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We all know I love a good strappy flat… and I am absolutely drooling over this pair from Stuart Weitzman.
They just look so sleek and polished, while also comfortable AND cool, somehow? It is really hard to get all of those descriptors into one shoe, but I think they've done it.
The shoe is available in “rosewood” (pictured) and a beige patent with black captoe, in sizes 3.5-13, widths N, M, and W. They're $450 at Stuart Weitzman and Neiman Marcus.
(These Franco Sarto Mary Jane flats are a pretty good dupe, but they're down to lucky sizes.)
Stylish strappy flats can be hard to find! As of 2024, these are some of our favorites — also, in general, check J.Crew, Boden, and Valentino (on the pricier side, obviously). Nordstrom also has a surprisingly large selection!
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Horse Crazy
Looking for recommendations for the San Juan Islands – restaurants, hikes, anything else we can’t miss. We’re going in Sept for 4 days, staying on Orcas Island, will have a car, definitely planning on going to San Juan Island at least once. I already booked a whale watching trip.
*I may have posted this before but can’t find it.
Cat
https://corporette.com/weekend-open-thread-645/#comment-4524078
Horse Crazy
Haha thanks!
BelleRose
If the weather is at all nice, drive to top of Mt. Constitution on Orcas! Gorgeous views of the sound! You can hike it, but it’s mostly just switchbacks, so would recommend Mountain Lake hike or Turtleback Mtn as better hikes. Where are you staying?
Definitely whale watching! The different companies do a great job communicating with each other about where the whales are and the captains are very knowledgeable.
Those would be the only can’t-miss things, but most of the fun is just enjoying nature and wandering through the towns. Friday Harbor and Roche Harbor on San Juan are both fun to wander through.
Also not sure if you know this or not, but you 1000% want to get your ferry reservations to & from Anacortes asap. Reservation slots open at 7am PST 2 months (too late for you), 2 weeks, and 2 days before, and it’s a similar experience to getting concert tickets (all slots are gone by 7:02). They do have standby spots, but very few, and you might have to wait for several ferries before you can get on.
Anon
Not that long ago, I posted asking for baby name recommendations (specifically asked Seafinch to weigh in on European names) and the search isn’t working the way it usually does – I can’t find any of the key terms I know I used. Any chance anyone else who is expecting saved that thread??
Anon
I found it!
https://corporette.com/classic-crewneck-t-shirt/
Anon
Thank you!!
Seafinch
I am also part of a private baby naming spin off group from Nameberry that’s about 15 years old. We brainstorm and consult for people and if you post an email, I can ask the group for their thoughts.
Anon
Any interior design experts here who can help me with art sizing? Our dining room has only one solid wall, which is ~12 feet wide and 5.5′ tall (above the wainscoting) and we’re looking for a piece(s) of art for that wall. No other art in the dining room currently, but there isn’t much wall space (massive window on one wall and the other two walls are open to the kitchen and entryway). The internet is saying the art needs to be at least 50% of the dimension of the wall, so approximately 6′ x 3′ — that seems huge to me! I found two pieces of art I love that are each 2′ x 2′, so if I hung them side by side it would be about 4.5′ x 2′ (assuming 6 inches spacing between). Is this going to look comically small on the wall?
Anon
Are the art pieces framed? That should add another 2-3 inches per side with the matting. But yes, undersized art is one of the easiest ways to have a room look ‘off’ so I agree on going for larger pieces.
Anon
They’re canvases so no there wouldn’t be framing.
calico
Yes, two 2’x2′ pieces will not suit that wall. To help yourself visualize things as you’re shopping, you can put painter’s tape on the wall that corresponds with the sizes and placements of pieces of art you’re considering.
Anon
Agree with all of this. Too small. Painters tape may help visualize things prior to hanging.
Nudibranch
Another thing you can try is trace around the art works on butcher paper or newspaper, cut out, and tape paper shapes on wall in intended position. You should be able to see right away if they look undersized/wrong.
BTW, this is also a good way to figure out groupings of items. In that case, you can just trace around items on the butcher paper and hang it up to see how it looks, and then adjust until it works.
Anon
If you really like the 2×2 pieces, could you hang them on one end of the big empty wall and put something tall (china cabinet, grandfather clock, console-height table with a sculpture or large plant, etc.) to fill in the other side?
Anon
Great idea – putting them on either side of a console table would be very pretty and classic!
https://www.homesandgardens.com/advice/how-to-style-a-console-table
Anon
Unfortunately the room has a very large dining table that ends only maybe 1.5-2 feet from the wall so I think a console table wouldn’t really fit and would look weird. I appreciate the thought though!
Anon
You rather buried the lede here.
Given the table situation, your entire room proportions are going to be very non-standard so I don’t think your artwork is what will throw things off. Having a table that goes as close as 18”-24” against the long wall means you need to either bolt your artwork to the wall so it doesn’t get knocked askew as people sidle around the table, or just abandon the artwork until you can find a more appropriately sized table for your room.
Anon
Funny you ask that as I’m looking at the art over the mantel in my dining room. I wouldn’t get one big piece. I have three pieces that are a series & together with spacing between them they take up about 50% of the wall vertically and horizontally, as someone else suggested. I sort of lucked into that proportion because this is the art I fell in love with (I know the artist.)
Nesprin
Add 2-3 more 2×2′ pieces and you could do an awesome gallery wall.
Anon
Going off some comments about the “village” in this morning’s post – what are some things you do for your village? And what do you rely on your village for?
Anon
My village is dispersed all over the US & in one case Europe. I keep in touch, by which I mean regular contact, not an annual Christmas card. At this point I don’t usually need physical help from anyone, but we all lean on each other for genuine advice, commiseration, sympathy, and celebrating each others’ good news.
Anonymous
I don’t have a village, I have neighbours I swap cat sitting with and that’s about it. My family and I are pretty self sufficient.
Anon
My friends live all over, so with my long distance friends I’m really good at keeping in touch. Many people have told me they admire my ability to do this. I mostly text, occasionally call or FT or visit. I also send flowers or food gifts to friends for milestones or who are going through a tough time (bad breakup, death of a parent). I also organize my college friend secret Santa and book club – both of which are remote because we’re dispersed.
Locally, I’m usually the friend who gets the text asking for last minute drinks or dinner (I’m a SINK) after a hard day and I do my best to be available.
Being a SINK who lives alone, friends are good about offering to help out when I’m sick or need a medical procedure – had to have a very minor procedure under anesthesia last year and FOUR friends offered to drive me! But, I live near family so my mom took me. Likewise, when I’m sick they always offer to grab me groceries or medicine, which is kind, but I don’t take them up on it because I just use Instacart. I’m very independent and have a hard time asking for or accepting help.
Anon
I don’t have a village that does anything beyond send me memes and gossip about people we knew in college or high school. I would love one, but we all live far apart, so, like, coming over to clean the house pre-baby or whatever is just not an option.
Anon
For friends who are further away, I do more virtual help if I can. Like sending an Uber Eats or a Starbucks gift card to them electronically.
Anon
Oh yeah, we do that stuff, but none of us need financial help, so it’s not actually that useful.
Anon
I love this question. My entire village is found family (I’m an only child and my parents and grandparents have passed away and single without kids). I have friends in my community and in far-flung states. We all do a lot for each other–give rides to the airport or medical appointments when needed, petsit, get each other’s mail, provide emotional support, celebrate milestones, get food for each other during hard times, get groceries for each other if needed, deliver/send gifts just because, exchange memes and texts, and generally spend time together. I am regularly providing and receiving favors from certain friends, and never with others BUT even with those people, I could call them if I really needed something. I will do these things for just about anyone in my circle I care about, not just friends I met long ago.
This is all stuff you could pay someone to do, but we genuinely enjoy helping each other. I think community is so so so important and do all I can to foster that. 90% of friendship is showing up for good and bad with an open heart.
Anon
This is such a lovely post and I’m so happy you have such an awesome found family.
Anon
For me this most often shows up in cat sitting and rides to the airport. Both giving and receiving. Also going to things I’m invited to even when I feel like I’d rather be at home in bed. And showing up/offering proactive help when something happens to a friend. For example, instead of “let me know how I can help” I’ll ask “can I go grab you food right now”.
BelleRose
We have a friend group that meets every Tuesday night. Began as a Bible study group (where I met my husband 9 years ago), now Bible study/ fellowship/ life group. All professionals in 30s, no kids yet, lots of dogs. We help each other out as much as we can: friend’s mom was on hospice and we brought meals, networking each other’s contacts when people were laid off, swapping tools/ supplies for landscaping and hosting. We also can call on each other for other help: my dog needed to go to the emergency vet 20 min drive away, but my husband had the car a few hours away. I called a friend who was able to drop everything and give a ride (dog was fine after treatment!). Lots of dog sitting for each other, and also just being able to talk through and process our lives. Honestly, this friend group is a huge reason we want to stay where we live now.
Anon
This is our group ( including the Tues nights!) , except we all have little kids so we also swap babysitting. Friends parent was in and out of the hospital so they dropped their kid at our house for a few hours to play and have dinner a couple different days.
Drop off food, check on houses/pets when out of town, airport rides, share tools/help with projects, workout together. Really helps that several of us live within 10 min.
Makes life so much richer!
Of Counsel
i have more than one and I lean on them for different types of support (and provide different types of support in return).
I live on a cul-de-sac in the suburbs and there is a group of women who have lived here for years (and we are pretty good about folding in new people who want to be included). So if kid#1 fell and broke their arm, a neighbor would take kid#2 while the parents took the injured on to the ER. If someone has the flu (me!), rides to school or events are accepted and provided. When one mom with two elementary age kids had cancer, the rest of us set up a meal train and other help. When one person fell down the stairs and broke her ankle, we all rallied round to offer practical assistance. Not all of them are “friends” but we are all part of a community.
I am also an active church member and again they may not all be friends but these are people who would (and did) come mow my lawn and do my shopping and bring me meals. And again I do the same for them. They have gathered to mourn with me and have celebrated with me and I have done the same with and for them.
A village in my view is not the same as “friends”. In some cases they are people with whom I do not have much in common. But we signed on to the social compact that no one is an island and we rise or fall together.
Turtlemania
My friend-village and I trade off babysitting, invite each other for vists/host in various vacation destinations, cook meals and send home extras, bring each other surplus from our gardens, and provide general emotional support. My neighbor-village trades off pet sitting, watch out for my kids in a general sense, and just today I got an extra carrot from my next door neighbor on the middle of cooking a recipe (I will definitely show up at your door asking for a cup of sugar). I’ll bring her muffins this weekend as a thank you.
Anonymous
Having sinus issues which basically just feels like facial heaviness, but recently I end up getting a headache esp after staring at screens which I need to do all day for work. Sinus issues for me seem to come on with weather – higher humidity, days where it needs to storm but somehow isn’t. Doesn’t seem like a doctor issue especially since it tends to improve when the weather breaks. But here in the SEUS the weather isn’t going to break for another month or more. Any ideas of what to do?
Abandon
Have you tried over-the-counter meds for sinuses? Like for sinus headaches, congestion, or even allergies?
anon
+1
Have you tried some over the counter anti-histamines?
Have you checked your eyes to be sure your prescription is correct?
Can you take more breaks from staring at screens? Eg. stare across the room every 30-60′ or get up and have a brief walk.
Hydrate well, taking the occasional tylenol is ok too.
Anonymous
Would just chime in to take the anithistamines on days even when the weather is better and you feel better–that can help get ahead of things.
Elevate your pillow and try to clean or eliminate sources of in-home allergens like dusty rugs or drapes (even if you’re not allergic can add to irritation).
Warm facial compresses and massage.
BelleRose
Continuous use of a nasal steroid spray like Flonase (fluticasone) is a game changer for sinus issues!
Anon
I was gonna mention that would be the first thing your doc would suggest.
Anon
Still see an ENT. You may need allergy shots, especially if you have a mold allergy.
Anonymous
you might try an icy eye mask or face mask, or even an icy gua sha — i feel like if it’s inflammation then ice will help. keep something to open your sinuses with smell nearby also?
would blue light glasses help? i’ve never heard of that being connected to sinuses but it might help the headaches?
Anonymous
I’ll throw out that you might want to take a Covid test as well. It is rampant right now and congestion is one of my main symptoms at the moment.
CC
This is a main symptom of dairy intolerance. I hope I’m wrong! But I’d try a dairy challenge where you go dairy- free for 3 weeks, then see what happens when you start eating dairy again.
Elder Parent Financial Support
I need advice.
My dad is 77. He is medically fragile, and has been “near death” my entire life (I am 40). During COVID, I bought a gorgeous home for him and my mom to live in. She died there 2 years ago.
My dad has started doing a lot of weird stuff to the house that frankly is ugly and will take a lot of time and money to unwind one day (like building an outbuilding that is obviously a hack DIY job). He is also spending down his nest egg on stuff like boats and extra vehicles (most recently a large camper). There are construction materials and piles of dirt sitting in the yard, some of which has been there for years now. Under various tarps and such. If I offer to pay someone to spread the dirt/build the whatever he gets angry and defensive. The subject of downsizing also makes him angry and defensive.
I have made MANY personal sacrifices so they/he can live in a house that is far bigger and more comfortable than mine. Including turning down amazing jobs to stay close, to say nothing of the massive financial subsidies. I do not regret this. But I am realizing that at this rate I might turn 50 and still be living in a modest 1 bedroom with IKEA furniture while he lives in luxury and blows his funds on future liabilities for me (in terms of time and money). Or suffers a medical setback that requires $$$ and I will be on the hook as I always am.
I have spoken to my brothers and their attitude is that I signed up for this – in perpetuity – when I bought the house for mom and dad. I feel like I might lose my brothers if I try to enforce any boundaries with my dad.
Am I stuck in this indefinitely? I know I still live an objectively lovely life, even with my modest lifestyle. It feels selfish to ask for more balance.
Anonymous
Can I ask why you bought your parents a house? Seems like it was an individual purchase by you, not something from you and the brothers?
Elder Parent Financial Support
They needed a place to go? If I hadn’t bought them a home, my mom would have probably died of COVID in her memory care home under lockdown.
Yes, individual purchase. I know how lucky I was to do it. What is money for if not to protect your loved ones? It seemed like life and death since my folks were/are both so vulnerable.
Anon
I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the finances here. So your parents needed you to buy them a house, and you had the money to buy them a nice house, even though you live in a modest 1BR with Ikea furniture. And your father, who could not afford his own housing, is subsidized by you but has money to blow on campers and boats? Make it make sense.
Elder Parent Financial Support
Plenty of people live below their means and I am one of those. I have done this my entire life in part because my parents were not good money managers. I figured out at a young age that I had to make money, because someone had to.
Boat money and camper money are not house money. He doesn’t have enough to buy a home. He might have enough for a moderate rental, but of course that means his housing costs are not fixed anymore and it will be a parade of rental increases and downsizing and moving chaos for the rest of his life.
Anon
If I bought my parents a house they would be using the boat money and camper money to pay me rent…
Anon
“I figured out at a young age that I had to make money, because someone had to”.
It’s great that you’re able and willing to support your family, but you don’t HAVE to. It’s not your responsibility to house your parents, find them housing that will fit your late mother’s medical needs, and do all of this while your brother don’t contribute.
You can help your dad, which is a kind thing to do, without lighting yourself on fire to keep him warm. An example of that would be buying a condo and downsizing him there, with him paying you rent.
Anonymous
Living below your means is not the same thing as being a good money manager. Purchasing a house too large for someone to take care of properly in terms of their mental and physical health is not good money management. You referenced an earlier property that was ‘workable’ but not preferred. They should have stayed there.
Boat money plus camper money is downpayment money on a modest home. Or at least enough savings to rent and be a bit insulated against rental increases. Plenty of seniors rent.
Anon
Move into his house and he can trash somewhere else.
Don’t ever ask for advice from people who benefit but don’t pay (eg your brother, here).
Anon
That is good advice in general.
Anonymous
Did you buy him the house outright or are you paying the mortgage on it? If it’s in your name and you’re paying the mortgage, I think it’s fine to say that you can’t afford it anymore. Blame high interest rates and sell. Maybe buy him something smaller like a condo with a yard if you’re feeling generous.
If you gifted it outright, this is what gifting involves whether it is child to parent or parent to child. You can’t control what someone does after you give it to them. In that case, you need to let go and move on. Maybe explore some of those job offers.
Elder Parent Financial Support
The home is mine with a mortgage. I fully intended to move there myself when my parents no longer needed it, and still do. High interest rates do not impact me, since I have a fixed mortgage. If I sold, I could never afford something half as nice for myself.
My dad would absolutely refuse a condo, and his possessions would never fit. He complains about not having 10 acres and/or more space. And uses that to justify buying the large boats/campers/etc.
Anonymous
I suggested you blame high interest rates as a white lie to your dad as to why you need to sell in order to get him out.
There isn’t going to be a way to get him to stop or move out without the authorities intervening unless you sell the house. He is not acting reasonably and it sounds like dementia and/or hoarding to cope with the loss of your mom.
The property will continue to deprecate if you allow him to live there. I suggest using the proceeds of the sale for a small paid off condo in his name if he is interested in that so that the condo board can deal with him. If he is not interested, he can move his camper to a mobile home park.
You need to let go of the idea that he will change or that this will magically get better. Find a therapist for yourself who specializes in elder care issues to support you.
Elder Parent Financial Support
The house and the fixed mortgage are my only real long-term security in life. I am single with no safety net. I am not selling it. I love it there, which is why I bought it.
And my family is smart; they know I have a fixed 30-year mortgage. There is no lying otherwise.
Anon
Your family sounds at the very least manipulative and potentially abusive.
Anonymous
Where do you live? I have never heard of a mortgage with a rate fixed for 30 years.
The house is a long term liability not security until it is paid off. He can cause sufficient damage such that it is a net loss.
A
This
Anon
Not the OP, but for Anon at 3:57, 30-year fixed rate mortgages are extremely common in the US. I assume that’s where OP is, but I’m not sure. I have one as well (in the US)
Anon
A 30 year fixed rate mortgage is the standard in the US
Anon
Uhhhh most of us have 30 year fixed rate mortgages. That the standard mortgage in the US. I don’t know where you’re getting your information, 3:57.
Anonymous
Thanks! I had no idea. In Canada where mortgages often have a 20,25,30 year term but the rates are usually only fixed for between 5 and 10 years then the mortgage renews. A 25 year fixed rate is possible but those are crazy expensive.
Anonymous
Given what you’ve described, you’re kind of doing what your dad is doing. He has sunk his money into poor investments and you have done the same.
Anon
Um, too bad? Look I love and like my parents and would do a lot to have them be happy in their last years, but this seems unwise. Your dad can move to a condo or he can buy his own d@mn house.
Anon
“My dad would absolutely refuse a condo.”
If it’s that or being out on the streets, I guarantee he will take the condo. If he refuses it, he can find his own housing.
Anon
I’m really sorry. Whose name is on the deed? If there’s a mortgage, whose name is on that? Did they make any financial contributions at the time of purchase, and is he paying rent now?
It sounds like you need both a lawyer and a therapist in your corner. There are paths forward, but I think this issue is more complicated than this board can really provide detailed help with. You have my empathy, and I am so very confident you will be able to work your way through this eventually if you talk to some experts who can advise on the legal, financial, and emotional quagmire this presents.
Anon
Girlfriend, this is textbook dementia. Doing weird things that are out of the person’s norm and then reacting angrily and defensively are the definition precisely because the person knows they’re doing weird things and are scared of it and what it means for their future, so they lash out at people who see it.
I also bought my mom a house (and she pays me rent that’s almost 50% of the mortgage), but it’s always been very clear that this is mine (only child) after she passes because of everything I’ve put into it. I’d sit down with Dad and tell him to straighten up or you’re moving him into a senior apartment, no excuses. Parents who make decisions that necessitate adult children’s involvement in their finances don’t get to be adults and make all their own decisions anymore.
Anonymous
I complete agree, this sounds like early dementia. You should have him evaluated by his PCP with at least a MoCA
Seventh Sister
I think at some level you have to view some of the value of the house as a sunk cost. My in-laws (and to a lesser extent my parents) have done things to their houses that were $$$$ but aren’t necessarily going to add value to the house and in one instance (the unvented metalwork studio) will probably have to be remediated before the house can be sold. If I was in your shoes, I’d keep records of what you spend to maintain the house or get it ready for sale so your siblings aren’t assuming you’ll get an equal share.
In terms of downsizing, I feel like I have to accept that there is going to be a level of waste. My in-laws are going to set their kitchen on fire, fall down the steps, get in a car crash, etc., etc., and then there will be a mad rush to the rehab place, assisted living, whatever. But they won’t make plans that would help their kids and family before a crisis occurs. It sucks but they’ve always been this way and they aren’t changing in their 80s.
Anon
Why did you buy your parents a large luxurious home instead of something modest and workable for them AND yourself so that you wouldn’t struggle so much? Tbh, oldest/only girl syndrome struck you hard and you’re giving things that weren’t asked for and far more than you can afford.
Elder Parent Financial Support
I did buy something modest and workable and all he did was complain. When interest rates dropped, I was able to upgrade them. The upgrade was my own decision, but again it really did feel like life and death if I didn’t. There aren’t many “modest” homes that work for a wheelchair-bound person in our area. I had to go bigger to find ADA features and main level bedrooms.
As for why I bought them multiple homes…that was the expectation. It wasn’t even a discussion. It is only now occurring to me that I might be locked into this dynamic for another 10-20 years. For <10 years it seemed like a no-brainer, as I do love my family.
Anon
You aren’t locked into this dynamic. You have been trained into it for decades. This isn’t normal or okay, and parents shouldn’t be demanding things from their children and complaining when they don’t get it.
Anon
You need therapy because this dynamic is not healthy and you need to find a way to offer a healthy level of support to your father.
…where are your brothers in this dynamic? Were they expected to buy their parents two homes?
Gently, this is bananas.
I hope you’re getting a big @ss inheritance for putting up with this.
Elder Parent Financial Support
My brothers do fine, but they make less money than I have. I do not share all my details but my salary range is easy to ballpark online due to my employer. I think they resent my comparative financial success and think this is all fine and warranted since I will still be better off than them.
Anon
Okay, but can’t the three of you (or however many, unclear on how many brothers) split both the costs of housing your father and the logistics of dealing with him? Just because you’re the girl, this isn’t all on you to fix.
Anon
You need to find a therapist ASAP. There’s a lot to explore here.
anon
I think you need to unwind this. As someone else said, your dad will take a condo over the street, I can guaranty it. You need to sell it to get him out.
I can’t fathom an “expectation” to buy parents a home… and then a second. I also had very ill parents and COVID was horribly scary, yes, and it felt life and death, yes, truly. But I wouldn’t have made this decision. I say this with genuine kindness, but it sounds like there’s more unpacking that needs to be done here around your relationship with your parents than just the home in question. And, that unpacking may help you find some clarity on your next step.
Anon
This.
anon
My parents also had certain expectations that they made clear weren’t up for discussion. I ignored those expectations and, guess what? The world did not end. I am better off with their displeasure than having ruined my life in pursuit of the unobtainable.
anon
+1 that it’s way better to displease one’s parents than financially ruin one’s life for a parent who isn’t even grateful or willing to work with you.
OP, if you own the house, you can kick your dad out and sell, rent the house out, or move into it. Informally, or with a lawyer if formal eviction is necessary. You can help your dad find a modest rental.
He should absolutely be spending his money on rent rather than campers if you’re living in a 1 bedroom with IKEA furniture. I am a parent and can’t fathom living in luxury on my child’s dime while the child can’t afford such luxury for themselves.
Frankly, I think you can tell your family the truth: as much as you want to give your dad everything he wants, it’s too much for you financially to float a big house for your dad and you need your dad to move out so you can live in your house or get rent money.
OP, you can also move away. Who is looking after your interests as you age? Certainly not your family, so it’s up to you to make sure you have enough to support you.
Anon
You need to put on your own oxygen mask first here. Its great to support our parents, but not at your own expense. You need some sort of agreement with your dad – I’m a little confused that he has money to blow on luxuries but yet didn’t have money to have his own apartment or house? But, you need to talk with a lawyer and a financial planner – since your dad has money to blow on luxuries, then he needs to be paying you rent. You can put the rent money aside for his future medical needs, if you don’t need it for your day to day.
Why are you massively subsidizing him while living in a 1 BR with Ikea furniture while he spends money on things he doesn’t need? Could you sell the house and move him into a 1BR? Or swap residences with him?
You can support your parents financially and / or emotionally while still having a backbone and taking care of your own needs.
Elder Parent Financial Support
Because it wasn’t just my dad…it was my wheelchair-bound mom too! They needed the extra space and features; I didn’t.
He does pay me a below-market rent. He could not afford anything nice-ish at the same price-point.
Anon
So once again – how can he not afford a nice apartment or at-market rate but he can afford a boat? You are being taken advantage of.
Anonymous
This is starting to feel like a tr0ll. None of the answers make sense and there are many contradictory facts.
He can’t afford to pay more yet owns (or is financially secure enough to get a loan on) both a boat and camper with no other assets.
OP bought one house which was suitable but then sold and upgraded for covid reasons which doesn’t make sense because the first house was suitable so the upgrade wasn’t necessary yet the upgrade is repeatedly framed as necessary so her parents don’t die.
Elder Parent Financial Support
I am not a troll. A camper costs $20k. A starter house costs $1M here. And he could never get a loan because he hasn’t filed taxes in years.
Yes I should have kept the first house. I am sorry I didn’t. He seemed so unhappy, and the modest house wasn’t great for a wheelchair. I thought my mom would live another 15 years, as long as we kept her safe from COVID. This was all done in April 2020 – way before vaccines were thought possible.
Anon
Ok, but your mom is gone. So does your dad still need this place?
Anon
He no longer needs the extra space, though, right? Sounds like you are stuck in a dynamic of finding roadblocks and excuses to avoid having a tough conversation with your dad. He might not like moving to a more appropriate place, but your job isn’t to keep him happy at all costs.
Anon
Your dad doesn’t need the house anymore. Why is he still living there? It’s yours.
Anon
I used to feel this way when I was subsidizing my mom’s later years and her teenage and young adult grandchildren kept mooching off of her.
I told my sibling / their parent that anything mom spent on her kids was ultimately coming out of my pocket but deaf ears etc.
The comment up-thread about how you can’t get advice from someone who benefits from your support is spot-on.
Anon
That was me! It was also me who said that the father wouldn’t refuse a condo if it were that or the streets.
Anon
I will bet OP’s brothers think they’re inheriting the house too. Happened in my extended family. Cousin’s siblings knew their sister had bought the house for the parents & was paying it off herself, but they were, as the kids say, shocked Pikachu face, to learn that it was still going to be her house after the parents passed.
Her longest living parent did make some noise about “willing” the house equally to all three kids, but that doesn’t work when you don’t actually own the house, Mom! “But your siblings need it more!” Haha. No.
Anon
Okay, I am not one to jump to therapy, but you need therapy now. You are too enmeshed with your father, and its taking a toll on your finances and I presume your mental health. This is not a healthy family dynamic. No one has the right to demand that a relative a) buy them a place to live and then b) upgrade that place to be something bigger or nicer.
If it was expected that you do this – what are your brothers doing? What does your dad expect of them? What weight are they pulling?
It sounds like you’re being financially, and likely emotionally, abused by your family.
Senior Attorney
Oh, my. This is a mess. I think your first step is definitely some individual therapy to help set some boundaries for yourself. Then you will probably need legal advice around the issue of possibly getting your dad out of the house.
If it were me, I would consider moving into the house WITH my dad and enforcing rules about construction and vehicles and so on. And if he doesn’t like it, you can help him find other accommodations. But I am certain you will need some therapy/coaching before this is possible for you.
Anon
How big is this gorgeous home? Would you consider moving into this house now with your dad? Move him into the guest suite if there is one, since this is after all your house? Then start enforcing rules about maintenance, add-ons, etc.
Anonymous
End your lease, call the Sherif to evict your dad, then move into your home.
Anon
This is blunt, but this is what it boils down to. There’s no magic framing to make your dad be less selfish or make your brothers help. Are you sacrificing the rest of your life to take care of your dad, and then your brothers (from the sound of it)? Either they’ll be mad at you or you’ll be miserable. I’m sorry. I had similar conundrums with my parents: do I sacrifice my life to offset their bad choices.
Anon
This is so unrealistic really given that OP is coming at this from a place of caring for her parent, as many of us would. Come on. In OPs shoes, I’d consider swapping homes, put dad in her current place and she moves into the nice place; moving dad to assisted living (financially this may be better to put off) and the easiest path of just accept he’ll trash the place some and stash some cash to fund a clean up when he’s gone.
Anon
Gently, it is not on you to solve your entire family’s problems. Many things that feel like life or death are not. It is not your responsibility to make money to subsidize your family.
Anon
This is one of the most f*cked up posts I’ve seen here. Not saying that to be mean, saying it to show you how truly messed up this is. Please look into therapy, your dynamic with your entire family but especially your father is unhealthy and you’re being taken advantage of both financially and emotionally. The “expectations” for you to buy them TWO houses is insane. No one should shoulder that.
Anon
I now think it’s a troll. The follow up answers seem unlikely.
Anon
I do, unfortunately, know a few women who have no backbone and get just walked all over by everyone – I could see them in this sort of situation.
this is why raising strong daughters is so important.
Anon
I come from a controlling and enmeshed family. This actually rings true; those families operate by contradictory and crazy rules.
Anon
I think it’s a regular poster and it’s a true story.
Anonymous
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. And comments about going back in time from some folks here seem at best unhelpful and at worst a piling on of someone who is already suffering. You meant well and you made the best decision you could at the time under tough circumstances and not realizing what the future would hold.
If he has money for campers and boats, then he can be paying you rent. Maybe it’s explaining to him that you’re having difficulty making both mortgages and need him to sell those items and contribute more or help you sell the place. I see the dirt piles and such as less of an issue, since you can deal with that later. Your brothers shouldn’t get a say in this at all since the arrangement was solely with you and your parents.
Talk with a therapist who specializes in elder issues. She may be able to help steer you here. You also need to know your rights as a landlord. I know you want to keep the home–my guess in why so many are pushing you to sell and get in a 1 bed room place is that you’re otherwise going to continue to have a lot of battles about hoarding. Offer to swap places with him–as he balks, you lay the groundwork for why the current situation is untenable for you.
It’s no longer his decision how this is handled, as you are the one footing the bill. You shouldn’t be sacrificing your own future savings as he is buying campers.
Anon
+1000 to this compassionate comment.
Elder Parent Financial Support
Thanks for this. I will look into therapy again but I have to say 2 different therapists found nothing wrong with this stuff and praised my generosity over the years these purchases happened.
I can offer to swap. He might take it. It does loom heavy that the extreme stress of another move might prompt a medical relapse. My grandpa died after a move. If the same thing happens with my dad, my brothers will probably not speak to me again. Because it will be my selfishness that ruined the final months or years of his life.
Anon
Well you have not had good or helpful therapists then. A good therapist would work with you on setting boundaries.
Your brothers can either help you and your dad or they can shove it.
Sierra Madre, Treasure of
Your brothers sound like real pieces of work.
Generosity is a great thing, but you’re doing waaaay more than is reasonable or healthy.
It is not selfish to tell your dad he needs to sell the boats and stop the DIY projects or move out.
Anon
If you’re hesitant to try therapy, how about a friend who is compassionate yet a straight shooter? If my friend came to me and explained a situation like yours I’d give her a big hug and then start helping her work though this cluster.
Anon
Yeah, honestly I think this is a better answer than therapy. Family obligations or a sense of them isn’t something that OP will solve in enough time to handle this mess. This is a problem solving moment and not everything needs to be worked out in therapy.
Anecdata
Friend – your dad is 77. No matter what you do or don’t do, he is going to die at some point and it will not be your fault. Please consider getting a therapist to help you navigate all the big emotional stuff here – you do not deserve to feel like you have no options except supporting your dad infinitely like this
Anon
this. Your dad is old and it sounds like in not great health. He’s going to pass and when he does, whether its tomorrow or in 20 years, nothing will be your fault. It’s just what happens.
Anon
This!
Anecdata
Ahh sorry I missed your comment about not finding therapy helpful in the past
Take or leave this, but it jumps out to me that in your initial comment you specified that you don’t resent doing this at all… but it kind of sounds like in your further comments, you do kind of it. And maybe you feel kind of conflicted about whether you’re “allowed” to resent it, because your modest lifestyle is “good enough”. That could be a starting point to maybe ask a counselor to help you think through
Cerulean
Your earlier comment that your dad “has been near death” since you were a child jumps out at me now. Have you felt a special responsibility to not rock the boat in hopes of not somehow making his condition deteriorate? This sounds like a lifelong dynamic of you feeling responsible for your dad’s health outcomes, and I want to tell you that that is not a normal or healthy parent/child dynamic. And if your brothers have any real inclination to blame you if he passes away, they have not treated you in the way loving siblings should. You have gone far, far beyond what many adult children would or could do for a parent.
Elder Parent Financial Support
Yes, absolutely. My mom was a total doormat, and I was raised to be one too. My brothers to a lesser extent. They have expectations similar to my dad, and I think that is part of why they are both long-term single.
Anon
Serious question – do you like your brothers and do they like (and respect) you enough that you want to continue having a good relationship with them after your dad passes? You seem to do a lot of walking on eggshells to preserve a relationship with these brothers, but they seem to be refusing to meet you halfway let alone be actually helpful.
If you do want to preserve the relationship, then yes you’ll have to keep walking on eggshells.
If you say “f*ck it, I’m doing what’s best for me” and aren’t as focused on acting in ways to preserve the relationship you will have more doors open to you.
Elder Parent Financial Support
I need to think about it.
I do want to say that “camper money” and “boat money” is not close to housing money in our area. A not-nice condo costs $600k. The camper was $20k. He would never qualify for a mortgage, due to not filing taxes in forever. I have told my brothers that is on them to handle if/when he passes. I will disclaim any interest in his estate, and any obligation to do more than supervise one big junk removal.
Anon
I think people are so hung up on the boat or camper is because its so incredibly selfish to mooch off of your daughter while then buying luxuries for yourself. So even if the ~50k he spent on both boat and camper wouldn’t get him a down payment on a condo, it’s still just such a ludicrous and disrespectful thing to do.
Sierra Madre, Treasure of
This! The camper and boat might be small purchases in comparison to a house, but $20k is still a lot of money!
You have gone above and beyond to be a good, dutiful daughter and your dad has been terrible in return. It’s YOUR house, you love it, so give him a timeline to move out. He can move into his dang camper and park it in one of your brothers’ driveways.
Elder Parent Financial Support
Yeah. It does feel ludicrous and disrespectful. Thank you for saying that. Nobody around me seems to understand why those purchases upset me, and I am not good at explaining why. My brothers say he can do what he wants with his money. Hard for me to disagree. I am the one that made this bed.
Anon
If he is self-supporting, he can do what he wants with his money. He’s not self supporting.
Anonymous
A large camper is usually a lot more than 20K. When I first read boat and camper it seemed like 100k worth of stuff which is enough for a down payment on a condo in most cities.
Anon
Girl you need to get a backbone and stop letting your dad and brothers take advantage of you.
Anon
Too bad if he gets angry and defensive, you need to do what you need to do to take care of YOU
Anon
Who has or will have medical and financial POA for your dad?
Can you set it up with your brothers that since you bought TWO houses for your parents, they’re in charge (financially and physically being there and figuring out logistics) of medical or elder care he will need? Can you talk to your dad about not spending down his nest egg so he has money left for medical care?
Elder Parent Financial Support
Right now, I have POA.
My dad takes personal offense at the mere suggestion that he might need money for medical care. Always has. My mom was the same way. She used to laugh at my teenage self as I fretted about supporting them one day. Which is exactly what happened.
anon
This is really messed up.
Anon
You’ve made your bed.
Anon
She made A bed, but based on her responses, she’s not willing to make any changes at all so… I do guess she’s made her bed.
Anon.
That’s what her brothers said.
Anon
Although you have gotten some blunt advice (which you seem to deflect), I think the women here including myself tend to go harder on problems with spouses and partners than we do on other family members such as parents. So I’m going to give it to you as if you had a similar problem with a spouse or a partner.
Your Dad is either several steps down the path of dementia or he is a selfish, narcissistic ass. Possibly both. If you as his child would like to keep a roof over his head, clothes on his back, and food on his table, have at it. But HE DOES NOT GET TO DICTATE THE TERMS. You do not have to please him. He can be angry with your decisions about how you house him. That’s fine. Your brothers can be angry about how you house him. Since they are not contributing they can go f—- themselves.
As many have pointed out, there is a lot to unpack here. The first two steps are that you switch residences and that you enter intense therapy to figure out why you allow your family to emotionally beat you.
Anon
As the old expression goes, she who has the gold makes the rules. You’ve got more power here than you think. Start with prohibiting your dad’s improvement projects and send someone in to fix what he’s doing if he refuses. Call a junk hauler, a contractor, whatever you want, you own the place. Then assess what you want to do, if you want to move in, can you swap residences? Don’t give him a choice, just arrange it unless there’s some real barrier. The brothers are just noise and until they pitch in some gold, they get no say in the rules.
Anonymous
Yeah, what everyone else said. I would start small and build confidence in yourself to be able to change things. Get him to see his doctor with you attending and call a junk hauler or landscaper for a one-off service. Don’t ask, tell him the yard clean-up is happening and be there when the person comes. Rock the boat, notice that you’re still here.
Anon
Between the thread about beauty maintenance/regular upkeep and the thread about how all celebrities wear extensions, I feel increasingly uncomfortable about how far we are from knowing what a real woman looks like anymore. False eyelashes and extensions are now considered standard so we forget what women look like without them (even the US women’s gymnastics team is wearing false lashes to compete!).
Anon
I don’t think I know a single adult woman who has fake eyelashes or extensions in real life. I think it is region-, career- and age-specific.
Anon
(And I think it’s great that women can express themselves however they want!)
Anon
I mean, at 42 I fully admit I’m an Old according to Kids These Days, but yeah, I don’t know anyone like that in real life. (Well, there’s that girl from high school I’m friends with on FB who’s had work done – surgically and temporarily – but I just pity her and there’s clearly something going on because she didn’t used to be like this.) ANYWAYS, if “everyone” you know is getting work done and wearing extensions and flash eyelashes, consider whether you like “everyone” and if they’re the right crowd for you.
The gymnastics team wearing them to compete seems plausibly appropriate to me. Dance teams wear them to perform (yes, they’re much different, but cousins). I believe the synchronized swimmers wear full faces of makeup if the L’Oréal Infallible ad I keep seeing is true.
Anon
Enjoy your judging. I’m sure that’s bringing you peace and acceptance in your life. I’m also sure your “friend” doesn’t appreciate you feeling sorry for her.
Anon
Same
Anon
Know anyone who has really great mascara on or great eye makeup generally? Guess what, many of them have extensions. They look very natural these days and if they’re good, you can’t really tell.
Anon
I don’t know that many women who wear makeup at all, beyond maybe a little foundation, blush, and light mascara. Nothing I would describe as “really great.” But I live in Portland.
Anon
I can’t help you with Portland…..
anon
I can’t think of a single woman I know who has great eye makeup in person day after day.
Anon
I am in the very anti-glam wear-fleece-to-work Bay Area and I know plenty of women who get lash extensions. You might not know why their lashes look so good (and natural) but that’s because they get the good lash extensions.
Anon
And also very natural looking filler & Botox. Not Real Housewife level stuff, but they get it, and it’s hard to tell.
Anon
Yup. I get Botox 2-3x/year, lasers for pigmentation, and microneedling for lifting/firming. I have PCOS and hormonal acne/hyperpigmentation so this is half to ‘correct’ issues and half for anti-aging purposes. My skin looks fantastic and it allows me to skip foundation which is such a relief after years of caking it on to cover up breakouts. Filler is what generally starts to make people look weird more than Botox imho.
Anon
Yeah – even a few of my really low key, low maintenance friends get last extensions. They look natural so you don’t realize it. But you definitely know people getting them
Anon
Looking really good with some help while staying “natural” looking is very expensive & exclusive.
Anon
Haha, I’m in Portland, the one place fleecier and more anti-glam than SF. I know relatively few women who even wear mascara. Sounds like OP should move here!
Anon
Oh, you do. You just don’t realize it.
Anon
Really? They are super common in my office.
Anon
I have regular contact with some women who are all in on the false eyelashes. Oddly enough, in my location it appears to be a thing from the lower end of the socio-economic scale, and is usually accompanied by claw like fake nails.
Anon
Right, all the front desk ladies at my doctor’s large clinic have long, curled, cartoony lashes. I would say they’re the lowest paid workers at that place. My guess is one of them does it as a side hustle.
However, my upper middle class and wealthier friends who have had it done don’t have that look. They have “naturally full” lashes that are actually realistic looking extensions.
anon
Same here. It’s often very young, low-paid retail workers with the obvious, fake untrimmed lashes and claws. That’s a different situation from the (mostly) undetectable lash work that I think the OP was talking about though. Nails–very hard to make those look real at any price point, though. Impossible, actually.
Anon
I think this all the time! I especially think my 23 year old daughter and her generation don’t really have a good handle on it either. Even absent fake nails, lashes, and hair extensions (not to mention plastic surgery & things like lip filler), everything online is so heavily filtered that you start to think that’s how things are really supposed to look, and then it’s not achievable in real life.
Lily
I’m less worried about eyelash extensions because it’s so obvious when someone is wearing them and frankly they look cheap and not at all chic, in my view. Same thing with makeup etc etc.
I am more concerned about the prevalence of botox and dermal filler, microneedling, laser hair removal, implants, and other tools that when *done well*, aren’t perceptible, therefore our perception of what a normal 40 year old woman should look like if she takes reasonably good care of herself is completely warped. Meanwhile I’m just feeding into it because I use botox myself.
Anonymous
The good thing about life is we can all look different and not be horribly judgmental about what looks cheap or chic or normal. Frankly, you sound like you need to spend more time working on your inside than worrying about others’ outsides.
Anon
I agree that the “invisible” work is the scary part that creates an arm’s race. I was shocked to learn that 28 year old women I considered low maintenance were getting botox and microneedling. By 30 I observed a wide range of flawless skin to noticeable wrinkles among my peers, and it’s not just genetics. Filler eventually becomes obvious because it tends to migrate but when you first start it can look natural. I thought my tretinoin and daily SPF 50 would be enough but it’s hard to compete with injectables. The bar is being raised to an unreasonable level
Anon.
This is geographical as well. When I lived in South Florida, so many other lawyers and moms in my kid’s school had expensive cuts and highlights and all the facial work. That isn’t the case everywhere.
Anon
I think unless you’re in a city like Miami or LA, most women around you aren’t getting extensions or lash lifts regularly. I am in the Bay Area, and I’d say no-makeup and natural hair are the norm. Most women and men are assessing their standards by what’s around them, not by what’s online, so their sense of what a real woman looks like is still pretty consistent.
I am a woman in my twenties who wears extensions and makeup on special occasions, and I’d say neither really changes a woman’s appearance that much. You can still tell what I look like and what my face looks like. People’s facial features, build, skin texture are all still visible and it’s easy to translate that into their basic physical appearance. I’d say I get “Wow, you’re the prettiest girl in the room” or “You’ve turned every head in here” type of comments when I’m glammed up that I don’t get normally, but I think that is more of a feature of people responding to the overall impression of someone looking glamorous, not a fundamental change in what I look like. When I see other women glammed up versus not glammed up, I think they are equally beautiful either way, but it’s just a certain appreciation for the artistry of outfits/makeup/hair and the impression it leaves.
Anon
I’m in DC and work in humanitarian aid and you’d be shocked how many women who deploy to very austere environments also have lash extensions and lifts. Ditto women in the military.
Admittedly, how I dress and do makeup or hair when I’m in DC is different than when I’m in the field (and it depends a lot on the field environment), but it’s certainly not just a Miami or LA trend. I know plenty of women (both military and humanitarian aid workers) who deploy to active war zones with makeup in their bags having recently gotten botox or lash lifts or highlights.
Anon
Again? I don’t think you know. There’s obvious work, and that’s bad work. Then there’s good work, where the person looks “refreshed” and you wouldn’t know.
My bestie had a lower face lift and eyelid work from the best of the best of the best $$$ surgeon (not in Miami or LA) and she looks great, but not in an obvious way. If you didn’t see her with the bruising or swelling at the time, you wouldn’t know.
Anon
This!
I’d also add that no one thinks that a celebrity normally looks like they do on the Oscar red carpet (“glammed up”). But! Many (most?) people think that they do really look like they do in shots of them shopping or in casual-looking shots on social media. At least with the hair extensions, they do still have those in even during “casual” moments. That’s what creates the unreal expectation as opposed to the times when they are very obviously done up.
Anon
I am in my 40s and I ‘know’ everyone edits their online photos to hell and back but you’re right in that your brain starts to thinks that is ‘normal’. In reality when I run errands, go to the gym, go to the beach, the office, etc. even the more polished women still look normal vs. the weird uncanny valley of online life.
anon
Yes there’s been mega scope creep on women’s beauty. Remember when having a hair straightener was a big deal? Now it’s botox, lashes, the whole nine yards. I’m just trying to do minimum upkeep to appear presentable and waiting for all the high maintenance deal to fade off.
Anon
To each her own. I’m one of the Bay Area women with all the expensive AF things to look natural and I’ve never looked better in my life. I love that I’m rolling into my 50s looking far better than my mother or grandmother ever did. Not younger, better. More polished and pit together all the time. It was always an arms race, the tools are just better now.
Mona
Who is this “we” you speak of? Because the women I know who get some level of work done know what natural looks like — at least for them — and eschew it.
I live in a city known for its rugged outdoorsiness (Portland OR) and 75% of my friends have lash extensions, hair extensions, and/or microneedling on a regular basis. It is the work they do so they don’t have to look like their “real” selves but also don’t have to do daily upkeep. But they definitely know what normal looks like.
anon
I expect dance teams and gymnastics performers to be glammed up. I mean–look at their costumes.I’m sure they’ve been accustomed to an arms race, if you will, of upkeep since they were tiny girls. But what I’ve noticed in the Olympics–I’ve mostly watched swimming, mostly on BBC–is the apparently untreated acne of many of the contestants. Even covered by makeup (though probably not the swimmers.) They must know they’re going to be interviewed, and have been before they got this far. I’m not judging! I just don’t see bad skin the way I used to; there is such better treatment these days, including the Pill, and not all of it expensive. And most medicine is cheaper in Europe anyway. I’m very old. You just don’t see rampant, untreated acne the way you used to.
Anon
Is there anything backing the P*ndulum probiotics that claim to curb cravings or regulate glucose? Has anyone tried them? They seem like snake oil but I am willing to try anything to quiet the food noise. I am an emotional eater/former binge-er but not overweight so can’t take Wegovy or similar drugs. Would really love to just eat when I’m hungry and have that be that!
Anon
Have you talked to your OB about Ovasitol (or another inisitol prosuct) and/or been checked for PCOS, insulin resistance, or prediabetes? Those are usually among the first line recommendations for glucose management for women, but you do need to discuss with your practitioner before introducing them.
Anon
I have really bad social anxiety, even around people I like. If it’s not my immediate family, I get so nervous beforehand that it affects my digestive system. I’m highly medicated for general anxiety, but it doesn’t really help with situational social anxiety. I have a dinner tonight with my boss and an executive I’ve known for many years, but haven’t seen in a couple years. These are very high caliber people in my industry, and I’m so nervous I will say something stupid. Any tips to help me calm down? Already starting to get ready (I’m working from home) even though the dinner is not for several hours.
Anon
I’m not sure if this will help, but a manager once commented that she has severe social anxiety and she is introverted. Every time I’ve interacted with her in the office or at group happy hours, she seems perfectly fine. The point is, any awkwardness you may feel is probably not noticeable by others.
anon
What are your strategies for decreasing anxiety in the moment? Have you worked on some with your therapist?
This is the perfect scenario for doing some sort of exercise prior to getting ready for the dinner or yoga/mindfulness/whatever your tools are. No caffeine.
Anon
Aw, this is so hard. I had crippling social anxiety for most of my life (including selective mutism as a teen), and I’d say I am finally over it as an adult. Exposure therapy is the #1 thing that will help you conquer it, so events like this dinner are a huge toward progress! The more of these events you go to, the easier and easier they’ll get.
Some things you can do to ease the stress:
1) Remind yourself that it will be totally fine. You are a smart, accomplished, thoughtful woman. Objectively, there is nothing about you that should make you worry about meeting new people. It’s irrational anxieties, and you can gently remind yourself they aren’t based in reality.
2) Journal like crazy. Journal out all your anxieties, journal out what you’re scared of, pour out all of your fears until they start to lose their charge. Then, journal about how you want to feel and how you want to think about the event. It’s a learning opportunity and a change to get a little braver. These are people like anyone else, with families and friends of their own, and you can connect with them as human beings the way you would the people you already love. It’s a chance to get to know new people and potentially even impress them!
3) I did EMDR for a year, and it’s been the most monumental thing I’ve ever done in getting over anxiety. I still use the techniques when I get anxious to work through difficult feelings on my own. Sit down, cross your arms over your chest, and tap your hands while focusing on how things feel in your body. Keep doing this until the feelings in your body subside. It may get more anxiety-inducing at first, but eventually it allow them to process and reduce in their power. Also, as an exposure therapy technique, visualize the things about tonight you’re most scared and tap on them until the anxiety subsides.
You’re going to be absolutely fine tonight. Even if it’s scary now, this is a huge step toward facing your fears and draining them of their power. You’ve got this, girl!
Anon
Does the “so what?” game help you? My therapist taught me this years ago.
I’m going to say something stupid tonight.
So what?
I’ll make a fool of myself.
So what?
My boss will think I’m dumb.
So what?
He’ll think less of me.
So what?
Uhh. Hmm. I’m not going to lose my job.
Anon
If he or she is even thinking of you at all. That one is key, no one is spending as much energy thinking about you as you are.
Anon
Ask what they thought of the week’s Olympics events, ask what recent vacations they have enjoyed, ask about their family, ask about their first job, ask about what books they have read or listened to recently. Just be curious and let them talk.
Anon88
I have really bad social anxiety as well. EMDR therapy and the book “How to Be Yourself” plus medication have both been hugely helpful. Probably not applicable to anyone else, but I’ve also found that having a very outgoing and charismatic boyfriend helps too, haha.
Anon
For the stomach issues take imodium 90 minutes before you leave home. Other people offered good advice on deep breathing and mental exercises, but singing stops the physical anxiety. Singing stimulates your vagus nerve so it has a physiological effect. If I’m at home I find this works better than yoga breaths
Anon
Thank you all. Updating the hive to say I got through it! It was actually more enjoyable than I expected.
Anon
Yay I am so glad for you! I have a similar work function today and reading through the responses to your post helped!
Work Travel
My work travel has increased over the last year and I haven’t been as strategic as I should be about being loyal to a hotel brand. I’m not going to earn any sort of crazy status but I probably stay overnight 2-3 nights/month on average. If I could earn some points/credit/goodwill that I could use on the personal side, I’d like to do that. Any strong preferences for Marriott vs Hyatt vs others? Is one going to yield quicker benefits than another? I use a Chase Reserve card that I’m plenty satisfied with and I don’t want to use any sort of branded credit card. TIA.
Anon
I’d be interested to see what others say about getting quicker rewards. I honestly just picked one (Marriott) and went with it.
Anon
I find that Hilton points accumulate more quickly than other brands.
Anon
Do you have any airline loyalty? I like Marriott because I get gold elite automatically via my United Platinum status.
OP
Yes, I fly Delta almost exclusively. I don’t often get enough for a free family vacay, but miles add up enough that we’ve been able to upgrade to comfort+ and other fringe benefits like that.
Anon
I have accounts with all of them but favor Marriott bc they have more high end properties. But I never book anywhere without using a rewards number and for work I pick the most convenient option.
Anon
Marriott unless you travel to the same place every time and know a Hilton or Hyatt you like. Marriott-Bonvoy properties are everywhere and at all price levels.
If I traveled internationally a lot, I’d do Hyatt but unfortunately my domestic options have mostly priced themselves out of my company’s travel policy.
Anonymous
I rotate between Marriott and Hilton based on what seems best where I am; I used to have a stronger preference for Hilton (mainly because Marriott used some scent in their hotels that seemed to trigger allergies for me), but when Marriott acquired Starwood, I started gravitating more toward them (I really like Le Meridiens, which are Starwood, though they have gotten quite pricey). But even rotating between them, I seem to acquire enough points for free stays and I don’t travel that much anymore.
Melatonin
Has anyone had it that melatonin messed up their sleep? I started using a small dose to deal with insomnia early this year. However, 6 months in, I find that I now often wake up at 5 am unable to fall back asleep. I feel stuck because I can’t fall asleep without it, but then have these early morning awakenings. How do I get out of this sleep mess? I am so tired and miserable.
anon
What time do you take it? How much? Which doctor is helping you with sleep?
What wakes you up at 5am? Using the bathroom/light entering room/no clear reason? Is your mind racing/thinking at that time?
Early awakenings can often be a different reason than why melatonin helps you fall asleep.
Anon
You could lean into it and start your day earlier. 5 am isn’t so early that you can’t get a head start on the morning.
OP
Light usually wakes me up. I am usually not sleepy til midnight so 5 am would be too early of a start of my day. I take 3mg an hour before bed. It worked great for a long time and now stopped working.
Anon
Wear an eye mask and/or get blackout curtains. If light is waking you up, there’s a really simple solution.
OP
I wear an eye mask. The blackout curtains may help, though.
Anon
I agree with blackout curtains
Abandon
I don’t think you’re supposed to take it everyday. Your body will acclimate to it & it loses its effectiveness.
Anon
That’s not really true.
Anon
+1
Abandon
Google tells me it’s for “short-term” use. Do you have better information?
Anon
Yes, at least half a dozen doctors who specialize in sleep and hormones telling me it’s fine to be on long term.
Anecdata
Any chance you can get away for a no artificial light camping weekend? there’s some interesting research that it’s surprisingly effective at resetting your circadian clock even on short trips
Anon
5 isn’t that early, why not just get up then? Adjust your bedtime forward if you need to.
OP
As stated above, I can’t really fall asleep until midnight or so.
Anon
Your sleep cycle would adjust if it’s something you wanted to pursue. I know that seems like an obvious statement, but I’ve seen instances where the next step doesn’t always compute for people right away when they’re fixated on a problem, so thought I’d offer it up.
Minneapolis
I’m super light-sensitive too. Blackout curtains from Target helped. For a sleep mask, I double-layer those stretchy fabric headbands (I think they’re 2″ wide or so) in the darkest colors available.
If you haven’t tried it yet, earplugs and keeping the temp cooler might help too.
Anon
Daily melatonin taker here. I agree that you do acclamate. My experience is like yours–it shuts me down enough for that first sleep cycle, but not a full 8 hours. I’m usually up after 3 hours.
The light sensitivity sounds like a separate but contributing factor. I’d get curtains, better mask. see if you can at least eliminate that problem.
For me, the nighttime waking abates when I keep a strict up-at-6am schedule. That’s not my natural wake time, but if I can hit that mark a couple days in a row, some kind of natural wakefulness kicks in and it’s like that anchors the circadian rhythm going forward.
Any chance you can identify a time like that? I bet you have a sense for–if you’re up at 4, you get groggy later in the morning, but if you’re up at 7, you can make it–or something like that.
Hope this makes sense. Solidarity!
Ses
A study I read claimed that 3 mg is actually a high dose and that lower doses can be more effective in helping people sleep through the night.
Try cutting to 1 mg or .5 mg and see if it helps.
Ses
https://news.mit.edu/2001/melatonin-1017
Ses
And perhaps consider extended release. This post has comprehensive info than the MIT link above:
https://medicine.umich.edu/dept/psychiatry/news/archive/202307/what-happens-your-body-if-you-take-melatonin-every-night-according-behavioral-sleep-medicine-expert