Weekend Open Thread

Tribune Standard Pieced Top with Lace Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Although I’m not a fan of lace for the office, I’ve always loved it for nights on the town, and lace is everywhere this season. A lace dress can be a little too much (at least for normal Saturday nights), but I love the look of this flowy, casual salt and pepper blouse from Tribune Standard.  I’d wear it with jeans or skinny cords, and pair it with a great clutch.  It’s $325 at ShopBop. Tribune Standard Pieced Top with Lace

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Update: Oh! I just realized the Kate Spade Friends & Family sale is starting right now. 30% off all your purchases, online and in the stores, for three days only, with code F12FFUS.

(L-3)

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Comments

  1. Has anyone ever had a wedding registry at JC Penney? Positive or negative experience?

    Or know how good or bad quality their kitchen items are? Anyone have Rachel Ray, Emeril, Paula Deen, Cooks, or other pots and pans from JC Penney?

    I am in full-on wedding planning mode. :)

    • Can’t comment on kitchen items but I just bought a whole new set of towels from JCP and they’re great! I’ve also had great luck with rugs and window treatments.

    • We have the Emerilware stainless cookware. It’s held up pretty well for the past 5 years and I think that the handles/handle angles are comfortable. We run it through the dishwasher, I don’t think it is as thick as regular AllClad, but for the price difference, I haven’t noticed my cooking suffering. Cooking with s/s has a learning curve (temperature/sticking) and I don’t know anyone who’s stainless stays sparkly clean.

      • Merabella :

        “Cooking with s/s has a learning curve (temperature/sticking) and I don’t know anyone who’s stainless stays sparkly clean.”

        This! I had to remind myself that it is different from cooking on other surfaces. We have All-Clad, but I had to give myself some slack for it not looking as pristine as when we bought it. It is being used correctly and we are cleaning it, but I was sad to see that “perfect new cookware” gleam wear off.

        • I’m so relieved to hear that I’m not the only one with less-than-perfect looking All Clad! My mom was just visiting and she gave me so much grief for “ruining” my expensive cookware – but apparently not! Can’t wait to tell her “I told you so!”

        • LadyEnginerd :

          Bar Keeper’s Friend. That is my secret to shiny pans.

          • Magic Erasers work as well. Also, boiling something acidic for a while helps bring back some shine too.

          • Kontraktor :

            Bon Ami is another brand. I use both.

            But I make sure to have a few non stick skillets to avoid cleaning my SS all the time because I find that gets kind of annoying.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        The answer to cleaning stainless steel pots is Barkeeper’s Friend. It’s like $3 a can (the can looks like Comet) and is at Target etc. I clean with soap to get any food residue off, then use barkeeper to get the shine back. It’s also fantastic for cleaning stainless steel sinks.

        http://www.barkeepersfriend.com/

        • Merabella :

          Thank you for this!

        • karenpadi :

          Does it take off the white gunk on the SS pots and pans? My mom and I are so frustrated by those white spots!

          • SF Bay Associate :

            Ma. Gic.

          • Yep. SF Bay beat me to the recommendation but this stuff is amazing. Just let it sit for a while and then be prepared to give it some elbow grease. Doubles as an excellent work out.

          • Are the white spots mineral deposits (hard water)? I find a little white vinegar, followed by washing get those off. I tend to get those when I’m boiling water in my stainless steel saucepans.

          • SFBA, It took me WAY TOO LONG to understand “Ma. Gic.” I’m going home now. TGIF.

          • Godzilla, right? I thought, “oh that’s an SF thing.” ha.

        • Anon Analyst :

          Second this. Bar Keepers Friend is awesome! I use it on one my All Clad skillets and it does a great job.

        • emcsquared :

          Barkeepers Friend also did a workable job at taking the scrape marks off my regular everyday dishes (white stoneware, I think?). It wasn’t perfect, but it was markedly better.

        • Oh my goodness. It’s probably sad that I’m so excited by a cleaning product (but really, who am I kidding, I love cleaning).

    • I have quite a few Rachel Ray non-stick and stainless steel pots and pans. They’ve lasted 5-7 years thus far – no compliants. My stainless isn’t spotless any longer, but I feel that is evidence that the skillet has cooked many delicious meals.

    • Can’t speak for JCP but I’d go for the good stuff – All Clad. I registered at Sears, not for kitchen stuff but for non-kitchen stuff like a tent, some small appliances and other stuff.

    • Turtle Wexler :

      My favorite, favorite stainless-steel cookware is Sur La Table’s house line. It’s awesome. The thing I don’t like about All-Clad is that the handles are oddly shaped and hurt my hands;the SLT stuff is really comfortable. Also, it’s a little cheaper than All-Clad normally, and usually goes on sale around the holidays, too. Having used both, I would say they are pretty much equal in quality.

  2. momentsofabsurdity :

    So I am debating taking a plunge on a gold sequin miniskirt. For work obviously (ha!).

    But really, they seem very on trend and cute this season. My only question is – I have no idea what I would wear with a gold sequin miniskirt. I know there are places I could wear it (holiday parties, bars, etc) but I can’t think of anything I own that would not look strange with it. This is the one I’m looking at:

    http://canvas.landsend.com/pp/womens-sequin-mini-skirt~245621_-1.html

    But, not gonna lie, I do not at all like the way it’s styled. The chestnut booties/chambray shirt look like they’re going to a different event from the skirt.

    Suggestions? Or should I just let this trend pass me by?

    • I think a black turtleneck and tights would look really awesome with a gold sequined skirt. It would let the skirt shine while keeping the overall look classy/chic.

      Alternatively, a jewel toned blouse (raspberry, emerald, etc.) would look really pretty with the gold. You could also go with a simple t-shirt (black, white, bold color) and a black blazer.

      In a way, I’d treat it like leopard print. Since the gold sequins are loud, keep everything else simple, but don’t be afraid of adding color or another “quieter” print.

      • agree with the black turtleneck suggestion. I think it is gorgeous. You should buy it and wear it so we can live vicariously through you.

      • Ohhhhhhhhh! Please buy this so that I can wear it vicariously through you.

        • I’ve hit the limit for my budget this month, but maybe in November or December. Plus, The Limited has lots of sales…

      • I was looking longingly at the Eloquii version! I wish I had somewhere to wear something like that.

    • Merabella :

      I do not like the way it is styled, but I do think it would look cute with a chambray shirt, cozy knit sweater and knee high boots. Kind of like “I’m taking a fabulous break from skiing the slopes to hit the boutique stores” look.

      Also agree with KC to treat it like you would any other print. You can do a lot with it, but you just have to have the gumption to do it. I actually also think it would look cute with a jean jacket, or I dare say leather, but this could easily veer into Jem & the Holograms territory.

    • I like the skirt. I also like the way its styled (almost). I would go with a dark denim shirt, tights and booties. I think wearing it too seriously would ruin the look. If the odd pairing is really not your thing, I think a black turtleneck or simple white tee would also look nice.

    • Hate the styling, LOVE the skirt! What about with a black boyfriend or tuxedo style blazer? Over a scoop neck white tee (or another light, neutral color) would be hot as heck. Definitely keep the other items sedate.

    • TO Lawyer :

      I LOVE SEQUINS. So much that it requires all caps. So YES buy it please. I wish I wasn’t a lawyer sometimes so I could wear sequins more often.

      • Senior Attorney :

        A friend and I sometimes talk about starting a firm together. And if we ever do, the first rule will be Sequin Friday.

    • I bought a gray pailleted (like sequins, but less shiny) mini last year and wore it with- black tight fitting sweater and tights, white fisherman sweater, denim shirt, boots, booties, heels and flats. It’s actually pretty versatile. Get one and have fun.

    • How about with a nice t-shirt + tights + flats (in some favorite color)?

    • I would do black or grey drapey alexander wang style t-shirt, black tights and motor cycle boots

    • I clicked over to look at the styling, and had to bite back saying out loud, “Oh, *hell* no.” Yick.

      I was thinking of a sheer black top over black even before I saw the skirt in question, and I stick by that rec. I’m also intrigued by Mera’s “snow bunny” styling thoughts. Maybe some cozy-looking boots and a faux fur vest? Really kind of silly to write out, but I bet it could be really cute if you can pull it off!

    • Oh man, I like that. I’d wear it with a fitted heather grey sweatshirt (crewneck, beat-up), tights, and some boots with a leather jacket. If I felt like spicing it up, I’d turn the sweatshirt inside-out or wear colored tights that complement my jewelry. I like anon’s idea of an alexander wang style-tee, but I’d encourage wearing as much color as possible. Counterintuitively, I think that tones down the gold more than wearing a lot of black.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I’d consider a white button-front top. Either a crisp white shirt, or something softer like a white or ivory silk or stain shirt style or a tie-front blouse.

    • eastbaybanker :

      I’m loving all these suggestions. I bought a fast fashion gold sequin mini skirt at H&M last winter. I think I wore it to a party or something and that was it. I have trouble wrapping my head around sequins as daytime wear, but I’m going to be brave and try to style it with a gray sweater and some tights.

      For a big meeting, obviously.

  3. **Keep calm and carry on GANGNAM STYLE!**

    Have a good weekend everyone (especially you, Ellen).

    • A friend went to the dentist to get a cavity filled, and before the dentist injected the novocaine, he said, “let’s do this GUMB NUMB style.”

    • The first time I heard that song, I thought he was saying “Open c*ndom style”. I can’t un-hear it.

      • I did too!!! I had heard of this whole “Gangnam Style” thing..but had no idea what it was. Then I was going to my mom’s, driving around Long Island, it came on the radio and I was like….what…the…heck…?

        And no, you cannot unring that bell.

      • Me too – except I thought it was “open condom star” – like some bizarre pop-music-format PSA that you’re a star when you use protection.

        Still hear it that way every time.

    • I’ve now heard it twice in Zumba classes. I think the shark has been jumped, officially.

      • Oct 12 was kill gangnam style day. But I heard it today and I can’t unhear it either

    • my coworkers and i watched that video for potential halloween costume ideas and all they could come up with was “Disgusting!”

      I secretly think they are a bunch of racists.

      How I wish I did not have to participate in the halloween costume contest this year. Saying yes was a huge mistake.

    • Love it, eek!

    • RookieRette :

      I have a HUGE soft spot for that song. Total guilty pleasure. I couldn’t do the dance if my life depended on it though!

      • Alanna of Trebond :

        Watch PSY teach it to Britney Spears on The Ellen Show. You will learn it.

  4. I am not a big fan of lace b/c my ex alway’s wanted me to dress provocativelely for him, and he alway’s liked to stare at me.

    Fooey, I am at the airport here and my flight is delayed again. Doubel Fooey!

    Does anyone in the hive know about some ethices officer in NY State that I can ask question’s of? I had a billeing issue and now I was told there is a person that anser’s question’s anoonomounsly. If I can get an answer, I can tell the manageing partner if he is right or not. It just does NOT seem right to me that I can bill $20,000 plus expense’s when I have done virtueally nothing all week on the job.

    I am going to visit my dad this weekend, and will ask him to. Even tho he is NOT a lawyer, admitted to practise in the NY bar the way I am, he is very smart and intutitive, and should be abel to give me an answer that I can live with.

    Yay! Weekend time and once I get home I will have a great time.

    • I have heard that the bar operates a LINE for all these question’s. There is DEFINETLY an ethics officer that can help you and manageing partner.

    • YES there is an ethices officer hotline you can call – though it’s a strange set up. You’re essentially calling some volunteer bar member either on his cell phone or on his office line, and of course, if you end up calling on his office line, you have to give his secretary your name, etc. before you’re allowed to ask your top secret ethices question. Very un-anoonomouns.

  5. OK, I rarely do a straight-up comment on Kat’s picks here. But this, I love love love. It is an amazing specimen of gorgeosity and is totally my style.

  6. HOW IS IT ONLY 2:15?! It feels like it should be 7:00pm. This day is d r a g g i n g. (Hence the million posts from me today. I’m sorry.)

    • And now it is 2:19. How have only 4 minutes passed? Weekend…so close, yet so far.

    • Here’s it’s only 1:20 and I have nothing on my calendar this afternoon and wish I could just go home.

      • Meg Murry :

        2:34 here and I’m continuously refreshing in the hope of something to distract me until I can leave at a reasonable hour. Quick, anyone else got any juicy secrets? News stories to comment on? Brain teasers? I need to look busy for the rest of the day but my brain is already in weekend mode. Help!

        • Merabella :

          You can try to help me figure out what the heck to wear to my bar wedding – like a wedding at a bar. I’m thinking that sequin skirt above would be fabulous! <— too much?

          • No, it would be perfect!

          • eastbaybanker :

            My friend got married at a bar…actually it was more like a se*y dark lounge. Everyone was drinking fancy cocktails at in the afternoon before the ceremony started. It was in the fall and she wore a custom sheath dress in her absolute best color and sky high heels. She looked truly stunning and was such a memorable bride. I LOVED that wedding!

      • 2:05 and I had a really productive morning. I feel no need to be productive this afternoon too.

    • Gah, I was just about to leave (4pm) when the phone rings. My boss, asking if I will be around for the next 1/2 hour so she can send me a document. Knew I should have left earlier!!!

    • All I’ve managed to do today is answer emails as they come in. USELESS as a result of early wake-up. Apparently that last hour of sleep is totally the most important one…

      • Are you me? Same thing here. I woke up about 1 hour before my alarm, couldn’t get back to sleep, and have been mostly useless all day.

        Nice to know there is a reason for it.

  7. My mom is turning 50 next week and she doesn’t want to make it a big deal but I would like to get her something special. I am thinking about spending around $100. Any ideas? My parents are empty nesters living in an urban area, if that helps. She likes to shop but is picky about clothing so I would want to buy her something she cannot exchange.

    Thanks!!

    • Could you pick jewelry for her? Maybe a nice pendant on a chain or a bracelet? Does she have any hobbies or interests? Do you want to go with an experiential gift, like a spa trip, tickets to some event, a meal, etc.?

    • I went skydiving on my 50th, most fun thing I’ve ever done. It was about $100 for a tandem jump.

    • Anon Analyst :

      Maybe some kind of spa service so she can pamper herself? Or a gift card to a restaurant she would not normally try? That way her and your dad could celebrate together.

    • What about a play on 50 — 50 of her favorite flower, something like that?

      Or a bottle of champagne. Champagne is always good.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Gah! Your mom is younger than I am!!

      Do you live close enough to visit? Would she enjoy something like a mani/pedi outing with you?

      I also like both of Tuesday’s ideas — 50 of something or a bottle of champagne. A piece of jewelry would be great if you know her taste.

  8. Nail polish help, please! I asked earlier this week about accesorizing this dress in red for a wedding–
    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/nicole-miller-open-back-jersey-sheath-dress/3238549?origin=keywordsearch&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=Cobalt&resultback=2974
    (thanks for the ideas). I forgot to ask about nail polish. What do you recommend for an evening, formal event?

    • Hot dress! I’d let the red dress speak for itself and go with a nail polish shade close to your skin tone, maybe with sparkle.

      • Thanks! I think I already own a sparkly, skin tone polish, so bonus points that it doesn’t require a trip to the store.

  9. tryingagain :

    I’m a first year big law lawyer who just started dating a first year surgery resident. Has anyone successfully developed a relationship under these circumstances? We were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend and thus far things have been going great. But I want to manage expectations about what to actually expect. Advice?

    • Well. I am a former surgical intern, and ended up dating and marrying a cardiology fellow. I have never been in big law, nor have I dated anyone in big law, but I think if you guys are a good fit for each other, it could work. I’m assuming he’s a general surgery resident, and there may be a few changes based on whether he’s doing a subspecialty.

      What you can expect:
      1) Brutal fatigue on his part for the next 5 years. It was six months after I completed residency that I felt back to myself. My husband said at some point after residency “its like you are yourself, only more intensely so.” I used to get home from 30 hour shifts and collapse into bed all afternoon, be up for a few hours in the evening and then go back to sleep again by 9 pm.

      2) Unpredictability, even when you think you can predict. There’s the schedule, and then there’s the reality. He can tell you when he’s going to be on call, but he can’t tell you when a patient is going to start coding as he’s walking out the door. If he’s a good doctor, he physically and emotionally won’t be able to say, well, I got a date with my girlfriend. He’ll stand by that patient’s bed and care for him or her til things have quieted down. If that’s another three hours, that’s the way it is.

      2b) Related to this, residency is in many ways indentured servitude. Even when senior residents give you a schedule, they often have no qualms about changing it up on you. Thought you weren’t working this weekend? Sorry, plans change, see you at 6AM for rounds.

      3) Taking work home. It may be paperwork, it may be presentations, it may be studying for exams, but I regularly got up at 4AM to do work before going into work at 530 in the morning.

      4) Insecurity and doubt. I rarely felt “good enough” as a surgery resident. They do this to you on purpose so you never slack and always give your 100% for your patients. But it can be exhausting to always be insecure, for both you and your loved one.

      There’s probably more, and this list seems really really pessimistic. But I’ve also been married to the guy I met on the worst rotation of intern year. We are about to add a second kid to our family. I work 4 days a week, and ADORE my job 100%. If you asked my husband, I think he would say that residency was a tough road for both of us, but we’ve come out the other side strong and happy in our relationship. I seriously thought about quitting residency a million times because of the toll it placed on my family, but I am so so glad I didn’t.

      I would also say that just because there is a lot of external crap that makes having a relationship in residency hard, that doesn’t mean that you deserve to be treated poorly. We texted a lot. If I had a free moment, I would call. My priorities were so clearly focused on my husband. And it worked for us.

      • And for you, OP, your life will be a lot like what EC MD describes, too. Especially 2, 2b, and 4. Less so 1 (some all-nighters, probably, but not the same crazy schedule as a medical resident). I think we’ve talked on this site before about how it’s often hard for friends to understand why you now flake on them all. the. time. So maybe that’s a plus here. You might not be able to reliably see each other, and it might be frustrating if your schedules almost never line up, but if one of you has to cancel at the last minute, the other can shrug, knowing that s/he will probably do the same thing next time.

        • Senior Attorney :

          +1 to this. That is pretty much what you can expect as a BigLaw junior associate!

    • b23 hasn’t been around in a while. She is a lawyer married to doctor (I believe a MD).

    • I dated a surgery resident for a little over a year while I was in biglaw. It did not work for me.

      I always said that we would have been fine had we met earlier and had been living together when we were both working so much…. It was just hard for both of us to end up with free time at the same time.

      It is tough. But if it is meant to be, it is meant to be!

    • Lawyer married to a resident. Intern year was h*ll, especially the months when he had night shift and we basically didn’t see each other for a whole month at a time. Now that we’re past that, the actual residency is much better. Yes, he is tired all the time, but so am I. We work as a couple because we’re both busy, ambitious people who get what the other is going through. It would be hard for either of us to live up to the relationship expectations of someone who worked a 9-5-type job.

    • surgical resident :

      I’m a surgical resident, and I know dating me is tough, for a lot of the reasons mentioned above (I agree with everything EC MD said) . My live-in boyfriend also works insane hours and we manage to make it work by being understanding about unpredictable schedules and really treasuring the few evening we get together.

      My previous boyfriend (before I met my current SO) really needed to feel like he was my first priority, and the reality is that my SO is often going to feel like they come second to my patients. So that’s something you have to be comfortable with.

      It became a lot easier when SO and I moved in together. We still don’t see each other awake for 2 weeks at a time (I leave before he wakes up, and I’m either spending the night in hospital or asleep by the time he gets home) but at least we are sleeping in the same bed! It’s enough for me (right now) but it wouldn’t be enough for a lot of people.

      This conversation is making me very glad that my SO puts up with my fatigue-induced emotional lability, absenteeism from family/work/social events, and that omnipresent pager waking him up all night. I’m a lucky girl:)

    • Judge (now) married to doctor – 16 years of craziness and awesomeness. We are living proof it can work. See how it goes and if you are good together it will totally work out. Good luck and enjoy whatever is coming!

      • tryingagain :

        Phew… I just managed to take a break from work to check Corporette. You are all the best! Thank you for comments.

    • Another law person happily married to a surgeon. I was in big law during his last few years of residency and for about another 2 years when he was an attending. I’m now on another career path — still in law, though, and demanding in different ways.

      It was tough sometimes during residency, especially when I was working on a case that was a constant firedrill and our schedules were just very different with him starting his days early and me working nights and weekends. But if you love each other you’ll make it work. In a way it’s nice to date someone who understands what it’s like to work in a demanding job, but who doesn’t do the exact same thing. I should say that kids weren’t on the agenda for us (they may be now, and with our current work schedules and salaries we’d be able to work things out).

  10. For those in banking/finance/corpdev: I currently work in a midlevel product/product strategy role and have recently been engaged by the corporate development department to start working with them on a more regular basis. The idea would be to use my industry/product knowledge to help evaluate acquisition/partner targets. I’ve done this sort of work (at a very junior level) at prior firms, but this role would require that I am able to digest, criticize, and perhaps build (though I’m fighting that one) financial models to support the acquisition cases.

    My question is this: what’s the best way to learn enough about financial projections/modeling to work intelligently through the financial pieces of the diligence process? I didn’t get an MBA, but DH (who also used to work in banking) did, so he can certainly teach me anything that can be filled with that type of coursework. Part of it is simply learning the vocabulary (above and beyond the basics), part of it is dealing with the bankers , and part of it is really just learning enough to be able to object to the assumptions in the model. I’ve tried to make it clear that they aren’t getting a financial modeling whiz, but I certainly want to be able to hold my own.

    • I’m hoping someone here might have a little more experience than what I can suggest.. And this is all based on the assumption that when you say “modeling/projections” it’s similar enough to what I do. I work in corporate insurance, and alot of my work involves modeling for loss projections. I don’t have a finance background, and I don’t have an insurance background (I have a JD…see this morning’s thread for further discussion!)
      When I had to learn our modeling program, really, the best thing is just experience. There’s no way I could have learned how to use it without just doing it over and over again. One thing I’m struggling wtih is learning how the numbers in different exhibits related to the other exhibits–looking at it as one big picture, rather than separate sheets. Is there someone you can work with who can sit down with you and help you run a few?

      • Eh, it’s not using a modeling program, it’s building out financial models. More like one of two things:
        1. looking at a financial projection model for a company and being able to call “shenanigans!” on it. So if a company we are interested in buying is losing like $1M a year, but wants us to pay $500M for the business and backs up the price with a financial model, it will be my job not to say “The math is wrong! (That’s the bankers)” but to say “Oh, you built this financial projection on the assumption that there will be a decrease in smartphone users over the next 5 years. That is stupid. We believe there will be an increase in smartphone users in the next 5 years, please adjust your financial projections accordingly.” or

        2. Work with the finance guys/gals to come UP with the financial projections for a company we want to buy so that the board will give us money (ie “Board, we want to buy this company even though they are losing $1M a year. But wait! We think they’ll be able to increase our profit over the next 10 years and HERE IS WHY!”)

        • Ah. Well….I’ve got nothing. :)

        • From my long-ago days as an analyst at a boutique investment bank, here are a few ideas:
          First build a back-of-the-envelope model you like, and don’t be afraid to recreate their high level summary in your format until you’re comfortable looking at others’ models. Have them walk you through their assumptions in their words. In your models, first plug in dummy numbers, make sure the model mechanics work, keep all your assumptions in one area of the model so you can see changes, look at existing models to get a sense for the assumptions you’ll want to use. Then start adding and adding to it, always making sure the equations keep working. Never change more than one key thing at a time, so you can correct easily as you go along. Set up your standard formats – I used black font for equations, blue font for assumptions. Some analysts will build crazy complex models, but there are few industries/occasions where you can’t keep it simple (esp since it sounds like your job will be to summarize the business case).

    • Get a copy of “Investment Banking” by Rosenbaum & Perl. This book is a great introduction to the basiscs of financial modeling.

    • Francie Nolan :

      NYU Has a non-credit certificate in Financial Modeling…and on amazon listmainia there is a great list of modeling books, sorry I don’t have the link handy.

      • A course would be great, but I really need a crash-course. Like, a book to read this weekend and all of next week.

        Anon, thanks for the tips. I think it will be fine, and I”m being very clear in my background and experience– the guy I’m replacing had 6 years at an ibank before coming into our company, and he was their go-to model guy. I told them i’d consider the role if they gave me a person from finance for a while to keep me from causing too much trouble. In the meantime, I’m picking the brain of the guy that is moving on. We have very complimentary skills, so it’s too bad that we’re only now starting to work together!

        • Brant,

          While this is no substitute for solid skills in financial modeling, asking good questions can help you bridge some of the gap.

          These are questions you should ask yourself (at the very least):
          1. If you see that for a key number, like revenues, or operating income are projected to stay very flat, ask why.

          2. If you see other numbers, like cost of goods sold, staying flat, ask what they’re assuming. Why are the raw materials costs not going up? The person who made that model (or his boss) should be able to give you a good reason why. Use your knowledge of the outside world– like, look to see where crude oil and refined products prices are headed. If some company is really dependent on moving their stuff by a huge fleet of trucks and they’re expanding operations, and the cost to fill the trucks up (gasoline or diesel) is going up, then there should be some increase in this expense, and if not, you need to know why. Common sense and awareness about, well, what’s going on in the rest of the world, can make up for your relative inexperience with financial modeling.

          3. If growth is projected to be pretty steep– ask why. What are the assumptions? What are the scenarios? Usually, these models are complex partly because there are many scenarios being modeled that can be switched on or off. Ask yourself (and the person who prepared the model), whether these scenarios make sense? Are they softballing the “worst-case” scenario? (e.g. they predict that the sales and marketing push into Albania will fail, but that’s not the real worst-case scenario– it’s that the sales and marketing push will fail in Albania, Greece, Turkey, and Ukraine!), etc.

          Finally, you can learn a lot by just asking them to walk through all their assumptions.

          • This is good advice for anyone that has to work with numbers. Always question the data!

    • Best crash course may be to ask a friendly banker to send someone in to walk you through their last relevant model and you feel free to ask all the starter questions you want. Some companies are more sensitive about revealing too much to their bankers, so know your office, but I’ve encountered and obliged on many similar requests. If it helps, you can couch the request as ‘Brant needs to get up to speed on the history of deals you have helped us with, please send someone.’

  11. Anon for this :

    Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just commiseration. Have any of you ever felt jealous of your SO’s successes? I’m a fourth year biglaw lawyer and I’m absolutely miserable. I’ve been actively looking for a new job but haven’t had any success yet. My husband is not a lawyer, and his career has really taken off in the past few years. I usually always his biggest fan and cheerleader — I brag about him to friends etc. he works hard and deserves his success.

    But, I’ve had one of my worst weeks ever in my career. I’m dealing with a million deadlines and completely unreasonable clients. I’ve barely slept, I’m exhausted, etc. etc. I just got a call that we got a bad result for another client, and tying to steel myself up to give them the bad news, when my husband let me know that he just found out he is getting an amazing new promotion plus a raise. I am happy for him but I’m sitting in my office crying because I’m so frustrated. I can’t even get a call back from my dream jobs, o feel trapped and miserable here, and I guess it’s just frustrating to see him get this great position without even interviewing. Of course every time I think that, I feel awful for even having the thought cross my mind because of course I’m happy for him and want him to succeed. Any commiseration or tips to get out of my funk?

    • Anon Analyst :

      Sorry to hear about your rough week. That sucks. Do you feel jealous all the time or just now b/c of things being crazy at work? If it’s just a recent development, then I can understand that the stress of work can make you feel jealous. I can imagine it can be so frustrating to work your a$$ off and feel like you’re not getting results.

      Have you talked to him about your frustrations? I think he should be your biggest fan and cheerleader too, especially when you’re going through a rough time at work.

      Maybe once this week is over and you have some time to catch up on sleep, that will help you to look at things with a different perspective?

    • Can’t commiseration, but I am your DH. DH has been working his butt off and is far more talented than I am…but I have a couple really good connections that keep bringing me into awesome roles with a really nice work/life balance and are fairly high profile. I make about the same as he does, but work half as hard and definitely only 60-70% as long. I know he resents it, and I can’t blame him. I know how lucky I am, and I’m milking it for all it’s worth. I’ve been very sensitive about it, and I”ve tried to carve out more time for us to spend together (ie long weekends/weekend trips) so we can just get away from BOTH our jobs.

      • I am your husband in this scenario. My BF and I both work in the same industry (which is how we met) and are in relatively similar places in our careers. His parents are both totally fancypants (and incredibly wealthy) people in this same industry and in the same major city that we work in. I am new to this city have none of these types of connections.

        I really try hard not to let it get to me and my BF is in no way someone who skates by in life but I can get pretty jealous of how well connected he is to fancy people and what jobs he’s been up for because of his parents’ connections. (Not to say for a single minute that he isn’t amazing and doesn’t work hard every day.)

        Any advice on how to handle this?

        • That was my post above. Not sure how to advise you- the connections I mentioned are all professional and not through family. My boss from the first job I got out of grad school is now an industry bigwig and apparently my #1 fan, so she has connected me to some great professional opportunities. And one I got totally by chance.

          I don’t know how log you and SO have been together, but could you work his family’s connection, too?

    • Also Anon For This :

      I’m not sure if I have any tips, but I can commiserate. My long-term SO is in the same industry as I am and he’s kicking butt & taking names at his current job, and loving every minute of it. I’m in a new job that I’m struggling with, and I’m not that fulfilled or happy with it at the moment. Sometimes I do feel the tiniest twinges of envy/failure when he mentions another great day at the office or that he’s on the shortlist for another promotion. However, our situation is a little different (he’s 6 years older and has an advanced degree), so it’s not an apples to apples to comparison, but it still be rough to be the one still trying to find their footing while your partner is absolutely killing it professionally.

      However, I am also so incredibly proud of BF – he works harder than anyone else I know and is so deserving of his success. He’s the greatest guy, both in the office & out. I also know that he wouldn’t have chosen me as a partner if I wasn’t as smart, motivated, or successful as I am, and he’s a great cheerleader/motivator when I talk to him about my current unhappiness. I just try to remind myself that it’s not a race, that nobody is comparing him to me but me, and that his success has no bearing what I have or haven’t accomplished.

    • LadyEnginerd :

      Me, but it centers around money, not time. He makes double what I make, but I’m working at a university (making half of what I’m worth). He’s getting tons of exposure, works in a supportive environment, and is valued as human capital. I’m being chewed up and spit out in a contract role (postdoc) I took in the hopes of securing a permanent job near him. I am underpaid and disposable. When he’s “putting out fires” at work, it means he stays an hour or two late. When I’m putting out fires, it’s actually grabbing a fire extinguisher and praying (true story).

      No advice. I hate it. I hate resenting him because it just seems so unfair that sometimes I have to work until midnight (arriving at 8-9 am) but can’t afford the parking pass at the university that would let me drive home instead of bike at that hour. I envy meal allowances and company paid taxis home. And then I want to cry when on top of my job, he expects me to do the lion’s share of wedding planning because he’s busy in a part-time MBA at night – which would be fair, but is tough because I can barely keep on top of the chores I have to do because I can’t afford to outsource (or even an apartment with a dishwasher) I think he’s wonderful and he is my biggest cheerleader, but I can’t help but think that it is horribly unfair.

      • LadyEnginerd :

        Oh, just to add- we’re long distance, so we’re in a weird in between on merging our money. We both consider it “our” money, but it’s hard for me to not see the savings he’s putting away for the both of us adding up in the bank. That used to be a point of pride for me, but I’m locked into a high cost of living area and the high costs of the long-distance relationship and barely getting by on my salary. It used to be that the sacrifices I’d make financially would be worth it because I’d see my pile of money growing (clearly I’m a budding miser), but now it’s really hard to feel stressed out about money when I know I could be making much more if I went into the private sector, and when my fiance makes so much more too.

    • Anastasia :

      Not much advice, but commiseration. I have a good job in a very up-and-coming career field that I feel really “meh” about, and seems kind of like a black hole/dead end for me because I just don’t care that much. I slog away for X hours a day and it just feels so pointless, but I can’t seem to find a way to escape. Meanwhile, DH just has opportunities lining up in front of him as far as the eye can see. Recognition and mentoring from the top levels of his organization, massive promotion potential, business travel to places I’ve always wanted to visit, and on and on. Oh, and he gets twice as much time off as I do (although I make about 20% more… but I’d much rather have the time off!).

      The funny thing is, he thinks my job is awesome and would LOVE to break into my field (honestly, he would probably be better at my job than I am; his personality is much better-suited for it, and his knowledge of the subject matter in some ways is much deeper). So maybe try to keep in mind that even though you feel in a funk, your husband probably still thinks you’re great. And he probably cares that you are having a cr@ppy week and will want to make you feel better, so tell him! If nothing else, it always helps me to get that kind of stuff off my chest.

      • Anon for this - OP :

        Thanks everyone. This is exactly it — you’re not married to my husband too, are you? :) I feel like I’m slogging away for nothing, while he has amazing opportunities lining up, support from very high level mentors, amazing travel AND he gets to be home in time to walk the dog, be on sports teams, and get drinks with friends (although I make more, I’d rather have the time). He’s not jealous of my field, though. He spent a few years wishing he had gone to law school, but after seeing me and my friends, is very glad he didnt.

        I’m going back to working on how I can fix my own situation, and focusing on how great this is for him (and, by extension, both of us). I’m just glad to hear I’m not the only one who has these thoughts creep in from time to time.

        • Anastasia :

          Yes, I think we might be married to the same person. :) In addition to the work stuff, I am also jealous of my husbands sports teams and how much time he gets to spend with his friends… and really, the fact that he HAS a bunch of friends because of his sports teams. *hugs* to you, Anon, we are twins!

          I hope you find your light at the end of the tunnel. Mine is a career change. It is a few years away, but I am taking baby steps toward it, and it gives me something to daydream about when I’m having a bad day at work instead of letting jealousy get the best of me.

    • This sucks. When this happens I try to think of it as a “team” win. Sometimes you are the one leading the team forward and sometimes he is, what’s important is that your team keeps moving in a positive direction.

      Also, try to take some time to focus on doing something that you really enjoy that is just “yours.” I think its important to have things that you feel good about that are yours alone.

      • Anon for this - OP :

        Thanks for this too. I think I really needed to hear the part about taking some time to do something for myself as well. I haven’t prioritized that in a while, and I think that isn’t helping anything.

        And I’m completely with you on the “team” concept. I hadn’t thought about it in a long time, but we actually came up with a dorky “team name” years ago when we were both poor students trying to figure out things that affected both of us (where to live, how to plan the wedding etc.). Team dorky name is just celebrating another team success — it’s a really helpful way to look at things.

        • We have a dorky team name too! Also came about when we were poor students! 11 years and counting.

          • eastbaybanker :

            Aw. My SO and I have a dorky team name too. Thank you for reminding me of that. We’re going through a really really really rough period. I think this is the first time I’ve felt sentimental about the relationship or SO in weeks.

    • My heart just goes out to everyone on this thread. People often talk about the difficulties of juggling housework/child care with a two career couple, but I don’t think people talk as much about the jealousy. It is just so hard. Mr. TBK and I deal with this, too. We’re both lawyers and went to similarly ranked schools, but I got a full ride and he didn’t, and I had BigLaw job and he didn’t. He’s decided not to practice anymore and now has a job that I’d actually love to have but I’m the one making the money to support him getting into the field he’s getting into and I hate the job I have now. When he complains about work, I want to yell “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!” at him because I’d be thrilled to do what he does all day instead of what I do. So we’ve each been on both sides. I think what works for us is just being really honest about it. It’s hard to say “I’m jealous of your success” to someone you love, and whom you’re really proud of, but you can definitely be happy and jealous at the same time. It helps us to be up front about it and say “I’m really proud of you, but I also feel a little bit bad about myself because I’d like what you have.” It’s also helped us to take an active role in promoting each other’s careers because then if either one of us have a success, the other one can feel like s/he had a hand in it.

    • Coming very late to this, but I’m glad to hear this is fairly common in relationships. Sort of due to the accident of where our parents live, I went to a highly ranked state law school and the boyfriend went to a low ranked state law school. Everything about our careers has flowed from those two “accidents.” I went on to awesome clerkships, biglaw, and a great government job. He graduated with no job, did an LLM to try to increase his marketability, and got a job at a small, not-well-managed firm where he has been frustrated ever since. He can’t get a job anywhere else because of the crappy law school–it is a buyer’s market right now, and if all you want to buy is Harvard/Yale you can hold out for Harvard/Yale (i see this in the hiring at my gov’t job–I’m not sure I would have gotten my job if I was applying now, despite my “good” credentials).

      He works much, much harder than me and makes slightly less. He cares a lot more and yet I have the better job. It sucks and I feel guilty about often. But there’s nothing either of us can do about it.

  12. Anon Analyst :

    I’ve hit a dead end with family and friends with regarding finding a home for the stray kitten, so now I’m going to post to Craigslist. I’ve been putting that off b/c I feel like the screening process (if I even get responses) would be overwhelming. However, there are a lot of resources online with information about what to of a potential adopter.

    I will be charging an adoption fee, but is it overkill to request the person to fill out an application and/or adoption contract? If the person has pets, one site suggested contacting their vet as a reference. Or if they don’t have any pets, asking for another type of reference.

    If I do get responses from the Craigslist post, this is what I was thinking the process should be:

    1. Talk on the phone and ask basic questions. This would be the first part to get a feel for what the person is like.

    2. Meet with them in person so they can see the cat. This would either be at my place or theirs.

    3. Finally, if all goes well deliver the cat to their place.

    I really want to make sure this kitty goes to a good, safe home, but at the same time I don’t want to scare away potential adopters if my requirements seem to strict.

    I know if I was adopting a pet through a stranger I’d be happy to provide references, etc b/c I don’t have anything to hide and I’d want to show I’m a trustworthy pet owner. Just wondering what others thought about what is reasonable for the screening process. Thanks!

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      If you don’t need them money, I would allow them to make a donation to a local animal rescue society or use the money for vet care (in this case, you would meet them at the vet after shots, etc are done and they’d pay the bill). If you do need the money, I would still charge a reasonable amount (ie, not $400 for a cat, or whatever).

      I think you want to avoid “flippers,” people who buy/take animals from Craigslist and resell them for a profit. You also (obviously) want to avoid people who won’t take care of the animal. You can ask them some questions that might point to this like, “Have you ever had another pet? What happened to them?” that way you can cross off the bat people who are like, “Oh yeah, Sparky had 9 litters and then she died because we couldn’t afford vet care.”

      Another option is to contact a rescue or shelter in your area and ask if they will put up a courtesy listing for you on Petfinder. I feel like you might get some more legitimate applicants through that as well.

      • Anon Analyst :

        That is a great idea about asking them to donate to a shelter! He’s already got his shots and is neutered. We went to a low cost clinic, but I’m not going to ask for reimbursement for those costs. I was thinking of charging $25 to $30 for the adoption fee instead of saying “free to a good home”.

        He’s listed on Petfinder through one local rescue organization, but no responses yet.

      • Ugh, the idea that anyone would “flip” an animal as if it were a fixer-upper house is so sad.

    • I’ve heard that charging a small fee can weed out potentially bad adopters.

      I think it would be reasonable to ask:
      – Vet reference (either the vet that they use or have used in the past, or the vet that they plan to use if no prior pets)
      – What other pets do they have or have they had in the past, what happened to the ones they no longer have, and were all their pets spayed and UTD on shots
      – What is their plan for the cat when they travel
      – Does their housing situation allow cats (if you want to verify, ask to see their lease or call their landlord, if they rent)

      Do you want the person to agree to give the cat back to you if they cannot or will not care for it any more?

      • Anon Analyst :

        Yes, I would want the cat back if they are not able to care for it. That was one of the items covered in a sample adoption contract that I saw online.

        I plan on having a list of questions typed out so I can make sure I don’t miss anything while talking to them on the phone.

    • You’re right, there is definitely a balance to strike. If you were adopting a pet from a stranger, wouldn’t you be a little creeped out if they required a home visit (I would). I think one way to do this is to require that they have a vet reference. Then if you want to charge, you can just require that they pay for the cat’s care (whatever it may need) up front at the vet. It will rule out any potential 1st time cat adopters, which is sort of a shame, but I’d start there. If you don’t get any takers, cast the net a little wider.

      Or, perhaps you can work through a local shelter–meaning continue to house the cat but have the shelter do the screening process.

      You’ll probably get a deluge of emails from CL but you can screen them pretty quickly.

      • Anon Analyst :

        My sister-in-law said the same thing about being creeped out by the home visit. I would definitely want to deliver cat to the home instead of them picking it up – mainly just to make sure there are no red flags that make it seem like they would not be good owners. A lot of advice I’ve read online says to go with your instinct with screening people.

        I guess for me, I would want to meet with them in person at least once before handing over the cat. I wouldn’t want to just deliver the cat with just a phone call.

        So far I’ve only contacted rescue organizations, but I’ll check with shelters too see if they can “promote” him.

    • I don’t mean to be paranoid, but please be careful inviting people to your home or going to theirs. I don’t know if you have a significant other or roommate, or whatever, and I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but please just be safe and make sure someone is with you! You are doing such a great thing in making sure this kitty gets a good home.

      • Anon Analyst :

        Thanks! I’m married, so my husband would definitely be there. The kitty is currently with my sister-in-law (separated from their dog) but it’s possible I may meet with a potential adopter at her house, which means she and her husband would also be there.

        My husband has sold some music equipment on Craigslist and we’ve had people come to the house to check those out. I like to think people are mostly good, but it’s always good to err on the side of safety.

    • karenpadi :

      I adopted my girl-cat for free from Craigslist. I wanted a cat and with so many free cats, I wouldn’t have considered paying for any cat. Honestly, I wouldn’t have signed an adoption contract either.

      I wrote a nice long email about why I was looking for a cat. I did have a good talk on the phone with her owner that was more of a give and take. Then I went to where the cat was and picked her up. I email the former owner every so often with an update and pictures (but really, what changes with cats?).

      I was on Craigslist because I wanted to adopt from someone who wouldn’t demand to talk to my landlord. Around here, landlords allow pets but charge a $50/month “pet rent” on top of already outrageous rents. So shelters were out.

      • Anon Analyst :

        Would you like to adopt another cat? :-) Seriously though, thanks for sharing your experience. I’m not settled on the adoption contract, but I may still list the fee in the ad. If I don’t get responses, maybe I’ll remove it.

        I think it’s awesome that you email with pictures and updates. That is something I would appreciate as the person who has given up the cat.

        • karenpadi :

          Sorry, I’m still apologizing to my girl-cat for adopting a boy-cat last year. WW3 ended in my house about 6 months ago but we still have occasional skirmishes.

          My cats are both “seniors” and pretty “get off my lawn”. Throwing a kitten into the ring just might start the Apocalypse.

          • Anon Analyst :

            I hear ya! That’s why it’s hard for me to keep the kitten. I’ve got two cats that get stressed easily.

      • Totally agree karenpadi. My cats have been very pampered creatures. But most of them have walked in off the street, and I wouldn’t pay for one, especially as I’ll be taking it to the vet first thing. And being checked out by someone who acts like I’m trying to sell them insurance would be just too weird. No money, no contract, and especially no home visits.. That said, being able to have a good kitty-conversation on the phone would be a plus.

    • Does your community have any pet adoption agencies? In my area there are dozens of them, and they have lots of experience placing animals. I adopted my dog through one, and they took great pains to ensure my dog would be going to a good home: I had to fill out a survey, they did a home visit, and they followed up with us for months to ensure we were giving him proper vet care and doing training.

      When I was looking to adopt a dog, I was totally skeezed out by the pet postings on craigslist. I think offering your kitten up for adoption through a professional agency may be better for the kitten, and safer for you (interacting w/ people from craiglist can be scary!).

      • Anon Analyst :

        I’ll have to check into that. So far I’ve only contacted rescue organizations. Not sure if that is the same thing? Regardless, I’ll do some research. Thanks for the suggestion!

        • Hi Anon Analyst,

          I sent an email to your gmail address yesterday but didn’t hear back from you, so I’m posting here. I’m very touched by your concern for the kitten so I am happy to email the two friends I know in OH to see if either might want to adopt. Just a few questions: is it male or female? How would you describe its personality? Where in OH are you (both friends live in the Cleveland area)?

          I know it’s a long shot, but who knows? One of them might want to adopt (and they are both super nice people)!

  13. Apologize if I’m retreading past ground here, but I am seriously distracted.

    Pretty sure my boyfriend will be proposing soon — in the next half year (I’m guessing). Answer is obvious and I’m thrilled. The thing is that he wants to do the ring / proposal thing himself with no input and have everything be a surprise (I trust his taste and my only input would be that I tend toward modest/simple). In the meantime, he’s excitedly floating wedding ideas by me. It’s driving me a little nuts because we aren’t yet engaged and I’m not sure that I want to be planning our wedding quite yet! I just want him to shut up about it or ask already.

    Basically, after almost 6 years, I’m ready and excited. How do I not focus on this all the time (such as during work….)? I know this is a good “problem” but I could use some advice on how to let this all go for the time being!

    Thanks :)

    • Is there a reason, “Shut up or ask” isn’t a valid option?

      • Seriously. Tell him that you respect that he wants the ring and proposal to be a surprise, and you are excited about it, but you are not going to start planning until you are officially engaged. It’s sweet that he’s excited, though. My husband was very into wedding planning.

    • I was you three weeks ago — now I’m going thru the actual planning — (dating for years, knew it was coming. question was recently asked).

      Enjoy the fantasy planning now (in spurts, I eventually got bored), because when dates and real money and parents are involved, it’s not as fun! Although I’m relaxing somewhat.

      Also, keep in mind your SO may be shocked when you start planning out loud shortly after you’re formally engaged. Mine was…heh.

      A Practical Wedding also has several posts on being “pre-engaged” — it was helpful to know there are other sane women out there in the same limbo — even though I was 98% sure it was happening, a good part of me felt a little like I was as crazy as a woman who would be picking out wedding colors and baby names after the first date.

    • I echo Rani in recommending A Practical Wedding, which has posted a number of essays about dealing with the very situation you are in and is awesome for planning, marriage, and beyond questions to boot. But given your boyfriend’s talk of weddings you may want to remind him that planning is tough without an engagement, and he should take some action on the latter if he is excited about the former.

      • I understand the annoyance with the talk without the ring, it drove me NUTS for longer than I care to admit.

        BUT! A Practical Wedding also discusses the Ring Olympics and the pressure guys feel for getting the proposal perfect. The wedding — that’s traditionally up to the bride, but the proposal? He may feel that he has to do it in way that makes a better facebook story than your BFF’s fiance.

        I think DF feels like his proposal wasn’t ‘good enough’ — but it was perfect for us.

        Rather than be blunt and come out and say “either propose or shut up about it” — I’d first try to give him some hints (or say outright) that the way the question is being asked isn’t nearly as important as the question itself.

        Also, I didn’t talk about the hints about the impending proposal with most of my friends. I had maybe two people I discussed the ‘clues’ with — because I knew they weren’t going to be constantly inquiring on how it was going. I think this site is good for getting the “oooo, I have to share and over-analyze this comment” feeling out too.

  14. SF Bay Associate :

    Bay Area meetup – Sunday, November 4 at 1:30 pm at the Mission location of Rosamunde’s sausage, next to the 24th street Bart station. Beer, sausages (vegan sausages available and I vouch for their tastiness) and new friends.

    Apropos of K’s thread yesterday, I was really nervous the first time I came a C-lady meetup… so afraid of not measuring up to all these “perfect” C-ladies. Turns out we all felt the same way. And we realized we’re all flawed and yet awesome and thank goodness. At this point, it’s just hanging out with a bunch of great women who really understand each other, even if we just met, and even though we don’t agree on everything. So, COME!

    • karenpadi :

      Second this! I planned the first meet-up and I was nervous no one would show up that I dragged a friend along.

      It’s so hard to make friends out of school and, for lawyers and other busy professionals, I think we all go through a phase at the beginning our our careers where we lose a lot of local friends through re-location and just working too much to maintain any friendships.

      I had a talk yesterday with a first-year about how the hours are just the requirement of the job and, yes, she won’t be able to see her 5-year old as much as she wants to and, yes, her husband is going to have to accept that she isn’t always there. At least she has a family, I told her. I felt horrible doing this but, well, there’s a lot of buts. I am still grumpy about having to say those things to her.

      • AND, we are super cazh at our meetups, we mostly know each others’ handles. BUT we will not expect anyone to reveal their handle, so if you want to come but stay anonymous, you can totally do that!

        hope to see folks there, it will be fun!

    • Left Coaster :

      Yippee! I have been infrequently posting lately, but still can’t wait to come and meet all of you in person!

    • Next time I’m in SF, I totes want to meet up with you ladies.

    • e_pontellier :

      Similarly, NYC Meet up Thursday Oct 25 at 8PM! Haven’t picked a location yet so we might go back to Grey Dog’s – on W 16th St btwn 7th/8th Aves. Email me to get on the list: e.pontellier.r et te [at] gmail [dot] com.

  15. Anonymous :

    Many BigLaw refugees talk about going in-house when the burnout, but most of those jobs seem to be transactional or employement law. Where do the refugee litigators go, if they want to be involved in litigation, but without the institutional drama (of being subject to others’ mgmt issues, etc. I understand litigation = drama).

    • A lot of them work with me in government.

    • Left Coaster :

      I am an ex-big law litigation associate (I left about halfway into my fifth year, but was only in biglaw for 2.5 years because I clerked for two years). I am now in the government, and I love love love it. I think that the government is a pretty common landing place for former litigation associates, but a lot of litigation people I knew went in-house at bigger companies with their own litigation departments. There, they are still involved in litigation to an extent, but much more from a management perspective — e.g., overseeing outside counsel’s handling of cases, but never doing any actual legwork themselves.

  16. I need some Halloween inspiration! What are you all planning to dress up as, if at all? What are your favorite costumes?

    • A Rolls Royce hood ornament.

    • Brienne of Tarth

    • SDChicky619 :

      I am coordinating with two friends; we are dressing up as rock, paper, scissors. I’m the rock.

    • A super easy one this year: you and a few of your (lady) friends, a bit of cardboard, three rings and dinner on the table at 6:30pm. A binder of women!

    • I like traditional costumes, but with a modern or even s*xy twist–pirate, vampire, witch, mummy. I also like historical costumes–Freida and Diego, Bonnie and Clyde.

    • McKayla Maroney! Grey sweatsuit, silver medal, high pony tail, and a look that says I clearly don’t care.

    • Last year I was Reverse Cowgirl and I wore a cowgirl outfit backwards. It was a huge hit. But an adult party. I have no idea how I will ever “top” last years idea…

    • I’m doing a masquerade with makeup and face paint

    • RookieRette :

      My boyfriend’s favorite lazy costume – dark suit, devil horns, and a name tag that says “Hi my name is [politician of choice]”. Never fails to get a few laughs!

      My costume this year is just gonna be my Renaissance Fair costume, complete with corset. Yay for getting to use that thing more than once a year!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I’m going as Amy Pond in her kissogram costume and convinced my boyfriend to go as Rory the Roman.

      An idea I had yesterday was to go as Carmen Sandiego. It could be a fun 2-person costume if the other person went as Waldo.

  17. Houston ‘rettes – I’ll be in Houston for five days next month. Any recommendations for restaurants near or between the convention center and the medical center?

    Apologies if this becomes a repeat post – my original post is stuck in moderation.

  18. Don't want to be your lawyer :

    New(ish) lawyer TJ:

    What do you do when random people ask you for legal advice?

    I’m 2011 law grad and I do compliance work for the company I worked for before I went to law school. I am the only lawyer who works here, and the first full-time lawyer my company ever hired. I really love this job, and it’s a crazy good opportunity. I am however, very specialized and I feel like the only law I know is stuff that regulates the industry my team works in.

    Lately I have been getting a lot of personal legal questions from other people in the company not on my team who don’t really understand what I do. Things like a guy trying to get out of his lease early, a woman wanting to know if a thing that happened to her at the doctor was a HIPAA violation, or a woman whose dad just died and doesn’t know how to deal with the estate. I have dealt with some of these questions by directing the people to our Employee Assistance Program, which provides some legal referrals.

    Today I got a call from my cousin about a bill she received from her old landlord when she moved out of her apartment. Again…I know NOTHING about landlord/tenant outside of what I had to learn in 1L and for the Bar. I told her I would look into it but that I probably wouldn’t be very much help.

    What you guys do when you get these questions…I don’t want to come off as a total jerkface!

    • Senior Attorney :

      Just be honest, “I’m sorry, but I practice in a teeny tiny speciality area of the law and I don’t know any more about landlord tenant/HIPAA/probate law than you do. Possibly less. I’m terribly sorry but I just can’t help you.”

    • Explain to them that just like they wouldn’t ask a heart surgeon about a skin rash, lawyers also specialize. Don’t pretend to know anything about your subject area and don’t offer yourself up to look into it. Be upbeat in your explanation and you won’t sound like a jerk. :)

    • I do the same as above, but I also try to have at least a few people in mind that I can refer them to (law school classmates are good) if I can, at least for common issues. Never hurts to do a friend a favor!

  19. JealousAnon :

    Relationship question – how do you deal with (your own) jealousy of your SO’s fun/smart/attractive coworkers? As a bit of background, my SO and I have been together for 3.5 years and living together for 1.5. For the first two years we were in school, though, so we generally didn’t spend all day around the same people.

    Recently I suspected that he had developed a crush on a coworker. This happened about the same time I had a crazy hormone bender, so I had a pretty strong emotional reaction once I started piecing together why exactly I felt that way. We talked it out and I am confident that nothing is happening, but the whole experience left me feeling pretty anxious.

    I know that in long-term relationships crushes are natural, but a) I haven’t developed one (yet), and b) this is the first time I’ve ever really had to deal with the possibility of one (my SO doesn’t have a lot of close female friends). My SO and his coworkers tend to socialize outside of work as well, and there are some attractive, funny, and smart women in the group. I feel like it is natural for some feelings to develop in such close proximity. Our relationship has always been so stable and drama-free, and it makes how threatened I currently feel sooo embarrassing.

    This whole episode has left me feeling really shaky emotionally (the hormone surge really, really didn’t help), and I am really looking for some advice so that the crazy doesn’t affect the relationship :/

    • You don’t need to feel so embarassed. I don’t think crushes are natural, and I would be extremely upset if my bf had one. I am assuming that a crush is more than “that woman is attractive.” if feelings are developing, it means they are spending enough time at work or outside of work to really develop connections. Does he have actually crush on her? Or when you talked did you feel reassured? I think that is an important part.

      Other people are probably fine with their so developing a crush, but since I know I will never have a crush on someone besides my husband, I would be very upset if he did.

      I don’t think you should feel upset that “your crazy will affect the relationship” Its not crazy. the first step in an affair is a crush. The important part is communication, and how he is responding to your concerns.

      • I would be p*ssed if my husband had a crush on someone else.

      • JealousAnon :

        I hadn’t been too concerned that it was a real, deep connection (yet), but the idea of him getting the new relationship butterflies talking to someone else did upset me. I am now pretty confident he doesn’t have a crush on her. She is the type of cute, bubbly girl that always has a string of guys after her, which is probably why I felt threatened (I could NEVER pull off cute and bubbly). Once I did, though, I saw every interaction through the lens of “he likes her.” When we talked he gave me a whole list of reasons why he doesn’t have a crush on her (including the fact that he finds her too bubbly), and he seemed so genuinely confused when I asked that I believe him.

        I don’t want to be the “You can’t be friends with her!” girlfriend, but I just…kind of wish she wasn’t around.

        • I love that he thought she was too bubbly! I’m also a NOT cute and bubbly girl and often feel threatened by girls who are. My husband loves the fact that I’m not bubbly (he finds the C&B girls annoying). Any chance you can tag along on some of these outings and become friends with the female co-workers yourself?

        • Though I do think crushes are natural – evidence that he’s alive and breathing – they can definitely develop into affairs if both parties allow it to.

          Sexual tension + emotional connection + secrecy about these feelings/communications/actions from the primary partner(s) = emotional affair.

          There’s nothing really to be done about sexual tension… either he feels it or he doesn’t. He can stop an emotional connection from formingby maintaining professional boundaries and not entering into too-personal conversations with his coworkers. And, obviously, if he’s keeping secrets from you… there’s something going on.

          If there are no signs of secrecy or more-than-professional relationships developing with his coworkers, you’re probably fine. Definitely worth it to chat with him about your feelings on this.

    • Is getting to know his female coworkers an option? Can your you and your SO invite the coworkers and their SO’s over to your place? It’s always easy to see the other coworkers as attractive/funny/smart women and forget that you are ALSO an attactive/funny/smart woman. Getting to know these coworkers might put things at ease.

    • I don’t think he should be hanging out with them outside of work without you. In general, I don’t really think that wives should have close men friends or that husbands should have close women friends. (the whole when harry met sally thing)

      • Really? I have a close male friend with whom I’ve been friends for years. We g-chat extensively though I can’t say we really hang out one on one much anymore. I have another close male friend who I discuss my religion/faith with, as my SO is an atheist. SO certainly doesn’t mind missing out on the faith discussions.

        • Like I said, I think that *in general*.

        • +1. I would have had to jettison at least half my friends if male friends weren’t allowed once I was married.

        • +2. I’m not going to tell my SO that he can’t hang out with his oldest friends anymore, just because they’re female and he’s in a relationship. And I’d be pretty p*ssed if he asked me to do the same with my longstanding male friends.

          • Clearly, lots of y’all don’t agree with what I said, so I am trying to figure out exactly why I think that. I guess it boils down to the fact that my husband is my best friend, and I am his. He has his guy friends that he hangs out with a bunch, and I have my girlfriends. Why would he need to have a close girl – friend when he has me? As I type that, I can see that it seems kind of naive or simplistic, but it is what I think. Neither of us has ever asked the other to drop friends, but I guess we just naturally grew apart from those opposite sex friends as we got closer to each other. However, if he met a new girl and became friends with her, I would certainly not hesitate to ask him to curb their time together if I thought he was getting too close to her.

          • I guess my point of view is – I do different things with different friends. My SO is my best friend too, but, for instance, I can’t really discuss operatic interpretations with him, because that isn’t his thing. But I do discuss operatic interpretations with a longtime friend of mine who’s known me since I was 18 (and who happens to be male). My SO would just be bored silly if I tried to do that with him. Similarly, my SO has a really good female friend whom he’s known since high school. We don’t really do things with her entire family since they live quite far away from us – but my SO and his friend work pretty near to one another. So they get together all the time. I don’t think it jeopardizes our relationship any to do these things with different people, and in fact it is probably healthy. Even in a really strong relationship, it is pretty difficult to be all things to one another. I recognize that my SO has all these friendships that predated my entry into his life, and he recognizes the same for me. I think that from this perspective, the gender of the friend is not really relevant.

      • Brooklyn, Esq. :

        It sounds like he’s going out with coworkers of both sexes, not just the women. In those situations I think it would be pretty weird for him to refuse to go if the OP isn’t there.

      • I would just like to provide a counterpoint to this statement. My SO is pretty introverted and doesn’t have many close friends, so I am happy for him to hang out with co-workers, including women. Sometimes I join them, but not usually, because I think it’s good for us to have friendships outside of each other, and I want him to have the opportunity to socialize without me and even talk about me or our relationship if he needs/wants to. He works with lots of attractive, successful ladies, so maybe he has had crushes on some of them at one point or another, I really don’t know. But I know he is faithful, and any crushes that may or may not exist have not adversely impacted our relationship. Certainly different people feel differently about this, so I’m not making a judgment, I just wanted to put an alternate view out there.

        • TO Lawyer :

          DC Jenny – I have to say, I love your approach to relationships. You seem really level-headed and rational and I wish I could be like this more!

          • Ha, well not always. You can ask my SO about the time I got mad and stormed out of the apartment because he made disparaging comments about a particular movie from the 90s. But, thanks!

          • Excuse me, that is COMPLETELY justified and rational! 90s MOVIES!?!? how dare he! i am also very protective of my 90s movies, Rawwrrr SNAP

      • I know someone who just called off a wedding/engagement because his fiance was so adamant about the fact that he drop all of his female friends (myself included) once they were married.

        • That’s very smart. That’d have been a doomed marriage, so may as well get it over with quickly :-).

      • Uh what, violet?

        If I couldn’t have male friends, I’d lose half my friends.

        Please.

      • How are women supposed to develop informal networking relationships with male peers/mentors/sponsors if socializing with the opposite sex is verboten without spousal chaperonage?

        • I would consider those professional settings/relationships rather than being *close* friends.

      • JealousAnon :

        They certainly aren’t close friends – everyone hangs out together, and most people have other friends outside of work that they spend more time with. And since I am venting here…I do think she texts him a little too much (in the spirit of sharing secrets, I did peek at his phone to see what exactly the tone of the conversation was :/). Nothing inappropriate, but since I am already irrationally jealous of her specifically, and since they don’t hang out outside of the group setting, any time she texts him I think “Was that really necessary? Why do you need to ask how his weekend is going?”

        As my SO himself says, she likes the attention (and apparently is very chatty via text with everybody). But even though I know nothing is going on, my inner cavewoman is like BACK THE F OFF.

        • I used to get like this with my SO’s female colleagues, and I’ve finally just had to tell myself enough is enough. If this is going to work, I have to trust him to make good decisions in his life when I’m not around. He knows the consequences of cheating, and I suspect can tell I won’t take to fondly to gray area not-actually-cheating-but-questionable either. I’ve always told myself that if I feel the need to snoop through texts/emails/phone calls, then that in and of itself tells me what I need to know about the relationship, regardless of the search results. Trust him or don’t, its exhausting for both parties otherwise. But don’t discount your inner cave woman–instincts are scarily accurate sometimes!

          Maybe instead of looking at her behavior (i.e., she texts him too much), maybe focus on your SO’s behavior and tell him what you’d like him to do (i.e., if its not work related and you guys are together, he doesn’t answer her. That may also stop the texting at inappropriate times, since it doesn’t get rewarded with an answer).

          • After reading the other comments below, I just want to clarify that this wasn’t meant as your feelings aren’t warranted or aren’t valuable. In my experience, it took me telling myself I wasn’t going to get worked up about women my SO is around because I trust him. I agree that communication is key; tell him it bothers you, why, and what you’d like him to do instead. He may have a different solution in mind, but the key is you’re finding something both of you can agree on so you both feel trusted, respected, and loved.

          • Apart from the damage your jealousy is doing to your relationship (it is, I see it), let me point out how utterly tedious it is to be the innocent 3rd party in such an avalanche of snarky jealous feelings. Just because I’m stuck at work doing unreasonable hours with your SO (who -I- did not choose) does not mean I want to be subjected to snippy comments from you. I deserve compassion too when I’m answering his phone because he’s stepped out and asked me to because he was afraid to miss your call. If I was straight, I’d probably be doing the jolly with these guys in the broom closet just to make sure I deserve the bad treatment I get.. As it is I content myself with merely covering for them when they do cheat on you, and cheer them on.

        • Gold Lion :

          I would just like to throw out there that I read tons of texts/emails/fb messages my SO gets whenever i am in a situation i have access to them.My friends, his friends, and both our coworkers always comment on what a low maintenance and non needy girlfriend I am. This is probably because I am not talk/energy intensive. But, I do like to know what’s going on, and he seems to put up with me being fairly nosy. I think nosy is fine!

        • I just want to second that you don’t have to internalize your jealousy feelings. Instead of thinking about how SHE texts too much, why aren’t you focusing on your bf? Do you feel he texts her back to much? Do you feel he has allowed himself to be one of the “sting of guys” following after her?

          I am totally fine with my bf having female friends. Many have become my friends. But I would not be ok with him allowing himself to be one of the “string” as in, provide attention to someone who is clearly seeking it. He should be friends because of the friendship merit, not just because she puts so much effort into it.

      • K...in transition :

        Harry and Sally were single and their relationship evolved over years, clearly not the case when one or both has a SO.

        Why do people need opposite s3x friends? Often it’s a gal’s male friend who talks her out of going nuts about something dumb before she freaks out on her bf about it. Often it’s the guy’s female friend who explains to him why his gf got upset when he forgot their anniversary, etc. It’s someone who speaks the same language (of sorts) who isn’t as invested in the relationship as the 2 members of the relationship.

        Obviously things differ when it’s a same s3x relationship, but even then, it helps to have friends overall!

        • I agree that opposite sex friends are fine, but your comment reads kind of like a bad sitcom. I think most men realize why its upsetting when they forget the anniversary, and most men remember. I actually think I’d have a problem if my bf’s friends were explaining that to him. I am perfectly capable of communicating with him. And I would never tell a guy friend why I was mad at my bf, I would not want a “translator” for our issues. I think when you have opposite sex friends because they are opposite sex, that can be a problem, because you are seeking out opposite sex friends to replace something missing in your relationship. I have friends that are funny, smart, insightful, that just happen to be one or the other. I don’t have them to guide me through the minefields of dating. But I agree with your overall point that friends in general is what is helpful.

    • Brooklyn, Esq. :

      I don’t have any great advice, but I wanted to chime in and say that I DO think crushes over the course of a long-term relationship, having had them myself and “managed” not to act on them. (Where managed = totally not ever an option.) I don’t think a crush is the first step of an affair–the willingness to have an affair is the first step.

      So, I think I can only counsel discussing this with your SO–not the incident, as you indicate you’ve already discussed that–but the general concept of, “sometimes I get jealous,” and sort of how you each approach the natural ebb and flow of relationships. (That’s super abstract but hopefully it rings a bell for you, I assume different people talk about these things differently.)

      I also think you have nothing to be ashamed of in feeling threatened. It’s pretty natural–the beauty and the curse of a romantic relationship is how vulnerable you are to the other person (because of your emotional connection to that person). Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and don’t try to force yourself out of it, because the strain of it (I think) is what affects the relationship, not the fact that you have feelings. The feelings will pass. In the meantime, can you try to observe your feelings and place them in context? I find that sometime intellectualizing these things helps me, sort of, “Ah yes, I remember Dec. 11, when I felt this way last, and yet by 2012 I was totally over that. Remember that, self?”

      Finally, can you ask your SO for extra special attention? My husband is very responsive when I tell him (in a cute, light-hearted way) that I felt jealous when X (that waitress flirted with him, whatever), but I’m the only girl for him, right? And then he hugs me and gives me tons of compliments and even though it’s ostensibly a lovey-dovey kind of thing, it really does help me feel better. Does that make sense?

      • TO Lawyer :

        I think this is great advice. I sometimes get a little nervous/uncomfortable/insecure when my SO is out with the boys for a night (even though he has never given me a reason to be suspicious). We’re long distance so obviously we both have to live our own lives but sometimes I hate it when he’s at the bar with all the guys.

        Here is what works for us:
        1) I’ve told him it makes me a little nervous but that I trust him completely. As a result, we operate on a “full disclosure” basis – so he will tell me all of the details (including other girls hitting on him). I feel a lot better knowing everything that happened but this may not be the case for everyone.
        2) we’ve discussed this rationally – he knows I’m not begrudging him a social life but at the same time, your feelings are your feelings and that’s ok, even if you feel like you’re being crazy.
        3) Agree with the suggestion to put your feelings in context – sometimes I’ll feel more upset by him going out or hanging with his female friends and sometimes it’ll be because I miss him, or feel like he’s been less affectionate lately or I’ve been having a bad day.
        4) My SO is also better about addressing my concerns and making sure he calls, and tells me he misses me and wishes I was with him.

        I know this isn’t quite the same as a crush, but I think the same principles can apply.

        And FWIW, I disagree with the idea that married people can’t have friends of the opposite sex. I have a fair few platonic male friends that I can’t imagine not hanging out with after I’m married. My SO is always going to be my number one but I think you can manage to have platonic friendships regardless.

        • Brooklyn, Esq. :

          Great methodology! #1 especially you should think about–what makes you more nervous, knowing everything or knowing nothing? (Or wherever you fall on that spectrum?) Decide what you want and then ask for it. I personally also prefer the full disclosure option, but I can imagine someone else feeling differently.

          Also, OP, can you ask him to tell you some annoying things about this coworker? It helps if the other person seems, well, real rather than some bubbly perky ideal (and oh, I totally get being jealous of that–total opposite of my personality too!).

          • JealousAnon :

            He actually did give me a list of reasons why he doesn’t like her once he realized that I was really worried about it. :) The funny thing is, what first planted the idea in my mind was, after meeting her, I told him “Ugh, she is nice, but kind of annoying. Way too chipper” and he just shrugged. It was like, do you NOT find her annoying?

      • I totally agree with you on the ‘crushes’ thing. I’ve been married 18 years, and yes, I’ve had 2 or 3 minor crushes on other men during that time. I never even considered acting upon any of them. I completely love my dh, but I think it’s normal to sometimes feel attracted to other people besides your SO. Like the saying goes ‘you’re married, not dead’.

        I’ve never told dh about m crushes because he doesn’t’ need to hear it, and I’m sure he’s had crushes too, and I don’t want to hear about those.

        I’m a big fan of communication in a relationship. I like the advice of letting your SO know that you sometimes feel jealous. Dh & I sometimes let each other know when we’re feeling insecure so the other can give a little more attention. Usually for us it’s insecurity about life in general, not about our relationship.

    • just a lurker :

      I don’t think you should blame your reaction on hormones. I agree with the others, a crush really isn’t acceptable, especially if he is still spending time with this woman.

      • JealousAnon :

        I am relieved to see that being upset at such a relatively small issue (a possible crush on a coworker, not exactly like he was cheating) is not crazy. I do think the hormones contributed to the depth of the emotional reaction though (holding back tears at work, an anxiety attack, and then hysterically crying at home). It was so wildly different from how I normally feel (even when upset), that I actually took a pregnancy test just to be sure.

    • karenpadi :

      So, at the beginning of my career, I was the “smart/young/single” co-worker. I’ll tell my story and my “rules” for working with married men.

      His wife was doing grad work and hanging out a lot with the guys in grad school (maybe with a crush on them–I never figured that out). My mentor (who I wasn’t attracted to) and I both drove to Subway everyday for lunch so we ended up carpooling. Somehow, I unknowingly became the “counterweight” in their marriage to her hanging out with grad school guys. Nothing happened and I had a great mentor.

      The wife made every effort to meet me and hang with me. She met us for lunch about once a week. When we were working late, she’d bring us pizza and she’d invite me over for a home-cooked dinner every Tuesday. I really appreciated that. I think it’s hard for single women to have male mentors and crazy rumors where quelled when people knew I was friends with his wife and frequently hung out with her.

      As a single woman in these situations, I think it’s very important to respect the marriage. Never ask about the marriage and don’t allow him to discuss his marriage problems with you. Whenever possible, make an effort to be friends with his wife. Accept invitations and blind dates from the wife. If he starts to pull away from the mentoring relationship, things probably got a little too hot in the marriage so let him back off. Never, ever joke about being the “work wife” or imply a special relationship. Never, ever give “wifely advice” (e.g., what to wear or how to handle a non-work situation). Never, ever criticize or agree to criticism about the wife.

      • Definitely respect the marriage. My male friends (which, as above, constitute about 50% of my friends) often want to tell me about some issue in their marriage. 90% of the time I’m like, OMG you a-hole, you need to apologize.

      • These rules are fantastic. I particularly agree with not acting “wifely” re. giving non-work-related advice or offering a sympathetic ear about domestic problems.

        Maintaining professional boundaries are key to both parties a) maintaining own professional images and b) protecting their own domestic situations.

    • Here’s an old married person’s perspective.

      I don’t want to be with someone who had the equivalent of a lobotomy after we got together. I don’t expect that my husband is blind or emotionally shut down to everyone but me. I love the fact that despite the fact that he is surrounded by people who challenge him and he connects with, he comes home to me. I am not his consolation prize. He chooses me. He can notice other women. He can have meaningful relationships in other ways with other people (including women) yet I am the person he has chosen to marry. I am the person who he counts on being there when the going gets rough. The person who he can be weak with. The person who he sees himself with when his body and mind are no longer in their prime. The fact that he might have a crush on someone, is human and shows that he has not shut down.

      Sure, I can be jealous. And he wants that from me. He doesn’t want to be with someone who takes him for granted. Someone who doesn’t care whether or not he has crush on someone else. If I feel jealous, I tell him. He respects my feelings. We talk about it. Sometimes that is enough. Sometimes he takes actions that assures me he does prioritize me and our relationship over other things.

      The reverse is true as well. We both have close friends of the opposite sex. We have each felt jealous. We talk about our feelings and make sure that the other person is assured of where each of our priorities are. And on the flip side, we trust.

      • Gold Lion :

        Thank you for this, I thought it was beautiful and inspiring

      • this is literally exactly what my husband told me after i caught him having an affair. that i was the one he “chose” to marry.

        • I’m sorry that happened to you, anon. I hope you can see that he did not say anything like what I described, though. My husband and I choose fidelity not because we lock each other off from members of the opposite sex, but because we value the relationship we have with each other above all others. There is a huge difference between that and violating the trust within your marriage marriage and writing it off as “but I chose to sign papers with you.” IMHO, marriage is not a single act, but a moment by moment affirmation of the love and commitment you have with another person. He did not “choose” to marry you when he chose to have an affair. He chose quite the opposite.

      • Honey Pillows :

        That’s fair beautiful, DealCube.

        I might’ve teared up a little bit at the middle paragraph. “I am the person who he counts on being there when the going gets rough. The person who he can be weak with. The person who he sees himself with when his body and mind are no longer in their prime” is a fantastic summation of the harder, truer parts of a wonderful marriage, and I really hope I end up with that.

    • After seeing married friends deal with an affair that started as a “harmless” office crush, I (and they) cannot recommend this book enough:

      “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass (Ira Glass’ mom, FWIW).

      It’s aimed not only at people who have dealt with sexual affairs, but also emotional affairs and mutual crushes that went a little too far… and married people who want to avoid the possibility.

      Read the Amazon.com reviews and you’ll see what I mean.

  20. Gifts for Kids :

    I have all boys, and need advice for gifts for a one year old and 4 year old girl. Thanks!

    • I usually give books. But I have also given stuffies (I love the ugly dolls, but they’re not for everyone.) And, the 4YO might like a snowglobe. The 1YO won’t really know, but you could get her a cute outfit. If you’re in NYC, I can point you to a fab toy store where the staff is always ready with helpful advice.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        This is my rule too. Any gift to a child from me includes a book. Every single time. The four year old might love play kitchen/food things. A cute hooded terrycloth robe might also be a big hit – they have ones with animal ears on them, so it’s dress up too. Board book for the 1 year old.

        • Honey Pillows :

          YES! I’ve become that Doda (auntie in Hebrew). I last gave a Piglet stuffed animal and a Winnie-the-Pooh board book, and apparently the kid just dragged that Piglet all around the house, and demanded the story be read multiple times well before bedtime.

    • Anon Analyst :

      My niece is around 4 years old and loves dress up clothes. A while back I happened upon some cute princess stuff at Wal-Mart. There was a set with a tiara, long skirt and some plastic slippers. She loved it!

      Not sure about the one year old. I don’t have kids at all, so a lot of time I’ll use the age guidelines on toys to get an idea of what to buy. If there is a specific cartoon character she likes, that may help narrow down what to get.

    • I think 4 year old girls are super into Dora the Explorer and the girl with the long hair from Tangled right now. I personally prefer Dora. For the 4 year old, you could also do blocks or legos or something that’s more gender neutral.

      For the 1 year old…I mean, they’re one. Maybe a couple of soft books? Or one of those toys that is kind of like a musical instrument or something?

      • Dora gets no love at all from my nieces (6 and 4). All the love is reserved for Disney princesses and Cars. (If it weren’t for the Cars part, my head would be exploding — because REALLY?!?!?!? Non-stop Disney princesses?!?!?!?!?) I have tried to push them in other directions, but no go. They don’t really know who Dora is. So, they get books of my choosing and clothes with no logos or faces on them or (here’s another idea for OP) age-appropriate crafty things. They still love me.

        • Meg Murry :

          My 5 year old LOVES arts & crafts. A stack of construction paper, some pipe cleaners, stickers & googly eyes were great fun.
          If you want to get a “matching” gift, the stuffed dogs, cats & monkeys from blabla kids are wonderful, my kids sleep with theirs every night. Not cheap, but super soft & cuddly, very well made.
          You could also go for an experience gift like tickets to a local zoo or childrens museum

        • They’ll grow out of the princesses, I promise. My nieces are 9, 8 and 6 1/2. Art projects rock and books are always good. Check out the Fashion Runway sketchbooks. You can get them from Amazon. I got them for the girls and then I bought one for myself.

          My nephew/godson is turning 1 on Sunday. He’s going to like the box the gifts came in better than the gifts. I got him a jersey with the name of a player from our local NFL team (most of you know where I live), but his favorite toy is Walter from The Muppets. I got it for him last fall.

          So, don’t worry about a gift for the 1-year-old. She just wants frosting and to play with the boxes. Give art projects and books to the 4-year-old girl.

    • Research, Not Law :

      I have daughters those ages!

      For the older:
      eeBoo: Once Upon a Time / Fairytale 9 Piece Puzzles http://www.amazon.com/eeBoo-Once-Fairytale-Piece-Puzzles/dp/B002PDM440/
      Melissa & Doug Lace and Trace Pets http://www.amazon.com/Melissa-Doug-Lace-Trace-Pets/
      1001 Things to Spot in the Sea (book) http://www.amazon.com/1001-Things-Spot-Sea-Usborne/dp/0794526152/
      The Big Book of Berenstain Bears Beginner Books http://www.amazon.com/Book-Berenstain-Bears-Beginner-Books/dp/037587366X/
      Playdough and arts/craft supplies

      For the younger:
      Melissa & Doug Deluxe 10-Piece Alphabet Nesting and Stacking Blocks http://www.amazon.com/Melissa-Doug-10-Piece-Alphabet-Stacking/dp/B000GIL2DU/
      Swimways Baby Spring Float – Lily Pad http://www.amazon.com/Swimways-Baby-Spring-Float-Lily/dp/B000ELL5JK/
      In My Nest (board book) http://www.amazon.com/My-Nest-Sara-Gillingham/dp/081186555X/
      Clackers: Duck [Board book] http://www.amazon.com/Clackers-Duck-Luana-Rinaldo/dp/0375861432/
      WADDLES penguin (Ty plush toy) http://www.amazon.com/Ty-WADDLES-Penguin-32092-penguin/dp/B000N6OOD0/
      Bath toys

    • Research, Not Law :

      Reposting without links to avoid moderation.

      I have daughters those ages!

      For the older:
      eeBoo: Once Upon a Time / Fairytale 9 Piece Puzzles
      Melissa & Doug Lace and Trace Pets
      1001 Things to Spot in the Sea (book)
      The Big Book of Berenstain Bears Beginner Books
      Playdough and arts/craft supplies

      For the younger:
      Melissa & Doug Deluxe 10-Piece Alphabet Nesting and Stacking Blocks
      Swimways Baby Spring Float – Lily Pad
      In My Nest (board book)
      Clackers: Duck [Board book]
      WADDLES penguin (Ty plush toy)

    • Anonymous :

      Books! No stuffed animals, please. No dress up clothes, please. No Dora, no character dolls. Books are an excellent choice — all the Knuffle Bunny books by Mo Willems are great. Or any of the classics — look for Caldecott award winners. Also fun, rubber stamps and ink with paper (look for stamp sets by Aladine on Amaz-n). And for the 1 year old, best toy ever is the nest and stack buckets by iplay (regardless of gender, also on Amaz-n).

    • For the one year old….I really don’t think anything is gendered (or should be gendered) at that point. How about blocks?

    • I only have girls, these gifts are always big hits- 1year old a baby doll (I like Corolle for first dolls), a walker toy of any kind, books (Tickle Monster and Boogie Monster are fun for that age), stacking blocks or nesting blocks; and the Bilibo; 4 year old- art kits; Parents lock and create jewelry set; dress up (I like to give capes and crowns); Fancy Nancy or Knuffle Bunny are faves around that age; Melissa & Doug puzzles and cupcake sets; apron and kid cookbook; Mini Kick scooter. I’ve also lately been giving the new lego sets for girls. I hate the marketing, but little girls really do love the tiny princess lego sets.

      • Be careful with the art kits. I think bad thoughts quite loudly at anyone who introduces glitter to my house. :-)

        Musical instruments also can be good or bad. The kids typically love a percussion set with drum, tambourine, maracas, triangle, etc. Mom & Dad may blame you for their headaches for years, though.

    • I got my colleague’s one year old the Melissa & Doug picnic basket. She loved it!

      • In the Pink :

        HearthSong catalogue and Creative Playthings are good sources of ideas.

        Four year old: Dr Seuss books and PD Eastman books (early readers). Balance beam (like the Libra sign). Kaleidoscope. Magic wand filled with liquid and stars and glitter. Stencils and tons of cool paper. Dominoes (colorful ones). Folding screen or doorway insert to be a puppet theatre. Nothing needing batteries if possible. Card Games (love the 12 Minute Card Game ones by Game Wright). Colorforms if you can find them.

        One year old: metal Tonka Dump Truck (seriously). wood blocks. nesting cups or boxes. Soft sock puppets.

    • Honey Pillows :

      Threadjack -suggestions for a 2-year old nephew (and for the next few birthdays/holidays?).

    • microscience :

      This may be super late, but I recently went to a 4 year old girl’s birthday party (no kids, been way too long since I babysat, so I was also in the dark about a good present). I gave her a little “color your own backpack”, it had a design outlined in black, some kind of flowers and leaves type pattern, some of which were already filled in with sparkly silver, and came with markers for her to color herself. She really loved it. Purchased at walmart. She also got a set of wooden music toys (yeah, we wanted to torture the parents :) ) and she really liked those as well.

  21. Should I call a lawyer?

    My old dentist screwed up billing my treatments to my insurance company and are trying to charge me for things I was actually covered for. I brought in the certificates of coverage and they told me, too bad, because we have to claim this stuff within 90 days. This is work done like, 10 years ago. The accumulated cost is about 1000 dollars.

    We haven’t heard from them in months and today got a call from a collections agency. What can I do?

    I am SO STRESSED by this as my credit is PERFECT and it’s not my fault they did not claim the cost.

    • I’m not sure I understand your timeline— you had work done 10 years ago, but you say you “haven’t heard from them [the dentist?] in months”– does that mean you’ve been going back and forth over payment for 9+ years?

      If you have not done so, contact your insurance company and see what they say.

      • Yes, when they first started billing me I just assumed they had made a mistake. I disputed with the office manager but then didn’t hear anything back from them and thought they figured it out (bad move on my part but really who thinks someone is this stupid??)

        Thanks to all!

    • 10 years ago? Check the statute of limitations in your state for debt. If it’s on your credit report, you can dispute it

    • Call your insurance company. It likely violates your dentist’s contract with your insurance to try to hold you responsible for insurance-covered treatment that he forgot to bill to your insurance company. Insurance companies are not happy when providers pull crap like this, and will probably remove him from their network (a substantial threat that would take away a lot of his business) if he doesn’t it out.

    • Collections agencies have been buying up books of “written off” debt and are pursuing it for cents on the dollar. If the debts are really outside the statute of limitations then they can’t do anything about it except try to intimidate you into paying *something.*

      This exact thing happened to me except with a doctor I’d never seen. Phantom bill out of nowhere, three years old (not outside statute, I suppose) and I refused to pay it. They did hit my credit record and when I refinanced my house I had to pay it to get it off my record. It still upsets me! It was $300, not $1000, but still.

  22. Thoughts on The Limited’s sizing? Skirts especially. I haven’t shopped there in ages but I need some replacement skirts and they seem like the ticket, especially since my size has changed so much over the past year. I am a Gap / LE Canvas devotee for everything else but wear Calvin Klein skirts (via TJMaxx).

    • Legally Red :

      All over the place, unfortunately. I am a 4-6 at most stores but I have both 4s and 6s in the same style pants and skirts that I purchased at the same time.

    • Legal Marketer :

      In my experience, they run a size big. I’m coming back from a pregnancy, so I’m heavier than normal (although steadily losing 1 lb/week – yay!) and my Limited skirts are close to fitting. I’m 5’8″ and in the high 170’s and I can get into a 10 (although it’s a bit snug/requires spanx).

    • My experience is also that they run a little big — though it does depend on the style. I’m wearing an XL Limited dress right now, and it’s a looser style (and frankly, it is just barely in the “it fits” category), but I’m normally an 18 who can’t buy things in “regular” sizes.

    • I think it runs huge. I normally wear an XS or 0-2 in shirts, and I’m sized out of all of theit tops and dresses. The extremeness of the vanity sizing is somewhat new though, I think – I have 2 shirts and a blazer in their smallest size from about 6 months ago that fit fine.

  23. Anonforthis :

    I’m not sure if I’m just complaining, or if I’m sharing a secret, but here goes.

    I’ve had stomach issues for years now, doctors haven’t figured it out, and I don’t have the desire/energy to keep up the endless cycle of testing and second opinions. (Though I haven’t done it in a while, and probably should go back for another try.)

    With these stomach issues is a cycle that happens (without warning): I eat something, my stomach bloats hugely, bringing pain and discomfort. The only way to relieve this is to burp (probably 6-10 times in 10 minute periods.) It’s disgusting, and I hate it, but what I hate more is DH calling me a “pig.” I do my level best to be inconspicuous and quiet and if I have to, will excuse myself to outside or a restroom. I just want him to understand that I honestly do not like what is happening any more than he does and calling me a pig does. not. help.

    He came to take me to lunch today: it happened while we were out, and now I just want to cry because my husband thinks I’m disgusting for something I can’t change that physically hurts, is uncomfortable and embarassing.

    • I would literally smack him in the face. that is so so mean. Is this the only thing that he is this mean/insenstitive about? I would say we need to go to therapy so we can discuss this with a 3rd party. somehow I doubt this is the only thing he is this mean about though.

      • Anonforthis :

        He has his moments where he says other insensitive things. I suspect that he thinks it’s funny/a joke, but I can tell some of it is true disgust.

    • Anon Analyst :

      What a mean thing to say! That makes me angry hearing that he’d say that to you. Have you explained to him your feelings? If so, how did he react?

      • Anonforthis :

        I have mentioned it in the past, and I don’t remember his response. I think I’ll have the conversation again tonight.

    • Sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that he isn’t to comment or name call. He may think he is being funny and supportive, but when it ends with you in tears over it, it’s not funny and it’s not supportive. Hopefully, he will feel pretty guilty and get the message.

    • You deserve to feel healthy and to have your husband treat you way better than he does. If you feel up to seeking further medical advice, do so–I have kind of a similar issue sometimes, and the discomfort sucks. I agree with anon that I would try therapy with your husband.

    • My first instinct would be to burp as loudly as I could, right in his face. Repeatedly. But I’m divorced, my instincts may not be the best to follow.

      • Anonforthis :

        This made me laugh so hard. Thank you!

      • No, this is totally what I’d do. But Mr. TBK and I have numerous ongoing jokes about bodily functions (we have to — his nightttime farts are crazy). But if it hurts your feelings, he shouldn’t joke about it. Period.

    • to anonforthis re:burping :

      I’m sorry that your DH is being a jerk. But I have advice about food: This was my biggest symptom before I was diagnosed with celiac disease or gluten intolerance. Bloating, burping, pain. Yup.

      If you can’t afford a doctor, you can try going gluten-free (no wheat, rye, barley or oats) yourself. It is harmless, you don’t need a doctor’s permission and is not nutritionally harmful.

      Go to glutenfreeforum [dot] com for advice and help.

      I had immediate stomach improvement (like in 2-3 days) and I only burp now if I’ve eaten something that has wheat in it by accident.

      • I second the gluten-free rec. I had painful bloating issues too before going GF. Now the only time i have problems is if I’ve accidentally eaten something with gluten (I feel so much better that I would not purposefully eat gluten foods).

        It may have absolutely no impact on how you physically feel or it might make a big difference—-never hurts to try. If you decide to try a gluten-free diet, I’d suggest doing it for a month, during which time don’t change anything else about your normal diet so if you notice a change, you’ll know what to attribute it too.

      • Anonforthis :

        I did this for about two weeks and didn’t notice a change, but I have definitely considered it again. Maybe I’ll start this weekend.

        • make sure you really take some time to read about all the things that have gluten. soy sauce, beer, tons of sauces, salad dressings, etc. if you want to test it you should go completely gfree for at least a month. or before doing that, see if you can get the test before you change your diet.

        • Meg Murry :

          If you want to be really thorough you could try a total elimination diet. Basically, you eliminate the most common allergens from your diet – milk, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, eggs, corn, wheat/gluten, berries, citrus. Basically you eat meat, rice and some fruits & veggies for 3 weeks. After that time you add back in the allergens one at a time until you determine which make you feel worst and avoid those. It’s a lot of work, but compared to years of tests that have told you nothing it might be worth it. You can google total elimination diet for more info. Or if that seems too extreme I would start with milk, soy & gluten, plus keeping a food diary.
          As to your husband I would give him a glare and tell him “If you can’t say something helpful don’t say anything at all” Sorry he’s being a jerk to you, that stinks.

        • emcsquared :

          Have you been to an allergist? I had similar symptoms, and tried the gluten-free diet, the lactose-free diet, and a sugar-free diet. I ended up going to an allergist for completely unrelated symptoms and discovered I was allergic to corn and soy – symptoms are bloating, gas, constipation and burping. Would not have ever figured it out had it not been for that appointment (and a neat side effect of gluten-free diet is eating lots of corn-based products as a substitute; not a good period in my life).

          I can’t believe how much better I feel…I can actually go out to dinner and do something afterward instead of putting on sweatpants and laying on my stomach to try to stop the pain.

          I hope your husband snaps out of it, but I sincerely hope that you find the cause of the stomach pain. It’s an awful thing to live with.

          • Anonforthis :

            I haven’t been to an allergist, but I will talk to my general practitioner about it. I do have all of those symptoms you listed, plus exhaustion when it hits. I just want to curl up and go to sleep, and can barely keep my eyes open.

            You ladies are all awesome :)

          • Meg Murry :

            @Anonforthis:
            I would HIGHLY recommend you start keeping a food diary. You can either use an app like myfitnesspal or Weight Watchers meant to track calories or just a notepad and pen. Keep track of what you eat, your symptoms and the severity. A doctor or allergist may be able to notice a pattern that you don’t necessarily see, and at a minimum you can show them – I have symptoms x times a week for x weeks rather than just “I don’t feel well sometimes after I eat”. Also make a list of everything you’ve tried (prescription meds, diets, etc) and how they have worked for you, so you can give a doctor your history completely and concisely without wasting time doing things you’ve already tried.

            I hope you can find an answer, and that your husband takes you seriously also

          • Anonymous :

            I second Meg Murry. I have a similar reaction to eggplant, of all things, and I don’t think I ever would have figured it out by going to the doctor. Fortunately, I have never eaten eggplant that frequently, so it was easy for me to put together the pattern after a few times, but if it was something more common it would have been harder. A food diary is a great idea.

    • Kontraktor :

      Is there any OTC medication you could try to take to control the bloating? Or even trying to meet with your GP again to see if there is RX medicine that will at least help control the bloating pallatively (ie, it may not fix your underlying problem but it will help with the symptom)? I know there is obviously medicine to control gas/bloating in the intestine… presumably you would think there would be the same thing for tummies.

      On the husband note, that’s really sad and frustrating. I am not sure I have advice there other than trying to tell him in a heartfelt and genuine way how much his comments hurt you, especially in the wake of doing ABC things to try to mitigate/improve.

      • Anonforthis :

        I have tried almost every OTC med I can, and they make it worse, or make me throw up. I’ve kind of given up that angle. Unless you have any recommendations?

        • Kontraktor :

          That is really frustrating. Have you tried any RX meds for either stomach gas or intestinal gas? That’s the only thing I could think- if you’ve exhausted the possibilities of OTC stuff, maybe try to get a doc to perscribe you some RX stuff to try and let him know that you’ll work on the underlying issue later, you just want pallative symptom control right now?

    • double Js :

      Long time lurker here. Your comment made me really sad so I had to comment. That is so mean and horrible of him. Also, and I’m pretty certain a doctor must have already brought this up, but just in case, have you been tested for celiac disease? My mother had the exact same symptoms for 20 years and she was just recently diagnosed. She feels a million times better now. Good luck and it is NOT your fault you have a medical issue.

      • Anonforthis :

        No, my doctor has never mentioned it. Most of the time they write it off as indigestion without testing. I really need to find a new one.

        • Definitely get tested for Celiac’s – there is a test for it. Also, my GI doc told me 2 weeks isn’t long enough to try gluten-free, you need to go a few months to really finally get everything out of your system to feel better. I also have stomach issues that can be very painful and embarrassing and no one has found a treatment for me yet (not Celiac’s). Sometimes I can’t even stand up straight because of the pain – and my SO really doesn’t get it at all. He thinks its something I eat (like gluten, or dairy, etc.), and I keep telling him changing my eating habits/diet doesn’t change a thing (it doesn’t – I’ve tried everything). Sometimes men can be extremely insensitive. It took a few tries but I finally got him to understand that (a) he is not to comment when I am having an episode, and (b) he needs to understand this is painful and embarrassing to me, and sadly, it’s a part of my life. He needs to accept that as part of me. You need to make your husband understand how terrible this is for you and how much worse he makes it. If he really loves you, he’ll stop. It may not be on the first time, but stay strong and he’ll get the picture after a few times. I also have developed a ‘look’ of warning, if my SO ever gets near the line of insensitivity, he is not to cross. He’s learned that and has been better. Good luck – big hugs.

    • I’m sorry about your medical issue, and I’m sorry about the lack of support. I’ve been there. I agree with double Js that Celiac (or non-Celiac gluten intolerance) could be your problem. Try cutting gluten completely out of your diet for two weeks and see how you feel.

      • I third (fourth?) the celiac disease testing as well as the gluten intolerance testing. A note of caution: if you stop eating gluten prior to testing, you will not necessarily receive an accurate diagnosis as the majority of this type of testing requires you to have gluten in your system.

        Secondly, belching can be a sign of gallbladder dysfunction, so you may want to rule that out through testing. Gallbladder dysfunction is one of the many digestive problems associated with celiac or gluten intolerance.

        Finally, I am sorry your husband is making you feel this bad. :(

        • Just to latch onto this thread – I have a suspicion that I may have a problem with gluten. I’ve had digestive issues my whole life and doctors have chalked it up to IBS. I’ve never been tested for gluten. I discovered quite by accident when I did a low-carb diet and cut out all grains for about 6 weeks that my digestive symptoms completely went away (and I lost 10 lbs!). I’ve also had gallbladder issues, neuropathy, etc, and I’ve had problems in the past with low B12 and am a meat eater (negative for intrinsic factor). When I read a list of symptoms of celiac, it sounded like they were describing me to a T.
          Now that I’ve started to phase whole grains back in, the bloating and digestive upset is back. I’m keeping the grains in my diet for now because I’d like to get tested and not get a false negative. My question is: who should I go to for testing? My primary care? A gastroenterologist (hate mine, so I’d have to find another), allergist, other? I want someone who will a) take it seriously, and b) do all of the right tests.

          • I’d suggest a gastro. There are two primary tests for Celiac: a blood test and a biopsy of the intestine. The former, however, is more likely to yield false positives and false negatives.

            Bottom line (in my opinion) is how you feel when you eat certain things. I don’t know whether I have Celiac, and quite frankly, the diagnosis doesn’t matter to me; I fell like hell when I eat gluten, so I don’t eat it.

            In my experience, allergists are not well equipped to test for and treat food allergies.

    • I’m very sorry – what an incredibly hurtful thing to hear. Next time he does that, get up and leave. Say, “i’ve asked you to stop saying it. You’re not funny, you’re being an *ss.” Seriously. Some people just don’t get it until you turn the tables on him. My advice in practice….Have I told the story here about how my exhusband chastised me for wanting to drive from one end of a huge shopping complex where we are over to the target where we were buying heavy things? He told me “I could stand to walk.” Um ok. It was winter and dark out and I was the only one in the relationship that exercised. I said “ok.” Walked to car, got in, and drove home. He walked 3.5 miles home (wee wee wee all the way home).

      I hope you get some medical answers soon. Good luck.

      • Kontraktor :

        On the note of unsensitive husbands, I agree that sometimes you just have to be firm. My poor husband is a doll most of the time but put his foot in his mouth recently. I’m generally pretty laid back if he does minor annoying things, but this really made me feel bad, and I let him know it. I am wearing a splint at night for foot problems. I asked him to get it for me one night, and he sort of sneered at me with a disgust look and picked it up for me by his thumb/second finger/held it away from him (you know, as if it were some stinking, rotting dead racoon in a bag or something). I firmly said something like, “I’m sorry, that reaction is really uncalled for.” I then listed off about 5 ‘gross’ things I do for him (the most inocuous probably being something like, “I empty your gym bag of sweaty/stagnant laundry”), and I ended with, “and I certainly don’t make a face like that when I do those things. So, really handing me something I wear on my foot doesn’t require such a response.”

        He very promptly and profusely apologized and genuinely felt bad. It’s not a bad thing to be firm and stand up for youself on the occasion that they speak before they think.

      • +1 for driving off without him. You’re awesome.

        • Hee! I’m so proud of myself for my response to that situation (I used to be a doormat in my early-mid 20s).

      • Good for you eek! For the driving home, and for the divorce too :-).

    • I’m sorry he made you feel that way. I would also recommend following up with a doctor again – I had GI issues for years, saw a doctor, got meds that didn’t help and got so frustrated with the whole thing that I stopped the meds and refused to go back. Eventually, the pain and discomfort sent me back to the doctors (about 4 years later) and now I have meds which control my issues.

    • K...in transition :

      I am so sorry you’re in a relationship with someone so disrespectful! Perhaps sit down with him and explain why you need to burp and why it hurts when he says what he does? After that, anything he says is a choice made to hurt you since he has clearly been made aware of his actions’ impact.

      As for the issues themselves, I wonder if you’d benefit from going gluten-free for 30 days and seeing if it helped at all? Or doing a more generalized food test of starting with a few foods, giving it 3 days only with those, then adding a few more, waiting for a reaction, moving on, etc. until you hit something that gives you symptoms. From there, you can narrow it down to the foods you’ve just added.

      Might be worth a shot… feel better!

    • In regards to your pain after eating, my gall bladder problems presented in a similar fashion, especially if I’d had a rich / fatty meal and drank anything carbonated. You mention tests, but don’t say which kind. Have you had an ultrasound of your gall bladder? I had mine out and felt a million times better. I may still get urpy after certain meals, but a quick antigas tablet resolves that painlessly.

  24. Hi ladies, I’m hoping the hive can give me some advice;

    My friend is flaky. As in, she cancels plans with me 3 out of 4 times, usually about 1-3 hours before we’re meant to meet. She’s one of my oldest friends and we always get along great and enjoy ourselves when we actually get together.

    Latest example: we were meant to go to the beach today (Saturday, I’m right at the start of the international date line) at 8am, she texts me a 2am saying she’s just getting in a cab, her housemate isn’t feeling well (i.e. is drunk)and that she can’t go. This sort of thing actually happens a bit – we have plans, she goes out the night before anyway and is very hungover herself. Her other usual excuse is that she is really tired (but usually because she did something earlier that day or the night before).

    It’s really starting to get me down. What would you say or do if you were in my position?

    • I have a friend like this. She’s also one of my oldest friends.

      It’s very frustrating. Sometimes I don’t even get a call on the day of the event. She just doesn’t show.

      I’ve stopped counting on her and/or inviting her places. And I basically ignore statements that say let’s meet for drinks next week. Unless she issues an invite with a specific date, I ignore it. And even then, I take it with a huge grain of salt.

      I’d probably cut her loose, but our families are old friends. So I know I’ll see her at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

      • Oh, and forgot to add, she will always drop our plans if something better comes along…

    • Merabella :

      I would continue to make plans with her if you really want, but not count on her to actually show up and make other plans just in case.

      In all honesty, it sounds to me like your friend has a drinking problem that is interfering with her ability to keep her promises.

      • Research, Not Law :

        This.

      • Yeah, this was my thought, too.

      • I honestly have wondered that, but it may also be that she is 23 and still enjoying the party lifestyle. Her drinking is concerning though, as her Mum is an alcoholic.

        • There is a difference between enjoying the party lifestyle and often letting drinking interfere with your life. I would hazard a guess that you are not the only one she is bailing on because of her drinking, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it has started creeping into her life as well.

    • Tell her you miss her and really want to spend some time with her.

    • springtime :

      I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything that bad, but I get really.frustrated with flakey people. I’m never flakey (well, 99% of the time), I just cannot understand how people cannot keep their commitments, and I’m a busy person! I feel your frustration.

      If I was you, I would just stop making plans with her alone so that if she doesn’t show up there are others to do the activity with instead. I especially wouldn’t make plans on key dates (i.e. Saturday night, or your only day off from work) because it hurts way more when you get bailed on then instead of a Monday afternoon. You can’t change these people, so you either have to accept it or move on.

      It might be easier to make a plan if you call her up on the day of and see if she’s free in an hour or so to go shopping or something similar. That way there really isn’t room to back out.

    • I have a friend like that. I ended up doing what Bunkster suggested. Not making plans unless she initiates it. If we do make plans, I just expect them to be cancelled or something so I always have something else planned as a backup. I try not to get too excited about plans unless I see her face at the appointed time/place. Sometime though, I make plans and will be just skeptical if it pans out. I comment on it sometimes too with a joke. If I were you, I would start making plans and joke about “Are you sure you’re going to show up? Most of the time you’re hungover and you leave me hanginggggg.” Maybe she’ll start taking the hint?

      It’s no helping it, if they keep doing it you can’t change the person. It’s just a matter of looking at the whole situation differently and not taking it so personally. I was the same at first but I just learned not to take it to heart. It sucks but people and friendship do change.

      • I had a friend like that too. After a few cancellations and a lot of late arrivals for our plans, I finally had enough and turned down a suggestion she had and told her it was because I couldn’t count on her to show up, or show up on time.
        She cried and said I was being disloyal, but I really value my free time! She was kind of like a time vampire.

    • K...in transition :

      I think I’d start inviting her to join me on things I was going to do anyway. That way, if she shows, great, if not, your plans don’t change. Don’t go out of your way to accommodate her and, if she asks why, tell her honestly.

      • I agree. With my friends like this I say I am doing X and if you want to come, join me/us! Also, I never am angry with them. Some of them are too busy with work, some hungover often, and some never really commit and ditch out if something better comes along. I have learned that being mad at them for canceling never pans out. If they cared I was going to be mad they wouldn’t ditch me anyways.

    • I thought my friend had become a neurotic, selfish b! tch... :

      A good friend used to fit this description to a tee. I nearly wrote her off as a rotten, miserable friend many times.

      She is an alcoholic. She has been a sober one for many years now. I am so glad I never did walk away from the friendship.

    • In my experience, alcoholics are really unreliable. If you wish to maintain the friendship for whatever reason, I suggest you do your best to limit any fallout for yourself. I have the same thing with someone right now – I never make plans with her without either making it a group thing, or having a backup, or being fine with doing this particular thing alone. That said, I still don’t like it, but it sure beats missing out on a good thing because of being stood up.

  25. Can't Wait to Quit :

    I would love to hear the hive’s opinion on this one. I am an Executive Assistant. At the end of April this year I left a job I had held for 7 years. I was burnt out and wanted to take my time and find a new job that was more in line with my career goals. I found another position quite quickly, and started work at the end of June. By the middle of September I knew I had made a mistake. The new position was quite different from what was described in the interview, I found that I didn’t fit into the new company’s culture, and the whole situation was making me so depressed that I was having trouble performing that job adequately. I spoke to my bosses and we decided to part company. Now I am unsure as to whether I should add this very short term position to my resume. The position didn’t include any skills that weren’t already on my resume, and I feel like adding it will just point out to potential employers that I made a mistake. However, leaving it off makes it look like I’ve been out of work since April, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing either. What would you do?

    • Anastasia :

      I haven’t been in this exact situation, but I did have a very short term of employment for one job because I realized it was a mistake. I typically leave it off my resume because the skill set I used is duplicated by my other experience. I don’t hide the fact that I worked there, because familiarity with that organization actually increases my credibility in my current position, but if it doesn’t add anything, I see no problem with leaving it off future resumes.

      HOWEVER, I also see no problem with making a mistake and moving on from it. I’m not sure if someone with experience in hiring would feel differently, but my instinct is that showing that you were gainfully employed for that period of time and then saying that you decided to leave the position because it was not a good fit will not lose you any points, and would be preferable to looking like you have been out of work for several months…unless you have other endeavors during those months that can account for the time.

    • Did you write in to Ask A Manager about this? If not, check her out, because she addressed a very similar problem recently.

      My two cents: I could really go either way here. On the one hand, being out of work for several months is not that uncommon these days, and so that may not raise any red flags at all (except for folks who might question your judgment in quitting the 7-year job without something lined up, but that seems like not a big deal to me). On the other hand, you’d likely end up needing to disclose that job at some point, and people might wonder what you’re hiding if you left it off at the outset. In this circumstance, since it’s not a record of flaking on jobs, you could probably explain the shortness of it the way that you have here (mostly): the job turned out to be very different than what you were told it would be. That may turn some employers off, but it might also be not a huge deal in the scheme of things.

    • I’m no expert, but I would leave it off. You want your resume to focus on your strengths. This job doesn’t add a lot but it could very well open up a conversation about why you didn’t like that job/weren’t a good fit. Although we all know that it’s perfectly reasonable to hate a job and move on for the right reasons, employers want to know you are a reliable person with a can-do attitude. Staying at a job for such a short time could be a red flag for them. I think it’s better to avoid a situation where they start to doubt whether you could adjust to their company if you didn’t like this last one. Although, you did stay at your other job for 7 years, so I think that may help prevent you from being labeled a job hopper. Good luck finding a better fit!

  26. Is it hot in here? No, it's just me :

    OK, I know that the average Rette is younger than I am (based on all the TTC convos), but some of you might be able to help. I’m in peri-menopause and my main symptom is that I’m hot. All the time. Not really flashes, more like an all-day simmer, with periodic boiling. Doctor says the only thing that works is estrogen and she doesn’t think it’s appropriate for me. Does anyone here have any suggestions to help relieve this? It’s ridiculous. I’m wearing the lightest-weight clothes I can and they get damp enough that one outfit per day is not enough. (At least I’m not working, so I don’t have to worry about changing work clothes that much.)

    • I had a fan installed in my office and going almost all the time – people at my end of the floor complained when I had the AC on in the middle of winter ;) – put another in my bedroom. Sleep on top of the covers. Stopped wearing sweaters until I got through to the other end of the process (several years later).

    • Hot and not in a s3xy way :

      Drink ice water all.day.long. If you keep it in a Kleen Kanteen or something similar, you can hold it against your neck when you want an immediate cooldown.

  27. Ok, I’m no expert on commenting here, so can anyone tell me why, when I have not posted anything for weeks and I write a comment, more often than not I get a message that says something like, “Hey there! Slow down, you’re posting comments too fast!” Also, why am I seeing comments alluding that “e t t e” gets you caught in moderation? My last few comments got caught, I though because I used the word n*de to describe a skirt, or because I namechecked “M*nnie M o u s e”

    Anyway, my very important question that I could not get through to y’all is what to wear in wintertime with a red skirt? I have “The Skirt” in red, and in fall/spring I wear it b*re-legged (not taking any chances here) with beige shoes and a navy top. In winter, I can’t wear navy tights and shoes and black tights with a red skirt and white top recalls, for me, the character mentioned above. Are my only options black top and black tights? Boring!

    • I think the “you” in “you’re posting too fast” is plural not singular — there are too many comments coming in to the system at the same time.

      • That’s always been my theory. If you just hit refresh a bunch of times, your comment will go through and you won’t have retype anything.

        I like to pair a red skirt with brown tights and shoes and a camel sweater. The same top combo works well with black tights/shoes and shouldn’t have any Disney associations. Or try a pattern on top. Maybe white with small black polka dots.

      • Light bulb! I always wondered why I got a “you’re posting too fast!” comment when I hadn’t even posted anything yet.

    • Nope. I wear mine with all different colors and black or grey tights. Last week I wore a black printed top. I love red with brown, camel, purple and navy, as well as black.

    • Keep hitting refresh until your comment goes through. Takes me 5-10 tries. I like to wear purple, brown and pinks with red. Very not Minnie Mouse. E t t e gets you moderated because spambots copy the site name when posting spam, so it’s just easy to use the website’s name as a filter.

    • what about brown, navy or gray tights with brown boots? And something kind of neutral on top.

    • I wore my (orangish) red pencil skirt this week with grey tights, a grey sweater, and a leopard-print belt. I think grey tights and navy would work well, too. Plus, textured black tights are always nice. Depending on the shade of red, you could also try wine-colored tights, or purple?

  28. Crazy to Fly? :

    So I’m in a long-distance (read: bi-coastal) relationship, and my SO has an event coming up in a few weeks that is related to his work, and I know it would mean a lot to him if I’m there. It’s a Saturday night, so it’d technically be feasible (could take a late flight out of here Friday, and a redeye back on Sunday night to be at work on Monday). Tickets are running around $700 at the moment, but this trip would be coming shortly after a big work push, and shortly before I’m going to be out of town for Thanksgiving. I’m wondering if paying that much money for the privilege of flying two nights out of three, and staying up really late on the third, just to be supportive is a little nuts. Don’t get me wrong – I’d love to go, and I would be seeing family and friends as well on this trip, but the primary impetus for going just for two days is this event. I can afford the flight no problem, but could obviously put the money towards other things (a longer visit later on, a ticket for him to come here for longer, general other fun things and/or savings). Thoughts?

    • Research, Not Law :

      If you can afford it, I’d do it. LDRs are hard, and seeing each other when you can makes all the difference. My only hesitation would be if the work push could extend and cause you to have to cancel. If the due date is firm, then I think it would be lovely to have a couple of days with your SO after the push.

      • This! You’ll look back and talk about how you’re glad you did it. Are you going to a ball?

        • Crazy to Fly? :

          Haha… not exactly a ball, but kind of similar – a spectacle of sorts. SO is a musician, and the event is a show his main group is doing in their home city. I’ve been to plenty of their shows, obviously, but the big home ones are always quite the event! I basically really want to do it, but I just wonder sometimes if I’m a little insane for doing stuff like this – I did it once earlier this year and took Friday off as well, but I’m running up against my vacation days cap, and need to save them for December. The comments on this thread so far are really encouraging, though. I don’t feel as crazy for wanting to do this anymore. Thanks so much!

          • K...in transition :

            I flew cross-country for my now ex’s off-broadway show opening once… and, had I not been local when he returned to broadway a year or so after, I’d have had to do it for that too. It’s been a few yrs since then and I have no clue what the ticket cost and I made up the sleep I missed during those days. All that matters in hindsight was that I was there for the experience and the support.

            Crazy is relative… if this guy matters and you’re able to show him that, I vote go for it!

            PS……… \m/ rock on!

          • Last December, I flew from DC to California because SO and I hadn’t seen each other in 2 months. His schedule was crazy because he was in the field so much. Anyway, I flew out on the earliest flight I could on Saturday morning and took the red eye Sunday night, landed Monday morning, and went to work. It was worth every penny and every minute and sometimes it’s nice to do something crazy.

    • TO Lawyer :

      I think long distance relationships are difficult enough so if you can make it happen without too much hardship, I would definitely do it. Could you possibly take an extra day on either side? I think being able to be with your SO for significant events is a huge plus to a relationship, and normally in LD, you’re missing out on that aspect. If I was in your shoes, it would also mean a lot to me that I could be there for him so I would try to make it happen.

    • It’s easy for me to say since it’s not coming out of my pocket but if you can afford the time and cost, why not. Try this. Close your eyes. Now picture you stay home and your SO’s event is over. He fills you in on how it went. You show support and congratulate him over the phone and go about your weekend. You check your pockets and there’s $700 dollars waiting to be spent on one of those other things you mention. Maybe you start planing a longer trip, a vacation, or something fun and go deposit it in the bank for now. How do you feel? Open and close your eyes again. Now picture you spent the money to fly out and your at your SO’s event. You celebrate together and you fly home. When you get home a credit card statement showing a $700 balance due and you write a check. Now you realize you can’t do one of the other fun things you had in mind because you have to pay the piper. How do you feel? No clue if this helps but hope so.

    • I’m so glad that the responses so far are like mine — I’d do it. When I was long-distance with my now-husband, it was THE BEST to see him unexpectedly or outside of our normal visit cycle. He once drove all night to bring me a Valentine’s Day present at 3 in the morning so he could turn around immediately and be back at work at a reasonable hour. It was incredibly sweet, and made my week.

    • I vote for spend the money and go.

  29. Brooklyn, Esq. :

    Are there any ‘r e t t es on MyFitnessPal who would like to buddy up? I need to get serious and looking for strength in numbers!

    • Merabella :

      I don’t have my fitness pal, but I’m intrigued. I need someone to hold me accountable. Knowing that I have to share my progress with someone keeps me on track. I was actually thinking about asking here for someone like that earlier today. I need to create an account, but once I do I’d be happy to partner up.

    • I am! I would – can we do our own little group?

    • SoCal Gator :

      I am an avid MyFitnessPal user — over 500 days and going strong. I would be happy to friend anyone here if you don’t mind being pals with an older ‘r e t t e who works out regularly and eats healthy food. MFP was invaluable in my effort to lose over 70 pounds and get in shape. I am in maintenance mode now (have kept it off for almost a year) and determined to stay in shape and not regain any weight.

    • I love MFP, and would love other friends on there to support and encourage!

      • I’m in! What are the next steps?

        • SoCal Gator :

          We need to just form a group on MyFitnessPal and then everyone can search for it and join. What should we call it?

          • Brooklyn, Esq. :

            Great, let’s do it! I’m not great with name ideas but I think this would be perfect.

          • FYI I made DH run 3 miles with me last night just so I didn’t look lazy for this group. ALREADY WORKING. There has to be someone more creative than me to come up with a name…but if I don’t see any suggestions posted by tomorrow I”ll make something up and let everyone know.

          • Oops – held up in moderation

            skinnyrettes
            Fat Crushers
            Exercise Ninjas

            Feel free to completely disregard or suggest much better names…haha

          • I’d do this!! I’ve been so bad lately about my working out habits, I need something to kick start me back into my normal routine!

          • I’d like to join too! I have the ap, but can’t get motivated to use it. I’m a bridesmaid in Aug and I have 20ish pounds to lose.

          • 312 – obviously I was mistaken in believing this is supposed to be about fitness?? Great choice of names though, really points out the true subject.

          • M-C, it isn’t fair to knock the only person throwing names out there :) Any better ideas?

          • Brooklyn, Esq. :

            I think it would be nice to have a name that focuses on fitness/health so we can keep the group as broad as possible. Exercise Ninjas is good. What about:
            Health Nuts
            Health Corps (playing on corp as body/corpor ette?)
            Lady Fitness Parties
            Uh…
            Trying to come up with something that refers to this site without being two obvious, but this is hard. :)

          • I vote Lady Fitness Parties. Could even shorten to FLP to keep it simple.

  30. Research, Not Law :

    If you travel for work, are there any little things that you would like as a related gift? Looking to spend ~$20-25. Was thinking custom luggage tags, but wanted to know if there was anything better (or if that’s a bad idea).

    • Anonymous :

      I think that’s a great idea. Others: travel care kit (i.e., ear plugs, v. small lotion, headphones, chapstick, etc). I would love any kind of gadget that cuts down on the number of cords I have to bring (iPad, iPhone, Kindle, laptop).

    • A steel water canister to fill up once past security. If your friend doesn’t already have one, s/he might really appreciate it.

      • Anonymous :

        Great idea, but please don’t get any kind of water bottle/canister with a straw. Learned the hard way that the pressure does weird things, and your thirsty traveler may end up apologizing to her seat-neighbor that he woke up and thought it was raining.

        • Cornellian :

          also, don’t open tinted moisturizer on a flight unless you want porcelain make up all over everything you are wearing.

      • An empty ordinary water bottle is better, because you can ditch it when you want space, and replace it regularly.

    • I’m a road wariorette recently so here are my suggestions.

      I have a cosmetic case that is quart-ziploc-sized but made from sturdy clear plastic or rubber or something, and I love that thing. I travel every week and I never check luggage. TSA has never batted an eye that it is not actually a quart sized ziploc.

      Speaking of liquids, I would love it if someone gave me a bunch of sample size liquids – face cleaner, eye makeup remover, lotion, woolite, etc. I know they exist but I haven’t had a lot of time to hunt around for them. If someone gave me this gift in the cosmetic bag mentioned above, I’d love her to death.

      I would also appreciate those tiny little portable speakers you can hook up to your iPod or iPad. I don’t have any of those but would love to receive them as a gift. (Will send you my address :)

      I recently treated myself to a beautiful sleep mask that has a removable gel liner that can be chilled (I assume I’d use the hotel ice bucket for this) to reduce puffy eyes. I found it at Edward’s luggage.

    • ugh, moderation, trying again

      I’m a road warior e t t e recently so here are my suggestions.

      I have a cosmetic case that is quart-ziploc-sized but made from sturdy clear plastic or rubber or something, and I love that thing. I travel every week and I never check luggage. TSA has never batted an eye that it is not actually a quart sized ziploc.

      Speaking of liquids, I would love it if someone gave me a bunch of sample size liquids – face cleaner, eye makeup remover, lotion, woolite, etc. I know they exist but I haven’t had a lot of time to hunt around for them. If someone gave me this gift in the cosmetic bag mentioned above, I’d love her to death.

      I would also appreciate those tiny little portable speakers you can hook up to your iPod or iPad. I don’t have any of those but would love to receive them as a gift. (Will send you my address :)

      I recently treated myself to a beautiful sleep mask that has a removable gel liner that can be chilled (I assume I’d use the hotel ice bucket for this) to reduce puffy eyes. I found it at Edward’s luggage.

      • All of these! I’ve also been traveling, and love my sturdy plastic bag (that is the right size for security). For sample-size liquids, I have a ton that I got from Birchbox—maybe a monthly subscription to there? I think it’s $10/month.

    • Belkin Mini Surge protector
      Grid-it organizer for electronics/cords/etc
      Travel organizers (like Eagle Creek pack-it cubes)

    • Not a road warrior anymore, but I would have loved any travel-sized higher-end beauty/hair/grooming products, as those were hard to find or not something I’d usually buy for myself, although I probably would have greatly appreciated it. Also a cozy wrap or pashmina for the plane is always much appreciated.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Clinique makes a moisturizer that can go on top of make up without messing it up. It is super lightweight. It is pink I believe. My skin gets very dry on planes so I always use that stuff while traveling now. Two seasons ago they had a travel size sample in their “bonus” kit. They don’t normally sell the little ones but you could buy a regular size bottle and decant it into contact lens cases.

    • applesandcheddar :

      I just got back from a long trip to Africa, and it was my first time using the HumanGear GoToob travel bottles for my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, and they are the best re-usable travel bottles around. They don’t leak, dishwasher safe, TSA approved if you carry-on, and they have little dials on them where you can turn to which type of liquid is in them as to not get confused. Link to follow.

    • microscience :

      I second the recommendation on the packing cubes. I bought the “e*bags” packing cubes (~$20 for a set) and used them for a two week trip to Europe. I stayed in about 6 different hotels in 2 cities and they were a life saver. I had a separate cube for sweaters, ts and tanks, underwear/pjs and an extra one for dirty clothes. Kept everything separated, sorted, easy to pull out of the bag. The GoToobs are also great because they dont leak, but they do take up extra room compared to cheaper, same sized travel bottles.

    • Research, Not Law :

      Thanks all! These are great suggestions. I appreciate your help.

  31. Just a follow up to my awful STD post yesterday. I have to go tell the new guy tonight that I most likely have herpes and my doctor thinks he is most likely the carrier (or, you know, not him, and maybe I totally gave it to him from someone else, he should probably go check, but maybe he’s fine and it’s all me, or not – who knows!). I think I am going to be sick. How do I do this??

    • SF Bay Associate :

      I’m so sorry, sweetie. What about writing it down, maybe in bullet points, and then handing it to him when you come by to talk? Hand him the note, verbally acknowledge that he will have questions and that you want to talk, but to please hold all questions until he reads the whole thing. Then sit there or in the next room while he reads it. Include in your bullet points all relevant medical facts he needs to know, including that the virus can be dormant for years with no sign – particularly in men- and suddenly flare, the % of the population carrying the virus, that you had lady garden parties with others around the time of your parties with him, that the direction of source and transmission is not entirely clear, and how very terrible you feel about the situation. That way, you will be sure he gets all the information you need to tell him, instead of trying to make a point during an active conversation, and he gets a few minutes to digest.

      Expect that he will go through several stages of grief before your eyes, just as you did when you found out. He has a right to do that. He has a right to ask you questions, and you owe him honest answers to the degree necessary. However, if you start feeling personally unsafe, it’s ok to excuse yourself. He doesn’t get to yell at you or call you names. I’d also consider taking the note when you when you leave to avoid a document trail, but then again I’m a litigator so I’m paranoid about that sort of thing.

      Love and hugs, my dear.

      • Thanks, really. I don’t think I can just hand over a note, but wow – I can’t even say it out loud without crying, either. I feel like I am back in middle school.

    • Can you skip the theory about the coworker being the carrier, and just recommend that he get tested? That seems like more speculation than this conversation calls for. Just be matter of fact about your situation and that you wanted to let him know that he could get tested himself.

      • I agree with this. There is really no point in trying to assign blame for who gave it to whom. You have it. He needs to get tested. End of story.

        I know it’s hard, but you can do this.

    • K...in transition :

      until the doctor is sure, why say anything? if the doctor confirms, then let him know that you just found out that, though the virus can lie dormant for years, it’s popped up positive on a test and he should be tested as well as you have no idea where it came from or how long you or the person who gave it to you has had it.

      no reason to say something and then find out the doc was wrong, it was a false positive, or it is something totally unrelated.

      • I would love to hold out hope for that – but the doctor said that she could make a clinical diagnosis just based on the exam, and that there is really nothing else it could be (other than an even worse virus for which there is no good medicine, which scarily she said she has seen popping up in the city lately). Trust me, I asked her several times whether she was SURE and to think about other things it could possibly be. And, after reading up on it all week and living with it all week … yeah.

        • What about starting with “I just got some unsettling news” and transitioning into asking if he’s ever been tested. I know that can come across as blaming so you’d have to take care of making sure your delivery doesn’t come across that way and more like you’re truly interested in the answer out of concern and because you want to get to the bottom of things. I don’t see any reason to disclose you were with anyone else around the same time. You could just handle by saying you do not know when you contracted it and that according to your doctor it could have been recent or could have been dormant for years.

    • Anon for this :

      You could always go with the dramatic, but oh so satisfying… You Bas**rd… I blame this on you. Probably not morally correct… or helpful. But it would sure make it easier on you!

      • ha! That would have been easier. It went okay. I just stuck to the facts. He has never had any symptoms, had no idea. Who knows. Talking about it, out loud, like adults, did make me feel better about things.

        • I’m so glad it went well, and that you feel a bit better about things. Just getting started with a conversation like this is the hardest part. Hang in there.

  32. AnotherAnnon :

    Relationship thread jack
    Ladies, I am really freaking out here. I think I have been dumped in probably the most cruel manner. i.e complete cutoff of all communication after a minor argument on gchat. We have been together for about 3.5 years. A year ago he had to relocate after a layoff and we decided to keep the relationship long distance until I can figure out my next steps (latest by mid 2013). I visited him almost twice every month since then, he visited a couple of times too. I was getting a sense in past 2 months that this relationship has no future and would/should probably end soon but I didn’t realize it would be this sudden and without any official breakup talk/txt/email anything. I know he is safe and well, not in an accident. I checked his netflix account — he watched 10 episodes of South Park while i am txting/calling him. It has been 5 days without any contact. We never go a day without at least a message on gchat even if the other person is offline. This is unbelievable, I can hardly stop myself from crying at my desk. He has done complete shutdown/no talk before when we got into an argument but it has always been in person so I know how he is reacting and never lasted more than an hour. I can deal with the fact that the relationship is over but I feel so horrified that I did not even get the courtesy of a breakup talk. This wasn’t 1-2 dates, it was 3.5 years. I was there for him through his job loss, sending him recruiter contacts, making him dinner, preping him for interviews, all the red eye flights and vacation days I took this year. I can’t imagine how I will get through the weekend. Unfortunately, he was my closest/best friend too, i can’t think of anyone else closer who I can share this with. My immediate family is no help as they are extremely critical of all my relationships and will be gloating if I say anything. For now I am going to happy hour with co-workers to get through the evening. I just needed to share this somewhere, sorry if this is an incredibly sob story. I know I just have to deal with it, but I am still in the shock/anger stage.
    Any good coping tips appreciated.

    • I cannot understand why people think it’s ok to end a relationship that way. I think it’s so disrespectful and in my expriences, showed me how immature the person was. The last guy (who I was only kind of sort of dating) dumped me over gchat while we were both at work. I asked him why he thought that was ok, and he just didn’t understand why I was offended.
      I’m so sorry. How long has the communication been cut off? Are you sure it’s not just that he wants to not talk? :(

    • I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe if you’re in an area with other ‘r e t t e s someone can take you out for drinks or dinner?

      I don’t have a lot of advice, other than let yourself cry for a certain amount of time and then focus on you only. Do something you couldn’t when you were with him, something you’ve always wanted to do, etc. I’m sure other ladies will have better advice for you.

      I experienced a very bad breakup once that cut me off from every one of my close friends and people who were like my family. It’s hard, but you can get through it if you’re determined.

    • I just wanted to say I’m really sorry, I don’t have any advice on what to do but it’s a really unfortunate situation. His reaction is totally immature and you clearly deserve better. the upside is that you acknowledge the relationship had to end; but you have every right to be upset that he didn’t even respect you enough to end it properly. And I totally understand how you feel about losing your best friend; my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up almost 2 years ago and though the relationship had to end, the friendship is what I missed (and still occasionally miss).

      Hugs!

      • I’m sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better. If you need closure and you know it’s over or you want the relationship to be over, you might consider writing HIM a breakup email detailing all the reasons why it isn’t working. Whether you send it or not, it might help you close this chapter. (((hugs)))

    • karenpadi :

      Wow! It sounds like you dodged a bullet! Glass of wine, fondue, and some cookie dough.

      Can you start taking some steps to formally dissolve the relationship? Write an email with action items (e.g., things of his you have, things of yours that he has). Change the password on the Netflix account so he doesn’t have access (that’ll make his weekend stink too). Cancel any plane tickets you purchased. Join the Dating group we have on FB.

      Maybe try talking to him one more time first and say that you need to talk because you aren’t sure what your status is. Guys can be clueless and uncommunicative. He might think it was just a small argument and he’s been busy.

      • I second joining the dating group on FB! I never use FB anymore (once you don’t need a distraction in class it sort of lost it’s glamour) but I do log on for that!

        • What is the dating group on FB? How do you find it?

          • It’s a “Private” group so you can go to the link and ask to Join, and then be approved by the moderator

            https://www.facebook.com/groups/358635250819989/

            It’s totally private, so none of your fb friends will know about it, but it does mean that the others of us in the group will know your name and see your pic. But you don’t have to reveal handles if you don’t want to.

            And we’d love to have anyone join! It’s basically originally for people coming back to dating after a break, and so we discuss everything from freaking about whether we’re ready, to venting about the trials and tribulations, to whatever. It’s a great group, and I joined knowing I wasn’t ready to date At. All. but it’s really helped me to hear from other people and about their fears and excitement, it’s starting to feel less scary.

          • FB Dating Group: It’s called Dipping Toes Into the Dating Pool. I think you can just search for it and ask to join. Otherwise, maybe K… in Transition can chime in & tell you how to find it.

          • Just FYI zora it is not private- all your friends can see you are in it just not what you post.

        • fairly legal :

          What is this dating group? How do I find it on fb?

    • Wow, that is unbelievable. What a cowardly jerk. It sounds like you are well rid of him, but of course you are feeling incredibly hurt. You deserve a wheelbarrow full of wine and cookies tonight.

      Here is what I would do if this happened to me. I would send him an email saying, “It is clear from your lack of communication that this relationship is over. Please do not ever contact me again.” Then I would never talk to him again. And if he tried to get in touch with me I would block/ignore/whatever. I know some people really want “closure” or need to talk things out with an ex, but I feel like if you treat me like cr@p I am not going to interact with you, period, end of story. On to the next!

      • Brooklyn, Esq. :

        Yeah, I second this! He hasn’t officially broken up with you, so now YOU break up with HIM. I think I would not even give him the sense of control that “It’s clear from your lack of communication that this relationship is over…” implies. I’d say something that makes it sound like YOUR decision. But that’s me.

      • +100 Exactly this!

    • Wow. What a jerk. It sucks to think about all the time and money you wasted. You’re entitled to be angry about it for awhile, but then chalk it up to lessons learned and a horrible bullet dodged. Spend time with coworkers tonight and don’t be afraid to ask for help and people’s support right now. Text anyone you know and try to set yourself up to be busy all weekend.

      Remind yourself that you deserve better. /hugs

    • AnotherAnnon :

      OP here, thanks ladies. Really appreciate the support.
      I totally agree on doing the closure myself.
      The other complication is that I was going to meet him next Friday while I was in his city for a business trip. I took two extra days off to get nice 5 days together with free plane tickets from work. I canceled my hotel reservation because I was staying with him, he knows this very well. I cannot cancel or shrink the visit because tickets were non-refundable and I don’t want to tell my boss about changing my plans again.
      I have to be in his city anyway, I will get a hotel myself so atleast I have somewhere to stay. Can’t believe he could be this irresponsible/immature but at least glad this happened before I left my good job and took a pay cut to be with him. Yep I was crazy enough to even consider that option at some point.
      I will write him one final email, say I am still going to be in his city but staying elsewhere as I haven’t heard anything from him. Give him one last chance to explain and tell him everything is over due to lack of communication. Planning to send this email on Monday. Honestly at this point I don’t think I will change my mind if he suddenly comes up with any lame excuse that cat ate up his internet+phone+ipad with 3G
      Off to happy hour at a place with arcade video games !

    • I haven’t seen anyone else mention this, so I’ll say it: STOP CHECKING HIS NETFLIX ACCOUNT. On FB, if you’re not willing to defriend him altogether, at the very least change your settings so his posts don’t automatically show in your feed. Then ban yourself from stalking his FB page (or at least limit it to one stalkage per day or something). You’re hurt and this sucks, but it’ll make things less difficult if you decrease online contact of any sort.

    • I haven’t seen anyone else mention this, so I’ll say it: STOP CHECKING HIS NETFLIX ACCOUNT. On FB, if you’re not willing to defriend him altogether, at the very least change your settings so his posts don’t automatically show in your feed. Then ban yourself from stalking his FB page (or at least limit it to one stalkage per day or something). You’re hurt and this sucks, but it’ll make things less difficult if you decrease online contact of any sort.

    • K...in transition :

      I would recommend getting your closure regardless of this guy. Remove him from your fb, your netflix, whatever else, as well as anyone you’re connected to whom you’re only connected to because of him. Then start writing. Write whatever you want, however you feel. Write on actual paper so you don’t accidentally send it or write in your online journal or wherever that’s no risk of clicking by mistake.

      When you reach the point of wanting to close the door for you (not in hopes of expectation of a response from him), write down your closure and send that. Then block his email address.

      You can give yourself what he won’t and, to be honest, any guy who lets you visit 2x/mo for a year and only visits you a few times at all is SO not good enough for you and your awesomeness!

    • I’m very sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel. It seems like you are sure he is ok, so yeah….focus on you and let us know if you need anything.

    • Really icky. Can I be a kind of contrarian consolatress? Much better to find out now than after you leave your good job and maybe get one closer to him that pays less. Much better to get cut off than to go through 2 years of therapy being told what a — you are and how you deserve to be mistreated. Much better to know for sure and not have thoughts it can get better. You aren’t fantasizing that he’ll calm down and want to get back together, are you?
      Just resist any temptations of online contact. Unfriend and block him on fb, forget his netflix password, change your own passwords, take steps to really cut off contact. It’s unhealthy, I’m sorry to say, for you to be stalking.

  33. Calling frequent flying 'rettes :

    Do I need to put my make-up, packed in my carry-on, in a quart sized ziplock bag? It’s mineral make-up, mascara, and liquid eyeliner.

    • I find that it depends on the airport. And often the TSA agent. If it is liquid or gel, toss it in a clear bag just to save yourself the hassle. I have often forgotten about lipgloss etc in my purse and only once been stopped for it.

    • I don’t put lipstick, gloss or mascara in my ziploc bag. Flown out of at least a dozen airports or so in the last 12 months. I do put in lotion, soap, shampoo, eyedrops, etc.

      • I mostly fly through big airports with fairly heavy security (Heathrow, Amsterdam, Frankfurt), and I have been asked to put lip gloss in a plastic bag. So I wouldn’t risk it if it’s likely to cause a delay with your luggage going through the x-ray machine twice and you having to dig around for the mysterious bit of “liquid”.

        • That’s my theory. There is nothing I hate more than baggage screens .

          I travel very frequently to work. Of all places, I think it was Spokane, Washington that had an issue with the lip gloss. It really, really depends on the TSA agent.

  34. another secret :

    I missed out on the master thread, but here’s mine: I got my job at my firm because I kept in touch with a named partner, whom I met through mutual contacts in the legal world. We would exchange witty emails here and there, and I generally tried to present myself as someone worthy of a job, as I knew he wielded all of the hiring power at his firm. Soon after I started, the boss who hired me (that I had kept in touch with) started asking me to get beers after work with him. I obliged, thinking this could be a great mentor/mentee relationship. At first things were normal, then he tried to hug me. Then another time he tried to kiss me (I turned my head and it landed on my cheek). I never mentioned any of this to anyone else in my office, for fear of losing my job should it come out (the man is married with very young children, not to mention his name is on the door). I’ve been looking for new jobs ever since, but because I am still a very young attorney and the bad market, I’m still trudging away at my firm. I try to avoid my boss (he’s one of several, so it’s not too hard), but when I have to do work for him, he always saddles up uncomfortably close to me, and I can feel his creepy eyes moving over me. I button my shirts up all the way to the top when I’m around him, and I wear baggy sweaters when I have to go to his office. I am extremely embarrassed about this – and even though I know it’s not – I feel like I brought this upon myself and that somehow his behavior is all my fault despite the fact that I had ZERO intentions of becoming anything more than his protege.

    • Whoa, WTF. WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS?

      • Because he’s using his position of power and leverage over her to sexually harass her, and she’s reacted the way many victims do in this situation?

        • Yes, yes, you are right. But, but……….I hope you’re documenting all of this. Is there someone in a senior position that can help steer you away from him? Like a secret champion. Can you avoid going into his office? Take someone with you, a secretary, a coworker, someone. Schedule meetings in conference rooms that everyone walks by so meetings don’t seem private. I just………I am aghast.

          Your jerkface boss DISGUSTS ME. I would TOTALLY and HAPPILY knock him down for you. Don’t protect him by keeping quiet. You don’t deserve this mental torture.

          /STOMPING AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER WHILE RAWRING

          • another secret :

            I’ve aligned myself with a female senior associate, who knows he’s creepy, but not to the extent that I’ve outlined above. Again, I’m scared that revealing this info to people in my office will result in a gut “this is your fault” judgment. I feel like I just have to suck it all up and deal with it until I can leave. Once I do secure another position, though, I have no qualms with telling one of the other named partners.

          • It’s not your fault. He’s a creeper pig.

    • karenpadi :

      This happened to me–only with a senior associate. It was gross and icky and ewww.

      You did not bring this on yourself! You are not at fault for his behavior! He is the creepy old man who is abusing his authority!

      I never reported his behavior to HR (he left the firm first, I left the firm a few months later). I did mention it to a partner months after I was gone when I might have had a little too much to drink.

      It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. You are not a bad person for not reporting it.

    • Your boss’s inappropriate (to put it lightly!) behavior is not your fault. Your boss is a lecherous a$$hole. I really hope you’ll consider reporting to HR.

    • K...in transition :

      Ok, so I know that this is a conversation on s.harassment but is it bad that my first thought was that you are officially the anti-ELLEN?! :P

      That said, document the cr@p out of this and continue to network and avoid him. I’m not sure whether an HR person could be of help considering his level of power but know that we’re here whenever you need support!

    • another secret :

      Thank you all for your support, it’s relieving to know that other women are understanding of my position. I wasn’t documenting anything until the hug/kiss thing (because it sneaks up on you! I didn’t think anything was amiss until those events!), and then my phone completely died (I was storing it on my phone’s notepad function) so those went down the drain. I have emails I’ve sent to friends documenting the creepy things, and I called my boyfriend directly after the kiss episode, so I have witnesses available to come to any defense I might need to provide. Unfortunately, the closest thing we have to HR is the office manager who has been with the firm since she was in college (she started as an intern and then worked her way up . . . over the course of 30 years, to become office manager). Needless to say, I do not think she would side with me on this issue, regardless of any facts I can lay out in front of her.

      Also, I’m HAPPY to be the anti-Ellen. :)

      • I don’t believe there’s a woman on the planet who’s never been through something like this, so feel free to talk to us.. It stinks, it’s not your fault, I totally understand your perception that nothing would come of you complaining, except perhaps you getting fired over some pretext.
        BUT.. are you still at that job? If so, don’t waste a minute more before starting a job search. You really need to get out of there, nothing else will do.

  35. Ack! DH just called to say he’ll be leaving the office at 5:30. It’s been months since he’s left that early, so YAY! — BUT, I’m in the middle of a domesticity blitz* and it would be so much easier if he came home like 30 minutes later. Guess I’d better iron in high gear!

    *Laundry in the machines, about to start ironing, prepping tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s lunch

    • karenpadi :

      Well, if you live in a place with traffic congestion, you might just get your wish! I am constantly surprised by traffic when I leave the office earlier than normal.

    • Tuesday, you sound like Mitt Romney’s fantasy girl.

      • Mamabear, this is definitely an aberrant day for me, else I wouldn’t have been so anxious about getting it all done. But, I rush-ironed, the veg are out of the oven, the clothes are out of the dryer & folded, and DH is home. Kissing and champagne to follow.

  36. career/life change :

    I’m changing my handle for this one since in involves potentially leaving my job. The details might identify me anyway, but here goes.
    I’m thinking of quitting my dream job. I work in a director role at a nice company that is fairly flexible, pays decent, offers good benefits, etc. I have a great assistant, a fantastic boss who is very supportive but not micromanage-y and I like my work/industry. I also think I’m pretty good at what I do and that is recognized by my current company.

    I am going back to work after my second child. While on maternity leave, I started helping my husband with his business because I got a little bored and he is absolutely swamped. I realized that I think I want to be more involved in his company. It’s very successful and is growing rapidly. He hired a consultant who is doing great things and is very optimistic about the future of the business. Both of them, on several occasions when I wasn’t present, expressed the opinion that I would be a great asset to the company from an operations standpoint (I have no experience in the industry, but do have an MBA so a lot of the basic prinicples are there.)

    My husband is trying to do a lot of the running of the company himself and obviously needs help or he will kill himself trying to continue working 80-90 hour work weeks. It’s obvious to everyone that I’m the ideal candidate for the job, but I’ve always insisted that I like having my own career, I like my work, I like the company for which I work, etc.

    The week before I was supposed to go back to work, I really started to dread it. I looked forward to going back to work after my first maternity leave 3 years ago, but this time, it was different. My heart isn’t in it. I feel like I would need to really “put my foot on the gas” to be as successful in my career as I would like. I need to start working longer hours (already around 45-50 per week if you include my commute) and being more focused while I am at work. However, it’s obvious that his career is also very demanding and I’ve always thought (and he agrees) that it is really hard on children when the parents both have demanding careers. I know it can work, but in our opinion, it’s not ideal.

    So I could continue to kind of “coast” at my job and he can continue to grow his business and everything would be fine. Or I could leave my job and work for/with him and we could grow the business together but it would allow me some flexibility to deal with our kids.

    The financial situation is such that he makes 5-7x what I make, so losing my salary/benefits won’t be much of an issue, and we’re pretty sure that the efficiencies gained by having me work for the business and help grow it would outweigh my current salary. We have no consumer debt, several assets paid for and only a little debt left on our house. We should have that paid off by the time we turn 35 in a year and a half. We have some money in savings, but not a ton (maybe 100k in traditional retirement vehicles, but consider some of our other assets to be investments.) We have self financed the entire company and paid ourselves back, so we’ve never had to go to a bank for money for the business.

    We currently have the best nanny in the world and would keep her, although I think she would prefer to go down to a regular 40-hour workweek instead of the current 45-50 hours we need her with me in my current job.

    Kind of seems like a no-brainer, but I never wanted to be “dependent” on my husband financially, and I kind of feel like I would be doing that if I work for his company. He respects my intelligence and ability, but I would still feel that way. Also, we’ve seen both sets of our parents work together at their own companies and know that it can really take its toll on a marriage. Also, I feel really guilty leaving my current job anytime soon because they paid my generous maternity leave and have treated me very well.

    I know this got very long but there are so many factors and I just can’t seem to make the decision about if or when I want to make this change. Part of me sees this as putting us both on the same “team” working together towards financial success and putting me in a position to be around our kids more (I would work out of our home office most of the time, so although the nanny would be there, I could still have lunch with the kids, snuggle one of them down for a nap or take care of one who isn’t feeling well on days I wanted/needed to.) The other part of me sees this as giving up on my current career at a time when I could really be climbing the ladder in that industry. I would really appreciate anyone who can share experiences or thoughts about how I should make a decision I won’t regret.

    • Would you be your husband’s employee or his business partner?

      • This. You aren’t “dependent on him financially” if you are both in the business together. It’s definitely risky, but it sounds like your heart already decided. Try not to think of it as becoming a stay-at-home wife; that’s not what this sounds like to me at all. To me, this is you joining your husband in business. You are no more dependent on him than he is on you; instead, you’re joining forces! Like Captain Planet! :)

      • JessBee is probably right, it sounds like you’ve decided already. But I second DC Jenny’s question, which is very important. Working together is really stressful for a relationship (ask me how I know). If in a couple years you break up, how will you be set? What happens if the business fails, as do most new businesses? And it’s no fun staying in a relationship because you don’t want to lose your job at the same time.

        If you feel so intensely about your husband’s business, and you don’t need your salary (?!?!), let me suggest an alternative. You make a formal loan to the business of your salary or thereabouts, he uses it to hire someone so he doesn’t work so much. Better yet you become a “silent partner”, buy a share of the business with your salary and he hires someone etc. All win on both sides. You can always go work there in a few years if it does do well, and if you really still feel the same.

        Meanwhile, get yourself back to work and at least give something back to those people who treated you so well.

    • Do you need to make a decision right now? Return to your current job, see how it goes for awhile, and talk to your DH about the best way for you to make the transition, IF that’s what you want to do. That buys you some time and may alleviate some of your guilt about taking maternity leave only to leave.

      As far as whether it’s a good idea to work with your DH — try to put aside your concerns about being dependent and think long and hard whether your work personalities are complementary enough to work together without wanting to kill each other. For some couples, it’s no problem at all. Others would butt heads constantly, and that’s when it’s tough on the marriage. Then come back to the dependency thing. Do you think your husband feels that way, or is it mostly your self perception? FWIW, I don’t think there’s anything dependent about working together as a TEAM to build a business. It’s not like you don’t have other options; you would be choosing what’s right for you as a couple.

    • Anonymous :

      Maybe this isn’t really an issue because your husband’s business is doing so well and he is making substantially more than you, but another thing to consider is what happens to your family if his business tanks? If you worked for a different company, this might provide a cushion for your family, whereas if you both work for his business and the business goes under, you basically lose two incomes at the same time.

    • K...in transition :

      get everything in writing with the husband’s situation… fill out paperwork with your salary and benefit amounts, hours, whatever else. write in your job duties. do it like any other new job. both people sign it. maybe you never need it, maybe you someday do, but it shows you are employed, not dependent.

      and PS I’d happily take your soon to be old job if they’re hiring hehe

    • I have a friend from law school whose mom did something like this. His dad was a psychiatrist, and when he was young and just opening his own office, my friend’s mom started as the receptionist, so his dad wouldn’t have to hire someone. Over the years as the office grew she became the receptionist/bookkeeper/office manager, and it got so that it would have been really expensive and time-consuming to hire and teach someone else to do everything she did. This also allowed her a flexible schedule to raise their three kids.

      My friend told me his mom kind of regretted this, because she felt like she never had a career or anything of her own, and was just an appendage (though obviously a very necessary one) at his dad’s office. So, among the other considerations people have listed here, I think you should figure out (i) whether you would be working for your husband, or building a business as a partner with him, and (ii) if the former, whether that is ok with you. Mind you, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding that it is ok with you to be your husband’s employee, in a way. But I do think it’s important to imagine yourself and your family in thirty years, and how you will feel about this decision then.

      Also, I agree with the poster who said it sounds like your mind is made up; you sound like you want to do this, and I don’t think that’s something you should ignore, so long as you go in with your eyes open.

    • Coach Laura :

      To Career/life change: I don’t think there’s anything wrong wanting to take a position that is custom-made for you. Many working parents would love to have that type of option. It sounds like your husband is building a good company, one to which you could make a large contribution. Yes it’s his company and yes you would be giving up some diversity and autonomy from your marriage. But you’d also be gaining flexibility, ability to make a huge impact on a company (perhaps more than in your current job) and develop some useful skills.

      I agree with what Midwest said – you could go back to your old job and re-evaluate in a few weeks or months. But since you are dreading going back, exploring this makes sense. I don’t think that you need to, but I’ve known people who paid back their maternity leave salary because they felt that there was an implicit contract when they went on leave. But I’ve known dozens more who didn’t pay it back and didn’t lose any sleep over it. Going back and giving notice and – if they wish – training your replacement for two weeks to a month is a compromise that makes sense, if they have a replacement lined up.

      A useful thing to do would be to make a plan for the job with your husband’s company – where do you see the position going, what role will you have? Are you going to be a partner or an employee? Write a job description. Pretend you’re a consultant – what would you want the person in your job to do. And then strategize with hubby – will there be conflict between your role and your husband’s role? Will you interact on a daily or hourly basis or will you be in one orbit and he in another? How will you resolve conflicts about your role? Are you two going to live the business 24/7/365 or will you have effective barriers and boundaries in place or a combo?

      You might think about being paid a salary: The consultants that he’s hired should help set the salary so that you feel like part of the business plan and not beholden to him. Have the company pay you benefits and social security and Medicare taxes: Yes, this may result in the family paying higher taxes but it gives you an independent earning history. You can abandon it in a few years if you wish. A written job description, salary offer and formalities would help iron out any problems before you make the leap.

      And then think about how you would transition back to your old field or firm if this doesn’t work out. Plan how you’ll keep your business contacts fresh, keep connections with former co-workers. Just like with any job, you wouldn’t want to get stale and not make a change if you needed to. I don’t think that this will keep you from climbing a career ladder: If his company grows, your job will grow. If it doesn’t work, you can find a job that suits you better.

      Good luck and let us know how it goes.

    • My sister essentially did this, though the job she left didn’t seem nearly as good as yours and she did it before having kids. But i don’t think she has any regrets. In the way she and her husband complement each other in their marriage, they complement each other in their business…making a great team for running a successful business.

      A few points, though. She is not an employee; they co-own/manage the business, though technically he is the CEO and she is the COO (or rather was as she’s now extricating herself after 12 years). They work well together, but they acknowledge that it is very unusual. Some people with excellent marriages can’t make that work, and making it work requires understanding that business issues may mean you need to do extra work to maintain your relationship. (As a case in point, my parents have close friends who co-run a very successful business. My sister has relied on the woman in that couple as somewhat of a mentor, and she’s described some pretty nasty entanglements having to do with their company and the board. Their marriage is sound, but the company has tested it a lot.) For my sister, especially having two kids, having their financial future tied up in one company is stressful. They recently lost a major client and have had to cut back on a lot of things. Again, I don’t think they regret it, but you need to understand your comfort level understanding that job stress is amplified by the fact that you don’t have anything else to balance out your financial situation.

      Finally, though my sister has grown a lot through her role in this company, occasionally she is struck by the fact that it is her husband’s dream, not hers. Part of the reason she’s been trying to reduce her role is to pursue her dream (which is to be a professional photographer), but she’s had to put that on hold temporarily because of the lost revenue from the client. I think she’s okay with this, but I know that I would not be…it’s a matter of understanding who you are and what you want.

    • I would want to consider whether joining your husband’s company would look good on a resume later. Is the position you would create a match for your skills and would it help you transition into soemthing later on should there be any problems in the business or should you simply want to go back into an “independent” career. If you think you could, I’d echo what others have said and try to make it as independent a job as possible, not just you helping out.

  37. This may be too late for the weekend thread, but I wanted to ask for any advice.recommendations for house remodeling newbies. I am doing a small remodel of bathroom on a budget, and need to get some items like faucets, fixtures and vanities. Are there vendors that you would recommend online or advice on picking out this stuff? We have a contractor already so they have been of help with tile and local vendors. I’ve been searching for ideas / recs on pinterest, but so many options actually backfired and now I’m overwhelmed. Also – does anyone have marble floors? I was smitten with marble, but now I keep reading that it’s impossible to care for marble floors. Thanks everyone!

    • Cornellian :

      apartmenttherapy dot com is a good place to look for ideas, and they have a “sources” or “shopping” link, too.

    • Merabella :

      I really love Young House Love. They have had 2 fixer-uppers and they have a book coming out in November. I think they give great tutorials, they have done everything from changing their toilets to low flush to putting in their own deck – so you should have a lot of things to look at.

    • For materials, use your contractor’s discount and go to a to-the-trade warehouse/showroom. Don’t go to “home cheapo.” You will get a better deal than home depot and higher end stuff. If your contractor is any good, he will know exactly what I’m talking about.

      I have a cararra marble tile floor in one bathroom. It’s OK. I chose it because my house is a 1909 and I was trying to stay period-authentic, and this tile is one of the few that has been available that long. If I had more freedom of choice (and if I weren’t so obsessive about period appropriateness) I would investigate warmer floorings, perhaps a water resistant composite wood flooring. I would also look into an in-line water heater.

      I’ve had three bathrooms and two kitchens redone in my lifetime so far. It’s a hard thing to live through but definitely worth the payoff.

      I recommend you get a good basic book like a Sunset or Better Homes guide to bathroom remodels. It probably won’t give you any hip design ideas, but will prepare you for all that is involved in a remodel.

    • In the Pink :

      I would worry about slipping on polished marble floors. Also stone floors with natural crevices, while not slippery, can hold stuff and dust. I know, having personally installed natural slate in my bathroom.

      You might look at diy network for some tips. Many neighborhoods have books/catalogues that are sent in mass mailings of local contractors and they have pictures of ideas.

      We used buy tile dot com and my knobs dot com for our baths and kitchen redo – ourselves Great service, good product variety, and good shipping. You should first go and look at tiles and hardware to get a feel for it and see what you like. There may be a Master Tile or Dal Tile showroom near you for ideas. Try not to restrict yourself to what is in big box places. Similar looks in showrooms can be found in less expensive lines, if you are newbie with a budget.

      Look in all the kitchen and bath magazines and start tearing out pages you like and then examine for your personal trends.

      Enjoy and best wishes.

  38. My best friend from college is getting married in November, and a major work crisis came up so I can’t make it to her wedding. It’s not a traditional event, they don’t even have a registry, and it’s also unique because after the wedding she and her husband will continue to be long distance (she’s doing grad school).
    I’d like to get them a gift for the occasion, and also to make up for my absence. Any thoughts/ advice/ suggestion on what to get? I’m thinking a round trip ticket so that they could visit each other more often, but that still seems impersonal somehow :(

    • … kinda thinking that’s incredibly thoughtful and generous. Maybe send a bottle of champagne to each address so they can celebrate when they’re together, as well, if that feels more personal, but the flight idea is very very sweet.

    • Kontraktor :

      As somebody who did a distance relationship for all too long, a R/T ticket would have been so touching and overwhelmingly kind to receive. Or, I used to take the train a lot each weekend when we were closer- somebody paying for some tickets would have just made me over the moon happy. This is such a great gift idea. Also second the rec to include wine/a gift basket/gift card to dinner if you really want to go over the top, but the ticket idea is great in and of itself.

    • Oh my goodness, I completely agree. A plane ticket is incredibly thoughtful and sweet. It seems very personal– you’ve given a lot of thought to them and their situation and what will make them happy. If you’re worried about not having something that she can look at and think of you, maybe you could supplement it with something small and personalized, like a photo or trinket that means something to you and your friend?

    • TO Lawyer :

      Agreed – I think this is very sweet and considerate, and is something that will definitely mean a lot. I would be so touched if someone made a gesture that would make my long distance relationship a tiny bit easier.

    • K...in transition :

      the ticket sounds amazing… if you want something more personalized and acknowledging of your friendship, what about a travel blanket in your alma mater’s colors with their names or anniversary date embroidered for her to use when she travels?

    • DH and I were LD before marriage during grad school (and sadly after as well). Especially as students, the cost of flights can be so daunting. If you can swing the cost, it would be really sweet. Or do as friends of ours did; they gave us cash with a note that it was meant to be put into the airline ticket fund :)

      Another thing that we would have appreciated, especially as students, was a gift certificate to a nice restaurant in one of our locations. Generally the cost of the flight made any kind of reasonable date difficult when we saw each other.

    • I’ve always understood corduroy to be a (very) casual fabric. The jacket is beautiful, but particularly because of the “wale,” which is more visible when you zoom in, I don’t think it’d be an appropriate business formal look. Business casual, perhaps, and weekends, absolutely!

    • I think so, since your office is business formal. I saw some great jackets yesterday that were very well cut and the wale was very thin (?), but they wouldn’t work in my office. Would be great for the occasions petitesq describes.

  39. I missed the secret thread too, but here’s one. I am so disappointed in my 20 y/o son. He dropped out of college, has a drug/alcohol problem, works 30 hours a week at a fast food place, and has no plans to do anything else. He has a small trust that was supposed to be used for college, that he is now using to live on (30 hours a week at a fast food joint apparently is not a living wage). He’s still at home, but moving out at the end of the month, at my insistence. His hair is almost to his waist, he does not wash it enough and never brushes it, and he always looks like a bum. I’m embarrassed to be seen with him. I want to be supportive, but I just don’t understand his total lack of ambition or pride. He says he’s happy with his life the way it is, and I should get off his back. He’s at least sober right now and going to AA, but who knows how long that will last. The worse part is, I feel like such a failure. Being a good mother was the most important thing to me. I put my career on hold for several years when he was born, and have always tried to put him first. When people ask me how he’s doing, I just don’t know what to say. No one at work knows he dropped out of school. I just try to avoid the subject. I feel so awful admitting how disappointed I am in my only child, and I feel that I’ve failed at the most important thing in my life.

    • K...in transition :

      Do you remember the posts lately about many of us who want to or have cut ties with nutty mothers? It’s because people can still be amazing even if their mothers, well, aren’t. The same works in reverse; you can still have been an awesomely amazing mother even if your son (right now) isn’t.

      Right now, your son is employed and he’s sober. So when someone asks how he’s doing, you can honestly say that he’s doing well and growing into a better man every day. Say that it’s a tough economy but he’s managed to land a steady job in the customer service industry and that, while he’s not yet sure whether this will be a forever career path, he’s happy with it right now.

      It might be that, right now, sobriety takes more out of him than anyone realizes and he’s not yet ready to add to his plate. It might be that this is all he’ll be for a while. It might be that he wakes up and shaves his head. No way to know.

      All you can do is to stop losing your own self-esteem over this and continue to keep in touch with him so he knows he has a soft place to go for hard advice whenever he needs it now and in the future.

      • Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I try to remember those things, some days it’s more difficult than others.

    • I don’t know if this helps or not, but my younger brother is now 30, and has 6 years sobriety. He dropped out of a decent college, couldn’t finish a semester of community college, and lost some jobs due to his problems with alcohol. He broke off contact with my family for awhile. Thankfully he never did anything that ended up on a permanent record as far as the law or anything else, but his early 20s were not a happy time for him or my family.

      He’s been sober for so long sometimes I forget he’s an alcoholic. He’s got a kid, he’s in a long term relationship, he’s in grad school. I lost sleep that he would die or make some terrible mistake that would haunt him forever, and he seems to be in a much healthier place these days.

      I don’t really have any tips, because I’m not so sure there was anything my family did right or wrong. Essentially he figured it out and got help and we were there to help him rebuild when he was ready.

      On the one hand, it’s heartbreaking for someone so young to be making such a series of mistakes. On the other, there is still so much time for your son to get it together. My heart goes out to you, and if there was anything I would want to give you, is the knowledge that this is not your fault, you are ultimately not in control. Have you thought about Al-Anon or counselling for yourself? I’m so sorry for your heartbreak.

  40. Any advice on how to grow a backbone and say no to someone, particularly a very close but pretty sensitive friend?

    Background: A very good friend from college sent me an email last week, asking me to watch her (adorable but extremely high energy) 5 month old puppy while she and her husband go out of town for 3 nights. She said that she’d approached Friend B about doing it and that Friend B was willing to split up the time with me, so we’d each have the puppy for about 1.5 days.

    Yesterday, I found out that their trip is actually 5 days/4 nights, and Friend B can’t watch the puppy for as much time as she originally promised, so now I’m looking at 3 nights/4 days with the dog. While I have my own place (that allows dogs), I basically live at my boyfriend’s (where they don’t allow pets) & will be moving in there early next year. Not only is staying at my place for 3 nights (where I don’t keep many, if any, daily living essentials anymore) an inconvenience, but BF is pretty allergic to dogs & can’t sleep with me at my apartment with the dog. So somehow I find myself signed up for 2-3x the puppysitting I originally agreed to, and I’m not sure how to get out of it.

    My friend is really nice but pretty sensitive and I can imagine it starting some issues if I were to suddenly say no or suggest she find a kennel for the puppy. Her new husband can also be pretty frugal, and I imagine he doesn’t want to pay to board the dog.

    Any thoughts on how to back out or get back to the amount of time I originally agreed to? I’m sure I’m overthinking this; my inner people-pleaser just can’t help it sometimes.

    • Dear friend, I was happy to watch your dog for 1.5 days but seeing as how my boyfriend is supremely allergic to your doggy-friend, I can’t watch your doggy-friend longer than the original 1.5 days I agreed to previously. I hope you can find someone to watch the dog for the other 3.5 days. I found this awesome kennel that has cupcake-shaped doggy treats for your doggy-friends. I hope you have a nice trip with your DH.

    • K...in transition :

      Dear Friend! I’m so excited about your trip for you, I’m sure you guys are looking forward to it. I got your email asking about puppy sitting and, while I’d love to help you out, my SO is totally allergic. Although you know I adore you, I don’t think you could afford my lawyer’s fees if I got arrested for killing my SO with puppy dander haha! Have the best time on the trip, I can’t wait to see photos when you return!

    • Remember that part of having a dog is taking responsibility for it all the time, even when you are on vacation. There are a lot of options they can look into–hiring a private service, kennels at all different price ranges (maybe their vet has boarding), exchanging boarding services with other dog owners–you saying no to the extra days is not leaving them stranded.

  41. I feel silly posting about this, since it’s so junior high – but has facebook changed your perception about how a friend? I have been friends with a girl since high school and for the most part, I always thought I was on par with her other friends. We were in each other’s weddings, see each other socially, etc.

    Then, facebook came – and it’s like she kisses peoples butts on it all the time. She writes snarky things to me or backhanded compliments to any of my posts or does nothing now. An example would be for birthdays – she writes lovely messages to our other friends ‘ dear old friend’ yadada or mutual friends will post thanking her for her card she sent. For my birthday – she writes ‘oops – almost missed it! Happy birthday”. Obviously, not the end of the world, but not really overly nice or genuine either.

    This is just an example, but bottom line is, I feel that she is nicer to people that are not me. I’m feeling resentful and bad things towards her now and kind of dumb for not seeing how things are between us earlier. I brought it up in spring after she blew me off for months on end and she said oh, anything is inadvertent. But, then things have pretty much stayed the same for the last 5 months.

    Just curious if anyone has had anything like this and what they did to deal with it. The confrontational person in me wants to tell her to f** off. But that’s not very nice! haha. And, I am stuck seeing her due to mutual friends. It’s like I have a frenemy which stresses me out!!

    • The solution here is to unsuscribe to her posts. That way, you have no idea what she’s posting on other people’s walls. Resist the urge to follow her facebooking. And let her become a casual acquaintance. You are too awesome to care about her. RAWR.

    • fairly legal :

      My roommate kind of behaves similarly toward me. We are in the same year at a pretty good law school, and I just feel that whenever we hang out with friends together, she has to either disagree with or slightly make fun of everything I say. We both do well in school, so I’m not sure if she feels threatened by me or something. I’m pretty confident in myself, so it doesn’t usually bother me. I do wish we could be closer though, because I have enjoyed being great friends with roommates in the past.

      • Being roomates is not the same as being friends. Keep a civil sheen on the relationship, so she doesn’t spill coffee on your bedclothes :-), but definitely find some real friends to hang out with. At the very least avoid hanging out with her socially. And start now to look for a more congenial roomate. You may not be able to change next semester already, but you certainly can switch for next year.

    • Jacqueline :

      Absolutely. I like some people more based on their FB posts if they’re insightful, funny, or share good links. And I find some people who seem fine IRL are incredibly annoying on FB — attention-seeking, constantly posting, whining, or bragging. It’s a revealing window into people’s psyches.

      Anyway, that’s not really related to your problem. I agree with everyone else that you should just ignore/hide her on FB. It sounds like the problem is more on FB than IRL, so once you hide her on there (and she’ll never know), you may solve it just like that! Good luck.

    • Yes, Facebook has really changed the way I see people, especially in election season. I have put a lot of people on my ignore list!

    • Pretzel_Logic :

      I kind of hate sites like Facebook because they keep you artificially linked to people you wouldn’t keep with otherwise. It’s perfectly natural and okay for friendships to have ebbs and flows and to pass out of our lives, and Facebook doesn’t let that happen. I got rid of mine a year ago when I realized that I had blocked 75% of the friends I hadn’t deleted, I kind of hated the remaining 25%, and I was constantly comparing myself to people’s fake Internet personas. It was just bad.

      for the too long, didn’t read summary: block her and/or de-friend her. It’s okay to do that.

    • I went through recently and deleted over half of my facebook friends. I decided that if I wouldn’t be able to recognize this person walking down the street or vice versa I didn’t need to be friends them on FB. For people I felt like I needed to be friends with on FB for peacekeeping I just unsubscribed to their posts so it is like they don’t exist. I would (as Godzilla suggests) just unsubscribe, and then you won’t be bothered by her posts.

      I always toy with deleting my account, but I honestly like reading random crap about people I don’t interact with on a regular basis.

  42. Ladies! I feel like such a grown-up. I took 2 suits and 2 coats to a tailor and spent $500 on alterations by an amazing tailor to make them fit perfectly. I’ve had them sitting in my closet for 2 years and never wear them because as is they just don’t fit. I thought long and hard about it. The cost of buying all new would be more and this way I don’t have to get rid of perfectly good clothes. I got this idea thanks to C-r-e-t-t-e since well-fitting clothes seem to make SUCH a difference in how you feel/present yourself, and so many of you have spoken highly of your tailors. I am so excited to see the results!

  43. Not a political post :

    Whatever your political affiliation may be, you will enjoy this cutest video that I came across on my FB feed:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVkfNUxRh7g

  44. FrankenEye :

    Help – I managed to break several blood vessels in my eye a couple of days ago, and I know it is going to take some time to heal…but has anyone had success in making it not look so terrible? Or should I just get a patch and start dressing up for Halloween now?

    • Yeah….when that happened to me, my very kind coworker said I looked like the aliens from Avatar. A kind side effect from the violent retching of food poisoning. I wore glasses instead of contacts and just let people deal with my extra-monstrous appearance. I haven’t tried using Visine or its sister products but it’s worth a shot.

    • Has your doctor recommended cool or warm compresses? That might help calm things down / speed up healing, depending on what they recommend.

      I would avoid Visine, except for one-shot emergencies (about to give a presentation, meet with the boss’s boss, etc.) The anti-red stuff is not good for repeated use.

      I’ve had some eye issues in the past, and even though I was mortified at my bright red eyes, half the time people didn’t really notice. If they do notice, that’s it—they’ll notice. But most people won’t get hung up on it.

    • FrankenEye :

      Thanks, Godzilla and Alleyne, for the responses. I’m feeling a little less self-conscious about it today (and my screen name seems particularly dramatic!). I have a conference mid-next week that I think I may try Visine for, if it isn’t better by then, but it looks as though the blood is starting to migrate down to the bottom of the eye, which is mostly covered.

      • It’ll clear up, you just have to wait it out. I did that earlier this year and it looked TERRIBLE. Especially when the red dot starts to disburse and fade to yellow. I just joked that I didn’t have pinkeye, but if anyone was concerned, I’d be happy to work from home. No one took me up on that offer. ;o)

        Rest assured it’s common enough that people understand.

  45. Shoe problem :

    Hi! Been waiting for this thread to ask advice for a shoe related problem.
    I spend most of my time in sandals / strappy shoes / flip flops.
    A recent run-in with covered shoes (broken in, soft leather, one size up) still left me with blisters and aching feet.
    I have curly crooked little toes, and a large knobbly bone jutting out below my big toe, so it seems that my foot is unusually wide at that end. Even if I wear the correct shoe size after measurement, the shoe gapes at the heel so I assume my foot must be unusually narrow at the heel.

    I can get bespoke shoes made but don’t really want to miss out on all the cute shoes out there. I will soon need to switch to covered shoes since I’ll be moving to a much colder climate in a year or so.

    Tips in dealing with this would be much appreciated. Would wearing a bigger size with insoles help?

    Look forward to hearing from you!
    Thanks!
    May

    • A friend of mine has a similar problem. If the issue is really narrow ankles, then a bigger size with insoles probably won’t work, unless the shoe has laces, buckles or straps. (Loafers, mary janes etc.) Pointy or really round toes are also a disaster – you need something pretty square.

      My friend recommends Birkenstock shoes – apparently they make them with toes and heels as well as sandals.

      None of this is cute – which is why my friend is actually having surgery later this year. Is the jutting-out bone a bunion? If so, then medical intervention might actually be necessary.

      • I do have bunions! I am embarrassed to say I thought a bunion was something else. Just looked at some images on the Internet. Thank you.
        Shall now try to get myself to an orthopaedic surgeon. Better hope it’s one who’s sympathetic to the cosmetic nature of my relatively trivial problem.

        • You may try these in the meantime though. I’m not a doctor, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I do have bunions. My limited research showed that bunions are caused because of the toe being pushed in from shoes and so it causes the ligaments and joints to be pushed out and the toe to go in. I use these at night (put on foot lotion, put these on and then socks), and the pain and the distortion of my toe is gone. I use them whenever I have problems for about a week.

          http://www.walmart.com/ip/Therasteps-Gel-Toe-Spreaders-2-Each/10980502

          • Bunions have various causes – some are genetic, some are from the wrong shoes. Regardless of the cause, those spreaders can be quite useful – my mother has been using them for twenty-odd years and has successfully avoided further surgery.

            May, good luck with the surgery consult. Not being able to wear shoes isn’t just a cosmetic problem, and lots of people have bunion operations, so don’t feel bad!

            I’m *in* Europe, so I never considered the fact that European shoes were better for this type of foot, but thinking over my own shoe collection, it’s probably true. (I have flat as a pancake feet, with narrow ankles, but no toe or bunion problems.) Some of the best brands are horribly expensive though. I never thought I’d experience the day when I thought Ecco shoes were cheap. Compared to my latest pair from Think!, they are…

    • SoCal Gator :

      I have similar feet. Need wide at the toe box for bunions but have a narrow heel. First, try a Mary Jane or something with a strap so the back stays on. Also, European shoes tend to be roomier in the toe and narrower in the back. Like Dansko, Ecco, Naot. A great resource is a blog called Barkingdogshoes.com. She has a post up right now with shoe recommendations for exactly your problem.

    • I spent two years in a very warm climate where I only wore sandals and flip flops. My feet, which had historically been fine in shoes, were covered in blisters everywhere the first time I put on real shoes. As in, on the top of my foot where nothing typically rubs blisters. And just felt so weird! The first few months back required a combination of socks with shoes whenever possible and wearing shoes for short stretches. I have since discovered that some of those shoes are inherently uncomfortably, but many are not. Just give your feet a little time to adjust – and then you will get to buy all the pretty shoes!

    • I am like a broken record on this, but check out barkingdogshoes. It’s a blog about shoes for people with problematic/fussy feet.

      • Seconded! I have a bunion on one foot, and was just depressed with what the doc said – writing an Rx for athletic shoes – Noooooo! I’ve never been much on heels, but barking dog shoes has been GREAT for adding style into this temporary period of contemplating surgery and wearing (yes) orthotic inserts. I have young children and would like them to be more independent/have more judgement, perhaps both be in school before I need to stay off my foot for such a prolonged period of time.

        Also – knee scooters/knee walkers are better than crutches for recovery.

        Best wishes. And yes, I didn’t know what a bunion was until my doc pointed it out.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      I have a similar foot shape and Aldo’s shoes actually work fairly well because they’re narrower in the heel. Franco Sarto also fits well (though I usually don’t like their styles). Oh, and some Cole Haans. Also, I put those gel cushions on the back of all of my shoes. And strangely, heels work better for me than flats in terms of not getting blisters.

  46. It is NOT even 9 a.m. on a SATURDAY, and I am already back at work sitting on my tuchus tryeing to catch up on thing’s before I get on the LIRR to visit my family. What is wrong with this picture? How is a professonal like me EVER going to be abel to relax when I have to balance my casework, litieagation, and corporate do diligience with all of the other thing’s I have to do.

    I have a BOATLOAD of dry cleaening that I could NOT drop off b/c the guy was NOT there when I had to come here, and I want to look just right when I have my Tuesday calendar call. I called the manageing partner, and he was actualy sympetethetic to my situeation in Saint Louis. He said Jim should probabley have spent more time at the plant then the baseball stadium, but I should still bill 100% of my time.

    The manageing partner said I have to go to court this week b/c he has a luncheon with two of his KRONIES that alway’s come to the firm and stare at me. Fooey! At least I do NOT have to join them for lunch. Yay!

    My mom is bakeing me my favorite muffin’s b/c she see’s how stressed out I have become with all of the thing’s going on. She told me I will be much happyier when I am at home. She also asked about David. I think my Dad want’s me to date him. He is OK, but his room mate is very sloppy. Myrna left 2 voice mail’s for me, so I have to call her b/f I go out to LI. At least the weather is nicer here then in Saint Louis. DOUBEL FOOEY on the rain. I am giving my nephew this silly baseball hat Jim bought for me even tho it is way to big for him now. Mabye he will become a fan, but I hope he does not grow up & wear it backward’s and act stupid like Jim and the two guys from the plant. TRIPEL FOOEY! I hope the rest of the hive has a nice weekend! I have to start workeing now.

    The manageing partner

    • Hear! Hear! Ellen, you are so right about guys who wear their baseball caps backward. That’s a sign to me never to date them because of their Neanderthal attributes–which carry over to other areas. Hang in there girl because we are all pulling for you. Jim may be a jerk but you may find David is ok. In any event don’t let guys like Allen into your life to break your heart. Drinkers are losers!

  47. Trying to head out to the big box store to stock up on non-perishables before the baby comes. (Not neccessarily baby stuff, since I’m still afraid to buy diapers (what size?!?) and formula (what kind, how much?!) and such – more groceries, toilet paper, that sort of thing, so we don’t have to worry about it then.) I’ll probably do it at least one more time, but thought I could get most of it done now.

    If you’ve been there, what did you wish you had on hand/really need immediately post-baby?

    • Divaliscious11 :

      I had them, because my sister and sorority sister made them, but pre-portioned healthy meals. They came over the week of my due date and literally cooked up my kitchen, and then made portions in glad containers and put them in the freezer. Those first few weeks, it was a blessing to be able to just pull something out of the freezer, pop in the microwave and have it taste delicious, and know it was prepared with love for me….

    • Get some diapers. The smallest size will fit pretty much every baby for at least a while. (I’ve had 6 pounders and one 9 pounder, and both wore the smallest size at birth)

      You’ll be given a small can of formula at most hospitals when you give birth. If you’re planning to breastfeed, that’s usually enough to have as backup.

      Make sure you have enough laundry detergent and whatever you use for fabric softener. I preferred the dye- and scent-free when my kids were babies. You’ll be doing a lot of laundry.

      Buy more wipes than you think you’ll need. I liked the “natural” ones with aloe. When my babies were newborns I didn’t use commercial wipes, I used the softest washcloths I could find and wetted them with water. So maybe a stack of very soft washcloths.

      Make sure you have some tylenol for yourself. You might want to get a bottle of the infant tylenol drops but I can’t remember how old the baby has to be before you can use them. You want them any time your baby gets a fever. You probably want a stool softener for yourself as your first #2 after giving birth is going to be like giving birth again. Usually your OBGYN will tell you to have this on hand. I think it’s called Colace.

      In terms of food, get some frozen or canned stuff. Probably not the healthiest, but you may not have enough energy to cook when you’re not sleeping much. I’d avoid anything with beans or cruciferous vegetables because those can give your baby gas through your breast milk.

      Lastly get a couple of paperback novels. I was always looking for something to read while nursing and it has to be lightweight enough to hold up for 20+ minutes (magazines and hardback books didn’t work).

      Congratulations and best of luck!

      • Do you think that a tablet would work? I’ve been wanting one anyway, and was thinking that I’d like to do some e-reading.

        • A friend of mine got an e-reader for nursing and loves it — she has a little stand for it so she has it on the coffee table in front of her while nursing, and she just has to swipe to turn pages instead of holding it one-handed and trying to maneuver around the baby.

    • Don’t forget to stock up on toiletries for yourself! Last thing you need is to finally get a quiet moment to take a shower and realize you don’t have any shampoo.

    • You will definitely use size 1 diapers for a while, even if your baby is 10+ lbs when born, so you can buy one of the larger boxes of those. Size Newborn (N) diapers depends on what size your baby is – probably works best for babies under 9 lbs. Buy 1-4 of the smaller packs (3oish to a pack) of these, BRU, Target and some drugstores will let you exchange unopened packs of size N with larger sizes.
      You can go to the formula makers websites and sign up for their coupons (use an email address you only use for junk, they send you TONS of stuff) and they will send you sample size cans of formula – if you don’t use it, you can always take unopened cans to your pediatrician or local food bank.
      Buy some cheap underwear you wouldn’t mind throwing away if it gets stained. Buy pads too, so you don’t have to send your husband out for them if you run out. You’ll probably need pads for at least 1-2 weeks, and pantiliners at a minimum for some time after that. Tucks (or generic) witch hazel pads and dermoplast spray are a godsend if you need an episiotomy or tear.
      +1000 to pre-made food. If you are into cooking for yourself, follow some of the freezer suggestions Kat posted a few weeks ago. If not, buy some tv dinner type meals for both you and your husband to have as a backup. Granola bars & luna bars are nice to have for a quick power snack as well.
      Makeup remover wipes/face wash wipes are great for quick freshening up when you haven’t had time for a shower and feel gross.
      Disposable plates, cups & silverware are good to have on hand if you wind up feeding a bunch of people that stop by or for when you are starving and just can’t deal with dishes.
      Are you going to have a lot of guests stopping by that drink coffee or tea? Buy that, plus creamer – preferably something that will last forever in the fridge or keep on the shelf if you don’t drink it.
      Toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags, baby wipes, cleaning supplies, laundry detergent, dish soap & dishwasher detergent, hand soap, toiletries for you and hubby are great to stock up on. Anything he counts on you buying him regularly? Razor blades, shaving cream, soap, etc?
      Do you have family or friends that live nearby? Keep a running list on your fridge of things you are low on/need to buy and everytime someone gives you the “if you need anything, just let me know” line, ask them to bring over something on the list (milk, eggs, dish soap, etc)

      Good luck and happy nesting!

      • I also read somewhere that buying adult diapers for yourself is a good idea as it just is easier than trying the whole pads thing, especially at night.

    • Buy a stack of stuff that you can pull out when people come to visit and see the baby. (We had a dozen boxes of Girl Scout cookies and went through them all in feeding guests!) Obviously, you don’t owe anyone food when you’ve just had a baby – but I thought it felt kind of nice and organized to be able to offer coffee and cookies.

    • No babies, but I read somewhere (here maybe?) that store brand baby formula is just as good as the other stuff. And I feel it is like toilet paper, you can never have too much.

  48. AnonforThis :

    No question, just a work and personal life related vent that I don’t know where else to release. I enjoy my job, but DH and I are cross-country LD (and have been for 1.5 years). The plan was for me to start while he was still looking in my area, but he’s been unsuccessful, and we’ve tapped out both of our networks. At this point, I’m looking back where he is (or where his current employer could easily transfer him), but part of the reason I took my current job is that I have had a lot of trouble since finishing grad school 5 years ago finding a job I find fulfilling in his current city. W/o going into details, what I do right now is very specific to my city. It’s an amazing job, but I can’t do it anywhere else. He keeps saying he doesn’t want me to have to sacrifice my career or take a job I don’t love, but I don’t see how that’s possible (he also earns 2-3x as me, and it would be difficult for both of us to live in my city on my salary alone, the reverse is not true). I know he wants to be supportive, but he absolutely loves his job. While it’s very sweet that he would give it up if he could find something (even with up to a 50% pay cut) in my area, he really doesn’t understand what it’s like to have spent 10 years in school (I have a PhD) and hate your job to the point where it was a struggle to go in every morning…which is the situation I was in before taking my current position. At this point our plan is to finish up what I’m working on right now, which would take a few more months, and move back to his city regardless of whether I have a job. I know I’ll find a job, but I dont’ know if I’ll find one I like.

    Adding to all of this, we’ve been TTC for 2 years (we’re at an age where it doesn’t make sense to wait longer…if I got pg without a job lined up, I would quit). A bit over a year ago we were diagnosed with male infertility, and we’ve done 2 IUIs and 3 IVFs which have left me with one m/c and no baby. Also, as a side note, around the time I graduated I was in an accident that has left me unable to do many of my old hobbies (that included skiing, mountaineering, hiking, and cycling).

    I feel like I’ve lost more or less every dream I’ve ever had, and my marriage is the only good thing in my life (even though I risked even that by moving cross-country for a job). My career isn’t what I want it to be, I have no children and maybe never will, and I can no longer do the things that give me the most peace and enjoyment in my life (being outdoors). I know that since I feel like my DH is the best thing about my life, moving back even if it means I have to quit is the right thing to do. But it’s frustrating.

    • LadyEnginerd :

      I hear you, especially on losing hobbies due to health problems after sacrificing for a PhD. I think the very first thing you do is find a therapist to help you have a support system you trust while you’re in your current city away from your husband (I went in grad school, and I’d have dropped out without that support). The second is to start being more flexible about how to do work you love – both you and your husband, but more so you right now since you’re planning on finishing up and moving to join him regardless of whether you find a job. You don’t specify field, but can you do something you find fulfilling to supplement a job that isn’t a perfect fit? Can you turn your dissertation into a book? Can you adjunct at a local university to keep your hand in the field that is your first love? Third is to find a hobby you do love now, or to take concrete steps to rehab so you can go back to some of your old hobbies, if not at the same level as before your accident.

      The good news is that it’s much easier to run a job search from your target city. I think something will pan out for you sooner than you think – even if right now it seems grim.

    • Anon, hang in there. I can understand your frustration with TTC. We’ve been down that same road and I’m doubting whether we will ever have children. have you talked about adoption? As much as I’d like to carry a child, we will love any child. Can you take up less physical hobbies? Or maybe yoga? Things may look bleak now but are bound to get better.

  49. e_pontellier :

    How should I follow up from my interview yesterday? I’m a 2L, interviewed at a mid sized law firm yesterday. Even though they’re a mid-sized firm, they have a very small NYC office (12 attorneys), so it had a small-firm feel. It was a first-round interview but it lasted 2.5 hours and I met with 6 attorneys. I loved the firm and everyone was super nice — I’m trying not to get my hopes up but it would be amazing to get a summer job. This firm does give offers to summers. When I got home, I emailed a thank-you to the attorney who initially reached out to me and scheduled the interview. Now, should I email everyone else I met with? Should I send a handwritten card to the office? Should I send a handwritten card to each person I met with? Thanks in advance!!!

    • If you can figure out the emails of everyone else you interviewed with, you should definitely follow-up with them as well. I think you’ll hear varying advice on hand-written notes in addition. I’m not in law, but I wouldn’t.

      • I’d do this, if you can. First thing Monday. If you don’t get to it, I wouldn’t sweat it. You likely won’t get a response and from what I hear/have experienced they are a nice to have but likely won’t make a difference in you getting/not getting an offer.

    • I don’t think it makes a difference whether you e-mail or send by mail, but it is nice to send a message to everyone you met. Getting physical thank-yous would probably be noticed and appreciated even more, but you need to be able to get them in the mail ASAP (as in, Monday). If you’re not positive you can do that, just send the emails. Late thank-yous don’t have the same effect, IMO. Congrats and good luck!

      • Just to make it clear — I think it’s an either/or deal with written notes vs. emails. Don’t do both!

  50. I found that my close friend’s mom has breast cancer. Her mom is getting a double mastectomy next week, and they’re hopeful that that will be it.

    I’m really at a loss on how to help. I’m obviously closest with my friend, but her parents were always nice and interested in my life when I was hanging at their house (which was all the time in high school and college). What would her family appreciate at this time? I make a mean chicken soup?

    I told my friend that I’m available to help out and talk to, (and I know that just dealing with her family can be stressful, let alone adding this) but I don’t know how to be supportive without being pushy.

    • Having been through this with my mom and sister (and myself, prophylactically), I’d say make the chicken soup and take it over! No one will have time or energy to cook, and chicken soup is exactly what is needed!

  51. Ok. I just found out that the guy I’m sort of dating has a sister who is sort of dating my brother. What are the odds that 2 cross country pairs of siblings would start dating? Except I don’t think that my half will last very much longer. Which is an issue in and of itself, but whatever.

  52. applesandcheddar :

    What is the etiquette on tipping at the salon? I normally tip the stylist about 20%, but what should I be tipping the person who washes my hair?

    • Just had this discussion with my husband this morning! He had his hair washed by someone else at the salon and was clueless on what to do (though handled it well). I usually just give a couple of bucks to the person who washes my hair and tip the stylist around 15-20%, but maybe I’m cheap.

    • I give the tip to the front desk , usually $20, which is over 20% of my bill, and ask them to divide it up. Sometimes one person washes my hair, my beloved stylist cuts it, then another person blowdries it.

      It’s a “team concept” salon and I think they’re used to sharing tips, but really, when someone else washes your hair, it is to free up your stylist for more profitable activities, so your stylist is probably used to sharing his/her tips with this staff.

  53. Any recommendations for a nice winter nightgown? My mom asked for one for her birthday and I have no clue because I don’t wear nightgowns. Garnet Hill was my first thought, but they surprisingly didn’t have much. What other stores might have something?

  54. Anon ZZYX :

    Any recommendations for a couples counselor in DC/NOVA area? I’ve been married for about a year and feel like we both have some growing pains to work out and counseling could help.

    • I don’t live in the area, but consider checking out the therapist listings on Psychology Today’s website to find a licensed therapist near you.

  55. MissMarple :

    Karenpadi, I made an appointment with the Nordstrom personal shopper you recommended at the last meetup – so excited!! For those of you who’ve worked with one, how big or small of a budget did you give the PS to work with for your first meeting?

    • SF Bay Associate :

      I saw karenpadi’s personal stylist today. Wow, fun! She’s great. And wow, did I spend a good bit of money… I think I let her a bit more off leash than I should have. She gave no pressure at all – just brought me beautiful things that fit so darn well and I could not stop myself. I asked for a suit, boots, and jeans, and goodness did she deliver. A Hugo Boss suit (jacket, skirt, pants), Aquatalia boots, and the jeans… she actually got me into Paige slim straight leg and skinny jeans. I was a boot cut girl and never ever would have believed I and my pear hips could wear such things, but wow, I looked great ;). She also put aside a dress that I liked which I didn’t like the price of to see if would go on sale in the next few weeks.

      Come to think of it, I think it was MYSELF that I let a bit more off leash than I should have. I think giving yourself a budget, and letting her know is a good idea. It seemed helpful for her to know the departments I usually shopped in (Individualist, Studio 121 and brands I usually wore) to get an idea of my budget, too. HAVE FUN!

      • Yay! I’m so glad you liked her! I set a budget, and then I spend double. Oops.

        She does pick out absolutely gorgeous clothes! I feel so pretty in them and, honestly, I don’t regret buying any of the pieces I bought through her. They all work and they all work with each other!

        Here’s the thing. I grew up in a household where clothing budgets were severely constrained. Plus, my mom wore scrubs to work (dental hygienist) and so I never had a female role model for dressing professionally. I feel like Melyssa knows this stuff. She knows what I should be wearing and what pieces I need. She knows what kind of clothing budget I should have. I feel more confident than I ever had before about my clothing.

        And yes, I have another appointment with Melyssa next weekend.

        • SF Bay Associate :

          Yep, my household was also a double-coupons-at-Mervyns kind of household, and had a SAHM + SAHaunts. I made today my Triple Points Day to get my suit, jeans, and boots. I cannot remember the last time I went shopping in a store, and it’s been years and years since I bought anything at full price. Turns out it’s not as easy to find the right basics using only the sale racks. I didn’t like any of the tops in store – too expensive/didn’t fit me. At the Rack, a clearance sweater and clearance jeans. Online, a dozen sale/clearance tops (some/most of which will go back and will be monitored for further markdowns), plus socks and boxers for the hubs to marginally assuage my shopping guilt. I am definitely on a shopping ban now.

          KP, considering you sent me and MissMarple to her, I hope Melyssa gives you some extra sugar next weekend.

      • MissMarple :

        Your purchases sound awesome! I discovered Hugo Boss last year when I was looking for suits for a major trial, and fell in love with the quality of the materials and clean lines of their women’s suits. And I am also a pear-shaped, boot-cut jeans girl – can’t wait to see what Melyssa finds for me! Thanks for sharing your experience!

    • Yay! I hope you really like her!

      For my first meeting with her, I needed a whole new wardrobe–all of my clothes were literally falling apart. I gave her a budget of $1k-1.5k for that. I spent more but I don’t regret it at all. I am thankful I had so many wonderful choices.

      You can give Melyssa any budget–she really works the sales rack.

      • MissMarple :

        Thanks – that’s good to know! I was thinking around $1k. I have a good set of basics and just need some tweaks to make my outfits more fun while maintaining the professional image I need working in a heavily male-dominated computer hardware company.

        • For that I think 1k makes sense. But one other suggestion then, and karenpadi/SF Bay, tell me if I am crazy, but i would recommend actually bringing at least a few of your basics that you wear all the time, so that she can see them and you can try things on WITH the skirts/pants, etc that you wear. Or at the very least, bring a list of what you have? Or photos? I think it’s going to be hard to visualize how things will look with what you have at home.

          But have Fun!! can’t wait to hear what you get!

  56. "Allergies" PSA :

    It’s official. We are coming home a few days early. I am miserable, and I want to see my doctor, sleep in my own bed, get on the road to feeling better. It means we are missing our side trip to Istanbul, but my fiancé has enjoyed being with his family here and I’m not sure I would enjoy the side trip feeling like this.

    Moral of the story (harkening back go my earliest posts): I wish I had seen an MD immediately back in February/March when I first felt unwell. Ladies, do not delay real medical care.

  57. anon for this :

    A weekend secret…

    I’m about to enter my 30s and I feel like a failure for having almost nothing in my life the way I’d wanted/ planned. Even the special gift I’d planned for myself for over a decade can’t happen due to lack of funds.

    Lately, the only thing somewhat boosting my spirits is to look up old high school classmates on fb and feel a little smug over seeing them working at grocery stores living in parents’ basements. Of course, I feel horribly snobby for this later.

    Can anyone relate?

    • I can relate. I’m so far behind in life from where I wanted to be.

    • K, you are not actually anon when you post secrets you already shared.

      • K...in transition :

        someone emailed me about this a few mins ago… just saw it now. sorry, this one wasn’t my secret… but you’re right, there are some parts of this I agree with. I hope, whomever the post person is, that she sees this and knows at least 2 of us out here can relate!

        Anon, you have a great memory to relate this person to me! :)

  58. I am planning to go back to college to pursue accounting. I am just beginning to look into majors. I think there are a few ladies in accounting here…can anyone offer any advice/suggestions/guidance? Anything would help at this point.

  59. can i lose weight :

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