Weekend Open Thread

164 Comments

1. Anyone else a furloughed Fed? What are you doing with your time? I’ve been exercising, reading, working on house projects, and trying to meet up with friends who are available during the day. I’m anxious to get back to work–love my job and really believe in the work that I do.

   1. My husband is furloughed and he is mostly exercising and puttering around the house and driving me slightly crazy. (I work from home.) It’s not his fault, it’s just a LOT of togetherness and I miss my alone time.

   2. Not furloughed but am a solo and am not really busy with work right now (post-holiday slump). My goal is to clean off my to-do list but I always manage to find more entertaining things to do. I understand the wanting to work but not having it…it’s hard. I wish I were busy enough to motivate more easily.
      Clean out closets, do all the laundry, keep my home clean, a small bit of container (real, not bedroom) gardening, take my dog to the park more often, help my sisters with random baby stuff/research, visit my parents, cook at home vs eating out, cleaning out my trunk (donations, returns, etc.), visit with friends who don’t work during the day or are available for lunch, work out, dentist and doctor appointments, some TV but generally only on the weekends or at night, scroll this page, work the NYT mini-crossword, SET game, and Sudoku puzzles.

   3. Exercising, reading, knitting. Too much togetherness with DH (retired), and I’m antsy about going back to work. I’m a pretty far commute from where I work, so meeting co-workers is difficult.

   4. Yep! Have done a lot of cleaning and organizing, reading, sleeping, and watching tv shows that have been in my queue for a while. Not gonna lie, kind of getting used to this life of leisure…

2. Trying to plan a surprise date to view the eclipse with my husband. I live in SoCal so it won’t be freezing but will be slightly cold.

   Would love all your general tips on how to make this fun and cosy (including food ideas)

   1. Hot toddies in a thermos! A comfy blanket to snuggle under!

   2. Where are you planning to view it? The last lunar eclipse I was living in the Pacific Northwest and had a terrific view. I’m worried that all the light pollution will make it almost impossible to view the eclipse in Southern California.

3. Can we talk about the new Buzzfeed report? If Trump directed Mueller to lie to Congress, how can he possibly proceed without getting impeached? Will Republicans in Congress continue to downplay the accusations even then?

   Also, let’s not let the government shutdown serve as a distraction from the Mueller investigation. We need to be savvier than that.

   1. It’s bananas. But nothing surprises me anymore. I’m sure Congressional Rs will find a way to justify this sooner or later. They’ll probably just say that Cohen made it at all up and there’s no proof because there’s not a video of Trump telling Cohen “lie for me” in so many words.

      1. But that’s the thing – apparently there are multiple witnesses and physical evidence (papers, emails, etc) to corroborate Cohen’s story. It’s not just Cohen’s word against Trump’s. The report isn’t 100% verified yet, but apparently Buzzfeed claims the evidence is rock-solid.

   2. I feel like democracy is burning around us while Congress fiddles.

      1. Is it overly optimistic to think that ONE thing Congress might not let slide is lying to Congress?

         1. Yes, it is overly optimistic – they will say Cohen set up trump and that he didn’t write any emails, the emails are ‘fake news’ because it is a ‘witch hunt’

   3. Not surprised either. It is all just so disappointing. As much as I want Trump to go down, it doesn’t really fix the problem that America (and much of Europe) is falling into right-wing populism. There will just be someone else to replace him – perhaps they will be less corrupt/not a criminal, but doesn’t really get to the heart of our problems.

      1. But is it? Trump did not win the popular vote. Trump’s approval ratings are quite low (and falling, finally). Without Russian interference/social media manipulation, the dialogue during the election would have been different. That is clear. And the younger generations are polling very progressive.

4. Does anyone actually wear teddies once you’re married? I’m curious.

   1. No…but I didn’t wear them when I was single/in the early stages of new relationships either. I’m not against them but no one has ever expressed that much interest in that.

   2. When I was dating my ex, he told me to buy one from VS, which I did, I wore it, but then he ripped it apart one time in his haste to get to me. From that point forward, it was strictly tee shirt and panties. I do NOT recommend wearing them b/c they also serve to demean us as women, making us more like $exueal objects for male gratification. FOOEY on that! Men should wear tights! DOUBEL FOOEY!

   3. The only time I owned them was in college b/c I thought that that was what one did. It was like trying to make Fetch happen — never really caught on (and they were annoying).

   4. No. Wearing cute sleepwear (coordinating cami/shorts as opposed to old tshirt) is plenty of effort!

   5. I’ll wear something cute for special occasion getaway type nights, but my dude prefers nice textures to lace and frills… so like, a cute tight tank top in a silky material + matching unders counts!

   6. I’ve never worn one as a single person.

   7. I actually do..but I’m also newly wed and we didn’t live together until after the wedding after 6 years of dating. I got a few from my bachelorette party and am trying to wear my nice things. Will I buy myself them again? Unsure, but it does make me feel fancy!

      1. +1

   8. Not after 3 kids and +50 pounds. But I’m still cute and a sure thing, so…

   9. yeah, once in a while.

   10. I don’t even understand what a “teddy” is. A nightgown? A romper? Anyway the answer is obviously no for me, single or married (8 years now).

   11. Lolololol, nope

   12. Newlywed… and very traditional, so never wore them while dating. I wear a lot of lace and silk now, though.

       I don’t judge others who are different, but my belief is that my husband is the man I want to try the hardest for, and the one who should get me at my best (in exchange for being there at my worst).

       1. Oh, sure, I mean I think everyone chooses a husband with the mindset that he deserves my best… I just don’t think a teddy with floss straps and a butt-length hemline is my best.

          1. Above poster.

             I don’t do teddies, because he does not like them, but… it strikes me as weird to stop trying once you’re married, if that makes sense.

       2. Does your husband appreciate your efforts? I ask because I hear from girlfriends that their husbands don’t really seem to notice all that much when a LGP is starting because they’re into it no matter what, although I do have a few friends who report that fancy lingerie has been VERY popular/a gamechanger.

          1. Different poster — I am amazed at how lacy and /or frilly and/or sheer items do not matter.

             1. Yup! Lacy/frilly/sheer/strappy is for me. For his enjoyment, it’s tight/leaves nothing to the imagination/feels good under his hands. Fine, that sh*t is more comfy anyway. (But sometimes I wear the pretty stuff for me, because I’m part of the equation too.)

          2. Above poster.

             Yes, he does. I wouldn’t call it a gamechanger, but my efforts are appreciated.

   13. I’m going to admit that I just plain don’t get the whole lingerie thing. We sleep in the buff and neither one of us is into putting on fancy undies just to take them off. I guess we’re boring that way…

   14. I’ve gone through a funny evolution on this…

       Used to try to impress partners with fancy lacy lingerie because I thought they’d like that; eventually realized that no one seemed to care at all and gave up. But then I met my long-term partner and he LOVES the stuff! Gets very excited when I wear it, buys me stuff to wear, has favorite items, etc. So it does matter to some people, although fewer than I would have guessed when I was 20 years old.

5. For those of you who have a cleaning person clean your house on a regular basis, how do you let them in? Do you give them a key, or leave a key under the mat, or leave the door unlocked, or something else?

   1. my cleaner prefers we leave a key under the mat. he doesn’t want to know our garage code, and that’s ok with me.

   2. Give key/key pad code. I have a video doorbell and in home camera so giving my pet sitter and cleaners the code doesn’t bother me.

      1. Same. We have a scary giant dog that comes off as incredibly aggressive and would probably attack someone who broke into our house (we put him in the basement when they come to clean), so if they want to break in, bring it on.

   3. They have a key and their own personal alarm code. We have an alarm app on our phone, so we know by what code was punched in who turned it off.

   4. Our cleaning service burglarized our home when I was a kid, so I’m extra paranoid about this. But I let them in in the morning and then run home at lunch to see them out and lock up the house after them. They don’t have a key or any way of accessing my house when I’m not home. (I’d probably trust an individual, but need to use a service for tax/liability reasons and the service sends a different person every time, so I don’t know any of the people that come).

   5. I give mine a key. I guess I figure if I trust the person enough to be in my home when I’m not there, why wouldn’t I trust the person enough to give a key?

      1. Ever since my cleaning lady took a bunch of clothing for her daughter WITHOUT my permission, I have insisted on being there to watch how she “cleans” my apartement. This means she comes on Thursday afternoon, after 3:00 pm, when I am home from work. I told the manageing partner I work from home while monitoring her, and he is fine with that. I usueally just watch TV in the living room and bill later. But with me watching her, she can’t take my stuff for Luz any more w/o my permission! YAY!!!

      2. Same here, but my cleaning person has been with me for ten years, and with the person who referred her to me for twenty, so I’m basing it mostly on long-standing trust.

      3. Same. But she was recommended by a bunch of people that I know well.

   6. We have a lock box and give our house cleaner the code. We also have a Nest camera. I was home with her the first few times she came, but now I just let her do her thing. She cleans most houses on our street, and all of her referrals are via word of mouth, so if she stole something, she’d lose a LOT of clients.

   7. In this house, the garage code. In previous houses, given them a key.

   8. Key in the mailbox.

   9. I either let them in, or if they don’t arrive before I leave for work (which is rare), I leave a key hidden someplace (varies day to day) and text them the location. They leave they key on the dining room table when they leave. Front door handle locks by itself, and they don’t lock deadbolt when they leave.

6. What is up with the weird horizontal seam going around the boot? It looks like the boots are pretending to be pumps + tights.

   1. I really like the seam, but I hate the metal.

   2. Yeah I kind of hate it …

7. I’m interested in doing a trail ride with my husband as a fun outing. Is there anywhere in the greater Bay Area (maybe Napa or something?) where you could ride horses and then get some good food and wine afterward? I’m willing to pay more for a location that treats the horses well and that makes it a fun experience, but I don’t even know if this type of thing exists around here.

   1. I went with these people a few years ago and it was fun: https://www.yelp.com/biz/napa-valley-trail-rides-napa
      We just did a ride, but you can combine the rides with tastings. I don’t really know how they treat their horses or how you would fully assess that, but the horses seemed happy enough.

   2. I haven’t personally done this, but I’ve seen people doing it along the coast near Bodega Bay and also in half Moon Bay.

   3. Do you regularly ride?

      I did a trail ride (1.5 hours?). Even tough I ride bikes (but with a padded seat and padded shorts), that wasn’t preparation for riding a horse (in fleece-lined Athleta leggings, so not the usual denim seams to chafe) on a trail where you went up, down, crossed a stream, etc. My lady bits were not one bit happy (husband wasn’t there, but IMO it would have been a bad experience for him).

      A shorter ride may have been more tolerable.

      1. If you don’t have actual riding pants, I would 100% recommend wearing jeans instead of leggings. Leggings will in no way protect you from chaffing, but jeans will.

         1. Also some aquaphor ointment on your parts before riding. (Advice coming from someone with very sensitive skin who rides 5-6 times per week.)

   4. OP and I forgot to add that I’d also be willing to do this in the Sierra Nevada or similar – doesn’t have to be Bay Area, just northern California. Something in the Tahoe area could be fun for sure.

   5. Cooper-Garrod Vineyard in Saratoga!

8. Anyone watch The Childrens Act w Emma Thompson as an English Family court judge? The husband plot was so sad and completely underdeveloped but it was great to see a law movie w such a strong and fairly restrained leading woman.

   1. I haven’t seen it yet but I want to. I love Emma Thompson. Thanks for the rec.

   2. I just watched this on the plane. I liked her strong character, overall the movie was meh.

9. So I don’t know how I missed the news in 2014 but apparently the author of Mists of Avalon was accused of s3xual assault by her daughter.
   I had been chatting about King Arthur with a co-worker, recommended it, and then borrowed it from library to reread it to see if it was as good as my 20 year old self thought.
   Well I really liked the one-third I’ve read so far, love the women’s point of view in such a masculine legend, and now I feel queasy. Obviously don’t want to read anymore and won’t recommend it anymore, but co-worker has also been enjoying it and wants to chat about it.

   1. I never saw that either, and maybe your coworker didn’t. Depending on your relationship that might be another thing to chat about.

   2. Wow — I am vaguely aware of the book and it’s not the sort of book I usually go for.

      That woman is sick. Her poor daughter and sons (not to mention the boys molested by her husband, which it seems that she knew of and did nothing about it). Maybe some books are for burning.

   3. Thank you for posting- I hadn’t heard it, and don’t know when I would have. The rape culture in several of her books always upset me- and Mist of Avalon pretty much introduced me to the idea that women could rape men (age appropriate learning).
      And yet I didn’t expect this. And I’m not sure how to rethink my appreciation for some of the philosophy she wrote with knowledge of her crimes.

      1. That’s exactly it. How can someone write philosophy I could appreciate and do something I could never in a million years understand?

   4. Yeah – I’d hear about it a couple years ago. And I’ve got a copy of Mists on my bookshelf – don’t know if I’ll be able to pick it up again. I read a lot of other stuff by Bradley growing up, but have no desire to revisit it.

      Her husband was a known abuser (convicted, I think), but the accusations against Bradley were for basically finding him victims, which included kids in addition to the daughter, IIRC.

      I do still think it’s an interesting take on the King Arthur legend, and how to weave something from the female perspective. Can you focus on the Arthurian part of it, and not the author part of it? Maybe let co-worker lead the discussion and let you tell the things they are enjoying? You can always say that you read part of it, but it wasn’t capturing you like the first time you read it, so you haven’t finished it.

   5. I know I am going to get panned for this, but I really don’t understand the need to discount the author’s work/stop reading in the middle because of the accusation, and I certainly don’t think that reaction is “obvious,” unless (as hinted in one of the comments) the author’s work carries inappropriate messages/themes that you didn’t see before. I don’t know the book, so can’t comment on that.

      1. Actually I tend to agree, particularly when the person involved is dead. At this point the profits from her book sales are not benefiting her (and are quite likely going to the very children she abused).

         People can be horrible, but at some point you have to separate the art from the artists, especially when the artist is dead and cannot be hurt or helped by anything we do.

         1. I mean, I listen to music without regard to the mere politics or religious views of the musicians. I can see why people don’t like Wagner though. I’m surprised that R. Kelly has fans, and this is R. Kelly territory.

      2. I agree.

   6. I like to think about art works as existing in their own right absent of whatever their authors have done. This is especially easy to separate when you can borrow a book from a library, one that has already been purchased and thus the author will receive no funds for. I love Orson Scott Card’s books, but he has some wacko views that I do not subscribe to. Therefore, I try to buy them used or borrow them from the library. I want to read his work, but I don’t want to support him.

      The Mist of Avalon is a work that speaks for itself. It has themes of feminism but also includes sibling incest. I think, rather than tossing the book out, it is more informative to read it with the knowledge in mind that the author was plagued by her own demons and mental illnesses and what ever else led her to commit those crimes. I am not making any excuses for what she did. After reading the news I want to vomit. But, it actually puts the actions of the characters into perspective.

      1. I like this perspective. “Books belong to their readers” – John Green.

         1. +1000 Lindsay Ellis had a great video a couple weeks ago about “Death of the Author”, featuring John Green

      2. In fairness, the sibling incest wasn’t Bradley’s creation–it’s straight from some of the older Arthurian legends.

         1. Yes–but in Mists of Avalon, it’s all set up by adults while the children are pressured into it. Some of her other books (Sword of Sharra?) also feature extreme data rape.

         2. At least in VC Andrews, things were mostly consensual.

            Hard to explain why that held any appeal, but I plead ignorance and youth.

   7. After you posted this i fell down a rabbit hole and discovered the daughter has now come out against gay marriage, as she feels — I think, I was skimming — that homosexuality and pedophilia are too tied up together? Given her background I can understand why she has issues in this area — you have to read her story for this to make more sense — but I think its a very damaging stance. So, no one’s perfect? I do think there is value in separating the art from the artist, but its tricky, especially when the artist is profiting from our consumption of the art (not saying that is the case here).

      1. Her dad was a member of NAMBLA.

         The thing I hate about people who commit s*x crimes against children is that they have such a long, long tail.

         You don’t like the daughter’s views of things? Something else that you can credit to her vile parents.

      2. I don’t care if it is a “damaging stance” — she is a victim of childhood s*x abuse who lived with messed up adults and she gets an opinion. If her stance is harming anyone (gay marriage is legal and I doubt it will change on this account), it so closely relates to her parents and the damage that they caused, that you can lay it at their feet, too.

         [And if victim status is linked to some of these kids being perpetrators, then it is another harm caused by the parents. I will never read them. They are evil people.]

   8. If there’s any hint that an author is normalizing or romanticizing predatory behavior or grooming their reader, I’m out. It sounds like this author’s works would cross that line for me!

      I found this theme interesting in the TV adaptation of the Magicians, and I now wonder if this was one of the authors they had in mind.

10. Looking for advice on home buying in general and specifically if anyone has thoughts on what to consider when deciding between lower Westchester and Connecticut. We are probably a year or two away from buying but I’d like to start thinking this through. We already have a pretty good start on a down payment but would love to hear any tips on homebuying in general and anything we can do to prepare ourselves now to avoid a headache later.

    1. Why not NJ? That would be my pick — more to do without going into the city, same great schools cute houses and good town centers, and very diverse if you pick the right town.

       1. Thanks – I would be open to it but husband’s family is in Westchester. We also have a lot of friends in Westchester and Connecticut and the logistics of going from NJ to Westchester/Connecticut make my head spin – this city girl hates driving even a little!

    2. Shop for the professionals you will rely on to help you through the process before you are ready to proceed. Ask for referrals from friends and do other due diligence. Pick your buyer’s agent, inspector, mortgage broker (if using), structural engineer (in case you need one). I think for me, my regrets and frustrations relate to feeling like I did not get great help along the way, so even though I probably did make a fine decision, I will always feel like I could have done better, and that is because I didn’t have great help and let the agent pick my inspector and engineer and I feel like maybe they were in cahoots to get the deal done rather than working for me.

       1. Thanks this is helpful! We plan to make the purchase for our forever house so the pressure to get it right is a bit overwhelming. As first time buyers it’s a little intimidating to figure out what professionals we should be hiring.

          1. If homes in the area have mature trees, you may also want to identify an arborist to call. It’s unlikely you will need one (and in the fast-moving market described below, it may not be an option), but it’s nice to know you’re ready if you do.

    3. I live in lower Westchester and never looked in CT, so I can’t comment on that part, but in terms of general home buying advice in Westchester, things move very fast and reasonably priced homes sell very quick, so you need to be ready to act fast. When we were looking (2014), we put in several bids the same day we saw houses and we were outbid several times. I suggest you check Zillow, etc. often, in addition to working with a real estate agent, and act fast if you see something you like.

       1. Wow! Definitely helpful to know. We’d heard similar so we are trying to frontload what prep work we can to be in a position to move quickly (but aren’t totally sure what that entails)

          1. First step is to get prequalified for a mortgage, but two years out is probably a bit soon.

    4. The closing statement has a bunch of weird fees, so have more than you need for your down payment saved up. Once you move in there will be a lot of little fix it expenses, so save up a bit more for that as well.

    5. I grew up in Westchester and went to prep school in Fairfield County. I have friends that live in towns all over the area. I love that area and when I’m ready to have a family, I can’t think of somewhere I’d rather live!
       My biggest advice is if anyone in the household is commuting to the city, think really seriously about how far you’re willing to go. Really think door-to-door time. I like Bronxville, Tuckahoe, Pelham, Larchmont—those sorts of towns. I think Greenwich is probably the furthest north I’d go. But just think about what works for you and your family and how long you’re willing to commute. Also not just your normal work day, but what if you want to go out to an event or dinner after work? What is the cost of an Uber home if needed?
       Also I really like the smaller towns where you can live in walking distance of the train—that’s a big benefit to some of those cute little towns in southern Westchester, but the trade off is smaller lot sizes (which I happen to like because I personally hate garden/lawn care).
       Best of luck in your house hunt!

       1. I live in Southern Westchester, having also looked in CT (many years ago). The CT advantage is lower taxes and bigger lots. The NY advantage is a much better commute, which was the most important factor for me – be sure to look at what your commute will be “coffee to coffee,” as one client put it. I find our town unpretentious and beautiful, and the public schools were good for our kids and not too snobby.

       2. Thanks so much – this is great advice. Knowing door to door travel time is huge. I feel like most listings focus on the train time which is of course important, but how close/far from the train station you are also makes a huge difference. I think I could live with a longer train ride in exchange for being able to walk to the train in a pinch. We definitely have friends that can be a 10-15 minute drive from the train station which I think gets ignored in the calculation sometimes.

    6. I live in lower Fairfield County, after having lived in seven other states. I really like it! The pros are fantastic schools, very safe, very pretty well-maintained towns. I’ve met very few snobby people, most are quite nice and left leaning on social issues. People really care about their communities, and although there’s clearly no nightlife like the city, the local restaurant scene is increasing.

       There are housing deals right now on larger houses in big lots — people whose children are grown want to downscale and there’s not demand for these houses. Many of the communities are trying to build denser housing to attract various income levels, but I’m not sure if these are apartments or townhomes. Smaller houses, but on big lots, do exist but are more competitive.

       People commute from all over Fairfield County to the city, the trains are utilitarian but pretty reliable. I commute via train to Stamford everyday, and its fine. You need to really know how long of a commute you can tolerate, my observation is that people who commute to NYC tend to work at home one or two days a week. Also, there is a new upscale mall opening in Norwalk this fall. I’m really looking forward to clothes shopping at nice stores in person.

11. One of the topics from this morning got me thinking — What are some “rules” to be a good apartment neighbor? I’m moving from a house to an apartment in the next couple of weeks, so I’ve been thinking about this. I’ll be on the 2nd floor, so I know not to stomp around or do jumping jacks, but what are some other things I may not have thought of?

    1. Be quiet on the stairs when possible. Apartment right next to the main staircase + snow boots = people stomping up and down right next to my head all night long lately, and I’m over it.

    2. Running the dishwasher/washing machine/dryer/vacuum late at night on weekdays. My neighbours (above and beside) do this all the time and it makes it really hard to sleep when I need to! You don’t realize how much the sound from those appliances travels through the walls.

    3. Don’t wear shoes in the house – slippers or socks only. If you have hardwood floors, lay down rugs. Be preemptive with the neighbor “I’m going to do what I can to minimize annoying noises btwn 9 pm and 8 am (or whenever), but please let me know if there’s something I miss.

    4. Put rugs down! If you know you’re loud in one room consider putting tapestries, wall hangings, or tall shelves in one room to mute the sound.

    5. I have a neighbor who drums. Thankfully he starts right at 4:30 every day and but is always done by 8 or 9 even on weekends. Just be courteous.

       Also, it helps to make friends in case you get locked out.

       1. Drums are the WORST. I live in Nashville, and stereotypically, all of my neighbors have always had instruments. Most instruments do not carry through the walls, but drums do. Also– this applies to houses that are about 6 ft apart. Not just apartments. I had a neighbor that would start drumming when he came home drunk… so that was harder to address than just “Hey, can you not play drums after 9 pm.”

    6. Be kind about annoyances that neighbors can’t help. I’ll forever be grateful to my neighbors who would always say they didn’t hear my newborn (we did what we could to minimize noise for them, but there was only so much we could do).

       If you and your neighbors seem up for it—try to foster an inclusive community. It’s wonderful having friends as neighbors.

    7. People have covered the noise thing, I’ll add mine since I’m on my 5th year of apartment living:
       – If you’re using communal washing machines, really try to get your clothes out of the machine within 5 mins of the cycle ending, especially during busy times when others are trying to get their laundry done, and especially when you’re using multiple machines.
       – When cooking strong smelling food, do what you can to help the smells dissipate – open a window, run a fan, burn some candles. You may occasionally be the reason your whole floor (or building) smells like fish, bacon, or garlic, but try to avoid it.
       – Speaking of smells, if you smoke, or you have guests who smoke, know the rules about smoking and make sure you’re following them, smoking only where it’s allowed and disposing of butts properly. If you’re not supposed to smoke inside, people will notice the smell if you do.

       1. If you smoke, quit. If you have guests who smoke, they don’t get to smoke anywhere near your property. It doesn’t matter if your apartment building has less restrictive rules – you should do the right thing anyway. I’m tired of smokers thinking they’re in the clear because they go outside and smoke within feet of the windows. Trust me, your neighbors hate you if you direct your guests/do not stop your guests from doing this.

          1. Yeah, this is true. Plus most no smoking ordinances prohibit smoking close to doors/windows/air intake/etc.

12. I’m about to start working an odd split schedule (7:30am-11:30am, then back at work ~4pm-8pm) to accommodate my child’s weird special needs schedule. Luckily he’ll be napping most of the noon-to-four that I’ll have him. Has anyone managed this before? I’m on the fence about telling my husband I’ll do housework/start dinner because I’m getting exhausted just thinking about the swap.

    1. You can take advantage of being home sometimes without too much effort (start a load of laundry, move it to dryer, start dishwasher, start slow cooker, let in repairpeople) but in general give yourself time to rest and get used to it for several weeks.

       1. My SO works a similar schedule sometimes, and this is what he does.

    2. It might be a good time to switch to one of those diets where you eat a big meal at lunch time and then a smaller meal at bed time. If you are the one who usually does the cooking that is. DH gets to eat leftovers for dinner. Alternatively, being home at noon is the best time to throw stuff in a crock pot for dinner.

       That being said, find some good podcasts to listen to while doing little things around the house, shows that you don’t want to watch with DH and other stuff that you would like to do in the afternoon. Remember that its your free fun time evening that you are giving up working in the evenings.

13. Shopping help!
    I’m looking for a maxi dress or full length jumpsuit, floral printed, that ties in the front and has a small, triangle-shaped cut-out beneath the knot. I would like sleeves or short sleeves. Basically, I want the dress that the woman is wearing in the music video for Leon Bridges’s “Beyond.”
    Last summer, this silhouette (tie-front, cut-out below) felt ubiquitous, but I can’t find anything right now, when one would expect resort wear to be coming out.

    1. Have you looked at Reformation? I’d also try ASOS.

       1. I did look at ASOS—no luck. I will check Reformation.

    2. Look at discount stores like 6PM, Nordstrom Rack, TJ Maxx, etc. Here’s this one:
       https://www.6pm.com/p/astr-the-label-mara-jumpsuit-natural/product/9019590/color/19

       I’ll bet resort stuff will be out after the long weekend. Stores are still trying to get rid of winter stuff.

       1. I will poke around those places too. Thanks for the suggestion!

    3. The website Lulus might have something like that.

14. What’s typical in your circles for baby showers? Do you do a banquet room at a restaurant for a private party, someone’s living room, or something in between? Asking for a friend (literally).

    1. Someone’s living room for almost shower.

    2. Usually someone’s living room. I’ve been to one country club baby shower where the mom’s aunt belonged.

    3. In my circles, they’re not fancy affairs. A close friend hosts it at her house (or for those who live in condos/apartments – Bay Area here, so that’s a lot of us – a public space at her complex) and provides light food and non-alcoholic drinks. The main thing is that people bring gifts and the mom-to-be opens them. Some people do games, some don’t. I like things like onesie decorating and writing notes to the baby that are more relaxed and interactive, I’m not personally a fan of the cheesy games.

    4. I’ve been to all of those. The banquet room one was a newlywed who still wasn’t close to her inlaws and had a lot of older family coming on both her and his side – similar to a wedding reception lunch. One friend had a rooftop one (her apartment building) with tons and tons of food for a million friends (just a party where people brought baby gifts). I had multiple showers (same baby) in friends’ homes in different cities.

    5. I’ve been to living rooms, restaurants, and those party rooms you can borrow at condo complexes. All were fine. It’s about the mom and baby, so whatever she’d like!

       I think the one rule of thumb is that it should not be held at the mom-to-be’s home or her mother’s home, but if those are the only spaces available it’s probably fine unless you’re in the Deep South or Texas. The main reason I wouldn’t hold it at the mom-to-be’s home is that I wouldn’t want to burden a very pregnant lady with all the work that entails.

    6. 99% in someone’s living room, and I’ve probably been to 20 in the past 5 years.

    7. Nearly always at a restaurant or country club. Once at my girlfriend’s very wealthy in-laws’ (giant, gorgeous) home, but most of the homes of people in my circle are way too small to accommodate a shower. Smaller showers ( second baby, people from out of town) usually at someone’s house, but not if two sets of in-laws and cousins are involved.

15. What’s everyone’s favorite lipstick? If you wear those drying lipsticks that stay forever like Stila Beso, do you wear a topper or balm or whatever on top?

    1. That IS my go-to lipstick! I don’t wear a topper or balm with it though, I’ll apply lip balm if I need it, but usually if I add something oily to the mix, the color will lose its staying power and start to come off. I haven’t really felt like it’s over-drying though.

    2. Sephora Collection Rouge Lip Tint. I have it in five colors and I absolutely love it. It stays forever but I don’t find that it dries out my lips.

    3. Pat McGrath Mattetrance, forever and ever. It is so good and lasts well. Matte but not drying.

       Otherwise, the Sephora lipstain.

    4. For matte looks, I like Tartiste Creamy Matte

    5. Revlon Lipstain Balm is my go to

16. I’ve started working out recently and am getting more acne than usual. I usually work out midday and cannot easily do a full face wash. What are your strategies for keeping skin clean and clear?

    1. Sample size bottle of micellar water and those disposable flat cotton rounds (rather than cotton balls).

    2. You need to wash your face somehow after you sweat. If you can’t do a full skin care regime, my practice has been to rinse well with cool/cold water (to rinse sweat off and help stop the sweating).

       If that alone is not enough to prevent acne. Then I use a cleansing wipe or do a quick wash with a gentle cleanser + moisturize with a light moisturizer.

    3. Burt’s Bees white tea face wipes.

    4. Agree that you’d want to be sure to wash your face. If you don’t have the time or there aren’t facilities, perhaps consider a work out that doesn’t make you sweat (barre? Even walking)

17. Where do you go when you need a good laugh? I need to add more than SNL and Holderness Family to my YouTube hits because I often need a funny video to wake up.

18. Do you have any friends are just so effusive about their workplace that they seem kind of like they are bragging about how great their company is, everything is so rosy, etc. How do you deal with them without getting kind of annoyed? I have a friend in my network who is like that “I love my firm” “I’d love to stay here until I retire” (only to leave 6 months in for an “unexpected opportunity that fell on my lap”), and I find it not very genuine (in my view every job has pros and cons) and I just want to be like “why are you always pretending with me?” Can I say that to her? We are friends of friends so we run in the same circles. I am not jealous of her – I enjoy my job and have had other opportunities too, but I don’t go around saying that my firm is “fabulous” to my acquaintances and I don’t see the need to say stuff like that to friends so I find it off putting.

    1. Eh some people really love their jobs, I don’t think it’s that braggy to say you love your firm and want to stay there until you retire (talking about her own accomplishments or how much the firm loves her would be much braggier imo). Anyway even if she is an obnoxious braggy person, I don’t think you say something unless you know her very well, which it sounds like you don’t A good friend, yes, you can say something like “come on, I know it can’t be all sunshine and roses, give me the dirt.” But that’s inappropriate to say to an acquaintance.

    2. This is a weird thing to get worked about. I think you are jealous.

19. I’ve written a few times about college visits with my senior — we did our Midwest trip and now we are doing our Oregon trip.
    We have 2 nights in Eugene and 2 nights in Portland. We mainly really like good food — any advice for places to eat? we are going to do a self guided walking tour of Portland too which I am working on :)
    Thanks for any advice, you guys gave us great advice when we did our Midwest College Tour :)
    We are from San Francisco.

    1. The restaurant in the Heathman Hotel is one of my favorites.

    2. Portland magazine lets you look for restaurants based on neighborhood, type, pricing, etc. You should also try a few of the food truck pods –the one downtown on Alder and 10th has a huge variety of food.

    3. In Portland, Courier Coffee followed by Blue Star Donuts and time ro wander Powell’s is my idea of a perfect morning.

20. Preschool daughter’s classmate is having a multi-sibling birthday party, and the invitation requests donations to a designated charity in lieu of gifts. What’s an appropriate amount to give here? Is there also an expectation for a small present or just a card? TIA!

    1. It’d just bring a card, no donation. I think those requests are stupid and just disregard, but that’s just me!

    2. Donate same amount you’d buy for a gift. $15-25. And no gift, just a homemade card. The family is trying to avoid more pointless stuff.

21. To those that have lost a spouse after an illness, how did you “get ready” to be alone? My lovely, wonderful husband seems to be nearing the end stage of glioblastoma and I am so sad and tired. He’s in acute rehab now, likely moving to skilled nursing next week and he’s recently stopped speaking. I’m running between rehab and work and only spending one or two night each week in our lonely home.

    I will be selling this house as soon as he’s gone, but I can’t seem to make myself pack or clean anything out or really do anything but cry. I’m so lost, but I know that I will want to move quickly to sell and move since the thought of being in this house without him is unbearable.

    1. My best to you and your husband.

       Your husband is still alive. Treasure these last few weeks with him and don’t spend your time packing.

       Once he has passed and you’ve gone through the funeral, consider any of these options: hire someone to pack for you (if you can afford it). Spend the night with friends. Get an AirBnB. Bunker down at a Residence Inn. Put out a call to every friend who asks how they can help, and have them come over on a weekend and pack everything you own. Rent an apartment and pack over time.

       Just, FFS!!!, do not stress yourself out by forcing yourself to pack up your entire home on an artificially tight deadline.

    2. I’m so so sorry for you right now. I agree with the previous poster about not tying yourself to an arbitrarily strict timeline—treasure these moments you have RIGHT NOW and don’t waste your time packing.

       I would walk through the house and remember all of the *happy* memories associated with the house and your life together. It’s easy to forget those little moments of life when you’re stressed about packing, but you’ve lived life there with your husband, focus on the happy times you shared there.

    3. I am so sorry — I remember your posting when he was first diagnosed, and I am so sad to hear of these developments. I hope my response comes across in the most empathetic and nonjudgmental of tones.

       I would strongly urge you not to make any major, permanent changes in the coming months. If you really feel unable to live in that house, then find an alternative arrangement, maybe a furnished rental or staying with local family or friends. But I wouldn’t pack up and sell right away. In loss and in mourning, feelings evolve; while it may seem unbearable right now to be in that home, with all that stuff, you may find comfort in it as time passes. Not to say that you will want to live there forever, but to say that you should take your time in leaving.

       A couple close to my family — the wife was diagnosed with cancer and declined very rapidly; the husband took about 18 months to adjust, clean out the house, see a therapist, establish/affirm his interests and community…he is now putting the house on the market and has a positive plan for his new living arrangement, which he would not have had if he had done this in the weeks leading up to and following the funeral. Maybe the way to put it is, rather than selling the house in order to shut the door on the past, he is selling the house in order to open a new chapter in his life (apologies for mixed metaphors).

       It will also be impossibly hard to make any keep/dump decisions right now, and you may ultimately regret getting rid of sentimental items.

       In times like this, it can feel like the future is full of unknowns about both the physical and the emotional, which will take a long time to unfold and will take an unexpected and meandering route. It can therefore be tempting to try to tackle concrete tasks, to force a route. Nonetheless, I urge you to try to set planning aside, frightening though that may feel.

       Now is the time to be as gentle with yourself as possible, and to be as present with your husband as you can afford to be. You will have (and it may well take) the rest of your life to figure out living without him, but now is the last bit of time to live with him. Painful as that is, I think you may be better off accepting that and not trying to plan your path without him before it begins.

       Again, I am so sorry for all that you both are facing, and I wish you both safe passage.

    4. Agreed. I would try to be “in the moment” as much as possible and with him now. The rest can wait. I know you said you want to sell the house as soon as possible, but if you can, I would wait 6 months and see how you feel. Moving is going to add a lot of stress to an already stressful situation. Do you have a friend or relative who could move in to your house with you for a while?

       I’m so sorry you are going through this. My cousin passed away from glioblastoma 5 years ago.

    5. Thank you all for your kind thoughts. You’re right – I need to stop and focus on my husband. I’m going to put aside thoughts of my living situation for now and trust that it will work out w hen it has to.

    6. In the same situation I had the same sort of ideas. A few days after my husband died, a friend of his said “Wait a year to make any permanent changes”. In fact, it took at least 18 months, before I could make any long-term plans, which included staying where I was but making changes in my life. I then,however, planned some small changes to the house that dealt with issues I had cared about more than my husband. It is now three years later and my life has changed significantly, but I still miss him in unexpected ways. I do like my new life and I am beginning to remember more frequently the early part of our partnership with pleasure/sadness, and focus less on the difficult times when he was ill.

    7. I’m so sorry to read this, thinking of everything you must be going through just now.
       Good thoughts and cyber hugs from a complete stranger coming your way.
       It must seem like the lights are being turned out just now.
       I hope you have wonderful friends and family and whatever form of spirituality you prefer to support you through this difficult time.

    8. I moved out and got rid of a lot of things within a year and regretted it. I thought that moving out and getting rid of his things would help me with my grief. It did help a bit, but I accidentally threw out a phone that had a lot of his voice recordings. So I would take some time to sort out his things and wait at least six months to throw anything away, however, it was helpful to do a lot of traveling.

       Also there is a good Tidying Up with Marie Condo episode where she meets with a widower about how to sort through her husband’s things.

    9. My sweet husband lost his wife some years ago and he says you can’t get ready to be alone. You are doing the right thing by taking a breath and focusing on your dear one while he is still here.

       Much love to you. I’m so sorry this is happening.

22. I’m so sorry — this has to be wrenching. Could I suggest that you build a break in? You’re going to be exhausted, and grief in itself is exhausting. You may simply need some time to sleep and grieve.

23. For those that live in cold, snowy, winter areas- what are your go to shoes? I live in a wintery area, but I drive. I’m looking at visiting New York and I need a shoe, boot, that is comfortable for extended walking. Thanks.

    1. I would get a pair of LEATHER FRYE BOOTS, and treat them with MINK OIL before ventureing out in the snow, or wet areas. I had a pair for years and gave them to my cleaning lady for Luz, when I could NOT get the dog poopie off them. FOOEY! But if you do not step in poopie, they will last forever. YAY!!

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