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Coffee Break: Daphne Satchel Bag

Zac Zac Posen Daphne Satchel BagSimple colorblocking seems to be in right now (I'm remembering that Row handbag splurge from few weeks ago) — but this one is much more in my price range (kind of), and I like the goldtone hardware and feet. It's $450 at CUSP. Zac Zac Posen Daphne Satchel Bag (L-2)  

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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147 Comments

  1. I’m applying for an exciting job that requests I list my salary requirements. I’m currently making 155k in a large firm. The move would be to a firm in the NYC suburbs with 20ish attorneys. I’m clearly expecting and willing to take a pay cut, but I don’t want to price myself out of the job or cheat myself out of money. A range? A mention that my requirements are flexible depending on the overall compensation package? Ignore it altogether?

    1. I wouldn’t ignore it completely, but do some combination of the others. Ask A Manager blog has talked about this before, so I would check out her blog (use the search box) to see what she’s said on the topic.

    2. If you’re working in a large firm right now, especially if it’s NY Biglaw, then your salary is effectively public. Everyone will know that you make a lot of money, and everyone will understand that you’re willing to take less.

        1. You didn’t mention a cover letter. Your post made me think you were talking about a blank to fill in on an application, and Senior Associate’s advice would be to fill it in.

          1. Fill in what though? My current salary? Because that’s clearly not my requirement. 100k? Because that’s probably too low.

            Sigh. Nothing makes me feel more incompetent at expressing myself clearly than job application stuff. It feels like everyone is speaking a code I’ve never learned.

          2. I’m still not clear what you’re talking about. Cover letter – don’t mention it. Question asking what your current salary is – just write your salary without comment. Question asking what your requested salary is – a range sounds fine. If you’re asking what a lawyer in the burbs makes, I have no idea, so I can’t tell you to fill in 100k or if that is too low.

          3. Typically, firms do not have attorneys complete applications like staff or paralegals do so I assumed this would be in a cover letter. My recommendation is similar to Mpls. I would not ignore the question (makes it look like you can’t follow directions). I would address it in the cover letter by stating something like “my salary needs are flexible and dependent upon the whole compensation package,” and also acknowledge that you realize the market outside of NYC is different. I’m assuming you’ve done your research and have not been able to determine what their range is.

    3. I think that a range is appropriate. I have been in your shoes for a completely different type of work, and I have given a range in making a drastic career change (different fields), and that has gone over well. The purpose of asking for a salary is to make sure that expectations are reasonably reconcilable. If they are not, then it’s not worth your time.

    4. We learned in b-school that providing a range in b-school is completely useless in salary negotiations due to the tendency toward “anchoring.” The other side will necessary focus on the lower end, while you are hoping for the higher end. Therefore, NEGO experts say to just name a price–ranges lead to more headaches and less ideal outcomes, from the perspective of either side.

      1. Sorry for my incoherent post–it’s late…I did a near all-nighter last night. Point stands though–no range!

  2. Has anyone ever ordered from WoolOvers?
    I love a cotton/wool sweater I bought from gap several years ago. (I had 4 at one point!) Fine guage V-neck that was loose and longish but not a tunic. Now they all seem to be thick and chunky or have a weird hi-low hem. They are starting to look a little faded and pilled, so I need replacements. It looks like the Woolover’s unisex V-neck in cotton-cashmere might be a match, but I’ve never ordered or even heard of them before. Any thoughts?

    Any thoughts on their short sleeved scoop neck women’s sweater? I also need to replace some comfortable sweater shells with something warmer than silk/cotton mix.

    1. I’m not familiar with this brand but I would be hesitant to order anything “unisex” – sounds like it would be very boxy.

      1. Unfortunately, my figure is a bit boxy, I appreciated the looseness in the waist of the Gap sweaters- I think they were supposed to be “Boyfriend” fit.

        1. nothing unfortunate about it. bodies are not unfortunate. no sweater advice for you but hope you find one you like!

    2. I bought a nice lightweight V-neck sweater from Uniqlo earlier this winter. The fit is loose but not sloppy.

    3. Yes, I have ordered from them over this Xmas. They are supposed to be very well respected as a company in the UK. I ordered the merino tunic and a v-neck in wool/cashmere mix (I dont’ think it was the cotton/cashmere you are looking at).

      I like them a lot, but I have had a lot of pilling near armpits. This may be because I am big of b o o b and would be likely to have pilling regardless of the quality, fit, etc. of the sweater.

      I will look at the sizes I ordered tonight and post whether they are TTS etc.

  3. I have a question that has nothing to do with clothes, shoes, work, colleagues etc.

    I’m planning to take up some art projects during my free time at home. I’m looking for places where I can find high quality cloth (plain in different colors like pinks and greens without any prints) – I’ve seen some in Crate and Barrel outlet but they are all printed. Do you guys happen to know of places where I can find more variery?

    1. Depends where you are located. Ive had the best luck with going in person to buy fabric. Large chains might have what you need, but for high end stuff I tend to use local shops, Mood in NYC for example. Same goes if you’re more looking for upholstery fabric than clothing fabric.

    5. Purl Soho has beautiful fabric, both printed and non, which is available in their store or online.

  4. TJ: Hubby/money rant if you want to scroll past

    So the Hubs and I have been trying to pay down our debt aggressively — we both came into the marriage with our fair share. I have student loans + credit card debt when my job cut my salary (I know, I know) and he has some pretty hefty credit card debt from being the only person working while he took care of his sick, elderly parents for years who didn’t have much in savings (and not really knowing how to manage money on top of it. Parents with poor financial skills = husband with not so great financial acumen. His parents have since passed away.)

    Anyway, we’ve been working hard to pay all of it down in an effort to move from a debt-filled life to a (close to) debt-free one. I have all of our credit cards rubber banded together in a drawer so we don’t use them (I haven’t cut them up because sometimes online login requires the security code from the card itself). They are never used (or so I thought). Except I opened one of the CC bills last night and saw that one card was over the limit. At first, I thought the bank had lowered the limit on us (something I would not have been surprised about). THEN I find out that Hubs charged stuff last summer when he was feeling short on cash, NEVER told me, and then has been paying it off since (he handles the month-to-month bill pay). So, we went over our credit line on that card (ugh), probably paid a penalty (double ugh), and he never bothered to tell me (fury!!!).

    I was beyond pissed last night. I explained that I expected us to a) be on the same page concerning our debt — and getting out of it, b) be told if he needs help with a bill (we maintain separate accounts but we’ve combined our expenses otherwise), and c) to NEVER have him use a card again without both of us knowing about it. I just don’t know what to do. Hubs is really, really remorseful and upset that he upset me. I just think he can’t control himself with spending.

    If anyone has faced this or has any idea how to better budget (something we’re both working on), I’d love to hear it. I checked out Dave Ramsey’s book from the library. One issue I can’t change is we’re in a HCOL area, can’t move due to Hubs’ job and our salaries are solidly middle class with not much room to improve rapidly (I have a new job with higher pay, but for the moment, our barely six-figure combined income is definitely small potatoes compared to the norm for the area).

    In the meantime, I think this drove home for him that for us to get OUT of debt, we need to continue to make lifestyle changes. We’ve made a ton already in the past year, but I’ve been pushing for more (canceling cable for Netflix, downgrading our cell phones, an even stricter dining out budget).

    1. How much debt do you have? I agree with you that it needs to be the #1 priority right now before anything else.

      I would cut the cards up. Where are you logging in that needs the security code? I only ever use the security code if I’m buying something.

      Check out the Mr. Money Mustache blog also. They are ruthless and tough-love-y over there, but it may help you to see where else you can cut expenses. For example, you can stop dining out entirely; you can find lower-cost cell phones; you can sell your car(s) and get cheaper ones or bikes; you can find lower rent by moving to a smaller place; etc.

      1. For more realistic advice on getting out of debt and gaining financial stability, I highly recommend the book All Your Worth by Elizabeth Warren and her daughter.

      2. About $46,000 in CC debt between the two of us. (He has four cards, one is very high interest. I have one with a reasonable interest rate.) I have about $60,000 in student loans left that I’ve been paying regularly for the last 8 years (low interest, consolidated).

        I tried logging in to the BOfA site last night and for it to send me a new password (because I forgot it), it needed the card security code.

        Our cars are thankfully paid for, get decent gas mileage, and are in good repair. We own our house, but I’d like to sell (since I’m not thrilled with it and it just eats money) and just rent (since it would be cheaper for us in the short term). Any house I like in our area is too expensive and the ones we could theoretically afford would need major work that neither of us can do. (Just admitting my limits.)

        1. Honestly with this much cc debt- the fact that you have a “dining out” budget and cable is a little mind blowing. That said I agree with the posters that you have 2 problems – a financial one and a honesty one. I think you should both have access to each other’s online banking statements and seriously consider big lifestyle changes

          1. Eh. If they make 6 figures they can probably pay down that much debt pretty fast and still eat out on occasion.

          2. Not to mention, for many people, being really restrictive can lead to more severe indulgences. Sure, it’s useful to think about whether you want to use that $100 to eat out or to save yourself an extra $18 in interest by putting it towards CC debt, but cutting everything to the bones isn’t always the best decision.

          3. Really? It is half of their income. So much more than half of their take home pay. I buy Ginjury’s argument that you need to have a little room in there for indulgences but they are living a full salary above their means- and one is still completely maxed out which means its not really going down fast.

          4. Just to clarify, we only use (in theory) cash / debit cards for purchases now. The cards are retired, except for one that’s used for online purchases.

            We’ve scaled back Christmas since the first one when we were together and he had just lost his parents (and will continue to scale back). “Dining out” means getting a pizza or going to Friendly’s or the like. We do see movies in the theater, but we’re working on not doing that as often. It’s been a lot of adjustment on both sides — I lived very frugally to put extra dollars into my CC debt, while he was trying to juggle a household in a very old house, bills and such for two ailing parents, support a brother with an illness and work full time. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but that’s a lot to do when you’re the average 25 year old (I barely kept myself together at that age).

          5. Seriously cancel cable. I totally get a dining out budget but spending money on cable when you have $46K in credit card debt seems ridiculous.

          6. @Cathy and Anon at 8:13 pm – OP noted she canceled cable. Also, most people need some sort of dining out budget. It’s hard to make ALL your meals every day of every month, especially when you have a tough work schedule.

        3. Cut up the cards and just write down the card security codes somewhere where only you can access.

        4. Perhaps you have already considered and decided against this, but if you own your home why have you not taken out an equity line of credit to pay off the high interest credit card debt? Even with less than perfect credit, I can’t imagine the rate surpassing whatever the CC company is charging.

          1. No, no, no! Don’t do that! Exchanging unsecured debt for secured debt is quite dangerous. Many, many people have done t his and run the credit cards back up so that now you have the credit card debt, the home equity debt, and no home equity left. Don’t do it. Pay off the CC’s the hard way and don’t touch your home equity

    2. What was he charging? Was it stuff you need that you hadn’t budgeted for (in which case, yes, work with the budget) or stuff he wanted? If it’s stuff that isn’t a need and isn’t in the budget, the issue is really his comfort level with lying to you. I think you need to start having a financial meeting once a week and using a budget tracking tool so that you both know exactly how much money is coming in and going out every month. And you need to refocus on TeamMarried- if he screws up, you both fix it, and you both figure it out.

      1. They could have already been meeting weekly, and it wouldn’t have mattered if he was making secret payments (for any reason). Time set aside for talking doesn’t help when someone is not being honest.

    3. It sounds like everything was on the right track except for his keeping secrets from you- and that’s huge. It also sounds like he had no plan to ever tell you about it until he was caught. I think finances will be manageable but you need to work really hard on mutual honesty. Couples counseling might make sense.

    4. If he’s remorseful, I would accept his apology but suggest that maybe you could change up your system a little. What if you took over paying the credit card bills? If you’re paying the bills, you’d see any charges that came in. That should be enough to keep him from trying to sneak something by you.

      To be fair, you say that he can’t control his spending, but it sounds like you had some consumer debt, too. If this is just a one-time thing, I’d shy away from making a few purchases several months ago into evidence that he’s out of control. After all, this hasn’t happened again since, right? And it’s been 6+ months. Unless there’s more that you haven’t included, I think now you’ve blown your top and he knows he screwed up and is sorry, it’s time to move on.

      1. I did accept his apology, and typing this up (and reading everyone’s great responses) is convincing me we need a change in the system because it’s not working. Honestly, I don’t think he was really trying to “sneak” anything past me, but he was short on cash (because he doesn’t get paid in the summer), charged a few things, forgot about it, then (his words) forgot he had to cover it later. I think with how upset I got, it’s further beating into his skull that credit cards are not play money! I know this all too well! (My CC had a balance. I worked hard to erase it by myself. Illness + job salary cut + irresponsible spending in my 20s = debt again)

    5. This sounds like a communication/trust problem more than a budget problem. Perhaps both of you should sit down with the all the bills each month, especially since you have combined expenses. I know that he does the actual task of paying bills, but are you looking at them too, looking at the accounts, and giving input on how they get paid? Because he could be feeling the pressure that he is the only one trying to cover all the costs here and manage the accounts.

    6. +1 on TBK’s “unless there’s more that you haven’t included, I think now you’ve blown your top and he knows he screwed up and is sorry, it’s time to move on.”

      It is hard to make positive changes when the only option is Suck it Up and Do. Without. ANY big or small pleasures. Many people rebel under these circumstances! Any chance the two of you can find some good experiences despite of your austerity campaign? Instead of dinner and a movie, take a walk somewhere with interesting architecture or scenery and then go have coffee at Starbucks–or pack drinks and a snack from home and have a picnic in a public park. Instead of Netflix, borrow DVDs at your public library or buy them (one at a time) used. Hard times are easier when you and DH can still have fun together.

    7. If you are still using the cards for online purchases, that’s still using them. Go through the cards, and pick out ONE for everyday purchases like Amazon or vacations and one with good terms to have in reserve if you really needed it. Or one for you and one for him. Then cut up the rest of the cards. The 2 of you need to have a discussion about 1)What is an acceptable use of cards. 2)How much you can spend without telling the other.

      Would you be willing to enter all your accounts in Mint? Then you can both see the bottom line of how much you owe on each card every month – I use it just to make sure that the cards I expect to have 0 balances still do. You can also get an overall “net worth” number from Mint – that may help your husband realize the extent of the debt you are in, or if it includes really high mortgages and student loans might just push him into “that’s so high there’s no point in trying to restrain ourselves”.

      Out of all Dave Ramsey advice, read on Debt Snowball first. Suz Ormand’s “Money Book for the Young Fabulous and Broke” has some good financial education.

      1. I know plenty of us harp about this obsessively, but YNAB is more that $60 better than Mint. It allows you to actually budget money you have and the forums are chock full of great advice.

        I personally hated Mint. It’s very difficult to make it fit my needs, whereas YNAB was created to do so.

        1. Mint didn’t work for me either. I just perused YNAB, and it looks like it’s main goal is to get you out of debt or stop living paycheck to paycheck. My goal is to stop spending so much money not because I don’t have it, but just because it’s crazy to buy yet. another. dress. Is it helpful for that purpose?

          1. It does seem like a lot of the advice is geared towards people with greater financial struggles, but I think the tool itself is useful for any situtation.
            I started using it to get a better idea of/more control over my spending and actively save more. It seems like your reasons are similar to mine. I was neither in debt, nor living paycheck to paycheck when I began using the software. It really has helped me look at the money I have and prioritize where I want it to go and how I want to use it, rather than spend aimlessly. Since using it, I’ve significantly cut down on my beauty/clothing spending and have began making more thoughtful purchases. I think it could be helpful to you in that way.

          2. I think so. I’m in back in school now so back in debt, but we found it useful for many years when we were debt free and had enough money coming in. There’s sort of a YNAB culture/philosophy, and Rule 1 is “give every dollar a job.” If you want to put your money to work buying dresses, go for it; no shame. But the YNAB philosophy is to think carefully about what you actually want and use your money to get *that,* and I think the software is good at keeping me accountable to my actual goals and not my “cute dress, want, buy” impulses.

          3. I second what layered bob said.

            I personally think that YNAB works far better for me than Mint did because it forces me to track it all. I’m personally digging out from under my student loan debt, but you can definitely make categories for whatever you want. Dave Ramsey teaches the same thing about giving every dollar a job. That job can be saving to buy something fun, money to blow on anything, saving for a vacation, etc.

            OP, I second the suggestions to start sitting down regularly to go through all of the accounts. The Dave Ramsey book suggests this too and says you should have a monthly budget meeting where you plan out all your spending for every dollar for the month (or week or whatever works best for you). I really think you both need to try and sit down and talk this through on a regular basis and go over each account each time. That doesn’t need to be as a result of you possibly not trusting him, but its a good practice to make sure you don’t miss things like annual fees for a card, fraudulent activity, things that were set up to auto-renew that charge to that card, etc. Looking at all your statements each month is important for everyone.

      2. I personally love Mint. There are certainly features that I’d like to improve on (Mainly in Goals–stop resetting my thermometer if I modify my payment goal amount! Let me enter different payments for different months, like an increased student loan payment starting two months from now when I know a guaranteed raise takes effect–I’m impatient and want to see NOW how that affects my payoff date!) But it works well for my balance tracking, net worth tracking, and spending tracking. Not to say others’ complaints aren’t valid, but just adding a data point that it does work for some people and IME it is very little effort. If I had to manually enter every expense, I would never keep up with it. And I’m an accountant and love that kind of stuff.

        1. Ditto. I love mint. It shows me a snapshot of where my balances are, how my 401k and Roths are growing, that I spent $400 on food this month so far, and that compared to a few months ago, when I was negative $50k, I am no negative $36k (thank you student loans)

          Great tool for me b/c i haven’t been able to successfully force myself to enter every single cent spent (since hs, i have TRIED), but I charge most things and pay monthly

      3. Contrary to most people here, I love Mint because it allows me to check spending each day throughout my accounts. I can track my net worth, set goals, see how much debt I’m paying off, etc. It takes a bit of time to categorize certain purchases–and it categorizes based on merchant, so you can’t break out your grocery store expenses into food, cleaning supplies, toiletries, etc.–but generally, I think it’s really easy to use.

        1. You actually could manually split those out if you wanted to. I don’t do if for the stuff you mention, but my auto and home insurance are on the same charge and I will split those out. Also, if I fill a prescription at the grocery store pharmacy it’s usually a high enough dollar amount and a separate card swipe that it is worth it and easy to recategorize from Groceries.

      4. I think Mint may be helpful in your situation, because you see all currently updated balances in one place. If there is spending, you’ll see it.

    9. I’m not entirely sure from reading your posts if you’re still using the cards, but I *think* what you’re saying is that you pay all expenses in cash/out of bank account, and only have the physical cards in case you need to log in. If that’s the case, have you considered closing the cards to new charges? Yes, closing cards hurts your credit score, but I can’t imagine the drop from that is anywhere near as bad as going over the limit or having over 100% utilization. The credit card company will keep your online account open for purposes of making payments, checking balance, etc., but you don’t have to worry about having the temptation to charge again.

      1. Yes, we have been only using cash/debit for about two to three years now, with only one CC used for online purchases when necessary (and we have the money to cover it in the bank). I’ve considered closing the cards, but I didn’t know how big of a hit our credit scores would take. I’m sure this is shocking, but we actually have pretty good credit scores (mid to high 700s). Maybe it would be worth looking into so we’re not in danger of this happening again. Thanks for the suggestion! :)

        1. And I meant “I’m sure this is shocking” as in it was shocking to me when we saw our credit scores on a report when we refied our mortgage. Not in a sarcastic way. I really appreciate all of the advice.

        2. If your score is that high, I believe closing a card does not have nearly as much of an impact as it does at the lower score levels. You can estimate the effect of closing a card on free sites like Credit Karma, though I have never found my Credit Karma score to be accurate so I don’t know how useful their score predictor feature is. In any event, it’s something to think about. My parents did it and then transferred the balance to a lower interest card (that they don’t use, but just opened for the lower rate), and they are now almost fully paid off.

        3. don’t close your oldest accounts. the length of your credit history counts for a good chunk. closing newer ones will not impact the average age of your accounts as much.

    10. Practical financial advice: I feel like a shill because this is what I always say, but use You Need A Budget. Put it on your computer, your husband’s computer, both your phones, all your devices. It syncs everything automatically, and you can’t “hide” purchases from each other.

      Emotional financial advice: early in our marriage my husband hid something very important and lied about it for a long time. When it came out, we went to counseling. And I learned that he didn’t tell me because he knew I would flip out and be very disappointed and angry, but the longer he hid it the more scared he became of my eventual reaction. And his fear was justified – I *did* tend to flip out whenever he screwed something up.

      While I certainly had a right to that reaction, I decided I wanted him to feel like he could tell me things more than I wanted to preserve my right to be angry. In the years since, he’s worked on re-earning my trust, and I’ve worked on carefully controlling my reaction when he shares disappointing things with me, not making a big deal out of problems, and adopting a “let’s fix this together” attitude. No, he shouldn’t hide things from you *no matter what,* but consider if your reactions could make it *easier* for him to tell you things in the future.

      1. I can see that — I do get scary when I get angry, whether it’s at him or other people or other situations. I’m going to try to work on how I react to stuff the Hubs does so that he doesn’t hide stuff in the future because that’s not how I want to be.

    11. So sorry, this is just really stressful. Money stuff sucks. I don’t know if it makes you feel better (it probably doesn’t), but at least you’re not the only one dealing with this! Yes, your husband screwed up, but I think most of us have been in that situation where we know we’ve done something impulsive and stupid, and we’re embarassed and panicky about dealing with it, and we have to make the decision to come clean or just to try and secretly fix it. I feel bad for him, because I have been there so. many. times.

      But, that doesn’t make it any easier on you. You were completely right to get upset and enraged with him. And you’re wonderful for accepting his apology and figuring out how to move forward! No couple is perfect. I think the way that you are dealing with it shows that you guys area actually pretty solid. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going to counseling, but if you are already improving your communication, it sounds like things are fine.

      People here have great budget advice, but not everything works in every situation. I personally don’t think you should cut out all fun spending. It just makes life too hard sometimes.

      Anyway, just wanted to send you happy thoughts.

      1. Thanks. I could use some happy thoughts. :) We rarely ever fight or get angry at each other, so it’s all very uncomfortable when it does happen.

        I think we’re pretty good on the communication front for the most part. Obvs, this was a blind spot and I’m taking to heart what Layered Bob said above. I am scary when I get upset because I get very quiet and say nothing. And of course I’ve done really stupid stuff, money stuff included.

    12. You don’t have a money problem, you have a marriage problem. I would really focus not just on the debt, but on counseling.

        1. I’m just now catching up on this and figured I’d respond to this and your other post.

          As you can see, when I posted this, there was less conversation up thread. Second, as someone who has solo been in debt around 30k (not including student loans) if you’re in debt that much, you don’t have a money problem. You have a PROBLEM. Period. I was unhappy in my life and overspent to make myself ‘happy’ and didn’t realize that until later on. If OP had posted, we lost a job and had 46k in debt and now we’re both working how do we get it down, that’s a different story. But you have two adults working, making reasonable amounts of money, and yet they have ended up here. You have to figure out why before you focus on fixing it because if you don’t focus on the why you don’t get out of debt. You just trick yourself into thinking you are and then something happens and BAM, habits reemerge.

          And finally, if he was legit short many months ago that’s fine. But he’s been paying it off in secret for months which means he’s trying to hide his spending. Which is a problem for both your budget and your marriage. If you can’t talk openly about it and find a system that works, then you’re only buying time until the next shoe falls. Sorry, but counseling is just as valid a recommendation as going “OMG cut your cable.”

      2. Dude doesn’t get paid in the summer but still has expenses? That doesn’t sound like a HUGE marriage problem to me.

        1. Charging something significant you can’t immediately pay off without telling your spouse when you’re supposedly working together to pay down credit card debt, yeah, it does sound like a pretty big marriage problem.

        2. I’m honestly surprised by the no big deal comments. 46k is not something that can be paid down quickly. This isn’t going a little over budget. Its going an entire salary over budget. It is a huge marriage problem. Debt like this can destroy marriages. Its important to be tackling it together, and if one person is hiding it (and hiding a big expense, and not realizing the consequences of going over the credit limit) it can lead to big marriage problems. Very important to realize its not just a money problem, so that all sides can be tackled.

          1. But OP isn’t asking for you to tell her that it is a big deal. She obviously knows it is. She got angry, she spoke with her husband about it, and they’re working through it. Her blog post was prefaced by her saying it was a “rant” and you could scroll past if you were uninterested. And then she asked for some budgeting advice.

            The people who are telling her that her marriage has huge problems are not really being very helpful. From what she said, they (1) are tackling it together, (2) they have realized it’s not just a money problem, and (3) they are working hard on paying down debt that they both racked up in their 20s due to some overspending and other extenuating circumstances. If it continues to be a problem, then yes, maybe they need counseling. However, if they manage to get through it themselves by improving their honesty and communication, then it sounds like a pretty good marriage to me.

            Honestly, what help do you provide by telling her that she has a huge marriage problem?

      3. If you are interested in counseling about finances and guided conversations about them, my sister and her fiance and some of our friends have taken a course from Dave Ramsey. Even if you don’t agree with all the points, it makes for a good conversation starter with your husband. The only thing to be aware of is that they tend to have the classes in churches and emphasize tithing as a budget line item, but some of my nonreligious friends substituted “donation to cause you believe in” mentally and were otherwise OK with it.

  5. Looking for some tips on staying motivated once you’ve decided to change jobs…

    I have decided to leave my large law firm before the end of the calendar year. I would love to leave sooner, but between needing the money and the fact that the job that might be the right one for me won’t be available until fall, I’m looking at being here for a while.

    I have more than enough work, with two cases heading to trial this summer, but also need to spend as much time as possible job hunting. In particular, because I am considering leaving law practice, I am trying to schedule lots of informational interviews. In addition, I just don’t have any motivation since I’ve already decided I’m not going to be here much longer.

    How have others stayed motivated under similar circumstances?

    1. Oh yes, this can be really tough. You mentioned that you are considering leaving law, which I think is a really common thought for where you are in the process. But before you close that door, consider using the time you have left at your firm to take advantage of large law firm perks and add to your skill set. Take as much firm-offered CLE as you can or sign up for any offered skills training. Write an article with a partner. Are there any other skills that you could try and develop before you leave or weak spots in your resume that you could try and bulk up. (Pick up a pro bono case to get a shot at negotiating, taking additional depositions, being solo/first author on a brief.) I knew I was leaving my law firm about 8 months before I actually left, and I really wish I had used that time more wisely to do the above.

    1. A little. It makes me think of some alternate universe where Rampage Jackson pairs this with nantucket red pants and a popped collar.

    2. I think it’s stunning. I would love it with a crisp white shirt, any color skirt or pant with a skinny belt. It makes a statement. Unless you’re super short and slight and it would look like you were playing dress up, I say go for it.

        1. Thanks guys! I think I’m going to get it. I’m only 5’4 but hoping I can pull it off.

          PS: I had to google Rampage Jackson — ha, indeed!

  7. I’m currently in the process of negotiating title for a job offer I’ve received today. Clearly, I meet the criteria that this company has laid out for the title I’ve asked for, but I’ve been offered a title that is one grade lower. My question is – what if they come back and reject my offer? This is the first time I’m negotiating for title so I think I’m being a little sensitive. I have a feeling that I may be slightly offended if they reject what I’ve asked for. Am I overreacting? If I still accept the offer, would they think I’m desperate?

    Just an fyi – I’m not changing industries but titles in my current company and the new company are different and don’t match 1-1. After talking to a few people here and there, the feedback I’ve received is that I should aim for the title I’ve asked for (as opposed to the title they’ve offered).

    1. I think you may have less leverage on title than money. I’ve made a number of hires, and I’m doing so at a company that has titles that are different than competitors’ use. I have to balance your title with the ones already on my team – it’s often what looks like a step back. I don’t want unhappy current employees. I’m happier to increase salary a bit, since it isn’t public.

    2. I am not sure if I understand this – did you apply to a job that listed one title but when they gave you the offer it was for a title one level lower? Or you applied generally (rather than a specific job) but they gave you an offer for say Manager, whereas you think you should have been Senior Manager? If the former, then just ask them the rationale behind their decision. If the latter, I’d still start the conversation by asking them something like “I am really interested in this offer but have a few questions. How do you differentiate between Manager and S. Manager – what factors do you take into account: age, education etc?” and then make a case for the title you want: “I think my experience and skills are at the higher end of this spectrum so I am wondering what room there is to change the offer to Senior Manager?” or something like that. It’s a more open ended question than saying I want X title, which makes things awkward if they reject your proposal. Generally in your response, convey your excitement for the role and for the company overall. If they say no to the title you want, ask whether they would be willing to revisit this question in 6/12 months. This way you are never outright saying “I won’t take this role without the title I want “and don’t have to worry about looking desperate.

    3. In case it’s helpful, remind yourself that if you are never disappointed when you negotiate, you may not be aiming high enough! And really do try not to take it personally.

  8. I have a question about wedding gifts, as an attendee- do the vast majority of couples prefer cash? Or does anyone prefer something off the registry?

    I almost always get something off the registry (mostly because it’s easiest to shop online, and order it to be delivered to the couple’s home a few weeks before the wedding). Should I just be giving cash instead? If everyone actually prefer it, then I’ll move to that form of gifting, I suppose.

    1. If I don’t want to spend a lot of $$$ on the gift, I’d get something from the registry. Else I’d do cash.

    2. Cash is nice, but gifts (even boring stuff) are more meaningful I think. I gotten married over 5 years ago but still have most of the things I got for my wedding and they remind me of that day and the person who gave it to me.
      On the other side, I’m much more comfortable buying an item than forking over cash or even gift cards. Obviously the person who made the registry knows how much the items cost but still I don’t like having how much I spend on a gift be that apparent.

    3. I thought I would prefer cash. And it was more “useful.” But now, several years after our wedding, I love that all the things we use every day – the plain Corelle and the towels and the weird little bowl to put our keys in that I thought was so ugly at the time – were given to us by people who love us.

      Before the wedding I was secretly hoping everyone would give cash (though we never said that because in my background/culture it would be vulgar) but now I’m glad most people didn’t. So if you like getting something off the registry, do it.

      I gift off the registry now and include a little note for why I picked that thing, e.g. a cutting board and avocado peeler with a story about “hey remember that time in college when we were on a homemade guacamole kick for weeks? So glad you have someone who will tell you when you have cilantro in your teeth :-)” Maybe they’ll return it for cash, and if so, fine (we returned plenty), but they’ll still have the love I wanted to show. Cash is a wonderful, useful gift if that’s what you want to give, but I don’t see any reason not to send physical gift if you want to.

      1. I also appreciated the physical gifts we got. Some of them were needs and some of them were nice to haves. When we have extra income, we don’t think wow, what I really need here is a serving tray or a cool pitcher, so I doubt we would have bought some of these household items. But, when we entertain, I am grateful to have all of those things ready to go. It’s nice to have something more lasting than $100 that we would end up spending on groceries and bills.

    4. Many stores offer a 10% registry completion discount to the couple after the event date (or to the registrants, whatever their event is–I once did a doggy birthday registry for totally not-pet-related household items to get the discount!). So on the one hand, it might be nice to get more bang for your buck by letting the couple use the cash to buy more stuff at the discounted price. And they can sort of attempt to figure out what each person gave amount-wise and what that amount went toward, tell the giver, and think of them when they use it.

      But on the other hand, to someone who derives great joy out of picking out something from my registry that they think I will really love, that’s still not going to feel the same to them and I would never begrudge them that joy for a 10% discount.

      So if the latter gives you great joy, please do that. If the former sounds like a great setup to you and you appreciate not having to go to the store only to find out they don’t have it or something, give cash. You’re giving a gift, after all.

    5. In the NYC (and surrounding burbs) area my experience has always been shower=gift, wedding=check/cash. I have literally never been to a wedding where anyone gave a physical gift, unless they were from out of town, and I’ve been to a lot of weddings in the last few years.

      1. You probably have without realizing it- most physical gift givers ship directly to the couple ahead of time.

        1. That’s what I was thinking. My mom always told me it was rude to bring a physical gift to the wedding because then the couple or their families would have to figure out what to do with it, how to get it home, keep an eye on it during the reception, etc. So, I always ship.

      2. I’ve been to my share of weddings, majority in NYC and surrounding areas and gave a gift from the registry most of the time. I wasn’t the only one. But I do think this is in some ways cultural/geographic.

      3. Well you should never actual bring a gift to the wedding- but I always give a physical gift for the wedding, I just ship it ahead of time

      4. Ditto, Philadelphia. Even if people do mail physical gifts, you see almost everyone stick an envelope in the decorative envelope box and it usually ends up overflowing.

      1. Me either. But I think it’s really a regional and cultural thing. Giving cash is not the norm at the weddings I’ve attended.

    7. This might depend more on what you personally would like to receive. I personally like to give and receive physical gifts. I like wrapping presents and the whole process of physical gift giving. That’s a little different in the case of a wedding if you order online and ship it, but I still like to take the time and peruse the list and pick the gift that fits the relationship I have with that friend (which isn’t always possible but I like to try). I also like unwrapping presents and do tend to get more excited by a physical gift than cash or a gift card. I think it’s because it will take brainpower to decide what to buy for myself with it.

    8. I thought I would want cash over physical gifts until I actually got married and got both. We really do use most of the gifts we got and it sounds cheesy but it makes me happy to see them/use them in our home. And in many cases, I really do think of the person that gave us the gift when we use it. Also, I found it much easier to write thank you notes for physical things, where I could talk about how we’d used it and enjoyed it, than cash. What are you supposed to write, “thanks for the cash, my bank account is feeling fat and happy”? It just sounds awkward. My favorite wedding gift was off-registry (a gift card to the restaurant where we got engaged) but that’s of course risky and I wouldn’t recommend it unless you know the couple will love it. I normally order off the registry online (before the wedding).

      1. First of all, the thank you note really isn’t that hard:

        “Thank you so much for your generous gift. It will be such a help to us as we start our new life together/buy our first home/adopt our first puppy/whatever.”

        Second of all (and this is intended as a general point, not directed specifically at you, LH), I know I’m probably the minority here, but I absolutely do not remember who gave us what physical gift, and at this point, am not 100% sure which of our “things” were wedding gifts and which are things we acquired ourselves pre- or post-marriage. I just don’t have a good memory for “stuff”, so it doesn’t mean that much to me. So, a counterpoint to the “physical gifts are *oh so meaningful* and cash is not” camp, I guess?

        1. Man, agree 100% with this. Gifts off a registry are not that meaningful. Thanks for this knife, fork and spoon! It’s exactly what I put on my list! Registries are basically a gift grab anyway, so I don’t know why it’s any more tacky for someone to give you the cash equivalent of something you put on your registry. I agree that many people think it’s tacky, so you have to be careful there, but ultimately the logic just doesn’t work for me.

          I do like it when friends go out of their way to get something actually meaningful, or to make something instead of giving cash. It’s not always as useful, but it certainly is more meaningful.

    9. I liked receiving gifts off the registry because at that stage in our lives we would not have splurged on things like nice cookware. I still remember who gave us each item too. The only gifts I did not like were the random items that seemed to be regifts.

      I love love love this bag.

  9. TJ: For those of you that have adult acne that is brought on by hormones, what have you done to control it? For various reasons, I don’t take birth control; it makes me crazy. I’ve tried Paula’s Choice and billions of other products (or so it feels like), tried antibiotics, tried chemical peels…nothing works for long.

    I really want a solution that will will let me occasionally fall into bed without going through a ten minute routine on my face and wake up without a massive cyst that has magically appeared overnight. I’m scared of accutane, but at this point, I may even go that route, though again, being on BC makes me crazy. I’d LOVE something that would make it go away almost permanently.

    1. The solutions are hormonal birth control and Accutane. If you’re not willing to do those anything else is going to be an incomplete remedy, especially if antibiotics haven’t worked. Have you asked a dermatologist for help? They’re in the best position to hook you up with effective treatments, not some company trying to sell you a product line.

      1. Thanks. I guess I knew that in my head, but was hoping there was something else. I did go to a Derm. She gave me clindamycin (sp?), Retin-A, and antibiotics. None of which have done a great job at managing it. :/

        1. I can’t take hormonal BC, and my derm gave me an oral antibiotic and a spironolactone prescription. Has worked wonders.

          2. Sprinolactone and topicals worked for me. Topicals include Atralin (Retin-A) and a topical antibiotic wash I use when I shower. I had cystic acne/male pattern acne on my face/neck/chest/back… Every day, ever since I was 13…. until I was 42.

            Now I have NONE.

            It works much better then OCPs.
            But you can’t get pregnant on Spironolactone.

    2. I did Accutane twice and it sort of worked for a little while, but did not permanently fix anything for me – and not nearly as well as birth control. It’s helped other people, though, so maybe it’s worth a try.

      Only eating low-GI foods will improve acne, if you can commit to it. There are a lot of studies that back it up, if you are into reading about it. I’ve tried it and I can say that my skin did improve, but I’d rather take birth control and enjoy eating cake.

      1. Diet (basically lean meats, lots of veggies and some whole grains/sweet potato/occasional fruit) has really helped my acne and I can tell after a week of indulging (like on vacation or something) my skin freaks out.

    3. Spironolactone is also an option for hormonal acne. I can’t take hormonal BC (makes me crazy too), but Spironolactone has worked wonders for my skin. It took a long time for it to start working though. I’m on a low dose and I up the dose at certain times of the month.

      1. Absolutely this. I have been on spironolactone for cystic acne for years and it has been a lifesaver, 100%. Also helps with the greasies. Worth a derm visit to ask!

        1. Agree with the greasies…. Before spironlactone, I had to wash my hair every day or so greasy/smelly, use the strongest deodorants, couldn’t wear shoes without socks/stockings or too smelly/sweaty, and was hairy in places girls don’t want to be. After sprinolactone, I shave less, pluck less, can wear shoes barefoot, can forget deodorant without a problem and can wash my hair every other day or less. In fact, sometimes my skin/hair is a little on the dry side, after being greasy all my life.

          I am actually a little upset, in retrospect, that my doctors never helped me with my lifelong acne.

    4. not sure if you’ve tried aczone (an rx cream), but it helps significantly and i have not had any side effects at all. it’s not a cure, but it helps!

      1. On the other hand, Aczone possibly horribly broke out my skin–my derm switched me to Aczone and a sulfur wash at the same time, and something caused horrible breakouts. I suspect the Aczone as I’ve never had problems with sulfur acne products before.

    5. I use Differin (a retionoid), which really cleared it up for me. Bonus is that it’s supposed to be great for minimizing fine lines and wrinkles.

      1. I just saw that you have tried Retin-A. Did you use it religiously every night and wait 3 months before giving up? I HATE having to do anything at night; my routine is usually to get in bed and fall asleep without any ritual. I had to force myself to apply the Differin every night, but after 3 months I started to see results.

    6. My hormones blew up my chin in the past year. I had a hideous reaction to benzaclin. What has been working is Dr. Bailey’s 10% glycolic wash in the AM (wash, and leave the foam for 60 seconds), and the glycolic/salicylic acid pads (I have the milder version, but there’s a “nuclear option”, too) in the AM, and then the Calming zinc soap and G/SA pad at night. It’s been three weeks, and my skin looks good right now, but I’m waiting to see what happens in the next few weeks, when I reach the bad part of my cycle.

      I need to find a sunscreen that doesn’t make things worse – Body Shop’s Seaweed mattifying day cream is great, but the SPF lotion version seems to be irritating me.

    7. I’ve had excellent luck with the Murad line — they have a starter kit that’s pretty awesome if you want to try it for 30 days. (I got it from Sephora.) I’ve done better with this than many derm prescriptions. (It’s basically 3 steps, face wash + salicylic acid + moisturizer.)

      You know doing the whole process is better than just falling into bed…but, when you’re so tired that you don’t know what you know you really should, I like the M-61 power glow peel (get it online from blue mercury). It’s like a moist towelette that you just wipe around on your face. Fair warning that it can kind of sting though.

    8. I take spironolactone, aczone, and retin-a. My derm said I can try either/or of those to see what works. I also would never do accutane (too scary) or the pill (prefer other means).

      1. I tried to use OTC solutions for the past 20 years and have been shocked at how much of a difference the prescriptions have made.

    9. This is going to sound crazy, but vitamin B5 cured the hormonal cystic acne of both my cousin and my sister. After trying Accutane and several other meds, my cousin found a couple medical studies online where they had great success using vitamin B5 to treat acne. He started taking large doses of Vitamin B5 and it literally cleared up his terrible cystic acne within 2 weeks. He now has gorgeous skin — this was after years of dealing with horrible acne all over his face, neck, and back. My little sister had similar problems with acne, tried vitamin B5, and now has clear skin. It somehow works to reset the balance in the mechanism of your skin’s oil production. My sister took vitamin B5 for a couple months and then stopped and her skin is still great.

      Start off with 10 grams a day, spread out in 4 doses. After a couple weeks, start decreasing your dosage to 4 grams a day. Vitamin B5 is water soluble, so your body will just excrete any extra vitamin. Both my cousin and sister used Jarrow Formulas Pantothenic Acid (Vitamin B5) off Amazon.

      I assume this isn’t better publicized because it’s so cheap. There’s a lot more money in skincare and prescription drugs.

  10. Caveat: I am also on hormonal BCP because my skin got out of control when I went off of it. But even with BC, I was still getting acne and cysts and had to see a derm, so hopefully what has worked for me might help:

    I started with benzaclin topical gel (at night) and retin-A gel in the mornings. Benzaclin is amazing at zapping anything that pops up (and I assume zapping bacteria before it becomes a spot), but be warned that it will bleach anything it comes in contact with–your towels, pillowcase, pajama shirt if you use it on your chest/back, etc. The retin A fades scars from my old acne and also peels away the tissue layers from when I do get a cyst. Also, I seem to have this all over my body, but I seem to have a lot of dead skin that does not shed itself. That can block pores and cause acne, so the retin-A and regular masking helps clear that stuff away so it’s not stuck on my face with bacteria trapped under it.

    Those two helped get things under control for the most part, but I was still getting painful cysts on my cheeks and chin, so I went on doxycycline and that has done wonders. I haven’t had a cyst in a long time, and if anything just get little whiteheads around my nostrils that go away in a day and leave no mark. I don’t know if that’s the antibiotic you tried without success, though.

    The derm also gave me another prescription that I never filled because the doxycycline worked. I think it was spironolactone but I’m not positive.

      1. Ha, and maybe isn’t useful at all after seeing your follow up comment. But if you just tried clindamycin vs. the benzaclin combo, that may be worth a shot, as well as spironolactone.

        I also agree with the poster above about low glycemic foods. I’ve nearly cut out refined sugar from my diet, and that may have been what’s done it more than the doxy.

  11. I e-filed my federal and state tax returns and both were rejected because my date of birth does not match what the IRS has on file. (I of course checked my return after the fact and I did enter my birth date correctly.) Any idea on how to proceed from here? I was told that the IRS gets its info from the SSA, so I need to contact the SSA to sort this out. Yesterday after being on hold for >2 hours, I was told by someone at the SSA that she could not verify my birthdate over the phone so I need to go to the local SSA office. A call to the local SSA office routes me to the national number. In the mean time should I mail in my tax forms before the birthdate discrepancy is fixed? If anyone has dealt with this, any help would be greatly appreciated!

      1. No I have not had any problems before; however, last year was my first year filing independently and I went through an accountant. This year I decided to use Turbotax because I have (or at least thought I had) a very straightforward tax situation. I’m regretting that decision now.

    2. Go immediately to the local SSA office. NOW. Mine was given to someone else by the SSA and I only discovered this when something small like what you mention happened.

    3. Have you never filed taxes before? I’ve never dealt this with, but I would check if your employer has the wrong birth date for you. So my first call would be to your HR/payroll department. If their files are not correct, see what they can do to correct this situation. Maybe that means issuing a new W-2, maybe it means reporting something to the IRS. If their files are correct, then I would physically go to the SSA office (yes, painful) with documentation (birth certificate, etc.) to correct the mistake ASAP. It looks like you might still have time to correct this and e-file, but the IRS is saying that you should consider sending it in via paper.

      Here is the advice from the IRS’s website:

      Error Reject Code 0522: Primary Date of Birth (SEQ 0010) in the Authentication Record of an online return does not match the data from the IRS Master File.

      Error Reject Code 0523: Spouse Date of Birth (SEQ 0040) in the Authentication Record of an online return does not match data from the IRS Master File.

      Description: The Date of Birth (DOB) of the primary taxpayer (ERC 0522) or spouse (ERC 0523) does not match the IRS Master File. The DOB is required to authenticate the taxpayer’s Self-Select Personal Identification Number (PIN) which acts as the taxpayers’ signature when filing an online return.

      Suggested Solutions: Verify that you have entered the correct DOB for the primary taxpayer or the spouse. If the data entered is incorrect, make the corrections and retransmit the return.

      If the data was entered correctly and the information on the IRS Master File is incorrect, advise the taxpayer to call the Social Security Administration (SSA) at 1-800-772-1213 to have it corrected. If a correction is required, it may take the SSA up to 10 days to notify the IRS after they have updated their files. Afterward, an electronic return can be resubmitted.

      If the return continues to reject, a paper return must be filed.

      1. Your birthdate isn’t on your W-2 (or your W-4 for the matter) – your employer doesn’t file anything with your birthdate on it, just your social security number.

        But otherwise, yes, definitely check with the SSA ASAP. I know my mom’s birthdate got re-entered incorrectly when she changed her name after getting married, although it never affect their tax filing. Although, she may have fixed it prior to e-filing being a big thing.

        I would probably plan on paper filing this year. This is a high volume time of year for the IRS, and it could take a while for SSA changes to filter into their system.

    4. So maybe this is a duh, but did you double check that the date is in the format they specified (as in MMDDYYYY, not MM-DD-YY). Some e-file software is not all that well written, and wouldn’t alert you to having the wrong format.
      Otherwise I would head to the SSA office ASAP. And be aware that (at least in my areas) the hours are not especially convenient ( like 9-12 and 1-3 only, plus closed Wednesday afternoons and some other morning).
      Running a report at annual credit report dot com probably would be a good idea as well. My husband and I do it eery year at tax season, its just a good time for us to check it over while we’re dealing with other financial issues.

  12. Hi ladies! Just wanted to update: a little while back I asked for advice on whether my long-term, long-distance boyfriend should put “relocating to [my city]” on his resume while job hunting rather than his current, cross-country location. Long story short, after he did it, he got a great offer out here and he can start really soon! I know correlation isn’t causation, but I’m pretty thrilled anyway. Thank you all so much!

  13. Just running across blogs looking for a new bag, and I ran across this post. Love the sisterhood and the support from everyone, I just might start following. I wanted to start off on a good note by sharing the bag I ended up buying! I purchased a GRACESHIP Chicago laptop bag and not only is it fashionable and chic but it is also super functional! It has plenty of hidden pockets on the inside while still gives off the designer hand bag appearance on the outside. I would recommend it to any friend or family member, just like I hope you ladies soon become! Definitely a great bag to look into, their website offers videos of each bag so that you get a good scope of it before making any online purchasing decisions, check out the website, it has even been Peta approved!

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