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Weekend Open Thread: Wit & Wisdom

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pinstriped jeans

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I'm just starting to go through all of the stuff that I bought at the Nordstrom sale… but these pinstriped jeans are definite keepers for me. They're a little bit unusual — I can't remember having pinstriped jeans before? — but the fit is good, the length is right (I'm 5'3 and take petites), and hey, I have enough boring dark wash denim anyways. (In fact, the Wit & Wisdom denim tends to be a reader favorite during the NAS!)

The pants are $59 right now, but will go back up to $88 after the sale ends.

(You can check out all of our roundups and thoughts on the big Nordstrom Anniversary Sale here!)

Sales of note for 8/21:

310 Comments

  1. How valuable is it to have a spouse attend your annual company party?

    For context, my husband’s company is having a party a couple of days before my birthday. It’s a startup where he’s a head of a team, and their investors will be there. Things have been a little bit rocky since the CEO is stressed and misread some metrics (long story short, my husband is doing very well, but the CEO misunderstood a metric and thought things were doing terribly).

    I’ll be visiting family for the week beforehand for my birthday an hour north of where we live and could either 1) spend a second weekend in my hometown or 2) come back for the company party instead. Do y’all think it’s worth to show up for to support him?

    1. Company parties are solely for the employee to suffer through, IMO. Why subject a loved one to that? Exceptions for things like a picnic day where there are clearly kids events.

    2. If spouses are invited, yes I think it is good politically at work and at home for many marriages for spouses to attend work parties. If you’re saying you’d come home just so you can be at your house when he gets home, I think not necessary. Also, it’s only an hour away from where you’ll be so you could just drive back if you really want to be at your parents aside from the party?

    3. I disagree – I think having my husband attend dinners like this (and I attend his, too), is very helpful! Esp since things have been rocky with the CEO, I would definitely attend and be my most warm and charming self. And if I were in your husband’s shoes, I’d want you there, too.

      1. This. Especially at a startup, where the company assumes it owns the employee’s life and family. Your absence will be noted.

    4. While I understand that some people hate company parties and do not see the point, if spouses are invited it is important for spouses of executives to show up. It demonstrates commitment and shows that they are “team players”. If other spouses show up and you do not, notice will definitely be taken.

    5. this is the kind of party where either Spouses Attend or they don’t. I’d ask your husband to quietly suss out whether others’ spouses are coming. If they are, you should go too.

    6. He would know better than us- would it be remarked upon if you weren’t there? Or would it be a non-issue? Would he like your company or is he neutral on this?

    7. Come back for sure. It is only 1 hour away, and you are on vacation for the whole week, yes? Definitely go to the party. It matters.

    8. I’m shocked this is even a question. You should go. I would be pissed if my spouse wasn’t willing to go an hour to support something like this where the bonding can very much have an impact on whether you’re seen as a team player or not. And I’ve sat through countless dinners and parties like this for my spouse as well. It goes with the territory.

      I also wouldn’t be so dismissive of the misreading of the stat. How the CEO feels about someone is often more important than whether it’s a fair feeling or not. It’s one of the reasons I hate start-ups, small companies, family hires or other situations where there aren’t the normal checks and balances against ego.

      1. OP here – thank you for the wisdom! I will go. This was my gut feeling on it, but I didn’t know if I was overestimating the importance of showing up for it.

        Yeah, that is my concern as well. My husband is doing objectively amazing, but it seems like everything comes down to the CEO’s impression.

      2. This this this. Fair or not he’s got to repair damage and you should do everything you can to support that.

    10. I think it’s worth it. I have worked at many startups, and none of them are the kind of place where it’d be “remarked upon” that your spouse didn’t come to the party, in the sense that someone would tell your husband you really should have come or make it an explicit issue… but it’s more the subconscious, having warm human feelings, element, that people can’t quite name. No one will say “I don’t like Joe bc his wife didn’t come to the party, so he must not be loyal to the company”, but when you’re doing hard things, it’s good to have a solid background of positive experiences with a person to fall back on. “Their wife is a pleasant lovely person who I had an interesting conversation with about the red sox” goes in that general positive background bucket.

    11. Totally depends on the company/culture and how good you are at schmoozing, as well as your relationship to your spouse. I am a champion schmoozer and I have helped my husband develop beneficial work relationships as a consequence, smooth out any rough edges. But sometimes I just can’t be bothered to perform at the end of a long day and in those cases it’s better for me to just stay home. It’s never a *problem* for a spouse to not be there, but you can be a beneficial asset if you’re in the right mindset for it.

    12. Two of my nieces (14 and 12; different parents) came to visit me for a week in Southern California. The 12-year-old was a pleasure. Her mother (my SIL) is pretty strict (she is a teacher). SIL will explain a rule, but she has rules and expects them to be followed. I got a lot of please, thank you, and a written note when niece got home.

      The 14-year-old was a PITA. In a week stuffed full of things she said she wanted to do (three days at Disney!) and that cost me a small fortune, she literally never said thank you and said please twice. If I asked if she wanted something, her usual response was “nah” or “sure”. She is completely unable to make polite conversation, communicates in grunts, sulked whenever I said no (e.g. we have lunch reservations; no, you cannot have a snack 15 minutes before, especially since left to her own devices all she would eat is sugar) and was constantly on Snapchat. She complained to my sister because I told her to put her phone away at the table, leading my sister to call and tell me they do not believe in “authoritarian parenting” – although niece changed her tune when I told her if she was uncomfortable staying with me, I would be happy to put her on a plane home but in my house, she would follow my rules.

      The younger one is welcome back. Unless I see an improvement during upcoming family events, the older one is only coming back if my sister brings her, pays for her, and is responsible for her because I am not taking that on again. I just need to figure out a way to communicate that without telling my sister than her parenting has created a child I do not want to be around or that I think the child is irredeemable. (I mean she is only 14; that is a hard age.)

      1. You sound angry about how much money you spent on a 14 y/o. That isn’t the fault of a 14 y/o. Frankly, if these are the sorts of sins that you think make a 14 y/o irredeemable, you shouldn’t be around that child anyway.

        1. I agree — a 14 year old wanting to go to Disney 3x is very normal but also most adults would say no, you don’t need Disney three times in one visit. You should either say yes and not resent the kid for asking, or say no.

      4. I’d be annoyed too. I’d probably just rave about how polite and charming your other niece was but you probably don’t have passive aggressive English relationship with your sister like I do.

      5. You may find the 12 year old more like the 14 year old the next time — testing boundaries and pushing the edges are hallmarks of adolescence. Set the boundaries and rules and consequences — they may test you but you’re such a valuable example of adult authority AND support and love that is different and separate from parents and teachers. Or don’t have them back if it’s too much (and adolescents can be ALOT and exhausting) but please do not favor one over the other. I think adolescents and particularly adolescent girls need all the unconditional love and acceptance they can get. But agree — you should decide what you’re willing to do or spend and hold to that. Even if one or the other doesn’t seem appreciative, I bet they are inside. Sometimes the payoff with teens is the long game and you’ll discover much later how much they valued something. (Been there done that…)

        1. +1

          I really like and value my relationship with my adult nieces. They each went through stages where they were horrible bratty teens. I have no regrets and no hard feelings.

      6. Sounds like your sil knew this little trip would be about judging her daughter and her parenting and your sister thought you were doing her a favor or just wanted to see your niece. Guess your sister was wrong. Also she doesn’t sound like a pita, she sounds insufficiency polite for your standards.

        Keep appraising a 14 year old’s behavior a see if it meets your approval. You know this is how you end up the aunt no one talks to right? The one who keeps updating her will based on perceived slights but no one actually wants your stuff because they have zero good memories of you. If these girls are close I’m 100% sure they’ll BOTH be laughing about how you policed their sugar intake and thought “sure” was an impolite affirmative response.

        Being a fun aunt for a week is the easiest thing in the world. You get to relax the rules as long and everyone is safe. You could have had popcorn and twizzlers for dinner while watching 90s romcoms instead of scolding a teenager about your rules. Don’t want to know what they’re Snapchatting about?

        1. Chill. She sounded like a perfectly kind and reasonable aunty.

          It takes a village to raise good humans and it sounds like she’s doing just that.

    1. From a fellow HS Class of ’85 alum, I was going to say exactly this. Pinstriped jeans were all the rage for a hot minute. Of course, they were also pleated.

      1. Oh wow, now I remember my favorite pair of jeans then were pinstriped baggy pleated jeans. Stylin’!

        1. I had the pleated version in 8th grade. Pretty sure I wore them with a pastel Lacoste polo and boat shoes, and thought I was the shit.

    3. I am pretty sure I had a pair that not only had pin stripes, but barrel legs and a paper bag waist. My mother flat out told me I looked ridiculous in them.

  3. How about a confessions thread? I’ll post mine below.

    Intended to be a **judgement free zone**

    Let me know what’s really on your mind.

    1. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for my sister to give her 5 and 2 year-olds a personal tablet apiece. It’s not my business, not my life, and I still think they’ll regret it. I’m not anti all screentime but I’m definitely anti-tablet for anyone under age like, 12.

      1. Ha! I’m with based on RWE. I got my hand forced in 2020 because of remote schooling during the pandemic for my then 5 and 8 year olds. iPads were less expensive than laptops and easier to procure at that time. And personal devices were needed by all for remote school and remote work. Hate those iPads with a passion.

        1. A lot of school districts are starting to crack down on iPads again, which is a great thing, but progress is probably going to be slow. Now just need parents to remember that kids can and did survive without them.

    2. We flew business to Europe (10 hour flight) and the entire cabin got zero sleep because people had bought their TODDLER a seat and it screamed and yelled mama dada the entire time. They just kept “shusssssssshhhhh”ing it from their own seats, not getting up to comfort the kid, walk it around, anything. Children under the age of… 12? 16? should not be allowed in the cabin.

      1. oh, and this was audible over both foam earplugs paired with noise cancelling headphones, in case you didn’t think we were doing our best.

        1. Not getting up to comfort the little one? Poor kid.
          Sorry you all had to suffer from poor parenting.

          1. !!! I initially read this and thought, well, toddlers be toddlering…but for the parents to sit separately is bananas.

          2. This is against all carriers’ terms of service, and I just cannot believe that no one on the flight attendant staff enforced the rule that minors of that age must sit with an adult who is responsible for them. Liability nightmare.

          3. Oh, wait, you’re just sad that you couldn’t buy yourself out of normal airplane stuff? Girl, bye. Fly private next time.

          4. The parents were seated in the same row as the kid, so it’s not like an unaccompanied minor situation here. But with the size of those seats, it’s not like the kid could snuggle them or see them for comfort. Parents did not get up out of their seats and instead just made general sssssssh noises toward the kid, while still seated separately. That was the worst part, honestly. You’re bringing an unpredictable toddler to a cabin where you know everyone wants to sleep… and then you make no real effort to keep the peace. Rude.

            Sorry for saying ‘it’ – clearly the frustration of that flight is still hanging around.

          5. They sound like cruel parents, but the issue is with their parenting, not with the very concept of children in business class.

          6. The toddlers weren’t separate from their parents. The poster is saying both toddlers and parents were in business class, and was answering “economy” to the “where should they fly if not in business?” question.

            No airline would allow a toddler or young child to be sitting in a different cabin than their caregiver. They don’t even let my responsible 10 year old do it and she spends 98% of any given flight reading quietly on her kindle.

        2. OP asserted that children should not fly “in the cabin” of the plane at all, not just that they shouldn’t be in business class.

      3. Airlines aren’t going to ban children from business or first class because they’re not going to turn down paying customers. Also, it’s likely discriminatory though I don’t know from a legal sense how that would work.

        1. Not sure about that; we go to adults only restaurants for dinner and stay at adults only posh resorts. You should similarly be able to avoid the noise and chaos on a plane.

          1. You certainly can. Fly private. Shoudn’t be a problem if you’re accustomed to “posh” resorts.

          2. Airlines are at least partially government-subsidized in most countries including the US so it’s not analogous to a private hotel or restaurant being adults only. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure there are legal reasons that prevent airlines from doing this. There would certainly be economic demand for an adults only airline or at least an airline that banned children from premium cabins. Cruise lines have had great success with it and more of them are going adults only. I say this as someone who has flown in premium cabins with kids (though not toddlers) and doesn’t object to well-behaved kids in business class, but the demand is clearly there.

          3. I think there is no sufficient demand for an airline to set aside any regular connections for adults only.
            The cruise comparison also doesn’t hold, mostly because a cruise is 100% optional, but plane travel is a mode of transport that many people need to get places, and often no other reasonable alternatives are available. Also, having just come back from my first ever cruise that was more loud theme park than serene getaway, I now wonder how adult only ones compare.

          4. I’m curious which cruise line you went on! The adults only ones are definitely more quiet and luxe overall, but there’s a lot of variation among the all-ages ones and there are some ultra luxury cruise lines like Seabourn that allow children (though not many actually go). If you want to do an adults only one, my ranking is Viking > Oceania > Virgin. Wind Star is also terrific and though not adults only has an age minimum of I think 8.

            Maybe not enough demand for a fully childfree airline, but I really think there would be sufficient demand for adults only lie-flat international business. The majority of people flying in business class are actually traveling on business and most would surely take a childfree option if it was available and priced the same.

          5. I was on a royal carribean cruise, very much a family cruise, and with lots of kids entertainment. Which was fine because it was a family trip for us!

            Sure, if the kid free business (or any class of airline travel) was priced the same, I’d agree that lots of customers would prefer that. But if the company offers something to a narrower customer base with a perk that is attractive to people and at the same time will attract a shitstorm, I automatically assumed they would charge more due to all those factors.

        2. It annoys me to see teenagers in first class. Like very neat that you earn no money and get this perk. Parents set bad examples by enabling this.

          1. Sorry your parents made you think that cool experiences must always, under every circumstance, be earned.

          3. Nope! A lot of parents actually give their kids interesting experiences just because they like them, while still holding firm behavioral expectations. And those kids probably don’t turn into adults who are judging literal children on a plane for … experiencing something cool for 8 hours?

          5. And again, the decision is not inherently a bad one and it does not necessarily “set a bad example.” It can, sure. But it also can be a totally fine choice.

          6. Technically you have to be 15 to be ticketed in a separate cabin from your parents, unless you buy your children “unaccompanied minor” tickets (which is goofy when the parents are flying the same route). There are flight attendants who will look the other way with a well-behaved 13 year old, but many won’t and it’s not a chance I’d ever take because if they won’t let you sit separately you could end up flying in economy next to your kids for the price of a business class ticket, and talk about a terrible deal! I do plan to put my kids solo in economy starting at 15 though.

      4. Oh man I agree. No kids in business class. I love me an adult’s only luxury resort too.

      5. Here’s one for me: I’m so, so sick of people who make child-hating their entire personality. It’s fundamentally antisocial. I don’t care if you don’t have kids – have fun and live your life. But I find it extremely distasteful to constantly proclaim how much you hate them.

        1. I don’t hate kids. I hate parents who make *zero* real effort to calm a freaked-out toddler on an overnight long haul flight.

          2. While I sympathise with the general complaint, callings child “it” sounds a bit Silence Of The Lambs

          3. yeah, my bad on that. Frustration coming out. Mostly with the bare-minimum-effort parents!

          4. I think it’s very strange your brain even went to “it” as a pronoun for a human in the first place.

          7. On the “it”: Perhaps they couldn’t see the child, and did know it’s gender, and didn’t want to misgender or even worse assign it a gender with which it didn’t identify. In a they/them world, a toddler you can’t see can easily become “it”.

        2. I’m not OP, but I actually think it’s anti-child to torture them by taking them on a plane and then make no effort to comfort them when they’re in pain from the pressure changes of landing and take off. I hated this part of flying as a kid and even sometimes still have trouble with it as an adult and I’m certainly more aware of it in a way most adults probably aren’t. I can’t tell you how often I hear little kids howling during the pressure changes while their parents make absolutely no attempt to help them equalize pressure or ease the pain or even say anything to them. That’s downright cruel in my opinion. If you have to fly with your kid, fine, but recognize that it’s often a miserable experience for them and at least try to help them when they’re upset rather than ignore them.

          1. 1. Some people are bad parents
            2. Sometimes, even bad parents need to fly, or choose to
            3. Sometimes good parents are unable to comfort their child, but it looks to others (especially those without kids of their own) like they aren’t trying, or aren’t trying hard enough.

            I also think the fad of taking sleeping meds as soon as the plane takes off exacerbates this problem. Parents might think their kid is asleep, pop a med, and not realize that they’re awake and bothering people. I also have this pet peeve about non-parents – how am I supposed to get up to use the restroom if the person next to me is drugged to oblivion? (One reason I always get an aisle, and if I’m in my non-drugged sleep, I expect to be woken for this reason).

          2. I also always get an aisle seat. People have occasionally asked me to change to a middle seat (lol) or a window so they can sit together, but I decline because I have legitimate reasons for choosing the aisle. I’m happy to switch to another aisle if I’m flying alone, though.

          3. But for point 3, it really is obvious if you’re trying to help your kid pop their ears. If they’re too little to try any of the tricks, they should at least be chewing gum or drinking something (constantly drinking is weirdly still the thing that works best for me, better than any of the ways you’re supposed to clear your ears, which just don’t seem to be that effective on my crappy Eustachian tubes).

          4. Anyone who takes a sleeping pill that knocks them out when solely responsible for watching a child is a bad parent.

        3. I think it’s antisocial to contribute to the overpopulation and downfall of the planet 🤷‍♀️

          5. It won’t be nobody having kids. Such a straw man. The drain on resources on the planet isn’t nothing, despite what MAGA wants folks to believe. Carbon footprint alone over a lifetime, etc. etc. Folks just don’t want to admit that more immigration could help with an aging society. And that not having children for reasons like that is always going to be head over heart anyway.

          6. People will always defend their selfish decisions. Agree w Anonymous that immigration is the answer to our population problems, not more births. There are already enough humans without the resources to thrive. Why add yours, specifically?

          8. That’s a genuine question, btw. You clearly feel you’re entitled to continue contributing to the overpopulation crisis, because you’re here posting on the internet (which is a completely unnecessary and frivolous use of resources, btw). So why are you okay with that for you but not for others?

          9. Oh, and last thing because I worry my comments could be misconstrued: it’s a genuine question but a rhetorical one. I *do* think you should continue existing. I very much do! And I think people should keep having babies if they want to. Big fan of humanity in all its forms over here. Just noting the inherent tension in your position in the hope you can clarify it.

          10. I’m always amazed by the people who look in the mirror and think, “I need to make more people like me.” What hubris.

          12. I exist in the least impactful way possible. Posting on the internet uses a miniscule amount of resources, that’s not a gotcha. I do all the big important things which are probably ‘crazy’ and ‘radical’. I don’t buy anything new, I don’t have a car, I’m vegan, and I’m childfree. Those are the most impactful life decisions. I also spend my days writing environmental laws to regulate corporations, so they cause less harm during your needless consumption.

        4. It’s not hate it’s exasperation. I am old enough to remember when children were usually not disruptive in public spaces, and when they were a parent removed them from the space. I think that’s a reasonable expectation. “Training” your kids to behave in a restaurant or store or wherever was a thing. It also helped with situations like flying where full removal wasn’t possible, though it must be noted that some disruptive kiddos were removed to the bathroom for a stern talking to.

          1. I was a really well behaved kid. I was terrified not to be. I was frequently threatened with physical punishment, especially in situations like airplanes where my parents were being judged by my behavior.
            So were most kids my age. It wasn’t right, but as a parent I’ve been kind of horrified at my frustration that that extremely effective tool is no longer in the tool belt.

            I’ve managed to parents two pretty great kids well past toddler hood without physical violence or the threat of it. My son was a normal toddler, when upset he was comforted with a hug or a snuggle. My daughter? She’ll snuggle but NOT when she’s upset. Her toddler tantrums were always prolonged by our attempts to soothe her. She never melted down on an airplane but I specifically remember being called a bad mom for not comforting her on the soccer field. Against my better judgment I demonstrated what happens when I tried. The accusatory man did apologize. It’s still crummy that my daughter’s rough time got rougher so some red faced dad would stop judging my parenting. The toddler’s parents didn’t owe you whatever performative steps you wanted. Parents are not bad parents just because kids cry and you think they should have parented differently. They probably know their kid better than you. Crazy right?

            Also, I can’t afford business class but I always got my kids separate seats. The baby in arms thing is unsafe. I always had the kids in safety harnesses. It’s really unfair to demand moms hold their kids for international flights. Id much prefer a toddler in his seat to other people’s kids crawling over me in economy. Maybe what you’re really grappling with is that being rich can’t shield you from everything unpleasant?

      6. I mean just get some earplugs and or headphones. You can hear people in the whole plane, if it bugs you, prepare. I say this as a child free person.

        1. There was one grown woman behind me on a flight who did not shut up the whole time. I fell asleep and when I woke up she was still going—I asked my husband if it had stopped at all and he confirmed that she spent the whole time dumping her life story on some poor guy next to her.

          This is what happens when you don’t teach children to behave. They turn into unbearable adults in public.

          1. The guy next to her could have used his words (or earphones) and said “nice chatting, I need to rest now” or something similar. You can’t control other people but you can control yourself. And never fly without earbuds or earphones.

          4. I feel embarrassed for you and your inability to get through having someone talk in the row behind you, especially when you were literally able to sleep through it. Like, how embarrassing to be upset about something that did not even disrupt your sleep?

          5. Haha, are you this embarrassed for everyone in the world? What weird vernacular.

            Annoying people are annoying. It’s not like anyone called the police on her.

      7. 12 or 16? Are you kidding me?

        I fly business to Europe/Asia with my kids (8 and 11) and have for a while. They are often the best-behaved people on the plane — on our last flight to Europe, my younger one laid down and went to sleep before dinner was even cleared. Made not one peep the whole flight.

        I agree that people need to keep their kids, of any age, quiet during an overnight red-eye. I don’t see why that’s different in business or economy, let alone why it justifies some absurd anti-kid biz-class ban.

        1. As a regular business class traveler with no kids of my own: wholeheartedly agreed. I have no issues with kids in any cabin, provided that parents are parenting them. That doesn’t mean that I’m mad if a baby or toddler has an issue on a flight (that happens!). It does mean I’m side eyeing parents who aren’t doing anything to comfort a kid who is having a hard time, but in my experience that’s not a regular occurence, and most kids I encounter while traveling are like yours.

          In short: kids are members of society too, and they learn how to behave in society by being included.

          1. I really think some people just want ugly laws back. If they got their ban on kids, next it would be about adults who they find disruptive for whatever reason.

          2. The UK has laws against anti social behavior for adults. It’s too bad that laws are needed to keep people from being routinely awful to one another.

          3. Laws never seem to be enough to prevent harassment of disabled people and minorities in places where the most privileged expect a curated social experience in public.

        2. How do you propose keeping a baby or toddler quiet? Do you prefer a muzzle, duct tape, or something else?

          1. She’s said multiple times that the parents weren’t putting in any effort to calm the child. No one is suggesting muzzling a child, but you need to manage your kids if you’re going to fly, especially in premium cabins. I have kids, I like kids, kids have a right to be in public spaces, but I would be really annoyed about this too.

    3. I’ve gotten to a very high level in pokemon go in about a year of playing and cannot share this “accomplishment” with anyone other than my spouse and his cousin, who play and got me into this game. I am now a higher level than them and they have played since launch (10 years!).

      1. My MIL is really into Pokemon go, she has a whole community of folks in her neighborhood she meets up with. Perhaps you secretly have like minded neighbors too?

    4. Early miscarriage.

      I won’t be telling anyone in real life (outside of husband and doctors). But I am so unbelievably upset and angry and it’s making me hate everyone who has kids even more than usual.

      1. I’m so sorry. My miscarriage was one of the hardest things I ever went through (and I’ve gone through some pretty bad sh1t). It’s the death of a dream.

    5. I cannot decide whether to stay married. I go back and forth. The good is decent. The bad is eh. Nothing is great. Nothing is terrible.
      And I’m not asking for advice about it in this post.

      1. No advice just commiseration. I remember being in that place and it’s frustrating and confusing.

      2. Ah yeah, we split for a while and are back together and I just don’t know if I made the right call.

        1. For me the decision would turn on whether you have kids. An okay relationship with kids is probably easier on everyone and a lot of dissatisfaction comes from parenting. Without them, I’d rather be single and try for a better life with someone else.

      3. I was in a pretty bad marriage.
        Stayed for 20 years until kids were out of house.
        Now divorced…in an unbelievable relationship and could not be happier. Life is amazing.

    6. A young person I know believes himself to be too profoundly disabled by his anxiety to get a job or go to school. He didn’t want to keep living at home, so he moved into an apartment with his boyfriend, and is now allowing his boyfriend and parents to support him. Parents, whatever, fine…but his boyfriend comes from a really challenging background where his focus should be on school and setting himself up for a more stable adult life. And the boyfriend has now dropped out of community college and is working a variety of low-wage, dead-end jobs to support their household, while the kid I know sits at home playing video games all day.

      Anxiety is real. Mental health challenges are real. I don’t want to discount that: I have an anxiety disorder, I have been so depressed I struggled to function in daily life, and I have had a lifelong struggle with disordered eating.

      But it makes me sick to my f***ing stomach that this privileged, entitled kid would leech off his boyfriend in this way.

      1. I think in Great Britain, there’s a formal social services designation for that – Not Employed, Not in Education, Not in Training. Those young men (let’s be real, it’s mostly young men) are at risk.

        1. Interestingly I knew this type as mostly women living off of their boyfriends when I was younger. It seems like that has shifted a bit to men more recently.

      2. Plus any anxiety this guy has is likely to improve by engaging in real life. Avoidance just makes everything worse.

      3. I think it’s time for us to start discounting “mental health” when it is really just immaturity.

    7. I’m not a hoarder, but I have a hard time throwing out towels. I faithfully replace mine when they get holes or start to fray, but I keep the old ones because… why? In case we have a massive flood? I call them my “raggy” towels and truthfully, there was a time when our basement took on water, but we’ve fixed our drainage situation and in any event, a few extra towels won’t do anything against a real flood.

      1. Same! I have a whole hamper full of old towels. They still technically work. It feels wasteful?

      2. I cut my old towels and any 100% cotton old clothing into dusting and cleaning rags. I have a humongous stack of them in a closet – I could live to a 100 and not use all these damned rags. And yet I continue…

    8. I’m afraid sometimes to leave my house … to drive, what if I drive the wrong way down a one-way street in an unfamiliar area, what if there’s no parking, what if there’s no restrooms, what if I get lost or scammed or robbed or …

      Obviously, everything is fine once I push through and do the thing. But I’m afraid I’ll turn into my grandmother who at 50 started gradually reducing the places she could “safely” go and things she could do until she never left the house or even walked for more than a few steps. She wouldn’t accept phone calls because she didn’t like it when the phone would ring, etc.

      What a slippery slope once you start to limit yourself!

      1. I really doubt your grandma was just “limiting herself.” I’d discuss with a doctor since you share some genes.

        2. Of course she was. This is head stuff, and I’m the same way. (Not OP) You do have to force yourself to push through sometimes. Then one particular fear will resolve and be replaced with something else.

          3. We all have mental stuff on some kind of spectrum. You have to learn to live with it and manage. Not everything requires medical intervention.

          4. Yeah, the medical intervention here is exposure therapy. Which OP is already doing in her own life by pushing through and doing the thing.

            Good on you for fighting this, OP!

          5. I don’t really think that we all have mental stuff on some spectrum. I also don’t think we know what’s mental and what’s medical without seeing a doctor. What if it’s not psychiatric at all? Exposure therapy is not the appropriate treatment for any of the many medical issues that can cause different kinds of anxiety. That kind of thing can help manage the symptoms, but lifestyle choices are not going to treat a deficiency or a cardiac condition or a thyroid disorder, etc.

      2. I feel this way about large social events. Even ones I planned. I have to just tell myself I had a great time last time and that I can leave immediately if I am not having fun. Once there I am fine,

    9. I am pregnant and in my third trimester, just got a high risk diagnosis, and I simply cannot buckle down and focus at work. If it was a larger org I could probably check out and fly under the radar, but this is not that kind of organization and it’s going to become pretty apparent that I’m not hitting deadlines and am doing shoddy work if this keeps up. I feel like crap both personally and professionally and don’t know how to deal with it.

      1. I don’t know, but in a year, things will look different and you have to hope for a better future. Thinking of you and baby!! And sending all good thoughts to you.

    10. I received a very large settlement from a car accident. The accident was awful and in some ways I will never be the same person again. However, I am grateful that it has given me some financial freedom and my family is now able to achieve some financial goals earlier than we planned. I have told no one the dollar amount and my friends and family have no clue (the only people who know are my husband and attorney, ha!).

      1. What’s the dollar amount? This is an anonymous board and there are hundreds of thousands of car accident settlements a year, so it won’t identify you.

      2. I’m also curious about how it changed you that you will never be the same person again? If you don’t mind, can you explain? I’m sorry you were badly injured and glad you got a settlement.

    11. This is more of an observation than a confession (not ashamed of it) but since I began a mom, I’ve noticed that I still feel like myself. I still have the same interests and hobbies as before and the threat that I’d feel erased and like nothing more than “mom” hasn’t materialized. My son has added to my life instead of overwriting it. I’m sure there are other women who also feel this way but it’s not as common to discuss.

      1. The problem with being happy being a mom is that if you say that many people will (1) accuse you of lying; (2) accuse you of being brainwashed by the patriarchy (yes, I really got that one) or (3) say you are smug. Which means that people contemplating parenthood only hear from people who make complaining their entire personality.

        2. I usually get 1 and 3 and that’s with just…existing as a happy mom. I don’t rub it in anyone’s face and I’m not even on social media. I sometimes get questions like “how’s it going with the baby” or “how is motherhood treating you” and apparently responding honestly (that it’s going great!) is smug. It’s not my problem that people are bothered by an accurate answer to the question they asked but it’s an interesting phenomenon. FWIW, it’s more common that the person tries to “take me down a peg” than to outright call me smug.

          1. Yes, omg. I had a friend who actually said “oh, come on, I’ve been a new mom, there’s no way you’re doing this well.” I am? Sorry? Why are you asking me to make up or exaggerate some complaint to make you feel better? Like yes, there are hard parts, but I’m tough as nails and believe I can handle them?

      2. Same. Yes, my kids can incredibly time-consuming, but I never stopped feeling like me.

      3. I wish it were more acceptable to say this.

        I had awful PPD and PPP and the first year of my daughter’s life was brutal. Now, she’s 3.5 and I enjoy her most of the time. However, I also work full time, occasionally travel for work, and have a Saturday night babysitter at least once a month for a dare night with my husband. I enjoy her, but we aren’t together 24/7 and shouldn’t be.

        It should be okay to talk about liking your kid and motherhood AND like working and sending them to daycare. I tend to only see the “I love kids” vibe from trad wife wannabes. My mom friends are like the misery crew and if I share something positive about parenting w my mom, I hear about how my kid is so easy. Moms can’t win.

        1. Maybe you aren’t in a position to relate to the real experiences of others. I think that’s fine, but maybe they see you as bragging/lying and that’s why you can’t have the conversations you want.

          1. That’s the thing – her experience is also a “real experience.” She should also be allowed to share it and connect. There are other moms who would like to as well.

          2. I get that. But I guess that the new mom bonding comes through the struggle. If there is no struggle, the bonding is probably harder. Like congrats for being better than the rest of us? It’s not fair, but I’m guessing this makes up a part of it.

          3. Or maybe her experience is just as valid and real as yours, and the failure to be able to relate to it is entirely on your end.

          4. But she did struggle – all moms do because it’s not easy. As she said and I agree with, you can do tough things and get through them and enjoy motherhood. There is so little room for that perspective, as your responses prove.

          5. Some people live through hard things without perceiving them as a struggle. Things are hard? Duh. Life always has been for women. You just get on with it anyway. Happiness shouldn’t only exist when life is easy.

        2. But you seem to already be winning. Why do you want validation from people who are struggling?

          1. So your view is that only losers should have human connection? Weird take bro.

          3. If you can’t be genuinely okay with other people being happy, the problem is with you. Don’t be a crab in a bucket.

      4. That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you and I think it’s great to model for children, as a bonus.

    12. I’m slowly planning my escape from my handsome charming charismatic… abusive husband. He has everyone fooled, including two therapists. I know I only have one shot at getting out and I need to have this perfectly orchestrated. No one will be on my side and he’s veeeery influential.

      2. We got you! Please post here. There are many past archive posts you can read from people who were there.

        1. Yes, keep us posted and we will provide moral support. You can do it, we are rooting for you.

      5. I’m on your side too, wishing you lots of luck and hopefully enough local support to get you through it.

    13. I am so tired of cooking dinner for my family. Work is awful and the hours are late, and then I have to cook in a state of exhaustion. Ordering pizza or heating up something frozen is never an option because of special diets. I am over it all.

      1. It’s just one more thing at the end of a very long day, perpetually. I hear you. Maybe this is a good reason for meal prep—it doesn’t have to be great, it just has to meet parameters.

      2. I really, really wish special diets were better accommodated somehow. I don’t know how. But I agree that it’s exhausting to have to prepare every single meal.

    14. Reposting because of a nesting fail! Sorry for the duplicate:
      Two of my nieces (14 and 12; different parents) came to visit me for a week in Southern California. The 12-year-old was a pleasure. Her mother (my SIL) is pretty strict (she is a teacher). SIL will explain a rule, but she has rules and expects them to be followed. I got a lot of please, thank you, and a written note when niece got home.

      The 14-year-old was a PITA. In a week stuffed full of things she said she wanted to do (three days at Disney!) and that cost me a small fortune, she literally never said thank you and said please twice. If I asked if she wanted something, her usual response was “nah” or “sure”. She is completely unable to make polite conversation, communicates in grunts, sulked whenever I said no (e.g. we have lunch reservations; no, you cannot have a snack 15 minutes before, especially since left to her own devices all she would eat is sugar) and was constantly on Snapchat. She complained to my sister because I told her to put her phone away at the table, leading my sister to call and tell me they do not believe in “authoritarian parenting” – although niece changed her tune when I told her if she was uncomfortable staying with me, I would be happy to put her on a plane home but in my house, she would follow my rules.

      The younger one is welcome back. Unless I see an improvement during upcoming family events, the older one is only coming back if my sister brings her, pays for her, and is responsible for her because I am not taking that on again. I just need to figure out a way to communicate that without telling my sister than her parenting has created a child I do not want to be around or that I think the child is irredeemable. (I mean she is only 14; that is a hard age.)

      1. Were you a great person at 14? I sure wasn’t. I absolutely don’t think you need to host her again under these circumstances, but 14 is pretty universally awful for all adolescent girls.

        2. I coached a sport of this age group who I had coached the year before. It is a very marked shift and fourteen is an AWFUL age. It’s bad for them, too. Luckily it passed. Phones don’t help.

      2. It is a very hard age, but I would be mortified if my 14yo had acted that way. While it sounds like a very difficult week, she probably views you as a safe person if she was acting like that so far from home. In a few years, she may be entirely delightful.

        1. A safe person? An adult threatened to ship them back. Not OK in the power dynamic. I’d be livid if I were the SIL. I’m not even a parent FWIW.

          1. I would give the kid a little more grace than OP did because this is such a famously terrible age, but “I told her if she was uncomfortable staying with me, I would be happy to put her on a plane home but in my house, she would follow my rules” seems like a perfectly valid statement. That’s less “threatening to ship them back” and more “under my roof, you need to follow my rules” which I think most people would agree is a perfectly valid thing for a caregiver to say.

          2. Lol, ship them back HOME. What is your deal, Anonymous? You seem invested in defending bad behavior to extreme degrees.

      4. This internet stranger also wouldn’t invite the 14 yo back. I wouldn’t write her off permanently as a person, but I also would not host her again on her own.

      5. OP here and adding to my prior comment: I completely understand that 14 is a rough age. I have a college-age daughter and I remember the moodiness of 13-15 all too well . I will be seeing niece multiple times between now and next summer and will be hoping for improvement! I am mostly frustrated with my sister because she wants to be her daughter’s friend but makes no apparent effort to be her parent or teach her even the basics of social etiquette.

        1. Absolutely fair!! I hope she grows out of it (and that the 12 year old doesn’t grow into it!).

        2. I don’t think you are at all out of line for expecting basic manners, even from a 14-year-old. Excusing poor behavior “because it’s hard to be 14” is going to teach her that she never needs to think of anyone but herself. Kids don’t automatically develop manners; they have to be taught. It’s fine if she doesn’t act super enthusiastic, but she needs to say please and thank you, to put away her phone during meals, and to know what is OK to ask for and what she should not be demanding. I have an older teen who visited relatives on her own when she was younger, and I can 100% guarantee that if she had been rude or hadn’t written a thank-you note she would not have been asked back.

          1. Not everyone is the teacher (or the enforcer). I think that steaming about it and not enforcing isn’t helping anyone. But not everyone in their life has to be on manners patrol.

          2. This is what it is to have community—community expectations and norms enforcement.

          3. But I don’t want to be around people who enforce norms on others for the sake of it. Communities worth being in are more inclusive and diverse than that.

          4. People want it all ways and it rarely works that way. Learning to behave is the price of having a community. Do you think the inclusive and diverse communities you reference want badly behaved members?

          5. I think not everyone agrees with you about what constitutes bad behavior, and I think people all over the world understand that adolescents can be self centered and don’t stay that way for life.

          6. But people don’t stop being self-centered by magic. They are molded by consequences, norms, and expectations. This doesn’t stop them from being unique and talented. It hopefully just keeps them from being giant jer ks.

          7. These teens weren’t self centered jerks a few years ago. It’s not their character! They are figuring themselves out and in fact they do get a say about what the social norms of the future will be. I’m sure you have made plenty of decisions that weren’t the social norms of your grandparents. I’m sure you also follow more social conventions now as an adult than you were prepared to follow at fourteen. Unless they’ve been horrid spoiled brats their whole lives I guess? There are whole personality disorders that aren’t diagnosed in fourteen year olds because it’s developmentally normal and temporary without intervention.

          8. “people don’t stop being self-centered by magic”
            Teenagers actually do. Well, not magic. Growing up and maturing and getting their hormones more balanced. I’m all for correcting bad behavior and I think the OP’s reaction was fair. But plenty of teenagers are awful and then become much more tolerable just a year or two later with no intervention except maturity.

    15. Gonna get eviscerated here but – my marriage has been rocky for a couple of years and I have a massive work crush. Turns out the crush is mutual and it’s driving me crazy

      1. Curious—how did you find out it’s mutual?

        Are you familiar with the term limerence? Crushes are risky in that they often do not pan out even if they’re returned— you just don’t know the other person that well yet/they’re not always grounded in reality.

        Maybe most importantly, it’s a sign that you do want out of your rocky relationship as of course you hope for more!

      3. Well, if your marriage has been rocky for a couple of years, maybe it’s a sign to get out?

    16. It should be illegal to restrict access to housing, transportation, recreation, and places of public accommodation based on age. No 55+ housing, no adults-only cruises or restaurants or vacation rentals (and CERTAINLY no adults-only sections of planes, as was suggested above). No property tax caps. Our society needs to be way, way more child-friendly and virtually everything should be arranged for the convenience of people growing their families and building society, not childless adults and the elderly.

      1. We want to move, and all of the new and recent developments in our area with homes under twice the median price are 55-plus. No wonder young people can’t buy starter homes. Everything affordable is age-restricted. I don’t even want an age-restricted home when I am retired because I don’t want to live among only old people, and I think it would be harder to sell with a restricted purchaser base. I would be thrilled if age-restricted housing were illegal.

      2. growing a family does not equal growing society, but yes, I think we need accessible childcare, education, and housing.

      3. It would help so many people so much if more communities moved in the direction of being car-optional.

        1. And many of them not productive. A lot of people seem to think “my genes need to propagate!” But think also that raising kids w manners and boundaries is a BUMMER and NO FUN. No, this is not growing society. Stop raising entitled kids. Stop being entitled adults. Maybe your genes won’t make the world better. Please think harder about your choices before the rest of the world has to deal with them.

          1. This comment definitely has all the hallmarks of being written by a happy, healthy, well adjusted woman.

          4. Yours certainly seems to be, because your comments are making you happy and no one else.

            Be nicer.

      5. Weird take. Childless adults and the elderly are also people who are building or have built society. Unless you think that squirting out kids is the only sort of contribution you, or anyone else, can make. And it sounds like you don’t care about ameliorating restrictions or inconvenience based on age, it sounds like you want to privilege children and parents. The least you could do is be honest about your desire for preferential treatment and disregard for others (especially the elderly) who may need special consideration.

    17. My father has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. I love him dearly. I do not want him to die. But I hope it takes him quickly. My daughter works with advanced oncology patients, and the long, drawn-out, painful deaths she describes are just brutal. I was with him at an appointment this week and watched a much younger man in the waiting area lie down on a bench and curl up in a fetal position because he felt so terrible. I cannot imagine my dad living like that.

      1. If you live near him, and his cancer is an advanced stage, you could help ask about having Palliative Care specialist follow him throughout his care. This this the best way to keep him feeling as good as possible for as long as possible, and easing is final transition. Good luck to you and your father, and I know how you feel.

    18. I don’t understand why it’s international news when explorers/hikers go missing. I don’t know them, didn’t know they were making their trek in the first place, and their now-missing status only affects their family and friends. Brought to you by some dude getting lost in the Himalayas. Like, yeah, it’s a dangerous place that humans aren’t meant to be.

      1. Only because it’s a human interest story I’m guessing. I’m interested not because they are more important than anyone else, but because “what exactly were they doing and why?!”

      2. Agree. Domestic violence? Nah, but something happens to two blokes taking a longer camping trip? Headline news. (Example from my area this week)

      3. Agree, except the nurse who hiked 10 miles while impaled on a hiking pole is absolutely deserving of news.

          1. But think how much worse an ambulance bill is when said ambulance is probably a helicopter –they were 10 miles away from civilization! It’s not like he was at home and the ambulance was five minutes away!

        1. This is such an idiotic comment. You know that trekking is walking, right, and then millions of people do it all the time and don’t deserve to be sneered at when tragedy strikes? Some of you are so miserable, my god.

          2. Those of you who think errands are the most fun anyone should have in life make me sad – you seem to resent people having real fun so much. You will never know the joy of the mountains (or the ocean, or the rivers) if you choose to see life this way.

          4. Maybe we know the joy of things without perpetually opining about the joy of things to others. Joy truly doesn’t need evangelists.

          5. lol, people who understand joy absolutely do not post “do stupid things, win stupid prizes” in discussions of people dying in accidents. Enjoy your next 25 years of chores as me-time.

    19. Lol, judgement free never works, especially if someone DARES to be annoyed at children being badly behaved.

      It’s ok to be annoyed. It does not make you a bad person, it makes you human. It’s the work of parents to make kids into decent humans, and a part of that is instilling in them that their actions affect others and to behave accordingly.

      1. It’s interesting to me how many of you are very confident that a toddler can be *forced* to behave on a flight. That if only these parents had stirred themselves, the child would have behaved in a socially acceptable way the whole time.

        1. Then maybe they don’t travel by plane, they stay home with grandma or family. I get that sometimes that isn’t an option—but the travel is usually elective I’m guessing.

          1. Can I also apply that rule to people who play movies without headphones? Smoke in advance and reek like cigarettes the whole flight? Get aggressive with other passengers? Eat tuna fish? Board with known COVID or the flu?

            You’re better off never expecting or assuming that a commercial flight is going to be pleasant.

          2. I was once on an international flight next to a guy who coughed the WHOLE time. Bad enough. But then when the drink cart came he ordered red wine and milk to drink at the same time and it took everything in me not to vomit. If in my power he would have been given a lifetime ban.

          3. Buddy, if you can’t handle a toddler in business class, you are the one who needs to stay home. How embarrassing to admit to being such a delicate little flower as a full grown adult.

          4. Hi Buddy! No one is berating a toddler on an airplane. But people in first class are paying for a premium experience. Parents ruining it for everyone else are bad people and just wasted everyone else’s money.

          5. Don’t waste your money on a “premium experience” if you can’t afford (financially or emotionally) to let another human “ruin” it by just existing. Either pay to fly private or accept that a toddler might cry or your neighbor might fart repeatedly or snore the whole time.

        2. I’m not the OP of that thread but I’m a lot less bothered if the parents are trying to comfort the child, even if it’s it not really working. It’s really annoying to see parents totally checked out and ignoring a screaming kid. It’s incredibly rude to other passengers and unfair to the kid (this is rare in my experience, but it does happen and seems to be OP’s situation).

          1. Yes, agree with this. If the parents are trying, then that’s all I expect, just like with adults.

            I wonder how some of these posters think adults with disabilities that cause involuntary noises should travel.

          2. Well we just learned that “coughing” and having different beverage preferences is unacceptable and should result in a ban. So my guess is that they think adults with disabilities that bug them should also be banned.

          3. Big leaps of logic! It feels like you enjoy making up the thoughts of others and presenting them as fact.

        1. I mean, the posts are so benign and commenters that feel called out are making the mountains out of mole hills.

          1. I don’t think it’s that people feel called out. I think it’s that people have to listen to these complaints from their IRL friends while thinking “oh god, get over it,” and here, you can actually just say “oh god, get over it!”

    20. My friend started a pro-genocide, pro-dictatorships, anti-trans rant on my birthday (we’ve covered the topic before and she knows my positions, I asked we don’t talk about it any more).
      I left the table to take my dog for a wee. I came back and she was still going, so I cleared the table, put leftovers in the fridge, said thank you for having us and gave her a hug. I gave our friendship a few months space but we are also friends with her husband. I see him regularly. I dropped them off some veges from my garden and texted to say it was me who left them. She sent me an explosively rude text saying how dare I.
      I know she’s not the kind of person who is a good friend for me, but she was for many years, so I’m feeling sad and sorry for myself.
      Why can’t people be decent human beings? Or if not, just pretend for my birthday?

      1. I’m sorry.

        I really miss two friends I lost this year who were bizarrely awful to me at different times. I really tried to find something to feel guilty over, but if I look for a common factor, I think it’s mainly that I ignored red flags because I liked these people and enjoyed spending time with them?

        One was kind of needy and had a tendency to neg me and look down on people, which I felt came from insecurity and let it go. The other was conflict prone with other people and seemed proud of it, and ran hot and cold. I can’t boil it down to extremist politics, though both had some political stances that reflected those tendencies. I figured I’m not perfect either. But things still blew up in the end. Maybe it just comes down to them not liking me as much as I liked them! Or me not knowing how much space to take or give.

        I don’t know why your friend decided to go for every hot button topic on your birthday, or why sharing vegetables made her mad. But I swear friendships have gotten harder than they used to be.

        1. Because she walked a dog and grows vegetables? Or because you think people should listen to heated political rants on special occasions?

          If you’re just annoyed by the list of adjectives, understand that it’s shorthand for the kind of familiar speeches that people pick up from media somewhere and repeat to friends and family over and over again. This can seem to come out of nowhere and can put real strain on relationships.

          2. Not at all. One friend set boundaries that were stomped all over, and then politely disengaged from a situation while also indicating that she still cared about the relationship. That’s not 13 year old behavior. Sorry you can’t stop yourself from ranting at your friends. :/

          3. You’ve really bought into OP’s description of herself as this heroic, put upon friend, huh? Bless your heart.

    21. I don’t know if this is a confession or off my chest:

      The woman who introduced me to my now-ex husband is someone who, early in her own marriage, had an affair. Her husband forgave her, they stayed together, she kept the affair partner in her life for a decade or more….

      I tried to be very non-judgemental about the affair, which happened before I met her, and she had turned over a new leaf and all.

      But damn if it didn’t affect the utter insanity of her “advice” to me. I think she saw this shiny new relationship, unmoored from the baggage she created in her own marriage, and decided that I was the problem for having problems. After all, if her husband forgave adultery and they could survive that, why should I complain about the crap way my husband treated me?

      Lesson learned. People don’t need to be squeaky clean to give advice but I am never listening to someone like that again.

  4. Pagging Senior atorney
    Apart of Loewe I give you other options in different prices points:
    1. The Bag Lab
    2. Hereu
    3. Adolfo Domínguez
    4. Simorra
    5. Pedro del Hierro
    6. Purificación García (they have a tote version similar to the Loewe one)
    7. Eduardo Navarrete
    8. Paris/64
    9. Zahati
    10. Degabriel
    11. Olivia Mareque
    12. Dosper
    13. Maison Admire
    14. Bakari
    15. Miuur
    16. Moi & Sass
    17. Tissa Fontaneda
    18. Leandra Brand
    19. It’s Lava
    20. Hobe
    21. Mauska
    22. Úrsula Hurtado
    23. Bluelow
    24. Zubi
    25. Naiara Elgarresta (NE)
    26. Laia Alen
    27. Phialebel
    28. Lupo
    29. Lonbali (this is a cheeper version of the Saint Louis of Goyard, you will see it everywhere)
    30. Mercules
    31. Micuir
    32. Malababa (you have seen plenty of these used by Q. Letizia)

    If you are sure about Loewe I will choose a Flamenco or an Amazona. It seems everyone has a Puzzle. If you only want a memory Zubi or Malababa and if you want a practical tote the Purificacion García or Lonbali ones.
    Finally if you are a fan of Letizia choices she was carring this summer the tote Massala from Antik Batik and last year a feelmallorca.com Ikat wallet (Ikat is a local pattern used in Mallorca, it is compulsory you buy this if you are there, only please buy a local Ikat)

    1. Wowzers!! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Printing this out and putting it in my secret crossbody bag compartment.

      2. I know you said you were thinking about getting a bag, but Spanish shoes are amazing. My favorite brand is Chie Mihara, and if I were in Spain I would maybe bring home a whole suitcase full of her shoes!

  5. My mom and mother in law talk all the time and it drives me insane – am I off base? My husband talks to his parents once a week. I talk to my parents less often but we live close to them and spend more time with mine (get together maybe twice a month).

    Any time I mention an update to my mom about our life, our kid, etc. she has already heard it from MIL. We are supposed to get together with my parents this weekend where I was planning to share a pretty big update for our family (vacation canceled due to kid medical emergency – all fine now), and my mom just texted me “sorry to hear you had to miss the trip, hope kid is ok”.

    It makes me feel like what is the point of getting together if she knows all our life updates from MIL anyway? I have shared that this annoys in the past but it hasn’t stopped. I don’t mind them being friendly but the singular topic of their “friendship” seems to my nuclear family and it just irritates me. It’s compounded by MIL being being quite toxic and not the most reliable narrator which has led to several misunderstandings in the past.

    I try to be understanding – they are both retirees with not as much going on and they obviously care about us and are interested in our lives, but it just drives me batty. I also want to be able to share things with my parents sometimes and not necessarily have them relayed to my MIL. My parents respect this when I qualify what I tell them in this way but it’s exhausting to do this all the time.

    1. I can see why that would be very exhausting and annoying!

      Not that you should have to do this, but could your coordinate with DH to tell the parents around the same time? Like, he tells his parents on Friday night and you share on Saturday? Or you tell your parents when you see them on Saturday and he calls his that evening or on Sunday?

    2. “It makes me feel like what is the point of getting together if she knows all our life updates from MIL anyway?”

      I mean… you can also just hang out with her because you like hanging out with her?

      1. Yeah, I sympathize with you in general, OP, but that is a super weird comment.

        Otherwise, if you want to be the one who tells your mom updates about your family, why don’t you give her a call more regularly? Your husband must have already shared the news with your MIL…

        1. Yeah, I feel like if it’s something you’re going to want her to know, and you know your MIL will tell before you see her, then just pick up the phone and tell her. Or be okay with the news getting to her before you see her in person.

        2. Anon @ 4:20 and 4:36 you are perceptive. I don’t dislike hanging out with her, but I would say our relationship is fairly surface level. We tend not to have a ton to talk about other than what’s going in our lives. For example, I’ve routinely avoided talking her on the phone about a trip they took or similar in order to try to “save” something to talk about when we’re together.
          I realize that may sound weird to people who don’t have the same kind of relationship with their parents. The surface level nature of my relationship with my mom has actually bothered me for years and I’ve discussed with friends and in therapy. It hasn’t changed much but I’ve starting accepting it more.

          1. I think that’s your issue, then. You want a relationship you don’t have, and you feel like your MIL is undermining the thin relationship you do have.

            I guess I would ask whether saving this stuff up is really working for you in deepening the relationship in the first place. It doesn’t sound like it’s been a good strategy. Maybe pivoting to doing things together — even if it’s just playing a board game or pulling weeds in the garden — would make it so the time together can be spent simply
            being together, rather than either trying to force a deep conversation or run through a checklist or updates. There’s something really magical about working in parallel that creates an opportunity for depth without forcing it.

          2. +1 to the 5:31 poster. I would try to shift your time together from talking to doing – board games, puzzles, taking the kids to the zoo, etc.
            I get it, I’m not close to my mom but I really do not think you can police your MIL’s relationship with her or fault your MIL for mentioning major news like this.

    3. That sounds frustrating. But it also sounds like your family is wanting more frequency of communication and isn’t getting it. If it’s something so special, you should share it instead of waiting a few weeks. Otherwise, that’s open game.

      I also don’t think what you consider a “pretty big update” is something most people would categorize the same way. A change in vacation due to a sick kid wouldn’t have even occurred to me as spilling the beans like the way a pregnancy or job change or what have you would be. And especially if you think it’s too much trouble to qualify something you don’t want shared–it’s either important or it’s not.

    4. I can see how this would be frustrating. If I’m hearing your correctly, your two issues are:
      1.) “MIL being being quite toxic and not the most reliable narrator which has led to several misunderstandings in the past.”
      2.) Key information being spread outside your family at different times, causing mom to have already heard it.

      Unfortunately, you can’t control #1.
      So, for #2, it sounds like you don’t mind your mom and MIL being friends necessarily (and it’s natural that they would share info), but want to be able to share big news with your mom on your terms. Maybe you can coordinate with your husband on when specific news is told, and that would help the flow of info to your mom.
      Best of luck!

    5. I’d find it super annoying, for sure, but I’d also be hurt (as your mom) that I didn’t hear about a grandchild’s medical emergency from you more quickly.

      1. +1. She heard about it from a third party, which was probably scary and contained bad intel from your toxic MIL, and had no choice but to acknowledge to you that she had heard it. She wasn’t going to sit on the news and pretend she wasn’t worried.

    6. I totally understand why this is annoying! I’m less clear what you can reasonably do to change it, unless you can convince your husband to talk to his mom less often or not mention certain things until you’ve seen your parents, but it’s not unreasonable that you find this irritating, I would too! Aside from the issue of your parents finding our news from MIL, it’s just unpleasant to feel like you’re constantly being talked about behind your back. If they want to be friends on their own terms and talk about their own lives, great, but it would creep me out to know that my mom and MIL were frequently talking about me.

    7. OP here – really appreciate the perspectives here. Your takes have inspired me to lean into my relationship with my mom more (more calls, updating about things more frequently). I need to be kinder and work on seeing things from my mom’s point of view. Ain’t nothing any of us can do about a toxic MIL, but I need to work on myself/not allowing MIL to drive a wedge between my me and my mom.

      1. I hope it works out well for you and her! Good on you for taking input graciously as you thought it applies to you — a rare and valuable skill.

    8. If your in-laws can’t be trusted to keep something to themselves, I’d be very clear with your husband when you don’t want something revealed to your in-laws. You could also tell your MIL to keep a secret if you feel like she could handle that task (mine never could). She might even like it!

      My mom loves to create drama and dispense family gossip. That said, she will keep secrets if specifically asked.

    9. Can you mentally filter certain things to share with MIL and other topics with your own mom? And find another focus for your conversations other than mainly info sharing admit your family with them?

      Also agree that it’s kind of odd to ration medical emergency news for several weeks, and to qualify your change in vacation plans as though they were on par with a pregnancy announcement or some other life altering diagnosis.

  6. A poster on 7/31 asked about replacements for a stackable washer-dryer. We bought a model a few years ago and it’s working great. Bought it at Costco but they had the same model at Home Depot as well:

    LG Single Unit GAS WashTower with Center Control 4.5 cu. ft. Front Load Washer and 7.4 cu. ft. Dryer

    1. I bought my mom the LG wash tower 3 years ago and concur that she’s been very pleased.

  7. Since there was morning chatter re Flock cameras, here is an item that specifically mentions one: https://www.wsoctv.com/news/local/deputies-search-catawba-river-connection-with-hickory-womans-disappearance/GXTDDR2T5ZE3RCC5LPUIFS2CGU/?utm_content=image&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwdGRjcATZ7_BwZG9mBWZkaWQWULn4rjpmEiJwpZhMhwlybSLVvtkOfGV4dG4DYWVtAjExAHNydGMGYXBwX2lkCjY2Mjg1NjgzNzkAAR5P_0yKCfvT7t45-MzsTtd42NnzWrWSk8m2nzKrWPgkhiVnJM2n7ZQkj64u_A_aem_3sYu8aNaUkcC7FuPCRbEpQ#Echobox=1785530932

    1. I missed yesterday’s thread about Flock cameras. I detest them and wonder why we have to have referendums about every dumb thing but not on something this invasive. We just accept it for our “safety.”

  8. Property tax update!

    I posted yesterday about the 25% increase to my property taxes. Good news is the clerk made a mistake. The increase is 11.5%. Tenants are relieved, as am I.

    3. I’m glad it wasn’t as bad as originally feared. 11.5% is still a lot though, and may be worth appealing.

    4. What kind of locality is this that a mistake of this nature can be made and so quickly spotted?

  9. I’m looking for something similar to the MM Lafleur Merritt Jardigan but shorter or petite-sized. I am 5’1″ and think the Merritt will be way too long. Any suggestions?

  10. I am so, so tired of preteen sass and backtalk. I understand they’re growing and this is normal. And also, I’ve taken more deep breaths and bit my tongue more times than I ever predicted trying not to snap back at them! Any tips welcome, I just have days I am so sick of it and I want to put them in timeout again (but then again, they’d probably say “I’m too old for timeout, you can’t make me” in their best haughty voice. Haha) I love them so much and feel woefully unprepared for this stage.

    1. No advice. Just don’t do what my parent did and chase your kid around with a knife. Bless my bff’s mom for rescuing me whenever that happened.

    2. I am not above saying “if you are rude I will not want to spend time with you or do things for you.” And if they leave messes or don’t do their chores, they are not allowed to have friends over or go out.

    3. My tween tried “you can’t make me” and we proved to her pretty fast that we could by taking away things she actually cared about. They’re too old for timeout, sure, but you control their allowance and how much they get to see their friends. My sympathies though, it’s a hard age.

    4. I controlled the WiFi password and provided the taxi service. Those are not items I was willing to share with rude people.

    5. Sit her down, explain the problem as calmly as you can. Give her the respect of treating her like a rational person. Tell her you understand that things are hard but you are not her emotional punching bag and she needs to learn self-control and emotional regulation because those are things she will need later in life. Explain clearly what the rules are going to be moving forward. And then confiscate her phone, change the WiFi password, and refuse to play taxi service when warranted.

      I got frustrated when I would say “please do X before dinner” and she would “forget”. Finally, I said if X was not done, then she had to follow instructions immediately for a week. Then we would start over and test her ability to remember to follow directions. Talk back to me, roll your eyes, slam the door? Your access to electronics and all your friends is something I pay for and I will not be treated or spoken to like that. I am cutting you off for 24/48/72 hours (one notable time for a full week).

      I found the secret (and this is the hard part) is to be calm and matter of fact. The minute you raise your voice, you lose. And you cannot hold a grudge. Once the time is served, you start over and try again. You are teaching, not punishing. We got to the point where all I had to do was give her “the look” and she would stop herself mid-sentence and say “let me try that again.” But you have to be consistent and prepared to follow through.

  11. I just bought a linen blazer and am not sure how to wear it. What do you think about pairing a linen blazer over silky, almost satiny fabrics? It looks wrong to my eye but the Internet says it is good to mix the contrasting textures.

    1. This sounds gorgeous if they’re similar colors (e.g. cream blazer over cream silk dress or cami). Anything else feels off. Maybe too Daytime versus Evening?

    2. I hate the idea, but maybe try it out and see how it feels. Sometimes I surprise myself.

    3. Like, linen blazer with a satin top and trousers, in colors that work together? Fine.

      Linen blazer over a silk slip dress? I’d feel like I was wearing a nightgown and tried to hide it.

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