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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Happy MLK Day! We hope you have off from work today, but if not, here's a post to start your morning. I don't usually think of Bottega Veneta for clothes, but this wool skirt with prominent pockets and buttons is lovely and has such a light, happy shade of pink. It's $1,670 at Net-a-Porter and comes in sizes 38–48. Wool-Blend Drill Skirt
You can find a much more affordable option at Brooks Brothers, where this wool-blend skirt with flap pockets and buttons is on sale for $59 and comes in sizes 2–14. Another alternative is this pale pink pencil skirt on sale for $16.97 (!) at Nordstrom Rack.
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- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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A
I love this colour combo…but I don’t think the pieces would work for any but a casual office.
Especially the skirt.
Mrs. Type A
Yea the design of the skirt is pretty unique and may not fit with formal attire. If you wore tights, boots and a blouse with a cardigan it could be a totally different look though.
Anonymous
What color tights would you wear with this? I’m trying to picture the outfit.
Anonymous
Not Mrs. Type A, but I’d wear gray. Ideally with gray boots, but I don’t own any.
Cat
I agree. This looks like the kind of thing that Duchess Kate might wear to a daytime engagement at a children’s hospital since it reads “cozy-friendly-polished but approachable” to me — maybe with a chocolate turtleneck and tights/boots.
Anonymous
I would do a gray turtle neck, gray tights, black shoe. Or a black blouse black tights black boot
Anon
I’d style this with all cream and tan or light beige.
Anon
I would wear this with a black turtleneck. I love black/light pink together. Or a silky cream blouse for texture contrast.
Anon
I saw this skirt and thought that my 17 year old daughter would like it. Then I remembered it was Monday and I looked at the price….
I like it in theory anyway
Ellen
Theory is one thing. If Dad found out I paid $1670 for this skirt, I would be banished from the house until Rosh Hashanah! The funny thing is I had a skirt like this in high school, that mom bought from Rosevelt Field. I can’t imaging she paid more then $79 for it! FOOEY! It’s no wonder that we have to make so much more these days to afford nice thing’s! DOUBEL FOOEY! Also, I want to report that I did NOT walk to work today. It was to cold. I took the bus! If Dad sees how quickly I covered the 2 miles, he will figure it out. I am walking around the office now to try and make up the steps, just in case! YAY!!!!!
Anon
I definitely wore a skirt like this in the 90s.
Senior Attorney
And I wore a skirt like this as a little girl in the 60s!
Anon
Definitely not my style. Those pockets….
Anon
That skirt has some potential, but the pockets are massive and it’s just a bit too twee (even by my girly standards).
Anonymous
Does anyone have advice to make drip coffee taste less like drip coffee? I’m trying to cut back on Starbucks mochas etc to save money but even with half-and-half and sweetener, I just don’t care for it as much.
Anon
I think what you’re missing is the milk content. Can you try warming about 1/2 cup of milk in the microwave and adding that instead of the half and half? And make the drip strong.
Anon
And you can stir hershey’s Syrup into the hot milk to make it a mocha.
Monday
Would you consider a pre-made chilled coffee item? There are many at the grocery store. I like Califia Farms (which makes mocha) and Stok, which has a chocolate-flavored cold brew.
Anon
Suggestions:
Buy higher quality coffee.
Don’t make drip coffee. Try a French press or an espresso maker.
Heat and froth the milk.
Buy flavoured syrups or Ghirardelli chocolate.
Seafinch
Yup, I have the mini French press from Ikea at work. I hate drip coffee and don’t ever drink it. Warm, frothed milk also.
Em
My family has a hot chocolate mix recipe that consists of powdered milk, nestle chocolate powder, powder coffee creamer, and powdered sugar. I occasionally mix a spoonful into my coffee (which I normally drink black) as a treat, and it sounds like it would be close to a mocha.
In-House in Houston
Sounds delish. Recipe please? How much of each? TIA
My grandmother did this
My grandmother used to make this and give us all big jars of it for Christmas. That and spiced hot tea mix that was basically instant tea and Tang. Thanks for the memory! Her recipe was something like this, but without the cayenne. – too hipster for my East Texas grandma!
https://altonbrown.com/hot-cocoa-mix-recipe/
Anonymous
French press, mocha pot, nespresso…
Most home coffee makers make weak coffee. There are better coffee makers out there that make good strong coffee at the right brewing temperature (e.g. Specialty Coffee Association approved and perhaps knock-offs thereof), but these are almost certainly overkill for making a mocha.
Monte
A grande mocha at Starbucks has 42 grams of sugar. You are probably putting nowhere near that in your drip coffee. If you really want to duplicate the taste, richer milk and more sugar (like the Hershey’s suggested above) is going to be necessary.
JB
Agreed that you need to increase the strength of your brew. Even with a standard drip coffee maker you can add more coffee grounds and less water to make a stronger cup
MagicUnicorn
Use better quality beans and a brewing method that is not drip. French press, aeropress, chemex, etc. all make amazing coffee. It takes a little while for your taste buds to adjust if they are used to one specific drink but it is a more pleasant transition if you use great beans instead of mediocre ones.
C2
I keep instant expresso powder at home, some days on very cold days when I need a boost, and I’ll dump a big spoonful in hot chocolate.
Anonymous
Electric milk frother/heater! Something like this:
https://www.amazon.com/VAVA-Functionality-Stainless-Operation-Temperature/dp/B07F9K5QS3/ref=mp_s_a_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1548093257&sr=8-8&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=electric+milk+frother&dpPl=1&dpID=41i9jNfanbL&ref=plSrch
Anonymous
can you buy n”fun creamer”
OP
Thank you, all! You’ve given me a lot of ideas to try!
lsw
I would set something on fire with the static sparks I would have after a day in that outfit!
Housecounsel
My Keurig with the milk-foaming attachment and Starbucks 2X caffeine K-cups keeps my from going to Starbucks . . . sometimes.
BackToWork
Wise moms- I am a first time mom to a 11 wk old baby and going back to work next week. What can I do during my last week of maternity leave to make my life easier for my return to work ? So far, I’ve picked out outfits in advance, streamlined beauty routine, made a pumping schedule. Grandma will be watching the baby at home for now and we’ve also hired a nanny. Baby doesn’t sleep well so I’m expecting to be exhausted!
I posted on the moms board too but don’t seem to see my comment. Maybe in moderation?
Anonymous
I did a three week meal plan and three week wardrobe plan. It was helpful to not need to figure out dinner but also to not feel like I was eating the same stuff all the time. DH and I split cooking. I also had a wardrobe plan because that way I didn’t need to worry if my tired brain had be wearing the same clothes on Friday and Monday or every Tuesday. Feeling put together from a wardrobe perspective made mornings easier and made me feel more like myself at work.
Also, put together an office box or bag to bring in during your first week to restock your office if you cleared out your office before leave – mints/gum, extra tights, bandaids, aspirin etc. I also liked having a framed picture of baby in my office but YMMV, i know others find it makes them miss baby more.
Anokha
+ Extra pumping parts at work in case you happen to forget something at home!
Anon
Pre-make a few dinners for the week and freeze them. Also, have a few healthy snacks ready to go for when you get home – after being home all the time and if you’re pumping, you’ll be starving by the time you walk through the door.
But most importantly, soak up your last week of leave with your little one and stock up on tissues – good luck!
Ducky36
Try to relax and remember how capable you are. No matter what you do this week it is going to be hard to go back to work. I went back full time when my first baby was 11 weeks. You just need to trust that everything is going to work out. Get ready to accept help from anyone who offers. Don’t expect perfection from yourself in the first month back. Don’t judge yourself for whatever you feel during this time. We’re all rooting for you! You can do this!
HM
Make a pump kit or put together a kit of your pump stuff- spare parts, Medela waterless cleansing wipes, snacks, etc. I should have bought a spare hands free pumping bra to keep in my bag. Make sure you know how you will be storing your milk during the day and prepare accordingly- I didn’t have enough ice packs and needed to buy more. Stock up on lots of bottles and bottle parts. Also, just a word of encouragement- I thought my first week back would be a lot harder than it actually was. It was so nice to get back into my schedule and see my work friends, and I felt confident my LO was in good hands. Being at work away from LO all day helped me feel more present with him when we were together. Wishing you a great transition.
Anon
Check out Pinch of Yum’s 12 freezer meals – you can make them in the crock pot or Instant Pot. I found they hit all the marks – easy to put together and freeze, easy to make, budget-friendly, and make several meals worth of food. They’re easy to hit repeat on, too. I’m eating the detox lentil stew right now, in fact, and it’s a deliciously ugly brown bowl of filling, nutritious goodness.
Anon
I have sort of the opposite advice. I treated the first couple of weeks of going back to work like I was in survival mode, much like the first couple weeks after the birth of the baby. I didn’t do any socializing or networking events at work – just put in the minimum hours so I could home ASAP – and we didn’t do any cooking or cleaning at home (lots of take-out, meal delivery and eating frozen food, and we pretty much only ran the dishwasher for plates, utensils and pump parts). You have a long time to figure out how to be an awesome working mom who makes healthy meals and hangs out with her girlfriends. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself in the beginning. At first it’s all about survival.
EB
This is great advice. Also, accept that you’re going to spend time staring at pictures of your baby on your phone when you’re supposed to be working. Seriously, 20 minutes would go by and I would snap out of it like “what just happened?!” Maybe that doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happened to this mom who was thrilled to be back at work but still missed her kid like whoa.
Anonymous
I have two warm-weather trips coming up (one at the end of January/early February, and one in March). I want to get some cute new outfits/swimsuits but I’m having a hard time finding things because I live in a part of the country that is very cold and snowy at the moment. I know online shopping is an option, but I’m getting a little frustrated with the seemingly endless cycle of package returns — I want to just try things on and the store and come home with pieces that fit! Any suggestions for brick-and-mortar stores in the midwest where I can find things like shorts, sundresses, maxi dresses, and swimsuits? I’m in my late twenties and am willing to spend ~$50-$100 per item. Thanks in advance!!
Anon
I don’t live there so I don’t have any specific suggestions, but in my experience big department stores have lots of bathing suits this time of year because of people going on vacation. Maybe try Macy’s or similar? Also, I was in an Old Navy the other day and they had tons of spring/summer stuff out – you could find cute cheap sundresses and shorts there.
Anon
Target usually has some things, too. You will get better stuff buying online. For vacations, I always look at 6pm. I just activated a free Shoprunner account via my Amex and have found that 2 day shipping and the returns super easy when I was looking for a few pieces. Or buy from somewhere where you can easily return to a store (LOFT, Banana Republic, etc).
Cat
+1 for Target. My (mid Atlantic) local store has a decent sized swimwear selection on display.
Anonymous
Do you have a Tommy Bahama near you?
Anonymous
A friend in the Seattle area just got engaged, and I’d like to send her some congratulatory wine/champagne or chocolate/baked goods. Does anyone have any suggestions? I looked at Harry & David, but their shipping cost was fairly outrageous and it wouldn’t ship for like two weeks. She’s in the Redmond/Kirkland area.
Vicky Austin
I’ve heard that Costco wine is actually really good, and their headquarters are in/near Seattle. (Not sure about Costco champagne…)
C2
In the MSP, I can use Amazon Prime Now to deliver from our local liquor store, Surdyks.
I looked up Seattle – they can deliver wine/liquor there. Go to Amazon Prime Now, input her address, search for what you want and have it delivered. Maybe tell her something is coming within a certain time window and verify that she’ll be there, or if she’s in an apartment/condo, there’s someone to sign for the alcohol/accept delivery.
Anon
I think you can do the same with Postmates, if they are in the area.
Ms B
Dilettante Chocolates is my fave in Seattle and they ship.
Gift advice needed
What gift, if any, is appropriate to give when a formerly close friend’s child gets married? I was not invited to wedding, have never met the child, and heard of the news after the fact. Neither the parent nor child is local to me so any gift would need to be shipped.
Vicky Austin
I have been on the receiving end of this exact phenomenon lately, and people have sent us nice cards, a few with a check. I promise you we appreciated it just as much :)
pugsnbourbon
I don’t think you need to send at gift. You could send a card or note to your friend with warm wishes but a gift isn’t necessary.
Anon
I would send a card, but not a gift.
Anonymous
Genuine question: Why are you sending a gift? This sounds to me like a time for a card or letter to your friend to reconnect and express happiness that her child is doing well.
Bottom line: I wouldn’t send a gift at all. But you may be responding to a social norm in your circles that isn’t in mine.
Cat
+1 — it sounds like you’re still Holiday Card friends and found out from a Happy New Year card, or similar? NO obligation to send a gift whatsoever.
Anon
+1 If you weren’t invited, why would you send a gift??
Anon
Don’t send a gift. If you heard about this through a wedding announcement mailed to you, it’s just a gift grab. I would not even feel obligated to send a card. If you are still social media or texting friends with this person, “I saw your son/daughter got married – congratulations!” is more than sufficient.
Anon
A bit cynical. Some people just find it nice to send an announcement.
Vicky Austin
+1
Anon
Yeah, no, it’s tacky to mail a paper announcement about your child’s wedding to people who have never even met your child. If you want your more distant friends and acquaintances to know your kid got married, make a FB post with a few wedding photos, and the congratulations and well wishes will pour in. A mailed announcement is too much and feels like a gift grab.
Anon
+1
For an anecdote, my ex husband and I had the small no-gifts-please wedding we wanted, over his mother’s objections, and then she independently had an announcement printed and sent it to all of her friends and distant relatives we’d never met. So then we got a lot of gifts we didn’t want from people we didn’t know and had to write a pile of thank you notes to people ….
I was embarrassed because it came across as a gift grab on our parts, when really it was an I-didn’t-get-enough-attention grab on her part.
I’m sure you are not surprised to hear she is my ex-MIL.
Pretty Primadonna
Right! Some of these commenters sound miserable.
I have received and sent gifts based on the strength of my parents’/my relationships. It is not far-fetched.
Nor is a mailed wedding announcement a “gift grab.” Maybe it is a regional and/or “high society” thing (I’m Southern).
You all are probably the same crowd complaining about milestone birthday celebrations, so I should have expected that same sentiment surrounding this post.
Anonymous
Why on earth would you give a gift?
Anon
Yeah, this. You’ve never even *met* the child. We got wedding gifts from a few of my parents’ friends, but they were all people who’d had quite a bit of contact with me when I was growing up and were still in regular contact with my parents. It sounds like you and the parents are no longer friends, so I’m not really sure why you’d reach out at all, let alone send a gift.
Anon
What do you think about “vaguebooking” – that is alluding to a difficult situation on Facebook without going into any details about what happened? I don’t think anyone owes their many Facebook “friends” (who I know are mostly acquaintances) a deleted explanation of a painful event, but then why do you need to post about it at all? I feel like if I, for example, got divorced, I’d either post a direct “FYI, Husband and I have separated” announcement, or I’d simply say nothing and let people figure it out when he stopped appearing in my pictures. The in-between hinting about what’s going on without saying so outright feels kind of attention-grabby to me, because ultimately it keeps people speculating a lot longer. And I also feel like it kind of puts your friends and family in a weird spot about how to respond. Someone I used to be very good friends with announced a pregnancy on Facebook and then (fairly late into the pregnancy) started posting about grief, pregnancy loss awareness, thanking people for their support, etc. I assume but don’t know for sure that she lost the baby? We’re not close enough that I can text her “what’s going on, are you ok?” but we’re close enough that if she lost a baby in late pregnancy I feel like it’s pretty $hitty of me not to acknowledge it.
Anonymous
I just unfollow anyone who does this.
...
Vaguebooking in this case could well be that saying the words is too painful. Rather than asking for details or ignoring it, I’d comment something like, “I’m sending you love and I’m here if you ever need an ear or a shoulder!” That acknowledges it and shows support without asking her to say what she may not be ready to say.
As for vaguebooking in general, sometimes this occurs because people have both loved ones and complicated relationships on fb. That often leads to surface-level info, without it being an attention grabbing goal. That said, if you’re not close enough to someone who you think is vaguebooking, I’d just assume the additional details aren’t meant for you and I’d either comment with support or I’d scroll past.
Anonymous
Usually vaguebooking is just about getting attention.
In the case of a late pregnancy loss, it’s probably just an oversight that they haven’t made an official ‘announcement’. My sister lost her baby at 40 weeks and it was a good 4-6 months before she was back to herself in terms of social media engagement, I wouldn’t judge her about anything she posted in that period. Not that I normally judge her otherwise of course. If she’s on your FB, just message her that you’ve noticed her postings, you’re not aware of the details but you hope she is well and receiving good support from close friends and family (or whatever you think it appropriate).
Never too many shoes...
Vaguebooking is for people who love drama. And want the attention of people who will then text them to ask what is happening and are they ok. Hard pass.
Anonymous
Yup. Exactly.
Anon
I don’t know, I think in the situation you’re describing I wouldn’t judge my friend for how she was handling it. It seems pretty mean and thoughtless to be judging her Facebook posts when it’s pretty clear she lost a pregnancy.
NOLA
Agreed. I have a colleague from another department who announced a pregnancy over the summer last year, mainly because they were on a trip to Europe and it was going to become obvious that she was pregnant. They then went dark and a few weeks later, very sadly announced that right after they had announced the pregnancy, they lost the baby. It was devastating and horrible, especially when they were still in Europe. She got pregnant again at the end of the year and never announce anything until probably two months before the baby was born. I saw her on campus in the spring and she was obviously pregnant, but I totally understood why they didn’t announce anything for the second pregnancy.
Anononymous
That’s completely different though. Keeping your pregnancy (or any other aspect of your life) off of social media entirely is in no way vaguebooking. Even if you’ve announced a pregnancy publicly and then choose to keep a loss private, that’s not vaguebooking. Vaguebooking refers to making (usually numerous) posts about a situation that are deliberately vague and don’t tell anyone what’s going on, but drop serious hints that you’re going through something bad, so everyone will leave you comments like “omg are you ok!? thinking of you!!!” It’s not about keeping deeply personal news to yourself, it’s about seeking out attention and wanting validation from all the concerned comments.
Suburban
Agree. Op, I’m not sure this is vague booking as it seems pretty clear she’s lost a pregnancy. You might reach out and say something along the lines of “hey, I’ve gleaned from your posts that you’ve suffered a loss and I’m sorry, ect.”
What’s more annoying is the random “sometimes people betray you in the most heartbreaking ways..” posts or the “I never knew I could feel so much emotional pain” or whatever seemingly triggered by nothing.
Kapow!
If she was pregnant and now she’s posting about loss and grief that’s a pretty good sign she’s lost the baby and grieving.
Is there a reason you can’t reach out by commenting on one of her posts or DMing her? Just say something like “It sounds like you’re going through a tough time right now. You and your family are in my thoughts!” Or whatever words sound like you and feel appropriate to your level of friendship with her.
Vaguebooking does drive me bonkers, but moreso if someone does it a lot. In those cases it definitely feels like a pattern of attention grabbing.
If someone only rarely does it, then I assume that they’re going through something that’s unusually difficult and which they don’t feel they can get into on the internetz but they’d like some support from their community. I comment something vague and supportive on those posts but will scroll right past a dramabomb acquaintance’s 347th “Ugh! Life! Why are you so terrible?!?! #mercuryinretrograde #whyme #dontask” post…
Anon
I am social media friends with the wife of one of my long time guy work friends. I met her IRL just once but she added me on social media. She posts a lot about pregnancy loss (links, quotes, etc). She apparently has or had an ongoing problem with serial miscarriages.
I don’t judge her at all for not also posting “I’m pregnant” and then “I lost the baby.” I can clearly figure out what’s going on from what she does post. And so can you, OP. I’m not a fan of vague booking but to get mad at a woman who is going through this kind of loss because she didn’t make it easy for you by making the specific announcement you would like her to make…. well, that is galling to me. Grow up a little. This is not about you.
SSC
Agreed. This seems like a self-centered take on things.
Anon
+ a million to your last two sentences.
Anonymous
How do you deal with spontaneity as far as family? My husband’s mom stopped by this weekend at around four while our toddler was napping to chat with my husband. She hung out a while and told us she and my husband’s stepdad had plans for dinner and a movie. Stepdad called and came over (no one – us or mil -invited him bc we thought they had movie plans). He came over and started fishing for a dinner invite. I ducked out to pick up laudry; our washing machine broken and we were doing it at my moms; I guess they left. My husband wasn’t mad but I’m sure they wanted to stay.
Here’s the thing: I know I’m the bad guy for not inviting them to stay for dinner but I just wasn’t ready for them. The meal I had planned was :1. Not vegan (mil is) and 2. Not gourmet (both can be very vocal about my cooking) I’m trying to stick to a diet and its so, so frustrating when I can’t execute the plans I make.
I have worked really hard to keep the house company ready-ish most of the time. So it’s fine for them to stop by, but I just feel so much pressure to entertain them with a full meal at zero warning. Am I supposed keep a full gourmet vegan meal for five just at the ready at all times? FWIW, my husband doesn’t care and will say “ just order Indian food or something,” but I feel like my meal plans are important too and I resent hard that theyre sabotaged without warning.
My mom says a “good” mil would never just drop by, especially around dinner time, and that working moms with kids can’t be expected to entertain this quickly. My husband says , infuriatingly, that this is pressure I put on myself.
Is this a mindset thing? Or a try harder thing?
Anon
You did nothing wrong. Your in-laws are impolite clods. You can show this to your husband. Most of all, he should be on your side, and oh yeah, if he wants to invite them to dinner then why can’t his ass cook dinner?
Anon
Sounds like you and your husband are on the same page that they can drop by to visit but not stay for dinner on short notice. That’s what matters. Your MIL does sound unreasonable if she’s actually fishing for a last minute dinner invite (which it’s not clear to me she is), but I’d also tell your own mom to MYOB and not make judgements about what a “good” MIL would do. That’s not helping. And I don’t think you’re really being expected to “entertain” – most people don’t consider having family over as entertaining and it sounds like they’re perfectly ok not being invited for dinner. It sounds like there isn’t really a problem except in your own head/in your discussions with your mom.
Anonymous
Yeah I saw my mom because when I went back to do the laundry, I was pretty much in tears. I hate that I’m the kind of woman who can’t get her sh*t together enough to entertain her in-laws ( without resorting to frozen food, see below) and yes, I hate that I’m overweight and need to diet and can’t just eat takeout. But, also I just felt so, so, setup to fail. Like I was on my way back from the gym and just wanted to figure out an emergency laundry situation, make some healthy food, and live my life. Now, no warning, I’m a either a jerk who doesn’t invite them over or a lowlife who serves frozen meals to her mil and ww recipes to company. Or I eat Indian food and rearrange the rest of my weekend to account for the points and figure out when else to make the chili I had counted on and a whole different meal plan for the following day. It’s just so nerve racking. I feel like I can never win.
Anonymama
No one thinks you are a jerk! Even if your in-laws did want the dinner invite, it doesn’t sound like they were mad not to get it, and if they were, that’s them being unreasonable. Life happens! Some families are more formal and wouldn’t just drop by but the ones who do usually would NOT expect a dinner invitation or a specially cooked meal. This was NOT a failure, it was totally normal people acting like reasonable normal people. Also dieting is sooo hard and maybe it is causing you to feel out of sorts? Take it easy on yourself, you’re doing just fine!
Anon
I kind of agree with your husband, but I think it is so family dependent. I would love to have a family where people stopped by like that, but they all live multiple-hour flights away. For those in the same city, they do just stop by. Sometimes they will get an invite to dinner, other times not – depends on people’s plans. But I totally think you could have just ordered take-out or explained to them that they were welcome to stay for dinner, but you were making x, y, and z – sorry it’s not all vegan, but mil can eat side a and b. Or are there any frozen vegan meals your mil likes, something easy you could keep on hand for her when your planned dinner isn’t vegan.
On the other hand, if your in-laws complain about the food, then they are just rude.
Anonymous
Yeah I just had no sides ( planned chicken chili) and the plan was to make a double batch for later in the week. I really hate the idea of feeding frozen food to guests. I also know that I would have sabotaged my diet if we ate takeout. Trying so hard to plan ahead and make good choices. I’m just not built for this level of spontaneity.
The original Scarlett
Check out Alison Roman’s column in entertaining in Bon Appetit – it’s sort of on point here. Her take is that entertaining is about people getting together, not what you serve them and she’s a chef. Personally, I’ve started taking this to heart and I make things as easy as possible when people come over (as in now I order pizza and before I’d cook something “company worthy”). For your situation, an approach like this might help, or you could just say “hey, we were going to have chicken chili for dinner, I know that’s not vegan, so you’re welcome to stay and order in take out here.” I think if you get past the entertaining mindset, this might be easier for you.
Mtl bagel
I personally don’t like people who come unannounced around dinner time: I would have done like you. Also, if your husband wanted to invite them he should just have and say we will order Indian food but he did not so I’m assuming he did not wanted to have them for dinner. Also, she just came unannounced so she should not be expecting you to drop everything to entertain her : just be polite, chat a little bit and go on with your life/tasks/plan.
My MIL is also a difficult eater: she mostly want to eat chicken and will refuse to lamb, fish, seafood or anything too vegetarian (salad, egg based, tofu, lentils, etc)… while my husband and I are more and more pescetarian. We try to somewhat accommodate her but it is always easy (nor that we always want to), especially when she is staying over for 3-4 days. After 2 days, she will have her chicken meal and we will have our own meal.
Anonymous
“but I just feel so much pressure to entertain them with a full meal at zero warning.”
Where is all this pressure coming from? It doesn’t sound like your husband is pressuring you. Nor your MIL. Your stepdad was hinting, but that’s different than “so much pressure.” So, yes, from what you’ve written here, it sounds a lot like you’re doing this to yourself.
“Am I supposed keep a full gourmet vegan meal for five just at the ready at all times?”
No, of course not. Where does a thought like that even come from?
Anonymous
I just felt really embarrassed I guess. No, we don’t always eat vegan and no, not every meal is great. But I don’t know, they’re a certain privacy to the fact that sometimes I just make something non-vegan and simple. I felt like they wanted in on more private family time and I just wasn’t ready.
Anon
Don’t feel embarrassed! I think (mostly from the tone of your posts) that a lot of this may be your own pressure. I would be hard pressed to come up with a meal other than exactly what I have planned pretty much anytime–and I’m single, have no kids, have a car, and the grocery store is one mile way. Half the time I don’t even have groceries for myself beyond milk for my coffee and a yogurt for breakfast. Be kinder to yourself! You should not feel guilty for doing your own thing and sticking to your meal plans. It doesn’t sound like there was a problem with them stopping by or that anyone (other than you) was upset that they didn’t get a dinner invite. If your husband is annoyed they didn’t get one from you, I’d explain the full story to him and tell him that his frustration/annoyance/expectation is putting this pressure on you. If the only discussion about the matter originated with you, my guess is that this is an “all in your head” issue (or at least almost all). If you want to be able to invite them for dinner whenever they stop by, come up with a plan for that. It sounds like it needs to be something other than Indian take-out, though ;). But, only do that if you WANT to. No other reason in the world. Another little anecdote to make you feel better: my sister once stayed with me overnight but didn’t arrive until 8:30 or 9 pm (that was the plan). I had eaten dinner and didn’t have any groceries so I sent her down to the little corner shop in my building to get something frozen like single-serve pizza. She was still young (in college) and we were raised always having groceries at home so she found this hilarious. I didn’t understand. I fed myself, and I made sure she was fed the same way I fed myself–pick something out downstairs. Easy peasy. Hugs and kindness from the interwebs.
anon
Not the anon above but you’re not a jerk and I feel for you reading this comment and your other response. You have a lot going on and you need to give yourself permission to not be in charge of everything. Obviously, this is one incident and maybe there is more to the story but it sounds like your husband is on your side. You seem to be ascribing intent to the inlaws’ actions (“they wanted in on more private family time”) but it really just sounds like they just like you guys and would have enjoyed spending time together. They picked a day that didn’t really work and you are under no obligation to drop everything for them. If they are disappointed that’s on them for not planning better and not you for not changing plans at the last minute. I think your husband agrees with you and that’s why he doesn’t understand why you’re letting yourself be upset by this.
Do not feel bad for eating healthy and not accommodating a restrictive diet that your immediate family doesn’t follow (nothing wrong with being or not being vegan, there is something wrong with expecting someone else to accommodate your diet with no advanced warning). You would not be out of line in saying (or having your husband say, maybe by phone in advance of the next drop by) “hey, we we’d like to have you over but it’d be good to have a heads up so we can plan to enjoy our time together.” and if you want to have a meal together “we need some time to find a meal with options that satisfy everyone’s eating plan”. Don’t open it up for discussion as to whether those are valid statements. They are valid and to anyone who suggests Indian “the local place doesn’t have any option that works for Persephone so we’ll have to think of something else”. Or replace Persephone with “our current meal plan” if your husband is on it too but honestly you count by yourself and if you’re trying to eat healthy your family should support you. I don’t see why you would want to support their veganism if they weren’t doing the same for you. (and if you’re ready to be a little sassy then feel free to say that too! I like to try the kind tact first but some people really need a little well-placed sass to make them see they are being unreasonable.)
This got long but: You can not expect people to change their actions if you aren’t willing to at least point them in the right direction. Maybe you shouldn’t have to do that but from what you’ve written it’s not clear that they should know this is upsetting you so much. You’ve got some room to decide where your boundaries are, how to communicate them and still continue to be the good person you’ve been all along.
anon
Agree with everyone else – it’s a bit of a mindset thing. It’s fair for you to be a little annoyed if drop by’s aren’t your thing – that totally varies by family and probably within most families. Everything you said you did sounds perfectly reasonable and it also sounds like everyone was ok with that. Feel free to throw in a “hey if you had given us a heads up we could have planned something” next time (if you want and you mean it). It’s also fair for other people to want to spend time with your family and that doesn’t mean you have to drop everything if it doesn’t really work for you right then.
I don’t think you’re alone in feeling this “pressure” because we see it all the time in posts here and elsewhere, especially when we dive into the emotional labor topic (which you didn’t explicitly say but you talk about doing the meal planning, coordinating laundry, etc). There is pressure and expectations and not all of it is fair. Some of it is from outside, but honestly, a lot of it is self-inflicted (not surprising, I think this community skews type-A and we want to make everyone happy). However, I am here to tell you it’s not your job to manage other’s feelings, expectations or happiness. It’s your job to be polite and reasonable which you were. Also, we all need to accept that some people are never going to be happy (probably a lot of MIL) and always have a comment. You can decide to let it get to you and stress about what to do to make them happy/change their behavior/change their feelings or you can accept that nothing will so it’s really not worth letting it get to you. The latter is not always the easiest to do but it’s really the only way to climb over the “emotional labor” mountain.
Anonymous
Thanks to the you and all the posters above who offered encouragement and kinds words. I’m just really struggling with the idea that there’s no such thing as a down time or a day off anymore. Since my son was born I just live in fear of the drop by. I didn’t grow up in a house where it was ok to serve not- fancy foods for anyone but immediate family and I suppose I love that, as a result, everyone thinks I’m a wonderful cook. I felt like they asked to see me naked when all they wanted was some inpromptu family time.
But also, they’re hard on me. The day we got home from the hospital after my son was born , they promised to bring over takeout. I thought they’d drop it off but they wanted to stay. And be served. In the dining room. I’ll never forget my husbands stepdad just glaring at me, from his seat at the table ( husband and mil had gone upstairs to look at my son) as I struggled, limping, to clear the plates. He made a snide remake that I was moving “well” and didn’t lift a finger. I felt like the lowest form of garbage. I feel a lot of pressure because between the two of them they have five children and no one lives locally, so it’s dh and I or they have no plans.
I just wish there was time, space, in my life to wear sweat pants and no makeup and not have the doorbell ring with surprise guests. My life is so busy and I do try my best to organize the chaos to repeated failure like this. Sure, I came up with a plan to feed us, within my plan and to make the next week easier. I shopped and planned my day for this. But it wasn’t good enough when someone else decided to drop by for a surprise inspection. I just want to eat good for me meals without judgment as to my cooking or my diet or how awful meat and dairy are.
AnonLondon
Not sure if you’ll see this, but OH WOW your husband’s stepdad sounds awful! You’d literally just had a baby and he didn’t offer to immediately jump up and clear the plates and let you sit down and rest? I’m belatedly livid on your behalf.
Also, it is *not* your fault that none of their other kids live locally and that they apparently can’t be bothered to have a life outside of you and your husband.
Anon
I am not flexible by nature but started letting myself go with the flow and accept good enough. I really wish my own mother would just stop by. That way, the show could go on with weekend laundry, cooking, studying. Now that my daughter is in high school, weekends are truly taken up with her sport and studying. My mom is similar to your in-laws – she wants an invitation and dinner or to be picked up and taken to lunch. It would be so much easier if she could just come over and eat what we are eating or order in something separate if it did not suit her. Another thing jumps out at me- reading your post makes me remember how overwhelmed and insecure I could feel with a new baby. It takes a while to figure out how to run a household and have a full-time job with a child, so go easy on yourself for a while. I finally learned (you know, over the course of 15 years) that I had to pick my “things” – I do laundry but do not cook during the week (meal delivery or my husband or leftovers from my weekend cooking, I always prepare breakfast and pack my daughter’s lunch/water bottle/snacks, I almost never socialize on work nights (this took a LONG time to implement bc “well, maybe, just this once” took over), I have a theme present every holiday – this year many people received L’occitane, and I force myself to go running with friends at 5AM three-four days a week for exercise and talking. The talking part is helpful – not everyone is actually doing it all. One friend sent out her laundry for a family of five for a decade. It was more than an au pair could do, and it allowed her to be able to work as a physician and cook – cooking is her thing.
This is so not what you asked – you had a bad weekend and your FIL sounds ridiculous but I am taking the opportunity to remind you that you do not – and probably cannot – do it ALL. So think carefully about what you really want to do as part of your identity and what you could outsource. Hang in there!
Anon
For anyone following the Deciem drama, it seems Brandon Truaxe has died. Poor man. He was clearly not well.
Anon
Oh geez. That is sad.