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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Alice + Olivia really knows how to do a dramatic print, don’t they? This gorgeous silk blouse is a bold and beautiful way to start a Monday morning! I can’t quite explain it, but it’s giving me real Game of Thrones/House of Dragons vibes, in the best way possible.
The blouse is $375 at Farfetch; it's on sale at Saks Fifth Avenue for $225 but only size XS is still in stock.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
anon
good morning! I’m traveling for a one night overnight work trip today ands my lo & sons Catalina deluxe tote is looking a little worse for the wear (I got a light grey color and it is showing all kinds of stains/marks – even despite the dry cleaner doing their best to fix it up). I’d like to replace it with something – any suggestions? I’d like to go a touch more polished/professional than lo & sons but if that’s not available I could always do another lo & sons in black.
Cat
fwiw, I’ve used Dawn and an old washcloth to scrub all sorts of stuff out of my Longchamps. If you want to replace, Tumi and Hartmann are the brands I see most stashed in the corners of the conference room, but hard to advise without knowing what stores you can go to today (?)
anon
Thanks! To be clear, I don’t need it today—just generally replacing it. Will check out tumi & Hartmann!
Anon
My Tumi tote has been a workhorse.
Anne-on
I’m planning on upgrading to a Tumi myself as my older Lo and Sons Seville is definitely showing it’s age. Also if you’re planning on replacing it – have you tried washing it on delicate yet? I soaked mine in dawn and then and then washed it on delicate w/woolite after it looked like it got dumped in a puddle of oil/grease at LGA once. Shockingly everything came off – take out the foam insert/strap cushion but otherwise I didn’t do much else.
Anon
Longchamp Le pliage, the largest size. I have one that folds up to nothing and I can put it into my roller for longer trips, but for a quick trip I can just use it. It has a short handle. I will post a link if I can find it. The fabric is sturdier than Lo & Sons m
Anon
https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/longchamp-le-pliage-expandable-travel-bag-navy-prod235410278
Anon
They also make one with a shoulder strap
https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/longchamp-le-pliage-energy-18-large-travel-bag-prod259490423
Anon
If I am in my city and have meetings and dinners with clients I bring a purse with wallet-keys-phone-glasses in it. But on travel, do you all just use your laptop bag (I have a Seville) as your sole bag for desk-to-dinner days where you don’t go back to your hotel until you are done for the day?
Ribena
Yes; if the dinner is close enough that it makes sense I will leave my laptop etc in the office and go back to my desk to pick them up after eating before I go to my hotel.
Anonymous
If I’m going straight to dinner I bring my laptop bag because there is nowhere else to leave it. I don’t carry a separate purse with the laptop bag. I do bring a small crossbody bag that I use if I’ve had the chance to drop my laptop bag off at the hotel.
Anon
I also have a small crossbody bag that I pack in my luggage in case I can drop a bag off at my hotel room before going to dinner or going sightseeing, etc. Otherwise, my Seville is coming with me. And I got one of the Prima sleeves for my Seville (the smooth leather with the outer zip pocket) so I don’t feel out-of-place carrying it as a regular handbag.
Cat
yes, but I use a clutch inside to keep that stuff together – so that if there’s a coat check and everyone is ditching their laptop bags with their coats, it’s easy to just grab what I need.
anon
My Cuyanya tote is my sole bag – travel, in my home city, anywhere in between. The one exception is if I’m at a conference, as I was last night, and I didn’t need to schlep lots of stuff around to the evening events/dinner. Otherwise, I’m a one-bag girl.
Anne-on
My company won’t let us check laptops – if they’re not with us they need to be locked up or otherwise secured so everyone just totes them to dinner or makes a stop at the hotel first. In the office for lunch I generally just take my id card and phone with a card holder attached to it.
Anon
+1 I can’t and don’t separate from my laptop on travel unless it’s locked up, so yes. I bring a wristlet plus that packs flat so that I can carry my cells and CC when I do have the opportunity to drop my laptop securely.
Anonymous
Mine too. This is so strange to me.
Anon
Yes, I have a fake leather tote from Target as my “work bag” on days like this (other days I use a backpack) so it looks nice enough to bring to dinner. There’s a zippered pocket in the tote which is where I keep my keys, wallet, phones so it’s all easily accessible. I also travel with a crossbody purse so if I have time to go back to the hotel I’ll grab that.
Not allowed to leave my laptop unattended, so if I can’t coat check it.
Anon
Hmm, I’ve yet to go on a business trip where I don’t stop at the hotel first before dinner. And I’m close to retirement. Who are these die hards that go from the office directly to dinner?
Vicky Austin
I’m probably the exception, not the rule, but when traveling with a group of coworkers to client sites, I much preferred going from the client to dinner to the hotel so as to get the “interacting with coworkers” part of my day over with!
Anon
For me, I have clients all over NYC (and now, some are holed up in CT). I stay at the NYAC (and feel poor, but like a Gatsby character), but often am down by WFC enough that I can’t easily make it back. And on some work trips, there is no hotel but staying with parents in the suburbs of DC.
anon
I prefer to eat right away then have the rest of the night to myself. Going back to the hotel first just burns 45 minutes.
I don’t use a purse for desk-to-dinner because I keep my laptop bag either on my person or in my hotel room. Checking it at the restaurant is an unnecessary risk. Maybe I’m paranoid but my coworker once (foolishly) left her bag in the front seat of her rental car and someone broke her window to steal it.
Vicky Austin
I’m in m0d but yes, this. Get me through the interacting with coworkers part of my day and then let me have my evening.
Anon
We often do this with our clients. Plan an early dinner, like 6:00, so that everyone can get back to home/hotel at a decent hour. I mean, what are we doing while our clients are at their hotel? No thanks – we all have families we want to get home to.
And yes, bring your laptop bag. See it all day, every day in DC at the places we take our clients out.
Anon
I’m also close to retirement and I almost always go straight from office to dinner when traveling. I’m usually having dinner with people who are local to that office and there’s no way they want to wait around for me to go zhujj at my hotel room.
Ellen
When I am in the City and I am taking a cleint out, I leave all my stuff in the office and just bring a clutch, depending on the color. If I am travelling and must take a cleint out, I lock everything up in my hotel, and leave all valuable jewelery in the room safe, and then just go out with my credit card, which I keep in my jacket pocket. This allows me to travel light, and also keeps my hands free so that I can carry any leftovers back to the hotel room so that I can eat them later.
BTW, Kat, I love this top, but it is pricey and I am supposed to start worrying more about retirement now that I am over 40. I still love it, but Dad would have my head if he saw me wearing it and asked how much I paid for it. FOOEY!
Anonymous
I use the big Brahmin totes for my work bags, and use one of their wristlets for lunch and dinners out. It fits in the bag.
Anon
Yes I use my laptop bag, which is a Cuyana tote, for everything. The only time I will bring a small purse in addition to the tote is if I know there’s something swanky – I used to attend an annual client offsite boondoggle that had a semi formal dinner. But for a regular meal in a regular restaurant, it’s the tote. Especially if I’m not going back to the hotel to change.
Anon
Is anyone going to SFIG? Is the dress code still mostly business attire? I’m not sure that that crowd will ever go more casual but want to pack correctly. The last time I went was right before COVID and IIRC I wore a lot of MMLF.
Cat
not SFIG specifically but every other conference-type thing I’ve attended this year, people are essentially wearing 2019 clothes with more comfortable shoes.
Anon
This. But also, you see the biggest swings in dress at conferences. If I’m speaking, I’m really pulling out the stops. Same if I know a lot of people there. If I’m just going as an attendee where there’s no need to impress, I’ll tone it down a lot and be comfortable.
Anon
This — after all the talk on this board the first (law) conference I went to post-covid it was the tried and true black bottom with colored blazer formula, or a full on suit, for like 90% of women.
Anon
It would probably help if you said what that actually is and where it is. My guess is no, people here aren’t going to that specifically but if you put in the location you might get some suggestions.
No Face
She’s asking about a particular conference.
Anon
It is annoying when folks use these abbreviations.
Anon
Conferences even in places like Vegas can vary widely in what attendees wear.
Anon
True, but there’s also industry commonality. If she said, for example, it’s a finance conference in Manhattan with 2,000 attendees, she’d get some likely useful input.
Anonymous
Absolutely annoying.
Anon
I think anyone planning to go would know what the abbreviation meant.
Anotheranon
It’s annoying to you, which is a you problem. Go eat a muffin.
Anon
Not everything is about you! If you don’t know what it means, scroll on by.
Anon GC
I went to ACC (Association of Corporate Counsel) in October in Las Vegas. The only women I saw in full suits were speakers or vendors. Among the attendees there was a very wide range of formality but the basic uniform was black/grey pants – both ankle and full length, colored or patterned blazer, flat shoes (ankle boots, loafers, ballet flats, etc.; I saw a lot of Rothys in various iterations).
So mostly business casual. The only women I saw in heels looked like they were under 30. And a lot of them were complaining by the end of the first day (there was a lot of walking because the meeting rooms were a distance from the exhibit hall/dining area).
I wore black pants two days with a blazer one day and cardigan the next and nice jeans with a blazer the last day (which was definitely the least formal). But I was not dressing to impress anyone.
Anon
I thought I was casually looking at new-to-me cars. Then social media starting sending me ads. With close to 10% interest. I am now definitely I am driving my current car a bit longer while I save up (current car is paid off) for an eventual cash (or mostly cash) purchase. Yikes!
Anon
My credit union shows 5.25% for 36 month used car loans. Your plan is a good one, but the rates you are seeing advertised may not reflect the best rates available. Check around.
pugsnbourbon
Another vote for a credit union. We got a pretty good rate through one for our last car purchase (that was about six years ago, YMMV)
Anon
I was just quoted above a 9% at my dealership, but found a credit union with a 3.99% rate.
Anon
I’m on the same boat. My car is a 2012 and I’m holding on to it for dear life.
Anon
Same, for a 2011 car that I’ve been driving since late 2010.
Anon
My car is a 1997, and my wonderful mechanic says I should get another 60,000 miles out of it. I’m planning on holding him to that prediction!
Anon
Just FYI. I have excellent credit (FICO is 810) and I just bought a car last week at 4.95%, which is more than I paid on my last car loan that I took out in 2012, but not as much as I expected to have to pay. (I had a 2% car loan in 2012 but those days are not going to return any time soon, unfortunately.) I had a $6600 trade-in and put $4k down on a $31k vehicle (so financed $21k total) and financed at 48 months, and had no problem getting that interest rate. I shopped around before going to the dealership and got offers between 4.95% and 5.75%. Obviously, the longer you want the loan to be and the more financing you take out, and the less you have to put into the deal, the number can change significantly.
It’s fine if you want to wait to buy – I almost did, until my car started having some engine trouble I knew I did not want to pay to fix – but if you have good credit, the advertised rates you’re being shown are probably way higher than what you could get.
RR
Actually rates are more in the 7-8% range, but yeah, still high.
Anon
Don’t get a loan from the dealer. There’s a bait and switch some dealers are doing these days with an attractive interest rate they talk you into, but then they call you a week later and say you weren’t approved for it by the head office and they need to move your interest rate up. It’s in the fine print that they can do it.
Come into a dealership with cash or your own financing.
AIMS
I am not saying that this is a negative but this blouse feels very much ‘1997 Hypnotize-era Biggie’ to me.
Anon
It kind of looks like a carpet to me, but in a fancy way.
Anne-on
I thought it was 90’s/early 2000s era Versace (Ver-sais) at first tbh. I’m always kind of suprised when mid-tier designers (Tory Burch/Alice and Olivia) do designer imposter style pieces of higher fashion brands – I guess there is no intellectual copyright protection in fashion?
Anon
+1 to Ver-sais. I think it’s time for a perm and some shine serum, no?
Anon
I like it but I am also too young to remember the styles in 1997 (I was 3).
AIMS
I was in high school and I don’t think I could wear this and not do a little dance down the hallway if I wore it.
Anonymous
I have traveled across 6 time zones in the last month for work. Two weeks ago I was two hours ahead, last weekend I was two hours behind, this week I’m back to local time for about a week. I am not used to this and it’s taking a toll on my sleep and keeping “normal” work hours for clients in my home state. I have three more trips planned in the next four months before I can get a long break to q4. Any guidance for making it through?
Ses
I use low doses (.25 mg) of melatonin to reset my clock when I travel, but I also find it difficult, particularly going East.
Also, if the trip is short and going West, I try to keep close to my own time. For example, I might change my wake-up time to 4:30 or 5 am when it’s usually 8am so I don’t have to adjust twice.
Harder to do when going East, but in that case I build in a day of rest before the work day.
Cat
+1 on the going west advice – we do this when we go on ski trips and essentially live on our Eastern time schedule. yes this means we wake up naturally at 5am and are going to bed at 8:30pm, but who cares? YMMV if you need to be out at night for events, though.
Anonymous
Every morning a 20 minute walk outside first thing.
Anon
I’m short and many anti-chub rub shorts show through any above-the-knee dresses I wear. Any good recommendations for brands with 3-5” legs that won’t roll up? The rolling up is visible (just like folded over longer legs) in anything that is draped or thin. In the winter, tights work well but it won’t be cold forever and I need to do better in my dresses when it does. Thank you!
Amelia Earhart
Rather than shorts, have you tried Megababe’s Thigh Rescue? Swipe it on like a deodorant on your thighs and it prevents friction from chub rub :)
Anon
+1 – do you need the shorts to prevent chub rub or to prevent accidental flashing?
Anon
The rub! I wear sensible underwear, so it’s nothing you wouldn’t see poolside at a swim meet.
Anon
I wish! I’ve never had any of those work for me. I have tried before going the shorts route.
Anon
Same here. Just not really an alternative. OP, jockey used to make a shorter inseam on their skimmies. I haven’t bought in a few years, but they might still.
Anon
Not OP but those ointments are not the same as an actual piece of cloth. They’ve never worked for me.
Anon
I started wearing underarmor shorts under my school uniform (a kilt) and under my field hockey and lacrosse uniforms (also skirts) in high school. They worked well for under skirt coverage and also have held up really well (I finally got rid of my last pair, and I graduated high school 12 years ago). I’ve always done the 5″ inseam. They don’t roll.
Im 5’4″ and wear a lot of dresses, and they don’t show under my dresses. Very comfortable. 10/10 recommend.
Anonymous
I like the short version of Jockey Slip Shorts.
Anon
This. The “short” version never shows under anything I wear.
Anon
I know you have said the roll on products haven’t worked for you, but have you tried Monstat gel? None of the other chub rubs have worked for me except this one. I apply in the morning and many days that’s all I need. On particularly hot days or ones where I am walking all day, I will reapply 2-3 times.
TheElms
These have a 4.5 inch inseam (I think they are technically shapewear but I have them and its very mild compression if at all really) and I saw others on the Jockey website with 2.75 inch inseam that are just the regular Skimmies in a short length.
https://www.jockey.com/catalog/product/jockey-womens-slimmers-breathe-mid-rise-short?color=0001
Clara
I bought these shorts from Amazon for this purpose that are very short and dont roll up –
“womens 6 pack buttery soft brushed active yoga stretch mini-bike short boxer priefs”
Weird name but thats what it says!
PolyD
The only undershorts that have worked for me are the Assets brand (cheaper line from Spanx) that I’ve found at Target and Kohls. Every other brand (I’m looking at you, Jockey Skimmies) rolls right up.
The Assets are basically heavy cotton with some elastic/Lycra, so while I wouldn’t say they are cool, I’m comfortable wearing them in DC summers. They do breathe. I’m kind of on the cusp of two sizes, so I buy the larger size and the compression isn’t bad.
BB
Thigh Society has different lengths you can buy, and I they’ve never folded over for me (although I am pretty tall, so YMMV). But I think their fabric is thin enough that the roll up doesn’t happen.
Anonymous
I’m also a fan of the Thigh Society ones. I’m 5′ 4″, if its any help. They stay right where they are supposed to.
Anonymous
I find that really short bike shorts (the kind designed for working out) are more invisible than slipshorts.
shanananananana
Wanted to share as I am somehow sure I am not the only person with stubborn aging male relatives. After years of my father’s hearing going and him refusing hearing aids we finally got him in a pair. The reasoning that finally worked? There is a link shown between unaddressed hearing loss and dementia. If you are checked out of all conversations you start to lose cognitive function and your sense of community.
Vicky Austin
This happened to my grandfather; he gradually lost the ability to have a conversation in his final years and that alone was heartbreaking before the dementia set in. Glad your dad is open to help!
anon
I may have to use this reasoning on my dad. He definitely needs them, says he’s going to do it, and then just … doesn’t.
Anonymous
As someone who wears hearing aids I say they are not that comfortable, have distortion, and not 100% effective. I can’ t wait to take them out when I get home. So don’t be too hard on your family members who don’t want them. It’s not vanity. We need something better.
Anon
My dad finally got hearing aids. But there were a few decades (DECADES!!!) where he clearly needed them. Lord knows what he missed in terms of directions from doctors, etc. And I feel bad for police who pull over old dudes who nod and smile and pretend they can hear.
Cat
can you link the info? I think this would be really helpful in convincing my MIL that she should go for an appointment – she can no longer hear regular volume conversations but is stubbornly insisting she’s fine.
shanananananana
https://tinyurl.com/vatpntnb
This is a link to the John Hopkins summary
Anon
Thank you, I just sent this to my mom to hopefully encourage my dad to get his hearing checked.
Anonymous Grouch
That same argument (and the recent article about this in the NY Times, which he reads cover to cover and regards as the holy grail of all information) finally got my dad to start really using the ones he has. I also read something, and pointed it out to him, that using hearing aids isn’t like just putting on glasses, where you see better instantly, it’s more like rehabbing after an injury where your ear and brain needs to essentially re-learn how to do something.
anon
Great point! And if your relatives are worried about how the hearing aids look show them some modern ones. They’re surprisingly thin and subtle. My bald dad recently got a pair and I barely notice them from most angles.
Anonymous
My dad finally got a pair too and they are amazingly subtle. Only problem is because they are small and my dad won’t wear them all the time (of course), he has a tendency to lose them. BUT he can locate them with his phone! (And control them with his phone).
Cora
What’s working for my dad is to get the latest air pods that have some features that help with hearing. Its not perfect and not calibrated as well as a hearing aid would be, but he’s willing to wear them and it helps.
Anon
Yup the increase development of dementia and depression is what convinced my Dad to finally treat his hearing loss.
Also he is a Costco lover, so the free hearing tests at Costco and the incredible deals on their Kirkland hearing aids won him over. they also have great customer service, easy to schedule appointments that are free and an incredible warranty that includes free replacements if you lose one.
FYI – most hearing aids have historically been very expensive and most doctors were referring their patients to audiologists for hearing tests before getting them. Those audiologists make a lot of their income by overcharging on hearing aids, that they often sell to you directly.
Costs were several thousands of dollars each, not covered by Medicare. So most people still don’t get them because of cost. in addition, it often takes time to get used to them and multiple visits going back to the place you bought them for adjustments. Those visits can be inconvenient and expensive since they often aren’t covered by Medicare. Crazy I know. But hearing aids and hearing loss like this is not covered by Medicare.
But Costco has thrown a wrench into this scammy monopoly and recently laws have been changed making it easy to buy very simple hearing aids by mail and without seeing these pricey specialists. So there are great options. No one should pay $6000 for hearing aids again.
My Dad’s excellent Costco pair was $1400, rechargeable, and you can buy more simple ones online even cheaper. But it’s great to have a place to go easily for adjustments/repairs like Costco.
anonshmanon
Sometimes you (close family member) won’t be heard, and the same message from a different source will. I think my grandma took action after reading in a magazine that you should get your hearing checked when the news anchors start to mumble.
Anon
My dad is a physician and still refuses to wear out. He’s just flat out in denial, and it’s really annoying.
Anon
haha… then you DEFINITELY should send him a link to one of the articles.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8081731/
Docs can be the worst. My cousin was an amazing surgeon, yet an alcoholic and chain smoker and died young because of it.
Ribena
Thanks for this! My dad is beginning to have subpar hearing but hasn’t acted on it yet, despite my mum (four years younger) raving about how much of a difference hers have made. They’re essentially all-day AirPods with transparency mode turned up, I think, but they also connect to her phone.
Anon
I have been burning the candle at both ends, with no end in sight. What are your recommendations for a breather when you don’t actually have time to unplug?
Ellen
You need to figure out what you don’t have to do and then just don’t do it and take the time you saved by not doing it to do something you want to do but haven’t because you were to busy doing all the other stuff you did not have to do. I was you until I learned this from Margie, who is the manageing partner’s wife. She has learned to prioritize and now has all kinds of time on her hands for shopping, mani/pedi’s and lunches in the City, when formerly, she was to busy keeping up her home in the Hamtons and their NYC apartement. She has now delegated both to her live-in nannies to handle, tho she still signs off on all money spent or the manageing partner would get mad at her for being frivilous.
AIMS
I try to get one good night’s sleep a week. Even if it means basically ignoring all social obligations and norms.
Also, I try to automate what I eat to something healthy and easy.
Vicky Austin
Sleep is my key for this too. Just say no to revenge bedtime procrastination!
Anon
Mani Pedi, massage, or a workout class along with outsourcing whatever can be outsourced. You’re pretty much forced to unplug during the three activities mentioned above.
Nora
Ha yes I think this is the key. 100% to you have to get enough sleep, but time limited activities where you can’t really be on your phone and sort of have to be focused on something else are great too. Art classes were also good for this.
Anonymous
Meditation. I am never too busy for a 5 minute sleep meditation in bed.
Ses
I try to focus on highest priority self-care: sleep is #1, 2, and 3 on that priority, and getting outside even if it means walking around my yard while on a call is next.
Clementine
Time outside. Even if its a couple laps around the block in the sunshine. I also believe in the life-affirming shower where you exfoliate and do the full skincare routine.
Vicky Austin
“life-affirming shower” is such a great (and apt!) phrase.
pugsnbourbon
Haha yep! I call this an “everything” shower.
Anon
Thanks for the recs. Luckily no one aspect of my life is overwhelming, it’s just the combination of trying to do it all. I work FT, I’m in grad school PT, I still have a social life and have local family I try to see (I have cut back on both social and family things, but I will not cut them out completely), and I have to take care of myself (trying to get enough sleep, eat well, and exercise. I also live alone so all chores, cleaning, errands, and cooking is on me! I also like to maintain my hobbies, on a much smaller scale than before, to retain my sense of self). I’m very health focused, so fitting in enough sleep, eating well, and some exercise isn’t too hard for me, but that’s because I do focus on prioritizing it.
I’m mostly able to fit everything in without it being too stressful, but I’m just always on the go from one thing to another and sometimes that’s exhausting. I also often have to give up one thing to fit in another thing and then feel guilty about not being able to do xyz.
I have accepted that this is not the time in my life for spontaneity and that I have to be pretty regimented to fit everything in and that I no longer make plans on Friday nights because I have found myself falling asleep on the couch by like 7PM most weeks.
Anonymous
Honestly you’re doing too much! If you’re committed to fitness congrats great that is your hobby for this time.
anon
OK, tough love. You cannot do all the things without burning out in the process. Let go of the guilt. Rest and recovery need to be a high priority, even more so than hobbies and socializing and hard-core exercise. (Keep exercising! But this may not be the time for setting PRs.) Remind yourself that this is a temporary stage in life.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah, I have to agree. I think you might have posted before? Your schedule is absolutely grueling. Your friends and family will understand if you bow out of gatherings for now, and your hobbies will be there waiting for you when you’re done with school. And try to be kind to yourself and not feel so guilty!
Anon
Except that for many people hobbies and friends are their saving grace! If I had cut out hobbies in grad school, my depression would have been rearing its ugly head even more than it already was.
Carrots
If you want to keep socializing high on your priority list, can you suggest friend walks instead of just going to dinner or drinks? Pretend you’re an Austen character and just walk and talk on a trail somewhere.
Anon
This! You need to combine some of your activities. Do grad school homework at a coffee shop with a friend who has work to catch up on. Do an exercise class with friends. Do a study session at a brewery with grad school friends.
Anon
“I also often have to give up one thing to fit in another thing and then feel guilty about not being able to do xyz.”
This is life. Get used to it.
Anonymous
I think you’ve posted repeatedly about this, asking for ideas or tips—but also seem to resist cutting back on anything? (Maybe it’s not you; maybe there are other high-activity, high-social life people working full time and going to grad school who are asking this same question).
The only answer I have is to do less. Don’t burn the candle at both ends unless life forces you to. Don’t choose it as a lifestyle.
Anon
I have a comment below in mod explaining how I fit a lot into my life, but I have several friends in similar boats (we compare tips a lot) so there are quite likely many people here in a similar situation!
Anon
My not-very-popular approach is that you can do it all, but as you said you’ll need to be regimented. I will be halfway through my PT Masters in May and so far I’ve maintained a 4.0 GPA, completed 3 triathlons, performed well at my FT job, and maintained a social life, hobbies, and general adulting. It hasn’t been easy, but if you really want to “do it all”, you can.
1) I fully agree with the recommendations to prioritize sleep. I aim for at least 8 hours 6 nights a week (due to a schedule constraint, I usually only get 7 hours on Tuesdays). If it’s 9pm and I’m home and don’t have anything to do, I’ll go to bed early just because.
2) I have really cut back on things that don’t bring me joy. For example, I almost never watch TV anymore. I have pretty much Kondo’d my life and if something wasn’t necessary and didn’t bring me joy, it’s out.
3) I plan 1 night a week where I chill out. No chores, no HW, no socializing. I take a bath and watch the 1 TV show I follow.
4) I am ruthlessly efficient. I meal prep every week but only have a handful of meals in my rotation. I also have a rotation of work outfits and fun outfits. I wear the same makeup and jewelry most days. I hardly drive anymore and use more public transportation so I can multitask and read. I only workout at my office gym or at home (I have a Peloton) so that I don’t have to waste time walking to the gym. My workouts are still 4-5x a week, but have gotten shorter (more HIIT, less LISS).
5) I am also efficient in my socializing. I meet friends for walks (free, exercise, socializing). My friend and I both paint so we’ll paint together (hobby time, socializing). My friends and I do a weekly potluck. We watch sports at someone’s apartment together. Basically, a lot of things I’d want to do on my own, I just do with friends or family now.
6) During the semester, I never go out of town. It’s sad, because a lot of my closest friends live 2-3 hours away but I can’t justify leaving for a weekend.
A week in my life looks a bit like this.
Monday: HW in the morning. Workout at lunch. HW after work. I have a standing get together with friends in the evening.
Tuesday: AM workout at the gym with a friend. HW during my lunch break. Usually I go to happy hour, either to catch up with a friend or to go on a date. When I get home, I do HW and then relax or go to bed early.
Wednesday: HW in the AM. Workout after work. Standing get together with some friends 3 Wednesdays a month.
Thursday: Sleep in. Homework and gym after work. This is usually my evening to chill. This is usually when I paint.
Friday: No gym or HW on Fridays. I try to briefly meet a friend but be home and on my couch by 7. I go to bed early.
Saturdays: I try to spend my entire day doing HW and do something fun at night. Usually fit in a run.
Sundays: I spend my entire day doing HW, cleaning, doing laundry, running errands, and meal prepping. I try to have an hour at night to relax before bed: facemask, bath, jade rolling.
I try to fit in 1 hour of HW most weekdays + big chunks of it on weekends. I try to do 20-45 mins of working out 4ish times a week, but that doesn’t always happen. I make my meal prep and other chores easy (I tidy up for 5 minutes each evening so that the mess never accumulates. This allows me to clean my apartment in about 45 mins on Sunday). The only in person shopping I do is the grocery store, everything else is an online order to save time. I am always reading a “for fun” book, but rarely read more than a handful of pages a day. It’s nice to read something that’s not school related.
I really need frequent social interaction, workouts, and time to quietly paint for my mental health. If I don’t find the time to do these things, then my mental health suffers. So, I know it’s counterintuitive for me to do so much, but it’s better for me!
Anon
Jesus Christ
Trish
You sound like my son who is also in grad school while working. You can’t fit 48 hours worth of activities into one day.
Ribena
I’m not studying but I have a creative side hustle (writing) on top of my FT job, plus volunteering commitments, and also live alone, so here’s what I’ve learnt:
– as others say, plan relentlessly
– every third Sunday I have ‘duvet day’ as a recurring item on my calendar to remind me to slow down and calm down
– combine things – I get ‘people time’ by writing in coffee shops so I feel less alone and also get writing done – often I’ll go straight from a coffee shop to meet friends for a drink
– take as much of the travel and errands time away as possible – my gym is 5 minutes walk away from home, I get my groceries delivered at a midweek lunchtime when I’m WFH
– no TV
– early nights
– outsource as much as possible. To me that means spending the extra £ on pre prepped veg and the more expensive nice veg so that I can eat well with minimal cooking time. I’ve also been trying to get a cleaner in but no luck so far
– Tody app so that I don’t waste brain space wondering what cleaning I should be doing
Anon
Agree completely with the recommendations to prioritize sleep! Also, I know bubble baths can be cliche for superficial self care, but I took a long hot bath this weekend and it was amazing. Made myself an iced vanilla latte to drink in the bath too – so good. I think the key was that it actually relaxed my body — so you could also try a hot yoga class or massage. Hang in there!
Low Drinker
I mostly stopped drinking last year because I just prioritized feeling good the next day and in general. I told my friends this and I thought they got it. This weekend we went to the bar and my husband ordered a craft beer that sounded good so I took a few sips. Oh my word, the looks of horror I got, my friends clearly did not believe my reason and secretly think I’m an alcoholic. Would it be okay to send a message in our group chat that I am not and never was an alcoholic, I don’t drink purely for health reasons? I’m so disappointed they didn’t believe me.
anon
Did anyone actually say anything or are you assuming this based on facial expressions? Honestly, unless someone said something, you may be misinterpreting the reactions, and I think you risk seeming defensive if you send out a message about not being an alcoholic when no one has said anything about you being an alcoholic.
anon
Agree with this. If I were on the receiving end, I would be extremely weirded out and actually more worried about you!
Vicky Austin
+1! Shrug it off.
Anonymous
agree. I would totally let it go.
Anon
Agree. In the words of Elsa, let it goooooooo. I almost never drink fwiw.
Anon
this.
Anon
I wouldn’t, clearly you’re not that close to them if you have to explain.
Anon
that’s so weird that they had such a strong reaction. I know a lot of people doing sober/dry/reel-it-in January – and actually several folks at the super bowl party I was at yesterday mentioned it was their first drink in 2023.
I would just keep doing what you’re doing (occasional drinking as it suits your mood) as sending a text seems to give it more credit than it deserves, and will bring more attention to it.
P.S. do you think they actually thought you were pregnant, and that’s why the reactions?
Anon
I doubt they really did have such a strong reaction.
Anon
I really wouldn’t do this. Posting a message about not being an alcoholic is going to seem defensive and odd, and will raise a million red flags where none existed. The most likely explanation is that you are just overthinking your friends’ expressions.
Anonymous
No do not send this in a group chat. The time to address it – if at all – was in the moment.
I would also think hard about why you assume your friends thought you’re an alcoholic, why your friends might think that, and why you’re dwelling on this. It really sounds like you’re overthinking this and reading in something that’s probably not there. If a woman friend weren’t drinking I would think she was either pregnant or trying to lose weight. Alcoholism wouldn’t occur to me. Idk what the horrified looks we’re all about, but I think you should’ve let them explain in the moment rather than assume they’re making unflattering assumptions about you.
Cat
are you sure they weren’t just exaggerating out of amusement? even if not, sending a follow-up text is going to backfire, just let it go.
Vicky Austin
Or tipsy themselves? “I did not mean to make that face out loud” type tipsy?
Anonymous
Absolutely not. Please don’t turn a look into a whole drama. That’s exhausting.
Anon
Any chance they think you’re pregnant or TTC?
Anon
+1
Curious
This is where my mind went.
Anne-on
This. If you’re married and ‘settled’ and told people that you aren’t drinking much I would 100% assume they think this was a way of telling them your TTC without telling them you’re TTC.
Trish
I would assume it is none of my business why they aren’t drinking on any given day. I don’t know why people think we need a “reason” not to drink.
Anon
Good for you, but people who are actually close with their friends are curious about changes in behavior.
Anonymous
Or that they have a better view on your drinking past than you might, and actually think this was a good change for you to not drink?
Monday
This would be my only question before 10000% letting it go. Did any of them express worry about your drinking in the past? If so, that might explain why, gently, you sound a bit defensive about their alleged reaction to seeing you drinking.
But if none of them ever had any concerns at all about your drinking, again, this doesn’t apply and I’d move on without another thought.
Anon
I’m sober after DECADES of heavy drinking – do not send a message like this. It’s really bizarre.
Anon
Nice job.
Any long term effects on your health, or did you get out just in time?
Anon
Thank you!
This is a great question and while I appear to be very healthy (I work with a concierge doc who does bloodwork twice a year and more panels than the regular work), being only 43, I really can’t be sure in the long run. Three bottles of wine was NBD for me for a long time and I lost a good chunk of my life to blacking out. I am so glad I am sober now, but I am sure I had to have done damage to my body. I feel line there’s no way I couldn’t have!
Anon
I think I’d want a Fibroscan at some point just to know what I’m dealing with!
Anonymous
Health isn’t an all or nothing kind of thing. I think it would be reasonable that you can expect some kind of damage, even if you haven’t hit whatever rock bottom is
Anon
I left it open so they could say whatever was relevant to them.
I’m personally always curious about the long term cognitive/brain changes, cancer risks, and mood issues. A lot of folks use alcohol as a depressant, and after removing it sometimes things can really decompensate. Or things might really improve, like sleep problems. In general, health effects can vary a lot from person to person, and depend a lot on your genetics. True, only time will tell, but if you are lucky enough to get out without any obvious liver injury or nutritional deficiencies that’s a good start.
anonshmanon
First of all, I get that you feel misunderstood and want to set the record straight. I think this is one of these things where, after you spend some time reminding yourself that it truly doesn’t matter what they think, you will be able to laugh about it.
But also, if they all thought you are in recovery, wouldn’t there always be baseline weirdness about going to bars together?
Anonymous
If you say anything they will think you are trying to convince yourself, and will probably feel justified in their thoughts. Just let it go.
I don’t drink very often, never explain myself, and have gotten looks and comments from people, it’s amusing to me and I just let them go on and think what they like.
Liza
What was your tone/message to your friends when you told your friends you “mostly stopped drinking”? Was it, I’m cutting back bc I tend to feel better but might drink once in awhile, we’ll see? Or was it, oh my gosh, not drinking has changed my life, I feel sooooooo much better, I can’t believe I used to waste all that time and energy feeling like crap, etc etc and maybe a little sanctimonious?
If the latter, I liken it to someone who is a very outspoken vegan taking a few bites of meat. It’s not that if they did that I’d think they had a crippling meat addiction. But when you claim an identity of abstention, yeah, it looks a little weird when you go back on it.
Mental Illness - How to help?
My 19yo sister has battled with severe depression and ADD for a long time. I believe the situation requires more intervention than my parents can provide but I don’t know where to turn. Any advice? A few details below.
– She dropped out of hs in 10th grade bc her ADD made completing school work too difficult. Hasn’t pursued a GED for the same reason.
– Spends most of the day in her room in my parents house – sleeping, playing iphone games and watching TV.
– Held a fast food job for a couple months when she was 17 but no job since. No drivers license. My parents have expressed not wanting to have to drive her to work so they haven’t pressed her to get a job.
– On and off medication for both depression and ADD, but non-compliant for various reasons from ”doesn’t work” to “don’t like taking it.”
– Has a negative mood and energy most of the time and is set off into a tantrum for seemingly any reason or almost no reason – causing everyone around her to walk on eggshells. A recent example is they were visiting me this weekend and she suddenly got up, stormed out of the room and slammed the guest room door. We were all bewildered and learned later it was because my mom offered my brother a sip of her drink but didn’t ask my sister if she wanted a sip too.
– My parents are scared to enact any sort of discipline because she takes it as a personal attack and has expressed suicidal ideation so everyone is so afraid to upset her.
– I am the only one that doesn’t live under the same roof and I am 400 miles away so I have more of an outsiders perspective. Also I am too far away to intervene very easily.
– The situation is really not good for anyone and I feel like she is wasting her young life. I know there is a good, kind person under the depression and she needs help to get out. I just don’t know how and she is not mature enough to help herself through this.
I think the ball is in my court now to help this young person because my parents don’t know what to do and frankly aren’t great at follow through – for example I had to find her a therapist myself which they stopped taking her to because she didn’t feel like going and they didn’t want to drive her, I found an inpatient facility for her but they didn’t want to make her go, it took nearly 8 months for them to get it together to get her a government issued id, etc. I know I sound like a complete See You Next Tuesday and I feel like one too, but I am beyond frustrated and sad. I do have a therapist for my own issues but I honestly haven’t delved into the sister situation with my therapist yet.
What is my next step?
Anon
This sounds a bit like one kid of mine, but that kid is just in middle school. We tried different ADD meds for years and went to our ped and any recommended doctors for years trying to get something that would work. ADD looks very different in girls. We finally convinced our new psychiatrist (we fired the last ones after they kept ghosting us) who ordered a DNA test and our kid has a condition where some drugs are metabolized horribly and others should never be used and . . . OMG it was so empowering and life-changing for the better. We also got hooked up with an OT who works with teens through young adults and are so grateful to have a path forward. Kiddo, likewise, is overwhelmed with relief after being in some dark spaces for a long time. So, this may not work for your sister. But if you haven’t tried it yet, there is really nothing to lose and potentially so much to gain.
Anonymous
Which test did you take? I’ve been trying to get my son’s providers to do Genesight for a while. None of the stimulants worked for his ADHD, he’s now on guanfacine and hydroxyzine but still no miracles.
Anon
Yes — Genesight.
Anon
First, you don’t sound like a see you next Tuesday, you sound like a concerned sister who wants to help. I also have a sister with some pretty severe mental health issues, so I understand the struggle.
I think talking about your sister with your own therapist is a great first start. Your therapist might have some advice both for how you can handle this situation yourself and suggestions you can make to your sister/parents regarding her care.
Based on what you’ve written, I wonder if there is a bit more going on aside from ADD and depression – obviously it’s impossible to tell through an online post so I’m not making an guesses, just offering that as a possibility.
How much communication do you have with your sister directly, not through your parents? If you haven’t already, establishing a good, open line of communication directly with her may help you to better understand her perspective in all of this and allow you to make suggestions re therapy, meds, job etc that may be more well received.
Ultimately, and this is the number one more important thing for you to know, it is not your responsibility to care for your sister and you cannot help someone that isn’t ready to be helped. I suggest you talk with your therapist about how much you are comfortable being involved in her care and figure out what your own boundaries are. It’s easy to get overwhelmed in this type of situation, but it’s super important that you take care of your own mental health first!
Anon
Has she had a full neuropsychological assessment in case there’s more going on here than ADD and mental illness?
Anonymous
+1 this was my first thought too.
Vicky Austin
+1 – the door-slamming incident set off my radar for some other thing going on that would benefit from a diagnosis.
Anon
People with ADD also often have rejection sensitive dysphoria.
NYNY
You can offer help, but you can’t make your sister take it. This is especially true if your parents aren’t willing or able to support it. From what you’ve said, I think you need to have an open conversation with your parents about it. Are they as concerned as you are? Are there other things happening that you don’t know about? Do they have the support they need to deal with this very difficult situation?
My brother’s youngest child, who is non-binary, is in a very similar place, so I’ve thought about this a lot. As hard as it is for you, your biggest role is supporting your parents, who are closest to the problem. That doesn’t mean you always agree with their choices, but only that you are there for them in whatever ways you can be.
Wishing you and your family strength.
Anon
+100 to your first paragraph as someone who has been very depressed and attempted suicide.
Anonymous
Randomly, I saw this roundup today it might be relevant for your sister: https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/quick-certifications-that-pay-well/
The depression piece is what you have to address first – staying inside and playing phone games isn’t helping and she knows it.
Depending on where she lives there may be ND programs for her age group of late teens/early 20s – I see a lot of “how to date” and social and fitness classes for that age range. Can you share her general metro area?
Vicky Austin
Also, I would bring it up with your therapist! They can help you formulate a plan.
Anonymous
I would look into resources from NAMI. Depression is a lifelong illness, and I would encourage you to not think of it as being separate from her. It is part of who she is and this is an likely to be a case where you can just fix it and uncover a swan.
Anonymous
Can’t*
Anon
It sounds like your parents are unhelpful here, especially with not being helpful with driving.
Could your sister see a virtual therapist (a real therapist with video meetings rather than something like Betterhelp)? It’s quite clear that she should be in therapy, so if your parents won’t drive her could this be a workaround?
Could your sister look into part time remote work?
Is your sister able to drive and just doesn’t have a license? or are your parents worried about her ability to safely drive?
Bipolar anon
I have treatment resistant bipolar disorder. It sucks to have a mental illness very early on.
Here are my suggestions:
1. She says the meds don’t work and may have a very good point. There are genetic mutations that keep psych meds from working. It can also take years to find a good mix and the side effects are intense. For me, the side effects are worth it because my natural state is intense suicidality. However, I gained 90 lbs from meds at age 24 and wound up diabetic at 29. Some antipsychotics actively raise blood sugar, cholesterol and blood pressure. It is called metabolic syndrome. The new ones like Latuda and Caplyta are much better but incredibly difficult to get covered by insurance. My doctor had to list the 15+ meds I’ve tried to get Caplyta covered. *It is worth trying to get it covered if those are the meds she needs.* Talk directly to her about genetic testing. Get her email address if you don’t have it or text her. Genesight can be prescribed by a physician and tells you what meds you can take. Affirm that meds are difficult and it is not as simple as “take your meds”. What meds? What side effects do they have? What combination? I take three psych meds and it took years to get here. If you can, offer to pay for Genesight – it’s about $300 after insurance.
2. Dialectical behavior therapy is life changing. It helps the patient cope with distress, which she currently can’t do. Her feelings are overwhelming, life hurts her more than it hurts most people. Her brain’s capacity for pain is on the tail end of the spectrum. DBT gives the patient tools and frameworks to change. BetterHelp costs about $200-400 a month depending on the plan. It gives you access to a chat/video therapist you can see from home. You can also go to Zoom group therapy weekly and there are many groups. So one week she could see a group for tools, another week for depression, etc. If you can, pay for it yourself. Before you push too hard, just say you heard about it and send a Youtube video that explains a little more. DBT is VERY different than normal therapy, if she has failed at therapy she needs to know that. You can send her this reply if you want.
3. Stop coordinating through your parents. They’re not equipped and it’s triangulating. Talk to her directly. Seriously. She is an adult who needs help, your parents are not helping and on some level are making it worse. Offer her real tools that meet her where she’s at – Genesight is an at home test that she doesn’t even have to tell your parents about. Same thing with BetterHelp. It sucks to be the person whose mental health is constantly discussed by family without you there. It can be really demeaning and is not helpful. Help her help herself. She sounds like she can’t leave her room without distress. That’s fine, get help from her room. Give her ways to get help that respect her privacy.
4. You can’t fix her and it’s not your job. But you care about her and can offer resources to help her change in ways she can handle. Have your therapist help you figure out how to approach her. Read some DBT resources yourself or watch a Youtube video.
Good luck!
Anonymous
I think you need a come to jesus talk with your parents, too. What happens when they die and she can’t support herself? You live 400 miles away – does she have any friends close to her? If she truly isn’t capable of living on her own then there are special programs you can take advantage of — she may be eligible for Medicaid, disability, group living, an ABLE account, etc. It sounds like your parents don’t have guardianship anymore but you may want to look into Supported Decision Making. (Plus, if your parents died tomorrow, would you be comfortable with her inheriting whatever? If you’re not comfortable with her inheriting money you should talk about that also.)
I say this as someone with an ASD son who will likely never live on his own; making him as functional as possible / not a burden on his sibling for when my DH and I go is on my mind at least once a day.
Anon
This!
Your sister is currently unable to live independently and is reliant on your parents who are not invested in actually getting her help. If something happens to your parents, what is the plan for your sister? This is absolutely something they need to be working out. And, it might actually be the kick in the pants they need to get her help.
Anonymous
ADD & Depression are intertwined. Without a desire to take mediation and go to therapy your sister will not be able to improve. There is a partner ADHD subreddit that has some books and therapy resources or ADD magazine online also has some good links. It seems like a mood stabilizing mediation may be needed given her ADD symptoms, but a professional workup is probably needed first. I’m so sorry, I’m sure its so hard for your family to deal with. The ADHD partner sub reddit has tons of similar and very sad stories.
Anon
Your next step is to talk to your therapist about how to let go of the responsibility you feel for your sister’s life. I am saying this from a place of experience and kindness: you can’t fix your sister, and you should stop trying to help her until she approaches you saying she is ready for change. And then I think you can be a really positive presence in your sister’s life, and help her move forward. But without your sister wanting to change, you are going to get nowhere presenting different options to her. You’re just wasting your time, and beating your head against a wall.
Also: when and if your sister decides to change, one thing a therapist can help you navigate is extricating your sister from your parents’ influence, as they are definitely contributing to the continuation of her issues. They’re enabling her continued dysfunction, and that won’t stop until she feels the need to make it stop. If she’s ready to change and they’re resistant, you’ve got a chance. If both your sister and your parents are resisting – you’ve got no chance of changing the situation, and need to funnel your energies elsewhere. I wish you the best of luck.
Anonymous
This. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Your parents have created this problem and don’t want your help dealing with it.
Anon
I don’t know how to best convey my thoughts, so I apologize if my comments come off poorly. I too have from depression, ADHD, and anxiety. However, it sounds like my cases are considerably less severe than your sister’s.
How much of your sister not being in treatment, not finishing school, not working, not doing much in general is because she’s truly unable to and how much is because your parents are allowing her to live the life she’s currently living?
Anon
I’m considering a move into higher ed, which I know is a little controversial here. While the job would have some student interaction, it’s not a higher ed or student specific job. For example, I work in communications and have worked in comms in various industries and this is a job in the university’s comms department.
I have heard that the downsides of higher ed are the pay and the lack of work-life balance. This job would be a 15k raise for me and the highest salary I’ve ever made (and I have worked in government, non-profits, and a Fortune 100 company). Additionally, from what I can tell the lack of work-life balance in higher ed seems to be mostly centered around student affairs roles and less so in other roles? FWIW, my bread and butter is crisis comms so no matter where I am working, I don’t have great work-life balance. In fact a benefit of this role would be that I’d be working on a larger team (at other jobs I have been the sole crisis comms point person). I have also heard about the faculty/staff divide, but it doesn’t seem like this role would have that much interaction with faculty. However, the role would have interaction with senior leadership, and I have heard that they can be difficult. But, I have yet to work somewhere where senior leadership isn’t difficult (generally that they have a really poor understanding of crisis comms and resist recommendations).
The benefits are great, the commute would be doable (20 mins on public transportation), and I have heard mostly good things about the boss and the team (that the first line boss and the team are great, but the VP is meh; a former coworker of mine is currently on the team and I trust his assessment of the team).
I also think I’d really enjoy working on a campus. I think it’d likely have a fun energy being on a campus and interacting a little with students (student workers in the department, not anticipating much interaction with the student body writ large). I miss doing crisis comms as it relates to health and safety (which feels meaningful to me, I currently work at a corporation and it’s much more CYA comms when there’s an issue with our product). Many members of my family are teachers and I’ve occasionally wondered if I should have pursued working in education; while this is obviously different,I think I would enjoy the environment.
I am wondering on what else I need to be considering?
anon
As long as you know going in that crisis comms doesn’t lend itself to good work-life balance at times, I think you’ll be okay. You seem well aware of the drawbacks of the higher ed environment. Leadership can make or break this type of role.
OP
Yes, unfortunately I fell in love with crisis comms years ago and so no matter where I work, I will never have great work-life balance :)
anon
You’re a better person than I am. I absolutely hate doing crisis comms, lol.
Anon
Kind of concerning that colleges are hiring a FT person for crisis communications. I have long thought that all of this gets outsourced b/c no one really has that expertise in-house (due to few crises, not that it couldn’t be learned). But if a place, has this need, can you hint as to which school so that I never send a kid of mine there.
OP
It wouldn’t be a FT for crisis comms! A full time comms person who, when the need for crisis comms arises, will be the point person for crisis comms.
Also, there’s a lot of crisis comms that aren’t actually crises related but rather anything that’s out of the ordinary: school closures due to weather, public transportation in the area is impacted and students commute via subway, power outages on campus and dorms, anything COVID or other health communication related, communications related to a proximate event (there’s a fire 1 mile for campus, let’s notify everyone and tell them it’s not impacting operations) or a current event even if not related to the school (XYZ incident happened at ABC University 800 miles away, how would we handle this?).
This can also encompass good things: the team won the championship and now there’s a celebration on campus. Campus is hosting a concert, so here’s what you need to know. Campus is voting location, here’s what you need to know.
higher ed is great, but some downsides
I really like higher ed, but, like anything, it needs to be a fit.
I’d take a look at the school’s Cleary Report for the past few years and also look at the school’s student newspaper for general tone (are they accusing the administration of being nefarious on the regular?).
It can be hard, though rewarding, to deal with highly sensitive issues that deeply affect individuals versus regular corporate issues. I would try to get a handle on how much your job will deal with these kinds of issues and if you are ok with that. Also, I’d try to get a sense of if the school is already doing an ok job–if they’re really bad at handling these kinds of issues, it may not be because they need better comms help, but rather because leadership is misguided.
OP
That is a really good point. I will look into your recommendations, thank you!
Anonymous
Omg get a grip. Every major university has staff in crisis coms. Spoiler alert you’d be happy for your kid to go here.
Anon
Really? I am wondering what qualifies as a crisis vs just some news.
Anonymous
Yes. Really. Crisis can refer to any emergent communication.
Anon
Very few industries or jobs have enough crises for crisis comms personnel to only deal with actual crises. These individuals often handle various non-routine communications as well. A PIO or crisis comms person in local government might also handle road closures, utility outages, or special events in addition to actual crises like major fires or police incidents.
Anon
Yup. A snow day would count as a crisis comm in education
anon
+1
Anon
Sounds like a great opportunity. I worked in higher ed for almost a decade, and I really loved it. As you point out, a lot of the drawbacks you hear about are specifically related to student affairs roles. I found work/life balanced very good outside of those roles and salaries were a lot better too.
OP
That is good to know! I was pursuing old posts here about higher ed and also looked on the subreddit and it definitely sounded like a negative environment, but I was under the impression that that was for student affairs work. Thank you for confirming that my hunch was correct!
Anonymous
I’d take the job. And I did! I work in higher ed. it’s fantastic. The benefits are great. Work life is much better than a private company for me. I genuinely enjoy my job daily.
People love being whiny you gotta so you.
OP
Thanks! I’m reasonably unhappy in my current job so want to make sure I’m not leaving just because I’m unhappy. I really would like to make sure that I actually want the job I”m taking, but I think I do!
OP
But, also wanted to make sure I don’t have on rose colored glasses and am not overlooking potential drawbacks just because I want out of my current position.
Higher Ed
You might consider your steps after this position. I am in higher ed right now and moving up once you are at a certain level is very, very hard. A lot of departments have nowhere to promote staff and it’s a huge issue on my team. There’s a lot I love about working here (the relaxed summers, a gorgeous campus in the middle of a city) and a lot that drives me crazy (ridiculous limits on WFH for no real reason other than parity with other teams, minimal raises, and a very flat org chart).
OP
That’s a really good point! I’m 30 and nowhere near having kids, but would like them in the future. If / when I have kids, I know I don’t want a big job: something that I feel pays me adequately and is fulfilling and interesting: absolutely but a big job? Not something I’m interested in. I mentioned it above, but the pay is shockingly good, and the benefits are amazing and family friendly. So, I think I’d be happy staying in this role or something similar for a while. In talking with my former coworker, there is realistically 1 level to move up to and hypothetically a 2nd before it becomes the type of job I wouldn’t want.
I also live in an area with several universities, so if I decide to stay in higher ed there’s hypothetically other options in the area.
While I loved my non-profit and government jobs in my 20s, I know that I don’t want to do that when I have a family. I could likely transition back to industry, but I don’t love it. I could also see myself moving into something related but family friendly (comms for the school district? per diem, part time, or freelance work).
School PR Pro
I’ve worked in public sector communications for my entire career — first for a mid-sized city, and later for a mid-sized public school district. While I get better pay and more time off in the school district (4 weeks vacation, 15 sick days, generous # of holidays), I definitely work much longer hours than I ever did in government, including a lot of weekends and nights, after a full day in the office. And remote work (during office hours) is strictly prohibited, even though my job could be done from home. It’s overall a great career, but I wouldn’t consider it to be very family-friendly.
Anon
I’m in higher ed comms (regular, not crisis). It really varies based on institution and manager, but I work for a big boss who does not believe in work balance. I take a work life balance for myself, but it would be easy not to and it’s been made clear to me I won’t be promoted or get raises unless I kill myself for the job. The raises are so paltry it’s not worth it to me, but just FYI. You can get a toxic boss anywhere, including higher ed.
OP
I feel like this point has been made often in posts about higher ed: it depends on your manager and if you have a bad manager your work-life balance is shot. Having worked in a few different sectors, I have always found this to be true. When I worked in government, working 60-80 hour weeks and always being on-call for 50k was unfortunately normal.
So, is the impact of having a bad boss in higher ed worse than other industries?
Anonymous
This made me smile so I thought I’d pass along… the sign language interpreter for Rihanna’s halftime show having an awesome time – https://www.facebook.com/danwalkertv/videos/3038595603109926/
anonshmanon
love this!
Anonymous
How do you decide when it’s time to say something to a friend about her drinking? I know my friend knows she drinks too much, but I think she thinks that because she drinks wine instead of scotch and was able to give up alcohol for January and drinks spritzes with wine and sparkling water that she is fine. But last night at my very chill Super Bowl party, with 5 people in attendance, where most people had one or two drinks, she drank three bottles of wine. It was excessive, she gets super loud, which I hate, totally monopolizes the conversation, and it makes me not want to host her. Which is so sad because I love her and she’s one of my closest friends. And I’m really torn. Do I reach out today and say “you ok? Last night was a lot”? Will that make her spiral (it def would). Idk very open to thoughts here.
Anon
Is she married? Does she have kids? How does she get back and forth? I think when you have to take someone’s keys, you follow up with The Talk. But is she solo in this world? And if those people enable, it may not matter what you do so your option is to cut her off or only see her for lunch and non-drinking things. She has to want to get help.
Anonymous
She’s married, no kids, and she walks. We are in a city walking distance and she never drinks and drives because she doesn’t have a car.
Anon
Honestly she shouldn’t even be walking home alone that drunk.
Anonymous
She walked home with her wife.
Anonymous
Not your problem. Similar to telling someone they are fat and should lose weight. They know it. They are not a danger to others. Just stop.
Anon
What? This is not at all similar and is honestly offensive to fat people. Fat people are just existing. Drunk people can be a danger to others and certainly to themselves. They can also severely damage their relationships through things they say or do while drunk. What is with so many people on this board not having real friendships? If it’s a close relationship, the answer is not always “mind your business.”
Anon
WOW these are not the same!
Anonymous
As someone who has (sort of) been in your friend’s shoes, I think what you proposed is very fair.
In my case, I totally (accidentally) over-did it at my neighbor’s house one evening and they reached out asking if I was okay the next day. The fact that they had to was a really clear sign to me that it was too much, and irresponsible.
(apparently the fact that I walked home from the event and dropped half my crap in the 500 feet between our homes, or woke up with a killer headache did NOT).
Anon
You go to Al Anon and follow their guidance.
Anon
The proposed text strikes me as passive aggressive and judgmental. I’d recommend being more specific about the behavior that bothered you. It is sad but you may need to distance yourself from her in drinking-based activities. You can’t control her and stopping a drinking habit is difficult, and its impossible if you don’t want to do it or think its necessary.
Anonymous
If you had to take her keys then yes say something. If not, trust me, she’s already beating herself up farrrr worse than you ever could.
Anon
Maybe but not necessarily – if people say nothing you can minimize in your own head whether others noticed or how bad it was
Anon
Yup.
Anonymous
She doesn’t drive. She walked home.
Anon
After that I absolutely think you reach out and say you want to talk, here’s what you saw and why it concerned you, if you can support her you are there for her. The concern about spiraling isn’t a reason to avoid it – she’s already in a bad place and doing nothing won’t make it better.
Beyond that, you need to think about your own boundaries. If you’re not comfortable doing drinking activities that’s fair but don’t freeze her out – suggest other things instead. And I’d be explicit about it. It may damage the relationship but three bottles of wine for one person is a problem.
Monday
This is what I would do in a close friendship.
Anon
I’ve The Talk with friends a couple of times – be prepared that your friend may be so filled with shame and self-loathing about having someone else bring this up to her that she may freeze you out for a while … but you’ve planted the seed, and once / if she later decides to cut back or stop drinking she will know you are someone she can reach out to for support.
Anonymous
If she actually drank three full bottles of wine, you’ve waited too long to say something. That is a lot, and this is coming from someone who drinks too much. One has to drink a lot to get to the point of being able to drink that much in one night. A lot. Yes, I think you reach out to make sure she is okay today and then open up a dialogue about drinking slowly over the next weeks/months. But ultimately this is not going to be your problem to solve and you might have to stop hosting her if she can’t behave appropriately in your home.
Anon
+1
She clearly has a very high tolerance, so has been drinking a lot of alcohol, on her own, for a long time too. What you see is only scratching the surface.
Anon
+1 when I was younger and objectively drank too much, I could crush a bottle and a half MAX and would be puking the next day. I am not a small woman (almost 6 feet tall). If she can down 3 bottles and still be on her feet, she is drinking massive quantities of alcohol frequently enough to gain this level of tolerance. There is no question that she is an alcoholic.
anon
From what you described, her drinking is absolutely a problem and it would not be inappropriate to speak up. “Hey, Friend, you know I love you, but I’m worried about what I’m seeing when we hang out.” I think this is an in-person conversation, not a text message.
Anon
I’m a (recovering) alcoholic and I’d say have the conversation. No one in my life did until I was well beyond the “functioning” stage and I wish someone had challenged me on it earlier when I might have been able to address it with less fall out. I appreciate I am coming from a very particular perspective, but I don’t think saying to someone you genuinely care about “I love you and I’m worried about your drinking, can I support you” is ever really the wrong call.
Anonymous
If you’re going to say something then I think you do it in person not over a text message.
Anon
+1
Anon
She had three bottles of wine in one night? That is very problematic. I can’t even drink one full bottle. I would try to meet with her in person this upcoming weekend and talk to her. Honestly if she feels anxiety about the way she acted, it’s not really a bad thing.
Monday
Right. The question “have any friends or family expressed concern about your drinking?” is a typical question in screenings for drinking problems. It’s totally supportive to bring it to her attention, and ideally (ideally!) it may help her recognize the issue.
brokentoe
How did she get home? Please tell me you did not let her drive herself home. I would check in with her today and be honest that you are worried about her. Three bottles of wine over the course of one evening is not social drinking – for anyone.
Anonymous
Thanks for the judgment but she walked the 5 minutes home we live in a city she doesn’t drive.
Anon
I think you have the conversation in person with her — just be prepared that she might shoot the messenger. I don’t think it’s reason not to do it though. That sounds serious on her end.
Seventh Sister
I’d have the conversation, but in person or on the phone, and be prepared for it not to go very well (it’s a real shoot the messenger kind of thing). Also, to be honest, I stopped inviting a friend over for group socializing because she’s a pretty unpleasant drunk. We still go out for lunch and have tea, but we don’t really do dinner together unless it’s at her place.
Liza
If I were in your shoes I would not say anything and would just quietly stop inviting her to things TBH. Someone who thinks it is appropriate to drink that much in that setting isn’t going to change their behavior just because you tell them to. It’s one of those “I shouldn’t have to ask” situations. I go with the maxim, you can’t control others, only your reaction. If someone were making loud sexual jokes or cursing excessively at social gatherings you were hosting, would you speak to them about their inappropriate behavior? Or would you just say, man, this isn’t someone I really want to have over anymore and proceed accordingly?
Vegas!
Seeking recommendations for a Las Vegas trip with my best friend – this is not at all our normal scene (normally very outdoorsy or city cultural activities) but she’s been through some health stuff and just wants to relax and be in the sunshine, and it’s a cheap and convenient flight for both. What would be a fun and luxe hotel (ideally under $300/night)? Good pool? Yummy but not ostentatious restaurants?
anon
Cosmopolitan is our go to for girls trips – centrally located, bigger rooms. It has a smaller pool (the Chelsea) that is super chill, and not at all a party pool. We also hit up a lot of a the David Chang restaurants, which fit the yummy yet chill vibe.
Have fun!
I am not a huge Vegas person, but have to go a lot for work…more than a day or two there can be a lot. There are near by Red Rock Canyon if you do want to see some nature. Otherwise I love China Poblano at the Cosmopolitan – not pricey and super delicious!
Anon
I am not a YouTuber person and have only been to Vegas once but I got sucked into watching a like 2 hour thing on Youtube where someone went to every Vegas hotel in a week and it was fascinating – you might enjoy it for deciding where to stay and what activities look fun. The channel is @safiya.
If you want to splurge a bit, Vegas has great spas which your friend might enjoy. And it was cheesy, but I loved the roller coaster at New York New York.
Anon CA
What time of year? Weekend of mid-week? (Room rates vary widely depending on the answer to that question.)
Anon
Hotel: I recommend checking priceline or booking dot com to see where the deals are, and then seeing if you can get a price match if you book directly with the hotel. Unless you’re going during March Madness (do not recommend – I think it’s March 16-19 this year), you should be able to get a good deal on a hotel right now.
If you guys like spas, Vegas has tons of good spas. I like the one at the Mandalay Bay and if you don’t mind Ubering to it, the Aquae spa at the JW Marriott is kind of a hidden gem – I try to go every time I am in Vegas, but a lot of people don’t know about it. I have heard the spa at the Cosmopolitan is good, but have never gone there.
Other things to do:
– Go downtown and just walk around – there’s the Fremont Street Experience, and also some fun, hipper bars and restaurants in that area. Downtown gets overlooked by a lot of people, but it’s my favorite part of Vegas.
– See a show, there are tons there all the time. Check the concert calendar, not just the show calendar, as Vegas gets great concerts.
– If this is you/your friend’s jam – I realize it’s not everyone’s – the Magic Mike live show is super-fun; my girlfriends and I had the best time. Look at the website to know what you’re getting into in advance. It’s not for the easily shocked.
– I don’t like walking the Strip if it’s very busy, but you can walk a long way and see a lot of stuff, and always Uber back to where you started if necessary.
– Check out Area 15, which is where the Meow Wolf experiential art installation (called Omega Mart) is located; there’s also some other stuff in there, including a good restaurant from Todd English and a couple of fun bars. Omega Mart is a trippy experience, not everyone likes it, but I love it and have gone twice now.
– If you can get into it – I recommend going in the midafternoon on a weekday – the bar at the Peppermill Restaurant is a trip, a total throwback to the late 1970s/early 1980s. They have a conversation pit with a fireplace, if that gives you any idea. The food in the restaurant is just OK (in my opinion) but the bar is one of my favorite places ever. Cheap drinks for happy hour, too!
– I love eating out in Vegas but other than Craftsteak (in the MGM) my favorite places are off-strip, including Casa Amore, Battista’s Hole in the Wall, and Firefly Tapas. (My other off-strip favorite was Lotus of Siam but they closed during the pandemic and are now involved in some kind of family financial drama, and have yet to reopen.) None of those are ostentatious but all are very good. If you don’t have a car or don’t want to Uber, just about every large resort on the Strip has at least one great restaurant, you just have to read the reviews.
This is a great time of year to be in Vegas, before it starts getting too hot. Have fun!
CrowTRobot
I believe they opened a Lotus of Siam at Red Rock.
Seventh Sister
Lotus of Siam is wonderful and they just reopened in a couple new locations.
Anonymous
For food, we had the best meal of our trip at Lotus of Siam, which is a few blocks off the Strip. My kids still randomly bring up how fantastic the food was. The atmosphere is relatively upscale but not like the destination restaurants at the big casinos.
LawDawg
I booked a Vegas getaway recently (not going until April). Hotel costs vary incredibly — I looked at the calendar for a hotel and chose dates based on that. The same room can be $150 one night and $600 a few days later. Even with that research, when it came time to actually book, I found that doing an American Airlines vacation was cheaper than booking the airfare and hotel separately.
Anon
If you guys like the outdoors, I would rent a car for a day and go out to red rocks. It’s not that long of a drive and just so different from the LV strip. But fyi, I think you still need reservations for the scenic drive.
Anonymous
There is also the valley of fire, which is also a nice drive. its lower, so it can get hot though, depending what time of year.
Anonymous
I am helping to run an auction for our local elementary school. Has anyone ever run one of these and can throw out some out-of-the-box ideas for items that were big money makers? I know it can be very regional, so I’m looking for more general ideas. We always do “principal for a day” and “ride to school in a police car” (chief of police also brings donuts to the kids) and a few other school related items as door prizes because we don’t want these to be pay-for-the-privilege type prizes.
We are just outside of Boston, if that helps.
I’ll also share a recent hot item: [Sport] Super Fan package. We get the high school varsity team to agree to it and the prize is warming up with the team, being the ball/bat boy/girl at a game, getting a team t-shirt, sitting on the bench/sidelines with the team, etc. The high schoolers are super into it and each team finds a way to make it extra special for the kids. if we have the donations for it, we also try and pair it with related sporting goods or sporting good store gift cards.
Anon
Depending on your donor pool, vacation homes are a big hit. Sometimes you can get them from parents (someone who owns a second home puts it up for bid) or online. There are companies whose business model is to have really cool auction items. They take a cut (you structure your bidding such that the reserve covers your cost to the third party) and your charity keeps the rest.
Boston specific: reach out to the Celtics, Bruins, Patriots, and Res Sox – and even the New England Revolution – about donated game tickets. Many will do this.
Anonymous
OP here- we have apparently stopped asking for this because of a few bad experiences (winners didn’t take care of the property and it got super awkward because it was the family of someone in their kids’ class, that sort of thing).
anon
Very area dependent but if you have any “play with a bulldozer” or “drive a tank” or any variety of grown-up Tonka toy experiences near you, these tend to be big earners as slightly tipsy grown up get very excited about playing in a life sized sandbox.
FP
I’m also on my school’s auction committee. Here’s what we have for fun ideas:
– food tour donated by parents
– front row seats and reserved parking for kindergarten graduation
– trip to a movie theater with grade-level teachers
– weekend bike ride and donuts with the PE teachers
– ice cream social for a class (ice cream donated by local store)
Anon
Social events where you can buy a ticket have been a big hit at a few PTA/community events lately. Typically host(s) donates the full cost and coordinates, and identifies how many guests they want. For example, pool party on a given future date at someone’s house, with drinks and food provided, $50pp and 20 people total invited. Often friends of the host will purchase the tickets, or smaller groups will coordinate.
Anon
Things created or modified by faculty and staff have been big hits: scarf handknit by Teacher x; wooden bench painted by all the teachers/staff, etc. I recognize that this is additional work for school employees, but IME, most are happy to help. Donations from local pottery place, gym, etc. for parties are always popular.
Seventh Sister
Stuff that kids make is usually a big hit, also things like a photo book of class events can be fun.
Trixie
Some big ticket items we had donated: a catered dinner party for 8, vacation homes (you already nixxed that, but if enough time has gone by you can try again), donated artwork, day in Boston package: museum passes from the library, lunch somewhere, swan boats, etc., spa day, ski tickets. good luck!
Anon
Big draw at my kids’ school auction was a reserved parking spot. Another school did one that got you a free pass to the front of the carpool line.
anon
My school somewhat feels better about pay for privilege by also having a kids’ auction, where a number of tickets to certain events are reserved for “purchase” by a lottery that’s run at school after the paid auction is complete–all kids get to enter the lottery for a few events for free.
Popular events
-parties hosted by teachers (after school, teacher provides a snack and a craft for a couple hours).
-fun for the family parties, like an egg hunt, hosted by parents
-parties for adults. Many are alcohol focused (in a city where most families are walking distance to each other), but there are also activities like bread baking or book swaps.
anon
Trigger warning – s u i c i d e
Recently, I’ve known about two teenagers who died by suicide, with zero warning that anything was amiss. It seems that although there is a narrative that it can always be prevented, research also shows that there can be a shockingly short time between the time suicide is contemplated and carried out. As in, it may be only minutes, not days, weeks, or months. Particularly among teenagers, who may be more prone to rash thinking and decision-making. I don’t know what to do with this information and it’s terrifying. I have a young teen who has a history of anxiety and is LGBTQ+, so he already has some risk factors. He also tends to put a lot of pressure on himself to perform well academically, even though we (truly) are not pushing him to perform. We have taken his mental health seriously and he does have a counselor that he sees monthly. My thoughts are all over the place. Bottom line, if these amazing kids, with no apparent mental health issues, are ending their lives … how do I even begin to deal with preventing that from happening in my own home? Just feeling very, very sad today.
Kristin
Just based on my family & friends experience, I think you’re in a better position since you know about your child’s anxiety. In some of these cases the kid was depressed but no one knew and there was no treatment – which made it seem out of the blue to outsiders but to the person it really wasn’t.
Anonymous
What does your kid say? Presumably he also knows the two teens who died? This would seem like a good time to talk to him about how he’s doing and to go over with him the research you’ve read. If your kid does have suicidal thoughts then it would be comforting for him to know that many times these thoughts are fleeting.
anon
He doesn’t know the kids personally. He knows of one of the individuals, because she was a friend of a friend, but the other one is an acquaintance of mine from outside our community. We do not have guns in the house. And thankfully, we are not currently in crisis mode with him. But still.
Anon
Recommendation: have your child see the counselor a bit more frequently.
Other recommendation: I think adults can be bad at handling the emotions of high performing children. It’s either very glib – “enjoy your youth! You can get a great education anywhere so don’t worry about college!” – or downright dismissive. IMHO, far better to dive into the root of these anxieties and discuss what life after high school actually looks like.
The answers aren’t always easy – things can get tough and not work out – but the advantage of being old is being able to draw on your own experience and your friends’ experiences. Not a mental health expert, but I think teens become suicidal when they don’t see life being any better than it is now.
Anon
Yes — when our kid went through a dark time, we were going weekly and would have gone more often if that was feasible or recommended.
Anonymous
Don’t have a gun in your house is a big one.
Anon
Yeah this. Apparently far more girls than boys attempt suicide but way more boys than girls die, which means that boys are far more likely to be successful. And it’s because boys use firearms much more than girls and those have a high fatality rate.
Anon
I’m so sorry and also in a similar situation. Both my young adult kids (19 and 22) are anxious and one is also LGBTQ+. I worry about them a lot, but feel like the main thing I can do is just stay connected. I’ve talked with both of them about suicide – told them that if they ever feel suicidal they’re “in the matrix” and need to seek help from me or another trusted person right away.
Anon
And hugs — it is terrifying. First, if you have guns, you must lock them up or remove them. We even thought of removing knives at one point. Second, is the kid driving yet or not? Our kid wasn’t this old, but we would have taken the keys. Third, we did a lot of shadowing: not home alone, not alone really ever. This was all crisis-related, but would have been hard to sustain long-term with an older teen. And we also book monthly sessions with kid’s therapist (kid sees weekly) for oversight and guidance (not to break confidences, but to make sure nothing is slipping by).
Anonymous
I know you’re coming from a place of concern, but taking a kid’s car is a punishment. Don’t punish a child for having mental health struggles.
Anon
Sometimes you just have to make sure they are alive (and not at a risk of harming others — a vehicle is absolutely a weapon).
Anonymous
And pills. And to the extent you can, in crisis mode, monitor internet use.
Anon
Be aware of the risks of suicide contagion. There are guidelines from the CDC and from journalistic organizations about responsible reporting on suicide because there is a very real “copycat” effect that can take place. I think this gets really overlooked. I often see people today speculating about what caused the young person’s suicide in a way that I consider very irresponsible, although understandable during grief.
https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/00031539.htm
Anon
I have witnessed this up close and it is very real. If your kid has a classmate who committed suicide, or the sibling of a friend or an upperclass student, your child’s risk is significantly higher. My kids’ high school has been battling to stop the cycle.
Anon
Totally – all schools should work on this. I get extra frustrated when schools or community members speculate about causes – “it’s because of ___ harmful policy” is simplistic and suggestive to other students who may be battling mental health issues. We should not be discussing suicide as a logical response to hard situations. I don’t believe most people WANT to be harmful in this way, but far too many are.
Anon
As things are now, school itself is a significant risk factor for K12 suicide.
Anon
I am so very sorry for the losses you have experienced. Unfortunately, we don’t always KNOW if someone has mental health issues. Some people are VERY good at masking.
That said, you are aware of your son’s so that’s a big plus. The thing is… people do not always share that they want/are going to unalive or have ideations. It’s scary to do that. When it is shared, that’s usually a substantial reach out for help. From personal experience (as the one w the thoughts), it is a very vulnerable place to be in.
Have you discussed these events with your son past the “it’s really sad” surface stuff? If not, I recommend having a discussion – maybe even just while doing something casual at home (dinner, coffee, whatever). It’s a good moment to share how you are feeling right now. Ask how he’s feeling knowing about those kids dying by unaliving. Then ask if he’s ever felt that way (unaliving/ideations). These open, non-judgmental conversations can help, a lot.
In addition, share how much it would impact y’all. Again, from a non-judgmental way. “We would be devastated to find out that you didn’t feel like life was worth living or that people are better off without you. Your life is important. The world would absolutely be worse off without you in it.”
During this conversation, you may also want to talk about “safe” resources for him if this does ever pop up. What I mean by this is maybe he doesn’t go to you to discuss but maybe you reiterate that his therapist is a resource as is 988 – maybe a coach or religious figure. Also, tell him that he can come to you without judgment and mean it. For something like that, you could have a codeword. That way if someone overhears or if he doesn’t want certain people to know, you do. I know it’s odd, but that can feel more “safe” than saying the real words for how he’s feeling.
I agree that you should increase his appts with the therapist. Has medication ever been discussed?
Ribena
I never seriously contemplated that but had some pretty tough times as an older teen – what actually helped me realise that there was something out there wort looking forward to was a book, This Song Will Save Your Life by Leila Sales. The protagonist considers an attempt at the start of the book and then discovers a hobby she is really good at – I had forgotten before reading it what it felt like to enjoy being good at something; like your teen I was an academic high performer and put a lot of pressure on myself.
I don’t know if that helps at all?
Anon
I was talking to a mom who called herself a Tiger Mom just a few years ago (I used to hear about her kids’ accomplishments at work all the time), but she recently told me that she told her oldest “do whatever you want to do,” based on a couple of local s u i c i d e stories (Silicon Valley).
I don’t know what to do about it. I have a young college aged son who has serious issues with depression and anxiety, and he’s under a lot of pressure at school, but I also know that he would feel even worse about himself if he dropped out. For now, medication, lots and lots of communication, and helping him find on-campus counseling and an off-campus psychiatrist seem to have stabilized him. For now.
Hugs to you, Mom. It’s so hard.
Anon
Thank you for posting. I posted last week about a teenage family member who chose to end their life and all of this tracks – there was literally an hour between when he committed suicide and when his Mom came home. There were also guns in the house, and teenager knew how to access them. I say without judgement that the access to guns likely escalated an already heated mental state.
Teenager was diagnosed with ADHD in early elementary, and a few years ago there was an incident with some suicidal language, but everything was going well as of late – taken off IEP, found a few activities they were thriving in, was openly discussing what they wanted to do in college, etc. We are putting the pieces together of what happened that day. I know it won’t bring our beloved family member back, and likely won’t provide any of us peace, but I do hope what we learn can help our kids, and the families in our community.
Elbe
I read somewhere but don’t remember where – discuss and have them write out a plan for what they would do if they feel suicidal. They should keep the plan with them at all times. There were people commenting that being able to read their plan stopped them from committing suicide. Did anyone else read this recently?
Anon
Yes, I heard about this very recently. Can’t remember where.
Anonymous
Does anyone have what they consider a “very comfortable” black mascara? Not crunchy, easy to remove. I’ve always hated the tube mascaras in the past. Everything I try kills my eyes lately.
Anon
Glossier works for me.
Anon
Yes, I got this with lash extensions and love it now that those are gone. It’s the best formula I’ve ever tried and very gentle.
https://www.xtremelashes.com/aftercare-cosmetics/length-and-volume-mascara
Leatty
Maybelline Snapscara is my go to. I don’t use the waterproof, and it doesn’t smudge unless I’m in the pool or shower.
Anon
I like the Ilia limitless mascara. Sephora sells a mini version, so it’s a pretty low-risk way to try it out.
Digby
Try the Glossier mascara – it goes on clean and removes easily. Or the Cover Girl professional mascara in the purple tube.
Anon
I really like the Glossier mascara.
Anon
Address your dry eyes first. I used to feel as you do about mascara but it wasn’t the mascara, it was chronic dry eyes.
Anon
Any Lancome mascara. I have been using Hypnose and Volume-a-Porter for years, both standard and waterproof version. They don’t smudge, pill, are easy to remove.
Boom!
Boom! mascara.
Anon
I think I’m going to get broken up with and feel devastated. How do you guys cope with heartbreak?
Anon
I am so sorry. It helped me to lean into art. Make a playlist of your favorite sad break up songs. Listen to it while going on walks and let yourself cry. Know that while it may always hurt a little, it will hurt way, way less in time. I promise.
I also love this poem – “it ends or it doesn’t.” https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/6836964-it-ends-or-it-doesn-t-that-s-what-you-say-that-s
Clementine
I think you need to watch a tearjerker movie (maybe Forrest Gump?) and let yourself eat chocolate and feel sad, then go full ‘he’s a jerk and I hate him’ mode and have a drink with a girlfriend and talk about his annoying habits you’re free from, then go take a kickboxing class and listen to lots of girl power music.
Finally – the ultimate in healing: a new hairstyle. Just accept that the curtain bangs will look great and will remind you that there is so much more in this world than some person with whom it didn’t work out with. Their loss.
Monday
I totally agree on the breakup hair change. Seeing something drastically different every single time you look in the mirror just automatically helps with a reset in life.
Anon
Spend time with good friends and family. Throw yourself into your career or hobbies. I tend to plan a solo vacation anytime I go through a difficult breakup. My ex broke up with me in December and in February of that year, I booked my first solo international trip for that September to Lisbon.
Anon
Spend more time in my career or hobbies, as mentioned above. Maybe a trip to see friends.
Also, 100% guilty of doing some (within budget) retail therapy. Dressing better after a breakup helps.
Anon
I’m sorry!
I’m a broken record on this, but, you cut them out of your life completely. Block and delete their number. Unfollow. Don’t attempt to stay friends. If you think about them, remind yourself of all their worst qualities and don’t let yourself get tied up into the fantasy.
For me, “other fish in the sea” is a helpful approach- it’s nice to have a crush (even if it’s just the cute barista or some actor).
Anon
How certain are you? If you’re positive, I’d consider breaking it off first. There’s something empowering about being the one to do it.
Monday
This seemed like a wild card suggestion to me, but I don’t necessarily disagree! The backstory matters a lot though–don’t do it out of spite. Do it because you’re as done as they are.
Anon
Keep reminding yourself that you deserve someone who wants to be with you as you want to be with them. I don’t mean to trivialize your feelings, just saying that you should keep reminding yourself of what you deserve. Be gentle with yourself. Lots of showers/baths, hot/iced decaf tea, walks in the sunshine, sleep and healthy food. Don’t expect to feel better overnight, but take positive self-care steps.
Anonymous
Alaska travel recommendations? I’ll be in Anchorage for work at the end of June. Coming from the east coast, so I figured DH and I can make that our summer vacation. No kids. We’ll spend maybe 10 days there? We have some flexibility (other than the work event).
One of my law partners said we HAVE to do a cruise but I really dislike cruises. It looks like a road trip might be fun? The bridge is still out in Denali, but we’d like to see at least a bit of the park. I checked with Brooks Lodge in Katmai and they have a room for part of the time we’ll be in Alaska, but it’s SLIGHTLY before the bears are supposed to get there (6/16-18, bears show up in force starting 6/22 according to the lodge). It is an EVENT (and expense) to get to the lodge, we’d be pretty disappointed if we didn’t see bears. Anyone have any experience? Any other things to do? Thanks all!
Anon
You could do a road trip either north or south from Anchorage and it would be really fun. Rental cars and hotel rooms in Anchorage are EXPENSIVE in the summer. Like, insanely so. And book out quickly, so I’d try to take care of that part soon.
RR
Talkeetna (between Anchorage and Denali) is a beautiful little town with amazing views of Denali. Denali itself is only visible about 30% of the time. We were actually in Denali National Park for days without seeing it (with people just pointing to where the giant mountain would be), but we didn’t actually see it until our last night in Talkeetna when we got to see both the Northern Lights and Denali at night and then Denali in all its glory in the sunshine in the morning. The Park itself is beautiful, but you (at least when we were there) have to ride around it in a bus (a school bus type bus) that is uncomfortable and freezing. Still worth doing, but there’s also so many other amazing things outside the park. We did a Jeep off road tour, some river cruise in Fairbanks, rode that train with the glass top. It’s been almost 20 years since I was there, but we did see bears in Denali and moose all over the place. Literally just crossing the road. I think you are smart to do the land portions. I’ve been on an Alaskan cruise (same trip after a week on land), and it’s beautiful, but if you aren’t a cruise person, you’ll see more of what you want to see on land.
Also plan to spend some time in Anchorage itself. It’s gorgeous. Lots of flowers–shockingly bright and lush and colorful, where Denali is a beautiful kind of gray and sparse. Lots of permafrost and tundra.
anon
Talkeetna and the surrounding area is so pretty! We went as a family trip years ago and did a few days in Talkeetna (including a long driving day trip to denali) and then down to Homer.
My advice is things are VERY spread out and sparse. Great fun, but don’t underestimate driving time if you plan to road trip it.
Anonymouse
Anchorage resident here – June should be a lovely time to visit as the snow in town will be gone but there should still be some up high for you to admire. Even in the heat of summer it doesn’t really get hot here so bring warm things to wear if the weather snaps cold on you. Within a day’s drive from ANC you have a few great spots you can check out:
– I’d suggest a flightseeing tour of Denali out of Talkeetna vs cramming into one of the busses and driving into the park. Talkeetna is a cute little town to grab a meal in before or afterwards.
– Seward is a fun spot to visit for a night and there is some great hiking and glacier viewing you can do there as well.
– Hatcher Pass is always worth a visit: swing through Palmer and stop at 203 Kombucha for an avocado toast on your way back to town.
– We haven’t made it down to Katmai yet due to cost and scheduling but it’s on our list. The forecasting is just that: an educated guess. The bears might arrive en force a week earlier or later than they’re guessing. As you said, it’s a lot of work/money to get there and it would be a bummer to miss it.
– You can go to Homer and rent kayaks/ride the sea taxi across to Halibut cove. You’ll probably see lots of sea otters!
– The glacier cruises are a thing we only do when family visits. I feel like they’re kind of pricey for what you get.
Anonymouse
Long reply stuck in mod – stay tuned!
Anon
Hiking on Exit Glacier near Seward is one of the cooler things I’ve done if you are up for it. Like, not hiking to the edge of it with a ranger but hiking on it with crampons and the whole deal with a special guide. I don’t remember the exact company we used but if you google it you can find it, there might be only one.
Agreed with the other commenter that the actual school bus tour through Denali is just okay. It was the main way to tour it when we were there too, maybe there are other options now, but I remember the windows got really dirty so it was hard to see, among other things.
anon
+1 to Exit Glacier, though we just hiked to the edge of it and that alone was one of the cooler things I’ve done. We also did a boat tour out of Seward, and some guided sea kayaking in that same area, both amazing. We saw incredible wildlife – many types of birds, sea otters, porpoises, a whale, mountain goats on the shore.
Anon
We did two weeks in Alaska, one on land and one on a cruise. I’m not a cruise person but I really enjoyed the cruise for the glacier scenery (we had two days of cruising glaciers at Glacier Bay and Hubbard Glacier). But the land trip was great too. You definitely don’t have to cruise. We did a day trip to Katmai from Anchorage for bear watching ($$$$ but one of the coolest wildlife experiences I’ve had in travel to six continents), a couple days at Denali (also good wildlife), and a couple days down in Kenia Fjords where we went kayaking to Aialik Glacier and saw a lot of marine life. It was one of our best trips ever.
Anon
Reading your post again I wouldn’t do Katmai at that time of year. We went mid July when it’s basically a sure thing to see them. Would have been a huge waste of time and money if no bears and it’s iffy until late June.
Anon
Why do you hate cruises? There is quite a variety in Alaskan cruses. Depending on the reason, it may not apply here. There are beautiful things you can see from land, but much of the amazing stuff in Alaska like glacier national bay can only be see from the water
Anonymous
Alaska doesn’t have that many roads. Flying or cruise is the best way to get around. Juneau is fabulous.
OP
That’s what my (law) partner said too. I don’t like being in cramped quarters with lots of people. The sanitation has always squicked me out, even more so after all the pandemic horror stories. I find the environmental impact to be problematic. Intellectually I know it’s probably no worse than a big hotel but being trapped on a boat somehow makes it feel like these issues are compounded. I could MAYBE be persuaded to do one of the smaller boats, but they seem expensive for what you get (small quarters, no real luxury touches, food that’s just ok). I looked at uncruise and it would be $2k/night for the two of us.
Anon
Theyre $$$$ but the luxury lines like Seabourn and Silversea have great food and lots of luxury touches. Windstar is also fabulous and quite a bit cheaper than those lines, but I’m not sure they do Alaska.
Anon
Are you willing to lie in order to get out of a cancellation fee? Recently I had a persistent migraine on a day I was supposed to get multiple fillings- I truly cannot think of a worse activity with a migraine. I called to reschedule and when asked why I said I had the flu, and they waived the fee. I had a feeling they wouldn’t have if I was honest. I’ve had mixed feelings about it and am wondering what you would have done? And what if the reason was something more trivial, like work is busy or the weather is bad. Or I just really don’t want to today.
Anonymous
I think you didn’t need to lie. You could have just said you were sick. And no I don’t lie to get out of cancellation fees.
Anonymous
Saying you’re sick when you’re sick isn’t a lie. I probably wouldn’t have specified “flu” but I don’t think migraine vs flu is enough of a distinction to wring your hands over.
anon
My immediate response would be that you were ill on that day, and that’s a valid excuse. If they would indeed charge you a cancellation fee for one illness but not another, then yours was basically a white lie.
Your other hypothetical reasons are in a different category for me, because I acknowledge that it may a problem for their business to deal with short term cancellations. So I think it’s fair that they have a cancellation fee in the first place.
Cat
+1
Anon
Agree with this. Your lie was in the same category as the truth – you were unwell. Migraines can be debilitating!
Anon
+1
In general, it is fine to just say you are sick. You don’t need to give the details.
I used to manage the health care for an elderly relative. Sometimes because of their GI issues we couldn’t make it to a doctor’s appointment, and literally wouldn’t know until 1-2 hrs before the appointment that this would happen. I would call to cancel, admit that a serious medical problem had suddenly flared beyond our control, and leave out the details. They don’t need to know. I was always very polite. In fact, I would profusely apologize and always offer to pay any additional penalty/fee. And they never once made us pay.
feel better!
I don’t see an issue because essentially you swapped “illness” for “illness”– but used one that is understood more widely. I suffer from migraines and know a lot of people think they are simply bad headaches, but they are REALLY not. For me when my migraines were really bad, the noise, the pressure as they drill, the light in my eyes, and the smell would all be terrible triggers and would probably give me a debilitating migraine for days — would need absolute darkness, would probably have bad nausea to the point of vomiting, and constant rotation of ice packs and water. Sure, migraines are not contagious like the flu is, but all that activity might have triggered you to vomit anyway, so I don’t think this lie was a bad one. Hope you feel better soon!
anon
As someone who used to work in a dental office and has experienced migraines I think the lie is fine. You couldn’t foresee or prevent the migraine. And the dentist would prefer that you cancel instead of throw up mid-filling. I wouldn’t mention a fake diagnosis, I’d just say I woke up feeling sick.
Anon
I have lied before and I don’t feel bad about it. I usually have a legitimate reason I don’t want to or can’t go, and I just turn it into something more readily acceptable so that I don’t have to put the receptionist into the position of arguing with me or finding out whether it’s OK.
Currently, with COVID, they absolutely want you to cancel if it’s anything at all.