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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. I can’t help it — I have always wanted a pair of leather pants. Did I watch too many ’80s music videos or something? Sigh, who knows. Sadly I know by now that actual leather isn’t the best — you swelter in it, it can squeak funny, and it’s super expensive. So I’ll be dreaming about some “waxed” legging/jeans like these cute ones from J Brand instead. They’re $194 at ShopBop. J Brand 901 Waxed Legging Jeans (L-2)Workwear sales of note for 4.18.24
Our favorites are in bold!
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Boden – 25% off through 4/18; 15% off 4/19-20; 10% off 4/21
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- Everlane – Spring Sale: up to 60% off 600+ styles
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off $125+; extra 25% of $150+; up to 60% off everything; extra 50% off clearance
- Nordstrom – Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (on eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- White House Black Market – 25% off entire purchase; $50 off $200
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Anon
I saw a post yesterday about mental health, so maybe someone can help here. I’ve had low grade depression for many years, and when it has gotten really bad I’ve gotten therapy which helps sometimes but not a lot. I’ve never used meds, but recently I’ve been thinking about trying out a combination of meds and therapy. How do I do this? Do I look for a psychiatrist first or a psychologist? Are psychiatrists trained in meds and therapy or do you go to 2 different people? We moved last year, and I don’t have a therapist here so I’m starting from scratch. Thanks….
2L (formerly 1L)
I think I’d look for a psychiatrist if I was trying meds. I have depression as well, only on talk therapy, same as you. I have a tendency to not “trust” brain drugs though – it takes awhile to find the right cocktail/drug for you, and even still, it may have side effects like sleeping 11-13 hours a night (says my friend who has tried everything under the sun).
I would start with your psychiatrist for meds, as s/he is a trained doctor, and then either go with them or with a trained psychologist for talk therapy. In my experience, though, psychologists are both cheaper and more understanding for those of us on the high-functioning side, who just need to talk to someone to cope rather than to truly live.
Hope this helps – good luck in your journey!
K...in transition
with the best therapists, you’d be doing work with that person for some time to try to work before deciding you may need medication. You never want to introduce meds into your body unnecessarily and only a licensed mental health professional can make the call regarding whether they’re right for any one person.
OP
Thanks, I should have said that my therapist (2 different ones) in the past suggested meds but I was against them at the time. Part of it was that they said i would benefit from meds, but they could not prescribe. So they suggested I visit a psychiatrist but the process of finding someone new seemed daunting. I don’t want to get stuck again with 6 months of talk therapy, and then they suggest medication, and then I have to find someone new. Can I avoid that? Could I go see a psychiatrist and do therapy only for a while to avoid that?
SF Bay Associate
Really, K? Hmm. In my experience, you work with both in combination, particularly if you go through a hospital/clinic/integrated medical group. The M.D. (psychiatrist, or maybe primary care physician) prescribes the Rx, and is well versed in the types of meds and their side effects and interactions and contraindications and such. There’s a few common Rx that most people are started on that most people tolerate well. YMMV – one of the best-tolerated ones gave me the extremely rare side effects. It’s somewhat trial and error. Depending on how depressed you are, they may put you on an Rx right away, probably a low dose, to see how you tolerate it. They’ve done that for me. It takes several weeks for the Rx to get fully into your system and work at its maximum effectiveness, so if you’re already feeling pretty depressed, they’ll probably immediately get you on an Rx if you are open to it. It also reduces their liability – depressed patients on Rx are less depressed and therefore less likely to hurt themselves, which means fewer families that sue for malpractice on behalf of patients who hurt themselves while in treatment… or so the thinking goes.
Many psychiatrists don’t do talk therapy because their time is very expensive, so most patients can’t afford it/most insurance won’t pay for the cost of an MD’s time. The MDs can make a lot more money a lot more quickly if they oversee the medication of dozens of patients a day, while a therapist can only see one patient per hour. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that – there’s a specialist for the brain chemistry, and a specialist for the talking. They need not be the same person. We need both. The M.D. works with the therapists. The therapists may provide feedback to the M.D. on how you’re doing on the Rx, but it’s the therapist who does the talk therapy with you weekly. Meanwhile, you check in every few months (or more often, as needed) with the MD supervising your meds.
Anon
My experience was the same as SF Bay Assoc., except no side effects. Primary care doctor put me on a common anti-depressant/anxiety med. It took 4-6 weeks to kick in. I started seeing a therapist the week after I started the meds. The therapist and PCP would check in with each other once a month. I had to give them permission to be able to do this.
anon
K- I think this advice is way off. In my experience, many medical practices establish patients on medication first, then move into therapy. And, actually, only a psychiatrist can tell if meds are right for you. Not a social worker.
K...in transition
I’m not sure I’m understanding… you’re saying that a person would come from nowhere and be immediately prescribed meds and then begin to see a therapist? Although Americans tend to go toward meds as a quick fix (as do many docs), not all life issues require meds. As I’ve seen the post since where the person stated that she’d been recommended meds before, this is a different situation, but that wasn’t a known detail at the time of my initial comment.
anon
Nope, you’re not understanding. The correct answer to “I’ve tried therapy, and now I’m interested in drugs, do I see a psychiatrist for that” is yes! You see a psychiatrist, and they can prescribe meds and refer you to a therapist. And although you’re obviously biased against them, most psychiatrists are actual caring doctors who aren’t going to throw meds at people they don’t need them.
Anon
I had an experience where the doctor prescribed meds (Z*lft and X*an*x) without even ASKING me if I had seen or was interested in seeing a therapist. I was 21 years old and in a highly competitive graduate program– stress had me not sleeping, barely eating, and surviving on caffeine to get through each day. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown and went to be GP, who immediately prescribed the above. I was on the first med for about 8 months, and the second for about a month. A few months after finishing the grad program, I decided to wean myself off the first one (not a great idea to wean yourself off SSRI’s without a doctor’s supervision, but lesson learned.) I’ve never had to take them again (its been 10 years.) I did end up going on my own to my university’s counseling service for about 6 weeks which was a great help to me, but this was on my own initiative and not even suggested by my doctor.
Anon for this
I went to a DR (my insurance is part of a hospital group) for a prescription and she monitored me for about a month with weekly appointments. Then I started therapy with a therapist. My co-pay for the DR was $125 and the therapist was $20. So I was glad to be going to therapy long-term, as opposed to my MD. My DR told me I needed to be on medication first b/c I had to go into my therapy sessions with a positive outlook.. I was in such a rut that I was becoming very pessimistic. It worked for me and exactly one year later I am feeling like myself again.
Of course everyone is different. I would start with your GP and ask them for some advice and a rec. Also one thing I learned the hard way… some insurance companies require this “mental health survey” to be completed by the therapist before they will begin to cover your services. I had to foot the bill up front and was later reimbursed. I had Blue Cross at the time.
L
I’ve had the non-MD therapist call and speak to my primary care doctor and they worked out the meds/follow up routine.
N.
I went to a clinic specializing in CBT therapy, and during the intake evaluation I saw several people, including a psychiatrist who prescribed me meds. I then did CBT work with the therapist over the course of six months or so. Now I follow up with my GP, who prescribes the meds. I was very open to starting meds when I went, and for me the combination of doing both at once helped immensely — I felt like the meds helped me get back enough sanity that the therapy could actually take hold. I’ve been very lucky in that the first med I tried has had almost no side effects for me and also seems to be effective. As for therapy, I didn’t do a whole lot of research before choosing a clinic or a therapist, I just went to one that was associated with a local teaching hospital, close to my house, and I took the first available therapist.
Bluejay
Only a psychiatrist can prescribe meds (well, any doctor can, but I wouldn’t recommend getting them from your PCP even though some will write you a prescription). Most psychiatrists where I live do not accept insurance and can be pricey, so most people see a therapist who consults with the psychiatrist. You can start with either the therapist or the psychiatrist, and they will be able to recommend the other to you. Having said that, I started on meds when I felt like I could get no further with therapy, and it was the best decision of my life. I don’t go to therapy anymore. So keep in mind you don’t have to be going to therapy if you’re taking meds.
Long day
After tromping around smelly, muddy, hot sites all day, I am left with two questions for the hive:
1. I have to go to these type of sites once a month or so. Usually I’ll be in my biz cas office before or after. I’m set on boots, but as far as pants go, anyone have a recommendation for something that (a) is sturdy and can stand up to getting some mud on them and the following machine washing and tumble drying; (b) is not jeans, as I am sometimes accompanied by my (male) boss who always wears a full suit even when the people we’re meeting with are in jeans and polos; (c) looks decent on a curvy girl; (d) looks ok to throw a blazer over if something comes up while I’m in the office; and (e) has pockets big enough for car keys, a good place to clip the blackberry holster would be a great bonus (I know, I know, but risk of dropping it in the muck is very high otherwise).
2. Any recommendations for sunglasses that convey Practicality and Gravitas despite the fact that I’m the youngest person around and the only woman for miles? I went with an old, annoyingly scratched pair today because I didn’t think my pair with rhinestones on the sides would assist my colleagues in taking me seriously.
I know there was a post on what to wear for visiting factories not too long ago, but I’m hoping the ‘rettes who get muddy from time to time can help me out here. Thanks!
Gem
No help on the not jeans front; but A pair of classic aviators would be my move on the sunglasses front
Scully
As a casual (and occasionally muddy) hiker, I’ve found that Athleta has tons of hiking pants that fit your requirements. Try the Mariposa Pant, Dipper Pant, Pacific Crest Pant, Nalu Rivet Pant, or Adobe Pant. I like that some of them have a slight boot cut, which balances out larger hips.
L
What about some chinos from land’s end? Their material holds up well to machine washing and looks dressy enough it wouldn’t be totally off with a blazer.
scientist
I wear pants from Ann Taylor outlet in the field all the time, usually gray or dark brown. I hang them up to dry, and they seem to hold their shape well. They sometimes have pockets. I have clipped the holster to them with no problem. I hold my keys in my hand or set them on the table or put them in the jacket pocket. I also pared down my keys to the essentials.
Or maybe you can use a messenger bag to hold the phone and keys? I have one from a professional org that I use for field work. It holds a clipboard and a bottle of water.
Bluejay
Gap Perfect trousers. You can wash them but they are work pants. And they have pockets.
Blonde Lawyer
I have a pair of blue dress pants that are made of a material similar to khaki but very stiff so they look more like dress pants. They are from the BR outlet and are machine washable. I also have a pair of khakis from Gap that I can wear with a blazer that are soooo sturdy. I have gotten them pretty dirty and they have never stained.
meme
Jcrew chinos. They come in several colors (I have gray, black and camel and I can’t remember the others but there are more).
zora
Um, can someone explain to me how i did not know that All. Six. Seasons. of the Highlander TV Series are now on Hulu??? HOW?
Also, tell the world I said Hi. Cuz I have a feeling I’m not going to see it anytime soon. I have 6 seasons of Duncan and Methos to watch… ok, mostly Methos….
2lawl
I re-watched the entire series a few years ago when I noticed it on Hulu. It’s great! I think it may also be on Netflix too, if you have it and don’t want to waste time with commercials.
Latina
I need help! My lips are so chapped. They are red, swollen and scabbing. They crack at night and bleed. I don’t know where this is coming from. Someone said maybe I am not drinking as much water as usual and that makes sense. I workout 5-6 days and week and try to sip water all day. I am very busy at work and have to limit myself due to meetings, etc. I have noticed myself going to refill my water less often.
Anyway… what should I buy? I tried vaseline, nivea, the cherry stuff in the black tube, peter thomas roth, you name it!!!!!!! I am in the Northeast so I don’t think this is weather related chapping?
NOLA
I had really dry lips at one point early this summer and I know it wasn’t climate-related. I asked here and people recommended Aquaphor or Carmex. I tried both. The Aquaphor felt good but didn’t do much. The Carmex sloughed off the dead dry skin and helped my lips heal. It’s a little more medicinal and feels harsher but it was the only thing that did the trick. I used the vanilla Carmex in the little yellow tube.
Homestar
First, try to get more sleep and keep sipping water. For chapsticks, the best I have used are from Fresh and Laura Mercier. The Laura Mercier is expensive and sometimes I have to use a sterilized paperclip to get the product to squeeze out, but it is amazing stuff. Links to follow.
Homestar
http://www.sephora.com/sugar-lip-treatment-spf-15-P57002
Homestar
http://www.sephora.com/product/productDetail.jsp?skuId=1307495&productId=P279703&keyword=laura%20mercier%20lip%20silk&_requestid=146892
Homestar
Guess they are both expensive . . . didn’t remember the Fresh one costing so much. But definitely way better than what you can get in the drugstore, which sounds like what you are looking for.
Divaliscious11
Lansinoh – on your lips at night. Its made to heal b****ies for nursing moms, so its safe to be on your lips. I use it on my kids in winter.
CDA
This stuff works great!
Basics
Bag Balm. Google it.
Scully
Dr. Dan’s CortiBalm was recommended to me when I was on Accutane. It worked wonders.
a.k.
I use the neosporin overnight renewal therapy. it’s very concentrated and it works. Like you, I had tried just about everything on the market. This is the only thing that I found that has saved me.
Lucy
Try switching your toothpaste – it could be irritating the skin on your lips (sounds crazy, but it happens.)
Blonde Lawyer
If this is out of the blue, are you using a new product that you might be allergic to?
a lawyer
also, you really have to do more than “sip” water. I recommend a large glass of water first thing when your feet hit the floor in the morning.That will give you a jumpstart on the day’s necessary hydration.
I second carmex and neutrogena intensive care overnight.
a lawyer
Oops, should be neosporin overnight renewal therapy.
Adoption Fundraiser
My cousin and his wife are having a fundraiser to raise money to adopt a child. This is their preference for what “having a child” means to them (meaning, the family does not know about any fertility issues – I’m not sure exactly why that would matter). I respect the altruistic reasons behind their plans, but I’m having trouble figuring out why anyone else should fund it. Adopting seems like a highly personal decision (which I respect and admire), but not exactly the subject of a fundraising campaign. I can’t imagine them asking for contributions to their IVF fund, if that was something they wanted to pursue. What do you think?
Homestar
I think people can do what they want. But if you don’t like it, you don’t have to support it. (So don’t attend.) Adoptions are expensive, so I don’t find their idea incredibly offensive although it is no something would do. Anyway, there are charities out there that, IMO, raise funds for things that are much more ridiculous than bringing a child into a loving home.
AnonInfinity
I have a friend who did this. I thought it was icky, even though the end goal is something great. And I don’t think that fertility status matters — I wouldn’t give anyone money to have a child, no matter what avenue they choose. I didn’t participate but didn’t explain why, either, because I knew it just seemed like something I shouldn’t say out loud.
Frou Frou
Infertile here (tho, successful IVFer) and we’re in the process of adopting.
It’s not uncommon for prospective adoptive parents to hold a fundraiser. The most common way I have seen this done involves the adoptive parents selling something, such as a t-shirt, that is emblazoned with an adoption-friendly message. I have also seen people set-up accounts asking for donations. The pleas for these accounts are sometimes prefaced with the phrase, “Many of you have asked us what you can do to help” in what I see as an attempt to minimize the ick factor of asking your family and friends for money. While it’s not uncommon, it’s not something I would choose to do because I think it’s inappropriate and a little strange.
As an aside, please consider that adopting a child is not altruism. I realize it’s a common assumption, but adoptive parents are not doing a child any favors by “rescuing” him or her from a lifetime of “parentlessness.” The child is the one giving here – he or she is the one helping a family form. And this form of “help” is made possible by a loss completely outside of the child’s control.
Adoption Fundraiser
Thanks for your comment about altruism v. parentlessness. That is not something I had thought about before. This is especially true because my cousin and his wife have a blog that talks about how much they can do for a child who is parentless, especially a child who is parentless and has special needs (HIV, other medical issues, other issues generally from what I gather). There is a lot of concern within my family that they have no idea what they are getting themselves into.
I hope the adoption process goes smoothly for you!
Frou Frou
Thanks so much!
RE: your cousin: I know a lot of adoptive parents are the rescuer-types. But many of us in the community see it very differently. And thanks for taking my comments in the spirit intended.
Bluejay
Adoptions are just as expensive as childbirth (if not more expensive) or IVF, and they’re not covered by insurance. Calling it a fundraiser strikes me as a little odd, but I’ve heard of “showers” where people gave gifts of money to help with adoption costs. I don’t think you’re under any obligation to contribute, but you should know that what they’re doing’s not unusual.
Gem
Has anyone got a pair of waxed jeans? I think I might have a place in my wardrobe for a pair but only if they won’t be completely over by xmas.
Thoughts?
Puffin
I love them!
Waiting for bar results and kind of depressed
** Update **
I have an interview! And, my hairstylist updated my color for FREE, which means that I will look smashing and professional.
zora
YAY! Sending Good Interview ~~~Vibes~~~~!
Good Luck!
.edu Cate
Hi ladies,
I’ve been reading for a while now and have finally gotten up the courage to de-lurk and ask for your advice. It’s for a former student of mine:
If a person has been convicted of a felony, what types of jobs in the legal / criminal justice system will they be barred from, and what types are still open as possibilities?
Some background:
In my previous city, I had a job working with teens in the foster care system. One of my best students was also involved in a gang. Shortly after his 18th birthday, he was at the scene when a fight broke out and one of his fellow gang members shot and killed another man. He was charged and pleaded no contest to being an accessory after the fact to murder and admitted a special allegation of gang involvement. (Going off the wording in the newspaper article here, I can ask him for more specifics if that would be helpful.)
Fast-forward a few years – he is now out of prison and just started his first term at community college. While in prison, he read several law books and became interested in pursuing a career in law or criminal justice. He is currently enrolled in an Administration of Justice course and is really enjoying it, but has asked my advice on whether he’d ever be able to have a career in the field due to his background.
Any thoughts? He is passionate about the field and I want to encourage him, but I also want to give him a realistic picture of what options will be open or closed to him due to his record.
Thank you SO much, sorry for having such a drawn-out novel of a first post! :)
anon
I think it’s great that you are trying to encourage him and that he’s excited about the practice of law. That said, not to be a downer, but he may not be able to be admitted to the bar because he wouldn’t pass the character and fitness requirement. I recommend contacting the bar examiners in your state to find out how they handle people with criminal records such as his.
Gail the Goldfish
I believe some state’s bar commissions will give preliminary opinions on character and fitness before applicants apply to law schools. I’m not sure of the details, though, but something to look into.
Bluejay
It varies by state and by individual applicant to the bar, as others have said. There’s no way to be certain, but generally a person who has transformed his or her life and is many years removed from past crimes will be admitted. Exceptions I’ve heard of are particularly violent crimes (like murder) and crimes that involve a breach of trust similar to the duties an attorney has to a client (like embezzlement). But there are even some lawyers who have been admitted despite having committed these types of crimes; I remember reading an article about this in a bar journal. Also, like Gail the Goldfish said, some state bars will give a preliminary opinion so he may be able to find out before he starts law school.
He definitely should be able to pursue a legal career that does not involve being admitted to the bar, such as being a paralegal, so there’s no reason why he shouldn’t pursue a legal field for his undergraduate degree.
.edu Cate
Thanks anon, Gail the Goldfish and Bluejay!
I really appreciate your responses. It’s good to know that there is at least a *possibility* that he could one day be admitted to the bar. He’s in California so I will research it further on a state-specific level. I’ll definitely encourage him to pursue an undergraduate degree related to law, since he’s still exploring his options and is also open to careers such as being a paralegal or working with juvenile offenders in some capacity. I’ll also advise him to seek a preliminary opinion from the CA state bar before he begins the law school application process; it’s great to know that option is available so he can make an informed decision.
Thank you again so much for all your help!
DealCube
Don’t encourage hime to pursue an undergraduate degree related to law. It will not help him get into law school (in fact, “pre-law” programs are often seen as less desirable). Encourage him to choose something that gives him other options and to get stellar grades. Law school admissions comes down to grades + LSAT score (with room around the edges for a great personal statement, which your student may be able to write).
cc
agree with this, no need for a pre law program.
.edu Cate
Thanks DealCube and cc,
That’s good information to have. Does the “no pre-law” guideline also apply to community college concentrations like Administration of Justice?
He has expressed interest in getting his AA degree in Administration of Justice while also completing the required courses for transfer to a University of California campus. Do you think it’s still okay to encourage A.J. as his community college concentration, as long as he doesn’t choose a pre-law program for his bachelor’s degree?
a lawyer
Agreed. Most Admin of Justice programs are geared towards police work or corrections work, neither of which is viewed as very challenging or giving a person the kind of broad, inquiring mind law schools look for.
Not there is anything wrong with those programs, but they are not really what you need on your undergrad tanscript to get in to law school. Political science, english, even engineering majors seems to do well if law school is his aim.
.edu Cate
That’s good to know; I’ll let him know that he’ll need to choose a different AA concentration as well if he wants to pursue law school. He’s also still considering a career in police work or corrections, but hopefully by the end of the semester he’ll have a more clear picture of what he wants to specialize in and can change his major accordingly if law school is the goal.
Thanks so much to all who weighed in, I really appreciate it and will pass your advice on to him!
Lourine
I had A pair of leather pants. I warn you that if you pass wind it stays in until you take off your pants. So don’t go out on a date with a guy you will fool around with later especially if you are going out for burritos! I made that mistake once and I never heard from the guy again!
2lawl
lol!
Puffin
I need recommendations for doctors/therapists in Denver, CO. My mom is having a lot of trouble making decisions and having the energy to make herself happy with her life. I think part of it may be due to mild depression, and have her going to a doctor who can evaluate that and give medication if necessary. Does anyone have recommendations for therapists/life coaches who are solution oriented in the Denver area? She has a tendency to wallow in issues that are minor in the grand scheme of things, so while I want her to have a professional to talk to, I also want to make sure that it’s someone who is going to encourage solutions and active steps forward rather than just having her dwell on the challenges.
Please help with any advice, it’s so hard doing this from NYC.
DC Jenny
Mary Ellen Caiati is the best. She’s a psychiatrist who also does therapy, and I credit her with basically everything I have achieved in life.
Puffin
THANK YOU! Would you be comfortable sharing any more? What did you like about her? My mom may need some convincing so I’m trying to gather as much info as possible.
DC Jenny
I will say that with me she was very low-key and non-dramatic – definitely no Good Will Hunting-style confrontations. I had a really hard time talking about certain things, and she never pushed me, but she did challenge me in a gentle way i.e. “You are talking about something sad but you are laughing, why is that?” or “You think X but I think most people would see it in Y way.” She is also just a really soothing, caring presence without being smothering in the slightest. She may change her manner based on the patient, I don’t know, but she was exactly what I needed. Also, she is not med-happy at all, but will prescribe things if needed, so if your mom is worried about that you can reassure her.
DC Jenny
I also want to say that you are doing a wonderful thing for your Mom. It can be really difficult to find a doctor/therapist and even more so if you are suffering from a mental health issue, so you should be proud of yourself for being such a caring, helpful daughter.
Anon
If you live in DC or nearby, would you recommend any providers in the area?
DC Jenny
Sorry, Anon, I don’t have any recommendations for DC, but you may want to start with your employer’s EAP, if you have one, or The Women’s Center, which is what Carolyn Hax always recommends. http://www.thewomenscenter.org/content.asp?contentid=59 Good luck!
KLG
Anon, I have used the Women’s Center (their Vienna office, not the DC one) and cannot say enough good things about the therapist they connected me with.
Marie
The University of Colorado Hospital Depression Center in Denver has a great reputation and practices “multidisciplinary” care (MD’s, psychotherapists, other kinds of therapy). I don’t have a specific recommendation for a doctor/therapist, just know several people who have been helped mightily there. http://www.ucdenver.edu/academics/colleges/medicalschool/departments/psychiatry/PatientCare/depressionctr/Pages/Welcome.aspx
ananon4this
I am probably late in the weekend, but I need some serious life advice from some kick @ss women…. [long post, bear with me!]
I’m in my 2L year of law school. H has a great paying job in City A, but hates his boss and wouldn’t mind a new job. Meanwhile, I just got an offer in City B for 2L summer at a great firm, which is 90%+ certain to turn into a permanent offer after graduation. My starting pay would be ~20k per year higher than what H currently makes, and H could also find another well-paid job in City B.
Sounds simple enough, right? Well… not so much. H also has an 8yo from his previous marriage and we have her 5o% of the time (2 days on, 5 days off alternating schedule, which I hate), and he cannot fathom giving this schedule up. It seems it is not even up for discussion.
To top it off, I’m not crazy about step-daughter. We get along fine, but she has been raised very differently than I would raise my own children, and she is very close with her mother and her dad, which is wonderful, but I can’t seem to find a spot to squeeze in. We do great when it’s just the two of us (SD and I). But when it is SD, me, and H? I am definitely the third wheel. To make matters worse, I’m even more frustrated because we want to get pregnant, but are up against fertility problems (for a 2L, I ain’t no spring chicken…). And even if we can get pregnant, there is simply no room for another body in our 850sq. ft., 2br/1ba home. Add this all together, and I feel super tense about the whole situation. I need advice!
In my ideal world, we would take custody of SD over vacations and some weekends instead of this crazy custody schedule, move to City B (~2 hours away), rent a large enough apartment for a future baby and SD, pay off some loans, and then re-evaluate if we like City B or want to go back to City A (or somewhere else entirely) in a few years.
In H’s ideal world, we just “see what happens.” That means me taking the summer job without any plans to accept a full-time offer (and having to try again at 3L OCI for City A, where there are no jobs), trying to get pregnant in the meantime, and not having any plans for where to live, how to fit a baby into the house, or how to pay off loans.
I was starting to think I could handle this wait-and-see approach (I must have been feeling delirious), but my type-A personality has just kicked into full force. I feel like I’m either going to end up broke and homeless with a baby and a ruined marriage, or happy and successful with a great job and a great family in a new city.
If you read this far, I’m impressed! Help?
anon
That’s a tough situation. As a first step, does your husband understand how hard it is to get a law job in this economy? If not, a frank conversation on that topic is in order.
Also, any chance you could live halfway between City A and City B and split the commute? It will suck (we did it for 2.5 years and it was draining, to say the least), especially if you have a baby, but just throwing it out there as a potential compromise. This probably won’t work if you have SD on weekdays.
I have no experience with stepchildren or custody issues, so hopefully someone else will weigh in.
Anon
Sorry to be blunt, but it seems like your SD is priority #3 (behind your job, and your baby). That’s not fair to Hubby. I would follow H’s lead-go take the job for the summer, and hope for an offer. If it comes, you can figure out where you want to live. In the meantime, you are asking H to commit to move to another City and recreate his custody schedule just based upon a summer job. I don’t think there is any comparison to seeing your child every week vs just seeing your child on vacations/some weekends. Honestly, I’m not sure I would want to be married to someone who would ask me to do that. I’m sure having a good job and a baby are extremely important to you, but you need to put some more thought into balancing H and SD’s needs. After all, how would you like it if you saw your new baby only on weekends and maybe some holidays?
ananon4this
I know he wouldn’t want to be married to me if I asked that — which is why I never have and I never will.
I guess the solutions I’m asking for are how to keep the custody schedule, or at least a similar one where weekdays are very much involved (because that’s given), and still find a way to have a job post-graduation. The whole OCI process completely baffles me. If I don’t get a job this way, I’m not sure what to try next, and I’d like to plan ahead.
Some people have suggested commuting. I think it might be possible for a while (for me to go back and forth, not him) or for me to start looking at other, non-OCI options (clerkships? Volunteer and networking? Other options? Any thoughts?)
I’m not looking to be told that I should make my H give up his kid — I would never do that. I’m trying to figure out what options I *do* have.
Sydney Bristow
I think you do have some options here, though some are more attractive than others.
Option 1- You commute 2 hours each way to City B. This would probably be extremely difficult and doesn’t seem like a long term solution.
Option 2- You rent an apartment in City B and drive in to work from City A to City B on Monday mornings and stay in City B until Friday nights when you go home to City A. Also a rough option, but you’d get to spend every weekend with your husband and wouldn’t be driving 4 hours every day.
Option 3- You work this summer for the firm in City B and don’t take a post-graduation offer if you get one. There are other things out there besides OCI options. At my school, OCI was entirely biglaw firms. Other options are government, clerkships, smaller firms, solo practice, document review, etc.
It’s really not big law or volunteering. OCI is just a structured way schools and typically bigger firms have for students to find jobs. I don’t know the statistics, but I think a very small percentage of law students across the country find careers that way. All the rest of us have had to seek out other opportunities in any number of ways. Go sit down with your career services office for other methods of job searching in your city (although hopefully your career services is more helpful than mine was). Get out there and network. You’ll need to do this anyway regardless of where you end up working. You can find a way to make this work. Good luck with everything.
DealCube
I think it is unreasonable for you to expect to move until your husband’s daughter graduates high school. He has shared custody. He wants to keep shared custody. Uprooting his child for holidays and summers should only be considered as a last resort, which you aren’t at.
How long is your current offer open? Ideally you should try to get an offer in the city you are in before it expires. If you can’t, I would work in the other city for the summer (without DH doing anything to move). In the meantime, network, network, network to get a job in your city. Don’t rely on 3L OCI. Starting now, start meeting with alumni from your UG and law school who are attorneys in your area. Figure out how to make yourself marketable where you live. You will be able to “sell” the switch pretty easily in the fall. You tried the other city, decided for family reasons it didn’t work, and are now committed to where you are.
Frou Frou
^^Seconded.
Frou Frou
In case it wasn’t clear, this is to the “sorry to be blunt” anon.
anon
man, if only he didn’t have a pesky kid huh? totally see how she is bringing that vibe of the perfect family down. If only there could’ve predicted that hed still love his daughter even after marrying you.
1. It sounds like you just applied to city b before discussing it with husband? since he obviously doesnt want to move.
2. theres no such thing as 90% positive you have an offer before you even start. im sure the chances are good, but no you dont move your family before you have the offer.
3) your two choices you see, 1 where everything is stressful and 2 where everything is perfect dont even mention the fact that in option 2 your husband doesnt see his daughter nearly as much.
ananon4this
My two options were exaggerations, and both of them have obvious, serious problems. That’s why I’m trying to find out what the solution really should be. I know I can’t be 100% certain with the job. The firm just has a very good reputation for hiring all of its clerks every summer. And, beyond that, it’s my only post-school option right now, which is exactly why I’m trying to figure out other options.
ananon4this
And… H said many times that he was happy and supportive of me applying in City B (we definitely talked about it many times). I just recently sat him down, now that I have an official summer offer, and said, “hey.. but, really, how would we make this work with SD?” And he basically said.. “oh.. well.. I guess we can’t.” So now I’m trying to brainstorm.
Frou Frou
Here’s the thing. You are asking your husband to hypothetically choose between you and his daughter over a possible job offer that may never come for another year. He’s not going to do that and he shouldn’t have to. Put on your big girl pants, take a deep breath, and wait and see what happens. Stop putting your DH in this position, because it sounds like you will lose. FWIW, I would absolutely expect my DH to choose a relationship with his child from a previous relationship over a relationship with me, because I’m the adult and I can deal with not being the priority. Children, on the other hand, cannot and they deserve both parents in their lives as much as possible.
e_pontellier
I really like the suggestion of living half way between cities A and B if you end up loving your summer job and would love to take an offer from them. Also, since you got the job through OCI and will spend the summer at a big firm, you sound like you’d be a great candidate for a clerkship in city A, which would then open a whole new round of doors for you (and wouldn’t require you to do OCI before 3L). This sounds like a very sensitive issue and I’m glad you were able to bring it up here.
zora
ananon4this: I think people above are being unnecessarily harsh. You clearly know that you are kind of freaking out, and are asking for advice. I completely know what it’s like when that “Must Need To Know The Future” thing kicks in and I start thinking all kinds of crazy worst case scenarios :o( that feeling really sucks. I have the hardest time dealing with people who can say “let’s just wait and see” I know they are being honest, but I just don’t know how they do it! My brain seems to run away with me!
So, all of that to say {{{BigInternetHugs}}} and you have A LOT going on, and it is perfectly normal to be stressing out about All Of The Different Things that all seem to be up in the air at the same time.
BUT, all of that said, I will try to be the calm, outside observer for a second. The “Wait and See” CAN mean, just for this summer. It doesn’t have to mean forever. So, figure out how to just focus on doing this summer job at this firm, while leaving everything else the way it is. And then somehow get your brain to understand: At the end of the summer IF a full-time job offer happens, THAT will be the time to sit down and figure out the next steps. If a full-time job offer DOESN’T happen, that will also be the time to sit down and figure out what your next job steps might be. And yes, you will also have to figure out the next steps about having a baby, and a million other things. BUT “Wait and See” doesn’t have to mean: Forever and Ever For The Rest Of Our Lives. It can mean, just till the end of your 2L summer job.
An even longer response, so I don’t know if you read to the end of this, but {{{HUGS}}} and try to Breathe a few times. And just see if you can get thru the 2L summer job and then, when you have real options on the table, make it clear to your H that it is time to start making some decisions.
I hope that helps!!!!
Adoption Fundraiser
+1
East Coaster
Agree that some commenters have been too harsh. Not much to add, other than hang in there!
Bluejay
I think that whatever you do, you need to involve his daughter in the decision from the get-go. Maybe she hates going back and forth, likes city B, and would like to spend all her holidays with dad and the rest of the time with mom. Maybe not. But when I was about the same age one parent moved across the country and uprooted me from the other parent, and let me tell you, the next 10 years of my life until I reached adulthood were absolutely miserable. These are not decisions that should be made without the input of the child, who will be most affected and least able to understand.
stc
I hate to say this, as well, but I wouldn’t say you have a 90% chance of a job offer. I know plenty of folks who were no-offered, due to a poor fit, firm dissatisfaction with your work, or simply deciding not to hire. So, don’t consider it a decision you need to make now. I would do it, do the best you can, so if you don’t go that direction, you have good references.
And as a child of divorce whose parents had a similar schedule, I hated the way my schedule was, but I switched to 1 week on, week off. I was close to my dad and would have been devastated to switch to only seeing him holidays/weekends.
Miss Zarves
I spoke with my stepmom shortly after reading this, and actually, I thanked her for never doing this, or anything that would have been similarly destructive, to my relationship with my father when I was a kid. Please don’t underestimate the impact that forcing this choice on your husband might have on his relationship with his daughter. Or, truthfully, on her relationship with you. As she becomes an adult and reflects back on her relationships with her parents, she will be able to figure out that the wedge between her and her father was placed there by you. You could miss out on what would otherwise be a fantastic bond with your adult stepdaughter (even if you’re not crazy about her now.)
ms. mcgillicuddy
long time lurker who loves reading the financial posts on this site; here’s an interesting link: http://www.smartmoney.com/retirement/planning/secrets-of-the-401k-millionaires-1326152038448/?mg=com-sm
A financial role model (at least to me) from the article: An executive at a pharmaceutical company, she maxed out her pre-tax contributions each year, and including after-tax contributions saved close to 30% of her earnings annually. She was the kind of person who never had debt — not even mortgage debt, D’Angelo says. “She was a disciplined saver, whenever she got a bonus — she would invest half of it.” Her plan had a mix of large cap, small cap, international equities — and a bit of bonds, and at 56, when she retired, she was earning $450,000.
Anne Bronte
If you’re late with a credit card payment but pay before it goes to an outside collection agency, does it go on your credit report? I got a call from AT Loft because apparently I’ve had a small balance the last two months and didn’t even realize it — I must have been trashing the paperless statements as spam. It was definitely someone from internal collections. This won’t go on my Permanent Record, will it?
Also, is the NY weather making anyone else want to weep? Summer, I long to be rid of you.
Jenna Rink
It will go on your record. There is usually a short period of time (5 days or so) after your payment is due but before your next bill is generated during which you can pay without being reported to credit agencies. If it’s been a few months it will be reported to credit agencies, but the degree of lateness as well as the amount are reported, so this won’t Ruin Everything. You could try calling the customer service number, explaining what happened, and asking them to remove it from your record with them, which would remove it from your credit agency record.
whoops
I don’t know if you are still reading, but just in case…
This exact thing happened to me. I had forgotten that I used that card until I got “the call.” Whoops. It did go on my credit report, and it did impact my score, but only by about ~20 points immediately. A couple of years later, I don’t think it makes an impact at all. It stays there for 7 years, but honestly, it’s not the end of the world – if this is the only blemish on your record, you won’t be turned down for loans or anything else because of it. I got a mortgage a year later with no problems.
You can talk to the bank and explain the situation and ask them to not report it, if they haven’t already. But even if they do, don’t stress yourself out over it.
Auto Anon
Used Car Advice
Saw a car today that really hits my sweet spot. I need a reliable car that gets from point A to point B and back again. My job requires me to be on the road a lot and it’s mostly highway miles. Also, need storage space for IKEA trips and other stuff.
The car in question with the specs is $11,750 according to the Kelley Blue Book website. Dealer’s starting point is $13,500. Dealer showed me the maintenance records and carfax– car is pristine, no accidents, very regularly serviced at that very dealer’s shop, and is certified by that dealer.
What would your opening bid be? Aggressive, with the goal of landing around the $11,750? Any tips would be helpful here. Thanks in advance.
Ellen
I have NEVER bought a car, but my dad has, and he is a very SHROUD negosheator, who realy does NOT even negosheate at all!
His rule’ of thumb is VERY simple. He just goes to the guy and says:
“LOOK, this is what I am abel to pay, NO more, No less. I do not have time to DICKER with you so please to cut the BS. Take it or leave it. ”
They alway’s take it b/c he is fair. He is also very smart. MENSA smart!!! Yay!
Buffy
Well, my dad was not a SHROUD negosheator, but here is my advice:
1. Find some specific reasons to list why the car should be below the blue book price – you were really looking for feature X, it looks like there is some heavy wear on the carpet, etc. List them, say (with conviction) that they lower the car below the “excellent” or whatever condition it is listed as, and start with a price somewhat below the blue book value.
2. Are you paying cash, financing with the dealer, or financing elsewhere? If you aren’t financing with the dealer, they will get the full cash at the time of sale – which can mean they might be happier to accept a little less.
3. Look for comparables listed at lower prices, if possible, at CarMax or even CraigsList and point them out.
This might just be my personality, and I’m not good at BS, but if I’m armed with facts I’m confident and able to negotiate a lot better than if I’m just spouting off because I want to pay less.
Also, be prepared, truly, mentally prepared, to walk away. If you negotiate from the mindset of “if I don’t get below 12,000, I’m leaving,” the conviction will tend to come across in the negotiation and make you more convincing to the dealer. And then, walk away if you don’t get what you want – there are a million cars for sale in the world, and you will find another car if you don’t get this one.
Good luck!
momentsofabsurdity
Does anyone have the IKEA Solsta sofabed? I’m considering it because the price is so low and we need another small couch. Would love to hear other’s thoughts as well as thoughts on size and packing it into a Camry-sized vehicle to transport it home.
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/70087108/
karenpadi
The ikea near me (palo alto) delivers. It’s charged per trip to your house so stock up and have them deliver as many things as possible.
Cover Letter Help
Some advice from the hive, please. I took a job that quickly turned into a nightmare less than a year ago. In a trying to pick myself up kind of way, I browsed some job boards in my field and found quite a few jobs that I am perfectly qualified for. I would love to apply now and, hopefully, escape my current nightmare.
Question – how do you explain looking for a new job from a current job you have had less than a year and that, on paper, is about the same as the ones you are applying for (other than saying “PLEASE, SAVE ME FROM MY CRAZY BOSSES”)?? I’m trying to address it proactively in a cover letter and also have some stuff ready if, by any chance, one of them calls me back.
AMB
You really want to work for that company?
AnonInfinity
?
She doesn’t want to work for her current company, so she is applying for new jobs.
Ask a Manager has some good columns about this, I think, Cover Letter Help.
cc
AMB is saying you focus writing about why you want to work for the new company, not why you are leaving. Its assumed that something is wrong with your old job, but just focus on why the new company would be great
anon for this
I am struggling with how to address negative and inappropriate comments about my personal life at work. I am a young attorney and recently married a professional athlete. I continue to use my maiden name and want to continue to work, even after I have children. Problem: my husband’s career makes for constant fodder at the office and I worry that it will detrimentally impact my career. There are 2 trains of thought: 1) partners will comment that I am not going to work for very long, due to my husband’s career, or 2) partners will make snide remarks that my husband’s career is not legitimate and that we will struggle financial in the future. Both groups will ask inappropriate questions and pry (example: asking about how much money he makes).
I am becoming increasingly concerned that my husband’s career will impact partner’s decisions regarding what cases to give me, partnership, etc. and I want to develop an appropriate response to comments that I will not work. To combat this stereotype, I am one of the highest billing associates in my office and carry a heavy caseload. Any thoughts on how to combat these ridiculous gender stereotypes and inappropriate questions?
Frances
If you are SMART, you will MANAGE your husband’s finances. To many atheletes make a lot of money, but soon blow it all because they have never had money. As an attorney, you presumably have enough common sense to tell hubby that you are in it for the long term with him and to stay away from people with big ideas that they want him to bankroll because he is making a lot of money. I am presuming he is a professional in a high-paying sport, not something esoteric that has no money associated with it.
So this is a case where you, as the woman, can wear the financial pants in the family. Put him on a budget and insist that you want to put the money away where you can both invest it.
As for the partners at work, it should make no difference to them what they assign you. The only thing I can think of is if your husband is not invaluable to the team in the locale where you are working, that he could be traded.
So if he’s in football, and he is now with the Washington Redskins, pray that he works his arse off or else they “will shuffle him off to Buffalo! ” OMG! Let’s hope not.
New poster
I’m sorry this is happening to you–that would make for a very stressful work environment.
I have two thoughts. One, some people are probably just a little star-struck and want to talk about your husband’s career generally because they think it’s cool that they work closely with someone married to a professional athlete. So some of the inappropriate comments could be awkward people making awkward comments because they want to talk about your husband but don’t know what to say. Not that that makes it right.
Second, unfortunately the only thing you can really do to change this impression people have that you are gearing up to leave is to continue to be steady, reliable and dedicated. It sounds like you are already doing that by shouldering a heavy caseload and working really hard. I’m not sure how recently you got married vs. how long you have worked there, but perhaps people are more focused on this right now (if you just announced the marriage) and will ease up when they see how your work/dedication/ambition hasn’t been changed by it.
Coach Laura
Anon for this, it’s somewhat late in the weekend for this question. You might even email Kat and ask her to feature this question on a daily thread.
In my opinion, your situation is a variation on the “she just got married to a guy with bucks and will retire to raise kids” scenario that we’ve talked about before except with two variations – your husband is a public figure and his salary is not known (as it would be if he were a surgeon or newscaster, for example). I think you need to develop a standard response to that question that shuts down nosy people’s questions. Perhaps to the partners at your firm who matter, it could be something like “Mr. Big is very glad that I’m committed to my career and we’ve agreed that I will continue to focus on my career in the long-term. I’m determined to become Senior Associate (or whatever) and will demonstrate that by the high quality of my work product.” To people who don’t have an impact on your career, just a Miss Manners’ type brush-off would be in order. Perhaps others will have other solutions.
Coach Laura
Just a clarification – by “salary not known” I mean that most people can ball-park a surgeon’s salary so that it’s a known factor, and there’s no anxiety. When it’s not known, then some people feel compelled to find out so they can “peg” the other person. If your hubby was a football player who had just signed a $XX million contract, they would have their curiosity satisfied. The fact that they can’t makes them act rudely, not that that’s an excuse.
Litigatrix
Random question….but does anyone have advice for selling a few pieces of clothing online? I have a few pieces of new/newish items that I have not worn but are too good to give away. I looked into ebay, but I get a bit overwhelmed. There are no consignment stores in my area, so I am thinking of online resale places. Is there a marketplace for corporette ladies by chance? I thought there was a thread about that awhile ago, but I can’t seem to find it. :)
Litigatrix
Random question….but does anyone have advice for selling a few pieces of clothing online? I have a few pieces of new/newish items that I have not worn but are too good to give away. There are no consignment stores in my area, so I am thinking of online resale places. Is there a marketplace for corporette ladies by chance? I thought there was a thread about that awhile ago, but I can’t seem to find it. :)
Joan Holloway
You may want to look into ClosetDash.
Sarah
Completely off-topic, but I just graduated law school and I’m starting work at a biglaw Manhattan firm in a few weeks and I’m trying to decide on a work appropriate bag. I’m thinking the Le Pliage bag, just because I saw so many associates with one when I was a summer associate there. Do you think the bilberry color is appropriate for work (shown here: http://is.gd/NDrknZ) or do I need to go for a more traditional black? Also, is this even the right bag to be using for work? Any ideas/thoughts/suggestions/words of wisdom would be much appreciated! Thanks!
anon
This site (and the comments) has covered appropriate work bags countless times. Personally, I would avoid the one that everyone else has, but I guess we can’t all be mindless conformists.
Anon for this
I for one, cannot stand these “we talked about it before” replies. Not everyone started reading this site at the same time, and there may be new insights/ideas/developments even if a topic has been discussed before. If you must, post a link to the thread with a constructive comment like “this thread might answer your question.”
Anon
Many might disagree but I feel the Longchamp Le Pilage is too casual. I have a few and they are great but I only use them on weekends, casual Fridays, on vacation and if I want a second tote bag to take to work to put my laptop, papers in. Its not a structured bag and you can come across as disorganized when you rummage through it to find something. Happens to me all the time when I take it shopping! I would try to buy the best structured leather bag within your budget instead. If you must get a Le Pilage, I feel the short handle is slightly more professional and classy looking than the long handle. All the best with your new job!
TO lawyer
The Pippa!!! Comes in a ton of neutral and fun colours, is structured, has pockets… pockets are not quite big enough for laptops – my macbook pro 13′ doesn’t fit, but I always use one of the main pockets for papers/briefs to carry back and forth to work. I’ve found it to be really good quality and I’m looking forward to breaking mine out again in a couple weeks. (I have the black and put it away for the spring/summer).
...
I don’t know if you are still reading but…
The bag is appropriate, esp. if many associates have it at that particular firm (I like the bilberry color too). There are many worse options. But it does veer casual. And I don’t think it makes you a “mindless conformist” – there’s a reason that bag is so popular – its lightweight, holds a ton of stuff, and lasts forever.
Consider MZ Wallace bags (I have the Jane) – also light weight and roomy, but with lots of pockets so they don’t get all disorganized, and they have that ~something~ that makes them look less casual.
Posters here ask for suggestions for bags a lot on this site, so if you browse the comments from the past week or two I’m sure you’ll see lots more suggestions.