This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
So it turns out Nordstrom is not the only sale in town today — my FB feed is filled with my blogger friends dying over the Bergdorf Goodman 5F Contemporary Spring Fling sale. And oh, it is good, ladies. The 5F contemporary sale is what's being promoted, but if you cruise around the site you'll see that there are some major deals in every section, with prices up to 75% off. Lots of lucky sizes left, but great prices — for example, this lovely Theory black/navy sheath dress in dark navy, only available in size 4 — it was $275, but is now marked to $96. Some of the brands I'm seeing well represented in the sale: Elie Tahari, Theory, Diane von Furstenberg, Alice + Olivia, Milly, Rag & Bone, Nanette Lepore, and Vince. A few picks, below (hover over the pics for more info):
 |
 |
 |
 |
Oh, and you guys will be shocked — shocked! — to hear that the 3.1 Philip Lim Pajama Silk Shorts Suit is on sale. Wonder why it didn't sell?
Shopaholics Anon?
TJ – How much do fellow ‘r e t t e s spend on their work wardrobe per year? Per month?
I’ve been working for 3 years, and initially bought 4 suits and have added blouses and a few extra blazers and pairs of dress pants over time. Now it seems like all my work clothes are suddenly threadbare at the same time, so I’ve spend about $1k in the last month. I feel awful about it. For perspective, my salary is 90k.
I spend 70% of my waking hours in work clothes, so it makes sense to spend money on them, but they are much more expensive than casual clothes, so the realization that I am wearing through them and will have to replace them regularly is not sitting well.
Help? Perspective?
Anon
Where did you initailly buy your suits and how often did you dry clean? 3 years seems like a short life span for a good suit.
OP
All 4 suits are from Talbots. I’ve dry-cleaned each suit 4-6 times in the time I’ve had them
Susie
Similar boat here, I haven’t spent very much the past few years then spent about $1000 in just over a month. Yes I do feel a little guilty about it even though I can afford it, but I am trying to spruce up my image a bit. I had a lot of things that I’ve owned since my first internship 10 years ago, as long it fits and doesn’t have a tear or stain I tend to keep everything, but I did a major closet purge. I felt guilty getting rid of stuff that I technically can still wear, still trying to convince myself it is not representative of where I am in my career. But I do love my new clothes and feel polished and professional in them!
Miss Behaved
I make the same amount you do, although I just had my review and I’m getting an increase in July. Last fall I put myself on a budgetm – $250/month on clothing.
I’ve managed to keep to it. Since August, I’ve spent just over $1,800 of the allotted $2,250.
Anon
BIGLAW + 2 small children + spouse with travel schedule = no time to shop in stores, staggering amount of mail order (so not a lot of premium brands), large amount of returns
I am always shopping b/c much of my better work clothing dates from my single years and is either worn out or doesn’t fit or is looking dated. My wool better-label suits last forever, but I try to dry clean only if really, really needed. My non-100%-wool suits run the gamut: some are a bit sturdy, but some look bad after only a year.
I probably should spend $5K/year for an overhaul but may spend 2K this year assuming I can find things that fit (easier for biz-casual, but I meet with a lot of clients).
Anonymou$
I make about what you do and spend about $2k per year, including shoes, undergarments, etc. But… I work in a business casual office. Still, I found out I was spending $2k after signing up for Mint about 1.5 years ago (thanks to recs from this site). I thought I was spending $1k. After some thought I ended up signing up with a personal shopper. The bulk of my spending is now done in two visit per year and it’s easier to budget. Also, on my own I would buy things I never wore (eg the skirt that’s slightly too tight, but is a great deal). Working with a personal shopper appears to curtail this for me, even though I’m spending more per item.
Anonymou$
On rereading I sound like an ad for PS, but it’s been a game-changer for me. (I’m approximately 1 million times more put together.) For the OP, please don’t feel bad about spending money on work clothes. You can afford it, you enjoy looking nice (I hope!), so why not! Money is for a lot of things and this is one of them.
Feeling awful
TJ! I just don’t get along with my husband’s family. We had dinner with them two days ago and I still feel sick about it. It’s the only thing we ever fight about and I’ve been toying with the idea of just bowing out and avoiding dinners and holidays with them. They don’t attack me directly but generally make comments that offend and upset me and dh doesnt say anything. his mother and i had a big blow up right before our wedding six months ago and just seeing her is still upsetting to me.Has anyone dealt with this?
SunnyD
I don’t have any advice, but your post made me think of this article from yesterday’s Wall Street Journal about men, their wives, and their mothers.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324787004578495062128171822.html?mod=WSJ_LifeStyle_Lifestyle_5
Feeling awful
Thank you for sharing!
TBK
1) Have you had a frank conversation with your husband about how he needs to stand up for you? It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t think his family is doing anything wrong. They’re making you miserable and therefore it’s his job to run interference and protect you. (This is hard in the early part of a marriage because it’s such new territory. And it won’t necessarily be pleasant for him, but he needs to have your back.) He’s lived with how they are his whole life so he might not be able to see how what they say is upsetting. You don’t want to accuse them (because then he’ll just be defensive) but explain how hard this all is for you.
2) What is it they’re saying/doing? Is it possible for you to make this a private joke? Can you and your husband take bets on how long it will take your MIL to ask about babies/demean your job/make insinuations about your housekeeping/assume you two have 1950s gender roles — whatever it is that makes this so bad?
AIMS
And now I desperately want this jacket. Thank the gods my size isn’t available, I’ve been spending way too much money lately. But someone please buy it so I can live vicariously through you. http://tinyurl.com/plekdv4
Parfait
Hot. Alas, now n0body’s size is available.
Feeling awful
Thanks so much for responding. My husband’s not a big talker and he’s very defensive of his family when I say they’re being hurtful. I’ve heard him admit that they are all pretty nutty on his own, but never when I address it. His stepdad has some extreme political views that upset me and makes really extreme comments about groups of people that include me and my family. I know dh will never stand up to him for fear of upsetting his mother, but I cannot listen to it anymore. His mother is a whole other ball of wax; she has food issues that she tries to drag others into under the guise of health. i feel angry at dh for not saying something for days after we see them. I’ve wrote him a letter detailing exactly why these comments make me feel bad but I think we all might be happier if I just avoid these people.
Feeling awful
Sorry meant to reply to TBK
goldribbons
I have to disagree with your last bit – your husband’s family will always be part of your life, especially if you plan to have children, and it’s best to figure out how to deal with them now. Your DH needs to learn to take your side – all of these people are adults and should respect you, and at the same time, you’re an adult and might need to ignore a fair share of the offensive remarks. Good luck but don’t give up.
Feeling awful
Thank you goldribbons! Deep down, I know you’re right, but it’s really hard. Having dinner with them makes me so angry that it throws my world off its axis and causes such a terrible riff between me and my husband that I’d try almost anything to make it stop. These people aren’t monsters but, at least to me, they feel very toxic. The more I try to “just let it go” the angrier I get.
goldribbons
But these are the people that raised your DH. These are the people that your DH loved and relied on for a significant portion of his life. This is going to hugely influence how your DH will want to raise _your_ children (again, if you choose to have any). As horrible as it sounds, I really think this is something to try to talk through and work out with your DH.
Godzilla
Humor me, how do you react in person when these comments are being said?
I think there are unavoidable situations where you will have to interact with your in-laws and it sucks that your husband won’t stick up for you. Is there a reason you can’t stand up for yourself? Especially with the comments regarding groups of people. I’d ignore the extreme political views and ignore the random food scenarios as long as she’s not forcing you to eat her way. Those are their weaknesses.
TBK
Godzilla, I think you’re spot on.
Feeling awful
You’re right of course. And, to be fair, I react badly. I will bite my tongue or say something vague to avoid confrontation. I generally have two speeds ( outside of the courtroom at least). I’m terrified of opening my mouth and telling these people exactly what I think of them, which would be ugly. I know they raised dh and did the best they could and I should remember that. But he did have an awful childhood and I get upset at them just thinking about it.
Feeling awful
And you’re right Godzilla. It would be best to ignore it. But it’s upsetting for me not to call bull**** on the hateful things that he says out loud. Or the food lectures on “health”while knowing all about how dh wasn’t fed enough as a child. I want to call them on their crap and just storm out but I can’t, of course. Part of me feels like if I don’t say something I’m a coward, but if I do then I’m not going to be able to stop.
TBK
Whoah, that puts a whole other spin on it. If your husband was abused as a child, has he come to terms with the fact that the way his parents raised him was not an acceptable way to raise a child? If not, then I think that’s the problem, not your in-laws. If it was as bad as you’re hinting, it seems like the conversation you want to have is with your husband about how much it hurts you to think of how hurt *he* was. If his parents abused him and he doesn’t see that, then I think your interactions are going to be unpleasant until you and he are on the same page. I’m sorry. This sounds really rough.
Feeling awful
Thanks Tbk. I think it might have bordered on neglect, on her part, but not abuse. Dh was abused by his stepmom and another family member and by a nanny hired by his mom ( to her credit she fired the nanny later). Dh went hungry because his mom, who was sick at the time, failed to prepare food for him and mismanaged his subsidized breakfast thing at school. No it wasn’t ok, but she’s not a monster either. This week she made a comment taking credit for Dh’s healthy eating habits and I wanted to kill her.
Blonde Lawyer
What if you tried taking a middle road like you might consider doing at work or another professional setting.
Example –
FIL: All martians are thieves.
You: Well, I’m a martian, so clearly we aren’t all thieves.
FIL: Well, most martians are thieves.
You: That hasn’t been my experience. Honestly, you are kind of insulting my whole family here. Can we talk about something else?
Feeling awful
I like that. I essentially said that, but it still upsets me that he brings it up. Traditionally, everyone just lets him rant so I feel frustrated that I even have to say something like that.
L
Don’t take the crazy personally and stop trying to get them to ‘fix’ the mistakes they made while raising your DH. For example, the food/health thing. You’re never going to get them to admit they were wrong and you can’t go back and change it.
Pick your battles. Seriously. If what they’re doing impacts the two of you now, then stand up for yourself calmly and rationally. A nice “that’s an inappropriate question/statement.” It doesn’t have to be a knock down drag out fight.
Feeling awful
You’re right. I have to let it go, but it’s a struggle for me.
HUGS! It took me YEARS...
…and a lot of therapy to reach the point of Radical Acceptance with some of the people in in my extended family. (I’m being vague to avoid outing myself.) This is a Zen state of being in which you somehow manage to accept their being aggravating without letting the aggravation unbalance your emotions and other activities either during or after your interactions with them. For me, I realized the most important thing was being able to control the timing of our visits, because my DH, preschooler, and I would suffer for days afterwards if we allowed our family schedule to get thrown off (e.g. starting dinner at 7:00 pm in a not-kid-welcoming restaurant located a long drive away from our hotel room). The next-most important things were being able to build in quiet time for myself during visits and honoring DH’s understandable desire to spend time with them.
Radical acceptance is hard to explain, but once you get there, you’re totally there. Sorry to sound so Zen in this explanation. It doesn’t mean that you have to _like_ someone’s behavior, or that it’s fair or or reasonable for them to be so irritating, or that you have to be a doormat meekly absorbing all of their behavior no matter how rude or inconsiderate or inconvenient. It means that you acknowledge the reality of this particular challenge (I used to wish it would just go away) and then find the best way to address this reality without either alienating the other parties (because being hateful isn’t really part of your self-image) or losing your own values, functionality, or self-respect. Funny enough, once I reached this point I was able to find a way to compromise and even to enjoy the time together.
Feeling awful
Oh thank you so much! I really needed that. Especially to know that it can get better and that I will find a way to just deal without losing myself in the process. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
anon
This.
My mom can sometimes be a very challenging person. She’s often narcissitic in the sense that everything revolves around her and every conversation works back to her; she remembers every fight/perceived slight and brings it up later, sometimes years later; can get spun up on very little instigation; makes comments that are at the very least tone deaf if not outright offensive. But she has many good qualities as well, and from the time I went away to college, I’ve always been able to ride the ‘radical acceptance’ wave with her – I fully engage with her, but when she goes off to crazy-land I just do the mmm-hmm, I hear you, let it roll off my back thing. I just kind of expect that x% of the time she’s going to be difficult, and don’t let it get it in my head when it happens. Consequently, I (and my kids) have a good relationship, and fun visits, with her.
My sister has never, ever been able to do that. She rises like a fish to bait every time. Same with her husband. He’s also been able to use how tweaked up my sister gets to drive a wedge between her and my parents. In the last few years its been very sad to see what that has meant for her (now extremely strained) relationship with my parents and more particularly how difficult its become for my parents to have a relationship with my nephews. At this point, I think the damage is irrevocable.
So, FWIW, my advice is, find a way to stand up for yourself in a non-abrasive way when it is really necessary, but find a way to go Zen and not get wound up about things that don’t really matter. Is it ludicrous for her to believe that she’s responsible for the good eating habits given the history? Sure. Does it really matter? Not in the least, and there is nothing to be gained by arguing the point. Ergo, ignore.
Feeling awful
Thank you, anon. That helps. I think part of the struggle for me is accepting that I’m obligated to be around them sometimes. It’s a scary part of adjusting to being married. Every instinct in my head tells me to just refuse to deal with people who make me so unhappy. In any other circumstance I’d just minimize my interactions with them and then maybe laugh at their behavior later on. I think part of my anger and frustration is that I’ve never had to deal with this before.
HUGS! It took me YEARS...
This exactly: “I think part of my anger and frustration is that I’ve never had to deal with this before.” I remember feeling so surprised… Glad I helped, and now it’s my turn to thank you.
goldribbons
Question: Did any of you tell your mother/best friend when you and your husband began TTC?
TBK
Ha! I think I told the whole world. Now I’m telling the whole world about our IVF journey. But I am one of the least private people in the world, so I shouldn’t be a yardstick for anyone.
mascot
My BFF was pregnant herself so she was a great source of support/information. Otherwise, we kept it to ourselves.
Susie
I haven’t TTC-ed, but if I did I would. And I know which of my friends are.
TTCing
I am TTCing, and I haven’t told anyone about it. If it gets to the point where I need some support, then I will share. But I know that if I raise it, it will be a constant topic of conversation, which is not something that I want at this time.
Anon
I haven’t TTC-ed, but when we do, I don’t plan on telling anyone. For me (personal decision), it is a very private matter. Not in the “I don’t want people to know what we’re up to” sense because, hello, but just that I want it to be something special for just the two of us to know about.
Also, to be honest? I do NOT like failing at something, and I would NOT be happy if it takes us a while and everyone knows about our (potential) issues. But that is 100% my hangup.
Samantha
I did not tell anyone, and I’m happy with my decision. I’m a private person, didn’t want to field constant questions from family, didn’t want to have to explain if things did not happen immediately, and didn’t want anyone to picture me TTC-ing. Ha! But that last one is maybe just my own hangup, because these are close friends and moms we’re talking about. But still.
Anon
I got married when I was almost 37, so I’m sure people were weirdly wondering if / when / whether / etc. So the next month, I called my parents and announced that I was pregnant and it was *OMG* now my dad knows that I have had a LGP.
I am still a teenager.
So I never would have said anything. [Different story for people like my parents who got married at 22 and didn’t have any children until I arrived at 27, so 1) a decision not to TTC and then 2) a decision to TTC for them.]
No
I can’t even imagine that phone call seriously “hey mom! H and I are having lots of unprotected s#x! Just thought you’d want to know so you can put the weekly phone calls to ask about it on your calendar!”
Anonymous
parents: no!
bf: yes!
anyone else: no!
Sakari
Hello,
I work for a small ERP consulting firm and the majority of our clients are medium/large companies. I am an ERP consultant, not an attorney. I have been with the company for over 5 years and do not typically go to sales demos. I go to client sites primarily to work on projects that have a signed off work order and deposit (billable work). Lately, my boss has been asking me to go to sales demos with him. I very much enjoy working here and feel respected by my boss and colleagues.
For onsite project work, I typically wear a black pant suit to the 1st face-to-face meeting. From there, I check out business attire of the staff and future visits, dress accordingly. If formal, I’ll keep wearing suits. For casual, I’ll wear nice fitting black skinny jeans, loose solid color v-neck t-shirt and a nice QUALITY blazer, dressed up or down with nice shoes/jewelry. I do not wear skirts or dresses, ever. No cardigans either, only blazers. I’m 33, young looking.
Anyway, these sales demos are a different story. The visits are to prospective customers. I have only gone to a handful and worn suits to be on the safe side. However, my boss/colleagues (all male) wear khakis and a plaid/demin button downs or black pants and untucked loose button down shirts. I don’t think I have seen any of them wear blazers/jackets. What should I be wearing? I think I look “rigid” compared to my team but honestly, I look ridiculous in khakis.
Susie
I think I’d go with light colored slacks and a printed blouse with wedges. I wouldn’t wear any sort of jeans if the men are wearing khakis, esp skinny, with the possible exception of a nice trouser type pair.