Weekend Open Thread

321 Comments

1. I need some (non) relationship advice, and I really can’t think of who else to ask.

   A year ago I broke up with my boyfriend. We had been dating for almost three years. At the time I just followed his lead about keeping in touch, being friends on Facebook, etc mostly out of guilt over breaking his heart. He wanted to stay friends and seemed hurt that I even brought up the idea of cutting contact, so we have. At first it was fine, we didn’t interact much, then last summer he started trying to talk to me CONSTANTLY. Like, two or three emails or messages on Facebook or MSN a day. He also frequently emailed my sister, who he kind of knows but not well, annoying her. It wasn’t creepy or stalkery, it was just like he forgot that we weren’t still dating or something. Ignoring him didn’t seem to help. I eventually told him it was too much, and that he was pissing off me and my sister. He said it was “just a phase” he was going through and backed off a lot.

   Now, he’s started doing it again. Not quite as much, but more days than not he sends me something. I ignore most of his attempts to contact me, hoping he’ll get the message, but no go. Again, he doesn’t seem stalkery, just like he thinks we’re the bestest of friends.

   I really don’t like conflict, so part of me just wants to ignore it and assume he’ll give up eventually. I just can’t think of a way to tell him “I’m blocking you from every communications method I can think of because your neediness is overwhelming” without being a complete bitch.

   1. It’s hard to respond without prying more into your relationship. You were together for 3 years so I assume you had feelings for him and vice versa before you broke up. 3 emails a day is a bit much but do you have to cut him out of your life completely and instantly? Even if youre not destined to be together I’d think that it would be hard to just let go immediately after years together. Perhaps try to ween him off. Send him a short response once a week including that you’re busy and cluing him in that you’ve moved on. Then make the emails less frequent.

      1. I meant to add that if the breakup was caused by some hurtful action on his part, e.g. he cheated on you with your best friend, then feel free to tell him to pound sand.

         1. Oh, it wasn’t anything like that. He was just completely unreliable (wouldn’t clean, didn’t take care of any grown-up type things, was in bankruptcy when I met him because he racked up debt deciding to up and move to Germany without a job or a work visa, let my fish die when I was out of town because he ran out of fish food and “never got around” to going to the pet store). I eventually got tired of parenting him and broke up.

            I feel like I’ve tried every less absolute way of dealing with it. For a while I was replying once a week, now I don’t even do that, and it doesn’t seem to be helping. The only other thing I can think of to do is to actually tell him “you may only contact me once a week” and that’s just getting weird. Besides, we’ve been broken up for a year, over a third of the time we were going out for. I guess I just feel like I’ve given him enough time to deal with the breakup.

   2. I’m a big fan of directness because some people just don’t get the indirect approach. Does he have any news to report each time he emails you or is he just sending you random texts/emails that have nothing to do with anything? Just tell him that you’re feeling overwhelmed and don’t really have the time at this point to be able to respond to his frequent communications, especially if he has no news to report. Do you know if there is anything else going on his life that could have caused this renewed sense of clinginess? It just seems like it’s been a year now and he should be trying to move on.

      1. Being direct is the best (and ultimately kindest) way to get him to move on. Given what you said in the past and if you meant it, than you need to stick with it and remind him. Continuing to respond only gives mixed messages.

         Sometimes people truly can’t be friends afterward. If he’s having too difficult of a time letting go, then he falls in that category.

         Besides, you need to nip this now before you’ve got someone new in the picture who isn’t going to understand why this person is writing you all the time and calling family, etc. It’s not leaving you to move on very well either.

      2. Most of the time he contacts me it’s to send me unimportant links of the “here’s a cat riding on a tortoise!” or “here’s a knitting pattern for a Dr. Who scarf!” (a lot of them are related to my interests, but not at all to any of his, so I don’t even know where he finds these things).

         I’m not really sure why he’s started up again. Before, he was unemployed and living with his father in a town he hated so I could understand it, but he’s recently moved back to the town we were living in before where he has a lot of friends, a job he likes, and seems to be doing well. I doubt he’s trying to get back together, because he asked me last summer and I pretty firmly told him that there was no chance of that happening.

         1. He is clearly not over you, and has not moved on. He is living in a dreamworld that somehow you will return to him. If you are not interested in rekindling this relationship, you have to be firm and tell him you have moved on and are not interested. You must be tough and drop him once and for all. Good luck!!!!!

         2. Some people think they still have a chance no matter how many times you tell them they do not. That seems like it could be a likely scenario in this case since the links he’s sending do not seem to be anything he’d find without making an effort. Just tell him you’d prefer it if he did not send you those links at all anymore and keep the emails about what’s going on in his life to once a week/month or whatever time frame works for you. If necessary, remind him that you are not ever going to get back together.

   3. Don’t go straight to the “I’m block you because” speech, but being direct is critical, as others have stated. Just tell him you are uncomfortable with the contact and ask him to stop, and be explicit about how much contact you want (whether it is once a week, once a year, or never). He’s a grown man and should be able to handle the direct approach. If it continues, you can tell him, “I am blocking you and do not want any further contact from you” without guilt. A year is more than enough time to move on.

      1. I agree with this. Just write him something like, “You may not like this, but you need to stop contacting me. We split up more than a year ago. Please stop. I wish you well.”

         Then, if he sends more emails/whatever, you can escalate to blocking.

2. Ok stylish ladies– here’s a travel question for you. I’m going to be traveling to Italy in a couple of months and am starting to pull everything together for the trip. We’re going to be going to Tuscany for about a week and then into Florence for a couple of nights. My question for you has to do with day bags. My preference is to do a crossbody type bag so I have a bit more security but can also keep my hands free. I want a bag that will be big enough to carry money, camera, book, maybe bottle of water and any purchases for the day.

   I don’t want to look too touristy, and for reference I’m quickly approaching my later 30s.

   Here are some of my ideas and would like your feedback!

   1) http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Womens-Accessories/Bags/AM143/Womens-Peony-Satchel.html?NavGroupID=1

   2) http://www.colehaan.com/colehaan/catalog/product.jsp?catId=100&productId=378583&productGroup=378585

   3) http://www.bagshop.com/store/mcart.php?ID=2622
   Thinking either navy or black.

   thanks!

   1. I like the Boden one best. Very fun. I usually like simple bags, but the other two are a little too plain for my taste.

      Envious of your trip. Enjoy!

   2. A cross body is a great idea. I did this and carried everything you mentioned plus a light sweater and tied my scarf around the strap when I warmed up. Definitely count on bringing bottled water with you – hydration is key! The bags that you linked to all look like a pretty good size. Bear in mind, the con of having a handy dandy carryall is that you can become the designated sherpa for all things that need carrying. Thankfully, my SO was ok with carrying my messenger bag (despite the fact that it was a cheerful, girly green color) so I wasn’t always the beast of burden. :)

   3. Cross-body bags have their drawbacks. They scream tourist and if someone is going to rob you, trust me that the cross-body is not going to help. From what I’ve seen, pickpockets will unzip your bag and just take something out that way. Just keep the zip toward the front so it’s visible to you at all times. I knew someone who was planning on traveling around the world for a year but it was cut short when someone tried to snatch her cross-body bag from a moving vehicle. It dragged her along the ground for 10-20 feet, knocked out several of her teeth, and she had to be hospitalized.

      If you’re really worried about your money and passport, you can keep it in a safe or get a money belt.

      1. I don’t know, a cross-body bag WILL help with one type of theft that is quite common in Italy. People drive by on scooters and grab your purse off your sholder. The cross-body bag prevents this.

         But I will agree that nothing is better then vigilance about your surroundings and leaving valuables in the hotel safe.

         Have fun!

         1. Your bag may not get stolen, but you can get seriously injured if the person trying to steal your bag does not let go. It happened to one of my friends, so it’s something to consider. What’s more important- your purse or your health?

      2. Agreed re a money belt. I will note, after using one for 2 weeks backpacking Europe, that they can get uncomfortable and shift while walking around town. Also, with many women’s clothes (especially form fitting ones), you can see the outline of the belt.

   4. IMO, shoes, photography and map/guidebook consultation have much more ability to make you look touristy than bags do (unless, of course, your “bag” is one of those things that allows your passport to hang around your neck :).

      Honestly, I think cross body bags are unnecessary. If you want one and will use it for other things, great, and you have some lovely options! Keep in mind that some pickpockets will use razors, so they can either slice a cross-body strap or slice open the bottom of a bag.

      I’ve shifted toward using my purses (one very similar in style to this, in fact: http://www.hobobags.com/Paulette/pd/np/386/p/1429.html) because I feel less conspicuous. This bag fits water, a book, a camera, and a few other things. You could bring a compressible reusable bag if you think you’ll be doing lots of shopping.

      In general when I’m traveling, I make sure that my purse is on the shoulder furthest from the street (so no one can come by on a motorcycle and grab it) and split up my money, keeping a good portion of it in an internal, zippered pocket. My thought is that that makes it at least a little harder for someone to pickpocket me, since they have to get through two zippers, not one. I hold on to the zipper pull when I’m walking around so that my bag is harder to unzip without me knowing. So far, I’ve never had any problems.

      Sounds like a fabulous trip–have a wonderful time!

      1. Thanks Ladies!

   5. I really like the Boden one, but that seems the most touristy to me, if that is your concern. I had no problems in Italy (other than the amount of money spent on new beautiful purses). Just be aware when you’re at touristy sites to not get lost in whatever you’re looking at and always pay attention to your surroundings.

   6. I’d go with the Cole Haan. The Boden one is fun, but it is going to stick out and not work with as many outfits as the more plain but very useful CH one. The Longchamp one looks a little frumpy to me for some reason. I used a cross-body bag when traveling through Spain and it worked out great. Kept it in front when in crowds, had no worries and hands-free was nice. I was there in April, used a cardigan or scarf for daytime, tied it to the bag when it got warm. Worked out great. Probably did look touristy, but whatever. Also wore my MBTs so that I could walk all day without feeling like I’d been beaten, so really there was no hope for not looking touristy. Even so, everyone was super friendly and I had a great time! Hope you have a great trip!

      1. I second Cole Haan…it looks most like what people in Europe tend to wear. Have fun!!

         1. I went to Italy a few months ago and decided to use the purse that I already had. However, I had one that would fit a bottle of water, a map, a small camera and a small wallet. In my opinion you could pick out many of the tourists because of the type of bag they were carrying. Why not save your money for a new bag while in Italy?

            1. I just have to say, having traveled many places in the world, it’s hard to avoid “looking like a tourist” because let’s face it – you are one. I was extremely conscious about this when I went to Europe – tried to pick more neutral clothes and accessories so I wouldn’t “look like a tourist” – and then it turned out it didn’t matter, people could tell I was American before I opened my mouth. I have medium skin, blond hair and blue eyes and didn’t see many other people – especially in Italy – who looked like me, who were Italian. In Asia, of course, the difference is even more pronounced, given that I’m not Asian. I wouldn’t worry too much about picking a bag that “makes you look like a tourist.” People can usually tell anyway. When we were in Spain, my husband speaks fluent Castilian Spanish, but he also looks like a corn-fed Midwestern ex-linebacker. We would walk in places and as he would open his mouth, people would say “American?” and then speak to us in English. Unless you really blend in with the people around you looks-wise – and then, even if you do – people will be able to pick you out as a non-native. Hell, I am able to do that with people who aren’t from my home city. :)

   7. I don’t particulary love any of these. The Boden one is cute but would be hard to coordinate with outfits. I love cross body bags for travel; it’s nice to have your hands free. The one I have is more like this: http://www.zappos.com/fossil-sasha-crossbody-black

3. Has anyone used GL Advisors for help with student loan repayment? I signed up with them (mostly because my state has grant money available, so it’s free). Any good/bad experiences?

4. Does anyone have any recommendations for a skin toner?

5. I hope I’m not too late but I have an etiquette question:
   I’m in grad school and looking for a trainee/intern position starting August/September in public affairs/lobbying. Last Friday my school organised a fair with organisations and companies offering places, although no specifics were given.
   The fair went well for me, several of the people I spoke to asked for my CV but there were probably close to 100 students there and I had kept my CV quite broad because there were a wide range of companies there.

   Do I sent a follow up note to everyone I spoke to and gave me their business cards? Or just to the one who were very promising and those who asked for a follow-up?

   1. I’d send a note to each person you met that was at a company you were interested in asking for a follow-up. Within reason, the shotgun approach works best–you never know who else you may have made a great impression on. FWIW, don’t get discouraged if you only get a few responses back from the recruiters–they will get a lot of emails this week.

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