ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 348 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Belted Colorblock Ponte Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I love the color combination in this A-line dress. Tory Burch can sometimes read a little too casual for workwear, but this could be my new favorite Summer Friday outfit. If bare arms fly in your office, I think this looks great on its own. If not, I’d probably pair it with a white blazer or a navy cardigan, if you can find one to match. It’s $368 at Nordstrom, available in sizes XS–XL. Belted Colorblock Ponte Dress Two more affordable options are at Macy's (regular and petite) and Lord & Taylor (plus). This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (edited)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

348 Comments

  1. Does anyone have any recommendations for Ischia and Procida in Italy for food or things to do? We have accommodation sorted and have been to Sorrento, Postitano and Capri previously. Thanks.

    1. I almost never post a comment, but I have to chime in that Elizabeth is hitting it out of the park with her picks these days. I wish Corporette’s posting format let her make a whole outfit out of it, with a clip of the suggested navy cardigan, suggested shoes, etc (there’s probably some technical word for how you post all those things together to demonstrate an outfit – I see it all over Pinterest). I have the feeling Elizabeth would be great at that.

      1. Agree! Abra at Cap Hill Style does a good job w/ that format — or at least did, now that I mention it, I remember it best from her “two ways” features.

        1. Love the idea of a two ways feature. My workplace tends more business casual so I appreciate options to complete an outfit without defaulting to a blazer.

    2. I liked it a lot at first but I briefly thought it looks like the Zoey Deschanel elf costume in Elf and now I can’t unsee it.

  3. Any recommendations for a designer or general contractor in Toronto? Thinking about renovating and not sure where to start.

  4. To the poster on yesterday’s afternoon thread asking about plus-sized maternity clothes, I recommend Karina dresses. They’re not maternity per se, but the fabric and cut is very forgiving. I promise I’m not a shill, just a first time pregnant lady who wears a lot of dresses and is figuring this whole weird alien house body thing day-by-day.

  5. Related to yesterday’s discussion about college admissions: did you think your parents put too much pressure on you when you were younger? Too little pressure?

    How is this related to how self-motivated you are?

    I was an extremely self-motivated teenager, so I deeply resented the pressure my parents put on me (justified by: “you said you put pressure on yourself!”). It caused a lot of long term harm, and they honestly cannot understand and almost don’t want to understand.

    1. Very self-motivated b/c I had fallen in love with my dream school as a freshman in high school (W&M!). Parents gave me a college budget (sadly: not Ivies; yes to OOS tuition at other schools; state U would have been tuition free but room and board were pricey enough to make other options attractive).

      Parents were State U grads, mom put herself through junior college then State U in 3 years largely b/c she couldn’t afford a 4th year and needed the degree to teach.

      Parents never saw my college applications, which I typed on an electric typewriter. I think they wrote the admissions fee checks b/c I didn’t have a checking account b/c I had just turned 18.

      In my life, my success or failures are solely my own and I am grateful eternally for them. For my own kids, I try to expose them to things but not push if it isn’t sticky on its own merits (violin, some activities, choir, scouts). The aren’t extensions of me. I want them to die happy long after I am gone and not f*ck them up.

      1. Great post. I agree with everything you’ve said here. How was W&M? Did you grow up in NOVA?

        1. LOVED W&M — it was such the perfect school for me. I have been very involved as an alumna and love it with all my heart.

          What breaks my heart though is how OOS tuition is about 65K now (all in). I was not from VA, but at the time I went, OOS tuition was relatively affordable to my not-rich parents. I lived in VA after I graduated but in a neighboring state now, so my children will likely not go there (or they’d have to move there to finish high school or otherwise legitimately acquire residency so that they’d be OOS for at most a year). I’m not sure it is worth it and they may not want it. But I could work out of my company’s DC office and commute from NoVa and would do it in a heartbeat if they were set on it (spouse is from NoVa).

          I had a co-worker who went to a private U b/c her OOS parents couldn’t afford W&M, which she really preferred. Not a lot of scholarship help for OOS students of modest means and if I won the lottery I would fund a scholarship solely for kids like that.

          [I think that this is a common State U rant — State U needs OOS students to balance the budget and it is politically easier to raise OOS tuition. But then that leaves much fewer spots for in-state students and kids with not-rich parents. It is just awful all around. In my state, I live in the most populous area, so kids from our area basically don’t get in to our state U schools b/c there is too much local fungible competition. If you want to get in, it helps to be in an obscure county.]

    2. I think my parents put the right amount of pressure on me: I was expected to work hard and do my best at school. Outside of school, they didn’t really care what I was doing, so long as I was generally responsible (home by curfew, not drinking or using dr*gs, fulfilling my responsibilities at any extracurricular I committed to). They understood better than me (and tried to communicate to me) that admission to top colleges involves some degree randomness and they were more focused on my effort than the outcome.

      I put way too much pressure on myself. I had a complete meltdown when I didn’t get into my top choice Ivy (even though I got into similar colleges, and life turns out fine even for people who don’t go to Ivies).

        1. I went to one of the other Ivies I got into. This was in no way a real problem. It just appeared to be the end of the world to me when I was 18.

    3. I think my mom put too little pressure on me, for understandable reasons, or probably more accurately she just wasn’t a source of knowledge and support when I could have really used it. During my childhood, my mom was sick and my dad wasn’t in the picture. For example, I didn’t have any adults to help with applying to college or figuring that process out. Since I went to an inner-city high school where they were just happy if you graduated and my mom was sick for most of that fall, I didn’t have anyone to discuss or advise me on college choices. I ended up going to the local state U, which is a decent school but was a bad fit for me. It’s worked out – I ended up going to law school and have a job that I like fine, but I do wonder if I would have a career I was more excited about if I went to a college that was a better fit and didn’t have to be so responsible so early in life.

      But my mom raised me the best that she was able to and I think that is all we can ask for. I knew that she loved me and it is far from the worst thing in the world that I had to grow up early and had to be very responsible for myself from a very young age. It may have made it hard for me to connect with my peers, but I’m a fully functional adult now.

      With regards to my own children, I try to find a middle ground. I want to be a source of knowledge and support, but I don’t want to put too much pressure on them or coddle them. It’s a hard balance and I don’t think any parent gets it 100% right.

    4. My parents put zero pressure on me for grades or for college admissions–but they also were dealing with my sibling, who had a near-fatal illness growing up. So I’m not sure if it was a conscious choice or just them being burnt out. In any event, I got plenty of pressure from my achieving peer group. In some ways, being in the pressure cooker school I was at for high school made me much more neurotic, much more perfectionistic, but it also refined and sharpened my drive and allowed me to build the skills I needed for succeeding. But, again, I wasn’t getting that at hope. Most of my peers were miserable and making themselves ill will all the pressure they were under. My best friend’s hair started falling out, and she was consistently 80lbs overweight throughout highschool. In college, the weight just melted off once she was free from her parent’s overbearing attitude.

    5. I’m Indian so there was always an expectation that I would get straight As. Lots of other Indian parents pressured their kids to go into med school. Thankfully my parents never did that. However there was always an expectation that I would go to college and my parents would pay for it, if needed. However I ended up having a scholarship for undergrad and didn’t need that financial support. My brother also got a scholarship for undergrad, but they paid for his Harvard law degree. If I wanted to get my masters I think they probably would have helped with that.

      I was pretty self-motivated in high school and school was easy for me. I took honors and AP classes, but I was nowhere near being a valedictorian.

      So all that to say that I never really felt like my parents pressured me. I got a degree in computer science and I’m happy in my job. I’ll be honest that I don’t have aspirations of having a “career”. I’m thankful that I have a job where I can work 40 hours and go home.

      My upbringing is very different from my husband. No one on the town where grew up really went to college and neither did he or his siblings. His parents were divorced and he was raised by his dad on very little money. For him, college would have been the exception rather than the rule.

      1. Also Indian. Every morning when my mom dropped me off at school, I remember her saying, “Study as hard as you can.” Literally, every day. My mom never went to college but recognized the importance of a great education so there was never any doubt I would go on to college. An A- was not sufficient, she wanted only As (or A+s). With that said, my parents never looked at my college applications or had any input in what colleges I should apply to. I was very self-driven from a young age. I went to a poor, urban high school and was one of the very few people that had got into an Ivy (not just that year, but in the last several years prior).

        I am thankful that my mom set very high expectations of me. She was firm but very loving, which I think is the best combination. I’m eternally grateful for her.

    6. My dad was the youngest of a big family, most of whom went to college for a year or two and then quit. I don’t know if his parents had ever expected any of their kids to go, but they had long since stopped having conversations with the kids about it by the time my dad’s turn rolled around. As such, he wandered off to college, floundered miserably for a while, figured it out and scraped by in a respectable five years with a degree. For me and all my siblings, he (and my mom) expected that we go to college, but Dad never, ever acted like it was something we owed him for his own satisfaction, or tried to live the involved-parent experience he had missed out on by helicoptering us, and I admire him so much for not overcorrecting the “sins” (for lack of a better word) of his parents. He talked to us about college early and often so that we wouldn’t be as naive and confused as he had felt, but always prefaced any discussion of it with, “Now this is your life, and you can tell me you got it handled.” And I never took advantage of that opt-out clause, even though he offered it every single time, just because his joy in discussing class schedules, degree programs, extracurriculars, etc. with us was so palpable.

      So to actually answer your question: the perfect amount of pressure from my parents, and I recognize that I am very fortunate for that to be the answer.

    7. Right amount. I was expected to do my best and always be thinking about what would set me up well for the future. There was some pressure involved just due to their expectations — as in, they knew I was a smart kid fully capable of straight A’s in AP classes, so if I was bringing home anything less than an A on my report card, I was therefore NOT doing my best.

      But, I think they did a good job framing that as “we know what you are capable of when you put in the effort, so do it” as opposed to insisting I get into an Ivy or other goal that might or might not happen just due to sheer volume of applicants.

    8. Just enough. I was pretty scared of the whole process, and needed them nudging me to go visit places and get applications done on time etc. they always insisted I work hard and try my best but there was no outcome pressure at all. They just wanted me to wind up at the school that was best for me.

    9. My parents were each in their own way destructive and the only way I survived is by being naturally resilient. They crushed my brother and sister, leaving them with zero self esteem. I don’t pride myself on being resilient, I think it’s the luck of the draw.

    10. I think my parents actually didn’t put a lot of pressure on me, especially compared to my younger sister and our general culture. The high school my sister and I attended was *very* high pressure, anything less than a top 50 worldwide university, you were considered an academic failure. Not to mention that 90% of the parents of students of my high school had advanced degrees in engineering, medicine, law, etc, so they expected that from their offspring as well. I wasn’t particularly self-motivated in high school, since going to school with a lot of super smart people made me just feel average or dumb for the most part.

      Although my parents eased off the pressure during high school, they definitely expected me to attend and complete a 4-year college at the least. It was understood that they would pay for it – it’s in our culture that education is highly valued and parents will pay for it if they can, and the children will take care of the elderly adults later on in life. I think one of the reasons my parents backed off from pressuring me to achieve academically is because I had some mental health issues in middle school that took a while to get under control and maybe my prior perfectionist personality had contributed a bit to the issues. On the flip side, that meant my dad would then constantly pressure my younger sister to get As in high school, become top ranked in her class, attend the top UC schools, study a medical field, etc. My sister has held up admirably to that pressure, and in retrospect I’m impressed she didn’t and hasn’t cracked under the immense pressure to overachieve.

      I ended up going to a middling but decent East Coast state university and only received a bachelor of science degree, but I’m definitely much happier now for it.

      1. This is sort of interesting, culturally.

        My family is largely farmers, mechanics, and teachers. Over time, there have been some engineers (the main state U is good for that) also. Some of the teachers have gotten masters degrees (locally, PT, while working; not going off to a fancy school for that and being a FT student).

        If I cut hair, would it be a big pressure expectation that my children would cut hair or be mechanics? I wonder if there is pressure all up and down the income spectrum (although the lower on it you go, you realize that you don’t eat if you don’t work and you will be expected to be on your own after you finish high school, so most of my family makes good PT money working in high school).

        [FWIW, I am a BigLaw equity partner, but to my family I am the one that is “a lawyer” and that is not seen as particularly successful b/c there is a lawyer in their town who does closings and wills and goes to court and she is more formally educated but not particularly better off than anyone else in that town. Which is cool; I don’t need to be a unicorn when I go home. I am basically just another office worker but I keep an ear out for my nieces and nephews and cousins and their kids and bring them to the city just so they can decide what they want in life.]

    11. My parents flat out told me that I had to go to the state school. (4 kids) So no pressure to go to an Ivy. I was always very self motivated, so they laid off. They did make it clear that they would support me through school, but there was no inheritance or any type of support after I was done with my education. They gave me a lot but were clear on when it was going to end. I think that was really helpful honestly. They didn’t hide their limits from me.

      1. Exactly this. They would pay for a state school in my home state (not a super impressive state school system like CA, although the individual state schools all have things they are top 10 in the country for–none of which things I studied). Very clear on when it ended. I was on my own for law school, and I made more realistic choices for that reason (plus, I was married and tied to the state because my husband was finishing his degree in one of the things that our school was top 10 in the country for).

    12. Too little. I was highly motivated and I am sure eschewed their attempts, but I also wish they had taken a different approach and put more pressure on as: Hey – You are doing a lot, but we know you have the ability to do better in school. Your stated goals in life require a slightly better performance as far as grades, we think you are going to be disappointed if you don’t get them, and we all know you are capable of doing so. We love you either way, but remember this is about setting yourself up for later to have the things you say you want. You won’t be sorry later if you put in that little extra effort now.

    13. Too little. I’m extremely self-motivated and always have been. Luckily for my parents (and me!), I’m awesome, so I excelled in school and it’s all worked out great. However, there’s no question I could have done better with more guidance, in terms of getting more scholarships, finding activities I was passionate about instead of just being dragged to my parents’ events, finding friends who were a better fit for me through such activities, and not wasting time on resume-padding activities that brought me no joy or fulfillment.

    14. My parents put no pressure on me, my brother however was an elite athlete so the whole family revolved around him and his sport. As adults my brother is a failure, he can’t really hold a job or successfully pay rent, he sabotages relationships, drinks too much and makes a whole bunch of other bad decisions. Where as I have been fully independent since 17 and am kicking *ss both personally and professionally. Because I never had external pressure I was able to be my own motivation and I think it made me a really good person. Any time someone talks to my mom she always gushes about how proud of me she is and she always gives me all the credit.

    15. Way too little pressure and support. I made it without their help, but it was a source of sadness that my accomplishments meant almost nothing to them. A blended family and my stepbrother’s juvenile antics were contributors; they didn’t want to make him feel like even more of a failure so they didn’t praise me EVER. When he got a C+ on a paper, it went on the fridge. When I was valedictorian, I got a “congrats”. Going to college 3,000 miles away was an easy choice, although one they neither helped with nor supported. I’m glad I was self-motivated and had very helpful relatives on my late mother’s side who helped me look at colleges.

    16. Mine put way too much pressure on me, and it’s affected my whole life. We were poor and very rural, and they made it very clear from early on that they couldn’t help me with college costs, but that the way out of a poor, rural life was college. Anything less than a high A was unacceptable. As in, I once got a 94 and was very sternly lectured about how that was not good enough. I don’t begrudge them for not helping me with the cost because I know it’s absolutely true they couldn’t. But I do very much resent the constant pressure to be perfect and the lasting effect on my life. I do not have a good relationship with my remaining parent, partially because of this.

    17. I think my parents put as much pressure as they knew how to put, but it wasn’t much. I was self motivated and have learned later in life that I just like winning (Enneagram Type 3, fwiw), but if not for that I’m not sure I would have done much.

      I notice when I read here that my background is very different than most posters here. I grew up on a farm. I graduated high school in a class of 25 people. I was Valedictorian (I mean, of 25 people, so…) and was a National Merit Scholar because I did well on the PSAT, but no one in my little farm town knew what that was. I didn’t realize it was a big deal. Everyone in my hometown went to community college, so it was a really really big deal that I was considering State U. I only applied to one school, I went to State U, had a wonderful experience, graduated with honors, went to State U Law School, and now work at what is considered a prominent firm in the city closest to my small hometown (we are a midsize city but don’t have biglaw).

      It never remotely crossed my mind to apply to an Ivy. I graduated high school with a 4.0, National Merit, a 34 on the ACT, and a pretty good resume of community service, volunteering, and activities (Cheerleading Captain, Homecoming Queen, all that small town stuff). I’m from a state that I imagine is underrepresented at Ivy schools, and I feel like I would have had a pretty good shot to get in. But I didn’t even know that I should try. I don’t have any regrets, and I love living near my family and being able to give back to the area, but I do wish someone had told me to at least apply. I don’t at all blame my parents for lack of pressure, because I think they encouraged me to do the biggest thing they could consider.

        2. Me too!! Although my class was a whopping 32. I went to another state for law school and haven’t returned but otherwise we basically have the exact same story.

      2. You are my mom and my dad. Somehow they wound up in NJ (in Snookie-ville) and their heads didn’t explode.

      4. This is The Hubs. Valedictorian of class of 37 in a county where the big industries are farming and the nuclear power plant and the only person in his class to leave the state for college. He went to #2 StateU in an adjoining state because he got a full ride there, but no one at his HS suggested that he think bigger.

        Things turned out great for him (full ride to law school, federal clerkship and, because he did not move back to work in his home state after his clerkship, BigLaw), but he often wonders what would have happened if someone actually had helped him with college choices. I expect that he could have gotten a full ride or at least good financial aid at an Ivy or one of the “prestige” liberal arts colleges or a higher ranked state school, but those schools simply were not on his radar and no one at his HS (not even the guidance counselor) knew to even suggest them.

    18. I think that 80-90% of the pressure came from me. There was a lot of “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” from my parents if grades were not great, but I think large my academic pressure largely was internal. Even though I grew up in a town with awesome and highly ranked public schools, I ended up at a snobby east coast boarding school. This was due in part to the fact that my older brother had been in private school from a 6th grade (he just did better in smaller classes and more teacher attention) and my parents asked if I also wanted to go to the boarding school. I said sure and so I went – I thought it was easier for my parents to have us at the same school and the school was better than the public high school, so it was a positive improvement and therefore something I should do. But since my parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents all had college degrees/post secondary education, there was just an expectation that I would get a four year degree and they would pay for it (like my grandparents had for my parents, and my great grandparents had for my grandparents). While the school system where I grew up and my high school aimed to create diverse environments, I only rarely interacted with those people, as even in second and third grade in elementary school we had “advanced” reading and math groups that I was in, so I was in a different classroom for part of the day and then sat with those kids at lunch and they all were also upper class white kids or someone who was of Asian or Indian background, and both parents were doctors. So, from a very young age I assumed that basically everyone went to college. It wasn’t until I got to law school that I was finally friends with people who didn’t look like me and learned that a whole lot of people don’t ever go to college.

    19. Not nearly enough pressure (if that’s the right word) or guidance. Going to college was expected but I was given basically no guidance on actually executing it. My dad went a roundabout path through college that included the Army. My mom never went. Nobody was looking out for the kind of experience that would be best for me or even really knew how to. I lived with my mom in high school; she didn’t much understand or like me and thus spent most of her time out of the house and didn’t interact with me much. I didn’t know what I wanted to do and didn’t think I could afford to do anything other than live at home and go to the closest state school, so that’s what I did. I graduated into the recession with a useless degree and ended up going back to tech school to get an Associate’s that made me employable. I met my husband there so it’s hard to have regrets about that road, but the fact is I would have made some very different choices had I known myself then the way I do now, or had I had anyone in my life to point out some critical things to me.

      I have a good life but my career direction and satisfaction leaves a lot to be desired today, approaching my mid-30’s. If I wanted to pursue a career with true interests and well-suited to my personality (STEM), I’d need to start over with another Bachelor’s and would have basically no overlap from the first one (Art). We’re also finally debt free from my original student loans, and no way could I stomach borrowing for school again. So we’d have to cash-flow, and it would take forever. Meanwhile, my husband is mid-way through his Bachelor’s, exiting the military in less than a year and I’m due in January with our first baby, so I really have no choice but to stay the course for now.

    20. Too little. I am an Old so when I was growing up there was not (at least in my community) any of the high-pressure stuff there is now. I did okay in school but what I was really interested in was drama and music, and it never occurred to my parents to say anything like “hey, you might want to concentrate a little more on academics because it will really open more doors for you later in life,” or “hey, you get a 3.7 GPA without trying — how about putting in a tiny bit more effort for that 4.0?” I was smart and was a National Merit Scholar for basically no reason without even trying, but I didn’t have any guidance about choosing a college, and went to the college my best friend went to (on a drama scholarship, funnily enough), but it wasn’t a good fit so I transferred to a huge public college, and struggled there and dropped out, and finished up at night school, of all things. Got back into the mainstream in a decent law school, but again had no guidance about clerkships and things that I could have gotten and would have been good for my career. I am happy with where I have ended up but honestly with just a bit more guidance along the way I could have gone much further.

      And ironically, when I tried to be the kind of parent I wished I’d had, my son was having none of it. Heh.

        1. If it makes you feel any better any post from my work computer goes there despite doing the “email us and check the box!” thing multiple times. Even if all it says is “+1.”

    21. I’m really surprised by the number of people who thought their parents did pressure them enough – especially after the comments on yesterday’s post!

      My parents put no pressure on either my brother or me. I was naturally motivated but had no support. I walked into the ACT cold and got a 33, which was 99% at the time but didn’t really know what to do with my interests or abilities. My guidance counselor (in a small farming town) suggested being a teacher when I said I wanted to study physics and go into science.

      I guess my brother and I turned out ok but I do wonder what I could have accomplished if I’d had more direction and guidance.

      2. Yesterday’s discussion was about pressure about sports, this is pressure about school. I think most people here feel that school is a job and sports are a hobby.

    22. I’m Indian and grew up in a diverse community. My Indian parents were unique in that they never really put any pressure on me – in fact they were worried about all the pressure I put on myself, so much so that they took me to a therapist in junior high. I went to a pressure cooker high school with a ton of other children of Asian immigrants, where the college you went to was considered a reflection of your self worth. I did not get into my top choice school (a top Ivy) and was bitterly disappointed by the school I ended up going to (it was the highest ranked school I got into, top 15 in USNWR but not Ivy). I worked my butt off, graduated in three years, and ended up going to that elite Ivy for law school (H/Y). I sometimes regret not transferring out of my college, since I had really excellent grades, good activities, and recommenders, and now I think it would have benefited my son to have the legacy benefit, but oh well. My career has exceeded even my own highest expectations, but I’m not sure my parents understand my accomplishments, but I am so grateful they never put the kind of pressure on me that other Asian parents did/do. They let me be my own person and encouraged me to pursue my dreams (before law school, that included journalism, psychology and a few other non-high paying pursuits). I am not sure I will be able to do the same for my own child, lol.

    23. Waayyyyy too much pressure. I was expected to have at least one summer job each year starting when I was 13, and I got in trouble when I couldn’t find work over Christmas vacation as well (as if anyone was hiring for one week a year). All money was turned over to dad for college. Any grade lower than an A got a grounding. 10:00 PM curfews up through college.

      It really messed me up and made me a lazy adult out of overcompensation. I got downsized from my job and thought “Finally, I deserve a break” and was completely unmotivated to find another job for far too long, because I had been busting my a$$ non-stop since middle school. I don’t keep as clean of a house as I would actually prefer, because it feels like a luxury to be a bit of a slob (my parents literally would not let me finish chewing my dinner before they prodded me out of my seat to start washing dishes). I find myself doing stupid, unhealthy things like having ice cream for dinner because I CAN, as if I’m making a point to anyone other than my husband and the cats.

      I am a Type A go-getter, encased in a husk of resentful baggage that makes me unmotivated and uncreative.

      1. Laughed at this one: I am a Type A go-getter, encased in a husk of resentful baggage that makes me unmotivated and uncreative.

    24. When I applied to college in the paleolithic era, I hand wrote my applications. Parents were clueless where I applied. Only advice I got was “If you don’t keep your grades up, you’ll end up going to X Community College.” Which is, coincidentally, where I’m an adjunct. It would have been a good choice. Parents gave me $50 for books first year, 0 the rest of the degree.

      Now if you ask me how much pressure I put on my kids, that’s a longer story and only useful in hindsight.

    25. Too little, and I became self motivated, but /during/ law school. I was smart and went to a magnet school, but sucked at sciences due to being lazy and had a middling GPA. Went to a regional private school with a scholarship, but as a business major and coasted by. A friend turned me onto the idea of law as a career and I did it because I could. Then in law school I FAILED epicly and was bottom 20% after 1L fall, which basically made me overcompensate and do everything I could to do the opposite in following semesters. I pulled myself up to a little above top 50% and took an internship every single semester thereafter.

      As a lawyer 3 years out now, I am super neurotic about any sign that I might be failing. I started a new practice area last year and have spent countless hours taking long walks and stressing out alone over whether I’m doing well or can do better in the future. I don’t easily believe people who say I’m doing well, or not for long.

      I wish my parents had put more pressure as a kid so that I don’t feel like I’m overcompensating for a life of coasting.

  6. I’ve started going to a workout class directly after work, and need to find a way to carry all of the stuff. Currently, I carry a backpack with my lunch and other random stuff but there isn’t room for my exercise stuff. I think I want a canvas tote bag with a zipper to carry in addition to my backpack – something big enough to carry a change of clothing, shoes, and a water bottle. Any recommendations for under $50? Or other suggestions?

      1. LL Bean also has a great backpack that has a bottom shoe pocket, and enough big pockets to call all your things and separate them. It’s not exactly sleek, but extremely functional. Look on their website for the Turbo Transit Pack.

    2. I’d go to your local sporting goods store and poke around in the gym bag section. I’ve been pleasantly surprised, particularly by Adidas and Puma in the last 5-10 years.

      1. Also Decathlon, if you have one where you are. I have established a near-daily gym habit this year and finally upgraded to a real gym bag in the last two months, and it’s made life so much easier (pockets! Loops for my towel!)

  7. I realized that I developed a lot of habits or practices in my last job that I hated, and I don’t want them to affect the wonderful job I’m in now. Things like clock watching, instinctually going to this site/others which I used to do as a way to avoid work for a few minutes – I don’t need to avoid this work, I like it!, Any suggestions from people who made this change, and how to develop a more positive attitude towards work?

    1. If you can install a focus app on your computer/browser, it’ll stop you from mindlessly checking sites to avoid work (something I myself just started and have found it helpful). Also a bit of mindful thinking – what am I doing right now? Why? What should I be doing instead? To train yourself back into good habits.

  8. I’d like to start a petition to ban bachelorette parties that anyone has to travel to. Grabbing a beer with your local friends, whatever, but having an organized party that requires a plane flight and a whole weekend of hotels and activities ($$$$) seems to be a significant source of financial and emotional stress for many women I know, including me (especially as an introvert!)! It also seems to have gotten bloated in the last 20 years. Did these types of parties held across the country even happen in the 1990s? I totally get wanting to celebrate with your friends, but…that’s what the wedding is for.

    1. It’s totally a recent thing and I hate it. I opt out of every one I’m invited to, except my BFF’s which I had to organize as the maid of honor.

        1. Honestly, I think people don’t really know what entitled means and stick it on to everything. How is it entitled to go on a trip with friends? If lots of people can’t go, you simply do local. If everyone but you wants to go, you don’t go. It’s not a middle school party where you’ll be excluded and bullied for not participating. You’re an adult. Decline and move on. It is no one’s fault and honestly it’s a bit weird that you think traveling with friends is some sort of entitlement instead of just what it is, an excuse to go on vacation with your closest friends – that very rarely happens otherwise.

          1. It’s entitled because it’s yet another event focused on the bride. I’ve been involved in weddings where I was expected to go to an engagement party, a bridal shower, a lingerie shower, a bachelorette party out of town, and a destination wedding. It’s all too much to ask of your guests. And yes, there were hard feelings when I didn’t go to all of the events. It is not as easy as just using your words.

          2. It’s not entitled to go on a trip with friends. It’s entitled to throw an event in honor of your marriage, in addition to your actual wedding day, with the expectation that people will move heaven and earth to attend, and anyone who doesn’t attend isn’t “showing up for the bride.”

            I love girls trips and have many friends that I successfully travel with. But traveling with one or two close girlfriends, where you can mutually decided on a destination, a budget, accommodations and activities is totally different than being invited to a bach party where you have no say in the destination, little to no say in the budget (and if you try to move the budget downward other people will shame you and tell you you’re not properly celebrating the bride) and little to no say in the activities.

            I’ve attended or almost attended two destination bach parties, both for close friends I really care about (I decline invites to parties for people who aren’t close friends). In one case I was the maid of honor, so I felt like I had to go, but I could not afford what the other bridesmaids wanted to do ($800 per person for one night at a Ritz Carlton, a Michelin-starred meal and an afternoon tea) and I was told point blank, to my face, by the other bridesmaids that I was a bad friend and “didn’t love” my friend because I didn’t want to give her “her dream party.” G-d only knows what they said about me behind my back. In the end, I pushed back, they spent less money than they wanted to spend, I spent more money than I wanted to spend and the actual party was miserable because of the tension between everyone. I don’t think the bride really enjoyed it either, fwiw.

            The other one was in Nashville, which I really wanted to visit, but the date was chosen without my input and I had a work conflict I couldn’t get out of. The MOH apparently organized the whole thing without checking with anyone, so in the end only 3 people attended. My friend was super hurt (though didn’t blame the guests who declined, after we explained to her what had happened) and the MOH harassed me and other invitees for months, asking us to chip in costs because it was insanely expensive for the 2 non-bride guests (since they split a large AirBNB and split the bride’s costs only two ways). I refused to pay money for a party I didn’t attend (although I offered $100 towards the bride’s expenses) and it ended my (casual) friendship with the MOH.

            So yeah I think these parties are awful. And calling them “girls trips” is like calling Hitler “not a good person.”

    2. No they did not happen in the 90s. Bachelor parties were still done the night before the wedding mostly (which I think is a terrible idea) and bachelorette parties were not as common generally but would have been the night before the wedding too mostly. I loved my destination bachelorette so I can’t talk but it was VERY optional and some of my besties didn’t come.

      1. Yeah, I’m the OP and I agree it’s one thing if it’s very optional, but most of the ones I’ve been to have been very NOT optional. My budget has been really affected and I don’t even have a huge circle of girlfriends!

        1. If you can’t afford to go, you can’t afford to go. If your friends are real friends, they’ll get it.

          1. IDK – it’s not uncommon to have 3-4 weddings plus in one year and annoucing that you can afford to attend only 1-2 bachelorette parties is bound to lead to hurt feelings as well depending on whose parties are chosen.

          2. You either set a brightline rule that everyone can clearly understand (eg., you go if you’re in the wedding party only, which is quite common in my friend group) or you decline all of them. I’ve never been to one and still have friends.

          1. Much harder to do when you don’t have the life experience or context do actually do so. I look back and wish I had said no, but in the moment it didn’t even cross my mind since I was in the wedding party and it was essentially “mandatory.” Even pushing back on using their professionals for hair and makeup was frowned upon.

        3. Which is strange, but in the 90s, our student loan burdens were not that high. But now, with the recession in the close-rear-view mirror and young people starting off with massive loans, I am not sure how/why people seem to be blowing through money on things like this. I know it’s not everyone. But I am surprised that it is as many people as it seems to be. Keeping up with the instagrammers?

          When I was in my 20s/early 30s, I still thought that beer in bottles was fancy.

          #cheapdate

          1. I honestly think part of it is feeling like student loans are so monumental/inevitable/hopeless that who cares if you throw extra money at it to pay it off in 23 years instead of 25. Like if you’re staring at a number in the triple digits and are on IBR and are making 50K a year post taxes, you don’t feel like you’re going to have enough money to pay off loans or save meaningfully for retirement anyway, so why bother depriving yourself?

            This is idle speculation on my part because I went into a job with big law style pay but in a regional market where housing costs were cheap, so I was able to pay off my student loans in 4.5 years even though they were substantial – I have many friends that make half that or less and live in much more expensive cities, so their finances are a lot tighter.

          2. I think partly it’s because people are more spread out now. Your best friends might all live in different states.

        4. I don’t understand how a trip is not optional? Like…does someone have a gun to your back? Literally don’t book the flight, don’t pay for a hotel, don’t go. Honestly, I think people want to find something to be up in arms about. The world is falling apart, you really don’t need to target a luxury activity that you have full option not to participate in. If your bride friend gets pissed at you for not going, for whatever reason (although I do understand social etiquette to have some type of “excuse”, even if it is “I am not available that weekend” is better than “I don’t want to go because attention on you involving travel is beneath me” is…kind of mean).

          1. I sort of see both sides here. Yes, no one has a gun to your head. But it’s really not as simple as “I can’t go that weekend.” You’re talking about trips that typically only include 4-10 people. The organizer asks everyone what weekends work for them and accommodates everyone’s schedule, so it’s really hard to use scheduling as an excuse. If you use cost as an excuse, the organizer or bride may offer to pay part or all of your costs, which can a) lead to hurt feelings of other people who didn’t get their trips comped, b) be really awkward and embarrassing for the person who is offered financial assistance, especially if it’s really a question of budget priorities not actual affordability, c) lead to hurt feelings on the part of the bride if she feels you’re not prioritizing her trip (eg you “can’t afford” to attend her trip, but attend a destination bach part for a closer friend the next month). It’s super complicated and the people who are saying “just don’t go” are over-simplifying this or are lucky enough to have super laid back, anti-Bridezilla friends.

    3. I understand traveling to the bride’s current city (if she or you moved away for school/work) and I would pony up money to go if it was a really good friend, but I’d definitely draw the line at going to destination bachelorettes.

      1. Counterpoint: all of my friends now live in different cities (DC, LA, NYC, and Portland). I live in a different state. If we wanted to get together for a bachelorette, there was no clearly obvious location. Everyone would have had to travel. We picked a destination we all wanted to go to when I was MOH for my DC friend. We had already all been to DC and wanted to go somewhere else. It’s fine if this is not what you want to do, but I don’t think it’s fair to call people “entitled” for going on trips, as someone said above. “Good for her, not for me.”

    4. My friend group is very dispersed, in a way that I think is more common now than it was previously? I had the most low-key bachelore**e I could manage–local to the majority of the invitees, we stayed at one of my bridesmaids’ houses, we kept activities budget-friendly–but two of my bridesmaids live five states away from me, and one lives in Europe. There was no way for me to pick a location that wasn’t going to require someone to get on a plane or train. The Europe friend didn’t come to the bachelore**e, which was totally expected. What else was I supposed to do, exactly? Just not have one?

      1. I mean…yeah, not having a bach party is of course an option. I understand that you wanted one, but it’s not like you can’t get married without one.

      2. Na, I got married in the early ’00s and my friend group was very dispersed – I had high school friends, college friends, law school friends all in three separate regions of the country. Most of my college and law school friends were in a similar situation, since they’d moved away from home for college and then moved again for grad school and/or their first professional job. Bach parties were the night before the wedding with whatever guests had already arrived in town, and just involved a night of drinking at a bar (DH and I had a joint one, but separate ones were more common). On the other hand, some of my high school friends have kids getting married now (I know) and even though these kids have never left their hometowns, so all their friends are literally in the same city, they’re still having destination bach parties. This is a social media thing, not a dispersed friend group thing.

        1. This. DH’s friends flew in for the wedding a couple days early so they could have the bachelor party in the wedding city without resulting in additional cost. Do a night about 3 days before the wedding. Guests can fly in early without having to make an additional trip.

      3. Yes, don’t have one or do something the night before the wedding. Those are both very valid (and I would guess very welcome) options for your bridesmaids.

      4. Yes, just not have one (quelle horror!). Or only invite your local friends and make it very clear to your long-distance bridesmaids that their attendance is not expected. It’s not a “low key” party if you expect your long-distance bridesmaids’ attendance! I got married in 2012 and my bach party was brunch and a spa day with local girlfriends, which included only one of my bridesmaids. The other three were a plane flight away and of course did not fly in for manicures and mimosas. Expecting people to fly to celebrate you twice (three times!? with the shower) is insanely self-centered.

        1. This is part of the reason I didn’t have a bridal shower. (Well, that and there aren’t any two female members of my family who can tolerate being around each other and/or me at the same time.)

          I don’t wish I had a bridal shower… I wish I had been in a situation (not dysfunctional family and friends who lived close by) to have one.

        2. I guess I’m confused because my friends and I had, I guess, semi-destination bachelorettes (driving or cheap bus/train ticket distance from where all of us lived but one, staying at reasonably priced hotels) and everyone that had the vacation days/money/time/inclination to go went and the people that didn’t, didn’t with no hard feelings. I would have been hurt* if they decided not to have one because they didn’t want to impose on anyone or if they only invited people that lived geographically close to them. I mean obviously don’t pressure your friends to come or be entitled to their presence, but I think it can go too far the other way and end up excluding them if the message they receive is “this is a courtesy invite and that’s why they keep telling me not to go through the effort of coming.”

          *hurt is not the right word since it implies a little more entitlement than I really mean but I can’t think of the right one.

        3. I had some serious sh*t going on in my life at the time, so actually my MOH (one of the out-of-staters) had to poke me to make a bachelore**e happen at all. (I had already traveled for hers, happily: I like spending time with my friends!) My out-of-towners would have been hurt if they were excluded, or only included as an afterthought. Maybe that’s not true of all friend groups and wouldn’t generalize to everyone planning a bachelore**e involving travel, but it was definitely the case for my group. I didn’t mention this originally, but it was in the MOH and the other out-of-state BM’s hometown anyway, so they got some family time too.

          I did not have a bridal shower and my husband didn’t have a bach party, so it’s not like we’re over here being total slaves to tradition. And to be clear, I had folks from out of town who couldn’t attend mine, which was 100% fine with everyone. An invitation is not a subpoena.

          But overall, gotta say this thread feels very “anyone who does not do exactly what I would do is WRONG.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I support everybody making the choices that are right for them, whether that’s not having a bach, having it the day before the wedding, planning a trip to Cancun that everyone is excited about because friend time on the beach, being the one person who can’t go to Nashville because it’s not in their budget or because they just don’t want to, or literally whatever.

    5. Definitely a recent thing. When my crowd was getting married in the mid 00’s, b-r3tt3 parties were more “let’s get together for dinner then bar hop for drinks/dancing” and the furthest anyone traveled was like an hour drive/train. The all in cost per person was probably less than $100.

      I’m thankful we were married in the age of nascent social media, which I think has significantly contributed as everyone wants cute/fun/adventurous pics for the ‘gram.

    6. I suspect it has to do with people getting married later, when friend groups are already more scattered, so doing a long reunion is more attractive AND there’s a sense that people have to travel anyway so why not travel to Cancun (because it’s exhausting and expensive! but I suspect this is part of what people are thinking).

    7. I was the last friend to get married, so most people had small babies when I got married, so this didn’t happen for me (and I wasn’t the type to inflict it). Also, I didn’t bother with bridesmaids, which was fantastically well-received.

      In all honesty, I should have used the time/money/flexibility I had then to visit a friend who moved to Australia and taken 2 weeks off for it. I didn’t realize how scarce it would be once I got married and had kids.

      I would likely have declined anything over the top unless I truly would have done the trip otherwise. My friends were not nutty about trips but I have heard stories . . .

    8. Then don’t go! Anyone who would guilt trip you for not going is not a true friend, and better to find that out sooner rather than later. But if someone wants to do it, let them live their life and stop judging your friends.

      I don’t think these types of bachelorette parties happened in the 90’s, although I don’t actually know since I was a kid. But a lot has changed in the last 30 year! It used to be very uncommon to travel yearly, and now everyone I know seems to be flying somewhere at least once a year. It used to be very common to get married right after college, and now the vast majority of my friends are getting married in the 30s. It used to be very common to live within 100 miles your whole life, and know I barely know anyone who hasn’t lived in multiple different parts of the country or world. Because people are now waiting longer to get married and are living in multiple cities, it is now very common to have friends living very far away. They are going to have to travel to a bachelorette party regardless of where it is.

      1. I mean yeah, I’d love to not go, but you end up really looking the bad guy when you’re in the bridal party, especially if it’s small and your absence is missed. Two of the three most costly and time-consuming bachelorette parties were when I was MOH or a key bridesmaid.

        1. Nope, you can still say no. If you are close enough to be MOH or a bridesmaid, you are close enough to tell your friend that you can’t afford the trip. This is a key example of when people have to just use their words, and if your friends don’t understand, they are not true friends.

          1. Anon, I have done that and it makes it worse. “I can’t afford to go” or “I have to decline” have been met with “but I really need you there and will do anything to help reduce the cost!!” Then I look like the jerk when their accommodations still aren’t enough and now that I’m not going, the cost of splitting the rental house is even higher for the other girls. I have tried all types of refusals, but the brides have been committed to making it work. One even offered to pay for me to attend, which made me feel like a pathetic charity case when I was young and had no money and was invited to go out with her rich friends.

            I’m so glad for you that your friends have been so understanding and not at all upset that you have skipped their parties. That hasn’t been the case for me and it hasn’t been as easy as “nope, see you at the wedding!” Trust me, I used my words and I wished they worked.

          2. You’re using your well-earned maturity to make this point… many 20 somethings do not have that life experience and their friends don’t either. By the time you’ve gone through all this bs it’s easy to say and convey, and its much better received to say “I can’t afford it” or “it just doesn’t work.” But I felt a LOT of pressure to go to these things. Especially when I was in BigLaw (for a whopping 20 months). From their point of view I had a very large income–what they didn’t see were my very large student loans (that my friends didn’t have–I went to law school in state and their parents generally paid but mine did not). To be fair, I didn’t attack them while I could. I was young and dumb and didn’t think I’d ever make less than I was at the time. Sigh.

            All that to say, it’s not so easy to say no. And it’s really not fair to act like it is or was. We grow up and we make better choices. And our friends grow up and mature with us.

          3. Agree with Anon at 10:16 – it is not easy to say no and it is not true that there are no repercussions. That’s a theoretical ideal but not now it works in real life.

    9. Omg I can’t with this. I’m sorry you seem to have trouble just saying no to parties you don’t want to go to. You should work on that. My closest friends live in Boston, NYC, DC, Kansas, and Seattle. I didn’t expect or insist or demand any of them attend my Chicago bachelorette but I’m not sorry at all I had it. I wish I had lots of local friends, but I don’t.

      1. Maybe you didn’t “insist” on it, but by having the party at all, it puts pressure on your friends who want to be there for you and be a great friend. No one wants to not be a part of making their good friend feel special. You may feel like you did your part by not insisting, but unless you explicitly gave the out-of-towners a pass, you can bet that all but the richest had some trouble making it happen.

        2. Actually, several of them didn’t come. And it was fine. BecauE we are all grownups and fine declining invitations.

        3. Nope, this is the exact wrong take. A person gets to have a party and invite their friends. That invitation is not a summons. If you feel that way about an invitation you receive, that’s 100% on you and not the host of the party.

          1. But this is not “having a party” – when you host a wedding (or your parents or friends host an engagement party or shower for you), the host is paying for the party. Guests have to pay their own costs of attending the event, but not your costs, and they receive food, drink and entertainment as thanks for their presence. When you “invite” your friends to a bachelor party, you’re actually sending them an invoice for part of the cost of throwing *you* a party. It’s tacky as h3ll.

          2. “When you “invite” your friends to a bachelor party, you’re actually sending them an invoice for part of the cost of throwing *you* a party. It’s tacky as h3ll.”

            YES. Cannot agree more.

          3. OMG you guys are missing the point, and I assume you’re doing it deliberately. The invitation is still not a summons. If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to go, but that doesn’t make the host or guest of honor a bad person for inviting you. Honestly, you guys all sound like terrible friends.

    10. They’re more common now, but I’ve yet to actually go to one. My friends are scattered all over the country/world, and most just didn’t have a bachelorette. One I skipped, one we went out two nights before the wedding once we were all in town, the rest just didn’t have one. I’ve got a friend getting married next year that I’ll probably fly to the bachelorette for, but that’s because I’m on the other side of the country and most of her other bridesmaids are in her town. I didn’t have a bachelorette party, because my closest bridesmaid lived 6 hours away and everyone was going to have to fly in for the wedding anyway. We did, however, have events the night before and morning after the wedding so we could spend lots of time with people.

    11. Yeah, as a few others have said, I think part of it is a function of the fact that close friends don’t often live super close to one another anymore. If a lot of the group is going to be traveling anyway, why not travel someplace fun (or somewhere warm if you live somewhere cold!)? Plus, I think it’s a fun excuse to go to a new city. I for one love going to destination bachelorettes! Of course they should be optional but I think a lot of people, when given the option, opt in because it’s fun!

    12. I had a destination one, but 2 of my bridesmaids had already done them, so I didn’t feel as bad. I did make it very well known that it was optional, and had a few friends opt out which was fine. I did get upset with one bridesmaid who told me she couldn’t afford it (totally okay), but then I found out during through her instagram that she had lied and went to another girl’s bachelorette party (also destination) the same weekend. Just don’t lie and it’s nbd!

      1. What makes you think she lied? Maybe the accommodations were paid for at the other location? Maybe she got a points ticket to that location but couldn’t find a points ticket to your location? Super nice that you assumed she lied to you.

        This is exactly why people are complaining that it’s not easy to say no and lots of brides don’t accept it when people blame money.

        1. Because my other friends ended up asking her about it and she told them she lied. I wouldn’t have minded if she said she had another bachelorette party to go to the same weekend. I was fine with other girls not coming because of cost, so it’s not like I “didn’t accept it”

          1. She clearly thought she had to lie to you. Maybe you didn’t make it clear that you were ‘fine’ with the other girls not coming. It needs to be expressly like “I completely understand if anyone isn’t able to attend. I don’t have any expectations at all of attendance and looking forward to celebrating with those of you are interested and able to attend. Please don’t feel obligated at all!”

    13. I had a very optional one two days before my wedding, for whomever was in town, and I paid for it. (A few of my man friends went, too, so I didn’t ditch them when they flew in to see me.) People were already travelling and spending a lot of money to be there, so I found it important that they not spend more or be more stressed. We all had fun, people got to know each other before the wedding, and I was happy knowing that my dearest friends were having fun.

        1. I actually feel like that’s the way to go. You want to travel, you pay for it. Can’t afford it? Don’t have a destination BP.

          1. It wasn’t a destination, in the sense that my wedding was in the town I moved to (trailing spouse of an academic), but all of my long-time friends needed to travel to the actual wedding. It just felt like the right thing to do – not drag everyone all over creation to “celebrate me” or have them shell out even more money on something I planned.

            I felt very celebrated and loved on my wedding day, and wouldn’t have felt any more cared for if they planned a trip to Vegas or the Keys for me.

        1. And you’re upset that you can’t make people feel how you think they should feel. You can’t tell a stranger how they felt about a personal situation that you weren’t involved in. Honestly you seem to be the same person trying to rile people up. Go sit down in your pessimistic black cloud.

          Having a previously committed trip is THE MOST acceptable excuse for missing any kind of travel. I completely understand Abby that instead of saying “I’m going to another bachelorette party” she told you “I can’t go because I can’t afford it” which is fine and could also true – but she couldn’t afford it because she was already committed to something else. The exclusion of the alternate trip seems weird and like lying by omission.

    14. Do you all remember Car Talk?

      They used to talk about the Marital Industrial Complex and man were they not wrong about that!

      1. +1!

        All these brides thinking they’re doing something so unique and fun when really they’ve been influenced by social media and advertising to walk the exact path they’re walking and shelling out those $$$ along the way.

        1. Orrrr maybe they’re actually having fun with their friends? Are people influenced by trends? Sure. Are they all mindless, brain-washed bridezillas? No, I don’t think so.

    15. I got married in 2002 and this was sooooo not a thing. And thank goodness, because none of us would’ve been able to afford a bachelorette trip. My party was a few weeks before the weekend, held locally. I think we went out to dinner and had drinks afterward. Several of my friends stayed overnight at my apartment. That was it, and it was lovely. But, I also recognize that most of my friends still lived locally or at least within an hour or two of my city. Now that social circles are more dispersed, I can see why the destination party has become a thing, but I still think it puts an enormous amount of pressure on people.

    16. We got married in 1999, and had a co-ed get together at a fun restaurant with our small bridal party on the night before the rehearsal dinner (what ever happened to those? I haven’t been invited to one in ages, despite travelling to weddings. We invited all of our out of town guests, as that seemed to be the accepted norm. Sorry for the rant). It meant we got to hang out with our friends and their spouses in a non “best behavior” setting, and it was fun! Everyone was already in town, so they didn’t have to make an extra trip.

      1. So, this is the funny thing that shows how everyone is different. I would actually hate that. If this was the night before the rehearsal dinner, your party was on Thursday night, right? So, now I have to take Thursday off to travel to the town of the wedding, take Friday off to bum around that town and probably can’t even see my friend getting married because she is busy with last minute wedding stuff, and then attend the wedding on Saturday when I also wouldn’t really get time with my friend. I would much rather travel to a bachelorette party after work on Friday, when I don’t have to take any of my limited PTO, and then actually get to spend real time with my friend over the weekend.

        1. Of course not everyone likes the same things. Re-reading my post I think my rant about the recent lack of rehearsal dinner invitations was confusing – our “batchelor/ette” party was ONLY for the bridesmaids, groomsmen and their spouses, so there was a total of I think 10 people, and we all got to spend plenty of quality time together that evening. Travelling 1 day early didn’t seem to be an issue for the one couple that traveled. (DH and I had just traveled to their wedding, where he was Best Man).

          1. At least in my circle rehearsal dinners are still very common but are just that – rehearsal dinners. Only bridal party members and immediate family are invited as a thank you for coming early and participating in the rehearsal. At this point in society with so many people living away from friends and family, a rehearsal dinner with out of town guests might as well be a mini-wedding – my wedding of 150 people would have had a rehearsal dinner with 100 people if we invited out of town guests.

    17. I like the idea of traveling to Vegas with some female friends, or taking a road trip down to Foxwoods or Atlantic City or something, so I’m not going to condemn the very existence of this type of bachelorette party, but I think your whole bridal party has to be genuinely on board with it. Not reluctantly on board to go with the flow, but legit into the idea, and that’s probably not going to be the case in most situations.

      I’ve only been to one bachelorette party so far, and it was an hour-ish drive down Newport, RI for an overnight. It did cost each of us like 300 hundred dollars up front and then more for food and drinks, but it didn’t seem too over-the-top, so I’m not gonna say we shouldn’t have done that. I do think I’d get tired of it though, if every. Single. Bachelorette. Party. Was like that. And I was expected to attend 3-5 of them each year, yeah, that’d get old, and expensive.

    18. Voice of dissent – I love travelling out of town for these. My friends and I always talk about doing girls trips but they only seem to happen when we have an excuse. Plus I actually get to see my friend the bride, whereas when I travel for the wedding (which I also do) I’m lucky to get 10 minutes with her all weekend. Even when I get in town early (which usually means taking more time off work than I have to for a weekend bachelorette party), the night before and night before the night before events always seem to be a lot more focused on her catching up with out of town relatives (which is fine… but I also want to hang out with her at some point, and a weekend in New Orleans or San Diego a few months before the wedding is the perfect opportunity).

      And no, I didn’t have one (got married in undergrad and before the legal drinking age so my “bachelorette party” was me and my roommates watching a romcom in our dorm).

      2. Agreed. I also went to tons of these in the 90s and 00s so disagree that they’re recent. I miss the era where all of my girlfriends could get away for the weekend and hang out together. It was wonderful not having to coordinate life, and to just go. We crammed into hotel rooms and rental houses and it was fun. It also solidified life long friendships.

      3. I agree that they can be really fun (depending on the group), but the cost…oh the cost. I’ve seen BPs expand to take over entire three-day weekends (hope you didn’t want to visit your family or go on vacation then) with higher-than-usual holiday weekend pricing at hotels to boot. They’re just getting SO bloated and I personally would love to spend the time with those friends the night before the wedding instead. I get why they’ve been special to you though, especially if cost hasn’t been a significant burden.

    19. I’m sure I’ll be piled on in the comments, but I disagree. I think people should have whatever celebrations they want and just be clear about boundaries and expectations.
      If you can’t afford it, let the bride know you can’t come, or talk to the planner and opt out of some activities (don’t want to do a multi-course dinner? Fine! Just let them know in advance and they’ll make the reservation for one less and you can join for a beer afterward.)
      Same goes for introverts. I’ve now been the one to plan a few of these for friends, and I’ve been mindful of scheduling some downtime at the house. Some of us have continued to hang out in the living room and chat during that time and others have gone off to nap/read/call their SO’s/whatever. No one is offended–you just need to be a self-advocate and set boundaries (and honestly, we’d all rather you do that than mope along and be sleepy and cranky the whole trip!)

      It’s sad that weddings are given the stature that other major life events aren’t, but as it stands, a bachelor/bachelorette party (we’re doing a joint one) is likely the ONE TIME in my life I’ll be able to have my besties from all my different phases of life who live all over the country in one place. I’m not going to turn down the opportunity to bring my people together and have some fun because of the off chance that someone I’ve invited can’t set the boundaries they want or say no. (And knowing my outspoken friends, I don’t think that will be a problem!)

      And for those of you who say it’s all about social media, I think that’s definitely a thing for some people, but for a lot of us–like me–it’s genuinely about wanting a fun time with people you don’t get to see often.

      4. “A bachelor/bachelorette party (we’re doing a joint one) is likely the ONE TIME in my life I’ll be able to have my besties from all my different phases of life who live all over the country in one place”

        Ummm…what about your actual wedding day? You get one day. A day. Not an entire year.

        1. The difference is that during the bachelorette party, you can actually spend quality time with a small group of friends. Once the wedding weekend kicks off, and you have the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and goodbye brunch, you have a ton of people in town to see you and you have to make sure you’re acknowledging everyone and showing gratitude to everyone, especially those who traveled.
          I don’t get this negative attitude towards people who DARE to have engagement parties, bachelorette parties, and bridal showers in addition to the actual wedding, especially since those parties are usually thrown by others in honor of the people getting married. Yes, if an individual bride is being a diva and demanding that people worship the ground she walks on several times between the proposal and the end of the wedding weekend, fine, side-eye HER for that, but can we maybe stop being mad at everyone who wants to have a few “yay, I’m getting married” parties before the wedding? You don’t have to go.

          1. Because, as tons and tons of people are saying here, it’s not as simple as “you don’t have to go.” Many brides expect their bridesmaids to attend all wedding events, barring exceptional circumstances like a death in the family or a sudden job loss that really impacts their finances. That’s the general rule of wedding etiqu*tte – when you agree to be in a wedding party, you’re signing up for all the wedding events, so yeah actually these endless, insanely expensive pre-wedding events really do negatively impact everyone in the wedding party. And even if the bride herself is very understanding, there are lots of other people involved in planning bachelore*tte parties, who won’t take no for an answer and can be really pushy in their own right.

          2. +1 this. I don’t think people who aren’t well versed in wedding etiquette get that other than the wedding, pre-wedding events are hosted by other people as gifts for the couple. You don’t have to pay a dime or show up for pre-wedding events (except for a shower, where the whole point is to shower the bride in gifts – and with that just don’t go), which are often thrown by different segments of your life (MIL shower, Mother shower, engagement party by the parents or BFF, etc.). He** the bachelorette is planned and thrown typically by the MOH or another friend not the bride. If no one else wanted to host these things to celebrate the bride, they wouldn’t happen so you’re really bitter about someone else loving the bride enough to celebrate her.

            I think the people that are up in arms are either 1) cheap, 2) don’t like to travel, or 3) worst yet, jealous – there have been several comments about “too much attention” and “entitlement” and “how dare you celebrate more than one day” – stop being selfish, attention and happiness is not a pie with only so many pieces. At the end of the day, a traveling bachelorette is just an excuse to travel with good friends. Treat it like any trip and don’t go if you don’t want to go.

          3. Because the engagement party, bach party, and bridal shower are usually hosted and paid for by other people.

        2. Have you ever been married? You DO NOT get to spend good quality time with your friends on that day. You’re doing stuff and paying a lot of attention in particular to relatives. You can sit down at a table and shoot the sh*t with your college bestie for 30 minutes at your wedding. It’s an entirely different thing and you’re ridiculous if you try to pretend it’s not. But you could also be a bitter 80 yr old single hag or a male neckbeard with no experience with women so you wouldn’t know because the internet is a strange place and you could be anyone.

          1. Yup, I’m married. I deliberately had a small wedding so I could have lots of quality time with my guests. I also hosted other wedding weekend events so I had the chance to spend additional time with many of my wedding guests. If you want more time with your close friends, you HOST an event that is free for them to attend when they are already in your location because of your wedding. You don’t ask them to take several days off work and shell out upwards of $2,000/person to fly to Nashville or New Orleans. That is so incredibly selfish.

          2. Wow, that was over the top, Anon at 12:41.

            I’m married. Our wedding was small precisely so we could spend time with our out of town guests. I’m the one who planned and paid for her bach party the night before the rehearsal. After the rehearsal dinner, whomever was around all gathered in the hotel lobby/bar for drinks and snacks and catching up. We had a brunch wedding so that we could have the entire day to hang with our guests, and then took the people still going strong out for dinner (yes, in my wedding dress).

            You can absolutely spend time with people – you just have to structure your wedding that way. If you want to make a different choice about your wedding, that’s fine, but understand that it’s actually a choice. I got up at 6 am on my wedding day (despite being up until after midnight at the aforementioned lobby get-together) to go for a run before getting hair/makeup done, but the lack of a leisurely “getting ready” day meant that I got to spend time with my friends.

          3. “80 year old hag”

            You have just defeated yourself. If there’s a tr0ll here it’s you.

        4. This is exactly why people feel pressured to go. Who wants to be the one that ruins it for the ‘one time in my life’ bride.

      5. I agree. Although if you live long enough you might get another opportunity or two — I had a blowout destination 60th birthday party and OMG it was amazing!! I invited pretty much everybody I know, and those who wanted to/were able to attended, and those who couldn’t/didn’t want to didn’t, and it was great.

        1. Birthday parties don’t have the same pressure because it’s not a ‘once in a lifetime’ trip. The old refrain of ‘you only get one bachelorette’ is not a thing re birthday parties.

          1. Exactly. I feel very differently about birthday parties because they’re much easier to decline.

    20. I went to a bunch of bachelorette parties in the 1990s. There was no travel involved. Generally it was a night of bar hopping and opening a few gifts that were generally risqué/novelty items. Sometimes a visit to Chippendales. But no Vegas, no overnights, no three day agendas. It is out of control.

      My niece just got married and did the Vegas weekend thing. She was a total bridezilla and completely alienated her cousins and new sisters in law with her demands. It was ridiculous. Two of the new sisters in law couldn’t afford all of it so they had to skip some parts – like only staying one night of the two, not going to the concert, etc – and then she was totally shady to them on social media about not being there.

      This wedding industrial complex needs to go.

      1. Seems like the problem was your nasty niece, not the “wedding industrial complex.”

        1. +1. That is all on the bride, not the type of event. I’m sure should would have been horrible even if it was a local event

    22. I think one thing that’s missing in this thread is some acknowledgment that brides could be a lot more sensitive to costs and time commitment in advance. Yes, guests can say no and they should, but it puts your bridesmaids/friends in an awkward position to have to decline because of their budget. They’re your friends and you probably have a good idea of what their position is like – why would you even suggest a four-day weekend in Cancun when you know your friend makes $38K and has to support her ailing mother? So they can feel left out and like they’re letting you down when they have to decline? So they can compare themselves to your rich friends who are Googling the trendiest restaurants for all of you to eat at for $40 a plate? If it’s REALLY about spending quality time with your friends, then you should either pay for it or bend over backwards to make it doable for everyone without them having to reveal their financial insecurities to you and the rest of the attendees. I totally get that this is technically their own business and not the bride’s concern, but for a TOTALLY OPTIONAL party, it seems like the brides can often do much, much more to make it doable upfront.

    23. I’ve enjoyed going on bachelorette weekends for several friends in the past year, its a great way to get away and celebrate. Where I have a problem with whole idea of the bachelorette weekend is the expectation that I should pay for the bride’s share of the trip. Especially when I’m in the bridal party and already putting down close to $1000 for the wedding, shower, etc.

    24. Man, I am so glad I am An Old and did not have to deal with this nonsense when I got married.
      My “bachelorette party” consisted of going to dinner with my bridesmaids and our close male friend and then going to a bar for a quiet drink the night before my wedding (this was in 1999).
      My two closest friends got married in 2002 and 2003 and their “bachelorette parties” were similar in that we just went to dinner/out for drinks a night or two before the wedding. One of my friends got married at the Little Chapel of the West in Vegas which was tremendous; the easiest way to do a wedding I have seen.
      15-20 years later we are all still married to our first spouses which I feel is the goal of getting married, que no? To stay married? I think this whole “let’s have a bachelorette party that rivals the wedding in cost” is just another demonstration of the stupendous self-involvement that’s so endemic in our society these days. It’s no longer enough for brides to have a whole day of “look at me,” now it must be months of expensive events where it is all about “look at me! LOOOOK at MEEE!!” I feel the same way about “gender reveal” parties.

      1. Yes, this is exactly how I feel, especially that the goal of getting married is being married to the same person 20+ years later.

    25. I think it coincided with the rise of Facebook and social media. Didn’t exist before mid/late 2000s in any significant way.

      1. I agree completely and I think everyone who is saying otherwise has their head totally in the sand.

    26. There is so much “I’m old and out of touch and hate the way young people do things because it’s different from the way I did it” in this thread.

      1. Really? I think there are a lot of people at different stages of life saying it is too much, and all the brides who did this or plan to do it are super defensive.

        1. This. Like 90% of the posters who are okay with destination BP are the ones who had them.

      2. I got married like six months ago and was very sensitive to issues of time and cost, because I care about my friends.

      3. Textbook bridezilla to call everyone who disagrees with you “old and out of touch”

        Nice.

  9. I followed the thread yesterday on the high school athlete with interest, because my BIL and SIL appear to have a national-caliber prospect on their hands. He’s just 13, but their family is already struggling to balance his needs with the needs of the rest of the family. Using the word “investment” makes me squirm, but at the same time: what level of investment is reasonable? He plays a sport that is possible in their area, but not easy to make work. My SIL says the thought of pulling him back breaks her heart, but their younger daughter is starting to push back on everything revolving around her brother. The commute to his practices is hard for everyone. It’s a big financial commitment, and there’s no guarantee he won’t want to stop eventually, just like the son from the post yesterday.

    DH and I are very close with them, so we talk about it a lot. You all always have such thoughtful advice from perspectives I wouldn’t think of, so I thought I’d put it out there.

    1. I think it’s time for them to make changes. His sister needs to get her needs met.

    2. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for them to set limits for the sake of their family culture and their other children. The fact is, there’s a 99.9% chance he will not be a professional athlete, and even on the slim chance he is, he all but certainly won’t be a world-famous one. So, except for the enjoyment of the moment–what’s the point? And his parents get to decide based on not only his own enjoyment, but the enjoyment/health/happiness/stress of the entire family unit.

      Yes you want to support your children in their interests, but resources are limited — and time and energy are resources, just like money. So, if the parents didn’t have the money to support the sport, would you recommend they mortgage their house or take out massive credit card debt to allow him to do it anyway? Probably not, it would just be the case that, unfortunately, the family can’t afford it. The same perspective can be applied to time and energy — if it’s draining and unsustainable for the family to allow him to do the sport, then the family does not have sufficient time resources to support it. And unlike credit card debt, there’s no way to buy more time. It may simply not be possible, and that’s okay.

    3. A 13 year old can look “great” if he happens to develop a bit sooner than his peers. Whatever advantages he has may disappear in the next year.

      Absent some real need (like a disability), the kids get equal resources. Time is a resource. Figure out how much time is reasonable and insist the sport fit within those constraints. This could mean carpools or he does the sport for one season, not three.

      Finally, that’s a really bad look to the daughter. She gets the short end of the stick because she’s younger, or a girl, or not insisting that the family revolve around her? No.

      2. Also a 13yo who is a decent prospect can get injured as a 17yo and not be able to play, at least at the D1 or D2 level. This happened to one of my kids and my spouse.

    4. I can totally see why little sis is getting pissed if she’s spending hours and hours driving around to accommodate her brothers practices. Any reason one parent can’t do the drive and the other stay home with little sis? Making the whole family do each one sounds ridiculous TBH. If it’s a team sport, isn’t this where support from other parents on the team could help? If the commutes to his practice could be handled by car pool then each family only has to do 1 out of 3 or 4 commutes.

      1. The whole family doesn’t go to practice–my SIL takes him because she has a more flexible schedule. They’ve tried to find a carpool but nobody ever seems to live in their direction.

        The push-back from my niece appears to be more around things like weekend tournaments (she’s not old enough to be left on her own) and general whininess about wanting mom home, instead of always being at practice with her brother.

        1. Why can’t dad take kid to tournament and mom stay home with daughter? At least alternating tournaments?

        2. They have to find a way so that the niece doesn’t have to go to the weekend tournaments!!! Immediately! If he is in a national competition, maybe they can consider making her go. Anything else, no, absolutely not. That change alone will make her feel so less alienated and less important than her brother. Otherwise, your niece is going to feel like a second-class citizen in her own family – and for valid reasons, since her brother’s wants are being put before her needs.

          If she is missing her mom (which sounds like a legitimate feeling if it seems to her like her mom is always off with her brother), then dad should take the brother to the tournament and mom stays home with the niece. There is no reason that both parents need to be at every weekend tournament.

        4. I was your niece, 30 years ago (oof). My brother was a three-season athlete and for a long time, my parents would drag me along to the weekend tournaments (2 or 3 10-12 hour days in the blazing heat watching a sport I had no interest in). When I was 10 I threw a temper tantrum and refused to go, and my parents finally relented and let me stay home by myself from then on even though I probably was a little young to do that (I was a pretty responsible kid, however). But I had had it and wasn’t going to any more tournaments. It absolutely sucks being stuck for an entire weekend at an event you have no interest in and nothing to do with. I did not want to be a “team assistant” or a cheerleader or any of the other little unpaid jobs they thought up for nonparticipating siblings to do. No thanks. It was not fair and I still have resentment over it, especially because my brother – who got all kinds of attention for being a “star athlete” all the way through high school – did not even make his college team and dropped out of college after a year. All my life there had been all this talk about how my brother’s athleticism was going to get him a college scholarship and that was why we needed to sacrifice for his activities, and then it all turned out to be a big nothing. Meanwhile, I went to school on a full debate/forensics scholarship that paid for all four years of my college education. The number of my speech events my parents attended vs. the number of my brother’s games they attended were not even close to equal. Yes, I am still bitter about it.

        5. “Whining”? Because she wants to spend time with her mother? Yeah, what a brat…. /s

    5. Honestly, I think they need to have something like a family board meeting on this and let the kids do a lot of the talking. You are young once. And a star athlete for only a small portion of your life. You don’t want the daughter to feel so less than her brother. You don’t want the brother to grow up where the world and the family finances revolve around him [b/c when he tears an ACL, everyone’s world will end, except the daughter’s, who has it improve dramatically].

      I think that you have a time/money account for each kid and while you don’t treat them equally, you don’t give all to one and none to the other (maybe temporarily during an acute illness or sports travel trip) on an ongoing basis. [But there is some good amount of wisdom in threads / forums of families where one kid has a chronic illness that dominates the family and the other kid is just a vanilla kid.]

    6. I was a competitive figure skater growing up, which is an insanely expensive sport. I wasn’t Olympic caliber but was a couple steps down from that, and trained with some people who made a serious run at the Olympics. My philosophy about it – which was basically also my parents philosophy – is that you can’t think of it as a financial investment, because there’s no guaranteed return. Even someone who appears to be the best may not achieve the level of success you’d expect them to, because of random chance (Michelle Kwan is the perfect example of this: she’s widely regarded as the best skater in a generation and never won Olympic gold because phenoms kept popping up in her Olympic years). People have spats with coaches, get injured and yes, just decide to quit. My parents basically viewed it entirely as a hobby, albeit one that kind of took over our lives for a decade. As long as our family could comfortably afford it, they would pay for it, but they wouldn’t sacrifice our family’s lifestyle or their retirement savings/college savings to pay for it. And since it was just a hobby, it was never going to interfere with my education. They started out insisting I could never miss school for it, although they did eventually relent on that – in middle school and high school they arranged my class schedule so I could skate in the mornings and go into school a little late, but my schedule was such that I was just missing homeroom/free period. I still took all honors/AP classes, and if my grades had ever slipped, I know skating would have been the first thing to go.
      That said, there are no college scholarships for skating, so I could see how the calculation is a little different if you’re trying to get scholarship money, which is a lot easier than making it to the Olympics. I still think a 529 is a safer investment, even for the most talented athletes, though.

      1. This sounds like the attitude my BIL and SIL have been taking, which is good to hear. They can afford it–not without some sacrifices, but from what they’ve told us they make it work. They do pay for activities for my niece too, obviously. It’s just that her interests are more rec league soccer or community theater, instead of this hyper-competitive parallel universe with my nephew.

        Did you have any siblings? If so, what did that look like?

        1. No, I didn’t, and my parents have definitely told me that if I’d had siblings I wouldn’t have been able to skate at the level I did. I think it was more about finances than the time commitment involved though.

      2. My daughter is a competitive gymnast, and I agree with your parents’ approach 100%.

        The calculus shouldn’t be any different in a sport where college scholarships are available. Gym parents frequently joke that if this were an investment, we’d all have done better to put the money in a 529. An athletic scholarship is never guaranteed, and I can only think of one D1 gymnastics coach I’d actually want to entrust with my kid’s well-being. And that coach just retired.

        1. If it were an investment, you’d do better putting the $ in a mayonaisse jar and burying it in the back yard.

          Unless you are Bill Gates Jr., kids have a negative ROI.

    7. “The commute to his practices is hard for everyone.”

      Are they making her go to his practices? Because OMG stop that immediately.

    8. I can only share my perspective as a parent, but I think it’s sort of … horrible, honestly, to put one kid’s time-consuming hobby ahead of everything else that a family needs. It’s not fair to the younger sister who would love to try something of her own, for one, and it puts a lot of pressure on the gifted athlete to keep succeeding. I can’t imagine this not driving a wedge between the siblings, or the younger sibling and the parents. Any way you slice it, it’s not great for family dynamics for one kid’s desires to trump everyone else’s. Is it really worth it? The odds of landing a spot on a college team, let alone anything higher than that, are tiny. But, that’s just my take. I’m more about protecting the family unit than providing one child with anything and everything he or she could possibly need. Others feel much differently.

    9. I have no problem with supporting the son. Some kids truly are very talented and can become exceptional athletes. However, the sister also needs to be supported, not just in staying home from her brother’s practices, but in her own hobbies and interests. There is no world in which her time should be spent going to his practices. Games? Sure! It’s good for the family to show up and support each other. Practices are a completely different story and she should be 1000% exempt.

      1. And even games, depending on the sport. Sure like a few a year but not all weekend every weekend, and both parents shouldn’t be spending all their time watching him either.

        1. This. My daughter is a Super Committed Athlete, and after the first year or two most of the families started bringing both parents and the siblings only to really important competitions. Most weekends the parents divide and conquer so the other siblings (and parents!) can participate in their own sports and activities. They tend to switch off so each child gets some one-on-one time with each parent. The only family that still makes everyone come to every meet is the crazy family that still thinks their daughter is getting a college scholarship and going to the Olympics (she is good but not that good) and made their other two kids quit their own sports in favor of the Chosen One.

      2. I can’t picture making a kid go to any of their sibling’s games, yet alone all of them. that seems so boring, and takes away key kid time for her. Both my brother and I played sports in school, and I never went to his games and I can only remember one time when he came to mine (and that was only because it was a swim meet that we had to drive to before I had my license, my mom couldn’t make it, and so my brother had to be the one to drive me to the meet).

        1. If I have kids, there will definitely be an expectation of supporting the other sibling at important games/recitals/events. The same goes for supporting parents at important events. To me, it’s part of supporting your family and being there for big moments. I would not, however, force one sibling to attend the other’s routine games on a weekly basis.

          1. This all sounds nice in practice, but it isn’t necessary practical in application. I’m the Anon at 11:04, and the true of the matter is that my brother and I almost always couldn’t go to the other’s games because they were at the same time as our own sports practice or games. When most HS sports have the games/meets right after school, it will just conflict with one another. Neither of us was a good enough athlete to be on a national level. And when I did compete in all conference and state for one of my sports, it was during the school day and a 3 hour drive upstate, so of course my brother didn’t come to watch.

            We did go to each other’s band recitals, but that’s only twice a year, and he came to one show of each play I was in, but again only a few times a year. That is just not comparable to making a young kid spend all weekend, most (every?) weekend at her brother’s sports tournaments. Making a sibling “support” their other sibling on a weekly or even monthly basis by attending some long, long event they are going to find boring is not going to help their relationship.

    10. FWIW, my older sibling looked like a world-class talent…until age 15 when puberty hit full force and everything changed. The odds your 13-year-old nephew will turn out to be a superstar athlete – even a D1 college athlete – are actually pretty low, no matter how good he is now. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t encourage him, but it’s an important reality check.

      As the younger sister, it was really hard. My sibling was special/talented/the focus of family attention, and I wasn’t. It took a long time to get over it and to feel like I deserved my family’s love too…and my sibling still struggles, at age 40, with the sense that the world doesn’t recognize his special-ness (because, IMO, he was such a star an then suddenly he wasn’t).

      1. I was a standout in a way b/c puberty hit me early, so I was shockingly tall as a kid. Like going to play basketball and/or be a model. Then everyone else caught up and a lot of them passed me.

        The sting (I used to be somebody!) is there — I used to be Somebody. Somebody You Knew. Somebody Who Was Talked About.

        My kids have my genes. 100% of the convos with strangers at a park all are “They ARE tall, aren’t they.” But they aren’t TALL, they are people. People who deserve a future. Not people who will someday be Not Tall, Not Basketball Players (honestly, as a girl, where was that going to get me), and Not Models (that, too: molested and a drug problem).

        I feel bad for the sister in the OP’s example.

      2. Thank you–this is exactly what they’re trying to avoid, but they’re struggling since they have one kid whose interests seem pretty average and one kid whose interests are so much more resource-intensive. My nephew gets dragged to her soccer games and the play she did over the winter, too, but she’s a lot less obsessed with her extracurriculars, if that makes sense.

        What do you think your parents could have done to handle it better, if you don’t mind my asking?

        1. It would be unfair to ask the older child to give up his passion because his sister doesn’t have a comparable interest, just as it’s unfair for the parents to be asking the sister to go to all of her brother’s weekend tournaments.

          The mom needs to find a way to spend more time with the sister, even if it means asking dad to make some career sacrifices to drive the son to practice one day a week or to take the son to all of his tournaments so mom can hang out with the daughter.

          1. +1 to your first paragraph. Also, fwiw, I think the younger kid is kinda playing on mom’s guilt here. I’m not taking away from how incredibly boring tournament weekends can be, but she’s not being asked to sit through her brother’s practices. And, given that her parents are self-aware enough to be worried about the impact on her and the family, I doubt that they’re behaving in the same way as some of the other posters’ parents. I have three concrete suggestions: 1) I agree that dad needs to handle some of the tournament stuff solo and 2) for tournaments that all four family members go to, the daughter and one of the parents should find local attractions to go visit for part of the day.

            Finally, you don’t identify the sport, but all sports have a dominant season even though they may have travel teams/tourneys at all times of year. I was a year-round competitive swimmer from age 8 through college at a D1 school, so I understand the pressures– but the family should consider taking “off” the less dominant period of the year. Find a way for the son to scale back on practices for that season and don’t enter any tournaments. If he’s actually as good as they think, he’s not going to blow his chances of travel team or high school or college greatness by pulling back for a season at age 13.

          2. This last paragraph is not necessarily correct. My daughter is a gymnast, and there is no “off” season. They don’t compete all year, but when they are not competing they are uptraining new skills for the next season. Scaling back on practices is not possible. You either go to all the practices, or you choose a different sport.

        2. Her interests seem more vanilla because she’s like 10 years old and her home revolves around her brother!

        3. I frequently did have to go to my brother’s practices because of family schedules, and we all traveled to his meets on the weekends, which were all over the place. When one sibling’s sport is that all-consuming, it chews up all the oxygen in family life. It really would have been better if my parents had not made me go to his practices and not made me go to his meets unless they were super important or in a fun place where I could do something other than play in the landscaping outside the gym for 2 days. Everything about our family life underscored that he was special – I needed to feel like my parents thought I was special too.

          The other thing was that while I was made to go to all of his practices and meets, he was never asked to come to anything I did. So when I started running at age 9 (and quickly proved to be very talented at that), my brother was never asked to come to a race – not even when I ran in the state championships in middle school/high school. He never came to a school play or a performance, or anything that I did. My parents were *great* parents, but the idea that my sibling should also support me (as I’d been asked to support him) just never entered the picture. And I think that’s part of why he continues to struggle to adjust to being Not Special all these years later.

          Ironically, I was the one who ended up having athletic scholarships on the table and as an adult I’ve had a super successful amateur athletic career. Sibling still doesn’t deal well with that at all, and he’s 40 now.

          1. At least your brother was special for his accomplishments. My sisters were special for being them – one a complete train wreck in her teenage years, the other, the precious late-in-life baby. I was expected to fend for myself, and they were given guidance, resources, expensive private high school ($50k/year), all that. They are now completely insufferable people.

            I started to see some of it, but when my husband came on the scene, he was blown away. Things like, they couldn’t act normally at a family funeral (just ignored everyone else, hung around each other, got snotty when introduced to close friends of the deceased); they burn through friends every couple of years; they act like no man is good enough for them; one loses a job every year because of her attitude; it goes on. But it’s so ingrained in my family that they are special and hard-working and all that, that I sort of accepted being the failure and never being good enough.

          2. This is helpful. There is definitely the expectation that he goes to her stuff, at least–she just has objectively less of it. Her personality is more towards the chill on the couch end of the spectrum, although of course this could change.

            I do agree, reading over all of the responses, that they could cool it on the whole family going to his games. That would give her more mom-time, if my BIL takes him for the weekends. They’re very “we’re a family and we support each other!” but I don’t see how that’s going to be sustainable as the kids get older.

    11. So I know exactly one family where this entire scenario has worked well. Brother is a football player, won 4 state championships in HS, and even still only got recruited to one lower ranked D1 school. Then he got lucky with the head coach of that D1 school transferring to a higher ranked D1 school (for football – school #1 was a MUCH better academic school), he took his recruits with him, brother arrives at new school, rides the bench for one year, and then becomes a 3 year starter – much like the stud he was in HS, and then gets drafted in the late rounds to the NFL.

      He has a sister 2 years younger, who went to the same HS so it was 24-7 — OMG your brother IS SOOOO awesome. Mom and dad are clearly VERY invested in the son and his football career; they basically put their lives on hold from the time the son was in middle school until now in the NFL — dad goes to every practice in HS and many in college as well even though college is 4 hours away; mom/dad/sister go to every game even in college; and mom and dad ask sister to go to “important” practice events — like when he worked out for the NFL coaches, though not EVERY practice by any means. IDK what mom and dad did but brother and sister are super close with her even choosing to go to the same college as him knowing that it’d be another 2-3 years with people talking constantly about how her brother is such a big deal (though TBH IDK if there was pressure there — you can’t go across the country, you’ll miss all of BROTHER’S games in his junior/senior year; we HAVE to spend the entire fall at brother’s school, when would we visit you etc.). As close as they are, I get a bit of a — woman behind the man — vibe where the sister MUST SUPPORT BROTHER. She seems genuinely happy for his success, but at only age 20 will make comments about how she peaked in high school, she’s no big deal etc.

      She has blossomed a bit in college, and I think that’ll only continue now that he’s off doing the NFL rookie grind, people at college are going to forget about him a bit as there’s a new starter this year and yet as a rookie he won’t be playing major games on TV or anything, and she’s still at college by herself for 1-2 years. Completely different friend group than her brother, different major, is pursuing things she wants like study abroad and mom and dad are totally supporting that — even though it means that she missed important events for her brother like his NFL draft etc.

      So it CAN work, but it’s rare and it’s hard for the WHOLE family to revolve around one kid without that messing up the sibling relationship. I think in this family it worked because the sister didn’t have (and wasn’t cultivated to have) huge time consuming interests of her own as a kid, so she went along and supported her brother; and now that she is viewing this whole new world at college and developing her interests — mom and dad support those because it’s just verbal support for a major or internship or study abroad she wants, they don’t actually have to put their life on hold for it because she’s old enough to go pursue this stuff alone now.

      1. I think this is a great example the dynamic they don’t want! And I don’t think my niece would go for it anyway.

        I’m glad the sister is blossoming into herself, though.

    12. Sorry for the late response, but I was in this situation 10-15 years ago as a younger sister of a “star athlete” middle brother, and an average athlete eldest brother. , which really affected my personality and relationship with the star athlete, and my parents. He went on to play D1 baseball at a smaller university. My parents prioritized the baseball brother’s events, games and tournaments. He was good, and went to the little league world series 2 times, which we attended as a family. As the younger sister, my activities and sports were always second.Having to spend several nights a week, and on the weekend at games, where there were no other kids my age made me awkward and closed off, having to spend the time entertaining myself. I understand that my parents wanted to support him, and my mother had an irrational fear that he would be injured if she wasn’t there to watch. I got taken to every scrimmage, tournament and game in the fall, spring and summer seasons until I was ~12 or 13 and put my foot down and got to stay home. I also played sports through my childhood, and 2 varsity sports for 3 years in high school. I was never going to go pro, but it was serious to me at the time. It hurt to know you were second, or third in my case. It really damaged my relationship with my father, who made every effort to get to my star brother’s games, but not mine, even if they were at the same location, at generally the same time, when it would have been easy to walk over after an inning. it put a big strain on my relationship, that continues to this day. It was about the lack of effort to support me and my interest, not the talent.

      One potential change would be if the parents can trade off and have more time spent with the daughter, even if she just wants to be home. Its about showing her that her interest and actives are important too, just in different ways.

      I know its impossible to make it even, but showing her that she has value, whether she is the star or not would be very good for her and her self confidence.As the aunt, can you try to support your niece and help make her feel special? Maybe have a special aunt/niece outing when there is a tournament or faraway game, like going to the movies, shopping, or getting your nails done, whatever would fit you both.

  10. A few years ago, I got really sick and lost a bunch of weight. I went and bought new clothes after about a year of crying in my closet, wishing pants fit/etc. My doctor pronounced me healthy again last year, and cleared me to workout a couple months ago. I have been slowly gaining weight and muscle back. I’m not sure what my size will end up at, but I’m at the point where my ‘sick’ wardrobe is a little too tight, but the clothes I saved from pre-sickness are still too big. Any tips for straddling this in between period until I figure out where my new normal is? I’m willing to spend a couple hundred dollars if needed, but I’m stuck figuring out what to buy. My office is business dress, although dresses are fine with no blazer.

    1. I find skirts and dresses are a great in-between sizes option. I’ve lost 70 lbs over the last year and can still wear a lot of my skirts/dresses. Ponte fabric works well because it has a lot of stretch but doesn’t stretch out, IYKWIM. I’ve found great ponte dresses at lands end and skirts at macys.

      1. Agree with this. Lands end ponte is pretty forgiving and they are always on sale. Old Navy ponte isn’t bad, also. I also get a lot of use out of a basic black foldover skirt. Probably not appropriate for business dress, but a Karen Kane wrap dress could serve the same purpose and be more professional.

        1. +1 to both Land’s End and Old Navy. If you need pants, Target has some nicer ankle pants now that would be an inexpensive way to bridge the gap. I bought an emergency interview suit at Macys for about $125 (pants/jacket/shell).It’s not the greatest suit in the world but it served its purpose.

          Glad you’re feeling better!

    2. I was in this situation a few years ago. I eventually made it back to my original weight plus several pounds. Honestly, I lived in swing dresses with sleeves, stretchy and forgiving sheath dresses with jardigans, stretchy or loose flowy tops and blouses, and stretchy pencil skirts (lined ponte and similar). I still have 4 different sizes of black and gray pants. Most of them picked up at deep discounts from Loft, J Crew, Banana Republic, Talbots, and Ann Taylor.

    3. I’ve been trying out that new Loft rental service–maybe something like that to help you bridge the gap. Loft,
      Rent the Runway, etc.? For Loft, if you like something and buy it, it’s a steep discount too.

    4. I agree with the recs on dresses being easier than pants for weight shifts. I wanted to add that you should buy them on eBay. You can find lots of lands end dresses new on eBay from prior seasons (and they don’t really change from season to season) and then if your weight continues to change, you can donate them or sell them again on eBay or Poshmark without too much hassle.

      1. I like buying on Poshmark more than Ebay. It seems more organized and photos/descriptions are usually better.

  11. I’m single and like to be involved in a lot of activities outside of work. I got invited to represent my state in a national industry group that will require travel twice per year (and probably a quarterly, full day conference call from my office). I am already a board member at a local nonprofit, a chair of an active committee in my state industry group, and trying to plant seeds for future clients in my community. I want to say yes, but is there any way to predict if this will be too much? It’s the first time my state has been invited to have a representative, so I don’t have anyone local to call.

    1. Not really. If you say yes and it’s too much, you can always pull back — even in the middle of your term, if it gets to a critical point. However, if you decline, that opportunity is gone forever. I say go for it and see how it goes.

    2. Why don’t you reach out to representatives in other states and ask about the demands of the position? I’m sure you can find them on LinkedIn.

    3. This seems like something that will take a significant amount of time away from your primary job. Do you have the time and flexibility to take time off work 2-6 times a year for this one thing and pursue new clients?

    4. Granted, I’m coming from a place where I have definitely over-obligated myself to community involvement, but I would say h3ll no, don’t do it. I am definitely projecting the resentment I’ve started to feel towards some of the things I willingly signed myself up for. I’ve made it my mission to get better at saying no to things.

  12. Ok so this will sound silly but I’m serious here: Megan Rapinoe is making me reconsider my sexual orientation. I’m 35 and single, have had a few serious relationships with dudes, never even kissed a girl. But I’m attracted to her. What if I’ve just gotten my life wrong? And the reason I can’t find a husband is because I wanted a wife????

        1. I’ve noticed on Tinder that you can simply toggle the gender you’re looking for from male to female. A very small first step would be to do that and start browsing to see if anyone appeals to you, even in theory.

      2. +1. Lots of people have this realization in their 30s and WELL beyond. You haven’t “gotten your life wrong,” you’re learning as you go, just like everyone else. This can be fun or exciting if you don’t beat yourself up and just focus on what (if anything) you want to do next to explore this.

        BTW, I can picture Megan Rapinoe being very flattered and also pumping her fists in support of you.

    2. Try dipping your toes in the lady pond. Have you ever been attracted to women before? It might just be admiration rather than romantic physical attraction.

    3. Literally, go try it out. And watch the episode of Grey’s where Callie hooks up with the other heart doctor (I forget her name). It’s the woman’s first lesbian hookup, and she’s like shocked to discover that, yes, all along she was gay and didn’t know it, and she compared it to the first time she got glasses and could actually see the street lights clearly. Up until that point, she hadn’t even realized her vision was blurry. It’s a really powerful scene and may resonate with you!

    4. I’m a happy married woman who has never had an attraction towards other women, and she inspires …feelings…in me as well. She’s a good looking athlete who is at a peak of professional success. It’s not that unusual to be attracted to that. Explore if you would like, but take these things with a grain of salt. The dating pool (men or women) is NOT going to be like Megan Rapinoe. Lol

      1. Yeah. I really don’t think this is an indication you’re attracted to women generally. Just like all men are not George Clooney, all women are not Megan Rapinoe (or Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is the equivalent for me). The fact that you find one (famous, beautiful, successful) woman attractive doesn’t mean you want to be out there hooking up with women in general.

        1. +1. I would agree that you should explore it if you find other average women attractive. But being attracted to one famous, beautiful, successful person does seem like a sign to me, when the only average people who you have been attracted to in the past were men. (If the only man you have been attracted to in the past was George Clooney/pick you favorite actor, then that is a different discussion.)

    5. That’s basically Glennon Doyle’s story! She had never been attracted to women until she met Abby Wambach, who is now her wife.

    7. There’s a spectrum. I’ve been attracted to a girl or two before. Neither situation worked out for various reasons. Now happily married to a man for 15 years. If he passed away before me, could I end up in a relationship with a woman? Maybe?

    8. It’s a big world, go take a dip & discover.
      If you are in/near NYC lesbian bars are available.

    9. What’s fascinating to me is that when I look at her, I think she’d be amazingly attractive as a man or a woman WITH THE EXACT SAME FACE AND BODY TYPE. Like she’s so beautifully androgynous it’s almost weird.

    10. Give it a shot! There is nothing to lose. I was already online dating but realized I was finding tons of little excuses to never go on a second date with a perfectly good guy. So one day I started browsing the women and everything changed. I never thought seriously about being with a woman, or had that all knowing moment, but once I started dating women and opening myself up to that, my world changed. Now I am engaged to the perfect woman!

    2. GAH. I haven’t watched it yet. But he is The Worst. Also, did you see Jed’s instagram post? If you haven’t heard any spoilers, then don’t, but wowza. Some drama is about to come out during ATFR. Grabbing my popcorn for that one.

      1. I think the heat over it is because he’s picked as the winner…. yikes, yikes overall this season!

    4. Have only watched a few episodes of this season though watched hometowns. Can someone fill in the blanks? Is Luke really that religious? Because the other guys keep talking about how mean, nasty he is — hardly the good Christian boy behavior we saw in his hometown and at Sunday school? Relatedly — does he not garden? Because the preview for next week suggests he says something critical about her gardening with 4 guys and how it isn’t allowed based on religion and it looks like she kicks him out (either off the show or just sends him home for the night and ends the date). Is he this seasons first impression? What does she see in him? I know she’s said there’s attraction but it’s not like she isn’t physically attracted to Tyler?

  14. Does anyone have recommendations for good, free yoga videos on YouTube or another source? I’m looking for mostly restorative, I think? Heavy on the stretching. I’m in my 40s and out of shape and my body hurts–shoulder pain, a tricky knee, etc.–I’m feeling geriatric, and I’m too young for that! I’m hoping yoga will help. Also open to other recommendations–barre? pilates?

    1. If you’ve never done them before it’s recommended to take s few live classes good form is taught so as not to injure yourself

      1. I’ve done some live classes in the introduction/beginner/yoga 101 realm, so I feel like I’m generally okay on form for the basics. I would like to take live classes, but that’s not realistic for me right now for a variety of reasons, and doing nothing is not working for me either.

    2. I do the “Morning Yoga and Meditation Routine for Self-Love” by Caren Baginski every night before bed. It’s 19 minutes (only about 12 of yoga, the rest is meditation, which you can skip as desired), great for stretching, and she’s dubbed over the video in a soothing voice (it starts a few seconds in).

    3. Yoga by Adriene is good. She has a lot of episodes with “gentle” in the title. Free on YouTube.

    5. I’ve pitched this person on here before – she literally saved my DH from daily pain in shoulders and lower back. Life changing for him (and those of us around him).

      Classical Stretch by Miranda Esmonde-White. She has free youtube videos and is often on PBS. It is meant for recovery and rehabilitation. 10-15 minutes a day.

      If you are in a lot of pain now, this might be easier and better than directly into yoga. I love yoga but maybe give this a try.

  15. Has anyone had any luck with correcting discoloration on their face? I have recently noticed some discoloration on my forehead and right above my cheeks, kind of under my eyes. Any products to recommend or just go straight to the dermatologist for some laser treatments?Thanks!

    1. If it’s sun exposure- related discoloration, dermatologist seems to be the go-to for my peer group (early 30s).

    2. I recommend a derm. You can use all the stuff from Sephora that claims to help discoloration but then you’re playing a very expensive guessing game. I stopped that earlier this year and saw a derm. She prescribed tretinoin for acne but it has also helped my acne scars and redness. I will definitely be getting laser done in the next couple of years though for deeper scars, not necessarily discoloration.

    3. Go to a dermatologist but also recognize laser might not be the magic solution depending on the cause of your discoloration. Signed: someone with melasma that responds well to prescription creams but not so much lasers, who spent $ at Sephora that ended up being a giant waste.

    4. Try Ambi first. You can get it at any drug store in the skin care aisle. It might just work and costs about $6. I had a huge single freckle on the side of my nose that bugged me. After using Ambi 2X a day for about a year, it’s completely gone. If the Ambi doesn’t work, then go see a dermatologist.

    5. You want something with hydroquinone in it. I have pale skin with the same melasma pattern as you. I went to the dermatologist and she prescribed various Obagi creams with hydroquinone in them. It worked to fade the melasma but then you basically need to get zero sun exposure or it starts to come back. I am religious about sunscreen usage and the melasma still starts to come back a bit in the summer.

    6. Thanks everyone! I scheduled a dermatologist appointment for late August after most of the summer sun exposure. Hopefully I can use a cream or something. I may pick up Ambi too since it’s only $6.

    7. A couple of years ago I had a lot of discoloration on one side of my face (the left side – driving a lot and poor discipline as to sun screen, probably). I got a fancy spa facial and was sold the Bright Skin line by Eminence Organics, specifically the night cream and daytime moisturizer; they have an organic hydroquinine alternative. It took several months but all the discoloring went away.

      The creams were super-expensive at the spa, and I started buying them through Amazon; unfortunately, the source there seems to be drying up as they are now scarcer and more pricey.

  16. Why am I constantly “awaiting moderation” even with an email address that I’ve used to post here for years? It’s getting so frustrating, and then troubleshooting is hit and miss because it seems so rare that anyone monitors comments.

  17. I have a cross-country family vacation planned with our young school-aged kids. We booked our flights a few months in advance. We are flying to one city and then driving a few hours to another city, which we are flying out of. We purposely booked nonstop flights for the sake of the kids. I just got an alert from the airline. They are adding a stop to the itinerary, and apparently are no longer offering any non-stop flights between the two destinations. I can’t locate any reasonably priced alternative flights between these locations that leaves at a comparable time (i.e., not a red-eye, again because I don’t know how the kids would deal with that). Am I missing some other option or recourse, or do we have to just suck it up?

    2. You just suck it up. Layovers are really not that big a deal, especially with kids who are old enough to be entertained by books/TV/iPad.

      1. The kids may actually like the layover, depending on their personalities and the type of town you live in. You can have a meal at the food court, explore the stores, and feel more sophisticated exploring the airport.

    3. This happened to me with Delta twice and I called to talk about my flights being changed to a different option, and they asked me if there was another flight I preferred and switched me free of charge. Both changes were better (and originally more expensive), and it was simple. Doesn’t hurt to give the airline a call and see what they can do!

      1. This. The airline is not going to magically add back the non stop unfortunately, but they should offer you a lot of flexibility on making changes to your itinerary.

        I personally hate 1 hour layovers, which are usually the airline’s default, because I hate that streak through Denver or Houston or wherever because my first leg was 30 minutes delayed. Or worse yet, missing your connection and then getting rebooked on the next flight – all middle seats scattered around the plane.

        If I have to do a layover I intentionally make it two hours and get a bite to eat at the layover airport.

  18. What are you “starter” healthy foods? I’ve had months and months of eating processed foods. Think frozen pizza or fries for dinner, granola bars (which were more like candy) for days on end – due to very small town travel in places where food choices were often whatever you could get at a 7-11 and microwave in your hotel; these are places that are too small for a Walmart grocery store. So now my stomach/digestive system is having a hard time with real food again so I find myself reverting back to processed foods even at home. But obviously I need to eat regularly again— I just know that a meal of cauliflower won’t go well.

    Where would you start? In terms of good, so far I’m ok w lentils, nuts, bananas, cereal (of the non sugar variety). An Indian coworker is telling me — rice and lentils with yogurt is a staple healthy meal and then I could sneak in SMALL portions of a vegetable w that until I’m back to regular eating. I’m guessing I should consume yogurt anyway for probiotic reasons? Other thoughts?

    The joys of being 40. At 25 I could come back from these trips and literally eat anything and now there’s much more thought involved.

    1. Bagged salad mix. Add protein to it: rotisserie chicken, hardboiled egg, precooked steak strips.
      A giant salad is always the thing that helps me get back on track.

    2. Honestly just do it, your body will have a hell of a time digesting fibre but it wont kill you, just make for some uncomfortable bathroom trips, and in a few weeks you will be regular again.

    4. Yogurt — at least one serving/day but more than one is better. It’s good for probiotic purposes — you could take a pill for that but the goal is to get used to eating regular, not frozen foods again. Though go for the plain, as you need to get away from all the sugars that are in frozen foods. If plain is too bitter, you can add a spoonful of sugar (still WAY less than what you get in the presweetened fruit yogurts); add a spoon full of sugar and water and then you have a lassi-like yogurt beverage to sip on; or add garlic/ginger/salt and then you have a salty raita-like yogurt like you get in Indian restaurants. Once you’ve done a few days of yogurt, then just start eating regularly (within reason – small portions of vegetables, not like a bowl of broccoli or cauliflower) and go from there.

    5. Chicken and rice with yogurt sauce. Yes it has no vegetables but I’ve used this meal many times to get me back to eating regular home cooked (or restaurant made but not French fries) meals; and then after eating this for a few days, I’ve been able to get back to regular eating.

      My brother talks about this BTW. He’s military and has these issues post deployment. He still talks about West Point where they’d go do summer training off in the woods for a month and then ranger school which is MONTHS on end and part of that is a restricted calorie diet — he used to walk out of those summer trainings at ages 19-22 and out of ranger school at 22-23 and have 2 cheeseburgers, soda, beer, fries and go on with his life. Now at 45 it is about probiotics, yogurt, etc — sigh, such is life. But good to do it — there are too many people who DO continue to subsist on nachos or frozen pizzas or whatever and that’s not good long term.

  19. Fiction reading recommendation: Anatomy of a Scandal by Sarah Vaughan. Good writing, suspenseful, centered on a legal/political situation in the UK, and one of the main characters is a female prosecutor.

    1. Ooh, I’ve got a driveby random rec, if we’re doing those! Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: a woman won the 2016 election and her son (the main character) ends up dating the Prince of Wales. Escapist romantic fun with brains and a heart.

    2. Another rec: Whisper Network by Chandler Baker. I would actually love to hear thoughts from the women here about this book. I read it because it was Reese Witherspoon’s book club pick this month, and I really enjoyed it, but I could totally see other people hating it. Has anyone read it?

    3. What Red Was – heartbreaking and could be triggering but the best book I’ve read this year.

  20. Any recommendations for an all-purpose handyman in downtown Boston? Specifically looking for someone who can remove an existing backsplash and install a new one and do some interior painting.

    1. I don’t have a recommendation for a specific person, but you could check out Jiffy. I’ve used the app for appliance repair and electrical, and the people I’ve worked with have had good things to say about the thoroughness of Jiffy’s vetting process. Plus, I love the convenience of scheduling via the app — for painting or tile, I think you’d just be using the app to set up a time to get a quote, but even that can be a pain to do by phone.

  21. Trying to post again, sorry for any duplicates. I’m seeing someone who is facing a serious medical concern. We have been dating for about 6 months and this was communicated to me early (in our first few dates). It is something he’s been dealing with for about a year. At this point, there are identifiable physical impacts from this concern but it is not clear exactly what degree of concern it is (‘definitely very serious and long term’ or ‘still serious but less clear’). I’d like some advice on a few things: 1) How can I best be supportive, sensitive, and kind as he deals with this issue? 2) Would it be alright for me to encourage him to see a specialist, to seek out the best care? In this situation he sometimes has decision paralysis (and I can emphasize) 3) Would it be totally unhelpful for me to communicate that I hope he will seek out the best care for himself because I want him to be healthy? I know this is essentially out of his control, and don’t want to add to his stress

    1. It’s been 6 months and he’s not seeing a specialist? I’d just break up and move on.

    2. Honestly, how much do you like this guy? Do you for sure see a long term future with him or is it still “feeling him out” phase for long term compatibility? If you’re still feeling him out, I’d let him go. He needs to concentrate on his health and he seems to stress you out a lot for such a short relationship.

      If letting him loose isn’t an option for you, sit down and discuss with him his options and ask how he needs support. You are not family so his medical decisions are completely independent from you. You can only help him as much as he will accept it. If not at all – your role is to just sympathize and otherwise do nothing. He’s a grown man and appears to know his options (ie analysis paralysis) but won’t act – you can’t make him do anything. If he wants you to do a lot – do you really want to become someone’s caretaker and medical life organizer 6 mths into a relationship?

      1. +1. This is spouse-level emotional involvement IMO.

        Also, his lack of follow-through on medical care can be part of your decision in whether there’s long-term potential. You don’t have to ride it out with him or support the indecision. Personally, I do not want to date someone who doesn’t take basic self-care seriously.

        1. +2
          My ex husband had type 1 diabetes but didn’t manage it well (or really at all) and took any input as criticism. The disease wasn’t a deal breaker, but not dealing with the disease was. You don’t want to walk into that situation. You want to be with an adult who deals with his own health. Trust me.

          1. +1 I broke up with a guy who I thought was “the one” in my early 20s over similar issue, zero regrets

  22. Hoping to see if anyone has encountered this previously–because I have gotten some great home maintenance tips from reading this site in the past. My dishwasher is leaking from the bottom of the door. Also, the heated dry function appears not to be working. I have made arrangements for an appliance repair person to come out in a few days, but I am wondering if there is anything I can do myself that might diagnose or address the problem before he gets here. My online searches are yielding a long list of potential causes–most of the sites i am looking at seem to want to provide a full list of items that might need to be repaired, but I am just wondering if this has happened to anyone before and what the most common cause is.

    1. We had this and something (duct? drain) was clogged. It was cheap and fast to fix when the repair guy arrived.

    2. For the leak, examine/physically run your fingers around the seal. A break/crack in the seal or a piece of debris (hardened food waste, etc) can cause a leak. Obviously a cracked/broken seal needs replaced, but debris can be removed and then you’re fine.

      For the heated dry, I’d do without and use a rinse aid & air dry. I wouldn’t replace a dishwasher on account of that not working (newer models frequently don’t have it on account of energy efficiency) and I probably wouldn’t worry about diagnosing and fixing it either.

    3. Years ago, ours started leaking whenever we put rinse aid in the little dispenser (not the detergent dispenser, the other one where Jet Dry goes). Google suggested that connection and I still don’t understand why putting rinse aid in makes water (and not rinse aid) leak onto the floor, but once we stopped filling the rinse aid dispenser the leak went away. We still have that same dishwasher.

  23. Do any of you have experience with any of the hearing aid type things sold on Amazon? I’m going to visit my 96 year old grandmother this week, and apparently she’s been listening to the tv up on level 98 because she can’t hear. She’s very nearly blind, so it’s important she be able to hear so she can stay connected to others. I asked my mother and aunt why they don’t get her hearing aids and got a flimsy answer (something about too many ear drops), so I was thinking some sort of sound amplifier might work well for her.

    1. No experience on hearing aids, but my grandmother used and loved a product called “TV Ears” because she could have the TV on at the right volume for her without blasting it for my grandpa.

      1. My husband (50ish, formerly in a rock band, refuses to believe he has a hearing problem) uses these and it is life changing (for me!). He turns up the volume to the point where I could not only hear it on the other side of a 3000 sq foot house but I could also feel the sound vibrations.

    2. There’s something called a voice amplifier that should help, not just for TV watching but also for when she’s speaking with people. I’ve been told that these are good options (recommended by an electronics pro).

      BeltBlaster Personal Waistband Amplifier Item #: T9FB196567

      NEWGOOD Professional Voice Amplifier Wired Headset Microphone with FM Radio, Portable Amp Microphone for Classroom Teachers,Tour Guide,School Meeting and Conference Presentation

  24. Any recommendations for nice-smelling satchets for drawers? I don’t love cedar or lavender, but I’m open to anything else. This is more for T-shirts and pajama drawers than sweaters, so keeping away moths isn’t an issue.

    1. I actually stick wash scent beads (my fave is Downy Unstoppables) inside of a small canvas bag. It makes my clothing smell laundry fresh all the time.

    2. A few drops of whatever essential oil scent you like on a cottonball and placed in a spot where the oil won’t get on your clothing. Behind or under the drawer might work best depending on how your dresser is constructed.

    3. I love love love eucalyptus – for some reason it smells very “posh” to me. I’ll get bunches from the florist and hang them to dry. Once they’re dry, I’ll strip the leaves and fill little muslin bags with them. I have a couple in my dresser drawers and one hanging in my closet – I should probably stick one in my car, too.

  25. Is it strange to have one doctor in a practice for gyn, and another doctor in a completely different practice for ob? I like my gynecologist but did not want to deliver at the hospital where she has privileges, so I booked prenatal ultrasounds/appointments with midwives at a totally different practice. I then miscarried so it all became moot, but it’s coming time for me to schedule my annual. I have the option of seeing gynecologists within the same system where my would-be ob is. Husband and I do plan to keep trying, so hopefully I’ll be using them for ob services in the near future. Is it easier to keep all ob-gyn with one healthcare system, or is it common for people to have two different providers for different purposes?

    1. Sorry for your loss.

      Yes, I think it’s unusual and logistically complicated to have one obgyn practice for prenatal care and one practice for annual exams, especially if they’re entirely different hospital systems. I would schedule your annual exam with the doctor you hope will be your OB some day

    2. I personally used a different OB than my regular gyn for similar reasons. I don’t know if it’s common, but it worked well for me.

      1. +1 my gyn doesn’t have rights at my hospital of choice so I used a different OB group for my pregnancy. Then went right back to the old gyn.

    3. I think it’s unusual but it doesn’t seem THAT different to me from seeing an ob/gyn and a primary in different practices. Requesting to have records sent isn’t a huge deal, so if you like your current gyn I don’t see a strong reason to switch now.

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

  26. How long does it take to get used to wearing glasses? Is there an adjustment time after which I should expect to feel better or even like them? I was recently prescribed glasses for the first time and have tried wearing them for the last several days and they feel … so odd. They’ve been adjusted for my face so I don’ think it’s a fit issue, but I thought I would be able to put them on and just feel good and be able to see clearly but I can’t obviously tell that they’re helping my vision and they just feel … really weird. Is there an adjustment period for this kind of thing?

    1. Have been wearing glasses since I was 10, and I still have an adjustment period of 1-2 weeks when I get a new pair of frames. So yes, you will get used to it, but it may take a while. Also– if they are making you dizzy, etc., then it is possible that there is something wrong with the lenses– like the pupillary distance is off etc.

      1. Thank you for the reassurance. I don’t think they’re making me dizzy … the thing that’s weirding me out is my eyes needing to adjust and re-adjust as I re-direct my focus. I have two monitors and even looking from one monitor to the other they need to adjust. Or looking from my computer monitor to my phone or to a book or a piece of paper or my colleague standing in the door to ask me a question – it’s tripping me out.

        1. If you have progressive lenses, it could be that you’re not seeing correctly at the middle distance. I could never get used to the middle distance for my computer, so I have “computer glasses” that are a lesser version of my distance prescription. I order them cheap from Zenni and can reorder quickly if they fall apart. It’s made a world of difference for me. If you keep having these problems, go back to your eye doctor and tell him or her exactly what’s going on.

    2. Kind of. Yes, in that you get more used to having glasses on. I’ve had glasses/contacts since 5th grade, so my glasses feel normal on my face, but I wear contacts 95% of my life because I am too active and don’t like working out with glasses. Sometimes I head a headache from wearing glasses too long (they fit just fine) or in the summer, my face gets too sweaty and greasy, so I don’t wear them full time. My dad wears glasses all the time and he loves them. It really varies by person.

      So, yes, it gets better, but also may be worth exploring contacts.

    3. What feels weird? The frames or your eyes? I have had a couple of pairs of glasses that just didn’t work out and no amount of adjustment time would fix it. On one pair, I suspected the lenses were not aligned properly because they caused eyestrain when another pair with the same prescription didn’t. Another pair with a weird extra correction called “Eyezen” gave me headaches. My latest pair has progressive lenses, which just make my vision worse at all distances.

    4. Probably? It’s something new, there’s always an adjustment. You’re catching the frames in your peripheral vision and it just hasn’t normalized for your brain yet.

      What is your correction for? Near-sighted, farsighted? Something else? Are you supposed to be wearing them all the time, or only for reading/driving?

      1. The correction is for nearsightedness related to computer use, so they’re intended to be worn for computer/phone time and reading. I’ve just never been so aware of my eyes feeling like they’re constantly adjusting as I shift my vision from one thing to the next. Just now I needed to look down at my keyboard for something and it felt so strange for a few seconds until my eyes adjusted – then same thing looking back up at the computer screen after – it feels like my eyes are now making constant micro adjustments that I am hyper aware of.

    5. I have been wearing glasses since age 7 and my eyesight is terrible. I would say that you should be adjusted within a week or so (for me it’s usually a day or two, but I’m more of a pro at this). If I have longer term problems, like a headache or dizziness that won’t go away, then I go back to my doctor. There have been a couple of times when I had to have the lenses remade or had to have the prescription adjusted. Don’t be afraid to go back to your eye doctor if you’re having a problem. My eye doctor is wonderful and just wants to get it right and wants me to have great correction without issues!

      1. +1 I had a really hard time adjusting to my first pair and I finally went back after two weeks. One of the lenses was made incorrectly. The optometrist said “you’ve been extremely patient” almost as an insult, like how could you wear the wrong prescription for two weeks and not know?, but honestly it was because everyone was telling me it would take time to get used to them.

        So my advice would be to go back now. Don’t wait two weeks if you really can’t stand them.

    6. I remember this feeling vividly, and still get it if my prescription shifts. It’s almost like my depth perception needs to recalibrate to get used to the glasses. I notice it most when walking and my feet look an unfamiliar length away from my head! Goes away within a few days.

    7. I never adjusted :) I’m 34 and got glasses in law school at age 24 because I couldn’t see things that were far away. I still hate them and find them super uncomfortable and basically only wear them when legally required (for driving).

  27. Question for in-House “Rettes-
    I’m 45 and I’ve been in-house at my current company for about 4 years. I have a decent compensation package and pretty decent work life balance, but there is no opportunity for promotion or career progression. I am wondering when and if I should make a change given my age and experience in house or do I just accept that this is better than what most people have and stay put indefinitely? I have always been promoted and valued at past employers so accepting this stagnation is something I am unfamiliar with.

    1. I think you’re at a perfect age to move somewhere with upward mobility while being viewed as experienced but not old (because age discrimination is a real thing). In five years, I fear you will be viewed as stuck in your ways being at the same company for 10 years and 50 yrs old.

      1. Not OP but in a similar position. Where do you go after being in-house for several years? I feel like now I’ve specialized so much to the point that I’m really only competitive for the exact same position at a different institution (where I would likely run into the same problem).

  28. I’m looking for a merino crewneck sweater that’s a little cropped — hopefully something basic that I can buy in a ton of colors. J.Crew (the Tippi) or Uniqlo kind of do this, but those sweaters are (IMO) too long to sit well with skirts. Any ideas?

    If I didn’t have broad shoulders, I would just buy the petite cut of the Tippi.

    PS I know, I know, J.Crew tried to make this style happen 4 years too early:
    https://slate.com/human-interest/2015/06/j-crew-woes-blame-the-tilly-sweater.html

  29. I’ve had what I assume is a zit on my cheek for ~3 weeks and it hasn’t gone away or shrunk or anything. It’s a bump that’s scabbed up a couple times but hasn’t come to a head or anything. None of my usual tricks of clay masks, pore strips or toner have done anything to lessen it.

    I rarely break out and if I do, it’s small and disappears in a couple days, *maybe* a week of its hormonal. What are my next steps? Or is this something that I should be more concerned about??

    1. I would make an appointment with your doctor. That sounds like a potential skin infection (staph or MRSA or something).

      1. In addition, skin formation that scab and heal over and come back could be skin cancer. Definitely seek medical attention for it asap.

      2. PCP or dermatologist? Or does it matter? I’m leaning towards dermatologist just because I haven’t had my yearly check but it’s probably easier to get an appointment with my PCP.

        I have a family history of skin cancer so based on these comments I’m slightly worried…

        2. It could also be as simple as an infected ingrown hair. But for any of those options, I’d get in to see my derm ASAP (and PCP if derm was totally booked up).

    2. So I’ve had impetigo and a more serious staph infection in the past, and they always itch. So if it’s not itching it’s prob not staph. However, I agree with the above that it could be pre cancerous or something. I’d go to a derm.

    3. Late reply, don’t know if you’ll see this.

      I have had a couple of epidermal/ infundibular cysts in my life that started this way. It’s different than an acne cyst. My advice is not to mess with it. I had one that I messed with and then it got infected, and now instead of a harmless bump I have a big scar (and also had to see both a dermatologist and a plastic surgeon, and take rounds of antibiotics)

      So,
      1) don’t mess with it
      2) see a dermatologist
      3) who will probably tell you not to mess with it
      4) follow their advice

    4. Look up “sebaceous hyperplasia” and see if that’s it. Probably get it checked out, too, but do an image search to ease your mind in the meanwhile.

    5. OP here—it’s not itchy and it’s red but not warm so I don’t think it’s an infection. It just looks like a red bump about the size of a pencil eraser, kind of like a little volcano type bump.

      I have a PCP appointment this week and am hoping it’s just a bug bite or something equally low risk. I also made a dermatologist appointment but the earliest was in a month and a half! Thanks for being my internet doctors

      1. Yes, that sounds exactly like a sebaceous cyst. I have had skin cancer and this really does not sound like skin cancer to me, so while I think it is good you’re seeing a derm, I wouldn’t freak out or worry about the monthlong wait. Good luck!

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