Weekend Open Thread
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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
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This “Sunny Day Slip Dress” looks absolutely fabulous for a wedding guess or date night… (and for some reason I'd like to see it paired with a fuzzy, slouchy cardigan — I'm surely thinking of some '90s show or movie!).
The dress is $325, available in sizes XS-XXL at ShopBop and BruceGlen.com for $325, and you can read more about the designers in ShopBop's nice roundup of “7 Black-Owned Designers to Know and Love.”
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
I recently got contacted by an ex who was 15 years in the rear view mirror. Haven’t had any contact since he moved out of state and we amicably parted ways at the time. Maybe 8 years ago, he called my office to speak to me, but I didn’t take the call, as this was all in the past. Then around 5 years ago, I got an email from him, but I didn’t reply as that chapter is closed for me (happily married, new state and career). All of a sudden, several messages including one that said “you’ll be interested to see this video I have” have arrived. The tone isn’t that friendly, but more creepy. He seems to have found my contact info from person-finder websites. I of course immediately blocked and deleted things and didn’t issue replies. But I am also wondering about protecting myself from this distant person and whatever this vague video threat/enticement might be. Hoping that radio silence is enough like it was before. Thoughts? Anyone deal with a similar situation?
How sure are you that it is even him? Maybe his email has been hacked.
That was my first thought.
The video message is exactly what the hacked spam messages are. Have you received anything that’s directed to you personally? Do you have reason to attribute bad intentions to him?
It doesn’t even mean he was hacked; a lot of times the messages are spoofed (fake return address). Someone else who had once corresponded with both of you might have gotten hacked and then those messages used as sources for both the “to” and the “from” of the phishing messages.
I had this issue, and it was real. I did contact my ex and asked him to stop because I was now married with kids, like you. He said that he was lonely, that he still remembers our sex (which was admittedly hot when we dated over 15 years ago, and that if I ever decided I was unhappy in my marriage, and wanted to reconnect, he would do so and in the process, marry me and adopt my kids (who are 7 and 11 years old). I told him it is not healthy to think that way, and that he should really find another woman who will appreciate him and give him what he needs. After about 15 minutes of back and forth, I told him I had to go and wished him well. I never heard from him again. So that is why I think you need to do this.
I would call a lawyer to discuss a restraining order and also immediately use something like DeleteMe or Optery to remove your contact info from data brokers.
This seems like a dramatic overreaction to something that was almost certainly spam, especially since it ended amicably and the prior contacts were years prior and not of a nature that was any way threatening. I would say differently if OP had actually talked to him and said she didn’t want contact and he contacted her after. Aren’t restraining orders public?
OP here. I was hoping it was a hack, but the most recent message had some personal/private references that suggest it is mostly likely from him, which is why I’m more concerned. I am hoping ignoring it will work like last time, but I did save the latest email in case there are more that arrive. I favor giving no energy back to this so that it doesn’t encourage more contact.
It’s creepy how much personal information is freely available these days. I have been pretty careful about this (or so I thought).
Spammers are very good at making it look real.
I think it’s worth being very direct once. When I was in my twenties I had a guy who was contacting me periodically trying to get back together or see me again and it made me deeply uncomfortable. I would mostly ignore him, or occasionally respond expressing my disinterest “nicely” for fear of angering him because he had some pretty compromising photos of me and I was afraid of revenge prn. Eventually I got fed up and messaged him saying “I’m sorry if I was unclear before but I don’t want to see you now or in the future. Please don’t contact me again.” I’ve never heard from him since. (I also learned my lesson about sending photos I wouldn’t want to get out!)
Sounds like his email was hacked. I bet every person he’s ever emailed is getting the same messages.
I got similar emails from my former MIL when her email got hacked
I get emails like these from two former coworkers who I know were hacked.
It’s phishing, don’t click on it.
Happened to me several years ago.
I deleted without opening them because the subject line read like phishing and I haven’t heard anything since.
TW weight loss
has anyone tried the oral semaglutide from Henry Meds or other? Can you compare it to injected semaglutide/tirz?
TIA!
I’m taking Rybelsus, which is oral semaglutide. I get it from a Canadian pharmacy called liferxpharmacy dot com. I can’t compare it with the injectable version but I’ve been very happy with the results.
Serious first world conundrum here. I received a free iPhone 15 Pro as part of a promotion. I currently have an iPhone 11 that is basically fine, provided by work so not technically mine. I don’t know whether to keep or sell the new iPhone. The going price for sale is around $1350 CAD, and the price for the phone new with tax is around $1620. Not a lot of promos from Canadian telcos on this phone to bring the price down.
Should I keep the phone? Or sell? Really having trouble assessing what would bring me greater joy. The money would just be added to general savings/investments, there isn’t a specific thing I would use it for “instead.” That suggests to me just keep the phone and enjoy it. On the other hand, if I hadn’t gotten the phone as part of a promo, I would never have gone out and bought a new one.
I’d keep it! I think you’ll be surprised how much nicer of a phone the 15 is– especially the camera.
another first world problem, but I actually found the cameras on the newest iPhones to be too good. They were great for photos of nature, my dog etc.
but for photos of people? Every wrinkle, stray hair, and pore is visible. The photos are actually less flattering these days IMO because it seems like they pick up more detail than our eyes do in real life. Honestly, it made me understand why so many people use filters on everything these days when I went from an iPhone 9 to an iPhone 15 last year….
I’d definitely keep the phone. And maybe keep it separate from my work phone for privacy reasons.
This
+1. I would take this as an opportunity to separate your personal and work phones. My personal phone has a prepaid plan from Verizon that’s very affordable and gives me all the data and talk time I need without locking me into a contract.
The iPhone 15 is really, really nice and takes good photos.
All of this.
I ended up with extra lemons and limes because I was going to make cocktails this weekend but now DH is sick. I need to use the extra lemons and limes and looking for recipes that use them. Ideally not baked goods but actual meals (all that I can think of are desserts!)
Salmon in lemon/butter/dill
Salmon in chili powder and lime zest/juice
Ginger tea with lemon and honey (okay, not a meal, but seems like it might be well-received?)
Roasted lemon rosemary potatoes
Citrus / olive oil vinaigrette on avocado
Stir fry mushrooms with garlic and lemon juice (add tomatoes and you can put it on pasta and call it sauce)
I’ve never done this but I have enjoyed the results from friends’ efforts: you can infuse vodka with citrus fruit. It takes a while, so maybe that way you can use your lemons and limes for cocktails anyway, just at a later date?
Lemon, garlic, and thyme roasted chicken. Zest goes into the garlic and herb rub on the outside, cut lemons inside the cavity while roasting. Yum!
I’ve used this recipe before but would increase the lemon quantity. https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/roast-chicken-with-lemon-and-thyme-102159
You can freeze both the zest and the juice for use later if that helps. I love this pasta recipe as well: https://www.eatingwell.com/recipe/252505/leek-lemon-linguine/
I toss whole lemons and limes in the freezer, they work great later and no mess.
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1022614-cauliflower-piccata
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1016062-red-lentil-soup
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1023800-sabich-bowls
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1023843-quinoa-and-broccoli-spoon-salad
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1021050-the-most-adaptable-one-bowl-cornmeal-poundcake
I make the cauliflower piccata regularly and can attest to it being delicious.
melissa d’abrian’s fish picatta
we also use lemons for ina garten’s panko salmon recipe, kalyn’s kitchen cajun shrimp, and for lemon vinagrette
Lemons: Shrimp scampi, lemony green beans or asparagus, Greek style sheet pan dinner, marinate some olives with the zest, make a hot toddy for yourself
Limes: Tacos, Asian style noodles with soy sauce and tahini, ginger lime chicken, citrusy salad dressing
You can also make the cocktails and freeze them.
yes! I like to freeze homemade sour mix and then can use the ice cubes for easy cocktails or mocktails.
Or you can make dehydrated lemon slices to use as garnish!
Chicken Piccata from Once Upon a Chef uses lemon juice in the sauce.
Nam Sod (Thai Pork Salad) from Budget Bytes uses lime juice in the sauce. I use ground turkey instead of pork. It has a nice, light flavor.
You could probably find some Mexican recipes for lime juice. Maybe for a slaw or marinade.
Also, I’ve found that citrus keeps well for a long time. You could still save some for cocktails next week.
I love avgolemono but it might be too lemony for someone who has to think about how to use up lemons (I may be a lemon extremist). Definitely do a roast chicken stuffed with a lemon or two.
For lime, I would do a coconut based hot and sour soup with fish, like western/white lady tom kha.
You can use both to make acid cooked fish or a Mexican coctel de camarones.
Anything you can’t use before it goes bad, you can zest and juice, then freeze the juice and zest seperately. Both keep well in the freezer and are great to have on hand.
You could make preserved lemons and limes and they keep for a long time. You just need a couple of mason jars, a bunch of salt, and a few spices.
You can freeze them to defrost and juice later.
+1
I like to presalt chicken pieces & let them sit for a while, then squeeze citrus juices over them as they are cooking. Maybe twice during the cooking process. It’s a great way to use up extra citrus. This would also work with other meat/fish.
Fajitas with a lot of lime juice in the chicken and/or steak marinade plus a margarita.
You could just also make lemonade lol
Lime: Carnitas with guacamole and salsa – lime with the pork, in the guac, and in the salsa.
Lemon: baked salmon on (skin side up) or under (no skin) lemon, or chicken.
Generally: any sort of salad dressing – olive oil and citrus
If you do have so much that they’ll go bad: you can freeze whole lemons and limes. They get mushy, but the juice keeps fresher than if you juice before freezing. I like to to zest them before you freeze, and keep the zest in a separate ziplock.
You can make lemon curd or marmalade if you enjoy those. Or salt preserved savory lemons. You can also dehydrate slices to use for fancy cocktail garnish later.
Ceviche
We’ve always used Amazon Echos as our home speakers but I’m getting so sick of random notifications about stuff they think I want to buy. Are any other “smart” speakers less annoying? I don’t even care about privacy, the constant selling has just gotten so over the top.
i think i found some settings that you could turn off — try telling alexa to stop all notifications and see where she directs you? we still get some but not the random “you might like” crap.
+1
My friends have Google Homes and I don’t think it tries to sell you anything.
Yes, Google Home doesn’t speak unless spoken to, and doesn’t say anything unrequested (there’s no real notification feature unless you set up your own calendar events or alarms).
If you go into Settings and then Notifications, you can turn them off.
Oh hallelujah, I could have sworn I looked for that at some point and there wasn’t an option. Thank you!
I think Amazon purposefully makes certain things like turning notifications off hard.
I similarly had a hard time canceling a subscription via the video app.
I am curious about the worst bit of Instagram/TikTok career advice you received or have heard of. I know we talked about the best people a couple of work ago and I have been thinking about it ever since.
I will start – we had someone who followed some snarky advice about how his “home” for work from home purposes was wherever he was and we were not entitled to know where he was when doing his job. So he decided to ignore the part of our HR manual that said he could not access our system from outside the USA without permission from his supervisor and the head of IT. When he tried to sign in, the system saw an unauthorized attempt to access from another country and suspended his credentials. So he was stuck in another country with no PTO saved (or requested) and unable to log in.
He was pretty cavalier about it at first, but we pointed him to the contract with our client. He was very apologetic once he realized that there was an actual reason for the rule but lost a week of salary (again no PTO) and came very close to getting fired. The only thing that saved his job was that he did seem to get it once it was explained and he is new enough that we cut him some slack. We did point out that if he had bypassed our security protocols we would have had to report it to the client and he would absolutely have been fired.
Wow! I would not want to work with this guy. I feel like when your managers tell you something, you comply with their instruction whether you agree or understand it, assuming it is nothing illegal. I wouldn’t trust this guy or his judgment going forward. Hopefully he is a new college graduate who doesn’t understand workplace dynamics.
He is a 23-year-old new graduate with no real-life experience – and had not actually read the HR manual. Part of his “punishment” was that he had to read the entire manual – front to back – and ask questions to demonstrate he had paid attention and understood the contents. We also made him draft a memo explaining our company security policies and why they are important.
The only reason he did not get fired was there was no harm done, he is a kid with a lot of potential, and his manager thinks he can be taught.
I wonder — have new grads never worked anywhere before? I get that high school kids can often not easily find real hobby jobs but I would think that most people would at least have had summer jobs some time in college.
Yeah, I don’t know that a college job would involve anything that could lead to a gaffe of this kind. Sounds like a clueless 23-year-old to me. And don’t get me wrong, it was a BIG mistake.
My kids are 23 and 21 and never managed to land a summer job. My older child, my daughter, was able to babysit quite a lot, but the part time jobs are going to people trying to support their families now.
My son has a professional internship and it’s his first ever job!
I think you were right not to fire him. Let him make a mistake and learn from it.
This is such a reasonable, fair (or more than fair) treatment. Kudos to you!
We had a couple staffers who decided they could ignore the Return to Work requirement. FWIW, it was reasonably well rolled out – flexible, generous Reasonable Accommodations, lots of warning, logical rationale.
A few of them decided that they could just… lie? One said that the internet had told them that nobody cared anymore if you were in the office or not and decided to just… lie? When asked about their in office days.
Oh yeah, we saw a lot of that when we started returning to work. Probably not surprisingly, most of those people no longer work here. They weren’t fired but they were warned that they couldn’t just do whatever the heck they wanted to do, that there was a standard to uphold. I think most self-selected out. I also thought my office’s policies were pretty darn reasonable and still allowed for flex scheduling, so those individuals definitely were making A Choice.
I wonder why they wouldn’t pursue WFH as an accommodation!
Because, as those of us who have health issues that qualify and who did apply and go through the process to completion (ie got the accommodation) can tell you: it is a long, demoralizing process in which your supervisor and/or HR get to pretend they are your doctor and/or parent and explain why not wanting to come in = not “trusting them to keep you safe.”
Wow, that sucks. I can actually tell you from experience that where I work, the process is basically this:
Your doctor says what accommodation is needed. They don’t usually need to provide the diagnosis. They need to be a medical professional saying X is needed. There’s a separate unit that handles this. Then, if it’s more than just an equipment thing, ONLY the supervisor gets an email that says ‘Susan Smith has requested 100% WFH. Is there any business reason this is not possible?’
You aren’t allowed to ask more questions – you explain whether or not it is operationally feasible. That’s it. Confidentiality is tops.
Because (at least in my office) most of them do not need to work from home; they want to work from home. My HR department gave out waivers like candy on Halloween but we still required a bare minimum of medical documentation.
My favorite was the person who talked about how happy she was to be in person at her gym again and had multiple international trips planned but was “too anxious about Covid” to come to the office.
Worst on Insta? I just saw an influencer give herself a medical grade peel at home. She looks RAW. Even if she doesn’t scar, I weep for anyone with sensitive skin who might have been influenced.
Not exactly advice. But I’ve seen a video that glamorized walking on broken ice chunks floating on Chicago’s Lake Michigan. Makes my blood boil thinking kids will see that and might try someday.
I grew up near one of the great lakes and I hear you about the glamorizing walking on the ice floes. Kids have been doing that for generations (and sometimes it ends very badly) but I think kids who otherwise wouldn’t do it might be tempted to so they can make their own video for likes…
Nothing really career wise, but I do find that laundry stripping thing that’s apparently still making the rounds hilarious. I’ve been stripping towels and bedding for over two decades and have never put them in the bathtub to do it, lol. So messy and such a waste of time.
does anyone have any uses for sourdough starter discard? thx!
yes! King Arthur has an amazing biscuit recipe — sourdough sandwich biscuits. I make it more than actual sourdough.
https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/buttery-sourdough-biscuits-recipe
This is the best biscuit recipe in the universe. I keep a sourdough starter for the sole purpose of making these biscuits.
Sourdough English muffins (I think also at King Arthur) and check out also The Perfect Loaf blog, which is my favorite sourdough site and the place that really taught me how to bake. He has a lot of discard ideas too.
I really like these pumpkin muffins:
https://www.melskitchencafe.com/sourdough-pumpkin-muffins/
Also Kin Arthur Cookbook has a waffle/pancake recipe using discard that is great.
https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/blog/2019/06/27/sourdough-waffles
King Arthur Flour has the best sourdough discard cracker recipe – like they are so good I sometimes feed my starter for no reason other than to make them! So many possible variations, but one that has been especially popular in our household recently is adding about a quarter cup of shredded pecorino romano and a little less than a teaspoon of a very mellow chili powder. I think they are better with the white whole wheat the recipe calls for, but also work just fine with all purpose flour. https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/sourdough-crackers-recipe
Also love the waffle recipe mentioned above!
Crackers and pizza dough!
Sourdough discard crackers from How Sweet Eats. I like to put TJ’s Everything But the Bagel seasoning on them.
Also King Arthur sourdough pancakes/waffles are fantastic: https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/classic-sourdough-waffles-or-pancakes-recipe
english muffins or pancakes are good
I’m in BigLaw and know that many of you are also. We way overtired our 1Ls and people are all slow overall. So in 2 years, my guess is that there is a major bloodbath after probably one next year for everyone who didn’t just start. It should be like the Hunger Games — people knocking themselves out doing great work so they get to stay. Except it isn’t. I took on a 1L as a favor on some projects and OMG it is bad. I don’t know what law schools teach, but this 1L took no courses geared toward working in BigLaw. So I am doing a ton of training, but substantially more than prior first years. And already, lots of blown deadlines with no explanation and no sense that the audition for more work has been blown. I’m going to have a Come to Jesus meeting on Monday vs ruin this person’s weekend but I feel bad for all new lawyers and yet I’d love to help establish habits that will help them be a good and competent lawyer at the next place they land. If any of you have been able to help turn around a questionable launch at a firm, I’m all ears. This person’s nice but needs a clue (or 10).
I am not sure what classes you think prepare someone for Big Law. Complex Lit? Tax? Real Estate Finance? All schools teach research and writing, but of course the quality of instruction will vary, and a lot of the proficiency is either acquired before law school or never acquired.
That said, the quality of law students took a nosedive about 10 years ago and I don’t think the pandemic helped. A lot of smart people have figured out that the legal profession is not the promise land it was once made out to be and pursued other options.We are not attracting the best and the brightest, and for good reasons. I think we have to acknowledge that the quality of stock is just lower. now.
Evidence, securities, business associations, tax, bankruptcy or creditors rights, administrative law, secured transactions. Those sorts of things. Writing.
Isn’t it well known that law school doesn’t really give you the skills for the *job* part of law? And hasn’t that been a complaint, like, forever?
Summer jobs and clinics are supposed to bridge this gap and also taking on pro bono projects, reviewing things from the CLE library, and reading trade publications. If you are, say, 30% utilized, please be planning your exit strategy and be actively looking for your next job. Your firm isn’t busy enough to justify keeping you on unless you show a lot of promise and are very easy to send work to.
This is a big warning light to all reading this. If you are likely below 80% and/or utilized materially below your peers, refresh your resume and start going to lunch and making all the connections you can in your job search. You need to make a plan and do it before your next review.
Yes, but IMG it is so bad. Like high school intern level bad. Or worse? I think the teens I see as cashiers or wait staff got the memo in responsiveness and these are obviously in-person jobs. I can imagine any of them making it as solo practitioners or working for legal aid or as public defenders, where you have to hit the ground running as fast as you can.
+1 and I’ve seen a real “I killed myself for this job and you should too, and be grateful for the opportunity” attitude from some (now) young partners who started their careers in the recession and it only reflects poorly (and as out of touch) on them.
I’m just not sure that a lot of new lawyers have any real sense of what it is like to be a lawyer. It’s too late for many, but BigLaw actually isn’t hard. Try LegalAid where you get paid little and have actual direct clients with very real problems and you are your own admin. Or working for a small firm where there is all that but no loan forgiveness. BigLaw is a gift to figure it out while getting paid well en route to your next gig.
This. I just remember the first day I shadowed a more senior associate to court for a status conference. “Do you know anything about how this works?” she asked, before we went in. “Not a clue!”
The current first year associates largely had the pleasure of doing the 1L year remotely. If the associates did a single year clerkship, many of them had most of Spring 1L plus all of 2L as law school online. I think back to the importance of my classes, and I am astonished any of these young lawyers are effective.
I feel like schools were not all remote for 2020-2021. Our stupid county schools were but most neighboring areas were in-person. Even ours got normal by spring 2022. 2022-2023 (2L) should have been a normal year in any event.
Mid-Atlantic, and all of the law schools in the region seemed to be remote from March, 2020 through academic year 20-21.
Oof. That’s awful. Did a lot of people defer, I wonder. Or not because they likely couldn’t line up anything and maybe had already rented an apartment.
So you were trash at hiring are setting people up to fail and are wondering why they aren’t begging for more? Lolz
Did you take on a first-year law school student? or a first-year lawyer? Either way, I have no idea what “courses geared toward” Big law are supposed to be and would love to know what school teaches those because it is well established that law schools rarely teach anything practical.
Also you admit to overtiring your first years and then still expect them to “Hunger Games” for you? what on earth?
Yeah this is so toxic
I think the OP meant to say overhiring.
Ahh okay. Well she isn’t communicating here, is complaining about brand new associates not being able to communicate well, and on top of that the firm messed up by over hiring and they want the employees to do “hunger games” for them. I still think it’s a toxic environment.
I think she meant to say that they “over hired” their first year associates, and auto-incorrect changed it to overtired. Exactly opposite meanings, and reading this as “over hired first year associates” makes the entire mess make more sense. (Note to the OP: you are not the clearest writer on the planet.)
I assume “overhiring” – e.g. they should know competition will be fierce for available longer term jobs.
This — the next option may be document review. No one really wants a second or third year from anywhere but a few leading firms.
My guess is that people hired like interest rates wouldn’t rise and transactional work wouldn’t slow up (but not restructuring — yikes!). But at BigLaw, it’s not like most lawyers have any real say in how many offers are extended or any control over the yield. They just see at most utilization numbers and they are not good across the board.
I wouldn’t feel bad for anyone: these hires will likely make 2 years of BigLaw salary before being let go, which is more than most people get in a lifetime. Hopefully they will get some skills but you can’t control that.
I think it was a typo and meant to be “overhired”
Are we supposed to feel sorry for these new law grads? They took out loans to their own detriment. They chose Big Law.
This sounds like complaints about every 1L class ever. It’s almost always a systemic training issue at the firm. Look higher for the problem.
+1
Yes and when new hires are sitting around not busy, it is painful for me because I know what is coming. They seem unaware? Truly an example where failure is an orphan. No one owns the problem so no one is able to fix it.
I see two distinct issues: the lack of knowledge and the blown deadlines.
We all know law school does not prepare people to be lawyers. A lack of practical knowledge is to be expected. Yes it is frustrating to have to train and yes it takes longer than it would have to do it yourself, but that is the way we all learned. This is where you point the associate to practical resources and suggest they consult them, preferably before they start the assignment.
If that was all you complained about I would be rolling my eyes at you, but multiple blown deadlines point to a problem with this associate, especially if combined with sloppiness in other areas (did they do their research?) And it is 100% appropriate for you to say that there is no excuse short of death or being in the hospital to blow a deadline without an email explaining why and no good reason other than a genuine emergency to blow it in the first place (I will accept illness or family emergency, at least the first time; I do not care that you spent the weekend in Vegas.) Same with sending me a draft with egregious spelling/grammatical/formatting issues, unless the ask (well before the deadline) is just to be sure they are headed in the right direction. You will be doing this associate a favor to explain that the genuinely obscene money they earn comes with certain expectations and they are not meeting them.
To be honest, this type of attitude is exactly what led me to leave my former firm shortly after the pandemic. It was clear that many juniors were struggling (particularly those who went to law school during the COVID years), but many partners seemed totally puzzled for how to bring those newer associates along, or how to develop a training plan to account for recurring issues. That led to a dynamic that was particularly punishing for “trusted” associates.
I was a very well respected mid-level, and my job became absolutely intolerable as a result. Partners would routinely try to stack my plate as high as possible on my matters, to avoid having to bring on the newer associates (which they had hired), since many juniors were perceived as requiring extra investment and effort.
I’ve definitely got some baggage around this, but I’ll be blunt: you cannot work in a high-attrition workplace and be this confused about how to train others. You work in an environment that inherently requires you to onboard a significant number of people annually. It is completely predictable that you would be particularly vulnerable to whatever is reverberating through the job markets (or the law schools) and producing juniors who require extra attention (or who are less willing to “Hunger Games” for their job). Please figure it out.
Agree and many law firms have hired lawyers in associate-coaching roles. And they don’t actually seem to be more than lipstick on the pig. So the role actually goes to the busy and overworked as just another task. Which is totally unfair. I may bow out also. I’m supposed to be a SME and haven’t personally hired anyone and yet I’m expected to fix problems originating far above my pay grade.
I am confused. You have 1Ls working in your firm? Like people with one semester of law school under their belts? Or do you mean first-year associates?
So just a caution on your approach, many years ago I was a failing first year in the eyes of a senior associate. She decided I needed a come to Jesus talk. She probably had a point on something, I honestly don’t remember my alleged faults (she was also a party of one). But what I do remember is thinking she was super out of line because she wasn’t a partner, she wasn’t my boss and a lot of what she had to say was misplaced. The most delicious thing was growing up to become a GC and hiring for a role she wanted, emailed me about to “connect” and rejecting her outright. Make sure you have all the facts and your story straight. You’re senior today but not forever.
My favorite pair of work/travel pants are on sale at Anthro: The Colette Cropped Wide-Leg Ponte Pants by Maeve. They’ve held up well, I machine wash and hang dry, and look current. It is a heavy Ponte though so while they are breathable, they aren’t particularly cool in hot climates although I’ve worn them in SC in the fall without wanting to die.
Thanks! I grabbed a pair.
Where do you draw the line in marriage between “picking your battles” and correcting minor things that annoy you but will piss your husband off more if you correct him? For example: texted my husband a sandwich order. He comes back with the wrong order, and says it’s what I told him. It’s right there in the text message… but if I push the issue that one step further he will be in a bad mood for 30minutes to 3 hours. I’ve always just thought of his prickliness as the price of admission, but one of my (unmarried but longtime partnered) girlfriends says absolutely not.
Well, it’s either a price of admission or a dealbreaker. There is no third option.
This gets repeated here all the time, but I don’t agree. Having a calm conversation where you express your preferences and say that it does not feel fair to go into a funk for hours over a misunderstanding can improve matters in the future. I’ve seen it work many times. Of course the caveat is that you have to have a spouse who actually cares about working with you.
I definitely agree you can talk to your spouse about things that bother you, but it seems like she knows how he’ll react (“if I push the issue that one step further he will be in a bad mood for 30minutes to 3 hours”), so it doesn’t sound like talking about it is going to be productive in her case.
“There is no third option” presumes you’ve already tried the calm conversation. If there’s no change after one or maybe a couple calm conversations, you’re right back to “dealbreaker vs. price of admission.”
This right here.
I wouldn’t bother in that case because it isn’t going to solve anything. (Or the person I aspire to be wouldn’t bother; my actual reactive self would). You still don’t have the sandwich you want. I would try if it is something that could prevent future problems.
Oof, it depends. If the sandwich order is not correct but the sandwich is still edible (I don’t have food allergies, I have some food preferences but I highly doubt my husband would mistakenly put cottage cheese or pumpkin pie on a sandwich), point it out and move on. We were carpooling to work the other day and he made a VERY sketchy maneuver in traffic and then got mad when I told him to look out and I didn’t back down on that because it was sketchy and made me feel unsafe. We got together when we were in high school, so my threshold for price of admission is probably higher than most, just because we grew into adults together.
Is this a one-off or a symptom of a larger issue? Is the sandwich a metaphor for him not knowing what you like or not listening to you? That’s a bigger conversation.
I agree with this. If you can’t speak up about something unsafe/risky because it will “set him off,” that is not a recipe for a happy life together and you’ll be better off single or with someone else. I’ve seen those men go from “prickly” to full-blown abusive in no time.
This is not about whether you can eat the sandwich or not. It’s about him not listening to you (or reading your text), not taking responsbility for the mistake and mostly being a sulky baby somehow blaming you for his mistake. If this is a pattern, it goes beyond “prickliness” and I would consider that it needs to be addressed through therapy or otherwise.
Exactly this. This is not a sandwich problem it’s a communication and resolution issue. Sulking for hours because you called him out on an error is…not great. Therapy can help you work through HOW you handle disagreements including seemingly minor ones and resolve things more effectively and constructively.
There is a chance this may be a first sign of upcoming abuse. Before going to therapy, try the calm conversation etc etc and make sure you do want to stay with him.
exactly this. Your husband is not paying attention–the sandwich is in the text. He is distracted, doesn’t’ really care. Did he get the right sandwich for himself??? My husband reacts badly to any feedback I give him. He gets defensive and points out something distantly related that I screwed up. One thing he consistently does is takes a grocery list, doesn’t read the details, grabs foods, and comes home with the wrong stuff. I finally had to make him have a real conversation about this….so much drama about nothing.
That is irritating. I think you’ve posted before – this is a typical inattentive habit of his?
I would re-iterate things a lot with them.
His pouting would drive me crazy. That’s worse than the mistake. He is punishing me for his error.
lol forever that you think this is such an uncommon problem that OP has posted before!
The sandwich order thing is definitely familiar.
+1
Again, I think that inattentive husbands and boyfriends are (unfortunately) incredibly common and many of them get food orders wrong, albeit genuine or manufactured incompetence.
+1
It’s so interesting, I noticed that too. My husband kept a note in his phone of all my food orders specifically to avoid messing it up.
I have definitely read a post about this specific issue before.
Yeah, like 6 months ago here – very similar! https://corporette.com/nude-for-you-apple-watch-band-handdn/#comment-4459709
My two cents, I agree with those saying this is about way more than a sandwich.
How many people order sandwiches from their husbands and not DoorDash?
Absolutely the sandwich thing is manageable but for me, the pouting would be a gigantic dealbreaker.
for me it’s the inability to admit that he made an error. Assuming there is still a sandwich the OP can eat, this is such an inconsequential thing to dig his heels over. My DH would say sorry, my bad, I will try to do better next time(although he might not). How are you going to discuss bigger problems that he might be to blame for?
Your husband is not coming across well in this situation. When I think of picking my battles, it’s stuff like my DH has this stupid game day cup collection that he wants proudly on display, even though I think it’s tacky and hideous. I have acquiesced because I still make the bulk of the design decisions in our house. Or, the annoying thing he does when he takes out the trash but forgets the smaller trash cans in the kids’ rooms or bathrooms that need emptying.
That’s picking my battles. Not whether or not I’ll be iced out by my husband if I dare to call him on being dead wrong about something that affects me.
It actually looks to me like OPs husband is doing a bad job picking HIS battles when he gets pouty over a wrong sandwich order.
Good point.
To me that seems at some point like weaponized incompetence because the only thing required is someone reading a text message. Now if the message was unclear in some way, I would get that. If you want to deal with the drama over it, then it’s not a dealbreaker. Would I personally? No.
Do his bad moods have actual consequences or are they simply unpleasant?
If my partner wants to sulk, then that’s how they want to spend their time. But if they’re in a bad mood and respond cruelly, stonewall, refuse to do agreed-upon tasks, that’s a different thing.
Ultimately, think about what your goals are and what underpins them. Do you want your sandwich right? Do you want your partner to know you feel hurt when they are thoughtless? That’s going to shape your approach and the battles you choose.
I mean it is solely up to you whether you want to live like this or not.
+1 – I didn’t want to get married so badly that I’d accept general prickiliness as a routine part of my relationship. A bad day is one thing but as a general disposition, no thanks. OP, you get to make a choice here about what you put up with.
Your friend is right. Deciding whether to say something or not based on how your husband will react is not a “pick your battles” thing.
“Pick your battles” involves minor annoyances that can be lived with in the name of marital harmony. An example is making space for collections or accepting clothes tossed on the floor.
I could not personally be with someone I had to walk on eggshells around. I know this for a fact because I divorced him. Husband 2.0 does not have that bug.
+1
I would not do well in this kind of relationship tbh. If you can’t communicate (vs. pouting, silent treatment) and take justified criticism/feedback I don’t want to be married to you. Are you planning to have kids together? While I can see being able to ignore the sulking/not being able to handle being corrected thing in small doses I would not be ok with my husband modeling that behavior in front of our kids.
And for comparison’s sake, I goofed on my husband’s taco order a few weeks back when I grabbed dinner with our kids. He noticed it was wrong, asked about it, I apologized and offered to swap meals. He said no, it’s fine, and then we all ate dinner together peacefully.
Right – this is what I have too. If the order is wrong, the person who messed up apologizes, offers a way to make it right (go back to the counter, switch meals, whatever based on context), and then we move on and never mention it again.
You just reminded me – we’ve taught our kids that when they apologize they need to state what they did wrong, say they are sorry, and offer a way to try to make it better. When they were small it was ‘I ripped your drawing up because I was mad, that was wrong and I’m sorry. Would you like a hug/another drawing I made/a chance with my favorite toy/etc.’
We HEAVILY modeled and reinforced this (Like in an over the top way at first – ‘Oh DH I am SO sorry I cut up your sandwich instead of leaving it whole. I forgot but will do better at remembering next time. Would you like some extra chips to make you feel better?’). Nobody likes to be wrong/apologize but it is something they need to do and get comfortable with. As they’ve gotten older we’ve taught them that apologizing is not an instant get out of jail free card, the other person may choose not to forgive them, etc.
So….I guess I’m saying that your husband is less mature than my tween/teen and that would be the bigger issue to me!
Wow – that is so awesome. Good Mom you are.
This is great. My parents have never apologized for anything ever and I am also quite bad at it. I’m grateful my husband has been patient and understanding with me while I get better.
I always remember what Sheryl Sandberg said about letting the dad put the diaper on the baby’s head without correcting him. She believed that he would eventually figure it out. If it’s a domestic task or something he’s trying to do around the house, I’d never correct him. Doing so might discourage him from attempting it again.
Yeah that’s weaponized incompetence
Huh? Not ordering the correct food when it was written down in front of him and then sulking when it’s pointed out?? This is not the same as loading the dishwasher differently. Once again, the bar is below the floor.
This. Doing something differently (folding towels/clothes, loading the dishwasher…) is a normal thing. Not being able to be corrected on something that is obviously wrong (diaper on the baby’s head, food order that is in a text he can read) is a whole other matter. I have been in lines where guys will read the text to the person taking the order so they don’t get it wrong…
+1 and this is also mischaracterizing what Sheryl Sandberg said. Her point was that you shouldn’t micromanage a spouse who is trying to be helpful but doing things a different way than you would, e.g., loading the dishwasher differently. She didn’t say you should accept weaponized incompetence if someone is doing something objectively wrong.
I’m so glad my MIL raised her son to be able to take criticism and correction…this idea that we have to baby the men we marry and ‘let them figure it out’ lest we hurt their feelings should be left in the 50s where it belongs.
OP should be able to say ‘hey you got my order wrong’ without her husband getting sulky…
Maybe the sandwich shop have him the wrong sandwich and he ordered the right one.
If you’re the person who has commented in the past- I would get help, and/or separate. If you’re not the person who has commented in the past, I’d explore if you can have the calm conversation to at minimum figure out is the specific act of ordering you food, following instructions via text, being in restaurants alone, etc, what he struggles with? If the blowup is stemming from a piece of this in lieu of he can’t admit he made a mistake and didn’t care for your wishes, and this isn’t happening regularly in all areas of life then sure, price of admission. For me, price of admission issues I can workaround – I order my food online so he can pick mine up, I call him on the phone instead of text him instructions, we order delivery instead of having him go to a restaurant alone. (Assuming he doesn’t do this stuff for anyone else. Like the kids. And yes he is capable of separately working on strategies to minimized prices of admission, but it means it’s not a I’ll leave you if you don’t change thing.)
I need outfit ideas! I’m going to be going to dinner at a Michelin star restaurant and then to a punk show at a bar afterwards. I’m not worried about being overly formal at the restaurant, but I’m trying to think of something that would work well for both.
I know I keep saying this, but my go-to outfit for that outing would be midi-length tulle skirt with a dressy tee or sweatshirt, and a leather moto jacket on top. Stompy boots optional.
This, but change it to a sheer shirt underneath the tee or sweater and ditch the top layer for the concert.
From my closet, I would wear my grey midi wrap dress or my black ruched midi dress (both somewhat body con but not tight) with black tights or stockings and a pair of flat or lug-soled boots with silver embellishments.
Those silver pants that are everywhere right now with a t-shirt, and then a nicer sweater on top for dinner
How big of a red flag is this? I applied to a job through a trusted recruiter. I’m now at the end of the process and the company previewed an offer that is 20% below the range the recruiter quoted originally.
Their offer is pretty much exactly flat with my current comp (which is suspicious in itself). This job is also much less flexible than my current role. I have a unique skill set and am near the top of the range for years of experience, so and assumed I would come in mid to top range (which would be a huge jump over this current offer), which would be worth the loss of flexibility, but now I’m negotiating to even get to the bottom of the range.
They told the recruiter there are “internal pay equity issues at play”, which makes me think my pay would effectively be capped on an ongoing basis by someone else’s pay.
I trust the recruiter – I believe the company gave them the wrong range. The recruiter placed me at a prior role and spoke with many of my friends about this new role and quoted them all the same range I was quoted. I think it’s a company side issue.
How would you think about this?
Completely leaving out who is to blame here or what went wrong, I would think that there is no reason for me to give up my current job for this offer.
This, exactly. You’re getting nothing for the political capital you lose to make this move. And you lose flexibility too. Hard pass.
I wouldn’t consider taking it and I would tell them exactly why not.
I’d tell the recruiter that I’m not interested in a less flexible role for anything less the the top of the top range originally named (name the specific number). I say go for the very top and nothing less since you have an indication that you may be capped once you’re there. And be prepared to walk.
Regarding how you would think about it, Put aside whatever happened on the company side/recruiter side; that’s their problem, not yours. Don’t spend a lot of time thinking about what happened, only what they are offering you. I think sometimes I can think too much about the process and trying to understand what happened, which can make me too forgiving in negotiations. But this is about your fair compensation: you don’t switch jobs for the same amount of money and less flexibility.
+1. Why on earth would you leave a better set up for the same amount of money? It’s not your job to subsidize the company’s pay issues. If they can’t pay you what you were quoted you turn down the offer and hopefully they’ll realize if they play stupid games on pay they win stupid prizes (losing a good candidate and having to start from scratch).
OP and to be clear, I wouldn’t take the current offer and did tell the recruiter I expect top of the original range. I think I probably didn’t frame my question correctly – I’m very put off by this EVEN IF they meet my asks, but I wasn’t sure if that’s reasonable if I otherwise like the team/comp ends up fine.
My current company is somewhat unstable so while I like my current job I’m selectively looking proactively.
Give the recruiter your minimum number and ask for other opportunities. It sounds like it’s not a good fit…if you’re worth more, find a company that needs whatever it is that makes you worth more, because this company doesn’t seem to have budget for it.
I would not even think about this for another second. Aw hell no.
Keep moving along.
Help: I’m looking for a lightweight foundation that just evens out my skintone without being too heavy. My problem is that I’ve tried many types of tinted moisturizers over the years and I swear they make me look worse than I started. They’re too greasy and have zero lasting power. Or they are straight-up orange (looking at you, IT cosmetics). Even though I’m in my 40s, I still have combination skin and seem to need fuller coverage for anything to last more than a few hours. Am I asking the impossible? I just want to even out my natural ruddiness.
I really like the Laura Mercier Smooth Finish foundation powder. I had never considered powdered foundation before, but it’s so much easier to use than liquid, and it just evens everything out for me. Wouldn’t work if you have dry skin, but for combo/oily, I think it’s great!
Hmm, I may have to give that a shot.
A lightweight foundation or tinted moisturizer is not going to give that kind of coverage. I like the Tom Ford Soft Matte foundation. It seems heavy going on but doesn’t feel heavy during the day. It’s the only thing I’ve found that actually covers redness, doesn’t pill or splotch, and doesn’t rub off all over my clothes.
I bought the Cover Girl Clean Matte BB Cream on a whim and I am
Actually very surprised by how much I like it. I wear it over sunscreen and it mattifies that but doesn’t feel heavy. The color is a good match for my fair, neutral-toned skin and I think they have a decent range of shades. It evens out my skin but doesn’t have a lot of coverage so I use concealer on top as well.
I am super into the Merit Beauty foundation sticks and the application brush. I’ve given up all liquid foundations in favor of this. It’s like the perfect amount of coverage for me.
Shiseido Revitalessence is a gorgeous foundation. Really nice color range, no orange in my shade range.
Start with good skincare under any foundation for best results, but this one is pretty hard to mess up.
I have tried many foundations, but my 40y combo skin works only with MAC foundations. They have a generous shade range, the foundations hold full day, they look natural. I use Studio Fix foundation as I have lots of redness to cover, but you may do well with other types, which look even more natural.
Came here to recommend MAC, I like the mineralize foundation line.
Bobbi Brown’s Foundation Stick is a long-time best seller for a reason. I put a few strategic swipes on my face and buff it out and it’s magic.
Oh yeah, that’s a good one too. I recommended the Shiseido above, which sits on my skin a little better than the Bobbi Brown stick, but I have one of those sticks on me for touch ups all the time. I have rosacea so…
Estee Lauder double wear. How heavy it is depends on how you apply it.
I don’t mean to incite the crowd here but I’m curious who is lurking in the middle of the political spectrum these days.
I live in CA and used to consider myself a democrat but watching the state pretty much start to slide off a cliff I’ve veered toward the middle and a registered independent.
I do not want to move but have watched many I personally know flee to other states (namely Texas and Tennessee).
Specifically, the major cities in my metro (Oakland and San Francisco) have really fallen quickly. Oakland in particular was really safe (relatively speaking) and gentrifying rapidly pre-pandemic. Now people are moving out rapidly in response to a steep rise in crime.
Additionally, looking at experiments in places like Portland, I think a lot of the ultra-liberal policies have swung so far and am hoping to see a return to normalcy in the near future.
I feel like a lot of us are staying out of the highly partisan conversations but in wondering if I’m imaging it. Are the moderates here?
I’m a lifelong Californian and I live in Oakland. What makes you think the state has fallen off a cliff?
We have the best university system in the world (the UC alone publishes something like 10% of all science), home prices are steady or rising, we had significantly less covid death than other states, drug related crime is a part of living in cities with income inequality and we’ve maintained women’s reproductive healthcare rights.
I’m a native Californian and really have a hard time imagining myself living anywhere else. I can criticize my own state with the best of ‘em but it’s still miles better than any other I’ve seen.
I’m just to your north in Berkeley.
I am concerned about crime in Oakland, but that’s just the reality. It doesn’t impact where in the political spectrum I find myself. I feel like there are tons of moderates, or at least there are tons of people who feel strongly about a tiny number of issues, and are middle-of-the road on most issues.
I lean right and generally stay out of the conversations.
At this point, what world-class cities does America have left that aren’t experiencing a steep rise in crime? Where can you find world class art, music, universities, and public areas (parks, riverwalks), and still be as safe as you would have been twenty years ago?
Crazy idea: our cities are with protecting, and it’s a national issue as well as a state issue. People come from around the world to live in DC, NYC, Chicago, San Francisco, Boston. When there are 940 carjackings a year, is DC still a world class city, or will it soon be the next Detroit just with politicians?
Your last sentence about DC is pretty spot-on. It is always teetering in the brink.
Huh? Some neighborhoods are tough, but it is absolutely a world-class city, and not teetering on the brink of anything.
Crime is actually not rising in most cities, it is falling. DC is an outlier in terms of murder rates. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/people-think-crime-rate-up-actually-down-rcna129585
I totally agree that cities are worth protecting.
Statically, this is largely correct. But I agree that it doesn’t necessarily feel that way. It’s also hard to untangle crime from the current mental health crisis. But this isn’t a strict liberal vs conservative issue necessarily.
To the OP, I think some of the more progressive policies that we have recently experimented with haven’t worked but that is part of being in a democracy to me. You try things. Some work, some don’t. You reform what doesn’t work and try more of what does. We had a broken system before, too.
I think the “actually, crime is falling” response is one way the Dems are screwing up messaging. When constituents say they’re fearful about carjackings or tired of paying for their 7th smash-and-grab repair, the “but statistics” answer is just plain infuriating.
This, when police are understaffed it’s not surprising that stats show a rosy picture. It’s more politics but people aren’t stupid.
Absolutely, most people were never at risk of getting murdered but they could park a car and expect to back to it in the way they left it. It doesn’t matter if murder rates are down but theft and robberies are up, those are terrible experiences for people.
It feels really similar to the “actually, the economy is doing great” line. Rent is up and so are the costs of things like food at the grocery store, and employer sponsored health insurance premiums for a lot of us as well. So it’s nice that somebody’s doing so well, but why won’t they listen to their voters? And throwing money at policing doesn’t always improve crime when too many people are hitting a crisis point!
+ 1. For people to say “it’s just property crime” as if it didn’t matter infuriates me. We should be safe from people bipping our cars and breaking into our homes. A residential burglary is very traumatic, and shouldn’t be considered the price of living in the City.
This. Spoken as a foreigner who lived in the US for a few years then got out because of the decay and lack of safety/civilisation.
I think the Bay Area and PNW are somewhat unique microcosms politically. I’m a Texas Democrat, which probably makes me a moderate in your world. But local elections are also very different from national elections – I hope that whatever you’re seeing in the Bay Area as ultraliberalism doesn’t cause you to vote Republican at the national level. Because for those of us in red states, we’re very concerned about the loss of rights we’ve seen recently (i.e., abortion and heathcare for women) and how another Trump regime would impact us. Which isn’t to say that there shouldn’t be efforts to move away from the ultra-liberal policies you’re describing and an attempt to make your part of the country more moderate, but that’s still pretty different than what a moderate or independent looks like in the middle or south of the country.
Yes… this.
Everything is relative.
And you are looking at extreme locations, where many of the residents are themselves struggling with improving these issues and want to. I encourage you to focus on the big picture.
Agree with this. I live in CA (but not the Bay Area) and would generally say I’m very liberal, but I’m fundamentally a pragmatist above all else and it seems very clear that the drug and crime policies in Portland and the Bay Area aren’t working… they might be okay in a country where we had a better healthcare and social support system, but that’s not the country we actually live in. That only strengthens my support for Democratic policies in general, though I have no problem saying that some of the specifics of local politics aren’t a good idea.
They are also unique because they are in the 9th Circuit and while I love them on a lot of issues their position on homelessness has absolutely hamstrung the ability of local government to deal with the issue. Fingers crossed the Supreme Court overturns them – which might be the first time in my life I have ever said that.
I understand that people “feel” like crime is more of an issue but while it is up from a few years ago, it is hardly at historical levels (speaks someone who lived in the Bay Area in the late 80s and early 90s). Your “feelings’ about crime, while certainly legitimate, are a product of the media and social media. When was the last time the national news rans a story about the crime rate in Memphis? Little Rock? I am also not sure where you get that the police in California are underfunded. California spends a lot on police – more than most other states per capita. And at the city level, Oakland is not under-policed (San Bernardino maybe!)
Just because crime is not comparable to the height of the crack-era Oakland does not mean the “feelings” on crime are meaningless.
This is downplaying the huge backslide Oakland is experiencing and the waves of people (residents and businesses) leaving Oakland in droves. Either to the suburbs or out of state entirely.
I’m do you actually love here now? I’ve lived in SF since the 80s and still do and hate to break it to you but what’s categorized as “petty” crime (that’s actually far worse, I’m not cool with it because I’m not dead) is the worst it’s ever been. At least in the 80s and 90s there were groups like the guardian angels to escort you around union square.
My feelings about crime aren’t a product of social media. They’re a product of using my eyes and ears when I walk the streets of San Francisco. This weird gaslighting has got to stop – people aren’t concerned about crime because they’ve been whipped into a frenzy by Fox News. It’s there for anyone to experience firsthand. When I walked home at 7 pm in Berkeley and had two mentally ill homeless men yell obscenities at me and follow me for a block, it wasn’t an overactive imagination that was the problem. Women deserve safe cities. We all do.
Exactly this.
I’m a moderate, but I came over from the Right. I used to be independent, then registered R to vote in the 2016 primary (for Kasich) then registered D to be able to vote in subsequent primaries, in my state you have to pick a side.
The right is just so despicable I can’t be associated with them, but I disagree with a lot of policies from the left, too. I also feel like the dem party has become so myopic over certain issues, and trips itself up with pretend inclusivity and courting fringe issues, that it is not a very cohesive or representative party, either. I’d say I’m pretty much exactly in the middle and I vote across parties for all elections.
“I also feel like the dem party has become so myopic over certain issues, and trips itself up with pretend inclusivity.”
OP here and I feel the same about dems at a national level too. That is especially infuriating.
I have grave concerns about things like abortion as well (pro-choice here) that make me not want to associate with the right but I also have big picture concerns with Dems in regard to fiscal and international policy.
That said, while I know I benefit from the ultra liberal bubble I live in as far as women’s rights, it feels like there needs to be some moderates to take control of both parties and stop catering to the fringes. So that if I held my nose to vote R (honestly TBD) I don’t have the weight of state issues on my shoulders. I know then being state issues is another can of worms to open but just commenting on the state of where we are currently.
The Dems are so myopic. I honestly think that pretending sex doesn’t exist has made people lose even more trust in federal agencies like CDC.
Yah, this is an example when they overplayed their hand and really alienated a lot of people. Certainly transgender people exist, LGBTQ rights are important, and this is an issue to be aware of and work for…but being “gender fluid” seems like a trend among teenagers and young adults — a group that is figuring themselves out and loves to hop on bandwagons! — and it’s a bad idea to spend so much energy and political capital on the latest polarizing trend.
It’s also a bad idea to mindlessly defend putting male rapists in women’s prisons or to allow complication-prone experimental surgery on minors with significant histories of trauma and mental health comorbidities. It’s been unbelievable to me to see the positions that so-called women’s rights supporters have defended without even a second’s worth of critical thinking. I’ll still never vote Republican at the federal level, but man, I wish Dems made it easier to be on their side.
This. When core issues like education, healthcare (women’s rights), gun control, legal immigration, and war/conflict overseas are the things that need to be addressed. It does seem there is room for a third party to pop up and be the adult.
I wish there were more moderates. I was disturbed by the recent story in the SF Chronicle about the Hayward school district that contracted with “Woke Kindergarten” for $250K and saw reading proficiency drop from 16% to 12% and math proficiency from 8% to 4%. Woke Kindergarten aimed “to train teachers to confront white supremacy, disrupt racism and oppression and remove those barriers to learning.” The kids in that school district largely have no other choices for where to go to get an actual education in the basics.
Failing them as early as kindergarten is so par for the course in the Bay Area now. I’ve lived here my entire life and there are certain aspects like this that are terrible and should be denounced more. I’m particularly tired of a certain brand of progressive that likes to downplay street conditions with statements like “I’ve never felt unsafe walking in Oakland” or “if it feels unsafe for you, imagine how it feels to live on the streets.” The good news is that the pendulum does start to be swinging back to non-crazy. I’ve heard that Portland is beginning to reverse some of the worst harms of drug use celebration.
It’s also just straight up brainwashing. Kindergarteners are not able to understand global issues and if you tell them “Israel is bad,” they will believe it.
Agreed – brainwashing kids who can’t read (and won’t be learning to) is awful.
Co-sign on all of this. It’s insane.
And to this point, while the Bay Area is a microcosm, to me it very clearly signals how these policies would play out nationwide if they caught enough support. And I want to ensure we don’t get there. Thus my pining for more moderates on both sides.
And in an update article in the Chronicle today, the founder had this to say:
“Efforts to reach the organization were not successful, with an automated response saying the founder, Akiea “Ki” Gross, who identifies as they/them, was recovering from surgery.
It appeared Gross posted recently on social media, saying, “Yes, everyone, the rumors are true. … I am 100%, ten toes down anti-Israel. I believe Israel has no right to exist. I believe the United States has no rights to exist,” they said in the video posted on Instagram, a previously public account that is now private. “I believe every settler colony that has committed genocide against native peoples, against indigenous people has no right to exist.
“Is this news to anybody?” they continued. “Y’all are the demons. Y’all are the villains. We’ve been trying to end y’all. Get free of y’all.”
You can’t make this stuff up.
I’m so confused by these types of comments. What do they propose happens to essentially half the countries in the world? How would this work? At what point in time history do we need revert back to?
They don’t propose. Just criticize. That’s the whole point.
Exactly, AIMS. Criticize and find a way to make money.
When I saw that, I was kind of surprised it wasn’t one of our local school districts. I remember being appalled during COVID about the focus on changing high school names in SF instead of say, trying to figure out how to get kids back into classrooms. Turns out it actually never happened, but what nonsense.
^They never managed to change the names of the high schools.
This isn’t an answer to your question, and I’m not trying to be mansplain-y, but I just want to make sure that when you say you’re a “registered independent”, and you registered with the American Independent Party, you know that they’re actually a VERY far-right party. If you truly want to be independent, you need to register No Party Preference (NPP) or Decline to State (DTS). A lot of people make this mistake, so I just wanted to share the information.
In CA if you decline a party it calls you independent. I’m sure that’s what OP is, I did that too. Formerly D, now nothing. Also in the Bay Area. Cannot abide by the far left or far right, hate how toxic things are. Will vote D in any federal election, local for more conservative politicians that are tougher on crime and anti woke school/workplace issues.
I’d always registered without party affiliation, but now that CA is a predominately vote by mail state, I changed to D in 2020 so that I’d get a Democratic primary ballot for the presidential primary without having to make a special request. CA has open primaries so you’re able to vote in them regardless of party affiliation, and because statewide primaries are top two, it doesn’t matter for those, but they have to know which ballot to send you in the mail for the presidential, and I figured it was less hassle to just have it sent automatically (the default is that you don’t get to vote on presidential candidates in the primary).
Yeah, you do have to request a ballot and you can’t get a republican one without being registered in CA but they make it very easy and send you the form in plenty of time.
Sorry, but that’s not correct. If you decline a party it classifies you as “no party preference” in California. If you register as “independent” you will be affiliated with the (far right) American Independent Party.
https://www.sos.ca.gov/elections/political-parties/no-party-preference
https://www.sos.ca.gov/elections/political-parties/qualified-political-parties
Agree – I’m a Californian who was a “Decline to State” party affiliation for years. Registered Democrat now because I campaigned for Hillary in 2016.
I don’t like either party but the degree to which I disagree is vast. Like, I think Democrats pick the wrong issues to die on a hill over and I think the general smugness is annoying, but Republicans (the pro-Trump wing anyway, which seems to be pretty much the whole party these days) is overtly racist, burns books, hates women, and are apparently pro-insurrection. Does that make me a moderate?
I like Biden’s policies but he’s clearly too old to run. I hate everything about Trump. I’ll still vote for Biden, don’t get me wrong – but if he were up against a moderate and sane Republican, I’d lean in that direction.
I kissed the book burning. The only thing I saw was that books which cannot legally be read out loud on cable news aren’t available in elementary schools.
Book burning like this? https://www.firstalert4.com/2024/02/07/missouri-secretary-state-candidate-posts-video-her-using-flamethrower-burn-books/
Moving to Tennessee or Texas is all fun and games until you need something that is controlled by state law: like healthcare.
Or if you or a member of your family is gay or trans; or until you move to Memphis and find out it is actually the most dangerous city in American; or you get shot because their complete lack of gun laws means they have one of the highest rates of gun violence in the country; or . . .
Moving to Texas sounds great until….
you are divorced from a sociopath who is absolutely crazy. He has people continuing to harass me. I can’t prove it’s him, the police don’t care and if I accuse him of this I look crazy.
Give me NYC area every single day of the week. People are kind and they also don’t tolerate this sort of crap. Texas supports anything a man does or wants to do. As a woman, your best bet is to play nice and take the abuse because no one is changing anything here.
Or need to rely on having power available during an ice storm…
I live in a different part of CA, have always been a Democrat, and compared to most Americans, am super super liberal (my family in TX basically act like I’m a talking communist circus animal if politics come up). But since I was worried about my teen’s safety walking because of the homeless encampments <20 feet from her high school, I might as well be a Tr*mp supporter to the local "progressives."
To be frank, I don't think being a one-party state has been a great thing for CA. We've had some significant political scandals (corruption with LA City Council members, City of Bell, state controller's office stuff) while the legislature breaks its arm patting itself on the back for enacting policies that help a tiny number of Californians.
as a Tennesseean until very recently…if you want moderate, don’t move to TN. Nashville seems hip and moderate and all that (I’m guessing they moved there and not Memphis or Knoxville), but the state politics are appalling (especially around race, guns, reproductive rights). It’s a scary state politically.
What woman would move to Texas in 2024? Hard to take this seriously
Women that don’t live in a liberal echo chamber move to Texas or Tennessee. A contingent of this board is so out of touch.
Haha no my moderate republican sister moved from CA to TX and is sorely regretting it.
+1. In addition to the obvious healthcare issues, Texas limits on child support after a divorce are egregious.
I thought divorcing in TX was a strategy for getting away from dangerous but not dangerous enough to impress the courts men, but I guess it’s hard to get away while also getting child support anyway.
The Texas custody schedules are great. The child support is non existent as soon as you both earn more than $150k per year.
The ‘Texas standard’ is really good for the children. My children have suffered a lot from going between the homes every week. Daddy does the bare minimum. I’m left doing all the appointments, all the admin and it would be better if I had the children for 11/14 days.
The maximum child support I can expect to get is $45k a year gross for 3 children, two with ASD and all 3 have ADHD. He made $15m in 2022 and he didn’t pay his half of the school fees or select a payment plan. I paid his portion and he put me on a 12 month payment plan. I can’t afford to fight these types of aggressions.
I’m not being greedy by expecting the school fees, medical costs and childcare to be fully paid for by him. Texas laws say otherwise.
Just wanted to say, I’m so sorry to hear your story, Risked Credit. As if being a single Mom with kids with special needs isn’t hard enough.
Hang in there.
I’m so sorry life is so unfair.
One that doesn’t think it will happen to her, or her friend, or her daughter. Until it does.
I consider myself a moderate. I’m disgusted by Trump and the MAGA wing of the Republican party and don’t see myself ever voting for a Republican in a national election again, but I voted for my red state’s Republican governor in 2020 because the Democrat kept talking about closing schools which was a hard pass for me as a parent to young kids who really need to be in school. I think the deep blue areas that had schools closed for 12-18 months did real educational and emotional harm to a generation of kids. I’m significantly more pro-Israel than the average Democrat, I don’t think people who were assigned male at birth should be able to compete in girls and women’s sports and I think the defund the police movement has gone too far. But like someone else said, my ideological discrepancies with the Republican party are much greater.
I agree about protecting women’s sports. So do most Americans – upwards of 80% in various reputable polls, sometimes more. This is such a losing issue for Dems to hammer, but I’ve noticed some have gone quieter on it lately.
Where are you finding petite wide leg jeans at the moment? Nordstrom has almost nothing in petite (which is where I normally buy jeans, specifically to get petite length) and all the ones I like (J. Crew, Democracy, etc.) are sold out currently. I hate hemming jeans because they never look right, so really trying to find something modern and classic in my right size.
my go-to for petite jeans: madewell, wit & wisdom, kut from the kloth, talbots, gap/banana/boden if you’re under size 14 — loft and ann taylor also have petite denim
I am having this exact same issue and plan to grit my teeth and hit Jcrew, Madewell, Anthropologie, Nordstrom and Bloomingdales this weekend. And then likely be angry, and sad, and need a drink when inevitably nothing fits…
Try GAP. I just got a pair of slim petites there, and I remember seeing wide leg options.
Also Banana Republic has often had good petite options.
Check Jean at extrapetite’s recommendations.
Gap High Rise Stride. These are exactly the look and fit I wanted.
Abercrombie has online. I used to do Gap jeans but the fabric quality has gone down. Madewell online is good. J Crew Factory online, very good sale right now. I haven’t had good luck with J Crew generally for petites because the rises were too short for me (not that they weren’t high enough but that they were made for someone whose waist sat lower on the body), but maybe that works for you?
we just bought a vacation through a travel agent for the first time… after we paid in full they said we’d receive our flight information 2 weeks prior to departure. it’s one of those cheapo airlines where you have to pay if you want to sit with your family, so this just seems really weird to me. is this how it is with all travel agents or just this one? i know that no flight is ever 100% immune from changes but it just feels a little sketchy. the travel agent never even asked for our frequent flyer numbers (or TSA numbers) so we can’t see the info on our own accounts.
That’s a bit weird. The only travel agent I’ve ever used was for Disney and they just manage your tickets/meal plan/Disney hotels, not flights so I’m not sure.
When I travel for work our portal lets us enter our TSA numbers/loyalty numbers so I can’t imagine your agent wouldn’t be able to do that too? I’d press them on your locator IDs so that you can verify the flights are correct and enter your details/chose seats with the airlines directly, especially if you’re flying internationally!
What do you mean by flight information? I’d you mean basic information like airports and times, I would push back hard. If you mean seat assignment, I would worry less. But if you young kids, I would probably push back against that too
And make clear that you want to pay to sit with your family
This is a hard pass for me. Two weeks out you’re finally granted the privilege of seeing flight details? No.
Sorry but same. This is likely to not end well.
This is why it’s generally not a good idea to book flights through a travel agent. When they book hotels or tours for you, they can often get better rates or complimentary upgrades, and they don’t charge you a fee because they normally get paid a commission by the hotel or tour operator. Flights are the opposite of that. They can’t beat the publicly available rates, and they often pass on a fee to you for booking, since they don’t get anything from the airline. I know several travel advisors who don’t even offer their clients the option to book flights for this reason.
Help me shop/search please – I have a presentation with senior leadership in a week (in academia) and I haven’t bought any professional clothes since the initial return from pandemic, since I went up a size. I am worried about looking dated since I haven’t been wearing my suits for a while – generally it’s the jackets that get to play once in a while.
I need some ideas for pantsuits – I’m a size 14 at 5’6″ with a long waist (no petites) and my style is more contemporary soft-masculine – preferring solids to patterns and accentuate with scarves and shirts (mostly geometric or abstract) I will be working alongside two other people, a director and an architect, so am looking to not stand out so much as represent my role as an administrator. I will take all sorts of ideas from search terms to links to actual clothes. Bonus points if there is some black and gold involved – but it’s not required – I have collected plenty of accessories over my 15 years here – we have new leadership.
Get a Veronica Beard blazer, I’m size 14 too and they fit amazingly well and look great for a presentation. I’m partial to the black with gold buttons one. Pair with anything that fits well, the blazer amps up the whole look.
Thank you – that’s some amazing style!
What jeans cut is best for a 40something? It seems every cut imaginable is for sale – skinny, wide, bootcut. I’m not looking to break fashion ground, but I also don’t want to be embarrassingly out-of-fashion. Help.
The best jeans cut depends on your body type and proportions. For me it’s boot cut/flares, but it might not be for you.
I like slim boyfriend as a tr-nsition out of skinnies – rag & bone Dre is my current ride-or-die. As a bonus they fit well with no tailoring on my hourglass-pear hips.
There is no best cut based on age. I’m far older than you and am wearing straight legs, wide legs, and flares. My first rule is: buy the modern cut that is easiest for you to wear (based on your comfort level, body type, and the kinds of tops you already have in your closet). For you, you might start with a jean that loosely follows your leg line and isn’t tight on your thighs, calves, or ankles. Basically a straight leg. But, depending on how your legs are shaped, to get that fit you might need to buy a straight leg, a slim cut, a tapered leg, or a girlfriend/boyfriend cut.
Then pay attention to your tops: higher waists on pants usually mean shorter lengths on tops. So you’ll want to buy shorter tops, or tuck or semi-tuck your current tops.
Non political/religious question…
I was recently promoted to a corporate director position. It’s a mid size company and my background is mostly blue chip. I don’t have mentors and am looking for that… I have a good sense of what I need to do to be successful in role, but what kind of things can I do to get more qualified and be prepared for next roles. What would those roles be?
Interested in well remunerated work in finance/strategy; currently don’t have a masters degree but have undergrad in accounting plus a CPA (still active). Not recently active in professional association leadership, as I’m also a single mum of 4 kids age 4,9, 14, 17. I have good but expensive nanny for the younger kids.
I’ve recently applied for a job at a new organization that is a more senior position. While digging around on their website I found a formal apology that was issued by the head of the organization regarding the treatment of women in their workplace. Turns out this apology was mandated as the result of a class action lawsuit brought by female staff members regarding s*xual harassment at the company. Ummm. . . Bullet dodged. But . . . How likely is it that the workplace culture will change after something like this??
If their faces are still the same, their attitudes are still the same, even if there is window dressing. I’d want to know who and how many lost their jobs.