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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 364 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Cap Sleeve Dress with Buckle Belt

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Adrianna Papell Cap Sleeve Dress with Buckle BeltThis kind of dress has its pros and cons. The pros: big sale, lots of sizes, bright color, very versatile shape. The cons: that bright color, the buckle belt, and possibly the “faux wrap” skirt (you can't see online exactly how far the slit, if any, goes). So here's what I'd do: order it and see how it fits me in the bust, waist, and skirt — and then (if all is good in those dimensions) consider taking it to a tailor to remove the belt, and sew up the slit (if there is any). For some reason I'm seeing this with earthy neutrals — for a business casual day, perhaps a cognac corset belt, black tights, brown knee-high boots, and a gray boyfriend cardigan. For a more dressed-up day I might try it with an olive (or navy/black/white/gray/brown) blazer, sheer hose, and classic pumps. The dress was $139, but is now marked to $49.97 at Nordstrom Rack (which has some great deals on party dresses if you're looking). Adrianna Papell Cap Sleeve Dress with Buckle Belt Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

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Comments

  1. Excel?

    Can anyone recommend the best book, website, tutorial, or whatever for mastering the basics in Excel? I’ve never had to use it for more than SUPER basic tables and lists and I’d really like to get better at it, but it’s kind of overwhelming to find the best guide out there. TIA!

    • AnonConsultant

      I have Bill Jelen’s “Excel 2010” as a reference book on my shelf, and have found it helpful when looking up functions/syntax. I have not used any of his beginner’s guides, but they might be worth looking into. His website lists a number of modules: http://www.mrexcel.com/learnexcel.shtml

      • Cb

        Could you start using it for day to day practical things? Tracking your household budget or building a schedule just to get more comfortable?

        • Mpls

          This – I have a lot more success in retaining this stuff when I have a project that I need it for. The tips and tricks I’ve picked up really relate to constant usage.

          I think what would be really helpful is something that explains the different things that Excel does (and then explains how it does it) and what kind of tasks are suited to which kinds of commands.

    • NOLA

      I have taught Excel workshops and, from what I’ve experienced, it’s fairly easy to learn the basics, but then the more complex things depend on how you’re trying to use it. Are you trying to make it look pretty? Do graphs and charts? Complexity of formulas? Reading from one sheet to the other? Freeze panes for readability? Microsoft has, I believe some free info and some of it is learning how they describe things. You could also subscribe to Lynda.com for tutorials. You can watch short tutorials for each of the things you’re trying to learn.

    • CanadiEm

      Figuring out what you want to know is going to be the hardest part – it sounds like you’re at the point where you’re not even sure exactly what you want to ask.

      Where to look and what “basics” you’ll want really depend on what you want to do with it. Data analysis? Tables, PivotTables, and Lookups. Budgeting? Formatting and different kinds of formulas (IF formulas are great for conditional calculations). Charts? Depends on what you’re using them for.

      I have always learned things as I’ve needed them, or as I’ve discovered them. Learning “the basics” in an abstract sense hasn’t worked for me if I haven’t had to use it (slides right back out of my brain if I don’t have a practical application).

      If I need to find out how to do something specific (say, format a cell if it’s a high value), I’ll google “how do I XYZ” and check the help file (F1).

      Other times, I’ll find something neat that someone else has done (for example: entering today’s date as a static value using Ctrl; or using VLookups in data wrangling).

      If you really don’t know where to start, maybe check out a local community college’s continuing ed offerings for an Excel Basics class.

      You could also try the “fool around” method, and just start clicking on buttons to see what they do (have a spreadsheet with a table of at least 3 columns and 4 rows). Some functions work for individual cells, others are for ranges, so play around and if you find something interesting, follow it up with searches on the name of the button.

      • snowy

        googling “how to do X in Excel” (or whatever program I’m trying to use) is always my go-to. You can often google “VBA macro to do X” and find someone has already written code that solves your problem!

    • IT Chick in MN

      For specific tasks you want to do, I highly recommend Contexture’s Excel Tips blog. I’ll put the link in a separate comment. They are the first place I go to when I need to learn something.

      For a basic orientation so you have some ideas of what you COULD do in Excel, I actually recommend Microsoft’s free training on their website.

    • Mladymac

      I’d start with the tutorials in EXCEL on the Microsoft website – and do not skip the exercises.
      There are multiple ways to do things so you’ll need a little patience. for specifics – you can use the help function within EXCEL itself , google your question and you can look at endless numbers of videos on you tube. There are free classes at the library, at Goodwill Training Centers, and at unemployment offices in most cities. There’s also the option of hiring a personal tutor and most high school seniors would love the $ 50 and the chance to show off. Good Luck.

  2. FP

    Ladies – I thought I’d offer my Lo & Sons OMG here before sticking it up on ebay. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just too small for me (I’m a full time student and full time worker, and I think I just need a big old tote bag to lug my books/gym stuff/lunch). I’ve had it for six months and it’s still in perfect shape and I’m happy to send close up pictures of everything. Black with lavender interior. I saved the original tags and dust bag. I’d sell it (including shipping) for $150. Is anyone interested? Email is kelsween one two zero one at yahoo dot com.

  3. Junior Associate Help?

    I’m a junior associate in NYC biglaw and I’m afraid I’m getting burnt-out but have no idea how to make it clear to my job that I am getting increasingly depressed in all areas of life due to the job and am considering leaving if it doesn’t change soon (i.e. I have polished my resume, am in contact with recruiters, told friends I am looking, etc.).

    I billed over 2400 hours last year, have taken 2 vacation days since I started work, am constantly on-edge waiting for the next email to come in, don’t eat properly, and am anxious all the time. Anytime I express my frustrations at this, I’m told that it’s normal, and “everyone goes through it,” and I just should suck it up and get on with it. I feel like a giant ball of stress and just want to lash out at everyone, at work and in other areas of my life, almost all day, every day.

    Does anyone have any short-term coping mechanisms or advice on how to manage? Or advice on how to broach the topic at work in a way that makes it clear that I’m not asking to be given special treatment or not taking work seriously?

    • anon

      Can you take a vacation soon? I’d make that my first priority. Can you turn down some incoming work? If you billed 2400 hours they aren’t going to fire you for turning down some work if you have too much (at least, that’s my impression of biglaw).

    • Anon

      Okay, tough love:

      “how to make it clear to my job that I am getting increasingly depressed in all areas of life due to the job and am considering leaving if it doesn’t change soon”

      You don’t. You don’t make it clear to your job, because your job doesn’t care. To them, you are a cog. If you leave, they will replace you. Tomorrow.

      YOU are the one who needs to make the changes. Obviously BigLaw time demands are real, but you need to make yourself more a priority. Eating well, sleeping, exercising, whatever you need to do to moderate your stress level, etc.

      But trying to figure out the right way to approach your bosses about this is the wrong approach, because your bosses aren’t going to care, or really be able to make the necessary changes anyway, because it sounds like the changes that you need to make are personal ones.

      • HSAL

        I think this is good advice. Prioritize yourself, don’t ask your job to prioritize you.

      • mascot

        Even if you end up leaving BigLaw, being a lawyer is stressful.You will still need the skills necessary to moderate your stress level, set boundaries, manage up, and so on.
        And take vacation.

      • posey

        absolutely. I had to read that line 3 times because I was certain you didn’t actually mean that your job should care. They don’t, and if you tell them you’re about to leave unless conditions change they’ll probably ask you to turn the lights off on your way out. You need to prioritize taking time off and taking vacation days – no one is going to do that for you. Tell the people you work for now that you’re taking a week off in March (this is plenty of notice) and then actually take that time off. Even if you don’t go anywhere and end up sitting in your apt for that week.

      • BigLaw

        Second this. Also, it took me 5 years to learn this lesson. I finally left when my sanity, marriage and ability to parent had been compromised and were pretty badly damaged.

        This — “I feel like a giant ball of stress and just want to lash out at everyone, at work and in other areas of my life, almost all day, every day. ” DID leak out into my everyday life. My family used the term “free-flowing anxiety” with me – that stress of either (a) working your tail off, or (b) waiting to find out you will be working your tail off, manifested itself in just about everything I did. I finally left for an in-house position, and I don’t think I appreciated how truly anxious I was until I started leaving that fear behind.

        Short answer – don’t “manage” the stress if it just means you are pushing it elsewhere. Maybe take some time to do hard looking at whether this is really what you WANT to feel like, and adjust accordingly. And – amazingly – I was one of the few who actually LIKED the job, but the anxiety turned unbearable.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, I have to agree with all of this.

        And honestly, if you bring this to your superiors, their response will not be one of care and concern, it will be that you are a whiner. Part of the job is the ability to handle the crushing stress and fear.

    • JJ

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. In the short term – take a vacation. 2400 is a lot and don’t let anyone tell you differently. You deserve some time off, so take vacation unapologetically. Even just having a vacation on my schedule to look forward to will put me in a better mood. As for bringing it up at work, I always phrase it something like “I wanted to let you know that I will be out of the office from X to X because I will be [in fabulous destination/on vacation]. I’ll make sure that we are in good shape on our case/deal before I leave, and will be available should any emergencies arise.” (Although I only use that last phrase with partners that I know will only contact me in REAL emergencies).

      Long term – it’s good that you’re looking and actively trying to get out. Are people in the firm the ones telling you that it’s normal, to suck it up, etc? If so, then you’ve got a pretty good picture of firm culture and what it will take to succeed there. Some people live for billing crazy hours. If that’s not your jazz, then it’s time to move on to somewhere that more closely matches your desired career/lifestyle.

    • LH

      You have my sympathy, 2400 is a lot by any standard. I agree with others – take a vacation as soon as you possibly can, preferably one that is totally relaxing (lying on the beach in a beautiful tropical place is my preferred way to relax). You’ve definitely earned it. Long term, consider that BigLaw (and many other jobs) will only give you as much of a personal life as you insist on. This is not to say, of course, that you should blow off work regularly to socialize with friends, but as others said, you have to make eating, sleeping, and taking occasional days off a priority. I can’t say this is true for all firms, but I know of many places (that are not considered “lifestyle firms”) where you can take care of yourself, do good work and work very hard (within the limits of taking care of yourself) and be successful. However, that doesn’t mean that if you give them everything they won’t take it and work you to death. They will. So you have to push back to some degree as far as making time for yourself. How much you push back probably depends on how much you need the job (I’m sure its easier to say no to things when your loans are paid off, for example) but remember that no job is worth sacrificing your health or life for. I hope you get some sleep and vacation soon.

    • Old cars

      Maybe you can start by going dark (put an OOO on your e-mail so you get two days of downtime over the weekend) when other people are not working. Stop checking your mobile device if you’re not on deadline for something. Be 100% on when you’re in, but then lean the hell out.

      I don’t normally encourage stealth foot-dragging, but I think it’s a skill to learn when you’re in extremis. Also, people will overwork you if you make it easy for them to do so.

      • Anonymous

        I am a huge proponent of “leaning out” on the weekends and after hours if possible. Sure, the emails come in, but I’m not above saying “I’m going to be away from my phone this evening or this weekend until Sunday afternoon.” Whatever it is, I’ll sometimes even check my email but I am careful to not let myself respond unless it is a true emergency.

        • Woods-comma-Elle

          Yes, yes and yes.

          If you respond to every e-mail that comes in over the weekend, even if it isn’t urgent, you have no boundaries and create an expectation that you are always available. It’s much harder for people to actively ask you to be available than passively sit back while you reply to everything that comes in. All that will happen is you will burn out.

          • mascot

            +1. Unless you are actively monitoring a project that requires immediate responses, get out of the habit of checking your email in your free time. I had to do this during the week. From 6:30-8 pm is time with my family. If I check email then, I inevitably spend that time worrying about what needs to be done (which I can’t handle at that moment anyway) and not paying attention to my family. It’s easier to just put my phone away and check when i can give it my full attention.

        • Shay-La

          Aside from “leaning the hell out” (LOVE that!) the other thing I do is respond to emails so people know I’ve received their request, but say when I will be getting to it. “Request received, I’ll get to this first thing Monday morning.” My group is very small, so we’re usually informal in emails. Rarely do I get a response indicating the assignment needs to be done any sooner. The vague tone of “I will get to this Monday” could imply you’re working on other things until then, in addition to you’re not doing anything till then. I’ve never had anyone ask me to explain why.

      • TBK

        This totally depends on your firm. At my old firm there is no way this would fly (especially with a junior associate — midlevels and senior associates with good track records *might* get away with this). You should be able to, however, establish for yourself a few set times over the weekend when you check your email. Maybe Friday night before bed, Saturday noon, Saturday before bed, Sunday noon, and Sunday night. Instead of replying “I’ll get to this on Monday,” I would reply “What’s your timeline on this — okay if I start Monday?” that shows that you understand that sometimes things do need to be done immediately.

        As for the vacation advice, I completely agree. What’s your firm’s track record on letting people take vacations? I would first just take a day or two for a weekend get away in the near term. I’d also put a week-long vacation on the books for March or so (assuming you have no major deadlines then). How often are people asked to cancel their vacations? Not do you feel like you have to cancel, but what do other people do? If other people manage to take vacations, then you need to start doing it, too. You’re a junior associate. The world will not end if you’re out for a week, I promise.

        Also, I second everyone’s advice about your work not caring. It’s on you to figure out if you can make big law work for you, or if you can’t. It’s okay if you can’t. It’s an insane lifestyle. As for them caring if you leave, maybe a few of the people you work with will miss you, but big law’s business model depends on its younger lawyers leaving. If you leave they won’t care. If you leave and go someplace useful to them — in-house at a client’s, for example, or to do something flashy like become an AUSA — they’ll care only in that they’ll be really happy to have an alum they can call on/brag about. “Threatening” to leave does nothing in big law but lower people’s respect for you, to be perfectly honest.

    • anon-oh-no

      the best advice anyone ever gave me as a young associate in BIGLAW as far as trying to maintain sanity was to just schedule a vacation — dont ask anyone and dont wait for the perfect time becuase it is unlikely to come. Obviously you dont want to schedule it when you know there is a trial coming up or some other big thing, and you should be preparred to cancel it if something really important comes up, but if you dont schedule a vacation, you will never go on vacation and you need that time to recharge your batteries.

      And FWIW, in 10+ years of practice for me and my husband, we have only canceled one vacation and it was when we were first years.

    • Anon

      Everyone here has already given you great advice. I’m a mid-level associate in BigLaw. 2400 hours is a TON by general U.S. standards, but it’s pretty average for a top firm. I do not suggest talking to your superiors about this. Your firm’s attitude — I am sure — will be suck it up, and if you don’t like working this much, leave. It will not reflect well on you to complain.

      HOWEVER, this does not mean you have to keep living like this. I only billed 2100 hours this year, and took every single one of my vacation days, at a firm where those hours are below average. I probably won’t make partner if I don’t start working harder, but I had a glowing review and have a great reputation because I am responsive, available, and do good work. My hours are lower than some of my colleagues because I do not let the job take over my life. A BigLaw firm will take as much of you as you give them. That’s the model — they pay you a salary and then make money for every single hour that you work. So obviously they want you to work as much as possible. And they will *not* care that you are polishing off your resume. The model is built on the vast majority of associates leaving. That doesn’t mean they don’t like you or your work, but it means that they have accepted that even associates who are great and seem happy will most likely leave someday.

      Here’s my advice: You need to learn how to make time for yourself. Your job is not going to do that for you. I have friends here who are close to billing *3000* hours and are miserable, and it is because they LET it happen to them. For starters, you really, REALLY need to learn how to take vacation. As others have said, schedule your vacations. And then take them. Don’t ask to take one. Instead, tell the people on your cases/deals “I will be out of the office on X days, returning on X day.” Obviously do not do this if you are about to go to trial, etc., and make sure you give notice well in advance (a month, if possible). In addition to taking ALL of your vacation, learn how to avoid taking on new work/more work when you are swamped. If you have a slower day, leave the office (obviously check your blackberry obsessively). Don’t come in on a weekend if you don’t have to. Stop volunteering if you don’t have to. (Note: I’m assuming that you have zero interest in making partner… this is not how you should treat your job if you want to stay super long-term.)

      Finally, you need to get a little perspective and take responsibility for your own happiness. Your job is not your whole life. Your employer does not have any responsibility for your happiness — that’s on you. If you’ve made the changes I’ve outlined above and you are still unhappy at your job, you should leave. Coming out of BigLaw, you should have plenty of opportunities to go to smaller firms with lower hours and lower compensation. I’m sure you have student loans and living on less will be difficult, but you CAN make it work. Your happiness is way more important.

      • saltylady

        I’m going to agree with this. It’s worth a shot to assert yourself. You can worry about it, take on every piece of work that comes your way, work a million hours, make sure never to leave before 1am, whatever. But if you end up quitting in a huff in year four, it really doesn’t matter. Might as well take a few risks now– take a vacation (gasp!), be “too busy” to work on something for once, dare to leave the office before 9pm (“I’m gonna do some work at home”).

        I did all these things and more, and I ended up staying at that firm much longer than my gunner friends who fell over themselves to work past midnight every night. What’s more, we all ended up in similar places. For the record, none of my friends stayed and became partners. Everyone headed for the hills by year 10– and I was the last of them.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      This isn’t a “subject” you need to “broach.” Obviously you can’t dial back to 1500 hours unilaterally and without notice, but take the work you can reasonably handle (say, 2200 hours’ worth), and decline the rest by explaining what else is already on your plate. It’s as simple as “Sorry, but I don’t have time for J because I’m doing A, B, and C tasks for X, Y, and Z cases.” Hold your line.

      Additional things to do. Schedule a vacation ASAP (bonus points if you choose a location with limited or no cell/internet access!) and then take the vacation. When you get back, pick something to do at least once a week that will force you to set limits for yourself on your time in the office – a morning or evening exercise class, a date with a running partner or running group, breakfast or drinks or dinner with a person/people you really look forward to seeing (and therefore won’t blow off except when truly necessary), a book club, a knitting circle, whatever floats your boat. It’s easier to leave when you have a reason to.

      Last piece – in BigLaw, everything will ALWAYS be presented to you as a “crisis” that needs to be handled “omgoshrightnowthisveryminute.” Almost none of those things will actually be real crises. Almost all of those things can be done tomorrow, or the next day, with no negative effect on the client. Don’t get swept away by others’ emotional tides – you’ve done enough in the law to know the difference between CRISIS and “crisis” – don’t be afraid to prioritize accordingly. (If anything, people will appreciate you for being “the calm one” in the room.)

      • posey

        I second the last paragraph. Almost nothing ever NEEDS to happen after 8pm or on a weekend. Courts and banks are closed. Yet everything will be presented as a total crisis or emergency, and the extent that you believe that is very directly correlated to the extent of your Stockholm Syndrome.

      • Woods-comma-Elle

        This last bit is so true. Only very few things are genuine emergencies/needs to be done right now and a lot of time partners love to fuel this because they want to be seen as doing stuff for the client at the drop of a hat and being responsive. The more senior you become, the more you will learn to judge which stuff genuinely needs to be done right now and which stuff can be done in two hours’ time. For me (in transactional BigLaw), the biggest reason for these kinds of emergencies is the time difference – someone will realise that the bank will close in Hong Kong in fifteen minutes and XYZ document needs to be signed before then, but even in that area, fire drills are often just that – drills, not actual fires.

    • Anita

      Everyone’s advice here is good. Try to cut back on work and prioritize your health and well-being. I add only that not everyone is built to be a Biglaw lawyer. Maybe this isn’t the path for you, and if that’s so, that is JUST FINE. There are so many other fulfilling and challenging careers for lawyers.

    • Bonnie

      Another vote for scheduling a short vacation. You should schedule something outside the U.S. so you have a reason for being inaccessible to phone calls and email. A 5-day trip to an all-inclusive in the Caribbean is my cure for burnout.

  4. Sydney Bristow

    I have another tax question. I get paid weekly so I’ve set up my Roth IRA contributions to be done each week and max out for the year. I maxed out 2013 and I’ve made my first contribution for 2014.

    I’m getting married this year and we thought we would file taxes as married filing separately so his income doesn’t affect my IBR payments. I’ve calculated that my payments would go up $400-800/month depending on how much I make this year. While technically I can afford this if I continue working as much as I have been, it will slow down my attempts to pay off my private loans ASAP.

    The problem I’ve discovered is that married filing separately means I can’t contribute to a Roth IRA if I make over $10,000, which I will. How do we choose whether to file jointly or separately? I don’t have a 401k so my Roth is my only retirement. It looks like I could still contribute to a nondeductible IRA and then possibly convert that money into a Roth the following year, but what do I do with the amount I’ve already contributed to the Roth for 2014? Is it better to just bite the bullet on bigger IBR payments and file jointly? Is there anything I’m missing?

    We might just go sit down with a tax advisor or financial planner but I wondered if anyone had experience with this.

    • Anonymous

      So very weird. I was coming to post a marriage related tax question myself… ’tis the season I suppose!

      I was wondering if there’s any benefit to leaving your deductions as “single” versus “married” once you are married. I’m playing the game of more take home pay would be nice, but a big tax bill would really really suck. Thoughts?

    • Sarabeth

      Look up the ‘back door’ method of contributing to your IRA (that may be what you are referring to as the conversion). I’m pretty sure you don’t need to file jointly to take advantage of that. I’ll post a link below that seems to address the issue directly. Not a bad idea to check with your accountant if you have one, or maybe just put in a call to your brokerage.

      • Sarabeth

        In other words, in case this isn’t clear, I think that you can make non-deductible contributions to a traditional IRA this year, then next year roll over those contributions to a Roth IRA. You will end up with the same (or close to the same – it depends a bit on market gains during this year) tax advantage as if you had made the contributions directly to a Roth. You can do this regardless of income and filing status.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Thank you. That is what I was referring to as the conversion. I’ll check out that link for the details.

          • Sarabeth

            Also, to answer the part of your question that I missed originally, I believe you can “recharacterize” the contributions you’ve already made to your Roth to a traditional IRA at any point up to when you file your 2014 taxes (although better to do sooner than later because, again, any gains/losses that your investments have will make the tax basis a bit tricky).

    • Mpls

      You really just have to run the numbers (presumably with your tax advisors). There are so many quirks to each person’s situation that it’s hard to extrapolate from one to the next.

      But in generally, married filing separate is a LOT less advantaged than married filing joint. There are so many things that just aren’t available for MfS that are available for MfJ – so I’m not surprised that you are seeing that result.

      • Sydney Bristow

        That’s kind of what I was beginning to realize. I think I’m mostly concerned that we can’t really run the numbers until the end of the year because my income varies a lot from year to year. I can’t seem to figure out how much I’d be penalized for my Roth contributions if I contribute all year and then we decide to file separately and if I should just contribute to a nondeductible IRA instead.

      • lucy stone

        This is so true. My IBR payments doubled and my husband and I combined do not make a lot of money relative to most other posters on this site. However, my husband is self-employed and we live in a community property state and we figured out that we’d pay so much more in taxes v. taking the student loan hit that we just pay extra every month.

    • HSAL

      Keep in mind that married filing separately also means you won’t get the student interest loan deduction.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I don’t normally get it because my income is too high. At least it is as a single taxpayer. I’ll look at that for married filing. Thanks for pointing that out!

          • Sydney Bristow

            I didn’t realize it either until I was doing my taxes the first year that I worked a ton of hours and Turbo Tax helpfully pointed it out to me.

    • Brant

      As another option, could you contribute the $$ you’d contribute to the Roth IRA to a separate savings and/or money market account for the year, then you have more time to figure things out with a tax advisor and your fiance. Things to consider:

      — if you are married filing jointly and make over 190k you can’t contribute to a Roth at all (though as suggested below you can still do it via the “back door”).
      –the benefit of the Roth IRA is that you’re paying your tax rate now, instead of your rate when you withdraw. Regardless of how you file, when you look at your + DH’s tax liability, is this still a savings for you? Or might you be better off contributing to a regular IRA and paying taxes down the road?
      -Like others said, you’re probably better off filing jointly, even though it impacts your IBR, given all the deductions/credits you miss out on by filing separately.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Interesting thought on putting it in savings/money market account for now. I guess I’m not really familiar with money market accounts but wouldn’t I potentially be leaving money on the table because of the returns I can get throughout the year instead of contributing a big chunk later if the market continues doing well?

        Thanks for the other things to consider too. I’m making a list of things to learn about and then go over with an advisor.

        • Interrobanged

          This is the way my husband and I do it because his earnings are inconsistent from year to year, so we never know our maximum Roth IRA contribution until the end of the year when we can look at our AGI. I have never really worried about the lost profits of not contributing during the year. Maybe this means that I’m a bad investor, but this is the way we do it.

        • Brant

          Not sure I understand your question. Presumably your Roth IRA is made up of funds and/or stocks. Just contribute to the same or similar funds/stocks through a brokerage house (e-trade/schwab/edward jones/merril lync/sharebuilder/whatever) instead of via the IRA. If/when you move it into the IRA, just move it all over.

          The only thing you’ll have to be mindful of is paying cap gains taxes on the interest…but we’re talking about ~$5k into a Roth IRA, right? So even if you had a gangbusters year and you were up 20%, you’d only be paying taxes on $1k (assume 12% federal and 5% state…and that’s about $200 in taxes)

          • Sydney Bristow

            Oh ok I understand. In my head a money market account was something more like a savings account. That makes more sense, thanks!

    • posey

      I was under the impression that getting married affected your IBR payments regardless of how you filed your taxes (I thought the rules on IBR were pretty strict and even long-term live-in relationships could affect payments). I could be wrong. But I would double-check that.

        • Sadie

          This is my understanding as well. I graduate law school in May so I’ve been checking on it. My husband and I file joint (filing separate isn’t really an option for a variety of reasons including kids, it just doesn’t end up making sense) and his income alone precludes my qualifying for IBR/ PAYE, no matter what I make. Fortunately my loans aren’t dreadful (about as much as a really nice car instead of a house, lol). But yes, filing separately eliminates the inclusion of spousal income from IBR.

          It still counts for some school’s LRAP programs, maybe that’s what posey is thinking of?

        • Hollis Doyle

          No, if you’re married and file taxes separately then only your income counts toward calculating your payments for IBR. My DH and I have been doing this for the last 4 years and my payments have stayed the same. I’ve even heard a rumor that you can file married filing separately for IBR purposes and then amend your return later to file jointly in order to take advantage of more tax breaks, but we have never felt comfortable doing that so we haven’t.

    • WestcoastLawyer

      No advice on filing jointly v. singly, but you can contribute to a traditional IRA and then immediately convert it to a Roth regardless of your filing status. It’s a stupid loophole in the law, but my tax attorney suggested it and I’ve done it for the last couple years. It’s a pain (you have to set up a traditional account, make your 2014 contribution, then roll the funds into an existing Roth or set up a new one to roll them into) but worth it to have the gains tax-free.

    • DC Association

      I have no advice but wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS! I haven’t been reading thissite as regularly as I used to, so missed the announcement that you got engaged. So wonderful!!

    • anon not to out

      Married filing separately is not a filing status that you can choose. It has very specific requirements- and implications. It is generally used for spouses where one spouse is incarcerated, for example. In my professional experience, it would be super uncommon for the IRS to allow a couple living in the same house to file separately unless there is some extremely bizarre legal situation that prevents the couple from living as a married couple.

      Filing statuses are not like deductions where you can choose. They are based on a set of requirements that qualify you for different filing statuses. I don’t know why you felt you qualify for married filing separately (maybe your spouse actually is incarcerated) but I would sit down with a CPA to discuss this choice. Also, know that IRS is more likely to audit high-earning couples both filing as married filing separately (than for instance that same joint income filing as married) because they know that they are unlikely to actually qualify for the status.

      • Topanga

        I’m not sure why you think that – if you are married you can definitely file as “Married Filing Separately.” It is generally not favorable for tax reasons though because you cannot take a lot of deductions and there are often lower thresholds.

        • Topanga

          One thing to note, if you live in a community property state and do not have a prenup stating otherwise, both partners’ income from community property (including wages) is split 50/50 on the tax return if you file separately.

  5. Car Recommendation?

    It looks like my car, a mid-sized sedan I loved, is a goner. I’m waiting on the official word now. I really want them to say it’s fixable (I was in an accident), but I think it’ll be easier to get the bad news if I start working on a plan to replace it ASAP. Can anyone recommend some dependable makes/models that hold their value since I’ll probably be looking at something with relatively high mileage (~100k)? Toyotas and Hondas seem like the best bet, but I really have no idea. I’m open to sedans and small SUVs.

    • L

      That’s terrible. The good part is you’re okay! I’d also include Suburu on that list. Also, I hadn’t shopped for cars in years, but consider new. In my family you don’t ever buy new, but after cash for clunkers a lot of the great deals on used cars are about equivalent to a new car, depending on what you can swing for down payment. Obviously this is only worth it if you drive a lot. If you don’t, maybe look into something like Zipcar?

      • amelia earhart

        Respectfully, I’d say look out for Subarus. I wouldn’t want to be a second owner of one, they are notorious for engine problems and that’s the last thing you’d want to deal with.

        • Anon

          Is this an issue with newer ones? We have a ’99 subaru that rarely has any problems.

        • In Rem

          I have a 99 Subaru that’s had hardly any problems, and is still going strong. We finally needed a second car, so I bought another one because I like the lack of maintenance issues.

        • Sadie

          Our 02 Subaru just died with mid-100K miles on it. I can’t remember now what the problem was (It was an engine problem) but it was going to cost $3000 to fix it and the car was only worth $1500.

        • Chai

          I’ll stick up for Subarus and say that I’ve had two, a ’99 and an ’07, both of which were reliable to a fault, handled incredibly well, and never blinked at 8+ inches of snow. It was actually disappointing because I never had a real excuse not to go in to work/class.

          The Impreza, which I think has actually gotten bigger since I owned one, had one engine issue that was fixed in a day with a recall. It always had a ton of room (I’m a rider, so I was frequently throwing saddles, hay, etc in the back) and actually got better gas mileage than it was supposed to. If I didn’t want a smaller hybrid for my next car, I’d buy another one in a second.

        • Interrobanged

          I can’t say I agree with this. I live in what is apparently the Subaru Capitol of the World (Madison, WI) and everyone here loves theirs (including me and my husband). In fact, if you want to a buy a Subaru from the local dealer, you have to order it about two months in advance because they can’t keep their stock.

        • ITDS

          We had a ’99 Subaru that was totalled during a blizzard. It had about 80K on it, and had needed several large repairs once it got over 60K. We were procrastinating on replacing it when it was totalled, and were so glad to just get the check from the insurance and be done with it. We are huge fans of Mazdas and have several with over 100K that are very reliable.

          • Bewitched

            On the other hand, my 2007 Mazda CX-9 needed over $2000 in exhaust/muffler replacements in 2013. Not cool, Mazda, not cool!

        • KS IT Chick

          I’ve got an 04 Subarau Outback and love it. However, it is on its way to the 3rd major engine repair.

          The known issue is with leaking head gaskets. Because the engine is turned on its side, the gaskets have a different pressure on them (the shop & my husband explained it to me, but I don’t understand or remember all of the details). Then, getting to the head gasket to replace it is more expensive, since the engine has to be pulled to do so. We’ve been told that this happens about every 60K miles with the 02 to 07 configuration, and if we buy a later model (07 to 12), around every 90K.

          • to KS IT Chick

            This is going to sound wild, but I am a Subaru owner and my father runs a mechanic shop that now specializes in the Subaru head gasket issue.

            This is a one-time fix. It is expensive, ~ $3800, but this should not keep happening to you. He runs a mechanic shop, when mine had that issue ~120K he bought all the tools and learned how to fix it RIGHT using my car as his practice model one summer, then trained all his employees, now he makes – seriously – 10-15% of his business on this one issue.

            That car now has (seriously) 273K and no more problem ever. As far as I know he’s never had to have a repeat customer on that issue.

            I would seriously question the shop/get a second opinion if it keeps happening.

      • Car Recommendation?

        Thanks, that’s what everyone keeps reminding me. If the timing of the accident would have been slightly different, I could have been killed or paralyzed. It makes the car problem seem insignificant, but it’s still a problem I have to deal with. I appreciate the suggestion!

      • rosie

        +1 for Subarus. Although maybe not if you don’t need the AWD at all, since that can ding your efficiency a little, and if you absolutely never need it, it might not be worth it.

        And glad you’re ok!

      • ANP

        Another Subaru lover here. I can’t say enough good things about my 2006 Forester!

    • Ginjury

      You’re right. A Toyota or Honda is your best bet if you want something that lasts forever and holds its value. Obviously, they’re not luxury cars, but they’re reliable and very good value. I think Consumer Reports was a really good resource for evaluating cars when I purchased one a couple years ago. Because of it, I got a Honda Civic. I’m not sure if it still stands, but I think you generally want something under 100k miles. You should also make sure to check the Carfax report and avoid buying a car that was a rental since people drive them more carelessly.

      • tesyaa

        In 2008 we bought a 1996 Camry with $80K miles as a “station car” and it is FINE. Although it is a “station car” we have driven it on numerous trips of 200+ miles and it is FINE. I don’t recommend buying a 15-year old car – consider a newer one if only for the improved safety features – but I have only good things to say about the Camry.

        This doesn’t go for all Toyotas… I drive a 2006 Sienna that I bought new and I have had lots of problems with is. The Camrys, however, have an excellent repuation. Same for Accords.

        • frugal doc...

          +1

          I am still driving my 15 year old Toyota as my primary/only car. I keep up with the maintenance, and hope it will last another 10 years. My mechanic thinks it will!

          • Gail the Goldfish

            Same here. My brother still drives my 15 year old Toyota 4Runner, and I’m reclaiming it as soon as I move (though I may have to fight my brother for it, because he wants the exact same thing when I take it back and they’re hard to find because they’re so popular). It’s pretty much the car that will never die.

          • Gail the Goldfish

            Oh, and my mother recently bought a Toyota Highlander, which I really liked driving when I was home for Christmas. No idea how it will hold up long-term yet, but it was a good size and comfortable.

        • Lady Harriet

          My dad & brother are still driving my grandmother’s 1987 Camry. She took ultra-good care of it while she owned it, but we’ve only been mediocre about upkeep for the last 8 years or so. It’s still making it through cold and snowy Wisconsin winters. It may not have too many years left on it, but 25 years is pretty impressive for a car.

    • Old cars

      In my family, we call 100K miles the break-in period :)

      We’ve had most of our cars to >250K miles. If there is a CarMax near you, their “ValueMax” listings are for >5 year old cars or cars with high mileage that have been gone over pretty thoroughly and have CarFax reports.

      Very searchable inventory and you can pay to move a car from another dealer (warm, sunny state where road salt isn’t an issue) to closer to you.

    • Sparrow

      Sorry to hear about your accident! I have been driving Honda’s for years. I just got a used 2011 Accord to replace my ’04 Accord. It was a lease turn in and certified used car. I got a great deal on it at a “clearance” price.

      I would still be driving the ’04, but the axle broke and we figured it would be a good time to replace it. I forget how many miles the ’04 had on it – I think it was around 190K. A friend bought the car, fixed the axle and is driving it now so even though it’s 10 years old, it’s still going strong!

    • Miss Behaved

      In my family, we buy new, but then drive them into the ground. Last year I was in an accident and my Rav4 was totaled. I bought a Mitsubishi Outlander Sport. It’s been good so far and I got a great deal. In fact, it cost less than my Rav4, which was 11 years old.

      You can get some great deals on new cars, especially on cars that are from 2013 and not 2014.

    • lucy stone

      Mazda! I think you get more value for your money than with a Toyota or Honda and they tend to cost less new or used. I have a Mazda 3 and love it. I drove two Mazdas into the ground (high 100s for mileage) in Midwestern freezing winters and hot summers being garaged outside much of the time.

      • Anonymous

        +1 for Mazda. After being a Honda loyalist for years, I have now had 2 Mazdas (one VERY old and one brand new) and I just like the way they drive better than other similar makes. And if you drive a standard transmission, there is just no competition at the lower price point.

      • PolyD

        Yes, Mazda! Except, shhh, I don’t want a lot of people to know how great they are so I have to compete. I have a 2000 Mazda Protege and it didn’t cause any problems until it got over 150K miles – I had the timing belt go, and it was an expensive (about $1K) repair, but my mechanic believes I could a “comfortable” additional year out of the car if I wanted to. Other than that and a new alternator, all I’ve had to do with the thing is the usual brakes and oil changes, stuff like that.

        I am planning on buying a new car this year and am torn between the Mazda 3 hatchback and a Honda CRV.

        • Mpls

          My brother got a Mazda (3, maybe) as his first car after graduating college. And now that my Saturn is on the far side of 200k, I’ve been considering one as well – if only because there one of the few options out there that are likely to have a manual transmission.

        • lucy stone

          I have a 2010 hatchback, which replaced my 1999 Protege, and love it. It came with performance tires, which sucked in winter, but I replaced it with Continental DWS and I’ve had no problems in snow since then. I had a little trouble a few weeks ago with a 6″ storm due to ground clearance only. Mine also gets amazing mileage on the highway.

    • KLG

      It was with much prodding that my husband was finally convinced to part with his 1997 Civic (267K miles) a year ago so we could replace it with a new 2012 Civic (which I am very happy with since I have a long commute and it gets excellent gas mileage). Our other car is a 2002 Toyota Highlander (170K miles). Obviously I recommend both brands. :)

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Add Saabs to your list – I feel like I see ancient ones (10+ years old) kicking around all the time, so while I have no personal experience with one, I imagine they must go forever.

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        Saabs run forever! I love them, and I was so sad when they went out of business.

    • Anonymous

      My Subaru was totaled this summer, and I bought … another Subaru. Pluses: great on snow and ice, last forever if you don’t lose the head gasket, good for hauling around your stuff. Minuses: gas mileage is average, and they hold their value well so a used one can be more expensive than other similar cars.

    • Car Recommendation?

      Y’all are great! Ice/snow would usually not be a factor as I live in a southern sunny state, but the freak freezing weather this week were a factor in the incident. Good gas mileage is a huge factor. I really appreciate the input! List so far: Toyota Camry, Toyota Highlander, Honda Accord, Mazda 3, Subarus, Saabs.

      • Charmed Girl

        I’m actually going to caution you on Saabs (sadly). I had one 20 years ago in college that I loved. Got the bug for a convertible 6-7 years ago and got a Saab convertible. That car (a 2004) was the biggest lemon around. Was relieved to get rid of it two years after buying it and selling it for 1/3 what I paid for it. They USED to be great cars, but once GM purchased them in the early 2000s, the quality went down.

    • Susie

      I retired my Acura Integra at 19 years and a little over 300,000 miles. :) We replaced it with a 6 year old Prius.

    • January

      I was I kind of a similar situation last March, so I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through, including the loss of your car. I was driving a 2007 Honda Civic, which was in excellent condition and was still worth about $12k when it was declared a total loss. In part because of that, and in part because the car did allow me to walk away from that accident with very minimal injuries, I replaced it with another Civic. I miss my old car, but I’m pretty happy with the new one now. I considered a CR-V, but I understand that they don’t do so well in front-end collisions (which is what I experienced).

    • IT Chick in MN

      So glad that you are okay! They aren’t always cheap, but Volkswagens last forever. My partner’s 2000 Jetta TDI recently rolled over 300K miles and is still going strong. I will probably likely take it over and she’ll get a new car this summer. My favorite thing about it is that the interior/fit and finish are still like new.

    • Coach Laura

      I always buy used but my advice is to take any potential car to a *good* mechanice and ask said mechanic if they would buy that car used for their kid/sibling/friend. If they think it’s a good deal and has no major problems, then your risk is lowered. I’ve had mechanics tell me “heck no!”.

      *By good, a reputable mechanic who you have used or who comes highly recommended by a friend.

    • Jessica Glitter

      I have loved both a Toyota Camry (drove well over 200,000 miles) and Toyota 4Runner. I currently drive a 4Runner with 140,000 miles on it and love it.

    • Bonnie

      We are a Honda family and our two Civics (10 and 16 years old are still chugging along).

    • Silvercurls

      +1 to being a Honda family (2 Civics, currently 10 and 5 yrs old, both still running fine although we pay for regular maintenance; previous Civic would have run past the 10 years we had it except for a small but destructive accident)

      also +1 to every comment of glad that you’re OK! It’s a lot of money and aggravation to replace a car, but it’s _only_ money and aggravation…no injuries or heartache.

    • CapHillAnon

      A vote for Volvos here. Style and safety both, and they run for ever!

    • CDN Fleet Mgr

      Don’t rule out the possiblity of Domestic vehicles. They have come a LONG way in recent years in terms of reliability and longevity. The Ford Escape, for one, has been named most reliable SUV for several years in a row now, and for a reason. You can pick one up used (I recommend the 2008-2012 body style) for much lower than imports, typically.

      Other models I’d recommend are the new Jeep Cherokee, Ford Focus, or Dodge Avenger.

    • CountC

      Consider Nissans as well. Altimas seem to last forever and my 2001 Pathfinder (190k) has been a dream.

  6. SMSS

    Closet Cleanout Threadjack

    Okeydokey, this weekend I WILL clean out my closet and do a big donate pile. I’m saying it here so it’s been said and now I must be accountable, haha.

    Has anyone done this recently and lived to tell the tale (possibly with some tips/tricks/motivation)? Mostly I just need you all to tell me that it will be worth it and no, I do not still need to own 17 hooded sweatshirts from college.

    • anon in tejas

      It’s totally worth it. Also. its really helpful because in the morning, you’ll look through your closet and see more things that you like than more things that you feel meh about. YOU CAN DO IT!!

      I am probably ready for a purge myself. I did one a few years ago after losing some weight, and I certainly have favorites in my wardrobe which means a good 1/3 of my clothes just don’t get worn.

    • JJ

      It’s worth it. And, I recommend keeping some type of container in your closet that holds a “to be donated” pile. That way, you can just toss clothes in there throughout the year or at the change of seasons and not have to do a giant purge.

      • RR

        I do this for my kids, but for some reason never thought to do it for me–even after my purge. I am putting a bin in my closet this weekend.

        Yay for easy, great ideas.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I do this about once every six months/year, but I will say that I still have two bags of clothes under my bed to take to the charity shop from when I last did it in August.

      I found that a good general rule is, for everyday stuff, if you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it (though I don’t always follow this). I also started (unsuccessfully, I’m going to start again after my next clearout which I’m also thinking of doing this weekend) doing the ‘wear everything once’ thing. You wear everything in your closet for a day and if you don’t love it at the end of the day, out it goes. I think this will help me as I always find myself wearing the same stuff over and over and, really, that surely means I should get rid of the other stuff since I don’t love it as much (or it requires ironing, which I somehow never get around to).

      You have to be brutal, it’s the only way, but it will feel soooooooo much better and think of all the space you will have for NEW STUFF!!!

    • Sparrow

      Definitely worth it! For some items that I’m not 100% sure about donating, I’ll put them in a box and keep it in the basement or other room. That way I still have them on hand, but if enough time goes by and I’ve completely forgotten about them then they’ll go to charity.

    • Godzilla

      I recently googled “clothing donation pickup” and you can schedule someone to come pick up your piles of stuff online! No phone calls to make or anything. This intellectually excites me. Now I just have to do something about it.

      • Woods-comma-Elle

        Anything I can schedule online and does not require me to phone anyone, gets my vote.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Ditto. I avoid the phone like the plague for everything except catching up with family and friends.

    • R

      I did this when I was pregnant and nesting. A great tip someone passed to me:

      I tend to keep clothes for sentimental reasons, even if I’ll never wear them again. Make a sentimental quilt instead of having them take up space in your closet. It can either be a traditional quilt, where the squares are cut from your clothes (best for special occassion dresses), or it can be a patchwork quilt where you cut the main design out of each of the pieces (best for things like college tshirts or baby clothes). Obviously you don’t have to make the quilt yourself – just go to a local seamstress or google “sentimental quilts” to find online places.

      Anyway, I now have a lovely quilt of all my high school activity tshirts that makes me smile all winter. I think I’m going to do this with my daughter’s baby clothes too, rather than keeping them in a box for her “someday” kids.

      • R

        Forgot to mention, the tip came from a friend who had been in 15 (!!!!) weddings and didn’t know what to do with her bridesmaid dresses. The quilt actually turned out beautifully and she had an entire new closet to fill with real clothes!!!

      • anon-oh-no

        another idea for kids baby clothes (though the quilt is a lovely idea, had that ship not already sailed for me): I kept one of the cutest outfits as well as the coming home from the hospital outfit for each of my kids. The rest of their clothes was handed down to friends and relatives. I am lucky that we have a friend to hand down stuff to my daughter and it is like christmas every time a new bag (or three) full of clothes comes. Its a great way to re-use clothes (which is often worn very little) and the kids will still have something sentimental when they get older.

    • anon-oh-no

      i do this about once a year. i am most successful when i literally pull every single thing out of my closet (including shoes, belts, purses etc) and put stuff back in one by one. if it is a piece you wear a lot, it goes back in without issue, but if it is not, try it on and decide whether (a) it really fits, and (b) whether you will really wear it. depending on the piece, it also helps to make an outfit out of it right then and there so you know you will wear it.

      If there are pieces that have stains that cannot come out, get rid of them. If there are pieces that need to go to the tailor for some reason, do not put them back into your closet until they come back from the tailor. if they never go to the tailor, get rid of them. And if there are some pieces that you are not ready to let go of but you really dont wear much, give yourself until the next full appropriate season (or next years purge) and if you still dont wear it, git rid of it.

      I also reorganize my closet a couple of times a year (dont take everything out, but just change things up) so that I am reminded about pieces that might have gotton lost and they will then be in a different closet location.

      • hoola hoopa

        +1

        I pretend I’m trying it on at the store. Would I buy it today? If no, out. It’s really eye-opening and far more effective than if I just think “do I like this? do I wear it a lot?” because I will wear favorite items to death… and then beyond.

        I also use the approach mentioned above of putting the ‘maybe’s into a box in the basement or attic. Anything still there in a year goes.

        • CommentThis

          This is a great tip! Wasn’t planning on cleaning out my closet this weekend, but I am/will now and will implement this. Hope I still have something to wear after I’m done.

    • HappyHoya

      I recently cleaned out quite a bit (donated three big bags), and it feels so good, I plan on thinning out my closet again soon. My biggest struggle was that I’m trying not to shop very much (the stuff I need for my everyday life now isn’t what I will need for the long-term), so I found myself trying to justify keeping things for the silly reason that I didn’t want to replace them if I needed something similar again someday. What I’ve actually found is that with a less cluttered closet, it’s a lot easier to make decisions about what to wear, and I really do feel like I have more options and style. It’s so refreshing to not have to change outfits because the first one wasn’t quite right in terms of fit, or something was quirky about it (like a pair of pants where the rise only works with a specific type of top). I get the urge to shop much less often now, because I have fewer moments where I come across something in my closet that I don’t love, doesn’t fit right, or isn’t flattering.

      • Susie

        Last time I cleaned my closet I kept some things (mostly empire-waist shirts and dresses) because “I could wear them if I’m pregnant”. Don’t know if I will ever have kids so feels a little silly, and mostly I just feel guilty about getting rid of perfectly good stuff, but for now I have enough space to let myself do this.

        • HappyHoya

          I also struggle with feeling guilty about getting rid of perfectly good stuff. I find it helps to remind myself that someone else out there will use it and appreciate it more than I do or will, since it’s not like I throw things out, I donate them or give them directly to friends who want them. I could see how it would be a different analysis for you, though, if you have enough space. I live in a city where the price/sq. ft. of real estate makes it such that replacing items is almost always worth it if it means I can keep my living accommodations modest for as long as possible.

    • RR

      I did this on maternity leave. I went through by category–all the suits, then the jackets, then the pants, then the skirts, then the blouses, etc. I ended up with 3 bags of clothes for Goodwill/Dress for Success and a big box of shoes/accessories. What I did for each category is make a first, “easy” decision sweep, pulling the stuff I already knew had to go and that caused no angsty decision-making and keeping the stuff that I already knew I loved and wore all the time. Then, I went through again, trying to push myself on the stuff that I didn’t really wear and why, stuff that I loved that I needed to be honest with myself about it being time to replace, etc. At that stage, I tried on as needed. With all said and done, I probably still kept more than I should have. So, I told myself I’d reevaluate–both at the 6 month mark (when I’d purge what I hadn’t wore), and periodically (if I put something on a couple times and change my mind because I don’t really want to leave the house in it/it doesn’t make me feel good, etc.). I also streamlined hangers, making them all the same.

      The end result was great. I now really love and wear most of what’s in my wardrobe, and it paved the way for some really strategic shopping. I’ve been really successful in adding only needed/really useful pieces since, because I know what I have/what outfits I can make/etc. It took me a couple weeks, but like I said, I was on leave and so could only devote 30-60 minutes at a time most of the time (and I couldn’t spend all my 30-60 minute blocks when the baby was sleeping doing my closet!)

      • RR

        I wanted to add: I’ve been pretty brutal in recent purging (not just my closet–while I was pregnant with my 3rd, we got rid of just ridiculous amounts of stuff–a dozen bags of kids’ clothes from my son, tons of stuff that was in the room that became the baby’s room, etc.). I have never really regretted getting rid of anything except one pack n play (it was awesome, and we assumed that they’d improve over time but it really was awesome). Even that though, wasn’t that big of a deal (we could have gotten the same one again and chose a different model when all was said and done, so it was just a momentary regret that was really misplaced anyway).

        Bottom line: you aren’t going to miss stuff as much as you think you will.

          • C

            the moderation note never gets published – it just means your comment got hung up for using forbidden words (regr*tt*d is a sneaky one that includes r*tt*…)

        • Anon

          This. I just moved so i purged while packing and again while unpacking (because i wasn’t ‘ready’ enough during the first purge). Sometimes it is hard to let stuff go, but what i have found is once i finally do, I never miss it or think twice about it – which made it easier to say goodbye while unpacking to the other things I was on the fence about.

    • L

      It is so worth it. I always like to think of the people who will benefit from the clothes I donate. That sweatshirt you never wear could be keeping some homeless person warm at night.

      • SMSS

        Thank you to ALL for the notes! And L, this note about the sweatshirts is exactly what I needed to hear. Off it all goes!

    • Niktaw

      The website DonateStuff offers not only pickups from home but also provides bags that you can fill and drop off at UPS for free.
      They sort stuff for reuse, like wearable clothes, or recycling, think unraveled towels.

    • Bonnie

      Totally worth it. I do it every six months when I switch out my seasonal clothing. What works for me is to preschedule a donation pickup by the Purple Heart Foundation. I then tackle the clothing by type, trying on every single item because I may think that something fits when it’s on the hanger but learn otherwise when I put it on. It is tiring so doing your whole closet in one week may be overly ambitious but you can certainly get through all your bottoms or tops. I’ve become more rigid and with a few exceptions, I get rid of everything that does not fit now. Keeping clothing that may one day fit just makes me feel bad whenever I see that item in the closet. It also makes it much easier to get dressed in the morning when I know that everything in the closet is in good shape and fits well.

    • anonypotamus

      One of my favorite tricks is to ask myself: “if I were shopping right now, would I buy this?” That helps get over the hurdle of if I love it enough to give it space. I also do a version of the trick where I move stuff around based on when I wore it so that I can figure out after a period of time (6 months to a year) whether or not I have worn a piece. Obviously this doesn’t work as well for season- or occasion-specific items. I still have some items in my closet that are more for my dream life (fabulous parties or more dressed up weekend wear, when in reality I live in leggings/yoga pants/jeans during non-work hours), but am working on making every piece in my wardrobe a workhouse.

    • DC Association

      It also sometimes helps to have a friend come over and help you. If you’re on the fence about getting rid of something, try it on, the friend can say, “Babes, it doesn’t flatter you at all – you’re so much prettier than that top makes you look!” and then you put it in the bye-bye pile. The friend has no sentimental attachment, she can help you.

      Also…you can think about doing one donate pile and one consign pile. the consign pile being for those nearly new clothes that for whatever reason, you never wore. We all have them.

      Also…take a specific inventory of what you donate. Seriously…write down 12 hoodies; 3 dress pants; 4 t-shirts, etc. When you do your taxes you can look up the values (TurboTax has a program they use for this). You’ll end up being able to write-off much more.

      And finally, I second the recommendation for Purple Heart. You schedule the pick-up, leave it on the curb, easy-peasy!

  7. christineispink

    TJ: I’m looking for:

    A small phone case/pouch/holder.

    I am currently trying out the Coach East-West Universal case (link to follow). But it’s a bit snug with my phone + phone case in there. I prefer to keep a separate soft case directly on my phone as I do carry it in my hands a lot (subway/NYC commuter) but for quick errands out of the office and lunch, I’m looking for something more streamlined (wallet+phone holder).

    I don’t have or need a huge bulky wallet – I only carry about $20 in cash, my work ID, metrocard and 1 credit/debit card. So I used to use the Coach mini skinnies + phone in hand. But looking for one case/pouch that can do it all.

    Any/all suggestions welcome. TIA!

  8. Deep End

    Another tax related question –

    This year I did a cross country job search, moved for a job, got married and bought a house. Any suggestions on how to find a tax adviser? I would like to have a go to tax/financial adviser but I don’t know where to start in finding one.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I LOVE Fruegel Friday’s! And I love Nordstrom’s Rack store. Rosa goe’s to one in Westchester, and mabye I will go up to see her and the babie’s! Dawn is so cute that I told her she should model her, and Ed agreed. Ed has another guy for me now that I am a PARTNER, but the last one he sent over was a feed store clerk whose dad got him the buseness. FOOEY, b/c I am a self starter and need a REAL man, not a slob who had everything handed to him. More like a Gonzalo, but not with the hand’s on the tuchus and boobie’s! DOUBEL FOOEY on that!

      I have a new load of case’s from Roberta, who want’s me to visit with her and family this weekend. Her son will be there. Should I go? I say YES, b/c there is no other WORTHY guy in my life. No one at home believe’s that everyone I met down south looked like that dude from Duck Dynasty, tho Matt Lower is now bearded. I do NOT like beard’s because they either tickel me or are to rough for my soft skin. I am NOT a mountan goat so why would I date one??? DOUBEL FOOEY.

      I left my fitbit home but did NOT know it, so I am NOT getting any credit today. Dad will think I took the subway, but I am NOW on record ashaveing walked in. My tuchus may be getting a littel smaller, but I am not sure. Frank says he should be the judge of all thing’s tuchus, and those are his words. FOOEY on Frank, b/c he is married and has his own wive’s tuchus to monitor, not mine!

      I got a call from a HEADHUNTER askeing me if I wanted to go to a big WC firm in Brooklyn. I said NO b/c I do NOT know Brooklyn or the judge’s there. I have so many case’s on the docket right here that it would be DUMM to go there, even tho they said I would make more and would onley have to bill 2800 hour’s. I told her I bill twice that much and she was shocked. But then I told her I just made partner, and then she understood. YAY!!!! I would not leave her now that I am a partner and get a share of the profit’s, even tho the share is alot less then I thought based on my % of the LLP. That mean’s Limited Liability Partnership (a tax thing).

      • GlobalEmily

        I also could use this advice! Or a suggestion for a specific professional in the Philadelphia area. I moved for a job and am looking to buy a house in the next year. It’s time for me to stop doing my taxes myself with HR Block or TurboTax and find a trusted adviser.

        • Deep End

          This is exactly how I feel. I have used turbo tax for years and last year went to HR Block and had them do my taxes and check over my previous years. They didn’t find any errors, but everything was pretty straightforward.

          • Miri

            Philadelphia area CPA with whom I’ve worked for years:
            Jeanne E. Swain, CPA
            16 S Main St
            Yardley, PA 19067
            215-369-3234
            215-369-4322 (fax)
            JESwainCPA@aol.com

            She travels to meet clients.

      • Deep End

        Awesome! 2013 was a great year! And… I got my first Ellen reply. Though it doesn’t actually appear to be relevant to my question at all.

  9. Anonymous

    Another financial question- How much are you saving for retirement per month? What is your overall retirement amount goal and how did you reach that number? Are you single or married, and how does that change the calculation?

    • Anon

      I’ll bite – I’m saving approx $200/month. I’m 26 and single so not super concerned about the realities of retirement yet. I also move usually around $3000 into my retirement account from other savings accounts at the end of the year to help with my tax burden.

    • Anon

      Currently saving about $750/mo which includes a company match. I’d like to bump up my contribution a little this year, though. My goal is about $2.2 million for retirement in 2056. I’m 25, single.

    • Anonymous

      I’m 24 and single. I make 50k per year and save about $250 per month in my 401k. It gets a full employer match so it comes out to $500 per month. Honestly, I haven’t given much thought to my retirement goal. I just save the maximum percentage for full matching. I really should think about this more.

    • Anon

      $1100/month to 401K (this doesn’t include company match). It maxes out once my bonus hits.
      $400 a month to IRA
      $400 a month to individual account

      The individual account number will go up once I pay off my student loans.

      Single, living with SO (who is in grad school). These are my #s only.

      • Question

        Is the “individual account” a retirement account, or is that savings?

        Just curious!

        • Anon

          Just savings – I max out both my 401k and my IRA but don’t feel like that alone is enough for me to be comfortable.

    • Tiring

      Husband and I put away about $1500/month, and company matches total about $600/month. We are mid-30s, and have about $250K already set aside (husband started saving early and did not stop working during his JD). No real target date for retirement, but we now have a baby, so we’re looking at diverting some of the set-aside to 529K.

    • Sydney Bristow

      As is clear above, my situation is changing. Last year I began my plan to max out my Roth IRA each year so I save about $400/month. I don’t have a total goal amount of money yet because my plan has been to continue doing the same until I pay off my loans, which will take 10 years at my current pace paying $1000 extra each month and paying them off in order. My thought was that I’d begin aggressively saving for retirement after that point.

      I’m engaged and my fiancé will be getting a pretty good government pension when he retires. My goal is to try and ignore that because you never know what will happen.

    • Sarabeth

      My spouse and I each save $1875/month, which is maxing out our 401k and Roth IRAs. Plus a bit of employer match (maybe $600/month combined) We live in a *very* low COL area, and earn a bit above 150,000/year combined. It’s still a bit of a stretch, but we can do it and are motivated to be able to retire early, so taking advantage of the tax benefits makes it worth it to us. We also have minimal debt other than mortgage, and although we pay for childcare, it’s much less than it would be in a major city. Our goal is to get about 1.25 million (big number! we are about 10% of the way there, and our progress will depend very much on how our investments do) in total. Got that number by figuring that at a 4% withdrawal rate it would give us $50k per year to live on, which would be plenty in our area given that we’ll own our home.

    • Interrobanged

      Currently saving $650 (direct to 401(k)), $210 (direct to Roth IRA), $400 (direct to savings account) per pay period. My husband contributes similar amounts to his retirement vehicles and savings. So, together, we save about $5600/mo.

    • snowy

      Married, no kids, we’re both maxing out our 401(k)s and our Roth’s. We haven’t really figured out if we should be saving more than that yet. We just sort of defaulted to maxing them out. We’re 33 and 28. I think we’ll start looking into additional savings plans (contributing more to our traditional IRAs I guess?) as we get older and have more extra money – right now w/ mortgage and maxing out those two accounts, we are just saving extra money for emergency fund/general stuff for the house, etc.

    • lucy stone

      I’m 30, married (he’s 36), no kids yet. I earn $62k and my husband’s income varies between $50-75k. I get paid biweekly, H is self-employed. I put $235/check into my 457 and am required to put $160/check into my pension. My employer puts $160/check into my pension as well. This is about 25% of my pretax pay. I view myself as doing most of the retirement savings for both of us since it’s easier for me to take a payroll deduction than it is for my husband to save up and put money away. He will occasionally make deposits to a SEP if he’s flush with cash. Once my student loans are paid off I’d like to work towards maxing out my 457 every year.

    • Anon

      DH and I make $225k combined. We each max out 401ks (17.5k) and get a corp match- so thats about 40k/year. Plus we each contribute to an IRA (5k/ea). We also have a long-long term savings account that is for retirement.

      We’re 29, with a kid, and have about 250k saved so far as of 2013. Not bad since this is the first year we haven’t had one of us in school, on mat leave, un/underemployed in the 5 years we’ve been married!

    • Anon

      Yeesh, there’s a lot of money on this blog. Maybe I need a better job . . .

      Married, I’m the only one employed right now (husband in grad school). I make a little over $100,000. We’re both 29. I contribute 9% of my salary to a 401k, which is about $800 a month. My employer contributes 3% of salary. I also currently have $33K in a Roth that I’m not contributing to, and $12K in the 401k from last year (when I started work). My husband has about $10K in a 401k from his last job.

      With law school loans, a mortgage payment (but about $175K of equity in the house), and my husband’s tuition, we can’t really afford to do much more than that right now. I’m hoping that once loans are taken care of and my husband is back at work, we can really start saving.

    • Topanga

      Last year I maxed out my Roth IRA, 401(K), and almost my HSA. This year I plan on maxing them all out. I’m 28 and single and didn’t really start getting serious about putting money away until last year, although I have been saving some in retirement accounts since I was 20. I have about $85K saved in retirement accounts and wish I could go back in time and put away more money in the years I didn’t even come close to maxing them out. My extra savings now is being called “down payment fund” in my mind, but I have no idea when or if I’ll ever be able to afford to buy a place.

    • Anonymous

      Are there income limitations to do a Roth IRA? (We make about $500k combined.) My husband and I both max out our 401ks and put about $1k a month in savings. We hope to pay off student loans in the next 6 mos and will drastically increase our savings contirbution.

      • Anon

        Yes, for 2014 you can only contribute to a Roth IRA if you make less than $191,000 if you’re married, filing jointly. (Between $181,000 and $191,000 you can contribute, but less than the max $5500 per year). You can still contribute to a traditional IRA, though!

      • Anon

        Just do a backdoor Roth if you don’t already have money in an IRA. We made close to 600k last year,. Max out 401k, 457, HSA and 403b. Put 11k in an IRa and then call or online recharacterize to a Roth. You don’t want them to withhold taxes, you can just pay them when you file.

    • Burt Macklin, FBI

      33; single. $170K salary w/ student loan debt. About $160K in 401Ks + $50K in cash/stock. No specific retirement savings goal, at the moment; just trying to save at least 25% of income. Currently max out 401K + employer match. $500/wk auto-deposited into savings; every quarter, use that quarter’s savings to buy index funds. Bonuses go to debt reduction / savings. Any raise gets translated into an increase in my auto-transfer to savings.

    • saltylady

      I max out my 401K type plan, which is about $1400/month, and the company puts 8% of my salary in two types of plans, one pension and one more 401K-type (different than the first one). Husband has just the 401K plans, he maxes and has the 8% matching. We both make around $165-190K for a total of $350K. I have about $250K in all my plans put together, including rollover, and my husband has more like $400K I think.

      We’re in our 40s so we’ve had nearly 20 years to save. I don’t a real goal other than to max out any plan our employers offer. We just don’t think about that amount.

      We also save $400 for each of our two kids for their college accounts every month.

  10. What to Wear?

    Hi Ladies,

    I’ve got an outfit question for you. My boyfriend’s an lieutenant in the Navy and has invited me to join him at a work event next weekend. It’s a a dinner at someone’s house and I don’t think any dress code was set, but he’s expected to wear his blue dress uniform.

    Any clue what I would wear to something like this? It’s my first Navy-related event and I’m at a loss (and he’s clueless about womens’ wear). I’m 24, so don’t want to be too stuffy – but also want to be appropriate in front of his superior officers. This will be in the Pacific Northwest, so probably chilly/rainy. Ideas?

    • Anon

      If he’s wearing dress blues, I would wear a classic elegant sheath dress with snazzy jewelry.

    • Senior Attorney

      That sounds like fun! If he’s wearing his dress uniform, then I’d say it’s going to be pretty dressy. Honestly, if calling the hostess is an option, I’d do that and just tell her you are looking forward to meeting her and you wonder what the dress code is/what she’s wearing. My guess is a nice dress like you’d wear for a special date night.

    • Ringgg

      I agree with Anon. The dress blues civilian equivalent is suit or jacket/tie. Given the location (someone’s house), a sheath dress and appropriate shoes (not super high heels) with some nice jewelry sound perfect. I’d probably bring a cardigan or some sort of sweater too, but I always get cold. You may want to ask him whose house it is – his CO? What rank? And bring a small hostess gift or bottle of wine.

        • mascot

          I try not to wear stiletto/skinny heels to people’s houses because they are hell on hardwood floors.

          • Senior Attorney

            I’ve heard this before and I just don’t get it. If the heels are in good repair there shouldn’t be a problem. I’ve always had wood floors in my home, and I wear skinny high heels, and I don’t see the issue.

          • high heel lover

            eh. I wear heels that high every day and dont think twice about it. I wear them with suits and even to court. I think its just want youre used to. I’m certainly not advocating wearing str!per heels, but if the rest of your outfit is polished and semi-conservative (like those described above), I dont think it really matters. I feel like people have a tendency to write-off whole categories of clothing or accessories without thinking about how they actually work in real life.

    • Former Navy Lieuteant

      Dress blues at someone’s residence sounds a little strange to me. Is this an on-base residence? But either way, if the servicemembers are wearing dress blues, I would second the recommendations for sheath dress and nice jewelry. Assuming more members of the wardroom are going, I’d recommend reaching out to the wife of a more senior member of the wardroom for tips.

  11. Gosh

    Feel so horrible. I’ve interviewed for a position before the holidays and been waiting for a response from them for the past 2 weeks and today, like a min ago, I realized that I haven’t sent a thank you note out to the most senior person I’ve met with for the interview. I’m guessing it’s too late now and I feel so horrible now that I’m wondering if they don’t want me just because I havent sent the thank-you note out. Is it too late to send it now? I met with him on Dec 18th. Help!

    • cbackson

      I interview lots of people, and the sending (or not sending) of a thank-you note has never mattered. The odds are that he isn’t thinking about the fact that you didn’t send a note, but he sure as heck will be if you send one now.

    • jc

      Don’t dwell on this. What’s done is done and if you were the right candidate, a thank you note won’t matter. If it doesn’t work out, then you’ll remember next time for sure. Keep your head up and don’t beat yourself up! We all make mistakes.

      • tesyaa

        Agree. I would never make a hiring decision based on whether I received a thank-you note (unless I received a horribly written or outlandishly inappropriate thank you note, which might turn me off).

        • Anon from Chicago

          This. Which is also why I always tell people NOT to send thank you notes, as they generally can only hurt you.

          • Emmabean

            I’ve heard this many times, so I can’t disagree. However, my first law firm after graduation hired me because I wrote a thank you note. My boss told me he called me back because I told him how much I wanted to work for him.

            That having been said, it was a unique situation, with a very unique boss, so it’s not the norm. I wouldn’t suggest writing one in this case.

          • Anonymous

            Its totally 50 50. For me, it totally hurts you to not send me a thank you email.

          • anon

            I chose not to further consider someone because of a thank you note. The applicant wrote part of the note in a foreign language (fluency in the language was a requirement for the position). Instead of saying “thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule” or something similar, she ended up thanking us for letting her fondle our chests, due to a bad conjugation and 2 very different words being spelled similarly in the other language. Kind of funny and I knew what she was trying to say, but the note confirmed that we didn’t want her dealing with third parties in the foreign language.

  12. Cynthia

    TJ: I’m doing a payment plan with a hospital for an elective surgery … and now have the funds to pay it all off at once through my health savings plan. (They’ve ‘loaned’ me the amount for the year while I pay it off every month)

    Would there be any advantage to continuing to pay this off month by month, or just pay it all off at once?

    • Ginjury

      If you’re paying interest on it, absolutely. If you don’t owe interest, there’s no advantage to paying it off early, but I would anyways just to have one less thing to worry about each month.

    • Senior Attorney

      If there is any chance at all that you will leave your job before the end of the year, go ahead and draw on your health savings and pay it off. Some years ago I paid a big medical bill early in the year by drawing on my medical flex account (which I am assuming the same thing you are calling oyur health savings plan), and then unexpectedly left my job a few months later. Guess what? I didn’t have to pay back the health money! It’s the hidden upside of “use it by the end of the year or lose it.”

      • Mpls

        If it is flex spending money (which is what the situation sounds like, but isn’t necessarily), can you even use it to pay for a past year’s expenses? For a Flex Spending Account (which is a really specific set of circumstances), you can typically only use it for expenses that you incur during the plan year. It could very well be that payments on a plan may count – but they also might not. If you haven’t already check with your administrator, I would do so to make sure that this is a covered expense.

        • Cynthia

          Ugh, didn’t even think about that, so I called and found out that you are 100% correct.
          I guess I will be using this money towards copays and dental visits instead. A bit disappointed, but I should’ve done more research.

          Thanks!

    • Godzilla

      If there is no interest as part of your payment plan, then it makes no difference as to whether you pay it all at once or stick to the payment plan. However, if there are other medical costs that you need to pay for, it may make sense to keep your HSA funds available for that. Depends on how much you have in your HSA, your payment plan total and anticipated future medical costs.

  13. Relationship TJ

    Argh. I’m 27. dating a guy for a year (he’s 30). Love him to pieces. However, he is a child of divorce (happened when he was 7) and has residual trust issues. There have been no misdeeds or reasons for mistrust in our relationship. That being said, he’s stuck on the idea that he can’t open himself up fully in this relationship because he doesn’t trust me. He recognizes that it’s a HIM issue not a ME issue, but I don’t know whether to stick it out or run. Do I suggest counseling? If so, couples or alone? I could see this relationship heading to marriage, and I have to admit that I’d like that to happen sooner rather than later. Help?!??!

    • Senior Attorney

      Gah. I would run the other way. He is telling you who he is (somebody who can’t/won’t trust you even though there’s no good reason not to), and you should take him at his word.

      • Ginjury

        I’m inclined to agree. If he isn’t already seeking help for this or at least think/talking about doing so, he’s most likely using it as an excuse for his behavior.

        How exactly are his trust issues playing out in your relationship?

        • Relationship TJ

          For instance, I was explaining to him that I had a heart to heart conversation with my dad over the holidays. He asked how it went. I did not go into much detail, other than to say it went really well (mostly because it was a private family conversation that involved much detail–not all of it pleasant– about my parents’ marriage and ideas about inheritance and that sort of thing). He immediately said it sounded like I was being sketchy and asked if I even had a heart to heart with my dad at all.

          Other touchy issues: he has issues with the fact that I text friends (hello? we’re in the 21st century and most of my good friends live 600+ miles away and texting is our primary mode of conversation). He has, in the past, been uncomfortable at how many friends I have. Ehh to put things into context, I am living away from my hometown and he and I are currently living in his hometown. So I see his chilhood friends and family often. Whereas he does not see my childhood friends and family often at all. That being said, I have introduced him to all of my very dear friends and family over the course of the year. Thus, he should be comfortable with the fact that 1) he’s met all of the people I’m texting and 2) trust that I’m not texting some random guys. It’s infuriating. I just don’t have the same issues with him. I never ever ever think twice about what he’s doing. ever. And it’s unfair that he assumes I’m lying or sneaking around FOR LITERALLY NO REASON AT ALL.

          These are just two examples. And he rarely brings it up. But I can tell when something is bothering him, and usually when I ask, something about mistrust will come up.

          • Anita

            Yeah, this is not going to get better, IMHO. His lack of trust in you is baseless. Using his parents’ divorce to justify it is unfair and a touch controlling of him. After all, how are you supposed to defend yourself against something that already happened (and that did not involve you in any way)?

          • First Year Anon

            Honestly- I could see someone who suffered through a divorce as a child having issues involving commitment, but his is more than that- he is serious trust issues, that I don’t necessarily think stem from the divorce.

            I’m 27, and I would run from that relationship. I have never ever thought of cheating on someone, I’ve been cheating on, and I would run so fast if someone didn’t trust me because I know in my heart of hearts I would never do that.

          • Ginjury

            I agree with Anita and First Year Anon. First, his response re: your talk with your dad just makes him seem like an a$$hole. Second, unless you’re constantly texting your friends while you two are supposed to be having quality time, it shouldn’t be an issue.

            He doesn’t sound like a terribly nice guy and I don’t think it’s because his parents are divorced.

          • Anonymous

            run don’t walk. Seriously, he has issues with you talking to your friends?

          • Senior Attorney

            This is unacceptable and is not going to get better. You deserve much better than this.

            Run away, run away.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            Whoa, missed this on my first read-through.

            “Oh honey, I just need to know every single thing you ever say and do with any person ever in the world including your personal conversations with your parents because I just don’t TRUST people because my parents got DIVORCED!” WHUH? No way. Dude doesn’t have trust issues, he has control issues. Don’t let him pretend otherwise. (And ditch him. Seriously. Control issues do not improve, and the fact that he hasn’t even correctly identified his own issue suggest that, if it works at all, therapy will be a long, hard slog. Do not waste your time on someone else’s long hard slog, particularly when that someone else doesn’t seem to see his own behavior as a problem.)

          • Susie

            Interesting, I didn’t think the guy came off bad from these examples. The first one sounded to me like OP herself was holding back – if you want your guy to open up to you, you should do the same and show him you trust him with your personal thoughts/family issues. The second one, yeah I know people who are chronic texters and it drives me crazy. Sure you want to keep in touch with your friends, but make sure you are not ignoring your bf in favor of the phone when you are together (not saying that you do, but something to be conscientious of).

          • Relationship TJ

            FWIW I am an average to below average texter–I’m not texing incessantly or while we’re at dinner or in the middle of an important coversation–I text when there’s a lull (we’re just watching tv, about to go to bed, etc.) He never mentioned that I was rude with my texting–just that he feels like he doesn’t know who I’m texting and is suspicious/uncomfortable with that (is how I took his comments) although he recognizes that it’s irrational.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            At one year in with someone who admittedly doesn’t trust you, why on earth would that person then expect you to disclose personal family business to them? With a spouse, a fiancé, a live-in, long-term partner, sure, OP should’ve been more open about her convo with her dad, but with a guy who has repeatedly told her he doesn’t trust her, in a relatively shorter relationship? Nope. He’s not entitled to that information, and even if he felt that he was, going from that to “you’re totally lying about your conversation with your dad” is just absurd.

            As for the texting, again, if the issue is “hey sweetie, that’s rude,” the correct way to communicate that is to say “hey sweetie, that’s rude,” NOT to accuse OP of texting random guys.

            I’m not concerned that he’s bothered by OP’s behavior, I’m concerned about what he’s doing to communicate his displeasure – going from zero to “OMG I just can’t ever trust you if you won’t tell me ALL THE THINGS” is what screams control freak to me. People who are looking for more information and/or have concerns about rudeness express those concerns. People who are looking to control others jump to wild accusations that force the other person to either change their behavior to conform to the controller’s wishes or take heat for things they haven’t done (like cheating) just because they won’t conform.

          • IT Chick in MN

            This sets off my alarm bells for controlling behavior which can spiral. A couple of suggestions:

            Take a run through the archives of Captain Awkward. They’ve done some great answers about how to handle this type of situation, including scripts for conversations trying to get to the bottom of it.

            Get a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. Some of it is a bit extreme, but he has very good information about listening to your instincts.

          • wolverine

            This won’t change. It will only get worse. Run before you find yourself in an unhappy marriage

          • Susedna

            Yeah, he sounds as bad, if not worse than what Senior Attorney guessed he was on this trust thing. He has a problem, won’t move his arse to fix it, and turns Interrogator on you. Ugh. DTM,FA.

            For those who say this site encourages that too much, I offer an alternative view: there are a lot of crappy SOs out there. Sometimes, they’re crappy because they’re crappy people. Sometimes, they’re just crappy SO’s because of incompatible personality traits and habits. Can bad habits be fixed? Hells yeah. But the dominant theme in the cases where the majority of posters say RUN have always been because there was an abject refusal to make real effort to make things better even though they knew they were making you unhappy.

          • Baconpancakes

            My way of dealing with my SO spending too much time on his phone (and his way of dealing with me, now) is to physically place myself between his face and his phone (so basically in his lap), try to look adorable, and say “Hey, pay attention to me,” not to accuse him of texting other women.

            Upon reflection, I may have learned this method from my dog.

          • Senior Attorney

            I think Susedna is wise. I lived for years with somebody who was pretty awful to me, and I always thought “If he just KNEW how his behavior made me feel, he would change.” And it turned out that was just wrong. He knew good and well how it felt to me, he knew what I wanted, and he did not care to change, TYVM.

            I have a neighbor in my Fashionable Downtown Apartment Building who is always talking about how awful her (50something year old!) boyfriend is to her, and how she is always asking him to change, and how he is always promising he will and failing to follow through. And when she asks for my advice, it is this:

            In my view, there are two kinds of undesirable characteristics in a potential partner: 1. Characteristics that are annoying but bearable, like leaving the dishes on the counter instead of putting them in the dishwasher (Dan Savage calls these The Price of Admission); and 2. Dealbreakers, like violence or active addiction or [fill in thing that you can’t live with here].

            THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS 3. Characteristics you can’t live with but can get the other person to change. Particularly if it’s early in the relationship, this is as good as it’s gonna get. If you can’t live with it now, it’s not going to get any better and it’s time to DTMFA.

    • Godzilla

      Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you? He can’t love you as you deserve to be loved if he doesn’t trust you. I’m with Senior Attorney. Time to leave (unless he makes observable progress via counseling).

      • jc

        I think he is probably the one that would need the therapy/counseling, not necessary couples therapy. It seems like he would need to be honest and lay out all his problems to actually move forward, which he might not want to do with you around (possibly another issue you should consider). If you bring it up and he agrees to work on it, I don’t see why you can’t stick it out. If no progress is made or he backs out, I’d run.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      At 27, and at a 1 year relationship, I’d probably jump ship. Who goes through 30 years of life with (what sound like pretty severe) “trust issues” without even attempting to address them? He needs counseling, for himself, stat, but it’ll be a long and winding road before he’s ready for marriage.

      A relationship is not a house. You do not build extra equity by taking on a fixer-upper.

      • In-House Optimist

        Can I just say I love that? “A relationship is not a house. You do not build extra equity by taking on a fixer-upper” is going to be my new mantra for my little sister (who tends to pick real winners to date).

        • Senior Attorney

          I can’t wait to bust out this line tonight at Girls’ Night Out! LOL

    • posey

      Children of divorce do have stable, long-term relationships. Some of them even get married and have happy families! My point is that he’s using the divorce as a crutch for other issues he’s having, either with himself or with you. If he’s not willing to go to therapy and work on his issues I’d leave.

      • CKB

        +1 My sil is the product of a rather unpleasant divorce, but has been happily married to my bro for 16+ years and is the mom of 5 great kids.

        If he recognizes his issues and the problems they cause in his life but is not willing to work on them, that would be a big red flag to me.

    • Anne Shirley

      Leave. Why would you want to date someone who doesn’t trust you and isn’t already trying to fix that. It sounds to me like he’s just saying whatever will sound good to get you to stay without committing. I mean, really, so his parents got a divorce 21 years ago. Cry me a river.

    • anon for this

      I’ve got to take his defense, but only because I am ‘a child of divorce’ too… with a caveat: he should go see someone. this is what I was doing when I first met my now husband, and it is what saved our relationship, especially in the beginning.
      I still remember when we first moved in: for the first year, I would go home every night, turn on the key and hold my breath expecting the house to be empty… whilst I was aware that he never gave any sign of going away, I couldn’t help it
      counselling saved me, and us.

      would he be open to it?

      • Relationship TJ

        No idea. I know that his mother made the children go after the divorce. But he really hasn’t said that he’s ever gone on his own volition.

        It’s one of those situtations where I want to suggest it, but I’d feel 12938192738 times better if he just up and did it on his own. I’d hate to think he were doing it only because I suggested it or because he thought I’d leave if he didn’t (like an ultimatum type of situation). My inclination if I were him would always be to go to therapy to work out my issues (and that’s what I normally do, mostly because my mother has a history of mental illness, so my family always preached talking issues out with a therapist)–but is that everyone’s first thought? is it inherently wrong that that’s not how he feels he should work on his issues? I don’t know. Maybe I should press him more about how he’s going to work on it. Hopefully my inquiry will prompt him to see someone??

        • TO Lawyer

          I would be really careful if I were you. It sounds like his trust issues aren’t based in your behaviour and you cannot change a man who refuses to address his issues like a grownup.

          If you do want to try to save the relationship, I would suggest to him that he goes to therapy. And then see what his reaction is.

          FWIW, my ex had commitment/emotional intimacy issues due to his relationship with his father and when I suggested therapy, he flat out shut it down. I then realized he wasn’t willing to face his issues and if that was the case, we could never really work

          • Anon

            I would be really careful if I were you. It sounds like his trust issues aren’t based in your behaviour and you cannot change a man who refuses to address his issues like a grownup.

            If you do want to try to save the relationship, I would suggest to him that he goes to therapy. And then see what his reaction is.

            FWIW, my ex had commitment/emotional intimacy issues due to his relationship with his father and when I suggested therapy, he flat out shut it down. I then realized he wasn’t willing to face his issues and if that was the case, we could never really work

        • Ginjury

          If you really want to see if he’ll fix himself first, I think it would be best to approach the subject with the focus on how his behavior is affecting you, not how he’s totally screwed up. You can explain how you feel and then say you think counseling might help. It may be easier to suggest couples since pushing him to go on his own may make him more defensive. Once you’ve laid it out, really observe his reaction. If he’s vehemently opposed, take it as your cue to leave. If he seems upset that he’s making you feel bad and wants to fix it, all may not be lost. Good luck.

        • Anne Shirley

          He gets mad when you a) talk to your dad and b) text your friends. Is he Prince Harry or something? That’s not a trust issue, it’s a control issue.

          • anon

            In this guy’s defense, is it possible that you’re texting your friends constantly when you’re around him? I can see why that would make a person feel ignored, out of the loop and unimportant. My bf does this and I make a point of telling him that it’s no different than if he were on the phone with someone while spending time with me.

            As far as his reaction to your conversation with your dad- it seems completely unreasonable and unwarranted. that being said, is does seem to be tied in with trust issues and not necessarily control issues- maybe he was lied to by his parents a lot? he might have deep insecurity issues and think you’re talking negatively about him to your parents? all of these things seem unreasonable to people who don’t have those issues, but when you’re insecure and afraid, your thoughts quickly become very unreasonable. I’m just saying that if you love him, I think you should tell him how his feelings affect you but also REASSURE him as much as you can, and encourage him to get counseling with a view of having a healthier relationship.

          • Susedna

            Noooooooooo!!! Prince Harry strikes me as an easy come, easy go type personality. No way he’d be acting like a paranoid, oppressive, controlling little b!tch who wants to cut the OP off from having too many friends.

          • Senior Attorney

            I know, right? Let’s all go to Vegas and get naked in the hotel suite with Prince Harry!!

        • Godzilla

          The fact that you don’t even feel comfortable enough to communicate what you need in this relationship is telling. If you want this relationship to work, you need to be able to say everything you’ve told us. If you cannot, it’s time to go.

          • Relationship TJ

            It’s not that I can’t say it–I just can’t ask him “should I stay or should I go” or “should I ask him to go to therapy or not.” I need input from others on those types of questions. I really just want perspective on the situation before having another conversation. He and I have talked about this. Twice. The conclusion was “I really need to work on my trust issues.” That’s it. And at the time that seemed like it was enough because he acknowledged it was his problem, not mine, and wanted to change. But anow that doesn’t seem sufficient. As time goes on–I keep thinking, “how long is too long to drag this out?” and “should I just nudge him to attend counseling?”

          • Sydney Bristow

            If his answer is “I need to work on my trust issues” I think you should respond by asking him how he is going to start doing that starting now because its so important. If he says he’s not sure then suggest he see a counselor who can help him work past the issues. If he has other ideas then great! Whatever either one of you comes up with it needs to be clear that he starts working on it now and make sure that he actually follows through on it. Once it’s clear to him how big an issue it is in your relationship, if he doesn’t do anything to help the situation then you have your answer.

            I’d suggest he go to individual therapy first since the issue is clearly bigger than just with you. It may be worth having some joint sessions down the road to deal with the issue as it applies to your relationship.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          It’s not “inherently wrong” that he didn’t necessarily think of going to therapy on his own (you’re right, it’s not everyone’s first – or even fifth – inclination when dealing with personal problems), but, unless you’ve left out a large part of the story, it sounds like he hasn’t done and isn’t doing anything *at all* to try to address his issues. You don’t get to 30 without noticing you have a trust problem – he knows, and has known since before he met you, that he has this problem, and appears to have done nothing to address it. (You also mentioned that you could “press him more”, implying that you’ve ALREADY said something to him about this, and he’s already not done anything in response.)

          If you want to give it one more try because you feel you haven’t been direct enough on the GO TO THERAPY message, go for it, but frankly, given your personal timeline (of wanting to be married “soon”), I’d still be wary – how long are you going to wait around while he “works on his issues?” How well-resolved do these issues need to be for him to be marriageable? How likely are you (be realistic here) to decide that he’s “close enough” to meeting that benchmark when you’re 30 and still not married, even if he’s really not “better”? Be thoughtful here.

          • Anon in NYC

            +1 – I don’t think it’s inherently wrong that he didn’t think about it. When I was a kid I ASKED to go to therapy because I had a terrible relationship with my parents and my mother refused to take me. It was just.not.done. in my family, so it has never been a default option for me. And the one time I did try therapy (as an adult), it felt very forced to me – but that could be because I had mostly reached resolution on my issue and was using a therapist more as a sounding board than trying to actually help me.

            To me, the biggest red flag is that your BF is blaming other people (and it seems in particular his mother) for his problems. I dated a guy for many years who believed his mother cheated on his father (still married, no actual proof). I can’t even begin to get into how emotionally manipulative he was, and how I contorted myself into knots trying to show him how trustworthy I was. Spoiler alert – it was a terrible relationship that looked good on the surface and was rotting on the inside, and it ended very poorly (him cheating on me – for a year+! – because he believed that I was untrustworthy and was cheating on him).

            Not to say that your BF will do the same, but I think you should directly tell him that his issues are negatively affecting your relationship and you would really appreciate it if he would try meeting with a therapist to discuss his issues related to trust before the relationship gets any more serious.

    • Anonymous

      Almost 100 percent of the time the “commitment because my parents divorced is bull. With your guy it’s way more that bull- he is just a controlling jerk

      • Herbie

        Agree re controlling. Has problems with her texting friends? Red flag. Has problems with the number of friends OP has? Red flag. Attempting to limit/reduce contact with friends or family is a pretty classic hallmark of an abuser. His accusation that she didn’t even have a heart to heart with her father – incredible. Cut this guy loose, OP.

  15. Nonny

    Hi everyone! Just wanted to check in as I’ve been absent for over a week. My gorgeous daughter was born last Friday night after a very long labour that ended in a C-section – she has both her dad’s any my giant head and just didn’t want to come out! 8 lbs 6 oz at birth, and has basically already regained her birth weight. We were in the hospital for 4 nights but came home Tuesday afternoon.

    Man, these first few days at home have been hard. I’m trying hard to sleep during the day but nothing can really prepare you for the onslaught! And thank God for n*pple cream.

  16. ashamedly anon for this

    we are in such dire straits with our own finances that we have had to use the gifts from family that were to be set aside for the kids’ 529 plans to cover other, more pressing and current expenses.

    our tax return should bring us back to a clean slate, but our spending is out of control. we’ve cut what we can (all luxuries–the gym, cable, you name it–keeping only internet at the house–our cell phones are both paid by our jobs), and have reduced our grocery spending…we can’t refinance our house until we are at least one year paid up to date. We have been behind on payments since November. We have even been considering removing our youngest from preschool, as we could certainly re-appropriate his tuition money elsewhere.

    I just needed to confess that out in the open. I am ashamed of having to do it, as I am typically a very organized person, but DH and I just can’t seem to get our sh!t together when it comes to managing our money. at all.

    i am holding out hope that come july, I’ll have a raise (I know I will get *something*, but how much is yet to be determined) and that will put us back on track to save for the kids’ college, our retirement, and allow us to resume our normal operations without fear of foreclosure.

    oy.

    • Anonymou$

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this – I know it’s stressful.

      That said, if this isn’t caused by a one-off issue (such as temporary unemployment, an unexpected large expense), and is simply the result of ongoing, uncontrolled spending, your raise probably won’t help in the long term, because, to be frank, you’ll keep making the same mistakes, albeit with a bigger budget.

      You absolutely need to get a handle on where your money is going – first, set a monthly budget. Account for every.last.penny of your spending in this budget (list your bills, of course, but don’t forget your morning coffee, the weekly magazine, whatever). Then, keep a daily spending log (both of you!) that you can compare against your budget. Find out where you’re deviating from what you intended to spend (i.e. you set yourself a “morning coffee” budget of $25 and you spent $100 at Starbucks), and then figure out whether it’s an area you need to apportion more money to (if your kids’ doctor co-pays are twice as much as you expected, obviously you need to find a way to shift more money to that expense), or if it’s an area you can cut back on (i.e. Starbucks). Keep the daily spending log going until you’ve (a) figured out where your money is actually going; (b) are happy with where it’s going; and (c) are consistently staying within your budget.

      • ashamedly anon for this

        thank you. DH got signed up with Mint, and I have asked him to show it to me. We just haven’t had a chance to sit down and look at it together. We had planned to do it while we were off work over the holidays, but we had the death of a close friend to deal with, that we are still dealing with because the family is crazy crazy, and we are trying to support the GF and do what the decedent would want (which doesn’t involve his family, but technically, they’re next of kin…)

        I keep an app on my phone that i have to physically enter my spending like a check register. I find that the act of actually typing it in, rather than it automatically importing my spending, makes me feel more accountable. I also use an “envelope” app, but I know I am not using it to the fullest extent.

        Do you have any apps/websites/processes that you use that are helpful to you?

        • Anonymou$

          When I was doing this (I don’t keep a to-the-penny diary anymore, but I did for about 8 months until I had everything in balance), I just used a pocket-sized notebook for expense tracking on-the-go, and then a larger notebook at home to keep track of the monthly budget.

          As far as process, I would sit down at the end of each month and write out the budget for the upcoming month (adjusting based on previous month’s spending, once I had a month’s worth of daily expenses to review). I’d then make all of my standing monthly payments for the upcoming month at that time – car, student loans, rent, utilities, etc. – so that the “bills” money would just be gone from my account immediately. (You could probably also accomplish this by transferring “bills” money to a separate checking account and paying the bills out of that account throughout the month if that’s easier.) After that, the rest was just about managing day-to-day expenses with the money “left over.” It’s a bit of a hassle to set the whole infrastructure up, but once you do, the process will get faster and more manageable.

          Also, you may want this to be a “you and H doing equal work” thing, but if his brain/organizational skills aren’t cut out for managing the family budget (or yours aren’t, and his are), you shouldn’t be afraid to switch to a one-manager system (with consistent full disclosure to the other spouse, of course). I manage the “family” budget for me and my H (I set the budget and then showed it to him, he approved and now writes a check to the joint account each month for the portion of expenses he covers, and then I keep track of the actual amount and paying of bills), and it works better for us that way.

        • anon

          I suggest that each person set up a separate mint. I found it very hard to track our collective spending that way but when I tracked just my own spending it was much easier to budget and see where it was going. This is extreme, but what about going for an all cash budget for a few months? Take out the amount you can spend each week at the beginning of the week and when it is gone it is gone.

        • Anne Shirley

          Stop. You need to drop everything and deal with this. Stop helping other people. I don’t care if it’s the right thing to do, you are in an emergency. You can’t make your house payments, stole from your friends/family/children (that’s what you did when you took that money, didn’t put it into the savings account for kid and spent it. You stole it) and you’re contemplating pulling your kid out of nursery school. This is a major crisis that needs all of your attention immediately. So, tonight, go home after work. Put your kids to bed. Make a pot of coffee and sit there at your kitchen table until you know exactly how you are spending your money. It’s not about the specific tool you use, it’s about putting in the effort.

          • Ouch

            Anne S. – I think this is unreasonably harsh: “You … stole from your friends/family/children (that’s what you did when you took that money, didn’t put it into the savings account for kid and spent it. You stole it).”

            As a parent, to keep my kids’ sense of security and stability in tact, I would borrow the money. As a child, when I was 10, my dad/mom borrowed money from my college savings account to make immediate ends meet, and then spent 2 yrs paying it back. He kept the ledger detailing payments back to the account (I, of course, was unaware of this fact until I was 25, but still).

            So, yeah, not ideal, but you have to do what you have to do. OP – I suggest financial counseling. A good counselor can help identify strengths/weaknesses in your planning styles and help you and husband find methods that will be sustainable and work for your family. The immediate situation needs to be immediately addressed, but the solutions need to be sustainable long-term, as well.

          • tk1

            I agree its uneccissarily harsh. Feeding your kids and keeping a roof over their heads is a priority. Fancy preschool and college savings are a luxury. I’m sure OP will put the money back into the college savings when/if she can, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I know if I gave someone money for their child’s education and then found out they lost their home, but had a 529 loaded with cash I would be pissed that they didn’t use my gift in the way that was best for the family right now.

            OP it is brave of you to admit you are having these issues and putting them out here to hold yourself accountable! Good luck getting back on track.

          • A4T

            Harsh, yes, but probably a fair reminder (and maybe the kick in the pants OP unfortunately needs!). These kinds of things, if left unaddressed, have a way of creating resentment within the family if they’re found out. Unfortunately I know from experience. :(

            OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but it sounds like you’re on the right track to fix your past mistakes. Best of luck sorting it out!!

          • Anne Shirley

            I don’t think it is harsh. I think it’s honest. Downplaying the problem isn’t going to fix it.

            Taking money someone gives you for a specific purpose and diverting it into general spending is wrong. It might be necessary, but it is still wrong. And it should be an indicator to you that you need to put all of your energy into fixing this. I’m not suggesting the OP should go to jail. I’m saying that she should realize that her life is in crisis and that while there are always many claims on our time, she needs to put this first, even if it means not stepping up for other people.

          • Herbie

            I don’t know if it’s stealing, but Anne Shirley is right that this is a crisis, and OP and her husband need to get their heads out of the sand and start acting instead of making excuses.

          • Anonymous

            Of course its stealing. This is not OP diverting her own money from the kids savings to the mortgage, this is taking money that other people gave her children for a specific person and intercepting it. If I found out my sister took the money I gave her children I would be LIVID.

        • Ginjury

          I highly recommend YNAB. The blog and community are great resources for really utilizing the software and finding stable ground. It’s $60, but they have a 31 or so day trial.

          Since you’re currently struggling though, I’d recommend reading All Your Worth by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi first. I’ve read it and it seems like it’s really geared for families with debt who are lacking financial security. They provide a really solid game plan for getting out of debt and getting your finances under control.

          • Elodie

            I second reading All Your Worth asap. Really a wonderful book. You might also look into Financial Peace University classes – it’s often taught in churches. (Haven’t done it personally, but coworkers of mine who have struggled financially have spoken very highly of it). Best of luck to you!

        • L

          I’d say take it a step further. Cash and envelopes. Once the cash is out, you’re out. Period. If you have a hard time overspending mint, will help you see it, but physically running out of money for food halfway through the month is an eye opener. Consider calling up your lender and seeing if there is any flexibility in payments. Find stuff to sell. Work another job. Sounds insane, but seriously getting debt off your back is the most freeing experience in the world. I paid off 30k in a little over a year and it changed my life.

          • ashamedly anon for this

            I agree that Anne Shirley was not too harsh…

            We are selling stuff too! I am set to make $200 from the sale of a stroller tonight, which will go directly to paying mortgage. I have a bunch of other stuff listed on craigslist, and I am pretty religious about updating it to ensure that I am meeting market demands, but also so that they get bumped to the top of the list occasionally.

            I haven’t had a haircut in months, I don’t get manis, and I buy ALL of my clothes from Goodwill. I recently (over the last 2 years) lost a ton of weight, and have had to rebuild my work & play wardrobe 100%. Including my shoes–my feet went to 7-7.5 when pregnant, and are now at 5.5-6, which is smaller than they were pre-pregnancy (I’m now about 30# lighter, and 4 clothing sizes smaller than I was pre-preggo).

            The kids’ clothes come from hand-me-downs or once upon a child. I always take our outgrown clothes back to OUAC to get what meager payment out of them that I can. What I don’t sell to them, I usually list as a lot on our local FB swap page or craigslist. I know I can’t recoup what I spend for them, but I can at least keep it from being a neverending black hole.

            We don’t buy organic, I always meal-plan (our grocery bill is actually pretty low due to my meal-planning)

            But, you guys are right–I don’t know, 100% where DH’s money goes. I’ve been keeping track of mine, and my bleeders are eating out, which I have definitely curbed over the last 6 months.

            I do have some ongoing health expenses, but I use my FSA to the fullest extent that I can.

            We pay less for our nanny (preschool expenses included) than we would for fulltime daycare for YDS + before/after school care for ODS. Plus, we have the added flexibility of her schedule because both our jobs require a fairly significant number of evening meetings (at least one per week for either me or DH, sometimes both).

            I have scheduled an appt. with DH for Jan 20 (when we’re both off work, but the kids are with the nanny)

            again, I cannot tell you guys how much I appreciate all your responses. I am reading every single one, and taking your advice to heart. I hope to have a report in a month or so with much better news.

          • Anon

            NO you should not sit down with your husband in TEN DAYS to talk about this. YOu should talk about it tonight. At 2am, if that is the only time you both have available.

            JHC you are missing mortgage payments and you think this issue can wait??

          • Anonymou$

            +1 to Anon. This has to be dealt with right now. Not in 10 days when you happen to have the perfect ideal free day.

            Budgeting is not a full-day affair. Realistically, unless you anticipate serious disagreement with DH over where/how to spend your money, or you have an absurd number of bills that would take a long time to list, writing a budget down on a piece of paper should take you an hour or two, max.

            I feel like you’re building this up into something much bigger than it is. Make a list of your bills. Decide who is responsible for what portion of those bills. Figure out how you’re going to section off that money from your “everyday spending” accounts to prevent you from spending bill money on other things. Commence paying bills.

            In the time you have taken to interact with us here, you could have drafted a budget and gone online and signed up for automatic deposits and withdrawals as needed. Stop delaying. 10 days is the difference between getting your life in shape this month and putting off stability by yet another month. Why wait?

          • CountC

            I agree. I can’t understand why you would wait 10 days to talk to your husband about this. This is IMPORTANT. VERY. Go to bed a little bit later than usual tonight and get it sorted out before you go to bed. Your finances are more important than 2 hours of sleep at this point.

    • R

      It sounds like the problem isn’t necessarily lack of funds, but lack of discipline around money. I say this with love, as I know the spot you’re in:

      Lack of schooling is HUGE, and you should take it as a large red flag that you’re even considering it. You and your husband are prioritizing your lack of a budget (or your laziness or your spending or whatever reason you have) over your child’s future. Use this as a kick in the pants to get serious about money management. You don’t want your money issues to cause long-term pain for your kids, so make this the year that you figure this out.

      The best method really is setting a budget and daily accounting for your expenses. YNAB is great for this, and the course is free. (Google “you need a budget method”) You can either read it via email, or watch an online class (or recorded video). Sign up, take the course, and then make a “date” with your husband for afterwards. Sit down and talk about the method, make it a priority in your life this year, and then set a plan for how to get started. And DO IT. Hold yourselves accountable. Actively remind yourselves each month that your child’s schooling and stable home are more important than your reluctance to do this.

      You owe it to your kids to teach them how to use money appropriately. So figure it out, and start modeling that behavior for them.

      • Godzilla

        This is a good point, as is the previous one regarding the one-manager method. Just because the two of you don’t have time to sit down together to go over your mint.com account doesn’t mean you’re allowed to ignore it. You sit down and do it – schedule a time, just like you would a work meeting and just do it. Invite your husband. If he can’t make it, too bad. He has to live with what you decide.

      • Angela

        Im sorry to even bring this up but this reminds me of a similar sounding family situation. My cousin and his wife earned over $150,000 in a rural area which should have made them very, very comfortable.

        However, they were bouncing pmts, borrowing money left, right and centre and had credit maxed, my cousin had a drug addiction and was spending Money madly for drugs.

        If Ashamedly Anon spends so carefully (second hand clothes, etc) then you need to look very very closely why your budget doesn’t balance.

        And as a banker, be very careful getting behind on your mtg, come clean instantly with your bank (we will pay $X by XX) and follow through or they will be after you on a foreclosure. Finally, not to nag, but re-finances in just over a year are a red flag, perhaps your house is too bog financially?

        Wine, pencil, paper and calculator is your plan for the weekend :)

    • Not legal advice

      Do you primarily use debit or credit? Print out which one you use most, 60 or 90 days worth of statements, and make categories with different colored highlighters wherever you see patterns. One could be eating out. One could be toys. One could be clothes. Then add them up for each month. Are they about the same each month? Now you know where your money is going. What can you control? What can you cut back?

      Would it help to sell your home and move somewhere more affordable? A lot of people would not find my next suggestion ethical, and I’m not sure I find it ethical either, but I see it all of the time in my line of work. If you know you have to move, you can stop paying the mortgage, and live there until it sells or you get kicked out. Banks around where I am are taking up to 2 or more years to actually foreclose on homes. They take longer when someone is living in the home caring for it. This will wreck your credit, but is your credit already wrecked?

      I have seen several divorce cases where one spouse stayed in the home until actually evicted in a foreclosure and went 2 or more years paying no mortgage. They “saved up” $36,000 this way. No idea why, but the bank never tried to recoup the money. Again, so not ethical but the advice you are getting from everyone else is assuming your situation is salvageable. Without details, we don’t know. You might want to speak with a bankruptcy attorney. But, if you are in a not-salvageable situation, leaving your unsold, unforeclosed house abandoned makes no sense. Live there as long as you can. Some banks are even PAYING the people doing that to move out to avoid having to evict them post-foreclosure. Mind boggling.

      • ashamedly anon for this

        We have discussed down-sizing, as a last resort. However, we LOVE our home, we love the location, and we got SUCH an incredible deal on it, that we would be paying the same amount of money in mortgage for much less house. We bought our house in 2006 for well under the assessed value (even more under the appraised value), did about $30k of work on it via a bridge loan which then rolled into the mortgage when we closed on the house and finished the work. I don’t understand all the ins and outs of it, but we paid less than 80%, which allowed us not to have to worry about PMI.

        Fast forward a few years, and we took out a home-equity loan to install a HVAC system (house had no air, and only electric baseboard heat). We have not had an appraisal since then, and we know that our home is worth even more, thereby putting our debt-to-value ratio even better.

        We owe less than $200k now, for a home that’s probably worth $300k or more.

        • tesyaa

          I doubt the value of your house has increased as much as you think due to your improvements. Maybe a little, but not even close to dollar-for-dollar. People expect central heat and AC nowadays – it’s not an enhancement, it’s just getting things up to speed.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            Tesyaa, that’s not true in all parts of the country. Where I live, the housing stock is OLD, pretty much across the board, and there’s not really any buildable space left for new construction, so many, many houses in the mid-price range don’t have central HVAC, and it would be considered a “bonus” in anything selling for under $500K. (NYC suburbs, gotta love them.)

          • tesyaa

            OK, I’m in the same area. We put in a lot of money installing central AC in our first house, and updating in my second house. I don’t think this raised the resale value of either house more than a few thousand dollars, but others may feel differently. Finally – we didn’t take on more debt to do so. If I had to borrow, I’d live with the window units until I could pay cash. We didn’t replace the old radiator heating system since it works fine, although some people don’t like radiators.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not an incredible deal if you can’t afford the 200k in debt. Sunk cost fallacy is a powerful thing. if you are thinking about giving up preschool and not paying into college funds but doing everything to keep the house…you are prioritizing it over your own child. Yes I am being harsh. I see magical thinking here and it’s time to get real.

    • ashamedly anon for this

      very eye-opening, ladies…thank you! keep it up. These insights and shake-me-by-the-shoulders are things that I hadn’t particularly considered.

      I love hearing what you all have to say because it is always so diverse and practical.

      with that said, Anne Shirley brings up a great point. It is terrible and shameful. I do know how much, to date, it has been, and we both fully intend to reimburse the 529 when we have the liquid funds to do so, which, actually should be soon.

      There are upcoming expenses we know we will have to pay (new tires for my car), but we’re saving money to pay cash for them. But, it won’t happen till the 529 gets paid first.

      Regarding the separate vs. combined accounts. Here is what we currently do, but I am sure there’s a better way:

      We each have our own separate accounts (at 2 different banks, no less). I have a checking, savings & save-as-you-go ($1 per transaction goes to that account). DH has checking & savings, and we have joint checking & savings.

      10% of my salary goes to joint checking. $100 each paycheck goes to my savings. I have used this over the past as that “build to pay cash” or “minor emergency” fund. It probably has $200 in it right now, because we did use it to buy christmas presents.

      I pay the nanny and the internet, and about 99% of the grocery budget.
      DH pays mortgage, natural gas & electric. Our cars are paid off, and we don’t have CC debt. DH has student loans that are on deferral, but I have none. We don’t make a lot of money, and we live in a fairly low-COL area. However, I know we can get a better rate on our mortgage, but of course, unless we find somewhere who will refinance with less than 12-months of clean payment history, we have to wait a year to be able to do that.

      Automatically earmarking money to go into different accounts is easy, as we both have direct deposit, and making changes to that requires no more than an email to the finance department.

      Would you recommend filtering our income into an account from which all the recurring bills are automatically drafted? We could obviously direct-deposit just a little more than what we know the expense will be, to build a bit of a cushion.

      Whoever said it’s not a lack-of-money issue is spot on. It isn’t. When we add everything up, we theoretically should have about $300 left in our pockets at the end of every month.

      I know that this is going to be totally liberating, and will solve a lot of the stress that we both feel on a daily basis.

      Again, thank you all so much for your input. I really really do appreciate it.

      • Anne Shirley

        So, I think your first step is figuring out where that $300 is. And you can do that on Mint or YNAB or just a pen and paper. Record every single expense this month. And then really evaluate- is there stuff you can reasonably cut or not? Can you sell you car and buy a cheaper one? Use day care instead of a nanny? Sell your house and move into a 2-bed rental? You can absolutely figure this out, but it’s going to take making it a priority to get it done.

      • Anonymou$

        I’m going to be a little blunt, so apologies in advance. Here’s what I’m seeing:

        1. You each have no idea what you’re personally spending.
        2. You’re not 100% clear on what the other person is spending.
        3. You’re paying bills (even monthly, recurring, fixed bills like the mortgage and the nanny) on an as-they-come-in basis, and not doing anything to “section off” that money from other spending money (which is likely causing you to dip into bill money without realizing it for random spending).

        If I were you (and I was, about 2 years ago, only minus offspring), I’d sit down – tonight – and make a list of all of your fixed, regular bills. The nanny, the mortgage, the utilities, car insurance, property taxes, cell phones, cable, whatever. Decide on an equitable split, then have each spouse deposit their portion (plus, say 2-5% cushion if the gas bill is a little higher than expected or something) into the joint checking each month, and have those payments auto-debited from the joint checking. To the extent that it’s available, see if your utility providers will put you on a “balanced billing” plan so that you don’t have to worry about the account becoming overdrawn if you happen to run the A/C too much in August or something, and to help you keep things consistent. Also, see if you can change payment due dates so that everything is due at or around the same time of the month (or split between two days of the month, ideally to coincide with paychecks) – it feels terrible to watch all your monthly expenses fly out of your account at once, but it also prevents you from “borrowing” from money earmarked for one bill to pay another that’s due earlier.

        Agree in advance that no one touches the joint checking except to put money into it, and that any spending outside of the regular bills will be on the person making the purchase (or will be discussed/apportioned accordingly if it’s a joint/family expense).

        The hardest part, for me, was learning not to spend money that was already earmarked, but hadn’t yet left my account. “I’ll just use that money to pick up that thing today, and then I can pay the electric bill out of NEXT week’s check” was a common line of thinking, and it inevitably led to overdrawn accounts and late notices. Money for bills needs to be treated as sacred – you do not use it for ANY.THING. except the bill it’s earmarked for. Getting your bills set up will make it easier to control your spending – you can’t spend what’s not there.

      • R

        I don’t think the accounts you have are important – set them up however you decide will give you the best insight on your spending. You need to figure out how to get that $300 back into your pockets (because I assume that means you’re still paying the mortgage and keeping kids in school). No amount of changing your accounts will do that for you, you need to sit down and work through it. Pick any of these methods, but DO IT.

        I’m telling you, you keep saying “raise will help” or “we just don’t have the cash right now”. But more money will NOT help and you DO have the cash right now. You’re just spending it on random stuff, and you’re going to keep doing that no matter your income, unless you change your habits.

        Sorry to be harsh. But it took a harsh friend to get me to change my money life, because inertia would have carried me into the poor house. Make this a priority. Today.

      • saltylady

        With that amount of obligation and expenses, $300 left over at the end of the month isn’t a lot. That’s like two meals for four at Subway, a trip to Target, and a couple movies. You’re cutting it close, which is fine, but you need a very firm budget.

        I would combine accounts with your husband to get everything under one umbrella.

    • anon a mouse

      one thought – if you are getting a big tax return, adjust your withholding so you have more money every month instead of letting the IRS hold onto it.

      • tesyaa

        I’d say the opposite, almost – having the IRS hold onto it is a way of forced savings, and at today’s interest rates, there’s not a lot of forgone benefit. Sure, if they’re starving, they need the money now. But the OP didn’t mention an expectation of a tax refund.

    • Brant

      You should act as if there is no forthcoming raise/bonus/tax rebate. Get yourselves in gear to be back on track with the income you have NOW. Anything that comes unexpectedly should go to debt.

      You mentioned that you cut all the luxuries, but I’d suggest you go back and take another look. Are you still, for example, buying clothes new for the kids? Could you thrift instead? What kind of car(s) do you drive [if you’re making car payments, can you downgrade to something more affordable? Even if that means schlepping the kids in a sedan or minivan vs SUV?]? What does your family eat for dinner? If the nanny is non-negotiable (ie, a “must have”), can you work to have her help with (cheaper) dinner prep? Are you being as frugal as possible with your utilities (ie- keeping the thermostat very low, being conservative with water/electric- whatever the biggie is in your area)? Did you replace cable with Netflix or are you truly not watching TV?

      I would suggest that until you can make a mortgage payment, you simply do not carry your credit/debit card. Take out a certain amount of cash each week and use it at the grocery store and gas station and THATS IT.

      You got your harsh talk above, but I have to add that I would take a job on nights/weekends, even if it were babysitting for $15/hr, if it would prevent us from missing a mortgage payment. I can’t even imagine how this happened to you–it’s not like somebody lost a job. Then again, I worked a full time job and a part time job to put myself through grad school (part-time). It made my early 20s a whirlwind, but the trade off of no debt was worth it to me.

      • tesyaa

        Couple of pitfalls people should watch out for:

        OP took home equity loans for home improvements (HVAC) – increased value of house but has no intention of selling. Then missed mortgage payments. ??

        OP says they cut expenses to the bones, then says her “minor emergency” fund is depleted due to Christmas presents. Cut back on the presents.

        OP is waiting to pay cash for new tires – putting it off until 529 is repaid – but this actually a safety issue. Are the kids riding in the car with bald tires?

        I’m scratching my head, but I know the OP isn’t alone.

      • Anonymou$

        Brant, I agree with 99% of your post, but I just wanted to follow-up on your “I can’t even imagine how this happened to you”. I can’t speak for OP, but here’s how it happened to me:

        1. No education around budgeting/money. I grew up in a financially chaotic home (dad was a small business owner, so his income varied wildly over time, and parents filled in the gaps, when they arose, with credit), and truly did not understand how finances could be managed or how bills should be paid. Children from “normal,” middle-class families learn how to manage money because there’s excess money to be managed, and kids get things like allowances and spending money that they then learn to spend/control under responsible adult supervision. I, on the other hand, was taught to “spend what you have when you have it until it’s gone, because if you try to have a savings account dad will pillage it the minute his business has a short month.” You can guess how that warped my spending habits.

        2. No experience *having* money until I was an adult earning my own income. (See “financially chaotic household,” above.) Since I never had any money, I didn’t know what to do with it when I did get some – I theoretically understood that I should be prioritizing my bills, but I had zero concrete skills to apply to that vague theoretical knowledge.

        Those two things, combined, led me to spend every dollar I had on pretty much whatever I wanted as a young adult (because I’d never been able to HAVE the things I wanted – see “financially chaotic household,” above), without regard for whether I’d be able to pay my bills next week, because hey, that’s next week’s problem, right? I then abused credit cards to fill in the self-created gaps based on my total lack of budget and somewhat reckless spending, and created a debt cycle that was really difficult to get out of, although I was eventually able to educate myself and get myself out of it through careful budgeting and an almost complete ban on discretionary spending for about a year.

        Harsh talk is warranted, sure, but the lack of empathy in your statement just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Not everyone has your background, your upbringing, your knowledge, your education, your resources. Outwardly successful people can have all sorts of gaps in their personal knowledge and experiences that would lead them to make “bad” decisions (or to just plain not know which decisions are “good”). If you spent 15 minutes thinking about it, I’m sure you absolutely could’ve “imagine[d] how this happened” to OP.

        • Anonymou$

          Oh, and one more piece – when you grow up in constant financial crisis, it no longer feels like a crisis, it just feels inevitable. It’s like the “missing stair” problem – financial edition.

        • Not legal advice

          This. There is a lot of privileged thinking on this blog. Spend a few hours in family court or bankruptcy court. I meet with people who appear to be upper class, big house, big car, name brand clothes for the kids, and when we go over the financial affidavits there is NO retirement savings, maybe $2000 in a savings account, checking account ends up near zero each month, and they each have $20k in credit card debt.

          Remember the government shutdown? The number of people freaking out about missing one paycheck? It is because, for whatever reason, the majority of the people in this country, rich or poor, live near paycheck to paycheck.

          I don’t like to blame the institutions but I also see so many people that get taken advantage of, particularly in divorce. I’ve seen a cell phone company convince an 80 year old woman she needed a huge monthly data package on her flip phone. There really was a lot of predatory lending in the mid 2000’s and people would be talked into upgrading to loans they couldn’t afford. If you don’t have financially savvy people in your family, you think you can trust the mortgage broker to advise you.

      • ashamedly anon for this

        These are all great suggestions, and we do a lot of them already–and I absolutely don’t think that anyone’s suggestions or comments are harsh. At all. It is all exactly what I need.

        1) we both teach EMT classes at every opportunity. $100 per night of teaching, for 4 hours isn’t bad at all, plus $50 for skills labs. We can usually net about $800-1000 between the two of us, per semester.

        2) cars paid off. We have a 2005 honda element that is my daily driver, and a 2002 honda crv that pretty much sits in the garage (DH uses it to hunt, or any other time that we need a “beater” or for any time that he has to have both kids, and I have the element). We have considered selling the CRV, but we wouldn’t make much off of it anyway, but still a consideration. DH has a company vehicle that he uses daily, that is paid for, including gas. We don’t travel much, and I purchase gas for the element probably every 3 weeks or so. We use Kroger discounts, and we had gift cards from our company left over from last year, such that I haven’t paid full price for gas in lord knows how long.

        3) We have the cheapest netflix that is available–the streaming-only version, and that is our only source of TV for the kids. That’s really all we use it for. It’s about $10/month.

        4) clothes are always second-hand from once-upon-a-child or friends’ hand-me-downs

        5) I cook at home whenever we eat at home. ODS has a dairy allergy that prevents us from going out to eat. Almost ever. DH and I haven’t gone on a “date” in forever, nor have we gone out as a family in months. So, dinners are always from home, even if they are the more expensive option of something like a frozen pizza rather than cheap chicken & rice. I spent a grand total of $500 on groceries for the entire month of December, which included christmas dinner. I also lump household goods in the grocery bill (diapers, cleaning supplies & the like) I can also tell you that $500 included christmas presents, because I would have purchased stuff like matchbox cars & art supplies at walmart on the same day that I bought milk.

        6) the nanny is non-negotiable. She does do meal prep, as well as house-cleaning and all child-related laundry.

        While I expect a raise, I can’t look forward to it, because I have no idea how much it is going to be. I can’t tell myself “oh, it is going to be so much better with my extra 40%!” So, I am moving forward with this and our budget with the assumption that our salaries aren’t going to change at all.

        We did have some unforeseen expenses earlier in September that put a hurt on our ability to pay things–my SM was dying, and we drove 5 hours to see her. We spent about $500 on the trip including the hotel and childcare because we didn’t feel it was appropriate to bring them with us. When she died, it was another $300 or so (my sister and I split a hotel) just 2 weeks later.

        So, I am not at all trying to justify our stupidity. It is 99% our lack of oversight of our own finances, and about 1% unforeseen expenses. But I am absolutely garnering everything you girls are saying, because you all are super-savvy.

        • Godzilla

          OP, you are in a remarkably difficult situation and the way you’ve opened up to us and shared your troubles is really inspiring. I hope things work out for the better. And never feel ashamed to come to us. Hugs and rawrs.

          • ashamedly anon for this

            Well, it’s my issue. I own it. I wouldn’t get sage advice from you guys if I were vague about my situation…Hearing that I’m not the only one, but also hearing advice from you all who have either overcome it, or avoided it altogether, is comforting and reassuring.

            In the meantime, I have made a quick & dirty excel spreadsheet that has all of our expenses (I am sure I am missing one or two that I just can’t think of), and have filled in what I know about their amounts. I’ve got my net salary information in there, and I will put DH’s in there when I see him this evening. I have a plan of action that should be pretty easy to implement, it is just going to require us to examine our accounts–what is getting paid out of what account, and we will just funnel all the payment money into that account, which is something we haven’t done before. All of y’all’s ideas about basically keeping a separate account that is ONLY for bill-paying that is both auto-deposited and auto-drafted is probably the one thing that we’re not doing that would save us a ton of heartache.

            It is going to be ok. I know it, it is just going to take hard work and lots of discipline. But in the end, it will pay off, in spades, pun intended.

            Again, not justifying at all, but neither DH nor I were ever taught about money. As an example, DH’s mother told him not to buy a house, because then the expense of potentially fixing a water heater were all on him, rather than a landlord. So, he spent 20 years of his adult life (he’s 14 years older than me) paying rent in an area where he could easily have afforded to buy a house. Not the best advice. My parents just never taught me. The only real advice I got from my mom is to never pay full price. Our current financial situation is based on both poor management, but also unwise decision-making. We don’t have things set up for the next set of tires, you know? But, knowing now that a set of tires for the car is going to run us $600-800 (it’s going to be $530 per a quote that I got last month) whenever it is that we’re going to have to replace them, we can start putting money away now (after current debts are paid, obviously) so that it won’t sneak up on us in 70,000 miles.

            Thank you, really, thank you for all the support and advice. It is very valuable to me.

        • Susedna

          OP, you have my sympathies.

          When the dust settles, and I believe it will, one thing to consider is the process. You say your DH is responsible for the mortgage and yet you’re behind on a lot of the payments.

          For each month that he missed, did he tell you? If he did, and you guys still made the decisions that you made, I’d really strongly encourage you to get financial counselling.

          If he didn’t tell you until one day, he presented it is a surprise-crisis, hey hon, we’re in a deeper hole than you probably thought we were… That’s very bad. Get both financial counselling and some relationship work/discussion about keeping each other better updated on important stuff.

          • ashamedly anon for this

            Yep. Nail on the head. Process is our issue, and we will change it. I’ve got ideas, I’ve got a plan, and DH and I are going to talk about it tonight. We should be able to make implementation changes on Monday when the banks re-open.

            And, in defense of DH, he neither sprang it on me, nor hid it from me. I knew, we both knew, but at the time, we didn’t have the means to stop the bleeding from the mortgage.

            Literally, our tax return will fix the current mortgage crisis. We’re simply waiting on our return information, and will file as soon as we get it. We are in a position not to get any further behind, while waiting on the return. We can make our current payments, but the return will settle the dust and the backlog.

            Y’all are the best.

        • Senior Attorney

          I have been through something very similar to this. Paid off six figure debt and lived to tell the tale. If you would like to talk on the phone about how I did it, drop me an email at SeniorAttorney1 at gmail dot com and I would be happy to chat. Maybe talking to somebody who has been there will be helpful. Hugs to you!

          • ashamedly anon for this

            what a generous offer! Thank you–I might be calling you, or at least emailing you for sure.

          • L

            I’ll throw my email out there too. thelbchallenge at the mail of google. Happy to help and be a kind ear/tough love.

            The hardest thing to get over mentally is the sense that you’ve scraped by for so long so what’s a night out/lunch/new to you clothing item etc. It starts the debt spiral and you feel like you’re perpetually paying with no progress. Once you figure out exactly where your money is supposed to go versus where it actually goes, you will feel so much better.

        • Bonnie

          Think again about selling the CRV. According to Kelley Blue Book a 2002 CRV has a resale value of about $8,000. Plus you would not have to pay for insurance, registration, maintenance, etc., saving you a lot of money.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I really recommend reading The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and second all the YNAB suggestions, even just going through the webcast and reading the blog instead of buying the software.

      • In Rem

        Yes, and you really need to get your husband on board and set priorities. My husband was raised in financial chaos and is uncomfortable with money, so I pretty much do all the finance in our house, and he has an allowance. It works for us to have it centralized like that. I suspect you can use YNAB or Ramsey, but I love this old book, “How to Live Within your Means and Still Finance your Dreams” by Robert Ortalda. It’s from 1989 but still available on Amazon, and it’s a great book. He sets up the spreadsheets for you and gives you the math to do the calculations for long-term saving (he’d call it funding — no mindless saving; all your money has a place and a purpose). He covers borrowing between funds, which you have been doing without a real plan for it. I set up one of his spreadsheets for college saving about 13 years ago, and it has worked out exactly according to plan. And hugs to you; it sounds like things can turn around for you.

  17. anon

    ok I feel absolutely silly asking this but I want to buy one of those vibrating panties with a remote control for valentines day this year- I think my bf and I would really enjoy it- but can’t seem to find a product online with good reviews. if I’m going to spend $50+ on something I want it to be functional. so not too loud, the vibrations not too weak, decent battery life, etc. Any recs?

    • TJ re Tracking Expenses - DClwr

      Ladies, asking for some advice. Could you recommend a good way (web site, program, spreadsheet?) to track our family’s expenses? Such as, break down how much we spend and on what. I want to use that as a step towards coming up with a family budget. TIA!

    • IT Chick in MN

      Sadly, no one I know who has looked for this type of fun toy has been pleased with the result. Apparently there are toys which can be tucked into regular panties which work better.

      • anon

        ok, I’m open to that sort of toy- in fact I was thinking more along the lines of a small vibrator (so that it doesn’t create a bulge in your pants, ha) that fits into your underwear and can be controlled with a remote.

    • anonish

      check out Lelo or ovo. no experience with the latter, and Lelo is pricy, but i think worth it. can’t look up the exact name of the Lelo i’ve used (NSFW) but its egg shaped and has a separate remote control.

  18. wonkette

    Shopping challenge, please: I would like a beautiful, stream-lined leather wallet where my money can lie flat. Preferred colors: pewter or or black and brown mixed. Price point: up to $60, though I could do $80 for something perfect.

    Also a perfect black evening bag, while we’re at it? $50 or less? thinking lux leather (something chanel-y?) or satin.

    • SMSS

      I don’t have a recommendation for the wallet but I just wanted to pop in and say I am grateful to see that SOMEONE else sees “money lies flat” as a requirement. I am looking too and my husband thinks this is an insane reason not to like one.

      For evening, I just got the Kate Spade cedar street monday and I love it very much.

        • Anon

          I don’t think Kate Spade is out if you can get to an outlet mall when they’re having a sale… I bought my KS wallet at an outlet for about $70 (admittedly a few years ago but I don’t think the prices have changed much). I’ve used it every day for 4 hours and it’s still in awesome shape. They also sometimes have online sample sales.

  19. roses

    Quick question – I’m getting a washer/dryer installed in my condo today. Ordered it from a place that also sends people out to install. Do I tip the people who install it?

    • tesyaa

      I usually don’t – but if they go to extra effort (moving furniture, removing doors) you certainly could.

      • Anon

        I always like to get the guys cool drinks, like Gatorade or whatever, as a gesture of acknowledgement and appreciation for the hard manual work. When I first meet everyone I like to ask: what’s your drink? Soda? Fancy Water? Coffee? and then do a quick run to the store to get the items. If the job ends up being much more difficult, or they do a lot of extra stuff for you, then I think a tip is also in order….

        • Aggie

          +1

          I don’t usually run to the store though, I just offer whatever is in my fridge at the moment. At my last Dryer delivery the crew went above and beyond – installed the power cord, hauled off the old dryer instead of leaving it on the curb and vacuumed their path from my laundry room to the front door. I tipped them $15 each (I would have tipped more, but that was all the cash I had on hand.)

  20. Advice?

    I think I know the answer to this one but curious if there’s something I haven’t thought of. I have a good friend who is going through a terrible break up of her marriage. Kids involved and nasty, nasty soon to be ex. My friend has never had great judgment in men, but I have never said anything one way or the other. Now she has a neighbor that she is interested in. This is some guy she always thought was cute and he’s going through the same thing with his wife and he also has a small child and they live next door, so when she’s stuck at home with the kids and they go to bed, he comes over and they hang out. She claims they have this incredible connection, they always felt it, she feels better around him, yadda yadda. So far nothing has happened, but I think soon it will even though every week she tells him to stop coming over because this is a messy idea and then as soon as her kids go to bed, he gets drunk, calls her and they hang out on the porch.
    I guess my question is how do I get through my friend’s head that this guy is just trouble? I’ve met him and he is just such a loser. Not smart, depressed, drinks. Also, a jerk, but that’s another story. I know this is all my opinion but still I just worry that my friend will be in an ever crappier place after this all blows up and this guy’s wife moves back home and my friend has to live there. He’s barely separated with his wife and there is a good chance they’ll reconcile. I know the answer is to just stay out of it. But am I missing some other option? Reading this, I feel like I just need to shut up. I already told her I didn’t have a good feeling about this whole situation and she agrees but keeps doing what she’s doing. So am I right? Do I just stay out of it from now on?

    • tazdevil

      Stay out of it! I have an ex-friend who also had shitty taste in men, and instead of being grateful for my advice, she constantly used me as an emotional punching bag since she couldn’t confront the “love of the life” over crappy behaviohr.

    • Herbie

      Yep, stay out of it. You already told your friend you had a bad feeling about this, and she agreed. Your friend is a grown woman and can make her own choices, regardless of how poor they may be.

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