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Weekend Open Thread

Samira Bis Wrap Dress in Tropical MazeSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Love love love this dress from Diane von Furstenberg. Love the chill maxi length paired with the sharp look of the collar and cuffs. The pattern is beautiful, too. But where does one wear a sharp-looking maxi dress — to a business meeting on the beach? Still, a girl can dream. The dress is marked down from $695, at dvf.com — it's now $486.50. Nice. Samira Bis Wrap Dress in Tropical Maze (L-2)

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305 Comments

  1. Woohoo! Spring Break here and the kids are going to Grandma’s for the week! I think I’m more excited than they are.

  2. The horror – just broke down crying in a superior’s office. He was really nice about it, but I feel like I’m going to be beating myself up about it all weekend.

    1. Oh no, what made you so upset? It’ll be old news come Monday, so no need to fret!

      1. Agreed, Friday afternoon is the best time to do it. Clean yourself up, take a walk, and remember that without an opportunity to talk about it, no one will remember by Monday.

      2. Been having a really tough time at work, and decided to go to a “neutral” superior to discuss some of the issues and seek advice/intervention – I thought I could handle it, but the tears just started and wouldn’t stop.

        1. I had the same thing happen a few months ago. That neutral superior took the necessary steps to make the situation much better. My work life has been 100 times better since. While I was initially embarassed by how upset I was (a total shock to me like it was to you) it conveyed that this was a very serious situation. He was kind enough to word it “I see this situation has you very upset.” As opposed to commenting on the fact that I was kind of crying. Ugh.

          1. Same thing happened to me, I was really embarrassed but it ended up making the situation much better.

    2. Oh man, I almost did this yesterday too. But I think end of week is the best time if it does happen – you have all weekend to relax and then re-psych yourself up for work and show up confident and composed on Monday morning.

    1. Yay! Anything fun planned? Or is she still in the “I love you Mom, but I’m mostly here to hang out with my friends” mode? :)

      1. Well, she loves to hang out with me, which makes me happy but is normally pretty busy. However she is recovering from strep last week so is not going to be going out much for the next few days.

    2. mne too! as Ann says, it’s mostly about the friends and boyfriend, but it’s still nce to see her, even intermttently. And it’s great to see how much more she’s grown every tme she comes home…

      1. Yeah, it’s just nice to know she’s sleeping in her old bed, even if I don’t see her much.

    3. Asking for advice: My daughter who is a high school senior will be presenting her project in the finals of a national science competition. She is desperate for a what to wear advice…. (to the presentations and the award ceremony – two different days). As a typical 17.5 she does not trust me…
      Thanks ladies (:

      1. When I went to a national science competition in high school in 2005 I wore a skirt suit. I seem to remember suits were common even at the regional competitions leading up to the national one.

      2. At ISEF I wore a black skirt suit back in the day. Had some Intel STS and Siemens Westinghouse finalist friends – photos from the finals should be searchable online. I believe the awards ceremonies tend to be a little more formalwear (as opposed to business formal) except when immediately following a presentation period, but she can’t go wrong with business formal while presenting.

      3. You could also look at something like a black dress/jacket combo (aka “jacket dress” or “dress suit”), which might prove to be pretty versatile for her – she can wear the dress as an LBD to dressy occasions with her peers, and then pair the jacket with other things in her casual wardrobe. Plus she’d have it for things like internship interviews in college. Talbots pretty much always has one dress and jacket in the same fabric, and since they fit such a range of sizes, your daughter can find one that fits her well. Good luck to her!

      4. I wore a navy skirt suit, as did my partner. Most people did, though there were a few blouse/sweater/skirt combos. I wouldn’t go and buy one unless she will have the opportunity to wear the suit again or is done growing.

        1. Thank you so much all of you! I will show her all your responses. She is set on pants… but tried something on for me that looked nice. We are the same size and being into appropriate dressing she can’t go wrong in my closet if she wishes to explore. I sometimes feel work is an excuse to dress up….
          We both have issues with the ceremony similar to the wedding discussion because her dad is going to attend and we are not on speaking terms (much worse)… I hope I survive this week and emerge with a big smile…

      5. for Intel STS 2004 finals, I brought 2 skirt suits for presentations/interviews with judges (navy, black) with a collared shirt (not white, she’ll feel like flight attendant..). Nearly everyone was in a suit. I wore a full length black dress (not poofy, halter, modest-ish neckline) for the award ceremony although I would go back and recommend a cocktail dress – once again black or a darker color. The award ceremony was televised for STS, so I just say black because I didn’t want to be that girl in the bright pink dress. If it’s anything like STS, you stand on this stand under lights and a camera for hours and start sweating profusely.

        More importantly are her shoe decisions – the grimace on her face that may come from pain after she’s been standing for 6 hours in beautiful yet incredibly uncomfortable tall heels would be a shame for judges to see! I’m embarrassed to admit at times when we were going from place to place (w/o judges) I ended up having to take mine off because I just couldn’t take it anymore.

  4. LOVE this dress! Wish I had a fancy preppy Hamptons-esque patio or garden party to wear it to.

    1. LOVE this dress! Wish I had a fancy preppy Hamptons-esque patio or garden party to wear it to.

  5. This dress is GORGEOUS. LOVE IT. Hmmmm, I could probably get away with something similar at work in a more subtle print.

    1. I absolutely LOVE this dress, as well. I couldn’t make it work at work, but I’d invent reasons to wear it on the weekends (if I could afford it/could stomach spending that much on a weekend dress).

      I wouldn’t carry that bag with the dress, however. It looks like she wanted a bag where, at some point during the day, she wanted it to blend seamlessly into her dress.

      1. That reminds me of the scene in Garden State where Zach Braff’s character is given a shirt that exactly matches the bathroom wallpaper and he blends in.

        Gorgeous dress though!

        1. That’s the exact scene that I was thinking of, but couldn’t remember what movie it was from. Great minds.

      2. Hey JJ, I agree that this isn’t a typically work appropriate dress but since I dress pretty conservatively due to religious reasons, I think I would be able to wear something like this to work since I do wear ankle length dresses and skirts on a regular basis.

        1. Oh Ru, it’s not that I think it’s work inappropriate, just that *I* couldn’t make it work-appropriate because I’m not stylish enough to pull it off. More power to you if you can – I’m jealous!

        2. I swear Ru, if I were totally loaded I would buy you this dress. Love the idea of a fabulously chic yet religiously modest dress being rocked by a corporetter.

        3. I think this kind of dress is the perfect “investment” piece for a woman who covers her arms and legs. It’ll be your go-to for everything. I think it’s comletely office appropriate, too.

  6. I’d love to hear thoughts from the group mind about elopement. My fiance’s parents are long-divorced and hate each other, just like mine. And we have strained relationships with 3/4 of our parents. Though it is possible that they could all behave during our wedding, the very thought of them all in one place makes me sick to my stomach, so I can’t imagine actually enjoying our wedding day with four ticking time bombs in the building. We get along best with his mother, but it doesn’t seem like inviting 1 parent of 4 is an option. And the thought of spending tens of thousands of dollars that could go towards a down payment on a house to throw a party partially for people we don’t like while we are totally stressed out seems crazy.

    But elopement would probably break our grandparents’ hearts, as their fondest wishes seem to be going to weddings and future grandchildren. And people seem to cherish the memories and pictures of their weddings, surrounded by friends and family, celebrating their special day. I am afraid that we would miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime special event if we didn’t have a “normal” wedding, and regret it for the rest of our lives. Or maybe we’d regret spending $30k+++ on a disastrous wedding more.

    Has anyone eloped? Regrets? Opposite of regrets?

    1. I had this discussion with my mom (to a degree) b/c my bf keeps talking about doing the destination wedding thing (in Hawaii), while I’m pretty firmly in the invite the family camp.

      If relations are really that bad with 3/4 of the parents, don’t invite them. Don’t expect them to help pay, either, though. Invite the mom you like, your grandparents, and the other people with whom you WANT to share this life event.

      Also – you are under no obligation to spend oodles of money on this, even to have a once-in-a-lifetime event. Its a special occasion because the two of you are becoming a family, not because you had 8 million floors and a 30 foot train.

      1. Indeed, I should clarify that: we will not get any financial assistance to pay for the wedding, whether we throw a big one or elope. And we are not considering an “oodles of money” wedding at all – but in my major metropolitan area of the country, a wedding under $20k is virtually impossible.

        1. I’d elope before spending 20K on a wedding that seems this fraught. I mean, 20K in the bank could be a sweet otherwise-unpaid maternity leave down the road, if you’re so inclined.

    2. Can you elope and then have a small party afterwards with friends you’d like to celebrate with? If it’s important to you to gather folks and family together, you’d at least have one less thing to stress about for the day.

      Would his mom & your grandparents be open to being in on the secret and have them be your witnesses when you go to the courthouse/clergy’s office?

      Please, please don’t spend $30K on a wedding that you think only other people want and that you wouldn’t enjoy knowing all the potential drama/discomfort. I know several couples who have ended up getting married quickly and didn’t have the luxury of the “dream wedding” (green card issues, cancer diagnoses, deployment, etc.). They understood marriage for what it is and not as a big party for others.

      Also, I’ve been married for 4 years, and we’ve yet to get the wedding photos developed. If you want special photos, you can always hire a photographer (or friend) to go with you to a local park or botanical gardens or another place special to the two of you and take some photos of you as a couple, or with the grandparents.

      1. One more suggestion, that a friend did. If you do feel strongly that you want a wedding, you could do a morning wedding, followed by a champagne toast and cake at the same location, followed by you & spouse immediately getting into the car and driving to the airport to start your honeymoon. There seems to be this recent trend that weddings go on for 6-8 hours, plus drinks the night before and brunch afterward. If you limit the time everyone is expected to remain civil, you might have more luck accomplishing that goal.:) Good luck.

        1. This. Such a great idea. Cutting down the time and the amount of food and alcohol served makes this much much less expensive and less stressful. Additionally, alcohol, in my circle anyway, tends to exacerbate drama. I love this idea. Good call R.I.

        2. This! I so wanted to do a morning wedding and cake + champagne toast, but all of our guests were from WAY out of town (both coasts and 3 continents) so we felt that we owed at least a dinner for their trouble. Still, our whole affair was only 4 hours. The set of parents who don’t get along were seated at different tables and gracefully avoided eachother, and no one had time to have too much to drink.

          You can achieve a smiliar thing with an evening wedding + dinner, though. Many restaurants–especially those with pretty gardens–routinely do the whole wedding and reception in-house and often have a coordinator on staff specifically to handle the events. Just bring your own officiant and you’re set. Obviously this doesn’t work if you feel strongly about being married in a place of worship, but it minimizes transportation frustration for your guests (a big issue in a major metropolitan area!), it saves a LOT of money not to have to pay delivery charges for everything, and it cuts down on headaches to have a single point of contact.

        3. My sister did something similar to this. She insisted everything be very simple and short. She only had about 70 people, the majority of whom were family, got married around noon or one, had an elegant seated lunch with a couple of toasts, cut the cake and they were off to their honeymoon by about 4 pm. She does not like being the center of attention ever and she wanted something very elegant and didn’t want to spend the money for oodles of people. Also, her in-laws are a bit on the crazy side so I think she wanted to minimize the exposure between the families and a short mid-day wedding did the trick. It was a beautiful, simple wedding.
          Oh, and she did splurge on a photographer and spurned tradition in favor of taking most of the photos prior to the ceremony.

        4. A friend had a brunch wedding- it was so different and so fun to go to! The wedding itself was at a church, then we headed over to the restaurant for brunch to celebrate. I thought it was beautiful and a GREAT idea!

          1. I wonder whether you could slightly edit your post here (leaving out the part stating that you don’t like 3/4 of them) and send it to all 4 of the parents. They already know they can’t stand each other, but is it possible that they might be moved to behave themselves if they knew just how anxious you are about them possibly ruining your wedding?

          2. I *love* attending morning/brunch weddings. Fancy brunch is one of my favorite things – can easily be done elegantly and affordable with some classical music, mimosas or bloody marys, cake, fruit, mini quiches, doesn’t have to be sit down. I kind of like getting dressed up nice in the mornig, celebrating with friends and then being free for the rest of my day. Puts me in a good mood.

        5. We did something similar, an early-afternoon wedding that only lasted 4 hours from start to finish, and then we went to dinner with our friends and our parents went with their friends. We did not spend $30K or anything close to it, either. We didn’t do it specifically to ensure good parental behavior, but it did have that effect – my MIL and FIL, who hated each other, were able to hold it together and be civil for the brief time they had to be, and then that was it – they could go their separate ways.

          You certainly do not have to have any kind of wedding, if you don’t want to. What about doing a courthouse wedding and inviting the grandparents the day before, asking them to keep it under wraps? I know that my grandparents (God rest them) would have done whatever it took to be there when I got married, and I am sure they know and understand the issues between all the parents and with you two.

          Do what feels right for you and don’t worry. Even if you were to have a big fancy wedding and invite everyone, someone would have a problem with what you did and how you did it. If you can’t please everyone, you might as well please yourselves. :)

    3. I am not married, so take with a grain of salt!

      I have a cousin in a similar position. On top of that, he’s not the type to enjoy a ton of attention/big parties. His solution was to have a nice, but very small, modest wedding reception at a small mid-tier restaurant. They closed down the restaurant to the public for the night and charged ~$50/person (basically just the price of the food) and had about 60 guests – mostly family and a few friends (so total cost in the $3000 ballpark before a few other expenses). There was no music/entertainment, paid photographer, decorations, or whatever else you’d expect – but the grandparents still got to be there. (The couple also still received gifts – probably more than plenty to cover the cost of the event several times over.) I thought it struck a nice balance between not doing anything at all and having a huge, stressful event. His part of the family is known for $100k+ blowout events, so this is not a group used to modest weddings, but I don’t think anyone balked.

      1. I think this sounds like a perfect solution. Another suggestion is to keep it even smaller. Invite the grandparents and the parent that you get along with and any other family members that you may be close to and perhaps one best friend of you each (the person you’d pick as a maid of honor/best man if you did a big wedding thing). My parents had a wedding like this – justice of the peace’s office and then a tiny “reception” afterwards at a nice restaurant. Their pictures are lovely (my favorite one my whole life is my (now deceased) grandpa (in his awesome early 70’s garb) at the end of the night with his wallet out paying someone for something.) As a bonus, my mom got to wear an adorable, short, non-traditional wedding dress. I love their wedding pictures and I always picture it as a really great day.

        1. No no! I meant that the restaurant charged about $50/person. I realized that was a little unclear after I posted – oops. (The only reason I know this is because the groom’s mother told me. Her big mouth and other issues are among the reasons he did not want to go the big party route!)

    4. My sister and her husband “eloped” with only parents, sibblings, and grandparents present. That day, they mailed announcements/invitations to a very casual reception that was held 6 weeks later. She says she’s never regretted it. One aunt was angry at my mother for letting my sister do this instead of having a huge family wedding. But, frankly, this aunt would have been a pain in the a** at a wedding anyway.

      This isn’t exactly the same as your situation, but I think it speaks to some issues you are concerned about. You are never going to make everyone happy, especially difficult people. The people who truly care for you will be happy for you, no matter what. Do what you feel comfortable with and enjoy your marriage!

      Incidentally, I also attended a cousin’s small morning wedding followed by a reception at a restaurant held at lunchtime. There were small flower arrangements on the tables and a DJ for dancing for a couple of hours, but the whole thing was much more low-key than the average nighttime wedding. It was honestly one of the nicest, most enjoyable weddings I’ve ever been to – and I’ve been to a lot!

    5. I would advise not to spend money that you don’t want to in order to try to make others happy – seems that the chances are too high you would regret it and it could cause just as many or more tensions with the extended family as those you are trying to avoid.

      Love others suggestions for small, simple ceremonies. Want to add that my parents eloped, and have never seemed to regret it (and are happily married 38 years later). I asked them once what their family said, and they said there were a few ruffled feathers at the time, but everyone got over it pretty quickly, and its now just another family story.

    6. We had a very small wedding with just immediate family (and parents’ new significant others), grandparents, and 4 very close friends. Just a nice ceremony, some cocktails and a little dancing, and a sit-down dinner at an amazing restaurant. Our local friends/coworkers met us for dinner and drinks after the honeymoon to celebrate. I wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t regret not having a big wedding–in fact, I’m grateful that my sanity and savings remained intact throughout the process– but I am equally glad we decided not to go the true “elopment” route… my family is not super tight-knit, but I think I would have felt wrong without them there, and they would have been very hurt.

    7. I plan on doing this and my boyfriend’s and my parents are all together still. I get why some people want weddings, but I can’t stomach all the attention, age-old ritual, and thousands of dollars spent for one evening.

      1. If you were to elope, how would you? If there is a way to elope and have your grandparents present, would that make you happy (i.e. having them as witnesses)?

        1. There are some places (the ones I was looking at are in Sonoma and Napa Valley) that do “elopement” weddings, where you go and they have everything set up for you — a dinner, a cake, a photographer, a few nights stay at the hotel. It’s a few thousand dollars for two people. I’ve been considering this idea to avoid having an elaborate celebration, but still do something special. There’s also an option at these places to include up to ten or fifteen people, which would take care of a small family. I’ve been considering that as well.

          Here’s an example: http://www.laubergecarmel.com/weddings.php

          1. I felt similarly to you in terms of not really being interested in the attention and pageantry associated with a more traditional wedding and the ritual aspect of it not really resonating with either me or my now-husband. Also, we’re busy, and I didn’t want to have to plan anything elaborate or make lots of little decisions about wedding things. We looked into the elopement options in Napa (in fact, the link you posted was one of the locations we considered), but we ended up eloping to our wedding in Tuscany instead. We told our family about our plans and said anyone who wanted to make the trip was welcome to do so.

            It was the best decision we ever made. We spent two weeks on vacation in Italy, and in the middle of it we, working with a wedding coordinator in Tuscany, did some paperwork at the U.S. Embassy in Florence and, a couple of days later, had our wedding in Cortona at the Palazzo Communale, the town’s 13th century town hall. We then had a short walk around town with our photographer, sat with a few members of our immediate family (a couple of our siblings and my parents decided to come) at a bar on the square for some prosecco, and then had a fantastic dinner on the terrace of a restaurant with an amazing view of the Val di Chiana.

            We were pretty low key about the whole thing; I ordered a really simple dress from J.Crew (silk tricotine, easily packable) and did my own hair, make-up, etc. the day of. Our wedding planner did everything–paperwork, flowers, found a photographer that took just the right number of photos so we didn’t feel like documenting the marriage was more important than getting married–and the city official in Cortona who married us and his assistant could not have been more gracious. It made for great memories, and I often think that if I could re-do my wedding day over, I would do exactly the same thing in a heartbeat.

            I think if you’re interested in an Italian wedding, there are probably lots of planners who could coordinate an elopement for you in any number of locations, and I would urge you to use a coordinator at least to assist with the paperwork. I could send you a link to the one I used if you or anyone else is interested.

          2. Not the OP, but m/dc, that sounds amazing – please share info if you wouldn’t mind!

    8. regarding the money, you will probably make it back (or a good part of it back) in gifts. You might lay out $20k, but it you invite 120 people and each person gives $100 (and some will give more) then you made $12k back. Have your family members and trusted friends encourage cash gifts. I wouldn’t let the money part be the determination. If you want a wedding, do it.

      Also, people tend to be on good behavior at weddings. My parents are divorced and my mom remarried, and both dads came. Normally they spit (or worse!) when they mention one another’s name, but they were so happy at the event that they pretty much ignored each other and it was OK.

      1. “regarding the money, you will probably make it back (or a good part of it back) in gifts. You might lay out $20k, but it you invite 120 people and each person gives $100 (and some will give more) then you made $12k back.”

        Ugh. This is absolutely not a good reason to do a wedding, because cash gifts will make the wedding “pay for itself.” Number one, people are not obligated to give gifts of cash so that the happy couple can pay for their wedding. Weddings are supposed to be given in the spirit of generosity and hospitality, so others can celebrate with the happy couple – not as a some kind of sotto voce fundraiser so the couple can have a bigger wedding than they would otherwise be able to afford. Number two, because it would be completely unacceptable and crass to put a “minimum gift amount” out to the guests, there is absolutely no guarantee each person will give $200, or anything close to it. A couple could end up in a big financial hole if they “plan” for this and then it doesn’t happen. People should have the wedding they can afford, not the one the guests’ gifts can pay for.

        I would strongly recommend anyone even remotely considering having a wedding with this set of financial expectations read Etiquette Hell to research why expecting your guests to pay for your wedding with cash gifts is both unrealistic and distasteful. http://www.etiquettehell.com

        1. I don’t thinks he ever said it was a “good reason to do a wedding” – I think it was more – if you would like a wedding but are concerned about cost, remember that gifts will pay for some of it. I don’t necessarily agree with the advice to have people spread the word you want cash, but I think it’s still a valid point.

        2. I come from a country where cash gifts are standard, and in my experience, that is far superior to gift-gifts. Now I ask my friends whether they would prefer cash to something off their silly registry (and most of them register at places where they can exchange the gifts for cash, so if I pay $90 for a tea set and $10 for shipping, they get $90 back and we all lose $10, i.e., better for me to give them $90 or $100…) and no one complains.

    9. Occasional regular commenter, anon here.

      Ugh. My mother-in-law wanted to take over the planning of our wedding. So, despite the fact that we had a really simple wedding–no wedding cake, no professional photographer, no typical wedding dress, and requested folks bring food for a potluck rather than give gifts (fiance and I paid wedding costs ourselves), the family situation made me *miserable*, since I was afraid she was going to go behind my back.

      Whatever you choose, remember that this is for you and your fiance: your relationship and your commitment to one another are the reason you’re getting married. Don’t make yourself miserable for other people.

    10. I didn’t want a big wedding either — my parents are divorced and a little unpredictable, I’ve never cared much about tradition or had a princess bride fantasy. But my husband did. It was a total role reversal.

      We did what my husband wanted and I enjoyed it so much more than I thought I would. I actually loved having every important person in my life all together to watch me make such an important commitment and share my happiness.

      1. I had the opposite experience. I would have been happy with a trip to the courthouse, but my husband wanted an actual wedding. Which would have been fine if he’d helped at all with the planning! But instead I ended up planning a wedding I didn’t want. Several years of marriage later, I’m still annoyed about that. Not the best way to start a marriage!

    11. While I agree with the comments above – there is one thing you might consider: Is there a chance that you and your own mother could reconcile? If so, how would she feel about not being invited to your wedding? Would that be a major impediment to you having a good relationship again?
      My mom and I have a very good relationship, but some of our acquaintances do not. She was talking about one of these mother/daughter pairs the other day and said (as she has many times before) that there is nothing she would not do to try and maintain a relationship with her children and grandchildren. While she doesn’t understand how other mothers could not be willing to do the same, she also considers how hurt they must be when their children do not include them in their weddings, the births of their children, etc.
      This is not to say that you need to do the whole big, expensive wedding thing. But if you invite your fiance’s mom, and none of the other parents, will they be able to get over it – and do you care?

    12. You should check out this post: http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/02/things-to-think-about-when-planning-an-elopement/

      I’m planning a wedding. My fiance and I are paying for it ourselves. I think if it were up to me alone, I might elope and then have a party with friends and family. There are reasons why I’m interested in eloping – parents going through messy divorce, desire to keep something that emotional private, etc. – but, my fiance wants to have a wedding. So, we’re having a wedding.

      I will say, I’ve been a bit anti-bride since getting engaged. We’ve been engaged for about a year, and have about 6.5 months to go. I didn’t think that I was going to get excited about the wedding (which brought on feelings of guilt, like there was something ‘wrong’ with me), but recently I’ve started to get really excited about it. I think it was choosing flowers, cake, invitations, etc. Things that make the wedding “real” and help me envision getting married to my fiance, and then having a big party with our family and friends. And, I think that at the end of the day, it will be worth it.

    13. i eloped with just my husband and me. it was awesome, would not trade it for anything! we also had a party afterwards as some above have described to celebrate with our fam/friends. we still got really cool photos (it was really just us, our master of ceremonys, and a photog) that we showed people. My dress was fun and just a really pretty party dress and i’ve worn it once since. it made me think of the wedding and feel special again and to me is so much better than it sitting in a box.

      it’s about you two committing to each other after all, so do what you want without trying please others/ follow traditions. everyone has forgiven me, even grandmas and my mom. to be honest she is just happy that we are happy :)

    14. You could elope and then have a party afterwards, less formal than a wedding reception obviously, and if you wear your pretty dress your grandparents will probably be perfectly content. And when you give them great grandchildren, they will totally not even care anymore that you eloped.

    15. So, I feel like everyone above has pretty much covered everything…but oh hell, I’ll throw in my two cents.

      I’m currently in the process of planning a fairly large, and fairly expensive, though not wildly extravagant wedding. My fiance and I are paying for a bit more than half and my parents are paying the other half (at their insistence).

      I view my wedding as kind of a big family reunion for our two families…and I’m finding it pretty fun to think about how to make it a more fun party for everyone. I also know that my mother and his mother will just be really happy that we’re having a big wedding.

      Here’s the thing, I think the best reason to have a big wedding is if you have a big family AND you enjoy them; otherwise, I’m not sure why you’d do it. If this isn’t the case…have a smaller wedding or have it with just the people you actually like.

      You mentioned that you’d spend $20,000 on a wedding…for this amount, you could fly your grandparents and closest friends to Tuscany or Hawaii or somewhere and get married there! Actually this sounds awesome….maybe for my third wedding. ;-)

    16. We initially wanted to elope because of similar issues – my parents were ok with the eloping (they had done the same themselves) but his parents really wanted to be there, so we ended up compromising by having a civil ceremony with just his parents and sister attending as witnesses. I have no living grandparents and my husband’s one grandmother was not offended. The situation between his parents made the day a bit tense, but it was fine. Having only one set of parents to manage helped. We had an 11am ceremony, followed by lunch at our then favorite restaurant.

      I have never, ever, regretted it, and we will have been married 5 years in a couple of months. I did lose a couple of friends over it – including one, in whose wedding I had been maid of honor just three years earlier, who “joked” that since I was not having a wedding she would not get me a gift. The way I see it, you can’t please everyone.

    17. Since you’re asking for thoughts, here are mine (with the caveat that they are just my thoughts and you should definitely do what you think is best :) )- Elopement bugs me. My thinking is that marriage is a public event, a public commitment, not just a personal one. Running away to do it privately just rubs me the wrong way. Again, that’s just my thinking.

      If I were in your shoes (which, I’ll admit, I never have been- although, as a fellow Corporette reader, I’m sure that your shoes are fabulous!), I might consider a very small, quick, inexpensive wedding. Say, a backyard or small church ceremony with a picnic lunch. My thinking there is that this event would be low pressure and not frought with expectations and the sort of idealism that tends to lead to fighting, the way weddings usually are, but it would still allow your loved ones to share in the experience. And, you could make sure that it was over quickly enough that fights are less likely to happen, and you would spend, at most, a couple of hundred dollars. Plus, you could wear a very pretty white sundress that could be worn again!

      1. I don’t want to pick a fight or anything but I’m not sure I agree with you that marriage is a “public event, a public commitment, not just a personal one.” I believe marriage is pretty much the most personal decision one makes and while it is hurtful when loved ones choose to exclude us from these personal events, those of us not included need to remember it isn’t about us!

        My brother married a woman who caused shock waves to run through my family from the minute we met her. They were engaged within a month of meeting and married within another 3 months. She was fresh off her second divorce and hurried him into a not-quite elopment that logistically excluded everyone on my brother’s side except for my other brother, his wife and me. I know my mother is still hurt that she wasn’t able to be there. It was a very traumatic event for my family, especially since the wedding was chock full of her family and friends while my parents weren’t even there. That being said, the pain of exclusion did not stem from any sense of entitlement to witness a public event, it was from the disappointment that my brother was not willing to share this very personal event with his family.

        Marriage is deeply, deeply personal and weddings can bring a lot of joy and excitement but they can also highlight, exacerbate and even create large amounts of unwanted drama. I respect my friends and family enough to let it remain their own personal decision without throwing my own wants and desires into the mix. Even if I get my feelings hurt if I’m left out (I still don’t understand my brother’s decision to exclude our parents but we’ve all come a long way in healing that wound).

        1. I see where you are coming from, but I still disagree. A couple can, and often does, make a deep, spiritual, personal commitment to each other. But they choose to get married to make that commitment public, to say to the world that they are married, that they have made that commitment. It expresses certain legal and social restrictions and obligations. If it is purely a personal commitment, then there would be no need for a marriage, they would simply agree to commit. The fact that a legal marriage takes place makes that commitment more than personal.

          I hope that things continue to heal in your brother’s situation.

          1. Up until very, very recently and for most people, marriage was typically a tiny, tiny affair — often just the person performing it and the bride and groom. The idea that marriage is a public commitment may be true, but it has nothing to do with the ceremony. That’s like saying it’s not sincere without a wedding announcement in the town paper.

            A wedding is very different from a marriage. I think — if anything — people who are marrying privately are doing it for reasons that have nothing to do with a princess dress or wanting a big party where you are the center of attention. Everyone is entitled to pick the kind of ceremony they wish, but it’s such a personal matter that I really find it odd that anyone outside of the couple feels entitled to have an opinion about it.

            FWIW, personally, I think whether you chose to elope (whatever that may mean) or to have a wedding party, just make sure you are doing it for yourselves and not for others. Whether that means you have a fun wedding in spite of worrying about how certain relatives may or may not get along, or whether that means you say “to hell with the lot of them, we’re going to Tuscany!” It’s about you. Not your friends and family.

          3. I also agree with AIMS.

            The reasoning for private vs. public varies from couple to couple. I know that in some religious communities marriage is seen as a public sort of event so that members of the community (church, whatever) can help hold the husband and wife accountable for their commitment to one another, and provide support. Though I’m not sure why they need to witness the joining in order to do that, come to think of it.

            And there are a number of *legal* reasons (read: benefits) that lead some people who would otherwise be happy simply committing to one another privately, without a wedding ceremony of any sort, to get married. I have one friend who referred to his wedding as “just a ceremony”, since they already had that level of commitment to one another. But there was a child from a previous marriage involved, so there were legal protections they wanted from state recognition of their relationship.

          4. I think about both sets of my grandparents, who were married shortly after the end of WWII. My maternal grandmother wore a brown tweed skirt suit she already had, and my paternal grandmother wore a day dress she had gotten as payment for modeling at a local department store for a week. They both had the local preacher come to their parents’ houses in the small towns in Texas where they got married, and the guest count at each wedding probably didn’t exceed 5 total. My paternal grandparents were married for 51 years and my maternal grandparents were married 59. Don’t quite see what having a “public wedding” has to do with commitment. All my grandparents were obviously pretty committed to each other without having a big wedding with lots of guests.

      2. I wanted to add one thought on a casual versus fancy wedding, as someone who is not married/engaged but has attended a lot of weddings recently. I think family members may be less well-behaved at a casual wedding than they might be at a more formal wedding that has more social pressures built into it. Only you know your family members and how they might react in either situation though.

        eloping, I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m not married or engaged, but I have no contact whatsoever with a significant family member and occasionally worry about how this will affect my wedding someday. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

      3. “Running away to do it privately just rubs me the wrong way.”

        Wow. Other people’s weddings are about you. Good to know.

    19. It’s your wedding. Do what will make you happy, whatever that means. My mother let her mother-in-law talk her into a wedding location she didn’t want, and to this day, almost 30 years later, she still wishes she’d had the wedding where she wanted it (a point of which I will be reminding her when I get married, as I know my mother and I are going to have huge conflicts about a number of things wedding-related)

      And I suspect your grandparents will forgive you once the future grandchildren come:-) Perhaps just have a party afterwards.

      1. I am getting married this year and I keep going back and forth about having the big wedding. I am Indian and my fiancé is not and he has stated that he would like to have the big fat indian wedding mainly because it will be the first time anyone on his side will get to experience anything like it. While I understand and look at it as an opportunity to bridge cultures and communities to say we are all one, I sometimes feel like there is a lot of pressure to represent Indian culture properly with an extravagant (around $60k wedding). I don’t know how to pull off a rustic Indian wedding in a major city for less than that.
        Ah, felt nice to vent.

        1. I’m Indian, my husband is not. We had a city hall ceremony for the paperwork, and a Hindu ceremony at a friends place with a few people in attendance.

          My friend set up the deities, lamps, etc. She also “officiated”, since she is well versed in the customs & traditions. I wore my mother’s wedding sari sari and lent a purple one to my sister-in-law. My husband & father wore matching kurta pyjamas. We bought flower garlands to exchange.

          It was very inexpensive & low key; the whole thing was about 1.5 hours total from start to finish – which included socializing & eating snacks. My friend spent maybe a few hours setting up & clearing away after us.

          However, my husband’s family were all thrilled with the cultural experience.

          My point being, it’s not necessary to spend a lot of money on an Indian wedding. You can have one done for a few hundred dollars at your local Hindu temple; or an even a lower cost one if you have an awesome friend like mine :-)

          The difficult part will be limiting the guest list; I had to fend off a lot of pressure from parents; the compromise is that we will have a huge wedding reception in India later this year (we were married last year in California).

          1. Btw, didn’t mean to assume that you are looking for a Hindu wedding; I’m sure you can work out something low key for any other religion – just make sure your in laws get to wear colorful Indian clothes :-)

        2. So interesting – I have the opposite problem. My fiance is Indian, I’m not, and we’re getting married in India later this year. My parents are so freaked out by the thought of a religious ceremony that they’ve refused to attend.

    20. My husband and I eloped. No regrets. We were living in NJ at the time, found a lovely place up in Burlington, VT. Applied for a marriage license, obtained it, and then got married by a friend’s judge. No muss, no fuss.

      Afterwards we threw ourselves a “brunch” and invited the people we would have invited to the wedding. We stressed that gifts weren’t necessary, and we did it primarily because our families wanted to congratulate us (and obviously this part of it is optional).

      We did get some flack for eloping. But most people understood why (my mother had recently died and I couldn’t stomach the thought of a big wedding even more than a year after her death). Plus, I’d never wanted a big wedding anyway and I’d never been one of those girls that dreams what her wedding will be like. All my friends were getting married and it seemed to me that they were living their wedding planning in a way that I found distasteful. All of those things also factored into the decision.

      So, in a nutshell: go for it. Those are perfectly valid reasons for elopement and I’ve never regretted it for a second.

      1. Oh, and: the whole thing, wedding + hotel + brunch, cost us less than $5,000 total.

        To the person who mentioned “making money” on the wedding – you’re making the assumption that everyone will give a gift worth at least $100. That’s … speculative. Some people won’t give a gift, some people can’t afford that. Usually you don’t make money on a wedding and even if you could, I think it’s beyond tacky to consider it as an “option.”

    21. I’m late to this thread, but: I was in your shoes. Major family drama on my side, inability for many to travel on his side. We explored a few traditional wedding options but decided to elope.

      We took a 2-week trip to Belize and came back married. (You have standing to apply for a marriage license after 3 days in country; we got married on Day 5 and then had a week-long “honeymoon” in another part of the country.” We got married around 11 a.m. on a weekday — woke up, had coffee, got dressed, got my hair done, got married. Our wedding was on a pier over the water, with just the two of us, the priest, the photographer, and our coordinator/witness. Ceremony lasted about 10 minutes.

      Total cost for the 2 weeks was around $8K. We spent almost that much again on a reception at a restaurant in our city for about 80 friends and family. (Mostly in booze, YMMV.)

      We have NEVER ONCE regretted it. There was no drama and no fuss — just the focus on our marriage and how excited we were to start our life together. I know there are some people who want the big event, and I love attending them. But that wasn’t for me, and if I had it to do all over again, I’d elope again in a heartbeat.

  7. I’m an unemployed Master’s graduate. Recently, I contacted someone I have known for some time to see whether they would be willing to pass my CV on to some of their contacts – let’s call this person Sue. Sue replied with some useless advice (to the tune of ‘have you looked on xyz popular job board’) and then enquired as to whether I’d be willing to help her research for a book she was writing. I tentaively replied ‘yes’ as I assumed it might be reading related material/editing – stuff that I can complete fairly quickly and easily.

    However, having found out more about her ‘book’, I have no desire to help anymore. I don’t think it is going to be published by any reputable publisher and, to be honest, she is no big fish herself and I don’t think it is likely to be a publication I want to be associated with all that much (her email to me, for example, was rife with typos). Plus the work is quite mindless – ‘interviewing’ individuals over the phone. She believes that the interviewing/speaking with people will help with my job search and with developing new contacts but I don’t really want to mix her work with my job hunting endeavors. Furthermore, I find myself unable to take payment from her for any work I complete (even though she has offered) because of how long I have known her.

    Any ideas on how to deal with this situation? I know I am unemployed, but I have things to do with my spare time (I am learning a new language, for example) and don’t see the point in taking up (most likely free) work that I would never even put on my CV.

    1. Sue,

      I wanted to thank you once again for passing along my CV. Thanks also for filling me in on the details of your book project. It sounds very exciting and I look forward to seeing it in stores. [If true: I’d be happy to read a later draft and provide editing support.] Unfortunately, I won’t be able to help with the interviewing aspect because I am treating my job hunt as a fulltime job. Best of luck with your effort, and I look forward to hearing about your progress/successes/whatever.

      Scooby

  8. PSA. Cole Haan extended their 25% off sale until the end of the day. Use code 25TODAY in stores and online.

    1. I just went to the Cole Haan outlet today and got a new wallet – orangey-red zip around. I had a 40% off coupon. Woohooooo! :)

          1. I dont’ have these but I have a number of other Cole Haan Air’s and I always go up 1/2 size. I love their shoes!

          2. oops, just went to close the window on those shoes and realized I DO have that pair – in gray suede. They are a great height and very comfortable and yes, still recommend up 1/2 size.

      2. I have these in black and I love them – I got them from 6pm for $89 – check out there first :) In fact, I buy almost all my CH’s off 6pm at a considerable discount.

    3. Thanks! Someone posted a Cole Haan bag on here yesterday and I loved it (the Valise Kendra). I was thinking about it all day (as I often do) and today I saw this 25% off code and I snagged it (for $87 less than the price I was seriously considering paying).

      2. This was me…and now I’m torn whether to order it from the Cole Haan store and then return the Nordstrom one when it gets here!

        Its very annoying because I just want to get my pretty, pretty bag and not worry my pretty little head about numbers. ;-)

        1. I am the anon from yesterday who asked you if you thought it was big enough to fit a laptop. I just ordered the brown. Thanks!

        2. Nordstrom will price match! Call them and ask for a refund of the price difference between the current Cole Haan store price and what you paid for it.

          1. But, the store price for Cole Haan is more, I think it was only cheaper because of the 25% off…

            Will they price match sales?

      3. Well…never mind…its not available in the green on-line anymore. Apparently I started a trend. ;-)

  9. We are considering IVF. I’d love to hear from Corporettes who’ve been through IVF about the logistics of fitting all of the appointments into your work schedules, and if the drugs impacted your work performance. TIA.

    2. I did IVF twice a few years ago. I absolutely did NOT want anyone at the firm finding out what I was doing. We didn’t even tell our families because we didn’t want to be asked about it all the time. I sent a memo to the people I worked for to the effect that for the next few months I was going to have frequent doctor’s appointments due to a chronic, but not serious, medical condition and that I might not be available for short notice things and out of town travel for that reason. No one asked any questions. When I announced I was pregnant a few months later–they all said they thought that was what was going on. The second time around I didn’t do that because I wasn’t travelling as much by then.

      I don’t recall any wierd side effects from the meds that were enough to keep me out or work or anything. I did have to do the injections in some random places (restaurant bathroom comes to mind.) That made me feel a little like a junkie. I did have to take off work a couple days for the retrieval and then for the afternoon for the transfer.

      1. This seems an overkill. I worked my appointments around my work.
        My doctors wanted me to come in first thing in the morning anyway..Caveat- you do not have strange reactions to any meds. I did not luckily.

        Do not stress out too much at all. all those injections, meds and patches are stressful enough without having to worry about managing at work.

    3. I went through IVF in 2007, and I now have 3 year old twins. Our issue was severe male factor infertility, and we did IVF with ICSI.

      I am a litigation attorney, and I was actually in trial during my IVF treatment. It was a case of bad timing both biological and work-related. They time the beginning off your period, and mine came early that month. Then the trial went a month long. Anyway, I made it work. I was doing injectible meds the first two weeks of trial (or ten days or so–can’t remember now the exact meds except that it was 20 shots total). I ended up with two appointments a week for vaginal ultrasounds to monitor follicles. Our court had criminal docket on Tuesdays, so I was able to do Tuesday and Saturday appointments. My real schedule crunch came with egg retrieval because there is a very small window. My trial went a week longer than expected, and I couldn’t schedule the egg retrieval for Tuesday. It had to be Wednesday. So, my RE scheduled me for the first egg retrieval Wednesday morning super early and I didn’t do all the sedation that was an option. I was awake and relatively alert for the egg retrieval, then they plied me with coffee as I waited an hour, then my husband drove me to the trial and I questioned witnesses and argued a motion to dismiss. I was about an hour and a half “late” to the trial. I was second chair and just explained to the court that I had a medical procedure that couldn’t be moved. Everyone was super understanding. I don’t recommend trial on the day of egg retrieval because there is some pain, but I did it and it worked out fine. My transfer was the following Saturday.

      The drugs did not impact my work performance. I did feel a little hormonal, and you feel very PMS bloaty toward the end because your ovaries are huge. I told my boss what was going on so he wouldn’t think I had cancer or something or was interviewing/blowing off trial/etc. I also had to tell the paralegals working with us because I couldn’t lift the boxes of documents and do the more physical stuff you do with trial due to concerns about ovarian tortion (sp.) Absent a trial issue, I wouldn’t have told people, but luckily they were close friends and it wasn’t an issue. The clients didn’t even know precisely what was going on.

      So, I’d recommend avoiding trial or anything that you are ABSOLUTELY essential to for the two-three weeks, but otherwise it’s doable. REs do weekend appointments because biology doesn’t stop on the weekends, so I was able to work out most appointments. It wasn’t that crazy with the appointments–like I said, about 2 a week or so. My RE was understanding and worked with me. I’d also take off the day of your blood test. You don’t want to be at work when you get that call.

      Best of luck. If you’d like to talk via email, let me know and I’ll have Kat give you my email address if she’s willing. IVF is a crazy ride, but it’s the best thing I ever did.

      2. Holy Cow! You sound like a badass. (And I mean that as the highest form of flattery).

    4. I went through extensive IVF from 2003-2006, with my twin daughters born in 2006. (Yeah) Many many cycles, lots of drugs and much heartache. You can usually have the blood work done early in the AM. I would end up getting to work those days at 8:30 rather than 7:45. The retrievals and transfers took longer but I just said I was having “a procedure” and no one asked questions. I also felt terrible through many of the cycles, although I didn’t really understand *why* I felt so sick. (Not until I finally finished with all of the drugs did I realize how much better I felt.) Then there was the emotional roller coaster of failed cycles and the stress on my marriage. It was a rough time, and I don’t envy you.

      Good luck to you.

    5. Timely post — we are considering IVF in January unless I get pregnant naturally or via 3 rounds IUI starting in September. We have already been trying since October 2009 — went through many rounds of clomid, 2 rounds injectible meds and 1 IUI. We are currently on a not trying not preventing phase since my clerkship ends in August and it would be fairly inconvenient timing at this point.

      Good luck to you!

    6. In case the OP is still reading, I wanted to add my two cents. I went through two rounds of IVF. This was for egg retrieval only because we had a gestational surrogate to carry our son to birth. (The sole problem was with my uterus, so thank goodness for surrogacy! Otherwise we could never have a biological child, which is important to us although we are in the process of becoming adoptive parents, too.)

      Anyway, my point is that I had to go through TWO cycles. There is nothing wrong with my eggs. Yet it took two cycles because against my better judgment, I put work ahead of my soon-to-be-family. That is the last time I am letting that happen, if I can help it. Like the poster above, I had trial in the days leading up to my retrieval. The case was typical, but even for a seasoned litigator trial is always stressful. I could have delayed the cycle or let someone else take over the case, but I didn’t. I was a tough litigator, right? I thought I could handle it. Suffice it to say, that cycle bombed. I wasted everyone’s time and a lot of money (because, with a surrogate, she has to cycle along with you to achieve a receptive state for the pregnancy). My surrogate was in perfect condition, excellent uterine lining, etc., and my husband’s sperm was never the issue, so I strongly suspect it was my stress level during the cycle that caused the failure. I was heartbroken.

      The next time we cycled, this is what I did:
      Mon – Last BCP, ultrasound and blood draw [worked as usual that whole week]
      Sat – Day 1 start stim meds (Menopur and Follistim) [started daily yoga and meditation]
      Mon – Day 3 blood draw for E2, progesterone, etc. [half day at office, no appearances]
      Wed – Day 5 ultrasound and blood draw [half day at office, no appearances]
      Fri – Day 7 ultrasound and blood draw [worked from home]
      Sun – Day 9 ultrasound and FDA labwork (big blood draw)
      Mon – Day 10 Trigger Injection, blood draw [vacation/personal day]
      Tue – Day 11 No meds; nothing to eat after 3:30 AM and nothing to drink after 7 AM tomorrow [vacation/personal day]
      Wed – Day 12 Retrieval [vacation/personal day]

      I also took the following Monday as a vacation/personal day to be present for the embryo transfer. I held my gestational surrogate’s hand while the embryo that was going to become my son was placed in her uterus. We found her through an agency, but that was the type of relationship we shared throughout the pregnancy. We remain very close.

      Without a surrogate, your body would have to go through the preparation process for accepting the transfer of the embryo(s). That means you should, if you can swing it, take even more days off or work from home like I did. And you definitely want to take a few days after the transfer. Though most REs do not require bedrest after that procedure, why not take it easy? The less stress, the better. Ditto for the rest of the pregnancy. Cut back on the hours and stress. You are going through so much effort and expense to have a biological child – why not give him/her the best possible chance to make it?

      YMMV, of course. I am sharing because I hope no one has to go through the same regrets I did. If having a family is important to you, you’re going to have to make some compromises. Time off for less stress while IVF cycling is only the beginning. So sayeth the working mother of a 3-month old who is super exhausted, even with a supportive husband and a live-in nanny.

      Good luck!

    1. Sigh…bummed I don’t live in Seattle anymore and bummed I’m still at work. You ladies have fun!

    2. I hope it was awesome! I was planning to come but had a last minute work travel change, and was in the sky at the time. :(

  11. Hivemind question / crowdsourcing on another medical issue. I’ll provide the medical details, but it really comes down to what to do with conflicting advice from doctors.

    I had to have a coronary stent inserted in my late teens due to a constricted artery I must have had since I was a kid but was only discovered on an unrelated hospital visit. Since then, I’ve regularly seen a cardiologist. My cholesterol is on the high end of the normal range, but I do have a history of heart attack and stroke in my family on both sides. I currently take blood pressure medication (Diovan).

    I am now 28 and my long-time cardiologist recently retired and I am seeing someone new. Old cardiologist never recommended a statin (for cholesterol). My new cardiologist (who I saw for the first time about a month ago), before any test results came back, started saying how great Lipitor is and that we’ll look at my test results and see. When the test results came back, a third doctor actually called me about them (new doctor was on vacaction) and said that cholesterol was on the high end of normal and that it was really up to me whether I start on Lipitor. I decided to wait a year. I also had a Cat scan done that new cardiologist had requested at our visit. New doctor just called me to say the scan looked good but (unrelated to the scan) is telling me to go on Lipitor. When I told him that old doctor and fill in doctor never really pushed it, he basically just went into his initial spiel about the benefits of statins.

    What would you do?

    1. I’d get another opinion – nobody really knows the effects of statins in young people when taken for a very long period of time. You’ll be on this probably for the rest of your life, and it can do serious damage to other system.

      I’d find someone who is outside the system of medical clinics you’re currently in; my doctor (who I love) is in a clinic system that seems really drug-happy, and I’ve gotten a few outside opinions when drug recommendations seem overhyped. See if you can get into a regional cardiac specialist. Alternatively, bounce the recommendation off one of your other doctors (for instance, your gyno) – they have less of a stake in your heart meds, but more of a stake in your overall general health.

    2. Definitely get another opinion. Not all cardiologists are created alike…and because it’s an area of active research, recommendations are always changing. Some docs will lean toward always adopting new things immediately, others will be cautious about changing treatment regimens that have worked for their patients in the past. But this is a lifetime issue you are talking about. You should be comfortable with the person treating you. And if they are changing your treatment, you deserve to know why in the context of *your* history and treatment. Not generic recommendations. So I’d say definitely seek another opinion, but also you may simply need to switch docs/practice groups.

    3. I’d find a new doctor. I have chronic health problems too, and whenever I have had to start with a new doctor, the number one warning sign that a doctor is not for me is when s/he immediately starts pushing for changes in my treatment regimen when there have been no changes in my health to prompt this. In the worst case your doctor has some sort of ulterior motive; in the best case, he doesn’t listen to you or care about your needs. Find a new one.

    4. There is some evidence that statins don’t work for women, or that the effects aren’t like they are in men. (Don’t get me started on the inequality of research on effects of drugs in women vs. men.) Here’s a Time article http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1973295,00.html

      The Time article received lots of pushback, especially from the drug companies, so take that with a grain of salt.

      But you do have some heart disease and some family history, unlike some anecdotal stories in the article. Have you had C-reactive protein measured? What did your cardiac Calcium scan show? (You don’t have to answer these questions for me…I’m just throwing out ideas.) All these factors should be taken into consideration by your doc, but it sounds like he had a knee-jerk reaction to prescribe statins with out considering other ideas.

      It may be wise not to just jump into statin use without some other evaluations. It may also depend on whether your high cholesterol is a hereditary condition or if it could be lowered by aggressive diet or statin alternatives (e.g. benecol, niacin etc.). It might be worth it to investigate before starting. It sounds like you may need a specialized cardiac center if you’re not already at one. Best of luck to you.

    5. {{{{hugs}}}}

      I have someone in my immediate family with your condition, maybe worse.

      1. Sorry, I wanted to add a link for you!

        http://www.heartscanblog.org/

        This doctor is thoroughly against statins and recommends certain dietary/lifestyle changes that seem to be working for his patients! I am in no way associated with him or his website and personally do not know anyone who has had treatment from him! But I find his advice to be sound!

    6. My advice is three-fold:

      (1) Do your own research, somewhat, to see if you think statins are for you. Perhaps find a discussion forum for younger people who have been on them. Read some articles. I always take everything I read on the internet with a grain of salt, but on the other hand, I know that I am my own best advocate and am the only one who can really keep track of everything going on with me health-wise.

      (2) I’d get a second opinion, preferably from outside your current practice. Also, maybe ask a friend who is a doc (know any PCPs?) because they may give you the most honest assessment of statins.

      (3) I hate to say it, but you might want to look for another doctor. It doesn’t sound like you trust this one. Frankly, if you push back about the statin thing and he doesn’t seem to be listening, that is a concern. At the very least, he should acknowledge what the risks are…without that, you aren’t even really giving informed consent.

      Good luck!

      1. I completely agree with TCFKAG’s 3rd point here. I think trust is an important aspect in a situation like this and it does seem like he isn’t listening to you.

    7. Doctors are really pushing statins now for very questionable (or nonexistent) reasons. My 60-year-old dad is in great shape, eats healthy, golfs at least 27 holes a week, and has completely normal cholesterol and no family history of high cholesterol, and his doctor recently tried to convince him to go on a statin because he *might* develop a cholesterol problem now that he is 60. Like his age, independent of all other factors, was the sole reason for him to start taking a daily medication with identifiable negative side effects. Whatever. My dad is looking for a new doctor.

      From past experience, I am very leery of doctors who prescribe medication because the *medication* is so great, not because they can tell you exactly why you need it and what the possible effects – positive and negative – might be. I have had a couple of doctors try to put me on antidepressants for my migraines without offering any kind of alternative medication (like an abortive triptan, which seems obvious?) and without, seemingly, any real understanding of what the antidepressant would do to the rest of my life if it did have any affect on my migraines. I don’t think people who aren’t depressed need antidepressants and I don’t think people who don’t have truly high cholesterol need statins. I would find a new cardiologist.

      1. I was rx’d an antidepressant as an alternative to pain killers for a digestive condition I was dealing with. The logic was if you have normal serotonin levels and then take an antidepressant further increasing your serotonin levels, it blocks the pain receptors. (Not a doctor and this was many years ago so I may be wrong in how I remember the logic.) Anyway, I did it, and it did significantly reduce my pain for about 3 months. Then my body seemed to just adapt to the drug and the pain came back. I had no problem coming off the antidepressant and didn’t notice any side effects while I was on it (generic of prozac.) There were actually talks in the media at one point about selling prozac under another name for when it was used for pain management instead of depression to help patients get over the stigma of taking prozac.

        While it is obviously not a long term solution, I would try it again if I needed to reduce pain and have a clear head at work. I just wanted to chime in in case you are still considering trying it. Also, a coworker had the same results taking it for back pain.

      2. I agree that you should consider looking for a new doc. This one doesn’t fit your philosophical stance. I had something a little like this happen to me and it’s made me a lot more guarded about trusting a doctor only because he’s a doctor. I had a bad feeling about it when on my first visit as I was settling into the exam chair, he pulled out an Rx pad and, with pen poised, said, “So, what’s bothering you?”

        He wrote me about 4 prescriptions. I went home and looked up the meds, and 3 of the 4 of them are not considered safe to take while breastfeeding. This is after I had clearly noted on my intake form, AND mentioned to him in conversation several times that I am breastfeeding.

        Bottom line: There are doctors who don’t like to think, just like there are lawyers who don’t like to think. Look for one who does.

    8. I’m confused about whether the new cardiologist’s recommendation that you go on Lipitor have anything to do with your stent. Regardless, I think you have a couple of options at this point. One is to do some independent research about the effects of Lipitor on women your age, then have a discussion with the new cardiologist about any concerns you may have. If he fails to address them, I would find a new cardiologist who is at least willing to explain why the benefits of Lipitor FOR YOU outweigh the costs TO YOU. Or you could just look for a new cardiologist right off the bat.

      I see a cardiologist for a congenital condition and one of the things I LOVE about him is that he answers Every Question I Ask No Matter How Long It Takes (he probably doesn’t have the same warm fuzzies about me). That’s a good doctor. I’m suspicious of any doctor who is recommending a pharmaceutical solution without consideration of its effect on the individual patient. I’ve seen a number of articles lately discussing the medical community’s tendency to recommend the latest, greatest treatment (surgical or pharmecutical) in the absence of any evidence that it achieves better results than an older treatment or that its benefits outweigh the risks to the patient. Also, you might find this blog post interesting.

      http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/09/rethinking-normal-blood-pressure/

      Bottom line is that if the new cardiologist won’t answer your specific questoins, you should find someone who will.

    9. I hope the OP is still reading.. I work in research and am doing a study on statins with Niacin (over the counter) I would suggest finding a new cardiologist, and also discussing the possibility of taking Niacin in lieu of taking statins. They are finding that it has similar results, it’s over the counter and cheap. However, it can cause severe flushing/itching, so take a 325mg aspirin about half an hour prior to taking the Niacin, and drink plenty of water. Also, take it at night, so the flushing and itching occur when you’re not surrounded by co-workers…

  12. Any advice on how to find a good headhunter? I am a midlevel, litigation associate at a good sized firm in Dallas and am ready to find an in-house position. Only a few of my friends in town have changed jobs since we finished law school (probably a reflection on the general state of the legal market) and only one who has gone inhouse–and that person didn’t use a headhunter. How do I find someone with a good reputation and good contacts?

    Thanks all. Have a great weekend!

    1. I just used a headhunter to lateral in Dallas. I didn’t use her (only because she didn’t have a position at the time and then I found my dream job), but call Alexis Johnson at Newhouse and Noblin. She’s awesome and an excellent resource on job hunting, in general. I’d bounce ideas off of her for a year prior to my eventual job change.

    2. Umm… why do you need a headhunter to find an in-house job? Some companies don’t like candidates that are introduced through a headhunter because then they have to pay the headhunter’s fees. Have you tried to network and find a contact at prospective employers directly? Have you submitted your resume to alums who work at those companies? I worked in-house and also had several interviews for in-house positions and seriously, contacting someone already there was the way to get in the door. The two times I submitted a resume through a headhunter (and the most reputed ones in my city), I never heard from the headhunter again.

  13. I think there was a discussion awhile back about business cards in the comments, but I couldn’t find it so I apologize for whatever of this is repeated.

    I’m unemployed, actively seeking a job, and doing my best to network. I’m thinking about getting business cards made up, but I’m not sure if this is worth the money. I think it would be easier than carrying around my resume though. Do you all think it is worth it to get some printed?

    If yes, I have a few specific questions.

    1- What information do I include since I am unemployed?
    a- Do I include my personal address?
    b- I was planning to put my linkedin profile address
    c- Do I just put “Attorney” or specify the area I am experienced in (i.e. “Tax Attorney”)

    2- How much design or color is appropriate?

    3- Have you seen business cards that stood out to you in a good or bad way? If so, how?

    4- I was looking at purchasing them from Vistaprint and upgrading to the nicer cardstock. Is this a good place to buy them or would you recommend somewhere else?

    1. I was part of a volunteer organization that required me to have business cards, which we got through VistaPrint – they were perfectly fine, but the free ones have the VistaPrint logo on the back so you might want to upgrade and remove the logo. You can also just make your own if you have a printer.

      I’d include at least your phone number and email but possibly also a mailing address, and your bar admissions, and maybe your degrees (especially include your degrees if you’re networking with alumni). The linked in profile address is also a good touch but include the crucial info on the card – don’t assume people will remember to go to the linked in site.

      I’d keep them minimalist. I’ve seen tacky business cards that stood out in a bad way (one woman I know has a courthouse background on her cards – it’s ugly). I think slightly quirky cards stand out in a good way – vertical cards, for example, or colorful ones. Keep the fonts legible. Make sure the card is a traditional business card size so it will fit in people’s card holders and not get lost.

      1. I used the up-graded ones (no logo on back) while I was unemployed and they were fine. Before that I had the print-yourself ones and they looked really cheap (even in comparison to the Vistaprint ones) – I think it was because the card stock didn’t seem quite as heavy.
        Mine had name, degrees (school, type of degree, and date received), phone number, and email.

    2. I think name, tax attorney (if that’s where you want to keep your focus), email address and phone # are enough. No more than one extra color (besides black, white/cream) and minimal if any design. You simply want to have something to exchange when others ask for your card. It’s your conversation when you meet and your follow-up that will help people remember you.

    3. also, check the rules on attorney advertising in your state. some states have rules that if you put a specialty, you have to state whether you are board certified and stuff like that. Probably won’t impact you, but check to be sure!

      Good luck!

  14. Just wanted to share that I caved and bought the Clarisonic Mia this morning based on all the raves on here-can’t wait for it to be delivered!
    In general, what cleansers do you all use with it? Just whatever you used before or something different?

    1. I use what I used before, which was a fairly gentle cleanser.

      I’m actually wondering if people use exfoliators in conjunction with the Clarisonic? Would that be too abrasive?

      1. You can use a mild exfoliator, but I think anything more than once a week is too abrasive. I used it twice this week and it was just too much.

      2. I use La Mer and Arcona granulated exfoliators with my Clarisonic brush, and I have super-sensitive skin, but never had a problem.

      3. I use La Mer and Arcona granulated exfoliators with my Clarisonic brush, and I have super-sensitive skin, but never had a problem.

    2. I use Cetaphil just like I did before. I don’t exfoliate anymore–I think that would be too much. Enjoy your Clarisonic, I think it is a fabulous gizmo.

    3. I just use what I used before – Neutrogena liquid face wash (squat, square bottle). I haven’t used an exfoliator since I got my Clarisonic because I don’t think I’ve needed it.

  15. Hi corporettes;
    I have a question to american ‘rettes on the website as I suspect I might have been caught in some cultural misunderstanding.
    So here it goes, I was at a volunteering activity organized by my company in a poor part of my country and we got to the consul’s husband and son to participate. Since 1) I am a very talkative person and 2) a bit more fluent in English than the rest of employees, and 3) love american culture and 4) because of teh nature of my job… anyway bottom line is my general manager thought I should stick around with the two americans which I absolutely loved.
    I talked so much and thought the kid is so sweet that I wanted to keep in touch after he goes back to the states. (The father is staying in Morocco and I will get to see him in the future, but the kid is going back to school).
    I sent him a facebook invitation and hoping he would accept but now I am having second thoughts.
    I am not romantically interested (he is 16 and I am 25), I am not trying to use his parents’ position, I just want to have one new friend.
    I have noticed americans have some rules on comfort zones and how close you get to people and things like that. I am scared maybe because I talk a lot (as you noticed on corporette) maybe I scared him away.
    Also is sending an invitation -after spending only one day talking and doing volunteer work- considered as too intrusive?
    I know in my country it would be normal, but I am not sure for north americans and I appreciated getting a nice person to talk to so I do not want to do a cultural faux pas.
    If it was too intrusive, is there a way to fix this? I know I will be meeting his father and mother in social functions (Amcham gala, etc.) and would like to avoid awkward situations.

    Thanks for reading through, i’ll wait for your input

    1. I’ve sent Facebook friend requests to people I met and spoke with for an hour or two in social situations, especially if I am friendly with someone they know. I always have that initial fear that they might think it was weird, but I don’t think that is really the case. I wouldn’t really worry about it.

    3. American here. Nope! I don’t think that’s too intrusive. I’ve sent facebook and/or linkedin invites to people after spending a few hours chatting with them while doing a volunteer activity.

      Don’t worry about it. :-)

    4. Ne t’inquiète pas, Houda.

      I don’t even have Facebook, but my understanding is that this is completely normal and acceptable.

    5. I’m from the Northeastern US, and most recently in the DC area. My distinct impression is that there’s a generational gap in the US regarding how casually people Facebook friend each other. I doubt the 16 year old thought it was weird; people have certainly sent me FB friend requests after far less contact and with absolutely no chance of romantic entanglement (ie, my husband’s co-workers who I’ve met once, or other parents of kids in my child’s soccer group). Personally, I’d have interpreted the friends request as welcoming and complimentary. If he told his father, then his father could have thought it was strange, but it’d be hard to tell without knowing the man. In general, though, I wouldn’t worry about it – there’s a decent chance that the son doesn’t keep his parents informed about such things, anyway. ;)

      1. I bonded with the dad too and he seemed comfortable around me because he extensively talked about his kids and other details without me asking

    6. Thanks all!
      So I guess I won’t be mortified next time I meet the parents.
      This is truly a relief as I tend to over-analyze some situations.

      1. Just make sure your privacy settings are appropriately set so that the consul’s son doesn’t see something he shouldn’t! I’d probably set the settings how I set it for work people – they can’t see my wall, my notes, or any pictures in my albums or tagged of me, but they can see any pictures I upload into my profile photos. If you want to get really elaborate, you can select what level of privacy you want for each wall post, I think.

        And resist the temptation to comment regularly on his wall. Every few months at most, unless he is commenting on yours.

        1. Thanks for the note. Well my facebook has no wild pictures or outrageous posts (I am a very boring person).
          But I’ll make sure to keep frequency of wall posts to a minimum

          1. Just keep it to a minimum until he starts commenting a lot on yours! Basically, let him decide how much interaction to have, which you should match with his level of communication, or minus one level. If he starts posting or liking all over your wall, you can post/like back with some frequency – you may end up being great friends! Just don’t be one of the most frequent commenters/”likers” on his wall.

            You are overthinking :).

        1. Houda, I may be late on this but how was your trip to LA? As a LA native I would love to hear about your impressions and of course, your shopping finds!

          1. Thanks for remembering!
            I still didn’t go; I will arrive on April 10th and stay 5 days then go to Denver meet my friend then back to Morocco.
            I’m already booked for the VIP tour of universal studio, can’t wait!

    7. I think it’s totally fine that you sent the friend request.
      Don’t feel bad if he doesn’t accept it though – teenagers usually don’t want grownups to see what they’re up to :)

  16. As an additional note-I often don’t act on those requests right away, not so much as a function of any odd response I’m having, I’m just kind of lazy.

  17. Ladies, I need a low cost mascara recommendation. I currently use LashMaxx by Rimmel. I got it at Ulta. The problem is it flakes off and Iget chunks of mascara in my eyes. Well, it feels like chunks. Then my eyes get all red and irritated. I also have a problem with excessive eyelashes faling out. Again, stabbing me in the eyeball.

    I don’t wear mascara often. Only when I have court. I work from home so the only time I have to dress up is when I go to court. So, it is not an every day thing. But, it is often enough that it irritates the heck out of me.

    Any recs appreciated.

    Thanks.

      1. I am a huge fan of L’Oreal mascaras. I have used more expensive stuff but I always go back to L’Oreal. My favorite is the volumizing, but I have not tried Double Extend. I think they’re all great though.

        One tip re flakes & clumps, sometimes the mascara is initially a bit goopy. I usually wipe the wand on some tissue the first few times I use it, and the problem solves itself.

        I have also used Almay one coat with some success. No flakes, etc. But not as dramatic as L’Oreal…. Also, do consider if your mascara is just maybe old? I find that flakes usually appear when a mascara is a bit past its expiration date.

    2. Almay and Physician’s Formula are both hypo-allergenic and found at drugstores. Blinc’s tube kind also bills itself as good for sensitive eyes, but it is not on the cheap end for mascara, and I personally didn’t like the look on me. I found my lashes lost their curl and looked very thin compared to when I use other brands.

    3. This is why I don’t wear mascara anymore – I can’t stand the irritation from the flakes, not to mention the raccoon eyes at the end of the day. I just use a good eyelash curler (I prefer Shiseido’s over Shu Uemura, both are pricey though), and line with Lancome Artliner, which doesn’t budge.

    4. My absolute favorite is Maybelline Define a Lash (green tube). The bristles are short so it’s easy to put a thin coat on, but it’s still great for lengthening, and I have never had issues with it flaking or running.

    5. I have always stuck with Maybelline. I’ve gotten those little testers of Clinique mascara, but I always go back to my trusted Maybelline. I either use the Great Lash or the one with the primer one one side and the black on the other.

      1. Great Lash is truly an incredible product, especially given the price point. I was using Benefit Bad Gal Lash for a while because I liked the big brush, but the flaking was becoming annoying, so I switched back to the trusty pink tube. I will never abandon it again.

    6. I like CoverGirl Lash Blast, but are you replacing your mascara every 3 months? Even if you don’t wear it every day, it still needs to get tossed because it will dry up and flake upon application

      1. I use blinc. It’s the mascara that becomes little tubes after you swipe it on – absolutely no flakes or eye irritation and, since it comes off as a tube, it doesn’t create the raccoon eye effect. It costs about $25/tube, but since it comes off with water and pressure (i.e. you have to actively take it off – rain or tears won’t do it), you don’t have to buy eye make up remover anymore.

    7. I really like Maybelline mascaras – The Falsies for a dramatic look, and I’ve heard good things about Full n Soft for a more natural look.

    8. One thing I’ve found is that the “waterproof” mascaras tend to be far worse on me. YMMV. To me, they flake, irritate the eyes etc. I don’t need my mascara to be waterproof because I don’t usually plan to cry at work and if I do, I probably have other things to worry about than my mascara. :)
      Non-waterproof ones – even if a bit goes into your eye, it washes out. Also the whole thing comes off much easier at the end of the day.

    9. My MIL recently gave me some Este Lauder sample mascara. I confess, I’m usually a Walgreens/Target girl for cosmetics, and stay away from anything that can’t be bought there, but I LOVE this stuff. It’s an order of magnitude better than drugstore mascara, and hasn’t given my eye’s a moment’s bother, even though I wear hard contacts every day.

  18. A partner I’ve been working for lately just had a grandchild – should I give the partner a baby gift? When I had my baby the group gave me a group gift and I have no idea whether this partner contributed to it or not. If it matters, he doesn’t have any influence over my prospects of making partner since he doesn’t have any clients of his own. Also, I chatted with his wife at the holiday party for awhile and she is lovely, but I have never met the partner’s daughter, the new mom. Would it be weird to receive a gift from your dad’s associate?!?Thanks.

    1. Grandchild seems a little too removed to warrant giving a present to the partner. Offering warm congratulations at an appropriate moment should be more than enough.

      1. Thanks Res Ipsa. I appreciate your taking the time to respond. I’ll just buy myself something instead. :)

    2. Agree with Res Ipsa – no gift is expected. This is doubly true because it sounds like the partner is a guy. In my experience, colleagues haven’t even given baby presents to men who become fathers (which seems wrong to me, but that’s what I’ve noticed). AND, I was informed that it is workplace ettiquette not to give a female colleague a baby present if it isn’t her first child (I ignore this one, btw).

  19. Does anyone have any recommendations about garment bags? I don’t have a luggage set to match – I don’t travel for work excessively, but it may be up 1-2 times a quarter. I’ve been doing some looking online and LeSportSac appears to have both a traditional garment bag and a (three-fold) garment sleeve in a rip-stop nylon – anyone have experience with these? Also, if the LSS bag is the way to go, would you find one of their patterns too much – I’m in a very male dominated area of finance and will pick black luggage if necessary but would prefer something fun.

    1. I don’t have the LSS garment bag, but I looooooove my LSS tote. It is great quality and very durable. And I love the patterns.

  20. Thread jack – I posted this yesterday, but am hoping for some more responses (Thank you for your response SuzyQ) and providing additional information. I applied for a job in which the application was due at the end of January, with interviews to be held in early March. The firm is in a very small market with many offices throughout the state. I interned at the main office last summer and had a lot of positive feedback, and two attorneys even offered and subsequently wrote letters of recommendations for me. I submitted the application via e-mail to someone who works in HR. I have e-mailed her one time to follow up on the letters of recommendations because they were sent to her separately. At what point should I follow up on my application, and what type of wording would you use in the inquiry? Also, I have only spoken to the director once (over the phone) while I was interning there. Would it be appropriate to e-mail him and let him know that I have submitted an application and am very interested at working with the firm? Thank you in advance for your answers.

    1. I wouldn’t follow up with the director if your only previous interaction with him was one phone call. You could send an email to the HR person reiterating your interest in the position and asking her to contact you if any more information is needed. I would just say something brief like:

      Dear HR person:

      I’m writing to follow up on my application for __. I very much enjoyed my summer internship at Main Office and I am very excited about the possibility of working for __. Please let me know if I can provide any additional information.

      Sincerely yours,
      Ri

      (I’m still waking up so that could probably be more eloquently worded.)

      Also, have you considered following up with your attorney recommendations informally to see if interviewing has started?

  21. So, one of my best friends is getting married, and she has asked me to be part of something called a “house party,” which as far as I can tell means “group of women providing free labor so she doesn’t have to hire a wedding planner but can still have her Special Day.” (This is on top of her many bridesmaids.) I love my friend, but I can’t believe she needs to force 17 women (total) to buy special dresses and get us to do random tasks for her. I am pretty sure this is something she just made up (no one I’ve talked to has ever heard of a “house party,” but granted this friend and I are from different socio-economic classes so maybe it’s a WASP-y northeastern custom) because she thinks every one of her female friends wants to be in her wedding and doesn’t want to leave people out, but I’m frankly annoyed with being asked to spend money and plan things for her, and the wedding is still three months away.

    Obviously I cannot say this to my friend, so I needed to post it here and get it off my chance. The weird thing is that she was so normal and sane, and now that she got engaged she’s become Ms. Diva. Anyone else have any bridezilla stories to share?

    1. After a half dozen ugly bridesmaid dresses, plus the additional expenses of mandatory hair and makeup stylists, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and days slaving over favors and flowers and seating arrangements, I have decided I’m not doing it anymore. I truly wish my engaged friends the best in life, but I’m done spending so much time and money just for the “honor” of being a part of their events. I’d rather be a guest and actually enjoy the celebration instead of spending a precious weekend filling hundreds of little plastic favor bags with candy and tying them with a monogrammed ribbon.

      Just because your friend is getting married does not mean that you owe her free labor and money. And just because your friend is getting married does not mean that declining to attend X event makes you a bad friend. Tell your friend so happy for you, really appreciate the invitation, and can’t wait to attend her beautiful wedding to celebrate, but you’re just not available on House Party day.

      1. Just to add a war story on this topic — skipping the event doesn’t mean you are necessarily off the hook. One year I was in 6 (yup) weddings and attended 4 others, and missed a bridal shower because I was traveling for a different wedding. I was one of 9 bridesmaids and had no involvement in planning the shower b/c I had offered to co-plan the bachelorette. Wouldn’t you know, a few days later and with no warning whatsoever I got a $200 bill in the mail from the maid of honor for the bridal shower that I did not attend, plan, or in any way oversee/approve the costs for. I spent $7000 that year on other people’s weddings, and that doesn’t even include the portion of the gifts, hotels, etc. that my then-boyfriend covered.

        And despite all of this, and some lingering resentment about the way a couple of those brides behaved (not to even touch on the MOHs and mothers of the bride): No chance can you get out of being a bridesmaid at this point without doing serious friendship damage. I have obviously never found a gracious way to decline the bridesmaid request when first asked, but I think barring true emergency, you can’t get out of it after you’ve already accepted without risking some real friendship fallout.

        1. Wow, suddenly I feel less sorry for myself. $7,000??? That’s absurd.

        2. That definitely beats me. I thought it was bad when I started a new job and was moving and then got “fired” as bridesmaid because I wasn’t doing enough work for the bride. At least I didn’t get a bill.

        3. Wow, they had the nerve to send you a bill without consulting you first? Did you actually pay them?

      2. Ah, like me, you misunderstand the house party. It’s not an event. It’s a group of women who help plan the wedding and takes care of everything on the day of the wedding. I wish it were as simple as not being available!

    2. Sounds like you’re harboring a bit of resentment towards the bride-to-be. Can you graciously back out of being a part of the wedding party at this point?

    3. Um…the only acceptable meaning for “house party” is a party in a house involving jello shots and a keg.

      Also…for the record, I’m from the northeast and have never heard of such a thing. I do feel like people who get too caught up in their weddings feel like they want to “include” everyone because they don’t want people to feel “left out” (its the center of THEIR life, so they forget its not the center of everyone elses). And, she’s probably heard so many times “Oh, just let me know if there’s anything I can do” that she assumes everyone wants to do stuff for her.

      Look, she has 17 people apparently involved in her wedding…hopefully you can gracefully withdraw. But she sounds like she’s going a bit crazy…so expect some crazy.

      1. My friend is from the northeast, but apparently the house party is a southern thing (thanks, Google!). We live mid-atlantic – not sure where she got it from.

        1. Actually now that I think of it, she went to grad school in the south. Now I know where she got the idea.

    4. Your read of the house party is right on–the you-didn’t-make-the-bridesmaid-cut-but-I-still-want-you-to-feel-included group. I was in a house party once (my friend is from TX and apparently they are common there) and frankly, it was miserable.

      I thought the house party was basically a glorified usher role: I was going to hand out the programs and be around with her and the bridesmaids before the ceremony. What I didn’t realize was that I was also going to be responsible for steaming all of the bridesmaids dresses, by myself, during the rehearsal. I probably would have felt better about the situation had I been invited to the rehearsal dinner, but I was not, and the whole thing just seemed rude. Burning my hand on the steamer certainly didn’t help matters.

      Yes, I cared a lot about my friend and wanted to help her day go as smoothly as possible, but honestly, I would have been happier to just go as a guest. It sounds like your friend has plenty of help and more than likely asked you because she didn’t want you to feel left out. Depending on your relationship, I think you could tell her that you are really, truly honored by her thoughtfulness but that you’re happier to go as a guest. She might be relieved. Also, FWIW, in my case the house party members didn’t wear matching dresses–I’ve heard of situations where they coordinate, but I don’t know that I’ve heard of them having to buy a specific dress.

      1. “What I didn’t realize was that I was also going to be responsible for steaming all of the bridesmaids dresses, by myself, during the rehearsal. I probably would have felt better about the situation had I been invited to the rehearsal dinner, but I was not, and the whole thing just seemed rude.”

        WHOA NELLY!! Back the truck up! That takes some moxie, to ask you to be unpaid labor in her wedding and have you steam dresses instead of going to the fun social event the girls wearing the dresses are invited to, but you are not. Are you still friends with her???

        Enough with the madness. If people keep agreeing to these completely ridiculous bridal requests, who knows where it will end? The next step is probably charging people a fee for the “privilege” of being in, or attending, the wedding. To the OP – I would say you are too busy at work, or make up some other plausible excuse, and get out of this. I mean, really. If it takes 17 unpaid volunteers to put on a wedding, the wedding’s scope is out-of-control. I have put on corporate events for 1,000 that didn’t require 17 volunteers.

        And like “thanks but no thanks,” I am now officially retired from being a wedding attendant. After my last really close girlfriend got remarried a couple of years ago, I decided I was not ever going to do it again, for anyone, for any reason. If the bride is lovely and reasonable, it can be a great experience, but so many brides lose their heads (and any sense of propriety and empathy) when they are planning, and the experience is just miserable. The bride the OP will be providing unpaid labor to sounds more like the “miserable” kind of bride. OP, just say nooooo!!

        1. We’re still friends (well, I guess I would say friendly; we haven’t had too much communication since the wedding), although I don’t know that she ever found out how upset I was about the whole situation.

          In fairness to her, she did cover my hotel room, so there was some compensation for my labor :) The rehearsal dinner was also pretty small and I think there had been a mis-communication about who was invited–she originally said I was, but then none of the house party members were invited.

          Her sister was the one coordinating the house party and had “traditional” views about the house party roles, so I was more upset with her than with my friend. In my mind, you have everyone steam their own dresses, if they steam them at all, and you don’t invite someone to steam dresses at the rehearsal when they aren’t going to the rehearsal dinner. To each their own, I guess, but the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth.

        2. I’m with you, Ann. I cannot believe the appalling gall this bride had. Another does the work, while the “closer” friends go to the party?? This bride would no longer be my friend.

          Luckily I’ve aged out of the whole bridal shower-maid of honor-please spend $2000 on my great day-thing, but back in the day, after five weddings in 18 months, I declared a moratorium on being in anyone’s wedding. I told everyone I knew and no one asked me again. I had to make one exception for my brother, but after that I was off the hook.

          Take Nancy Reagan’s advice – Just Say No.

        3. I have nothing to add to this, except 1) having no bridesmaids/attendants/house parties (seriously, WTF?) was one of the best decisions I made when planning my wedding, and 2) “Back the truck up!” is my new favorite saying. Thanks for the laugh :)

      2. PS – “House Parties” are definitely a Texas thing, not a Northeast WASP-y thing as the original poster implied. I’ve never heard of them outside of TX to tell truth.

        1. Thanks. I have no idea where my friend came up with this, then, as I don’t think she’s even been to Texas. She is northeastern and, well, WASP-y.

          1. Now that I think of it, she went to grad school in the south. Now I know where she got the idea.

        2. I am from Texas, tons of weddings lately and I have never heard of this. Even in TX this is not normal behavior!

      3. I hope that at some point when you needed her, this friend you care a lot about has REALLY been there for you.

    5. I would probably tell her that you would love to help in any way you can, but you are swamped with work and cannot make a commitment. I’m in a wedding in June, but luckily my friend knows I’m in law school and don’t have much time/money.

    6. I’m weirdly fascinated by the fact that you have to buy a matching dress for this. I’m going to count myself as lucky that in those situations where I was not asked to be a bridesmaid but would have loved to be one that I was only ever asked to fill in with the fun tasks (dress shopping, cake tasting, etc).

      We should all keep running lists of the things we vow never to do as brides!

      1. To be fair to her, the dresses don’t have to match, they just have to be a certain color. I can pick out my own.

        1. I hope if you end up doing it that the color is at least flattering on you!

      2. I just realized that I’ve been a bridesmaid three times and NEVER gotten to go to the cake tasting. Lots of other things, but not that for whatever reason. I feel suddenly feel ripped off, lol.

        1. I went once as a bridesmaid and once as a non-bridesmaid friend. It was definitely fun! There were other times that I was a bridesmaid that I didn’t get to go. I don’t think it is a typical bridesmaid duty.

      3. It’s true. On the flip side, once you’re a bride, you do get a better feel for what you wish for from other people. I had 3 bridesmaids and 0 help. They communicated little about their plans, flew in the night before the wedding (and 2 of the 3 went out and partied with other friends that night while I worked into the night on last-minute details), and left right after the reception. All family on both sides did the same. Perhaps there is a sane middle ground?

    7. these stories are making me love my friends even more. I’ve only been a bridesmaid in two weddings, and both brides were like “here’s a color–go pick whatever dress you want as long as it’s that color!” (though one specified a store and fabric, but it was one that had a lot of different designs).

      1. oh, that reminds me–bridesmaid dresses. Who pays? One of my friends bought the bridesmaid dresses, which to me seemed perfectly normal since it was their wedding and they’re specifying what to wear, but my mother thought this was odd and usually the bridesmaid pays for her own dress.

        1. I think usually the bridesmaid pays for her own dress.
          Groomsmen pay for own tux (rental).
          But it is — I believe — customary for the bridesmaids/groomsmen to get gifts from the bride/groom. Though, of course, you are also still required to give gifts, too, no matter how much you spent on that dress you are forced to wear.

          Question: If you are hosting the wedding shower, are you ALSO still required to bring a gift, too?

        2. Normally you buy your own dress but the bride gives you a gift. I’ve known several brides who paid for the dress for bridesmaids who can’t afford the dress the bride picked, though.

          @AIMS – Required is probably too strong a word, but most people would bring a gift even if they hosted, yes.

          1. Thanks! That’s what I was thinking, too. It makes sense. I was going to bring a somewhat smaller gift than I would if I was just a guest, but maybe I won’t scale down much now that you said that.

          2. AIMS – if you’re in the midst of planning one…

            one thing my shower hostesses did that I thought was really cute (and it was their gift to me) was get a bunch of small kitchen gadgets (think the bins at C&B that range from $2-$10 or so) and placed them around the tables at my shower; I think they also had one pricy item in the set (a nice knife I think). They set up a game where you had to guess what the “official” name of the gadget was – they tagged each gadget with a card that said how many words the “official” name was. So, for a vegetable peeler – the card said 4 words – the right answer was “stainless steel vegetable peeler.” Um, maybe it was more fun / a better ice breaker in person than it sounds written down… it was a mixed friends/family shower so not everyone knew each other.

          3. Cat, thanks for the idea! I am definitely trying to figure out some games that would be fun & get folks who don’t know each other talking, so that sounds perfect :)

    8. Wait, what? Are you not part of the wedding party, but an adjunct or something? I have never heard of a ‘house party’ (and I have been involved in several WASPy northeastern weddings). Just say no! You’re not obligated to buy a special dress, or do things or spend money for her – just say you’re unable to help right now, but you’re very much looking forward to the wedding. :)

    9. My sister, in Nebraska, has had the misfortune of being in 3 or so house parties. So it is definitely a trend in some parts of the country outside of Texas. Sister thought it was annoying, not particularly inclusive, and hated every minute of it, every time. She never found a graceful way to say no, though. Fortunately, I don’t think she was ever forced to buy a matching dress. Anyway, I guess the point is to say that the although the general consensus here (rightfully I think) is that a house party is a ridiculous, insulting thing — it is in fact a Thing That People Do, and the bride probably thought it was a good idea since other people do it.

      1. Yeah. She also is a member of a religion where her bridesmaids, I guess, all have to be of the same religion in order to participate in the ceremony. I think she wanted to include her friends of other religions in some special way – but I frankly don’t feel special! I hate being a bridesmaid and would have been totally happy to just go to the wedding and enjoy myself as a guest.

        1. Yep, that’s about how it goes. But at least we are all learning what not to do for our weddings … Hopefully it will be relatively painless, as much as it can be!

    10. This stuff always amazes me. I’m the sort of person who absolutely hates to ask anyone to do anything for me. All I ever asked of my bridesmaids was to buy the dress ($70, from a Chadwicks catalogue, in a very nice and neutral shade of blue) and show up for the rehersal dinner and ceremoney. I think asking them for more would have just put more stress on me!

      Someone mentioned this on the elopement thread upwards, but when you have a few spare minutes, hop on over to ettiquettehell.com. It’s a fantastic collection of stories of the worst sorts of behavior involving weddings, showers, funerals, you name it. Great de-stresser!

    11. I remember when I was planning my wedding, all the books and websites said to not be afraid to ask other people to help with the wedding – “everyone loves you and wants to help in every way they can” – and thinking that it was all ridiculous. Why would my friends want to waste time and money in my wedding? Don’t they have better things to do? My husband and I ended up doing pretty much everything ourselves, and we had a small, modest wedding. No one was particularly upset that there were no favors.

      If anyone asks, I’m planning on declining bridesmaid duty for anyone except my (2-3) closest friends.

      1. Personally I do want to help with my good friend’s weddings – I feel it’s a huge honor to get to participate in this incredibly significant ritual of my friend tying her life to another. IMO weddings are about community and community should be about working together. I’d far rather run around and feel like I was part of my friend’s wedding than attend a glamorous party. To me weddings are not about a party or about having fun, it’s about witnessing this huge event and being there for your friend. Different strokes…

    12. Again, probably super late on this thread, but I’ll give my two cents. House parties are really common from what I’ve seen, but they’re much more low-key than what you’re describing! I had a house party with my cousins and aunts, and the “requirement” was that on the day of the wedding, the cousins passed out programs, and the aunts helped cut the cake. Literally, they each “worked” for about thirty minutes. There was no showing up early, no helping with favors, none of that. We actually spent money on them by buying them corsages to signify special involvement. Since they were all coming from out of town, they weren’t required for the rehearsal dinner, but if they wanted to come in early, they were more than welcome to attend.
      We actually paid for the bridesmaids’ dresses on the premise that if I wanted to be high maintenance by making them match, I should pay for it myself. I also didn’t require out-of-town house party or bridesmaids to attend or contribute to my shower! That’s ridiculous… I just don’t think asking you to be in my wedding should cost you an arm and a leg. One of my girlfriends is military, so she’s not allowed to have painted fingernails. I wanted her to be able to participate in the mani/pedi session during the bachelorette party, so as part of her grad gift, I gave her a gift certificate to the salon and some polish-remover to be used the day after the wedding when she returned to work. She loved it, because she never gets to do “girly” stuff, and didn’t want to waste money, since she could only keep the manicure for about 3 days. During her wedding, she paid for our dresses and treated us to mani/pedi as well. No drama at all with her!
      Some people are just unreasonable, but not all “Southern belles” are over-the-top bridezillas… it’s NOT normal to be treated that way!

  22. I come from a different culture and cannot imagine having to spend soooo much money on bridalshowers, parties AND purchasing your own ugly bridesmaid dress! In my culture we wear clothes of our own choosing and simply buy a wedding gift. Oh we also hold bridal showers, but those are usually lunch affairs.

    Different strokes I guess.

  23. Ladies, I would like to get your thoughts on laser hair removal on my legs.

    I currently shave, but invariably my legs start to itch a few hours later (triggered by the growing stubble). I have tried applying lotion/oil; have tried multiple types of shaving cream but have had no luck.
    The only thing that appears to work is hydrocortisone cream (available OTC); but I still worry about the long term effects of applying hydrocortisone to my skin on a regular basis.
    Result: itchy, scratched skin on an almost daily basis (I save the hydrocortisone for when I’m desperate)

    Have any of you had laser hair removal for your legs? How much should I expect to spend for a reputable doctor – a few hundred bucks, or more like a few thousand dollars? Are you happy with your decision, and would you recommend it to a close friend?

    TIA!

    1. I used to get itchy legs after shaving too. Like immediatetly after, while I was still in the shower. The Dr. prescribed these heavy steroid creams, but like you I was uncomfortable covering my entire leg with it. I tried all sorts of shaving creams too. A nurse one time then asked did I have itching when I shave under my arms. I told her no so she asked how I shaved them. I said a cheap razor and soap. She told me to try soap on my legs too then. Totally worked! She was a genius.

    2. Have you tried a depillatory? I use Veet and it works great, no stubble. You could also try waxing. Removing hair at the root (as with a depillatory or waxing) feels quite different from just chopping it off (as with shaving) and it doesn’t produce the same itchiness or coarseness when it grows back. I’d try those options before I went for something as drastic and expensive as laser removal.

    3. I just heard that there is new laser hair removal equipment that is only used on larger areas like legs and doesn’t hurt that bad. It uses suction along with the laser. It sounds strange but someone I know works at a dr. office that uses it and was raving about it.

    4. If you decide laser hair removal is the way, join all those Groupon/LivingSocial type sites–I decided I wanted to do it and two sites had “coupons” within a week! So I’m getting several parts done for about $100 each, and since the $100 coupon covered half of it, paid about $700 more for the rest of my lower legs. I’ve only had the first session done (it takes 5-6) so can’t comment so much on the effectiveness.

    5. I’m about a year into the process, and I love it. I did get an insane deal, ~$600 for the lower legs (I think in real life it would probably be closer to $2K, maybe?). What can I say, the economy really sucked when I started. I do have the light skin/dark hair combo, which is perfect for laser – the more contrast the better. I used to get a “5 o’clock shadow” on my legs, now I can easily skip a day or two and the hair that does grow grows back more slowly and seems less coarse. It also seems sparser. I would not say I have NO leg hair anymore, but I am very pleased with the difference the laser has made. I might consider bikini-ish area (mainly just the skin that would not be covered by a relatively modest bikini bottom) if they offer me a good deal again!

      The place I went recommended using EMLA, the topical anesthetic. You put it on about 2 hours before the treatment and have to wrap your legs in plastic to exclude air. I really recommend using EMLA, because the laser can be a bit painful. The pain doesn’t last long, though. Also, I get really red from the treatment – the first few times it looked like I’d stepped in a mosquito nest, but it was pretty much gone in a couple of hours.

      I’d say do some homework on the site you choose, and you probably need to be more careful if you have darker skin, as it’s more likely to get burns. But I am very, very happy I decided to have this done. I went to an American Laser Center, I’ve been fairly satisifed with their staff, they seem to use a lot of nurse practitioners at the site I go to.

  24. Somewhat related to yesterday’s post:

    I am about to start a job that has a very casual dress code–essentially jeans for everyone. On one hand, it’s great because it will make it easy to get dressed in the morning. On the other hand, I am inspired by a lot of the recommendations found here and was a bit more excited than I should have been about the idea of wearing something more business professional!

    Anyhow, here’s what I’m wondering: does anyone have any recommendations about navigating the casual work wardrobe while 1) still looking polished (or at least semi-polished) and 2) not making your co-workers think you are prissy and trying to upstage them?

    Another somewhat-related thing is that I’m on a committee for a group with after-work meetings, and I feel like I would be under-dressed if I arrive in jeans. At the same time, I don’t want to be conspicuous during the day. Changing could be an option if necessary. Does anyone have any advice for transitioning between a casual work environment and networking/professional after-work events where others will be in more formal attire?

    TIA!

    1. I had an after work interview last Friday but didn’t want people at work suspecting.

      I wore a grey pansuit; but left the jacket in my car. My work outfit was grey pants, black top covered almost completely by a white 3/4 sleeve cardigan; with a colorful pearl necklace and earrings.

      I drove to the interview location; and once there, swapped my cardigan for the matching jacket and removed my necklace & earrings & wore simple nude-for-me studs instead.

      I like to think my 3/4 sleeve white cardigan & colorful pearls were Friday appropriate & I flew under the radar :-)

    2. Also, I find jeans uncomfortable & restrictive, especially for sitting at a computer for 8 – 10 hrs/day.

      I have this skirt (in a different color; bought it last year).
      http://www.zappos.com/product/7638583/color/19029

      I love the elastic waistband & the soft stretchy fabric, and I dress it up with a nice blouse & cardigan for work. (I also wear a slip to provide a little more weight, and avoid VPL)

      2. But Three Dots is a really good quality brand. I bet this skirt hangs much more nicely than the Old Navy version and holds up better to boot. I wouldn’t personally wear this style of skirt, but I do “spend up” on most of my casual basics — like T shirts — that could be gotten cheaper from Target just because I do wear them so often and for years on end. No reason to have to replace every season because they’re pulling out of shape and fading color.

        1. I agree on the quality of Three Dots; I have a cotton tank/cardigan set from them for many years now and it’s stll great, as well as a few other shirts and casual dresses. I do like to get them on sale though. Have to say though I also get casual tees from Old Navy and feel fne about tossing them after one season since they’re so cheap, and for layering with cardis they are just fine.

    3. I’d accessorize with nice jewelry and scarves to have a more polished, grown-up look. And never wear anything resembling a t-shirt with your jeans. I think it’s fine to wear different shades and styles of jeans.

      As for your after-work meetings – just because jeans are allowed, doesn’t mean it’s mandatory to wear them every day. A lot of women prefer a pencil skirt or dress to jeans. I’m sure you’ll get a better feel for this once you’ve been working a couple of weeks, but I’d just go for a skirt or dress on the days you have after-work commitments.

    4. One option is to break up suit-like pieces: jeans + jacket, or dress pants + cardigan, but never dress pants + jacket.
      Dresses are a great middle ground – a conservatively cut jersey dress with a cardigan fits in in a jeans work environment, but is still plausible in a business casual environment (or you can switch to a blazer if the cardigan won’t cut it).

      I used to feel the same way as you – I really wished I got to wear grown-up clothes like suits. But since then I’ve come to really appreciate the casual workplace. Most days I dress business casual and I don’t stick out too much; I have tons of leeway and room for creativity; and on days I feel crappy, I can roll in in jeans and old sweater and no one cares.

  25. I have a really funny story that I tell about job hunting, and a crucial part of the story is that I was at an event with a group from a firm where I wanted to get hired. I told the story to a group tonight and later realized that there were some people who work at my current firm who might have heard it. Current firm is not the firm “where I wanted to get hired.” I am so happy to be at current firm and would never trade place in a million years, but now I’m paranoid that they overheard and think I don’t want to work there. Not that there’s anything I can do about it now (hopefully I won’t obsess about it all weekend). Just wanted to vent. :(

    1. That sucks. You will probably spend way too much time thinking about this now. I know I always do in similar situations! But I can also tell you that I have never spent much time thinking about anything that anyone else said to me in any similar scenario. That is, they have probably not paid it much mind — if they even heard at all. Just smile when you go to work and make it clear (indirectly) that you are happy where you landed.

  26. Is Corporette being glitchy for anyone else over the last couple of days? When I first opened the main page, the only post that showed for today was the TPS Report. I knew that the Weekend Open Thread had been posted, because I saw it before I left the office. I refreshed the page and even went so far as to clear my cache/cookies, etc. and restart my browser, but the news posts wouldn’t show. I clicked on the Weekend Open Thread tag and this post came up. Now, when I go to the main page, the Open Thread and Weekly News Update show. What the heck?

    1. Yes it has. I wanted to show my friend a post with a link to another site on it, but it did not appear on her screen, even though I was looking at it. It was as if she had a different screen then I did.

      Anyway, I have a question: Does anyone in New York know whether there is a way to get free tickets to go to the Statue of Liberty? I have my entire family coming in this May (16 people), and right now, going there is going to be as expensive as getting theater tickets!!!???!!!

      If I have to pay so much money to go there, I might as well forget it, my boyfriend says. So I am hoping that somebody might have a clue how I can find a way to get my family to the Statue economically.

      1. Unless you’re really tied to actually going to Liberty Island and climbing it, you should take them on the Staten Island Ferry for free. It goes right by and you get the views.

        http://www.siferry.com/

      2. There is only one way to get tickets to go TO the Statue of Liberty, and that is through http://www.statuecruises.com. No other company can sell these tickets. The tickets are nowhere near as expensive as theater tickets, so I don’t know why you say that.

        If you just want to SEE the statue, you could always take the (free) Staten Island ferry, for reasonable (if somewhat distant) views of the statue.

  27. For us more full busted lawyers who are always looking for blouses that do not gap, Groupon is offering spend $50.00 for $100.00 clothing at Carissa Rose. You have to select Dallas as your city. I love my two tops that keep everything covered.

    2. Yay! Thanks for posting this!

      As of my posting, there are 3 more people needed to get this deal…

  28. One for the NW Corporettes in particular – some of you very kindly offered me some advice on my upcoming trip to Vancouver and Seattle which was awesome! I’m going in a couple of weeks and unfortunately my friend who was thinking about coming with me can no longer go. This is fine as I’m quite happy to go by myself but I have been wondering about general safety. I’m pretty safety-conscious and from what I can gather, neither city is particularly dangerous but I was hoping for some advice from those in the know.

    Are there any no-go areas to avoid by myself? Also any particular good taxi companies to recommend that are generally safe? Can you hail taxis in the street or should I always call one? Also any more tips on fun places to go see/eat/shop would be appreciated particularly from the angle that I’ll be by myself.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. In Seattle, you can hail taxis on the street – there’s no need to call one. I think that this is one of the safest places that I’ve ever lived, and I’m a single woman living alone. There’s no place that you’re likely to be going as a tourist that you would need to worry about.

      Can’t speak for Vancouver – haven’t been yet – but provided that you’re comfortable in large cities, you’ll have no problems in Seattle.

      1. I think Seattle is one of the safest cities but I personally wouldn’t wander alone between Third Avenue and the waterfront (in downtown Pike Place area) after 11 or midnight. Nor would I wander alone in Pioneer Square or the International District after 11. Depending on your hotel location you might ask the desk about after-dark walks. If you’re near Nordstroms or the Seattle Public Library or the Westin, you’re probably ok after dark. Belltown has a good bar scene but it has had some after-midnight shootings recently.

        P.S. Cbackson, how was the meet-up?

    2. I’ve been to Vancouver a few times and it is always a blast — I’m definitely jealous of your upcoming trip :) (this is assuming you’re talking about Vancouver, B.C.!)

      Things to see in Vancouver: Granville Island (which I don’t really think is a true island–still in the city, but has alot of artisan shops, farmers markets, etc.); 2010 Winter Olympics Athletes’ Village (apparently it’s very cool and the city is all about showing it off to tourists); the harbour front is beautiful and would be a great place to go for an upscale lunch/dinner; downtown shopping district is really nice too (unfortunately I can’t remember any of the names of the streets!). Depending on how long you’re planning on being there for it might be worth it to look into heading over to Vancouver Island or Victoria for the day via ferry. Victoria is the capital of British Columbia and is a beautiful, quaint, quiet city with horse drawn carriages and the like :)

      Places to stay away from in Vancouver: do not, under any circumstances, go to the lower east side of Vancouver. I’m not sure what the dividing street is, but as long as you pay attention to your surroundings you should be able to stay clear of there. The lower east side is basically full of heroin/crack addicts and prostitutes–it is definitely not a safe place for a woman travelling alone (or anyone for that matter).

      If you’re heading to Vancouver, B.C. I hope you have a great time! (If not, you should plan a trip up there soon–it’s fantastic!)

      1. I am going to Vancouver B.C. and I’m superexcited! Thanks for the tips – I really can’t wait!

        1. Lived in Vancouver for 23 years (and now live in Victoria … we also have double-decker busses, in addition to the horse-drawn carriages … although I think we’d be surprised to hear the city called ‘quaint’ and might use ‘quiet’ more as an insult because the city’s nightlife is a bit truncated; but it’s certainly quite a safe and pretty city).

          Do avoid the Lower East Side, which is the area around East Hastings, near the water. There is a chance that you could accidentally stray into the LES by going to Gastown, which is a touristy/old buildings/clubbing district that’s quite close to the border of the LES, so keep an eye on that.

          The downtown shopping district is centred on Robson Street – it’s a pretty typical shopping strip, has the city’s Art Gallery and courthouse nearby as well as the big library which looks almost exactly like the Roman Colisseum… Robson intersects with Granville Street and Granville is a bit of a seedier/cooler district which saves itself from being a bit dangerous by how busy it generally is, at most hours of the day.

          Also downtown and really worth checking out is Stanley Park, a huge and beautiful park that’s almost completely surrounded by water and does a good job of showing off the seaside beauty and outdoorsiness that Vancouverites are proud of. You can walk around the Seawall that surrounds the park and then the path – it’s paved and very popular, good for people-watching – actually continues all the way along the coast of False Creek, the inlet that separates downtown Vancouver from the rest of the city, and around to the other side, passing Science World (that funny lit-up glass ball), the Olympic Athlete’s Village, and getting all the way around to Granville Island, which I second the recommendation for. You can also take little multi-coloured boats (the Aquabus) across from the downtown side of the inlet to Granville Island side for about $3, it’s a cheap way to enjoy a trip out on the water.

          Depending on where you are staying, and what you’re into, Vancouver’s more interesting neighbourhoods/strips are actually outside the downtown … Commercial, Cambie, and Main all have interesting strips that have very strong characters of their own – boutiques, thrift stores, restaurants, and Kitsilano is the waterfront gem of the neighbourhoods, lots of huge old tres, old houses, popular local beaches and great restaurants along either Broadway or W. 4th. Kitsilano is also probably the safest of the mentioned neighbourhoods, although if you’re on the main street of any of the others there shouldn’t be any trouble even late late at night.

          I’ve never had any particular issue with any of the taxi companies and you can flag them from the road if you want – you probably won’t have the hardest time doing so if you’re on, say, Robson St or the surrounding area – but it’s worth calling ahead because like any big city they’re pretty busy and if you stay outside too long in Vancouver you will absolutely be rained on.

          If you give a little info about what you’re into doing and food that you like eating (and what neighbourhood/area you’re staying in) I could give more detailed tips … when I travel by myself I’m particularly keen on walking a lot, architectural sights, and parks, so my tips are perhaps geared towards that …

          1. Thanks, everyone! This is all really helpful!

            As for where I’m staying, it’s near the Pacific Centre and walking a lot is how I like to spend my time, too. Foodwise I am pretty easy and will eat most things!

        2. The museum of anthropology at the University of British Columbia has a spectacular collection of First Nations items. It’s a pretty long bus or taxi ride (I’ve been twice – the bus was easy and the taxi ride expensive, so I’d go with the bus) but well worth it. As I recall you drive through the Kitsilano area to get there, so you’d see that en route.

          1. I agree! If you can get a tour, I’d recommend it as well. They’ll tell you some of the public-domain stories related to the artifacts and I found it really interesting to hear about the distinct styles used by different nations.

    3. If you’re into slightly quirky street food, the Japadog food carts are fun. They’re hotdogs with Japanese fusion toppings like kimchi or nori. It’s a little odd, but surprisingly good. There’s also Beard Papa, a small bakery that makes only cream puffs. They are amazing. I mostly have spent time around the Robson St/W Hastings area (very different from East Hastings/Lower East side), which is an awesome area to just browse and shop. It’s well lit late until the night, and I’ve never felt anything but safe wandering around by myself at 9 at night.

      On the off chance that you’re interested in perfume (my personal obsession), The Perfume Shoppe on West Hastings is a great little store, and stocks some perfumes that are available nowhere else in North America. The proprieter is amazing, if you talk to her about perfumes or notes you like or don’t like, she’ll start bringing recommendations out to you. I’ve found some great perfumes that way.

  29. My last pair of glasses were from Target: cute selection but el cheapo quality. I am looking for a recommendation on a good brands and where I can find them? I don’t want cheap glasses again. Thanks!

      1. Great question, for me it would be prescription glasses that I’d want to know about.

    2. For prescription I’ve had some Emporio Armani very simple thin wire glasses (in red). I’ve probably had them for 3 or more years … Which got me thinking I’m overdue to change the lenses..
      For sunglasses, I have a cute Miu Miu pair that looks like the rayban aviators but is bigger. Eventually, beyond a certain price point, most sunglasses are made the same way with same quality and you just end up paying a premium for the brand.

    3. Try Vogue (I don’t think it is the same as Vogue magazine, if that makes a difference). I have had multiple pairs from them (both clear and as sunglasses) — they are cute and more affordable than the Designer Name frames.

    4. I bought my first pair of high-end prescription glasses in 1996 and don’t recall the name. I bought my second pair in 2002 – yes that’s how long I kept them. The 2002 is the exact same pair as Sarah Palin wore in the campaign – UGH. My sunglasses are Calvin Klein, purchased in 2005. The frames are probably about $350, not including exam, lenses, etc. So now I can’t afford to update my Sarah Palin look! That’s not nice.

    5. Lenscrafters has a big selection of high end brands – chanel, tory burch, etc.

      I have a DKNY pair that I love and have held up well for 2 years now. I always thought you were just paying for the brand name, but after splurging on these (as part of an attempt to spend down an FSA from an old job), I realize the difference from my el cheapo glasses I had bought before and don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back.

    6. I have a smaller head, so a lot of the designer frames (Chanel, Fendi, Bulgari, etc) fall straight off my face if I bend my head down. My current awesome wire frames are Kliik, a Danish company that offers IMO modern shapes and judicious use of color. My sunglasses are Paul Frank, which look much more expensive, but were about $100. Both of these lines offer frames narrow enough for me, though they also offer lots of frames that aren’t – something for everyone! I also really liked S.A.L.T. frames and Tiffany frames, though the latter are fantastically overpriced.

      I really encourage you to at least consider an independent shop (not Lens Crafters/Site for Sore Eyes/whatever) – you will probably get much better service and a more thorough vision exam from more qualified doctors than at one of those eyeglass mills, and the small shops will often price match if you ask.

      1. Also, check your local Costco with optometry services. Costco often has great prices on designer frames, though selection can be on the small side and unpredictable (much like everything else at costco).

    7. I have two fabulous pairs of glasses that I wear almost every day. One pair is a rimless pair by Prada and the other is a heavier pair by Chanel. They are both very sturdy, very well made, and worth every penny I paid for them, especially since I wear them so much. Currently I am looking at adding one or two additional pairs- I am looking at another Chanel frame and one by Dior. I also recently saw a lovely pair by Gucci I was considering.

      I have had the best luck finding designer frames at smaller, independent opticians. I got my Prada pair from such a place, and my husband recently got a designer pair from a similar place. I got my Chanel pair in the UK where designer brands seem to be much more common at big eye stores (ala Lenscrafters). In the US, I find the designer selections at said bigger places to be very hit or miss and location dependent (for example, a local Lenscrafters I used to go to in Newport Beach, CA had a HUGE selection of designer frames, I imagine because the local crowd demanded it- the same was not true when I visited a Lenscrafters in suburban/rural-ish New Jersey).

      I would try to find an opticisn specializing in designer frames so you can try a few on. See what brands suit your face, see what makes/materials you like, etc. After having many cheapy pairs of glasses from Sears, etc., I will never go back to anything but designer frames because they are just so much sturdier, nicer, more durable (and everything else you can think of).

  30. I’ve had a pair of DKNY frames for the past 4 years. I got them at Lenscrafters. Every time I need to change the prescription I just have them put the new lenses in my old frames. I’ve had them tightened twice (just takes a few minutes at Lenscrafters and is free) and they’ve held up great.

  31. What height and style of pumps would you typically wear with a pencil or suit skirt? I’m having trouble finding the perfect pair, between pointed, rounded, almond toe, and 2 1/4 to 3 inch heels. What’s your go-to pair like?

    1. I’m a big fan of Mary Janes with pencil or suit skirt, but that’s just my personal preference. Round toe looks cute and still professional.

    2. My go-to pair is Ferragamo’s “Carla” heels in black – flattering to my legs and by far the most comfortable pair I’ve ever worn.

      I think the almond toe is classic (or less dramatic pointy toes), and actually just went through and purged my old heels collection of my square toes (late 90’s), super pointy (early 00’s) and super round (mid 00’s).

      Here is the pair-
      http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446214926&afsrc=1&site_refer=GGLBASE001&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=8017578461494

      1. Cole haan air Hana, about 2.25 inch heel. Almond toe, very comfortable. Air carma is similar.

  32. Thank you for your advice. I was heart-broken to read about the tsunami in Japan. Tsunami’s are so destructive. Is there a place where we can make contribution’s? I do not want to use my credit card on the Internet. I know there is a Japan Society in NYC. Will they accept contributions there? Or is there some other place where we can do something aside from watching CNN? I think a lot of people want to help in someway, maybe just to donate money or clothing.

    1. Text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10, it’s charged to your phone bill. You can donate up to $30 via text.

    2. I’d recommend donating through the Red Cross Japan if possible instead of the American Red Cross since Red Cross Japan is doing active work on the ground in the hardest hit regions. If you do a search for “Google Crisis Response Japan” you should be able to find the page that will let you donate. The downside is that you have to make a donation in yen rather than dollars. But for me, knowing that the donation was going directly to an organization that’s on the ground in Japan was worth the extra foreign currency charge.

      I know you said that you don’t want to just use your credit card on the internet, but so much of what is needed right now is basics like food, water, and blankets and without actually hopping on a plane and going over there to help money is probably the most useful resource right now.

      On a more personal note, my younger brother is stationed in Japan with the US Navy and was working on board a barge when the earthquake and tsunami hit. Fortunately, the area that he was working in didn’t suffer the same kind of damage that the areas further north did (he’s in a city nearby Tokyo). Although he and his friends and fellow sailors are alright, I know that he’s been deeply affected by seeing the devastation and suffering that has hit other areas of Japan. So thank you for wanting to make a contribution. It is most definitely appreciated by the people displaced by these disasters and the folks who are trying to help them.

    3. I also was wondering what the best way to help was and checked the website of the Japanese consulate in NYC (where I live). They referred people to the Red Cross and the Japan Society and one other organization. I think I am going to donate to the Japan Society because they said that 100% of all donations will go to relief efforts, whereas Red Cross has overhead plus they reserve the right to use your donation for other of their worthy causes in the event that donations outstrip demand. You can send a check to the Japan Society (they will also take an online donation but you said you didn’t want to use your credit card online).

      I simply cannot fathom the extent of the devastation. In addition to the thousands of lives lost and the billions of dollars of damage, the radiation concerns are absolutely terrifying.

    4. Thanks for your concern, every little bit helps. I live in Tokyo and it is pretty frightening at the moment.

      1. Dear tra la la,

        My heart goes out to you and everyone there. In addition to donating to the relief efforts, I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

        1. Me too. I spent some time in Japan and it is such an amazing and beautiful country. My heart hurts for everyone in Japan right now.

    5. I work for a Japanese company. Head office is recommending the Red Cross for donations.

      HTH.

  33. I normally wear contact lenses but have developed an eye condition where I will be stuck w/ my glasses for a couple months. I typically wear a decent amount of make up (concealer, eyeliner, shadow, mascara) when I wear contacts. I used to skip it if I was wearing glasses b/c usually wearing glasses meant I was having a rushed morning or bad day. Now I don’t want to look like I just rolled out of bed for a couple months.

    Do those of you who wear glasses wear the same make up you would without them? Any make up tips for eyes for lasses in glasses? Thanks!

    1. Glasses serve to really highlight your eyes so use them to highlight beautiful eye makeup! Use eyeliner and mascara on the top and bottom of your eyes and add a nice shade of neutral eyeshadow. Go light on the rest of your makeup, perhaps a “my lips but better” shade of lipstick and light application of pink or peach blush. Perfect.

    2. I think it also depends on the kind of frames you have. I do wear eye makeup in my frames, but no much (eyeliner and mascara, no shadow) because my frames are dark and eye-catching on their own. I typically will go with a stronger lip to balance it out (not particularly wild, but more than a “your lips but better” than F suggests). But again, that is because my glasses are pretty rockin’ and too much eye makeup would be overkill. If you wear the Palin-esque disappearing frames that someone above referenced, stronger eye makeup seems totally appropriate.

      1. I second NB – when I had thin wire-frame glasses, I used a bit more eye makeup than normal – liner on both top and bottom lids to emphasize my eyes through the lenses. When I got a dark tortoiseshell plastic pair, I started using less (although still neutral eyeshadow, slate eyeliner on the top lid and mascara) – the frames themselves serve as eye definition.

    3. I wear glasses most days, and find my eyes stand out more beneath the glasses if I wear eyeliner (along with my usual shadow and mascara). Other than that, I have no specific makeup advice. I do go to a lot of effort to make sure my glasses complement my face, but if you’ll only be in glasses for a couple of weeks it’s not a big deal.

    4. I usually wear glasses, but occasionally wear contacts. I’ve found that glasses draw attention away from my eyes (my eyes look way bigger when I’m not wearing them). I find that they hide bags and shadows under my eyes, so concealer is less of a requirement. I also find that I need to wear more eye shadow/liner/etc to get a noticeable effect with glasses. I was a bit surprised the first time I put makeup with contacts on, and had to scale back my eyeshadow usage.

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