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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 214 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Blur Print Belted Fit and Flare Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. navy white fit flare dress with graphic pattern $110Happy Wednesday! I love the graphic pattern on this navy and white fit & flare dress — it feels fresh and springlike without feeling too twee. The wide neckline is flattering, as are the cap sleeves. If I didn't have a navy blazer or cardi to wear on top for work, I think I'd look to darker complementary colors first, rather than a white or pastel topper, which I would worry would push the pretty dress over the line towards “Easter Sunday” territory. Instead I'd try a lush green, a bright red, a happy but fairly dark violet… or even pair the navy dress with a black blazer. The dress is $110, and selling out somewhat quickly — only about half the sizes are left. Adrianna Papell Blur Print Belted Fit & Flare Dress I can't find the dress in stock anywhere else, but this simple Papell sheath (in blue and black) is on sale for $29-$58. This graphic fit and flare dress in plus sizes is on sale for $64, and I like the springlike vibe to this polka dotted fit and flare dress in plus sizes. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. KT

    Eghhhh this is cute, but I feel like if I wore it to work it would veer towards to Stepford Wives territory

    • MJ

      Um, this is way too twee for my 5’11” frame. Someone would think I made a dress out of the curtains or something. As other commenters have mentioned, this s_te is veering further and further away from what I see in the real world. Sure, fashion can be aspirational, but…this looks like a shower dress, not a work dress.

      • anon-oh-no

        you all just need to think outside the box a bit. I wear dresses like this all. the. time. to my office, where I work as a BigLaw partner in a major city (in fact, I am wearing something similar today). I wear it with a blazer most of the time, though sometimes in the summer just a cardigan. I wouldn’t wear it to court, because its not a suit, but I wouldn’t wear anything to court that wasn’t a suit.

        I’m generally of the mindset that if you look polished and put together, and carry yourself well, you can pull off just about anything. A lot of folks here seem to have preconceived notions and rules about what is and is not appropriate, but most of those “rules” can easily be broken if you do it right.

        • anon

          Do you think you’d dress similarly if you were in your first year or two there? I’m very young in a conservative industry, so I try to be really strict about what I wear. Do I not need to do this?

          • Anonymous

            I’m not that BigLaw partner, but a different one. I was a suit girl for years. Suits (or more formal “your business” attire), do some work for you, esp. when you are younger (assuming you’re not doing it in an all-hat-no-cattle way).

            I wear suits a lot still (but with very fun blouses, have not gone all the way to a graphic tee yet (but the first 95 degree – 95% humidity day, watch out)). But usually I wear what I want that looks great that would not embarass me in front of a client (so at night, at work, I wear a lot of the Athleta Palisades capri, which is fantastic). But agree: very broad latitude the more senior you get.

          • Senior Attorney

            Cosign to more latitude with more seniority. I would wear a dress like this with a blazer for sure, but I think it might look too young/informal on someone who is very junior. Like she doesn’t have a real work wardrobe and is wearing a brunch dress to work.

          • Anonymous

            I did, but that was me. My point is wear what you are comfortable in have confidence in. if youre worried folks will think youre too young, don’t wear it. But I challenge you to consider whether folks will really think you are too young.

      • Anonymous

        I’m curious why you think it’s too twee for your height? Is it the pattern? The shape? I’m 6′ and love this and I’m generally not a “twee” dresser at all.

        • Anonymous

          Agree, I’m 5’10” and would have bought this instantly had my size been available.

        • Anonymous

          Not Twee OP, but I would want some length on this feminine of a design. The shorter it is, the more it looks like you bought it at forever 21. I’m 5’8 but I still think this is too short for the design. (not out of modesty, i’d wear a shift dress this length.) there’s something about a flare or a-line that stops above the knee that i find cloying and tacky.

      • Anon

        I think it just depends. I’m a lawyer in a small northeastern city, and don’t see many lawyers dressed like this. But I recently attended a conference mainly for hospital administrators, and every woman there was wearing this outfit — fit and flare dress in floral (or similar) print with a jacket or cardigan. I like the look, and flare dresses are very comfortable.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know…. For me, it could work. I am always looking for things to wear underneath my white coat (I’m a doc) and realize I should probably try more prints that have a bit of white. This would work nicely and the flare makes it very comfortable.

      • Sydney Bristow

        One of my doctors wears fantastic dresses under her white coat. I love all the ones I’ve seen her in.

        I’d put a green cardigan over this but I’m a bit obsessed with the blue and green combo. I love this dress but this style isn’t flattering on me. I’d buy it if it was a sheath dress.

    • Zelda

      I think this could work at my job, but only with a blazer. It would feel too Sunday at church with a cardigan.

    • Anonymous

      I actually need a Stepford Wife dress and this is a cute one. Too bad it’s sold out in my size.

    • Anonymous

      I just can’t get behind dresses that are clearly Easter/brunch (due to the combo of bright pattern and a flared bottom) as workwear so long as a blazer is thrown over it. It still looks inappropriate, and the odd combo of Serious (blazer) and Whimsy (dress) strikes me as unkempt, like a little girl getting dressed out of mommy’s closet. JMO, but if it doesn’t work on its on, a blazer doesn’t fix it; and on the flip side, a structured dress in suiting material strikes me as more put together even if sleeveless and worn sans jacket, than a party dress + blazer.

      • Anonymous

        What makes this a party dress? That is simply isn’t a sheath? Sorry, not all of us can wear a sheath dress. I’ve tried dozens and generally they are ill fitting or don’t fit at all. And when I’ve tried the have them tailored, I end up looking like Jessica Rabbit, which is not a work look I’m going for. So thank goodness for dresses with some flare, so that I don’t have to wear a sack at the office.

        • anon-oh-no

          +1. I just don’t agree that this is a “party dress” and I’m just throwing a blazer over it to make it work wear.

        • Anonymous

          “(due to the combo of bright pattern and a flared bottom)”

          I don’t know how to apply formatting here, so just pretend “combo” is emphasized.

  2. Conflicted

    I have this dress and I love it, but not for my conservative office.

    Also threadjack. Warning, wall of text to follow.

    At my work an executive just retired. One of the assistant managers was promoted as his replacement. However, she isn’t actually qualified to do that job. I know the higher ups have been trying to shed the company’s boys club image but it rubs me the wrong way that they promoted someone based solely on gender. I’m conflicted because I want to see women smash the glass ceiling (and I want to be one of them) but I feel like promoting someone who can’t do the job is just setting things back. I’m not being petty, she actually can’t do the job and it’s creating problems for everyone who has to pick up the slack and fix her mistakes. I’m not the only one who had noticed this.

    The higher ups however are generally blind to all of this and say she just needs time to get settled. I would feel the exact same way whether she was a man or a woman. I’ve done what I can to be supportive of her but it’s starting to affect my work because I report directly to her. I only graduated last year and am still fairly new here so I’m not sure if this is normal or if I’m right to feel conflicted or not. Would anyone else feel the same way if they were in my situation?

    • KT

      So..when you say the executive “just” retired and the assistant manager was promoted, how long are we talking? Because if it’s been a few weeks or less than 3 months, I would say mistakes and being overwhelmed are pretty typical. There’s always going to be a learning curve when moving up.

      Assuming your company is not dysfunctional, they likely promoted her not solely because of her gender, but because they thought she had a decent chance of succeeding and growing into the role.

      I would lower the pitchfork for now. I really think it takes a good year to get used to a new role and get a handle on doing the work WELL, especially when taking over for someone who was there for a while and who everyone knew and respected.

    • Anonymous

      Can you provide any examples of the problems to help understand the context? Lack of technical knowledge? Lack of responsiveness? Unclear instructions?

      I’m a bit confused that you feel so confident to judge that she cannot do the job with an appropriate ramp up period given that you’ve only been there a year and presumably the higher ups have been familiar with her work over a longer period.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        Time to come off your high horse. You are very young…… Give it some time.

    • Anonymous

      Hshahahaha. You graduated last year? Slow your role on the judging sweetie. Most people need time to learn and adjust. You role as a junior employee is to do the best work you can and follow up for more support as needed, not to be fretting about what you see, with zero basis, as a gender based promotion.

    • Conflicted

      Thr executive retired five months ago. Before the executive left she trained the assistant manager for two months

      I understand that new jobs have learning curves, especially if it’s a promotion to a higher position but this goes beyond that. For example, our office works in the financial sector. At our monthly meetings with all of the general managers each department is supposed to bring a report with its monthly sales/incoming/outgoing funds. The first month she was on her own her assistant reminded her that she needed to ask someone to compile the report. She never did and we weren’t prepared at the meeting. Now normally this wouldn’t be a big deal but she has also forgotten the other four months as well. We have projects to work on and when the meeting comes and she forgets each time the higher ups scold us non management workers for nor helping her more. We all have our own things to work on and it’s not our job to delegate or decide what work we want to do randomly.

      Another example was when she was asked to give an update on the stock performance of companies we are invested in and do business with. She had threw months to prepare hee update report but when she presented it at a meeting all she did was read an article that she got online. She said she can’t be expected to understand the stock market when she never worked as a day trader. A person who is her junior and reports to her was spoken to about why the report wasn’t done properly when it is not that junior’s job or in their pay grade to do it. It’s the executive’s responsibility.

      She has also asked two separate staff her on separate occasions to do something that is illegal and would draw attention of regulatory authorities and possibly the FBI. Both times she got angry when the people refused and later when the higher ups spoke to her she claimed that she didn’t know what she was asking was illegal. This stuff is standard knowledge in our industry that’s covered on the first day of training. Everyone from board members go support staff is told about how those things would be illegal.

      Those are just some examples off the top of my head although there is more.

      • Cc

        This has nothing to do with gender though. Ok she isn’t great at her job. Welcome to the working world. You will meet tons of people that seem completely incompetent at their job. Why are you making it gender based at all?

        • Conflicted

          There was another internal candidate who has not only done this job at other companies, he has also done it at ours on an interm basis when executives are on vacation or sick leave. He has more senority and experience, he has a financial background and has worked as a consultant for the government on legislation surrounding our industry.

          The executive I’m complaining about has screwed up so much that he has been doing some of her job plus his own at the same rate of pay. Everyone was sure he would be the one who would get the job and was surprised when he didn’t.

      • Conflicted

        Gah. Excuse the typos. I’ve only ever used android and I’m still getting used to my new iPad.

      • Anonymous

        Why do t you go to her this month and offer to do the report she is forgetting?

        • Conflicted

          My background is in economics, I’m not an accountant so I would have no clue how to do the report or even what the industry standards are for it. I have reminded her by talking about it in general conversation and reminding her about the monthly meetings and she always says it’s handled but it never is.

    • Cc

      This is a perfect example of internalized sexism. You think for a woman to have the job, she has to be perfect. Companies, government, and the entire working world is literally filled with incompenant men executives.

      Honestly I need to stop reading this site I’m so mad at you. You have been there for one year. You are a sexist little brat- go work on your own stuff and hope that when you get your own job there aren’t people gossiping in the wings about how you got that job, and thank your stars she is paving the way for you

      • raquiescence

        Ugh, +1 re: internalized sexism. You have no idea what the previous manager’s learning curve was like and your assessment of this woman feels like you’re desperate for her to fail. It sounds like this is your first real job, but now’s as good a time as any to learn that constantly complaining about your managers is only going to be detrimental to your career trajectory down the line. Know your place and learn the art of managing up.

        Can’t imagine you’re going to find much sympathy here.

        • Conflicted

          When I am spoken to and written up for not attending off-site meetings because she forgot to tell me about them (or remind her assistant to tell me about them), or threatened with termination for not helping with something that I was taught was illegal on my first day, or when she decides to send me to meet with another executive in her stead without telling me while I am already in another meeting at the exact same time my career trajectory does get affected. I’m terrified of losing my job because of her failure to schedule things property. I’m terrified of being fired after I tell her for the umpteenth time that she cannot tell people to break the law. All while a perfectly qualified person sits in the wings doing her job to stop her from making a huge mistake that gets the company investigated or loses us a client. She has already negatively affected my career.

          • anon

            Try posting this on the Friday open thread at Ask a Manager with these details. There have been discussions there about how to handle disorganized managers.

      • emeralds

        The entire time I was reading the OP’s post I was internally screaming INTERNALIZED SEXISM. I’m not a big fan of Cc’s tone, but Conflicted, you need to slow your roll. It sounds like you have some legitimate gripes and issues with your boss, but none of them have to do with her gender. If you want some other anecdata, the vast majority of my incompetent bosses have been male, and I know for damn sure that some of them were promoted because they were men and could hang with the old boy’s club. Maybe your boss sucks. Maybe she’ll get fired. Maybe she needs more training and adjustment time. But 0% of that has to do with the fact that she’s a woman.

        To apply a popular feminist quote to your situation: there is a special hell for women who judge the f*ck out of other women and blame their failures on their gender.

      • emeralds

        Sorry if this double-posts. The entire time I was reading the OP’s post I was internally screaming INTERNALIZED SEXISM. I’m not a big fan of Cc’s tone, but Conflicted, you need to slow your roll. It sounds like you have some legitimate gripes and issues with your boss, but none of them have to do with her gender. If you want some other anecdata, the vast majority of my incompetent bosses have been male, and I know for damn sure that some of them were promoted because they were men and could hang with the old boy’s club. Maybe your boss sucks. Maybe she’ll get fired. Maybe she needs more training and adjustment time. But 0% of that has to do with the fact that she’s a woman.

        To apply a popular feminist quote to your situation: there is a special hell for women who judge the f*ck out of other women and blame their failures on their gender.

      • anon-oh-no

        totally agree. And the examples she gave just don’t seem to be an issue.

        • KT

          Yeah, I think a lot of this is an excellent lesson in the need to learn to “manage up”.

          OP, When I was a clueless newbie, the one thing I had going for me was my freakish memory and organization. I made it my life goal to make my boss’ life easier. She was working an extremely demanding job that required intensive work, strategy and deescalation and she just couldn’t keep track of stupid things like weekly catch-ups, monthly reports, etc. With everything that she had on her plate that managed millions of dollars, ridiculous check-the-box tasks weren’t a priority for her.

          So I made myself indispensable my managing those things for her. I knew those things were coming up, so I would take a stab at them even though they were wayyyyyyyyyyy out of my knowledge and talent-base, but I would send my sad attempt to her a few days before it was due and say “FYI, the report is due on X; I made a first draft for you to take a look at. Let me know if you need anything else for this”

          I anticipated areas she needed help and did it. I checked her calendar on Outlook and saw what big meetings she had coming up, and I’d make sure she had what she needed to look awesome. (i.e. She’s meeting with the CFO–I better make sure she has this quarter’s numbers and the results from the $2 million project she managed)

          I made her look good. All the time. And everyone KNEW I was the one behind it and appreciated it. Everyone knew she was a rockstar at the big picture level and that what I did let her do that without stressing the small stuff. When she got promoted, I got promoted. When she got promoted AGAIN and transferred overseas, I had Sr. Directors fighting over me to get me in their departments.

          So…take a step back. Be proactive. Try to anticipate her weak spots and what is a good learning opportunity for you. Manage up. Make her look good, you’ll look good.

        • Anonymous

          What? I would be fired if I failed to perform the functions of my job! If I missed four reports in a row over a four months time that I was expected to do, I would AT LEAST be put on a performance-based plan, which is one step away from termination at my company. I would absolutely get terrible reviews. ‘

          If I was asking someone to do illegal things repeatedly?? How is this not a problem? My company fired someone who was on the CEO-track for getting drunk on a business trip NOT EVEN IN FRONT OF CLIENTS. I can’t imagine they would retain me if I was constantly attempting to get people to do illegal things.

          • anon

            Okay, but even if she is bad at her job and there was a more qualified male candidate, there could be a bunch of other reasons why she got it. They may not be good ones, but it doesn’t mean that this must be about gender. I don’t think jumping to that conclusion does anyone any good.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t disagree that there could be other reasons. However, based on the evidence that the OP presented, I don’t think it’s completely off the charts to say that it is a possibility. I didn’t get the sense that the OP was saying she is bad at her job because she is a woman, but instead that she is bad at her job because she doesn’t have the proper skill set and doesn’t seem to be improving over time with guidance. I would feel that way whether the person was a man, woman, dog, cat, whatever. Are there situations where it’s advantageous to promote a woman who has more potential/better track record, etc. but not the perfect skill set over a man, of course there is. Are there situations where it’s better to promote someone who is not the woman? Of course there is. I don’t want to get a job JUST because I am a woman. Just like I don’t want to get a job JUST because I have a disability and I fill someone’s quota. Perhaps that is cutting my nose off to spite my face and I am working against both women and folks with similar disabilities, but that’s how I feel.

            I know of actual instances where individuals who weren’t even 50% qualified were hired over folks who were 90% qualified because the company/academic institution wants to look good on paper and on their website. It hurts the individual, as they probably won’t be able to perform to normal expectations and let’s be honest, most work places don’t generously offer up resources to get up to speed when people are behind the 8-ball. Those people get moved around, their coworkers resent them, they make mistakes that cost institutions and companies money, etc.

            IMO it’s the same problem as higher education. We are putting a band-aid on it too late. I believe we need to focus more resources and energy EARLIER to train and educate those who we wish to see succeed but who do not traditionally succeed because of race or gender. Plugging people into holes because you want your website to look diverse to your shareholders and because it makes for good PR doesn’t help those individuals learn and doesn’t help the cause.

          • Anonymama

            Can I just say how much I hate it when people say, “man, woman, dog, cat, whatever.” It really undermines your point to suggest that there’s no difference between a woman and a dog or a cat, and actually adds more emphasis to how out of the typical mold a woman may be, and takes emphasis away from the actually qualities that do matter, like qualifications and skills. People do it with skin color too (“I don’t care if someone is black or white or blue or orange, as long as they are qualified!” Usually said in response to a question about why no people of color were hired.)

          • lawsuited

            Considering that the higher-ups are not firing the executive over the 4 missed reports, it’s likely that the reports are not actually very important in the context of the executive’s other duties, but the OP, having entered the fuel and this job only a year ago and admittedly having “no clue” about the reports, is perhaps not in a position to assess that.

      • Anonymous

        Hmmm, it appears based on the additional information that there was another candidate who was much more qualified. The candidate that was given the job was a woman. The retired executive is a woman. Per the OP, the company has made it clear they are breaking up the old boys club (or at least want everyone to think they are). I don’t think it’s absurd to think that a decision was made to hire the woman over the man, in part, because she was a woman replacing a woman. I know first-hand this happens – that female and minority candidates who are not remotely qualified for a position are offered the position over men or white women. I understand that we need to promote women in the workplace, but I don’t think it does women any favors to promote or hire woman who are are incredibly under-qualified solely to make the company leadership look good. Now, if there is a woman who has some, but not all of the skills and can be trained up in an appropriate amount of time, that’s great. It sounds like anyone with this woman’s background would not be appropriate for the position, regardless of gender, color, whatever.

        The OP isn’t blaming the woman’s failures on her gender, she is blaming the woman’s failures on her skill set or lack thereof, and the apparent inability or refusal to learn those skills. The OP said that she believed the woman was hired based on her gender, I don’t think that’s outside the realm of possibilities. As a result of the existing leadership choosing someone who was vastly under-qualified, the person is not able to perform to the level expected of the position. I would feel the same damn way if it was a man she was talking about. But if it was a man, we would all be bitching about the good ole boys network.

      • Laura B

        Have to agree – I think you need to check why you’re attributing her getting the job to her being a woman. Automatically jumping to that when she does something wrong does read as internalized sexism. There are all kinds of reasons that people get promoted to jobs that they’re not 100% qualified to do, even with other seemingly able candidates there. Fantastic past performance in a different role, nepotism, influential mentors, deals, etc. are all reasons (some good and bad) that people (both men and women) get jobs that they may not be totally 100% ready for. It’s a stretch job that may have a rough beginning, but it’s not fair to judge someone’s performance 5-7 months in.

        (I say this a someone who took a stretch role that she wasn’t qualified for (and quite honestly got the job via nepotism) and is kicking @$$ at it 6 years later.)

  3. Leatty

    Shopping help! I’m on the hunt for a new laptop tote, since my cat decided to use mine as a litter box (ugh). My old one was a plain black leather Halogen tote, and I wouldn’t mind something similar. It needs to be large enough to fit my 13″ laptop, a notepad, and a thin folder with documents in it. I’d like to spend less than $250. Does anyone have a tote they love? Any suggestions on brands, etc?

    • KT

      I have the GraceShip Laptop Bag in Tan and it’s amazing. It is faux leather, but it’s extraordinarily well-made and I honestly would never have been able to tell it wasn’t real. It has a padded laptop compartment that fits my 15″ computer, has sturdy, reinforced handles (I treat my bag like I’m Mary Poppins) and all kinds of pockets and dividers to store folders of paper, my laptop charger, phone, planner, pen etc.

      The black one is $190, the tan $150.

      http://amzn.to/1WqiCVs

      But I’ve also been eyeing some le Donne leather bags too-they have a red one I lust over but they have a bunch in the $100-$250 range.

    • Anonymous

      Kate Spade makes some really nice nylon ones, in black and cute prints. I don’t have one myself but I lust after them, and they’re in your budget.

    • raquiescence

      I really like the Coach Outlet for work bags. You can get lots of well-made leather that looks crisp and that you won’t weep about inadvertently getting Sharpie or coffee on. I recently picked up a great black-and-white tote there with a soft pad for wrapping your laptop in and lots of small organizational pockets (swoon) plus a matching pen bag.

  4. Wildkitten

    Favorite beach reads? I am going on a trip and my stack of non-fiction to-reads just isn’t doing it for me.

    • Cat

      I’ve been using some Jane Austen as beach reads as I haven’t read some of hers for 10-15 years or so — the stories are much much funnier (for lack of a better word) as a 30-something than as a high schooler/college student, and because I basically know the ending, I’m enjoying picking up more of the side characters and minor plots.

      Anyway, for other easy reading that doesn’t feel quite like brain candy, I like the No. 1 Ladies Detective series, Where’d You Go Bernad3tt3, and re-reading Harry Potter.

    • HSAL

      For your Kindle, I’ve really enjoyed the Lexi Graves mysteries. With it, and other similar series, you can often get the first one for free. Savannah Martin is another one. Stella Mayweather is occult-y/mystery. I’ve read a bunch of series I found on Amazon that are crappy, but those three were really good.

    • Laura | Books & Foods

      I like mysteries/thrillers for beach reads because they’re engrossing and fun. Right now I’m reading Leaving Berlin by Joseph Kanon, a spy thriller set in 1948 Berlin, and it’s phenomenal.

      Some favorites in that category: The Talented Mr. Ripley by Patricia Highsmith, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy by John le Carre, In the Woods, by Tana French.

      I devoured the Elena Ferrante Neapolitan series which another commenter recommended, so second those as well.

    • Senior Attorney

      Somebody here recommended Station Eleven by Emily St. John a while back and I loved it. Fun post-apocalypse vacation read. I’ve also enjoyed the J.K. Rowling-writing-as-Robert-Galbreath novels.

    • Kate

      The Royal We is a dishy, perfect beach read. Also Crazy Rich Asians and China Rich Girlfriend–if you love Vanity Fair you will love.

  5. Anonymous

    I just found out that my small-ish firm only gives eight (unpaid) weeks of maternity leave. We have more than 50 employees. Is there some other reason that they wouldn’t be required to give 12 weeks per FMLA? I thought all companies with >50 employees had to at least hold jobs for 12 weeks, but I am not an employment lawyer.

    • Anonymous

      Do partners count as employees? If not, are you sure the firm is over the 50 employee threshold?

        • Anonymous

          How close are you? Can you get them to hire a few summer students to cross the threshold ;)

    • Anonymous

      this may be a matter of wording/representation. Are you sure the 8 weeks isn’t unpaid disability? Does your company offer FMLA in general (it is not just for maternity leave)?

    • Anonymous

      All full time and all at te same location? It also can be that 8 is tier standards maternity leave but you can take 12 – some people break it up I think

    • I think

      FMLA is different from company-granted maternity leave, which is an internal policy.
      A new mother could likely take 8 weeks unpaid + 4 weeks FMLA = 12 weeks unpaid.
      Or, 8 weeks unpaid + 12 weeks FMLA = 20 weeks unpaid

      • anon

        That’s not correct about 8+12. I mean, the company might let you take it, but the law would not protect your job for more than 12 weeks.

          • Anonymous

            What anon at 10:19 is saying is that if your company gives you eight weeks and is also FMLA eligible, you can’t then take your company’s eight weeks + 12 weeks of FMLA for a total of 20 weeks. They run concurrently. So your statement “Or, 8 weeks unpaid + 12 weeks FMLA = 20 weeks unpaid” is wrong. There is no scenario under which you can 20 weeks off, unless your company says “you can take 20 weeks off” and then it has nothing to do with FMLA.

    • KT

      Pockets are my favorite and get me freakishly excited. I have a Gwynnie Bee subscription and the dresses online never list pockets as a feature, but every time one arrives that does have pockets, it’s such a delightful surprise.

      I am a dork.

      • 2 Cents

        How do you like Gwynnie Bee? I’ve been interested, but I don’t want to be bombarded with clothes that are out of my price range (I don’t spend much more than $50-$60 per piece, unless it’s a special dress), plus i really need work-appropriate “smart casual” clothes for work (not shirts that have the shoulders(!) cut out. Or sequins. Or anything a fashion blogger usually wears).

        Anyway, just wondering what you think of them.

        • KT

          I think it’s geared very much to more business casual/trendy wearers than conservative work offices.

          I’m not sure what you mean by bombarded with pieces out of your range…you get the clothes, wear them for as long as you want, then send them on back for a new round. I usually just wear them once and send them back, so I get about 12 pieces a month (I’m on a 3 piece plan). If you do have one dress or blazer that you fall in love with, you can keep it by buying it for a reduced rate (usually 40-60% off) and “retired pieces” sell for 70-80% less than their new price. So to buy the pieces is super affordable, but I never buy anything. I like that having new fresh things all the time.

          That said, I do really like it. I’ve tried brands that I always heard were good but are only online only and I love getting 12 pieces a month for what I would spend on one dress. It’s allowed me to better how I dress-I upgraded the basics in my closets to me higher quality materials and construction and keep a minimalist closet of very basic pieces (black pants, neutral shoes, basic white shell, etc) and then Gwynnie Bee provides the flair/color.

          If you are interested, they offer a free month: just click the below link (if after the trial you do sign up, I get an extra item-at-a-time upgrade, in full disclosure)

          http://goo.gl/omDqgs

          • KT

            Oh, forgot to mention…I’m on the 3 items a time plan, which is $84 a month. I get 12 items a month on average, so for me, that’s wayyyyyy more clothes than I would ever buy for myself, which helps expand my wardrobe while keeping my shopping in check.

  7. Kitty Sitter

    I am going away on an international trip for about 3 weeks and need someone to come to my house and feed my cat and clean the litterbox (and maybe even snuggle). Where can I find such a person? I am in the DC metro area. Are there companies that do this?

    • Cb

      Not DC specific but we’ve had cat sitters (similar to a dogwalking service where they come 2x a day) but I really recommend having someone come and stay if you can. It depends on how social your cat is but mine is super grumpy and needy after being left alone for more than 2-3 days. I often pay a grad student who could use a break from shared accommodation but maybe an intern?

      • Sydney Bristow

        When we were away for 3 weeks we had friends housesit. Since you’re in DC maybe you know a friend who wants to visit the city and would be willing to stay? A friend of mine was planning to move to NYC and it worked out for her to come and stay so she could job hunt. The rest of the time our unemployed friend came to stay and we paid her for it. She lives way out on Long Island and says it was a lot of fun having a base in the city to go do all the things she likes here. Put it out there on Facebook. It might be mutually beneficial for you and a friend.

    • AIMS

      There are, but not all will snuggle. Ask your vet or your neighbors. And make sure you find someone who will spend some time with kitty – cats need social interaction almost as much as they need food and water. I’d look for someone who lives nearby to ensure they come for frequent visits.

    • Bonnie

      You can hire someone through wag dot com to come by. We’ve had great experiences with the sitters.

    • Anonymous

      You can hire someone through wag dot com to come by. We’ve had great experiences with the sitters.

    • Diplomat

      We’ve used Furget Me Not in Arlington for both cats and dogs with much success.

    • Carrie M

      We used Time for a Walk in Arlington, VA for dog walking and sitting. They also do cat sitting. Really liked the owner, who is a local mom. They’ll take in your mail too. You can meet the person who will be watching your cat beforehand for a small consultation fee, which we did just because the person would be in our house alone.

    • Anon

      If you’re in Northern Virginia, I highly recommend Your Dog Smiles. They give text and online updates which I love, and our sitter gives the cat his pill, feeds him, cleans the litter box, and plays. She would snuggle if our cat was a snuggler. It was important to me to find someone who is a cat person, since our cat has a bit of an attitude, and our sitter definitely is a cat person!

  8. Shoe Hunt

    Shoe recommendations, please!

    I just learned that I will be escorting a group on a two week tour of company facilities on the east coast of the US. This will involve LOTS of walking and being on my feet from breakfast until dinner — basically, I’ll be a tour guide. Dress code will generally be business casual, but I will need to wear long pants and flat, closed-toe shoes. If the trip wasn’t for work, I’d wear sneakers or slip ons like toms, but obviously, I need to, uh, step up my shoe game from those options. What are some of your tried and true shoes in this category that are comfortable enough to wear all day while still looking dressy enough?

    TIA

      • JP

        +1. The Air Tali (may not be sold anymore but could be avaliable on Amazon) or the new version that Nordstrom has are amazing.

      • Carrie M

        +2. They come in a lower size wedge (maybe an inch or 1.5) that is essentially like being in flats. I wear them all the time – commuting, walking the dog, running after a toddler. Super comfortable.

        • KT

          And to carry over from my glowing post yesterday—Payless wedges. Seriously. They look identical to my black Cole Haan Air Tali wedges but are more comfortable and you know, $25. I wear them all day and they’re amazing

        • Anonymous

          Do you have the Air Tali wedges or the regular ones? Wondering if the non-Nike ones are as comfortable.

    • Idea

      I am looking at Clarks for stylish comfort shoes, personally (because they also fit my orthotics). Very suburban mom, but they’ll do.

      • Anonymous

        I am looking at Clarks for stylish comfort shoes, personally (because they also fit my orthotics). Very suburban mom, but they’ll do.

    • anon-oh-no

      AGL flats. and regardless of brand, I always add the dr scholls inserts; if not much room, I add just the arch support inserts (works in heels and flats alike, and are wonderful)

    • OP

      Unfortunately, I don’t think wedges will fly. I may take a look at Payless for another time though!

      I was wondering about Clarks. Years ago, I had a pair I wore into the ground… but that took 5+ years. I’ve never been able to recreate the magic with another pair though.

      AGLs are my go-to for fancier days, but they sometimes rub on my heel if I walk all day. (Does that happen to anyone else? The rest of the shoe is buttery soft, but they can still bite my heel.)

      Keep the recommendations coming!

      • KS IT Chick

        I just bought the San Antonio Shoemakers (SAS) Coco in Bronze, and I love them.

        https://sasshoes.com/women/women-footwear/women-slip-on-shoes/womens-coco-bronze

        In talking with the guys at my local shoe store, the design staff at SAS is seeing a changing of the guard. The daughter of one of the head designers is taking over the women’s section, and they’re seeing a whole palette of new colors coming out, along with pushing some boundaries in terms of stylish, comfortable shoes.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Oxfords? I just got a pair from Dr.. Scholl’s that don’t look like Dr. Scholls, if you get my drift.

    • Alexandra McCabe

      Look at Rockport Total Motion. Their heels are comfortable, but for you, I would obviously stick with flats, which they also make and are very comfortable (I’m wearing them at my office right now)!

  9. HSAL

    I bought the “similar” Corso Como shoes from last Tuesday’s coffee break and I love them. I regret that I didn’t get the other colors in my size since they’re sold out now. Time to sale-stalk this brand.

    Also, I’m a new convert to the LE sleeveless ponte sheath. Two questions: how often do they come out with new colors/patterns and are the sleeved versions the same fit?

    • Anon in NYC

      Have you checked out Amazon? They also have the Corso Como shoe (although maybe not in your size).

    • Charmed Girl

      They come out with new colors every season. I love these dresses and have a bunch, but it seems there are small tweaks with each season- some good, some bad.

      I also have two of the sleeved ones and like them. I wear the same normal size.

  10. Fertility dr. question

    Regular poster going anon here… Have been TTC for about a year without success. I tracked my temps for about 6 months and wasn’t able to distinguish clear patterns, but am now using a fertility monitor that, as far as it can tell anyway, is showing that I’m ovulating.

    Have appointment in 2 months for initial fertility consult. For those of you that have been there, what types of questions were you asked? If there’s anything we can do to best prepare (beyond the above), I’d rather know now so that I can be prepared with as much relevant info as possible, vs. having lots of homework post-appointment.

    • Anonymous

      If you can, track when you’ve had s*x on the same calendar as the fertility monitoring as that information may also be useful. They will probably also want to know if you’ve had a healthy weight while TTC or if you’ve had stressful life events (e.g. parent dying) as those can both impact infertility. Some clinics will want to know if you’ve done the every second day method as that can have good results for people who are otherwise healthy and have unexplained infertility – that’s where you have s*x every second day throughout your cycle (excluding when you have your period) for a couple months. Also, family history related to infertility (you and DH).

      • Diana Barry

        Plus, start tracking temps again. If they are all over the place, your ovulation cycle may be hard to determine, but it will help to give the dr a baseline for what your chart looks like.

      • Fertility dr. question

        Thanks — we’ve been careful to have s*x before/on/around the days that I’m indicating peak fertility, but I hadn’t been bothering to record other times. Will definitely do that (and perhaps go for the every second day approach for the next two months — that is more s*x than we normally have, which is why I’ve been reluctant (“shouldn’t it not feel like a chore???”) but I guess it’s time to try it!).

        • Anonymous

          one way to mix it up is to enjoy doing things that you can’t really do very easily with small kids around. Fool around on the living room couch or in the bathtub on a Saturday afternoon or go out to dinner and then rent a hotel room downtown or meet at a hotel at lunchtime if you work close enough! Try to think of it as a celebration of your kid-free lifestyle that will hopefully soon end!

        • Anonymous

          Uhhh yeah? If you want to get pregnant, you’re gonna need to try having more sex. Bonus points? Free and no needles involved.

          • Fertility dr. question

            Ok thanks for the tone. Our pre-TTC routine was mostly weekend s*x (time to enjoy it!) thanks to two exhausting jobs. So adding a few weeknights for two weeks around fertile times was actually a huge adjustment for both of us.

          • Fertility dr. question

            Adding that it sounds like my goal would be to have s*x once/month and have it “work” — um, not at all! — just that we’ve been carefully having regular s*x (though not necessarily every two days exactly — more like every 3 and then every day for 3-4 days when I’m showing as ovulating) for a year, and I miss just having sex bc it’s fun!!

    • Me too.

      Ugh. I’m in the middle of this (blood test today – woohoo!).

      I made an appointment with my ob/gyn to talk about it after 6 mos of TTC, but I have a nasty family history of many female-only issues so I didn’t’ want to delay. I know some doctors wouldn’t talk to me until 12 mos, but given results I now have I am so glad I forced the issue.

      The initial appointment was easy – definitely know your cycles from the last few months. I would also figure out how to describe them – in the moment the only word I could come up with was “irregular”, but there is a whole vocabulary used to characterize cycles. We didn’t get into specifics about times of day we had s*x, body temperatures, or anything like that. We did talk about how I was taking ovulation tests for 2 mos without a positive, my family history, my cycle history pre/during/post birth control, talking about the willingness of my partner/DH to get tested himself (so talk to him about that first if you can). I wouldn’t sweat it if you can’t log each time you had s*x in the prior few months or the timing of your ovulation tests. Again, it stayed somewhat broad. Lastly, I looked up the symptoms of PCOS ahead of the appointment because of family history and I know that it’s common, and I’m really glad I did. I had symptoms that I was able to point out in the appointment that I might have otherwise overlooked/not thought was worth mentioning (namely, hair growth and acne).

      The initial appointment, beyond the conversation, was a full gyn exam and a blood test. They scheduled me for an ultrasound the following week, and also blood tests on days 3 and 21 (which happens to be today) of my next cycle.

      I was surprised about how little we talked about possible treatments, which in hindsight makes sense. We didn’t talk about taking Clomid, IVF or other fertility treatments, except in the most broad of terms so to ease my nerves (as in, “no matter what this all shows, there are a range of courses of treatment…”).

      I know the whole infertility conversation isn’t supposed to be taboo anymore, but honestly it is. Even being able to write this anonymously has helped. Best of luck to you – you are not alone.

      • Me three

        Just adding to the chorus to say you’re not alone. Just had our first consultation with a fertility specialist last week, after about 18 months of no success on our own.

        As prior posters said, we mostly talked cycles, signs of ovulation, prior medical issues (none, in my case), social history (exercise, alcohol, etc.)

        They did an ultrasound of my uterus/ovaries and scheduled me for follow-ups on my specific cycle days – blood tests and a diagnostic for uterus/fallopian tubes called an HSG. We also set up testing for my husband and talked about his medical history (he came to the appointment).

        Not a ton of discussions of options, but mentioned the general progression of medication to ensure ovulation, IUI and then IVF.

        Finally, let me just say that this sucks, a lot. Who knew you could spend your entire 20s worried about ending up accidentally pregnant and then…nothing?

        • Fertility dr. question

          Thanks for the commiseration and advice! Best wishes to both of you with this process too.

          • anon

            Just FYI at my very first visit I had a transv*ginal ultrasound (to look at general anatomy and for pcos), it was fine but I was NOT expecting that! So that is something that they may suggest!

      • Batgirl

        Great advice. I would add that if you can get your OB/GYN or GP to do an AMH/FSH day 3 test now, I would encourage you to do so. Those tests give you a better picture of how your ovarian reserve looks (which tells you, in very rough and uncertain terms, how much longer you have to conceive). If your AMH is very low, that may help speed things along with the fertility doc. I would also encourage you to do both natural cycle monitoring (cervical fluid and temps) as well as using a pee stick test like Clearblue. I spent several months just doing the latter only to realize, when I was being monitored at the health center through blood work and ultrasound, that it had predicted my window too early several times.

        I would come to the appointment armed with any info you have about your ob/gyn medical history (any surgeries, etc) and, if you know it, the age your mother went into menopause.

        Finally, don’t lose hope! I had a lot of trouble TTC and was told it would be very tough — now I’m 7 months pregnant after our first round of IVF. Not always that easy, but you never know how easy or hard it’ll be for you so you may as well be optimistic.

        • Batgirl

          By the way, I would add that you might want to schedule another appointment with someone else now in case you don’t like the doctor and want a second opinion. It’s no fun to have to wait another few months for someone to be available. I would find out as much as you can about their own approach, come armed with a notepad and a list of any questions you have — mine was a page long typed! You should have a doctor that you trust, that listens to your questions, educates you with the answers, but also offers a clear position on how to move forward (though you will likely not get this clear position until some tests have been run). If you’re in NYC, I have some recommendations.

          • Fertility dr. question

            Thanks Batgirl. I’m in Philly. Trying to figure out where to start with my own questions, so your thoughts are helpful. Fortunately I’m “only” 32 so in theory we have time to figure things out.

          • Anonymous

            I’m usually not into these kind of things, but there’s a Baby Center message board called Actively Trying to Conceive: The Next Level. I’d suggest lurking there. There are a zillion posts on first RE appointments, and there was a recent one on REs in Philly. There are a lot of posting rules to keep people in line so it’s generally very helpful.

            Good luck; I was there 6 months ago, and self-education + RE worked for me.

          • Philly ivf

            If you’re still reading I did ivf at RMA of Philadelphia with Dr Gutmann and was generally happy with her. Not warm and fuzzy, but effective. Would also highly recommend Healing Arts acupuncture – they suggested her as a RE. Because of our diagnosis (male factor) we jumped straight to the big guns of IVF with icsi but it worked and I had twins on the first try.
            If you have more questions, just shout. Either here or on the moms s*te

          • Fertility dr. question

            Thanks all — I am bookmarking this thread for reference!

  11. Anon

    Am I the only one NOT rushing to pay off student loans? Every where I read, it seems like people are paying down debt left and right and doing all they can to get rid of it. I graduated in 2005 with a small-ish amount — 75k. Consolidated at just below 2.9%. Now don’t get me wrong, when I first graduated law school for the first 3-4 yrs, I was paying down a lot of extra principal. My monthly payment is $300 and I was paying $600-700 every month. Eventually that “enthusiasm” tapered off and it was more like $500 or $400 and now 10 yrs later it’s back down to the required payment. I was looking at an amortization table and bc of how much I paid up front, it is as though I am at yr 22 of my 30 yr repayment term — meaning I’ll be done in 8 yrs if I pay just what’s required. I’m fine with that generally — I’ll be 43 and will have paid it all down in a total of 18 yrs. Part of me thinks, should I speed it up a bit more? I know the argument re — if you can make more in the market, don’t take money out of the market for lower interest debt. So I wouldn’t be doing that, I’d pay it out of my monthly free cash flow — I have savings every month, though admittedly less now in my 150k gov’t job than in my biglaw senior associate job. Part of me now wishes I had paid it off while in biglaw (though I can do it now — it’s not like I was wildly spending my biglaw money).

    • Anonymous

      I had about half your debt and focused on paying it off asap – took 5 years but I was in tiny law and my salary pretty much equaled my debt. A few reasons – didn’t want it hanging over my head, wanted to have it paid off and enough time to enjoy disposable income before kids, market investment wasn’t guaranteed so I didn’t want to bank on that. YMMV of course.

      Many people want to get it paid off because it can be rough to pay student debt, mortgage and hefty daycare bills all at the same time and it’s one less thing to worry about/keep track of.

    • Anonymous

      Same boat, don’t feel bad. 2004 grad, so the same low rate benefits. All gov’t, no private. I didn’t start in “big law” so while I had a comfortable starting salary, it’s not like I was pulling down $120K off the bat. I had the initial thought in my head of “pay down in 10 years, then have children,” but I decided to have a child sooner than that. We sometimes throw bonus money at it, though we normally just make regular monthly payments. I’m totally ok with that. I can afford the monthly payment comfortably and could if I made significantly less, too. I’d rather save, and travel, and pay for home improvements (and daycare, frankly). And I’ve never had any issue with credit score or anything with the student loan on my books.

    • Anon

      I’m not rushing. I started with 130K in loan debt and decided to go the mid-size firm route. I consolidated almost all of it at 2.25%. I’ve had other unexpected big, long expenses and life events come up (divorce, kids w/ serious health issues, etc.). But really, even without those life events and even if I did have extra money to throw to it (which I don’t)…. It’s 2.25%. I have it on auto-payment. Some of the private loans will be paid off in the next two years. The big chunk of consolidated loans are on a 30 year plan and I’m not rushing to pay it off right now. I may re-focus at some point, but it’s not a priority for a host of reasons, not listed here. Sure, I wish it wasn’t hanging over my head, but it is what it is and the interest rate is bearable to me.

    • Sydney Bristow

      My husband isn’t rushing to pay his off. It’s around $20k and his interest rate is 2.3%. At that level of interest he just isn’t concerned. Mine are all way higher than that and just having debt stresses me out so I’m rushing to pay mine.

    • Anonymous

      You’re not alone! I don’t make it a priority because I would rather do a few fun things here and there in the event I get hit by a bus tomorrow (I have been hit by a car before, so not out of the realm of possibilities). Will I pay way more than I borrowed, sure, but I like to live in the present. I am saving for retirement and place a priority on that (yes, even though I might get hit by a bus). I don’t live beyond my means and I have a good amount of savings. Unwise to not make my loans a priority? Most likely. Do I care? Not really. A (low) mortgage and the SL debt is the only debt I have (no car payment, no CC debt, etc.). I am comfortable with my decisions. No one else has to be.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      My interest rates are way above 2.9%, even after refinancing, so that’s my reason. When I graduated, I had grad plus loans at 8.5% (right now my interest rates range from 4.25-6.25%; I only refinanced half as I didn’t want to lose all the federal protections on such a hefty loan amount)

    • A

      Another “me too/are you me?” post. Husband & both graduated around the same mid 2000s point and consolidated loans at 2-3% on a 30 year term, automatic payments, did not prioritize paying off quickly, but did pay a couple hundred per month more than the minimum. Like you, we’re set to pay off around the 20-25 year marks respectively.

      I now kind of wish I’d paid off when I first started making significant money right out of school, and before the expenses of home ownership, daycare, etc. creeped up on me, but I also don’t really feel “guilty” or bad about what debt I have. I think those of us who were lucky enough to graduate at the time we did with really low interest rates are in a very different spot than those who graduated with the 8-9% rates that became more common later. My minimum monthly payment is still a very reasonable amount that I should be able to pay even if something changes & my salary is considerably reduced, so I don’t feel like the loans are hanging over my head or affecting my life significantly.

    • Erin

      I finished paying off my loans and my credit score immediately plunged 65 points due to a lack of revolving debt.

      Wish I hadn’t pulled the trigger on those payoffs.

    • padi

      I’m in the same boat: only government loans left and because of some incentives offered by my loan servicer, my interest rate is 1.65% (automatic payments, first x number payments on time, etc.). I started out with about 60k, it’s now down to $35k. Most of the payments are principal by now, so it’s not like I’d be saving a lot of money on interest to pay it down at this point. The monthly payment is small (my mortgage guy laughed when he saw the monthly payment amount) so it’s only a psychological burden at this point.

      I think I am technically pre-paying the loan now; my payment hasn’t changed even though the interest rate went down. My servicer has awful customer service so I’m not starting into that fight–just hoping that someday (before the anticipated pay off date) I’ll get a letter in the mail saying it is paid off.

      I could pay it off tomorrow (and sometimes I am tempted to) but it just doesn’t make sense to do so with a mortgage at 4% and the stock market returning 10% (until last summer).

      My private loans, about $90k, were paid off within 3.5 years.

  12. anon

    Middle initial on top of resume or not? I go by firstname lastname; I like the way the middle initial looks, but it seems unnecessary

    • Anon

      Yes! Though I probably only say this bc I don’t have a middle name and I think it’s unprofessional to NOT have a middle initial on a resume — so I’m jealous of all of you who do.

        • Anon

          Ha — it’s just my own insecurity. I always wanted a middle name and don’t have one. People tell me to give myself a middle name — but randomly??! What would I pick?

          I always thought I’d marry and my last name would become a middle name, but that hasn’t happened in my mid 30s so I may be middle name-less forever.

          • Wildkitten

            I have one and I never ever use it. It’s never occurred to me that it could be unprofessional. I plan to drop it when I marry, and just be Wild Kitten instead of Wild J. Kitten.

          • Anonymous

            Pick a name you love! Seriously! You don’t have to wait to get married to have a name you love!

          • Wildkitten

            @Anonymous – it’s a PIA to change your name outside of marriage, at least in my jurisdiction (DC). I’ll probably change it either way in the next 5 years, but if I might marry in that time frame it would be much much easier to do it at that time.

    • A. N. Onymous

      I publish with my middle initial and there is another much more prominent person in a closely related field with the same name and no middle initial, so I put my middle initial everywhere.

    • Fertility dr. question

      Either way is fine. I will say to be cautious of following the advice that Ask A Manager gives with respect to using your preferred name (vs. full legal name) on your resume — for example, AAM has said in the past that a Catherine that has always gone by Kate would, for example, be perfectly fine to put Kate Middleton on the top of her resume. I used that advice and now probably 75% off my employee paperwork (direct deposit, etc.) uses my preferred name vs. legal. Fortunately my bank and doctor don’t seem to mind.

      • Anonymous

        I haven’t seen that AAM post and I don’t have a first name that can be abbreviated, but I would think in that situation you could put “Catherine (Kate) Middleton”, no? With added middle initial if preferred.

        • Anonymous

          I think you only really need to put a legal name if you’re licensed/barred/published under that name. So I would put Catherine Middleton is I was licensed as Catherine Middleton, but if I was applying for a job where I prefer to go by Kate or where I would get better google search results by searching Kate, I’d put Kate Middleton.

      • Fertility dr. question

        I used my preferred name as I use it pretty much exclusively other than on my bar certificate. It’s just a shortened version of my full first name (I suppose Cat for Catherine would be a better example) and, as I was applying to go in-house at clients, they all knew me as “Cat.” I just never thought they’d proactively use that version for benefits, etc — unintended consequence.

    • Maddie Ross

      One of the reasons (and by far not the only one, but the shallow reason for sure) that I go by FirstName BirthLastName Married LastName is that I full on hate the first letter of my BirthLastName as a middle initial. It looks silly to me and is frankly used as a joke middle initial a lot. So I never ever shorten my name to a middle initial using that. And because I use all three, I reserve the right to get really annoyed when people try to. So I vote totally ok to just use two names, no initial.

  13. Ellen

    Hi, I have to apologise to the HIVE for being absent lateley. My Grandma Leyeh had an operation and she has decided to move into my apartement while she recooperate’s. So I have to be abel to support her there. As a result, I have been workeing from home the last few day’s, and will be workeing from home for the next few week’s. So if you do NOT hear from me as much as usueal, that is the reason.

    I am trying to keep up with the other OP’s and their issues, and I hope to be abel to comment a littel today. Best of everything to the HIVE, and to Kat and Kate for running this site so well! YAY!

    • In-House Europe

      Soory to hear about your Gramdma Ellen, all the BEST and its’ very nice of you to take caer of her! (Seriously though, it is nice).

  14. Getting over Disappointment

    How do you get over the disappointment of not getting a pay raise you had hoped for? I know for a fact that I paid slightly less than the average pay for my level at my company. I was given below average raises for last two years because I switched teams both the years. I hoped that it will be corrected this year. But that didn’t happen. I am just disappointed and have no motivation to get back to work.

    Also, how do you deal with a manager who is not open to any talks related to pay increase/promotion. During the first meeting I had with her after joining the team, she made it clear that she knew what raises to give to people and whom she should promote (with out me bringing up any of these topics) and she was not open for this discussion with any one on the team. Other than this, she has been very good to me (no micromanaging, lot of autonomy, getting me whatever help I ask, flexibility in vacations etc). But I just feel so undervalued and all the praise feels like sham (after all, I cannot pay my rent with the praise that is showered on me).

    • Getting over Disappointment

      For reasons that cannot be explained here, I cannot move to another job for another year or so. The only thing I can do is to do a good job and hope things will be better next year even when I am feeling so crappy. But it is just hard feeling so trapped.

    • GirlFriday

      First, I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this.
      While hubs was in law school I was stuck in a low-paying job. Maybe make a list of all the things you LIKE about the current job? Even if it’s just that there’s free coffee, it’s a small perk that can change your outlook. Also, do you have someone in your department with whom you can commiserate? Sometimes what kept me going was knowing that I could go out for a glass of wine with my coworker and we could both just whine a little and then enjoy knowing that we’re not the only person feeling that way. Good luck to you!

  15. anon

    Is a silver dress ok to wear as a guest at a wedding? I am looking at a dress that is knee-length and beaded, but because of the silver color I’m concerned that it is a bit too bridal. Gah, it is so hard finding summer wedding-guest dress that meet 1,001 and one criteria — demure, not black, not too short, not red, and not the color of the bridesmaids’ dresses (green). Thanks in advance.

    • Anonymous

      I think silver is fine, but I also think black and red are fine in certain styles and I wouldn’t worry too much about matching the bridesmaids unless I was specifically asked to avoid a certain color (if you know what shade of green it is, can you wear a different shade? Seafoam looks nothing like emerald). If it’s not a super formal wedding, patterns and colorblocked dresses are ok too. I think you’re overthinking it.

      • Anonymous

        I always wear black to black tie weddings. I don’t really own non black formal wear!

    • Anonymous

      I think so, but someone wore a silver dress to my wedding and it showed up white in all the photos. (Not a big deal, but surprising when looking through the photos after the fact.)

    • Elle

      I vote no on silver. It does look white in some photos and with the new trends of brides changing into a “fun” dress for the reception you may find yourself next to a silver bride. I don’t have a problem with red, but it’s not really a “spring” color. Black may be fine depending on the time of day and what part of the country you are in. (NYC evening? Fine. Atlanta day? No) Agreed that if you’re wearing a different shade or a non-bridesmaid looking dress you are fine. I would worry less about looking like a bridesmaid than I would looking like the bride. I think there are lots of fun spring dresses you can wear! Blues. Pinks. Floral. Striped. Etc.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t know enough about him to really have an opinion, but I feel bad for the guy because he will likely not get confirmed and probably won’t be renominated even if Hillary Clinton wins in November. In some ways he seems like the best pick to make the Rs look bad for refusing to confirm him (reportedly a moderate and not a minority), but current senators voted against him before, whereas Sri Srinivasan was confirmed unanimously. But I think President Obama didn’t want to “burn” Srinivasan and he will get nominated if there’s a President Clinton. Personally, Jane Kelly and Sri Srinivasan were my favorites of the short list, but I’m kind of glad they didn’t get nominated now, because I think this nominee has almost no chance of being confirmed.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I think it was nice of him to take one for the team–I’m sure he agreed knowing it was highly unlikely he’d even get a hearing (and won’t get nominated again, most likely), but it will make for good PR for the Democrats when the Republicans refuse to even hold hearings on someone who is by pretty much all accounts pretty moderate. Basically it sets up a younger, more liberal pick if the Democrats win in November.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Though, if it turns out Trump gets the Republican nomination and the party doesn’t think he could win the general, then do they move to confirm Garland rather than risk someone more liberal? The possibilities/politics on this are interesting.

      • Anon

        ETA: RACIST Republican obstructionists. Every ridiculous move they’ve ever made against President Obama seeks to delegitimize him in a way that has never been done before. I’m completely ashamed of our sham Congress.

    • Anonymous

      I have a stupid question: how do presidents know a potential Supreme Court nominee’s political party or stance on hot-button political issues? I guess in the vetting process they could ask but I’m confused as to how they even put together a short list, since federal judges aren’t elected and thus aren’t explicitly identified with a political party, and most lower court judges don’t rule on overtly political things like gay marriage or abortion?

      • Anonymous

        Because the judges write opinions that reflect where they stand on interpreting the law as it pertains to political issues.
        Also because judges are often heavily involved in local political groups prior to being appointed) and in some states judges are elected and run as a member of a political party.
        But even if a lower court judge doesn’t rule explicitly on gay marriage or abortion they probably do rule on issues that reflect political leanings like states’ rights versus federalism, bill of rights cases, etc.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          This. But even then, sometimes they don’t. The famous examples are John Paul Stevens, who was appointed by Ford, and Brennan and Warren, who were appointed by Eisenhower.

      • Anonymous

        Some of it is based on analysis of their writings. Most (all?) SCOTUS nominees clerked for one or more other federal judge, so sometimes you can try to extrapolate based on who they clerked for (and whether a Republican or a Democrat appointed that judge). Some SCOTUS nominees worked in the DOJ/SG offices and, depending on how senior they were, the administration they worked in maybe instructive. And it’s not like the President is forbidden from meeting with potential nominees.

        But it’s all a bit of guesswork/sleuthing.

    • Anonymous

      I listened to the press conference getting ready this morning and teared up hearing Judge Garland’s short speech. He sounds like a truly decent person, and Nina Totenberg likes him, which is quite an endorsement.

      • Anonymous

        I think Judge Garland is a truly decent person. Icannot say the same for Nina Totenberg.

        • fiddler

          Oh…. she’s lovely. I studied music with her legendary father. What a wonderful family.

          What an awful thing to say.

          • Anonymous

            Fine, that was probably was over the top. Suffice it to say I did not enjoy the time I was around her and several colleagues felt the same.

  18. ANP

    Any idea how this brand’s sizing runs? I’m dying over the $30 black origami sheath in the link. I’m a Land’s End 10.

    Also, where’s your favorite place for stand-alone work tops? I’m not talking about the smooth, dressy cotton tee I wear under blazers or sweaters, but something dressier that I can wear solo with either slacks or a pencil skirt.

    • Maddie Ross

      The featured brand today? I think Adrienne Papell runs a bit small. Definitely smaller than Lands End. So I’d guess you would be a 12, or maybe even a 14 depending on body shape, in it.

      I like plain shirts from Uniqlo. Cheap, but well made. Mostly solids or reasonable prints.

  19. Anonymous preggo

    Laides, seeking little help with an uncomfortable work-“place” interaction (“place” in quotes since we’re all remote employees). I’m just a couple months into my new position, which is to co-lead the development/build-out of a new group within an existing consulting practice. My co-lead and I have different but complementary skillsets, and the goal would be to offer our services jointly or separately.

    A big reason for my joining was that he and I had been interacting often before I joined (I was running my own shop), and things were going well. We got along, and I have a lot of respect for his expertise. But since I’ve come onboard, I feel like we can’t agree on anything, and he’s constantly questioning/criticizing everything I do. Much of this is stemming from what seems like a fundamental disagreement between us about how my side of the practice should be structured, but every time I try to address that directly he says he agrees with me. But then I do something that follows directly from my vision of where I want to head, and he keeps giving me “feedback” to change it until it comes to a head that we’re on really different pages.

    Right now, we’re putting together some blog posts that can be used for marketing, and he’s been giving me “constructive” feedback on what I’ve been writing. I’ve told him what I think the goal of the piece is and asked him to tell me whether he agrees/what he thinks it should be. After a few days of not getting a clear answer and a lot of back-and-forth on details going nowhere, he sent me a long email this morning (with fairly aggressive undertones) about how we’e not on the same page and he’s trying to do X (which is something I explicitly have said I don’t think is the direction I want to go), but fine if I want to do Y (which is what I’ve proposed as the goal of my practice) then what you’ve written will work.

    I feel like we just keep on going in circles, and we’re not getting anywhere. Not to mention that I even after a lot of discussion, I don’t entirely understand his idea about how to structure my practice…which makes it impossible for me to do anything that he would agree with. Any suggestions on how to break through this communication barrier?

    • Senior Attorney

      Take him at his word. Say “Apparently we’re not on the same page. As I’ve said repeatedly, I do want to do Y. And it’s my side of the practice so I’m going to make the call and go ahead and publish what I’ve written.”

      • Anonymous preggo

        Yeah, maybe I’m just way too stuck on trying to build consensus between us…but it’s making for a very uncomfortable working relationship. I’d like to hear and incorporate his ideas, but I feel very much like there’s no real compromise on his end. We may have to split apart our groups, though I don’t know how that’ll work out structurally. FWIW, our boss is generally on-board with my strategy, though he’s also pretty uninvolved.

        • Senior Attorney

          Having your boss on board with your strategy is worth a lot. Just do it.

    • Marshmallow

      Are you a first year law firm associate? I’m a second year and I feel like I just got my workstation under control a few months ago. I don’t have the luxury of a separate office, but I have a desk in a corner of the living room with some shelves for binders, printer, etc. The key purchases were a large desktop monitor and dock for my computer. I have the appropriate cables for using either my personal or work computer, so I can hook up to the monitor and have plenty of screen room. And get a comfortable chair.

    • Meg March

      Think about how you work best. I’m fine on the couch, as anonymous suggested, but you may need a table/chair. Do you like to spread out papers when you’re on the computer? If you don’t want to constantly be moving papers, that might mean you need a dedicated desk (rather than doing it on the kitchen table). Are you on conference calls? That may require a landline, rather than cell phone (or, if not require, be greatly improved by). Look at the light– doing it by a window can be nice, but may also mean late afternoon reflection problems. Finally, sound. Are others going to be around while you’re working? Being able to shut the door on activity is key for me.

  21. Anon for This

    Relationship threadjack: I’m divorced and have been seeing my wonderful boyfriend for about 18 months now. From the beginning I have been quite vocal about never wanting to get married again, and how I love my condo and my independence and all that jazz. And he has talked about how he broke up with his previous girlfriend because she wanted to get married, and although he was/is open to getting married, he didn’t want to marry her. (We’re older with grown kids so no biological clock issues.)

    Things have been going crazily well and we’re at the point where we’re spending at least 6 nights out of 7 together at either my place or his. This past weekend a good friend of his came to town and after the friend left, boyfriend said “So X wants to know when we’re moving in together. Ha ha.” I was caught off guard and said “Ha ha why would we do that when things are so great? I love you but I love my condo and I love my independence and I love my one night a week on my own and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” And he said “Yeah, that’s what I told X.” And that was that.

    Well. Upon thinking about it, I realized that it’s possible he was sending up a trial balloon and I punctured it. Not only that, but my response was not at all what my real feelings are. Fact of the matter is, I adore him and not only would I love to live with him, I would love to marry him. (Eek!)

    I’m thinking about sitting him down and telling him something like “Hey, remember the other day when you said X was wondering when we were moving in together and I shot you down? I’ve been thinking about it and although I love my condo and my independence, I love you more and I can actually envision a circumstance in which we would move in together.” And if he asked what that circumstance was, I would bury my head in my hands and squeak “If we were married.”

    I am almost certain that this would be received favorably, but it seems so scary to just put it out there. What do you think? Go for it or not?

    • anon

      I would just say that, and say that you’re surprised you’re saying this, but you could be open to getting married too.

    • Anonymous

      It is TOTALLY scary, but it can work! My now husband (!) and I met when he was a divorced dad who was very straight with me when we met that he didn’t want to get married again or have more kids. I was OK with that as I wasn’t sure I wanted kids and we talked about how it was the institution of marriage and the whole “wedding industrial complex” that really bothered him, not commitment. Fast forward four years and he woke up one morning and said, “I think I’d like to have a baby if that’s something you want to talk about.” We talked about it. We talked about getting married in a way that signaled commitment and not kowtowing to traditional gender roles. And we eventually got married (very Our Way – we are lucky to live in a state with self-uniting marriages) and now we’re having a baby together. So it was pretty scary but also those conversations can be easier than they seem when you are having them with the right person! Good luck and I believe that you will find a good outcome that works for you both!

      • OP

        Oh, I like the phrasing “I think I’d like to do whatever if that’s something you want to talk about.”

        And congratulations to you!!

    • raquiescence

      You just described how I got engaged, right down to the head-in-hands and squeaking. We’ve been together over 7 years. DO IT DO IT DO IT and then call in sick to work the next day so you can eat ice cream and bask in the happiness together.

    • Anonymous

      Just to play devil’s advocate…from what you’ve written here, he doesn’t seem to want to change things, and you already know he broke up with someone because she wanted to get married. Maybe just float the idea of moving in together first before essentially proposing?

      • OP

        Yeah, I don’t know. I actually wouldn’t move in without getting married. And I really feel like his “offhand” remark about his friend’s question was actually him floating the idea of changing things and I shot it down, you know?

        If he would break up with me if he knew I wanted to get married, then that would be valuable information even though it would be horribly painful.

        I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation with myself, let alone him. But now that I’ve started thinking about it, I can’t un-think about it!

    • bridget

      “Fact of the matter is, I adore him and not only would I love to live with him, I would love to marry him. (Eek!)”

      It’s really annoying when people say, “You’ll change your mind when you meet the right person, wink wink!” Often, there isn’t a right person, or the relationship works best with different boundaries than most people would want. And that’s all fine.

      But it’s not surprising to hear that if you love the guy, get along great, and are better with him than without him, you want him around in a special way. That’s a great thing. Just tell him. If he’s the guy you think he is, it will work out.

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