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What are your best tips on how to make friends as you get older, readers? Have you found there are certain phases of life when it's much harder to make friends? (How do you think the pandemic changed existing friendships and created or inhibited new friendships?)
How Jane Fonda Says to Make Friends as You Get Older
I just saw this great clip of advice from Jane Fonda on how to make friends as you get older. The clip is kind of adorable, especially the way Sally Fields reacts to her advice, so do watch it, but her advice basically boils down to “be really intentional.” Tell your acquaintance you'd really like to be better friends! Make dates! Pursue the friendships!
My Tips on How to Make Friends As You Get Older
I think Jane Fonda's advice is great! At least one good friendship of mine came about in that manner — there was some cocktail party or some after-work thing I attended with a group of people from my law firm, and one of the other women and I really hit it off. “Let's hang out more!” she said, and we cheers'ed to that and decided that night what our next hangout would be.
(We decided to see the Affordable Art Fair together. Spoiler alert, it is not that affordable!)
I wound up being a bridesmaid in her wedding, and had I had any bridesmaids in mine, she would have been one of them. (I had a really small wedding; my brother was my man of honor.)
This kind of takes us back to our discussion about where to meet people to date, but all of those tips apply to meeting new people to see if you hit it off. Alumni events! Charities! (Readers always recommend the Junior League.) Networking groups! Hobby groups and classes! Athletic classes and groups!
{related: how to make new friends and network}
The other tip I might offer is to let existing friends know how much they mean to you. I just had a phone call last week with a good friend, and at one point I said, “You know, this is going to sound really weird because we haven't talked in like a year, but you're one of my closest friends.” And she immediately said, “ME TOOOOOOOOOO!!!” And we laughed about how it can be kind of hard to say that stuff to friends!
(I've also seen a meme on Facebook — something along the lines of “Tell your friends you love them. Make it weird, you say it so often.”)
For my $.02, I think there have definitely been phases of life when it's been easier — and harder — to make new friends. Among the easiest:
- School!
- Doing the 2L summer associate thing and then going back to that firm to work. At my old firm I think our summer group was 50 people, and the group of people we started with was something like 40, with about 98% overlap.
- New parenthood: There are soooo many opportunities to talk with other parents, either in the interminable “mommy & me” classes, or the period when you're hanging around waiting to pick your child up from daycare/school. Plus, all of my sons' playdates also had at least two parents present, at least until the point when you feel comfortable dropping your kid off at someone else's home. (Even Lamaze class was great for us — one of my closest newer friendships is a couple we met in Lamaze. Plus — bonus! — our kids are almost exactly the same age, so we've even been able to do some family outings together.)
- I can also see it being easy to make new friends when you move to a new city, if only because you have to put yourself out there and be really intentional with friends.
- (Readers, I'm curious if you've found other times when it's really easy to make new friends!)
Times when it hasn't been the easiest to make new friends:
- Almost every other time, I think!
So readers, what are your best tips on how to make friends as you get older? Do you think there are differences between making friends (the logistics of how you make friends, that is) at age 20, age 40, and age 60?
Stock photo via Stencil.
Anon
I recently made a new friend when I adopted a rescue dog. I met another woman with the same breed, also a rescue, on an online forum for the same. Initially we just got together to let our dogs play with each other, but I did the intentional thing mentioned above and I told her it was really nice to make a new friend (so that she knew I think of her as a friend.)
Anon
I met a whole group of friends through my rescue. We all were on about the same schedule with taking dogs to the park close to my house. The dogs became friends, and then we did. Props to the brave person who invited us all to brunch at her house, which moved friendships to another level.
Anon
I am pretty good at making friends as an adult in all kinds of situations, and the biggest thing for me is to remember that a friendship is a relationship that must be nurtured.
For meeting people, I have a few topics that I will fall back on on the logic that at least one will be engaging to most people. What was your favorite vacation? What concert would you give anything to see? Are you reading anything? What tv are you watching? Things like that. Then listen to the answers and follow up on anything that seems fruitful for discussion. I almost never bring up work because my job is boring, and I assume others will light up about something outside that arena as well.
If I actually want to be friends with someone, I’ll get their number and text (or set something up before we leave!) and will propose a couple of dates and activities that are relevant to our conversation. If there wasn’t anything I can find an activity for, I’ll invite for a walk on a nice, flat, paved local trail or breakfast on the weekend. The key at this step is to make an actual plan with an actual day relatively quickly so that you don’t get 3 months down the road and feel awkward about follow up.
After that, I will text my old and new friends with some frequency. If they don’t respond quickly or in a way that makes them seem interested in conversation, I don’t do this too often, but I do want to make sure my friends know I’m thinking about them. I will literally scroll back through my messages during down times (like watching tv I’m not interested in or brain breaks at work) and will see if there’s anyone I haven’t reached out to in a while and will send something quick.
On that note, I put all my friends’ big events in my own calendar. Job interviews, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Then I am sure to text or send a card with well wishes. I will stop by the card rack at Trader Joe’s every few weeks and pick up a variety of birthday, get well, and blank cards and I keep them in a basket with stamps and pens so I’m always prepared.
If there’s something truly wrong, I’m also there with treats or a shoulder or whatever else they need. I will ask if I can provide specific help. For example, a friend’s husband had heart surgery. I didn’t say “Let me know what you need.” I said, “Can I bring some dinner over the day he comes home and leave it on the porch? Let me know what else you need and I’ll pick it up.”
I don’t think you necessarily have to do all of this for every person in your life. But the big point is that to make good friends, you do have to put in effort and put yourself out there. It’s just like dating and nurturing those relationships!
Davis
Thank you for sharing this! I know I’ll be borrowing some of this for my most important friendships!
Lyssa
Along the same lines as the second tip, I heard a comment a while back that it’s almost impossible to dislike someone who seems to really like you. I thought about that and realized I know several people who, despite the fact that I wouldn’t say we’re really close friends, always acts as if they are really happy to see me – greets me with a big hug and smile, shouts hi from across the room, that sort of thing. And I’m always thrilled to see those people. While I personally have usually hung back (I guess I didn’t want to put myself out there or risk coming across wrong) and waited for people to come to me. So I’ve started really making an effort to consciously show my enthusiasm when I see people I know, and I think it really helps. You can’t make friends if everyone’s waiting for the other person to come to them!
Winter
Good advice! As a formerly — and perhaps still somewhat — shy person, this resonates. I like being made to feel welcome and included (who doesn’t?), and am now finally ready to return that favor!
Anonymous
I think this is so spot on… after all if someone likes you and you can’t STAND them you’re never really going to be friends anyway. But a friend who might be arms length can become a lot closer if you know they like you a lot.
Gandrealla
If you remain single and all you meet are women with kids, it is hard to fit in as you don’t have the same interests or goals. Also, as a single person, it’s hard if your friends are married as married people tend to hang out with other couples. So it’s a numbers game, and the more you put yourself out there, the better your chances are. You might meet ten people and make one contact. That’s how I see it, as a contact, like a business contact. It’s definitely not like younger days.
CreditRisk
I am divorced with 3 children. I really love my single female and male friends. They have interests and are interesting and when the children are with their father, I’m able to be with other single people doing fun and interesting stuff. As my children get older, I think it will be healthy for them to see this diversity of relationships.
CR
Another place I’ve made great friends is volunteering with the Democratic Party. Also, serving on a nonprofit board.