Being Girly

Back-Handed Compliments at the Office

by Kat on 05/17/2012 · 217 comments

in Being Girly, Business Casual, Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Fashion Gaffes, Professionalism

How do you deal with back-handed “compliments” in the office? Reader B wonders…

I am a 30 year old lawyer working in Washington, DC. My late 20’s/early 30’s professional female friends and I have experienced a strange and disconcerting dynamic amongst women in the workplace: getting negative comments from other women for being smartly/well- dressed. These outfits, I believe, would objectively be considered professional, age-appropriate, and well-fitting: tailored suits in feminine cuts, pencil skirts to the knee, or pumps with a modest heel. They would certainly be similar to those depicted on the Corporette website. The comments often take the form of backhanded compliments, such as, “That shirt makes you look soooooo thin.” They may also be cautionary, like “Wow, you had better be careful not to hurt yourself in those heels”. This feedback comes from women at a similar professional level and more senior employees. It most often comes from women whom are a generation older and seem to be, at times, more about our size and age than what we are wearing. It also seems to be more of an issue in government and non-profit environments, as we haven’t noticed it to be a problem in the private sector. How should we respond to this type of feedback? At what point should we give in to workplace pressure to dress in a more bland way versus continuing to wear clothing that makes us feel sophisticated and professional?

This issue comes up a lot, and as your friendly blogger I see both sides of it: the younger women wondering why these older women are giving them these back-handed compliments, and the older women asking me how in the world they tell someone they’re dressed wildly inappropriate for the office in a casual way. I’m curious to hear what readers think about this. [click to continue…]

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Eyeliner & Competence: An Open Thread

by Kat on 12/05/2011 · 135 comments

in Beauty, Being Girly, Career, Looking Young, Professionalism, Success

So a few weeks ago there was this survey: more makeup makes you look more competent. Or so they say. This seems like exactly the kind of thing we should explore here… hence today’s open thread.

So here are some of the pictures they showed to test subjects. And I thought I’d share my thoughts (I typed these specifically for the first row, but really they sort of apply across the board).
- Picture 1: Aww, is she a college student on summer break? (Which is really interesting, because while we’ve talked about young women feeling unprofessional if they’re not wearing makeup, it isn’t a bias I generally think I have.)
- Picture 2: Meh. No opinion. She doesn’t look very friendly.
- Picture 3: Ok, if I were this chick, this is probably the amount of makeup that I’d be comfortable wearing on a daily basis, at least at the beginning of the day. That said, does it affect how I feel to look at her as a potential colleague? I suppose it does, but it comes back to me — she and I both feel comfortable putting the same amount of work into our makeup and outfits, so we must have similar/same outlooks on life. Great!
- Picture 4: This is the “glamorous” look. Maybe I’ve been hanging out with fashion bloggers too long, but she doesn’t look particularly glamorous to me. She looks kind of like the villainous boss in a movie. Is it because of the makeup? Because of the darker brows and lighter hair? The expression? This is also interesting, because according to the study, “women in glamorous makeup were found to be less trustworthy.”

The thing that I kept thinking while looking at the pictures, though is this:  expressions are huge.  I’ve worked with a lot of young newbies starting their first job, and thinking back to that first meeting, whatever impression I had of them was formed not through abstract things (like their makeup, or even their clothes) but rather their expressions.  If someone comes into your office, plops down and gives you the dead stare seen in each of the 12 pictures:  you curse the hiring department.  Whereas, if she’s eagerly listening to what you’re assigning, and maybe even suggesting other avenues for research or development — it doesn’t matter if she’s wearing buckets of makeup or not, you think, WOW, it’s gonna be great to work with her.

So let’s take it back to the realm of photographs.  Would you want to work with her based ONLY on her picture?  Honestly, I wouldn’t want to work with any of the women in this photo — they all look humorless, tired, and a bit wary.  I’ve advised this for corporate photos, and I’ll advise it again here:  your resume and your achievements are usually posted alongside your photo, so the main thing your photo needs to convey is friendliness.  Forget “smize-ing” (as Tyra would say) or trying to give some smoldering look of sheer intelligence… just look like someone trustworthy, responsive, and friendly — the kind of person you’d want at the other end of a phone line if you’ve got a problem.

I’m not saying that makeup doesn’t matter — but I think it speaks to judgment calls you make.  The woman in the third row — her first picture makes her look tired, weary, as if she is so overworked and overstressed that it is all she can do to get a shower in and show up at the office on time.  Her fourth picture (with the heavy lipstick) makes her look high maintenance, even vain, to me, because I know how much work maintaining that dark perfect lip must take. Women wearing the completely wrong color of lipstick similarly get dinged — they look like they haven’t done a self-assessment in a while.

I don’t know (um, obviously): readers, what do you think?  What do you think about the women in the photographs? And do you think those thoughts translate to makeup… or that the bigger thing you’re evaluating in the photos is the expression?  Do you take anything away from the study re: how much makeup to wear for the office?

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It’s Raining Gifts: Wedding and Baby Showers at the Office

by Kat on 11/01/2011 · 140 comments

in After-Work Activities, Being Girly, Business Etiquette, Lifestyle, Pregnancy, Professionalism

Baby shower balloon, originally uploaded to Flickr by Maddy's MusingsReader H wrote in with this question…

I have a question about celebrating life events in the office – specifically throwing coworkers wedding showers and baby showers during work time. Should these events be limited to eating cake, or is it appropriate to play games? What kind of gift should you get your coworker? Should you throw baby showers for men whose wives are pregnant? Is being involved with the planning and decorating for these things a major NGDGTCO no-no? I don’t know if you’ve ever addressed this on your blog – I couldn’t find a post that dealt with it – and I would love to get your $.02.

I have to say, my knee jerked as a reaction to this question far more than it normally does. Decorations? Games?  Are you kidding me?  Maybe I’m overreacting, but the more I’ve thought about it the more it just seems wildly inappropriate on every possible level. (Update: And numerous commenters disagree with me, with lots having celebrated baby showers with coworkers, at least during lunchtime or at the end of the day. Which I guess just goes to show you — know your office!) As I begin this post, let’s remember that the purpose of a wedding shower or baby shower is to “shower” the recipient with gifts. For a wedding shower, only those invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower; as far as I know anyone can be invited to the baby shower.  So right off the bat, let’s knock wedding showers off the list unless literally everyone in the entire office is invited to the wedding.  (And in case you are having a wedding shower in the office:  please, no games — leave the toilet paper dresses for family and friends only, not coworkers!) (Pictured: Baby shower balloon, originally uploaded to Flickr by Maddy’s Musings.)

I still think an elaborate baby shower, on work time, is inappropriate.  Let me assume, first, that the reader didn’t actually mean a “shower” — she surely cannot have meant that she wanted to impose the duty on multiple coworkers to each buy a gift to shower the pregnant coworker with, to require them to go out of their way and pull out their wallets to give something to this person who they work with, through no choice of their own.  So I’m assuming that Reader H meant a ceremonial “we all chipped in $5-$10 and got you a gift before you go on maternity leave” kind of situation. In which case it isn’t properly a shower, but it’s a sweet idea. Celebrating with cake or even sparkling apple cider makes it a nice treat for the entire office. That said, if you’re the boss throwing this sort of thing, it’s only a “treat” if it doesn’t distract from the actual work that people need to do there. So the shorter the better — the last thing you want to do is require people to work later (or rush through that day’s tasks) because of your little party.  Let people get their cake, eat it, chat for a while, congratulate the lucky coworker, and then slink back to their office to work.  Anything that assumes coworkers will definitely be there for more than 10-30 minutes is way, way out of line, at least on company time.

All of this, of course, assumes that Reader H is the boss or this is established office policy, with celebrations for birthdays.  If this is NOT the case, I would step away from the cake (and balloons and games), and assume that the shower is happening on everyone’s own time.

Readers, what are your thoughts?  Have you ever celebrated a baby shower in an office? What would you think if you were invited to one during work hours?

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The Hunt: White Ruffled Blouses

by Kat on 06/06/2011 · 17 comments

in Basics, Being Girly, Fashion, The Hunt, Wear to Work

Sure, we all know what basics professional women are supposed to have in their closets, but if you’re buying one for the first time or replacing one you’ve worn into the ground, it can be a pain to find exactly the right incarnation in stores. In “The Hunt,” we search the stores for a basic item that every woman should have.

Maybe it’s just me, but the ruffled white blouse is everywhere this season. Yes, yes, there are lots of pirate/Labyrinth jokes to be made, but this is something that you will be seeing a ton of this summer and probably on into winter. So I thought we’d round up some of the best out there, in a range of prices. First, let’s check out some of the higher-end things for inspiration:

Love the cap sleeves, close fit, and origami-like ruffles.  It’s available at Neiman Marcus for $890. Carolina Herrera Pleated Tie-Neck Blouse
This one has more of a Latin flamenco-dancer type feel to it — note the multiple ruffles on the placket.  I like that the sleeves are kept very simple, but still wish they had given them regular cuffs.  Escada White Ruffle Front Blouse, available at Bloomingdale’s for $695.
I like the floaty quality to the crepe de chine here, the wispy ruffled collar, and the fact that it’s both a tie and a blouse. This one was $690 at Saks, but is now on sale for $414. Oscar de la Renta Ruffle Front Sleeveless Blouse

Now for the more affordable ones — I think that in general, the more fitted the blouse is, and the “looser” the ruffles, (nothing overly crisp or clown-like) the better the blouse looks for the office. And even though I generally dislike tucking blouses, they do generally look so much better when tucked. I’d wear any of these under a blazer or even a cardigan for the office, paired with a clean, classic bottom, such as a pencil skirt or a pair of trousers. I’d avoid girly accessories and matches to this — an A-line skirt, a pink cardigan, etc. would all make it overly feminine for the office, in my opinion.

This one is nearly sold out at Neiman Marcus (sizes 10-14 are all that’s left), but given the fact that it’s Magaschoni and on sale that’s not bad. Love the darts and the puffed shoulders, and like the crispness of the collar versus the looseness of the ruffles. Was $220, now $77. Magaschoni Ruffle-Front Cap-Sleeve Blouse
This blouse (which we’ve featured before in the darker print version) is gorgeous — and available in Petite and Woman sizes. I like that the ruffles go all the way down to the waistband, and like the relaxed look to the V-neck collar (although I do see a top button, so you can fasten it all the way to your neck if you desire). The slight puff to the sleeves looks lovely, also. It’s $79.50 at Ralph Lauren. Loryna Cotton Ruffled Blouse
This blouse is one of my favorites, actually, even though it’s more of a tan than a white.  I like the small origami-type ruffles and the long cuffs, as well as the fact that the blouse is stretch.  This was $99, now $59.40 at Dillards (limited sizes available). Antonio Melani “Delores” Blouse
LOFT’s website is momentarily down, but I like the look of this ruffle blouse. Compared to the other blouses, this has much smaller ruffles on the collar and placket — and it’s a nice way to sample the trend in a safe way. It’s $44.50 at LOFT (in regular and petites). Favorite Ruffle Blouse
Finally:  I like this sleeveless number from The Limited.  I like the darts and the cascading ruffles, and the round jewel neckline looks flattering and work appropriate.  The blouse is $44.90 at The Limited (available in white, green, and yellow). Mixed Ruffle Sleeveless Top


Readers, which of the ruffled blouses is your favorite? (If you’ve seen another one that’s still for sale, please share it in the comments!) What do you think of wearing them for the office?

Like this feature? Check out other recent installments!

(L-all)

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The Tomboy in the Suit

by Kat on 05/17/2011 · 95 comments

in Beauty, Being Girly, Business Casual, Comfort, Fashion, Fashion Gaffes, Jewelry, Success

Tomboy Shorts, originally uploaded to Flickr by FredoAlvarezReader A thinks her look is too “tomboy” for the office…

I am writing to you in hopes for some advice on how to change from a “tom boy look” to a mid-level executive in a financial institution.

I know that your blog is mostly geared toward New York lawyers, but while I am neither of those (Dallas, Tx – Financial Analyst), I am confident that you can help. A little bit of background…I grew up in a very small town climbing trees and playing with boys. In college, my dress attire was jeans and over-sized T-shirts. It wasn’t until my senior year that I started wearing T-shirts that fit.

Making the transition from college life to financial institution was a little easy back home, (South Texas/Rio Grande Valley), but now that I reside in Dallas, I feel that my current wardrobe isn’t cutting it. My current attire is grey slacks and a button down or simple one-tone blouse. While I mentioned my basic attire, please note that I own about 2 pairs of slacks/dress pants (black and grey) and 2 button downs (purple and maroon).

I have a pair of black shoes and I wear those with black dress socks.

I have never been a “girly-girl” (not that I am opposed to it), but I have always lacked the ability to match colors and styles without looking hideous.

This is a great question, A.  What you’re wearing doesn’t sound so bad to me (albeit a bit boring, but there’s nothing unprofessional about that), but the vibe I’m getting from your email is that you don’t feel elegant, feminine, or sophisticated.  I think it’s important to distinguish unprofessional attire from attire that isn’t elegant/feminine/sophisticated — there have been a lot of very, very successful women who wore nothing but boxy suits, had masculine haircuts, and wore clunky heels (or flats).  In fact, to a lot of older people (both men and women) that is the best way to convey that you’re serious about your job.  (I was just reading a comment on an older post about whether long hair is appropriate — the reader noted that when she ran for office, no one took her seriously until she cut her mid-back-length hair into a Hilary Clinton cut.)  (Pictured: Tomboy Shorts, originally uploaded to Flickr by FredoAlvarez.) [click to continue…]

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Curvy and Competent: Dressing Professionally With a Salma Hayek Body

by Kat on 04/21/2011 · 156 comments

in Being Girly, Business Etiquette, Fashion, Special Sizes, Wear to Work

Reader H has a great question about how to dress professionally if you’ve got a killer body like Salma Hayek’s:

One thing that I’m still wondering about (and moreso lately, as my summer internship looms) is if different rules of professional dress apply for different figures. Is it ever necessary – or desirable – to hide your shape?

For example, let’s take a tailored sheath dress. I can imagine such a style looking very professional on someone with a straight figure, like Keira Knightly. But on someone with more pronounced curves, like Salma Hayek, would the same dress read as too sexy even if it fit correctly, simply by virtue of its proportions? As younger woman in the Salma Hayek camp, I’m worried that by wearing clothes that fit me right, I might end up looking all wrong. Care to weigh in? Am I just being paranoid?

You’ve addressed tangentially-related issues before, such as dressing too young and dressing unprofessionally (ie: too tight, too tacky, etc). But I’m not sure if you’ve yet touched on whether there are additional factors to be weighed beyond proper fit and appropriate formality.

We haven’t covered how to dress professionally if you have curves in a long while — so let’s discuss.  For my $.02, the notion that you have to deliberately hide your body or dress in dowdy clothes is just not true.  That said:

- Make sure your clothes — and particularly your bras — fit. First, a physical quiz.  Stand up.  Lean over and touch your toes.  Now stand back up again.  Quickly now:  tell me how many boobs you have.  If the answer is “4,” your bra and its fit is just not appropriate for the office.  A well-fitting bra will contain the girls (on top AND on the side) without constant re-adjustments during the day.  Get thee to a lingerie store that might actually carry sizes larger than a D cup or smaller than a band size 34, and ask a salesperson for help.  (Be prepared to spend quite a bit of money for this endeavor — a single good bra can cost you $60 or up.)  Similarly, look at your shirts, skirts, and pants:  if your clothes are too tight, they will “smile” when you put them on, and tug at the zippers and buttons.  Getting one size larger can be helpful.

- Know what your clothes are saying about you. A while back there was a lawsuit against a big bank from a woman who said she was fired for being too sexy — apparently she wore low-cut blouses, skin-tight “suits,” and platform heels that emphasized her curves (some of which, if memory serves, had been surgically enhanced).  I’m not saying you have to wear a muumuu, but look at yourself in the mirror and seriously appreciate what clothes are saying about you.  I’ve always had an hourglass shape, and I’ve used camisoles and necklaces to raise the necklines, avoided wearing some trends (like the corset-belt trend that was in a few years ago — loved the look but I just looked too va-va-voom for the office) and reasonable heel heights that didn’t make my bottom stick out more.  If sweaters hug your every curve — wear an open blazer on top of them.  A sweater with a looser fit can still be flattering.

- Realize that even non-sexy clothes can emphasize your curves in unprofessional ways. You’ll generally know when this is happening:  for example, I remember buying a below-the-knee pencil skirt (which I actually paired with purple fishnets — ah, youth) and feeling uncomfortable in it because the long fit meant I was “wiggling” down the hall. Joy!

Readers, what are your tips for dressing professionally if you have a Salma Hayek body?  What do you do, and what have you seen work/not work?

 

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