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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Ann Taylor is having some pretty great sales right now, including this cute blue tweed jacket, which was $170, then marked to $140, but with 60% off comes to $58. Yes please. It's got lots of sizes left in regular, petite, and tall sizes, but no matching bottoms as far as I can see. (This unrelated square-necked tweed dress comes down to $50 with discounts, though, and this nice-looking seamed ponte sheath comes down to around $60!) Pictured: Tweed Jacket
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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Elbe
I don’t like this sleeve length. I always feel like Frankenstein.
Houda
A different perspective: I actively seek sleeves that end right above my wrist. I think it is a delicate feature of my body and I would every now and then wear a bangle.
Maudie Atkinson
Ditto. I love this sleeve length.
Cat
Same – I love bracelet length sleeves. I think they’re elegant.
Mrs. Jones
+1
Pretty Primadonna
Same.
Anonymous
Agree. I have a couple slightly shorter armed blazers and they drive me nuts. Hoping to replace this year with full length sleeve.
Colette
If that’s the only feature that you dislike about the blazer, you can just take them to a tailor and get the seams at the bottom of the sleaves let out for like $15.
I have long arms and do this on all of my blazers.
Anon
Well not on this blazer because there are no hems at the sleeves.
C2
Agree – I’m tall, but don’t have particularly long arms, so it’s tough to get both torso length and sleeve length right for me. Bracelet sleeves are far more forgiving for me than full length.
Ms B
This is the way that petite me can buy a regular misses’ jacket without having to pay for alterations. These sleeves would be exactly full length (and this might be just the jacket to perk up my black sheaths, now that I think about it . . . ).
Anonymous
+1000 and in the winter it’s cold
Anon
I’m with you. I’m tall and this length of sleeve just looks to me like I couldn’t find a jacket that fit me.
Oh how I love a Chanel-style tweed jacket and oh how they do not love me. I’ve never been able to make one work. I’m tall and big (think Julia Child) and they just don’t look good on me. But I lust after them!
boo
Omg I love this sleeve. I don’t wear long sleeves, and I tailor or scrunch everything up to 3/4 or bracelet sleeve length. I feel like full long sleeves get in the way, and the shorter length is more flattering on me and allows me to show off my pretty watch/bracelets and skinny wrists!
Small Firm IP Litigator
Me either, but I have a 36.5″ sleeve length so I either get bracelet sleeve length (meant to be regular length) or 3/4 length (meant to be bracelet length).
Chi Squared
I bought this blazer in a 00P and had to return it b/c the sleeves were unusually boxy. Maybe it’s b/c I’m an extreme size, but I just don’t understand Ann Taylor sizing… their 00P skirts fit my waist well, but the matching 00P blazers have tons of room in the torso.
HSAL
Speaking of AT, I just got an order from AT Factory that I’m really happy with. We’ll see how they hold up (though I can’t complain about 7 shirts and a pair of pants for $115), but I found their selection so much better for work basics than regular AT.
R
+1 for AT factory! I’ve found the quality to hold up as well as AT and selection more appealing to me. I have dresses, blazers, blouses, etc that are part of the “workhorse” section of my wardrobe.
J-Non
Is the fit/sizing at AT Factory the same as at regular AT?
HSAL
I thought so, at least for size 14 petite pants and large or large petite shirts.
Doing Casual Well in BigLaw
OMG this is the hill I will die on. I’ve mastered working on no sleep, regulatory changes, 2200 hours a year, and kids 20 months apart. We went casual. Instructions were: no gym attire and no crocs (and we are so non-good-at-fashion that that advice was given based on what people had actually worn in on weekends).
I am spending way too much time thinking about outfits and with miserable outfit fails (OK per the office dress code, but they look just sorry or bad and I inevitably run into clients / rivals more the worse I look).
I’ve taken to reading GoFugYourself to sharpen my sense of what a fail is and who looks good when not wearing a suit (Kate Middleton and Queen Letizia of Spain; Queen Letizia is taller than me and wears Boss, which hits me wrong, esp in the jackets; Kate Middleton is also taller and much smaller in the tummy than I am, but both good for non-suit inspiration; even Meghan Markle’s former style (like white button up, jeans, Sarah Flint flats) is clean and not sloppy (Australia trip clothes were hit and miss and I can’t wear heels like that)).
But I feel like for every day where it works, I spend too much morning time on dressing petite 40-ish body in a world where it’s now even easier for shorter older women to just veer into looking bad (I could wear turtleneck sweaters and jeans for a week straight, but I am not Steve Jobs).
And when the weather was warmer, it was easy to put on a non-sheath printed dress and flatish shoes (like flats or 1-2″ block heels) and go but winter is just tricky. And black tights can lock you into an Office Goth color pallette.
Advice? Commiseration?
SuziStockbroker
My office is not business casual, but a couple of ideas….
Is a ponte dress too dressy? I wear tights all winter (because, Canadian). Yes, it does limit your palette somewhat, but I have grey tights and booties that I wear with navy, burgundy, emerald, purple, etc. And then black tights and shoes or boots.
What about a pencil skirt, tights, boots, good quality T under a sweater jacket or cardigan? You can do a pop of colour in the T (or shell) or the topper.
Anonymous
I thought people weren’t doing pencil skirt + sweater/cardi any more (like that was early/mid 2010s when people were business-casual and now that workplaces are casual then it is now not needed and not done b/c it is dated).
But I appreciate how in winter you just want to keep warm, so anything you could pull off with tights, a sweater, and maybe boots is appealing.
CountC
I still wear my pencil skirts because I have a ton of them, I mostly wear them with a blouse/non cardi top of some sort and a Bobeau wrap because it’s always freezing in my office. I work in a casual leaning business casual environment (some people are in jeans, tees, and tennis shoes, no one wears a suit or a tie, execs are in button downs or polos).
Anon
I am in a business casual office that mandates men wear collars or polls, so I wear pencil skirts or sheath dresses almost every day.
Cat
Pencil skirts are the first thing to go for a casual environment IMHO. If I’m in a pencil skirt I might as well be in a full suit for purposes of restricted movement!
Like others here, I find myself reaching for pants far more often than a skirt. Maybe because I wore that look SO much around 2009-2012 (peak Mad Men influence??) and in today’s ridiculous environment, I need to be ready for battle…
Housecounsel
I have been working from home for a while and have been really surprised to read here lately that pencil skirts are out. I LIVED in The Skirt from Nordstrom. Good to know for my occasional forays into the adult world.
Anon
Are you talking casual or business casual? I can’t tell from your post. If it’s casual, I would wear dark colored denim, blouse, sweater and booties for winter.
If it’s business casual, I typically wear tights (I hear you on the goth vibe, but they’re comfy) and a dress or skirt with booties. I find pants hard in the winter because I think they look best (on me) with heels, and I’m not slipping and falling on ice for office fashion. FWIW, it’s easier to wear mostly black with some color. Today, I’m wear a black and white polka dot skirt, black t-shirt, cream colored jardigan from MM La Fleur…and black tights and booties.
I think I dress pretty well for the office, but I’m nowhere near Kate Middleton or Queen Letizia. Those women set a very high bard. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to emulate.
Anonymous
You’re way overthinking this. Own a good pair of jeans, black pants, a few dresses and move on. Black tights can be worn with any color dress? Idk what you’re talking about with the goth comment.
Anonymous
I think that casual is just wrong for BigLaw. If you know you are going to be desk-bound working late and want to wear jeans/sweater/booties for comfort, then it’s nice to have. But otherwise, where you run into clients and competitors, you want to look sharp and sharp is just really hard to pull off in a sloppy outfit. And in my BigLaw casual office, we are just sloppy (embarrasingly so, like really really not good). I think the trick is to stay business-casual with occasional denim — it’s probably easier, what is in your closet, won’t be age/stage inappropriate, and will work when you run into someone (or today, when I forgot I had a meeting and was glad to be clothed appropriately).
Magoo
Ugh, my office used this same justification to mandate suiting. In 5 years of Biglaw, I never once “ran into” a client during a business day. Clients rarely came into the office at all and most weren’t even in our time zone.
Anon
Thanks for this. I always get a question mark in my head when people talk about “running into clients”. Are you in small town litigation where you’ll run into clients after work? Do clients just stroll into your office? Are you in court everyday (in which case you wouldn’t be in casual attire at all)?
Every law office I’ve ever seen has client meeting rooms and attorney offices completely segregated, usually not even on the same floor. Why? Because lawyers write strategy and business structures all over their papers and white boards.
HSAL
Agree on the overthinking, but disagree that black tights can be worn with any color dress. There are a few people in my office who do the black tights/black booties with every dress and it looks so off with lighter/warm colors.
Pretty Primadonna
I agree. Also, I don’t like black tights with jewel-tone or bright colors, either; that look is dated to me. Debate me.
For a look that’s less severe or Goth than black tights and boots, I like navy tights and pumps or with grey booties.
Cat
We’re business casual, not casual-casual, BUT a few ideas for winter uniform:
– Ankle pants, turtleneck or crewneck sweater, smoking slipper style flats
– Black or gray jeans, untucked button-down, sweater-blazer OR wool vest topper, booties or pointed-toe flats
– Silky blouse layered under a sheath dress, knee-high sleek flat boots
Anonymous
Figure out 2-3 shapes/outfit combos that work for your shape and style and build variations on that pattern. Black isn’t the enemy in winter – yesterday I did a black sweater dress, black tights, colorful booties and fun earrings; black denim is also super versitile. I have a bunch of wardrobe staples that I mix with accessories that feel ‘in season’ depending on whether stripes/florals/dots/animal prints are feeling freshest.
My current office casual favs for winter are:
– sweater dress with thick tights or leggings + booties
– skinny (but not like date night tight) dark denim or black jeans + dark t + fun blazer/cardigan or patterned/embellished T with dark blazer/cardigan
– Skinny pant with cozy bateau neck sweater + booties or oxfords
– midi skirt with long sleeve embellished T + ballet flats
– black denim + black or neutral long sleeve T or blouse + ballet flats + blanket scarf in a fun print – fun way to do a pop of color with this combo is to do a colorful shoe and and animal print scarf (not necessarily blanket scarf size).
Houda
Petite,curvy, and gaining weight.
When not client-facing, my office is business casual though most men prefer to still wear suits.
I have a capsule wardrobe of: 3 winser pencil skirts (black, aubergine, cherry), they are woven and stretchy so can look casual or formal depending on how you style them, 3 Eric Bompard cashmere sweaters with tiny ruffle neck, 3 Sezane silk blouses (white with black polka dot, dark green, blush).
Any given day, I am wearing a pencil skirt with on of these tops, black tights and either flat shoes or flat booties.
On casual friday, I wear one of my tops with high-waisted blue jeans and booties
Anonymous
What flat booties do you like? I keep getting recommendations for booties that have at least a 1.5 heel.
Houda
Birkenstock Collins in black. I mentioned them recently here
LifeScienceMBA
Can you do nice dark washed jeans/khakis/ankle pants with a blouse/button down (pants or tops could have a pattern), and a knit blazer or nice cardigan? Ponte skirt or dress with tights?
Another trick is to dress up a simple casual outfit like jeans and a simple blouse with accessories: nice leather belt + matching shoes (boots, heels, flats), interesting jewelry or scarf.
Anonymous
I actually think you are onto something with the turtleneck sweater and jeans every day idea, if the sweater and jeans are high-quality and the styles are either contemporary or very classic. This season, a somewhat loose cashmere or merino turtleneck with dark skinny jeans or black skinny pants and booties would look contemporary. For a more classic look, you could go with dark straight-leg jeans and a more fitted cashmere or merino turtleneck. The frump factor enters when you choose ratty old sweaters, faded jeans, mom jeans (which are not appropriate for actual moms), or anything else that looks left over from a previous decade.
I am small but not short, 40-ish, in a “business casual” office that skews casual and has terrible climate control. Lately I have fallen into the habit of settling on a “uniform” or signature look for each season, which greatly reduces the risk of feeling frumpy and sloppy. My winter uniform this year is skinny jeans in black, gray, or white + slouchy cashmere sweater + booties. For fall, I wore skinny jeans + tee + J. Crew Going Out Blazer or long cardigan + Rothys. Last summer, it was t-shirt dress + jean jacket or utility jacket with rolled-up sleeves + summery wedge shoes. Sometimes I add a scarf.
Anonymous
OP here — we are casual (bordering on sloppy), formerly business-casual. Our clients are often in suits when I see them in the restaurants in our building.
What I think has worked this winter for my freezing office:
Look #1: chunky and slightly cropped wool turtleneck + bootcuts + wedge-heeled bootie
Look #2: chunky high/low hem tunic length wool turtle + skinnies + flat-heel booties
Look #3: cotton turtle (or cotton shirt + scarf) + long wool duster sweater (aka Office Robe) + skinnies + something that is an interesting shoe (heels, leopard flats)
Look #4: wool sweater dress + tights + block-heel pumps
I am finding that I need a deliberate shoe game / strategy and that “putting on something in my closet” has always looked sloppy bordering on awful. Proportion is EVERYTHING (and it was so easy to achieve before).
Anonymous
I had to make a real switch to buying my casual clothing every bit as carefully as my “real” (read “work”) clothes. You’re right — proportion is everything. As is fit. Get your clothes altered, still, if needed. And make sure your fabrics are pristine and polished and good quality.
I’m reminded of a young woman I saw once wearing a button-front shirt, pair of jeans, and pair of pumps. A very plain outfit. But they all fit perfectly, were very polished, her hair was polished, and she looked fantastic and very professional. It was all about the polish, not the fact that she was wearing jeans.
turtleneck and skinnies
These sound like the perfect outfits to make uniforms out of. Have a few skinnies (grey, black, subtle pattern, denim, etc.) that you can use for Looks #2 and #3. Have a few different colors of high-low wool tunic turtlenecks for outfit #2, and a few different colors of cotton shirts for look #3 and maybe 2 duster sweaters. Rotate the colors in and out, and wear those 2 outfits all winter. Same silhouettes, different colors.
You can also make uniforms with Looks #1 and #4, but #2 and #3 have the benefit of using the same bottoms, so fewer overall pieces in your wardrobe.
I pretty much made a uniform out of skinny trousers, knee-high boots or ankle booties, and turtleneck or crew neck wool or cashmere sweaters that hit at exactly the same place on my hips and are flattering with all the pants. I bought the sweaters from only 3 stores, and have some of the exact same sweaters in different colors. Same with the pants. I have some jackets left over from my business formal days that I occasionally throw on if I want extra warmth or a slightly more formal look.
cat socks
Are you casual or business casual?
For business casual in the winter, one of my uniforms was black boot cut pants, printed knit top, cardigan and black ankle boots. Sometimes I would do the same with gray pants. I would also wear the Land’s End ponte knit sheath dress (in black) with a printed cardigan, black tights and black knee high boots. On Fridays, I would wear dark rinse skinny jeans, a knit top or sweater and ankle boots.
I work in a very casual office now and most people wear jeans every day. I usually wear the Friday outfit mentioned above all week. Sometimes I’ll change out the dark rinse jeans for black jeans and black ankle boots. If it’s really cold, I will wear ponte knit leggings, knee high boots and a tunic.
I recently got some cute sweaters and knit tops from Ann Taylor Loft. I’m also in my 40s and short and I found the petite sizes from there to work well for me.
With dressing casual and feeling polished while doing so, I think it’s important to make sure your clothes fit well, which may require tailoring.
I can commiserate with winter dressing being a pain. I was just thinking this morning about how many different pieces of clothing I need to put on. In the summer, it’s a dress, cardigan and then slip on a pair of shoes.
anon
um, kids 20 months apart in big law! that’s impressive. for fall/spring, find a blouse that you like, NYDJ has some, or ann taylor or loft and buy it in multiple colors/patterns – if you don’t get anything too out there no one will notice outfit repeats. for winter, do the same thing with a sweater. then get a few pairs of ponte pants and mix and match.
Anonymous
If you are petite, I wouldn’t take Meghan Markle as your style inspiration. She is tall and somewhat curvy, and styles such as buttondown shirts that look crisp and clean on her end up looking rumply and disheveled on my small, non-curvy frame. Petite figures need cleaner lines with fewer details. Collarless blazers, turtleneck sweaters, pullover sweaters, styles with no buttons, etc. will all work.
Anonymous
I would probably just wear what I always wore but with flats/ankle boots instead of heels and no blazer. I’m not buying a completely new work wardrobe because my job decided to go LESS formal. Plus you have a good excuse – you need to look professional when you run into clients/rivals/potential referral sources!
CHL
This is something that I would throw money at and outsource some of the decision making. Could you go to a Nordstrom stylist (or other stylist) and ask her to put together 10 outfits for you?
Mrs. Type A
A few have already suggested dark jeans. I’d do dark jeans and black jeans. With a colorful blouse and a blazer or cardigan. I worked with a personal shopper a few years ago and she says these 3 lives would be my “uniform.” Works well. Easy to execute.
anon for this
GoFugYourself is a great resource; both of them have a really good eye. sometimes they do shopping posts, which can help. I would recommend finding a few instagram accounts to follow, esp. ones that have the sort of style you aspire to. I have a few scandinavian and german accounts that I like. I think consuming more fashion visually and/or intentionally helps. A note of caution; I love Corporette, but I think a lot of the advice here re:casual fashion is a bit dated or overly prim or preppy (trending into brooks brother mom basic); the same is true of Cap Hill Style. Another tip is to see what looks/shapes/garments you find offputting at first but then return to; often they (and the people wearing them) are more fashion forward…
anon0321
You could just do NY office causal and wear what you’d normally wear minus the jacket and I don’t think anyone would judge you.
I am the person that pushes office casual (I am a lawyer but work mostly with ultra casual older male engineers) and often do dark jeans + a jewel toned shirt/sweater shirt from Ann Taylor Loft. Before I worked here, I’d sub out the jeans for more formal slacks (usually always from ATL because I’m not creative and they do this so well). Always flats for me, because I can’t function in heels.
Anon
If you are casual casual, I’d wear chunky turtleneck sweaters and dark jeans with flats or boots. Sort of an old school Ralph Lauren look.
The original Scarlett
We’re casual too and I find it so much easier. First, you don’t have to chuck your whole wardrobe – if I have “big meeting” days, I still wear a lot of what was formerly business casual. I see it as option expanding – I incorporate a lot more denim now, flats look great (no “is this professional” angst), and I’ll wear trendier things like maxi dresses that I wouldn’t have before. I also find a uniform is easy – my go-to is dark jeans and a silk blouse. Sometimes with flats, sometimes still with heels. I’m in-house, but still a lawyer, so I try to look the part. My style I on is still Jenna Lyons for the high/low/dressy casual vibe. I love that I can wear just about everything in my closet now.
The original Scarlett
PS – the very best piece I bought when switching to casual was the Jcrew everyday chambray shirt (link to follow) – this instead of a more formal top turned all my business stuff casual instantly.
The original Scarlett
https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/shirts_tops/buttonfront/tall-everyday-chambray-shirt/G8058
Anon
I transitioned from a business formal environment to business casual after 20 years(!) (I’m early 50s) and here’s what works for me
Wearing my old stuff as separates when possible
Wearing more knit dresses and skirt separates
Ankle pants
Skinny jeans in black or dark denim
Tops – flowy tanks or other sleeveless tops worn with a cardigan (which I don’t remove)
I feel like I always need that “third piece” to be dressed so I never wear just top+pants or top+skirt. I always have a cardigan or a less structured jacket. I like long cardigans but I’m not petite so of course the advice may vary.
I’m still the boss lady so I don’t mind being dressed a little more formally than the rest of the staff. I wear lots of jewelry (funky pearls) and long scarves. The long scarves are great because they complete the look but also come in handy in freezing conference rooms.
Shoe wise my advice my not work for you because I have fussy feet and need to wear shoes that work for them, but basically I only wear low wedges and ankle boots. If I didn’t need to wear the orthotic I would not wear the wedges and would wear a low heel instead. I don’t wear anything resembling weekend shoes or athletic shoes to work, ever.
Anon
Also I agree with the commenter who said not to chuck your formal work clothing. I wear a lot of my dressier stuff to conferences and client meetings.
Another Anon
I also transitioned from business formal. My current office environment is casual (it’s a construction company) and some people here REALLY push the envelope (workout clothes as work clothes, see-thru, ripped jeans, rubber flip flops, tank tops, tights worn as pants — it’s like an episode of What Not to Wear.)
Like Anon at 11:20, I wear a lot of my pieces as separates and do the cardigan/jacket thing a lot. My go-to outfit is almost always black pants, a black cami, and some type of cardigan over top — be it a long cardi/jardigan or some sort of cardigan in a bright color (although I noticed today that I seem to have acquired a lot of greys and black/white marled knits.) My office is usually cold, so a lot of the time, this is for comfort. I finish off the look with jewelry – longer necklaces – or scarves (again, like Anon at 11:20, the scarves are for comfort in a cold office.)
I used to wear heels (3″ high range) a lot until I started having a lot of issues with my knees. Now I usually wear a wedge or kitten heel around an inch at most. Flats are out as they’re just as painful as heels.
If I would wear skirts to work, I would be fine with a cardi/pencil skirt option because to me, that is a timeless look. YMMV. For the record, I’m slightly younger than 11:30 Anon (it seems she and I have similar taste in clothes!) and don’t mind being more formally dressed at work. I have a hard time finding jeans that fit, nor can I afford enough pairs of the ones I’ve found that DO fit to get me through a work week. Plus, I have all these awesome clothes from my previous job and can’t bear to see them waste away in a closet, so I’m going to wear them, dammit, and if anyone doesn’t like it, they can take me shopping!
anon
I don’t believe this suggestion has already been made, but the blog Extra Petite may be a good resource for outfit ideas.
Anonymama
Also 9to5chic
Anon
I think you are on the right track but just do not have enough items. First, jet black tights look terrible on me so I started ordering the “charcoal” color from Spanx. Big improvement.
Next, have you tried J McLaughlin dresses and tops? Today they have 40% off clearance so you need to hurry but their things are work horses. It is final sale with the 40% off but if you want to chance it, I am 5’6, 130 lbs and wear a Small in dresses and XS in tops (36A bra size but I like these to be fitted.). I love the Durham ruffle tops. They look sharp with everything from dark jeans to suits. Wash and hang to dry. Do you have a couple of dark wash jeans that you like? The BR Ryan pant fits me well, too. A JM shirt, dark wash jeans or BR pant plus shoes and maybe cardigan = out the door.
Another trick to pulling off casual is to carefully consider the shoes. I noticed the Royals have skew dressy with casual clothes and that seems to pull it all together. I like Cole Haan shoes for this. The Tali Modern Bow Pump & the Sadie Wedge are great. Good luck. It’s always something! :)
Ariadne
You’ve had good advice here, so I just wanted to add that the condition of clothes in a casual workplace keeps the overall look more polished. I invested in a sweater shaver, which helps, and try to buy merino, or cotton blends that stay pristine longer.
Also, I wear more a line skirts, as well as interesting (think anthropologie type) pencil skirts. These read less formal on my 40s self; I also go above the knee by a couple of inches, as I think ( on my frame) this is more fresh. Just like skinny jeans being tighter or looser, pencil skirts really look different based on length and tightness.
Small Firm IP Litigator
Could you dress however you want depending on what you’re doing that day? Or just wear business casual if you feel more comfortable with that? The dress code in my office is somewhere between unclear and non-existent. People wear anything from business casual to smart casual to jeans/sneakers/T-shirt/down vest. I’ll dress up more (i.e., dress, heels) on days when I suspect I’ll be meeting with clients or just when I feel like it, and typically wear a blazer or silk blouse and jeans on other days, either with heels or booties. I find I only end up jeans about once a week because I feel more comfortable in dressier clothes.
Wordy
I own this jacket, it’s very nice quality and I think it’s pretty. However, be warned that it is *sparkly.* Not clear on the AT website, but there are several different colors of shiny threads as part of the weave. Works for my office; might not for yours!
AFT
Thanks for the heads up! There are SO MANY cute jackets on sale for $60ish.
Lilly
It is very sparkly. Different sparkly colors! David Bowie glam rock phase sparkly. I had to return it, as it wasn’t suitable for my workplace and I have nowhere else to wear it. Other than the high level of sparkle, I loved it. Same for the skirt. Nice fabric; fairly good construction.
Anon
I’m thinking about replacing our old Electrolux canister vacuum, which is 8 years old and doesn’t seem to have the suction it used to. Has anyone tried one of the cordless Dyson vacuums or the similar-style (but cheaper) Shark equivalents? I need something that can handle both hardwood and carpet in a house with two people, no kids, and a cat. Lightweight would be great for the stairs.
HSAL
I’ve got the Dyson V6 Motorhead, but I think there’s a V7 now that’s basically the same thing. Two adults, a toddler, two babies, and a cat. We got it last year for quick cleanups under the kitchen table and in the mudroom/laundry room, but I’ve recently started using it on our carpet too and been really happy with it. No experience with stairs but it’s very lightweight.
Anon
My Dyson stick vacuum is great but I don’t think it replaces a conventional vacuum for carpet. I would till buy one, but keep your old vacuum around and give it a tune-up. It may only need something minor, like a new belt or gasket.
anon a mouse
Depending on how attached you are to your electrolux, it might be easier to just repair it. That said, I love my Miele canister. Lightweight and easy to maneuver over three floors with different coverings (hardwood, rugs and carpet).
Seafinch
I bought the cheapest cordless Dyson and love it. We move all the time but I used it exclusively on a four bedroom carpeted house, and also the carpeted family room and it was fine. It is equally great on hardwood. We have virtually no carpet now but the battery lasts enough to do the entire 2000 sq foot house including many area rugs (like the filthy one under the dining table). I will never not own a Dyson now.
anon0321
As a xmas gift to myself & my husband (yes, we are lame) I bought a cordless bissell that was highly ranked on consumer reports ($150 so a lot less than most, no bells and whistles like a hand attachment, but a 40 min battery time– which is longer than most). I LOVE IT! We use it daily and it is just so awesome not to have to deal with plugs and cords. We have mostly wood floors and no pets (although a small human that makes a mess), so ymmv, but I’m so happy I finally bought it after wanting one for about 6 years.
anon0321
This is the CS article: https://www.consumerreports.org/stick-vacuums/best-cordless-stick-vacuums/
We bought the Bissell Air Ram 1984
Anon
I am really intrigued by this but it looks like it doesn’t come with any attachments like small brushes, is that true?
anon0321
No attachments, but I thought that was an ok trade off for the lower price and longer battery life.
Anon
Get a roomba get a roomba get a roomba
Not to repeat myself, but get a roomba
Anon
I’m worried that it won’t have strong enough suction (the Electrolux is struggling to get cat hair out of the carpet with 2-3 passes). How’s the Roomba suction?
Anon
I have two cats, one long hair and one short hair, and my roomba does a better job with the cat hair than my every other week cleaning ladies do with their Miele canister vac. It is no problem at all. The nice thing about a roomba is that you can program it to run so you don’t have to haul out the vacuum. Mine runs every day.
Anonymous
It might just need cleaning.
Anonymous
I would try replacing the belt before replacing the whole vacuum. When the belt on my Oreck gets stretched out, it doesn’t pick stuff up as well as usual.
Owl Lover
I bought the Dyson V8 animal stick vacuum for christmas. It has saved my life. Works fine for my small space as a regular vacuum and boy is it worth every penny for getting cat hair off the stairs. If you have limited carpets, a small home, or only clean 1-2 rooms at a time it is phenomenal. it will die if you go too long at once.
And the attachments make it an all in one hand vacuum.
nuqotw
I’m thinking of splurging on a theory good wool classic dress. If you have one, do you like it? Would you buy it again?
Anokha
I had one (that sadly no longer fits) and I lived in it. So recommend!
LawyrChk
I had one and loved it. It stood up to 4+ years of weekly wear until the back seam eventually disintegrated. Only slight issue I found was that the slit went high in the back on mine (try it on and look for that to confirm it’s okay walking, taking stairs, etc).
Small Firm IP Litigator
Yup! I have one in blue that I love. With the dusty rose color, I found the liner showed through, so I returned it. I’d also consider the power wool dress – have that in burgundy and also love. FYI-I found I wore a size smaller in the power wool dress than the good wool dress.
NYCer
I have an older version of this dress (neckline was slightly different) in 5 colors. I wear them all the time.
Sweater Conundrums
Have we talked about styling sweaters? My office is business casual (leaning casual) so sweaters of all kinds are usually a good fit during the winter, but for some reason I’m having trouble styling them this year. In the past I’ve done a sweater with trouser pants and a pashmina, but that feels a bit formal/dated. What do you use for a third piece with sweaters? Also, if you wear sweaters with skirts, do you tuck or not? Most of my skirts are a-line or shift style rather than pencil style and I think that makes it harder sometimes.
Anonymous
I prefer a button down under basic sweaters. I think it is a pretty classic look.
Sweater Conundrums
I love this look but I’ve never been able to pull it off! Things just don’t line up right and I always have buttons showing through the sweater. I read a suggestion to wear a tank over the button down and under the sweater, but then I felt really constricted and too warm for my office. My thicker cable knit sweaters don’t seem to look right with the button down. Do you have any tips?
9:48 Anon
I have certain sweaters that work better for this than others. My favorite are the BR silk blend ones, sometimes a size up depending how they’re fitting when I buy. They stretch really nicely TBH, I just kind of get over it and don’t care if you can see a bit of a line from my shirt underneath. Button downs without pockets help. IME, when you first put it on, it’ll be kind of rough, but then after you wear it for a bit, things straighten out (especially in the sleeves).
Link to BR sweaters that work well for this: https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=389993092&cid=77996&pcid=5032
The detailing on the back is new this year. It isn’t my favorite, but I still bought a couple. I find it out of sight, out of mind, so it doesn’t bother me.
givemyregards
Agree with 9:48 Anon, and I also wear tight stretch button downs under sweaters and have two from BR exclusively for this purpose. They are technically the right size, but fit the way women tend to wear button downs on TV – too fitted for my workplace. They minimizes the lines under the sweater, don’t move around as much, and as a bonus I only have to iron the collar and cuffs.
turtleneck and skinnies
This is what I do too. Tight stretchy button downs that I’d never wear on their own are perfect under sweaters.
Anon
Long necklaces
cat socks
My third piece with sweaters is usually a necklace. Or if the neckline allows, a scarf.
Maudie Atkinson
When I’m looking for a third piece with sweaters I often turn to silk scarves or a statement necklace. Depending on the weather, I might layer a blouse underneath.
Also, I would only do a sort of french tuck with the sweater, which probably isn’t the look you’re going for with skirts. I’d say you might be better with a blouse tucked in and then if you need a third piece, you could wear the sweater over your shoulders or do something else entirely.
emeralds
My winter uniform is skinny pants + sweater. My third pieces rotate between scarves (plaid or textured monochrome this year, my pashminas are taking a year off); an interesting necklace; or a collared short-sleeve shirt (usually with an interesting print) under the sweater.
I will say that my sweaters skew pretty heavily towards the current trends for being boxy and oversized, since that’s what I like. Anna Friel as Marcella Backland would be a decent visual reference. For me, that keeps everything feeling updated–I wear my fitted sweaters, like my J. Crew Tippi, a lot less frequently.
I will wear sweaters with skirts occasionally, but this isn’t really a go-to look for me since I hate wearing tights. When I do go skirt + sweater, I always tuck. And I’m more likely to reach for the fitted sweaters here.
pugsnbourbon
This is also my winter uniform, except I’m wearing my dinosaur button-down today.
Anonia
Where did you find a dinosaur button down? I would love that!
CaveWoman
The hard part isn’t hunting down a dinosaur, it’s preparing the hide. :)
Anon
Ditto!
pugsnbourbon
I found it at a museum store. It’s actually a men’s slim-fit shirt and the dino print is very subtle.
Anonymous
swap out your trousers for the occasional dark denim or black jeans plus add a few interesting necklaces and patterned scarves into the rotation and it will go a long way to freshening up your wardrobe.
i also tuck sweaters into skirts like 70% of the time but it really depends on the specific sweater and skirt.
anon
My third piece is usually a blouse layered underneath, a cute necklace or a blazer on top.
For button downs, I find that the Loft utility shirts work really well for layering under sweaters. They’re softer and thinner than a typical buttoned shirt; therefore, no weird bunching. I really like these underneath more tailored sweaters. (My preferred silhouette; the slouchy styles look SO BAD on me.)
Anon
Love the early post time!
I want to preface this post by saying that I fully recognize this is not a big issue in the grand scheme of things, I live a very privileged life, etc. That said… it is driving me insane.
I take a very low dose of sertraline (Zoloft). I’ve been taking it for several years. I have no doubt that it saved my life. I used to cry every day, for hours. I couldn’t focus at work. I just was not a functional person. I am so grateful it has helped me.
But I have steadily gained ten pounds on it while changing nothing about my diet. I was warned this was one of the side effects, but I was like, oh, that won’t happen to me; I eat well and work out! If anything, I eat better now and work out more than I did five years ago. I track my calories and eat 1600-1700 a day, though I do indulge on weekends. I have maybe a glass of wine a week. I exercise 6 days a week, doing a mix of spinning, running, weights, HIIT, and yoga (because I love it and it makes me feel good—I recognize it won’t make me lose weight).
The weight does not budge. I am fairly short, so I have what feels like a giant belly protruding over the top of my pants and a huge butt that makes it hard to fit into pants. There’s just nowhere for the extra weight to go.
I cannot imagine cutting any more calories and being able to get through the day. I might be able to if I stopped exercising, but exercise is invaluable for my mental health…
I just miss being THIN. It feels like my body has betrayed me. I am not technically overweight, but I’m a few pounds away. My doctors do not seem concerned and said I should accept the side effects of the meds since they have helped me in so many other ways.
I feel like I’m at my wit’s end. How much more tracking and gym going can I do? I guess this is where body acceptance comes in?
Anon
Have you had your thyroid checked? Your metabolism may be underactive (as a result of the meds or otherwise) and taking thyroid hormone could help a lot.
Anonymous
Yup. Also you’re older now. Might not be the drugs.
anon0321
It might just be age… I know, sucks.
BUT- I generally have had success upping proteins and lowering carbs. You don’t mention what your food makeup is, but this might help.
getting there
Hey. I’m short, too. Coming up on 40. 3 kids. 20 mgs/day of an SSRI. I too have a belly and a butt that makes it hard to fit into pants so I… buy new pants. Buy for now. Keep working at the weight. Talk with your psychiatrist or GP or whomever prescribes your meds about the weight gain. Maybe your meds can be adjusted. Maybe not. Maybe the 10 lbs are here to stay. Maybe they’ll go. Who cares. Buy pants that fit. For YOU. You need to be able to put on pants in the morning and think, yeah! Not, ugh. Think: Yeah! Ready to face the world (and work out, and work, and eat, and volunteer, and laugh, and…) You’ll be ok!
JB
This advice rocks
I need a new name
You could talk to your doc about switching to or also taking buproprion (Wellbutrin). It doesn’t have a side effect of gaining weight, and some people even lose on it. I was on a low dose of both and it did a good job of helping both my depression and anxiety.
That said, I’d rather be un-depressed and fat than depressed and skinny, but I’ve been various degrees of overweight my whole life so I guess I’m used to it.
Anon
Buy clothes that fit. Of course a few pounds are going to feel like a bigger deal if you’re wearing old, tight pants. Your mental health is worth more than one pant size down. Please don’t starve yourself – there is no evidence that dieting works and you will just make yourself miserable.
Betterandbetter
I hear you that it is rough to feel like you are doing everything right and still not getting the results you want. Body acceptance is great, but I think a lot of adulthood and aging is mourning old identities so you can really appreciate the new ones. Right now it seems like you are someone who is happy, except for this dissatisfaction, that works really hard to take care of herself and do things that make her feel healthy and feel good. That’s pretty awesome! Seems like it’s a lot more rewarding than being the thinner person who had life threatening mental health but I can also understand missing the thinner identity even in this context. Actively letting go of that identity may help.
That being said…if it really bugs you that much…it is possible to wean off of antidepressants without remission especially if you are doing all of the other self care that you are doing and it’s also possible to try another one. I lost weight on my antidepressant- but it’s not an SSRI. I was in a similar position to you before I started medication and would think very long and hard about rocking the boat but it is possible to change.
Anon
I would ask your doc about remission rates before you go down the path of weaning off. I did (out of curiosity) and was shocked. Once you’ve had one episode of depression the remission rate if you are not on meds is insanely high…like 70%? (Ask! That could be wrong by 20%.) And I want to say it was 90% if you’ve had two episodes of depression.
Also, ask your doc about trying a different medication. There may be something that works just as well for you but doesn’t have weight gain as a side effect, or doesn’t cause weight gain for you.
anon
How is your diet? Could it be bloating? “Giant protruding belly” rang a bell for me. I’m also short, and if I eat the wrong things, all the sudden I go from being thin to having a belly that’ll hang over my pants. For the longest time I had the same thoughts you did– am I gaining weight, why can’t I seem to diet or exercise it away, my diet didn’t change…. turns out that I was just always somewhat (or a lot) bloated. Didn’t matter if I had exercised or not eaten much- I’d still expand like a balloon. I think that my body’s reactions to certain foods has just changed since I got older. If it is just good old fashioned weight gain, that may just be age :( 2 lbs/year isn’t that dramatic, although I know that 10 lbs total seems like more on a smaller frame.
Rainbow Hair
If I’m reading this right, over several years, you gained 10 lbs? Like, 2 lbs a year? That’s really really not much. If this is what you weigh eating healthy and exercising a LOT, maybe this is what you’re supposed to weigh, like where your healthy body wants to be? Think about the difference between say 25 and 35… all the ways your body changes and matures from a just-adult body to an adult-adult body. I think it’s worth working on ways to treat your amazing, strong, healthy, overcoming-depression body kindly, and it’s worth buying new clothes that make you feel great.
I like what Betterandbetter is saying about aging and mourning old identities and learning to love new ones. I’m (finally) getting out of the “but you’re so YOUNG” phase of my professional life, looks-wise (this is not a brag, this is zits and not being taken seriously) and there’s this surprising side like “wait, shoot, if I’m not The Young One, who am I?!”
Anon
My sister went through what you’re describing and had some blood work done. She was basically in early menopause – her hormones were so low that she qualified as menopausal even though she hadn’t fully gone through “the change” yet. She started hormone replacement and lost some of the weight easily. The rest stayed on. Her doctor also advised her that putting on a few pounds as you age is basically inevitable. Yes, you see skinny, fit older women. But they are the exception, not the rule. Older women tend to have more weight in their midsections.
FWTFL
Yes to body acceptance but if it is really bothering you and impacting your well-being, I lost 10-15 pounds using a combination of intermittent fasting, carb cycling and tracking macros. I used the Faster Way to Fat Loss program. I know that FWTFL is not appealing to some folks because there is a MLM aspect to it but I ignore all that and just follow the program. There is probably resources on Reddit for intermittent fasting/carb-cycling. I was extremely skeptical but the weight dropped quickly, specifically from my waist.
Lobbyist
I have lost 10 lbs and kept it off by joining StrongerU. Your coach gives you the amount of fats, protein, and carbs you eat each day and you pick the food you want within that. You send in reports each week. Its a good combination of flexibility and accountability. Pricey but worth it.
Anonymous
This is exactly where body acceptance comes in… I am not plus sized (but I’m close!), but I follow a couple plus-sized insta ladies because I like their philosophies and approach to fashion. I like Girl with Curves and 12ishstyle, check ’em out for a different perspetive. I also have a huge butt. Little kids sometimes tell me how big it is. No joke, I think it is one of my best features. It gets a lot of attention *ahem* from my husband. Body love FTW!
Anon
I understand your concern. I gradually gained about 7 lbs in my 40’s and was not wearing it well on a square jaw line. The only thing that worked for me was getting into running. 18-22 slow miles a week did the trick.
Ellen
That or a loyal boyfriend can make all the difference. I have worked harder then ever to stay svelte ever since I dumped my ex, but I could always count on loosing 300 calories a night with him waking me up for an hour of his form of horizontal hora, and even tho I did NOT like being woken up for that, I did keep the pounds off with those evening exercises! I suppose men are good for at least 1 thing, and that is it! YAY!!!
Anonymous
Not on a SSRI, but I gained about 10 pounds over a few years. I think it was a combo of age and telling myself “I eat healthy! I don’t know why I’m gaining weight!” Your situation might be different, but you mentioned that you indulge on weekends. Not sure what that means to you, but I know what it meant to me. That is what I had to get under control to lose the weight. Unfortunately, I could not take weekends off of taking care of my health. :)
A little behind the curve...
So I’m in the Midwest where we get trends about 2 years behind the coasts. I read in NYTimes today that everyone in NY is wearing SALT straps with their purses – is this a thing? Do you have one? Is this a fun or helpful bandwagon to join? Discuss…
Manhattanite
No. Not in my world (42 yr old, biglaw, kids, UWS).
BabyAssociate
I have no idea what that is, so I guess I’m behind the trends too.
Maudie Atkinson
I similarly had no idea what it was, here in the SEUS, but now that I’ve searched and seen it, I want one!
Anon
I’m also in the Midwest and had to look this up, but yeesh. It looks like something we wore in college almost 20 years ago. Not cute.
Cat
I’ve seen some of these, though they’re not my personal style (I’m much more sleek/classic than funky/colorful; prefer a slim leather strap on crossbody styles).
I just looked up the article you mentioned. Frankly, the thought of being pegged as a Park Slope Mom is more than enough to dissuade me from sampling this trend.
Idea
Yeah at first I was like Oh, what ARE they doing? And then I realized, I’ll find out soon enough and probably won’t care.
BabyAssociate
Ok found the article: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/16/style/clogs-no-6-moms.html. I definitely do not think I am the clogs/strap target demographic. I’ll pass on this trend.
givemyregards
Also I’m just irritated by this line: In the 1950s, women across the country wore practical, button-down housedresses with tight waists and deep pockets
Yes, wearing a button-down dress with a tiny waist (and the associated necessary undergarments) is incredibly practical. *eye roll*
Anonymous
Ooh, I want those clog boots for driving and for after ballet and yoga class. Way cuter than the worn-out Danskos I need to replace.
CorporateInCarhartt
I didn’t know what this was, but after searching, I definitely have some guitar straps that could pass as one of these! That’s what they look like to me.
Rainbow Hair
I had the same thought! I would like it for my fantasy where I’m a cool mom who goes to festivals and like, looks effortless hanging out in Joshua Tree with platform sandals, but … not in my real life, unfortch.
Anonymous
Ugh, no way. My actual guitar strap isn’t even as gaudy as those straps.
Never too many shoes...
One of them looks exactly like my 1990s guitar strap. Shudder.
busybee
I am in a large NE city and have never seen anyone wearing these (I had to look them up). They look appropriate for a college hipster maybe, but I would not consider these professional in any way.
C2
Yuck, those are obnoxious. I’m also in the midwest, and I keep up with trends by following a few NYC and NE bloggers. None of them (chic women who aren’t FASHUN, some skew preppy) are wearing that now, nor do I think they would ever would. Find and follow some bloggers who’s style is similar to yours and you can rest easy.
Housecounsel
I never heard of these before the NYT article. Well. They haven’t hit the midwest suburbs yet, I guess. We are still in the Lululemon pants and Uggs ridiculed. I mean, that is exactly what I wore to drop off my kid at school and stop at Starbucks this morning.
Anonymous
Out of curiosity, who do you follow?
NOT! Behind the Curve
Thanks for all the input!
Sarabeth
Never heard of this, but No. 6 clogs have been the thing for a few years in my circle. Heals are too high for me, though.
anon.
This shows the diversity of readers here, because I wear my clogs almost every day in winter and kinda love the little strap.
Maudie Atkinson
I’m with you, anon.
Anon
West coast here (Bay Area). The no 6 clogs are a thing here, but also carrying a beat up natural colored leather tote – no gaudy strap – and wearing one of those lightweight down Uniqlo style jackets with either jeans or athleisure. That’s the look. Not for me because I have a job. But that’s basically every wealthy mom in Berkeley.
Senior Attorney
OMG I am about the furthest thing from a Park Slope mom in every way (age, geography) and I was unaware of any of this. And I don’t quite know whether to laugh or be ragey about it.
*thinking*
I think I’ll laugh at all the moms being matchy-matchy.
31 and aging
Looking for skincare recs. I’m 31 and I’m just starting to notice the beginning of lines on my face- a forehead one and the “11”s between my eyebrows. They’re very faint but I’d like to stop them in their tracks asap. Are there products or regimes that you’d recommend? I recently had a baby (so sleep-deprived), drink a lot of water (even moreso with nursing), and stay out of the sun and use sunscreen. I apply skincare products daily that are mostly hydrating in nature and use an eye cream (Lush Enchanted Eye). I would rather stay away from interventions like Botox. I also used Retin-A a few years ago when I had some acne issues flare up but my skin did not handle it well, even after 3 months using it every few days at the lowest concentration, which is disappointing since I’d assume that’s the Holy Grail of non-injection wrinkle prevention. Any input appreciated!
anon0321
People I know swear by Hyaluronic Acid (they have one at TJs that people love). I am acne prone so have been scarred to give it a shot, but finally in my mid 30s my acne is toning down & my lines & random sun spots are ramping up, so might just give it a shot to see how it goes. I’ve also never been a fan of Retin A (although I did do 2 courses of Accutane).
I’m from Los Angeles and there are super fancy peels and laser treatments you can do too– but I’m not quite there yet– but just putting it out there in case you want to research it.
Anonymous
Do you recommend any specific products for sun spots, besides using sunscreen as a preventive measure? I’m in my late 30s and sun spots have definitely become more prominent!
Anonymous
There are some mild bleaching creams you can use for sun spots. Look for hydroquinone as an active ingredient.
Anon
Nadinola has the highest % I have found otc. It works best over an acid toner.
Anon
Vitamin C serum
S
Have you tried Curology? They’ll probably include a very low dose of a retinoid and some Vitamin C, and maybe one other proven active. And are you using any chemical exfoliants, like an AHA? They help with cell turnover and overall brightening. Beyond that, up your moisturizing game, by maybe layering a serum under your regular cream moisturizer.
Anon
+1 to curology. You can spend hundreds buying “retinol” or you can pay $25/month for actual prescription tretinoin. It was a no brainer for me. My curology also includes azelaic acid for redness/inflammation, which you may not need, but the nice thing is that the curology is tailored to you.
Anonymous
+1000
Anonymous
Do you do any exfoliating? If affordable go to the derm and ask for suggestions.
If not I would add it a retinol, doesn’t have to be prescription strength, I like the Ordinary retinol serum. Try to add only one product at a time so your skin doesn’t freak
Elle
Don’t take retinol while nursing. That said, it really is the best. I’m waiting until after I finish nurisng to start back up. I’ll probably do Differin (over the counter) first and build up a tolerance to that before going back to my derm for a prescription strength.
Things you could try now if you don’t already: Vitamin C serum. Sunglasses when outside so you don’t squint.
Silk pillow case.
Elle
And by “take” I mean “use” :)
Eve Kendall
I highly recommend Paula’s Choice products. The site can be overwhelming at first because there are so many products, but the basic regime is to use a cleanser, a chemical exfoliant, a sunscreen, and a nighttime moisturizer without sunscreen. From there, you can consider adding a toner (her toners are more like serums in liquid form), a face serum, booster, treatment product, etc.
I would recommend adding an exfoliant and a retinol serum to your existing routine. If the retinol irritates your skin, try using an antioxidant serum without retinol. It sounds like your skin is on the sensitive side, so you might want to check out the products in the Paula’s Choice Calm line, as well as the Resist line for anti-aging. Avoid using products with fragrance. You might want to reconsider the Lush product for this reason- often Lush products are fragranced with natural essential oils, but these can still irritate skin.
Another online dating question
Trying again after my post was stuck in moderation all afternoon yesterday…
How much texting is too much after a first date? The date was ok, not great, but I’m trying to give people the benefit of the doubt and agreed to a second date next week. My issue is that he’s been texting pretty consistently since the first date – asking how my day is going, what I’m working on, and sending me photos from his vacation. I try to respond to most of the texts because I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t really have the time nor the interest to devote to a running text conversation with a stranger at this point. (I recognize that I’d feel differently if I’d felt better about the date). I’m honestly finding it kind of a turn-off. Am I totally off the mark here?
Anon
It sort of is a turn off. I recently had a guy who did this. He updated me throughout the day on what he was doing. You can just tell him you’re at work and won’t be checking your phone often. See if that tempers his texts. But if not, and you’re not feeling it, then just tell him you don’t think it’ll work and wish him luck in finding someone else.
Anon
That’s unfortunate that no one told him that less is more for texting in the beginning stages of a relationship. And perhaps in any stage of a relationship. I might reply: Vacation looks great! Super busy here. TTYS
Anon
And then not respond for a long while.
AZCPA
Listening to your gut isn’t off the mark. So it you feel it is too much for you, then it IS too much. That being said, have you said anything to him? Men aren’t mind readers. He could certainly think this is what is expected of him but be relieved if he knew he didn’t have to.
So maybe tell him that you are looking forward to the date but aren’t big on texting throughout the week and see what happens.
Anonymous
+1 People aren’t mind readers. Tell him you are busy and won’t be able to respond to texts, but look forward to hearing about his vacation when he gets back.
So many women here and IRL gripe about a problem with a partner or date but haven’t had a discussion or told theo other person it’s a problem! We want men to be honest with us about what they want, and we need to do the same.
Anon
I don’t think you should go out with him again. For me, if I like a guy and there’s a connection, that kind of texting is GOOD, not a turn off.
January
I had this issue many times, and I never found a good solution to it. A guy who wanted to text a lot after a date or two was usually kind of put out if I suggested less contact. That said, maybe just try responding less? He will probably reach out less frequently if he is not getting a response as often.
Insurance
Talk to me about homeowners insurance. What we are looking for is coverage for a catastrophic event (fire or damages >$25k) – we don’t need coverage for small stuff. FWIW, we bought the house cash (no mortgage),and cash flow to cover anything non-catastrophic is not a problem. It seems most insurance providers are not offering this. Does anyone have experience with this?
Anon
You just have to suck it up and buy regular homeowners insurance. It’s not that big a deal. It’s pretty common for people to pay all minor expenses out of pocket, even if they have insurance, because they don’t want their premiums to go up. Homeowners insurance is really intended for the catastrophic events, like a fire or tornado that destroys the house.
mascot
+1. Look for policies with high deductibles. But, your homeowner’s policy can also be a tool to add other coverage like jewelry riders, discounts on auto insurance, attachment for an umbrella policy. I’ve even seen homeowner’s policies offer coverage for a defamation suit.
And, in the event of a catastrophe, your homeowner’s policy may not even kick in until damage reaches a certain amount. We live in a coastal area and a lot of people were unpleasantly surprised after hurricanes to learn that “named storms” and wind deductibles were set at much higher limits (percentage of home’s value) than their standard perils deductible of $5000 or whatever.
Anon
Yeah just get high deductibles and minimal contents coverage, and your policy basically becomes the old-style Fire policy, but covers more hazards, like maybe a tree falling on your house.
Anonymous
No experience. I don’t know what your house is worth, but I would have to say that in the MCOL and LCOL areas I’ve lived (with homes just under $300k), typical insurance with a $1000 deductible is pretty affordable. My hunch is that this may not be offered because folks aren’t needing a way to get homeowners’ insurance significantly cheaper (which is the case with health or car insurance). I’d say to just look for the highest deductible you can, which is probably still going to be lower than $25k. Also, even though you don’t have a mortgage, I’m sure mortgage institutions would never allow this kind of insurance. Since the vast majority of homes are subject to a mortgage, it might not make a lot of sense for insurers to offer this.
anon0321
Also want to add that most damage is going to hover around 25k- we sprung a hot water leak in our bathroom. Just to redo that very small room, the insurance company paid us out $15k— and I felt like that was fairly minor.
Agree, most smaller claims are paid out of pocket because insurances will bump you off the policy for claims anyhow.
anon a mouse
Just up your deductible to $10K or even $25K. You want full coverage of your stuff, you just don’t expect to make claims unless something truly catastrophic happens.
Do you have a separate umbrella liability policy? HO insurance can also provide some liability coverage, say if someone falls down your stairs and is seriously injured.
Sarabeth
You just want homeowners insurance with a high deductible. This should not be a problem to find.
Anon
I commented above about high deductibles and minimal contents coverage turning a homeowners policy into a fire policy. But i has one more thought – you want the homeonwners policy for the liability coverage it comes with. Someone slips and falls in front of your house and claims it was due to your negligence in maintaining your front yard, you’re covered, and they will provide defense for you. This is way better than the old fire only policies.
The reason you can’t find the old fashioned catastrophic property only policy is largely because of filing requirements. Insurers have to file the policies they plan to offer, state by state, and it’s a pain to maintain filings for products that have few takers. It’s also hard for insurers to find reinsurance for seldom sold products. So that’s why everyone defaults to the standard homeowners form. But it really is better coverage. Make sure you’re getting replacement cost coverage. I know you don’t plan to have claims, but if something catastrophic were to happen, you don’t want to be in a position of being nickled and dimed about depreciated value vs replacement cost.
Kale
The skin at the tip of one of my thumbs keeps peeling/cracking/splitting. Besides moisturizing it a lot, and maybe texting less, does anyone have any suggestions? It’s more bothersome than painful, so I’d rather not go to a derm for this.
Anon
Trim off any skin that sticks out and use O’Keefe’s working hands. You could also paint it with liquid bandage if it still won’t stop peeling.
Been There
YES to O’Keefe’s Working Hands. That stuff is a miracle for me. My boyfriend also swears by it, and he has a job where he has to wash his hands a million times per day. I’ve seen him come in with lots of little cuts on his hands from the dry air and washing so frequently, and they’re all healed up within a couple of days of religious use of Working Hands.
Anonymous
Sally Hansen’s Cuticle Massage Cream from the drug store.
anon
Also if you regularly get manicures or paint your nails, consider taking a break for awhile or insisting on acetone free polish remover. This happened to me when I got on a streak of getting regular gel manicures and the acetone dried my fingers out so badly that one thumb kept splitting in the same spot. When I stopped the manicures, the split healed and has not come back. I am also an obsessive hand washer and always battle dry hands and my knuckles splitting in the winter, but Gold Bond lotion is a lifesaver for this.
Valentino
I’m dying to purchase a pair of Valentino rockstud flats but whooo boy they are expensive! Shoes are wear I splurge but I’ve never splurged that much. Has anyone ever worn them and can review comfort, durability, etc? I’m interested in both the ones that have studs around the rim as well as the quilted looking ones.
Cat
If you’re looking for a real investment piece for the money, I’d skip Rockstuds. They peaked in popularity a few years ago.
Anonymous
Everyone has knocked them off, so I agree that you are past Rockstud peak. It’s like when I saw Juicy tracksuits in places I had to take puddle jumpers to (like where they have adults move to the front of the plane to balance the load out).
Classic to me is like Vara/Varina. Or even Sarah Flint.
Valentino
Vara/Varina looks frumpy to me so to each their own I guess
BabyAssociate
+1 Valentino, I’m with you here. I know they’re recommended all the time, but I think the Vara/Varina are awfully frumpy and the Rockstuds are fun. I second Anon 11:14’s advice, check the Real Real. I’ve had great luck there.
Never too many shoes...
I totally agree. My 75 year old mother loves Ferragamo shoes and that is all that I think of when I see them.
Anon
+1000 I saw someone wearing them the other day my first thought was “those are so 3 years ago”….
Valentino
I really don’t care what is “so 3 years ago” though. I like them so that’s enough for me. I was just asking about comfort and durability.
Cat
For comfort, I’ve never heard anyone complain about them, but I only know people who have variations on the high-heel style. Flats are often trickier to fit well because they need to accommodate a wider range of motion in your feet. Why not order a few sizes to try from somewhere that offers free return shipping?
I can’t speak to durability as the handful of wearers I know used them as “non walking” shoes (i.e. taking an Uber to a trendy restaurant or event), so of course they still looked nice after 1-2 years of let’s say 1x or 2x-monthly wear. But in general, pointed toe flats are hard to keep looking good — it’s so easy to stub the tip, even if you add the little protective cap underneath.
Anonymous
They’re classic in the way that the Chanel quilted bag is a classic. Everyone knocks off.
I think it depends on your foot shape and happily there’s a range of heel height options. Try on to see if they work for your foot.
Anon
I’ve tried on the heeled non-boot rockstuds and they were SO COMFORTABLE. I have that annoying wide in the front, narrow in the back food and they were awesome. Granted I didn’t go walk a mile in them or anything.
NOLA
I saw someone wearing a pair (heels) the other night at dinner and thought that they looked like real Rockstuds, but then pondered how hard it is to tell when there are so many knock offs.
Flats Only
You can find them cheaper on Ebay. I have had good luck buying designer shoes on Ebay that someone either bought and didn’t wear at all, or only wore once or twice.
Anonymous
Go to the store and get your size then buy on-line at The Real Real for Fashionphile for 1/2 the price.
Anon
I have tried them on. I found them narrow and slightly short in the toe. Most pointy toes are a little longer to allow room for normal toes. But not these. Definitely try them on in person.
Also, for whatever reason, I felt like they gave me the little-foot-big-ankles look, which I don’t usually experience. I think it is because they are so sleek.
If you have very thin, narrow feet and lithe ankles they might work.
Anon
Also, I know you’re not worried about trends, but I tried them on way, way longer than three years ago.
LAnon
I have a pair of rockstuds with a low heel. I bought them from the RealReal after realizing my pair of knockoffs was in steady rotation in my wardrobe. They are quite comfortable and I haven’t had any issues with durability – I’ve had them only around 6 months; I am hard on my shoes. They are not “just wear in the car to dinner” shoes for me and I will wear them for full working days with a fair amount of walking (both inside and out).
The big difference I notice between the real shoes and my knockoffs is the quality of the studs. I managed to knock a couple studs off the knockoff on the inner edge. The Valentino ones seem much more well-attached and unlikely to come off.
You should go for it! And check out the RealReal – all the trend snobs are putting their rockstuds up there cheap! …more for us :)
Anon
Thank you LAnon, this was the exactly the type of feedback I was looking for!
Anon
To the point people have made about trends – I had a nearly exactly the same pair of Nine West heels in 2005 (that’s when I started working and they were in heavy rotation my first few years so I’m confident on the date and brand). I didn’t get why they were suddenly trendy a few years ago just because there was a higher end label (and 2005-2008 me was all about the buy-one, get-one sales Nine West always had – no awareness of what pricier brands were doing). Trends all circle back even if in slightly different variations. If you like them anyway go for it. Maybe see if Nine West has knocked these off again for an affordable option if you’re unsure.
Anonymous
I have an aging skincare request, too. Is there anything (non-surgical) I can do for my neck and jawline? I feel like I’m starting to get jowls. I’m also not loving the lines on my neck. Do any of those firming lotions actually work? Is there some other non-invasive treatment I can get for this? Thanks!
S
Kybella for jowls, I think; it’s an injection but non-surgical. Chemical peels, lasers, microneedling – all create new collagen. All ought to be professionally administered.
Anon
Not helpful, but i had to accept the jowls. My great-grandmother, my grandfather, my mother…the genes are strong on this for me
Cleaners shrunk my suit
The cleaners shrunk my wool suit. I wear them monthly, so it took a while to notice that that wasn’t a shadow, it was the lining that now was longer than the pants they line. Even the arms of the suit are tight (and my arms are skinny bordering on outright scrawny).
This is not fixable, right? I rehemmed the pants to make them longer but they feel tight (I thought it was xmas pounds, but the tight arms now make me think the whole suit is terminal and I ought to cut my losses).
S
A trick that works for sweaters is to saturate the wool in conditioner (yes, like the kind for your hair), gently stretch it, and then rinse it out. When woolens shrink it’s because the fibers have actually contracted so there’s less space between them, and conditioner helps them relax and slide apart again, just like it does for your hair. Doesn’t hurt to try, right?
oil in houston
I did that on a sweater and it took a few tries but it really helped
Anon
I think the suit is toast sorry to say. Definitely let the dry cleaner know and don’t go there again.
MagicUnicorn
Any opinions on the Everlane Day Glove flats and how they fit size-wise? I am in need of a new pair of flats and the sale price is very tempting today.
CHL
I don’t have the Day Glove but I have the Day Heel and it’s super cute but SO SMALL! Like I sized up a full size and I’m still thinking I should have done 1.5 sizes. Look at the reviews and if it seems like that might be the case, believe it!
Anon
I have the v-neck ponte dress linked in this post and it’s amazing. And it’s actually 60% off, so it’s $41.40. I actually ordered back-ups of last night when I saw the sale – that’s how much I love it.
Chris
Thanks, I just ordered it!
pugsnbourbon
Oh man, I don’t need another sleeved black dress … but I think I DO need that green.
Anonymous
So I just started job searching and certain people in my network have gone ABOVE and BEYOND to assist me, putting me in touch with several of their contacts, asking for updates on where I’m applying so they can see who they know there, one even sent an unprompted glowing (but credible) letter of recommendation to the practice manager at a major firm I’m interested. I should send thank you notes when I land somewhere right? I have never experienced this kind of help, and I am so touched.
Anon
You could do a testimonial on linked in for them, if they are in any way client facing. It can really help them. This would be in addition to the thank you note (which can be an email)
Anonimoose
Looking for some help from the doctors/PAs/nurses on this board, or other people who struggle with mental disorders. I have been medicated for almost 10 years now for anxiety/OCD. At the beginning I was using my Paxil daily and then Xanax as needed. I’ve gradually weaned myself off the xanax as things have gotten better. However, right now the Paxil isn’t cutting it. I’m in a very stressful time at work and personally and have tried to tough it out. But… well, failing. I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating. My resting heart rate is alarmingly high. It’s like one constant anxiety attack. I tried to make an appointment with my psychiatrist and with my primary care doctor, but the earliest they can get me in is a week for primary care and three weeks for psychiatrist. I am not in any immediate danger, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like that. Can/will urgent care be able to prescribe me something to help or do I just have to wait?
Anonymous
Posting as someone who used to take Xanax, straight GABA is my OTC substitute. You can find it at any Whole Foods or GNC. It’s not supposed to cross the blood brain barrier, but either it’s working elsewhere or my blood brain barrier is letting stuff in that it shouldn’t. Fair warning: I occasionally got paradoxical reactions on Xanax and GABA is just the same for me in that respect as well.
Anonymous
Just FYI, the last time I had a 24/7 anxiety attack (I was literally clenching my teeth all day long and not sleeping), it was a late appearing side effect of the pill. I realize there are other things that could be, but it took my doctors a long time (weeks of this) to even consider hormones, and I felt fine again within a few days of quitting. So you may want to consider any other meds you are taking or talk to a pharmacist; I didn’t realize that even severe side effects can pop up after months of taking the same med.
DoesntBelongHere
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I would definitely call back to both your doctors’ offices and tell them your condition has worsened and you need to see someone as soon as possible. You can also leave a message with your psychiatrist’s voicemail service. Call your local urgent care, too, and ask them if they treat acute mental health concerns. Depending on your area, there are actually some urgent care facilities that specialize in mental health. You need some relief!
Anonymous
I would send this same information to your psychiatrist. I would call this morning and speak to the nurse. If they know you need to be seen on an ‘urgent’ basis, you have a good chance of being seen in the next week. My dad’s a doctor and he keeps a few appointment slots open each day for patients in your situation who can’t wait 3 weeks.
Sorry to hear you’re struggling. Hang in there.
Anon
I second the suggestions to call your doctors’ offices again. Especially your psychiatrist. If s/he has prescribed you Xanax in the past there is probably no problem doing so again until you can get in for an appointment. If you think that would tide you over, ask for that, and to be put on the cancellation list. Also, I would tell them you are on the verge of going to the hospital/ER–that will often get their attention as to how serious the issue has become. I don’t think an urgent care center will give you Xanax but I could be wrong. Various docs have prescribed it for me, but non psychiatrists and psychiatrists with large offices are extremely stingy with it.
Maternity Leave Before 1 Year on the Job
I am about to start a new job. My employer (Fortune 100 company) requires you to be there 1 year before you can be eligible for their very generous paid leave (20 weeks). There’s also short term disability leave (6 or 8 weeks depending on method of delivery) on top of that. Due to a variety of factors (my age, husband’s job, age gap btw kid 1 (just turned 4) and kid to be) I want to have a second child sooner rather than later. If I’m 2-3 months short of the 1 year mark would short term disability cover my leave? Has anyone been successful at getting fully paid leave from their employer before 1 year on the job (assuming that’s your company’s policy)? I’m not pregnant yet but plan to start trying soon.
Anonymous
Just wait three months.
Anon
Seriously, it’s not that hard to wait 3 months before you pull the goalie.
Anon
Seriously. Why are you making life so hard when you can wait a relatively short period of time. You’ll also not have FMLA protection so you job itself will be on the line for an extend absence. Just wait three months. Because you know what’s worse than waiting 3 mths to TTC? An stressed out of work Mom with lapsed health insurance and one income gone.
Anon
I think that your HR materials would answer your question about short term disability.
As for everything else: I wish I had advice, except for not borrowing trouble. It could take you 3 or more months to conceive, and the issue would be moot. If you’ve already signed an offer letter, it’s probably too late to negotiate for leave before you are eligible.
op
It’s true that the timing of TTC may work itself out anyway. I think I just want reassurance/anecdotal evidence that some employers could be flexible. I did consider negotiating for a fully paid leave before the 1 year mark but thought it would be disadvantageous to disclose my intention, as I was not even pregnant yet … I haven’t signed an offer letter yet. Is that something that I should negotiate for?
Anonymous
No!!! You should wait 3 months.
anon
Okay, someone did what you’re asking for at my previous workplace and did not pump the breaks on TTC even though we had a clear one-year period before full maternity leave benefits were available. It was a huge deal. She burned a lot (A. LOT.) of political capital that she did not really have; alienated coworkers because she negotiated special treatment, and then managed the accommodations that she was given very badly (she was allegedly working from home part time, while WFH was not permitted for anyone else; but she didn’t actually do work, because she had no childcare coverage for her three-month-old) (yes, I know plenty of people WFH successfully. she did not.); and burned HR on giving other people similar accommodations because it went so poorly. I’m sure that you would do a better job of being a professional and not ruining it for other people, OP, but the whole thing left a bad taste in people’s mouths and she’s still dealing with some of the repercussions from how terribly it went. It also seriously interrupted her on-ramping; she wasn’t able to start hitting her stride until two full years in, because she missed so much while she was out.
I would wait three months. It’s not that long in the grand scheme of things.
Anon
Don’t wait! I got pregnant on the first try. Most of my friends got pregnant on the first try. Sure it could take that long, but you could also really hurt yourself. I know it seems like such a long time, but in the grand scheme of things having an extra 3 months between your kids isn’t a big deal.
Anon
I think you mean do wait? But I agree. I’m another unicorn who got pregnant the first try. You hear a lot about infertility here, and I think it’s good that people talk about it more openly, but anecdotally, all my close friends got pregnant in <3 months and we were all in our 30s. You have to assume if you stop using protection, you could be pregnant tomorrow (or at least whenever halfway through your next cycle is). If it took you 6+ months to conceive your first, then that's more of a reason not to delay (although even then, anything's possible…). But if you conceived quickly the first time, definitely assume it will happen again.
anon0321
Even if you got pregnant today- if you made it 9 months- your company paid disability would likely take you to the paid bonding 20 week period. Your job may not be protected before you hit 1 year (state laws & company policy really affect this), so it really depends on your group & company and what they will agree to.
Are you in CA or working for a CA company? That can really change things up– we have very specific laws on this.
op
Not in CA – I’m in NYC.
NYNY
If the paid leave follows FMLA, then there is no flexibility on the one-year threshold. NYC does have a law for parental leave that kicks in before FMLA, but I don’t know if it’s paid.
anon0321
NYNY this is incorrect- paid leave does not at all have to overlap with protected leave aka FMLA or the state version (at least in CA, an employer can offer paid leave outside of protected leave if they choose). They are distinct and separate things that can SOMETIMES overlap.
OP- Honestly, if you can post on a local and active mommy group, you’ll probably get way more specific responses since this is so state specific for some states. Would you consider taking unpaid leave? I work for a large employer and I think as long as the manager was ok with it, they would approve it (although they give us more than the state allotment of paid leave automatically on hire).
Anon
I’m HR-adjacent – In my company you do not accrue “length of service” towards vacation and other discretionary PTO eligibility dates during the time you are on leave. Once you come back, everything is trued up back to your start date but if at the time you go out on FMLA/WC/STD you are at 0 days eligibility, you will still be at 0 the whole time on leave even if your anniversary is the day after leave start date.
anon
personally i would wait a bit to start trying. which i know can be hard to do and stressful because you then don’t know how long it will take you to conceive. i moved and started a new job and we waited the 3 months to start trying and then it did take us longer than we would’ve liked to conceive, but in the grand scheme of life the 3 months will not make a difference and i’m glad we waited. you might be able to use vacation to get you to the one year mark. a lot of times short term disability policies also don’t kick in until 1 year
Anonymous
I’ve not dealt with it directly, but IME, completely anecdotally, the bigger the employer, the less likely there is to be wiggle room on those types of things.
Annie
I would just flat out ask before accepting the job.
Anon
Watch the details before counting on disability. I worked somewhere with no paid leave and the company expected employees to use short term disability, which was voluntary and relatively cheap. BUT you had to sign up for it way in advance, because you could only sign up at open enrollment (or hiring date in your case) and if you were pregnant when you signed up, it wouldn’t provide coverage because the pregnancy was a pre-existing condition.
Anonymous
Watch the details before counting on disability. I worked somewhere with no paid leave and the company expected employees to use short term disability, which was voluntary and relatively cheap. BUT you had to sign up for it way in advance, because you could only sign up at open enrollment (or hiring date in your case) and if you were pregnant when you signed up, it wouldn’t provide coverage because the pregnancy was a pre-existing condition.
Anon
Her first child is 4. I get what you’re trying to say here, but she’s already waited 4 years. 3 months really is nothing compared to that. To be clear, she said she is ready to *start* TTC so it’s not that she’s been trying unsuccessfully for years after the birth of her first – if she were already TTC and had been unsuccessful so far, I don’t think anyone would be telling her stop just because of the new job. But it’s just plain stupid to wait for 4 years for whatever reasons, start a brand new job with a 1 year wait for maternity leave and then *immediately* start trying to conceive rather than waiting just a couple of months. It will burn a million bridges…I mean, it’s a free world and she can go for it if she wants, but this is a career advice page and people aren’t wrong to tell her this will be terrible for her career.
anon0321
I didn’t want to mention this because I feel like this would be 100% murphy’s law- want to get pregnant immediately- have to wait years; want to ‘just start trying’ and see where you end up- get pregnant immediately, lol. I also had a hard time getting pregnant with my 2nd (ended up taking 2 painful years and lots of miscarriages) after an immediate conception w/ my 1st. You can only plan so much with birth and while I would be strategic (which for me, I’d be ok w/ 3 months of waiting); I wouldn’t put off ttc indefinitely for work stuff because you just never know when you’ll conceive or how your job stuff will end up down the road. I mean, for all we know, she could have an early labor as well throwing the whole time line off anyhow.
anon0321
Also fwiw to the comment above- if you are working at the type of place where this will burn bridges after almost a year… it’s probably not a friendly, or well managed, place for parents anyway imho.
Phone spam
Ugh. I stupidly accidentally answered a call from a 1800 number about a week ago. I hung up immediately when there was no one on the line, but since that day, I’ve been getting the same call from different 1800 numbers. It’s clearly a scammer call and leaves a VM about how my social security benefits are going to get cut off. Any suggestions for how to block/stop them? It’s a different number every time :(
Anon
NoMoRoBo or similar apps.
Anon
Place yourself on the do not call list and give it at least a month, as call centers are distributed the lists monthly and required to update at that time. IDK if the government shutdown is affecting this. Or, answer and firmly tell them to “place me on your internal do not call list and the national do not call list”. Saying “I’m not interested” or “please stop calling me” have no legal meaning to them. You need to specifically tell them to put you on the DNC.
DCR
In my experience, scammers (as opposed to traditional telemarketers) don’t care about the do not call list. This is not really surprising, if you’re already committing fraud what’s the big deal about violating the do not call law. I think you have to just wait it out – never answer the phone and I’ll eventually give up.
Anon
Do Not Call List is not working due to the shutdown
Horse Crazy
Lol the Do Not Call List hasn’t been working for a looooong time. Definitely not related to the shutdown. I’m on it and I get at least two calls a day.
Aggie
It didn’t work prior to the shutdown! I get five spam calls a week minimum. My blocked numbers list is in the hundreds.
Anon
Don’t answer. Decline the call, it takes one second.
Anonymous
I feel like I’ve been living under a rock- but I think I need/would benefit from a BB or CC cream. I have pale skin with pink undertones, splotchy skin left over from young adult acne and some mild/faded scars. Skin runs oily vs dry.
What brands do you love? Why?
Anonymous
I love the IT cosmetics one. It’s got a great texture for me, provides enough coverage to even me out but doesn’t look like foundation.
Anon
I’m not the OP – I commented below about Dr Jart – but I tried the IT myself and unfortunately their lightest shades have a lot of yellow.
NOLA
I tried it and liked the shade for my skin, but it smells very strongly of citrus (and I’m sensitive to scent) and it bothered my eyes.
January
I love Bare Minerals Complexion Rescue Tinted Hydrating Gel Cream. It is non-oily, doesn’t make me break out, and evens out my skintone generally. I am also fair-skinned with pink undertones, and the lightest shade in that line works well for me in wintertime.
Vicky Austin
Me too, right down to the shade! Love that stuff.
Kk
Go to Sephora, and start getting some samples! They are great about this- explain your situation, and they’ll color match you to a few brands and try one on you in the store. I think the lighting in Sephora is weird, though- so wear one home, try the other samples over the next few days, and dont hesitate to keep going back until you find a sample you like. Don’t forget that brands can have a variety of product types under the CC/BB name – I personally like the ones that are more like a tinted moisturizer or foundaiton, and hate the ones that are white out of the tube and then turn skin color as I rub them in. That said, you might have good luck with the Dr. Jart CC cream.
If I were you, I’d start with Tarte tinted moisturizer – it’s buildable to get coverage, and comes in a variety of undertone/shades. I like that they’re cruelty free, and it’s about $28. If you’re on a drugstore budget (closer to $12-15 a tube), try Ulta- they wont have quite the sample culture and helpfulness among the staff, but you’ll be able to check out a huge variety of brands at all ends of the price spectrum. If you want to go really, really big – people swear by La Mer foundation – it’s $120 a bottle and apparently cures cancer.
NOLA
Ooooh, good to know that Tarte has a tinted moisturizer. MAC has discontinued their BB, which I love. I bought a whole bunch on clearance, but need to be on the lookout for something new. I really like the Tarte concealer and it doesn’t bother my eyes.
Anon
Dr Jart in the gold tube. I have exactly the same skin as you and I LOVE this stuff. Found it through a recommendation on this board after trying, I am not lying, over 20 BB and CC creams trying to find something that worked for my pale pink tinted, not yellow tinted, skin. I also love the texture and the high physical spf. Check it out. I get it at Sephora.
Anon
This is the one. I use the lightest shade of course.
Dr. Jart+ Premium Beauty Balm SPF 45, No. 1 Light – Medium, 1.5 Ounce https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00O49KN7I/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_xKlqCbBZYGW81
(And again, I get it from Sephora for their good return policy)
Anonymous
+1. I’ve tried everything and Dr Jart is amazing. Prior to discovering Dr Jart, Laura Mercier was my favorite. Also agree with previous poster about IT’s lighter shades being very yellow. which, take it from me, does not look good on pale skin with pink undertones.
eertmeert
Am mid-late 30’s, with your skin type. I’ve gone through 4 tubes of CoverGirl Clean Matte BB Cream, and about to open my 5th. Everything is great about it, including the price, except the shade range is quite limited.
Dahlia
Tarte! I have skin very similar to yours (possibly more deathly pale. I’m pinkish but quite pale) and I adore tarte. The BB cream/primer which I use alone, not the foundation.
Its easy to apply with your fingers and gives me flawless skin. People compliment me on my skin all the time and ask me what I use. It’s also cruelty free! Available at sephora. I use “light”
Anonymous
Went through a breakup right before Thanksgiving. Childhood best friend, we started dating at 29 and split after a year. It is for the best – long term our goals are nothing alike, different values, I moved to a new city, etc. Now that the holidays and year end blur are over I miss him. We talked every day (phone/text/email) for years and I think that constant is what I miss. I know I need space to move on. How do I distract myself from the want to reach out, fill that time differently? I already volunteer, work a lot, and am trying to make new friends in my new town.
Anon
Reach out to other people in your life. My mother never calls me unless she needs something very concrete, but if I call her she will talk for an hour. I used to call her on my commute pretty regularly, and we’re not close at all. You can also text a friend or sibling. It’s not the same but it can help bridge the gap until you’ve settled into being on your own. It’s also not a terrible idea to start dating. Use the time you used to spend talking to him on the dating apps…they are a time suck and require emotional energy that you are looking to use up.
Monday
+1 to the dating apps. Even if you’re not going to be proactive about messaging or meeting up, just the act of looking can be helpful to remind you that other possibilities are out there. And needless to say, Likes are validating.
Anon100
Do you have other old friends who could help fill the gap with the talking/emotional aspect? I posted a couple weeks ago (New Year’s Eve actually) about how to move on from an ex who was basically my best friend in the area I live in, and yesterday afternoon there was a thread started by NOLA in which everyone said she needed emotional distance from her ex.
Anyway, I’m with you gurl about missing someone who was a huge part of your life, and I’m hanging on by doing three things 1) redirecting that talking/messaging to my best best female friend, 2) burying myself in work, and 3) reading books as a sort of escapism to not feel lonely.
I know this is trite, and right now I’m barely believing it too, but time will help heal.
op
Thank you! And all of you. This board always helps :) and I will check into the NYE one too!
Anon
The only way out is through. Time is really the only thing that will make this completely better.
Tetra
The heating element in our hot water heater broke. It’s about 14 years old, do you think we should just go ahead and replace the whole thing, or just the heating elements? Considerations: We’ve owned this condo about 2 years, planning to sell in another 2-3 years.
Anonymous
Yes, replace – I believe hot water heater lives are generally 8-10 years.
Anon
+1. Replacing the element would be a waste, since this HW heater is already past its life expectancy.
Signed,
Someone who discovered how (not) awesome it is when a 12 year old hot water heater rusts from the inside out
Anon
Agree to replace it. The parts and labor would first more than a new one, and when old water heaters wear out, they tend to wear out spectacularly, like flooding your basement spectacularly (ask me how i know) Buy a new one for your peace of mind in your last 2-3 years in the condo, and as a selling point when you leave.
anon
If you have the standard type, electric, with a tank, replacing the heating element is so so easy. My landlord has done it twice (once for each of the 2 elements, not because the same one blew out twice), and taught me how because he thinks its such unskilled labor. For the upper element, he didn’t even bother to drain the tank; it was like a 5 minute job, including figuring out which breaker.
TLDR, I would not replace the heater.
MagicUnicorn
Replace the heater. If it were younger it would make more sense to replace the element but you are living on borrowed time with a 14 YO heater (says she who has a 20+ YO heater that has somehow miraculously not corroded through itself yet).
CL
Replace it. You’d probably end up with energy savings as result (they keep getting better and better).
Divorcing friends
Any tips for maintaining friendships with divorcing friends? Friends of ours are getting divorced. These are friends we see once a month or so. Our husbands are close- closer than I am with the wife. They will often get together without wives and kids. I will get together with the wife a couple times a year without the husbands for play dates. I would love to reach out to the wife to check in and see how she is doing, but I’m not quite sure how to do this, or even if it would be welcome, since our husbands are so close. She actually has never mentioned the divorce to me- I get all my info from my husband who still goes out for a beer with her husband once in a while. I don’t want to choose sides or get in the middle of things, but I would like to continue to hang out because they are both great people with great kids and I like to be supportive when friends are in a tough spot. Anyone have thoughts on now to navigate this?
anon0321
I would think if it was acrimonious, you go with the stronger friendship (which sounds like the 2 husbands)… but if they seem cordial with one another & you want to remain friends with the wife, then just reach out as regular for the next get-together you planned? If she says no, respect that, but if she says yes- just go on as normal?
Anonymous
If you’re not sure if she’d be comfortable around your DH due to his friendship with her ex, I’d schedule it for a neutral location – like an indoor play place, children’s museum or an outdoor skating rink etc depending on ages/interests of kids. Keep it casual ‘I’m thinking of taking the kids to X on Y date. Would love to see you and catch up if you’d like to join us. If you prefer a different date, let me know.’
How Long
Just reach out. You can do it in a very no pressure way– Just say you’re thinking about her and wanted to see if she wants to get together on X date to do Y thing. The thing I hated when I was going through a divorce was when people other than my very best friends said, “How ARE you?” Especially if they asked a thousand follow-up questions after I just said, “Fine” and tried to change the subject. And don’t mention the ex or anything you’ve heard from your husband.
One other thing is that I had a really, really hard time being friends with people who were friends with my ex for a long time. I don’t know their situation, but my situation was one where he was clearly the “bad actor” (cheated on me and left me in dramatic fashion). Right or wrong, I had a hard time hanging out with people who I viewed as “choosing him” despite his terrible behavior, and that was something I had to work through in my own way. I have reconnected with the friends I care about from that time. So, if something like that happened and she doesn’t really want to hang out, just know it’s not you and she’s trying to deal with those feelings in her own way.
How Long
Also, to clarify, I understood that people who were closer to him would want to continue being his friend, and I didn’t begrudge them that. I just had a lot of hurt feelings for obvious reasons and didn’t want to be around them for a while because I didn’t want anyone to (1) report to him how sad I was or (2) accidentally say something about him to me or (3) accidentally hint in any way that he wasn’t a terrible monster.
OP
Thank you for your thoughtful and honest reply.
Anonymous
Yes. Clearly here you stay friends with husband and not wife, who isn’t really your friend anyway in that you rarely see or talk to her independently.
Closing costs?
Has anyone successfully negotiated having the seller cover closing costs in a house purchase? If so, what was the rationale for doing so? Any tips or tricks?
Curly
I’m paying a portion of my buyers’ closing costs. We went back and forth on the selling price for the house due to them wanting a portion of the closing costs paid. It honestly didn’t make a difference to me because we still ended up at the same total number. My realtor told me that the buyers needed to preserve more of their cash.
LawyrChk
This varies widely by market. But just like buying a car, you’re ultimately moving piles of money from one category to another. A savvy seller is just going to subtract those from the net proceeds when considering your offer and will negotiate the sales price accordingly. If you want $2,000 in costs covered, it’s the same as decreasing your offer by price by the same amount. If they’re being baked into the sales price, make sure the property will appraise high enough to absorb the closing costs. I did this in a Florida market several years ago to keep more cash on hand post-closing.
I’d ask your realtor on whether it is common in your market.
Anon
Ditto this. Varies by market. Some sellers get their dander up, harrumphing that if you can’t afford closing costs, you don’t deserve to buy this house, but others realize that, as said above, it’s just moving money from one hand to the other. I bought my first house in a market with primarily first time home buyers, and the local custom actually was that you offered list price and asked for full closing costs. If a house is listed at $300k and you ask for $10k in closing, it’s the same as offering $290k – just take it into account when making your offer.
Anon
I think your budget should reflect you paying your share of closing costs. The situations where sellers pay all or part of closing costs for the buyer is usually when something that needs to be fixed comes up during the inspection phase. The seller will often credit the closing costs rather than actually get it fixed or reduce the selling price.
If you’re wanting the seller to cover closing costs outside of this, it just means the price of the house goes up. You may want this because you’re cash poor and want the closing costs to go into the loan, but most lenders are leery of this. I’d personally say that if you don’t have the money for closing costs, you shouldn’t be buying a home. You’re too close to not being able to afford a mortgage payment during a bad month where everything goes wrong.
Anonymous
This is simply not true in some markets. In my market, it is essentially presumed that the seller will pay closing costs, esp. on a house under $450k, though this must be set out in the offer and is a negotiated term. I’ve not heard of lender pushback.
Anonymous
It’s really common in my area with homes that are traditionally starter homes with first time buyers. Much less common with the larger homes that are generally “upgrades”/”forever homes”.
HPV vaccine
I just found out that the FDA recently approved the HPV vaccine for women up to 45. It used to only be recommended up to age 26, and I was a little older than that when it first came out so I never got it. I should get it now, right? This is a no brainer? Also, why wasn’t this bigger news at the time the change was announced?
Anon
I would get it. I’m 53 but I’m HPV negative, so i would get it to maintain that for live, if i were eligible, even though I’m married and monogamous. You never know.
Anon
I think you can still get it, it’s just not free (or covered?) under insurance. Definitely ask your doctor if you want it. Also, as a PSA, the HPV vaccine doesn’t prevent all strains of HPV. Most sexually-active people (like 80%?) have at least one strain of HPV. IIRC, there isn’t a test for men and the only test for women is monitoring for abnormal cervix cells via pap smear.
Anon
Right. It prevents the strains that cause cervical cancer, and I’m negative for those. My OB screens for it every Pap smear.
Anon
As a PSA, it protects against *some* of the strains that cause cancer. You can still get one of the strains it doesn’t protect against. If you had the original Gardasil vaccine it only protected against 2 strains, though now there’s one that protects against 9. I think a lab checking your pap results typically checks for 14 strains?
Anon
To answer your last sentence, there is a specific test for the concerning strains of HPV. I’ve seen my lab results.
Anon
You’re right–I was slightly off. It is a separate test than a pap but usually performed at the same time (and via similar method). I thought it was a subset of a pap. There is no test for men, though, per Mayo.
Anon
Are you single? I don’t think there’s much point if you’re married or in a long-term monogamous relationship, since it only provides benefits if you get it before having one or more new partners. But if you’re single, yes, I’d definitely get it.
Anon
I disagree with this. Life is long. You don’t know if you’re going to have an indiscretion, your husband is, or maybe your husband is a dormant carrier. Or you might get raped. Preventing cancer is important. I wouldn’t skip it just because you think you know what the rest of your life is going to look like.
HPV vaccine
I’m married, but I’m only 40. My husband is a decade older than me. Life is long. Divorce happens. Senior citizens are the population in which HPV is growing the most. We don’t get the vaccine for our 11-year-old children because they’re current having s3x with multiple partners. That’s sort of my mindset. A “why not”? Maybe I’ll never “need” it, but who knows? I’m young enough to get it now. I won’t be when it might become more relevant.
Except I don’t really feel that strongly about it and it’s 3-shot process.
Anon
I was barely under the age 26 rule when I started it (it was three shots at the time). Definitely get it. It’s a low/no risk prevention mechanism. I think it will even be free under insurance as preventative care.
Ellen
I am going to get the HPV vaccine not b/c I am active $exueally, but b/c the men I occasionally have had $ex with could have been with other women who are $exueally active, and I do NOT to catch what they have been carrying around in their cervixes and handing off to the guys who then have $ex with me, thank you very much. FOOEY!
Anon
Late reply here, but you may not be able to get it just yet. I got a prescription from my doctor, but because the CDC hasn’t made the same recommendation (yet) the pharmacist in my state (MD) was unable to give me the shot. I’m going to wait a few months for the CDC to make their recommendation and try again.
Dahlia
I know I’m late to this thread, but in case anyone is still reading- the vaccine protects against the strains that cause the large majority of cervical cancers. But they do even more than that! Did you know that certain throat cancers (oropharyngeal cancers) have now outstripped cervical cancer as the most common HPV-associated cancer and the incidence is continuing to rise? I treat patients on a daily basis with this cancer, and due to its location, the treatment is often life changing (in a bad way). In most cases, the virus is thought to get to the throat tissues by oral-genital contact. HPV also causes anal and penile cancers. There is no pap-smear-like test for the throat, so the best way is to prevent it by vaccination. I urge everyone I know to get the vaccine. I’m vaccinated.