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Updated: Dec 16, 2022 178 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

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gray beige black throw with a slight animal print

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is a great gift, and it's on sale too. We bought one of these Barefoot Dreams throws a few years ago and of all the throws in front of the TV it's the top choice for all of us for the cozy, supersoft fabric.

It's washed up well, and our colors (a dark navy and black combo) haven't faded at all in the time since we've had it. (But do note: we don't have a pet, so we haven't tested it in regard to that!)

Lots of colors are on sale right now at Nordstrom (with delivery before Christmas!), including this gray/beige/black cheetah print. This one was $180, but is now marked to $109. (Amazon also has some older versions for sale for under $130, lots eligible for Prime shipping.)

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Dr. The Original ...

    THANK YOU Everyone for the Tradwick responses yesterday… still no word from the Dream Job so I am sticking with assuming I just need to move on… but truly, the entirety of Tradwick made my entire life better.

    I ~would~ say thank you, but I feel like Tradwick would have told me that it’s only a true thank you when it comes with a gift, then would tell me he didn’t like my gift so I owed him a replacement gift and also that the gift he’d want would be somehow tied to creatine powder or whatever the classier version of truck nuts would be.

    And legit, if we begin using it as we do “gardening” and DTMFA and other ‘rette-isms, I’d be beyond honored (and also would think about buying myself a trophy to honor that life accomplishment).

    • Anon

      Dr. The Original, thank YOU for starting a much needed hilarious thread, and to all who contributed.
      #trad4ever

    • Vicky Austin

      Long live Tradwick, but only so we can continue making fun of him! Hope the right gig finds you very soon, Dr. T. O. <3

    • Anon

      I typed “Tradwick” in a comment this morning, and autocorrect tried to change it, so I added Tradwick to the dictionary. That’s how committed I am to this!

      (PS tip: if your iphone changes your favorite word to “ducking”, create a contact called F&*^ F&*^ing – it works!)

      • Dr. The Original ...

        So far, in all the years (it’s been well over a decade), the closest claim to fame I have here is that I recommended the $5 cookie cards from Cheryl’s that people sometimes bring up as an inexpensive nod to showing love… I DO still hope people send them as I think they make great “gifts for a reason” AND “gifts for no reason.” But I’d very much like Tradwick to become a thing… and since I now know that am@zon has trophies that can be personalized, I am currently envisioning having one on my shelf for this LOL LOL LOL LOL (sorry, I don’t normally laugh that much but since Tradwick once told me in the middle of a meeting that I was prettier when I don’t laugh, I insist on laughing extra. -don’t feel bad for me though, he told me he was just telling me to try to help me land a husband)

    • Anon

      Somewhere in the back of a cabinet I still have my JSFAMO mug… I look forward to adding the Tradwick mug to the collection :)

    • Ses

      I will never regret having introduced Trad to this group, except for that he mentioned that what he said was “man-flu” yesterday actually turned out to be Covid so you should all test before going home for Christmas.
      He didn’t want to miss the Christmas party and it’s basically just a cold so…

      • Ses

        Trad just texted me to point out that well actually, he came to the party with Dr. OG and I only knew his name because I was obviously obsessed with him in college. Then he called me a cougar.
        We’re the same age, TRAD!

        • Dr. The Original ...

          (FYI, he actually DIDN’T come to the party with me, we just happened to walk in at the same time, but he heard someone comment about being proud of me for being a Doctor and he felt the need to tell them that not only are we together, he actually did most of my dissertation work for me so he’s basically a Doctor too… never mind that we just met 2 weeks ago. Also, he told me 3x at the party that my dress wasn’t classy enough to stand next to him in a group photo, then put his hand on my @$$ during the photo being taken. When I called him out on it, he told me not to flatter myself because he only dates women under 25 “like Leo.”

          PS Trad is at least 45.)

  2. Dr. The Original ...

    A friend was diagnosed with brain cancer with no symptoms til a seizure. She’s 41. She’s had a brain surgery and is now on 42 days of chemo pills but she’s shared that doctors gave her a time expectation, which she won’t speak as she doesn’t want to speak it into existence. At the time, I sent a fuzzy blanket and a jewelry gift. I’ve been checking in with her regularly and saying I have no expectation of a response, offering support to her husband when he needs to vent since I know he is introverted and lacks support, and they don’t have any kids. She’s on indefinite medical leave from work but they are okay financially. I plan to budget for 2023 to visit her monthly if I can swing it and am fully boosted plus flu shot and am staying extra careful in case she needs me to come on no notice.

    I know I can g00gle and I will, I’m just wondering if anyone here has any recommendations on what else I can do or what gift(s) might be helpful. She doesn’t want to be treated like she is dying so we keep talking about plans for a remission trip and a bigger cure announcement trip. I also let her bring that up so she isn’t sad about what we both know isn’t likely.

    I want to do more and support her more and everything more so any guidance you may have would be much appreciated!

    • Anon

      You are such a good friend. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer last year we would have loved to have this support. If she is the type that likes trips, can you schedule some smaller fun adventures in the coming months? My husband was tired when taking oral chemo (and after major abdominal surgery) but we still went on a few small vacations. We went to a cabin on the lakeshore up north in the winter that had a hot tub and a view over the water. We went to San Diego for some sunshine in the middle of our cold northern winter. (Went straight to the hotel marisol and walked around Coronado and the beach). We also went to visit family in Michigan but made them come to us at a pretty resort we were staying at. It was nice to have something to look forward to when everything felt like a cascade of terrible news. My husband was a little worried he would feel too sick to enjoy these things, but I did all the planning and organizing so wasn’t stressful. I told him we could cancel at any time for any reason at all if he wasn’t feeling up to it. We kept it very low-key with lots of naps, take-out, and relaxing (contrary to our usual non-stop hiking/biking/kayaking vacations). It was one of the best things I did. It helped us feel like we were living instead of just waiting for the next terrible thing to happen.

    • Curious

      I’m so sorry. This is so sad. Based on my experience, monthly might be a lot, especially with the contaminant risk from planes — we actually made people quarantine a week before coming into our house. Not sure how worried she is about COVID. Maybe go for longer every other month. For presents — honestly, it was overwhelming to deal with more stuff, but it was super helpful when people bought us dinner, and my favorite friends were the ones that just kept checking in. It sounds like you’re being wonderful. Brain cancer can take you fast, or you can have years, so just be prepared for a wide range of outcomes. Hospice nurses have told us that if you see changes on a month scale, they have months; on a week scale, weeks; etc. I am so sorry.

      • Dr. The Original ...

        I asked and they asked for monthly or as often as I can and for visits as long as I can. I also offered to drive (it’d be a 2 day drive) to stay better quarantined. They know I’m as covid safe as possible and that when I’ve flown, I mask from the moment I leave til the moment I arrive, no food/drink breaks, nada. I also offered that, while I can’t relocate to them permanently, I am happy to quarantine in a hotel for the time first and stay masked in their home, etc. I was forthright with them about what I can afford and the husband privately told me that, if it comes to it, he’ll cover costs from his own account (they have own and joint) and we wouldn’t even have to tell her he was funding it if I felt uncomfortable with it.

        They don’t have tons of friends, her family is international, he said his treated her as if she was dying tomorrow so it was horrible, so I just want to do everything I can, especially knowing they are the type who won’t ask even if they need, so I want to make it easy to just have what they need provided any time I can.

        Also, sending you love, Curious <3

        • Curious

          Oh, good, then you’ve worked that all out. Disregard my comments, in that case. I’m so grateful you’ll be able to be there for them. It will be a luminous time — clouds tinged with the most beautiful light, like you imagine Paris in springtime. I’m so sorry, Dr. The Original.

          • Curious

            Re-reading this, I see that I romanticized something that’s going to be very brutal. I’m sorry. Please know my intention was to convey how precious life is and how special it is to live out your love for your friend in this way, but never to minimize the pain.

    • Anne-on

      I’m so sorry to hear this. Sadly I’m also of the age where close friends/family have had cancer and some lost their battles. If she is up for it, a hand/foot massage might be nice, or a gentle facial (chemo/radiation can do a number on your skin). Something an older mentor told me about doing, and that my husband and I have since done for friends/family who have passed is to write a letter about them for their surviving family. Talk about your friend – what you love about her, silly memories you have, lessons she taught you, things you’ll miss about her, what she was like at different life stages. It will be a gift for her husband and her children to have these stories about their wife/mom if she does pass that they might not have heard. I’d also find any photos you have and make copies of them and offer them to her/her family – they may not have seen them!

      • anon

        +1

        Yes, this is the most important thing you can do for anyone after they have a death in the family. Just simply write down your memories of them, describing anything about how they affected you.

        I was very close with someone who struggled through pancreatic cancer. We emailed a lot, as his disease was so brutal and he needed an escape. This can be a really really wonderful way to support your friends, as often they feel more able to express their fears and needs this way at a convenient time when they are feeling good/up to it. After he passed, I went through the emails, and pulled out funny stories he wrote and every single loving thing he said about his wife and his gratitude for her and his fears for her, and I gathered them in a “letter” of quotes, and “signed” them with her husband’s name using one of his characteristic (and hopeful) “sign-offs”.

        Let’s just say, there was nothing better I could have done for his wife, and she told me so. She said it gave her such a sense of comfort.

    • Anonymous

      My cousin had brain cancer with no symptoms until she had a seizure. She lived about 18 months from diagnosis. My suggestion is to go do things now. My cousin eventually lost the ability to speak and walk. She needed to be cared for in a palliative care hospital for about two months before she passed away. At the beginning of her diagnosis she could still do things that she enjoyed. There is a sweet spot of time between adjusting to the shock of diagnosis and losing functionality that would be great for a trip to somewhere she has always wanted to go.

      • Anon

        I have unfortunately known more than one person who has been diagnosed with brain cancer and I think I know the number they gave Dr. The Original’s friend; the number of months you state has been the case for the folks I knew. Completely agree that now is the time to do anything she wants to do as it is very hard to predict what “later” will look like.

      • Seafinch

        We just went though this with our dear friend, and neighbour. We lost her in August after 21 months. Her daughter is my daughter’s best friend. I agree with everything above. It sounds like Glioblastoma from what you say, in which case it will be over in 24 months. She was so grateful to have spent last winter skiing, walking and having coffee dates with friends. She progressed exactly as above and I understand the progression is extremely predictable. I would visit as much as possible and relish the next year. The end was awful and we had lost her mentally before we expected and her husband’s great regret was she didn’t quite get to as many goodbyes as she would have liked. I am so sorry for you and your friend. This experience absolutely destroyed me. It really has changed my whole life.

        • Anon

          For glioblastoma, 24 months is a “good” outcome, and many of those months may be with little function. Grab every moment now.

    • Ses

      Oof. I’m sorry. My SO is also extremely introverted and if anything were happening to me I would be so grateful for someone to spent time with him and focussed a little on him. It is so hard to be the one going through something and know there might not be anyone there for your partner.
      You’re doing a really good thing by making a point of showing up for him too.

  3. Anonymous

    any great potato recipes? i have fingerling, russet, and sweet potato on hand but will take any recipes!

  4. Best cinnamon rolls?

    Help! I am still trying to find The Perfect Cinnamon Roll Recipe for Christmas morning. Suggestions?

  5. AnonQ

    After years working in a billable hour job in the legal field, I’m now in a commercial role in a corporate environment. I’m used to accounting for every minute of the day and needing to bill 8 hours a day to hit my targets. In my current role, I might work 2 hours one day and 7 hours the next. I’d say I typically spend 4-5 hours actively working each day. I get all my work done and the role is very autonomous and fully remote. I’m loving it but also feeling kind of ridiculous for spending so long in the billable world! I like this job much more and feel like I’m making a real difference in my client’s lives.

    Posting because I’m curious whether this is the norm in non-billable fields and roles? Anybody care to weigh in?

    How many active work hours would you say you do daily? And how much do you get paid?

    I’ll start:
    Role: Individual contributor, client facing account manager
    Average hours worked per day: 4-5
    Salary: base + bonus so variable but typically $105k-120k/yr

    • Anon

      Individual contributor in higher ed (staff).
      I work about 15-20 hours a week. Varies hugely by day, but usually not more than 5 hours a day (from 10-3).
      I make $55k

    • Trish

      Are you allowed to pick up pro bono cases? You might really enjoy if there is no conflict.

    • Anon

      I have had a similar decrease in the actual amount of time worked per day, but it is giving me anxiety! I went from billable-hour lawyer to an in-house role, and while it was very busy for the first eighteen months of my job, the past couple of months have slowed down to where I only do a few hours of actual work per day. And instead of feeling great, I feel 1) guilty that I am not doing more; 2) anxious that I have forgotten something; 3) worried that my skills will atrophy from less use; 4) bored. I’ve told myself that less work is a sign my previous hard work has paid off, reminded myself that I was overworked and underpaid for years at prior jobs, and that things will inevitably pick up again. But it is still making me feel anxious!

    • Anon

      In-house paralegal
      Hours vary depending on how deadlines align, the average is likely 6 hours of active work per day with the rest spent either fuffing around or networking with coworkers around the coffee pot
      $105k plus 5-figure bonus

    • Anon GC

      I am also a recent transfer from law firm life and originally struggled with the idea that I did not have “enough” work. And then I realized that a large part of my job is (1) being proactive and (2) learning more about my industry and the applicable regulations.

      So I started a list of projects. For example, I reviewed (and then updated) our privacy policy, our website terms and conditions, and started working with HR on updating our handbook. I spend quite a lot of time on the internet looking at the blogs and articles written by our law firms regarding developments, reading regulatory guidance that comes out of the applicable agencies (in my case the FDA and FTC), trying to figure out what the heck is going on with all of the difference states’ privacy laws, etc. This is exactly the kind of thing that would not have been billable in my old life but that is important in my new one.

    • Anon

      Not a lawyer – manager in the marketing department of a F100 company. I work about 38-40 hours a week and make $145K in a LCOL area.

    • Anon

      Not in legal but back office Financial analyst in financal industry, individual contributor: I can range from 2 to 10 hours of actual work a day. Depends on what time of the month and year, the average is closer to 5 to 7 if I knock off those super slow and busy outlier days. Salary is 100k plus bonus of 10k-20k.

      I came out of public accounting, tracking in 15 minute increments. Definitely still have residual anxiety when I have slower days and Im “not productive enough”. Just have to remind myself that my team values my work, Iive been a contributor and process improver this year, I haven’t missed deadlines, and I show up when it’s game time. Taking a mid afternoon break or monitoring email from the couch on a slow afternoon isnt a big deal when I know Im on top of my to do list and can jump back to my desk for issues and calls.

  6. Stain question

    Got a stain (I think ink?) on a new modal shirt. Unfortunately alcohol wipe has faded it a bit, but still there and quite noticeable after washing twice. Does anyone have any tips on what’s worked for you?

    • MagicUnicorn

      Hairspray! The cheapest aquanet stuff you can find.

      With the fabric air-dry, drench the stain in hairspray and then wash it like normal (but don’t tumble dry unless the stain is gone, as heat can set stains). Repeat the hairspray if needed.

    • Anonymous

      If it is a grease stain, try pretreating with Dawn or similar dish detergent. Do not put it in the dryer until it is out. You can also try the appropriate Carbona Stain Devil if you know what the stain is. If all else fails, ask the dry cleaner to work on it.

  7. Anon

    Random question: I grew up in a middle-class / lower middle-class town and went to public schools. No one I knew had a math tutor. I now live in a large SEUS city. I feel like every kid has a math tutor starting at least by middle school (source: middle school parent, also see postings on various neighborhood listserves). Did something happen to math since I was in it? Like there are no good math teachers but tons of good math tutors (maybe the $ is better in tutoring vs teaching)? I have one kid who needs math help a few times a week, but it’s only middle school math and I’m probably competent up to AB calculus. Kiddo seems to understand, but has raging ADHD and really just needs review / reinforcement / reminders to check homework / what good math notes look like; driving to a tutoring place would take about 2 hours of my time for a 1-hour session, but if I’m kidding myself, just gently tell me. As a working mom, I still don’t have a lot of mom friends and that all fell apart during the pandemic anyway. I think that the math teacher is actually good, but I get that with tons of kids in a class coming off of too much zoom school, there isn’t a lot of time for individual attention and more math is not a bad thing.

    • Anon

      Former math tutor here.

      I charged about $75/hour for my time. My students either met me at the local library or I went to their houses. A lot of young engineers, scientists, or people with math degrees can tutor math. It is a fundamentally different skill than teaching classroom math, and liking one does not mean you would like the other.

      Falling behind in math is a multi-year problem. If you don’t understand algebra, you are hosed foe the rest of high school. If you bomb World History, you can still pull out a decent grade the following year in US History.

      Regarding how math is taught: badly. But there aren’t good ways to teach math to everyone from geniuses to kids who will struggle with Algebra II as high school juniors or seniors.

    • Anon

      I’d get my kid a tutor with what you describe. You can get one to come to you and I’d pay more if necessary for that to avoid the driving issue. It’s a thing and a lot depends on how competitive you want your kid to be.

    • Ellen

      I think if you live in a city, you are more apt to have kids that know what other kids are doing, so if there is one who needs assistance, and gets it, the others will tell their parents about the dumber kid who got better marks b/c he had a tutor, and everyone will have a tutor. That is all good, except it costs money to get a good tutor. Before you know it, these kids will be smarter and get into better schools b/c of the tutorring, which is also a plus. I think that if people get smarter, there should be inhouse tutors, paid for by the district, b/c that is what improves property values for their parents, who will want to move after the kids graduate from high school unless they’re like my dad, who is a legend in the neighborhood.

    • Vicky Austin

      The pipeline to math teacher certification is…wide and meandering, to my knowledge. My dad taught math for 30+ years. The worst math teacher I ever had had a “math education” degree; the best math teacher I ever had actually had a degree in mathematics (which is quite rare); my dad had neither. I’ve wondered about that ever since learning from those teachers and knowing their degree histories.

      Also, teachers are leaving teaching in droves; it may be this is what some of them are doing instead. I imagine it can be very lucrative in the right area.

      • Anne-on

        This. My high school Calc A tutor was simply brilliant and a very gifted teacher. Unfortunately he was also slowly losing his hearing and could not teach in a classroom setting because of it. He tutored by referrals only and did very well for himself in our HCOL area.

      • Anonymous

        It varies a lot by state I think, but I generally agree. My husband has a PhD in civil engineering and majored in math as an undergrad. He taught college for years before becoming certified to teach high school. To do the latter, he had to take some really dumb online math classes because the NYS certification authorities would not count the engineering math classes on his transcript as math classes, even though he said they were harder.

        Tutoring can be lucrative but teacher salaries also vary wildly by region.

        But to the OP’s question, I think tutors can be a marker of socioeconomic status among upper middle class and middle class families, and once one parent does it, other parents start to think their kid needs it to avoid falling behind. If your child is doing okay with the level of support you can provide, I see no reason to add a tutor now.

    • Anne-on

      I think it depends on what grade your child is in, and how accepting they are of your help. Mine also has ADHD and enjoys math now that we’re in the higher grades but the rote memorization/drills that have to happen for multiplication/division were really, really hard on him. Right now my help focuses a lot on showing your work (lots of whining around ‘why do I have to show my work if I know the answer’) and writing clearly/legibly so he doesn’t get points taken off. I’ll get him a tutor if he ever shows problems with understanding the concepts, right now our struggle is more around the executive functioning skills.
      I also agree that it is cumulative, so if your kid is simply not getting a foundational concept you want to correct that ASAP. I stopped at stats in college but I had tutors for both college level calc and stats – the concepts simply were not easy for me to grasp and I needed them broken down more clearly and in simplified terms before I could follow along with the classroom teaching. Without 1:1 tutoring I absolutely would have failed.

    • Anon

      Hi, I used to tutor math when I was in college. so my suggestion is to call your closest-in college and ask if any of their students tutor. I hired a tutor for my daughter in middle school (also ADHD, but pre-diagnosis because she has “girl ADHD”), even though I’m obviously a math person.

      What I actually did was reach out to the “actuarial club” at the nearby university, and they sent me this one kid who is now still an honorary member of our family. He came to our house. He was perfect, my daughter eked by in math that year, and wouldn’t have if not for him.

      • Anne-on

        Omg flames, flames on the side of my face for ‘girl ADHD’ (adhd innatentive type) still being a working term. I have it, my son has it, and it is AWFUL because a small subset of terrible people think only super hyperactive ADHD is ‘real’ and how dare we use medication for the other kind.

        • Anon

          OMG this is my life (vicariously, through kids, both girls). No one cares if they aren’t bringing guns to school or getting on the late news.

    • Anon

      My experience was that by middle school it was much better for our parent-child dynamic if I hired my kid a tutor rather than trying to help myself. So we hired a retired math teacher who was doing it on the side for extra money who came to our house. It made a world of difference! (This was after a brief detour to a tutoring company, which was an unmitigated disaster.)

    • Anon

      We were advised to get my ADHD-diagnosed son a math tutor and an English tutor. We instead got him an ADHD “success coach” recommended by the neuropsychologist who diagnosed him and that was very successful, as the coach taught him study, concentration and organizational skills that ended up helping him in all his subjects, and also helped him get and keep his summer/after-school job. If you can’t find one locally, you can try looking online.

      I agree it seems like math tutors are very much A Thing, but in our case, our son has plenty of math aptitude; he was struggling with other things that were leading to poor math grades. We have actually heard from his trig teacher this year that he’s one of the strongest performers in her class. Now that he can actually get his homework done without doing fourteen other things between starting and finishing, and also actually get the homework into his bag so it gets to school to be handed in, his grades are great. It was all problems with his executive functioning.

      • Anonymous

        Great to hear you have found a solution. I need one of these executive functioning type tutors for my son (2nd grade, struggling with rite memorisation of multiplication tables and diagnosed with add inattentive). What did you google to get good results? We’re in a mcol city but a lot of referred professionals are woo (we’re west coast). Thanks!

    • anan

      Does your school offer tutoring? I ask because my child’s public school offers before and after school tutoring for free. It’s probably not as rigorous or individualized as a math tutor, but it is some extra help.

    • Seventh Sister

      My eldest had periodic questions but did well in the class, so I didn’t bother with a tutor. Youngest never has questions and blows through homework, which is not ideal but the grading is 100% in-class test and he’s aced all of the tests. (FWIW, both are/were in the middle school’s accelerated math track.) Tutors were very rare in my high school but are less rare in my kid’s school.

      Maybe try a session or two with a local tutor to see if that helps?

  8. Anonymous

    Any tips on dealing with a germaphobic spouse? We’ve been together since we were in late high school and he was very normal about things until a few years before the pandemic. Like he’d sit on the floor, drop something on the ground and pick it up, eat without hand sanitizing etc though we were probably past law school when hand sanitizer became a must have.

    It’s gotten extreme – like taking out the garbage in our apartment involves washing hands 4-6 times after, wiping down the door handles bc what if he touched them, wiping down again bc now he’s touched Lysol. I don’t care how much anyone washes hands but it’s to the point where if like today we need to take out the trash and get out the door, he’s up and doing this 30 min early. To his credit he doesn’t make us late but I’m sad seeing this much anxiety. He won’t carry a wallet or phone in his back pocket bc what if he passes gas though logically he understands men have always carried things in back pocket and used them without hand washing after and yes those men pass gas too. He was started therapy but in the last few weeks I’ve seen zero effect. Any home remedy type tips on top of therapy? He wants to change FWIW. I feel like this underlying issue was there but the pandemic made it worse.

    • anon

      Whew….

      He clearly has a disorder. He just started therapy. He needs time. Your timeline is …. unrealistic.

      This is quite difficult to treat, and likely will need months/years of therapy with cognitive training and often medication for anxiety/OCD. Of course it should get better with time, but it needs a lot of work.

      It is so wonderful he is getting treatment. It is great you are supportive. It is amazing he wants to change. Keep being supportive.

      His situation is actually not uncommon, and many folks with anxiety/OCD etc… got much worse during COVID. There aren’t any quick fixes. Keep encouraging therapy, even offer to him that if the therapist ever wants to include you in a session for teaching/strategizing you want to support him in any way.

      • anon

        I would try to encourage him to get offline/turn off the news if he is listening to and reading about COVID all day.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +100. OCD is pernicious. I’m glad he’s in therapy. He might also benefit from an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – You could ask his permission to talk to his therapist about what reasonable expectations are for a timeline for improvement, or ask him to ask.

      • Jules

        I have posted about this before, but I was in a relationship with someone with severe anxiety and OCD that manifested in exactly this kind of germphobia. It was sometimes better and sometimes worse but ultimately it became untenable for me. It WILL start to interfere with your life – socializing, eating out, traveling will become difficult – and all the other commenters here are right that your husband needs serious therapy. It should be with someone who specializes in treating OCD, and this will not be a fast process.

        Sending you hugs and wishing the best for both of you.

    • Dr. The Original ...

      OCD behavior is happening which is typically tied into anxiety, and is likely worsened by c0vid and the tripledemic we have going on, reinforced by news, etc. He needs specific targeted mental healthcare. Call your insurance company or use their website for included clinicians in your area who work both in-person and remote (so they can use both as needed) who specialize in OCD and anxiety. Call and ask them to clarify their experience in these once you’ve narrowed it down to a few possible options. Home remedies may actually interrupt therapy so only go with the therapist’s guidance on this as it’d be part of the treatment process. Sending love to you and even more to him, as it’s nightmarish to live with someone with it and worse to live in a brain with it!

    • Anon

      My husband’s mom had OCD, to the point where she was institutionalized. It started with stuff like this, but there wasn’t really much help for her in the 1970s. Get help now and nip it in the bud.

      • Anon

        My stepdad was like this. My mom completely enabled him until he could barely leave the house and everything coming into the house had to be immediately washed and sanitized. My mom wanted to leave him for other reasons but felt too guilty for many years because he was “helpless” without her.

        Your husband is in therapy and is getting help and realizes this isn’t normal. Give it time but don’t let the situation get too off track.

        • Anonymous

          You make it sound like your stepdad’s mental illness was within your mother’s control and are using the same sort of tone with OP. This is incredibly unfair. OP–stick with the experts on what to do to help him overcome his OCD and what to expect.

          If this were someone with anorexia, you wouldn’t expect feelings about food to change in a short time. Nor would it be fair to say the issue was due to enablement.

  9. Classic

    Any serious, classical musicians or professional musicians here?

    What streaming music source do you use, if any?

    When I looked years ago into this, the options were poor. My personal collection of CDs was better than any radio station/resource back then, but I wonder if things have improved with time. None of my classical musician friends use streaming for classical music either. We all buy based on specific recordings we want.

    Any other favorite classical music online resource recs appreciated!

      • anon

        Thanks. I used to live in Boston.

        Do you still just buy CD’s/downloads etc.. and supplement with a few favorite radio stations, or did you join any streaming service?

    • Anon

      I’m not a professional musician but a dedicated amateur musician and a lover of classical music, opera, and older jazz. I’m still reliant on CDs for the majority it, unfortunately. Sometimes the local classical station will play things I like, but then I have to sit through ads. I don’t mind the ads in the car, but classical music dynamics are difficult in the car given road noise. At work, the ads are too distracting. And I really am not a fan of baroque music, so I prefer to just self-select what I like.

      I’m thinking I will eventually get all my CDs into MP4 format and listen to them from the cloud/itunes, but I just haven’t had the time to get the whole setup going.

    • Anonymous

      I can find most of what I want, but not everything, on Spotify. I am mostly looking for relatively recent (1990s and later) or really iconic older recordings.

    • Davis

      The Classical Station (theclassicalstation.org) has a playlist and plus all-request-Fridays!

    • Anon

      I use my university library’s streaming resources. If you have access to an academic library, I recommend checking out what they have before buying anything. In my city, there is some overlap with the public library streaming offerings, too, so check your public library as well.

    • Anan

      BBC Radio 3. I like the wide variety of music programs and live concerts and the serendipity of listening to radio.

    • Anon

      I’m a classical musician (trained pianist in another life and I sing professionally as a side hustle) and I also work in the industry. I personally just use Spotify for streaming, but Idagio is designed specifically for classical music. I did a free trial once and definitely enjoyed it. I’ve considered subscribing for real.

    • Classic

      Thank you very much for your suggestions. They are great and exactly the kind of range I was looking for. I will check them out.

  10. 2L

    UGHH I have COVID and just took my fed courts exam (take home) with a bag of frozen peas on my forehead to try to keep from overheating with fever. Here’s hoping I don’t get a discretionary B-

    • Anon

      Ugh so sorry. Fed courts was my worst grade in law school and I didn’t even have the excuse of Covid!

  11. Anon

    I’m looking to make a job change, and got a linked in message from an in-house recruiter. I am NOT interested in the company (the office has a horrid reputation – I used to work for a competitor and saw the turnover).

    But, it’s been awhile since I interviewed somewhere. So, I take the call from the recruiter for practice, right?

    • anon

      Yes! Take all the calls. Interviewing is a muscle. You get better the more you do it.

      • NYCer

        +1. If there is not chance you’ll take this job, there is no way I would waste anyone’s time (yours included) interviewing.

    • Lizard

      I’m not a fan of dinging a company based on reputation. I’m having a great experience at a company that has a bad reputation. But if you’re truly not open to the job, then no I wouldn’t take an interview just for practice.

    • Anon

      I found my best ever job via a recruiter when I wasn’t looking. Take the call. Maybe just for a connection with the recruiter. Even if they are in-house, they tend to move around a lot.

    • Anon

      Doesn’t hurt to take a 15-30 min call. I wouldn’t feel bad about wasting their time.

  12. Anon

    Chapter 13 here. I wanted to say thank you for your encouragement to respond to the recruiter re the job in Manhattan. You made me realize that I DO have living options and I should at least check out this opportunity. It is a high profile company and I kind of doubt they would let me work from my home city, but we’ll see how this unfolds. I have two interviews next week.

    In other news, I’m compiling a list of annual/quarterly/rare expenses (i.e. not a monthly or weekly occurrence) so I can plan for them in my new calendar and budget. I’ve never done this before (I know, embarrassing) and always ended up preparing last minute. Below is the list I have so far and I wanted to see what other items are on your list!

    HOME
    – Apartment amenities fee
    – Renters insurance

    VEHICLE
    – Car insurance (quarterly)
    – Car maintenance
    – Car inspection
    – AAA membership

    TAXES
    – Vehicle property tax bill
    – Income tax bill (I usually get a refund but have it on the list just in case)
    – Tax prep fee

    MEDICAL
    – Copays
    – Prescriptions
    – Glasses
    – Contact lenses

    CATS
    – Vet annual exams/vaccines
    – Sick visits
    – Flea/tick/heartworm prevention
    – Litter box replacement

    I’m sure I’m missing plenty and will do more research this weekend but this is what I have so far.

    • Cat

      Gifts and travel? Family visits, weddings, vacations. Holiday and birthday shopping.

      Maybe not applicable since I note you’re renting, but any home services like yard care, appliance servicing, septic tank pumping, etc.

    • Dr. The Original ...

      There are tons of online lists, you may want to g00gle search and grab what applies to your life; there may also be apps to calendar them to keep them from having to live in your memory!

      My list also includes:
      -food (separate grocery and eating out)
      -socializing (from restaurants to activities common in my friend group)
      -gifts (this covers baby or wedding showers, birthdays, etc. even when the amount is very small, it lets me feel like I can at least afford to send a card or a $5 cookie card or something)
      -travel (whether to save for trips or when needed for family)
      -replacement (so I can buy when a clothing item wears out)
      -emergency (when I have to buy a quick pair of shoes near my work because the strap on my shoe just broke)
      -showing up (when a friend has something that I need to book a flight for or contribute to someone’s gofundme or send flowers for someone’s loved one passing, etc.)
      -cell phone (payment plus saving for replacement so I can afford it in an emergency or when it’s time)
      -self (hair dye or razors or makeup or shampoo or toothpaste or mouthwash or whatever I am currently using to take care of myself daily)
      -unexpected/cushion (to make up for unexpected extras like inflation or a favorite fruit that is a little more expensive than expected during that time of year or the like)
      -fun money (I put a little something aside to spend to take the edge off when I’m deep into counting pennies, even if it’s just a few dollars for a happy meal or a silly treat or a candy bar or a smoothie or whatnot)

    • Anon

      Also add in beauty/maintenance, if you do any. I don’t spend a lot on this area, but I do budget for 4 times a year haircut and color, and a few times a year manicure/pedicure.

    • Anonymous

      Salon services like haircuts and/or color and mani/pedis. If you are cutting expenses, you may be expanding the time between such services or cutting them out but at least a haircut will still come up at some point this year.
      Add gifts and travel.
      Also, I think you got advice to use Mint and I found that program to have great functionality for tracking and setting aside funds for these irregular expenses.

    • No Face

      Check on the case study section of the Mr Money Mustache forums. I never posted one, but the format is very useful.

    • ArenKay

      Nothing of substance to offer, but I am delighted you are applying for the job. Good luck on the interviews!

    • Dr. The Original ...

      Coming back to this to gently tell you to knock it off. First you had a lot of embarrassment about filing, now you are embarrassed for never having created a budget before. Knock it off; the messaging you are giving yourself is that there is something here to be embarrassed about. A quick search showed “Filings for Chapter 13 increased 26.6 percent, from 117,784 to 149,077 in the year ending Sept. 30, 2022.” You are one of almost 150k people here. As for budgeting, Gail Vaz-Oxlade not only has a wonderful series you can watch on y0utube (Til Debt Do Us Part) where there’s budgeting in every episode but she’s also sold millions of books teaching people these things. So you are one of millions of people learning this skill.

      I am not undermining or gaslighting your emotions. I am also not down to watch you keep demeaning yourself so that you can consistently reaffirm negative things about yourself. Until you realize that you deserve to speak to yourself kindly, I’m gonna do it for ya! <3

      • Anon

        I have appreciated all of the support here, but respectfully, I am only on month 3/60 of filing and I am still processing my emotions regarding all of this. It’s going to be a long road of therapy for me to unpack and get through this, there is not a flip to be switched after someone telling me to “knock it off.”

        • The Lone Ranger

          You are doing great so far! Keep being proactive in learning about budgeting and lifestyle choices and the 60 months will soon be a distant memory! You got this!

        • Dr. The Original ...

          Absolutely. There is also some healing aspects that can only happen long-term when self and others are whispering words of kindness and calling out or interrupting negative self-talk. No one expects you to flip a switch. I am, however, planting seeds of kindness in your subconscious (as are others) while you work through it. Until you are kind to yourself, we are going to be kind to you and even when it feels like we are being kind at you, please know that these seeds being planted by loved ones are part of the healing process, not something undermining your process. <3

    • Bette

      Congrats on starting this type of budgeting, a lot of adults I know don’t do this but it’s such a game changer. I call it my “annual fund” and my husband still thinks I’m a wizard for introducing it into our finances. I include most of the categories you listed plus a few more – it’s basically any predictable but infrequent cost over $100:
      – Gifts (mostly Christmas & birthdays but I leave a little buffer for like bereavement flowers and baby showers and stuff)
      – birthday parties – about $200 for every family member so we can do a little extra to celebrate without stressing the monthly budget
      – tickets to a few annual beer & music festivals we always try to attend
      – all memberships/annual fees (credit card, Prime, zoo, botanic gardens, gym, etc)
      – personal care – I like to get my eyebrows micro bladed every few years so I use this to save up for it. Also I give myself like $100 for a guilt free self-birthday present every year.

  13. Soup

    It’s soo cold. I made the Hungarian mushroom soup last week because someone recommended it here a few months ago. so good. Has anyone made any good soup or stew recipes lately?

    • Anon

      Can you link this? I have an old recipe but I love to look at other versions.

      I made vegetable soup pretty often when I’m feeling like I need some veggies. Saute aromatics (onion, celery, carrot finely minced, a little garlic toward the end) in butter and oil, add some tomato paste and cook it a bit, then add stock or water. When the aromatics are really soft, season the broth the way you like – dried herbs (i like thyme), salt, and pepper. Add veggies depending on how long they take to cook. To be honest, I like a bag of frozen mixed vegetables and a drained can of black beans (optional). Add fresh herbs at the end if you didn’t do fried herbs at the beginning.

      Very good with a grilled cheese or toast or just a sprinkle of Parmesan.

    • Anonymous

      Curried Lentil, Tomato, and Coconut Soup by Bon Appetit- soooo good and flavorful (I have a heavy hand with the salt). Bonus can very easily be made vegan.

    • Anon

      I like (lima) bean with noodles soup, red lentil & ginger & orange coconut milk soup, miso ramen, French onion soup, old Czech garlic soup (ideally followed by potato fritrers). Leeks & chickpeas soup.
      I like 101cookbooks for soup inspiration.

    • The Lone Ranger

      This is a little odd — it uses tea as the base — but it was the perfect use for the half box of ginger tumeric tea we had and didn’t care for.

      https://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/orzo-and-chickpeas-turmeric-ginger-broth
      I sauted a thinly sliced scallion first instead of using it to serve with, and I used slightly more than a 1/2 teaspoon of the fish sauce because I just glugged it in instead of getting a measuring spoon dirty. I used the sambal oelek to serve with it.

    • Junior Associate

      Easy and healthy hot pot (Japanese version):

      – udon soup base
      – sliced beef or pork (non fatty kind)
      – chinese cabbage and pak choy
      – udon noodles
      – dumplings or any other hot pot favorites

      Pour a couple spoonfuls of soup base into water, (I usually dilute by a factor of 5-10 depending how salty I want the base to be), boil together the veggies and meat, enjoy, then boil the noodles in the remaining broth. So easy, balanced, and good.

  14. Anonymous

    Ugh. I went to trial in an exurb of my city today. When I arrived, wearing a suit and heels, carrying a briefcase, and dragging a case full of exhibits, accompanied by my clients, we were immediately instructed to wait in the pews until the case was called. I thought perhaps there were multiple cases going forward today in an unknown order and acquiesced. The bailiff then proceeded to instruct us all on the order of events we could expect. I was left to organize my papers in a pew.
    When my male and female opposing counsel arrived, they were told to set up at counsel table. When my male partner, who was second chair, arrived just moments later, he was directed to counsel table.
    Similar things have happened in the past. I can’t believe it is 2022 and I am still dealing with this crap.

      • Anonymous

        See below. I thought no one was allowed at the tables. Then realized what happened when my opposing counsel showed up. I am not shy.

      • Anonymous

        I thought he wasn’t letting anyone sit at the tables because there would be multiple appearances for multiple cases today and the judge would call us up when our case was to proceed. (No extra benches in front of the bar, just the tables.) It is common for the judge to hear a motion or two before a trial starts. Only when my opposing counsel arrived did I realize what was happening, though I did suspect the bailiff didn’t think I was an attorney when he started in on “how to court 101.” This all happened in a few minutes.

    • No Face

      Same thing happens to me. I always walk straight past the bar. I get “that area is for attorneys” a lot, and my reply is “yes, I am an attorney.”

    • Anonymous

      If I were your client I would have noticed and worried about the lack of assertiveness.

      • Anonymous

        JFC. Read the explanation. The bailiff did not say “this is for attorneys only.” He said don’t come up here until your case is called. There could have been several cases on the schedule that day.

    • Anon

      I hope you complained about his behavior – to him and officially. How is this even happening in 2022. Unacceptable.

      • Anon

        While the behavior is problematic, complaining about a judge’s staff is unlikely to do any good, and in fact probably likely to do harm to her client’s case, so I’d tread carefully there. IME judges do not take criticism of their staff lightly, even if valid.

  15. anon

    I just got a job offer! It’s a huge bump in prestige. Pay is almost double what I make now ($115K to $210K). Benefits are better. The health insurance plan is with a better company than what my family currently has (I’ve been with them before). Our current health insurer has denied coverage (through appeals) for a medication my son needs that costs about $50K/year. There’s a chance this insurer may cover it!

    • Dr. The Original ...

      I am so so wonderfully excited for this company that they are about to get to work with you!!!! Please keep us posted on the medication coverage (hoping we can celebrate that) and please do something to celebrate yourself! While I know the job hunt process can feel like, “I just want someone to pick me!” please remember that this job happened not because they picked you but because you earned it and they were wise enough to recognize your awesomeness. I hope you have a ball tonight and this weekend celebrating yourself, you deserve it!!!!!!!!

    • H13

      This is absolutely wonderful. Congratulations!
      I really love that this is a space where we can share awesome news. Enjoy the weekend!

    • OP

      Thanks all! DH and I happened to have a date night planned for tonight already! First one since summer, but we’re going to go look at Christmas displays in the fancy hotels downtown and then have a nice dinner. We have a babysitter and everything.

  16. Anon

    Are there any petite readers with experience with the L’Agence Kenzie blazer? I’m eyeing a second hand one that is not returnable. I am petite and don’t know if the double-breasted style would be overwhelming. I also don’t know if the sleeves can easily be shortened given the buttoned cuffs.

    • Anonymous

      If you have a Saks near you, can you try a few on in person? I’ve never worn it but lust from afar.

    • Trish

      Ten year old Honda CRV with 160,000 miles. DH and I have traded gettting new or slightly used cars every 5-6 years but we decided to keep the CRV for a while. Spent money fixing inside and the body hoping that in another few years, the car market won’t be so crazy. Plus, it is harder to justify new or new-used car money when we both WFH now. We could probably do one car but that’s a non-starter with DH. Honestly, none of the newer models are attractive anyway. I would love an older Mercedes!

    • Anonymous

      Car 1: 2020 Honda Odyssey (currently mine as I do most of the kid hauling)
      Car 2: 2010 Acura MDX with AWD (was my car until we bought the odyssey; DH previously drove a bmw 5 series).

      We both work from home so I guess they are both “our” cars. We hope to drive the Acura forever. It’s my fave car even though it’s getting up in years. When it’s time to replace the Acura we’ll probably get a big SUV. When the minivan goes well get a sedan with 4 or AWD because the kids will all be in middle/high school.

    • Anon

      1999 Toyota Camry and 2009 Toyota Camry, both bought used from my parents who have a 2016 Toyota Corolla. We love Toyotas and they’ve been incredibly reliable. We’ve put a shockingly little amount of money into our cars considering how old they are. We replaced the struts on the ’99 maybe 10 years ago now and that was around $2k but otherwise it’s been only routine/preventative maintenance on both of them. At the time we really hemmed and hawed about the decision because we weren’t sure putting $2k into a then ~15 year old car was worth it, but considering we’ve gone another 10 years with no major maintenance expenses, it turned out to be a really good decision. We will not sink more money into it at this point and will replace it the next time it needs a major repair.

    • Anon

      2011 Subaru Outback with ~114k miles. As long as the heated seats keep working, I will keep driving it! 😂

  18. Anonymous

    I can’t really share this with anyone else besides my husband, so just shouting happily into the void: I have been warned repeatedly that annual raises and bonuses were going to be meager this year across the board. I just got mine and it’s a 7% increase in base pay. Coupled with a 3% raise earlier this year, I am actually getting an increase after inflation. And even a small bonus on top of that. Damn it feels good.

  19. Anon

    I have a video chat tomorrow with a guy from a dating app and I’m actually excited about it! Not worth getting too excited over as it’s just a first time video chat, but it’s so rare at this point to find anyone on these apps who I care to have a conversation with (or who seems capable of having an actual conversation lol) so even if this doesn’t turn into anything, I’m still looking forward to “meeting” him. There’s no purpose to my post here other than to share with internet strangers as it’s not something I’d talk about to real life people just yet!

  20. Anon

    Any recommendations for an old fashioned (but new) charm bracelet? Tiffany has some but they are clunky looking. I want a nice link style.

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