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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Wool-Tweed Pencil Skirt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. High Waisted Wool-Tweed Pencil SkirtHappy Monday! The pictured skirt is very similar to a pair of high-waisted pants from the same brand that I saw first, and I really, really liked the pants as an incredibly stylish look. Still, high-waisted pants can be tough to get exactly right — I almost feel like you've got to make a trip to the tailor to get the seat and rise perfect for you. So when I saw the skirt I thought, aaaah, so much easier. I like the tweedy gray wool, the fabric belt, and the little point at the top of the skirt. The skirt is $1,030 at Net-a-Porter. Wool-Tweed Pencil Skirt Oh man: there's a matching blazer and it's fantastic if you're a fan of Dramatic Blazers (and have $2200 lying around). Looking for something similar but more affordable? ASOS has a lot of options under $100 in regular, plus, petite, and tall sizes. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

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256 Comments

  1. I had an almost identical skirt in 2006-7-ish from the now dearly departed Daffy’s. I think it was some random Italian brand I never heard of and cost about $20 on clearance. I used to wear it with white button downs and always felt very cool and put together, though maybe also a bit too va va voom for work.

    1. I have one in black (absent the point) from the same era or maybe a year or two later. The suit jacket is pretty classic and still in great shape, so I may bust it out again sometime soon.

  2. Does anyone remember the discussion about privilege and how someone was “unfailingly polite but unyeildingly firm” or similar?
    The idea has been playing in my head.. but I cannot remember the precise phrasing.

    2. “unyieldingly firm yet unfailingly polite”

      I liked it so much I copied just that phrase into a draft email in my gmail. It was about someone’s grandma I think?

      2. That phrase reminds me of how people described Justice Roberts when he was up for confirmation. People said that back when he was arguing before the Court, he would be extremely polite and pleasant but unyielding in his argument.

  3. Has anyone tried the Everlane day heels or have recommendations for a dupe? I have a casual office but would love an easy to wear heel for fall, almost exclusively with jeans. I’d like it to be not too high (under 3″), and I like the block heel look of the Everlane ones. Suggestions?

    1. Cole Haan makes several styles of low block heel pumps. I have a suede style from last year and really like them.

        1. Not sure what your price point is, but there are currently several styles on sale at Cole Haan $99 or under.

    2. DSW is often great for cheaper (but still brand name) dupes; I would start there.

      1. The problem with DSW is that those shoes are cheaper because they’re lower quality.

        1. Huh? The brands I buy at DSW are the same ones I see at Nordstrom, Neiman’s, etc. They’re just overstocks/last year’s, that’s all.

          1. Not at our local DSW. They appear to have gone the way of Marshall’s….. cheaper versions/lines that still carry the same brand name.

        2. Sure, but in my experience they’re also a better value than places like Target or J Crew. Just depends how cheap the OP wants to go to try out this trendy, transitional block heel ballet style. Also, while I hate faux leather, faux suede beats real suede until you are back into expensive shoe territory.

    4. VanEli Zara in Taupe Suede. They are a workhorse for me. Last year’s style so you’ll probably only find them on discount sites (6pm, etc)

    6. I have the everlane ones and like them, but size up at least half a size, maybe a whole one. The elastic is a strong elastic- it will push your feet a little forward in the shoes. I have a pair in leather and a pair in suede- I’m an 8.5-9, depending on the shoes, and I wear a solid 9.5 in the everlane heels. They are great shoes- I’ve gotten a lot of compliments, and I like them for all-day wear!

    7. I have and love them. You have to break the elastic in a little (for me it was tight on the heel, not on the front), but once they got a little softened up I can truly wear them all day and walk in them. Everybody’s comfort with price is different, but I really value quality in shoes so I think the price point is more than reasonable.

    8. Agree with comments on the Everlane day heel. Happy with the quality, color and (mostly) with the comfort, but the strong elastic heel has not quite broken in yet so they bind a bit during a long day. Having said that, the elastic keeps the shoes on my foot and the heel is a good height (for me; not a high heel person). Definitely try a couple of sizes or size up because the elastic forces your foot forward.

  4. How do you decide whether to give someone a second chance or to stop dating in the early stages?

    1. Without knowing more detail – I think it’s partly your gut instinct and partly what’s at risk. If you’re giving someone a second chance for being late to dinner, then there’s not much at risk. If you’re giving someone a second chance for making inappropriate jokes that verge on harassment (just an example), then there’s probably more at risk.

    2. Depends on the severity of the offense/issue, but I’m a firm believer in Senior Attorney’s sage, “when people tell you who they are, believe them” (or something like that). If the person was late to a date or something on that level, meh – if there are other redeeming qualities, I’d give a second chance. If the person did/said something vaguely (or overtly) offensive, kthanksbye.

      1. FYI–that quote is from Maya Angelou. If you youtube it, there’s lots of clips where Oprah & Maya discuss it.

      2. The Senior Attorney advice is “being with someone should be easy.” Which was one of the signals that made me decide to make it official with my SO.

        1. +1000 If you’re not excited to spend time with that person, it’s time to move on.

    3. Is something likely to change in Round 2? [He got some bad shellfish / had a flat / got tickets for the wrong night vs he screamed at the waiter / was a bore / talked about himself 100% of the time / badmouthed an ex / seemed like a nice guy but just didn’t click in a way that seemed fundamental and not likely to change.]

      I am a humanitarian OTHER THAN in my dating life. I really like personal growth and development, but I can’t be a mom / counselor / life coach AND your girlfriend. And I need to really like being your girlfriend, not just view it as a task to endure between nights I do laundry or sort socks. If I waste your time and my time, neither of will find Mr. / Ms. Right (or even Mr. / Ms. Better).

    4. If I’m on the fence because someone’s personality is blehhhh but overall they seem like a decent person, I typically would give a second date. Sometimes nerves take over on a first date and you’re not seeing the true person. However, if the person did something/said something that outwardly offended you… kthxbye and on to the next.

    5. I always go with my gut, which in my experience usually means no second chances.

      2. I used to agree with you, but after writing off so many men after the first date — most b/c they just wanted me to take off my clotheing for them–my Grandma Leyeh has convinced me to loosen up a bit and be more charateable toward men and give them MORE of a chance, even if I do NOT take off any clotheing for them on the first date. I am now 37 years old, unmarried and do NOT have any martial prospects on the horizon, tho there is NO shortage of men that want to have $ex with me. I have taken a more light hearted approach to such men, NOT giveing in but bantering with them more. At it’s roots, they are insecure, and think that if I would just acommodate their needs, they would be more relaxed. I tell them I will NOT have $ex, nor take off my clotheing, but I will continue to deal with such persons! I have a fuller expereince with them, and even tho they do not get anything from me in bed (or elsewhere), they are haveing conversations with a woman who otherwise would not have given them the time of day 2 years ago. Am I getting closer to a marrage prospect? Not yet, but mabye I will see one comeing down the horizon soon! YAY!!!!

    6. Depends what you’re looking for and what they did. Dating in the beginning should be easy. But then again, no one is perfect so you’re going to have to forgive some (minor) failings no matter who you date. Their shortcomings just can’t directly conflict with your needs.

      Personally, I’m a huge stickler for punctuality and communication in an SO. It’s a respect issue for me. If a guy is more than 10 minutes late with no explanation or apology, there will not be another date. In fact there might not even be the date we’ve planned because I leave at the 10 minute mark unless he gives me a heads-up. Some of my (habitually late) friends think that’s crazy but hey this is who I am. I don’t want to be with someone who makes me feel disrespected.

      1. Trust me, a person that may occasionally (or even habitually) arrive late doesn’t want someone as rigid as you either. You’re helping them by leaving so they don’t accidently end up with an incompatible person.

        Good luck being an Ellen (see above)

        1. I don’t understand why you thought this was an appropriate response? The person you’re responding to gave a thoughtful comment. She acknowledged that different people have different needs, so what might be perfectly fine to some people might be unacceptable to others. There was no need to be rude to her.

        3. Don’t tell me, Anon 10:37. You run habitually late, do the “I’m supposed to be at dinner at 7 so I’ll leave my apartment at 7” dance, don’t bother with the courtesy of at least texting and letting the other person know you’ve had an unavoidable delay, and you chalk it to just being part of your charm, amirite?

    7. WE need more detail. Are you asking whether to go on a second date with someone, or are you in the early stages of dating, he did something to put you off, and you’re asking if you should keep going out with him?

    8. Are you asking if you should go out on a second date? My rule of thumb is that everyone gets a second date unless they really screwed up the first or there was a deal breaker discovered. If it was just that we didn’t connect, I’ll try a second chance.

    9. Thank you for the thoughtful responses. To provide a bit more context: Nothing inappropriate or offensive has occurred. We’re in the *very* early stages, and an international work trip came up for one of us. I wasn’t expecting us to talk during it given the significant time change and how new this is, but I figured there would be some type of communication. I’m wonder if he just didn’t think about me and/or is just not that into me?

      1. Personally, I would definitely give this person a second “chance.” And before one of us went on another business trip, I’d say “hey I know you’ll be busy during the day and probably can’t talk but I’d love to hear what you’re up to! Let’s keep up by text.” People have different norms for travel.

      2. I agree with EG. See what happens when you are both back at home. If he’s still MIA, then forget it, but if communication does resume, don’t hold it against him.

      3. Definitely second chance. This varies so much between families.

        Even 10 years later DH and I struggle with this. In my family, it’s rare to call/email while on international travel whether work or personal. DH’s family didn’t do much air travel so it was a ‘big deal’ and his family checks in via text/calls a lot especially during the traveling to destination and return trip parts.

        1. +1

          My lovely husband went on a solo international vacation after we’d been dating seriously for quite some time (had been booked pre-relationship), and I didn’t hear a peep from him the whole time. Turns out that’s just how he rolls.

      4. I don’t think that is a reasonable expectation unless you have told him that. I used to take a lot of business trips. On some of them, I was working from morning to night and basically just feel in to my bed when I got back to my room, and I would probably would not have sent a text. On others, I had more free time and may have sent a text. But I’m not really a texter, and may not have. However, if someone I was dating told me it was important to hear from me, I would have made it happen.

        Also, did you text him?

        1. +1 to this. He can’t live up to expectations he doesn’t know about (although I don’t like expectations generally). If you wanted to communicate during the international trip, you should have told him that. People aren’t mind readers and there are very legitimate reasons for not communicating with someone after a few dates while you are traveling internationally.

          This would not be a deal breaker for me. Now, if I had expressed my want, he agreed to provide it, and then didn’t without valid explanation, I would probably not move forward.

      5. Since he barely knows you, there is no way he could know your communication needs.

        FYI – I would never contact someone while they are on an international biz trip. I would assume the person traveling is busy/tired/jet lagged and if I was traveling, I would be more worried if someone did bother me on my biz trip as being too needy.

        So in my world, he has done nothing wrong.

        1. I agree completely. I would think that a completely inappropriate expectation to be contacting / texting a relatively new person on an international trip. A little too needy for my taste as well. What can’t wait til you get back?

        1. You should NEVER text a guy you have NOT dated steadily b/c he will be afraid to read your texts if he is with another women. Once you are steady with him, you can text, and certainly after you have had s-x with him, you can text, but NOT before. I learned this from my freind Laurie from College. YAY for Laurie!

      8. Haha you just reminded me of what ended an early stages relationship for me. I had been dating a guy for about a month, including slumber parties at my place, when I went on a work trip for the better part of a week. I called him from across the country and his confused “why are you calling me” response made me realize that while I had been thinking of him as my new boyfriend, he was thinking of me as his new hookup. I still get embarrassed thinking of it! I dumped him immediately.

  5. We had a vacation rental with my SIL’s family last week. They often were out in the living room where you couldn’t always see that they were watching something their phones with earbuds (e.g., if you are in the kitchen, you see them at the table or on the couch with their back to you; from the other side, you could see the buds in). If you’d ask them something (want a pancake? are kids going to the lake/pool later?), it wasn’t clear that they were up for even a casual convo. I felt bad that it seemed that I was interrupting their watching, but I am not used to that I guess. They aren’t millenials — 40s — and we all work in regular offices. We only see them once or twice a year. If I were by myself watching TV in my room or wanted to be alone there, I guess someone would knock to come in and talk to me.

    If you are in a common area with other people, what is the etiquette. [I usually only see people driving (does not seem particularly safe to drive with them but not really my Q here) or running at the gym with earbuds in.]

    1. That’s ….. kinda sad. But it happens. I find that once a family regresses to this, it is hard to change and you have to go with the flow. People actually get irritated when you interrupt this, I have found. I can understand that for some folks they don’t get breaks to watch their favorite shows until vacation, so it is relaxing for them, but in my circles the ones who do this are the TV/internet/cell phone addicts. And when you see parents AND kids doing it during a beautiful vacation…. its kinda sad.

      My SIL spends almost the entire time she visits on her computer with earbuds. The only time she leaves her computer is if we have a scheduled family activity that she can’t get out of, or if its her turn to make dinner. It really upset me for awhile, but I had to let that go.

      So I organize my own routines, and try to organize outings and invite folks to go. That helps. But when you are the guest…… there’s only so much you can do about rude hosts.

    2. I think you’re trying to get a universal ruling on an individual situation. My preference, and I think yours, is that if we vacation together it’s because we want to be together. Headphones constantly wouldn’t work for me. But her perspective may be “I’m on vacation, I’m relaxing, I enjoy watching videos on my phone, I don’t need anyone offering to do things for me or calling from another room, I’m happy to share the cost of this house with family and I like them well enough but I don’t need to be constantly on and interacting.” Doesn’t really matter who is right, it just matters if you’re interested in vacationing with them again.

    3. If they had their earbuds in, they are clearly looking for a way to chill out with their show or video without disturbing anyone with the sound. Vacation rentals can be small and put everyone on top of each other, so it’s possible they wanted a little zone-out time without being in anyone’s way. If they’re doing it constantly the entire trip at the expense of spending any time with family or talking to you at all, I would say something and ask them to be more present. But, if it was just sporadic, some people aren’t as chatty and need some time to regroup. A whole week with family can be exhausting mentally.

      If you have a legit question or discussion, get their attention and say “hey, when you’re done with that episode, can we talk about our pool and dinner plans?” or “I’m making pancakes, would you like some? Ok, I’ll let you know when they’re ready.”

      At the gym, if someone is wearing earbuds, leave them alone. If you need something or have a question for them, smile, wave to catch their attention, and don’t turn it into a conversation unless they want to chat. Same with other “common spaces” – co-working space, the office, coffee shop, the park, etc.

      1. Being on a vacation rental with family can be fun, but everyone needs space, and that can be hard to get in that situation. I don’t think this is really about etiquette, as it could also be turned around the other way (“What’s the etiquette when someone keeps talking to me even though I have ear buds in?”). No need to overthink this – they were watching a show and you couldn’t tell. Just a normal thing that happens.

      2. I think that people get this: if someone (often a stranger) is out somewhere in public and has ear buds on, take it as a “do not disturb” sign.

        This is for people together in a house. Which, I think, is weird to do in a common room with others around.

        Like if I were at the kitchen table with earbuds in and someone walked into the room, I’d say hello (and then maybe resume, but maybe add so they didn’t feel cold-shouldered “I’m watching Dexter, which may not be what you want to get second-hand right when you wake up”). And if I walked into a room, I’d say something like good morning, exchange normal pleasantries, etc. Too much earbuds in a vacay house common space reads to me as frosty, esp. if people have a bedroom they can chill in. Different if you are up at night and are doing it to be quiet.

        1. If it reads as frosty, I might let the sleeping dog lie. I’ve never gone as far as earbuds, but I never visit my in-laws without an engrossing novel or at least a new cell phone game. It’s the only thing that keeps me from engaging when they say things that get under my skin.

          1. Do you play on the cell phone when you’re with them though (or read)? Like in the same room?

          2. Yes. I think it would be more hostile to retreat to the guestroom for hours. Maybe it’s less weird given that there’s usually a game on the radio or a TV playing? I’m not saying it’s polite to always have something else to do on hand, but you have to choose your battles, and it’s not extremely polite of others to keep bringing up sensitive topics about which they know there is disagreement. (And maybe one function of family get togethers is to hash out such topics, even if it’s difficult and unpleasant, but I think it’s different for me as an in-law.)

    4. It’s such a personal thing. If I was hanging out with family on vacation, and had some downtime with nothing to do yet (since as waiting for everyone to finish getting ready for the day and have breakfast so that we could go do something), I may choose to watch a show. And if I did, I would put in headphone so that I was not disturbing either people. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk, it means that no one else was ready/available to talk. And I would be perfectly fine if someone interrupted me to talk/ask a question.

      But maybe others are different. If you otherwise have a good relationship, I would ask the next time you are in that situation.

    5. This is pretty much like reading a book. If someone is clearly engrossed in a novel, you don’t interrupt them to chit chat. Sure they’d be able to answer questions, like want a pancake, but you wouldn’t have the casual conversations that you seem to want. I don’t really understand your confusion about etiquette or whatever — or the condescending comments about cell phone addicts — just because they were watching something on their phone instead of reading a book.

      1. I guess it is the common space that is throwing people.

        At home, do people typically have earbuds in watching something on a phone? Are there multiple people in a room doing this? I think that if you are in a room with people in it and bury your head in a book / phone game / earbud show, it reads as really, really frosty. Like if you don’t want to interact with people, you shouldn’t be where people are. Go to a bedroom if you want to be alone and left alone. Garbo somewhere else.

        My exBIL once came to my house and did this with the TV — turned on one college baseball game, got annoyed if people walked through or talked, and never asked if anyone else wanted to watch anything. Now, maybe he’d do that with earbuds. But it was a mistake to treat communal space (and the TV) as private space (and being a bad guest, which he was along with a family of young kids, which he also proceeded to ignore except to eye roll at for being in a living room, the nerve).

        1. I would see it as more frosty if someone spent hours in their room in the middle of the day. Most beach vacations in my family were spent with all of us reading our own book by the beach/balcony/living room (if raining or too hot). Different strokes I guess. It wouldn’t occur to me that this kind of thing was rude.

    6. I think this is extremely rude. When you share a rental home with others and are in a shared space I think etiquette dictates you not do an activity that completely isolates others. Everyone needs a break, sure. In that case, go to the pool with your earbuds and phone, or go to your room for a bit. I would find this maddening.

      1. +1

        It reads as isolating and not interested in spending time with people, when the whole purpose of the trip is to spend time together. If you want space, physically remove yourself from the common area.

      2. Yeah I think it’s rude too. Don’t be in the common space if you want to shut everyone out. If you’re going to do it the whole vacation, just stay home and save everyone the hassle.

    7. Personally, if I wanted to watch something on a personal device, I’d retire to the room I was sleeping in for that vacation, so as to not put off or confuse anyone. If I’m in a room with other people, I expect that people may try to converse with me, ask me about my life, offer to get me something, etc., and maybe I pop earbuds in to watch a video I see on FB but I don’t zone out long-term, and I keep the volume low so as to be aware of my surroundings.

      That said, that’s what I do, not how I expect others to behave. Some people might like to zone out while still being in the same room as family, and that’s okay. Maybe their roommate for the week is still sleeping or went to bed early, maybe the vacation home has a very open layout and someone’s watching a movie at the dining table while others are in the adjacent living room. If you know people do this, maybe make more of an effort to see if someone has earbuds in before addressing them – I know they’re tough to see sometimes, but they’re not invisible! And maybe ask others to announce if they’re gonna put in headphones while in the room (“hey guys, I love you all but I’d really like to catch up on Jane the Virgin right now and hubby is sleeping, so I’m gonna do it here, okay?”), so others know the deal.

  6. — Trigger alert: fitness and body shape —

    Talk to me about proteins for lean muscle.
    I am still on the wagon working out 3 times per week for 45min to 1 hour each time. So far, I still feel out of shape but loving that I am doing something good for my body. I carry most of my weight in the hips and thighs so would like to slim down a tiny bit but more by getting more muscular and shedding the fat.
    The guys in my office have all kinds of proteins, caseine etc. but they aim to bulk whereas I aim for lean muscles.
    I’m not vegan, I don’ eat artificial flavors, and I don’t have a sweet tooth so I’m fine with bland protein mixed with water. I did some research and found I should go for whey isolate to have 30 min after workouts.
    I workout in the evenings after work and I might need to head back to the office upstairs for more work. I have access to a kitchen and blenders at work if needed.
    If it makes a difference, I aim for 2 or 3 cardio session per week like Body Combat or spinning and one weight lifting with focus on reps and not the resistance.
    Any tips, recommendations?

    1. Drink a protein shake (you don’t need a blender, just a bottle you can shake it up in) right after your workout. That’s it. It is not going to make you “bulk up”. I like the optimum nutrition brand.

      1. +1

        I make a smoothie (usually with fruit/yogurt/protein powder) or drink a protein shake (Muscle milk light). I buy my protein powder and protein shakes at Costco, when they go on sale.

        Agree that it will not bulk you up. The type of exercise you are doing will determine if that happens.

      2. +1 to Optimum Nutrition.

        And +1 that you won’t “bulk up.” It is really difficult as a woman to “bulk up,” unless your genes have predisposed you (and you would know).

    2. Eh, I think that the whole idea that you need to eat within x minutes of a workout is a bit overrated, especially since you aren’t an elite athelete. What you feel best eating pre/post workout is going to change from person to person. If you are eating an adequate amount of protein, eating your veggies, getting some carbs, staying hydrated, and getting enough sleep, you should be fine for your workouts. Protein shakes and liquid calories in general aren’t very filling because your bdoy doesn’t get the some satiety factor from drinking as it does from chewing real food, in my experience. Try a yogurt or some eggs etc instead I wouldn’t worry about chasing the best supplements unless that’s something that you want to do or you have some sort of deficit in your diet.

      1. I agree that whole foods tend are better. I do think you should eat after working out, but don’t stress if it’s within precisely 30 minutes. Protein shakes they never sit well with me and can be sugar bombs. I just eat a meal after I work out, even if it’s a small one. I typically throw together a 1/2 sandwich in a pita pocket with high-quality deli meat (oven roasted turkey breast is my fav), one slice of cheese, spread with either tzatziki or hummus.

        OP – it sounds like you’re doing great so far! I’ve found lean muscle vs bulk is mostly what exercises you do, so stick to high-rep, low weight lifting, cardio, and if you like barre or yoga (I don’t like high-pace vinyasa but do enjoy bikram and “restorative” classes) maybe add one of those to your repertoire. It might be months before you start to visually see results, and they won’t be drastic, but it’s a lot more sustainable. You will start to feel it in your clothes and you’ll feel the strength improve. I recently fit into a pair of pants I haven’t worn in 3 years, and got a “holy **** you’re skinny” at a wedding. I’m not, but I look toned and that compliment felt great.

        1. That is exactly what I am looking for. I am not overweight but I want to feel tones and strong. This is a slow path for me because I’m just happy to be carving out the me-time as part of being assertive. It helps that the rest of the office is pretty gym-oriented despite our consulting hours, so many people workout at night then come back to finish work.

        2. + 1

          Just eat an extra egg or two or a greek yogurt (which has a 22 grams of protein). You don’t need a protein shake.

        3. I agree that whole foods are better, but depending on your eating schedule, a protein shake might be a good way to go. I often work out at noon and then eat salad for lunch, and if I don’t bulk the salad up with protein, I go snack crazy at 5pm and eat everything in sight. If I eat a low-calorie lunch in anticipation of a higher calorie dinner, but I still want to get a workout in at noon, a protein shake goes a long way towards keeping me satisfied.

    3. You don’t need to do this. If you want to slim down, cut calories. Focus on lean protein and vegetables. You are not working out anywhere near as much as you’d have to to “need” supplemental protein. Neither are your male coworkers for what it’s worth, but I’m glad they have a hobby.

      1. I tend to agree with this. Whenever I have done a protein shake or whatever, it just ends up being unnecessary calories that don’t fill me up because they’re liquid. Make sure you’re adding this into your overall calorie budget. If you truly can’t get enough protein from whole foods, then it might be beneficial for you. But you likely don’t need it to get the most out of your workouts or whatever.

      2. If you are eating a diet with whole foods, I would be shocked if you are “low” on protein to the point of needing these shakes. Why not track your food for a few days or a week and see if you actually need to supplement? Protein shakes won’t “bulk you” up, but they are helpful when timed after workouts or as a way to make sure you meet your macros for the day.

        I do love casein protein before bed because it helps tremendously with muscle recovery and not being crazy hungry in the morning (I worked out at 5 “fasted”). Casein is a slow release protein, so most people take it at night.

    4. Look into Garden of Life Raw Greens and protein. I like the taste of both chocolate and vanilla flavor personally.
      I do lower weight/high rep lifting and cycling classes during the week and use the GoL powder in my breakfast smoothie.
      I don’t the ‘powder in a jar’ approach to protein intake in general, and I’m not trying to push exercising/weight loss/muscle gain to an extreme where I think I’d NEED all the extra muscle protein ‘supplements’. Powders, appear to get expensive quickly and the options are overwhelming. It seems to be a more sustainable option to eat real food.

      1. This. I appreciate the attempt, but this comment should not be triggering. I can think of variations that would be, but if we can ask a question like this (“what is the best protein powder for a woman who’s not a power lifter, in your personal opinion?”), then seriously where are we?

      2. Thanks for this.

        Do we really need a trigger alert for this thread? Too much…. too much…..

        If you do, I truly hope you are getting therapy (and medication if needed), because otherwise it will be hard for you to survive in the world.

      4. I seriously question the conclusions drawn from this research. Maybe trigger warnings increased feelings of anxiety because the students actually engaged with the distressing content instead of numbing themselves, compartmentalizing, and blocking it out? When I was a student, I took my cues from male professors who consistently trivialized violence against women in literary and historical sources (in ways that the original texts we were studying generally did not). “Haha this is fine.” I’ll start worrying about the negative effects of “trigger warnings” when faculty stop springing violent material on students they perceive as “too innocent” (often using video in the middle of class) in an attempt to be “edgy” and for shock value.

      5. Agreed. I think trigger warnings are really only accepted as appropriate for topics that I would put in the “potential PTSD” category or that my re-trigger a catastrophic illness. Think eating disorder, suicide, abuse. If someone can’t read a question about protein requirements for muscle tone, they need to head back to the therapist because they aren’t managing their disorder well.

    6. I started weight lifting last year and worried about whether I ought to take protein supplements. So, I asked my two BILs (both athletic doctors), and they insisted it’s completely unnecessary. And, really, just better to focus on what you’re eating.

    7. If you want lean muscle, I would drop the cardio and bump up the strength training. Eat whole foods, including plenty of protein, and drink lots of water.

      1. Absolutely. From your bulking up comment, it sounds like you may have some misconceptions as to how that can actually happen to a woman, but long story short, it’s difficult to bulk up.

        However, the best way to develop muscle is to lift weights, period.

    8. I encourage you to read “Thinner Leaner Stronger” by Michael Matthews. Your conception of eating additional or right kind of protein to get lean muscle is just…not right, that’s not how the body works. In the book he provides an incredibly (sometimes too) detailed and scientific breakdown of what works diet-wise and exercise-wise to actually develop good muscle tone.

      In general, if you want leaner muscle, you have to lose weight all over and do mostly strength training so your muscles will show or gain muscle at the same weight (less fat at same weight, muscles will show). Unless you get lipo, you can’t spot lose weight, that’s not how bodies work.

    9. I don’t think you need any special protein, other than making sure you’re getting enough (more than 50g per day). I’ve had a lot of success with barre/pilates type exercises.

    10. Thanks all. I will keep a small journal for a couple weeks to see how much actual protein I am getting. Then if needed, I’ll supplement with shakes as I increase my training cadence. I will report back in few weeks so public accountability keeps me motivated

      1. myfitnesspal is a good online/app tool for tracking food. I don’t work for them, I promise! But it is is what I use to track my food, and I can find nearly everything I eat in their database. So it’ll already have the macros in there.

      2. I don’t know if you’re still reading but in case you are, I work out in the mornings and I’ve had really good luck with a smoothie made with 1 banana, uncooked oatmeal (it grinds up so you can’t even tell it’s there but it really sticks to your ribs), about 2 tbsp of peanut butter – and some chocolate syrup because I like it. This gets me through a fairly intensive hour-long workout without a problem, and then I’ll usually eat 2 eggs with some veggies or toast or something before work, and I’m good til lunch time. The protein, fruit and oatmeal fill me up really well and I’ve found that as long as I have a few small healthy snacks on hand to stave off getting hangry my appetite is fairly normal the rest of the day. I’m a big fan of eating real food protein rather than powder, but do what works for you. Honestly just paying attention to what works best for my body and adjusting accordingly has worked really well for me. Good luck!

  7. Does anyone here have a “thin PCOS” dx with high DHEAS and testosterone/free testosterone with acne and hair loss? How are you managing this? I’m 38 btw.

    1. I’m on spironolactone, which has helped with my acne/male pattern hairiness.

      Were you diagnosed because they were doing a work-up for hair loss? That is less of an issue for me.

    2. Not sure how directly helpful this is but when I was in high school (now in my early 20s) doctors thought I had PCOS – I am thin but had excess hair growth on my upper lip etc., acne, high DHEAS and high testosterone. The spironolactone made my potassium levels shoot up, so I no longer take it and the doctors basically abandoned the PCOS diagnosis. I manage the acne with Curology but don’t do much else – the spironolactone did not help my skin much at all.

    4. Seems there is not much hope for my symptoms. Wish the medical community would do something.

  8. Internet searching are failing. Does anyone have a recommendation for an office chair that can double both as counter height and regular height? My home office has a project table (counter height) and a regular desk. I’d like an adjustable chair that can work for both. TIA

    1. I don’t know that I”ve ever heard of this being a thing. The pneumatics to get it up to counter height might prevent it from being able to be table height as well. Shrug.

      1. That must be true because I seriously cannot find anything. Time to throw in the towel and buy 2 chairs.

    2. I have a tempurpedic office chair I got from Staples. It’s pretty close to counter height when I want to sit at my stand desk and goes almost as low as I want it for project table use (still need a foot platform but I am 5′). You need to figure out in inches what your desired low and high heights are and search by that.

  9. Can anyone tell me how often Brooks Brothers goes on sale? That Red Fleece blue shrunken blazer from a couple of weeks ago is still haunting me. I don’t need it immediately and so am willing to wait for a good sale. Having never bought anything from BB, though, I am clueless as to the frequency and quality of sales.

    1. They’ve got a 25% off sale items now, so worth checking! They also have the usual big sales – Labor day/columbus/etc.

      1. Thanks! The jacket isn’t running out of sizes, so Labor Day isn’t too long to wait.

    2. Go sign up online with a user name and password. You’ll get regular emails with notice of sales and of discount codes.

  10. Regular poster going anon for this – has anyone voluntarily cut off a parent/parents and can speak to it? After yet another incredibly hurtful incident this weekend I’m taking a break from my parents. After googling how to discuss this in an age appropriate way with my child without setting them up as ‘bad people’ (per se) I stumbled upon a description of narcissists. And uh, yeah, it fits my mom to a tee, and my dad as an enabler.
    Apparently you never really get narcissists to admit they are wrong/accountable/etc. (which, yeah, holds true IMHO) so treatment for the family member focuses on setting boundaries that are healthy for you. Anyone else dealt with this and have any tips/words of wisdom/or even commiseration?

    1. I can strongly recommend the reddit communities on children of narcissists (or, if applicable, bpd). There’s a lot of support there. Well moderated, too.

      Husband’s mom is undiagnosed but almost certain BPD (before I am admonished about armchair DSM’ing, part of the issue with her and many like her is that she should NEVER see a therapist or doc, because she’s “not weak or broken, how dare you! I hate you, don’t leave me!”), and he hasn’t gone full NC, but he doesn’t make nearly the same effort he once did. Boundaries have been critical to his mental health, and mine. It’s terrible and sad and all that but necessary.

    2. Oh man. It’s so hard. Stumbling on the narcissist info will probably be more upsetting at first but helpful for you in the long run. You’re not going to change her/them. Take time to grieve the relationship you want to have because you won’t be able to have it. Accept what kind of relationship you can have (maybe a surface-level one with lots of friendly small talk). Read Captain Awkward – there are several helpful articles including the Alice one. Read a book or two about narcissist parents. Go to a therapist, both for whatever damage has been done to you and to preempt whatever damage you might unintentionally do to your own children. Know that there are lots of us doing the same difficult work, and I’d love to give you a hug if I could.

    3. I found a DBT skills workshop tremendously helpful in dealing with a narcissistic family member and the effects on my family (which included some temporary/adolescent borderline-like/PTSD behavior in the narcissist’s children). The workshops go over how to set boundaries, what the narcissist or BPD person will probably say and do (it’s amazing to me how similar and predictable narcissists can be, given how haywire they can seem compared to healthy people!), and how to respond effectively.

    4. My sister and I have diagnosed our mom as a narcissist and my sister cut her off several years ago. It was the best thing for her, and often I am envious of her decision and ability to do that. Mom and I still live in the same town while sister lives a plane ride away; Dad died years ago and Mom has been alone ever since. I also have children (my mom’s only grandchildren) so part of me feels too guilty to cut her off from them as well, although I do try to limit her interaction (especially alone-time) with them because she is so negative, judgmental, etc. and I don’t want too much of that to rub off on them like it did me when I was growing up. Only you can know if setting boundaries or ending the relationship is the right decision for you. And it’s definitely not easy when society and people with good parents send the message that you somehow owe it to your parent(s) to allow them to treat you however they want. Like I always tell my sister – you need to do what’s best for you. Good luck!

      1. Oh man, this describes my sibling and me and our dad almost exactly, except we all live in the same city. Sibling cut dad off a few years ago. I try to keep an arms length away, but also have the only grandchild. Parents are divorced, we have a good relationship with our mom. Under no circumstances will I let my dad and his wife babysit or drive my child. We can all visit together occasionally, but I will not let my child be alone with them. It is tough, and it’s hard to watch my friends who have great relationships with their parents. But it is what it is. And while my father financially supported me through college, I let go of the idea that I somehow “owe” him something a long time ago.

        OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is such a touch decision to put up hard boundaries or decide to be estranged. But if your parents are messing with your mental health, you need to do something.

    5. Commiseration. We cut off contact completely with one side of my family about 3 years ago when they refused (repeatedly) to stop exposing our child to BIL’s irresponsible handling of firearms and his misogynistic views. This was not a sudden thing, but followed many years of manipulative behavior, guilt trips for not agreeing with them on religion, attempts to negate individual feelings and experiences, and lots of attempts to financially control us. I doubt we will ever interact with them again and do not regret it. It is sad, and I sometimes feel nostalgic for how I wish things were, but we are in a much better place now. I am glad these people are no longer an ever-present example for our child and not influencing our lives any more.

      We have been very careful not to vilify them to our child (a tweenager who was very close to them) and to allow questions, trying to answer honestly and acknowledge feelings.

    6. I hear a lot of people on this board self-diagnose family members with narcissism. I feel like that term and armchair diagnosis is thrown around so much that it has lost much of its meaning. What do people here understand it to mean?

      Honestly, I think it makes a lot of us feel better about going low or no contact with a family member who is not a narcissist but simply a selfish ***hole. Idk, I’d never say a family member has a mental condition as an excuse to let them go – they’re just bad people that bring no joy or positivity into my life and that is a perfectly fine reason to let them go.

      2. As you point out, avoiding an asshole because they’re an asshole is obvious, easy, and straightforward. Narcissists eff with boundaries; it’s what they do best. It’s important to recognize the narcissism because it’s necessary to untangle yourself from the manipulation and guilt-tripping in a way that isn’t necessary if a family member is just a jerk.

      3. Well, narcissism isn’t a disease, so people aren’t really diagnosing anything.

        1. I think this thread is referring to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one of the cluster B personality disorders outlined in the DSM5. Fuzzy diagnoses, sure, because of the nature of personality disorders.

          Garden variety narcissism–self-centeredness and general ass hole ery–are not, no.

          1. Pretty sure the official personality disorders as outlined in the DSM are not what I would call a disease either? Narcissists are unwell, but they don’t need medication or altered brain chemistry. But yeah the personality disorder is completely different from just selfish a-holery. Part of the reason it’s helpful to get therapy is that healthy ways of responding to a selfish a-hole are ineffective with NPD.

      4. Captain Awkward had a really interesting conversation about this a few weeks ago: https://captainawkward.com/2018/07/19/rule-explainer-why-we-dont-diagnose-people-through-the-internet/

        For the OP, I recently cut off contact with my dad. (Kind of? Like the door is not necessarily shut all the way, but functionally I don’t think he’ll ever do the work that would allow me to want him in my life? I will probably send him a birthday card? IDK, families are hard.) I wouldn’t call him a narcissist, but a lot of the strategies that people talk about using to manage relationships with their narcissistic parents are 150% germane to my situation. It’s been hard–I feel a lot of guilt–but also incredibly freeing, since I don’t have the threat of getting screamed at every time my phone rings hanging over my head.

        1. This is a really great way to put it. In my case, “diagnosing via armchair or internet” is really just “trying to find coping mechanisms that work in analogous situations.”

      5. Assuming you are not someone with a mentally ill family member here…Why do you feel the need to judge others’ attempts at healing and boundary setting when they don’t affect you personally? This strikes me as a question that may be valid to ask when going on with your own family and friends, but otherwise reads as incredibly judgmental and privileged.

        My mom is definitely a BPD with a lot of narcissistic tendencies. I experienced and witnessed horrific abuse and domestic violence growing up. Because it was the only reality I knew, I didn’t have a name for it. I just thought I was at fault for triggering the abuse I experienced. Obviously this has caused a lot of challenges for me. Being able to put a name to the phenomenon, as part of therapy, setting boundaries, and other strategies I use to deal with this situation has been transformative in being able to get some perspective on what happened. Why is that so difficult for you?

    7. I am sorry that you are going through this. I can’t help with how to explain to your kids. But the book “Will I Ever be Good Enough” by Karyl McBride and a nurturing therapist were good steps for me.

    8. My sister and mother basically ghosted me after a family funeral. It was the last straw.

      However,I still send birthday, mother’s day, and xmas card w cash … the last time I failed to “do something” a family friend I never heard of called my office and left me a voice mail about how bad I was being and how much I was loved.

      Really?

      Of course, no email cards, postal mailed cards, the cash, are ever acknowledged. Nothing unless I send flowers, which I’ve stopped. I figure on a retiree budget, cash is king. Apparently it’s not appreciated.

      Hugs all around everyone.

      “I hate you don’t leave me” is an oldie, but goodie for borderlines.

      “Unbound” has really been a great way to let go and be at peace. It is, Christian in orientation. YMMV

      hugs hugs hugs

        1. Simply because I do not want more calls from people I do not know (or ones I know, for that matter) degrading my person and pressuring me.

          Also, if there is a “showdown” or “confrontation” or “intervention” at some point 0 by them 0 I can point to my continued “contact” as it were.

          Way down deep, I sense that the division and silence has been created all along by my sister. Long stories with lots of evidence. My mother is a master of pitting us against each other. If I had a penny for each time I heard her say “you didn’t hear this from me” I could retire.

          1. It sounds like you are willing to send a few cards with cash each year in order to avoid random harassing phone calls from strangers (which: ?!?!) and that is a cost you are willing to pay.

            Personally, I would send cashless cards (if I felt like it) and just hang up when said strangers call, block their numbers, and stop paying the ransom.

        2. Seriously.

          Sometimes a lifetime of dealing with difficult family members leads to very unhealthy coping strategies to alleviate guilt, which is sometimes misplaced.

          Also, we are all a bit of our parents…. like it or not.

  11. Any book recommendations for new managers? My brother just accepted a new position as the executive director of a non-profit. He’s managed a small team before, but not an entire organization, and this one is going to need some modernizing/restructuring, so I’d like to get him some resources. Thanks!

    2. Nonprofitaf (dot) com is a fun blog relating to non-profit issues that uses a dry sense of humor sometimes.

    6. Winning by Jack Welch is excellent.

      I also like “It’s Your Ship: Management Techniques from the Best Damn Ship in the Navy” It happens to have an armed forced bent, but the lessons are all about leadership.

  12. Any GP recs for DC? One Medical stopped taking my insurance so I need a new doc. I’d love someone holistic-minded, but that’s not necessarily necessary. TIA!

  14. Grammar help! I would like to order a sign for the outside of my house. The sample sign says “Welcome to our home” on the first line and “The Macallister’s” on the second line. Some of the other samples have similar phrasing, but instead use “The Macallisters”. Since you’re referring to the Macallister’s home, do you use the possessive even if it doesn’t have a noun after the name? One other question, my last name is something like “Lash” that ends in “sh”. For plural, I have to add an “es” not just an “s”, right? I don’t know why, but it looks wrong to me! Thanks!

    1. In that context, I’d use

      Welcome to our home
      The Lashes

      When I see those signs, I think it’s less about identifying whose home it is (the Lashes’) and more about the Lashes welcoming you to (direct object, their house).

    2. You are right that the plural of “Lash” is “Lashes,” not “Lashs.” Whether you want a possessive form on your sign is up to you; the possessive is “The Lashes’ [House]” but the non-possessive “The Lashes [live here]” looks more natural to me. With “Macallister,” the plural possessive is “Macallisters'” and the plural non-possessive is “Macallisters.” It should only say “The Macallister’s” if the person living in this house is called “The Macallister” and wants everyone to know that the house belongs to him or her, like “The CEO’s.”

    3. Never an apostrophe.

      It should say “Welcome to our Home. The Lashes”

      If it looks weird to you, write “The Lash Family”

    4. Great, thanks for the help! I thought it was The Lashes, but the sample made me question myself!

    5. I would sign it “The Lash Family” If you use Lashes, I think people will be confused about whether your last name is Lash, Lashe, or Lashes.

  15. Do employers in the bay area tend to be more open to remote work due to the high cost of living and the extremely long commute? I am interviewing for a position that would entail a 90 minute commute one way and I want to see if they are open to working from home one or two days a week, but I am not sure it will be well received.

    1. On average, yes. You’ll probably hear they want you in office to get acclimated but after that most are open to telecommuting a few days a week.

    2. Depends on your industry and job role, but for my industry, that would be very common.

    3. Ugh …90 minutes? You don’t even want to be doing that commute 3-4 days per week. It will take longer than you think due to unpredictable traffic. You will want to shoot yourself in no time.

      I wouldn’t even bother to apply if I wasn’t willing to move.

      Do you know already whether the company looks positively on telecommuting? Know anyone on the inside?

      1. I have heard that another division of the same company is open to it, but that it depends on the group.

        1. Then it is definitely worth asking about. But I would still really re-assess this commute.

          Are you single? It is a huge lose of personal time/family time.

          1. No, I’m married. Trust me, I don’t want to do this commute either, but it is impossible for me to live any closer. I can’t afford to live where the jobs in my field are. This is the Bay Area nowadays :(

          2. Then escape the Bay Area, as I did!!! Your life is only going to get more stressed, trying to live in this unaffordable area, now with the additional stress on your marriage that this commute would cause. Nevermind the effects on your own health.

            You are brainwashed that you have to be in the Bay Area for your field. I guarantee you that it is not true.

            What is your field? Maybe some of us that successfully escaped can advise you? Think about it…

          3. Anonymous at 1:35, I don’t think I have to be in the Bay Area for my field, but that while I’m in the Bay Area, the best jobs in my field are in SF and I can’t afford to live there. We are now in the outer East Bay. My husband and I do plan to leave the Bay Area within two years after he has had more time to finish projects at his job. It is definitely not worth it anymore.

          4. Wow Anonymous, way to project your own issues onto someone else. The Bay Area doesn’t work for some people and it does work for others, just like any city/ metropolis.

    4. Can you find a place to live near BART? Then you can sleep during your commute.

  16. I just wanted thank those of you who are in the DC area for all your helpful posts about where to eat and what to do. I definitely took suggestions from them and used them when I was there last week.

  17. Would love the Hive’s suggestion for wording something that seems to come up fairly regularly…

    Sometimes I get emails that mention that someone has had to alter plans due to “family issues” or “a family emergency” or “personal issues” or something similar. When I respond, I feel like I should acknowledge that in some way but I never know quite how to phrase it, especially because I don’t want to pry and also I know that those phrases can describe situations from the very mundane to very severe.

    What do you say to acknowledge this sort of thing? I feel like if it’s overly dramatic (e.g. “I’ll keep your family in my thoughts.”) then people feel obliged to explain that oh, no, it’s not that bad, it was just XYZ minor issue. But I don’t want to be too casual (“Hope things work out!”) in case it is something more serious.

    Any suggestions for a stock phrase?

    1. A colleague of mine tends to respond, “Please let me know if I can do anything to help!” but that works because we are in fact close and she does, in fact, show up to help. (Like she actually brought food to my house and bathed my child yesterday because [family health issues].)

    2. I wouldn’t address it at all. They are being vague for a reason, so I think it’s fine to be non-responsive in return. To the extent they are being vague in the hopes that you’ll ask what’s wrong – I ignore that sh!t and play dumb.

      Really, the only thing they want from you is the flexibility to reschedule/cancel.

    3. I think you can tweak it just slightly: “I hope things work out for you [and your family].” Not too dire but not too flip.

    4. I think if your intent is to show support you can do that by making it clear that you’re fine with the rescheduling. So, e.g., “Sure, no problem, how about next Thursday at 10?” or whatever is appropriate. I always feel bad about rescheduling so I would appreciate it if someone made me feel like they were understanding about it.

      1. As someone who has frequent and unavoidable family medical emergencies I want people to work around, I prefer if someone does AIMS’ approach, or just a “hope it works out”. I don’t need or want more than that.

        1. This.

          If it’s anyone I’m close enough with to accept help from them, I’m usually more specific about the reason. If I’m vague I’m just hoping you don’t complain about the reschedule. That alone helps.

    6. I would say “I hope everything is alright!” because it seems pretty medium in terms of intensity and doesn’t require a response (although “thanks” works).

  18. Something that tickles me, a bit, is slowly reeling out information to show that I am OLD(er than people meeting me think). It’s sort of the flip side of “help I look young!” topic from last week. Like when I’m meeting someone new and I can see them doing the mental math like, “oh, if you had this job and that job previously, and did this thing, hmmm woah you can’t be a recent grad.”

    Goal today: network confidently!

    1. I promise, if you and I are networking, I am just asking questions, trying to learn about you and hoping to spot something we have in common so that we’ll remember each other better. I am not interested in your age!
      You can do it!

      1. Ha, yes most people aren’t doing that math for sure! But sometimes people do and it’s a little amusing.

        But I’m doing a good job! Or at least an OK job! [strong arm emojis] [dancing woman emoji]

        1. I dunno it depends. People generally peg me 10-15 years younger than I am so when I mention my college age child they are DEFINITELY doing mental math and trying to determine which year of high school I must have gotten pregnant in. I just tell them how old I am so they can stop looking at me like that.

  19. I am planning a surprise family trip for this December. My SO has been on this Fried Chicken obsession lately o on that vein, do the hive have any suggestions for a fun 3/4 day trip to any cities in America that have great fried chicken traditions? You can exclude Chick-Fil-A as we have tried out local one.

    I was thikning Charlotte or Nashville?

    1. Nashville definitely has a specific fried chicken – hot chicken! You could make a very fun trip of trying a bunch of different hot chicken places and doing all sorts of other fun stuff in Nashville.

    3. Nashville is famous for their hot chicken. But for traditional Southern fried chicken, I’d probably go further south, like New Orleans or Charleston or Savannah. New Orleans has a Fried Chicken Fest coming up September 22-23–it’s a smaller, local event, but it could be fun to incorporate that into an itinerary.

    4. We have hot chicken, but don’t be a tourist, go to Prince’s Hot Chicken and Bolton’s.

      Hattie B’s is getting franchised and the only way I recommend it to non-locals is to get take-out, pick it up (and avoid the ridiculous line), and eat it at your hotel or Centennial Park (or basically anywhere but there).

      Also, YES to Loveless (eat a million biscuits) and enjoy the Natchez Trace Parkway.

      1. Hattie B’s can be good for a family though, as they also have mild and medium chicken. Hot chicken can be enough to kill your digestive system for days.

        1. I went to Hattie B’s for the first time last week on a quick trip to Nashville. Can’t say I ‘d want to go back every day, but WOW that was good.

    5. Hot chicken – which is outstandingly spicy fried chicken – is a Thing for Nashville. Also, Puckett’s, Monell’s, and Arnold’s Country Kitchen. Many of the more high flying restaurants have a riff on fried or hot chicken.

  20. Has anyone been to the Renwick in DC? What did you think? Is it cool stuff that you could enjoy even if you know nothing about art and just want a break from your day to day finance/law existence?

    1. Yep, I’ve been there and know nothing about art and really enjoyed it. I think it’s a great museum to pop in for a break from the day-to-day.

    2. Just went last week and loved it. They have an awesome exhibition on Burning Man going on right now. I’m about the last person who would want to go to BM but the exhibit was great. The Museum is also the perfect size, not too overwhelming. You can leisurely see the entire museum in an hour.

    3. Absolutely! It’s my favorite museum in DC, although I do want to point out that I loved going there even before they got all the Instagram bait that has attracted a lot more people recently. It’s also super conveniently located.

    4. I *love* the Renwick Gallery because it’s so easy to digest for non-art lovers. Right now it’s the No Spectators: The Art of Burning Man exhibition in the entire gallery.

      You definitely do NOT need to know anything about art, as long as you can just enjoy looking at pretty or fascinating things.

    5. Agree with the others, this is one of my favorite DC museums. You might also enjoy the Portrait Gallery, which is very unintimidating and which has a variety of rotating exhibitions in addition to its permanent collection.

    6. Agree with the above. Also, it is free, like the other Smithsonians, so nothing to lose by stopping in. Also I highly recommend their Handi Hour events–once a month or so, adult craft-making plus beer!

    1. I felt like our looked more like a decorative mat than a rug. It’s now in the basement.

    2. I’ve been pondering them. Here’s what is holding me back – what do i do while the rug topper is in the wash? Do I buy two? that’s going to get pricey. If I don’t then the underlayer will be covered in dog hair in the time it takes to wash and dry the topper.

      1. Couldn’t you fold it up and put it somewhere out of the way for the duration of the wash?

    3. I have not tried them personally, but just saw some at a friend’s house. I saw her pull one out of the washer and she showed me one she had previously washed that was attached to the bottom layer! I was impressed. It doesn’t look wrinkly or any different, really, than a typical rug. She recommended them wholeheartedly.

  22. Do most of you keep semi-formal and formal dresses on hand? I had gotten in the habit of RTRing those, but now I’m in a pickle.

    (Last week, a poster asked what to wear to her husband’s grad school reception – she was in NYC – I’m in DC.)

    In the spring, my husband’s grad school program sent home a letter saying there’d be a welcome reception when school started. I figured an ice cream social, cookout, that sort of thing. I had a number of summery dresses in mind. Nope, it’s semi-formal. And they shared this info just 6 days before the event, on my husband’s second day of orientation. “Well, we often see long gowns, but short dresses are perfectly acceptable.” Ack! Of course, RTR is sold out of anything remotely seasonally appropriate, so now I’ve Prime’d myself half of Amazon’s dress inventory.

    So am I the odd woman out? Do you all keep formal and semi-formal dresses on hand? Thank heaven for Prime!

    1. After going through my 20’s with ALL the weddings, yes, I tend to have at least 2-3 formal/semi formal/cocktail dresses and one long evening dress, and at least one of those is black. I can usually pick them up on sale cheaper than RTR and then you have them for this sort of last minute thing. Jcrew used to be a great source for these when they still did bridesmaid dresses, but bloomingdales/saks/nordstroms/off fifth/gilt are all great places to find good options if you know your preferred style/color and size.

    3. Yes, I keep a couple of formal dresses and a couple of semi-formal dresses in my closet. I wear each of them a couple of times a year for at least several years, until something rips or breaks or I gain or lose weight. I’ve never used RTR.

    4. I have a long formal dress on hand (two actually!), because I have some annoying specific requirements (I’m cusp sized and busty and need sleeves for work) and because work has an annual event to which women wear long dresses. I currently have a few cute cocktail/almost formal dresses that are appropriate for like, some weddings, a fundraiser, etc. BUT I can’t wear them to professional functions because they don’t have sleeves and you can see my tattoos when I wear them. But for a professional cocktail-type event, I’ll just wear a cute work dress and call it close enough.

    5. I’ve found that a lot of the RTR dresses end up on Linda’s Closet on eBay, often for purchase at less than the rental rate. May be worth buying a dress you really like.

    6. With the caveat that I don’t normally do long formal dresses, I do tend to have one or two “universal” options in my closet that I could dress up or down as need be for something like this. I usually pick them up when they’re on super sale so it ends up cheaper than RTR. One surprisingly versatile option is a lacy black skirt I picked up at Saks for $30 years ago but I can wear it with all sorts of different tops and accessories and it looks really nice in a pinch.

    7. I have one perfect black long formal dress that I could wear for anything formal (v-heck, halter style, open back, long narrow skirt) with different jewelry and shoes. Otherwise, I use RTR, but having that one dress as a backup for anything (including when RTR fails me size-wise) is reassuring.

    9. I would also try and look at Asos. Some of their stuff can be cheaply made or low quality, but their returns process is very easy and you get free two day shipping for orders over $150!

    10. I keep a few separates I think of as evening wear in my closet because until recently I worked in an industry that held black tie parties at holiday time – i usually attended two each year. I got sick of buying a new dress every time so I got into Tadashi separates. I have a long black skirt, a short black skirt and a mid length midnight blue skirt from the line, and a number of 1/2 or 3/4 sleeved jacket type tops I can wear with them.

      However I recently attended a spring event that was partially during the day and found those tadashi items to evening-ish and warm, so I wore one of my nicer work dresses – basically a black and gray column – and jazzed it up with the accessories I use for the formalwear – a satiny wrap, metallic heels, and a sparkly clutch. I feel like I hit the right notes that way and didn’t have to go find a dress I’d only wear once. Can you do something like that with a dress you already own?

    11. I have a few semi-formal dresses on hand, no gowns. I have one very fancy semi-formal dress that is mid-calf, so I just wear that. I also have a number of work dresses that, put with sparkly shoes, can double as a cocktail dress. I’d look and see if you have anything like that – a simple black dress?

    12. Nope. Don’t have anything formal in my closet. I would go to consignment if I had to find something pronto. Formal dresses at consignment tend to be barely worn, in good shape, and crazy cheap. And I really appreciate having different brands that aren’t usually sold at one outlet all in one place. Caveat that I am a pretty average size and usually have decent odds of finding something that fits reasonably well.

      1. I tried to keep a long dress in stock, but it was always wrong for the event that actually popped up. So I keep a long black skirt, and a short full lace skirt, and tops I can wear them with, ranging from a boned corset top to a boho top to a full on white organza top. I do keep half a dozen cocktail dresses, and shoes in various metallics, and clutches and wraps on hand.

  23. I realized this weekend that I have a very one-sided relationship with my parents, in that I have always been the one to put forth effort in maintaining the relationship. They are very self-centered and only think about how the events/milestones of others affect them… for example, for every graduation of my life, they left before it was over because they didn’t want to get caught in traffic (including my HS, which was 1 block from our home). My grad school graduation was too burdensome to attend (2 hour drive away). They never visited me in the 6 years I was away at school (again, 2 hour drive away) or helped me move in/out. As an adult we live in the same city, I have to initiate all of our plans. Most of the time they reject whatever I’ve proposed and invite me to join whatever they are already doing that day, such as grocery shopping. They don’t seem bothered at all if I decline. This weekend they announced travel plans that will make them miss Christmas and Thanksgiving. I guess that’s not a big deal, but I’m suddenly feeling really hurt that they don’t WANT to spend holidays with me, they never seem to WANT to spend any time at all with me. Not sure if I’m looking for advice or commiseration here.

    1. Parents are imperfect people. This must be very hard for you but please know it says a lot more about them than you. Some people are just not good at parenting at different ages and it is not their kids fault. Hope you find close friends/in-laws to serve a familial role. One childhood friend is so close with her MIL that she asked her and not her birth mother to be in the delivery room with her when she had her baby.

      Do you have other family relationships that you could turn your efforts towards? Aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins etc

    2. My parental situation is somewhat more complex, but I’ve noticed that a lot of friends my age have parents who honestly fit the stereotype of the flaky, self-centered boomer. It makes sense that it’s hurtful, but I don’t think it’s actually personal. Sometimes it almost seems childlike, like they’re living in the immediate moment, and a lot of things (well, people) that they technically do care about are out of sight, out of mind. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.

    3. I’m sorry; that’s really hard. I have been in a similar situation (parents never visited in the 9+ years I lived across the country, etc.) and I have found that I need to make my own plans with my husband instead. Be proactive with what you WANT to do – have you ever wanted to spend Christmas in Europe, for example? How about July 4 on a road trip? Make the plans you want and invite your parents when you want to, but don’t sit around and wait to do it their way. I had to shift my thinking on it and be more proactive about independent plans. It doesn’t necessarily mean they join me in those plans more, but then I’m less disappointed about it.

    4. Of course this is hurtful! It’s not normal, and I truly hope you both know intellectually and also believe that it is not about you, it is about them. If not, think about spending some time with a therapist who can help you put this in perspective and realize that you are not to blame, that these poor excuses for parents are not rejecting YOU personally but are incapable of normal human emotions and behavior (which is how it seems to this admitted non-expert). The subreddit on “raised by narcissists” someone mentioned above might also be helpful to you.

      And it seems like you need to start creating your own family of friends and loved ones around you. Bah to these people, they don’t deserve you for a daughter.

      1. Oh, and in case this will help you see that it’s not you, at all:

        My close friend cares for her young nephew almost every weekend and takes him on vacation and has done so since he was a very young toddler. The boy’s mother, the widow of my friend’s brother who died quite young, just does not want to be a mother and basically does not care about this child, except occasionally to show him off in social situations. He was heartbreakingly cute as a baby and toddler and now at age 6 is nothing but sweet and funny and overall adorable (but a bit withdrawn and shy, for obvious reasons). There is no reason in the world why anyone would not love this beautiful little boy, much less his own mother, but she is cool to him at best and callous at worst, and he is well aware of it. Fortunately, he has aunts and grandparents who spend a lot of time with him, and I hope he is not too badly scarred by his mother’s complete lack of feeling for him. But if it’s not his fault at his age, it’s certainly not your fault at yours.

    5. I’m pretty sure this is how my mom feels about me. Thank you for posting this, it’s eye opening.

      I don’t really have any advice. This is not about you, it’s about them. For me, I always assume there will be another time just around the corner that everything will be easier and that just never really happens. Thanks for the reminder that I just need to plan something and stick to it.

      1. Feel the same way. And i am well aware that my mom only cares about me when it benefits her.

    6. Thanks all for the kind words, it felt good to share. I am lucky to have warm and loving in laws nearby. DH and I are planning to TTC in the next 3 years or so and I so look forward to starting my own family and becoming warm doting parents.

  24. This is a very low-importance question, but I’m having trouble making a decision, so I figured I’d ask you ladies for help. I just bought this sectional sofa from Costco, or at least a very similar one: http://scarschwartz.com/18102-6-piece-sectional/6-piece-sectional-elegant-modular-fabric-july-2017-intended-for-10/

    Because of the ottoman, we no longer have space for our coffee table. I intend to purchase a small side table for one end of the sofa, but I’d like to get a tray for glasses and such to place on the ottoman. I have a gift card to H&M, so I’d like to purchase one there. Here are a few I’ve found – which one do you think would look best with the grey sofa? I’m leaning towards C, but I have no sense for interior decorating, so other opinions are welcome.

    A. http://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0464712005.html

    B. http://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0495634001.html

    C. http://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0487897001.html

    1. Lighter wood will contrast better with the dark gray, so consider B or the lighter color of C.

  25. Just venting – recently switched to a new role (same company, but different country) and it is such a challenge: My GM was let go, the company will finish significantly below plan, I had to cut a lot of our marketing investments and my team is not the easiest, they do not handle the changes/cuts as well as I would like them to. I try to give them the context to help them understand why & how the decisions are done and I rely on their input, but I sense that some people are getting frustrated. I also have two underperformers on my team and they are rejecting the feedback and I do not see any improvement despite coaching.
    Can anyone share their experience of successfully bridging their team during difficult times?

  26. I recently started seeing a new guy. We clicked immediately; I’d never felt as strongly for someone so quickly. Being with him is easy, it feels like I’ve known him forever. We’re alike in a ton of good ways and, I’m starting to see, some not so good ways.

    I need help with a conversation I need to have with him tonight. Things have moved really fast between us and it’s freaking us both out a little. We both have anxiety issues but he’s more vocal about his. This has happened twice now – he’ll text me basically his entire internal monologue when he’s experiencing an anxiety spiral. The first time it happened I was out with friends and excused myself to soothe him. I know I shouldn’t have done that, it was a knee jerk. The second time it was after midnight (my normal bedtime is 10); we’d been chatting for hours and I finally said no really I’m going to bed and then he starts on his anxiety spiral. Parts of the spiral are hurtful to me – like he worries that I’m just feeding him lines and don’t really mean what I say. I told him I was hurt but I can’t have this conversation late at night or over text, we’ll have to talk when we see each other in person. He said he understood and he was sorry, that he didn’t mean it that way, he’s really into me. He works the night shift so midnight is when he’s thinking about these things and he’s sorry about the timing he didn’t mean to ruin my sleep. He also recognizes this is a him issue not a me issue and he wants to work on it.

    I want to address his insecurities but I also want to talk about the communication issues. I am very very familiar with anxiety spirals. But I know it is wildly inappropriate to tell other people every crazy thought that runs through my head about them. He needs to soothe his own anxiety, not expect me to drop everything I’m doing to tell him it’s all ok. I also want to put a permanent moratorium on serious conversations over text or late at night – it’s just counterproductive. I want to keep our lines of communication open, but it has to happen at a responsible time and place. Any tips for how to raise all this without seeming too harsh? I want to nip this in the bud and lay the groundwork for more healthy communication… or at least make it clear where my boundaries are. And before anyone says JSFAMO, this is like an hour total out of weeks of amazingness, I’m not willing to give up on this without at least one very clear conversation.

    1. Paraphrasing some of your own words because it sounds like you know what you need to say, you just need to bite the bullet and say it:

      “I want to talk about our communication issues. I want to put a moratorium on serious conversations over text or late at night for now– it’s just counterproductive. While I am very very familiar with anxiety spirals, it is inappropriate to tell other people every single thought that runs through my head about them. I need you to be able to soothe your own anxiety, not expect me to drop everything I’m doing. If you’re not currently working with a therapist on anxiety management strategies, then this would be a good time to explore that option. I’m telling you this because I care about you and I would like to make this work but I need to see that you are taking proactive steps to address this issue. Those actions are what show me that you want this to work too. “

    2. Despite you saying it, being with him does NOT sound easy. Why would you sign up for potentially a lifetime of being this man’s therapist and/or mommy substitute??

    3. It sounds to me like your expectations are perfectly reasonable and come from a point of wanting the relationship to suceed. If you see each other often enough (not long distance), it’s fine to expect that you both reserve serious issues for in-person conversations. It is also fair that you protect your sleep, because it is part of protecting your mental and physical health.
      I would open with how much you love being with him and you can see it working long-term, then lay out those communication ground rules, and finally address that in order for this to work, he needs to find a coping mechanism for the anxiety in the moment and that you support him in that. I don’t know what you guys have already discussed in terms of treatment, but therapy and meds seem like options to consider.

    4. I wouldn’t have this convo but I would address it as it happens. First, text him good night at 10. Don’t respond to any communications after that. If he sends you an anxiety spiral, don’t play therapist or Mom. The message isn’t “you need to self soothe” it’s “Accusing me of lying is unacceptable. I understand you’re dealing with anxiety but you need to deal with it some other way because I deserve better than to be insulted by you.”

      Literally put him on do not disturb btwn 10pm and 8am and see how he reacts. Pay attention.

    5. I’m sorry. I know you said specifically not to come here and say this, but get out.
      Get out now.

      1. Agree with anon- a fast moving relationship/immediate emotional intimacy can be a red flag in and of itself.

        1. Neither of you have really given reasons. I would give someone a chance to fix this. Being in love for the first time can be confusing, and men are often not socialized well to handle emotions. Many years later, I’m still happily together with the guy who overshared and overrelied on me early in our relationship, because we talked about it and he stopped doing that.

      2. Yes. I always say the relationship stands or falls on the WORST parts. And… if you feel an instant connection with someone, in my experience it’s because that person reminds you of someone important in your life. That might be fine — maybe he reminds you of your awesome, supportive, always-there-for you dad. Or it might be a gigantic red flag — maybe he reminds you of your distant, emotionally withholding dad, but THIS guy is paying attention to you like your dad didn’t, and OMG you can use this relationship to heal the wounds from your relationship with your dad, and make it all turn out better this time, and… and… No. Proceed, if at all, with extreme caution.

    6. I have red flags flying high. The “hour total out of weeks of amazingness” is a false equation. It’s not the amount of minutes in an anxiety spiral that matter, but the fact that he’s done it, twice. And in a very unhealthy way. And that you have anxiety issues, too. And that you’ve gotten so far into intimacy so fast that you’re both freaking out. Slow way, way, way down. Watch carefully.

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