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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 218 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Blossom Sleeveless Blouse

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Pink Sleeveless Printed Top: Ann Taylor Blossom Sleeveless BlouseOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Purty! This shade of pale pink seems to be super hot right now (and probably for a while) — but this seems to be a particularly gorgeous specimen, and I love how the two shades of pink mingle with the small, almost abstract flowers. Gorgeous. I’d wear it with light gray pants and a pale pink cardigan if I could find the right color. It’s $44 at Ann Taylor (sizes XS-XXL), marked down from $59. An additional 50% off is applied at checkout, bringing it down to just $22.50! Ann Taylor Blossom Sleeveless Blouse Here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

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Comments

  1. Ellen

    Yay Kat! HAPPY FRUEGEL FRIDAY to the ENTIRE HIVE!!! And, I love Ann Taylor, and this Fruegal Friday Special! Who knew I could get Anne Taylor at this fruegel price? YAY!!!!

    Myrna is over at the Today Show watching Alicia Keys and I am on LI with Mom’s Bunion’s. I am lookeing for her on Dad’s TV. We must ALL help our parent’s as they need us b/c they brought us up. This is the least I can do. I encourage the HIVE to be good to their parent’s this LABOR DAY weekend, as all of our Mom’s went into LABOR for us many year’s ago. I am NOT goeing to the Hamton’s this weekend b/c Mom is more important. YAY to Mom’s EVERYWHERE!

  2. KT

    I wish I could wear this color, but I’m so pale, it’s almost a dead-on match of my skin and I just look naked

    • Navy Attorney

      Funny, I’m African American and thought it would look horrible on me too. Tan is a hard shade to wear next to skin/with lots of skin on display.

    • GCA

      I have a feeling this is a difficult color to wear! I’m Asian, medium olive skin, yellow undertones – no way I could pull off that shade…

    • Lynn

      Yup. My skin is pretty much that exact shade of blush. I also can’t tell if it’s sheer or not. I really hate having to wear a cami under everything.

      • January

        I wonder if it has to do with how pink your undertones are. This shade of pink makes me look pretty washed-out (possibly because I have fair skin and dark hair).

      • RR

        Agreed. I am also very pale and really like this color on me (and, in fact, just ordered this shell and another in a similar color). I think it just depends on your precise tones.

      • Nati

        Yup I’m pale but with blonde hair and I think this colour looks great on me. I’ve even had people that pink “is my colour” even though I don’t wear it often.

    • Elsa

      I’m pale with dark blonde hair and I find that most pastel shades (including pink/blush like this) look horrible. Even light purple or light green I feel somewhat blend in with my skin from afar.

  3. anonymous

    Following yesterday’s discussion about indicators of class, learning the right mannerisms etc, I’m a WOC in my mid 20s and grew up really poor. 3 Ivy league degrees, doing really well now etc. I’ve studied people around me a lot to figure out things like etiquette at business lunches, mannerisms, etc. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job of it. Yesterday’s discussion got me wondering though what kinds of things I might be missing. In your experience or observation, what kind of things stand out most, and what advice would you give to people like me?

    • Lynn

      I also think you’re probably doing fine; better than fine, really. I think the biggest issues are usually grammar (legit concern) and accent (totally unfair, FWIW). As far as I can tell, no one cares which fork you use. At least I hope not, because I don’t have a clue either.

      • Lyssa

        Maybe this just indicates that I’m still not that high class, but I’ve never actually been to one of these multi-fork dinners that people talk about (other than the standard salad fork/dinner fork set up). Seems like most of the fancier restaurants clear and place the appropriate silverware for each course as it is served. Maybe that’s a more modern (and sensible) way of doing things?

        • Anonymous

          +1 I think this is a space issue tbh. Multi-fork dinners happen at home, where the table is large enough to accommodate enough people and forks and hostess/servants don’t want to have to re-place the forks for each course.

        • Wildkitten

          My undergrad had a class on these before I graduated, but then the recession hit, and I’ve never used this “skill.”

      • Senior Attorney

        The fork thing is dead easy. Start on the outside. Boom!

        Also, watch what the hostess is doing and you’re fine.

    • Anonattorney

      Posture, eye contact, firm handshakes, physical presence. But in my experience those are more age and maturity issues, instead of demographics.

        • anon

          It’s like stage presence. Pretend that you are on stage and giving a performance. Idk how to really describe that – it’s the attitude that all eyes may be on you and you are there for a purpose, rather than looking invisible and shrinking into the background.

        • Anonattorney

          Also just not being afraid to take up space. Sitting up straight, keeping still (don’t fidget). Don’t close off your body by hunching over or crossing your arms. I think of it as being still and statuesque. Power posing. Watch the Amy Cuddy TedTalk from a few years ago.

          • Anonengineer

            What do I do with my hands in a power pose? I work in a very male dominated field/department and I am a small person. I feel like I am constantly conscious of trying to take up more space, stand up straighter, generally have the power pose sort of thing, in order to feel more powerful when surrounded by 10 six foot tall guys. I’ve (somewhat) got it down for most of my body, but I always feel really awkward about what to do with my hands if I’m not holding anything. Tips?

        • Anon

          I channel Kate Middleton and pretend that, whether I am walking, standing, seated, or talking, all eyes (and cameras) will be on me at all times.

    • Anonymous

      I think you’re probably fine. Some people are good at responding to social cues and absorbing etiquette rules from those around them and some people need to be specifically told what the rules are. I think law school classes on interview meal protocol would be very beneficial to the second group, but if you’re lucky enough to be in the first group I wouldn’t worry about it.

      • anonymous OP

        I think I’m in the first group, but how would I really know? That seems like a difficult thing to judge about yourself.

        • Elysian

          You’re asking the question, so you’re probably in the clued-in group.

    • blue

      I come from a solidly middle-class family with loving but super awkward parents who didn’t take us to restaurants much growing up, so I developed some techniques for restaurant settings. One easy thing that is now super natural to me is to simply ask questions of those around me in a neutral way. If a partner takes me to a restaurant for lunch, I ask if he’s been there before and what he recommends so I get a sense of whether this is a quick sandwich thing or appetizers and entrees. If I get a question I didn’t anticipate from a waiter, I default to, “what do you recommend?” and then usually accept the recommendation. For instance, I was in a restaurant where the waiter asked how I wanted my salmon cooked (i.e., rare, medium, etc.), which I didn’t expect. Turns out, they recommend medium at that place.

      Also, people like to give advice, so doing this plays into that.

      • Blind spot

        OH GOSH. I just had a flashback to my most mortifying fancy restaurant newbie experience. I had parents who drilled into me all the upper middle class rules and etiquette, how to handle lots of forks, etc. But there was a major blind spot in my “education”– they were not at all foodies and we lived in a rural area that didn’t have a lot of restaurants, let alone something fancy. I had never had sushi, hummus, or any kind of ethic food beyond Americanized versions of Chinese and Mexican until I was in college. On top of this, my mother always cooked meats extra well done.

        So I went to this really nice restaurant with some people who were used to eating at restaurants like that and ordered tuna “well done”. The entire table and the waiter gasped. Audibly. MORTIFYING. I don’t remember how I ended up ordering it in the end, I think they maybe talked me down to “medium”. I’m a much more adventurous eater at this point, and would totally get the tuna rare. But that is a really good suggestions to ask for a recommendation.

        • Also in Academia

          My mother cooked all meat until it was a sort of hockey puck, so at the advanced age of 27 or so I was aghast when a date ordered a pork chop done medium. Luckily he was also from a rural background and took my facial expression in stride.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            I didn’t like to eat meat much growing up. I now know that it wasn’t that I didn’t like meat, I didn’t like well done hockey puck meat. I couldn’t believe that I suddenly liked steak and pork when my in-laws cooked it.

          • Anonymous

            Pork, like chicken, isn’t safe to eat undercooked though? Fancy restaurants serve rare or raw fish and beef but I’ve never heard of pork tartar.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            There’s a difference between just a bit of pink in the pork or even a still juicy no pink pork chop form a super well done dry and hard to chew pork chop.

          • Anon

            Pork should be cooked to at least 160 degrees, which is about medium as it will still have some pink.

          • Jellann

            It’s now been deemed by the food prep demigods that 145 degrees is ok for pork.

          • Lyssa

            Pork is really safe now; they’ve gotten a handle on whatever problems they used to have with it, so there’s no reason to cook it well done.

            My mom was like that, too. I recall (well into my teen years) wondering aloud why people make such a big deal about steak. The only kind I ever had was my mother’s bargain basement cut, roasted in the oven (?) to well done, with little to no salt (my mom is anti-salt), and drenched in A-1 sauce. I was probably at least 19 before I tried anything that would actually pass as steak to normal people.

        • 2 Cents

          Haha, my boyfriend once ordered a steak “well done” at a super fancy steak place because he’d always had it that way and was afraid of getting sick from undercooked meat (the waiter took it in stride). I let him know that, personally, I think hamburgers are more suspect, and to try a medium-well steak once to see if he liked it. Now, he’s down to medium.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yeah, I think a good rule of thumb is “never order anything ‘well done.'”

      • anon

        I like this too. Some restaurants ask what temperature you want your meat cooked to, particularly with fish. Uhhhh an appropriate temperature???

      • blue

        This reminded me of a silly story from when I was a summer associate. A partner liked to take summer associates for lunch to a very casual counter-service place that is in a picturesque part of town. It worked out that we 3 summer associates all ordered separately even though it all went on the firm’s tab. I asked the partner what he recommended, and he said: hot dog and vanilla milk shake, no question. So that’s what I got. And the other summers (all male) were all sad with the salads that they got to try to be professional while the partner and I enjoyed our milk shakes and hot dogs.

      • Anonymous

        I use the “what do you recommend” strategy a lot when faced with a wine list that I cannot make sense of when out with fancy wine/food people.

        I say I like “syrahs” (or other acceptable varietals of wine that I actually like, but wouldn’t be sneered at by wine snobs), what do you recommend here?

        then I go with their choice.

    • BB

      Have you heard or seen talks by Carla Harris? I saw her at a conference and was floored. She is African-American exec at Morgan Stanley (client-facing one at that) from the rural south who worked her way up. She has just about every cultural disadvantage you could think of.

    • bridget

      Making assumptions about the way people act or how their lives work when you really have no clue. (This also applies to higher earning people who shoot off about what other people’s lives are like!)

      A sample of things I have heard spoken out loud, stated as incontrovertible fact:

      “If you can afford to pay full tuition, Harvard will accept you.”

      “I thought your family didn’t have much money because you all drive old cars.”

      Some version (rather strident) about wealthy men universally not caring about the earning power of a potential wife. (This individual could not comprehend that a successful man might be worried about divorce courts – or at least some non-zero number of them consider such things.)

      “If you (general you) make $90,000 a year, you’re rich.”

      General surprise about wealthy families who have their kids wait tables over the summer, don’t give them an allowance, don’t pay for grad school, etc.

      Assumptions that the hours that high-earning jobs take are roughly equivalent to “normal” jobs. (I know that plenty of lower-earning people work *hard* and sometimes, grody hours!) I’m talking about people who are just gobsmacked that a lot of upper-middle class earners routinely put in 60 or 80 hour weeks, and are being paid to be stressed and to outsource work.

      —

      Obviously, in the grand scheme, these things are NBD. It’s definitely not the snotty assumptions that you have no manners or work ethic because you don’t have nice lifestyle. And there are *definitely* asinine things that wealthier people spout off about that make me think “You don’t know a single middle-class person, do you?”.

      But it’s what stands out to me the most as “you don’t get it.”

  4. Anonymous for this

    Sort of piggybacking off of the discussion from the afternoon thread yesterday about the Cleveland Indians and racist sports team names…My husband is Native American. He is a fan of the Washington Redskins, the Cleveland Indians, the Oakland Warriors and the Chicago Blackhawks. His family members like these teams as well as others like the Atlanta Braves and the Kansas City Chiefs. Several of them are huge sports fans and none of them object to these names. My husband especially loves wearing his Washington football jersey.

    I have always felt uncomfortable with these names and was surprised that he doesn’t feel the same way. I recognize that as a white person it’s not my place to talk over and lecture him about this. It still feels a bit weird sometimes though.

    • Anonymous

      A lot of people see it as an honor. In fact, I’ve read that the vast majority of American Indians feel the way he does. Redskins is the one that stands out to me as derogatory especially, but Chiefs and Warriors and Braves don’t seem like a problem at all.

      • emeralds

        Would love to see a citation for the “vast majority” quote. That does not line up with my understanding of this issue, which comes from reading a variety of Native American perspectives (did a quick scan of some sources, including Native blogs/online media as well as Google, CNN, etc. before submitting this, literally did not see one single Native author coming out in support of it) as well as conversations with a few Native people that I know. Of course, there are some Native Americans who are fine with it, like Anonymous for this’s husband. But there are definitely Native Americans who are NOT fine with it.

        • Anon

          Washington Post did a survey of Native Americans a few months ago and 90% of respondents said they weren’t offended by the Redskins name.

    • Lynn

      Some do, some don’t. I feel weird about caring since I’m white, but I do care. I think Braves are ok (except the caricature mascot), but Indians and Redskins are not. Why? Because braves are akin to knights–so a kind of warrior rather than a kind of people. When you get into wholesale names that encompass the entire population, rather than exemplary types within that population, then it becomes a separation of them and us, making them “other.” You wouldn’t have a team called White People. There’s nothing great about that. We have a team of Indians because we’ve decided all Indians are the same, and we’ve assigned them characteristics that we think they should have. Not ok.

      I’m probably explaining this all wrong.

      • anon

        Even if it’s not racist, is it cultural appropriation to use something like “braves” as a mascot for a predominately non-Native American sports team? “Knights” seems distinguishable in that sense: an American team could use “knights” as a team name because that’s part of the cultural heritage of the city – a now-American government – that the team is representing.

        • Lynn

          Honestly, I have no idea. I never feel like I’m on firm ground with cultural appropriation. I don’t know the limits. Like, can I eat bagels with lox? I’m not Jewish. It seems like a stupid question, but I honestly just don’t understand. The only really clear thing to me is white girls shouldn’t wear headdresses.

          • Anonymous

            I feel like cultural appropriation has kind of jumped the shark. Wearing a sari to be “an Indian person” on Halloween is cultural appropriation/racism. Wearing a sari to an Indian wedding, or using a rose medallion you purchased on a trip to China or eating bagels and lox because you like the taste is not cultural appropriation. It’s like you can’t even learn about or appreciate other cultures or enjoy any of their traditions because people scream “CULTURAL APPROPRIATION.”

          • Anonymous

            White *people* and anyone who isn’t Native should not wear a headdress (unless they have been adopted into or are being honored by a Native tribe and are invited to do so). Men are just as capable of being insensitive as women.

          • anon

            I think Lynn was referring to the pictures you see plastered all over the internet during festival season of young white women – and as a veteran of many festivals I can attest that it’s almost exclusively women who do this – in bikinis with glitter tattoos and face paint donning headdresses while they WOOO all over the place.

          • Anon

            Three of my four grandparents are Native-American and I grew up on a reservation. I know everyone’s experience is different but in mine I have seen way more non Native-American men wearing headresses than I have women.

          • Wildkitten

            Using Native Americans as a mascot is much more like a halloween costume than it is like eating a bagel. It’s not even cultural appropriation, it’s treating a people as if they are animals.

          • Wildkitten

            I assume the white women in headdresses comment was about a specific Kardashian.

          • Anonymous

            Except that the Kardashian’s aren’t white. Not that it’s acceptable for anyone else who isn’t native to wear one of course.

            Also to ‘Anon’ if you have a white grandparent you wouldn’t be allowed to live on a reservation since your not technically a full native.

          • Anonymous

            I’m part Armenian and that entire side of my family identifies as white.

            You’d have to ask them, but I’m pretty sure that’s the case for the Kardashians.

          • Anon

            Um…what?

            My great grandfather was half Cherokee and lived on the reservation.

      • nutella

        No, the issue is that it is of a minority population.

        Spartans are people, so are Trojans, Celtics, Fighting Irish, Quakers, Colonials, etc. The latter are not seen as derogatory mascots because they refer to majority populations. (Spartans are Greek, but they are still white.)

    • Anonymous

      This makes me think of a related issue….

      I am white, grew up lower middle class in a pretty diverse place. Family very liberal.

      My brother looks at me askance If I refer to someone as “black” instead of African American or POC. I don’t think he has any close black friends except one friend of mine I introduced him to.

      During casual conversation with my friends who are black….. They all say black. I say black.

      Is this a class thing? Generational? Casual vs formal conversation?

      I’m in my 40’s.

      • Wildkitten

        All of the above. It can depend on location as well – in the Carribean folks are not “African-American” for example. I think the key is to say black… people, not “blacks.”

        • Anonymous

          +1 – not reducing people to their adjective. I see as similar to how we call the female half of the species women, not females (female being the adjective, women being the noun).

      • anon

        I think largely location and generational. In my experience, members of Caribbean and African immigrant populations do not appreciate being called African-American because they are not. On the other hand, people of actual African American descent, particularly Southerners who lived through the Civil Rights Era, may see the term as a sign of respect that they fought for. I also agree with Wildkitten — I think it’s key to use adjectives as adjectives, not nouns. (Black, gay, and female are characteristics of humans, not the entirety of a person.)

      • Anonymous

        So none of you describe someone as black? The young generation only uses African American? What do POC feel most comfortable with?

        Because that is not what I see among my peers. Definitely my friend who is born in Haiti and grew up in the US uses black and not AA.

        My friends who use African American consistently are all white, but my black friends do not use it consistently at all.

        I asked one of my black friends who I grew up with about this years ago, and she laughed and brushed me off. But maybe times have changed.

        • anonymous

          I’m a millennial. I say “black.” I’m also half black and that half of the family is from the Carribean, so I don’t use “African American” to describe myself. I also don’t use it to describe other black people for similar reasons. I don’t actually know where they’re from, and most black people I know don’t call themselves African American.

      • Anon

        I’m a millennial. I say “black.” I’m also half black and that half of the family is from the Carribean, so I don’t use “African American” to describe myself. I also don’t use it to describe other black people for similar reasons. I don’t actually know where they’re from, and most black people I know don’t call themselves African American.

  5. preganon

    Any recommendations for core exercises that can be done in the 2nd tri (which I’m just starting)? My Doctor says it’s fine to keep doing them while it’s comfortable, but I’m having trouble tracking down recommended exercises. Some sites seem to suggest regular crunches could exacerbate diastasic recti, so just wondering if anyone has any experience with this or recommendations? Thanks so much!

    • Betty

      I would go with prenatal barre as a way of keeping your core toned. I picked up barre after delivering my second and nothing has toned my core like barre (I’m generally a runner).

      • emeralds

        Barre is a great option. I had an instructor who taught and took classes up to the 8.5-month mark (#goals) and my studio has a very solid pre- and post-natal contingent who take regular classes, but with modifications as necessary.

    • Anonymous

      Check out Birthfit…. I have a friend who just reached full term in her pregnancy and is a personal trainer who has been following this. There are certain exercises that are fine, but not all core exercises are created equally (or not even all exercises… she can’t do pull-ups, for example) when it comes to this! She gave planks as an example of something she can do, but not for an extended period of time.

    • TK

      I did plank through about 7 mos, had to stop once baby belly started hitting the floor.

      That was the only core left to do after I was cautioned not to twist, crunch, or lie on my back.

    • Jeffiner

      I did crunches for as long as I could during the second tri, but that was me. I’ve heard that working your transverse abs can help prevent diastasis recti, so planks and flutter kicks.

    • Anonymous

      Tupler technique! I did it postpartum but you can do it during your pregnancy. I worked with a PT but I think fairly google-able.

    • preganon

      Thanks, everyone – I’ve definitely been considering out barre and I’ll look into the rest of these options too. Really appreciate it!

    • Anonymous

      I’m finding crunches to be uncomfortable even in my first Tri (soon to be into second). So I’ve been doing planks and then other weight lifting (your core includes your back too!!). I plan to start pre-natal yoga once a week too.

  6. Boston Recommendations?

    Hello all,

    I’m going to be in Boston (staying in Billerica) the week of 9/12 for a conference. I’ve never been to Boston before and will be free every day in the evenings. I’d love a few recommendations of sights to see in the area, places to eat, anything else I should know.

    Thanks so much!

    • Anonymous

      How much time will you have? Billerica is not close to Boston. Best case is prob 45 mins, could easily take an hour.

        • Billerica commuter rail

          These posters are right, Billerica is not close to Boston. But you can take a commuter train into the city. Depending on where your hotel is, you can take the train from the North Billerica commuter station. The train goes right into the city. From there you can use the T to get around. Look at the MBTA website for more info.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. Will you have a car? You could def go to Concord/Lexington one evening and look at the battle sites and the Minuteman trail. Otherwise you would want to park somewhere and take the T or commuter rail into the city.

      • Anon

        Not necessarily. Billerica borders Burlington, a major office market/corridor. If you are on the south end of Billerica, near the Burlington line, heading into Boston at night isn’t a ridiculous thought at all. DH works in Burlington and comes into Boston to meet me frequently in downtown.

        OP, there was a thread a week or so ago about restauran recommendations. The North End is good for food and wandering. You can’t go wrong taking a stroll through Faneuil Hall or hopping the Duck Boats (might be tight with your schedule) to get a good overview of the city. They’re cheesy, but also super effective. Have fun!

    • CHJ

      Will you have a car? Billerica is definitely far from Boston, but one area near Billerica that’s worth seeing is Concord/Lexington. Concord in particular has a cute downtown and amazing history. Sleepy Hollow Cemetery and Walden Pond are both worth exploring. And Bondir is a great spot for dinner.

      • Closet Redux

        +1

        ^This plan sounds great. Concord/Lexington, Walden Pond, and Bondir for dinner (make reservations ahead of time, it is TEENY). I’ve had an excellent meal at 80 Thoreau in Concord, if you want to avoid driving into Cambridge.

        Another non-Boston way to go would be Salem. Very beautiful little coastal town with great history and lots to wander around and enjoy, more easily accessible than Boston.

    • Anon

      My post is in moderation. OP – don’t be discouraged. Billerica isn’t that far, particularly at the southern end which is concentrated with office parks (maybe where you’ll be?) and is adjacent to Burlington. Whenever my post shows up, I hope it helps! (ps: you’ll definitely need a car)

      • Boston Recommendations?

        Oh no, I hadn’t planned on needing a car. I’ll add that to my list of things to take care of before I leave. I’ll be there through the 16th. Is there anything in that immediately area, if I arrive late from a flight and need to get something to eat?

        Thanks for the recommendations so far. Keep them coming if there’s anything else!

        • Anon

          Do a little homework before you go. Needing a car should be a given if you googled the location, so just make sure you really understand where you’re headed. Billerica is an outer-suburban location. It’s a bedroom community and doesn’t have a lot to offer. You’ll need to travel to Burlington for your amenities. Third Avenue has a Wegmans with an amazing prepared food section. But you’ll find all of your go-to national retailers on that stretch of road (Third Ave/Burlington Mall).

          • Boston Recommendations?

            Thanks for the advice, but I could do without the attitude (do your homework, needing a car should be a given). This was a last minute trip required by my work that I only found out about yesterday so please don’t assume I’m not doing my diligence.
            But I do genuinely appreciate the tips on the area. Thank you.

        • Anonymous

          Definitely rent a car. It’s almost certainly cheaper than trying to Uber or take a cab. If you want to see Boston, I’d recommend trying to stop on your way in from the airport (though you’ll have to deal with parking). Depending on how comfortable you are with public transportation– or how willing you are to spend money on cabs– you could think about heading into Boston for dinner/wandering and then cab it back to the airport to pick up a rental car to head to your hotel. If you take the Blue line to the Aquarium stop, you can stroll through fanueil hall/Quincy market and the Greenway.

          Other point of note: it’s pronounced Bill-rick-a. Slight emphasis on the “Bill”

    • Boston Recommendations?

      Thank you all for the advice and the heads up! Much appreciated!

  7. Anonymous

    Recommendations for mats/pads to keep cat litter and food off the carpet? Kitty’s supplies will be in a bedroom with carpeting and I want to keep stuff from getting ground in as much as possible. She gets her food from a foraging ball, which I’d like to retain because it entertains her, and either way, because of her age, a lot of food ends up on the floor. I’m thinking maybe some large mats with rims to keep things from sliding off. Is that a thing?

    • Carrots

      I have a garbage bag and then newspaper under my litter boxes, plus cardboard boxes up along the walls for anything that misses. One of the boxes is also sits inside a cardboard box. I also bought mats from the pet store that are supposed to trap litter as they leave (doesn’t always work, but it’s there).

      It still gets out onto the carpet occasionally, but this way it’s not all getting directly on my carpet. Consistently vaccumming helps too (I try to do it weekly).

    • aBr

      Look for bathmats with the really big loops (if that makes sense). They work better than any of the hideous cat specific litter mats.

    • Anonymous

      Hire a cleaning person. Care less about the mess in between cleaning visits. That’s all I got.

    • ChiLaw

      We use the Clever Kitty litter box. The fact that the cat has to jump onto the lid, along with the high sides, do a lot to keep litter from getting everywhere. If she could handle the jumping it might be worth considering.

    • CPA Lady

      Our cats have a litter box and food and water in a carpeted guest bedroom. My husband leaves the vacuum cleaner plugged in in that room and does a quick sweep of the area around the food and litter areas every day or two. Takes maybe 1-2 minutes since the vacuum is right there.

    • bgo

      I have a higher sided litter box and a covered litter box. Took my cats a bit of time with the covered one but they got used to it and it cuts down in a large way on mess and dust. I also have the litter box on one of the water hog mats. A little pricey – but indestructible AND can be vacuumed so easily and is so much more effective at keeping litter mess contained to THAT mat and not trekked throughout my apartment. I also second the recommendation for some help with cleaning. For food – I have it on a plastic rimmed mat but my cats will always still pull food out to eat on the carpet. Sigh. But the mat does help with mess.

    • BB

      I have mats with sides for both my cat’s food and litter box (different mats). The food one is great and no food escapes unless she puts it there – search for “pet food mat” on Amazon and several will come up. The litter box one is new as of a few days ago, so I can’t really speak to its efficacy yet. I have always had litter mats, but usually they do not have sides – hoping this one with sides works better.

  8. miami

    let’s say you were having a destination wedding in miami in jan. 2017 most of your non-refundable deposits have been made, but invitations have not gone out. would you cancel due to zika?

    • Anonymous

      Are immediate family members or members of the wedding party pregnant or TTC? If not, then no I wouldn’t cancel but you’ll probably have a slightly higher than normal decline rate. If someone you can’t imagine having the wedding without, like your sister or best friend, is pregnant and isn’t willing to attend then maybe I’d think about moving it.

    • anon

      no, not unless a significant portion of my guests were pregnant or at the stage of their lives where they were trying to conceive.

      • Betty

        I might also expect a handful of last minute cancellations. You could have friends or family members who are not pregnant now (or when you send out invitations) but could become pregnant in December or January.

      • lawsuited

        Remember that “at the stage of their lives where they’re trying to conceive” could cover couples ages 25 to 40. If you want a Miami wedding, I wouldn’t cancel. But you’ll need to be understanding when people turn down the invitation, and don’t necessarily give you a reason because they don’t want to advertise that they’re TTC. I expect the fact that you’re having a destination wedding already means you were prepared for some of your invited guests not being able to make it :)

    • AIMS

      How much are the non refundable deposits and how much is that to you (e.g., $3k is worth more to some than other).

      Why Miami in the first place?

      Overall, assuming you had a good reason to want to get married there in the first place, I wouldn’t cancel but I would be very understanding of anyone who didn’t travel there for the wedding.

    • Anonymous

      It would depend on my pregnancy plans and the plans of my closest guests.

    • Anon

      I might.

      Even if no one in the party was actively TTC, they might contract Zika and bring it back to wherever they travelled from, where it could spread to people who are.

      • Anonymous

        You mean like the hundreds of thousands of people who travel to Zika zones every day and return to places that currently don’t have Zika? This wedding is not going to single handedly spread Zika around the US. LOL.

        • Anon

          LOL, really? Genuine question – is travel to/from Zika zones not how it is currently spreading, at least in part?

          I was under the impression that it can transmit person to person (and not just mosquito to person), so wouldn’t someone who was bit and infected at a Miami wedding have the potential to spread the virus to someone outside of Miami?

          Am I just wrong about that?

          • Anonymous

            It can only spread directly person-to-person via s*x so someone who gets Zika could only potentially infect their partner(s) directly. The LOL is because there are literally hundreds of thousands of people (maybe even millions) of people who every day return home to Zika-free areas after traveling to Zika zones. This wedding is going to have what, a couple hundred guests? It’s not going to be a statistically significant factor in spreading Zika. Cancel the wedding if people you love won’t be able to attend because they’re pregnant or TTC, not because you think this wedding is going to bring Zika to Chicago. Zika is going to spread where it’s going to spread irrespective of this wedding.

          • Wildkitten

            There also has to be the right species of mosquito to spread it, and there are many places in the states where that mosquito does not live.

    • Bonnie

      It’s too hard to predict what the status of Zika will be in January. Don’t cancel the wedding but expect higher declination rates.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t cancel it, but I’d certainly be understanding of any guests of child-bearing age who decide not to come.

    • Miami

      Thanks all. That’s where we were coming out though with all the news lately we’ve started getting more “are you still having it in Miami” questions so started questioning our choice. We have a handful of guests who are TTC and have told us they aren’t likely to come which we completely understand (along with anyone else who doesn’t want to come due to Zika / costs generally).

      Thanks!

      • had mine in Miami a few yrs ago

        2 ideas: livestream your wedding with a password to log in so that those who can’t come can still be present in their own way, hire Catering By Les. Food is amazing and every guest at mine had 2nds or 3rds… have been to so many weddings where food was scarce and they thought you were a loon if you asked about extra or something, yet here the food was super tasty and there was a lot of it! Plus, we had the company cater our wedding shower, our rehearsal dinner, our reception, and then the brunch the day after. Saved money using one company for everything!

  9. DC lunch

    What’s the favorite DC lunch spot of the moment? Veggie-friendly, metro-accessible (orange/silver/blue lines preferred), not wildly expensive, and fun drink options, please. Will be there Labor Day if it matters. Thanks in advance!

    • Bonnie

      For a casual spot, I like HipCityVeg in Chinatown. For a sit down place, Zatyinya, Jaleo, and Oyamel all have vegetarian options.

    • Lynn

      LOL, metro accessible! Are you already in town and taking visitors? If so, you know the deal with metro. If not, pay attention to the weird schedule stuff happening, and you might have to use Uber as a backup.

      • DC lunch

        Yup we know the metro will be weird. One person is coming into town right by the orange line on 66 and doesn’t want to have to park in the city on a holiday, one person doesn’t have a car and lives on the orange line so needs transit anyway.

    • Tetra

      I really like Shouk for fast casual, though it’s not on the orange line (nearest Metro is Mount Vernon on the green line). A restaurant on Barrack’s Row might be fun (just south of Eastern Market) – try Ambar or Cava Mezze.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re ok with something more casual, I *LOVE* Cava Grill. They have several locations in DC, and they’re usually pretty close to a metro stop. It’s like a Mediterranean version of Chipotle, and they have amazing seasonal (non-alcoholic) juices and teas.

      The Gallery Place/Chinatown location has a decent seating area upstairs for eating and lounging.

  10. Anonymous

    Any tips on what to pack for extended trips away from home? I’ve got my first out-of-town trial coming up and will be gone for 3-4 weeks. I’m usually only at out of town trials for 4 or 5 days, so living away from home for a month is new.

    • Anon

      This is where a capsule wardrobe shines. Bring nothing that doesn’t match with at least a few other things!

    • Meg March

      Bring the splurges that will make your hotel room feel like home. Your own pillow, a favorite throw/wrap, etc.

    • Anonymous

      I try to bring 6 different outfits. One for each day of the week, and then one to offset it from week to week. For example, Monday’s outfit becomes Tuesday’s of the next week, Etc, so you are not wearing the same outfit the same day of each week. For the weekends I usually just do jeans and a top.

  11. ELaw

    Love the blouse!

    I’m looking for a way to store my dog and cat food that’s not plastic bins in the corner. I don’t have pantry space for them, so they need to go in that corner, but I want something that looks nicer. Any suggestions? I have seen tilt-out bins that look nice but the food really needs to be in something that seals. I live in a cockroach infested swamp, and having pet food out in unsealed containers is basically leaving bait out for them and not an option.

    • Anon

      Plastic bins inside a wicker or wooden laundry hamper (or similar)? Better outside visual, but interior protection.

      • ELaw

        I thought of this but have been having a hard time finding bins with measurements that will fit in the hampers I can find.

        I may need to build something or have it built like 10:41 suggested. I’m not especially handy and was hoping there was a solution other than that, ugh.

    • Anon

      Build a box that will hold the bins? I’m sure Pinterest has some ideas. It shouldn’t be hard and you could likely find someone willing to do it for you.

    • Wildkitten

      Google it or search pinterest. This is a problem a lot of people have and there are a lot of creative solutions.

    • brokentoe

      Simplehuman has a brushed stainless sealing pet food canister that works for us – I think there are different sizes, but I have one that holds the 40 lb bag of dog food. It also has a magnetized scoop built into the lid that is very handy.

    • Bonnie

      Depending on the size of your dog, how about a dog bowl stand with built-in storage? Lots of non-plastic option on etsy. You can also search for decorative dog food storage.

    • bgo

      I use glass sealed decorative jars. Basically I went to homegoods and looked for the “upscale” version of the plastic ones. I know there is a name for them but it is escaping me now. They are glass and have the tops attached by metal hinges with the plastic liner circling the top – keeps the food fresh, but is more “decorative” in my mind then the plastic container.

  12. First Year Anon

    My BF really wants a Shinola watch. His birthday is coming up. However, the cost is out of the price range of what I would typically spend by a few hundred dollars…besides just splurging on it (which I am contemplating), is there some other way to make this happen? Would it be weird to contribute to the cost but not get it for him (that sounds weird typing it out). I also feel like he might feel really guilty if I spent that much money and it might take the fun out of it.

    • Detroit!

      Don’t blow your budget on a gift! But… could you give it to him for Christmas as a combined birthday/Christmas gift?

      • First Year Anon

        Technically I could combine it but there are a couple of months between his birthday and xmas so it might be weird.

        You’re probably right- I have lots of other gift ideas that are within my budget. He just never spends money on himself so I wanted to be nice and treat him.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think you should spend beyond your budget, for a number of reasons. Shinola does have gift cards available if that is something you wanted to consider. Maybe that is a compromise? If you REALLY want to buy this watch, you could get him one card now and one for Christmas (assuming you celebrate that) – and then he could get the watch.

    • anonanom

      Or, you present it as a combo Bday/early Christmas/Holiday present. You could still do something small and token-ish at the holidays for gift exchange. Assuming that puts you in the normal range of what you would spend on both.

      • First Year Anon

        True…plus an engagement might be in our near future (with a year or so)- obviously that is far off but it got me thinking- do women ever give men engagement gifts? We get rings…(well, most people do)

        • anon

          I like the idea of an engagement gift but my fiance didn’t, so I didn’t get him one. I plan to get him an extra-splurgy wedding present to account for that.

          • CountC

            +1 But also, I have heard of people giving guitars as engagement “rings” to their future spouse, as well as saddles, etc. It’s completely up to the two of you!

          • Senior Attorney

            I got a sparkly ring for my engagement, and Lovely Fiance got sparkly lights to put in the grapefruit tree in the back yard!

        • Wildkitten

          This is a great idea. Watches are very popular as an engagement gift between gay men and I love the idea.

        • nutella

          I am of the opinion that you can give gifts whenever you want! I got my fiance a Cartier watch for our engagement and his 30th. It just felt a little… uneven to me that I should receive a super special ring and he gets nothing. It was a surprise to him and seeing the look on his face and him telling me he has never received such a nice gift was sooooo special – it was sort of like what men/proposers get to see when they propose. Anyway, I am the type that likes for things to be more even, but everyone is different. For instance, one of my friends is of the opinion “Women have the babies, so they get more nice stuff.”

  13. Anonymous

    I recently moved firms and I’m working with junior partners for the first time. My practice area in my last firm hadn’t elevated a senior associate for many years, which is in large part why I switched.

    I’ve noticed that the junior partners tend to be very concerned about the bill. They repeatedly tell me to watch how much time I bill. I’ve never had these comments before and I don’t get them from more seasoned partners in my current firm, even on small matters with small clients. I’m also (I think) very efficient – I average around 45 minutes – 1 hour/page for researching and drafting a brief or motion. My work has been very drafting-heavy lately and I just don’t think I can trim my time without sacrificing work quality. I’ve tried to say things like, how many hours do you anticipate I should bill for X assignment? When I get close to that I will update on my progress. But I’m still getting these comments. Is this sort of thing common with junior partners? How do I address it?

    • XX

      In my experience, they feel pressure to keep costs low in response to pressure from the firm, or from the clients. They’re very invested in looking good to the clients for future business development purposes. It’s much easier for them to pressure you to be fast/not record your time than it is for them to face the client and justify the time, or face the firm and justify writing it off. I don’t know about your firm, but my midlaw firm has a strict policy where if you’re writing off more than x amount on a bill, you’ve got to run it by one of the most senior partners on exec com who is (unaffectionately) called Voldemort. No jr partner wants to deal with that– better to browbeat an associate. I’ve got a jr partner who is adamant that I do everything as fast and efficiently and cheaply as possible on one new matter we got, because he’s desperate to get more work from this client (he has told me this). Every time I begin a new task he starts blabbering “don’t spend any time on it!”

      I think your strategy so far is good. If you have decent support staff, outsource anything you can (putting in edits, proof reading, cite checking). I’d be prepared with justifications ready (this issue was more difficult than expected because X, or found negative caselaw from x jurisdiction, by doing it this way we avoided X enforcement action) or whatever-something that they could say to the client when the client inevitably asks “why is this so high?” Keep them posted. At the end of the day, though, its your work product- don’t cut corners and produce poor work that reflects poorly on you and could risk the client’s interests just because jr partners are struggling with their backbones.

    • ...

      I would just do the work, bill it, and let the partners cut it.

      Ultimately, if the client can’t afford to pay, the firm can’t afford to work for them–but that is part of the “luxury” of being an associate, and the junior partners have to deal with that choice.

      But when you’re working for clients who are that price sensitive, I find that more of my time gets billed/paid when I am really detailed with task descriptions. So, instead of billing for drafting/research, I bill for EVERY portion, in a separate entry so like: .instead of ” _ hrs: legal research on _____ issue, ”

      I would bill: “.5 research 7th Circuit case law re: fiduciary duty owed to ___; .5 Review cited authority from opposing party’s motion/response to assess strengths of argument; .5-conference with reference attorney (lol…let the Westlaw ref atty get you started on the resarch on speaker phone while you do all these entries) ___ regarding strategy going forward; .5 Review deposition testimony relevant to ficuciary duty issue.

      I think people do not understand how time-intensive research and writing are, and you have to lay it out.

      • ChiLaw

        I agree. Unless I was given a *firm* limit on time (happened sometimes!) I would just bill with great detail, almost exactly as listed above. I found that separating out (to the extent possible) time I spent working on legal research from factual review and from actual drafting was helpful.

      • OP

        Thanks, this is helpful. I have some clients that don’t allow block billing so I have to break out my time like this, but it didn’t occur to me to do that for clients that allow block billing. I’ll try this approach and see if that helps.

      • anon in SV

        Yes, task bill everything in detail.

        EXCEPT note that if the client has insurance, the insurance counsel will challenge any kind of “unnecessary” communications, which generally means all internal communications (because apparently they think we should write briefs without ever talking to each other… right…), so I would not include the conference with the reference attorney. Also, insurance will bounce “review” but will not bounce “analyze.”

        Also note that sometimes timesheets end up getting produced, at the very least to insurance counsel, so be sure to not have anything on there in your lovely details that you wouldn’t want seen by others. Example – “research case law regarding intentional spoliation regarding activities by CEO John Smith.”

        I never talk to anyone in my firm and I never review anything, according to my timesheets. However, I do research XYZ, analyze ABC, and strategize regarding 123 a lot.

    • ELaw

      “I would just do the work, bill it, and let the partners cut it.”

      +1

      It’s your job to record your time, whatever amount of time that is. It’s the billing partner’s job to reduce the bill if they think it’s appropriate.

      Is it the same junior partner that keeps bringing this up or is it more than one? If it’s one partner in particular, I would try approaching him/her about it. If it’s a lot of them, maybe it’s a firm culture issue? Is there another associate at your level you can ask about this?

      • ChiLaw

        Even though I just agreed with this, I do think there’s room for… I am not sure how to put it, exactly, but I guess knowing how much something is worth? A client shouldn’t be paying me for an hour spent researching the standard for an MSJ, for example. This was an adjustment I had to make when I moved from BigLaw to little firms.

        Sometimes a client legitimately only has $X to spend on this matter, or, if you’re working on a contingency, there’s no way the firm can recoup painstaking unnecessary detail. Sometimes broad strokes get it done; sometimes it’s ok to trust your judgment; sometimes the client would rather have a less robust (accurate, researched, and good, but perhaps not polished and perfect) brief that they can afford than a perfect brief that costs them more than they stand to win. I think that whether this is your job to manage definitely depends on the structure of your firm, but it’s not a bad lesson to learn, to consider the whole picture of your client’s representation.

        • OP

          I agree with this too. I won’t bill for things that don’t build value. I consider it a cost of doing business. For example, if I’m getting up to speed in a new area of law, I’ll spend some time google searching before I delve into the actual research. I generally don’t bill for my google searching; it’s giving me the information I need to come up with search terms etc. to start my research, not actually researching something helpful to the client. Or if there’s some kind of staff issue and I have to track down the appropriate person to take care of my filing, I don’t bill that time. But if I’m drafting, researching, and editing the brief, I’m billing every second of it.

    • ...

      If you just want quick and d–r.ty tips to do stuff faster:

      -call the westlaw/lexis ref. line and put them on speaker. explain situation/what you’re looking for. Do your work/easy drafting while they are working (hit or miss–some of them are AMAZING and others seem annoyed)

      -Sometimes, if I can find a factually similar case (and it’s not something my firm has done internally), I will bust into Pacer or analagous state court docket and pull the briefs supporting my position, check cites, download/OCR and cut and paste the relevant case law/discussions/etc.

      It’s a lot cheaper to to the Pacer route (at least on my firm’s plan) than to pull the briefs/pleadings from Westlaw/Lexis.

      This is super helpful when you’re dealing with NLRB/administrative stuff that swings wildly with different administrations–get the most recent briefs/filings or see how they’re formatted.

      -have assistant format everything

      -in inital drafts, put placeholders for affidavit cites–(this fact from affiant. ( Affiant Aff. at _). draft brief using what you’d want in an affidavit (assuming you’ve talked to affiant and have solid idea of factual issues) and draft the affidavit LAST after brief is drafted, so affidavit cites will be in numerical order and you don’t have to check over and over with revisions.

      -flag every record cite as you’re drafting.

      -when i find interesting dic.ta or holdings (even if it’s not totally relevant to what I’m working on), I put it in an evernote notebook and give it a few tags.

  14. Also in Academia

    Off to Munich this coming week for a work trip. Turns out I will have a lot of free time. I have been there before but it was about 20 years ago. Any recommendations for restaurants, sights to see, and day trips from anyone who’s been there more recently? Right now I am considering spending my free day in Garmish-Partenkirchen. I also want to tour the inside of the Residenz, which I did not get to do on my prior trip. I have been to Dachau and other concentration camp sites and I am not planning to repeat those experiences, meaningful and mournful as they were. Also, I am much more aware of my own mortality than I was at 20, so any thoughts on hiking alone, for example around Garmish? Sensible or not? Or is it just so crowded that I would never be alone?

    • Anonymous

      Unlikely to be alone on a mapped trail. I wouldn’t worry about that. Hike up to an Alpen Hutte and enjoy a meal then hike back down.

      Day trip to Innsbruck or Salzburg or Lindau? Long day but great scenery if you take the train.

    • Betty

      Garmish-Partenkirchen is absolutely beautiful and worth the visit. I lived in Germany for three years growing up, and Garmisch is on the top of my list for places to visit (and I have since moving back to the States). In general, I would not worry too much about hiking alone in Germany. In general, it is an incredibly safe place.

    • Bonnie

      Haven’t been to Garmisch in a while but the trails were all well kept last time I was there. The little town is adorable too.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      I recently went and took a bike tour with Mike’s Bikes and loved that.

      Asam church is gorgeous inside. Created by two brother’s as their private church in 1700s and truly unique.

      The Munich Law Library is free to go into and very unique. Its on the list of prettiest libraries in the world. Address: 3rd Floor, The New Town Hall (Neues Rathaus), Marienplatz 8, 80331 München, Germany
      Hours: Monday to Friday 9:00am to 4:30pm

      I enjoyed going to Nymphenburg Palace. The hunting lodge on the property Amalienburg, has a gorgeous hall of mirrors, and the carriage museum was really interesting too.

    • ticks

      Be careful about ticks; this region has tick born encephalitis, which you don’t want. The vaccine for this is common in Europe but not available in the US. Other than that, have a great time!

  15. Anon

    My husband is struggling with a work situation that is pushing him to consider leaving his current job (long story short – unbelievably toxic coworker, truly a piece of work).

    I feel like I’m not doing a great job of supporting him through this, partly because I admittedly don’t have personal experience with toxic coworkers and so I can’t tell how much of this is truly something that can’t be worked through/past and how much he needs to find a way to deal with it/cope/etc. It pisses me off that he might leave an otherwise awesome position because of this a-hole. I’m also, selfishly, freaking out because I feel like we are in limbo – this job uncertainty is throwing our planned geographic move into turmoil and both internally anxious and concerned about appearing flaky w/r/t location at work.

    I’m not really sure what I’m asking for. But it anyone has ideas on how to either cope with REALLY toxic coworkers, or support a spouse while they are dealing with the anxiety and uncertainty that goes along with it, it would help.

    • Anonymous

      A great book that help me get perspective on toxic bosses and co-workers was ‘Hostage at the Table’ by George Kohlriser (sp?).

      He is a former hostage negotiator that now teaches communication and negotiation skills. The title of the book stems from the fact that sometimes in business you are held hostage by a situation, may be a difficult negotiation or a toxic coworker. He gives tools for managing what does point out there are situations that you just need to leave. It might help to give your husband some perspective to read the book.

    • Anonymous

      As someone who recently just got through the other side of having a toxic coworker, and a supportive partner who helped me through it, I was so surprised by the emotional/energy toll it took on me. Continuously. It was kind of like being depressed – though on the days I didn’t have to interact with that person, I had SO MUCH MORE energy when I came home. One thing you can do is continue to take on additional physical and emotional labor tasks, more than you might typically do, to lighten his exhaustion at the end of the days.

      • anon

        +1 And try to find a balance between letting your partner vent vs. enabling your partner to dwell. When I was in that situation, we had a strict no-coworker complaints for the weekends. I can complain all I want Friday night, but I can’t keep complaining through until Sunday.

    • anon

      “I feel like I’m not doing a great job of supporting him through this, partly because I admittedly don’t have personal experience with toxic coworkers and so I can’t tell how much of this is truly something that can’t be worked through/past and how much he needs to find a way to deal with it/cope/etc.”

      As someone who has been dealing with a terribly toxic work environment for the past year and change (and hopefully about to be done….), this concerns me. I obviously don’t know your husband’s situation, but any indication from my partner (I don’t have one) that I could just “work through it” or “cope” would not be met well. It’s invalidating and dismissive of his concerns and, frankly, not really your place to figure out what he should be able to cope with. In my situation, the toxic coworker was my supervisor, so I had less room to escape than perhaps I would have if it had just been coworkers who didn’t have direct power over my career. But if this person is his supervisor, let me just go ahead and say that it’s highly unlikely this situation is going to change and he is only going to get more miserable/insecure. This will continue to harm your relationship. He needs to leave.

      Things I did that helped me- focus on separating the toxic situation from my sense of self worth and the rest of my life. Therapy. Meds. Documenting everything. Admitting I had to leave, rather than spending the energy wondering and trying SO HARD to “make it work.”

      I totally feel you on the sadness/frustration at leaving an otherwise awesome position. That’s the same situation I’m in. But it’s not reality-it’s not an awesome position if there are toxic coworkers. In terms of helping him not to dwell, don’t frame it as “you need to stop dwelling.” I’d frame it as “honey, I know this blows, but we have a lovely life outside of this. Let’s focus on that for right now and not let this jerk take over any more of our lives.” It’s a positive way to quell the brooding. But yes, it is a terrible, depressing situation. I cried often and had minimal energy for the rest of my life. I’m so medicated right now, just to get through it.. Yay.

      • Anon

        Thank you for this. I think you’re right, and I do feel badly that I haven’t been more supportive/assuming silence meant things were improved/etc.

  16. KateMiddletown

    You guys, we are closing on our first house together on Wednesday and I am beyond excited. Like I can’t concentrate on anything else. My google history is full of “packing tips” and “what could go wrong at the close”… How do you concentrate at work with a major life event looming?!

    • Anonymous4

      Congrats! That is exciting!

      Honestly, with something that big looming I need a really interesting, engaging project I can loose myself in or I can’t concentrate very well. Maybe a Pomodoro style technique – if you can focus for 45 minutes, then give yourself 5 minutes for the next anxious Google search or something?

      I also use Noisli, not only for drowning out office noise but also the noise in my own head. It helps.

      Good luck!

  17. anonymous for this

    I’ve been seriously dating a guy for several months, and we were friends for a few years before we started dating (one or both of us was always in a relationship). Things are going great. We’ve already discussed a lot of the major relationship issues – thoughts on marriage, kids, religion, politics, etc. and are, with minor exceptions, on the same page. My main hang-up is with money. I’m still fairly new to my career and am earning decent money, but I’m far from making over six figures. He is well-established in his career and has been very successful. When we go out to dinner or events, he almost always pays. Sometimes I can sneak in and pick up the tab. But we also tend to go to more upscale restaurants (his choice, he’s a foodie) that I would not be able to pay for on a regular basis. I’m a very independent person who has always split expenses evenly with past SOs (who have generally earned the same salary as me). I don’t like having things that I feel I didn’t “earn” – and maybe that’s more of a “me” issue than an “us” issue. I’ve mentioned that I’m not comfortable with him paying for everything, but it’s not an issue to him and he’s happy to foot the bill. If I insist on paying for something ahead of time, he reiterates that it’s not necessary but ultimately concedes. I almost feel worse making a big deal out of it because these expenses are relatively minor for him but a huge deal for me, and then I end up feeling insecure about my situation (which I know I shouldn’t). So I’m sort of in a lose-lose situation. I would love some opinions on this issue!

    • ELaw

      Hmm.

      Can you offer to pay something that’s less than half when y’all go to a place that’s out of your price range? Like, you could pick up a round of drinks, or the appetizers? I think there must be some graceful way to pay something without it being a straight 50/50 split.

      • nutella

        I have other thoughts, but on this, a way to do it would be to pay for drinks at the bar before dinner or paying for gelato down the block after dinner. You could also buy groceries and cook, etc. Or just pick up little things here and there on your dates like movie tickets, etc.

        I would say if you are talking marriage, I wouldn’t worry so much because at some point you will be a combined unit with combined (either in part or in whole) finances. Don’t worry too much about an even 50/50 split, but you can do little things here and there to contribute.

    • anon

      Would you feel comfortable with a rule like, you always pay for brunch/lunch and he always pays for dinner? Maybe he buys concert tickets and you pay for the alcohol you two drink while there?

    • ChiLaw

      The way I have tried to think of it is that the person who picks the place generally pays (birthdays or whatever might be an exception). And then, if both of us were on the same page and he wanted to go somewhere I couldn’t afford and to treat me, I tried to accept graciously. But then I also made a point of picking places I liked that I could afford to take the other person to — I love treating someone maybe even more than I love being treated! And maybe you can start to shift away from “going out” so much to doing (cheaper) things like cooking together, getting picnic stuff from the store and taking it to the park, etc. It doesn’t always have to be big eating-out type dates.

      • anonymous for this

        Thanks for the suggestions so far. And yes to ChiLaw, I love treating people as well! So this difference in our lifestyles presents some challenges that I simply haven’t had to deal with previously. I think I need to accept both that he enjoys treating me and that I need to continue sticking to my guns with finding opportunities to feel like I’m contributing equally.

    • Anonymous

      I am very, very similar to you.

      What has worked for me, is that we don’t always go to the pricey foodie places. We also go to places in my budget. And then I treat and/or pitch in for more of those. Since I love Indian/Thai/Vietnamese etc.. and in general these places are way cheaper than Per Se (and often more fun to eat….), that’s where I step in more often, and at the minimum split. I can pay for the pizza.

      Or even better, sometimes I cook the Indian meal myself at home, and he brings the wine!

      I can be the one to pay for brunch. Or to find the tix to the free event/outing/picnic/drive. It actually isn’t very hard to be modest in outings

    • Anonymous

      Can you think of it almost like the fancy restaurants are a hobby of his and you are just keeping him company while he participates in the hobby? Because if he’s the one suggesting all these restaurants it kind of his interest and he should pay. I’d focus on planning and treating close to 50% of the time rather than trying to cover 50% of the total date-night spending. When you treat, you can pick the place and it can be cheap, or you can have dinner at home or go wine-tasting or do something that’s very affordable.

      • anonymous for this

        Framing it as a hobby is actually really helpful. He’s a foodie and enjoys going to more upscale places. And he frequents them on a very regular basis. I definitely enjoy myself but it’s not something I’m super in to or passionate about.

    • Anonymous

      I’m very independent also and have almost always dated someone who made more money than me. Honestly, I just got over it. If it was something my partner wanted to do for me, I let them. If I suggested dinner and I picked out the place, then I paid. If I was super uncomfortable that particular day, I suggested eating in/cooking at home, but honestly, that ended up being just as expensive half the time.

      I am at a point in my life where if someone wants to spend money on me, I say bring it on. I don’t keep score, I don’t feel like I need to reciprocate. It’s up to that person to determine whether they are comfortable with spending the money on me and if they want to, who am I to tell them not to. Just like if I wanted to spend my money on someone I cared about, I would get kind of ticked off if they always wanted to have a discussion about it. I am an adult, I get to decide where and on what I spend my money. It is also my responsibility to determine if I can afford something and say no if I cannot.

      I say all this even after I had a particularly crazy ex who basically sent me a bill for every dime he had ever spent on me throughout the course of our relationship. Shrug. Dude, you’re an adult, I didn’t hold a gun to your head and tell you to buy me dinner, you know?

      Sorry, I’m rambling and I am not sure this is at all helpful for you!

      • anon

        This. I dated a very generous guy who had money (family money, job money) while I was a broke grad student. I felt awkward about it, but there was no universe where I could pay for our dinners. Maybe about 1 month or so in, I said something like “you know I’m never going to be able to pick up the check… please don’t feel like we have to go to these fancy places.” He took my hands and said, “please, don’t even think about it, I want to. I want to take you out and I want it to be at a place with a tablecloth.” I never thought about it again. Downside: now I’m a spoiled foodie. We broke up amicably when he moved across the country for a high paying job. Ha.

      • anonymous for this

        That’s a very healthy perspective and one that I should stay mindful of going forward. And I’m going to have to get a little more creative in ways to treat someone with certain tastes and who basically has everything. So I can get satisfaction from treating as well. But I should probably just chill out for a bit, not overthink it, and enjoy that I’m with someone who takes joy in treating me and has the means to easily do so.

        • CountC

          Huh, that was me above, but my name didn’t populate. Yes! Enjoy it and believe him when he tells you it makes him happy and it’s fine. It’s his responsibility to tell you if there is an issue, it’s not yours to guess or make one up :)

          As for getting creative, I struggled with that at first too. I was not too proud to Google, however. For one BF, I bought an old antique (?) fire extinguisher that had seen better days for cheap on Craigslist and spent time cleaning it and polishing it. It wasn’t expensive or hard, but it was special because sure, could he have bought one on his own? Absolutely, but it was special because he knew that I had taken the time to clean and polish it myself. I’ve also had success with tracking down a memento that relates to something from their childhood or any other good memory. Again, it doesn’t have to be THE collectors item, it can be something off eBay that you frame yourself or create a neat shadow box with other little items that you accumulate. It can be buying a postcard from every place you visited or traveled together and finding a neat way to present them as a gift during the holidays or at a birthday. This is also where experience gifts come in handy IMO.

      • H

        I agree with this. Him paying for dinner (and wanting to) doesn’t make you any less independent. And it doesn’t sound like he’s bankrolling your whole life. Enjoy the dates! He’s not keeping score, so neither should you.

  18. Flat Iron

    My flat iron just died and I need a new one. I have thick curly iron. Suggestions?

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I have similar hair and my stylist recommended an Izunami straightener. I love mine and will never buy another brand. You can buy it online.

  20. ChiLaw

    Does anyone have experience with Sleevie Wonders? Or a similar type thing? The Sleevie Wonders seem pretty pricy for what they are, but I guess if they’re great I’d consider it. I am just looking to get the look of layering a long/elbow sleeve shirt under a dress without the added bulk.

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