Coffee Break: ‘Lille’ d’Orsay Pump

These gorgeous Diane von Furstenberg pumps really called to me — I love the pointy toe, the stiletto heel, and the very sculptural topline, as it’s called. For my pale legs, this sort of powdery pink is the perfect color if I want nude-for-me pumps. We’ll be doing our yearly roundup of nude-for-you pumps soon, so stay tuned. (In the meantime, here are some beige heels for work.) These are $348-$378 at Nordstrom in sizes 5-11. ‘Lille’ d’Orsay Pump

This $74 Kors shoe (on sale) looks similar; so does this $119 d’Orsay heel.

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Comments

  1. Sassyfras :

    Swoon, these are gorgeous!

  2. Sloan Sabbith :

    Book recommendation: Underground Railroad. Read it in about four days- carried it around with me (hardback!) so I could read it when I had downtime.

    It was one of Obama’s 2016 summer reads and I can see why. So good.

    • Marshmallow :

      Yes. I read it a few months ago and it was incredible. It’s emotionally heavy but that comes with the subject matter.

    • agreed. read it in about 4 days as well. any other similarly engaging book recommendations?

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Molokai (!!!!!! Favorite book ever)
        People of the Book
        All the Light We Cannot See
        The Nightingale
        The Light Between Oceans
        The Martian
        Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet
        Water for Elephants

        I probably have more….

        • Who is the author of the Molokai book? O.A. Bushnell? I want to add it to my goodreads but there are a few to choose from

      • A Gentleman in Moscow (favorite book from this past year)
        Swimming Lessons

    • interesting to hear this! voice of dissent – I found it underwhelming and kind of clichéd. I thought Cora was flat, and the speculative fiction angle wasn’t very effectively played.

    • Lol, I started it last night and blew through 1/3. It’s fantastic!

  3. Support/Anecdotes Please? :

    Recently out of a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (unofficially diagnosed by a mutual friend who is a licensed mental health professional, in case that matters). It was cold turkey silent for a month (I walked out) but my birthday came and he left a long rambling voicemail about how he’s sorry, he misses me, wants to hear from me, but if I decide to never speak to him again, here’s which friend to tell so I can get my stuff back.

    Much of me knows I should ignore it and him, but some of me feels like a jerk for ignoring, some of me wants to sit him down and try to make him understand what he’s done and how it hurt me, etc. etc. I know everyone’ll say JSFAMO, I’m just… struggling. I don’t want to reach out to IRL friends because I know it sounds dumb to feel anything other than hatred for him and they’ve heard me go through this for months now… I guess I’m just hoping for some thoughts from the bad@$$ women here who know more and who have more perspective than I do.

    • Anonymous :

      I bet you have sat him down and explained it to him before, and he said he was sorry and understood, right? And then you thought it was solved. No – just go through the friend. There was a thread on this recently, maybe 10 days ago. You will start breathing fresh air and seeing life in Technicolor once your stuff is back and you’re done. We will support you!!

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      It’s hard. But he’s not going to see that he hurts you- trying to explain just pulls you deeper into his web.

      Do you see a therapist? Mine is awesome for these feelings.

      I also found it helpful to write him a letter (DO NOT SEND IT.) detailing all of the things you’d want to say and what you’d want to hear in response. It clarified for me what I was feeling and helped me move past the “I haven’t gotten to explain how you hurt me!” part to the “He hurt me and I said enough” part.

      Ymmv, but I also saved a looooot of quotes to my phone. The most helpful were “There is a beauty in walking away”, “The axe forgets what the tree remembers,” and “The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment you absolutely and utterly walk away.”

    • BeenThatGuy :

      Hugs to you!

      Rule #1 when dealing with a narcissist: do not engage. ZERO contact. I know it sucks, but it’s the only way to handle someone like that. Sadly, I know from personal experience.

    • Please don’t respond. It will make your situation worse. He will never understand that he has hurt you. You should examine why you think he will understand you. What are your needs that you are trying to meet by doing this?

    • Anonymous :

      It’s understandable extremely hard to JSFAMO but the reality is you have to protect yourself. When dealing with NPD, zero contact is the only option. This is not about being mean to your ex, it is about being kind to yourself.

      It’s okay to put protecting yourself above ending things in a ‘normal’ way. This is not a ‘normal’ break-up. Continue with zero contact, you owe yourself that kindness.

    • Anonymous :

      You already decided never to speak to him again. And that was a wise decision. Stick to it.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Been there, done that.

      I went through pretty much the exact same thing. I left, he maintained radio silence, I was heartbroken but moving on. Then when I filed for divorce (right around our anniversary) he turned on the “I’m sorry, I miss you, blah blah blah.” And then when that didn’t work he was a total jerk throughout the divorce proceedings.

      Do not engage. There is no upside. The developmental task in front of you is to break the attachment, which is real.

      Let your stuff go. You can get more stuff. When I was going through this somebody on here said every dollar you spend on the breakup will come back to you in emotional dollars, and OMG that was right on.

      You are doing the right thing. Keep doing it. The only way out is through.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Oh, and there is no explaining and understanding. That’s the definition of a narcissist. He can’t understand. There is no empathy and understanding to be had. You know you’re explained this until you’re blue in the face. It will never sink in. Don’t cast your pearls before swine.

        • This times a million. I called off my engagement to a narcissist and I’m beyond thankful every day that I did. It took me years to get there, but you have to realize that there’s nothing you can say, that there’s no combination of words in any language that will get him to change, or even understand/appreciate that his behavior is wrong. You’re never going to make him feel bad or guilty or remorseful.

          • Anonymous :

            My NPD’s reaction when I tried to explain what I needed from him: “I expect someone to love me for who I am.” No remorse, no interest in changing. Not even a half-hearted acknowledgment of my feelings. And he was 52.

            I can’t believe how much time I wasted with that idiot. OP, I know it is really, really difficult, but JSFAMO. You are going to find someone wonderful, but only if you are available.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I had a miserable time breaking up with someone even though I knew (and everyone else knew) he was a huge jerk (manipulative, emotionally abusive, etc.) … It *is* hard. It’s easier for your friends/whomever to hate him without reservation because they’ve never been in love with him. But you have!

      Something my dad told me once was that when you lose something that’s a big part of your life, it’s like losing a limb — even if it really had to go, say it was cancerous or gangrenous or whatever, you still *feel* the loss, you feel the lack of something that was there. So don’t beat yourself up for feeling bad. Don’t beat yourself for the optimism of loving him. It gets a tiny bit easier every day.

      • Anonymous :

        This is spot-on. I will just add that OP, I was in in your spot about a year ago. I went back. Narcissists are so so good at reeling people in and it can be really hard to resist. Please try to resist, because you are just going to hurt yourself more, and it will be harder to walk away the next time. I lost some dignity and I don’t want you to do the same thing if it can be helped. Hang in there. It gets so much better than this.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Yes to all of this. It took me three tries to leave. Both of the first times, I found myself a year later thinking “If I had only had the courage to stay away, I’d be well on the road to recovery by now!” And the third time, I kept telling myself “Don’t let that happen again. This time I’m really out. A year from now I will be free.”

    • Kat, I love the SHOES, but the manageing partner says they are to expensive. FOOEY!

      As for the OP, Hug’s to you. I know just how you feel. You are kind and compasionate and ALWAYS seek to find the best in men, but you MUST go with your gut feeling here. Guys can play us like a violin, Dad says, and he said he was a VIRTOUSO in his younger days when he was stationed behind the IRON Curtain. He said that b/c of his skill’s I may have 1/2 brothers and sisters I will NEVER know about. So in your situation, be VERY carful what you wish for. Do you REALLY want this dude huffeing and puffeing on top of you for the next year until he goes beserk again? NO WAY HOSE! I would run for the hills with a narcisist like this. You can NEVER win with such a doofus! FOOEY!

  4. Decorating Ideas :

    Helping a friend decorate her new apartment, she’s just moved in after leaving a bad marriage. She is in her mid-30s and loves tie dye and ombre and other hippie sorts of things and laid back/relaxed vibes and clean lines (so the cheap target furniture or ikea stuff in black is probably her choices), not girlie or into the color pink. Trying to help her find affordable items to make the place feel like her and somewhere she wants to begin her new life. I think she’s going to go to one of those furniture warehouse stores and get an entire apartment of furniture package so her options on the basic pieces might be limited, but she’s afraid she’ll feel like she’s living in a neutral hotel and I’m not sure how to help her feel more at home in her space. (She also has 2 pets so rugs are bad since they try to mark them, though I know most decor blogs say that they’re necessary.)

    You guys are amazing here and sometimes folks ask for something to do to pass the time, so I thought I would post here and ask!

    • She’d probably like some of the furniture and accessories at World Market.

    • Anonymous :

      People think of Ikea as college student furniture but they also have great decor items/inexpensive framed wall art.

    • Urban outfitters home stuff

    • Anonymous :

      Craigslist and other similar sites – lots of eclectic stuff. Also, try flea markets and antique stores for inexpensive things that aren’t boring.

    • Anonarama :

      Secondhand stores are excellent for finding unique pieces. I have outgrown Ikea but it’s also not sensible for me to buy the heirloom stuff so I have been keeping my eye out on Goodwill. Beautiful wood cabinets, tables, chairs. They can be completely fumigated and cleaned, most just need a coat of a heavy wood oil that can be done in half an afternoon. Go on special tag days when they open in the morning and you can get classic pieces for under $2. Yes, TWO dollars!

    • Veronica Mars :

      H&M home. I always forget about the home section online, but they have a great selection and it’s very affordable.

      • Minnie Beebe :

        The H&M in Chicago (in Michigan Avenue) has a home section in store! And I like so much of their stuff!

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Didn’t know they had a home section. Hate their clothes (not style, fit), but I like their accessories just fine. Checking it out now.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Here’s what I would consider to meld those two styles without looking too dorm room-y: midcentury shapes with rich, multicolored, globally-inspired textures and accents.

      I love oranges and reds and what I think of as “1970s colors” to warm up the coolness of the ikea/clean-lines aesthetic.

      So like, coffee table with hairpin legs in a nice wood, or even white (or for a great price, Target’s” Two-Tone Mid Century Modern Coffee Table”). Behind it is a Friheten sofa from IKEA in orange. On the sofa are pillows from World Market, like the “Rust Samode Embroidered Lumbar Pillow” and the “Sari Applique Throw Pillow” or Target’s “Multi-Colored Pavon Pillow Throw Pillow.” Maybe a throw, like the things the internet calls “Mexican Yoga Blankets.”

      Put the TV on something like the West Elm Arlo Media Console for the TV (but cheaper). Maybe something pretty can go on either side of the TV — vase of flowers? objet d’art?

      On the walls are meaningful things, like art by friends and things got traveling, ideally. But if that doesn’t work, variety and texture in the art — lots of good options at WM, probably also from local artists. Museums often have prints from shows that are going on, so that’s another good source. I think frames are a worthwhile investment: you’ll have that art up for years and years and year. And having things you *love* on the wall can go a long way toward making things home-y. On the coffee table can be a pretty thing she likes, like “Star Figurine Metal Tabletop Décor In Steel Finish” (I know this seems nuts but having a thing you like can make things feel so much homier!). And I think candles (especially on a little tray or pretty holder) make a place feel homey, but she has pets, so you might have to think carefully about where they would go — perhaps on a shelf?

      • That Star Figurine is everything I never knew I needed in life. Perfection.

        Also, um, is this your job? Because I would pay you $$ to do this for me.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          Aw, thanks! Not a professional at all — I’m a boring lawyer in real life — but I guess I put a lot of thought into how I want my home to feel! And I have been wanting that Star Figurine for an embarrassingly long time.

          • Anonymous :

            Yeah Rainbow Hair are you in/near NYC? Can I pay you to do this in my home?

          • Sydney Bristow :

            Yeah, I’m buying that now in the gold finish. It looks like it is meant to live on my counter photo display.

          • Please please please start up a consulting business where we tell you our stupid “style” and you create these fabulous vignettes. I would seriously pay you $30 to do my bedroom and another $50 to do my family room.

            When you do this, please come back and post on this s!te and I will give you all my money. And then give you a glowing review.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I love Target and my house had a ton of fun stuff from there.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      If you live in a town with a Nadeau, try there.

      • Seconding this – I LOVE Nadeau. Prices and quality are fantastic, and the pieces are interesting without being so offbeat that they are hard to coordinate.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Curtains are my key for feeling homey. A hippie spin would be to find some great tapestries to either hang on the wall or have around. If her city has an arts market or Saturday market type thing, that is a great place to look and will support local artists.

      I second the candles recommendation and will add in incense as well. Scent can make a place really feel like home for me as well.

    • Your description reminded me of a place Apartment Therapy dubbed “polished bohemian”: http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/shopping-resources-for-a-polished-bohemian-style-space-232229 Even without rugs, the use of throw blankets and pillows or textured wall hangings could bring in her aesthetic nicely. Plus, using Command hooks is a great way to personalize rented apartments so they don’t feel so neutral without painting or damaging the walls.

    • Check out Style by Emily Henderson.

      I think the way to keep this from looking too dorm-ish is to keep it more along the lines of “California Boho.” So lots of natural light and a nice, crisp white to display all the other colors. Maybe a statement wicker chair or at the very least, some natural wood tones (nothing too dark, maybe teak) in the furniture arms. Definitely a plant of some kind (fern or fiddle leaf fig or a truly boho hanging plant!). I’m thinking maybe an overdyed rug for some more color. This style tends to go for a neutral couch color and a lot of color for pillows and throws as well as mismatched chairs and poufs! Given your friend’s penchant for tie-dye, what about some ikat or hand-dyed pillows in various colors? This style is more into natural elements and color, so stay away from marble and metallics and lean more into wood, natural fibers, and vibrant colors.

  5. Cat Ownership :

    Yesterday, I adopted my first cat! She is a norwegian forest cat, approx. 8 yrs old, declawed in the front paws (I know, I know, this is awful, it was done before I got her, obviously). What items do I need for her so she is healthy and happy, which things are optional, and what should I avoid? There is so much information and so many websites that try to sell me things, I don’t know what to do. I got her from a place that offered me no real info, her vet says she’s completely healthy (had her checked out immediately), so no issues there, just wanting to give her a great life and not sure what to own to do that!

    • Congrats! You probably have the basics like litter and food taken care of. Wait for a couple days to see what type of car she is before buying other things. Cats are either ground dwellers or love heights. If she’s jumping all over the place, she’d probably like a kitty shelf. Our cats don’t like cat beds and prefer to lie on a blanket on the couch, especially anything microfleece. If that’s your cat’s preference, then get a few cheap blankets that you can throw in the washing machine.

    • Toys! Mine love a toy called, Da Bird, which is feathers on a string, on a wand. Also can get with a piece of fur – different attachments. But different cats like different toys- some like to chase strings (be careful not to leave out so she won’t eat it), chase small balls, catnip mice. Petco and Dr FostersSmith have good choices. A soft bed away from noise, and a place to look out the windows are all good! Have fun!

      • Marshmallow :

        We also have that toy and my cats love it!

        Re cat shelves, try a window shelf if your cat turns out to like heights. Mine love to be in the sun.

    • Baseline level of happy/healthy: Food, litter…that’s pretty much it for need-to-get things. Then it’s a matter of just watching her behavior and seeing what she likes. As someone pointed out, if she keeps climbing on things, get her a tall cat tree. If she keeps sleeping on your sweaters, get her a fluffy cat bed. I say wait because my cat hates heights and loves cave-like things (I bought her a cave). She also likes sleeping on nylon for some reason. And she’ll only play with string-y things, but it can’t be the same thing over and over, so I have no cat toys, just random pieces of string. Congrats and have fun!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Figure out what kind of toys she likes! I have one kitty who will only do interactive play, and his favorite is a string being dragged along the ground. The other only wants to play by himself, and his favorites are sparkle balls. I wake up in the morning and find that I am the big spoon, he is the little spoon, and Sparkle Ball is the littlest spoon!

      Congratulations! Cats make life so much better.

    • I would get at least one cat perch that you can set by a window. Consider searching for “Norwegian forest cat behavior” in case there are any specific things related to that breed. Here are somethings I’ve found to be useful for my three cats.

      1. Keep an eye out for how she drinks water. Some cats like fountains with running water. Mine didn’t like the fountain so I got the ViviPet Big Head water bowl.

      2. My cats like the Neko Flies cat toys. Check them out on Chewy. The Kittycada and Kittypede are big hits with mine. Da Bird and the Cat Dancer are also good toys. Or random pieces of string or balled up paper is fun too.

      3. If she likes string, she might enjoy the Moody Pet Fling-Ama-String toy. You attach is to a door and it’s got a moving piece of string.

      4. Keep some boxes around to see if she hops in. Also good for cute photo ops. :-)

      5. I have some cat toys that you can refill with catnip. I also have a couple of long kitty kickers filled with catnip. The Yeoww catnip banana is fun too.

      6. The Black Hole Litter mat is a great product. I have three of them and it really traps the litter well. I also got a sturdy metal scooper, although you may be okay with a plastic one for just one cat.

      Congrats and have fun with your new kitty!

    • If your cat won’t drink water (mine won’t and refused a fountain), add water to her wet food. Works like a charm! Also try putting loose catnip in an old sock – cheap and easy toy and my cat’s absolute favorite.

    • Might be that too late in the day, but if she’s declawed in the front check your litter to make sure it’s for declawed cats. I don’t know what specifically they need, but if you go to a pet store and tell them that’s what you have they can point you in the right direction.

    • Anonymous :

      Here are some toy ideas that you may already have in the house: wine corks and milk bottle rings (the circles that break off from the cap). An old sock (that you already have) filled with catnip (that you have to buy) is a great toy and is easy to refill or replace. Maybe ask your cat owner friends if they have toys that their cats have rejected, but yours may love. There will be some trial and error and some cats don’t like any toys. You and your new friend will figure it all out together.

    • Congrats on adopting! You already got some great advice from previous posters. I would just add a few quirks I have noticed on my cat.
      Water: My cat will not drink water from steel bowls. He only drinks streaming water (he can open tap on the sink) or from a glass bowl/mug.
      Food: Try to keep it variable – get your cat granules / dry food as well as wet food. Dry food will help keep teeth clean. Do not overdo it with treats, they may lead to upset stomach and reflux/vomitting.
      Special needs: Your cat has some serious fur – be prepared for the kitty to throw up from time to time (as the hair she will ingest during cleaning will need to go out eventually). You can buy special food to help to process ingested hair. Make sure you comb the cat every day (or two), otherwise, it will turn into a rasta.
      Play: My cat does not like “artificial” toys (that you can buy in pet stores), he loves to play with “real” things he finds in the apartment – strings, decorative balls, sticks, thin long branges from flower arrangements, curled paper balls, Amazon boxes, hiding in a new paper bag….
      Sleep: Our cat refuses to sleep in designated spots and cat beds. He travels during the night and sleeps for an hour or two with each family member – e.g. he first goes to the master bedroom and sleeps next to my mom, then he moves and sleeps with my dad, then he might sleep on a sofa alone, eats & drinks, then goes to sleep with kids… we have tried different kitty beds/caves, but he is social and does not bother us while we sleep.
      Cleaning: Make sure to keep the cat´s ears clean and trim (remaining) claws regularly.
      Make sure to socialize your cat with “strangers”, so that it is not shy and/or anxious with other people. This will come handy when you will need someone to babysit your cat while you are away.
      Have a wonderful time with your cat!

  6. Old Money :

    Odd question: What is the secret to looking like “old money”? I work in an extremely conservative environment. Grew up poor and feel this may keep me from reaching the top career level.

    • anonymous :

      not odd at all. I also am interested in hearing answers.

    • Anonymous :

      Avoid lots of labels. Upgrade your handbag first (think solid black leather, not something with LV stamped all over it). Invest in a few quality accessories – gold hoop earrings, simple gold necklace etc.

      Simple, well cut clothing – better something less expensive tailored to fit vs. something ill fitting.

      Try not to feel too self-conscious about growing up poor. You have achieved a lot more than many of colleagues to reach your current position.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        I absolutely agree – a black leather bag from a statement brand without a lot of extras is a great first step (think Gucci or Mulberry). Easy fix.

        Less easy, but almost more important, is just acting like you know you belong.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Oh my gawd. I had never heard of Mulberry (obvi not Old Money) and now I want All The Bags…

          • Never too many shoes... :

            I feel like I am just enabling everyone’s bag addiction this week…

          • Yeah, I don’t know if you saw my late response the other day but you’re totally enabling my Bottega Venetia fixation.

          • Senior Attorney :

            Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

      • Anonymous :

        Consignment shops can be a great place to get better quality items for less. Think Hermes black leather scarf, Gucci belt. You don’t need a ton – just a few classic pieces.

        I think there was a biography called The Glass House that talked about growing up poor and becoming financial well-off? I forget the author but that might be an interesting read for you.

        • Anonymous :

          argh – Hermes leather belt, Gucci scarf. Do not buy a leather scarf – even if it is Hermes.

        • brokentoe :

          One of my all time favorite books. Not sure how it would help the OP, but had to chime in to say it’s an amazing book!

          • Anonymous :

            It’s been a while but I feel like the author talked about how she ‘passed’ as well off?

          • Glass House or Glass Castle?

            The author grew up very poor and is now well-off, and talks about how she feels about that, but not sure about practical tips.

          • Anonymous :

            The Glass Castle. It’s a great book, but it’s pretty much all focused on her poor and abusive upbringing. I don’t remember much discussion of passing herself off as wealthier than she was. And I think the extent she was trying to blend in, it was as a person who had a stable, upper-middle class upbringing, not as “old money” wealthy, which, at least to me, is way wealthier and fancier than just normal upper-middle class. My family was very comfortable and I never wanted for anything but my parents are definitely not “old money.”

          • Anonymous :

            Yeah, her parents were mentally ill Her situation wasn’t really that she was poor, but that her parents were abusive/neglectful due to being crazy.

      • Baconpancakes :

        Not sure I’d suggest hoops – maybe huggies. Studs are the classic, though.

        Classics are pretty old money. Tailoring helps a lot. Personally I love the trend towards more professional women with piercings and visible tattoos, but they’re definitely not old money. Take care of your skin. Get active – old money women usually have some kind of athletic hobby. And honestly, just get comfortable with money and people who have it. Not being easily impressed by luxury, but being pragmatic about it, is pretty classically old money. Being unyieldingly firm, but unfailingly polite, indicates that you’re used to getting what you ask for, but you hold yourself to a high standard of politeness.

        But truly believing that you are just as good as people who grew up with money, that you deserve whatever luxury you enjoy, and refusing to let anyone make you feel poor, is what will help most.

        My mother was fond of saying that there’s a difference between being broke and being poor, and that having no money wasn’t an excuse for not holding ourselves to a higher standard. You’re worthy of what you’ve accomplished.

        • Anonymous :

          Yes – I was thinking small hoops like huggie sized or slightly larger. I prefer a gold hoop/huggie over a stud, but a stud when diamonds but that’s probably a personal preference.

          For reference, my paternal grandmother grew up without much at all. After she passed, many people commented at church how she was a true lady – she was always neatly and simply dressed, her clothes fit well (she sewed a lot) and she was very good at the unyieldingly firm but unfailingly polite – none of these things cost money.

        • Anonymous :

          I read that having your nails done was NOT old money, because old money women are busy with hobbies, golf, gardening, volunteering, so didn’t mess with nails.

          • Anonymous :

            This. Longish or intricately polished nails don’t hold up at the barn with the horses or when sailing on the weekend. Shortish, no polish or neutral polish reads more old money.

          • Short nails, neutral polish. Essie ballet slippers or something similar.

          • Frozen Peach :

            +1

        • I think I’m going to adopt “be unyieldingly firm yet unfailingly polite” as one of my life mottos.

    • It’s old now, and a little outdated, but John Molloy New Women’s Dress for Success is not a bad place to start! The specifics are outdated but general concepts are good. I love that he tested focus groups to get the info, I’m a data nerd. One of the suggestions- go to a very expensive conservative store that also sells menswear and look to train your eye for fabrics/ colors (harder now that Brooks Brothers has gone a little nuts).

      • Baconpancakes :

        Re: fabrics, I heard somewhere that people with new money want the best so that everyone else knows they have money, while people with old money want the best so that they always know they have it – ie, wearing visible logos vs. wearing high quality fabrics tailored perfectly. Think subtle luxury, something that is good quality (that will usually be expensive) but that will last for a long time. Many of the mid-range brands fall into this category, like D&B and (some) Coach. Spend money on services like a great hair stylist, facial, nails, instead of buying something new.

    • Anonymous :

      Quality over quantity.

    • Marshmallow :

      Not an odd question. Also in this situation and reading the answers with interest.

    • Anonymous :

      Get an expensive haircut. When you shop, buy natural fibers — avoid polyester emporiums like H&M or AT Loft. Classics over trends. Be unfailingly polite but direct. Have good posture and look people in the eye. No uptalk or vocal fry.

    • Middle class, Old Money adjacent :

      Look at the web page for Halsbrook. Classic clothing of good material with a simple cut, tailored to fit you if necessary. Fewer, better accessories. Lower heeled pumps if you wear heels. No real bling unless it’s a black or white tie event. In my neck of the woods, Target for weekend casual, because old money doesn’t blow money. FWIW, I’m in the mid-south. There will be some regional variation. Try to find a church consignment sale in the wealthy part of town, it will be a gold mine.

      • Anonarama :

        Awesome points, I love the idea of the church consignment sale.

      • With love, Muffy :

        Yes — old money is very paid-off older Volvo or Suburban (you know, for going to your country and/or beach house). It is quiet money. Like the opposite of Eddy Monsoon on Ab Fab.

        • Anonymous :

          or occasionally an old Land Rover (circa 1980’s, 1990’s, before new money took over the Rovers)

      • Frozen Peach :

        The Junior League thrift stores are also AMAZING for this type of shopping. I learned recently that the chapter in my city actually has a minimum requirement for donations every year for their members– which totally explains why there’s so much stuff with tags still on!

        • With love, Muffy :

          Yes — I found a Gucci scarf and an Akris sweater at my JL thrift shop and it was like I died and went to Greenwich :)

        • If you are in ATL, the NN is closing this spring! Get thee over there before the stuff is gone!

          • Frozen Peach :

            WHUT NO OMG THIS IS TERRIBLE

          • Girl, I can clue you in on my consignment secret weapon in ATL. My closet is full of St. John, Akris, and Valentino and it all comes from one place…email me at my name at gmail if you want the details!

    • Anonymous :

      I can’t believe no one has mentioned the Official Preppy Handbook….satirical but lots of truth in there.

    • I like the book How to Look Expensive. It’s mostly about hair and makeup but she talks about the subtle differences between looking expensive and just looking like you spent a bunch of money. I also loved her hairstyle descriptions.

      • Nudibranch :

        Which one? There are six different authors listed with variations of that title on GoodReads.

    • With love, Muffy :

      Just read The Preppy Handbook (or its newer version, True Prep) and watch Love Story and read the blog “Amid Privilege”

    • Sassyfras :

      I’m in the same position. Haven’t had time to read it yet, but there’s a book on my to-read list that is called Limbo: Blue-Collar Roots, White Collar Dreams. It shares the author’s experience and others that he has interviewed who face the same predicament.

      • Oooh this sounds fascinating, this is exactly my background!

      • Marshmallow :

        Hillbilly Elegy also touches on this, albeit from a male perspective. I identified with basically every detail of his law school experience, from not knowing the power of networking right down to “holy crap, what fork do I use.”

      • Interesting. My background is more working class/urban and now solidly upper middle class…and still feel like I’m play acting very often.

    • So I guess I’d turn the question back to you a little bit. It’s likely that most of the people in your environment aren’t from the kind of background people think about when they say “old money,” because, frankly, those people tend not to work in professional services or really in normal jobs at all (e.g., men will tend to dabble in investment banks – mostly going to lunch at nice places to “network” – and women will dabble in starting natural cosmetic lines – mostly going to lunch at nice places to “network”). Frankly, there isn’t an old money model for professional presentation for women, because women don’t really work in those types of families, or if they do, they’re not in traditional jobs. (My ex-husband worked in private equity and raised a lot of money from family offices, so this was a world I spent a fair amount of time in at one point.)

      I’m guessing that the people you work with are more like WASP-y Wall Street lawyers/finance people, but from families that have been that way for multiple generations. So the well-established professional class, not the “descendants of the Upper Ten Thousand” class. Does that sound accurate?

      Either way, I think that a lot of the advice is on point for a conservative work environment. If you really are trying to figure out how to fit in with people who’ve owned their estate on Georgica Pond since the 1940s, then that’s a whole different thing and doesn’t have much to do with how you present at work.

      • This.

      • ^yes, agree w this. It’s like a line in some book… True Prep, maybe? that says something like “old money people aren’t accountants, they have accountants.” Paul Fussell also talks about this in his class book. The people you think of as “upper class” are really upper middle class. You don’t see the truly upper class.

        • Anonymous :

          The truly upperclass people are invisible and sometimes are indistinguishable from thrifty plain people. There is generally a tell somewhere (like the parking pass for a country club or a resident parking sticker / beach access pass), but it’s subtle and not shouting.

          Also, lots of eccentricities, esp. re their old people (like they are still wearing their old Brooks Brothers blazers, but the elbows are patched).

          Just read the Preppy Handbook!

        • Paul Fussell’s book is a classic and still spot-on.

      • Baconpancakes :

        Sure, but there are the people whose family has had wings named after them at their private school, and whose families have always been The Right People, but who still expect to have a career, and people whose parents are the first to get a job that isn’t manual labor.

      • Honestly, this is not necessarily true.

        Where I’m from, some of the richest people drive the most beat-up cars. They have full-time jobs. They’re quiet and unassuming. It’s the newer rich people who drive fancy cars.

        Old Money shops at TJMaxx, serves triscuits and cheddar and almaden. Baconpancakes describes the people I know.

        • Anonymous :

          +1000 to triscuits and cheddar

        • I didn’t say anything about fancy cars, so not sure if this is a response to me? But the level of established wealth that I think of when someone says old money (say, for example, someone who is a Vanderbilt grandchild or Shriver family member or Roosevelt cousin)…very few of those people I’ve known have had real jobs. They’re not ostentatious at all, and they’re all technically employed in some fashion or another, but they’re sure as heck not billing 2200 hours a year at a Wall Street law firm or anything like that.

    • Anonymous :

      There’s an ooollld book by Leah Feldon called Dressing Rich, it’s still available on Amazon. It’s dated but great for learning fundamentals of classic, understated style. I bought it when I started out in my career and had a job where I was surrounded by “Old Money” and I think it helped me tremendously.

    • One suggestion that I haven’t seen is that if you go out for meals, brush up on food manners. (I am in no way suggesting that those without money do not have manners, but I know that it was beaten into me as a child.) Honestly, I’m not sure where to look for a run down of things, but it would be worth looking into and ensuring your own comfort in that arena.

      • Anonymous :

        Very good point. Also, old money would not be intimidated by multiple kinds of glassware, different forks, etc.

        I think of Leo in Titanic having dinner with the rich crowd. :)

      • I’d also train yourself to eat ‘continental style’ if possible. I picked it up when studying abroad in college and noticed while working that almost none of my co-workers swap their fork/knife (at least when eating out for work!).

    • I thought the book “Class” by Paul Fussell was fascinating. It’s from the 80s but it’s amazing how relevant it is to today in describing differences in the classes. Also loved the Official Preppy Handbook. Also pretty dated, but good for understanding basics. True Prep is a little more basic/new money.

      I come from a weird blended class family that had a lot of money on one side and poverty on the other. I grew up going to the Episcopal church and Episcopal summer camp in the south. I went to an expensive liberal arts college. I don’t consider myself to be old money, but I can spot it since I’ve been around it all my life.

      Old Money:
      – not being afraid to eat a wide variety of foods, and knowing the “correct” way (e.g. you need to know that you order a tuna steak rare)
      – this kind of…. wabi sabi thing? like all these super rich boys I knew had totally busted broken down boat shoes and worn in khakis.
      – no flashy jewelry. you can have a nice good big diamond, but the rest of your jewelry should be understated
      – no big flashy logos. check out cuyana. check out local boutiques when you go shopping.
      – not giving a f&ck what other people thing. why should you?
      – knowing how to pronounce foreign words
      – natural looks and very good hair. not a ton of obvious makeup.
      – play tennis or golf or do some kind of athletic thing, remain thin as you age
      – have a lot of old things– old china, old silver, old rugs

      Not Old Money:
      – anything that looks unnatural. A weird hair color that doesn’t suit your complexion. Grown out roots. Nails that are too done.
      – being ostentatious. This is like a big flashing “new money” beacon to me. There’s no reason you need to show off. Showing off is insecure. If you are insecure, tell your therapist, not your coworkers.
      – a brand new luxury vehicle. A 10 year old mercedes is so much more old money than a new one.

      • Anonymous :

        But if you’re the black sheep / Artsy Cousin, you can have purple hair.

        I think the Preppy Handbook covers this — the Bohemian Preppies (or some such).

        Signed,
        Went to a boarding school you only tended to go to after getting kicked out (itself a preppy thing) of a better boarding school like Lawrenceville

        • Anonymous :

          Hahaha. Getting kicked out of prep school (for a harmless hijink, of course) is classic.

          • Happened to my mother – kicked out of boarding school in junior year for a harmless hijink I won’t name!

    • Anonymous :

      I think it was the book Luckiest Girl Alive that taught me old money says, after meeting someone for the first time, “Nice to see you” not “Nice to meet you.” I can’t bring myself to say it though because it sounds odd to my no-money ears.

      • I do this! Not because I’m Old Money but because I’m president of my church and I meet dozens of people very quickly each Sunday–and try though I might, I don’t always remember everyone every time. (Especially if they aren’t there every week.) I trained myself to always say “Nice to see you” (or similar) in order to avoid making it obvious that I have forgotten a previous introduction.

      • Delta Dawn :

        I always, always say “nice to see you” instead of “nice to meet you” because I am usually concerned that I may have met the person before.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I generally do this, too.

        Of course, this weekend I introduced myself to somebody at a party and she said “Oh, we’ve met. At your wedding!”

        Gah…

      • Anonymous :

        ahhh, I see. So it’s more old-money hyper-politeness? When I heard this the first time, I thought it was more of an old-money uber-casual thing. Anyway, it still seems weird to me to say “nice to see you” when you’ve never seen this person before (assuming you haven’t…SA’s story is hilarious).

    • Oh my gosh, baconpancakes’ “unyieldingly firm, but unfailingly polite” is SO it.

      I grew up middle class, but went to an affluent private school and was ALWAYS so self-conscious about having the right clothes and fitting in. I quickly learned that it’s not about the labels or whether an item is ACTUALLY by the right designer, but whether it just LOOKS like it is. To wit: a couple years ago I was out one summer day with the country club set (I mean, these women had cable knit sweaters tied around their shoulders – I snorted to myself HARD – they looked like extras in a ’90s movie, but who am I?) and I was wearing the prettiest blue and white floral maxi dress. When they asked where it was from and I said Old Navy, they practically spit out their crab cakes. My point is, you can wear inexpensive clothing and look expensive by being understated and put together.

      Ninety percent of the time, the only jewelry I wear is a classic silver link watch and pearl earrings; my makeup is always done but tastefully; my hair is always blown out; and my nails are short and manicured. I don’t think you have to live and die by neutrals – I’m known for a red lip (being southern, I’ve heard more than enough southern mamas tell their daughters they look dead without some color on haha) and red nails. But I’ve got $150k in SL debt, drive an 11 year old Jetta, and live in a 75 year old condo with cracked tile in the bathroom LOL.

      Just pay attention to what you’re wearing. You’ll never see someone from money with wrinkled clothes, a fallen hem, shoes in need of a cobbler, threads on their sleeve, etc. If you look put together, it really doesn’t have to cost a fortune.

      I think there are a lot of pinterest pins that show rich looks that you actually can achieve at reasonably priced stores. My icon for a couple years was Olivia Palermo…on an Old Navy budget.

      Good luck! I know how hard it is and that it’s achievable.

      • Funny, but that’s actually a good indicator that you were talking to the new rich, not the old rich. Because the old rich LOVE bargains. It is like a weird thing with them.

        • Anonymous :

          Yes, I think this isn’t really an example of old money. Anon, you actually can’t wear inexpensive clothes and look expensive…old-money can tell. Pro tip: an Old Navy maxi dress in any color is not “understated.” It’s a maxi dress.

        • Yes, old money is almost mistakable for ‘drifter.’ Like cbackson said above, truly old money you might not even recognize. All this being said, I think the hardest thing to fake in trying to ‘break in’ is how they know everyone. There is a lot of “He knows so-and-so from school and their wives knew each other from summer camp, too!” It is an automatic network. Because they grew up around this, they also know how to work it and grow the network if or when they themselves take jobs.

          OP- present yourself in a nice and simple way that is true to you, be confident, friendly, and polite. If you understand basic etique++e, you are fine!

        • Exactly. They shop at TJMaxx and Filene’s Basement and the Job Lot (local thing). And they often have loose hems, especially on khaki shorts. Bermuda hats and boat shoes with duct tape, etc.

          And the pastel sweaters tied around the neck is something that would make the crowd I know laugh, but that might be more of a regional NE sailing thing.

        • +100. My old money aunt has a sailboat, skis, belongs to a yacht club, and lives in a house from 1750, but does 95% of her shopping at Marshall’s and consignment stores. Everything fits her well and is mended if needed. She has worn the same jackets from LL Bean or Barbour (through consignment) for 20+ years!

    • In addition to the tips above, I’ve found that if 75% of what you wear is ‘real’ – good quality leather handbags and shoes, nice coat, good watch/earrings/rings, then you can easily sub in cheaper brands without anyone batting an eye. I’ve had colleagues offhand assume my cubic zirconia earrings are real, my leather work bag was Celine or Mulberry, my scarves are all Hermes,etc. etc.
      One thing you may also need to seriously think about is joining a club for your professional development. A LOT of socializing takes place at county/tennis/swim/rowing/boating/clubs or stables. Goes along with the theory that older money tends to spend on experiences (clubs, private schools, vacations overseas) and things that last instead of flashy new labels/cars.

    • Half of my family is old money (not mega-rich old, New England prep old). Some things I’ve ALWAYS noticed:

      – Spend money on expensive activities, but not ostentatiously. Thinking skiing every year in New Hampshire or Vermont, not in Gstaad. Own a sailboat, but don’t owe a yacht. Don’t own a powerboat.
      – Shop for designer pieces, but at consignment stores. Wear family items.
      – Your furniture is all well-made because most of it is antique. If not antique, it’s solid wood.
      – Home design is centered around the items you’ve inherited, not items you’ve purchased. This includes art, furniture, and items of interest, such as ship models.
      – Have a few nice purses (3-5). You don’t need more.
      – Be active and fit through your life and activities, not through being a gym rat.
      – Natural hair colors, even if dyed, ALWAYS
      – Nails are okay, but not super long fakes. Fake is not preferred at all.
      – Wear clothes that are practical for the weather (this is a big one). No ridiculous trendy puffer jackets when a light Barbour will do.
      – Don’t drive flashy cars and don’t have a car loan. Buying a lightly used Subaru or Volvo is perfect.

      Super interesting!

    • Forgot to add to my previous post (New England prep), but clothing FIT is huge. Nothing is ever super sheer/cheap and nothing is ever too tight. Tight skinny jeans and skintight stretch T-shirt = major no. This is unspoken, of course, but you simply don’t see it.

    • I am super interested to hear what people say too. I’ve had 2 people ask me (which is rude IMO) recently if I came from money, which I don’t. Maybe it’s what I wear? I do choose clothes that I think are “classy”.

      – I buy timeless pieces from consignment shops (I don’t buy new clothes bc of the environmental impact)
      – I never wear patterns and my clothes tend to be soft neutrals (no black)
      – I only wear engagement ring and modest diamond studs
      – My shoes are always in immaculate condition (commute in tennis shoes and change in the office)
      – I only have 2 purses, both are good quality leather bags
      – I have a chic, polished (unfortunately expensive) pixie-style haircut and well-kept but short, unpolished nails

      More than what I wear, I’d like to think I’m “unyieldingly firm yet unfailingly polite” but who the heck knows. Maybe it’s because I drive a Subaru?

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I have nothing to contribute, but wanted to say this is a fascinating discussion.

      Living in NYC, I am a bit confused on some of the distinctions. Are there some regional differences with this? Or is real estate an exception to the older cars/bargains yet still great quality thing? It seems like both old and new money have impressive apartments.

      • Anonymous :

        Think of Lady Mary — some people buy their furniture.

        I buy other people’s good wood furniture on craigslist. Nothing quite matches, but it all goes. My place (quality zip code but modest for the area) is not very Obviously Designer Done like some people do, but it is faux old $ b/c it’s Quality But Worn. Like it was inherited.

      • I think there is a lot of regional variation, but also some commonality. I agree that in NY the giant apartments thing tends to apply to all wealthy people. Although I feel like the NYC old-money thing is that mom and dad live on the UES and darling junior has some vast soho loft with his wife because they’re in a boho young married phase and haven’t moved uptown yet.

  7. AlmostEloping :

    I hope this is a fun question for the hive: We want to have a small wedding ceremony (parents + 1-2 siblings) with a secular officiant. Finding an officiant of the internet feels like a pretty straight forward gamble, but finding a venue for less than 100 people isn’t… happening. General ideas and or NoVa/DC suggestions welcomed! (We plan on doing a series of post-elopement dinners to celebrate later. We just have no interest in paying big-wedding-money and want to be married sooner than later!)

    • Anonymous :

      City hall? Private room at a restaurant?

      • AlmostEloping :

        If I’m reading our city’s website correctly, we apply for the marriage license at the court house but “There is no one in the clerk’s office to perform wedding ceremonies, you must have a marriage ceremony in Virginia within 60 days of the issuance of the license.”

        So far, all of the restaurants with private rooms want 1-2k$ just for the room, which seems excessive for 7-8 people.

        The weather here has been… unpredictable lately, ruling out parks.

        Thanks for all the suggestions; keep ’em coming!

        • recently married in DC :

          If you end up having the ceremony in DC – whatever that ends up being for you – in DC there is an option to *Marry yourselves*. As in: you and your spouse are the only signatures on the license.

          as a lawyer I thought this was pretty cool, no one else involved in your sealing of the relationship. Kind of hippy-dippy too I guess :) It also required NO additional money or paperwork, such as paying someone to marry you, or if you wanted a friend to “officiate” and sign the license, that’s an extra fee – $25 maybe? So for me, it really streamlined wedding planning. We went to Moultrie to get the license, kept it around until wedding day, then signed it after our friend said some lovely words for our ceremony.

          Anyway, this rambling post is to let you know that you can shortcut the “officiant” step by getting whoever you want without extra cashola or paperwork in DC. As the clerk said to us:

          “take this license, anywhere within the District that is legal to be in, do whatever makes you feel married, then sign and return the license back to us.”

          :) congrats!

      • I did City Hall/restaurant after, and loved it – I planned the whole thing on a post-it. That said, if you want a little more ceremony, I’d check out some wedding blogs that list vendors – you could probably narrow down a few choices based on what couples say about them. The Snippet and Ink blog (which I spent a lot of time on) focuses on ceremonies, so that might be a good resource.

        • PS – I didn’t bother with the private room for the same reason, but celebrating in the middle of a nice restaurant was lovely & felt festive.

    • Have a sibling or friend officiate! http://www.dccourts.gov/internet/legal/aud_family/marriage.jsf

      You could have the wedding in a public venue. The atrium at DC District Court is gorgeous and there are plenty of places along the mall like Constitution Park. You could also rent a picnic area in Rock Creek Park. For inside locations, a lot of restaurants like Clyde’s Chinatown and Maggiano’s have small group rooms you could rent.

    • Anonymous :

      What about a cute small town courthouse? Google for historic courthouses in the area and you might find something atmospheric.

      • Anne Arundel and Queen Anne’s counties in Maryland are about an hour/90 minutes, respectively, from DC and have cute courthouses.

    • I’d rent the presidential suite at a swanky hotel with a view. Then I’d serve champagne and caviar all night. Mazel tov!

      • Senior Attorney :

        This is the best idea ever.

      • Anonymous :

        A suite in a hotel is an AMAZING wedding idea. And so much cheaper for 1 night than a regular venue!

      • Yes!

        I hate parties where I am the focus, so I only hosted people for my law school graduation begrudgingly. After the graduation, my immediate family and godparents came back to my apartment, and we had an obscene amount of champagne and some delicious cheese/veggies/etc. It was one of the most fun parties I’ve ever been to. Just a lot of laughter and talking and spending time together.

        Swanky hotel, better champagne, better food, and all of my loved ones too? Sounds like a fantastic way to commemorate a wedding.

    • anonymous :

      I eloped at Oronoco Bay park in Alexandria. Our pictures were beautiful. It was us, a couple of guests, and a photographer. You don’t even need to “book” the venue or get a permit. We just showed up there. We also considered the Carlyle house and were actually planning to do it there (it’s just $25 fee for the photographer), but you can’t actually book it for this purpose and they ended up booking a wedding that night.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      We had approx 12 ppl at our wedding ceremony and we did it at the park without a reservation. There was a slight risk that someone else would be using the spot we had our hearts set on, but I guess we would’ve just walked a little further one way or the other. The wedding blogs call it a “guerilla wedding” which seems a little aggressive to me, but googling that might get you some inspiration.

    • Anonymous :

      How about a winery? There are some lovely ones in the Leesburg area.

    • Anonymous :

      Hike to the top of a mountain in the Blue Ridge and have the ceremony there?

    • Anonymous :

      We were married in the reservable banquet room of a restaurant. Everything was free with the cost of food/drink minimum (which we easily would have hit – nothing excessive), and they even let us pick out the table cloth cover of our choice from their supplier’s options. Brought in flower arrangements for the center of the tables and ready to go for ceremony and reception! Married by a judge off our city hall’s list. Guests sat at the tables. We did have a photographer just for the ceremony and a few family pics, which I am really glad we did.

  8. I have friends who got a permit and got married near the tidal basin with just immediate family – if you’re open to the outdoors/unpredictable weather, that may be a good option

  9. Anonarama :

    Max Mara suits anyone? Curious as to the quality consensus, I found a legit retailer online (and purchased) selling a classic 2-pc pantsuit single breasted cotton/cashmere blend for $100.

    The reason why I ask is because I’ve been out of the “suit game” awhile and noticing many of the higher end brands are now not as nice or prestigious (pricewise) as they used to be. I don’t think I’d find one at TJ Maxx but I also don’t know if they get marked down often enough to find them at Saks and the like.

    • Max Mara is my favorite brand. I love the materials. And the cut, and the tailoring….they are one of the best, IMHO, one of the last great quality brands.

    • I wish I knew about Max Mara suits! I do have a Max Mara Weekend wool flannel sheath dress from a couple of years ago that is probably the best made article of clothing in my closet. I’d say the fabric and tailoring are a bit better than Brooks Bros was back in the dark ages when there was no polyester in the women’s section.

    • Loooove Max Mara. My favorite as well. I don’t think you can go wrong.

    • I don’t understand how you got a Max Mara suit for $100. Did you miss a zero? Or was it pre owned?

      Max Mara and their sister brand Marina Rinaldi for us sizes 10 – 20 make absolutely gorgeous coats. That’s really what Max Mara is known for. So anything coat-like, like your suit jacket, should be really well made. I’ve had less great luck with less expensive items like silk blouses, but the fabrics are always gorgeous. My favorite sheath dresses (with sleeves!) are from the Marina Rinaldi line. I count myself very lucky to find one on clearance in my size for less than $350, so congrats on your smoking deal.

      • Anonarama :

        This is why I was asking! It’s a new with tags, might be last season, suit. I first saw it yesterday at $140 and then it went down to $100 today. I have bought things from Yoox before and all the tags with matching serial numbers are legit so I know they are not counterfeit. The prices range from crazy expensive to insanely cheap, and I don’t really care if they are pre-owned returns with tags reattached at that price (but never has it been an item that didn’t look fresh off the manufacturer line).

        I know designers like Donna Karan and Micheal Kors seemingly have their lines blurred with what is true pret-a-porter vs bridge/grey market outlet wear in endless supply at Ross Dress for Less. I can’t tell much of the difference nowadays other than who the original retailer is. I am glad to know I am scoring a great find and didn’t pass it up! :)

        Thanks for the tip about Marina Rinaldi. I am a size 50-Euro off the rack (14 US). I will scout that stuff too. My dreams are made of Max Mara coats, would love to get my hands on one! I was looking one year and found a great camel colored cashmere one by Sachi that was a close cousin to the Max Mara design and quality.

        • I hope you get to try on a Marina Rinaldi sheath dress. They are so beautifully made and somehow flattering to my tum. I don’t know how they do it.

          • Anonarama :

            Oh you are going to have a girl spoiled with recommendations like that! :)

  10. Hi Everyone–I just got back from Cuba (which was fabulous, BTW) and while there wore skirts with Jockey Skimmies underneath as a fix for thigh-rub. I have to say that I really do not like the feel of Skimmies–not soft enough, hot in hot weather, and just not so great. Nice fit, nice colors, but do not feel good on the skin. Has anyone discovered something that they like more? I have been surfing on line looking for alternatives, but perhaps someone has something to recommend. I want the boxers to be soft, not compressing, wicking, cool, and in nude or black. Suggestions?

    • Anonarama :

      OMG, perfect timing question!!! I just ordered Bandettes about 2 hours ago and hope they get here from Amazon before the knockoff version of comparison of the ebay ones I ordered. One set pair of Bandettes is about $25, an order of two of the knockoff (sold singularly) is only $4. There is also another brand on Amazon when you look for Bandettes that will come up and I think they are about $10 a set. I didn’t order those but if the $4 are no good I will go with giving the midrange ones a try. Summer is killer on my thighs and while I’m in the gym busting out some moves to tone them up, I think I am naturally inclined to keep flying the friendly thighs. I will keep you posted.

      • Where did you get the $4 ones?

        • Anonarama :

          Search ebay under “thigh garter phone holder” and sort by “buy it now”, then by “lowest price+shipping”. NOTE! they are sold in singles, *not* in pairs. So if you were questioning the funky sizing that ebay has, you don’t lose $$ much while figuring it out. I would also see if there is a US seller because they are coming right from China and could take a few weeks to arrive. Luckily my last few ebay orders have come within a week, must be that I’m in a major port. Aside from that, come report back here if you get yours faster than I receive mine!

    • Never too many shoes... :

      How about your regular favourite underwear and bandalettes? They are lace bands for your thighs to prevent chafe but without having to wear shorts. Plus so pretty. bandelettes dot com

      • Anonarama :

        oops, thanks for pointing out the correct name…Bandalettes :)

        • Never too many shoes... :

          We posted at the same time and I was not totally sure if you bought a similar thing with a slightly different name :)

      • I got a pair of these and they kept rolling. I ended up getting (I think as a recommendation from here) Mobistar anti-chafing gel from Target and I. Love. It.

    • Anonymous :

      I have the “wicking” Jockey skimmies and they are garbage, do not buy them.

      Honestly, after trying lots of different kinds of shorts, my favourite solution is regular underwear plus deodorant on my inner thighs for chub rub. It works great.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Monistat anti-chafing gel, as recommended here. It changed my life. It works for me in all but the absolute worst of weather, and if I just reapply, that fixes it. I can’t wear dresses without something on my thighs in any weather warmer than 60 degrees, but I highly recommend this.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I’m partial to the Maidenform Flexees (i think that’s what they are called) — I get them at Target. I like that they are very thin and don’t roll up.

      • Anonymous :

        I haven’t tried these (yet), but I do strongly prefer maidenform shapewear over spanx. So much more soft, smooth, and comfortable. I buy at target and will be picking up some of these next time ;)

    • Soma makes “smoothing shorts” that I like for this purpose. They are much lighter weight than skimmies, clothes do not stick to them, and they don’t squish you in like Spanx do. They come in a few varying shades of nude and black.

    • I wear Champion cotton bike shorts. I get them from Amazon. They have them in various inseams. I buy the longer ones for me, but it depends on where your chub rub happens as to whether you can use the shorter inseam.

      I wear these every time I wear a skirt with bare legs. I actually wear these under sheer hose too because my chub is DETERMINED to rub and I like the feel of the cotton shorts between my thighs rather than just sheer hose material.

    • I have the jockey shimmies, and I agree they are not great for warmer weather. What I ended up doing is finding a comfy pair of cheap, more lightweight (even more transparent leggings) and cutting them into skimmy lengths. I find viscose rayon, or a super thin cotton blend works well– like the thinnest h&m leggings, and cut. I sew the legs so they will not roll. Cut a bit longer, as fabric will curl up.

  11. Beach Anon :

    Help! I was planning on a bikini wax tomorrow for an upcoming beach vacation and I stupidly shaved over the weekend. How much is enough new growth for a wax??

    • Marshmallow :

      Bummer, you definitely won’t be able to wax tomorrow. You need the length of a grain of rice– usually for me this is three to four weeks of growth. Just use some ingrown hair reliever stuff if you tend to get razor bumps and shave while you’re on vacation. :-/

  12. I’m going to be testifying in a trial next month. I led the misconduct investigation and wrote the report that led to the employment action at issue in the lawsuit.

    My company’s lawyers are doing a good job of preparing me for the substance of the testimony, so I’m not worried about that, but the real question is … What should I wear?! What superficial things can I do to increase the credibility of my testimony and to have the jury like and believe me?

    TIA!

    • Ah, a tough nut to crack for female litigators, but some basic guidelines. Keep your appearance neat and professional. Now is not the time to bust out your fabulous red suit. Given that you are testifying on your own report, I would strive to appear professional, a la a suit. If you do not have a suit, I would stick to a light-colored button-down or non-patterned blouse. Avoid outfits that are too fussy for you, i.e. sky-high heels you cannot comfortably walk in or a skirt that needs constant pulling down when seated or a button-down blouse that gapes when you sit (boy do I know about these). Just like an interview, your outfit should not be noticed. You do not need to wear your hair up, but it should be kept out of your face so that you are not pushing it away, a gesture seen as ‘less confident’ or ‘nervous’ by jurors. Avoid blingy or showy jewelry or clothes and try to avoid jewelry that makes a lot of noise. On that note, try not to use your hands too much to gesture. Make eye contact with whoever is asking you questions. If it feels natural to you to make eye contact with the jury, you can do so, but if it isn’t natural to you, don’t worry about it. Try to speak clearly and slowly, as fast appears nervous. You will be prepared, but if you do not understand the question, simply ask them to clarify it for you. You are not under a timer, so take your time to understand the question and to state your response. Tell the truth, but don’t overshare. Sit up straight and look engaged. I furrow my brows when I am concentrating (which comes off as resting b*tch face, yay), so I try to calm my brows a little but still look engaged while not angry.

      Jurors notice confidence and they notice c*ckiness. You know going in that one side will ask you pointed questions. They are doing their job; it is not personal to you and if you explode it will not appear well with the jury. With a testimony like yours, your job is to explain what happened and explain your report, that’s all. Good luck! Be confident in yourself and the jury will find you credible, too. (Maybe try Amy Cuddy’s power moves beforehand.)

    • Anonymous :

      Um, a plain suit.

    • OfCounsel :

      Ask your attorney. This is very location (and even very jury pool) specific.

  13. Book Rec? :

    Anyone have opinions on “You are a Bada$$” v. “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F”? I’m in need of a pick me-up type book.

    • PatsyStone :

      One of my sisters just emailed me today to recommend You are Bada$$. She said the audiobook was especially good. She has good taste, imo, I’m going to listen to it on vacation.

    • Anonymous :

      I leafed through You are a Bada$$ in the bookstore and decided not to buy it because the author described buying an expensive car she couldn’t really afford as an important step in her becoming a Bada$$. I want to be tough and confident, but not broke. It made me question the value of the rest of the advice in the book.

    • I listened to the audio version of The Subtle Art and I thought it was okay. There’s nothing groundbreaking or original in it that isn’t in 1,000 other self help books, but I liked it.

  14. We need some new bedding and I’m debating between Brooklinen or Parachute. I’m leaning towards Brooklinen (mainly because it’s less expensive), but I’d be open to splurging a bit on Parachute if it’s really worth it. Any thoughts from the hive?

    • Anonymous :

      i got boll and branch and loooove them

    • Here’s what you do. Go on overstock and buy white sheets in Pima cotton in 800 to 1000 thread count. They will be a great deal compared to what you are looking at and they will feel great after 3 washes, amazing after 20.

      Pima cotton has the longest staple (yes longer than Egyptian) and that’s what makes it feel silky smooth.

    • I’ve had some pretty amazing sheets over the years, but Brooklinen was still a game changer.

  15. beta blockers :

    A former colleague of mine used to use beta blockers to relieve anxiety surrounding public speaking. Does anyone here have experience using them and if so, were they effective? Did you go to your PCP to get them prescribed or to a psychiatrist? Thanks!

    • PatsyStone :

      PCP can take care of it. I take them for high blood pressure, but yes, I find it slows the adrenaline down and helps me not to speed-talk or fidget as much when nervous.

    • Anonymous :

      Ha, I read only the first two sentences of the OP’s comment and then read “PCP can take care of it.” I was, like, WHOA, not sure that illicit drugs are the best thing before public speaking!

      Heads up, my husband was prescribed beta blockers for a different reason, and they made his vision blurry. Suggest doing a test run before the big day.

    • anonymous :

      I take beta blockers for my blood pressure. They are actually considered an illegal performance enhancing drug in golf because they can help steady your hand, preventing the ‘yips’! They won’t take your anxiety away, but if you are someone who is literally crippled by your fear and will shake, they can help. But yes, you should try them ahead of time. I have not heard of them being prescribed for these ancillary reasons, so I don’t know if doctors do that.

    • S in Chicago :

      Take a Benadryl instead.

    • Anonymous :

      Treating anxiety is not what beta blockers are designed for. These are serious medications that primary affect your heart. There are many better first-line agents for the treatment of anxiety. A gentle suggestion: Talk to your doctor about your symptoms rather than about specific therapies. Let them help you figure out what treatments are best; this is why youhave a doctor!

  16. Shopaholic :

    Legging with mesh inserts – cute for the weekends for a late 20s/early 30s or too teenager like?

    • Anonymous :

      I think they’re cute for the gym/exercise, but I wouldn’t wear them, even on weekends, unless I was actually working out or on my way to/from the gym.

    • I see women in the 50s and 60s wearing them at the barre studio I go to.

    • anonymous :

      I love these. I wear them to the gym mostly and around the house. Very occasionally out for errands.

    • My 16 year old wears her leggings with mesh inserts as pants but she can get away with it because she’s 16. I think you age out of this look pretty quickly.

    • Late 30s, totally wear them to/from gym (or for coffee before gym). But I’m hardpressed to think of an example where they don’t scream workout wear so that they are acceptable elsewhere.

  17. I’m nervous about going out to drinks with a friend. Is this textbook social anxiety?? Just feel like the conversation will go to hard topics and makes me nervous . . . .

    • Anonymous :

      Are you habitually nervous about meeting friends for drinks? Do you always imagine there being hard topics, no matter who you are meeting, or is it just with this friend?

      You can be nervous or disinclined to meet people without it being a mental health issue. If its not an issue with other interactions, I’d take it as a sign to step back from this “friendship”.

    • I think that’s just called being a human being. Nobody likes hard conversations.

      • Anonymous :

        Yeah, it’d be social anxiety if you really enjoyed the person but were nervous about being at the bar or what you’d say – but it sounds like you’re actually worried about discussing ‘hard topics’, which is really normal.

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