so I’d really look for something quite simple and not trendy if possible to get the most wear out of it.
tell me about knee high boots, especially beret ones with some calf room.
I am not a big dress and skirts wearer. are my only options skinnies or leggings?
I’d hold off on buying knee high boots to wear over pants. That’s not the look right now. With a dress or skirt, yes, but knee high boots over skinny pants/jeans is dated, unfortunately. (Snowy weather excepted.)
thanks. is the only option for current boots a skirt then?
For tall boots. Lots of shorter boots to wear with all kinds of pants.
Reconnected with an ex-close friend/sometimes gardening pal that I hadn’t spoke to in five years. I don’t know what I expected. We still get along as well as before, with all the same chemistry, and now both in better spaces to be friends, except for his now current gf who probably wouldn’t be too keen on us spending too much time together. I was honestly hoping we could get together for a drink and I could find something wrong with him to justify maintaining our distance, but nope, that was not the case. I only ended our thing to focus on my primary long-term relationship and well, that recently ended in spectacular flames, so here we are. Honestly, not sure what to do with this – not sure there’s anything to be done about this. Life: it’s weird and I’m not sure I like navigating any of it.
I think there’s nothing good to be gained from reconnecting with him. Gardening with him would be morally wrong since you know he’s in a relationship even though he’d be the one actually cheating. And this guy doesn’t sound like someone you can be platonic friends with.
I’ve been using Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer for years (shade Cameo) but it’s now super expensive ($50). Does anyone have any suggestions for something similar but in the $25 range? Thanks.
There are cheaper ones but the volume of product is less. The LM gives you a pretty good quantity of product for the price.
Good point! Thank you.
Traveling to northern UK in mid Dec for 10 days. None of my winter coats fit. Trying to decide whether to buy something like a nice wool Calvin Klein or similar walker coat or just end up with an Eddie Bauer type puffer coat. Will I freeze in the dressier coat? I see a lot of quilted options, too. Are they warm enough? Are they “old lady”. I am eyeing the JCrew quilted cocoon coat. I need to be able to sit on a plane in the coat too.
All suggestions from native Brits welcome!
The problem in UK in winter is more about rain, humidity, fog.. than really cold. The coldest that could be, let say in Aberdeen, in Dec is around 6ºC during the day. I never really needed my puffers ones when I lived in UK (but it was England, only have been in Scotland in summer).
I’ll be interested to see the coat recs too, but is there a reason you must sit on the plane in the coat? If you’re traveling from any distance, that won’t be comfortable; I would recommend finding a way to pack the coat. If I need to wear the coat to the airport, I typically take it off once I get to the airport and pop it into my checked luggage before dropping off the bag. Then you don’t need to keep track of the coat in the airport either. If it’s a shorter trip or I don’t have checked luggage, I’ll still want to take it off on the plane. You can take it off and fold it on your lap. There may be room to place it in your overhead bin (if you have a small enough carryon that it can go above your own bag without taking up room that would otherwise be used for luggage) or neatly folded under the seat in front of you. I sometimes bring a small foldable bag for this purpose to protect it/keep it clean; tuck this extra bag into an exterior pocket of your carry on for easy access so you can easily package your coat once you’re on the plane. If all else fails, you can use your coat as a blanket.
That’s more thoughts about coats on a plane than I expected to have, lol! Enjoy the trip!
10/10 recommend the “bring a reusable shopping bag for the coat” for air travel. We do this all the time for ski trips – wear the coat to the airport, then pop it into a shopping bag once inside – then you aren’t constantly chasing a dragging arm or hood. If the bins aren’t crowded the bags get tucked up there, but they can also smoosh underseat if needed.
Not a Brit, but have lived in the UK 5 years now.
It’s the damp that is the problem. Must have scarf, gloves and possibly hat depending on what you are doing. Is this work or fun? How much time will you be outside?
In December, I wear either an Eddie Bauer down puffer (casual) or Calvin Klein wool walker for work. But I’m really just going from car to work, or car to pub. If I’m walking around a Christmas Fayre, I have a fleece lined, softshell Michael Kors walker coat and that works really well. Got the walkers from Macys, btw. I have a British puffer and wool walker also and they seem a little lighter than my American ones. But I’m from Detroit, so it’s very possible that I overestimate how cold I’ll be. Have a great time; the Brits do Christmas decorations so amazingly!
Dress for wind and damp more than the cold itself.
OP here. Thanks for all the recs. I’ll be in Liverpool visiting people so not work. It’ll be mostly car to pub to hotel plus shopping lol. Was vascillating between an Eddie Bauer and a CK walker so I think I’m on the right track… I know puffer type is more practical but I like the dressiness of a peacoat or walker. I have hat/scarf/gloves. As for the sitting on plane, I figure I’d wear it for warmth and free up space but love the idea to fold it into a grocery bag. Thanks all!