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Circus
We sometimes say here “not my circus.” When it comes to family, how do you define what IS your circus?
Anonymous
My circus and monkeys = my nuclear family, as in myself, my spouse, and our children.
Anon
It gets tricky as your kids get older. They’re definitely still your monkeys but sometimes it really isn’t your circus – like friendship issues when they’re teens.
Nesprin
If the outcome of the thing affects me or mine, and crucially I can do something about it, that’s my circus and those are my monkeys.
Anon
Anything that affects me is my circus. Anything that does not affect me is not my circus, e.g., my older sister not having held down a job in five years (childless, FWIW – I am not slamming SAHPs here), my younger sister being a pathological liar, my father’s third ex-wife moving into his retirement community, almost anything to do with my in-laws. (Exception: I had some stern words with SIL and BIL about their parenting choices, when those parenting choices affected me and are going to have some fairly obvious, serious consequences down the road.)
Frankly, I wish everyone else would get on board with that. Basically every fight I have with them involves me telling them to MYOB. “I’m not going to be the thought police – have whatever opinions of me you want to have – but I’m a grown adult and my decisions aren’t your business and aren’t up for de novo review” is a frequent saying when I talk to any of them.
Anon
I am single, and will probably never marry or have kids. So my family… my circus… is broader than most. It includes my siblings…. my small extended family… and some of my friends. It also includes the close friends/family of people I love. I mean…. how could it not?
But that’s me.
I am from a health care background, and often get family/friends coming to me for advice/comfort. I have seen a lot of terrible, unlucky things, which can happen to any of us, at anytime. I also understand a lot of the biology/neuroscience underlying behavior/addiction etc… So I think that allows me to step outside things a little easier, with less judgement.
Anon
This. Different life circumstances, but same “how could it not?” Not about running others’ lives, but about understanding and listening and being there. Knowing it could very well be me. Wishing I could make it better for those I love.
No Face
I accept that I cannot live someone else’s life for them. I state my opinion once at most, and then it go.
So a cousin is dating some jerk? “I don’t like how he talks to you” and then I let her live her life. My uncle spends every red penny he gets his hand on? “I feel better when I have some savings” then I keep my mouth shut except to say “nope” when he asks for money.
Seventh Sister
My nuclear family is my circus, and my parents & sister are the satellite circus where I sometimes check to make sure they are bringing water to the metaphorical elephants (but they can do any trapeze acts they want).
My in-laws and BILs are *not* my circus. I feel fairly sure my in-laws are going to fall off the high wire even though they are 100% certain they are still agile acrobats in their prime, and my BILs pretty much live in the State of De Nile.
anonshmanon
I thoroughly enjoyed where you took that metaphor!
Circus
Love it. Thanks Seventh Sister.
Anon
Husband, kids and (in certain circumstances) my parents. I don’t butt into my parents business in general, but as they relate to our family I manage them.
Anonymous
Things I have direct influence over, can control, or directly affect me.
So, my minor kid getting bullied at school is my circus. That same kid as an adult dealing with issues at work is not. I can offer advice and be a shoulder to unload on but kid has to make the choices that ultimately solve the problem.
How I and my nuclear family are treated by my extended family is my circus. How my extended family behave and treat others is not. I can control whether we have contact with them, not how they behave or treat others.
Tea/Coffee
A dear friend is getting divorced and moving out (into a fully furnished home) shortly. Her mid term plan is to move far, far away once her divorce is final. I’d like to get her a little housewarming gift but have no idea what would actually make sense in this situation since I don’t want to weigh her down with the typical candle or plant, etc. She is neither a drinker nor a cook. Ideas (~$50?).
More on topic, this post is very timely as my “no assigned desk so this bag IS my office” bag is wearing out and I need to start thinking about my ideal replacement…
Anon
I’d err on the side of being with your friend so, treat her to a spa day, or a night out at a nice restaurant, etc. If nothing else, giving her food (basket or gift card to a local restaurant) is always good.
Anon
+1
This is not a housewarming per se, and how lucky for her she has fully furnished home (!).
Give her your friendship and comfort. Time, food.
ELS
+1. When I was going through my divorce I didn’t need “stuff” but still remember who showed up and spent time/brought food. The support of my friends (and their physical presence) is what made the process bearable.
Anon
Yes. Going through this now and I appreciate the most people who ask to go to dinner or get together to do something – anything, even just coffee, a walk, a yoga class. And I even appreciate people who just send a text to say ‘how are you’ or ‘thinking of you’. I shouldn’t be shocked, but I truly can’t believe the people who never even text to just say hi or ask how I am doing.
Anon
+1. A celebratory dinner would be nice. And checking in on her more frequently is great too.
No Face
If she is changing her name because of the divorce, maybe some nice stationary?
A friend of mine is getting divorced and I am spending lots of time with her. I’ve also added “I love you” to the end of our visits and calls.
Anonymous
Some lovely cotton bedding, towels and face cloths. Something different, new and just her own.
Anon
I would get flowers and maybe a candle (i don’t think it’d weight her down as it’s a consumable) to make the new place feel homier.
Anon
Longer term suggest a girls weekend. When my friend unexpectedly became single again she realized after a year that she hadn’t been on vacation since the breakup. She was used to having her SO as a travel buddy, her married friends always saved their PTO for their own families, and she thought a solo trip would be depressing.
Anon
This! Traveling was one of my favorite things that my ex husband and I did together, and I realized after the divorce that I had lost my favorite travel buddy. And as my couple of close girlfriends are married with young kids/babies, I wasn’t all that comfortable reaching out to them to suggest a weekend away. My first trip was by myself for a weekend, and while it ended up being nice overall, I was really sad packing for it and had a lot of emotions throughout.
JM
Tell me about barre – I heard on here how tough it is so bought some DVDs off Poshmark.
Are you meant to also have a cardio routine and maybe weights outside of it? Or do you find it takes the place of free weights?
The routines are long. How many times a week do you do them, and then fit in other workouts I suppose?
NYCer
I don’t do any other weight lifting outside of barre classes. I try to do a 45 min class twice per week, and sometimes add in a shorter 20-30 min workout one additional time week. I also do separate cardio (usually, a 2.5 mile run) two times a week.
Anon
I did Purebarre in Manhattan for a few years pre-covid. I loved it! Highly recommend trying a few classes. It’s not something I would do online initially.
AnonSatOfc
+1. It’s really hard to do it well without very specific corrections that likely have to be delivered in person, as they’re so small and it’s hard to cue verbally.
Most people who do barre use it for strength training, and also do cardio separately. Some barre studios do a “cardio burst” or similar, which an help bridge that gap as well during strength-focused classes.
Anon
I definitely would splurge for a few in-person barre classes to get the hang of it first!
For those who do barre, it’s likely to be their entire weight workout. I now do heavier lifting but when I did barre I would do two 45 min barre classes a week and then run 2-3 days a week.
Anon
I try to get in two 50-minute barre classes a week at a local studio. I also take one yoga and two dance classes a week and take regular walks. I’m a fan of doing what feels good when it comes to movement.
Anon
Barre is not going to do the same things for your body that cardio or free weights will. Cardio will give you endurance, weights will give you stronger muscles. If all other things were equal I would recommend a strength program with barre as a supplement plus moderate cardio.
THAT SAID: what matters most is finding an exercise routine that you will enjoy (or at least not dread) and can stick to. If you like barre but loathe running or free weights, stick to barre.
Anon
The barre class I took used light free weights and you did higher reps.
Anonymous
How does one go about purchasing individual term life insurance and short-term and long-term disability insurance?
Anon
For term life insurance, I got online quotes from a few places. I ended up just going with the same insurance agency that I have my home and car insurance with, mostly because I have a relationship with the people at the local office and they made it really easy.
AIMS
We used select quote for term life. It was easy. I think they can do the others too, but not sure. I know Northwest Mutual offers disability policies so you can also just check with them.
Runcible Spoon
If you are a member of any professional organizations (for example, the American Bar Association or whatever is similar for your profession), one of the benefits usually is favorable (group) rates for life and disability insurance. These are individual policies, not employer sponsored, of course, but at lower rates than if you were obtaining the policies on the open market. You can also engage the services of an insurance broker, especially if you have issues that might affect the underwriting of insurance policies.
Anon
Ditto automobile club.
Anonymous
heading into NYC on wednesday with my boys (6 and 12) for an impromptu morning and lunch in the city. what should i do with the kids? Highline? Central Park? We’ve done the Met and AMNH before and I think another museum is also pretty low on the list.
Also, my 12 yo is a foodie – is there a place maybe we could go that’s family friendly and not too creative in that bacon-avocado-icecream NYC way for lunch? Eataly maybe?
NY CPA
Wednesday should be gorgeous: high of 80 and sunny. High Line sounds like a great idea on a day like that! Eataly would be fun, as would Chelsea market which is just off the High Line.
Anonymous
I don’t understand the appeal of the High Line. It’s crowded and there are no attractions on it at all. I do love Chelsea Market, but I prefer to walk along the river to get there. It’s probably faster and definitely cooler and more scenic unless you like looking inside strangers’ apartments
Anonymous
This isn’t true anymore. You can go to Hudson Yards, walk the sculpture there, swing down the Highline to Little Island, and end in the Whitney or Chelsea Market.
Anon
Isn’t Vessel closed permanently because of all the suicides?
BeenThatGuy
I believe it’s closed indefinitely.
Anne-on
The new Tin Market at the South Street Seaport was really cool to walk around and the views are gorgeous. I’d do that over the Highline since the weather is supposed to be really lovely. Or my perennial favorite is to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge and then grab pizza in Brooklyn (or take the train one way if the kids aren’t up to the longer walk)
Anon
I think Eataly is perfect for a 12 year old.
OOO
Nintendo store and Lego store were a big hit with my nephews at those exact ages
Anonymous
This is a little better for the older one but some good ideas here: https://mommypoppins.com/kids/a-nerdy-day-out-in-japantown-nyc-tweens-will-absolutely-love
AIMS
Eataly works b/c there is also the original Shake Shack right there in Madison Square Park, which my kids never get sick off. I would do shake shack for lunch and then go into Eataly for gelato after (or butterbeer soft serve at the Harry Potter store or the gelato at Anita Gelato). Yes to the Lego Store and Harry Potter, which are both right there. There is a small museum of math right there too but unless your kids are super into that, I wouldn’t say it’s a can’t miss.
Alternatively, you can take them downtown to the top of the Freedom Tower and then get lunch at the PJ Clark’s downtown on the water (great classic Han burger on the kids menu, amazing chopped salad with salmon for you). There is an Eataly nearby there too if you want to grab gelato. Really though NY is in the middle of an ice cream renaissance and there is amazing ice cream literally everywhere you turn.
Or take them to the Intrepid which my son is obsessed with (i wouldn’t put it into the “just another museum category” ..
I agree to skip the High Line; it would be great if not for all the people.
NYCer
The Intrepid is pretty fun if your kids are at all interested.
Anonymous
i am getting like 7 junk text messages a day for political campaigns – some of them are calling me by name. I changed my ActBlue account 18 months ago to use my junk email and I think delete my phone number, but what can I do now? they keep coming even if i report them as junk.
Anon8
Are you replying stop each time?
Anonymous
i thought replying stop individually would “let them know they had a live one” so i’ve been using the iphone way to swipe “delete and report junk” — should i not?
Anon8
No, you should reply individually if they’re not stopping! I’ve done text banking for elections and if you reply “stop” they put you on the do not contact list. If there’s no reply they just keep texting you. My carrier also automatically blocks the number when you text stop. Also, elections use the same list of contact numbers for multiple outreach attempts, so if you text “stop” to one of them you may actually be stopping multiple.
Anon
+1 you have to reply STOP, that’s like a FCC regulation I believe.
Anon
Reporting as junk doesn’t do jack.
Anon
Your phone number is probably on 1,000 different lists by now.
Anon
Political consultant here – it’s actually all 1 list/database that Dem candidates buy subscription access to, and there’s a GOP/independent version as well.
Anon
If it’s a state I have access to, I could remove your phone from your record, but it wouldn’t be much help because these databases are pulled from data mining of publicly available sources. They’re constantly finding and updating info.
Working in politics, especially digital fundraising/marketing, I got so weirded out by just how much of my peronally identifiable info is out there that I now pay for DeleteMe to be constantly removing my info from hundreds of databases, for 3 years running. Highly recommend, and I have a discount code if anyone is interested.
Anonymous
ooh, please share your discount code!
Anon
The code gives 20% off!
https://joindeleteme.com/refer?coupon=RFR-127321-PEQRVR
Anonymous
but… some people overuse the system so much that it makes me much less likely to give. ruben gallego, don’t even remember who you’re running against or why i care, but step away from the damn text messages.
Anon
HA! He’s in TX. I did GOTV phonebanking for his race in 2012 when he first ran and defeated a bad pretty, very right wing incumbent. Disappointing to hear that his campaign is spamming people!
Runcible Spoon
This is for the previous reply — no, he’s running in Arizona, to unseat Kyrsten Sinema
Anon
I hope the candidates know how much we hate them for this.
Anon
I work with state and municipal candidates, who generally don’t do this. This is the difference between national and downballot campaigns. You’re unlikely to ever come across Warnock in real life, so it’s a very transactional ask. You may meet or interact with your state senator, who wants to be on your good side (for years, to get reelected), so they are less likely to spam you.
I hate the national level spam. You’re never going to get an answer and they probably don’t even have the back and forth system set up. I’ve been the person on the other side of the computer program, replying to texts, for a state wide race. We texted people who we had previously IDed as supporters with a GOTV message. I had many back and forth conversations with people who had moved and didn’t know where to vote, who needed transportation to the polls, etc. So the tech can be useful if used properly.
Anon
Interesting, that makes a lot of sense! I’ve actually only been spammed at the state level so far. I can totally see how GOTV efforts would benefit.
Anon
Wow, that’s a lot! I got deluged in 2020 and kept replying stop. Now I get maybe 1 text every other month. Also, don’t open emails. If you open one or click links, you’ll get more emails because they track your engagement with the email and keep emailing those who engage.
Anon
And turn off the function that automatically downloads images. That’s how they track if you’ve opened it.
Anon
I work for a state, Democrat, elected official. My work email is publicly available and I receive at least 30 emails per day from Don, Rick, Mitch, Tucker, etc. despite the best efforts of office IT folks. I don’t think there is much to be done.
Anon
I used to get 5+ emails a day from Raphael Warnock. I had never donated to a political campaign, as I’m not allowed to due to my job. I don’t live in GA and while yes I wanted him to beat Walker, there was nothing much I could do about it even if I wanted to. FWIW, I also live in a purple state that was at risk; had I been able to donate to campaigns I definitely would have donated to ones in my state.
joan wilder
I get them also and they all address me as Richard. [My name is most definitely not Richard]. I can’t figure out how to get off the list that isn’t even me…
Carrots
I’m tasked with working on expanding the current mentorship program at my organization for interns to something that could be accessible to all early career folks who are interested in participating. For those of you who participated in one (either as a mentor or a mentee), what did you find most and least helpful? I’m still early in the planning process, so open to most feedback. TIA!
Anon
From this morning’s convo, what are states (or cities or counties) with good community colleges? Good meaning offerings include partnerships to transfer with credits to good 4-year BA/BS degree-granting schools or with credits that will generally transfer?
My kids are younger but my city borders two states. I could easily move 5 miles for better schools up to and including college since we will outgrow our condo before they start high school.
Anon
I think it will also depend on the county (or whatever level CCs are run in your state) in addition to your state.
Anon
NoVA – so the DMV area. Northern Virginia Community college has transfer agreements with 40 colleges & universities (including GWU, GMU, UVA (certain schools), Mary Washington, VA Tech …). There are six campuses.
Anne-on
From what I recall NY has an excellent SUNY/CUNY (state universities and city universities) program with very well respected colleges and (I think) the scholarships available have gone up in recent years.
anon
+1
Yes, excellent.
Anne-on
I’m in mod for some reason but the NY state universities and city universites are widely respected and the ‘good’ state schools are very competitive to get into.
ELS
I can only comment on my area, but in NoVA I’ve known several folks who transferred from LFCC (Lord Fairfax Community College) to 4 year universities (up to and including UVA).
Anon
Nebraska.
Anon
If your city that borders two states happens to be Philly, I’d move to MontCo in PA. Many of the school districts are quite good and MontCo CC has a great transfer program to several local public ahd private universities.
Anon
I think most states?
Anon
Minnesota community colleges have transfer agreements with state universities so you know exact what credits a class will transfer for and what requirements it satisfies. I dont know that I would call them particularly good for a student above grade level, as they are unlikely to be challenged in the classes. But I think that’s true for most community colleges
(One big caveat is that my knowledge is almost 20 years old, when I took community college classes for free during my junior year of high school.)
Anonz
Not sure where you are, but California has a very tight system of using community colleges as entry points for the UCs.
Anonymous
Why on earth would you make the quality/transferability of community college classes the deciding factor over the quality of primary and secondary education? Or state 4 year college alternatives, for that matter. Or state tax rates? Or housing stock? Or where you have local friends? Or any number of other reasons for choosing where you are going to move? And, if you’re actually looking for actionable advice, why didn’t you include your location?
Anonymous
Right? It’s bizarre
anon
I think we can give the OP credit that she knows how to balance factors.
It’s not a complicated question, really. Did you have to push back?
Anon
California – here’s the matrix
https://admission.universityofcalifornia.edu/admission-requirements/transfer-requirements/uc-transfer-programs/transfer-admission-guarantee-tag.html
Anon
I have a comment in m 0 d forever but if you’re interested, CA publishes a mat r i x of guaranteed community college -> UC colleges and classes.
anon
hi it’s newly pregnant anon! I’m at the end of my 7th week of pregnancy and morning sickness has just kicked in HARD. It’s difficult to even look at or THINK about some foods and all I want to do is curl in bed. I’m super tired too and feel like I could sleep all day. Any tips for getting through the next few weeks? We haven’t told anyone at all yet—just me and my husband know right now—and I feel like I’m cosplaying normal me (badly).
Anonymous
small bites really regularly – think 2 saltine crackers every 45 minutes
also take your prenatals in the evening instead of the morning, the iron might be making you nauseous.
the fatigue is definitely real; it gets better around week 12. scale back what you’re trying to do.
Anon
Talk to your doctor about vitamin b6+ unisom, or prescription alternatives if that doesn’t help. No reason to power through this without help!
Anon
I am 8 weeks pregnant and just started B6 + Unisom on Friday. It has helped immensely. I also bought sea bands which seem to be helping as well. Other than that, avoiding overly fatty foods (my 9:30pm pregnancy craving for cheese curds the other night should have been ignored…), peppermint lifesavers, and lots of small meals as the poster above says. If you can include protein in your small meals, even better. Hope we both start feeling better over the next few weeks!
Anon
Small sips of ice cold water to stay hydrated. And agree with the other commenter to regularly nibble on bland foods. A little bit of ginger powder washed down with cold water helps when you’re turning green.
Anon
Cheerios were my go-to. I kept baggies of them in my desk and ate them one at a time to keep the nausea at bay.
Anon
I hate to be this person, but this is definitely the kind of thing the mom’s board is for.
Anonymous
Hard agree.
Anon
+1
anon
ok will move over there sorry to anyone I annoyed
anon
Screaming into the void. I’m a woman (obviously), director level, in a management team of mostly men. I had a baby (first and likely last) last year and there was no general acknowledgement from my work – a few folks found my registry and purchased gifts, and two coworkers did an “oh shit” and bought me flowers my last day in the office. When I delivered the baby, I sent an email to the entire team, then once I submitted the birth info I was cut off from our systems for 4 months while on leave. No card, nothing. I was reorged when I was out but had a general awareness that was coming.
There was a guy hired while I was out who I would describe as a Tradwick and generally a colossal d*ck to me but nice to superiors. He just had his third child and I got an email from our department admin (a 70+ woman) asking to contribute to a gift for him. I’m like where was my gift? Card? Anything? But this f*cktard who is having his third child and didn’t actually do any of the work gets a gift? I deleted the email and am refusing to contribute.
Anon
That would have me seeing red! I’m with you – delete the email and don’t contribute.
Anon
Same.
Sorry Op this sucks.
anon
That genuinely sucks. I’m sorry, OP.
Anonymous
Do you have a good working relationship with your colleagues? Generally gifting up not seen favourably and isn’t done, is Tradwick also a director? At my office gifting up to a director would be seen as grubby and a big no-no.
Anonz
Unless the admin came up with this idea on her own, I would take this as a very serious warning sign. Not just because it’s sexist – it suggests that your management team has bonded with Tradwick and sees his life events as “like us” in a way they don’t view yours. Beware.
Anon
I agree with this. Also when I was reading your comment I thought, so what! Who cares? They’re colleagues not friends. Then got to end and thought yea that’s messed up.
Anononon
Has anyone ordered from the Kit? Thoughts on quality and what body type they are made for?
Anon
Following! The colors are amazing.
Anon
I ordered a very pretty summer dress after seeing it in a photo of Virginia Sole-Smith, who wore it on book tour. Even though we have similar body types, when I received it I didn’t feel like it fit me as well as it fit her. There was also a piece sticking out that might have been a mistake (they custom-make each order). The colors were gorgeous, and I wanted to love it, but I ended up sending it back. The fabric quality was acceptable but not great (for cotton poplin).
NaoNao
I have! I’m 5’10” and a size 14/16/XL/XXL. I found the quality underwhelming and the cuts very narrow and for “boyish” or rectangle figures. I ordered 3 items (a turtleneck, a jumpsuit, and a boxy Rugby style polo tee) and was very, very undewhelmed by two, kept 1 as a “maybe” item and wound up donating/giving away/selling the third after never wearing it. The jumpsuit was paper thin and tight as all get out around the stomach, thighs, and rear, and boxy/loose in the torso and bust (and I’m busty). The turtleneck was also paper thin and very snug, even though I ordered it in an XXL which would typically be verging on too large. Many of the cooler and more interesting styles were not available in sizes larger than 12 or an XL, which is *really crappy* IMHO.
The sizing runs small and feels…”off” for actual AFAB/cis female bodies. Alison Gary of Wardrobe Oxygen has done a couple reviews of The Kit and her experience generally reflects mine even though she’s 5’3″ and has a slightly different body type than I.
Now having said that, this was 2020 or so and things may have changed, but buyer be very aware with this one.
Anon
Any recommendations for parent-friendly NYC hotels for a September visit, ideally in Midtown East or environs? When I go by myself, I usually stay in a pod-type hotel in Chelsea or the LES, but that’s definitely not my parents’ scene. Ideally $400 a night or less. Looking at The Warwick, The Lombardy, and The Sofitel but open to all ideas. Thanks in advance!
anon
the Fitzpatrick on 57th and Lex. It’s great.
Anonymous
Looks like I have to go to Geneva this fall and may end up having 2 or so days outside of work. What is a good train trip to take from Geneva? Anyplace I should consider going which would be a 1 to 4 hour express train ride? I’m open to staying in Switzerland or going to France or Italy. Is Milan worth it or is it just not enough time for that?
What I like – cities esp small walkable cities I can explore, shopping even if I’m not necessarily buying, luxury hotels. I know Switzerland has beautiful mountain towns – I’m not averse to that but I would need a town or city I could hang out in, as I’m not a hiker or skier and it’s likely too early for skiing anyway. I will have been in Geneva for an entire week by the time I have the 2 or 3 days off, so I feel like I will have explored already with colleagues and solo.
Sunflower
Annecy (France).
Cerulean
Annecy, France is very charming and if memory serves, there’s a direct train. Lyon is also great, but a bit further out. I’ve only spent a day in Milan, but it wasn’t my favorite and I wouldn’t venture that far out of my way for it if you just have a couple of days.
Essential in Texas
Milan is too far and, in my opinion, not worth it. I’ve been many times, but was most recently there in November and incredibly disappointed. (We spent 4 nights in Lausanne at the Beau Rivage Palace (outside of Geneva) on the lake and it was freaking fantastic. Highly recommend as a place to relax and enjoy the scenery. We also went to Zermatt from Geneva for 3 days. Very work it. But longer than a 1 hour express train ride. Have fun!
NYCer
Hôtel Royal Évian Resort is a beautiful resort less than an hour drive from Geneva. It would be nice and relaxing for 2 days.
Anon
Music for funerals that isn’t Ave Maria? Episcopal service, if that matters. May be just a graveside service but if I’m in the church there is an organ. Willing to spend for musicians and / or singers.
I put a lot of thought into my wedding music but I had the luxury of time and having attended enough weddings to have opinions. This is for a parent and coming as a shock and surprise. (Parent is in State A and went to church there; burial will be far away in State B where extended family there will come and burial is in cemetery where both sets of grandparents and great-grandparents are).
Anonymous
Mozart’s Requiem
Anonymous
I despise all other music by Rutter, but his Requiem is really lovely and quite accessible. Not sure how you would get together a live performance of anything but a solo from a requiem, though.
Anon
If you like a good requiem, Faure’s requiem is breathtakingly gorgeous… Probably not for this.
Anon
Amazing grace has been played at every Episcopal funeral I’ve been to (which is a fair amount since my family is Episcopalian).
If the deceased happened to have been in the Navy, Eternal Father Strong to Save.
Did the deceased have any favorite hymns? We usually do favorite hymns, even if they aren’t “funeral” hymns. I like Morning Has Broken for a more uplifting option.
Some other good options: O God Our Help in Ages Past, The Strife is Oer, Seek Ye First, Rugged Old Cross and Praise My Soul the King of Heaven.
Anon
Navy hymn is my favorite and I have zero family connection.
Anonymous
Same.
Vicky Austin
Old Rugged Cross and Great Is Thy Faithfulness are perennial choices in my family.
Anon
Agree with all of this and would add that if you are doing a graveside services, both Amazing Grace and the Navy Hymn work really well a cappella.
Anonymous
Some things that can be performed a cappella by a small group of singers and are easy to prepare:
Good Night, Dear Heart by Dan Forrest (setting of a Mark Twain poem)
Pilgrim’s Hymn by Stephen Paulus
Anon
Good Night, Dear Heart: I am weeping
Anonymous
On Eagles’ Wings is a funeral classic and there are some nice quartet arrangements available.
Anon
On Eagles Wings is more of a Catholic hymn; it’s not in the Episcopal hymnal. However if the organist is willing to learn it, I’m sure the lyrics could be printed in the pamphlet.
Anonymous
It’s not usually done as a congregational hymn. The melody is more soloistic.
Anonymous
It is not usually sung as a congregational hymn, and it is commonly performed in Protestant churches.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry for your loss.
208 The strife is o’er
488 “Be thou my vision”
207 “Jesus Christ is risen today”
8 Morning has broken
Anonymous
Jesus Christ is risen today is an Easter hymn. I think it would be odd at a funeral, and it would give the hymn funereal connotations at every subsequent Easter.
Anonymous
I would not do Jesus Christ is Risen Today. It is for Easter and is quite ponderous.
anon
Did you check with the church already? There are suggested hymns for the funeral in the book in the back of the pew whose name I cannot remember, much like the suggested readings. It is all (disturbingly) very much like your wedding when the priest gave you the list of 10 potential readings and suggested music. You can google funeral liturgy hymns and find the list.
Anonymous
These are in the Catholic Glory & Praise Hymnal – Go In Peace, Blest are They, Be not Afraid, Come to Me – maybe there are similar Episcopalian ones.
I vow to thee my country ( sung at Princess Diana’s funeral) – beautiful music.
Sorry for your loss.
Anon
Nearer My God to Thee and Jerusalem My Happy Home were common hymn choices when I was an Epsicopal church musician.
Funeral Ikos by John Tavener if you can afford a quality quartet of singers.
Anonymous
The Tavener is gorgeous but some of the text is rather grotesque, and the harmonies are too challenging for a general audience. I think it is more appropriate for a concert than for an actual funeral, even thought the text is from a funeral liturgy.
Anonymous
I love the Tavener but it is definitely not a piece that your general funeral audience will appreciate.
KS IT Chick
My condolences. I just looked up what we had for my aunt last year. Small Episcopal church in western Kansas.
How great thou art
Lift high the cross
Morning has broken
The King of Love my shepherd is
We gather together
Anon
My condolences. The Ashokan Farewell by Jay Ungar.
SF in House
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Congregational hymn ideas:
8 Morning Has Broken
645 The King of Love My Shepherd Is
671 Amazing Grace
473 Lift High the Cross
If you have professional singers:
Precious Lord, Take My Hand
Eagle’s Wings
Anon
Former Episcopal chorister here… Aside from the fact that I freaking hate On Eagles’ Wings because I had to sing it in high school and the entrance always was awkward for me, good choices.
Anon
Another person here who really dislikes On Eagles Wings. There are many of us. It’s a polarizing piece.
Essential in Texas
How great thou art….everyone will be in tears, fair warning
Runcible Spoon
I like “I’ll Fly Away” and “We’ll Understand it Better Bye and Bye”
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Runcible Spoon
I forgot to include in my earlier comment:
The song “Goin’ Home” (also known as “Going Home”), based on Antonin Dvorak’s “Largo” theme played on English Horn from his Symphony No. 9 (From the New World), Op. 95 (or just the instrumental music of this movement of this symphony).
And not exactly funeral-specific, but if you have an excellent vocalist, the more modern popular songs “Blackbird” and “Many Rivers to Cross” can be comforting.
And if you are looking for a reading, one suggestion is Ithaka by C.P. Cafavy also can be comforting.
My condolences again.