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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 149 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Aimy A-Line Skirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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BCBG Max Azria Aimy Pleated Skirt | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. The Bloomingdale's Friends and Family family sale is on (almost sitewide!), and there are some great pieces, for great prices. I love the look of this BCBG skirt, which looks super sophisticated, graceful, and ladylike — while also looking sleek. It was $248, but comes down to $186 with code FRIENDS. BCBG Max Azria Aimy A-Line Skirt (Note if your size is sold out, both Saks and BCBG have the skirt in stock for $173-$248.) A couple of lower-priced options are here and here, and here's a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. Zelda

    For once I like the budget option just as much (if not more) than the more expensive version, and it’s available in my size. A-line skirts are a wardrobe staple for me, so I definitely stock up when I find a good one!

    • B

      How do you style A-line skirts for work? I have a very similar black wool A-line but am never sure what to wear with it.

      • E

        I like tucking a loose short sleeved v-neck, form fitting elbow length scoop neck, or sleeved shell. Always a heel.

      • Parker

        my favorite option is staunch men’s button down or a crewneck sweater – always adding a statement necklace

      • Zelda

        I style them similar to pencil skirts. You just have to be aware of the proportions. For example, shirts/sweaters should either be slim fitting, tucked in, or belted. Blazers should hit at the high hip (for lack of a better term). The key is to ensure that you have a slim line on top and/or a defined waistline.

  2. Parker

    I’m not a huge fan of ASOS’ ponte skirts. The fabric attracts a lot of lint and often adds bulk at the waist due to the double seam.

  3. Amnio

    I’m getting an amnio today. Anyone have any personal experience on what to expect during and after? Will I be able to handle working from home after?

    • Anonyc

      I’ve had two. I’d make sure you have someone with you to help you get home and to limit or possibly avoid walking for at least the rest of the day of the procedure. For my first one, especially, I felt a little crampy/pained for several and exhausted for about a day and a half. I’d recommend planning to spend the rest of that day, and possibly the next, on bed rest. My second was a little easier–possibly because the exhaustion actually came from stress/nerves and that wasn’t an issue second time around–but I still took it easy for the rest of the day. I was back to normal by evening of the next day. It can be a bit scary, so be kind to yourself. Good luck.

    • Coach Laura

      I wouldn’t have been able to handle working from home. As Anonyc says, the mental stress makes it harder than just the physical and I at least was worried about triggering a miscarriage, so I rested the remainder of the day and took it easy the next. Trust your medical staff – it’s a lot less scary than it seems at first.

  4. Shopaholic

    Has anyone tried the club monaco suits/suiting dresses? Can you comment on sizing/quality? There is a gorgeous suiting dress in both black and grey right now but the stores around me don’t seem to carry any of the suits. I’ve been looking for a grey dress for a couple years now and have a hard time finding something in a good quality fabric (I’m looking at you Jcrew).

    TIA!

    • Rural Juror

      I usually get one size up in dresses at CM vs what I would wear at JCrew. I would say the quality is similar, maybe slightly better than JCrew. Probably more like the JCrew of a few years ago. Hope that helps!

    • Bonnie

      The quality of CM suiting items is much better than that of J.Crew. I usually go up a size from J.Crew.

    • Shopaholic

      Perfect! Thanks ladies. I’m hoping this will be much better than the last dress I tried at J.Crew, which was apparently italian stretch wool and lined, and yet still SO clingy and cheap looking.

      • emeralds

        Late comment but I LOVE Club Monaco. I’ve never bought suiting there, but I have their basic t-shirt in multiple colors and think they have fantastic quality for the (on sale) price point.

  5. Lillian

    I am a sixth-year biglaw associate hoping to move to academic administration. I just saw a posting for what I think is the perfect job for me, at my alma mater, but they are looking for someone with nine years of relevant experience — whereas I have zero years of relevant experience but six years of very intensive work experience requiring very good organizational, management, prioritization, and communication skills. I am trying to decide whether to apply through the formal (online) channels and then separately look for an informational interview with someone with a JD who works at the school, or whether my applying would be laughable, and instead I should just reach out to the guy who presumably is doing the hiring (the person to whom the new hire would report) and say I would like to learn about administration in general, not mentioning the job opening. Any advice? Thanks in advance!

    • Anon

      Apply! Mention in your cover letter how your experience will translate to the new job. And then do the informational interview to get a better idea of the work and the culture there.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in academic administration and usually the requirements of relevant experience is pretty firm. People (particularly faculty) are often suspicious of hiring people from industry who do not understand the culture of academia. I would suggest doing an informational interview first and/or reach out to people you know at the school before applying.

      • emeralds

        +1. Working in academia requires a specific skill set and knolwedge base. And the culture, in my experience, is totally different from anywhere else that I’ve worked. I’m not as senior as the position you’d be applying to, and have only been involved in the hiring process for people comparable to or below my own experience level, but I know the hiring committees I’ve been on would side-eye someone with a JD and no directly relevant experience in higher ed. Not to say that making the transition can’t be done, but I don’t think a cold application is likely to get you the results you’re looking for.

    • Anony

      Keep in mind that a lot of these jobs are actually trailing spouse positions and, while advertised, not truly available.

    • Happy

      I see no harm in applying, but don’t be disappointed if you don’t get an interview.

      I don’t work in academic administration now (although I have), but I do work in an industry that is similar, insomuch that we get a lot of applications for positions because the job description looks interesting or doable by the applicant). When I did work in academic administration, we did tend to get a lot of applications from alum’s who felt that because they thought they could do the job and were alum’s that they were qualified. I’m sure that isn’t the case for you, but you may not get the due consideration you deserve because of this potential issues. I think it’s critical that you have a top notch cover letter making sure that you articulate that you understand the culture of academia. And, I also second the information interview suggested.

      However, with that said in both my current industry and my previous academic life, we required direct experience.

  6. Relocation q

    I could really use some advice this morning. DH and I have been considering trying to move from our very high COL city for some time. But I have a good job and until very recently he was happy with his. Now he’s interested in finding something new, so it might be a good time to make the move to the new city. But I’m very concerned about my prospects there. For various reasons I won’t get into, I would be best off trying to move to my company’s regional office in the new city. But I’m not sure whether/how to bring this up with my manager to see if it might be a possibility. Especially because I’m not 100% sure now is the right time to move. Would appreciate any thoughts/advice you might have.

    • Meg Murry

      Do you have to apply to open positions at the regional office, or do people just get (or ask) for a transfer there? Do you already have regular 1 on 1s with your manager? If so, you could mention it then, something like “we’re at a very preliminary stage, but we are exploring the possibility of moving to [area] and I was interested in how the process would go if we did pursue that route.” Up to you if you want to mention that your husband is looking for jobs there whether that would be ok or whether that would appear too much like you are taking a backseat to his career. If you have a compelling reason to move to [area] like its where you grew up, family lives or went to college, you could mention that too.

    • Bonnie

      I’d wait to see if your DH can find a job in new city first. If he starts getting interviews, then talk to your manager and simply say that you’re thinking of moving to new city for family reasons but would love to stay with the company and ask if it’s possible for you to move to new city’s office.

    • Walnut

      It depends on the relationship with your manager. I recently helped a direct report move to a regional office and it was a situation where we had to wait for an opening in that office. Direct report brought it up in a one on one, gave a rough timeline of “in the next year” and about four months later an opportunity came up.

      Critical things to this situation working was the the direct report produced excellent work and was already highly regarded. While losing the direct report was the worst possible scenario for me, it was clear that said person was an asset to the company and best kept within the organization.

      If your relationship with your boss is solid, I’d let them in on your thought process.

  7. DC apartments

    We’re moving to DC in June. Hoping to find a 3 bedroom or 2 bed + den in the city, in a managed building, close to the metro and kid friendly parks/playgrounds. I’ll be working in Southwest and hubby will be working in Rockville, so somewhere in northwest DC probably makes sense. I realize this will be pricey, but we’re coming from Manhattan so we know the deal. Any recommendations on a particular building?

    We’re considering these:

    http://www.equityapartments.com/washington-dc/washington-dc-apartments/georgetown/2400-m-apartments.aspx

    http://www.equityapartments.com/maryland/maryland-apartments/chevy-chase/wisconsin-place-apartments.aspx

    • Bonnie

      No experience with these buildings but Georgetown is a disaster for commuting and that area is more geared towards college students than families. Chevy Chase would probably be a better location for a family atmosphere and both of your commutes. The schools are better in Montgomery County as well.

      • SH

        I live in Chevy Chase DC and think it’s pretty cool. The schools are supposed to be excellent (no school-age kids, but that’s what I read), and it’s a really nice “neighborhood”-y neighborhood. Everyone I know who lives here has lived here for ages, which is a good sign. SO and I don’t want to leave.

        I work in Bethesda, and it takes 12 minutes to get to work. SO works in SW, and it takes him 30 minutes (he has an off-schedule so he doesn’t commute during rush hour).

    • L

      I wouldn’t recommend Georgetown solely because it will be hell to get back and forth. Are you metro only or will you have a car?

    • anon a mouse

      The 2400 building is beautiful but that location does not seem very kid-friendly at all. It’s very close to GW and there are only a handful of parks nearby. If you plan to have a car, it will be easier to get around to activities and things up in Chevy Chase.

    • cc

      I’d look more in the Van Ness/Tenley town/woodley park area. I think that would kind of be the midpoint for you

      • Lady Tetra

        +1 Tenleytown/Cathedral Heights is a lovely neighborhood, and there are some huge apartment buildings around there that could work. A bit far from metro, but the buses are convenient.

    • Anon.

      I just moved to DC about 4 months ago, and live in an Equity-managed property (not one of the ones you linked to) It’s still early, but I’ve been very pleased with the management – so far, they’ve been responsive to the few service requests we made (one was a problem with our heater on a super cold day – they had it fixed within an hour of the report, one was a light being out in the hall, which was fixed same day)

    • CountC

      Echoing what others have already said about the dreadful commuting in and around Georgetown and the kid friendliness of Chevy Chase.

      • DC apartments

        Thanks for the responses so far! Our kids are 2 and a newborn, so schools are not a concern right now (although we want our oldest in a private preschool). We will likely not be in this rental for more than 2 years.

        My husband will drive and I will take the metro. I agree that Georgetown will likely be impractical. We’re big city people, so I am a bit reluctant to live in Chevy Chase (although the area near Friendship Heights is pretty commercial, so not suburban at all). If anyone has other ideas on buildings in DC with 2 bed/den or 3 bedrooms, I’d love to hear them.

        Aside from renting from a managed building, what is the best way to rent an apartment in DC? Is Craigs list a good resource? Should we go through a rental agency?

        • CountC

          I would use a real estate agent. Drew Hopley with The Donovan Home Team is excellent www dot donovanhometeam dot com and drew at donovanteam dot com. Renters do not pay a fee to use a real estate agent, so there’s no harm there. I have helped renters find properties listed both on and off the MLS, and Drew can as well.

        • roses

          Craigslist is a good resource, but I second the recommendation to get in touch with a real estate agent. They often manage properties that they have sold to others as rentals, or even in some cases when the owners are temporarily not living there.

        • L in DC

          I would not rent from a managed building in DC. The price differential is shocking between managed buildings vs. renting a condo from an owner via Craigslist, and I’ve found individual owners to be much more responsive about repairs, issues, etc. than management companies. I think the real estate agent route could be a good medium where you can essentially outsource the work that you would otherwise be doing on Craigslist.

        • Bonnie

          Also look at militarybyowner dot com. They’re rentals generally posted by active duty members not stationed where they own property. If you select Virginia and Fort Myers as the base, the search will focus on NOVA.

        • Trixie

          Please look at any of the areas along the metro Red line, rather than Georgetown.While not Manhattan (nothing is!), you will not be in the burbs— plenty of restaurants, shopping, parks and other urban parents nearby. Plus, the National Zoo…which will be a focal point for easy stuff to do with your kids. That said, you may want to consider Bethesda, too — there’s a great preschool/daycare at the metro stop & tons to do, eat & play — and you’d both be an easy commute.

  8. nutella

    I recall this being a question at one point in the past, but per usual, can’t find it searching.

    (1) Those of you who have married or been engaged, when did you know your Partner was The One?

    (2) For those of you who divorced or broke off engagements, how did it happen? Presumably, before the marriage, you thought Partner was the One, too. Would you advise your younger self differently?

    I realize these may not make for concise answers, but this is a forum of people who like to give advice, so I’m curious!

    • roses

      I’m married. I think there came a point in time where I just couldn’t imagine my future without my now-husband. I felt like my life was happier and richer with him in it than without him, even when we argued/I became annoyed with him about things.

      • 2 Cents

        +1 to everything above. Also married (happily). It clicked for us after about 7 months of dating. Wanted all the same things out of life and couldn’t imagine a future without the other.

        That said, I don’t really believe in a mythical “The One.” My hubs just gets me better than anyone else I’d ever met, family included.

    • CPA Lady

      I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, I’m happily married, but I have never thought that he’s “The One”. I think that thinking that there is One Special Person out there for you puts a ton of pressure on relationships. I’m a pretty laid back person and I think I could have been happy with any number of different people. I guess I think that there is no such thing as The One, but more a concept of The One You Make It Work With.

      I did date several other people and just more knew that there were things about them that I would not want to live with in the long term. I suppose my husband did not have any negative qualities strong enough to outweigh his positives. Romantic, right?

      Then again, I have a pretty pragmatic idea of what marriage is– you can have a marriage based on anything (love, looks, politics, etc.), as long as you’re on the same page about it. For example, I have a pair of friends that seem to be married because they look good in public together and they both need that for their careers. But it works for them, because that’s their agreement.

      • caf

        I’ve asked this question before on this board, and now I’m married. I definitely agree with CPA lady.

        For me, it came down to a perfect storm of three factors, even though my husband and I had dated for many years previously: 1) being together day to day > not being together; 2) I could see this working and growing in the future (similar goals, ability to communicate, etc.); and 3) I decided I wanted to be married and let go of any anxiety re: commitment (realizing the first 2 things helped a lot with the anxiety).

        It took some time and space apart from each other for me to realize this stuff before we actually got married, and I definitely didn’t feel all three of the things throughout the entire relationship. Sometimes I would get nervous that I didn’t “always know from day 1” or I would have some kind of FOMO re: other fish in the sea, but those worries faded when I decided to commit, and I am now very happily married.

        I will also add re: Sr Atty comment below – I didn’t always think my relationship was easy. But, I always saw enough potential and worked through crap (w/ counseling), and by the time I decided to get married, it was easy.

      • cbackson

        My parents have been very happily married for 48 years (seriously, they are, like, those embarrassing adorably cute parents that still actively would rather hang out with each other than anyone else). My mom once told me that my dad is not her soul mate – potentially, there could have been a person who was more of a match for her – but that you don’t need a soul mate/the one/etc. to have an amazing marriage. It’s the relationship that has to be right, not the person (although those are related concepts).

      • SoCalAtty

        I think I agree with this too. Mine is a little bit of a weird one…we’ve been together since I was 16, just after the end of my Sophomore year in HS. He was 18, had graduated, but had known each other for a year before we started dating. We dated for 2 years before I went off to college, and he decided to go with me. I already knew I was headed to law school, and made it really clear that I didn’t want to plan a wedding before I passed the bar exam (I watched friends do it, and it was great for them, but not for me). We lived together all 4 years of undergrad (he started out wanting to be an engineer, but realized office life wasn’t for him and started his own electrical contracting business).

        We went through some ugly stuff together…my grandmother (that raised me) dying, then my mom right after, then another grandparent, then his dad had a horrible accident that left him vegetative. We figured…if we could make it through that…and still would rather hang out with each other more than anyone else, no matter how “mad” we were at each other (I put that in quotes because my husband’s super power is that I can’t stay mad at him, no matter how much I want to), then it was probably right!

        I graduated law school in 2006, we got married in 2007….exactly 10 years (to the day) we started dating.

        Also wanted to add: We have the same likes in activities, same political attitudes…we just fit really well together. We’re also always up for whatever crazy thing the other is suggesting – with me it is horses, with husband it was road cycling, and then we both got into shooting. Always up for a challenge!

        • Anonymous

          Haha, this is so me and my SO. I’m a 3L, he already graduated and started his career. We’re getting engaged soon and planning on getting married on our 10th anniversary next May.

    • tesyaa

      I can’t speak for myself, but with a close friend whose marriage didn’t work out, she really didn’t ever have the feeling that he was The One. She hoped he was The One, but always had reservations.

      That being said, people change after marriage – the person who is The One may change for the worse, or unexpected life circumstances can throw a wrench into even a strong relationship. You can’t foresee every pitfall in life, but a partner needs to be accepting, flexible (as opposed to rigid), caring and respectful.

    • anon

      I broke off my engagement. I finally reached a breaking point where I let myself fully consider something I’d known for a really long time — that he was never going to be able to give as much as a relationship requires. We weren’t muddling through some brief (or even lengthy) period; this was already our real, actual life. I thought it took a strong person like me to match with a person who so obviously needed to focus on his own issues, and that if I could just stick it out, we’d both be so much better and stronger and closer for it in the end. Instead, there was no end. I was just being taken for granted and taken advantage of, even if he didn’t mean to. I know he loves me (still: he tells me), but he’s never been able to manifest his feelings as everyday, important, “how was your day?” love, nevermind the big stuff.

      I still care about him very much, but I would advise my younger self to stop hanging on so hard, waiting for him to actualize into The One he could be.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’ve been married and divorced twice. Both relationships were pretty challenging from the get-go, and got more challenging as time went by. I think my big takeaway from that (and a lot of therapy) is that, generally, relationships should be easy. Not that life is easy — there are always going to be challenges and curve balls, but the relationship itself should be, generally and on a moment-by-moment and day-to-day basis, easy. As in, you’re comfortable around one another, you’re able to work out your issues and live with the issues you can’t work out (and every couple has unsolvable issues), and generally you treat one another in a kind and considerate manner at all times.

      I feel like marriage is like tennis: you need to be playing doubles as a team, rather than playing singles as opponents.

      • Baconpancakes

        I think the advice that “relationships should be easy,” along with “know your office,” are two of the best pieces of advice I’ve taken from this site.

      • nutella

        So well said, Senior Attorney! My sister always told me — for years — that exact advice, that dating should be easy. Life can be tough: mortgages, job loss, sick elderly parents, kid’s college education, the list goes on! and that relationships should be the easy part because you’ll want to go through these things together. That, and that you and your significant other need to always choose each other and be on the same team.

        Hearing it so many times throughout the years and I thought “this is easy!” and she’d say, “no, you’ll know it when you see it.” Now I have it and in hindsight I can see all the headaches those relationships caused that I thought were easy.

        Thank you for sharing your insight!

        • JJ

          Your quote “That, and that you and your significant other need to always choose each other and be on the same team.” is dead on. I knew my husband (of 10 years) was the one when I realized that he basically always put my/our happiness before his and that I wanted to do the same. And that when hard times occurred, I knew that he would support me. Marriage is hard, life is hard, parenting is hard, but our relationship is easy.

          • Anon

            +1 I can be a bit selfish at times and my husband goes out of his way every day to make my life easier and puts my happiness above his. The real clincher for me was when I realized I want to do the same for him.

      • D. Meagle

        +1

        Relationships should be easy. Yes you have to work on it/maintain it, but if every day is a struggle, no amount of work or maintenance is going to help. Speaking from experience.

      • SoCalAtty

        Ooooh I like this thought that every couple has unsolvable issues! Once I really figured out what ours were (cleaning and money management), I was able to figure out that those are totally outsource-able. Seriously, hiring an accountant / bookkeeper and a cleaning service probably saved our marriage. (By money management, I mean keeping track of accounts receivable / payable and making sure taxes are filed on time, not some kind of spending problem. He’s just not an organized person, which can cause BIG HAIRY PROBLEMS when you are running your own business.)

      • Scandia

        Thank you for this. I think that a lot of trouble people face in relationsships comes from the idea, that for it to be the love there has to be a lot of drama. I once was certain that someone was “The One”. I was so committed, over heels in love, so desperately in love , that I did not realise how unhappy I was.

        I have been with my husbond in a strong and loving relationship for more than 20 years. Not without arguing and problems, but we care very deeply for eachother. I do not mean to sound smug, the point is, that when we meet I agonized over it. I could not believe, this was love, when everything was so easy and being together came so natural. I almost wrecked our relationship, because of this idea of The One.

    • Toffee

      I’m coming up on my 10 year anniversary. We met nearly 13 years ago. I knew DH was the one within a week. But I think it was easier when I was 20 and not at all jaded. We’ve had plenty of bad periods where we could have divorced. But we’re both stubborn aholes, so we somehow stuck it out. Now, I see that for every downtime, there has been uptimes. I came to realize that and it has made the bad times not so bad. If we didn’t have the good times, we would divorce. If it gets bad enough that you can’t see the good times behind you and ahead of you, that’s the time to end it. Even if we get to that, I don’t think I’ll regret these years with him.

      • Scarlett

        I knew in a week too, and so did my fiancée – we met at 40+ and we were both jaded and a little cynical too, so it can happen later. I’ll echo Senior Attorney – it’s just easy and instantly comfortable. I felt like I knew him all my life when we met. And it was completely mutual – that’s more important than I realized. We are both on the exact same page. Not being there is a cute plot on the Mindy Project, but no fun in real life.

        • TBK

          Yes! In every other relationship (or semi-relationship — I was the queen of the non-committed relationship) there was so much DRAMA. I was always wondering if he was really into me, the guys always seemed hot and cold, there was always some excuse for the relationship being “complicated.” When I met Mr. TBK, he was just there. We met, he liked me, we went on a few dates, we had the exclusivity talk, we were a couple and it was all natural and non-stressful. We had fun grocery shopping together. I liked just watching TV on the couch with him. And so then we thought we’d get married. I’ve seen this with friends, too. They’ll have a drama-filled dating life and then they suddenly meet someone and there’s zero drama. They’re usually engaged to Mr No-Drama within a year. It’s not always easy and it’s not like I never had doubts (or that I don’t still have them sometimes) but overall it’s really just the lack of any reasons *not* to be together that makes it clear we just work.

          • January

            Ha, I have observed this phenomenon so many times in my life. (Not there yet myself, I’m afraid).

    • layered bob

      Married 5 years, together for 8.

      I don’t believe in “The One” – when you decide to marry someone you commit to making him/her your “one” (if monogamy is a term of your agreement).

      After dating him for a few years, having some big fights/disagreements, and talking out every possible life issue we could think of (and then watching to be sure that his day-to-day behavior matched with his stated values/goals), I basically decided that
      a) I wanted to get married at some point – family and (eventually) children were pieces of life I wanted to experience,
      b) he checked all my non-negotiable boxes (religion, education, approach to money, respect for women, etc.)
      c) he was attractive and funny and generally a good time
      d) if his bad characteristics never improved and his good characteristics deteriorated with time, I would still be comfortable with him
      e) whatever s h 1 t was bound to happen in life, I’d rather do it with him than by myself or with someone else.

      So there might be someone “better” out there but… so what? This is pretty good and fun and generally pleasant so I went with it. Great decision. We’ve been through some stuff that probably could have ended in divorce if we weren’t on the same page with our commitment to our marriage, so I’m fairly confident he’ll be my “one” for a good long time.

    • MNF

      +1 Senior Atty et al.

      Also, the first time my mom had dinner with my (now) husband she knew he was “the one,” she couldn’t explain it – but it was something about the way we were together. I’m not saying that your mom will know, but whoever is your person before you meet your husband, (sister, friend, dad, etc.), they’ll know.

    • Anonattorney

      I met my husband 9 years ago. I fell for him harder than I’d fallen for anyone else, ever. But I didn’t think he was the “One” for marriage until I started getting a better idea of what I wanted out of my life. Once I knew myself and my own goals better, I realized that he was a great partner for me because his own goals aligned with mine. For example:
      1) He always supported my career and praised my ambition. He never was intimidated or bothered by the fact that I was going to make more money than him.
      2) He always worked hard on his own career goals.
      3) He was frugal and responsible.
      4) He made me a better person – more organized, nicer, more thoughtful.
      5) He really wanted kids and would make a great father.

      I figured I was ready to marry him when I realized that all those character traits made him a great partner for me. It also has always been pretty easy. We don’t fight really, and if we do it’s a conversation, not a yelling match. We genuinely like doing nice things for each other. We enjoy spending time together. Anyway, that’s how I knew.

    • Anon

      I just didn’t know my husband was the one because it was an arranged marriage. My parents introduced us and we met a couple of times over six months as we were on the opposite coasts and used to talk over phone before deciding to get married. So I never knew him very well, I just tried to know the things that were very important to me.

      I was in a very bad relationship and been in therapy for couple years to recover from the trauma before I met my husband and that pretty much helped me to understand myself better and know what are the most important things to me in a relationship. The most important thing was I didn’t want to be in a controlling relationship and I needed space/time even though I was married to some person. I didn’t want my husband to dictate how I should be and what I should do. So I just tried to know if he was a control freak. Everything else became secondary.

      Now, I have been married for four years. Marrying him has turned out to be the best decision in my life. He has never pressured me for anything till now and I see him going out of the way to make me feel comfortable. It was never difficult for me to be around him. We have faced many difficulties like job loss, parent’s illness, many familial problems, but he has been a constant support to me. When I was newly married, I was very calculative about how much I am going to give to this relationship because I was just not sure what kind of relationship I was in. Any small things he says or does would set off alarm bells and I would start thinking that he was trying to control me. I was fiercely territorial, so I was just extremely nervous when he moved in with me. But now, giving to this relationship comes naturally for me. I miss him so much when he goes in business trips that I cannot wait to see him. We have built up trust and grown closer with the passing of time.

      And when did I know I had to get out of a bad relationship? I was weeping non stop after Mumbai terrorist attacks of 2008 and the guy got very irritated and yelled at me that the police who died signed up for it. They would have definitely read and signed the forms which said there was a risk of death in those jobs and still they took those jobs. So there is nothing to feel sad about. That was the last straw…

      • 2 Cents

        To your last paragraph: WOW. Glad you got away from that person! He sounds like “empathy” is a four-letter word for him.

    • L

      I knew my guy was the one when I never wanted him to leave. I’m pretty introverted, and I’ve always been extremely protective of my privacy in past relationships. But with him, him being with me has never made me conscious of another person being with me where I felt like I needed to retreat at all – it just felt like I was always exactly where I was supposed to be. His presence is calming for me. And he didn’t mind that I ate chocolate out of the freezer at midnight or watched embarrassing TV shows, he just does those things with me now.

      Smaller but equally important, doing everyday things like grocery shopping together is fun, and things are just kind of easy.

    • Other

      In addition to the responses above, I “luckily” was dating my husband during a period wherein one of his close family members was given a truly catastrophic and ultimately fatal diagnosis. Seeing my husband navigate the situation helped me to appreciate his ability to handle trauma/loss. Recognizing that life is long, and tragedy/conflict is almost certainly part of everyone’s story, it helped me feel confident that he can be a real partner during the sad, as well as the happy, parts of life.

    • cbackson

      I’m divorced, and I definitely thought my ex-husband was the hearts, stars, and flowers, capital-O One. It is the case that you don’t always know how you will grow and change after marriage, and sometimes that growth and those changes are fundamentally incompatible with remaining married to your spouse. I am a firm believer that all marriages go through ups and downs, and most are survivable in a healthy relationship. But it is also true that if one partner’s self-concept changes in foundational ways, that may not be a survivable event. Ultimately, my ex-husband was going through a process of self-understanding and self-discovery that took him to a place where it was no longer possible for us to remain married, and no amount of counseling, tolerance, love, etc. could have bridged that critical gap.

  9. Boyfriend cardigans?

    I recently took a survey of my closet and realized that I own quite a lot of boyfriend cardigans, which I like alright with casual clothes. Problem is, I’m quite short-waisted and a slim pear, so I’m starting to find that they always make my work clothes look frumpy and I look better in something shorter or even slightly cropped. Should I just donate them, or does anyone have any brilliant work-appropriate styling recs?

    TIA!

    • Shopaholic

      Belt them! Around your natural waist. And make sure everything else you’re wearing is tailored i.e. pencil skirt or straight/skinny pants.

      • tesyaa

        I have the same build as the OP and I find belting long sweaters emphasizes my hips, while leavingthem open just makes me look big all over. If they look good for casual, would they look good with very skinny pants that are otherwise work-appropriate?

        • Baconpancakes

          This is the only way I can wear them as well. Unfortunately, I’ve given up on boyfriend cardigans all together, and moved to open cardigans if I want something long and snuggly. That looks ok, because it creates a nice column in the middle that doesn’t emphasize my tuchus except from the rear, and there’s just no getting around that, so I don’t bother.

          • Mpls

            Why can’t you wear the boyfriend cardigans the same way (open, without buttoning)?

          • Baconpancakes

            They have a V-neck, which doesn’t create the long column, but just makes my bust look droopy, and the reason open cardigans work is because they usually have a double edge, emphasizing the vertical line. It might work if you had a very structured boyfriend cardigan, but the buttons would also break up the visual line.

        • OP

          Yes, I agree with tesyaa — I so wish I could belt them, Shopaholic, but that does emphasize my hips. I like the very skinny pants suggestion, as the casual look I like is with skinny jeans. I have been wanting some slim-leg suiting pants anyway; I’ll have to start the hunt!

    • roses

      To go the opposite of shopaholic – you can button them up and tuck them in to a fuller skirt and add a belt too.

    • AIMS

      I find that my bf cardigans tend to look very frumpy with most of my work skirts and dresses but look cute with work pants if the shirt if tucked in.

    • la vie en bleu

      but if you have that many and you aren’t wearing all of them, you could sell/consign some of them and get new cardigans you like better?

  10. Paging Batgirl

    Saw your post about moving back to NoVA and costs. If you want a local to talk to, post an email address and I will message you. My tl;dr version is DC is expensive and you can easily spend as much as you are in NYC. Better schools. Worse commute.

    • Batgirl

      Thanks for reaching back out. I definitely realize that area is more expensive than most, but it can’t be as expensive as NYC–or at the very least, you get much more for your money than you do in NYC. My friends just sold their (very nice) one bedroom in Park Slope, Brooklyn for over $750K. I really can’t see paying that for an apartment in NOVA.

      I guess what I mean is, I’m okay with paying the same as what I’d pay in NYC to live down there and have access to that job market (which is great for my field) but if I’m dropping $750K (just a hypo, I can’t really see us affording that right now), I want a house, not an apartment with mediocre schools that our kids have to enter a lottery to attend.

      But thanks so much for your thoughts on this–and to everyone who posted yesterday (my question was about trying to find a good neighborhood in NOVA that would scratch our city itch but still give us some space, more affordable housing options, and a non-nightmare commute into DC–perhaps a unicorn!).

      • L

        I just think it’s about tradeoffs. I’m in the middle of looking at houses/neighborhoods and work in the downtown/Farragut side and its tough. You’re basically always going to have a 30 minute door to door commute in, unless you live right by where you work (metro has gotten that bad and so has traffic) or have alternate work hours. That said, I’ll do my usual Alexandria/Pentagon City plug, but I think would be a good fit for you in terms of desired ‘feel’ and commute and depending on your taste/price.

        • Anonymous

          +1 on Pentagon/Crystal City, and I’d throw in Del Ray, VA. Lovely neighborhood, great for families, and if you live in the south end you’re within a 15 minute walk to yellow and blue lines (Braddock Road stop).

      • la vie en bleu

        the housing might not be quite as expensive, but everything else is. plus the costs of cars and commuting and other costs you don’t have in NYC. but you don’t have to pay for private schools. but daycare is also crazy if your kids aren’t school age yet. just nudging you to think about all of your costs so you know what trade offs you are making. but I know that being close to your family is also a huge benefit. I hope it all works out!

        • Batgirl

          Thanks, I appreciate it. Housing is a bit part of it for us–and being closer to family. But yes, I hate hoe expensive it is down there, too.

    • Brunchaholic

      If I’m not mistaken, you’re looking for a place that:
      1. Has a 30 minute commute to downtown DC
      2. Is close to your parents in Reston
      3. Still has a city feel
      4. Is cheap enough in comparison to NYC that it’s justifiable to move

      Okay I’m not sure that a place like that exists with your location parameters alone. That “city feel” absolutely goes mostly away the second you cross the Potomac, and the neighborhoods with the most direct access to the city (Arlington, McLean, Old Town) are pricey (clearly not by coincidence). Location-wise I think McLean makes the most sense- it’s an easy 20 minutes to Reston and a decently easy commute into DC (but let’s be honest, that’s still 45 minutes driving with traffic). But it’s pretty suburban and housing is definitely pricey (albeit more for your money than NYC).

      I think you have to figure out which of your requirements you’re most okay giving on. If you care most about the location, then McLean/Falls Church makes a lot of sense (even further out by Reston if you really want some sprawling space). But if you know that you’ll yearn for a city feel, then I think Old Town fits a lot of what you’re looking for, as might Arlington or Cap Hill or Petworth as city options.

      • Batgirl

        Thanks, this is great.

        I wouldn’t go so far as to say those four things are my must-haves–they’re more like competing priorities. If I’m going to be very far from the Reston area, I’d like it to be for a better commute and/or features that will scratch the city itch (though I’m ready to move out of a city–just still want some non-chain stores and restaurants thrown in the mix and like the idea of being able to walk to some things, even if it’s a long walk).

        As for cost, I would be okay with us spending the same as we do now if it meant more space. I just don’t see NYC as doable for us from a long term perspective since it’d be hard to be able to afford a big enough place for a family of four that is also near decent public schools and within a one hour commute of work.

        In terms of how close I’d want to be to Reston, I’d like to be within about a 30 min drive, but that’s flexible. The only real reason I even need it to be that close is because we are hoping to have children soon and think it would be helpful to have closer access to my family for childcare emergencies and possibly some daycare. If Alexandria were more affordable, I’d love to buy a townhouse or house there. Best of both worlds. But I don’t think we can afford to do that right now so I’m looking for similar options that may be less well known or that hit some but not all of those marks.

        Thanks again–didn’t intend for this to be a two-day post but I appreciate all the thoughtful responses!

        • Jumpingjack

          I put in a vote for Courthouse (Arlington). It’s three stops from DC and within 30 minutes of Reston. Everything you need is within a 10 minute walk (Safeway, Whole Foods, CVS, Farmer’s Market, coffee shops, tons of restaurants and bars). It’s a little of a quieter, less party atmosphere than Clarendon. It’s also very easy to drive around there (you can get to the Target in Falls Church in 8 minutes). And the best tacos in the DC area are from a truck that parks in that neighborhood.
          I used to live in the Odyssey (2001 15th St N). I absolutely loved the building. The staff is fantastic, it’s well built (I couldn’t hear any sound from adjoining units), and has a pool, fantastic gym, and party rooms on the roof. It’s condos, but there are plenty of renters. Two bedrooms rent for around $3200 and up (and sell for $650k and up).

        • Liz

          Also, try Ballston. Much cheaper than NYC, even in the fancy new apartment complexes – we have a very nice 1BR for $1800/mo and we could have gone cheaper. A few stops out from Courthouse, but they’re short stops. Plus anywhere in Arlington will still be on the same metro line as Reston (silver).

  11. anon for this

    I have two nephews and one niece who are mid-teenagers. They never say thank you for birthday or Christmas gifts, and it’s getting really awkward and kind of hurtful. I’m not talking about a written thank you. I mean a verbal “thank you.” Nothing. They open the gifts, look at them, shrug, and cast them aside.

    Background: They are very, very spoiled products of a bitter divorce. Their parents are both with new partners and spend insanely on them (all the newest iPhones/Macbooks), and they have made snotty comments about how I (a 30something woman who supports herself) don’t have the latest Apple gear and theirs is cooler. Needless to say, they have no concept of money or the value of a dollar. So nothing I get them is going to measure up to Mom and Dad’s latest splurge-y tech gadget.

    I realize this is more their parents’ fault than theirs, to a point, but now they’re old enough where it seems like they should know better. But it doesn’t feel like it’s my place to say something like, “Hey, A, a “thank you” would be nice.” What should I do? What would you do?

    • tesyaa

      If you’re local, how about taking them on something experiential instead of buying gifts – like a show or day trip? Bonus is that it would also give you a chance to spend time with them. They probably have a need for someone to listen; it sounds like the parents aren’t doing that. Forget about the thank yous for the moment (and forget your hurt feelings over their snotty comments), and focus on building a relationship (if possible).

      • anon for this

        You’re totally right, and I have done this. It’s much better when I get them away from everyone else. They do seem to want to open up when they’re in a different environment. But the opening of the gift (even if it’s just a card mentioning what we’re going to do on a specific outing) just feels hurtful when they always act uninterested. Now that I reread, I’m probably taking this way too personally… you’ve given me something to think about!

    • mascot

      I would call them out on the lack of social niceties. In this case, I wouldn’t have an issue if my sibling/sibling’s spouse corrected my child’s behavior.

    • Toffee

      I could have written this post except mine are 4, 8, and 11. I used to give awesome gifts, but have started giving thoughtless $25 presents since they don’t seem to care what I give them. When they complain, I shrug and ignore. I would give cash, but my brother takes their cash and claims to put it in savings but actually spends it on household items. Sucks, but what else could I do? I haven’t had any time off b years to do experience type of things with them.

    • Baconpancakes

      This is one of those situations where you have to remember that teenagers are a**holes, and just move past it.

      Stop giving them gifts for a bit, or give them token gift cards to iTunes or something, and then once they start being real humans again, probably around college, see if they’re ready to start building a relationship.

      • nutella

        +1 hahaha, so true. Also, I stopped receiving gifts from aunts and uncles around my teens anyway, although I remember at that point being glad because people never know what to give teens — I remember it being a lot of either clothes that weren’t fun enough or … I kid you not… Barbies.

      • Sacha

        This. My teenage mentee was great from about 12-15 and then became (seemingly) utterly ungrateful right when I was making more and more investments in her. But then around 18 she went back to being very grateful, seeking me out rather than the other way around, reflecting back what she learned during those ungrateful years, and acknowledging that she learned from me/benefitted from my presence in her life.

    • Anonymous

      I think you should absolutely just say “hey! A thank you would be nice!”

      • Senior Attorney

        +1

        I think you would be doing them a favor. Somebody needs to teach them some manners if their parents can’t be bothered to do so.

        • TBK

          +1 Poor kids. I think it’s totally acceptable for an aunt to correct manners. I wouldn’t take their non-response personally. Even teenagers in good family situations can be mumbly and non-interactive, but kids who’ve gone through the emotional wringer are likely acting out (I’ve seen it in my own family). Being present and engaged with them, including caring enough about them to care that they have good manners (because of the bad consequences for them in life if they don’t), could mean a lot, even if they don’t say so now.

          • anon

            This.

            I have a 12-year-old nephew whose parents let him run wild and act obnoxiously rude. At family gatherings I do not hesitate to remind him to behave himself and show respect to his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and adult cousins. And when he is at my house, I expect him to follow my rules. Sometimes it seems like he is more likely to obey me than his own parents; I don’t know whether it’s because he doesn’t respect his parents, or just because it it is more embarrassing to have his behavior corrected by his aunt.

            With this age group a lighthearted reminder such as “Hey, do I get a thank-you?” is a good starting point. But with my nephew, sometimes more firmness is required.

    • Anon

      I would give them a not so subtle commentary on their consumerism like a book by Marx, but that’s just me.

    • Anon

      Why not stop giving them gifts? They clearly don’t need whatever it is you’re giving them, and since they don’t have the grace to pretend they’re thrilled and say thank you, then why bother?

  12. Toffee

    I know I’ve seen individual short term disability policies that cover maternity leave discussed here and I hope someone can point me to one. I called Aflac and Met life yesterday but both said they don’t offer disability policies at all even though their websites say they do. I called the numbers on the websites. Anyone have alternative contacts for these companies or other companies I may call to get an estimate? My new company is considering paying for the policy, but I can’t even get a quote.

    Also, (warning, rant ahead) why can’t we pay California taxes and have me covered under EDD since I’m teleworking for a California company? Grr. I wish state disability policies similar to California were common everywhere.

    • mascot

      Try Colonial Life for an individual STD policy. I haven’t ever used mine, but I have one through them.

    • aflac

      Toffee – I have Aflac but I think they only offer STD through employers or maybe through independent insurance agents. Perhaps ask your husband to ask his HR department if it’s available to him.

      Northwestern Mutual used to offer STD but not sure if they still do.

  13. Question

    SO and I bought a plot at a community garden. We’re so excited, but we are absolute gardening novices. Any ideas on where to start? Our only idea so far is to talk to the people at Home Depot. Any help would be appreciated!

    • Toffee

      What zone are you in? Southern Living has great advice for many zones, so check there if you’re in 7 or 8 (maybe others, too).

        • lsw

          If you are in 6b, my best advice as a fellow cold-weather gardener is DON’T plant your veggie seedlings too early! Usually after Memorial Day is safest. Also, if you buy seedlings, “harden them off” first – which means letting them sit out in the sun for a few hours, then take them inside overnight. Do this for a few days before planting them. This way they won’t get burned in the sun or wilted overnight from the cold.

      • la vie en bleu

        +1000 for local nursery! also you can go by the garden on a weekend and talk to your plot neighbors, I’m sure they would love to help you!

      • Anonymous

        + 1000. If you dont have a local nursery near you the next best thing would be a seed catalogue specializing in varieties for your climate. For example, Territorial Seed has awesome options for the pacific northwest and coastal northern cal. There are also regional how to guides. Veggie gardening west of the cascades, and golden gate gardening cover the two regions I mentioned above.

        • Mpls

          +1 Know your region. What grows well in Florida will likely not grow as well in North Dakota. Or it will, but you need to know not to put it in the ground until early June and the danger of frost has passed.

        • SoCalAtty

          This! Local nurseries are fantastic, especially when you are just starting out. Figure out which zone you are in, and maybe take a look at some seed catalogs to see what you would like to grow.

          Grow what you like to eat – sometimes I grow things just to see if I can, and then have too much left over.

          I would not suggest starting from seed for your first season, but catalogs are fun to plan with. Find a great local place, or Home Depot if that’s really all you have, and get starters. I’ll second Baconpancakes rec for Square Foot Gardening. I picked out some of their concepts I really liked, and used those.

    • Baconpancakes

      For a general resource, I recommend the book Square Foot Gardening, even if you don’t drink the whole raised bed, utilitarian-only kool-aid. The other book I recommend to new gardeners is Carrots Love Tomatoes. Does your community garden have advisers or a “welcome committee?” Your fellow gardeners will be your best resource. Find a local garden store to purchase a couple of things from- they’ll be a little more expensive than Home Depot, but will be more helpful in advising you on actually growing things. Buy bulk soil amendments at Home Depot still, no sense in throwing away money. Otherwise, I’ve found the gardenweb forum to be very helpful, with lots of good zone and regional information.

      For general advice on where you start, you should be clearing out your plot this weekend. Make sure it’s tilled well, and feels nice to put your hands in, like you imagine freshly turned dirt should feel. Start with making the soil look and feel good: http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/garden/07235.html

      For plants, if your area is out of the danger of frost, start with direct-seed lettuces, radishes, green beans, cucumbers, beets (they have the COOLEST seeds – like spiky little globes), summer squash, and spinach. If you can/want to buy seedlings at the Home Depot or local garden store, I’d suggest trying that with a couple of plants, so that you can get your vegetables faster this first year. I’m also a fan of mixing herbs and flowers into the plot. Herbs will keep growing and staying pretty after the harvest, and they make dishes so much better.

      Don’t plant your entire plot at once! Figure out what kinds of things you want to eat, when they’re supposed to be planted, and make a chart with the “time to maturity” that arranges the harvest so you don’t get 50 radishes in one week, and none for the rest of the summer. Work backwards to figure out when to plant what.

      Use mulch! Mulch keeps down weeds and keeps water in the soil. Many places recommend wet newspaper, and it works really well, but I think it’s pretty ugly. I prefer straw. Much prettier, although it can blow away. Any particular questions, let me know. I’ve been gardening since before I could walk.

      • Meg Murry

        +1 to Square Foot Gardening and Carrots Love Tomatoes
        However, one of the newer editions in Square Foot Gardening goes into crazy detail about making your own potting soil from a mix of 10 different materials. Its completely unnecessary – just use dirt, or ask the other garden plot people whether they mix anything into the provided soil. But the overall instructions about how to fit plants together to get the most out of your plot are good advice.

        Call whoever you rented the space from and ask who to talk to. Chances are there are some really enthusiastic gardeners who got the whole thing going that will be more than happy to talk to newbies about what to plant, when to plant it, and help in identifying why your plants look funny or what bug is eating them.

        Have fun!

        • Baconpancakes

          Yeah, I have a super old edition, and when I picked up a friend’s copy of a the newer one, I was turned off by the artificiality of his dictates. Very strict and very scientific and not very fun. But he does tell you how to garden, how much space plants need, which to stake, how to do crop rotation, and how to plant only what you’re going to want to eat. If you can get an old edition on amazon, I’d recommend that.

    • SilverSpringWanderer

      Your state has a USDA extension service through its land grant university. The extension service often has wonderful information for gardening including planting calendars and what grows well for where you live. Sometimes the websites require a little bit of digging through. They also usually run the state’s Master Gardener program, which will have events where you can talk to people who are Master Gardeners.

      As an example, here is Maryland’s: https://extension.umd.edu/hgic

      Also, if the website for your state is terrible, if you are in the east (where states are small), a the extension service in neighboring state with a similar climate might have a better website.

      In addition, if you can find a non-big box nursery, the staff there are often a good resource.

      • Philanthropy Girl

        +1 for county extension offices and Master Gardeners. They have a ton of great resources, are well versed in local soil types, best growing crops, and later in the season will be helpful with possible disease or insect issues. They can also do a soil sample test of your garden plot to tell if you need amendments to your soil.

    • MJ

      Where do you live? Sunset’s Western Garden Book is the holy grail. They have a whole series of books which are not western-specific on things like container gardening, beds, tomatoes, etc.

      Also, the library should have beginning garden books.

      I learned a lot from reading seed catalogs too, particularly Park Seed Co.

      Don’t underestimate the value of looking around and seeing what grows well in your area. Usually if it already grows for someone else, it will grow for you!

    • lsw

      Ooooo, one of my favorite topics! Definitely google your region as step 1. And I agree with virtually everyone – do NOT go to the big box store, and instead find a local nursery. They will be much more knowledgeable and anything you buy there will do so much better! (HD and Lowe’s plants are not great quality and it can be really depressing to a first-time gardener.)

      Don’t be afraid of killing stuff – I’ve been gardening for years and I still kill plants and can’t figure it out sometimes.

      Related note – just try stuff out! You learn best by doing. But really read labels regarding sun/shade needs, what grows well in your region, and whether the plant needs amended soil (don’t buy anything that needs acidic soil additives or something glamorous – start with something easy).

      And let me give a little PSA to Old House Gardens! A little pricey, but the people are insanely knowledgeable and friendly, and it’s very easy to search by region/issue. I love them.

    • OP

      I’m in Missouri. No clue if we’re past frost time or not, but thanks for all of the advice! This is great.

      • Baconpancakes

        This is your average frost free date for setting out plants and putting seeds in the ground. Note it’s an average, not a hard line – if it’s 20 degrees out on April 15, and it says April 16 is your frost free date, maybe don’t put out the plants yet.

        http://agebb.missouri.edu/weather/frost.htm

      • Trixie

        Follow the advice above about checking with the local extension service and finding a master gardener to consult. They are the experts in what grows in your area and are full of tips that will make your life much easier. Do it!

  14. Boyfriend Jeans

    I want in on this trend. Love that it makes my heels wearable in a casual context (so many work heels). My attempts to find some that fit with the desired visual effect have had comical results. Any tips? (slim pear, somewhat muscular legs)

    TIA!

    • TNTT

      I am a similar build and unfortunately, I think this trend is not for us. You’re just adding volume to your already voluminous area.

      • anon

        My body type is not the same as yours, but have you tried rolling up a pair of straight-leg jeans? It mimics the effect of the newer, more fitted boyfriend styles and totally eliminates the extra volume of boyfriend jeans while opening up the shoe options.

        • TNTT

          This is exactly what I do! I suppose I could have been more helpful in my earlier post haha. I don’t really see it as a “boyfriend” jean this way, but youre right about the shoes.

    • Anonymous

      Try on the AE Tomgirl jeans. They are pretty amazing. They don’t add weight to hips and butt at all.

    • Anonymous

      Buying jeans is like buying a swim suit. The best way to find the perfect fit is to try on a ton of different options to see what works. Nordstrom has a ton of cute boyfriend-style jeans right now, so I think that would be a good place to start. Also try “girlfriend” jeans, which are slimmer fitting than boyfriend jeans but have the same effect.

  15. Lo & Sons Pearl

    Does anyone own the Lo & Sons Pearl? Do you like it? Anything you dislike about it? Tempted to order once it is back in stock…

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