Coffee Break: Lyric Pendant

158 Comments

1. Advice on not going crazy from quarantining with COVID? My symptoms are mostly gone except for congestion, but I am on Day 2 of being alone in my room and some anxiety/stir-crazy feelings are definitely setting in. I’m also worried about getting depressed. What would you guys do if you had to be stuck in your room for up to 10 days?

   1. Can you go for a masked walk alone outside?

   2. Do you have a car? When I was quarantining, I allowed myself a brief joyride each day. I would never do this under normal circumstances, but it helped my sanity. I am lucky that I can be on a country road almost immediately, so it felt like such an escape from my 10 x 10 bedroom where I otherwise spent 100% of my quarantine time. I also found that a regular schedule of stretches and exercises helped me.

   3. I would absolutely not be stuck in my room for 10 days. I’d get outside (away from people) a LOT, as soon as I felt better. And once my symptoms were where yours are, there is zero chance I’d be quarantining for an additional 8 days, no matter what someone at the CDC says.

      1. I hope you’d be wearing a mask, at least.

   4. I assume you’re isolating in a single room because of your household? If you don’t want to do so much as walk out of your room, open the windows for fresh air, look into exercises designed for travelers (like, body weight based stuff you can do in a hotel room with no equipment), make a paper chain that you tear links off every so often ;)

      If your household is ok if you walk through in a good mask to get outside, do you live in an area where you can go for a masked walk without getting close to anyone?

   5. If you’re vaccinated the quarantine is only 5 days. Then you’re supposed to wear a mask in public for the next 5 days.

   6. I wouldn’t bother. Been there, tried that, once it’s in your house it’s in your house. Some will get it, some won’t. It’s crazy making to even try.

   7. The Peloton app has a 30 day free trial program. It has stretching, yoga, mediation and other things like standing barre that can be done in a small room or apartment. Good luck!

      1. I was also thinking movement. If you don’t feel very strong, you could just have a 5 min dance party and shake those limbs, because nobody is watching! Or some gentle Yoga.

   8. You don’t have to be stuck in your room for 8 more days. The second I felt up to it I was doing masked walks outside and nice drives

   9. I would love this. I would find recipes that I wanted to make, organize my closet and drawers and online shop for whatever needs replacing, make a list of audiobooks I want to listen to (and listen to some), do my nails/pedicure/hair mask/face mask, do some reading for work/catch webinars that I never have time for, polish up my resume and apply if anything looks interesting, create videos pairing my favorite music with old photos, create photobooks for my mom/husband/whoever for the next gift giving occasion, plan my next vacation (or two or three) or even just put together itineraries for nearby day trips, learn how to meditate and/or do yoga, think about hobbies I might want to do and research them/nearby groups and the equipment needed (I always thought beekeeping like my Dad used to do could be cool but have no idea how I’d start, making my own jelly and other canning is another one that keeps niggling at me ), dig out some of the video games that I loved as a kid–I could keep going. I love time to myself. I would not however go outside or cut quarantine short in most instances as others have suggested, as you truly have no control over who will come into contact with you. Whether it’s the elderly guy who stops to help with a flat tire or the cancer patient who happens to be in line at Walgreens.

      1. Just realizing I shouldn’t have started out saying I would love it–I am so, so sorry. That was totally insensitive. I just haven’t had a minute to myself in forever and it’s making me crazy.

         Another one on my to-dos list is to investigate gardening options and learn about it for the different months (and landscaping, too). I feel like my parents knew all of this stuff and I just never learned. Other good time wasters are paint by number, puzzles while listening to podcasts, making yourself new playlists. It also may be a good time to catch up on scheduling any appointments you need to make for when you’re out (routine physical you’ve been meaning to get on a calendar, coordinating the kids’ physicals at end of summer, etc.

         Hopefully getting a list together of things you might have interest in will help some of the time go by and make you feel a little bit more in control.

   10. 10 days alone in your room? That’s overkill. Here in Canada it’s 5 days after the first positive test or the onset of symptoms.

       1. +1

       2. It’s 5 days in the US too, unless you’re unvaccinated.

   11. I’d schedule 2 things per day- calls with friends, online yoga classes, picking out fancy delivery dinner, some new art kit from michaels, finally Kondo-ing out my closets, ask a friend to drop off 3 library books,

   12. Definitely mask up and take a distanced walk outside.

       Also, cdc guidance is you can leave quarantine after 5 days if you’re symptom free. You just have to mask up for the next 5 days.

2. I’m about to purchase a car as a first-time car buyer and new driver (in my mid-20s :(). I don’t have anyone to provide guidance on this, so I’d love input on everything I should do before purchase:
   – getting insurance (any reccs here?)
   – registering/getting a license plate (is this all DMV?)
   – anything else?
   Thank you!!

   1. You will get the insurance and license plate once you buy the car. They usually don’t let you drive off the lot until you have insurance, and the dealership applies for your license plate for you. You get a temporary plate on the car right away and the dealership usually calls you when the permanent comes in, usually within 30 days.

      1. In my state, we had the plates when I drove off the lot. This will vary by state and maybe dealership?

         Ask a friend for a rec for an insurance broker or post here where you’re located and someone will give you a name. Eastern Insurance group out of Wakefield if you’re in MA! You need to get that teed up before you drive off the lot.

   2. Plates vary by state and circumstance – some do paper tags, some make you go to the dealership to pick up metal plates, some mail metal plates to your house.

      Make sure the salesman enters the right address in the DMV computer for your license and registration – bad things – like suspended licenses – happen when they enter an old address off your license and you don’t get renewal notices and are subsequently driving on a suspended license and have no idea until you get pulled over for what you think is a garden variety speeding ticket.

   3. Insurance – I formerly had MetLife then called Geico for a quote on full-coverage and it was 1/2 of what I was paying so make sure you call around to get the best deal (I’m paying $42/month for full coverage if that helps at all). You [usually] need the VIN to get an insurance quote, then proof of insurance to leave the dealer lot.

      License Plate/Registration – in my Northern NE state, the dealership gives you a temp plate good for 30 days. Then you have to go to the town hall for registration stickers, a license plate, and to pay the excise tax.

      All of this varies a ton by municipality, town, city, state but your state should have a DMV website that explains it all. One thing to ask your dealer is if they provide free oil changes, inspection stickers, etc since you purchased the vehicle from them. I just bought a Mazda from a VW dealer and they offered me free yearly inspection stickers as long as I own the car. I would also look into any add-on warranties that the dealer offers since you’re a new driver/owner – like free service for 3 years or 60k miles, etc.

      1. Be sure to compare the coverage if you opt for a cut rate provider like Geico or Progressive. We learned the hard way that the coverage offered by these sorts of places is cheap because it is really minimal. Any accident involving damage to a person or other property, let alone your car, makes it very likely you will be paying a LOT out of pocket.

   4. Do you have homeowners insurance or renters insurance already? If you do, I’d call that place and ask about adding a car. A lot of times when you bundle things it saves money.

   5. Progressive, Geico and esurance can all provide reasonable quotes on the phone or via smartphone internet while you’re at the dealer. (Bring a laptop if you have one–it’s slightly easier).

      Read car-buying guides on Edmunds.com. Understand the tricks they use.

      Do not let the dealer snow you into naming what you’re willing to pay per month. Find the car you want, ask what the price is, and do not let them do the “it depends” based on financing dance.

      Also, bring food and water. They do the BS “let me go check with my manager” stuff and it’s super-annoying. I was starving by the time I was done last time, and it was during ‘rona-times, so they had no food or water!

      Decide in advance if you want to buy an extended warranty. They will pressure you HARD on this. They are high-profit for the dealer. I bought one for peace of mind based on the brand of car I was getting (not the highest for reliability), but if you are buying, say, a Toyota, getting one is probably not necessary. Also, this locks you into repairs at dealerships, which may or may not be convenient depending on where you live.

      Be a hardass–don’t worry about offending them or walking out if they’re treating you with sexist BS!

      1. Yeah the Toyota extended warranty is not a good deal for anyone except the dealership.

   6. Looks like other folks have you covered on registration & insurance, so I’ll drop a tip on the car buying process. I discovered this Tik Tok account a few months ago and I’m obsessed because she gives excellent car buying advice and also I love her voice. The account is smell.like.bad.decisions and she also has a business helping folks get the best deals – https://www.cowartautoconsulting.com/

   7. If you are buying used, get local recommendations for a good shop that will do a pre-purchase inspection. It’s money well spent.
      Not sure how AAA rates compare against other insurance, but I do value their partial DMV services that saves me a trip into that circus.

   8. If you are buying new, consider a lease. I was a “never lease” person, but when I bought my new car a year ago, there was no way of getting it below MSRP and I realized that the price for leasing it and then buying out, or buying it cash outright, would be basically the same. So I decided to lease it and if it’s the right car for me I can buy it out at the end of the lease and if it isn’t, I’m not stuck trying to sell a 3 year old car.

      Remember that you can always walk out. Even if they have already run the credit check for financing — the ding to your score for getting multiple inquiries in a short period (a week or two) is minimal, when all these inquiries are related to shopping around for a car or insurance.

      Be prepared for the insurance to be very expensive because you don’t have an insurance history — after 6 months or a year, call and see if they can lower the rate.

   9. Thanks, everyone!! This is super helpful. I’m buying used, likely a Toyota or Honda for more reliability. I’m in Arlington, VA so any reccs for dealers, insurance agents, or pre-inspection shops are welcome!

      1. We have always had good luck with the Browns dealerships. They should have both Honda and Toyota, though I’m not sure where. Also look at lightly used Mazdas. That’s what I’ve been buying and they run like champs. As a first time buyer I would avoid the Priority line of dealerships – I bought my last car from them and they tried to tack on a MASSIVE fee on top of the usual few hundred bucks for processing, and since I didn’t have a cashier’s check on me they made me fill out all the paperwork for financing. Browns and other dealers have let me drive the car off the lot after writing a personal check and then bring a cashier’s check in a day or two. Good luck!

      2. The last time I bought a car, I got them to put the downpayment on my credit card (which I then paid off right away) so I could get the travel points. A small thing, but it felt like a little bonus. Good luck! I had a very, very used Honda for years, and it was the most reliable car ever!

      3. Definitely seconding Browns. There’s a Browns Honda in Arlington though I believe their Toyota dealership is out in Fairfax. I bought a Mazda from them at at their Alexandria dealership. It was inconvenient to have to uber out to Alexandria and back as I had no car and had just moved from NYC; but the discounts you get there vs. other dealerships made the uber rides more than worth it. And they really worked with me to have the car ordered and ready so I only had to go out there one time to pick it up and do the paperwork and personal checks were no issue. In fact something was screwed up with the paperwork that was their fault and I had to re-sign a form and they drove it out to me after I was like uh I’m new to the area, you really want me to drive to Alexandria after work on a weeknight? I just think because they’re such a volume dealer, when you check rates on Truecar etc, they always have the best rates in town so any inconvenience re location is worth it.

3. random Q – what sort of community resources does your neighborhood, town, building offer that you appreciate? in a suburban town trying to think beyond the community pool.

   1. I only wish we had a community pool. My community has lots of parkland and hiking trails, and I use those a lot. Something I never appreciated until a friend moved to an area where one had to purchase each trashbag is regular, all-inclusive trash and recycling services.

      1. +1. Moving from a city where families are limited to tiny trash cans as some conservation effort, it’s really nice now living in a community where the trash can is easily large enough to hold all my family’s trash, and I don’t have it spilling out the top every single week.

   2. Library, including events for kids of various ages at the library
      Tennis courts
      Box to drop off unused prescriptions for disposal
      Sidewalks
      Pretty landscaping
      2x per year electronics recyling
      Family friendly movie in the park a few times per month in the summers

   3. Bike trails that connect to schools, community centres and major workplaces.

      Bike lanes on roads I’m not a fan of but bike trails give kids and teenagers lots of freedom.

   4. Our old neighborhood had a great trails system. I miss it immensely. Our current neighborhood is quite a bit nicer overall but lacks the trail infrastructure. Having a trail is a different experience than sidewalks alone.

      On the other hand, our current suburban neighborhood contains our church, a couple of parks, and several small restaurants. Makes it feel more like a community. I am quite happy spending a significant amount of time in our neighborhood.

   5. Quarterly bulk trash pick up.

      1. My town used to have an annual bulk trash pickup and it was great – so many times people would scavenge things off the curbs the night before and it kept things out of the landfill. I wish they would bring it back.

         I appreciate reciprocity with nearby towns’ library systems — one of them has a way better ebook collection than my town and it’s easy to borrow things online.

         Easy civic engagement for things like reporting potholes, applying for permits, etc. Government just works (which seems like not a big deal until you live somewhere it doesn’t).

      2. We have monthly and it’s so great.

   6. Building:
      Yearly recycling pick-up where professional recyclers handle everything from electronics, furniture, random bits of plastic to garden waste. Sorted on site and taken to the city recycling centres (otherwise free and available by car or public transport). Yearly Christmas tree pickup by the city.

      Walking distance, daily – again with the trash, makes a great difference:
      Paper, glass, metal, batteries, paint, prescriptions, small electrical items, organic household, plastic and mixed trash available.
      Charity shop containers for clothes, shoe and textile pickup for recycling and Goodwill.

      Community/part of city:
      Parks with greenery, flowers, water features, playing areas, outdoor gym and fields for various sports, including skateboarding.
      Bicycle lanes separate from cars and sidewalks. Bike/hike trails off road.
      Speed bumps, traffic lights, low speed limits and limited parking to keep cars away from the area, and good public transport.
      Library in walking distance. City indoor sports arenas in walking distance.

      Would love to have:
      Community bee hives, bicycle washing and repair area, quarterly city pick-up for appliances and other awkward items for recycling. Quicker sidewalk and bicycle lane mowing during winter. The dog owners would probably appreciate a fenced dog park where dogs can be off leash.

   7. Farmers market, huge gorgeous acres of dog park, 4th of July parade and fireworks and day of activities (different competitions, amusement rides, petting zoo, etc.), walking distance to train to major city. Leaf pick up. Active park district. Active senior programming.

   8. I can’t tell if you are looking at real estate or looking for ideas of what to do in your community. I am not in a suburb, so take this with a grain of salt, but I would hate to live anywhere that didn’t have actual sidewalks. I think the ability to walk places is essential to my mental well-being. I also think being able to walk to at least a few restaurants would be really helpful. Who wants to drive or get an uber every single time you have a few drinks with dinner.

      In terms of amenities, I would look at parks, community events, etc. Also check out the library. One of my absolute favorite things in my neighborhood is our used book shop in our local library basement.

   9. within my little neighborhood (townhouse & apartment building community) – sidewalks with trees, a yoga studio, large green community space for kids to run around with friends.

      town (actually the next town over that has better resources) – library system although that’s the county system, annual book festival, annual summer festival with local acts and crafts, farmers markets, a good neighborhood trail system with a whole bunch of small lakes, a variety of restaurants of varying cuisines (not as good as the big city 45 minutes away, but still something to point to the diversity of the residents here), gym, the mall, occasional arts festivals/events, music performances and festivals, ice skating rink, annual wine festival

   10. We love our community pool but also love the parks with nice tables and shade and BBQ grills. We also have certain areas dedicated for those big blow up jumper things that must be reserved in advance, which helps the park to not be taken over by them on the weekends. I like that our neighborhood association puts on movie in the park events. Some of our parks have exercise equipment and all of the parks have a separate dog park area. (Some nicer than others.) Our main park has a splash pad for kids. I also like that we can request different kinds of trash or recycling pick up (old appliances, paint, oil, medical waste, etc.)

   11. I live in a tiny college town; here are some of the things in our area (organized by the town government or other groups):

       A huge Pride parade and weekend celebration (insanely big for the size of the town)
       Holiday tree lighting party (extremely secular other than the fact of the tree)
       Fourth of July parade and fireworks
       Shakespeare in the Park (pre-pandemic)
       Community theater with locally written 10-minute plays (performed outdoors during the pandemic)
       Community pool and parks
       Dog park
       Annual outside art fair/sale
       Annual outside book fair (collectibles, used books, etc.)
       A truly ridiculous ball drop on NYE (I think it started in the 1970s with an actual beach ball)
       A tree committee that keeps an eye on trees near public areas (e.g., they will look for trees that might fall onto the street or need to be trimmed because they’re interfering with sidewalk access) and that plants memorial trees in public areas for a donation
       A porchfest music festival annually and various other outdoor concerts year-round
       Once, during the pandemic but I hope it comes back, there was an outdoor movie on the lawn of the town hall (Ghostbusters, it was a blast)
       A bike trail that connects to trails in most of the state
       A semi-annual fix-it clinic (you take in your broken lamp or vacuum cleaner or whatever, volunteers help you fix it)
       A program for residents to round up utility bills to help low income customers with their bills
       Curbside recycling
       Annual bulk trash pick-up, with pick-ups during the rest of the year (such as with a move-out) arranged in advance
       The town is about to start a pilot program for broadband access for all residents
       Earth Day recycling and paper-shredding event

       1. I want to move to your town.

       2. Wow, your college town is so much better than mine.

       3. This is why I love college and university towns.

          1. This is a better than average college town! I live in a college town too and we have less than half of these things.

       4. I do love it, and felt particularly lucky to be there during the pandemic (the town was super covid-conscious, there were lots of outdoor options etc.) The downsides are expense/gentrification (I have lived there 28 years and so am entitled to complain, even though objectively I’m in the upper income level) and a extraordinary level of argument and political wrangling on every.single.issue (the vitriol on one FB discussion page is shocking), even though the population as a group is fully to the left. Writing all of this down, though, I realized how really great the town is.

   12. town-A great trail/greenway system, annual christmas tree pick up, discounted composting bins, recycling for various unusual items (though mostly we have to take them to a central location)

   13. Library
       Parks
       Paved walking/biking trail
       Nature preserves with rustic hiking trails and snowshoe paths
       Festivals and parades
       Twice a year clean up days, where you can bring any and all trash (furniture, electronics, appliances, mattresses, dead cars, anything broken or not) for free recycling
       High school sports
       Rivers, creeks, and lakes with public access for fishing, swimming, canoeing, etc.

   14. Sidewalks, sidewalks sidewalks and crossing guards. My 9 year old walks to school with her friends and it is so nice for her to have independence while also being safe from being hit by cars.

4. A few times a year, I breakout behind my ears, in my ears, or inside my nose. Pro – not on my face/invisible, Con – hurts/is irritating! Anyone else deal with this, or figure out how to minimize it? I might get 1-2 pimples or whiteheads right before my period, but am not otherwise acne or breakout prone. I think some months instead of being on my face, the pimples are “hidden”.

   1. Yes I occasionally get painful pimples in my ears. No tips but it’s not just you!

   2. Very occasionally I will get one in the interior tip of my nose. So annoying and painful. I spot treat with Differin and hope it resolves quickly!

5. I started a new job this week and am worried I made a big mistake. The organization I joined appears to be much more in flux and lacking in the basic processes necessary to do my job than I was led to believe when interviewing. I’m also not sure that new boss will be supportive as they are overextended and seem to want to drop work into my lap without much transition/training – and I don’t even know what resources exist to do the work.
   My old job was easy and comfortable and I left on very good terms, but the reasons I left (leadership/future opportunities) aren’t something that can be fixed. I never would have thought I’d entertain the thought of going back, but now I am.
   If you’ve been in a similar spot, how long did it take you to change your feelings? Is this just first week jitters?

   1. I will say that it seems training and orientation is bad at most organizations. Every time I have started a new job, the first few weeks felt like chaos. There are always tech problems and things that nobody thinks to tell you. I assume you started yesterday? This could be normal.

      If things aren’t more coherent by next week, ask to meet with your boss and bring a list of questions.

      1. Thanks, Monday. Orientation is messy (tons of info but lacking context to make sense of it) but also worried about recent new turnover among related professionals/how related groups are being described/apparent infighting and disconnects between leaders that could complicate how I can accomplish the challenges of the job. It might be a case of too much transparency too early… I may need to just take a deep breath and wait a week or two to evaluate.

   2. [deleted by mgmt]

      1. Sigh.

      2. Where is the report button?

         1. Comment p – l – i – t- k (without the dashes and spaces) to flag it

   3. You probably didn’t make a big mistake. Maybe their onboarding process just s*cks: IME lots of decent orgs have terrible or no onboarding. Also you’re new: ask questions! Give it at least six months. You’ve got this! If you end up wanting to go back, I’m sure you can. But try to stuff those thoughts down for now. There’s a reason you left. Give the new place a chance.

      1. Thank you – I needed to hear this :)

      2. Also – I did this and I knew pretty soon after that I’d made a mistake but I tried to keep going and after six months went back to my old company. Try to assess what will change (you’re new, maybe you can change some things), what won’t, and what you’ll learn and take away from the experience if you stay a year or whatever. If it’s truly terrible, I give you permission to take a mulligan. A lot of people are doing it.

   4. “my old job was easy and comfortable . . . ”
      Because of this, can you do a bit of self-searching to see how much of your current discomfort is coming from being out of your comfort zone, and being in a place where you’re going to have to (perhaps) invent some processes and go around figuring out resources? Where perhaps you’ll need to use more initiative than at your former job, because your boss doesn’t have the space to give you the level of time and support you’d prefer? Assuming you didn’t land at a terrible company or a genuinely bad job fit, this kind of challenge might be energizing because it means you’re in a company with a lot of possibilities for learning, leadership, and growth. Only time (and some of that soul-searching) will be able to help you tell.

      Also, +111 to the people saying onboarding might be awful or nonexistent, your computer might not be ready, email not working, your workspace not ready, HR not available to help you with payroll stuff, etc. I swear that every time my (smallish) company hires someone, we forget that all this stuff has to be done, and that it SHOULD be done before they get here.

6. Hi All! My bff and I do an annual girl’s trip and this year we’re going to Portugal! We purchased tickets a while ago and are now sorting out the itinerary. We are there for 6 days in August (not including travel days). We are flying in and out of Lisbon, and will also hit Porto. Would welcome thoughts on our current itinerary below and any recommendations on activities, accommodations (we’re looking at hostels), cultural considerations, wardrobe, transportation and food! We also have a running list of COVID-related travel requirements. Thank you!

   Day 1: Lisbon (exploring city center)
   Day 2: Lisbon (outside city center)
   Day 3: -> Porto with a stop at Aveiro
   Day 4: Porto (exploring city center)
   Day 5: Back to Lisbon with a stop at Caimbra
   Day 6: Day trips to Sintra and Cascais

   1. I really loved the view of the ocean from Farol do Cabo da Roca. Definitely recommend going over to the coast.

   2. I adore Portugal — you guys are going to love this trip! I personally thought the wine region outside of Porto was the best part of Portugal, and it doesn’t look like you’ll have any time for it. Could you cut out Aveiro and arrive in Porto earlier so you can do a day in the city and then a day in the Duoro Valley? The wineries out there are beautiful and I think it would be well worth the time. I also found that Sintra took a whole day for us — took the morning train from Lisbon and did three of the palaces and lunch in Sintra and didn’t get back to Lisbon until nightfall. I’m not sure if you’ll have enough time for both in one day.

      1. Agree, Sintra was a full day outing for us too.

         1. Agree, Sintra was a full day outing for us too.

   3. Not sure if you are still checking, but I agree with the others about Sintra and the Douro Valley.
      Some food recs for Lisbon: iiimpar on the Príncipe Real neighborhood (Nova de são mamede st, 23) for amazing cod and traditional dishes with a twist, “casa dos ovos moles em Lisboa”, in Chiado (calçada do sacramento, 23), fantastic pastry shop for going beyond custard pies. The Time Out Market is also cool, especially if you and your friend have different tastes.
      Saint George’s castle is worth the admission for the views (the ruins themselves are meh)

7. You need to be watching Minx on HBO if you’re not. So funny and smart and just the perfect feel good show.

8. Did anyone hear the story on NPR Marketplace last night about a couple fighting over damage to their car? The story was ostensibly about the emotional baggage we all carry in regards to money, but one woman (the couple was two women) just came across looking really petty.

   The couple went to Woman 1’s family home and drove Woman 2’s car. Woman 1’s father was outside playing with a toddler grandkid, but not supervising carefully, and little kid badly scratched the door of Woman 2’s car. Woman 2 insisted Woman 1’s father pay for the damage. The father paid for an $800 buff that didn’t satisfactorily fix it, and Woman 2 wanted him to pay for a $2,000 paint job. Woman 1 refused to ask her dad to pay that and offered to pay it herself to keep her partner happy, but Woman 2 refused to let Woman 1 pay.

   Woman 1 was like, uh, this is a car – I’m not asking my dad to pay $2k for some scratched paint – and Woman 2 was so, so upset over it. I’m pretty sure I’d break up with someone if they were that insistent that my family pay for scratched paint caused by a toddler. WWYD?

   1. This is nuts. Was it their toddler or someone else’s? I would totally not have even fixed the scratch in the first place!

      1. Some other relative’s toddler.

   2. I think it’s fine if Woman 2 wants her car fixed; nothing wrong with that. But I think it’s unreasonable to insist that the father pay for it when Woman 1 was willing to pay. Quite frankly, if she’s that concerned about her car, she should have comprehensive coverage for physical damage outside of a collision and she should just have him pay the deductible (which I’m assuming is less than that – but maybe not? mine would be.) and get the car fixed. I couldn’t see insisting that my in-laws pay for something like that.

      1. Wouldn’t the insurance company subrogate against the parents and/or homeowners?

         1. I guess they could. I don’t know that they actually would though? I don’t even know if you have to give that much information — I’ve never had to give that much information about damage (usually for glass breakage though; I don’t repair random scratches and dings like this).

         2. Unlikely

   3. I drive used cars with the knowledge that they’ll likely get scratched or dented. It’s part of life. If you don’t want a car with scratches, then you can pay for new paint jobs. It’s utterly unreasonable to ask for someone to pay for a paint job because a toddler accidentally scratched a car. Tbh, I think asking woman 1’s dad to pay $800 to buff it out was also utterly unreasonable

      1. I don’t know if it’s worse where we are than other places, but usually within 2 weeks of getting a new car, it’s dinged or scratched from someone banging a door into it in the parking lot, or trying to maneuver a shopping cart past the car and they don’t make it. Throwing a tantrum that ends up making national news over a paint scratch is a bad look, IMO, especially when the act was committed by a toddler who clearly had no ill will. I honestly do not understand people who get very, very invested in their car – which they drive all over the place and leave in public parking lots where literally anything could happen to it – being pristine at al times. It’s a car. There are bigger problems in the world. People are dying in Ukraine. Folks could just be grateful they have a car and they aren’t living in a bunker.

   4. If W2 wouldn’t accept money from W1 and only wanted money from the father, then it’s not really about the car anymore. It’s about punishing the father. That’s unfair and would be super icky to me, too and I probably also would DTMFA.

      1. Yea, I think this is exactly right. Punishment and completely icky!

   5. I have a former friend who nuked relationships with two other friends (who I’m still close to) in two separate incidents over petty crap like this. In both cases, it was arguable if the friend even caused the damage. Some people really are that petty and let their egos get the best of them, even at the expense of long term friendships.

   6. Woman 2 seems nuts.
      – I’ve never bothered to pay for or repair a scratch on my car, including once when my car was keyed. It’s a car.
      – In general, I do not expect caretakers to cover damage caused by my own child. I cover damage caused by my child, even if I wasn’t watching him at the time. (For example, he once ripped a book at daycare during naptime, and we replaced the book. I wondered what the adults were doing while he ripped an entire book into tiny pieces, but I replaced the book anyways.) It’s part of having children, and of course, things happen when I’m watching my own kid too. If the child is only Woman 1’s child, or another relative’s child, then I’d probably feel like the other parent should help pay for any serious damage.
      – If my FIL were in a wreck with my car (more serious damage and clearly his fault), I’d probably expect him to reimburse me my deductible. So, if the scratch is a huge deal to Woman 2, and there’s some consensus that Woman 1’s father is responsible, Woman 2 should file a claim with her insurance company, and what Woman 1’s father already paid may already exceed the deductible.
      – What’s the reasoning behind rejecting Woman 1’s offer to pay? It addresses Woman 2’s problem. Why take a principled stand on who pays?

      1. To your last point, it is either because W2 wants to punish the father or because she views W1’s money as “their money” and so she wants the money to come from somewhere else, not a pool she believes she has claim to. This whole thing is gross to me.

         1. If the second, that’s sort of grabby, and I really don’t feel like you should view your partner’s family that way.

   7. If we were listening to the same story, the whole point was that once they dug into it, it emerged that the woman with the damaged car had had a bad experience with her family taking away use of a car in college (when cars meant FREEDOM) when she came out to them as gay and it got into a whole thing about cars/freedom/control/love and acceptance and the story was specifically about how emotions come into play about money — like the whole point was that it was a weird reaction to have and there was backstory. Maybe we heard different stories?

      1. +1

         Yes, I heard the same story. Your memory is correct.

         Unfortunately, our OP here missed the point of the story, which I did too at first! I was initially like… what the heck, this woman is crazy and I’d break up with her over this unreasonable demand. But once the car paint scratch obsessed woman told her story, you understand where she was coming from. And once she was heard, and understood, she let it go.

         I thought it was really an odd story for that NPR show, which I listen to every night for a quick financial review of the day.

         1. It’s fine to discuss different aspects of this story.

      2. Well, that sounds like a wonderful example of why actions, not intent, matter. The backstory of why someone behaves badly matters to them, but it’s not really relevant to the people they then go on to impact. A wonderful lesson for Woman 2 on some stuff she needs to work through, sounds like.

         1. Yeah, even having heard the backstory I don’t think Woman #2’s actions were reasonable.

   8. If you listen to the full episode on “This is Uncomfortable,” it got a little deeper into the background. The car owner had basically been disowned by her father for coming out and though he had promised her a car, she did not get it because she announced she was a lesbian. She thus had to work really had to afford the car that was the subject of the keying and it was a bit more emotional for her than just a “thing.” I definitely don’t agree with her demand that the parent pay, but I understand why she was a bit more upset than most would be.

      1. I get that background and its really horrible. However, I don’t think the toddler did this because the toddler is homophobic, so there’s a limit to how much it comes into play here.
         If I had a car that I bought like that I might also not be able to handle it having a single scratch. The thing is, her girlfriend offering to pay to paint it would address that. So that’s not even the real issue.
         Is it just a thing about fathers? There’s no reason to think that Woman 1’s father is at all against her being lesbian or the couple or anything like that.
         It just seems very very misplaced and the end product is misdirected anger at your SO’s father. I get being emotional about stuff but this is just beyond and a good way to ruin your relationships with other people.

         1. You are missing the whole point. She is mad at her own father, for being rejection by her family for being gay, maybe both resentful and proud of how hard she had to work to pay for this car on her own. And you dismissed her story in one short sentence. You are missing the whole point.

            Don’t we all sometimes do/say unreasonable things based on our life experiences? We’re not all perfect.

            I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be rejected by my parents when I was a fragile 18 year old. I’ll give her a pass.

            1. Okay, but there’s having feelings and acting on those feelings and you can have all the sympathy in the world for somebody’s feelings but not agree with how they act on them.

      2. You know who didn’t disown her? Her partner’s family. You know who has apparently respected her and her relationship? The people she’s soaking for two grand.

         I was disowned by my family shortly after I got married, and I manage to not be a raging lunatic to my MIL and FIL. They aren’t responsible for my family’s sociopathy.

         1. This! I’m not sure why her family being terrible to her justifies her then being terrible to her in-laws. You can have a lot of empathy for her experience with her family of origin and still not think she’s entitled to take out her feelings on innocent people.

   9. Dump her. She got $800 for a scratch and is still mad.

      I know this is not a popular opinion, but if you cannot afford to fix – or live with – random scratches to your fancy new car, you can’t really afford your fancy new car. I take outstanding care of my vehicle, so I don’t speak lightly. BUT cars get driven and dinged up.

   10. I literally don’t get how this is an issue at all if you’re in a couple. You’re… a couple. Isn’t each car both your cars, and aren’t you as a unit responsible for the cost of repairs? I mean yes one of our cars is my “husband’s” and one is “mine,” but if a repair was needed we would just pay for it from our household money. It would never occur to us to ask a family member who happened to be present when the damage occurred (?) to pay for it. This is bizarre.

9. Opinions wanted – for conference dinners or happy hours, what do you think when people bring their spouse or significant other? Have you ever brought your spouse or SO? Any major “don’t”s?

   Context – I’m flying to a conference later this month, my girlfriend is joining. She’ll hang out and find things to do on her own during the day, but wants to join my “small group” dinners at night. I’m fine with it as it’s a free for all (the conference gets tons of reservations and each person pays their own food). She wants to join to meet more people who do what I do, but also so we can be together more than just overnight. I’m a little apprehensive we’ll be at a table with someone non LGBT friendly but I honestly can say I’ve only ever seen southern men bring their wives, so I’m wondering if this is a terrible idea … or how to make it better. I think I can prepare her for “dry” conversation and she/we can hold her/our own if someone is rude, but we are definitely not the older southern couple!

   1. I would not do this. I’ve been to a ton of conferences (law), and I don’t recall anyone bringing significant others to events EXCEPT once when the wife was a judge and other times where significant others were invited.

      I also would think it was a little strange if SOs weren’t invited and someone showed up with theirs because conferences are essentially business meetings, and you’d never bring an SO to a work presentation. Maybe it is different in other industries, but I would not do this.

      1. Same

   2. I only did this when (a) the invitation is explicitly for people in and out of the industry, or (b) with my husband, who is in an adjacent industry. Context on (b): he left one event with an invitation to be on a panel in the future.

   3. I think it’s a bad idea. Not because you’re gay! Skip the small group dinners if you want but I’m there to meet colleagues not wives and girlfriends. She should not go.

      1. +1. I’ve gotten stuck sitting next to a spouse that was brought along. I’m there to talk to people about our field, not make small talk with someone’s SO.

      2. +1 Unless a spouse’s profession is relevant enough to be a genuine networking opportunity for the other participants, it’s a bad idea to bring them to small group dinners or any setting where people can’t quickly move on and mingle with the other conference participants. Not because you’re gay, but because making connections with colleagues is one of the reasons to go to a conference, and you would be taking that option away (as those men are doing).

         It there’s a non-seated thing instead, with drinks and nibbles on the go, walking around and talking to lots of people, that would be better. That might work for happy hour, but not dinner.

   4. I’m in academia, so it might be a little different, but I’ve been to a lot of conferences and have never once met a spouse at a conference event except for those that are both academics and have a reason to be there. Sometimes people bring their spouses to help with child care and my husband went to a meeting with me once when it was within driving distance and he had some work of his own to do in that city, but the spouses only show up for a meal or drinks at a restaurant outside of the official conference events and even then it’s pretty rare- generally only with people who are actually friends. I try not to judge because you don’t know the circumstances (disabilities, child care issues, etc.), but I would find it weird if a spouse showed up at an official conference dinner- can’t tell if that’s what you’re describing or if it’s more the scenario where people eat in small groups in the city on their own.

   5. this would be really weird for any conference I’ve attended. I’ve never seen a spouse attend except when accompanying their notable-speaker spouse, etc.

   6. I can’t comment on the LGBT angle but whether or not it’s weird for a spouse to come is pretty industry dependent. In law it’s pretty weird unless spouses are expressly invited. My husband’s an academic and I don’t normally go to conference dinners because they’re boring but it would be fine if I did.

      1. +1. I’m attending a legal conference next month where spouses and families are expressly invited to specific, large-group events, for a separate registration fee. Even at that conference, I wouldn’t include them in small-group dinners.

         We end up meeting up with friends who come to our city for conferences pretty frequently. In all the medical, academic, legal, and even actuarial conferences our friends have attended in my city, none of them has ever brought a spouse or SO.

         1. I actually go to my husband’s conference destinations with our kid quite frequently, and know plenty of other academic spouses who do the same. It’s a subsidized vacation for me and kiddo since our hotel is free, and he has conferences in some pretty epic places like the Galápagos Islands (I probably wouldn’t go to a conference in a US city unless I had family there). In my husband’s field at least, there’s a “banquet” at an upscale restaurant one night where a big shot gives a talk. It’s actually pretty normal for spouses and older kids who are at the conference location to attend that, although I usually skip it because I have a little kid who couldn’t sit still through it. Other nights are small group dinners and it would be weirder to crash that as a spouse since they’re more work focused. I would only go to a small group dinner if I was already pretty friendly with the colleague(s) he was eating with, which happens occasionally but not very often.

   7. I was married to an academic and often went along for some of his conferences, if they were somewhere nice or interesting ( Montreal, London, Belfast, Stockholm, as well as more standard locations like Denver and SF). I rarely went to any events but did go to a couple of cocktail parties/receptions for his smaller sub-field, usually when he was getting some kind of award. (He also was not very social, so I don’t know whether spouses went to the larger events.)

      I go to an annual conference of attorneys in my niche field, and I have met a few spouses at one of the evening receptions. There weren’t many, but I didn’t think it was weird. After the evening receptions, the attendees have dinner on their own, or maybe with their firms, and spouses who are in town will come to the restaurant with whatever group their attendee spouse is with. Again, I haven’t seen that happen too many times, but it was perfectly fine to have them along (and I had a great time two different years with the spouse of a colleague and friend from another state).

      1. Cocktail parties and receptions are completely different from a small group dinner. At those events, a person can tactfully rotate away after a few minutes to talk to networking contacts. At a dinner, whoever is sitting next to the spouse is stuck talking to them for 2+ hours, and is deprived of the opportunity to talk to someone else who would otherwise have been in that spot.

   8. Well, I go to a lot of conferences with my spouse so beware of all the “never” BUT we do the same thing for a living (both lawyers, same field) so it’s not weird and actually quite helpful as we both can help the other meet people, etc. I do agree with the consensus of “don’t” absent circumstances where it makes sense.

   9. Honestly this is inconsiderate to the other people at the dinner, unless they are also bringing their S/Os. There’s nothing more frustrating than going to an event for professional networking, and being stuck talking to the spouse who isn’t in the profession and with whom you have little in common. Yes, we’re all people, we can talk to each other politely, but that’s not the purpose of the dinner.

10. Has anyone recently applied to any of the CBP/TSA trusted traveler programs (e.g. NEXUS, PreCheck, Global Entry)? Could anyone give me an idea of how long it took for you to (1) get approved to even schedule the interview and then (2) schedule the interview? My NEXUS expired and I applied to renew it in late Feb and it’s still in the pending review status. Very frustrating! Particularly since I’ve heard it takes ages to schedule the interview.

    1. I applied to renew my NEXUS in April 2021, and I received notification that my renewal was approved in March 2022 (with the new card in the mail about a week later). They didn’t require an interview (however, my NEXUS hadn’t expired yet when I filed for the renewal – not sure if that makes a difference).

    2. I accidently let me Global Entry lapse, so I had to reapply. It took 4-5 weeks for me to get my conditional approval & be able to schedule my interview.

       My tip is to log into the portal daily & check the virtual appointments – I was able to do a virtual interview appt the same day that I got my conditional approval. Took about 10 mins and then I was all done. If I’d waited for a in person appt it would have taken months.

    3. Just did global entry for the first time. A few days to get conditional approval to schedule an interview; then when I tried to schedule, there was nothing available at 5 sites I checked. I kept looking every few days, and spots opened up- kept checking and rescheduling, and ultimately got an interview about 5 weeks after I started the process. The interview day itself was so disorganized – they were running >1 late, and random people kept trying to cut in without an appointment. Once I actually got called back it was super quick!

    4. I’m not sure about NEXUS but for Global Entry you can do the interview without an appointment upon arrival in the US from any international flight. So if you have any plans to travel internationally soon that might be easier than trying to schedule the interview. It only took us about 30 minutes for our entire family of two adults and two kids (this was pre-pandemic though).

11. I gave both my best friend and my boyfriend COVID and I feel horrible about it. I’d had symptoms (scratchy throat) but had taken two rapid tests and both said negative. I tried to stay away from people (slept in a different bed than my boyfriend and wore a mask inside rooms with him, for example), but feel so guilty and irresponsible for not quarantining the second the symptoms came on and getting a PCR test immediately.

    My boyfriend has a really important week at work and I feel awful that he’s too sick to get anything done. I also read that there’s a 10% chance you get long COVID even if you’re vaccinated, and I am dizzy with guilt about the possibility of giving either of these two people I love a chronic illness.

    Has anyone dealt with guilt from spreading COVID? Or as a vaccinated person, can anyone speak to what the chances are of getting long COVID?

    1. I don’t understand why you feel guilt about this. You had negative test results and it sounds like you were being careful anyway. You did the right thing here. Definitely do not feel guilty.

    2. Easier to say than to do, but try to distinguish fear from guilt; you obviously did take precautions, even despite negative rapid tests, and clearly didn’t want to contribute to anyone’s illness! This is the reality of living in an ongoing pandemic; precautions aren’t 100% and the people in our lives make choices about their own precautions too. I would feel awful too because it’s just how it feels, but I want you to hear that you’re not to blame for getting sick or for precautions not being enough, even if you’d make different choices knowing what you know now.

       I wouldn’t worry about long COVID right now because it will be a long time before it’s even on the table as a possibility.

       But if you can’t avoid thinking about it, here is a twitter thread I bookmarked recently just summarizing some of the studies on long COVID risk: https://twitter.com/ahandvanish/status/1504971103470510083 (I worry about things less when I see data, so maybe you’re like me?)

       What this doesn’t address is risk factors… My anecdotal impression is that healthy people who have a family history of chronic illness seem to have more trouble recovering from breakthrough infection than healthy people from families without a lot of chronic illness history. That’s literally just me looking around at people I know though. If there’s a lot of good research on that, I haven’t seen it yet.

    3. You followed all the rules and then some. You did the best you could, but Covid still got you, and them. It’s not a moral failing, it’s simply a reality that Covid will get us all eventually. Do your best to forgive yourself and stop worrying that they are going to get long covid. Whatever the true percentage of long covid in vaccinated people is (and I’m not sure we have enough research done yet to know that number), it doesn’t tell you whether they specifically are going to get it. You shouldn’t beat yourself up more if it’s 10% or less if it’s 1%. The likelihood is that they will be fine. There will be other important weeks at work. It’s going to be ok!

    4. I’ve been super cautious this entire time (still rarely eat indoors, have yet to be in a crowded location in or out side), but also take a realistic approach to transmission. Every single thing is a Covid symptom and it’s unreasonable to quarantine at any possible symptom. We don’t have a good handle on when quarantining works, what leads to higher transmission possibilities, or

       My vaccinated 6 year old had a small fever for about 30 min in the middle of April, then has had a cough and slightly runny nose for over three weeks. We home-rapid test every three days and he’s been PCR tested twice in addition to standard weekly PCRs at school, and they are all negative. We’re operating under the assumption it’s allergies or a cold or something else, let people know he’s coughing but negative so far, and are otherwise operating as normal. We even saw my vaccinated, twice-boosted, elderly grandparents on an outdoor porch for Mother’s Day while he was masked, and they knew all this and still chose to give him a hug. If it comes out later that one or all of us passed Covid to someone else, I refuse to feel guilty. We’re doing the best we can and making the best choices we can, and that’s going to have to be enough.

    5. I convinced my sister to come to karaoke a couple weeks ago (private room, only five of us) and a few days later all but one person tested positive…on my sister’s BIRTHDAY. So I understand why you might feel guilt, but these people are adults and know the risks and you absolutely didn’t do this to them– its a virus, its whole deal is transmitting as efficiently as possible.

       Also, my husband had covid about a month before I did and he was super diligent about isolating in the guest room/wearing a mask 24/7 to avoid giving it to me and then I ended up getting it a few weeks later, so all that work was basically for nothing.

       And lastly my advice about long covid is to avoid thinking about it (lol). Seriously though, there’s nothing worrying about it will do at this point, so best to just try not to freak out about it and remember the vast majority of vaccinated people recover fairly quickly.

    6. Omg get over it. He’s a big boy he could have left the house

    7. You didn’t do anything wrong, and neither have a lot of people who have had covid. Attaching a moral element to it is pretty problematic imo. There are a lot of behaviors worthy of shaming, but just getting sick and existing while sick doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.

       1. +1 I agree with this. After two years of doing all we can to avoid this disease, it can feel like a moral failure to get it, and like a moral disaster to transmit it. But it’s really not. It’s a virus that spreads easily, and can spread before people are even aware they are sick. No guilt needed (and I”m guessing neither your boyfriend nor your best friend wants you to be “dizzy with guilt” over them).

    8. I thought this was going to be one of those “well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions” situations, but that’s not you, OP. You did all the right things. You did not manage to avoid giving one of the most contagious viruses on earth to the people closest to you. You’re OK.

       And I say this as an immunocompromised person who basically can’t go anywhere right now. It’s not your fault. It’s the virus’s fault.

       1. +1

    9. Don’t be cray, if not from you they’d get it somewhere. All the virtue signaling about the right way to Covid leads to feelings like this that are absolutely not warranted. Unless you personally released Covid into the world, it’s not on you.

12. Hi friends, want to help me decide on something frivolous but also very fun?

    I am deciding on a splurge-y gift for myself and am debating between two things:
    – A right hand ring. It would be three diamonds, in a style totally different from my engagement ring (which I adore and love the idea adding a new style too). I would wear this everyday as I already wear my wedding set everyday. It would have to be made custom.
    – A diamond tennis necklace from a local jeweler. This is not something I would wear *every* day but I would wear it quite often as I am someone who believes in using your nice things– but certain necklines are just not for necklaces. This piece is already made but with old mine diamonds, so it is “rare,” in that you don’t always find a full set like this.

    On the one hand, I would wear the ring everyday as I like to wear rings and feel they are more versatile – necklaces on the other hand can really depend on the outfit. As a result, I don’t wear necklaces everyday but feel like I would wear this one quite a lot (it is stunning!!) but maybe not every single day. But on the other hand, I may not see a necklace like this ever again and the ring can always be made another time. Although, since this is a splurge-y occasion, I won’t be in the market for something like this for a while longer. What would you do? Price is about the same for both pieces. I work at home mostly and in a field where it’s not unusual to see jewels and designer clothes, so neither of these items would be out of place in day-to-day life.

    1. I’d get the necklace.

       1. Me too! Sounds gorgeous!

       2. Same here.

    2. I personally would go with the ring, because I would wear nearly every day, but the necklace sounds really unique and it sounds like you are leaning that way based on your description. So maybe lean in!

    3. Necklace! Sounds special and like you are more excited about it

    4. Necklace. You are so enthused about this necklace! You might wear it less frequently, but you’re going to be so, so happy when you do.

    5. I would pick the necklace because you sound more excited about it!

    6. I’d personally go with the ring, but for you, the necklace since it sounds like that’s what you really want. Don’t worry about whether you’d wear either one every day—I find that kind of desire waxes and wanes over the years, and you can’t predict now what you will/won’t want in 10 or 20 years.

       1. +1

    7. In your situation, I’d get the ring. In fact, I did just that. What I love about it is that I get to see it every day as I use my hands. I got the most comfortable band I could (a repurposed men’s wedding band – they make these with comfort in mind!) and had it made especially to my preferences. I wear it every single day and feel naked without it.

       On the other hand, that’s just my preference. It sounds like you are really smitten with the necklace, so get that. But definitely go back someday for the ring.

    8. Ring. I feel like I’m choking whenever I wear a necklace.

    9. Necklace.

    10. Necklace based on you post, because you sound so much more in love with the necklace and it would be a story.

        Maybe think about which one you think you would regret not getting. Would the necklace be “the one who got away”, or would you be looking at your ring finger a little wistful?

        Could you, if you change your mind in three years, harvest two or three diamonds from the necklace by the clasp to make a ring later on?

13. Help! How do you get pleats out of a polyester skirt? Steam? I ordered a dress and was shocked and dismayed to find the skirt was pleated all around. It’s three days before the event I bought it for, and I *really* don’t want to go back to a store. The pleats don’t even look good with this style of dress.

    1. Lol what? No. If it’s a pleated dress you can’t get the pleats out. At all.

    2. You don’t, I’d imagine. If it’s meant to be pleated I doubt it will look good after trying to get them out.

    3. If you are talking intentional pleats, it may very well not be possible (because the polyester fabric could basically be melted into that shape).

       If instead you are talking shipping wrinkles, a steamer should do the trick.

       1. If I were talking about wrinkles, I’d say wrinkles. I know the difference. Don’t most people?!

          The photos do not reveal pleats; the description does not mention them. I had no idea there would be pleats. In fact, the photo looks great –skirt looks smooth. The pleats are just an unnecessary, silly touch. What a bummer.

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