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Updated: Sep 22, 2020 276 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Woven Ruffleneck Pullover Sweatshirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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2020 is the year of the polished sweatshirt. (Add this to the list of things I couldn’t have pictured myself saying in January.)

This pullover with ruffle details looks comfy, but put-together. This would be a great weekend top for running errands or a weekday work-from-home outfit. I would wear this with leggings or skinny jeans and sneakers.

The sweatshirt is $34.50 at J.Crew Factory and available in sizes XXS–3X. (Note that it is backordered and will ship on the 21st.) Woven Ruffleneck Pullover Sweatshirt

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    This will likely be a niche thread, but can anyone recommend a record player and speakers? I’m very new to this space but I know they can get pricey. I wouldn’t want to spent $500+ (I don’t think?) but $200-$400 all in would be okay. I know speakers come separately.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegal Friday’s! I love Fruegel Fridays and this J. Crew pullover sweatshirt! Great pick, Elizabeth! BTW, where is Kat? I hope she is still posting now that it is after Labor Day, and we are now all back to work!

      As for the OP, Dad does now know where you live, but he says you should check out the record players at Best Buy. He even sent me this link to include in my email b/c there are so many different ones at different prices.

      https://www.bestbuy.com/site/searchpage.jsp?id=pcat17071&st=vinyl+record+player

      He did not discuss speakers with me, but since this is a fashion blog for women, I will not dwell on these devices, b/c this is typically the provence of men (my ex was an expert, but I haven’t spoke to him for years). I do not have a record player and do not need one b/c I stream everything I need on Spotify through my iphone, or at home through itunes.

      Speaking of iphones, I am thinking of getting an iphone 12, if it has 5G, since I live in the city. Does anyone else want a new iphone 12? If so, how much can I get for my iphone 11? It is very heavy and I prefer a lighter phone. TIA!

    • Anon

      My boyfriend recently bought an audio-technica bluetooth record player and is very happy with it. It wasn’t particularly expensive. Not sure what speakers he has but I have a small bluetooth bose speaker (the “color”) that I carry all around my apartment and absolutely love it. The sound quality is spectacular and being able to bring it from room to room is great too.

    • Anon

      I’m going to assume you want vintage, but if not please ignore this comment. Is there a record player repair shop in your city? If so I’d start there. They usually have old systems for sale. You certainly don’t have to buy from them, but I find their prices to be reasonable and they’re usually just happy to talk shop with a newbie. If you don’t have access to one, I guess it depends on how much time you want to spend. I’d look on craigslist and fb marketplace. I wouldn’t buy anything unless I could verify it was working. For specific recommendations, I really like Marantz turntables and Klipsch speakers, but those are middle of the line. I think you might be hard pressed to get them for less than $500 all-in. Maybe look at Pioneer? I’m also partial to Lafayette speakers, but they only made those in Dallas. Just a few thoughts. I’m excited that you’re getting into this, lol. It’s one of the few subjects I’m knowledgeable about.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t buy one of those cute looking, but bad sounding Crosley turntables. If you happen to be in
      Chicago, I strongly recommend Saturday Audio Exchange.

    • Anon

      Yes! I LOVE my audio-technica LP120 and my audio engine 2 speakers. Perfect combo.

    • Anon

      Any turntable with a red cartridge (the plastic part at the end of the arm that holds the needle) is generally very cheap and will actually ruin vintage records if they’re played repeatedly on that turntable. Crosley is one name to stay away from but there are many other brand names that use the cheap red cartridges.

      I highly recommend U-Turn Audio; they have very decent turntables for under $200 and then you can get a companion powered speaker set for $250. Although, speakers are actually pretty easy to come by on Craigslist and other resale sites. You could get a U-Turn turntable and then find some very nice speakers on Craigslist and make yourself a nice little setup. I have seen older Sony, Polk Audio, and Audio-Technica bookshelf speakers on Craigslist for 1/4 what they cost new. Worth checking out. Be aware that many turntables (from U-Turn or other manufacturers) won’t work unless they are plugged into a preamp. U-Turn sells a $99 preamp but they can be found much cheaper than that on Amazon. U-Turn has some great resources for learning about vinyl on their website. (I swear I am not compensated by U-Turn for posting all of this and don’t even own one myself, but everyone I’ve ever known who’s bought from U-Turn has been happy with it, and a vinyl-shop owner friend of mine can’t recommend them highly enough).

      I am a vinyl geek and have three turntables, one of which I restored myself after finding it at a thrift store, so if you have more questions, post and I’ll be happy to help.

  2. Anon

    FYI: Old Navy seems to have fixed their shipping issues. I ordered 4 things Wednesday morning, chose free shipping, and 3/4 arrived on Thursday evening. (I waited weeks for an order earlier in quarentine, and I know others did too, so I wanted to give an update in case you were avoiding ordering from them).

    • Anon

      I can second that- I ordered something last week and it took 4-5 days to arrive.

  3. Stemware

    Does anyone use glassware with a stem anymore? I seem to own so much of it (generally all gifts: housewarming, wedding). And yet when wine is consumed in our house, it seems to be out of stemless glasses. Are they going the way of the dodo, like dining rooms, seated dinners, etc. I’d like to think that with corona, I’m not in a rush, not likely to get jostled in a crowd, and can handle the more fragile nature of stemmed glassware. It reminds me of restaurants. And yet, I feel that it is just there, looking lovely, perhaps gathering a bit too much dust to be readily used.

    • Ellen

      Yes, things are getting alot more causal these days. We are presumably living for the moment, until this Corona can be cured, I cannot think of to many frilley things like stemware. I go for sturdy things that will last, not dainty things. I also have pretty much given up on having my own baby b/c of the virus, aside from the fact that my eggs are getting very stale, I cannot fathom what life will be like 60-70 years from now, with all of the horrible things going on across the world. FOOEY! But it will get better I pray and we can all come out of this mess in 2021! YAY!

      I am watching the Today Show here in the conference room, and they are reading the list of 9/11 victims. How sad is all of this. The 21st Century has proven to be a loser. I wish I was 18 again.

    • Anonymous

      Yes every night. Be the change you want to see in the world. This is not a problem. If you like stemmed glasses, use them.

      • Anonymous

        +1, we have been using our dining room more for dining, not less. We also do a nice dinner once a month where we get food from one of our favorite restaurants, dress in real clothing and dig out one of the better wines from our cellar.

    • Anon

      I sometimes use stemless glasses when I’m drinking red wines (or cider), but I find I prefer to use stemmed for any white sparkling wines (Cava, Txakoli, champagne). I think it’s partly a temperature thing for me, and partly an issue of the stemmed glasses I personally happen to own having a superior “lip.” It makes a lot of sense to me to give the stemmed glasses a try! I’ve been thinking the same thing about some of my fancier dinnerware (why not use it now?).

    • Anon

      I have a ton of stemware (hello wedding registry!), and I tend to avoid it because it’s a pain to handwash. But it’s beautiful and I do think wine tastes better in it. Maybe I should start using it — I have an abundance of free time. I can handle hand washing.

    • Abby

      I’m the opposite – when covid hit I started making fancy cocktails and actually ordered coupe glasses because that was the only style I was missing. I love fancy glasses!

    • Anon

      I use my stemmed wine glasses a lot. The Waterford gets pulled out for special occasions (almost irreplaceable and very meaningful pattern), but we use the stemmed wine glasses all the time. Sure, the stemless go in the dishwasher, but a few seconds of handwashing is not an issue.

    • anonshmanon

      I just made chocolate mousse for the first time and portioned it off into my wine glasses.

    • Airplane.

      I think it all depends on what you prefer. I drink champagne, cava, prosecco, rose, sangrias and any chilled wine in stemmed flutes or stemmed glassware. It’s the only way to maintain the right temperature. I make an exception if I’m drinking outdoors like on the beach or roof deck then I’ll drink out of insulated stemless tumblers (like a yeti, brumate) made especially for wine/sparkling wine.

      Red wine is good for stemless glassware but unless you don’t like stemmed, I would not get rid of them. I don’t baby mine and put them straight in the dishwasher top rack with the special wine stem holders the newer dishwashers have.

      FWIW, I don’t like seated social dinners – being stuck with a seating chart for a formal dinner seems a little joyless to me, but I love a good dining room for everyday meals. I don’t like “eat-in” kitchens.

      • Anonymous

        I like my eat-in kitchen for solo meals (me and my newspaper), but it’s bad for family meals.

        We’re STILL trying to get the kids to chew with their mouths closed and they become at least temporary believers that it is nasty when they are watching their sibling chew from across the table (but not when eating at the kitchen island, which is arranged in a row). We don’t eat there every day b/c one kid zoom schools in there and it’s not always tidied at dinner (their “lunches” aren’t at the same time). But we try.

      • Is it Friday yet?

        Yup, stemmed wine glasses, and they should be held by the stem not around the bowl. If your greasy fingerprints are all over the glass, you’re doing it wrong. :) Wine stays the temperature it should – including red, which should actually be served at like 60-68 depending on the varietal, so generally colder than room temperature/slightly chilled. Though white is generally served too cold, haha, that’s another rant.

    • Anonymous

      I actually am pro team stemmed wine glasses. This is not only because I mostly drink sparkling wines, but also because I cannot stand the huge increase in finger prints that occur on stemless wine glasses vs. ones with stems. This is clearly a “me” thing, and at the end of the day I support drinking wine/water/juice/beer/etc. out of what ever glass makes you happy.

    • cat socks

      We don’t drink wine, but make cocktails that are served in coupe or Nick & Nora glasses.

    • Anonanonanon2

      We aren’t huge wine drinkers (more gin and tonic etc) so we only used them when we hosted our large holiday party or other gatherings. If you drink wine, go for it, though!

    • Anonie

      I actually really like glasses with stems. I’m a tiny bit clumsy at times and I feel a (perhaps false) sense of security when I have a stem to grab onto. Stemless glasses seem so much easier to drop!

    • Senior Attorney

      Good Lord not in my house. We use our stemware every day and put it in the dishwasher.

    • Anon

      We have stemmed glasses for every sort of drink. When we open a bottle of red wine, my husband makes sure he uses the proper glass to get the most of it. I also make sure I use the proper glass for me, which is a stemless rocks glass, because I talk with my hands (especially after red wine) and will definitely knock a tall, stemmed glass over.

    • Trixie

      While I like the stemless glasses, holding the glass does warm up the wine, and I love a cold, crisp white wine. The stems were there to preserve the temperature of the wine, not for show.

  4. Flats Only

    I had this sweatshirt two years ago. I’ve always thought JCrew Factory items were OK quality, especially for the price, but this one was a miss. The sweatshirt part was stiff, not soft and drapey, and it faded in 2 washes in such a way that it was really obvious it was a sweatshirt, and not a cute sweater.

  5. curlsallday

    Y’all I was late to yesterday’s coffee break – but to the poster who was talking about self care/massage – My massage therapist suggested I get the thumby for when my back is a mess and I couldn’t get in to see her. I know the name is ridiculous, but honestly I can’t recommend it enough. The fact that the recommendation came literally a week before our state shut down was amazing. The other item I would recommend is the rogue fitness mobility star (or similar).

    • Anonymous

      Along those same lines, I really love using a tennis ball for the back of my neck and my shoulders.

      • Anon

        I use a lacrosse ball at the recommendation of a physical therapist. It’s great.

        For those who don’t know, you put the ball between you and a wall, and you use your body pressure to roll the ball along wherever it’s tight. For me, it’s my neck/shoulders.

  6. Anon

    40th birthday help please! My husband is turning 40 on Tuesday and I want to make it special. Our daughter is staying with our nanny for an overnight so we’re going on a hike and then will laze around like we did pre-kid on Saturday morning. There is a cake coming and some decorations for that little celebration with the three of us, but what else can I do with a short turn-around? I think the overnight and cake would be enough for a normal birthday but this is a big one! FWIW he doesn’t drink and isn’t really a foodie at all. He like board games but the long ones and I think a masked, 5-hour game night on our roof might just be too difficult.

    • Anne

      Um your plan sounds amazing as is. Add in some comfort food take out and call it a weekend. I’m so jealous.

    • Airplane.

      You plan sounds great as is! Even if he’s not a foodie he can appreciate a special kid-free breakfast. Just whatever whatever it is he likes for breakfast.

      He’s your husband so I get it, but even for my very best friend I would decline an invite for a 5 hour masked indoor game night. Don’t do that.

      • OP

        Haha yes. OP here – We would not do indoors, even masked, but I was considering inviting a couple of his board-game friends for a masked, outdoor thing on roof, albeit for a shorter time – probably max two hours. Honestly five hours of board games under any circumstances is way past my limit but he (and these friends) loves it. I politely excuse myself during these sessions.

        • Curious

          Board games on the roof sounds amazing. The main concern I would have is that people tend to get pretty close because you all need to see the board. A RPG with cards (maybe Dominion? I’ve only played once) would be safer.

          Secondary concern is who the friends are and whether they introduce a high level of risk (bar hoppers?). We have been doing infrequent very small (3-4 people) outdoor gatherings where we stay 6 feet apart for the most part and mask if closer. This is within my county’s guidelines (Gather with no more than 5 people outside your household per week.) It has saved my sanity. That said, we are meeting with friends who are also working from home and careful (mask on the streets, grocery trips but not recreational shopping, not eating out even though restaurants are open, etc.).

    • Jeffiner

      There are digital platforms where friends can play board games together online. Could you organize one of those?

    • AnonATL

      Pandemic is a really fun 2 player game and I don’t think it takes too long.
      It’s also more cooperative so it’s not you vs him. I haven’t tried any of the expansion packs or speciality versions, just the standard one.

    • Anon

      what about driving to some friends houses to say hi and have a socially distanced outside drink? This would work better if you are in a suburb and people can be far apart in front porch or yard than the city. A friend who is a car person rented a convertible to do this, but if you aren’t a car person, just seeing people sounds really nice.

    • Anon 2.0

      Not a board game but maybe charades? That would allow people to stay socially distant and can be a blast!

      • Senior Attorney

        Not to be a downer, but that would involve shouting, which has been shown to be a very high-risk activity.

    • Anonie

      A game night on the roof sounds lovely to me, and I’m not even a huge fan of all that many board games. You could perhaps call his friends and see who if any are comfortable with a masked, outdoor outing. Alternatively, I agree with the poster who mentioned virtual board games. Code Names is one, for example, that has a very user-friendly free online platform!

    • BlueAlma

      We are also game people. For my husband’s birthday last month we did an online escape room with trappedpuzzlerooms.com with his far flung siblings we rarely see (and never celebrate birthdays with). It was funny and well done, and we’re planning another one.

  7. Anonymous

    Could we talk first time home buying? I’m so confused about how much of a down payment I need, when I need to get preapproval, what earnest money is and if it is on top of the down payment. Any tips? Sources of information you liked?

    • Anon

      Get a preapproval when you’re ready to start looking – you will need one to submit an offer.

    • Quail

      Only get a pre-approval letter for the amount you want to spend. Never disclose to your buyer’s agent how much you can actually get approved for (which might be more than you are comfortable spending). Factor in how much you will need to save each month for house maintenance, in addition to your mortgage – this amount will depend on the age and condition of your house and how much work you want to do.

      Earnest money is a small amount of money you submit with your offer. I think the actual amount is kind of customary by region – my first house in medium sized town New England it was $1000, my second in big city Midwest it was like $5,000 I think? Your agent will tell you what’s appropriate. (This is just one large-ish chunk of cash you will need to have on hand – others include home inspection payments, some closing costs, etc. Some costs you can roll into the mortgage, but it’s good to have a bit of liquid, easily accessible assets for these types of costs.)

      When I bought, you needed 20% down to avoid mortgage insurance. Having a larger down payment also makes your offer more attractive to the sellers, as you are more likely to actually get financing. Most contracts have a clause that gives you an out of buying if you can’t secure financing, which then leaves the sellers starting all over.

      Remember that buyer’s agents have an incentive to get you to close, and close quickly. They only get paid if you buy, and the higher the closing price, the more they make. Don’t feel pressured into not negotiating as hard as you want. Check reviews on the inspector they recommend.

      • Anon

        Not OP, but interested in the subject too and I’m intrigued that you say not to tell the buyer’s agent what you were actually approved for. I was just talking to my husband last night saying that I would want to ditch a realtor that kept pushing us to the max amount approved if it was over the amount we actually wanted to spend.

        • Quail

          I just think that’s need to know information. Good agents should be respectful of your wishes, but it’s also another tool to keep you sticking to your budget. If you want to look at houses that are in the $600-800K range, say, but you are approved for up to $1.2 million and the agent knows that, the agent might throw in a few $1m houses and, lo and behold, you fall in love with one of those because it’s likely to be nicer/bigger/whatever. But if you don’t disclose and you’ve been looking in the lower ranges for awhile and realize you need to up the budget, you can do so no problem.

          I realize my post came across as a little anti-buyer’s agent, but I do think it’s important to remember that your incentives aren’t always aligned. Home buying was a more emotional experience than I expected and so it can be hard to recognize that in the moment.

      • Mondays

        My loan officer made a few loan estimates for me to show the breakdowns and monthly payments at different price points, but would produce a fresh letter for each offer so the seller wouldn’t know how much we were approved for.

    • anon

      A conventional mortgage still requires 20% down payment. There are other options, but even if you can convince the bank to risk a smaller downpayment, you pay for it longterm.

      Preapproval is helpful. We developed a relationship with a mortgage broker and she would run the specific costs for every house we were seriously considering.

      Earnest money is a small portion of the downpayment, which is intended to prevent you from casually breaking a deal (but if the deal falls through for good reasons, you usually get it back). It is paid when you have an agreement with a seller, which is very early in the process, but counts as part of your downpayment when the deal closes.

      Closing costs are an umbrella term for all the bank fees and sometimes parts of the agents’ comission. I didn’t fully understand those lines on the sheet, but my takeaway was that it added more money that had to be added to the final check.

      • JTM

        Not true – I bought 2yrs ago, I have a conventional mortgage (not FHA/VA) and did not need to put down 20%. Yes PMI can be a pain, but in our case, we aren’t staying in our home more than 5yrs and putting down 20% just to avoid PMI was not worth it when we ran the numbers.

        • Anon

          Yes you put down 20% if you can swing it to avoid PMI (which is mortgage insurance for the bank that doesn’t benefit you, but you’re paying for it.)

          We put 10% down on our first house in the Bay Area and paid PMI for a few years and absolutely hated it the whole time, but we gained enough equity (due to the market, not primarily due to our payments) that we could refinance and drop the PMI. It was the only way we could get into the housing market so it was worth it in hindsight.

      • Anon

        – No one needs 20% for a down payment any more (excepting really hot RE markets where you are competing with all-cash offers) and no first-time homebuyer I know has put 20% down on a house. The 20% down number was invented by the banking industry when mortgages became more common in the 1920s. That number has no basis in reality and makes no difference on affordability of a home; the purchase price is what makes the home affordable or unaffordable.

        – This point was made below, and anyone interested can Google it and read a ton about it, but – waiting and saving the 20% to avoid PMI is foolish now that mortgage interest rates are around 3%. We bought a new house two years ago and the lowest rate we could get was 4.75%; we just refinanced down to 2.78%. I don’t know how long mortgage rates will be this low, but it won’t be forever. By the time the 20% is saved, rates will likely go up and that costs way more over the long run than PMI. This is something where everyone needs to run the numbers for their situation to see how it works for them, but our PMI is $53 a month. Compared to taking $25k out of the market and putting it into the house (an illiquid asset that may or may not appreciate in value), paying the PMI is not a burden and not costing us in lost market gains over the long run. I have seen people recoil at paying $80 in PMI on a $3500 mortgage, and will borrow against their 401k (or take a withdrawal) to avoid it. It makes no sense to me. It’s not about “the principle of the thing” that you don’t want to pay PMI which is “paying for nothing.” Run the numbers and see how much taking money out of the market, or even CDs, will cost you vs. paying PMI.

        – I absolutely agree with the advice about not telling your buyer’s agent how much you are approved for. Fun story, we were approved for $850k which was more than twice what we were looking to spend. Unbeknownst to me, our buyer’s agent and our mortgage broker knew each other. First day we go out looking at houses, we pull up to a house where the list is $650k. I had specifically said to the agent, we don’t want to go above $425k. Period. When I asked “what are we doing here?” she said “(Mortgage broker) told me you guys are approved up to $850k! This house isn’t anywhere near that! So let’s take a look!” I refused to get out of the car. We ended up finding a very nice place at $375k; the monthly mortgage payment then was less than 30% of our take-home pay (and now it’s right at 20%), and we’re very happy and comfortable here. A more expensive home equals more commission for the buyer’s agent. And never, ever forget, their objective is to close the deal – at the highest amount they can, as quickly as they can, and by putting in minimal amount of work. They are not really working for you or in your best interests, despite the fact that you are paying them a lot of money to do that. They work in service of the deal. Only. Always. So anyone buying a house needs to be their own best advocate.

    • Anon

      Find a good buyer’s agent in your area and ask. This is totally dependent on location. For example, in outer-borough NYC, coops will not consider you if you can’t put 20% down and don’t have another 6 months of mortgage and maintenance payments in the bank. Earnest money here is 10% — aka half your down payment. You have to have a pre-approval letter to submit your offer. Other areas vary!

    • Anonymous

      Earnest money is the chink you put down immediately and will lose if you break the purchase contract and don’t close on the purchase for any reason, or on a timeline, not permitted under the contract. The earnest money will be considered part of the down payment or applied to closing costs when you close. The amount of down payment you need is different depending on your market and your lender. I only put down 5%. There was not a competition for the house I was buying and I found a lender happy to lend on that basis. I pay mortgage insurance as a result, but it is a very small amount in my case and reserving the cash allowed me to feel a bit more comfortable and to make some immediate changes to the house. You can generally get better financing terms with a bigger down payment, but that was marginal in my case. I also had a preapproval when I made the offer, so there was no concern on the part of the seller that the financing contingency would be a problem.

    • emeralds

      We just went through this process–we started going to open houses almost exactly a year ago, actually! I recommend asking trusted folks for a suggestion on an agent, then sitting down with them and having a looooong convo about all those questions and your market. So much of this is location and situation-dependent. They can also provide recommendations for things like mortgage brokers.

      And if you don’t like the agent’s vibes or feel like they aren’t taking you seriously, find another one. Our agent was an absolute freaking rock star–I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would have been to go through the process with someone who we didn’t mesh with as well as we did.

      FWIW, we did not put 20% down on our conventional mortgage. We could have made it happen, but asked our mortgage broker to run numbers for us based on a variety of down payment scenarios and it ended up making more sense for us to put down something in the like, 14% range? We both have outstanding credit and mortgage insurance ended up being like 30 bucks a month, plus there ended up being literally no difference in our interest rate. It was worth it to us keep a larger slush fund for unanticipated expenses and closing costs.

      • Anonymous

        It wouldn’t have occurred to me to ask a realtor since I’m looking to purchase next summer. Apparently it’s not too early to start talking to one and I appreciate that advice from others.

        • emeralds

          Yes, definitely start now! We talked to ours for the first time in maybe–March? And she was able to answer all of our 101 level questions, plus make sure we were approaching our price point and market segment appropriately, and give us some information about timing in our market that we wouldn’t have known otherwise. The kind of agent you want to work with knows this is a long game, and will be willing to invest the time upfront to build a good relationship.

  8. Anonforthis

    Are any of you lawyers working for an impact litigation organization (like the ACLU)? Has always been my dream to work for this type of organization, but I got sucked into private practice out of school. I think I could be a viable candidate for a recently posted position and will apply. Do you feel like you are able to make meaningful change? Are you feeling burnout, especially in the current climate?

      • Anonymous

        Sadly, this.

        I used to work with farmworkers. I worked very hard on my Spanish to do this. Learned all of the laws. Spent a lot of time volunteering, drafting letters, etc. It is a population that needs a lot of help. Even now, my church has an outreach ministry to them and their families (who often come with them).

        20+ years of this work and I bet I could get on the board (b/c boards mainly fundraise where I am), but in no way would I get hired as a lawyer. Makes no sense, but my resume is not glamorous enough it seemed back when I was in my 20s.

      • Anon

        Did you?
        You might be interested to know that there are some lower tiered cities where attorneys who attended lower tiered law schools are allowed to hold prestigious positions :)

        • anon

          I don’t think this poster is trying to be snarky or discouraging or a prestige wh0re. The reality is that it’s quite difficult to get these types of positions outside of a HYS type pedigree. The school you went to will really influence your options so it’s hard to have this conversation without knowing what you’re working with. With some years of relevant experience you could potentially make up for it. I went to a “lower tiered” law school – top 20 ish– and graduated in the recession and know one person who was able to work for the ACLU for free for two years until they finally hired her. Is this a viable pathway for most people? No. But sure yes sometimes it works out. My top 20 law school and top (but not tippy top) grades were not good enough for most of the impact litigation/policy type jobs I was seeking in my niche public interest field. Good enough to intern over and over again, so I’m familiar with the culture and what hiring looks like, but not good enough to get hired.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, but probably not at national impact litigation organizations. There are exceptions and trends toward being more equitable, though, so I wouldn’t let it discourage you if you otherwise meet the hiring requirements. And I say this as someone who went to a top 10 school, but not HYS, and still managed to land a job at a nationally recognized impact litigation org (albeit as a fellow first, not sure which way that cuts). And I beat out a Harvard competitor in the final round! I’d go for it anyway, but generally speaking, for every open position at one of these orgs, there are about 400 applicants.

          • Mondays

            Yes my understanding from talking to folks working on hiring at these orgs is that they are trying to diversify to have attorneys with more varied socioeconomic backgrounds, rather than only focusing on HYS/ clerkships. It makes sense because how can they advocate effectively if they are not including all types of experiences in their own workforce.

    • Anonymous

      I did a couple of years ago but am now in a different, adjacent part of the organization. If you like litigation, you should definitely go for it (I ultimately realized that working on an amazing, impactful issue did not cure my dislike of litigation). The only thing I would say is that it can be a grind if you work in an area where you are constantly losing because the courts are hostile to your issue, and some either find it exhilarating or depressing to spend their entire career on one specific issue (if the org in question is a one-issue kind of place). But you will work with some of the smartest, most committed lawyers out there, and often make real, meaningful change. A lot of these places don’t pay that badly (not law firm salaries, but more like government attorneys and less like public defenders, etc), but know that they are incredibly competitive positions to get and that having worked in the private sector can help if you built the right skill set, but no one will be impressed just because you came from a well known firm. This is a culture of top law schools and prestigious clerkships (all of which you may have, and only some of which I did). Good luck!

    • anon

      The way I was able to make meaningful change as an attorney was as a prosecutor. You will need demonstrable trial skills but the ability to help crime victims and their families, plus help make neighborhoods safer, is really meaningful.

        • Anonymous

          I’m an appellate defender and LOVE it. Our office is able to have a real impact on the law in our state, and sometimes beyond. We have had a couple cases in the last 12 years that I have been here that have resulted in US Supreme Court decisions.

    • Anonymous

      You might also consider BigLaw pro bono coordinator, or taking a adjunct public interest clinic coordinator position at your alma mater.

  9. YNAB thoughts?

    I have been experimenting with YNAB as a new budgeting/tracking software but am struggling with understanding how the software works… It’s definitely different than Mint. Any tips or tricks for when you first started out? Did you find there was a big learning curve to the software? It’s starting to seem like a lot of extra steps – the budgeting as you go (i.e. only with the dollars you currently have) plus still categorizing transactions. I was looking for a service that would allow direct import of transactions via a csv or quicken file as one of banks does not play nice with third party services.

    Thanks!

    • Carrots

      I love YNAB! A couple of tips:
      – Use the goals for setting up what the monthly dollar is. You can quick budget easier that way. My process is now about 5 minutes on payday of budgeting the money and then reconciling my cards.
      – Reconcile often!! In the before times, when I was actually out spending a lot of money, I typically did it once every two or three days. Now that I’m not spending as much, it’s like once a week.
      – Check out their Youtube channel. They have really great videos for people who are just starting out, but also other ones about general budgeting topics.
      – Also check out the subreddit r/ynab. It’s pretty active and people there are also full of good tips.

      It’s a different way of thinking from Mint and it does take time to make the switch from a “what did I spend” to “what do I have to spend” and it honestly took me a few months of playing with it before I really dug in and got it.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been using YNAB for 3-4 years and really like it. There was a learning curve, and it helped to use the training materials. There are videos, some brief documentation, and they do some online classes. I found the training material simple and easy to use and would go back for specific questions.

      What helped me is that I didn’t use it for pre-existing debt. I created a single budget line and transaction for my outstanding credit card balance. I also started with a test budget to learn with, fully intending to start over once I got the hang of it all. There is the capability to import transactions, I personally prefer to enter them manually. To avoid a bunch of tiny transactions, I give myself $200 cash as “spending money” that I don’t track the details, and also add$100 gift cards to Amazon for books.

      I enter transactions as I go — usually from the email from my credit card, and update everything in the app every other week when I get paid.

    • Mathy

      I love YNAB. I had tried the free trial a few times before and purchased a year back in April. I finally started using it in earnest over the past couple of months and think it’s really making us take a focused look at our spending. Once you get everything set up, it’s really only a few minutes a day (I do it first thing in the morning when I wake up and before I get out of bed).

      I don’t think the learning curve is due to the software — the user experience is honestly pretty great — but the personal budgeting and tweaking of dollar jobs takes some getting used to. Watch the videos — there aren’t many, and they’re quick. There is a podcast which I listen to sometimes. You will learn as you go along, and in my experience, I really started hitting my YNAB groove this month.

      Biggest thing for me is knowing that my age of money isn’t equal to my buffer because I have lots in savings for a down payment, so AOM isn’t as much of a goal stat as others. Also note that some banks don’t automatically import (for me American Express and Capital One transactions don’t import). Some people swear by the manual inputting of transactions, and maybe once you get the hang of it, you’ll like it?

    • pugsnbourbon

      I think it takes a couple months to get a feel for it – I remember struggling a bit with it at the beginning. I log in once a day/once every other day to make sure the transactions I have to sort don’t get out of hand. The system will learn how to categorize the payees you use every month so all you have to do is approve the transaction. It also tracks how much you tend to spend in each category, so it’s easy to set up your budget for the next month.
      I would say give it six months, and if you still don’t like it, it may not be the right system for you.

    • anon

      I’m not a total evangelist for YNAB, but I’ve been using it for several years and I do recommend it to family who have asked. I agree with the comments above. One thing I think it is particularly good for is shared marital bank accounts, because it syncs up on both phones, so DH and I don’t accidentally spend the same money twice.

    • AnonInfinity

      I’m not exaggerating when I say that YNAB changed my financial life. My biggest tip is to watch the Nick True videos on YouTube. He has a beginner one that you should watch, with YNAB open in front of you so you can really follow along. He also has one about starting in the middle of the month, using the goal functions, and credit cards. Each one is on the longer side, but they are excellent walkthroughs. The YNAB YouTube channel has some good content in shorter videos.

      I actually do not like automatic importing, so I manually enter all my transactions. For me, it helps because I feel more hands-on, but I know a lot of people hate it. There is definitely a way to import a csv file if you want to do it that way! They also have fantastic customer support.

      It helped for me to think of it just as an envelope system. You can only put the money you have into your envelopes every month, and you take out of a certain envelope to spend. I don’t have a ton of categories, which helps for me. You have to play around with it for a while and see what resonates for you. I really enjoy fiddling with my budget (I’m not a newbie, either) and my accounts, so I enter my transactions and reconcile every morning. The software remembers what category each store usually comes from, so it’s just a matter of starting to type the store name and then the amount. It takes about 5 minutes per day because I stay on top of it. Some people like doing it all as one task on a weekend (and if you’re going to import a csv file, that seems more efficient). Happy budgeting!

    • Anon

      Do they still have the online tutorials? I’d do one or two of those. For some reason it took me a little while for the YNAB method to click, but once it did it was very easy.

  10. Zoom Shine

    I always look shiny on my zoom calls. My skin tends toward oily, but zoom seems to magnify any and all shine that I have on my face. I use a R&F lotion specifically to cut down on shine and powder as part of my make-up routine. So two questions: (1) Any products or great powders that tackle shine? (2) Beyond treating the surface (quite literally), does anyone know if shine/oily skin is linked to diet or any other lifestyle changes I can attempt? Thx!

    • Veronica Mars

      My favorite sunscreen has some oil that causes shine, so I use the Palladio rice paper oil absorbing blotting tissues before calls– they carry them at Sally’s, Ulta, Amazon, etc.

    • Anonie

      Depending on your company culture and whether or not you are expected to be heavily presenting on these calls…is it possible to just pick a room with slightly worse lighting or dim the lights a tiny bit? I’m biased here ha, but I have found that I prefer dim lighting for video calls so I can get away without makeup altogether :)

      In before times, I rarely left the house (and never for work) without makeup…nowadays, I keep my camera off for work calls as much as possible so I don’t have to bother getting dolled up (something I used to enjoy, but am finding a bit of a burden when I’m just at home all day hahah). Makeup also gets so expensive so fast!

  11. anon

    Ugh, well it’s official that I’ve gained quarantine weight. I can’t zip my jeans. Not trying to start another diet thread because I hate that sh!t but arrrrrrrg. I don’t feel fantastic, so I guess it’s time to buckle down and do something about this. I have definitely used food for comfort during the past six months, and it’s hard to give that up.

    • Batgirl

      Right there with you, sister! Mine is coupled with some zoloft weight. But I’m trying to think of it as “I gained a little bit of weight…while coping with a lot during a pandemic” and cut myself some slack. You should, too!

      • Anonymous

        I def am! (Different anon). And yet just the same, my jeans are cutting me no slack.

          • Senior Attorney

            The problem is that the OP doesn’t have jeans that fit her. So the solution is to get jeans that do fit.

          • anon

            You’re very wealthy, right Senior Attorney? I recall a post when you mentioned throwing a very lavish birthday party for your husband thousands so I think I am right about that. We can’t all simply buy a new wardrobe when we’ve eaten ourselves out of our clothes.

          • Anonymous

            Meaning she should buy new jeans. Life is too short to kill yourself over a few pounds. Just buy new jeans.

          • eertmeert

            @ anon 12:22pm – thrift stores and ebay and poshmark and mercari and craigslist are all places where you can get jeans for under $10. I am not wealthy and manage to update my wardrobe when my size changes without putting a dent in my budget.
            Brush that chip off your shoulder.

      • anon

        I also started a new BC pill like 2 weeks before the world shut down. So it may be partly that, but also my habits.

      • Anon

        Coping with a pandemic and being squarely on the cusp of menopause. I am trying to give myself a break. I am eating healthy foods and not overeating, usually, so I refuse to beat myself up.

      • Batgirl

        Coming back to add (since this conversation took kind of a crazy turn) that what I meant was that you should cut yourself some slack, buy a few items that make you comfortable today, and then do what you can to lose the weight if you want to — or don’t, and that’s okay too. But the idea that we’re all these fat slobs who just can’t get our lives in order during a pandemic is harmful (and I know no one has said that out loud, but it’s screaming from some of these posts) is unkind and counterproductive. Be kind to yourself, don’t punish your body by squeezing into uncomfortable clothes, and decide where to go from there from a place of self-love.

    • Anon

      It’s diet culture that has convinced you that it’s a big problem to gain a little weight during a time of unbelievable stress for the entire country (whoever thought up “quarantine 15” set women back even more). Cut yourself some slack and look into intuitive eating/how comfort food has a role. Best of luck.

      • Anonymous

        Ha — it is a problem when your clothes don’t fit. And “intuitive eating” to me is misguided — my intuition got me into this. Delicious food IS comforting. Not the OP, but I’m not eating to where I am uncomfortable and distended. But maybe an Italian ice will cool me off on a hot day. It has been really hot. Even a small indulgence will add up over time.

        For me, I was maybe maxing out on my clothes before, so the 5 pounds I gained in lockdown has me needing a “contents under pressure” label. THAT is uncomfortable. I’ve gone up another size in SMLXL sizing and now have a very small capsule wardrobe.

        • anon

          OP here, and yeah. I know intuitive eating works for many and believe me I am NOT INTO DIET CULTURE, but it is not fun when your clothes don’t fit. My intuition tells me that I want to eat cookies 18 hours a day because they are delicious and bring me joy, so … something needs to change.

          • Anon

            You sound like I did before I started intuitive eating. If you’re really over diet culture, you’ll get there too <3

        • Anonymous

          It’s not a problem with your body, it’s a problem with your pants. You can buy new ones.

          • anon

            And some people don’t want to see their body change from what they feel comfortable with or get a whole new wardrobe, or dress in ill fitting clothes–especially if they know, for them, that it would be relatively easy to change. That’s okay too. Not sure why you are insisting that she just stop caring about her body?

          • Anonymous

            All those clothes are not free. And it’s hard to try on things now.

            I was in a panic b/c I thought I’d need to be in court today. No pants fit that are suit pants. I basically need to buy a new suit (which to me is jacket + 2 pairs of pants for back when I travelled, maybe a skirt if offered).

          • Anon

            My wardrobe is beautiful and not easily replaceable. Most of them are classic pieces, high quality, bought on deep discount. I had a baby about six months ago and just cannot shake the weight (despite being in great physical shape). I would rather put money in my kid’s 529 than buy myself an entirely new wardrobe.

          • Anon

            After childbirth, you could get down to the same or even a lower weight, but your beautiful pieces may still not fit properly. Ask me how I know. Clothes are just objects.

      • Anonymous

        No it isn’t. It’s the fact that my pants don’t fit, I’m now obese, and I feel physical effects of carrying too much weight.

      • Anon

        Buy new clothes. Your body is not going to be one size your entire life. The sooner you embrace that, the much easier life becomes. Spending 40 bucks on a new pair of pants to gain daily comfort was well, well worth it. I have never been able to hate my body thin. I exercise and eat all kinds of delicious foods, ranging from salads to my favorite treats, because I love both of those things and I can better perform in my favorite sports. My weight will be what it will be.

        • LaurenB

          “I have never been able to hate my body thin.”

          This is an odd projection. It is possible to say “hey, I need to watch it, those quarantine pounds snuck up on me” without saying “I hate my body.” In fact, I love my body enough that I strive to treat it well, with healthful food and appropriate physical activity. Because I am human, sometimes I forget and I overindulge in comfort food or stress eating that doesn’t serve me well. It is very odd that you think wanting to pay more attention to one’s eating habits and drop a few pounds equals self-hate.

          • Anon

            What you’re missing is that you can treat your body well with healthful food and appropriate physical activity and be “overweight” or “obese.” Why do you need the focus on weight when you can focus on behaviors instead? Body neutrality is the way to go.

          • anon

            OP here, and yes, this. I do not hate myself, and I do not hate my body. This is not the first time I have dealt with stress-related weight gain. It is a thing. It is possible to hold yourself accountable without it being an act of self-hate.

          • anonymous

            “What you’re missing is that you can treat your body well with healthful food and appropriate physical activity and be “overweight” or “obese.””

            Dude, no one ever said otherwise. You are projecting your agendas and your issues hard. Obviously, OP is not ‘obese yet engaging in appropriate physical activity and eating healthful food.’ She’s not obese. She gained some weight which she connected to less than healthy behaviors connected with the pandemic. What you’re talking about is just an entirely different issue all together. Please stop. People are allowed to have feelings and opinions about their weight that actually have nothing to do with “hating yourself thin” or answering the Ultimate Question of whether people can still be overweight even though they eat well and exercise (yes, of course they can). This doesn’t need to dominate every single conversation.

            You are also, ironically, ignoring that people have different bodies. If I were to become obese or overweight, it would be because I was not eating healthy/exercising. My body is such that if I am eating relatively well/working out moderately, I do not get anywhere close to overweight. Even with my most unhealthy behaviors (almost no exercise, mediocre eating) I gain like 7% of my weight. If I ever became obese (barring some major physiological trigger like childbearing or menopause) it would not be in spite of the fact that I was still eating healthily/exercising. For some people, it would be, but not me.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t know why this is supposed to be true though. Once you are past puberty and outside of childbearing/illness/med-based weight changes, why shouldn’t you be the same size as an adult? When I consider the people in my family, the reason they are in older-style preppy clothes that are a bit worn is that their sizes just have been static over decades.

          • Anon

            Yeah, this. Unless my weight changes for medical reasons, I don’t see why it should change? I’ve worn the same size since HS — and yes I’ve had a kid, and I’m now in my late 30s so my metabolism is much slower than it was in HS. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve adjusted to a more veggie/fruit based diet and now alcohol, sweets and simple carbs as special treats to have a few times a week. I know many people struggle with medical issues that mean this would not work for them, but it’s not impossible for many of us.

          • Anonymous

            Um, Your body is a system that changes over time. Hormones, your age changes, your stress levels… None of this is static

          • Anon

            When are you ever going to be past “illness” or “med-based weight changes” in your life? Like another poster said, your body is not static. I know plenty of people who prided themselves on wearing the same clothes they wore when they were 22 and freaked out when they got put on steroids for a year and gained weight, or went through a vicious menopause and gained weight, or went through a divorce and lost weight…rather than adding to your troubles by wearing jeans that don’t fit, buy the new jeans. Buy clothes from companies that let you swap out sizes for up to a year post-purchase, like Universal Standard. Buy used clothes that are more affordable and better for the planet. Look for a paradigm shift in how we treat our bodies and shop for clothes.

          • Anon

            You might not be the same size even if you are wearing the same size, due to manufacturers and vanity sizing

          • Anonymous

            People used to wear out clothes because they wore them long enough to wear them out. I don’t think that that is the case any more — it doesn’t seem sustainable to constantly reshop a closet of quality items. Or abandon quality for fast-fashion b/c you may need to replace over the 50+ decades your are an adult.

        • Anon

          The super active 80+ year old people I know are ones that have stayed approximately the same size. I can’t say that I have. But I will not apologize for wanting to get back to that size nor for thinking it’s a healthy thing to do.

          • Anonymous

            I get that I probably won’t be much smaller than I am now over the remainder of my adult lifetime, but I suspect that decades of having to size up periodically will be a sign that my health stats may be slipping. I guess the waistline is the canary in the coal mine? But A1C numbers, blood pressure, and wear /tear on joints are no joke and at a certain point, if you can keep excess weight off of your body, it is probably for the best. I’ve seen older Elderhostel people climbing around like mountain goats on trails and I want to be that older person when I grow up :)

          • Anonymous

            This. So tired of every thread on stress eating ending up with people telling the OP to just buy bigger pants. OP clearly isn’t happy. Telling her to suck it up and be happy isn’t the answer. People are allowed to want their bodies to be a certain way. There’s a poster here that gets like upset if people aren’t 100% okay with being overweight or obese. Like I’ve had one knee replacement cause by weight issues, sorry not sorry if I wanted to lose weight to avoid another.

          • Anonymous

            Yes. My dream is one day to be a super active old person. Gaining a bunch of weight is the easiest way to derail that plan.

      • LaurenB

        But a weight gain of 10-15 pounds most certainly makes my clothes not fit, makes me feel sluggish, makes my blood pressure go up, makes it harder to do the physical activities I like to do. Those things are real and have nothing to do with OMG-I-don’t-look-great-in-my-bikini. I don’t know why we are supposed to pretend that weight gain doesn’t impact health unless it’s 50 pounds or more.

        • Anon

          Gaining 10 lbs does not magically stop you from doing physical activity. If it did, we wouldn’t see endless posts here about people’s normal sizes being ever so slightly tight and they stepped on the scale and bam, surprise 10 lbs. It’s never “I went from able-bodied to gasping for breath going up the stairs and then I collapsed, unable to recover or to even heft my suddenly enormous bulk back up…” Let’s drop the hyperbole on the impact of 10 lbs for the vast majority of people.

          • Anonymous

            OMG – are you serious? She didn’t say she couldn’t do it, she said it was harder. Like it factually is harder to run a certain distance if you have to move more weight. It just is. And I definitely can’t do certain poses in my yoga class as easily when I’m up 10lbs. Rocking my yoga class every week is great for my mental health.

            The majority of my friends do feel the impact of 10lbs. because we’ve talked about covid weight gain and how it’s messed with our physical activity routines whether it’s cycling or yoga. And most of us are middle of the pack on sizing. Zero of us are in the 2-4 size range or are worried about being instafitness lookalikes. We just want to not have to buy new pants.

          • Anon

            I run and the 10 pounds I have gained postpregnancy impact my ability to do physical exercise. It is substantially more stress on my joints, slows me down, and lessens the number of miles I can run. Newfound chub rub means very expensive shorts or reapplying Glide every 3 miles (not feasible if you’re aiming for continuous running).

          • Anon

            Yes, if you do body weight exercises, you will absolutely feel 10 lbs right away.

            Even just water weight makes me feel blah and look puffy, and that has nothing to do with fat.

          • anon

            Yeah Anon at 10:58, you’re just building strawmen and pot stirring. Please stop.

          • Anon

            Funny, I gained more than 10 lbs and somehow I can magically still run fine without collapsing in a heap due to unsolvable chub rub, but to each their own. For me, running is about overcoming excuses.

          • anonymous

            “For me, running is about overcoming excuses.”

            LOL, I hope you’re not the same person(s) screeching that we can’t “hate ourselves thin” and that the problem is OP’s pants.

          • LaurenB

            “Gaining 10 lbs does not magically stop you from doing physical activity. If it did, we wouldn’t see endless posts here about people’s normal sizes being ever so slightly tight and they stepped on the scale and bam, surprise 10 lbs. It’s never “I went from able-bodied to gasping for breath going up the stairs and then I collapsed, unable to recover or to even heft my suddenly enormous bulk back up…””

            Are you in my body, or am I? I said it made it harder. I have a harder time keeping up in spin class, I have a harder time with some of my yoga / barre poses when my weight has crept up, I am more easily out of breath going up stairs. I don’t get why I’m supposed to pretend I don’t notice changes in my body with just 10 pounds either way.

    • aargh

      I’m in the same position and I absolutely hate all forms of exercise that are not swimming. I know I have to cut out desserts, snacks, etc but I’m pretty short so I hate how low my calories likely have to be. I’ve looked at it in multiple ways and just realized thats the truth.

      Anyways, the thing that has been really encouraging for me is an Apple Watch, or probably anything else that counts how many calories or steps you do during the day. I’m okay losing the weight slowly, and I actually just want a more active lifestyle. But I find it much more motivating to have a goal of something that I can do (burn more calories through exercise) rather than something I can’t (not eat more than X calories). I’m like 2 lbs down so far, so we’ll see how this goes.

      I’m trying a standing desk today just to get sone motion in there at least, even if I am tied to my laptop and have very long hours. I also really like taking walks during conference calls, but that only works if you don’t have to be on the phone at all during it.

      I’ve seen lawyers talk about how busy it is in the times leading up to a big court case (I’m sure I’m getting the exact words wrong) and I’m in a situation like that. So it’ll be interesting to see if I can lose weight during this time but I have to at least try. Plus at the very least last time I was in a situation like this I did not move much at all and I did not like how I felt at that time, so trying to avoid that.

      • Anon

        I am like you. You might find Cubii elliptical which you can keep under the desk interesting. I bought it in costco. I have it under my desk and pedal it all the time (I crossed 3 hours of pedaling last two days !). It doesn’t burn a lot of calories, it says roughly 70 calories burned per hour when you are pedaling at a easy pace at highest resistance. But it is better than zero and you are not spending extra time to get that calorie burn.

    • Anonymous

      Yup. I’ve started weight watchers which I’ve never done before- and it’s really working for me. Lost 5 pounds in 2.5 weeks so far. I gained 10 during COVID and have another 10-15 from my last baby I would like to lose while I’m at it.

      I do best when I pay attention /count calories, but i haaaaaate doing it. WW basically makes a whole bunch of food “free” so you don’t have to bother logging it which is the only way for things to work with me. Other free apps never seem to have my food barcodes in there so it’s more manual entry than i ever do.

      I did feel like a Middle Aged Woman signing up though. I guess at 36, I am ;).

      My husband does well on the keto diet, but his main pitfalls are bread & beer. It also drives me bonkers because it’s hard (for me) to eat enough to be full in basically meat alone which is how he eats.

      • anon

        I did WW online a loooong time ago and remember that it was really hard to cancel the program when I wanted to be done. It took lots of follow-up and hassle and I was very frustrated by it. So I know it’s effective, but I am very hesitant to sign up again. I also know that I hate calorie counting, so something’s gotta give.

        • Anonymous

          Hmm, I haven’t tried to cancel yet so this could be valid feedback. When it’s time to cancel I will remember this!

          I hate paying for apps so it really got my goat to buy it.

        • CHL

          i had that experience a while ago too but i have easily signed up and dropped a couple times in the last few years. I think whatever they did with their digital experience made that a lot easier. Maybe to my detriment…

          • Anonymous

            This is me. I’ve picked up and dropped the program from time to time depending on what else is going on in my life. My weight goes up and down within about a 10lb range depending on how diligent on am on following it. Life is busy right now with a kitchen reno so I dropped my membership for a couple months. I just cancel via the app.

    • Anon

      I hate diet culture too, but one thing I focus on is how food makes me *feel*. I can house a bag of Doritos, but I don’t like how it feels afterwards. I don’t count calories at all, but I try to eat things that make me feel good. It may be rich in fats (like a beautiful chicken pot pie) but if it’s homemade and filled with vegetables I will feel happy after eating it. Over time, I’ve notice that my diet consists of things that I cook myself and have a pretty significant portion of vegetables. The other thing is that I have a huge sweet tooth. But if I eat crappy candy all day, I just don’t enjoy it as much, and I don’t feel good afterwards. So I will eat a piece of good chocolate cake after dinner. Yes it’s also filled with sugar, but a single piece of cake that is high quality and eaten after a day of nutritious eating feels so much better to me and I am able to truly enjoy it. Just buy bigger pants for now, and try to focus on foods that you love and make you feel good.

      • Anonymous

        This wouldn’t work for me I bet.

        I get that there is declining marginal utility of delicious food. The first bite of guac is amazing. Bite 200, probably less so. But if I am feeling good eating something delicious in the moment, it matters not how I will feel later.

        [Just like that old saying didn’t work: this doesn’t taste as good as being thin feels; to me, it always tasted BETTER than being thin.]

        • Anonymous

          And it’s not that people are eating gallons of guac and bags of chips probably. Is that maybe we eat one donut a day. Over 6 months of lockdown, if it’s a donut in addition to your prior day’s tally, it may bump your weight up past what your clothes can handle, especially if your activity level has dropped. It’s like how the Colorado River was able to make the Grand Canyon. It’s sneaky what a little indulgence can do to you over time if you don’t try on anything but stretchy clothes for months.

          • Anon

            Yeah this is all true and fair, but my comment really wasn’t about weight loss. It was more about eating in a way that makes me feel good. I’ve lost weight eating this way just because I’ve ended up cutting out so many processed foods and increased vegetable intake. But I agree that this won’t work for everybody and may lead to undesired weight gain.

          • Ribena

            This is where my COVID 15 came from. Losing my 45 minutes running or on the elliptical every morning (I was half marathon training) in favour of a 25 minute barre or yoga workout, added to the loss of the 8,000+ steps of incidental movement I would get over the course of the day, added to the banana bread and comfort baking and large plates of nutritious home cooked food.
            It’s fine, I’m not beating myself up about it, but I am using Lose It (where my username is tinea) and I have now lost half of the COVID 15 just through calorie counting and being kind to myself. That still includes a coffee and a cinnamon bun out, just not every day.
            And I’m THIS close to buying a Peloton bike.

    • Anonymous

      Okay? I thought it was great. I fully agree. I can embrace a bold lip without finding powerful women’s grooming choices news worthy.

  13. Best Billing / Docketing tips?

    For folks who work off of a billable hour or are responsible for billing/docketing their time to a client – what’s your best tips for keeping up? I often find the day goes by in a blur and somehow I have 6 billable hours out of a 10 hour day! Or I’m so tired that I say ‘oh, I’ll put in my hours tomorrow’ and then a week later am frantically putting in a week’s worth of hours!
    Do you use calendar reminders? Other alerts or prompts? What’s your best tips for the newly billing associate?

    • Anonymous

      I used to procrastinate entering time for years, and now it’s the first thing I do each day. Pros: your time is always up to date, so when a partner needs to run a bill, your time is accurately represented and you never get yelled at for “missing time”. I have both been yelled at and seen people yelled at for this – for me, it’s only ever been a stray hour here and there, but one time I heard my across the hall neighbor getting yelled at because there was $20,000 that hadn’t been billed for. (2) you have an easier time remembering what you did yesterday vs. like 3 weeks ago. (3) It helps me get my to do list for the current day ready – “oh yesterday I received these documents, today I am going to review them”. “yesterday I made comments to these documents, now I need to discuss with client/client owes me an answer on these items before I can send over to the other side.”

      I also like having my inbox only have emails that I need to do something with in them. Everything else is in a subfolder. So, each morning when I enter my time, I look at my emails to remember what I did yesterday, and then move all of those emails for that client/,matter to the appropriate subfolder.

      Finally, I create entries throughout the day and add notes to them. The next morning, I write the entries out in full sentences and release the time. But this helps capture things that aren’t in emails “discussed status of transaction internally with Partner”/”had phone call with X about item 123”

      And never “cut down” your hours. If you spent way to long on an assignment, you will be told. But bill your time accurately and never say “That should have only taken me 2 hours.”

    • anonymous

      You just have to disabuse yourself of the magical thinking that you’ll remember it tomorrow. It will be just as unpleasant/tedious/time consuming/boring for you to do it tomorrow (unless you are truly, truly slammed/exhausted), and you’ll have the added burden of worrying about forgetting! You really just have to find a way to force yourself to get it down as it happens. I hated dealing with my time as a young associate (and still kinda do-7 years in now) so I didn’t develop the best habits quickly. Once you start to see the negative effects happening frequently (wasting time struggling to remember/recreate, making worse descriptions because it’s not fresh in your mind, or just losing time all together) you will likely be more inspired to do it right. I try to frame having beautifully written and complete time records as a gift to future self. If I’m slammed during the day I’ll write down the time but maybe not make the description fully complete — it breaks my focus too much if I’m jumping back and forth between a million things– but I’ll leave enough info so that I can go back at the end of the day or next day to flesh out the description. Or, I won’t write each individual email down each time I hit send, but go back at the end of an hour or two and make sure it all gets accounted for. You can create shortcuts for yourself to help you move through the day and then go back and make it pretty later on, but the goal is just to write it down so it doesn’t get lost.

    • anon lawyer

      I use a time-tracking software (not the billing software from my firm) to track my work as I do it, clicking a button when I start and stop each task. I type in a short description that will remind me what I was doing but does not disclose client info. I then put it in the following morning. Every other method has failed me, but even when I let the time entering pile up, it’s much less painful with the time being tracked.

    • Explorette

      I have a printed time sheet on my desk at all times, so I can write down the client and what I’m doing. On that I keep a post it note, so I can write start/stop times. Then when I’m done with that client, I add up the time, write it on the time sheet, and move on to the next. I can’t remember what I did this morning, so this is the only system that works for me to not lose time.

      • Full of ideas

        I do this but with Sticky Notes app on my computer. I tried timers and too often they are just running for hours…

    • Anon

      This book sounds not only asinine, but offensive to women. Equating violence and chaos and destruction with the feminine it’s sexist as hell. Enjoyed the roast though.

      • theguvnah

        i actually thought that was the most powerful quote, the one that would get me to read the book, and the exact opposite of sexist. It’s naming the beautiful brutal chaos of the body, the blood and life and guts that women face monthly in a way that men rarely ever do, and succinctly captures how “civilization” has mostly been a tool to placate women (who of course are long thought to actually be more sexual, more dynamic and wild, more “hysterical,” and more chaotic than men and thus have been subjected to all forms of torture to keep us down.

        • Anon

          I don’t know about this book, but a lot of present civilization affirming feminism does feel male identified or at least a bit sell out on a visceral level. Like, come on, is this the best we can do?

    • Anonymous

      I loved the part about the copyright. Loot, but please respect the copyright and don’t steal IP!

  15. Anonyz

    My husband decided that he hated his entire career field and quit his job (with my full support), then immediately got sucked into caring for an elderly parent. Now said parent is locked away in a care facility that we are not allowed in due to Covid, so my husband has plenty of time on his hands.

    Y’all, I don’t understand how we got anything accomplished prior to having a SAH spouse. We are trying to get major home improvements done, and the process of getting multiple companies out for a quote, then getting county permits, then getting the work scheduled (and pushed back multiple times due to weather and other projects running over schedule) has me ready to light myself on fire. If husband wasn’t there to manage all this, I would have already burned 10 days of PTO, waiting for one of our contractors to come out during the two estimated time frames he gave, then fell through on. (Though I can’t blame him; we’ve had flash-flood levels of rains over the past month.)

    We’ve also had two safety recalls on our cars in the past few months, and that was another slew of hoops to jump through. If not for husband at home, I would have needed to rent a car, so yet another bullet dodged.

    Seriously, how do people function? I’m average AF, but I could really use a personal assistant.

    • Anonymous

      I wonder this often. Husband and I both work fairly intense jobs and often comment we could use a housespouse, and we don’t even have kids. I have no idea how people with kids and working parents function.

    • AFT

      My family is two FT working attorneys and two elementary school aged kids, and I truly don’t know how we did it pre-covid. At least one kid had one activity every weekday evening night, and spouse and I were usually out of the house from 8-5:30 most days, and often home for an hour or less before taking kid(s) out again for activities. One minimal silver lining of working from home the last 6 months is that we have recently/consistent with local restrictions began having contractors come by to quote and address home improvements we finally have time to do.
      When things go back to “normal” (if they ever do!) I think we’ll be more careful of how we spend our time for sure.

      • anon

        Hear, hear! I knew we were exhausted and run down in Before Times and felt powerless to change it (and believe me, I tried). Having two parents at home has been a total game changer. I always felt like we were minimalists, activity-wise, before, but now I’m questioning their value at all because the kids don’t seem to miss them.

        • Anonymous

          After school nanny is clutch for this. Have them take the kids to their activities so that when you get home at 5:30pm, kids are done activities. We limit to swimming lessons plus one other activity per kid. With three kids, that’s plenty and they still get a couple afternoons to play in the backyard after school. No lessons on weekday evenings or on weekends is so worth the extra cost. We have a college aged nanny who is happy to work 3-6pm and schedule her classes around that for the most part.

    • Senior Attorney

      It’s ridiculously hard, is the answer. People make do because they have to, but it’s ridiculously hard. And the less money you have, the harder it is.

  16. anon

    I am relying way too much on my phone for background entertainment, particularly in the evenings when my kids are around and semi-occupied but will inevitably need me at some point. It’s hard to get immersed in another activity when I know it’ll get interrupted. But the phone use is becoming a problem for my mental health (too much doomscrolling), and it’s not the example I want to set in our household. Any ideas for how to replace the phone during those times when I’m not doing chores but not really enjoying leisure time, either? The best I can come up with is having a magazine in my lap. Oh, and if you have any brilliant ideas for convincing a spouse that his phone use is outta control, too, I am all ears. #pandemicproblems

    • Anon

      You need to put the phone in another room by the charger and you can only use it standing up in that room.

    • Anonymous

      I use my iphone’s built-in Screen Time controls to limit use on certain apps and on the whole phone during certain times of day (6-8, when kids are home from daycare but awake, and all day Sunday).

    • mascot

      I bought a Kindle paperwhite and am replacing my phone with that for evening scrolling. Reading for pleasure does more for my mental health than playing on my phone. Plus, it’s a good example for my kid to see me definitely reading a book instead playing on my iPad or phone (even if I am reading on those). You can proably find some genre of book that lends itself to frequent interruptions/short bursts of reading.

      • Cb

        Yes, me too! I like collections of short stories or short essays. This am, my three year old and I crashed out on our bed, he played Khan Academy for a bit, I read my book and then we both were in a better mood, and read together. Magazines are also a good shout.
        I’ve put a screen timer on my phone last week and it tells me how often I unlock my phone and how long I use it for. The shame helps, I’ve cut down from an average of an hour and fifteen to half an hour.
        Re husbands, I’ve been trying to lead by example and hope he feels bad. It hasn’t worked yet.

      • Senior Attorney

        YES! I did this at the recommendation of somebody from here and it has been a real game-changer! And funny aside: My husband liked mine so much he bought one, too, and we decided we’d call the Kindles our gifts for our fourth wedding anniversary, which was yesterday. Then it turns out that the “modern traditional” fourth anniversary gift is electronics. So that was fun.

      • anon.

        I am using my phone but the Libby app and borrowing library books. Prevents doom scrolling and I’m actually able to read a book, even ten pages at a time, which I haven’t done during COVID times at all.

    • Anonymous

      We put our phones in a basket in the front porch from 6-8pm to get through dinner and bedtime with the kids. Ringers are left on so ppl can call us for true emergencies.

      Another option is to delete social media type apps and include more relaxing stuff, I’ve recently gotten into Babble for languages and NY Times games section for Tiles and similar. I also almost always have a book of short stories checked out from the library to read when I have a few minutes. If you do something old school like Sherlock Holmes short stories, you can renew whenever because no one else is looking for it.

    • anon8

      I love to read so if I have a good book that is holding my attention, I can read for hours.

    • Anonymous

      I just found the DND settings for my phone, and set it not to ping 10 pm to 6 am except for specific family members. I pulled together a basket of magazines, actual books I never got around to reading and an ancient cross stitch kit and am hoping something in it takes.

    • Coach Laura

      Kindle. At least you can model good reading as a habit for kids. Depending on their ages, tell the kids what you’re reading. History like Dead Wake or Unbroken or Splendid and the Vile. Biographies like RBG. Fiction to make you happy.

      The good thing about the kindle is you can read with one hand, read in the dark and that the book opens to the page where you were so instead of using a bookmark, or putting it down and trying to find where you were, it opens immediately. And I’ve dropped mine many times and it seems ok (with case).

    • Anon

      I play games on my phone and have notifications turned off. The reason I like games is that they’re not depressing or anxiety provoking, and very easy to pause to deal with whatever needs to be dealt with in the moment. So, I’m still using my phone, but in a way that doesn’t stress me out.

      I do this primarily while we watch TV at the end of the day. I can’t just watch TV without getting antsy.

    • DLC

      I’ve started using tracking my Screen Time too. I make it a little game with myself to get my screen time down. On that note, maybe you can have a competition with your husband to see who can have the lowest screeen time?
      I allow Libby and podcast during downtime.
      Sometimes I will knit or craft while the kids are doing their thing. I also keep a list of little tasks so I can check them off my list when I have this kind of time. It’s things like sew a button back on (I have a mending pile), label my spices, delete photos off my phone, etc. I’ve been surprised how many little tasks I can get done. I suck at getting big projects done, though…
      Or can you do something with your kids? Like play games? Or do art together?

    • BlueAlma

      I clean the bathroom (easy to stop and start) or play the piano (also easy to stop and start—-and so rejuvenating).

  17. kk

    This is cute! I’m always looking for zoom tops for work that have a little visual interest up top, and this will do nicely. A plain crewneck blouse or sweater doesnt quite have the same visual effect, so I love the ruffle here.
    In related news, I bought the ted baker collared sweater that was featured here a few fridays ago and it is SO great for WFH! It’s business up top, drapey and comfortable below- perfect with leggings and slippers now and will be fine with pants when we eventually go back in.

    • Ribena

      I really like it too! Does anyone have any leads for similar tops from other brands (which might be available in the uk)?

      • Anon

        I really like the Boden tops that were featured on here. It has a few pleats in the center and a flattering neckline. Professional, comfortable, and machine washable!

  18. Curious paging Sloan

    Sloan, how are you doing with the air in Seattle? It’s so awful today. Hope you’re somewhere safe and not going totally stir crazy.

    • Walnut

      Cosign that the Seattle air is not good. So much for the yard work I was going to do this weekend.

      In all reality though, going to make a donation to the Red Cross today. There are so many evacuated families right now and my heart hurts for each of them. I’m not sure how else I can help?

      • Curious

        I’m double sorry for you losing your weekend plans, Walnut.

        And gallows high five back to the Bay.

  19. Good looking cooking

    Does anyone here have a Thermomix? (A cooking device that chops and stirs and cooks automatically)
    A friend from Europe recommended it and it seems to be a lot more popular over there.
    It looks super useful but is $$$

    • Ribena

      Is that the soup cooking gadget? It does look great. I’d say it’s mostly worth it if you don’t already have any of the other gadgets that make making blended soup easy – a crockpot/instant pot, and a stick/immersion blender.

    • Anon

      Interesting. But there are so many fail points and it seems a bit convoluted? The electronic screen, the on-going support of the company, etc. I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready for this level of “smart cooking” or that it’s better than regular cooking?

    • Anon

      I’m pretty sure Selasi from GBBO has one and uses it on his instagram. I think it’s sponsored content, but you could see it in action, I guess?

    • EM84

      Is your friend Polish, by any chance? I only heard of Thermomix while living there. Those who had it were in love with it. Those who did not own it were jealous :)
      I found that only those people who really cooked often (esp. meat) or baked, got a good ROI on it.
      I myself cook daily, but never considered Thermomix – too expensive and I was not convinced I would use it (I do not cook meat at home, I bake 1-2x year, and I can cut really fast by hand).
      So I would say it is not a gadget that will turn you into a domestic goddess and I would first think if it matches your cooking style (meat, baking, etc). If you are still tempted, can you borrow it for a week or two and see what would be your real usage of it?

  20. Cb

    Can someone help my math? I have 2 student loans in Covid forebearance, one $11,000 and one $6,000, both with 6.5% interest rates. I have $5000 to throw at them. Which one do I pay? Do I pay the biggest? The smallest? Split the difference?

    • Anon

      I would look into refinancing them. 6.5% interest sounds crazy these days. If that’s not an option, then it doesn’t really matter which one you pay.

      • Cb

        Urgh, I would if I could. I’m in the UK though, with American student loans, and I can’t find a lender who will refinance on the basis of foreign income. Made more complicated than (whispers)..I may be a year (or three) behind with my US taxes….

        • Anonymous

          Girl what?!? You need to use this 5k to get caught up on your taxes then! Failure to attend to your tax obligations can be massively problematic. Until you take care of that situation you cannot afford to spend this money on loans. Even if you don’t owe money you still have to file. Use part of this money to hire an accountant if you need to.

          • Cb

            I know, I feel so much shame about it. It doesn’t excuse it but the 2017 expat tax deadline was the same month my dissertation was due in. I was 8.5 months pregnant and I just couldn’t get it together. And then once you miss one, it becomes harder to figure it out. And I have to email this really salty person in HR to get my US spreadsheets and then I’ll have to admit to him that I’m behind. It’s a total adulting fail. I won’t owe anything as I make well under the threshold and have no intention of living in the US again, but I really need to figure this out. Will email a tax accountant now.

          • Anonymous

            You can do it! I totally get the shame cycle thing but you 100% can do this and start putting it in motion today! Cheering you on!

          • PNW

            Cb, twelve years ago I got behind on taxes during divorce/job loss/complete collapse of my ability to cope, so I totally understand the inertia spiral that it causes. When I finally got it together I called the IRS (who are actually always very nice and capable once you get someone on the phone) and was assisted by a lady called Mrs. Williams. I will always remember her, because she had an amazing combination of empathy and I-don’t-take-any-bullshit. I was literally in tears on the phone explaining things and she said “it’s ok, life happens, we all understand that, but now here’s what you’re going to do…” and I somehow felt all I could do was say Yes, ma’am and do what she said. She gave me an end of the month deadline to send something in and I tried to argue, just lame “omg I can’t get it done by then” she said “no, you’re not doing that anymore”. This lady! Better than any therapist.

            Long story short, get your paperwork together and call the IRS. I hope you get Mrs. Williams.

          • Anon

            CB, if you don’t do your taxes, the IRS will do them for you and they will not put in any deductions, just liabilities. If you put it off too long, you will lose the ability to make your deductions and you will be extra screwed, My husband worked for the IRS helping people in just your situation. You can do this!

          • Anonymous

            PNW – How do I get a Mrs. Williams in my life? Not for taxes, but… just life?

          • Anonymous

            Cb – if you need an accountant for expat taxes, we were really happy with Greenback – (similar situation with UK income and US citizenship)- they were more affordable and competent than others we tried.

          • Cb

            Okay, guys! One of my best friend is a US accountant living in France. I messaged her and threw myself on her mercy and she’s like ‘Don’t pay for this, this is super easy, you can do it!’ And she’s going to pester me until I do it.

        • Anon

          You should renounce your US citizenship if you have another one. It makes taxes so much easier and allows for a lot more freedoms.

          • Anonymous

            What.!? This is the worst advice. Don’t do this just to get out of your tax bill. There on amazing freedoms that magically appear without US citizenship. There’s a reason the line to immigrate to the US is a mile long.

    • Anonymous

      Doesn’t really matter. I’d go for the 6k one and target paying it off in full ASAP. But that’s purely psychological.

      • Mathy

        So for a second I read this comment and thought “wait a minute, did I also comment on this as an Anon already?” High five for similar brains.

    • Anonymous

      I would pay the smallest, and then throw whatever you can to make it go away

    • Mathy

      Based strictly on interest, it shouldn’t really matter. You may want to throw it at the $6K to virtually eliminate that one and then cut yourself down to only one payment (the whole debt-snowball thing, maybe).

      • Anonymous

        Yes, this. There is definitely a psychological benefit to eliminating the second payment and there could be a financial one if you are ever in a bind. It doesn’t sound like you are financially insecure at all, but I think it’s still the ideal posture to be in.

  21. Anon

    I’m pretty sure that I have undiagnosed tmj caused by clenching / grinding due to stress. I’m hoping to get a diagnosis/mouth guard the next time I go to the dentist/doctor (can’t wear generic mouth guards for various reasons).Obviously, I’m also trying to reduce stress (…but 2020)

    Does anyone have any recommendations for massages or stretches for tmj?

    • Curious

      My dentist once recommended opening your mouth and giving your jaw muscles a gentle rub in the morning toward the end of your shower once the muscles have absorbed a bit of heat from the water. I ignored the shower part, but I do find that massaging on the inside of my mouth helps ease the pain.

    • Z

      Been dealing with TMJ since I was 15. A dentist should be able to diagnose you and fit you for a night guard, no need for a specialist unless it is causing you a lot of pain.
      In general, I try not to open my mouth so far that my jaw pops. Smaller bites of food, less chewy foods, no gum. Sometimes rubbing the joint helps if it is hurting. Good luck!!

    • Bonnie Kate

      Yes, I have a super random recommendation that 100% worked for me – craniosacral therapy.

      When I was in college, I had TMJ so bad – I had clicking for years, and one time my jaw actually got locked and I couldn’t open my mouth more than an inch. It was a real problem because my main food was sub sandwiches. ;) Anyway I went to an oral surgeon, got a muscle relaxer or something, and at that time he told me there was nothing that could be done to cure TMJ permanently and that mouth guards may be the best bet but he was ambivalent about their effectiveness. At the time my sister was working for an acupuncturist who had craniosacral therapy as part of his practice and she told him about my TMJ. That summer he wanted to have the staff train it, so he asked me to come in and be the patient. It was free so no cost to me – and the therapy is like a super gentle head massage. There was one therapist who was just starting out and wanted experience, so I kept going back to her (again it was all free and relaxing, so why not) and probably had a total of 8-10 sessions – and 10 years later I still don’t have any clicking or TMJ symptoms at all. It 100% cured it.

      So anyway, it’s kinda different but relaxing and if you can find someone, I’d highly recommend craniosacral therapy. It’s probably going to be tricky to find, but chiropractors and acupuncturists would be places to ask.

      • Anon

        My dentist recommends a massage therapist. I haven’t gone yet. It sounded like they’d be all up in my mouth. Craniosacral sounds potentially less unpleasant??

        • Bonnie Kate

          Yep, craniosacral is very pleasant. It’s all on the outside of the head – nothing on the inside of the mouth (eh, I wouldn’t want that either). Honestly when you read about it, it kinda sound a little woo woo but I swear it works very effectively. I really need to re-establish myself with my original therapist (she actually went into business herself doing only craniosacral) so I can go to help with headaches/migraines – I already know that it would really help with that.

    • Anon

      I use the techniques in this video and they’ve been super helpful. For context, my jaw was so stiff during this COVID stay-at-home period that I couldn’t open my mouth enough to get tall bites of food in, and the exercises (plus meditation) have gotten things much more mobile. I even had deep dish pizza the other day.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkGouSB-og

  22. Anon

    I’m sure it’s due to the absolute cluster that is 2020, but I feel like there’s not a much attention paid to 9/11 this year, compared to previous years.

    Not saying this is good or bad, but it’s certainly something I’ve noticed. I’m from, and still live in, PA, used to live in DC and work in homeland security so it just feels a little weird

    • Anon

      Maybe because 192,000 people have died of COVID in the USA this year (so far). I’m taking a moment to remember 9/11 myself, but in terms of raw numbers, the current crises are much more destructive to American life. I’m also in a part of the country that is on fire.

      • anon

        Right, half a million people in oregon evacuated yesterday just south of where I live. The air quality was almost 400 last I checked (50-100 being your typical smog, and 150 being your notoriously polluted cities). 9/11 is undoubtedly tragic but it’s so very distant now compared to everything else that’s going on.

    • Anonymous

      I hear you. Was in downtown DC on 9/11 and can still remember people racing away from what turned out to be the plane hitting the Pentagon. So much smoke even days later.

    • Anonymous

      Are you not paying attention? Certainly the tri state governors acknowledged it, the flags are at half staff, and the tribute in light is on. There’s no particular large observation this year because Covid and also next year is 20 but it’s certainly not ignored at all.

      • Anon

        I’m not in the New York area.

        Of the three newspapers I read online (NYT, WaPo and a local paper) only one has top headlines about 9/11. My area usually does some sort of remembrance but is not doing one this year. Less people are talking about it in the office than in past years, etc.

        I’m very well aware of covid and other major events this year that are drawing the attention (all I’ve done for the last 7 months is covid, civil unrest, or severe weather related work). It’s just odd to me, since I work in a field that was very much impacted by 9/11, how little it has been mentioned in my circles.

    • Anonymous

      As i drive my kids across town in MA today, we passed the fire department. The entire department was gathered observing 9:03 this morning. I stopped and talked to my (very young) kids about the big fire that happened in NYC and all the heroes that died to try and save people and why we remember all the people that died today.

      I was 18 and a senior in high school in a bedroom community of NYC when the towers fell. I had friends whose parents cars had to be removed from the commuter lot because their parents never came home. My best friend was a freshman at NYU and Watched the towers fall from her dorm room. In my current MA town, several residents were aboard flight 175. In this house, we will never forget.

      • Anonymous

        I am from a town in NJ where a lot of firefighters seem to live and just feeling shattered and numb for weeks after.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 I watched the towers fall on the television in my office building while looking into the distance at the rising smoke. We lost many people from my small North Jersey town. My 12 year old son ran downstairs this morning to give me hug at the exact time the first plane hit. In this house, we will never forget.

    • Anon

      I’ve been thinking about this too, comparing that beautiful northeast morning in 2001 to the smoky hellscape of the entire western US I’m living in now. 9/11 was a tragedy and we should mourn those who lost their lives that day, but we really took our eyes off the ball by devoting so much of our focus to a useless war and being paranoid about people from the middle east. Homeland security is about a lot more than just terrorism and should have included a much higher priority on preparing for climate change and pandemics. It actually makes me sick thinking about the time, money, and lives we’ve wasted and it’s hard to separate that from the legacy of 9/11.

      • AnonMPH

        As a native New Yorker who was in high school so close to the towers that I heard the bang of the first plane hitting during first period math and watched people jump out of the towers during second period French, I will literally never forget. But its always been hard for me seeing the jingoistic patriotism associated with remembering 9/11, and especially this year when these same people are saying that 190,000 people don’t matter at all and “it is what it is”.

        • Seventh Sister

          Hard agree. My mom likes to go on and on about being a patriot over 9/11 (thanks for the reminder NOT to call her today lol), when my husband and I were the ones frantically calling friends in NY and DC to figure out if they were OK.

    • Anonymous

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18lsxFcDrjo

      Tom Hanks feature on the 9/11 boatlift. Years later, the boats on the Hudson would come to the rescue of United 1549 en route to Charlotte with one of my friends on it. If you need a lift or some faith that many strangers to us are not just good people but great people, I highly recommend.

  23. Anon

    I have two online dating questions that I’m looking for input on.

    First, when you match with someone and have been messaging with them for a few days but pick up on subtle indications that they aren’t a good match for you, how do you end the conversation? This has come up for me when subtitle things make me no longer interested – like, it’s clear he’s not very active when that’s something I’m looking for, or he talks about himself in a way that makes him seem overly impressed with himself which I find unattractive. Is there a good line to use to indicate that you’re no longer interested? Do you just stop responding?

    Second, what questions do you ask people to really get to know them? In normal times I’d message for maybe a week then if he seems normal, I’d meet him for drink and assess potential then. Since meeting in person is a much bigger step, what can I ask guys to get a better sense of whether we’re a match? Most of my conversations have just fizzled out because it’s hard to really feel interested in someone through messaging so I don’t feel interested enough to make a meeting happen.

    Thanks for any opinions!

    • Anon

      1. I just stop responding. If we haven’t met, I don’t think we owe them an “I don’t think we’re a fit” conversation. Everyone is talking to multiple people, so it’s natural to let some conversations fall on the back burner. People do this to me, too — no hurt feelings. Once we’ve met, I do think it’s nice to at least send a courtesy message. But before that, just stop answering.
      2. If we’re messaging for awhile, I suggest a video call. Meeting in person is definitely a bigger deal than it used to be, so I don’t want to waste it on someone I’m not excited about. You’ll be able to tell in a video call if you have good rapport and if you’d like to see them again.

    • Anon

      1. If you haven’t met, you can just stop messaging or unmatch. If you think this would be well received, you can give a quick “I don’t think we’re a fit” message but only if you want to. I remember doing this once when I was having a great conversation with a guy, but when we started trying to make plans to meet realized our schedules never intersect — I have shared custody of my kid and he has an unusual work schedule, so we’re only free on the same evening once every 2 weeks. I explained and we wished each other well and said goodbye.

      2. No suggestions here because I’ve been off the apps since February!

    • Anonie

      Back when I was dating, I found that being “ghosted” without explanation sometimes stung. I much preferred letting the other person know that I didn’t feel we were a great fit and I appreciated it when others gently told me the same. I think it’s just polite. Granted, exceptions were made for anyone who was rude or crude. I blocked them without explanation. But the nice-enough guys who mentioned that they partied heavily, practiced a different religion, weren’t looking for anything serious, or planned to move in the next few months…I thought they deserved an brief but polite explanation.

  24. Curious

    Other comment in mod…

    Paging Sloan Sabbith.

    I’ve been thinking of you. How are you doing with the smoke in Seattle? Are you in a place with clean air? Are you going stir crazy? Hope you are well.

  25. Anon

    I’m deciding between doing a mortgage refi vs changing the rate on a current mortgage. The refi rate is better (by 0.5), requires paying points and an origination fee (~$15k for al costs including closing costs), and starting over with a new mortgage (at 360 months). Changing the rate costs no fees or closing costs, and we continue on the current amortization schedule (337 months left). I know I should sit down and calculate it out fully before deciding but urgh math – are there any decent calculators out there? Though I guess there’s the point that investing the $15k rather than paying it in closing costs would probably be more profitable.

    • Anonyz

      My credit union rep told me that the general rule is that refinancing for less than a 1.0% rate drop is not worth the time or money, when you account for all the fees and points.

      • Anon

        I’ve been looking for some kind of rule of thumb for this! Interest rates are definitely lower than they were when I bought my house, but I don’t think I could get a full percentage point lower.

        • Anon

          They just dropped again – the low refi rate I was quoted (with .75 points and 1% origination fee) was 2.375 for a 30 year conventional! 15 year is of course lower.

          • Anon

            Hmm, my current interest rate is 3.5% (which seemed so low when I bought my house in 2017!) and I’m not sure my credit would be good enough to get lower than 2.5%. Probably worth looking into though!

  26. Senior Attorney

    Hey I want to give a review of the reptile print The Shirt blouse featured here the other day. It’s GREAT. Has an extra set of buttons in the front placket and does. not. gap. at the bust. Button-front shirts and blouses ALWAYS gap on me so this is a big win. The fabric is nice and substantial, too. So. Highly recommend. (And because I’m extra, I am amusing myself today by wearing the snake print blouse with jeans and my snake-print sneakers.)

    • Anon

      SA I always appreciate your outfit descriptions and your embrace of extra-ness at all times!

      • Senior Attorney

        Heh now I just need the red snake leggings from the weekend thread…

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