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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 245 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Sleeveless Colorblock Shift Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. White House Black Market Sleeveless Colorblock Shift DressClearly, this is a summer dress — but now is exactly the time you're going to get big deals (this one is 66% off) on summer items. I think this would make a great addition to a summer wardrobe — I could see it being fun with a navy blazer (to play up the pink) — or, if you're adventurous, trying it with an orange or red blazer or cardigan. (Beige or gray would also be safe bets here, I think.) The dress is rated well (4.5/5 stars with 48 reviews) and is still available in sizes 00-14. It was $150, but is now marked to $49.99. White House | Black Market Sleeveless Colorblock Shift Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)  

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. NOLA

    It may sound strange, given where I live, but I am much more likely to buy warm clothes off season than summer clothes. I am firmly into sweaters/boots season and wouldn’t consider buying something like this. I think it’s because we wear our summer clothes for so long that we want to burn them by October.

    • Houston Attny

      I agree. It’s hard to imagine buying this thinking of March when we could wear it because, well, we can wear some summer things even today! (It’s high of 77 here.) But when it’s boots/sweaters/tights/scarves season (even if it’s for 2 days and then the next day, it’s 80 degrees) – happiness!

      • TO Lawyer

        Haha guaranteed if you lived in a cold climate, you would feel the opposite. I don’t buy summer things off-season either but because it’s depressing that I can’t wear it for 6 months since it’s starting to get COLD. I would love to wear sweaters/boots/tights without needing them to warm me up since it’s arctic temperatures from here on out. (I’m being a little melodramatic as Toronto winters are not as bad as winters elsewhere but still – I’m SO jealous of your warm weather)

        • Houston Attny

          I believe it, TO Lawyer. I just see pictures of snow and shiver. When it’s in the 50s, you’d laugh at us. We wear our scarves and turn on our heaters!

          • oil in houston

            completely agreed! I’ve lived in both Canada and Texas, and believe it or not, I have the scarf and the hat on today!

          • NOLA

            I grew up in the great white north but have lived in the south waaay too long to tolerate cold. I also live in a raised house without central heat. I did turn on my gas wall heater this week when it went into the 40s – but that was partly so my cat could curl in a ball in her fleece bed next to the heater.

          • Equity's Darling

            We’re expecting 15cm (6 inches, if you prefer?), of snow by tomorrow. And it will be “feels like -21C” (-6F ?) tomorrow morning.

            I need to figure out how to move south.

  2. Health Q

    Hi all, starting off with a tough question this morning.

    Do any of you have some form of autoimmune disease? I am pretty much self-diagnosing at this point, although my mom does have MS and I have basically all of the symptoms I read about (which are certainly aggravated by stress at the moment). I am thinking of taking the step of getting checked out, but I was curious to hear how you learned you had AID, whether you had any mis-diagnoses, and how you are working with and treating it now.

    • Anne Shirley

      I’m curious about the downside of just going to the doctor? Even if you’re worried about a misdiagnosis getting you off to a bad start, opening that conversation has to happen at some point. I share a few health problems with my mom, and have been successful with going to her doctors- if they are convenient to you, I find it gives them more context so we can hit the ground running.

    • Cb

      I was diagnosed with lupus quite young (15) and they went back and forth between lupus, fibromyalgia, and rheumatoid arthritis. It definitely goes through ups and downs, including blood clots which were no fun. I’m pretty well maintained on antimalarials long term and painkillers when it does flare up.

      Stay away from doctor google, look up recs for a rheumatologist and go talk about your concerns,

    • Anon

      I have ITP, which is an autoimmune condition that causes a low platelet count and increased risk for bleeding events. It was diagnosed a few years ago after I found myself covered in bruises and was treated with steroids and then a splenectomy (there weren’t really any problems or questions about the diagnosis itself). No sign of recurrence now (knock on wood), but I’m always on the lookout. I would suggest going to a doctor you can trust and being honest about your concerns – it can’t hurt to get a medical opinion about your symptoms, especially if it does turn out to be helpful. You can always get a second or third opinion if you need one. Hope things go okay for you…

      • Agent99

        Hey there, I had ITP for years as well. It was a struggle, as it took a long time to find a treatment that would work (I eventually had success with Rituxan — an unpleasant treatment experience but my platelet counts have been normal for going on ten years now, so well worth it). Luckily never had to have a splenectomy. I know what you mean with being always on the lookout for recurrence — even now whenever I get a bruise I have to stop and think about where it came from or else I worry my platelets are low again.

        To the OP: I found that once you knew what the symptoms/ treatments/ things to avoid were, it was easier to have a plan and carry on with your life, making adjustments as necessary. People are resilient. The uncertainty around the initial testing/diagnosis is the worst part, IMO. So definitely worth a trip to the doctor for a workup.

    • jc

      I have RA and it took me a very long time to get a diagnosis. I was 21 when I was first diagnosed, but I had symptoms for probably about a year or so. This is how it is with many autoimmune diseases, so I think it’s good that you are getting a head start considering your family history. They can run blood tests that are relatively easy that may be a good indicator especially considering you have symptoms. It takes awhile to get used to the diagnosis and get on the right medicine regimen. I am essentially in medicated remission (I use enbrel and at one time, methotrexate but was able to come off it). Good luck and feel better!

    • LizNYC

      I have MS — relapsing/remitting. I (apparently) had symptoms for years, but was officially diagnosed after going to the doctor for what I thought was a back issue (half my body was completely numb — I thought I just overpacked my overhead carry-on and tweaked my back!). Two MRIs with/without contrast later, two neurologists later (the first one was a nightmare/tool), and I had an official diagnosis. And possibly the best patient/doctor relationship I’ve ever had.

      OP, if you’re in a major metro area, there’s probably an MS Care Center near you. If you’d like to chat, feel free to contact me at liznycr e t t e at the mail of google.

    • Ru

      I have asthma and allergies. Throughout my not so fun experiences with doctors, many of them tested me for autoimmune diseases such as lupus since so many of my symptoms sound like classic presentations. I don’t really want to know if I have one so I haven’t been to a rheumatologist yet. Maybe once caffeine stops working.

    • MJ

      I have had very serious exercise- and allery-induced asthma since as long as I can remember…babyhood. It has been a trial at times, but is largely controlled, and, frankly, is just a part of me…I can’t imagine myself any other way. I have been severely ill a few times in my life, and it’s hard for people who know me “the rest of the time” to believe that I am really that ill, since I can “look” fine but be majorly looped out on asthma drugs. I have perspective on it now, but sometimes you really need to go on medial leave and take care of yourself. I have tried to fight my illnesses with, at times, really bad results. The older, wiser me can now see that ignoring or trying to keep up my normal routine when I was really sick was really stupid. Sometimes you need to call it and just admit that you’re sick. Also, several more serious autoimmune diseases like RA run in my family, and I too am scared to get checked out…Hugs…

  3. preg anon

    I am obsessed with pink and red together, like this. Banana Republic has a beautiful red tweed dress with pink trim. Again, too bad I’m on a shopping ban.

    • Anne Shirley

      Thought: are you really on a shopping ban? If you’re keeping up to date with Banana merchandise, it sounds more like a buying ban. Which is so much harder for me than just not buying stuff because I’m not in stores on online looking.

      • HSAL

        I like this outlook. I need to be better about not casually clicking over to store websites “just to see what’s available.” If I don’t need it, I don’t need it just because it’s cute/on sale. I’d prefer to never know it existed.

      • emeralds

        I like that way of thinking about shopping vs. buying bans. I really need to enact a shopping ban.

      • A Nonny Moose

        Unsubscribing from flash sale emails and moving all other sale emails to a separate folder that I rarely check was incredibly helpful for me.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegel Friday’s!!!! I LOVE FRUEGEL FRIDAY’s and this color block dress! Thank’s to Kat for teaching me what a color block dress is! I love this one, but like the OP, my Dad has put me on a shoppeing ban until AFTER BLACK FRIDAY! FOOEY! b/c there are alot of sale’s goeing on in the City now, and he has put a credit card block on my Amex and Visa card’s. That mean’s the onley way I can shop is with CASH, but he sees my debit card activity EVERY day sent to him by JP Morgan Chase Bank. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      Myrna asked if we can go on a doubel date sometime next week. She met this guy at the NY Marathon, and he is very atheletic. I don’t remember his name, but this guy has a freind, Vikram, who also is a runner who want’s to meet me! Vikram come’s from SRI LANKA, which is in Asia, and he work’s for a Wall Street firm and he does computer programming. I hope he is not like our teck guy, who sweat’s alot and like’s to stare at me. FOOEY! But I will meet Vikram b/c Myrna thinks he has potential for me. We will see each other this weekend and I will get more information.

      In the mean time, Fred is goieng to take me out to an ITALIAN restrunt, and Micheal called about bringeing in some food from his DELI. To bad he does not run the 2nd Avenue Deli or I would probabley marry him! Oh well, b/c the guy’s workeing there are freindly to me and I would not want to see them DISPLACED were Micheal to buy the place.

      Dad had to go to his INTERNIST yesterday b/c of another IBS issue. Mom say’s it is b/c he exersizes to much and his tuchus is sensitive from all the horseback riding he does now that his day’s are free. If anything you would think that the horseback riding would kind of keep thing’s in place, but evidenteley not. Dad says that he is goieng to get his own FITBIT and start walkeing if the horseback riding is making the IBS worse. With all the ribbeing Dad give’s mom about her tuchus, mom say’s it is ironick that Dad’s tuchus is causeing all of these probelem’s!!!

      Anyway, I have to figure out how to handel Micheal and the Judge. I think I will get Myrna’s opinion tomorrow! Have a great weekend everyone in the HIVE! YAY!

  4. Romey

    Any recommendations for robes for men? I’d like to get a robe for my hubby for Christmas. TIA!

  5. Also in Academia

    So, new job that requires I wear more suits . . . I really like the fit of Talbot’s curvy pants, but a lot their suit colors are limited to things I already own. I’m a pear, 10 on top/12 on bottom . . . any recommendations about other brands that folks shaped like me have found?

    • Willow

      I am required to wear a suit every day, and I am shaped like you (same sizes, too). I have had the best luck with Ann Taylor, although the quality has been declining in the past few years. For pants, you should try the Curvy pants.

      • ADS

        I’m in this club, too. The BR Martin pants work better for me because I also have saddlebags. The Ann Taylor Curvy pants somehow make my saddlebags look more pronounced, so they don’t work for me.

    • Merabella

      Did I write this? I’ll be watching this post, because I have THE HARDEST time ever finding pants.

    • Holly

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having lots of suit in some colors. Some women I work with almost exclusively wear one or two color suits. When I started working I bought suits in like every neutral and now I’m working more towards limiting it to 2 colors. Talbots has a number of different jacket cuts out right now.

      And I do love the Talbots curvy pant, they’re my favorite wool suit pants that I’ve found so far.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I’m also a pear – 4/6 on top, 10 on bottom – and I just bought a Lands End washable wool suit that I’m extremely pleased with. The pants are lined, which was a surprise given the price-point, and the overall cut was really flattering. (Downside, it only comes in black and navy.)

      The BR Martin pants also work well for me, as do the Jones NY Sloane pants (although the Sloanes are not lined, so I generally don’t buy JNY unless it’s on deep discount).

    • Esquared

      Have you checked Loft? They usually have 1 or 2 suits and I found they fit me well when I was a 10 bottom /12 top. Some seasons they add weird things like ruffles to their suites, other times they look amazing… so it is hit & miss.
      Also, Macy’s is pretty great because you can buy suit separates (good for disparate sizing) and I’ve generally liked the Calvin Klein ones.

    • CKB

      Find a tailor. I don’t know how much it costs to have the waist taken in on pants (I sew & take in the waist on my pants myself) but being willing to have your pants tailored will open up all kinds of options for you as it is a relatively easy alteration to do, depending on waistband, pockets, etc.

  6. anonymous

    How do you know when it’s time to leave a job, particularly in terms of opportunities for professional future advancement?

    I currently work in biglaw as a junior/midlevel in an area of the law I love, and while I’m not sure I want to make partner, I want to be in a place where when I come up, I think there would be the possibility that I could.

    However, at my current firm, I am fairly confident I could never make partner here (no female partners in my practice area, no institutional support for making female partners, more resources and client development opportunities directed towards men). When would be the time to make the jump in terms of class year? Are there things that I could do in the meantime to better position myself to make a jump to a different firm? Also, how does one assess partnership opportunities as a lateral?

    • Romey

      I’m not a partner so this is advice coming from a junior/midlevel as well, but I would say that now is a good time to go. You’re far enough along to bring immediate value to wherever you go, but yet you’re still junior enough where they’ll be able to train you in their own “style”. It wouldn’t hurt to start looking around for opportunities now. Talk to your colleagues at other firms. Learn about your practice area at these firms and see who the partners are – are there any women? Any people who didn’t start out at that firm from day 1? Networking is a good way to learn about this stuff but you can also find a recruiter that you trust. I really trusted mine b/c another friend had used her and highly recommended her, and she also went to my law school and graduated with several attorneys at several firms I was looking at.

    • Anon

      If you like the firm and are getting good work in your practice area, I strongly suggest you go to partners in your group, tell them you want to make partner and ask their advice for things you can do to make that happen (besides “good work”). In particular, ask about business development opportunties. I wouldn’t write the place off because there are no women partners in your area – as much as it’s nice to have role models who are women, there’s no reason men can’t be good mentors. I’m not trying to make light of your perception that the firm is throwing more opportunities towards men, but it can be very challenging to integrate yourself as a lateral so I think you should give this place a shot if you’re getting good work/the people are decent.

      • a lawyer

        As someone who stayed at a firm, albeit very small, with no female partners, if you do not feel the fit, I would not recommending staying. I mistakenly thought things would change over the years, that I could singlehandedly change the macho male bias (I was young and naïve), and while I am not terribly unhappy, I am not really happy, either. I realize that much of this is due to my still-existing insecurity and desire to fit in (I’m reading the weekend thread piece with interest), but if at this point in your career, you have doubts, I advise seriously considering a move now or in the near future. Now is probably a good time in your career to make that move.

  7. help me hack my energy please!

    Hi ladies! I am pregnant with #2; my first is still a toddler. I am EXHAUSTED lately and trying to figure out how best to hack my energy. (Just entered second tri last week so this should be doable.) Here is what I’ve been doing:
    – 7:30 wake up
    – 1:00 pm hit sleepytime lull. Push through until 2 because of work.
    – Occasionally try napping from 2:00-2:45 or so; generally lie there awake unable to fall asleep.
    – 4-8 taking care of my toddler/dinner/household (no opportunity for napping).
    – 8-9:30 — falling down tired. As in, if I close my eyes while standing up I will pass out. I push through to make it to 9:30 because going to bed before that seems sad.
    – 9:30-?? – Second wind! Even if I am in bed I lie awake, finally drifting off around 11:30 last night.

    This just seems dumb to me but I’m too tired to figure out how to be smarter about this. I suspect I should be getting up closer to 5:30 and then taking a longer nap earlier than 2, but it’s hard to get up earlier when I fall asleep so late because of the second wind. Can anyone help me hack my energy?

    Oh and if anyone’s curious about caffeine/exercise — I’ve allowed myself one cup of coffee first thing in the morning (sometimes I drink far less than that though), and I try to get a workout (even if it’s just a walk or quick video) in no later than 2.

    • Merabella

      I have never been pregnant, and I don’t have a toddler, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but what are you eating? Maybe you aren’t getting enough calories for you and baby so not enough to fuel you through the day. Also, you are growing a baby and taking care of a toddler, so exhaustion seems pretty likely in this scenario.

      • Anon

        I am pregnant with my first and figured out pretty quickly that I feel severe exhaustion and generally crappy when I do not eat enough protein (like at least 60-70 grams per day).

    • Mpls

      Maybe instead of focusing on napping between 2 and 2:45, you take that as zone out time. Close your eyes, listen to music, but don’t try to go sleep. Just let you mind wander. Sometimes a nice zone out works as well as a nap. Drink lots of water, since that never hurts.

      If you are tired at 8/9 – go to bed! You are growing a person and that’s hard work. Who are you trying to impress with your later bedtime? It could be that if you’re in bed before 9 a couple nights a week you might be able to do later than 9 the rest of the week.

      • Brant

        I have an infant and relish the days when I can go to bed at 8pm. No shame here!!

    • meme

      Go to bed at 8 when you’re falling down tired. You’ll have more energy during the day instead of wasting 8-11:30 dragging then staring at the ceiling. It’s just part of early pregnancy. It will pass. I slept 8-8 whenever I could during about weeks 8-16 of my pregnancies. After that my energy levels naturally improved.

    • Pam

      This seems pretty easy to me. When you are falling down tired at 8, go to bed! There’s nothing wrong with that! Pushing yourself to 9:30 seems to be the problem here, and that’s a simple fix. Just don’t do it!

      • hoola hoopa

        Seriously, this. Don’t try to do any more than you can. Pregnant+toddler is exhausting!

        Nearly all my energy went to work. I didn’t like it, but it was a necessity. First child and I would watch tv together when I got home while partner made dinner. We all ate together and did bedtime routine together, then I went to bed!

        • help me hack my energy please!

          Thx guys — I think my fear is that if I go to bed at 8 I’ll be ready to party by midnight, but I suppose biphasic sleeping would at least get me more quality hours in my day…

    • Iron?

      You may be borderline anemic — I had my iron levels checked when I was tired (dramatically so, and I usually can power through my tiredness) and they were low. I ate more iron rich food (my stomach doesn’t handle iron-containing multivitamins well). BURRITOS! I did well enough to donate blood recently with no ill effects (just more burritos).

      FWIW, I have children 20 months apart (so a bit on your schedule) and was pregnant-tired in the first trimester but not the second.

    • ADS

      Where is your SO/spouse/partner in all of this?

      What is s/he during that “toddler/dinner/household” 4-8pm chunk of time?

      • help me hack my energy please!

        ADS – he does the vast majority of heavy lifting when he gets home at 6:30 — but it’s still a two man job to have a family dinner (even takeout), clean up said dinner, and get the toddler to bed. If he comes home on the early side (5:30ish) he does encourage me to take a nap.

    • PinkKeyboard

      I don’t have kids (and am not pregnant- inferfility for the win!) but i’ve been going to bed at 9-9:30 for years now. I would go to bed when you are tired. You are making another person. If you start waking up earlier than great, if not then just value your sleep!

    • Much ado

      I was similarly exhausted when I was pregnant with #2 when #1 was still a toddler. For me, naps were the key. (I luckily had a door with a lock on my office.) I found that a 20 minute nap was far better than trying to tough it out. At the end of my pregnancy, I was at 2 naps a day. (Both very short, but totally necessary.) Try to figure out a way to sleep when you’re tired.

    • Diana Barry

      Go to bed earlier! No shame in going to bed at 7 or 8 when you are pregnant. :)

  8. Shopping Recs

    I need some good recommendations for brands/stores. I am about 5’7” and very thin, but very curvy (like hourglass shape). I can’t find clothes that fit me off the rack anywhere. I am specifically looking for things like they sell at Loft (and that price point). I want mid-quality basics and fun things that aren’t too trendy or crazy and can go from business casual to weekend casual. The stuff there is cute, but so boxy and oversized I can’t wear anything fitted. And I can’t wear petite sizes because the lengths are too short. Does anyone have any suggestions?

  9. Miss Behaved

    Boston meet-up: Thursday, November 21st, about 7 pm. Location to be determined, once we get a better idea of how many people are planning to attend.

  10. Lady Tetra

    Size 14/16 ladies: I never thought J. Crew things would fit me, but I ordered a Tippi sweater in XL in their most recent sale on a whim, and it fits wonderfully! And everyone else who has recommended them here is right — they are the perfect weight to wear under a suit.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Yay! I pulled the trigger on a JCrew suit last year and was worried that it wouldn’t work for me but it did. It was an exciting moment for me. I’ll look at the sweater. I think they are currently doing another 40% off sale items sale again so hopefully it’s included.

    • Charlotte

      Yup — I have them in at least 6 colors, and I wouldn’t hesitate to buy more!

  11. Wondering

    Boston ladies – any recommendations on a good, not too expensive florist that will deliver a bouquet on Monday to a friend who works downtown and who just made partner?

    • Ghostess

      Try Winston’s, they’re on Federal Street near South Station (downtown). I don’t know about their prices but they are very professional and have a good reputation. Also consider checking yelp for price estimates.

  12. PEO

    Are there any PEOs on thissite? I was just initiated! I’m passionate about improving access to education for women, so I feel really blessed and honored to be a part of this organization.

    Any tips on how to get the most out of PEO or other charitable organizations? I’m in biglaw so it can be tough to make it to meetings and events, but I definitely want to keep up a presence in the organization even when I can’t physically be there. Any advice on how to do that?

    Also, should I put PEO on my resume? Thanks!

        • lawsuited

          Professional Engineers Ontario is my first hit in google, but I’m not sure they have a particularly big focus on access to education for women, so I see how some context from the OP could be helpful :)

      • OP

        PEO is a women’s charitable organization based in the US and Canada that promotes educational opportunities for women, with a focus on higher education. We have a women’s college that provides two- and four-year degrees, and we also have a number of scholarships and low-interest loan programs for women to further their education.

        On a personal level, my local chapter has an incredible group of dedicated, hard working women from all age ranges who are all incredibly supportive of each other. I’ve really enjoyed the sense of community that I’ve experienced personally and that I’ve seen the sisters share. When my bff (who introduced me to the chapter) had surgery, the entire chapter pitched in to cook all of her meals for weeks, walk her dogs, help with cleaning and laundry, sit with her while she was recovering, and pretty much do anything she needed help with. I’ve gotten to meet a lot of women that I never would have met in my daily life, and my life is definitely enriched by their friendship.

    • Etc

      I am not a member, but my grandmother was a member until she passed her mid-90s. She was involved throughout her life and found it deeply satisfying. Congratulations.

  13. Another Kat

    Reposting from yesterday: I’m looking for 1.5 inch almond toe pumps and every shoe in my shipment from zappos hurts somewhere. I’ve never found the perfect shoe. Unfortunately not many stores carry heels this low.

    What shoe problems can be fixed by a cobbler/the break in period and which are deal breakers? Slipping out of the heel, pinching at the vamp, pinching of the toes, heel too narrow, shoe leather too stiff?

    • New Girl

      Stuart Weitzman has some cute kitten heels. I can’t find the pair I bought a few years ago but they are comfortable.

    • prof on a bike

      Slipping out of the heel is definitely fixable with a heel grip, and with the other problems I’d say it’s a matter of degree. I’ve definitely had success slightly stretching out the toe box and/or vamp, and usually leather will loosen up a bit, but I’d consider buying a pair of shoes with one of these problems to be a bit of a gamble.

      One thing that often works for me is to buy shoes in a wide width (to get the extra room in the toe box and vamp) and then add a fairly substantial heel pad to narrow up the heel and keep my foot from slipping.

      Also, I know you said you were looking at 1.5 heels, but have you tried the Payless Karmen pump? It’s a higher heel than what you’re looking for, but very comfortable, available in wide widths, and dead cheap — I bought a few pairs on the recommendation of ladies from this site and they’ve worked really well for me (and I’m not a high heel wearer, my ideal heel high is usually around 2 inches).

      • Pink

        +1 I also rec the Karmen. I think that the difference between 1.5 and 2″ isn’t much, especially if, as I find, the angle at 1.5″ is actually more uncomfortable for my feet than the 2″.

    • saltylady

      I just bought some Cole Haan 2 inch heels– Chelsea Low. I got them on Nordstrom but they price matched the Bloomingdales friends and family discount and lower price. Don’t have them yet but I’m hopeful– I need to stop with the heels and I need a rounder toe to get away from the bone squish the pointy shoes are causing.

  14. Evil Stepmonster

    My 25-year old stepdaughter announced (via FB) that she is engaged. She followed it up with a text to her Dad (my husband) outlining her plan that involves $20K from us for her wedding.

    She lives with her now fiance and they have a 7-month-old son. She works full time as an RN, so makes a solid living.

    Her Dad and I started dating while she was in high school – so we negotiated the whole new stepmom phase while she was still in teenage attitude mode. Definitely a rough patch. Fast forward 10 years – we now have a peaceful and amicable relationship, but are not close and have never really established a parental relationship (and we live several states away).

    So on the wedding front – I’m the primary breadwinner by far. So the wedding funding will come from my paycheck. Even though we are a couple, I can’t help up weigh my long work weeks that will go to pay for this one-night event to host family and friends heavily comprised of people I have never met and whom are primarily relatives to my DH’s ex-wife (we are not terribly friendly).

    I am stingy evil stepmonster. Don’t full-time working 20-somethings with kids of their own pay for their own wedding, at least in part? Maybe I just have sticker shock and I’ll come to terms with it? DH claims wedding-speak is out of his league and defers to my opinion. I know we’ll end up contributing something, but geez – 20 grand?! And thanks for the graceful FB annoucement and text message follow-up. Evil stepmonster here, get off my lawn kids.

    • anon

      Yes, full-time working 20-somethings with kids of their own pay for their own wedding. It is incomprehensible that she would even ask this of you–parent or stepparent. It’s one thing if you offer, but you are under no obligation to pay for a cent of this wedding.

      If you so choose, you can sit her down and say, “We are so thrilled you are getting married. We would be delighted to pay for the photographer.” Or something.

      • Merabella

        Agreed. As Stephanie from Full House would say “How Rude!” I can’t imagine asking for money in this situation – let alone a dollar amount. I think you can say, we are so happy for you, and we can contribute x amount to this, or we are willing to pay for the rehearsal dinner, or we would love to pay for the photographer for you, but you are under no obligation to immediately agree to her demands. What does your husband say? Did he have that reaction to the $$ amount as well?

        • Houston Attny

          I agree with anon and Merabella (and love the Stephanie Tanner reference :) ).

          I think it’s completely appropriate to say, “we are thrilled you are engaged! Congratulations! We are happy to contribute $5,000 to your big day.”

          My only additional suggestion would be to contribute a monetary amount, not a specific thing (reception, dress, photographer). My thought is that if someone is this, I don’t know, brazen, might she take advantage of this? As in “well yes the photographer is $15,000 because that includes the cake and centerpieces he’ll take pictures of!” (Of course, maybe even thinking this means I’m much more conniving than your step-daughter!)

          • No advice

            +1 to this. I’d avoid unlimited exposure to the crazyiness, especially since you’re in another state and will likely just get a bill (or a text requesting more $).

          • Esquared

            Yes please just be clear & up front at the beginning even if there are bruised feelings! I didn’t ask my parents for money for my wedding (& was totally surprised when they offered to help) but I think just being clear with what you guys are comfortable with is key. We didn’t ask my in-laws for any money either and they kept offering vaguely to help and saying don’t worry and never wanted to talk about it and it drove me NUTS as someone who likes planning things out very carefully! (fwiw they gave us $5k in the end, which was very greatly appreciated).
            Also, it’s helpful if you say, we know you are on a budget so whatever you guys decide to do we will be happy for you and be there to support you on your big day (as in don’t demand lots of strings come with whatever you do or do not give). It is hugely annoying to have a parent give you 20% of your budget but demand 100% worth of your budget for guests they have to have you invite.

      • Lyssa

        I agree with the idea of just offering a single cash gift that you’re comfortable with – she’s an adult and can figure out how to allocate it on her own (but understand that you are giving her that and don’t have a say in what it covers). If that amount is low to counter the presumptive and, quite frankly, spoiled brat attitude that she displayed, I think that’s just fine.

        Also, I would say that stepmom should stay out of it other than private discussions with husband. Husband should be the one who speaks to daughter about it, privately. Otherwise, I think that it would just get everyone all riled up.

    • LilyB

      I would be pissed if I were in your situation. Why on earth would they announce the engagement on fb without first calling to tell their family and close friends? Just so tacky. And then to send a text essentially demanding money for a wedding? If I were you I would not want to contribute a single cent, forget $20k. Sorry I don’t have any actual advice, I’m just sad/mad for you.

    • Equity's Darling

      She couldn’t even be bothered to call you and her DAD(!) directly to announce the news, yet expects $20k?

      Honestly, I’m 26, and for all their craziness, I would never treat my parents that way, nor would I ever expect them to shell out $20k for a wedding.

      If they offered money, great, if they didn’t, still great, as long as they supported the wedding. I’d also probably put my SAHM to work with venues, catering, etc., because she’d really really *love* being so involved with the wedding and having control, but honestly, that’s the extent of my expectations from the parents, i.e. general support for my actions, and time from my mom.

      Then again, I would never want a big wedding, I’m pro-courthouse wedding and spending the $$ on a downpayment or extravagant honeymoon, so….I might not be the best judge here.

      • emeralds

        +1. I’m a mere 25 and I can’t even with that girl. You are absolutely right to be pissed. Demanding $20k by TEXT MESSAGE? No. No. No. Ten thousand nos.

      • hoola hoopa

        +1 I am blown away by this.

        Unfortunately, though, the best thing you can probably do to save family relations is have your husband/her dad be the face of all the negotiations. How does he feel about this?

        I’m thinking the most diplomatic thing you can do is say that $25k is out of range, but you both are so happy to gift them $10k (or whatever). FWIW, I was married in late-20’s, we were two working professionals, and my cash-strapped parents gifted us $5k for our wedding. We didn’t ask or put it in the initial budget; they offered and it was important to for them to do it.

    • No advice

      But commiseration — I will be in a similar boat for a stepchild’s college (and eventual wedding). I do have children of my own, so that tempers things on my end.

      FWIW, that demand is outrageous. At least robbers have the decency to rob you face to face (and a choice: your money or your life).

    • ADS

      She and her fiance are both financially able to pay for their own wedding. Do not pay for their wedding or be guilted into doing so.

      Also, why pay for the wedding of someone you don’t really love and who frankly, doesn’t really love you either? These people are behaving in a really sucky way. Don’t reinforce jerky behavior, OP, and good luck. My sympathies to you and your DH. Glad he’s deferring to you and not adding to the guilt crap.

    • Clementine

      First, Oh honey! It sounds like you’re caught in the middle of a few complex personalities and are treading a dangerous ground fraught with layers and layers of family history. Here’s an internet cup of tea/glass of wine (depending on your preference).

      It’s a total breech of ettiquette for your stepdaughter to ask for ANY money, but for a specific amount is kind of worse. Unless there’s some pre-existing agreement that ‘parent x will pay $20k and parent y will pay $10k’ or something like that, ettiquette wise it isn’t the way things are done… but it’s done and that’s that.

      That being said, you and your husband need to figure amount the amount that you would like to contribute and I would suggest cut her a straight check. The LAST thing you want is for this chick to suddenly inform you that the budget has magically grown by 27% (don’t forget tax and tip with all those vendors!) and now you’re paying $26k or more.

      FWIW- I got married a little over a year ago and we paid for it ourselves. I have a stepmother who lacks both class and tact (you are CLEARLY not in this boat, btw) and the NICEST thing she did for me was politely ask what she should wear and what my father should wear. Emails with photos were exchanged. She wore exactly what she said she would, made sure my father looked good and because of this, our relationship has truly never been better.

    • Alice

      Do not, do not feel guilty about saying no. Or saying what you can afford, and leave it at that. As someone in that age range who recently got engaged, I cannot fathom directly asking parents for money to fund a wedding, let alone a specific dollar amount, let alone DEMANDING $20k!

      Parents are under no obligation to fund weddings.

      If I were your husband, I’d follow up with a “we’re so excited for you, blah blah blah” and then give a specific dollar amount that you will be contributing. Rather than say, for example, we’ll pay for the dress and photographer and then have her go crazy.

    • TBK

      $20k as a parental contribution is a lot. Yes, they should pay for it themselves. It would be a kind gesture if you and your husband offered an amount (that you both feel comfortable with) toward their expenses, or offered to pay for a particular part of the festivities (you’d want to set a price range on this, and would want to be clear that you don’t intend to exercise control over said part just because you’re paying for it). For example, for my wedding, my mother and stepfather paid for the DJ. My father and step-mother bought my gown, veil, and bouquet. My grandmother bought my bridesmaids’ bouquets. My in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner and accommadations for their side of the family. We certainly didn’t demand anything from our families, however; they just all wanted to help us.

    • My Stepkids' Mom

      I am so sorry you are going through this. I know all the emotions — anger, hurt, anxiety, panic — that come up with an announcement like this from a SD. (I inherited mine when she was 10. She is now 18 and a freshman in college 3,000 miles away — yet still controlled by her mom, who has taught her well to disdain me. All her Dad and I ever did was house her, feed her, clothe her, take care of her academic needs, help her with college, take her on international trips — but I digress.)

      It seems to me that if you and her dad are a team, then any discussions about the wedding (planning, finances or other) that she has with her dad must include you. And, in my experience, the only way to make this happen is for Dad to be the enforcer/enabler.

      In other words, SD calls Dad to talk about something weddding related. Dad must say: “Oh, SM and I would love to talk to you about this. She’s at work right now, and I’m in my own office, so let’s plan for a call this evening or this weekend.” Or, if it gets to the email-planning stage, he should include you in all emails.

      She will eventually get the message that if he is involved, you are involved. And she will either get with the program or look elsewehre for support.

      I can imagine that if I were in your position, the hardest part would be that I would be paying for an event during which my husband was treated as second best while mommy was paraded about as the perfect parent for all to see and I was relegated to the other room with the wait staff. Family photos are another really fun part. I get to stand to the side with Dad while SD and mommy have someone take lots of fun pics with everyone laughing and whispering and being happy. Then SD takes one taciturn photo with Dad and announces “we’re done.” None with me, of course.

      At least under my approach, SD will have to look you both in the eye and tell you out loud what her plans are: “Dad, SM, I plan to sit with mom during the dinner and dancing, and the two of you will be seated at the back.” Perhaps if she has to look you in the eye and tell you that while during the same conversation asking for a check, her attitude will change. At the very least, it gives you and Dad and chance to say, “Thanks for telling us your plans. We’ll have to talk about it and get back to you.”

      My SD is too young for weddings, but we had similar drama over college. Dad and I talked privately and decided how much we could afford each year. And then we told her, not her mom, how much we would pay. It was up to her to make up the difference: from mom, from maternal grandma, from loans, from work-study jobs, whatever. This is kind of like anon at 10:56’s idea of “we would love to provide the ___” at the wedding. It shows very poor manners, IMHO, to announce (over text, no less) that her “plans” include $20,000 from you. It should be a request, in person — or at least live on the phone given the distance.

      Good luck.

      • Alice

        I disagree that all discussions about the wedding would have to include the OP! As a SD myself, I would greatly resent a stepparent insisting on inserting him or herself into every wedding planning conversation with my biological parent. It is one thing if OP’s SD has a bad/distant relationship with her father, but her post doesn’t indicate that she does. A person is entitled to have a one-on-one relationship and conversations with a parent.

        I totally agree that it is important for OP and her husband to be on the same page about potential contributions to the wedding, but for OP’s husband to refuse to talk about something wedding related with his daughter without his wife present, seems a bit much! Plus, OP’s comment seems to suggest there isn’t a problem with her husband making financial decisions without her–quite the opposite.

        • My Stepkids' Mom

          Is it OK for SD to demand 20K from stepmom’s paycheck and never talk to stepmom about it?

          I have been a SD (three times) and am now also a SM. It seems to me that if SD wants my money, she should have to ask me for it. And it seems to me that I should be able to ask whether I will be seated in Timbuktu/whether my husband will be part of the photos before agreeing to give it to her.

          I never, never treated my stepmoms this way. Never. My mother (not to mention my father) would have been mortified if she thought she hadn’t raised me well enough to know not to treat someone this way.

          • Alice

            No, I definitely don’t think it is OK for SD to demand $20k from anyone’s paycheck. And if any amount is given to SD from the OP *and* her father, as a couple, she needs to thank both. Profusely.

            However, I do not think “any discussions about the wedding (planning, finances or other) that she has with her dad must include” the OP. That seems to say that if the SD wanted to call her father and talk about planning decisions having nothing to do with finances (like, what color roses are best), her father would have to be like, wait, can’t talk about this without my wife. I think this approach could be destructive to SD’s relationship with her father. Maybe I’m misunderstanding what you meant, though.

            Also, nothing in the OP’s original comment leads me to believe SD was likely to seat anyone with the waitstaff or keep her father and the OP out of pictures.

          • My Stepkids' Mom

            Got it.

            I am perhaps less optimistic.

            SD has already demonstrated poor judgment about how to treat Dad and SM. Given her track record, it seems reasonable to ask her in advance how she plans to treat them at the wedding.

            Also, I agree with “yet another stepmom” (and our stepfamily counselor, and Wednesday Martin, and others) below that any bad news should be delivered by Dad.

    • anon in tejas

      I have some experience being on the other side of this… as my dad remarried when I was a teenager. We had a lot of angst going back and forth over sweet 16 party and graduation party. My parents couldn’t do those things for me for a variety of reasons, but big reason was my step mom didn’t want to. She was out of the country during my 16th birthday, so we couldn’t plan a party without her, and I was told that I didn’t really want one anyway, right? Same thing for graduation.

      I don’t know the language that your step-daughter used… but I can get the feeling that you don’t want to do this– that’s pretty clear from your language. I would honestly suggest that you all have an open conversation with your spouse about what you want to do, what he wants to do and what you can do together. Then approach her and have a similar conversation. I am not saying that $20K is reasonable or you should do it. I am saying that you should probably contribute, and how much is something that you and your husband need to decide apart from step-daughter.

      Yes, she could be a total B and not be reasonable in paying for her extravagant wedding. She could be reaching out because she wants her dad to be a part of this. She could be reaching out because he told her as a kid that he couldn’t wait for this day or whatever.

      You married your husband, and with that came a daughter. Family entails doing things that you wouldn’t rather do, and providing for children that aren’t your own. It may go a long way to helping your husband’s relationship with his daughter if you step up instead of step in the way.

      I feel pretty strongly about it, because of my experience on the other side. So, please take my advice with a grain of salt.

      • ADS

        “Family entails doing things that you wouldn’t rather do”

        Yes, but within reason. “Family” is not the trump card to pull out whenever someone wants to make an unreasonable request. It doesn’t give people who want to take advantage a free pass to run roughshod over others.

        In your case, you didn’t ask for some specific and very high dollar amount. You asked for certain celebratory rites of passage that could have been done economically, and you were stonewalled by your stepmother. I’m sorry you had to go through that but it doesn’t make the OP’s stepdaughter’s request any more reasonable.

        • No advice

          Even if I were Donald Trump, I wouldn’t give 20K to my actual child if he or she demanded it (by text).

          I’d weep to myself for not having raised him or her better.

        • Yet another stepmom

          +1 (for both really)

          Plus, there’s a big difference in providing for children (and I’m including paying for college here) and paying for an adult’s (presumably, but given wedding costs, who knows) extravagant wedding.

      • Batgirl

        Yes, I’m on the other side of this as well and have seen it tear my family apart quite a bit. It’s more about how you say things than it is about what you ultimately shell out.

        I’ll also add that while I think it’s ridiculous for her to demand a certain amount of money and to announce it on facebook, she’s also only 25 so I’d say cut her some slack for the lack of tact.

        Also, I actually think that the fact that she has a child means that she probably needs more help, not less. Why is someone without a child more deserving of financial help than someone with a child?

        Also, the wedding industry has changed QUITE a bit since your time, I’m guessing. It’s very hard to have what most people would consider a standard, traditional wedding for under $25K. I know I’m going to get a lot of “I had it in my parents’ backyard!” responses to this, but looking at yesterday’s thread about how many people got a cool $30K + from family for their weddings, it’s not crazy to say that that has become (the sickeningly crazy) norm.

        I’m not saying foot the entire bill, but I doubt that she’s rolling in dough as a 25 year old RN with a child. My guess is that they’re just making ends meet. And finally, the fact that your husband didn’t prepare for his daughter’s wedding is on him a bit, too. Not that he should have to pay for everything, but it’s his fault that he’d have to go to you for the gift, not hers.

        • DealCube

          Wow. I’m now officially old. “Only” 25? At 25 I may not have had access to FB, but I managed to figure out that big news should be shared with my parents directl. I also was married by then and had figured out to host a wedding I could afford without asking for financial help from anyone (this on a non-profit salary with student loans). I would never have demanded any money.

          Also, even back in my day the idea that a wedding was something that was expected to be paid for by the parents (thus making it an expense the dad should have planned for) was well on its way out. How sad to hear that it has come back into vogue.

          • Batgirl

            I’m talking about having $20-30K in savings by the age of 25. I certainly did not. As for it being an expense Dad should’ve planned for, I have mixed feelings on it. I think some parents expect their children’s weddings to be more of a family thing than a couple thing–many of my friends parents expected to have a huge say in where the wedding was held, which family friends would be invited, etc…and then didn’t contribute much at all. I’m just saying that if the OP is upset that SHE has to foot the bill, she should share some of her anger with her husband if he expects to pay that expense but is leaning on her to do it.

            As for being “only 25” in terms of lacking tact, well, I think i would know better than that, too, but I think that part of the beauty of family is that we should give each other the benefit of the doubt. Rather than go to war over money for the wedding, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and start with a conversation.

          • Lyssa

            This. I’m 33, and 25 does not seem that long ago, in terms of both age and maturity. A 25 year old should be well past the age where she can make adult decisions and meet adult expectations. There are plenty of 25-ish ladies who frequent this site, in fact.

          • Anonymous

            I was going to say- you are speaking to a 25 year old. There are plenty of immature 40 year olds too, it doesn’t excuse the rudness of the 25 year old daughter. This babying of adults is probably how people end up like this

        • Anonymous

          What world do we live in where someone is “only” 25. People are lawyers, doctors, and parents by 25.

          • Batgirl

            And I’m sure we were all the complete perfect picture of tact and grace when it came to relating with our parents. Please. I also know plenty of immature 25 year olds. I’m just saying that before you torch your family’s relationship with your stepdaughter (as my stepmother did with my sister over something much less offensive), give her the benefit of the doubt and recognize that she’s probably seen many of her friends’ parents foot the bill for much more extravagant weddings. The OP also may not know what sort of expectations her husband had set for the stepdaughter. I just think this is all very complicated and that responding from a position of kindness is always a good start.

          • Orangerie

            I’m 25 and I agree with you completely. However, trust that there are PLENTY of people my age who are very immature… and frankly their parents are probably partly to blame.

        • Cynthia

          Being 25 is no reason to not have tact.

          I got married at 22 — barebones, courthouse, did not ask for money or anything but just asked for people to attend. We still got gifts and money but it was as-you-want versus mandatory.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Do you have any other kids? While I think it would be nice to contribute money, I think you and your husband should sit down and figure out the amount of money you want to, can afford, and feel comfortable contributing. If you don’t feel comfortable with $20k (which seems like a lot to expect to me!) the don’t do so. It sounds like you don’t want to contribute an amount that will require you to work a bunch more so think about how much time you’d be willing to sacrifice for this and what amount of money that would be roughly equivalent to and that could be an amount you’d be willing to contribute. But I’d definitely talk it all through with your husband.

      Keep in mind that if you have other kids that this amount should be what you’d be willing to contribute to each kid. I say this as a kid of a blended family. My brother got married when he was 28 and my parents decided that they will contribute $x to each of us for a wedding and that we each get the same amount. They did this with birthdays and Christmas presents growing up so that there weren’t resentments about one side getting preferential treatment.

      I’m one if the people who joined Facebook right away when it was available to college students and I still hate the thought of announcing major news that way. In my opinion it should only be done after close friends and family have been told personally! That way only the casual friends/acquaintances find out that way.

      • No advice

        I do agree, although for any joint children, maybe “family contribution” would be a better concept.

        So, if SD is getting $ from you and $ from mom [and $ from fiancee’s family], that total figure for the wedding would be what you’d have to consider for a joint child’s wedding. Like if there’s a family expectation for a wedding, it is that brides from our family have enjoyed a wedding of $X (so if SD’s mother contributes a lot of money, you’d make that up for joint children but keep your contribution the same for children that were yours and not both of yours).

    • oil in houston

      I second the idea of offering to pay for ‘something’ as opposed to a blank check. I got married in my thirties, and my mum paid for my gown as it meant a lot to her, and my husband’s parents gave us a flat $5k for us to do as we wished. This way they all felt like they were helping (and they most defintely were), but there were no power play or creeping invoices.
      good luck

    • frustrated academic

      Recent bride here, although about 10 years older, as working adults we planned and planned to pay for our wedding and did not ask either set of parents (we have three since DH’s parents are divorced) for anything. The two that could contributed money in addition to picking up the bar bill and rehearsal dinner–one with a set sum (the same amount given to DH’s brother when he wed), and other by paying a rather large deposit and then telling us to forget about it. Parents are under no obligation to pay for their children’s wedding.

      I would suggest sitting down with your husband, settling on an amount that you are comfortable donating, and writing that check. Then it is up to the couple how they want to spend it. Do not feel that you have to pay for the entire thing as budgets grow as plans are made and you could be on the hook for a lot more.

    • Brant

      I got engaged at 24. Married at 25. DH and I planned our wedding such that we could find the entire thing. We knew our parents would want to chip in, but didn’t want to count on anything. My parents offered to pay for the dinner (about $10k); we spend $20k on the rest of the affair, including $9k for our honeymoon (a grand adventure!). His parents gave us $10k kid way through planning to “use for whatever” and also paid for the rehearsal.

      If we ended up paying for the entire thing, we’d have scaled back the honeymoon as well as a few other extras (band, full open bar etc) and come in around $18k.

      I never NEVER in a million years would (a) plan a wedding I couldn’t afford (b) assume someone would be chipping in or (c) approach this very sensitive topic via text!!!

    • Yet another stepmom

      I’d be an evil stepmonster too, because I think I’d feel the same way. The demand is fairly outrageous itself and the way it happened is horrifying.

      Does your SD know the money would essentially be coming from your paycheck? She may just be clueless about how much money that is and where it’s coming from…

      Also, how much is her mother putting in?

      If you do feel like contributing, I agree with the others who say to give her a set amount and let her decide what to spend it on. How much would your husband be able to put towards it on his own? Maybe you could match that and give her that amount.

      On a side note — because my spouse sometimes does this when it’s something he doesn’t want to deal with — it’s not really fair of him to leave it to you to decide if saying no will make you the bad guy and him blameless.

      • LKM

        Yes yes. Your husband needs to step up and have a voice. Otherwise you look like an evil stepmother who is forcing her dad’s hand.

    • Cynic

      “Don’t full-time working 20-somethings with kids of their own pay for their own wedding, at least in part? ”

      Not according to yesterday’s thread on “how did you pay for your wedding.” I believe most or the responders had parents writing checks (maybe minus the baby part though).

      • Old fart

        I got married in my late 30s and my parents paid for my wedding (it was small and cheap — 15K for southern small-town pig picking on a farm with mostly family) because they paid for my sister’s wedding back when she was in her early 20s and had no $.

        Crazy, yes. But if I had demanded $, oh honey, no.

      • Batgirl

        Right, this is sort of what I was trying to get at. It’s funny to me how many people commented yesterday about how their parents paid for or subsidized their weddings only to comment today that this woman is ridiculous for asking them do to so. I get it that it’s the demanding bit that’s crazy, but it was also something communicated to her father–we don’t know the actual wording or what their relationship is like.

        • wildkitten

          +1 It’s not ridiculous to ask for help, and it sounds like this woman and the dad can help, just not the same number that the girl asked for.

          • Deep End

            I think it’s rude to ask for money at all. If they offer, great, but to approach and ask for money seems inappropriate. I got married earlier this year and never would have approached anyone asking for money. My parents offered money, which we declined bc we did a cheap wedding that we saved over a year and a half for to pay 100% ourselves.

          • Batgirl

            I think it varies from family to family. If the parents had paid for her sister’s wedding the year before, I could see her initiating the conversation. I also think a lot of it depends on family expectations (i.e. “you must invite your 30 cousins!”) and your financial situation (a 25 year old RN with a baby doesn’t sound like Daddy Warbucks to me). But CLEARLY she did not go about it in the wrong way–I’m not debating that–I just don’t think it’s crazy that her parents would contribute a bit…not necessarily that much or that they should be happy about how she asked!

        • Anonymous

          Huge difference between graciously accepting an offered gift, and practically billing your parents. How can you not see the difference there? You can never (unless you are under 18) ask your parents or anyone to give you money!! DH and I planned to pay for the whole wedding ourselves. Our parents gifted us 5k, which was great and we were super grateful for. The nerve to ask your parents money is astounding.

        • Lyssa

          There’s asking for help, in the sense of saying this would help if you’re OK with that but it’s not expected, and there’s asking for help in the sense of presuming that you are entitled to it. There’s a big difference there.

    • Anon

      OP, please keep us updated – I want to know how this situation plays out! Your stepdaughter sounds like she’s been acting extremely rude and entitled – please only give to the wedding if YOU want to and if YOU feel comfortable with it.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Talk with your husband. Come up with a number you’re both comfortable with (if it’s zero, cool, just make sure husband is on board), then have husband get back to bratty daughter and tell her “Sorry sweetie, $20K isn’t in the cards, but we’re happy to provide X amount” (or just “Sorry sweetie, that’s a lot of money and we don’t have it” if the amount you’re happy to provide is zero). Let husband be the face of this with stepdaughter (and make sure he knows better than to resort to “oh honey, I’d give you more but Stepmonster says no” if/when bratface starts applying pressure to get more cash out of him).

      • Batgirl

        But note that you don’t get to skip out on paying for any of the wedding AND invite all of your closest friends and family to it on their dime.

          • Old fart

            How do you even begin to invite people to someone else’s wedding? I totally do not get this.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            Some parents take the position that it’s *their* wedding too, and request that everyone they ever met go on the invitation list. It’s happened to a number of my friends.

          • prof on a bike

            Indeed. My parents, for example, were very set on inviting a couple that were our next door neighbors when my siblings and I were very young — I have basically no memory of these people, but to my parents they were very important in our childhood and should absolutely be invited because weddings are about the community that has supported the couple, etc.

        • TBK

          +2 Also, as for the comments about how today people are saying the SD is pushy for asking for cash vs yesterday people saying parents chipped in for the wedding, the difference is demanding/expecting contributions vs graciously accepting contributions as gifts. Huge difference. For example, my husband and I are fully prepared to furnish our nursery ourselves, but MIL has made it clear she wants to buy the cribs. Plus she’s already bought out half a designer baby boutique’s stock of onesies. I would NEVER demand that she give us money for the babies, but I’m happy to accept her gifts as her way of being part of her new grandchildren’s lives.

          • Deep End

            Exactly, this is what I was trying to say. You said it much better than I did, TBK.

    • NYCG

      The only situation in which I could imagine asking for financial help is if my parents or my future in-laws had have strong expectations that the wedding should be fancy, or if they’d add dozens of people to the guest list. I’m wondering of your SD may be dealing with expectations from her mom or her fiance’s family. Regardless, the way she went about her wedding announcement is classless.

      Here’s the thing, though: she is your husband’s daughter and will always be in your life, and this is a very special day for her. I’m not saying you should foot the bill for the wedding, but once you have decided what you’re willing to contribute, try to handle this in the way that results in the least amount of drama. Your DH will have to own whatever decision the two of you make and probably should be the one talking to your SD. He may not like having to step up to the plat, but that comes with being a parent (and not letting you down comes with being married).

      Whatever you decide, try not to think of your contribution as extortion. It’s better to give help in a spirit of generosity, not just for the sake of your relationship with your SD, but also for how you feel about yourself and this situation.

      • OP - Evil Stepmonster

        Wow, great advice, thank you. This is exactly where I need to get – I have to slosh my feelings around in my head first before I can end up there.

        To previous posters – I don’t live near SD, so don’t have a list of invitees. And as an introvert, I am completely pleased to fade into the background and let SD and MOB have their day. Heck, I didn’t even want to plan my own wedding, much less interfere with someone else’s.

      • non

        I agree that the OP has every right to be offended, annoyed, and dismayed. But I would look at the big picture once you can work through the emotions. Even if she has a job as a nurse, paying for a wedding is difficult, especially if she has a kid too. This is one of those big life occasions that matters, and it’s not unreasonable to contribute something to your child’s wedding as a parent, so see if you can contribute something that you feel comfortable with. And don’t frame it as, “we can’t give you 20,000, but we can give you 5,000.” Totally reframe the conversation and extend your good wishes (maybe in person at a celebratory dinner or something) and you or your husband can say you’ve discussed it and would like to support her in her new life by giving her “x” for the wedding. Don’t even respond to her text right away. Handle it with much more class than she has, in other words. Be the adult.

    • Flying Squirrel

      I don’t think all full time working 20-somethings pay for their own weddings (I know many, many who didn’t, including myself), but in your case it’s incredibly presumptuous on the part of your step-daughter. Both to assume that you and your DH will contribute, and to assume an amount. That’s just nuts!

      Just for reference, her approach doesn’t even make sense under the assumption that parents will contribute. My parents are traditional about these things, and I knew from the outset they would pay. That said, I wouldn’t have just planned my wedding and sent my parents the bill. It was a discussion about budget, and we paid for a few things my parents didn’t want to pay for.

    • NbyNW

      @Evil Stepmonster

      My thoughts echo many others here – she is crass for asking, you and hubby should decide what you want to give and either give a $x check or say that you’ll spend up to $X for venue/flowers/food. But I think you have to ask your hubby if he ever “promised” to pay for the wedding. In my husband’s family, the parents always contribute to their kids first home down payment – it’s a tradition going back four generations. If there was an explicit (or perhaps implied) promise, you may want to take a different tactic. Also, did the ex-wife promise too?

      Where I think it gets really messy is if you agree to pay a huge amount and then the ex and daughter do all the planning and slight hubby and/or step-mother. That would be hard to take.

      Other considerations are whether there are other kids (and if so what will you do for them) and is the ex-wife going to contribute. I wish you the best on this but predict it won’t be good.

    • Divaliscious11

      Lots of name calling on the step-daughter here, but do we know what conversations dad and daughter may have had around this issue in the past.
      Lots of opportunity for dad to have said – we’ll help out when you get married dear, just let us know how much you need etc… without going into any detail, because wedding speak is foreign to him etc…

      And unless she is privy to your finances, she may have no idea that you are the primary income earner, or that her dad doesn’t have money saved etc…

      • Ella

        Yeah, I agree with this. As a stepdaughter, I have been very frustrated when my father promised me that he’d pay for things (education in my case) and then backed out because stepmom didn’t want to pay.

  15. Forever Alone

    I’m having a period where I am so frustrated at being single. It feels like I’m never going to meet anyone, ever. I’ve been putting myself out there, online dating, going out, etc but I’m just not meeting anyone. How do I get over it? I like myself, I like my life, but I would like to get married and have kids at some point.

    • ADS

      I was like this for um, 10yrs. I have no advice, other than great empathy. It sucks to be doing all the things you are supposed to do but still be at the total mercy of luck and randomness. You never know who you’ll meet or when. I felt this type of frustration keenly but told myself I’d rather be alone than with someone not quite right for me. It eventually did work out, and I met the man who would be my husband, but yes, it can suck mightily, this seeking-waiting period.

    • TBK

      I felt like this and my solution was to see a therapist for awhile. I figured that, upside, she uncovers some behaviors/barriers/etc. that are hurting me and I fix them and go on to have healthy lasting relationships; downside, she says “nope, you’re fine” and I’m no worse off than I was. Turned out it was the former and I met my husband after seeing the therapist for just a few months. I’m not saying this is your issue, but sometimes getting some real insight on your situation (and not from friends or family, who have their own biases and agendas) can help shift you in the right direction.

      • TO Lawyer

        This is an interesting idea TBK. Can I ask how old you were when you did this? I feel like I could have written the original post about getting frustrated while I’m not meeting ANY decent guys.

        • TBK

          I had just turned 30 (which I’m sure had something to do with it). I met my husband about six months later, and was married by the time I was 32. I’m not saying that the goal should be to rush into marriage, but I was definitely at that point in my life where I felt like I had everything I could want, but I knew I wasn’t someone who would be completely happy being single.

      • Batgirl

        Totally agree with this approach! I did this (for reasons beyond relationships but that was a main focus) and learned a lot about how I perceived myself and blamed myself for all of my problems in dating. After a while, I started engaging with men in a different way–and chalked it up to mismatching personalities when things didn’t work out, not to my inability to love or be loved! And after 1.5 years of therapy (related or not), I ended up meeting the man I’m going to marry. I don’t know that I’d be where I am emotionally without taking some time to break down those emotional barriers I had. But a lot of it is still about patience and faith that you’ll meet the right person for you–and not settling for someone who isn’t a good fit for you. Oh, also, I was basically single on and off (with mini 3-month things here and there) for a good ten years in NYC before meeting my boyfriend! So have faith! I was where you are for a very long time.

      • Anon

        Yes, this. This was me for 5 years; then I did an intensive outpatient therapy program for anxiety. Started dating my now-husband 2 months after it ended. He was someone I’d known for years but I would never have realized the potential relationship or been able to act on it without the help.

    • k-padi

      My condolences. Really. Being single and seeing no ray of hope on the horizon is pretty awful. My best advice (based on experiencing this many times) is to take a break from dating–3 months or 6 months. Read Dan Savage’s letter to teenage boys (NSFW):

      http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=20816&show=comments&sort=desc&display=

      Replace the gender-specific nouns as needed. I don’t like the advice to “do things where you might meet someone.” It stinks to spend 4 hours (or whatever) volunteering or networking or whatever and to come home empty-handed. So do things you want to do.

      Find single friends. It’s easier said than done but one of the things that stinks about being single after all your friends have married is that I felt even more alone because I was surrounded only by couples.

    • anon

      I feel exactly the same way. It is incredibly frustrating, but I find that it helps to just truly do what makes me happy and live life to the fullest and make my life great NOW. I can’t control if/when I meet someone, but I can control the other things. I think there’s a sense that you can’t do certain things until you meet a partner:

      *buy a condo
      *get a pet
      *have a dinner party
      *have an active 30something social life
      *find happiness

      But none of those things are true. You can definitely do them on your own. You only get one life, and this is what you’ve been given right now, so make the most of it and never give up hope. I do think you will meet someone eventually, since it seems that most awesome people eventually pair off, but sometimes certain people just take longer to find each other. Keep looking, keep your options open, continue to expand your social circle, do what you love, and I think you’ll be fine. Just don’t give up hope (at least this is what I tell myself).

      It helped me to recognize that building a happy life and finding a partner are not necessarily the same thing. Ideally, I’ll have both, but I can find a happy life now while I search for the partner.

      Good luck. I think it’s going to work out for us!

    • Jordan

      I feel the same. But Aziz Ansari’s new stand up on Netflix helped me laugh last weekend and honestly I have felt better all week. The best way for me to feel better when I am feeling down is help someone less fortunate in some capacity. But I know what you mean. It’s hard to hear “why are you still single?” etc. Also, a few people are getting divorced which, sorry guys, makes me feel better for not getting married in some past relationships that would have also ended that way too. I also did the therapy thing but it only confirmed what I already knew. I am trying to spend more time with my parents too. Good Luck and you aren’t the only one!

    • 35 YO SF

      Ditto, ditto, ditto. I doubt I will ever meet anyone I want to marry. I haven’t lost all hope, but I’m a realist. As a highly educated, non-white, unreligious woman, my pool of potential suitors is vanishingly small. Finding one who is both single and compatible with me in particular is highly unlikely. It has been interesting and sad for me to see how many men online are only willing to date within their race. I would date a guy of any race. Kindness and intelligence are more important to me than looks or skin color.

  16. Anonymous

    I haven’t been on a date since March and recently signed up for online dating. I wrote back and forth with this guy and he asked for my number. We have only texted back and forth a couple of times over the past month or so. Nothing more than hey hello how are you good you…

    A few weeks ago he texted me and asked “when can we hangout?”
    I didn’t answer.
    Then more recently “we ever chilling?”
    I didn’t answer.

    I was a bit annoyed because I signed up for online dating to go on a “date” not “hangout” or “chill”.

    I’m 34 and a busy professional. Am I being unreasonable?

    So yesterday, I asked him to call me (1st time) and he verbally was VERY hyper and asked again “when can we hangout” and I said, “what do you mean, like go on a date?”

    And he said, “yea you know, meeting a couple of drinks”

    Am I wrong to want a formal date? I’m definitely not going to ask him for one.

    • ADS

      I want to keep an open mind here. Is the guy a lot younger than you? If he’s a lot younger, hanging out is more the norm than a formal date. If he’s roughly your age, he’s being really lame about it. Trying to pretend it’s not a date so if it doesn’t go well, he can pretend he wasn’t rejected or some other insecure BS.

      • Romey

        I’m 30 and married. Prior to meeting my husband, I did match and eharmony for maybe 6ish months. In thinking back about my online dating experiences, I’m not sure if I ever considered the first meeting a “date”. If he wants to meet for a couple of drinks and you’re remotely interested in meeting him, then just do it. You guys barely know each other – you literally haven’t even met in person (sorry for my use of the word literally but I just like using it :)) so just meet the guy and then after that you can determine whether he’s worth analyzing and spending all this time on. Even if you had met in person the old fashioned way, I still think a full fledged dinner and movie is too serious for a first date. Let us know what happens!!

    • TO Lawyer

      I think this is a date. FWIW I think a lot of people call first/second dates “hanging out” because there is less pressure for it to be a formal date which is difficult at the beginning when you don’t really know someone.

      • CountC

        +1 When I was using Match, etc. to meet people, I never ever considered the first meeting a date. I only want to go on a date with someone I am interested in and I don’t know whether I am interested in someone until I meet them. Not excusing his general lameness, but just providing my take on it.

    • emeralds

      You’re not wrong for wanting what you want, and that guy does not sound like what you’re looking for. I, personally, would not rule someone out for using slang, but you do you. I will, though, put in a plug here for meeting for a drink, coffee, or happy hour as a first date, when online dating, as opposed to something more formal i.e. dinner. You just never know what you’re going to get and it’s SO much easier to slide gracefully away after a single cocktail, rather than having to stare at the wall behind your date’s left ear while he rambles on for 60 minutes straight about how he won’t eat anything but chicken fingers and rice because vegetables and any ethnic foods are gross and how he lives with his mom and dad and never gives you space to ask for the bill and what do you think about extraterrestrial life? Would you ever want to be an astronaut? How come you haven’t gone to watch a space shuttle take off? It was the best moment of his life, etc. etc. etc. Ask me how I know this.

    • A

      I don’t like the whole chillin or hanging out. But, I would say at this point you’ve already spent more time thinking about it than it’s worth it. Either meet him for a drink (1 hour tops and then you can decide if you want to talk again), or just let him know you are not interested. I have not done tons of online dating, but I would save a formal dinner date for 2nd date

      • Old fart

        I’d like a first meeting to be something in public with an end point (so no going over to the house of someone as a first meeting — yikes) and hanging out is too vague — when do you get to leave if it isn’t going well?

        Alone with a guy in his place (which is what I think hanging out is) is for a guy I *like* as 3rd-date plus material. Unless it’s a party or game-watching (not good for first dates though — how would you ever talk?).

        I agree — maybe a counter / defining Q like “how about meeting for lunch / dinner this weekend?” If that’s too formal for him, this probably isn’t the guy for you.

        Meeting by hanging out was for college and was done in groups or with common friends.

    • Pest

      I would give the guy a chance for a date and not reject him because he is not using the right language in a text. He’s not making a good impression, but texting and online dating are probably just awkward for him as they are for many people. You can change the tone with a text back asking him out to dinner or drinks or lunch.

      • CapHillAnon

        Right. I get that you don’t like his particular vocabulary on this issue, and if you can’t get beyond it, that’s that. But—if there’s something in your correspondence that is interesting to you, meet him. Call it whatever you want. I’d think that framing a meeting as a casual event would diffuse some of the pressure (and avoid some of what Emeralds mentions).

        If it is a big deal–and you did say that you “want a formal date”–maybe make that crystal clear on your profile? It could still be a filter, but an express one, instead of making the guy guess.

    • Sydney Bristow

      If I can make a suggestion, try putting a description of what you want regarding first dates in your profile. If you want a formal first date (and define what that means to you) instead of a casual hangout then I’d say that explicitly. It won’t guarantee that everyone who reaches out to you will follow through on that or even read it, but it will make those who are on the same page more comfortable. Plus you’ll see whether someone actually read your profile and has an idea about who you are and what you like.

      My first date plan was usually to meet for a drink at a cute/interesting place because I always wanted a quick out if necessary.

    • espresso bean

      You are not wrong. I think this behavior is very telling. If he can’t step it up enough to ask you out on a formal date in the early stages of dating, it doesn’t bode well for how he treats future dates! There are definitely men out there who will ask you out the way you’d like to be asked out. I’d move on and look for them, even if it takes a little longer.

      • saltylady

        I think I would respond with– sure, what did you have in mind? And see what he says. If he’s like, great, do you like sushi and how about a movie, then fine. If he’s like, I dunno, wanna come over? Then no. I think it’s possible that he’s a decent guy who is trying to act cool somehow, but getting it very wrong. Possible but not super likely.

        • Pink

          Agreed. It’s weird that he isn’t doing more than texting “want to hang”? (as in, come up with an activity (coffee! a drink! check out new hot chocolate place!), but perhaps as saltylady mentioned, he doesn’t realize he’s supposed to initiate with a specific activity.

          If you’re at all interested, perhaps, “how about a drink at ___(a location convenient to you) on ____?”

          But it sounds like he doesn’t sound interesting enough for that (which is fair).

          My current bf I met b/c he kept insisting on grabbing dinner, so we did, at place he suggested, and had a great time.

  17. My Stepkids' Mom

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I know all the emotions — anger, hurt, anxiety, panic — that come up with an announcement like this from a SD. (I inherited mine when she was 10. She is now 18 and a freshman in college 3,000 miles away — yet still controlled by her mom, who has taught her well to disdain me. All her Dad and I ever did was house her, feed her, clothe her, take care of her academic needs, help her with college, take her on international trips — but I digress.)

    It seems to me that if you and her dad are a team, then any discussions about the wedding (planning, finances or other) that she has with her dad must include you. And, in my experience, the only way to make this happen is for Dad to be the enforcer/enabler.

    In other words, SD calls Dad to talk about something weddding related. Dad must say: “Oh, SM and I would love to talk to you about this. She’s at work right now, and I’m in my own office, so let’s plan for a call this evening or this weekend.” Or, if it gets to the email-planning stage, he should include you in all emails.

    She will eventually get the message that if he is involved, you are involved. And she will either get with the program or look elsewehre for support.

    I can imagine that if I were in your position, the hardest part would be that I would be paying for an event during which my husband was treated as second best while mommy was paraded about as the perfect parent for all to see and I was relegated to the other room with the wait staff. Family photos are another really fun part. I get to stand to the side with Dad while SD and mommy have someone take lots of fun pics with everyone laughing and whispering and being happy. Then SD takes one taciturn photo with Dad and announces “we’re done.” None with me, of course.

    At least under my approach, SD will have to look you both in the eye and tell you out loud what her plans are: “Dad, SM, I plan to sit with mom during the dinner and dancing, and the two of you will be seated at the back.” Perhaps if she has to look you in the eye and tell you that while during the same conversation asking for a check, her attitude will change. At the very least, it gives you and Dad and chance to say, “Thanks for telling us your plans. We’ll have to talk about it and get back to you.”

    My SD is too young for weddings, but we had similar drama over college. Dad and I talked privately and decided how much we could afford each year. And then we told her, not her mom, how much we would pay. It was up to her to make up the difference: from mom, from maternal grandma, from loans, from work-study jobs, whatever. This is kind of like anon at 10:56’s idea of “we would love to provide the ___” at the wedding. It shows very poor manners, IMHO, to announce (over text, no less) that her “plans” include $20,000 from you. It should be a request, in person — or at least live on the phone given the distance.

    Good luck.

  18. J Crew thinsulate

    I’m considering the lady coat with thinsulate. Has anyone found thinsulate makes a huge difference in warmth in under 40-degree weather. I have been on the hunt for a warm (wool/cashmere) coat for winter under $400 in light colors and haven’t found the perfect coat yet. help!

    • Another Kat

      Can’thhelp with thinsulate in a coat (I have thinsulate gloves and they’re pretty warm) but have you looked at lands end coats? I really like their more expensive one (forget the name, I’m on my phone but I think it’s called luxe) but it sold out in my size before I could get it.)

    • PolyD

      I’d get the Thinsulate. I have this coat and don’t find it terribly warm (30s – 40s are probably okay) even with the Thinsulate.

    • TBK

      I had this with Thinsulate and even in the fairly mild DC winters, I didn’t find it warm enough. The lining is only in the body of the coat, not in the arms. My upper arms always got so cold!

    • roses

      I have it with thinsulate as well, and find that I can only wear it until it gets to be about 32F. Then I need to bust out the puffy coat.

    • backgrounder

      I have the JCrew Metro coat with thinsulate and I don’t think it feels extra warm. I’m in Chicago and when the weather gets below 20 or so I roll out the puffy mattress North Face coat.

    • CapHillAnon

      I have it with Thinsulate, and I love how it looks–but it is not warm. Not at all.
      That said, I always feel elegant in it, wear it all the time, and don’t regret buying it.

      • MJ

        Cosign what CapHillAnon said. I have three Lady Day’s (all bought on sale off-season, 2 for $99 each!) and they are OK if it’s really cold only if I wear an extra layer of thick cashmere sweater under. I like them in the 40 degree range best, other coats for colder, unless I need to look dressy.

  19. hoola hoopa

    Suggestions for an appetizer to share that can be store bought or requires very minimal prep and is not completely unhealthy? I’m attending a casual event (like a book club) at a friend’s house and need to bring something to share. The other food will probably range from chips and fresh salsa to ricotta with honey and finishing salt with crostini. There will be lots and lots of wine.

    Right now I’m thinking nuts. Is that too basic?

    • LilyB

      if you will have access to an oven right before the event, I would suggest wrapping a wheel of brie in pastry puff (like pillsbury type), inserting some type of fruit preserve in the wrapped brie, baking it, and also providing some crackers and grapes.

    • Alice

      Nuts sound like they would go well. If you felt it was too basic, you could always add some fruit (like, sliced pears, maybe wrapped in prosciutto and drizzled with evoo, or figs, or even good applies). Edamame is always good too.

    • silvercurls

      Nuts plus a package of dried fruit? (I’m personally partial to dried apricots but you might prefer to get a variety package.) Looks snazzy & has low-maintenance requirements for being stored or transported.

    • Equity's Darling

      You could do seasoned nuts- like spiced pecans? I use the Alton Brown recipe and umm..I limit myself to making batches in 1 cup, because otherwise, things get a little wild.

    • Statutesq

      Take a block of cream cheese and pour some yummy jam over it (I like red pepper jelly, but raspberry, fig or anything could work) and serve with crackers. So easy, and it always gets eaten up.

    • Anon

      Trader Joe’s has great rosemary roasted marcona almonds. You could always bring a few varieties of nuts, or maybe add in some cheese or fruit (Grapes?), arranged artfully on a plate.

    • saltylady

      Brie with fig jam melted on it. A few markets carry fig jam- it’s in a fancy little jar with a foofy paper cover on the lid. You take the cap off, nuke the jar a bit, then pour over the brie. Plus fancy crackers.

    • Hollis

      I love cheese with wine. Personal faves would be smoked cheddar, havarti, and brie. If you brought a small block of each and a knife for cutting into smaller pieces, I’d eat that and ignore everything else. Grapes are good, too.

    • AttiredAttorney

      Ina Garten has a fantastic roasted nuts with fresh rosemary recipe. Add some fresh herbs to dress up your dish a bit and it will be fine.

  20. Anonymous

    Question for everyone-the past few days at work I have been a nonstop sinus disaster at my desk. I thought it was allergies, maybe a cold, but allergy medicines haven’t been helping and, strangely, every time I stand up and walk around the floor or leave the office I feel totally fine. I’m thinking it might be something with my office increasing the heat this week (in NYC, so this has been the first week we really needed it). Any suggestions on what to do to help? I sit in a bullpen so feel pretty bad for my cubemates being a sniffly sneezing machine, and would rather not feel awful all winter! FWIW, I don’t remember having this issue last year (or at least to the same extenet), and have been drinking heaps of water. TIA-happy Friday!

    • "Allergies" PSA

      Do not sit alone in your office and wonder what is happening. Make an appointment with an internist ASAP.

      I speak from experience, most of it bad. After a lifetime (4 decades) of no allergies and no health issues, two years ago my nose sprouted a mucuous factory. From mid-February on, I was sneezing constantly and dripping vast amounts for no apparent reason. I did not have a cold. I felt otherwise fine. And I said “I have never had allergies.”

      I did not go to the doctor until early May. By then, I had a very robust sinus infection caused by all the mucuous collecting and not draining out and festering. In an effort to avoid surgery, I was on strong antibiotics and steroids from May-September. It did not work (although it did wreak havoc with my stomach).

      I had sinus surgery in September and then saw an allergist. I am writing this from my allergist’s office, where I am sitting having my weekly allergy shots. I now take daily meds (inhaler for breathing, claritin for sinuses, nasal spray for nose) and rinse my sinuses with saline daily. All to avoid another infection and surgery. The shots are a long term preventive measure that we hope will eventually eliminate the need for the meds.

      I hope this is not your issue. But if it is (or if it is something else), you want to find out and start treating it as soon as you can.

      • Godzilla

        I was wondering how you were doing!

        I wouldn’t be surprised if many people are mysteriously ill this year due to Sandy aftereffects. For me, it resulted in no spring or summer allergies but heinous fall allergies. I was always annoyed by heat because of the dust/mold that collects in the ventilation system.

        Definitely visit your doctor and in the meanwhile, rinse out your sinuses. Gross and terrifying, I know. I like this particular product because it’s not so scary to me (yes, even Godzilla gets scared) http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/neilmed-sinus-rinse-original-sinus-kit/ID=prod2598807-product

        • "Allergies" PSA

          I have experience with the NeilMed system Godzilla links to and used it for weeks after my surgery on ENT/Surgeon’s orders.

          After a few weeks, I started having truly disorienting dizzy spells and my head was heavy all the time. My (new! yay! so much better than the surgeon) ENT and my allergist both suggested that routing that much water through my sinuses may be too much for me. They surmised that the water was not all draining out and was instead staying in my sinuses and causing the dizziness and full feeling.

          At their recommendation, I switched to SimplySaline (link to follow). I’ve been using that for a year now, and it is much, much better for me. I spray until I taste saline — because that way you know that you got all the way through the mucous. Then I blow GENTLY. All that disgusting stuff that comes out? That’s what otherwise would be in your sinuses beginning to fester. Better that you rinse it out.

      • MJ

        Also, speak with building management to see if they can clean the ducts of your HVAC. If they can’t, or won’t go to Allergy Supply Catalog (it’s a website) and buy this white mesh foamy stuff that you can cut to fit over the vents nearest you. It basically acts as a filter to catch a lot of the stuff that’s in the vents.

        Also, definitely, definitely take an antihistamine daily…every single day. And then head to an allergist asap, as others have said. You do not necessarily need to take a “D” antihistamine–if you’re already blocked up, sometimes adding the D can dry you out and cause sinus infections. But try to blow your nose a ton, sleep slightly elevated (two pillows or books under the top of your bed) and be sure to take an antihistamine each day. Good luck!

    • Hollis

      Allegra D or Claritin D (or generics). In my state, they are over the counter but kept behind the pharmacy due to potential for abuse. This stuff is amazing – makes you feel and breathe better than ever! And no, i’m not a shill – just a lawyer who has allergies.

  22. PolyD

    I have this dress, it’s very cute. I would say the sizing runs about like Loft’s, although perhaps a bit narrower through the hips.

    My boyfriend was along when I was returning some stuff to White House Black Market, he saw the dress, made me try it on, and liked it so much he bought it for me. It was very sweet.

  23. May's Linkedin woes

    Am I the only person who’s unable to remove a connection off the free version of LinkedIn or is this normal?

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