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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 129 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Hitchup Pump

Coffee Break

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Stuart Weitzman Hitchup PumpStuart Weitzman's summer sale has started, and there are some great sales. For today's coffee break, I'm liking this “black goose bump nappa” pump — the contrasting cap-toe and buckle details at the back are really cool, and Stuart Weitzman is one of the only brands I would even consider a 4″ heel. This shoe (which also comes in a black and beigey nappa) was $385, but is now marked to $193. Stuart Weitzman Hitchup Pump P.S. ShopBop is offering an extra 25% off sale items today and tomorrow only, which means there are some really great deals to be had in brands like Tory Burch, DvF, Equipment, J.Brand, and more. Most items are limited sizes, final sale, though. (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Comments

  1. RR

    It’s shoes like this that make me wish I could wear a 4″ heel without a guaranteed visit to the hospital to fix whatever I injured when I fell on my butt. Really pretty.

    • NOLA

      Beautiful! I usually drool over black and cream pumps but have nothing to wear them with. But in general, I can only wear a 4″ heel on a shoe with a strap. Wide feet and narrow heels mean that they won’t stay on my foot and I end up looking like I’m limping.

      • MH

        Yeah, if I wore these I’d be 6’4″. And then I’d fall over. But they’re pretty!

        • MJ

          From one tall girl to another–own your height. Heels should not be off limits. They serve only to weed out the short boys. Carolyn Moos was featured in Cosmo last month. She’s 6′ 5″ and was rocking 4″ wedge platforms. Granted, she hangs out with a bunch of pro basketball players, but it made me smile to see that! ;)

          • MH

            Yes!! I love being tall, most of the time (back pain and short men in my profession have issues with me). And I do wear heels, just lower ones. I never really learned how to walk in tall heels so I shy away from anything over 2 inches. How do you learn how to walk in heels – just put them on and walk around the house?

  2. Susie

    I almost got black and white pumps this weekend, but then talked myself out of them since I’m trying to cut back on my shopping a little and decided I don’t really need them. These are cute, though a little too pointy for my taste. I just got blue pumps that are pointier than I was expecting (featured here recently) so I’m on the fence. I think if I wore slacks more often it would make sense, but I may feel too self-conscious in skirts/dresses.

  3. Ellen

    Yay! I love these pump’s, but to pricey again! Plus, the white tip would NOT work for me b/c of the curb’s in the city I ALWAYS skuff my toe’s on! FOOEY!

    Ed want’s me to introduce him to Sam b/c he is also lookeing for business in his brokerage. Why is it that EVERYONE is trying to HORN IN on this man b/c he has alot of money but I do NOT care about his money THAT much — I need a boyfreind to marry me and help me have a child so that Grandma Leyeh will pay me $50,000.

    I told dad about Sam, and he say’s he wants to meet him. So far so good, but he does NOT yet know that SAM is from Great Britan. I am NOT sure where he comes from; I think most peeople come from London, but I am NOT sure. Mabye he come’s from where the Beatel’s come from. If he does, MOM will love him b/c she was a BIG Beatel’s fan back when in the 1960’s. She has alot of Beatel’s RECORDS and she likes to dance to the music. She’s got a ticket to ride, she say’s, but Dad is NOT a dancer, and he claim’s it’s b/c Mom’s tuchus alway’s knock’s him around when she moves around to much.

    Grandma Leyeh called and she also wants to meet Sam. How can I have all these peeople meet Sam without scareing him off? He said he likes me JUST the way I am, but he has NOT seen me in a Batheing Suit, and he invited me to go to the Hamton’s this summer, b/c he has a house that he share’s with 2 other guy’s. I do NOT want to go out there by myself b/c I am sure he would see me in a batheing suit, and without looseing 8 pound’s, I think he will not like my tuchus up close. For now, I think Myrna will get me into shape, starteing THIS weekend. YAY!!!

  4. Paging Twin Cities Residents

    Any recommendations for cleaning services/people? I have a 2 bedroom apartment and have had a less-than-stellar experience with Sapphire Maids.

    • anon2

      I use a mother/daughter team, but have heard good things about Two Bettys Green Cleaning Service.

  5. Calico

    Anyone have tips on getting thicker skinned? I’ve been blogging for a city guide website for a while now and I find myself shying away from weighing in on issues because negative comments derail me. Rationally I tell myself to not let it get me down, who cares what anonymous strangers think, but it still upsets me. Not to mention the fact that few commenters on the internet are as judicious as ‘Rette readers. I hate being called names but I know it’s likely worse to engage the troll. I’m sure time and perseverance will help, but I’d love a shortcut if one’s available!

  6. theirway11

    I was just told I wasn’t a good fit at my company. They are giving me three months to find a job. I flat out begged for more specific feedback but they just kept saying “fit.”

    Does anyone know what that means? I mean, sure, I’ve made mistakes, but nothing major. I don’t understand the concept of “fit”–I must have messed up somehow but it’s hard to know when no one will say anything more specific.

    • Calico

      Perhaps you didn’t mess up, it’s just a chemistry thing. This happened to a good friend of mine and she used the three months to get a great new job. Sorry this happened to you but I hope that it will be a stepping stone to a better situation for you.

    • Anonymous

      Hm, it could be a company culture thing. Like they don’t think you ‘fit in’. People like to like the people they are working with. It could also be that they need to lay some people off and you were first on the chopping block due to seniority or what have you. Be thankful that they gave you 3 months! Use this time to find a job while you still have a job and save as much as possible.

    • Anonymous

      So sorry to hear this. It happened to a good friend/coworker of mine, after a decade of stellar reviews. Given the “your job is being eliminated b/c it is no longer a fit with our organization” mumbo jumbo, thanked for his work, and sent packing. Not fair, but he held his head high and is landing on his feet.

    • Elle

      I always thought fit was more related to culture type stuff. Socializing, in with the bosses etc. Do you have many mentors or friends at work? 3 months is a lot of time to find a new job though. That’s pretty decent of them.

    • k-padi

      It might be a stealth lay-off or a culture clash. It’s good of them to give you three months.

      For people who don’t fit into an office culture, it could be many things. I know some commenters are less afraid to flout office culture than I am. In some offices (like larger, corporate environments where there isn’t a large amount of team work), that might be OK. In others (like small firms), it’s not OK.

      What is the office culture like? Do people eat lunch together or at their desks? Is the office a quiet place or a loud place? Are happy hours important to attend? Do people use the office kitchen to cook stinky things? Do people try to keep the common areas (e.g., lobbies, conference rooms, restrooms) neat and picked up? Do people talk about their personal lives (e.g., families, vacations, etc.)?

      Was the culture something you could comply with or at least appear to comply with? If drinking and happy hours are important, can you have a [non-alcoholic] drink and stay for 30 minutes? If people share personal stories, can you share to your level of comfort in return? If, like me, the office culture is more MYOB, can you share less or find co-workers who also don’t mind sharing or contribute in some “social” way like recruiting, training newer people, taking client-facing positions?

      • Anonymous

        Along with k-padi’s ideas, it could be as simple as – they wanted someone who put in more face time, or someone who worked the same hours as the rest of the team. This can be quite frustrating. Good luck finding a new job!

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t put too much stock in what their reasons are. There may be plenty of other behind the scenes things going on. Take an honest assesment of yourself: could you have been a better team player? Were there times when you could have handled a particular situation better? Make a note for next time and move on.

      • Sims

        +1

        Can be a million things, some of which you may not be able to control: Cost cutting to potential resturucturing of the business in some way they can’t announce yet to someone’s nephew needing a position when he moves back to the area later this fall. Seriously, don’t be too hard on yourself. I think fit can mean culture but it also can mean “we don’t have enough performance-based specifics to throw your way but want to move forward differently nonetheless.” The three month window shows you can’t be too off or they would likely hasten or be focused on performance review interventions and such. I would just take stock of your strengths and weaknesses and come into the next gig with as positive of an attitude as you can muster.

    • Baconpancakes

      If it had really been mistakes, they probably would’ve just fired you. “Fit” means someone in management doesn’t like you, but you do a good job. Make sure you’ve got someone to give you a glowing recommendation, and know that this is one of those situations where it’s honestly not you, it’s them.

      • Anon

        I’m in a hiring/firing position in the corporate world. We often use “fit” as a way of getting rid of someone who is just not performing. So, it could be you, or as others have said, it could be a stealth layoff, financial issues, different delegation of work etc. We usually don’t let someone go because they are different in their lunch or other habits unless they are a huge outlier compared to the rest of the organization-so in my particular organization, “culture” is not generally a reason for termination. I agree with the advice of obtaining a recommendation and spending the three months job hunting. Later, when you have a new position and all is well, you can approach someone that you knew at your old job, and ask them if they have any constructive feedback for you, or further information on why you were let go. Good luck!

        • Maribel

          Well, it sounds like you are kind of a jerk. It seems cruel to lie to someone when you could explain what it is that they weren’t doing or how they weren’t performing.

        • NYNY

          I was recently involved in “firing” a consultant (replacing a project lead with another person from the consulting company) for fit. My organization has a complex structure, and she just wasn’t getting it several months into the engagement. She made gaffes in high-level meetings (attributing issues from one department to another, for example), and although we gently corrected her, she didn’t improve. But I don’t think it was a jerk move to call it “fit,” because ultimately, she didn’t fit our expectations in areas which are hard to quantify.

          To the OP – don’t worry too much about this. If all they are giving you is “fit,” then they don’t have a clearer reason to give (and could be masking something else). Use the three months to find your dream job. Good luck!

    • SA

      This same thing happened to me. For me, it was chemistry with my new boss. I kept thinking my work product would win her over, but it didn’t happen. I ended up getting fired. On the plus side though I knew that I had 60 days so I started applying right away. I was offered my current, much better, job 6 hours after my termination.

  8. anon

    I’m almost a year into a relationship with a great guy–we’ve been seeing each other daily for the past few months (with a few “off” days here and there). It’s great, but we’re also getting to that stage where we’re comfortable. I know this is the guy I want to marry, but how do I keep things exciting when we aren’t doing many planned dates and such? I anticipate that we’ll move in together at some point, but I imagine it has to get pretty routine after a while. How do you ladies handle the dreaded “comfort-zone” of a relationship?

    • AIMS

      I think you have to just make it routine to do new things together. It can run the gamut from cooking a new recipe together to going on a day trip to you name it. I think more or less anything can be fun with the right person and the right attitude, though of course many years into a relationship, it does take a bit of creativity. But I think this is partly figuring out what works for you and him and partly just remembering to make an effort.

      Also, on a personal level, for me, it’s shaving my legs regularly. I have friends who think the whole point of a monogomous relationship is not having to “do” that, but for me it’s that little bit of effort that I think I need to keep from taking my SO for granted. I also think a tiny bit of mystery when it comes to other personal habits is healthy, too. But, of course, everyone is different.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Haha I rarely shave my legs. Luckily my boyfriend was dumbfounded when I mentioned it and truly hadn’t noticed. Luckily my hair is really light and aparently soft!

        In general though, I’m all for comfortable but definitely agree with you on the little bit of mystery thing. We don’t brush our teeth together, for example.

        I second the recommendations to make plans too. We make sure to go out for brunch or dinner somewhat regularly and travel every few months.

        • AIMS

          Oh, I wish that was my case. Pale legs + coarse, dark hair =/= good look for me (personal preference – I totally understand that not everyone may feel this way). If I had hair like yours, I’d never shave.

          I actually didn’t follow my own rule at all in my past LTR, and in retrospect I think it wasn’t a good thing. We were way too “comfortable.” There was something nice about it, of course, but also something a little too familiar. Without getting into detail, I made a decision not to go there with my SO when we got together and I do think it’s worked for us.

      • JJ

        I agree with your last paragraph so much. Been married 7 years and we still keep the bathroom doors closed. I also shave routinely (which has been a blast while 9 months pregnant) and don’t let him see me whenever I’m doing a facial mask, etc. It works for us to keep some “mystery” in the relationship.

      • Anonymous

        You can even take classes and workshops in both of those activities to keep abreast of best practices.

        Or visit your local comedy club for a fun night out! Or you know, your local dungeon.

    • MH

      What’s wrong with comfortable? That’s one of the things I love best about my relationship. It’s easy and relaxed, and doesn’t take a ton of effort. I feel supported and loved, but now that things are routine, I can focus a lot more energy on work and self-improvement.

      Instead of focusing solely on spicing up your relationship, I would just put energy into new experiences (and self-improvement) just because it’s a good idea in general. Try new restaurants, go on day trips, cook new things, try a new exercise class, learn how to play a new instrument, take cooking classes, learn a new activity, etc.

      I was looking for a new hobby so I took up golf. My husband played when he was younger but hadn’t in a while. We ended up taking classes together and now we golf together pretty regularly.

      • MH

        I should add that one way we can really easily “spice things up” if we get in a rut in THAT area is to spend a night in a nice hotel. I don’t know why, but it just gets me going. Something about being away from distractions at home . . .

      • Baconpancakes

        Nothing wrong with being comfortable, but I understand what she means. For some people, the beginning of a relationship is exciting and romantic and fun. For others, it’s nerve wracking and annoying, and you can’t wait to feel comfortable and secure and loved.

        I’m one of the former, too. I’m still struggling with figuring out how to feel as excited and fancy and special in my comfortable, supportive, loving 3 year relationship as I do on the first few dates.

        • MH

          Yes, I do agree with you. I was kind of oversimplifying. I think step 1) embrace the comfort zone and don’t consider it a bad thing, but step 2) try to find ways to keep things interesting and retain that excitement.

          I realized that I got those little butterflies when I saw my husband giving trainings or speeches to groups of people (he does this for work a lot of the time). I liked seeing him that position of control. I went out of my way to watch him do this a few times just because it was such a turn-on. Figure out if there are little turn-ons like this that work for you.

          I also have learned that a bit of distance every now and then is a good thing. It makes me really excited to see him when we’re apart for a weekend or three or four days. Caveat – I think sometimes too much distance can be bad. You don’t want to get too used to not having someone around.

      • Merabella

        This. Doing new things together also helps you grow together and have shared experiences.

        Also, I definitely suggest not letting yourself get into a rut/comfortable. Keep up your own self-care and maintain friendships and hobbies outside of just hanging out with your SO.

        I have been with my DH for a while, but we both try and make an effort to maintain some things for ourselves – it gives us the ability to chat and stay excited about life in general.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t view the “comfort zone” as a dreaded part of any relationship unless things get boring. I’ve been in the same relationship for 4 yrs and we are comfortable, but we aren’t bored. As long as you still go on dates and do new activities/day trips things should be fine. Being comfortable isn’t a bad thing.

    • Humdilly

      I like planning special surprises like a surprise pit-stop on a road trip or a homemade meal when my SO gets home from work. It’d be even better if he liked to do the same thing :) working on that part!

      • Sydney Bristow

        This is a great idea too! My boyfriend and I leave each other post it love notes on the front door sometimes, which is always a sweet surprise.

          • Humdilly

            Also things like trivia nights, happy hours and other weekly events out are fun.

            Group outings remind me of our beginning dating stage. I get the butterflies feeling that MH mentioned above when I see my SO interacting with his (our) old friends. It reminds me of how loved he is and how much of a catch I have.

          • Sydney Bristow

            He’s much better at it than I am and surprises me with a flower from the garden on the table at dinner, candles in the bedroom, planted a ton of my favorite flowers in the front yard, put jelly beans on my plate during breakfast on easter, etc. Sometimes it’s about making the ordinary moments magical or taking the time to recognize the beauty of simple things.

    • anonypotamus

      I second a lot of the things above (keeping the bathroom door closed, etc). I also find that when I get involved in new activities, it’s often energizing, and I bring that back to the relationship (and vice versa when he tries new things). Sometimes we end up doing something new together, which is always fun. Also, as unromantic as it seems, we still schedule date nights, and often try and do it where we meet each other there (often it’s after work, so logistically it’s easier). It makes it seem more romantic and builds the suspense a bit more. And Sydney Bristow – I love the post it notes! We leave them for each other on the bathroom mirror. I think the key is to just do something different, even if it is just a little thing.

  9. Anon

    Reposting from the earlier thread, wondering if anyone has any reviews of Dr. Michael Warren, an obgyn in Manhattan? Also, has anyone delivered at New York Presbyterian/Columbia Medical Center? The one on 168th street on the west side, not on the east side. Thanks!

    • Anon

      No reviews.

      If you are looking for an obgyn in NYC, as opposed to committing to Dr. Warren or NYP/CMC, I delivered at Mt. Sinai and used an obgyn in their faculty practice. Very satisfied with my obgyn and the hospital. Let me know if you want more info.

      • Anon

        Thanks. I’ve been to Dr. Warren before and like him, just wondering about pregnancy related reviews.

        • AIMS

          Try ZOCDOC – if he’s listed, there may reviews. Also, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask if you could speak to a few patients to see what their experience was like. The office may have someone who would be willing to share her experience.

  10. Anon

    Question for the hive: on some of my button up shirts I have noticed armpit stains that look similar to an oil stain. Instead of yellowing, there is a patch of fabic that looks like it has an oil stain and when I put my fingers behind it and I can see through it. What the heck is going on? My deodorant has never done this before..

    • Anonymous

      It’s probably deodorant build up. When mine get that, I scrub the spots with grease-cutting dishsoap, then wash in the hottest water I can and all is well in the world again.

      • Abby Lockhart

        I’ve been having great luck getting greasy stains out with Fels-Naptha soap. It might work here, though the recommended dish soap is also great at cutting grease.

      • Rising 2L

        I use a similar mixture, but I use my regular dish soap (Planet, which is clear) and it works on all colors.

  11. Anon

    My husband, who tends to be a pessimist anyway, has been really down lately. He’s a lawyer by training and did practice (at a small firm and in the federal government) for about three years. Since then, he’s founded two start-up companies. The first never really got off the ground. The second is currently gaining some traction although there are still a number of factors that could turn it into a success, or kill it. We’ll probably know by early 2014 if the newer company is going to be truly viable. He has said that this will be his last start-up for awhile and if it doesn’t work out, he’ll find a job with a stable salary (I supported his start-ups, but it would certainly be nice to have a co-earner in the house).

    His worry is that he won’t be able to find a decent job again. He doesn’t want to go back to practicing law, but is fairly open to other options, except that he doesn’t believe that any exist. We live in the DC area, and it is tough to think outside the government/law firm box, although I tend to think that there are options out there that would be a great fit for someone with top-notch legal pedigree plus real-life business experience. The Hill, the SBA, small business lobbying shops, think tanks, etc. He just can’t see it and says that, sure he has a skill set, but it’s the same skill set as thousands and thousands of other people in the DC metro area.

    My questions are: (1) Is there someone who could help him figure out what his skills are and how they could be applied? He went to a career counselor once, but that was really just things like Myers-Briggs etc. I’m frankly thinking of someone more like the author of the Defining Decade, who seems to provide both therapy and career counseling. Is that a field? (2) Is there some type of job that we aren’t thinking of that would be a great fit for someone with his background? What are good paths for people who’ve left law (besides blogging or doing legal recruiting)?

    • Anonymous

      Why not contact the author of the Defining Decade and ask for a local referral? Or ask her if there’s a field of career counselor + therapist wrapped together.?

    • Anon

      My first thought is consultant – either business or legal consulting. There are also lots of different options within consulting firms too like business development, research on new trends, etc.

      I just want to throw this perspective out there – I think a lot of people in our age group get hung up on what our “hard skills” are and think that is all we have to work with when looking for a job. In reality, most companies are just looking for someone who is SMART, which your DH clearly is. He just needs to find something he is excited about. If you are smart, you can learn the job it is as simple as that.

      I would recommend he look at the book Howard’s Gift. It was similar to Defining Decade but I liked it better.

    • anonymous

      Big consulting firms offer legal consulting services to the public and private sector. There may be some opportunities in corporate risk & compliance, as well.

    • Coach Laura

      A good excecutive coach/life coach could help your husband with these issues. While most are not therapists, some are and I’d look for one who has a therapy background. That type of coach would also know if/when your hubby needed a true therapist for the depression.

  12. Katy Beth

    TJ: I graduated from law school in the last 5 years and it just so happens that a peer from law school is now a judge in my district. She’s about my age (25-35). We are facebook friends; she has continued to maintain her facebook in the same manner as before, posting pictures of her kids, boyfriend, drinking, socializing, etc. I feel she should be the one to do something, such as delete her account or at least limit what she posts, but she has not. Do any of you have personal policies or suggestions on how to handle this? Should I delete her, limit her, never comment/like her stuff, etc.?

    • Anonymous

      How does her facebook page even affect you? If you are really so concerned about it then I would hide her so you don’t see her posts.

      • Anonymous

        This has obvious implications. Although it’s the judges responsibility, not yours, to do something about it, it can still affect you if you appear before the judge.

        For example: In this case the Ethics Advisory Board ruled that the judge can’t be friends with lawyers that appear before it.

        “Irresponsible or improper conduct by judges erodes public confidence in the judiciary. A judge must avoid all impropriety and appearance of impropriety. A judge must expect to be the subject of constant public scrutiny. A judge must therefore accept restrictions on the judge’s conduct that might be viewed as burdensome by the ordinary citizen and should do so freely and willingly.”

        http://www.jud6.org/LegalCommunity/LegalPractice/opinions/jeacopinions/2009/2009-20.html

    • TBK

      Are you a litigator? (i.e., are you likely to appear before her?) If not, I don’t think you need to do anything different. If you are, and you’re wondering about an appearance of impropriety, I might just refrain from posting on her wall or commenting on/liking any of her posts. But maybe someone with more background in legal ethics (including bar/bench relations) might want to chime in.

    • Statutesq

      My state has released ethics opinions on judge/lawyer facebook interaction and judicial ethics opinions on a judge’s facebook use. You may want to check your state’s resources on how to handle.

    • Bonnie

      I don’t think she has any obligation to delete her facebook account, especially since it does not sound like she is posting anything related to work. If you are so bothered by her posts, unfriend her.

    • Katy Beth

      Sorry for the lack of facts, but yes I am a litigator and likely will appear before her at some point in time. And dang, yes she does post work related stuff on a pretty routine basis; vague references but if I was in the “in” then I could certainly pinpoint exactly what case she’s talking about. I also searched ethics opinions and unfortunately there isn’t one on this issue in my state and other states completely disagree. I don’t exactly want to go through the process where opposing counsel makes an issue of this and therefore I guess the more conservative approach is to delete her. Thanks for the insight, everyone!

  13. Baby woes

    I had a miscarriage 3 years ago. It was awful at the time but I had got over it as much as anyone ever does. I am the same age as Kate Middleton and for some reason the royal baby news is hitting me hard. I haven’t been able to tear myself away from the coverage and when they appeared together on the hospital steps I started crying because it felt like I would never have that – either the relationship or the baby.

    My OH is depressed, scared of any kind of commitment and needs a lot of support. I love him but I also can’t imagine having children with him as I’m pretty sure I’d end up being the one supporting everyone, him included, with no support myself. He is terrified of me breaking up with him and I worry what he’d do if I did. Due to medical issues my doctor has warned me if I want children I should probably start trying in a year. My friends are having babies.

    I just needed to vent. Life is hard. That is all.

    • L

      Please consider therapy. You may just be sad at the moment, but there are a lot of things in your post that therapy may be able to help you address/make life a bit easier.

    • TBK

      No advice, but somehow the whole Kate thing has hit me hard, too. Maybe because news of her pregnancy got out just around the time we were realizing that it was taking too long for us to conceive. And that in that time, she pretty much got pregnant and had the baby. I’ve also had friends get pregnant and have babies in the last 18 mo or so, but somehow the whole royal baby thing feels worse. No clue why, but just wanted to say you’re not alone in that.

      • L

        TBK, one of these days when my schedule clears up, I am going to buy you a drink. You’re one of my favorite posters here and local, but I hope that by the time I’m able to, you won’t be drinking. I’m cheering for you.

        • TBK

          You are so sweet. And you totally made my day. Maybe we need another DC meet up soon.

          • Bonnie

            We do need another DC meetup. I’ll send out an email later tonight. Email me at dccorpor**** (fill in hte *s) at yahoo dot com

        • Houston Attny

          I love this. What a wonderful sentiment – “I hope that by the time I’m able to, you won’t be drinking.” :)

      • OP

        The royal baby thing is weird, isn’t it? I had a good friend announce a pregnancy yesterday and it didn’t affect me nearly as much. I’m sorry you’re struggling – I’m pulling for you.

    • Anne Shirley

      Def therapy. Because although you care, you can’t hold yourself responsible for him if you break up. That’s his to deal with. Is he in therapy? Could you try a yours-mine-ours set up?

    • Anon for This

      I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I think it’s understandable because it’s all anyone is talking about/it’s everywhere.

      On a personal level, I’m feeling like this lately with respect to relationships. Many of my good friends are getting married and I’ve had 3 FB friends get engaged this weekend so I’m feeling bombarded. I’m trying to stay positive about the good things in my life but I think it’s tough when you feel like the world is flaunting the things you want in front of you but you can’t have them.

      • also anon for this

        I feel exactly the same way. All my friends are freaking out about getting pregnant, and I’m still single. Intellectually, I know it’s really painful to struggle with infertility, but all I can think is, “At least you have a husband!”

        I feel terrible for even posting this, but I had to put it out there. You are not alone.

        • anon for this as well

          before i got pregnant and was struggling with infertility, i would look at my single friends and think, Hey, at least I’m married. And then I’d feel really bad about that. So don’t feel so guilty, I’m way worse.

          • also anon for this

            Ha!

            Anyway, I’m glad you got pregnant and your infertility woes are over. I do recognize how hard that can be as I see friends go through it. I guess there are struggles at every stage in life.

          • anon

            ha. this is horribly mean, and yet very honest at the same time. i secretly think all of my married friends are having this exact same thought about me. every time i share a success, or discuss an accomplishment, i think there is an element of “well, i would be jealous of her, but at least i am married.” not that i want my friends to be jealous, but i wish they would stop looking at me being unmarried as a failure. i knew i wasn’t that far off base when i suspected this!

    • MaggieLizer

      If you want children and don’t want children with him, dump him. The relationship will only get worse once there are children involved, and having a baby ASAP is not worth sacrificing your happiness. If you’re concerned about his mental health, encourage him to get into therapy, but you cannot be held hostage by someone else’s mental issues.

      It IS possible to find someone to have children with within a year, but you have to be really focused on your dating efforts. If that’s not something that appeals to you, you could look into getting PG on your own. And if that’s not something you want to do, there’s always adoption down the road when the time is right. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you really do have a lot of options here.

    • Anon

      You want kids. You want kids soon-ish. You don’t want kids with your SO.
      I can’t imagine how tough this must be, but it’s pretty clear that you need to break up with him. If he does something to himself, that’s on him, not you. You can’t let him hold you hostage – what kind of relationship is that? Find a therapist to talk thing through with, and let him down as gently as you can. Also, look up Captain Awkward – it’s an advice blog that deals with similar issues. You’re only responsible for yourself; you’re not responsible for his reactions.

    • SoCalAtty

      Married, but I feel it too. Mostly because I can’t even decide if that is what I want! I’m still doing the “what if, what if” dance, and then “what if I wait too long and then it will be too late?” dance starts.

      No matter what your position, life is pretty brutal sometimes. TBK, hoping for sucess for you soon!

    • OP

      Thanks all. I am in therapy and he is in therapy. He won’t do couples therapy, I suspect because he realises it would expose irreconcilable differences. My therapy has managed to get me to the stage where I have realised that we should break up but haven’t been able to make the decision to do so yet. Or to voice it to anyone other than my therapist, maybe I posted this because I knew what you would all say.

      Up till now in my life I have been pretty decisive when it comes to ending relationships but not this one. I also have a copy of too good to leave, too bad to stay in my Amazon basket but haven’t pulled the trigger yet. Attachment is a terrible thing when it goes wrong.

      • TBK

        Have you considered getting your eggs frozen? The process is apparently much more effective these days than it was in the past. It could buy you some time.

        • OP

          You know I’ve never even thought of that. I’m not sure if it would be an option in my particular case but I should really stop sticking my head in the sand and start facing up to it and thinking about these things. Thanks!

    • new york associate

      I just want to chime in. I’m married and am due with my second child this week and the royal baby stuff hits me hard too, because I look at Kate Middleton and just think about how gorgeous/classy/organized/rich she is, and it makes me feel like a pretty inadequate/unattractive/disorganized/not rich mom. She’s just about our age and while I generally think she’s a great princess (as princesses go), it’s hard not to see her and draw comparisons. So hang in there, ladies – we can all feel equally inadequate in comparison to her.

    • Marilla

      Late comment, but I just wanted to comment on your last paragraph and especially this: “He is terrified of me breaking up with him and I worry what he’d do if I did.” This is very dangerous thinking and a good way to sacrifice your life on the altar of someone else’s immaturity or emotional problems. I stayed with the wrong guy for an extra year and a half after realizing I wanted to end the relationship, because I was convinced he would fall apart and quite possibly commit suicide. Once I finally ended things, he was totally fine. He also found a new girlfriend (a really sweet girl) within a few months. I hope he’s doing well and I wish him lots of happiness, we were just wrong for each other in a lot of ways, but it’s a lesson to me that you are ultimately not responsible for anyone’s life/happiness other than your own. You deserve a partner who will support you instead of dragging you down. I hope you find the courage to go after your own happiness and well-being! (I know this can be so hard. LOTS of hugs to you.)

  14. Hungry

    I eat too much. I HATE feeling hungry; if I’m even a little hungry, even while I’m cooking a meal, I will snack. You know that bursting feeling you get around Thanksgiving? That’s, like, most nights for me. I like feeling full and I like the happy lethargic feeling that goes with it. I love food. It doesn’t matter if I’m already full, I will keep eating all night. I’d eat all day long if I could; the only thing that stops me is that I bring a limited amount of food to the office. But during my free time, there’s really nothing I would rather do than sit around with nothing to do but eat and watch terrible TV. Eating is my favorite pasttime.

    Obviously, eating all the time has consequences. I’ve gained weight and I really want to start shedding the pounds. I try to work out, but I get easily discouraged that I don’t see results because I’m still overeating. All these diets say you can lose weight without being hungry, and let me tell you, that’s total BS. How can I fight the hunger and my bad habits to get used to eating a normal, healthy amount of food? Has anyone gone through anything like this? What do you tell yourself in a moment of weakness when you just want to eat ALL THE NOMS to keep yourself on track?

    • Anne Shirley

      I feel this from time to time- for me the need to feel stuffed is heavily linked to stress. Talking a walk after dinner is my favorite solution. I’ve also heard great things about Overeaters Anonymous for this.

    • espresso bean

      I know exactly what you mean. I come from a family of eaters that loves buffets and stuffing ourselves at holidays, so I grew up always wanting to feel full. It caught up with me as I got older, and I had to pretty much retrain myself as an adult so I knew that it was okay to feel hungry. It’s not easy!

      Do you count calories? I would recommend starting there (I really like the Lose It! app) to see what you’re currently eating in a day and how that matches up with what a person of your height and stature should be eating. I noticed a slow weight gain over several years and asked my doctor what the deal was. She said I should look at how much I was eating and cut back a bit. I’m a very healthy eater (mostly vegetarian with some fish and chicken, lots of whole grains and produce), but I just like to eat so much that my portions were out of control. I had to teach myself what healthier portions were. At first, it was challenging. I felt hungry all the time. But once I stuck to it for a few weeks, I started to get used to the new rhythm and actually felt grossed out when I stuffed myself.

      Anyway, I don’t know of an easy solution, but that’s what worked for me. Good luck!

    • Anon

      The more you overeat, the more your stomach thinks that that’s the normal amount of food. When you start eating normal portions, your stomach thinks, “hey, where’s the rest?” It’s going to do that for a while. If you really want to stop overeating, you need to let your stomach get used to the smaller portions. It will suck for a while, but then your body will adjust and you’ll start feelingly pleasantly full with normal portion sizes.
      You might also try Overeaters Anonymous. I think they tend to focus on binge eaters, but there will probably be people there who are or have been in your same boat. Good luck!

    • Jenolen2161

      Wow, are you sure we’re not twins separated at birth? This is me too! I love the feeling of being full — and being full all the time. It’s so bad that when I was seeing a therapist, I suggested that I might have a food addiction (if that’s possible). I, too, have gained lots o’ weight in the past few years, but that’s from stress (hubby’s emergency heart surgery, a health scare for me that landed me in the hospital, a chronic illness that makes me feel like I’m tired 110% of the time), plus my general nature of I’d rather be reading a book than sweating.

      How does anyone eat satisfying things that aren’t rabbit food (lettuce makes me ill) and not be ravenous she-beasts?

    • BB

      I understand this too because I love to eat. The trick is to make it through two weeks without beibg stuffed and you will be more used to it. To help, find some low cal snacks. Fruit or salad is always good. My secret is Gerbers toddler puffs (can’t remember the exact name but they are little star shaped fruit flavored puffs) I know it sounds weird but they are just filling and carb tasting enough to satisfy and the whole can is like 200 calories. :)

    • Susie

      I don’t know if what I went through was similar, but I struggled with bulimia in my 20s. If I ate a little bit of something “bad” I felt guilty, decided I should purge it but then I might as well eat more before I do.
      Are you drinking enough water? Maybe if you drink more it will make you feel a bit more full without calories. Also I haven’t tried, but perhaps a diet plan like Volumetrics or similar would work for you.

    • mascot

      Hunger pangs last about 20 minutes I have found. So if I can ignore it for 20 minutes, it passes and I can move on. How about liquids? Really upping your low calorie liquid consumption might fill up your stomach a bit more as it adjusts to eating smaller portion. Or, if you love the idea of eating something crunchy, sub the high calorie snacks with fruits and veggies. That helps with the physical part. As for the emotional part, a few visits with a counselor or support group may help change your thoughts.

    • Anon

      I’m with you on this, since I am you but probably 10 years in the future :( I didn’t control my eating and didn’t exercise much after having kids and now I am easily 30 lbs overweight. I work out most mornings and am fighting to lose some of the weight I’ve gained. What do I tell myself when I want to eat more? I tell myself that I feel sorry I cannot wear any of the beautiful sheath dresses and most of the lovely clothes Kat chooses daily. I’m not plus sized, but yet I don’t look good in many, many things. I wish I had chosen differently when I was younger so that I could wear all these beautiful things and look good in them. If you give yourself a chance to substitute an exercise session, it may be come routine and perhaps even enjoyable-it did for me! Good luck

    • Olivia Pope

      This was me too! Honestly, eating large amounts of food makes me so happy. Gaining so much weight that none of my clothes fit…not so great.

      I haven’t completely changed my ways, but I’ve halted the weight gain. I’ve been the same weight for six months! I haven’t lost any, but I’m not exercising so that’s expected. Here’s what I changed:
      – Drink tons more water. My “hunger” is often thirst.
      – Stop eating when I’m not hungry anymore. This was very hard. But now I only get “stuffed” for special occasions, even if that special occasion is dinner with the DH every week or so. Better than every day!
      – Cook dinner more. When go to restaurants, I am so tempted to eat like crazy.
      – Keep fruit and nuts around for snacking. I love the taste of almonds. Eating a handful of almonds and drinking water holds me over very well. Or an apple and water.

    • ML

      :(

      I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. My H is like this too. Thing that have worked for him: 1) volumetric eating (low calorie, high volume like soups, vegetables, oatmeal, etc); 2) paleo eating. He loves meat, so getting to eat all the meat he wants makes him feel better about not getting to eat bread. And, he can get really full on meat with relatively few calories (like a pound of ground beef versus a box of cereal); 3) counter intuitively, fasting, or intermittent fasting. He finds fasting for 12 or 16 hours helps him “reset” his stomach so he’s not constantly snacking, and helps him remember what “real” hunger is as opposed to just not being super full.

    • momentarily anonymous

      I’ve struggled with binge eating for years but have finally turned a corner. Bingeing is not quite what you’re describing, but I’ve experienced many of the same feelings.

      – Track your food. Every thing you eat. Even if you’re not actively trying to lose weight. It makes you more mindful about what you’re eating and more present, and makes the eating more a decision than an automatic response.

      – Tracking also helps eliminate “well this day is already ruined, eating wise, so I might as well continue eating all night!” mentality. You’re probably not consuming as many calories as you think. If you see them written down, you’ll realize that if you eat normally the rest of the day you can stay within a normal range of calories (which will at least help you maintain).

      – I second the above commenters ideas to simply maintain your weight for a few weeks/months, rather than immediately launch into a diet. It will make you feel more in control, most likely.

      – Exercising is key for me – exercising helps me feel more in control, it burns calories, it makes me feel good about myself regardless of what I weigh.

      – I’ve tried volumetric eating before (low calorie, high volume) because it imitates that fullness. I switched to a 3 meals per day plan instead, that focuses on calorie dense food. It’s made a world of difference. My stomach shrank, so it doesn’t expect to be filled with large quantities. Eating the three meals allows me to eat a lot in one sitting at both dinner and lunch, which satisfies my need to eat a lot. Protein rich foods like meats/cheeses/etc keep me full in between.

      – Most importantly, I saw a therapist. I only went 4 times, but he helped me address the underlying anxiety driving the eating and think about how I can reduce the anxiety, rather than how I can stop eating so much. And that was really what I needed – to eliminate the trigger, not the symptom.

      • Jenolen2161

        Scarily, I think I go through binges. Or at least what feels like binges. I’ll lose track of time and how much food I’ve eaten until later, then realize I’ve downed tons o’calories and food, feel horrible, give up on whatever “plan” I was trying at the moment, and start all over. And this has been going on since, well, forever. I’ve always been heavy. Now I’m really heavy.

        Guess I should heed what other people have suggested and get a therapist but sometimes I’m just afraid to: what if it doesn’t work? What if I’m where I’m now and nothing works? It’s the reason I never tried Weight Watchers (in my head, that’s my last resort) because if I fail at that, then I’m truly out of options.

    • Book Recommendation

      I might be too late in posting, but I’ll let you know what worked for me. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it mentioned here before, either. I suggest the book “Eat For Health.” It is written by a physician who believes in an almost completely vegetable-based diet. (Hope I didn’t lose you with that last sentence!) I have adopted his eating-style (he does not use the word ‘diet’) and was astonished how well it worked. My favorite foods are the same as everyone else: pasta, pizza, cheese, chips and any form of sugar. I’m not going to lie – it was a struggle at first to get used to mostly vegetables and I still eat limited meats, cheeses, and other things. But after a few weeks I felt better than I had felt in a long, long time. Bonus was losing weight. Like, melting off kind of weight, without feeling hungry – try 20 pounds in six week – not even hungry for a second. No joke. After getting used to it, I’ve turned down many foods that I would’ve jumped at before. It took a drastic change in my eating habits, yes, but I suggest you read the book (the book is essential to understanding why he recommends this eating style) and give it a try for six or eight weeks. If you don’t like it, you can always go back, and it’s been revolutionary for me.

      • anon

        i agree with the sentiment of this comment, and appreciate the book recommendation. i will probably read it, although for the most part, i already eat this way. my story is this: after college, i started feeling like i was gaining weight, and this feeling grew worse over the first few years of working. diets just did not work for me. at the same time, my long term boyfriend moved to a new city without me. i realized then that it was time to start taking care of myself, and that included joining a gym and eating healthier. i enjoyed going to the group classes at my gym, and so i stuck with it. i started thinking of food in terms of health, instead of just a way to lose weight. i read some books, ordered some cookbooks, and started cooking most of my meals. my big focus is on getting in as many vegetables as possible with each meal. summertime is definitely the easiest time of year to do this, because you have so many options. anyway, my weight isn’t even an issue now. i didnt have to restrict myself, or limit certain foods. i think the key is to frame this to yourself as being about health and taking care of yourself. once i stopped thinking of weighing more than i wanted to as an appearance problem, my strategy and commitment level changed.

    • ty

      I feel like this all the time too. I’ve always loved to eat, but it only became problematic when I started grad school a couple of years back. For me it’s a reaction to stress I think – I can feel satisfied in this one thing at least, even if not intellectually or emotionally, or something along those lines – and it doesn’t help that I like messing around in the kitchen – but knowing all that doesn’t make it easier to skip the cookie right now. What I’m trying now is to stop snacking but not otherwise restrict my meals – and to tell myself that it’s okay to be hungry. And find a different stress coping mechanism.

  15. Jo March

    Ugh. Major vent.

    So it turns out that when my ex emailed me to say “Do you want the rest of your stuff that is still here? There is your old horseshoe, some mail, and some other stuff” he also meant all of my childhood /teenager pictures and pictures I had of my parents when they were young. Given that the last box of stuff I’d picked up from him seemed to have actual garbage, and that separating picutres would have invovled a whole lot of effort on his part, it seriously never occurred to me that he meant the pictures. So I told him I didn’t need the horseshoe or the mail and that if I hadn’t missed other things since I’d been gone, I probably didn’t need them.

    And now it turns out that he is pretty sure he threw them away. But he won’t even know for weeks at best and months at worst, because he is doing a house reno and the box where the pictures *might* be is in storage for the foreseeable future.

    Sitting at my desk pregnant and crying. Poor little Baby Bhaer will never get to see those pictures of me.

    • Jo March

      And true to form, somehow it’s my fault. He emailed me to tell me that now he feels even worse than he usually does, “and that’s saying something.”

      Ugh. I am clearly well gone from that relationship but it seems that he continues to make me sad and angry and frustrated years after leaving :(

      • Sydney Bristow

        This is totally not your fault! I’m sorry, that just sounds awful.

        Is it possible to find anyone who might have pictures like the ones he had? Family members, your childhood friends, your parents friends? Maybe put a call out on Facebook asking if anyone has old pictures of you or your family and have them send copies.

  16. SV in House

    Can any of the Bay Area ladies recommend a doula in the south bay (San Jose)? Trying to help out a friend that just moved here.

  17. Frye Lust

    Y’all, help me! I have a gift card burning a hole in my purse and post-baby feet that don’t quite fit back into my Justins. I’ve been wanting a pair of Frye boots for a while, but can’t quite narrow it down b/c they are all so lovely. The Justins are western, lizard and black. I don’t need a replacement (I can wear them out to dinner and not to do too much walking in, so I may grimmace and bear it for a while, maybe). I am also prone to getting sucked into to pretty pictures, so on my own I might buy a boot that would look perfect in a sundress for picnics on the back of my boyfriend’s pickup (and be 18 again, which I am not).

    Any raves / recommendations?

  18. anonymous

    So my husband just got fired.

    I know he’ll land on his feet- he’s very ambitious and skilled and he’s already been talking to recruiters and setting up interviews. But he LOVED his job and I can see that deep down he’s devastated.

    I feel really overwhelmed by the whole situation- trying to figure out how we will get by on just my income, trying to stay supportive, but I just feel sick in the pit of my stomach all day.

    Has anyone been here? Any advice for us?

    • Anonymous

      Yes. In my case my DH was miserable at the job so there was at least that, but when I went to tell my coworker when we were catching up, I burst into like huge, huge tears. It was hard because I wanted to tell him, my best friend, how terrible I felt and how nervous I was, because thats what I usually do. So first step, make sure you have an outlet for you like your mom or best friend, who you can talk to about being upset, mad on your DHs behalf, and scared. Second, its great that he is already setting up interviews, but I would encourage him to have a few days of relaxation. Its emotionally very hard to lose your job. If he is the type that needs to be busy then it makes sense, but if you think he would want to make sure he knows he can take a few days. Second, file for unemployment right away (Im assuming he was laid off- not fired for misconduct?) because it can take forever for them to get their stuff together. Its tough, but you guys will get through it! 3 months after it happened my DH got a new job that he loves, pays more, and has better people. good luck!

    • RR

      My husband got laid off last fall–his company closed his entire office. I just tried to be there for him while he investigated and talked through all the options. It ended up fine for us. He had another job at a company he used to work for (that’s in a much better place now) the next week. But I think being willing to listen to him talk through things meant a lot.

      • anonymous

        Thank you both for the kind advice. It helps just to know that other people have been there and bounced back.

  19. Tired Squared

    Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to my health insurance questions on the morning thread! You all definitely got me thinking.

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