Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
Planning to travel this year and want something lightweight? Readers have sung the praises of the Mother Lode convertible backpack from eBags for a LONG time, but I don’t think we’ve ever featured it before. There are a ton of different sizes and options — some with USB ports or Lifeboat Batteries, some with wheels and some without — and they’re all less than $150 at eBags and Amazon. Nice!
Happy weekend, everyone!
Psst: Here’s our last roundup of stylish backpacks for work.
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Anon for this
Nice but collapsible outdoor furniture suggestions?
We are building a roof deck and in the market for a small table & chairs as well as loungers. They need to be collapsible so we can physically get them to the roof (narrow 150-year-old stairs) and then be put away for storage in cold weather or super windy conditions.
No issue if they’re backordered at present, we won’t be done until fall anyway.
If it’s possible there will be super windy conditions you probably want heavier furniture you can assemble and leave up there year-round, and then just take the cushions up/down? maybe check with your condo association or whatever.
Anon for this
No condo association to help unfortunately, it’s our own house! High winds aren’t normally a concern but we do occasionally get a really gusty day or noreaster.
We have some zero gravity lounge chairs that are foldable. I think they came from Home Depot or Lowes.
I kind of want one of these. Can they handle large people? We have at least one ~ 250lb-er in the family (both tall and big)
Yes. My husband is around that weight and he got one rated as more heavy duty.
Try Ikea. They have great small space outdoor furniture. And the ‘commercial’ section of the outdoor furniture for costco. More cafe size dining tables.
Anon for this
Duh why did I forget about Ikea??
I got the Caitlynn folding lounge chairs on Wayfair – they’re out of stock but this looks similar:
I got low folding tables at Target:
Anon for this
OP here – thanks! That lounger is exactly what I was picturing.
Just a thought – I chain lock my outdoor furniture to railings in high wind situations. It has worked out so far. If you are concerned about a surprise weather event, perhaps you could either get chains long enough to keep items permanently attached to a railing or make a practice of locking things up after use.
Another outdoor question: does anyone have any favorite gardening shows or instagram/tiktok accounts you follow? i get the idea of thriller/filler/spiller for container gardens but trying to learn for landscape and beyond. ideally zone 5-6 but just generally looking for tips.
This is the answer. He is the purest human being since Mr. Rogers. His show Big Dreams, Small Spaces has actually made me cry.
Monty is chicken soup for the soul.
+1 Monty Don is amazing. Also check out “Gardener’s World” which runs weekly and has tons of practical info about growing all sorts of plants and many gardening styles. We watch it on BritBox but you can probably also find it for free.
Garden Answers on Youtube is great. If in the US, you should check out your local master gardener extension program – there are usually staffed hotlines and facebook groups you can ask for detailed, scientifically accurate answers.
For my area, the University of California Master Gardener club is super useful. Many universities with agriculture programs have similar extension websites/social media to help home gardeners.
Garden Marcus! I honestly don’t know how informative his videos are b/c I don’t garden but he is an actual ray of sunshine.
Ohhh yeah! He’s wonderful.
I thought you were talking about “gardening” not gardening and was very interested!
Gardenista – the blog
I have 2lb of butternut squash I need to use up and I’m bored of all my usual ways of having it (in a curry, or roasted with other veggies). I do not have an immersion blender. Does anyone have recipe ideas?? I also have an acorn squash….
Roasted (bear with me) and added to risotto, which freezes into portions pretty well (if you don’t add too much cheese before you freeze).
This is called an autumn lasagna but it is really good.
I think it would be worth it to get a blender to make soup.
You can also make soup in a regular blender if you have one instead of an immersion blender, you just usually have to do it in multiple batches
And it freezes so well.
Melissa Clark’s butternut squash and mushroom tart. It was delicious! I added some feta a few minutes before end of baking.
Pinch of Yum has a set of freezer meals and has 2-3 that include butternut squash. Detox lentil stew, cauliflower curry plus some other non-freezer meals. Just search the ingredient index. https://pinchofyum.com/freezer-meals
This recipe is one of my favorites: https://smittenkitchen.com/2007/10/butternut-squash-and-caramelized-onion-galette/
Salad ingredient? I’m picturing it with some blue cheese, candied pecans, apples (ok maybe this is a little “fall” feeling but still yummy)
I blend soup in batches in my regular blender. A normal blender will actually yield smoother soup than an immersion blender.
This lasagna is great (just skip the hazelnut if you don’t have them):
Start tracking your symptoms in a daily journal. I had brain fog, fatigue, was breathless, bruised a lot. She ran some labs and I have an iron deficiency. I was already on B12 for another issue.
I use cubed squash as a salad. I chop onions add a dressing of olive oil and cider or balsamic vinegar, some parsley or cilantro. Sometimes I sprinkle feta on top, sometimes I add a tahini on top. I love assembling salads and food like this. I sometimes make/ assemble three different types of these salads a day using anything I can find in the fridge from pickled beet salad(finely chop, add onions or mayo) to roasted carrot ginger salad with soy and lemon honey mustard:)
Soup with butternut and chili or butternut and ginger- no reason that soups need to be blended, chunky is fine! Just chop bitesize, or mash a little with a potato masher or fork.
Pizza or quiche with roasted squash, kale, feta or chevre and some roasted squash seeds.
Veggie burgers with black beans or chickpeas.
You can sub butternut for pumpkin in pretty much any baking recipe. Roast it first, then just mash it with a potato masher—no blender needed. Makes for great muffins, cookies etc. Oh and pie! (Also, now I want pie.)
The Cookie and Kate butternut squash soup recipe has you use a regular blender, and it’s INCREDIBLE.
I don’t know if you have a blender (not necessarily) not an immersion blender — but I have a recipe from Italy where it is a type of pesto (you blend the cooked squash, basil, garlic, olive oil and salt, as needed) to form a squash sauce for pasta. It would also works with a large mortar and pestle. I love it and it’s healthy. We also put mussels on (steamed) and fried small pieces of zucchini.
Roast it and then use in salads with quinoa and feta, stuffed in pasta shells with ricotta/sage/spinach/sausage, puréed into a pasta sauce, with black beans in enchiladas, in risotto, on a white base pizza with caramelised onions and balsamic glaze.
Paging parent wifi Q from this morning – Google Home (pucks with mesh network) lets you set up separate networks for the kids and turn them off and on at specific times. Super convenient!
How do you know if something is “normal” brain fog/unfocus/pandemic whatever versus something that could be improved with a diagnosis, like perimenopause or long covid or whatever? isn’t it kind of like the lobster/boiling water thing?
If anyone’s made their brain less foggy I’d love to hear it…
I had a B12 deficiency and improved my brain fog by correcting it. Other easily detected health conditions can also cause brain fog. It’s worth a visit to your doctor for bloodwork.
Random question. Did you find you bruised more easily when on B12 treatment? I’m on prescription B12. I have some pretty gnarly bruises right now. I haven’t yet reached out to my doctor because I think I may have been clumsy and just not recall it. I’m paying better attention to when I trip or bump things to see if I can track the origin of my bruises. For example, the giant one on my butt lines right up w/ the corner of our kitchen island. I know B12 deficiency could cause bruising but my B12 should be going up, not down, on the rx pills.
Be careful with B12. It’s unusual for people who aren’t vegan to show up with a deficiency since our livers can store enough B12 to get us through many months of no dietary intake–provided that GI absorption is not impaired (since B12 stored in the liver is released back into the GI system for absorption). So deficiency is a strong indicator of malabsorption. Since the B12 serum lab just looks for any cobalamins in the blood, and the pills can raise levels of cobalamins that haven’t been properly absorbed and activated (my best understanding of how my specialist explained this), laboratory testing of B12 levels isn’t reliable anymore once you’ve been on the Rx pills and improved levels don’t necessarily indicate that you’re getting what you need.
I wish I knew this all years ago, because my B12 levels looked awesome on the pills, but I kept getting new symptoms until I was switched to B12 injections instead. The difference for me was night and day. I would prefer not to need shots, but I really wish I had tried them earlier since I ended up with a lot of confusing symptoms and even some misdiagnoses that could have been prevented if I had been treated correctly from the start.
I felt like this for years and it was perimenopause. Hormone replacement theory can help a ton. It can also be depression, fatigue, or hormones related to pregnancy/nursing. I’d try to get blood tests to see what your FSH hormone levels are like.
I have to look out for this now that I am approaching 40. I think that if I had a baby now, I would be in a higher risk category, and it is difficult for me to believe that I won’t have natural childbirth b/c I spent my 30’s working my tuchus off for the law firm just so that I could be the manageing partner. I would advise women in the hive NOT to do what I did, because there is more to life then just being a manageing partner (and I am not even that, yet). FOOEY!
Instead, I think the hive should focus on finding a man who is decent, earns a living and is interested in having kids early. That way, by the time you are my age, your kids will already be bar mitzvahed and if things don’t work out with hubby, you will only have a few years b/f the kids go to college and you can then dump your man and find another one. That gives you better options then I have — finding a man who wants to do more then just have quick sloppy s-x with us. We deserve better then that! DOUBEL FOOEY.
I would say duration and suddenness of onset would be how I would determine if I should start looking for a medical cause.
Start tracking all of your symptoms in a daily journal to take to your doc. I had brain fog, bruising, lethargy, and brittle nails, breathless. She did some labwork and it came back iron deficient.
Brain fog and vocabulary loss were major symptoms of my hypothyroidism.
Also have your Vitamin D levels tested.
lots of good advice here, I’d add dietary too – if your blood work comes back normal I’d recommend considering cutting out dairy for 3 weeks and seeing if that helps; then even cutting out gluten for a few weeks to see. Both cause fog for me.
Travel question: I’m doing a girls’ weekend in Nashville in October and have never been. Any ideas about where to stay, where to eat (and drink), what to do? Money is not no object, but options don’t have to be super cheap, either.
I really like Etch (modern, upscale food – the roasted cauliflower app is excellent). A friend recommended City House last time I was there (hipster casual upscale, I guess you could say, really good craft drinks), which we really enjoyed as well.
Last time I was there for a conference, the group I was with wanted to go “honky-tonking,” and it was actually really fun. You can (obviously, I’m making non-COVID assumptions here) just sort of wander in and out of the various clubs, and they were pretty country-heavy on the bottom floor, but had more late-gen-X friendly music on the higher levels, with a lot of dancing. Mostly 40-somethings at conferences getting drunk and blowing off steam, but we really had a good time, and I’d love to do it again sometime.
The honky tonks can be super fun but it’s one of those things you just have to lean into. Beware of bachelorette parties!
It’s been a few years, but I think it was Martin’s bbq on the main drag that had some delicious pulled pork. I’m sure there are other mom and pop places that are great too.
I wrote a novel.
Downtown – Etch. Note: I recently went to Jasper, the recently opened restaurant also by Deb Paquette and was decidedly underwhelmed. Stick with Etch.
Germantown, which is downtown adjacent- The City House – it was opened in Germantown so long ago that another couple we invited to meet us there asked “are flak jackets optional”. Germantown is now a thriving and interesting neighborhood. City House is supper only I think, but the neighborhood is worth walking around – lots of stuff there. Wry walkable area.
12 South: Urban Grub (where other chefs eat), Bartaco is fun. The neighborhood has lots of stuff and is walkable. The Imogene & Willie store is there, selling real jeans and other great stuff.
Out Charlotte Ave: Another Broken Egg Cafe (brunch), Miel, and the Cafe at Thistle Farm. As to the latter, here’s what you’re supporting – “The Rev. Becca Stevens is an author, speaker, Episcopal priest, social entrepreneur, founder and president of Thistle Farms in Nashville, Tennessee. She is notable for founding Magdalene in 1997, now called Thistle Farms, to heal, empower, and employ female survivors of human trafficking, prostitution, and addiction.” It can be very iffy about having a place to sit once you’ve ordered, but there is a party room and I’d recommend trying to reserve it if you have a group.
East Nashville (across the river from downtown) – Margot has been a lovely place to eat for twenty years. She was doing fresh and local back when that was weird.
You can check online at The Nashville Scene for restaurant listings, music listings of who’s playing where, and gallery and museum listings. Also see, Styleblueprint Nashville for articles about cool shops, things to do, and restaurants.
Woo hoo! Thanks for this!
I left out – If you go for some Nashville hot chicken, get the original, Princes. I believe they’ve opened an outpost in a food hall downtown. There is Assembly Food Hall downtown, and a new one out Charlotte Avenue called Sylvan Supply, that look to have some interesting options but I haven’t yet been to either and don’t have specific recommendations.
I haven’t done this, but I’ve heard great things-
Piling on for Etch and Prince’s, though if Hattie B’s is your only shot, don’t skip it.
I am not generally a museum lover, but really enjoyed the Frist. Obviously the special exhibits from 2019 are gone, but i also liked some perm stuff.
The Frist is great. And Cheekwood (art/historic house/botanical gardens) has “Thursday Night Out” running weekly through the end of October with live music and such.
Johnny Cash Museum was a surprising treat.
We did the hop-on-hop-off trolley the first day, since none of us had ever been and as a family, we all have different interests. It was a great way to see the highlights quickly and identify places we wanted to go back to. We separated but ended up on the same trolley home. Some people hate these, but I think they exist for a reason. We definitely saw things we wouldn’t have ventured to.
I accidentally posted this on the news roundup post, meant to put it here, just so a few more of you can be p*ssed off along with me.
Latest creep-of-the-week/why are men such a-holes story. I posted a curb alert for a piece of furniture on our local FB freebies page. Some guy messages me and asks if it’s still available, I say I’m not there at the moment but it was the last I knew. Then I get this:
“Can I text you sweetie?”
I immediately block him, but a couple of days later when I go to take the down the post, I see what followed:
“R u mad”
Then the last one, at 1:30 in the morning:
Ugh. Why do we have to put up with this crap?
Because men. Ugh.
More men should watch Netflix’s new dancing bird documentary. By all means shake your tail feathers for me, but if I flit away then that is your answer and no you don’t continue to pursue me. Go do your little dance for someone else.
But why do they think they can “shake their tail feathers” at us just because thye come across existing in the world? I post a piece of furnitue on FB and then men can ask to text me and call me sweetie? I know this is just some random creep – I live in a small town and have never seen this guy on FB before, he probably isn’t local – but the presumption and entitlement of this crap makes me ragey.
I think I wouldn’t mind so much if I knew that men would take rejection well. I get anxious about these interactions because I don’t know whether my polite “no thank you” will be met with a scary reaction – because it has so many times before. I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with a man trying to chat up a woman he has reason to interact with, the problem is when they think they’re entitled to your attention just because you caught their eye.
I feel you. I have an Instagram for my dog (long story, I didn’t start it but now have to maintain it) and you would not believe how many dudes try to slide into my dms. That pretty girl in the one picture with the dog, and you really had to dig for it, is a teenager. Quit being such a perv. Eww
I’m sorry. :/ That is rough.
Arrgh. Everytime I hear another of these stories (or it happens to me), I think of the article Schroedinger’s rapist. Everybody who don’t understand why this behavior is horrid should read that.
I’m sorry this guy latched on to you, he’s choosing to behave like crap. Stay safe.
I’m going glamping soon with my girlfriends! Any recommendations for things to bring, other than lots of bug spray, books, and alcohol, hahaha? We’re going to be doing some light hiking, stops at nearby wineries, and just chilling by the campfire. After the sh!tshow of the last year, I need this so much.
I assume glamping has showers, but I’d still bring “shower wipes” or baby wipes or camping wipes to wipe your feet clean and get the bug spray off before bed. If y’all are the active type, kites and frisbees are fun, even for adults.
Headlamp! (So you can read in case you can’t sleep but aren’t in a totally private tent/space, or just for getting around after dark if needed). Something goofy like tarot cards or the Settlers of Catan card game in case there’s a lull. Little bag with various medicine (headache, stomach ache, etc), packable warm jacket for sitting out if it’s cold after dark. Maybe a blanket or 2.
Not glamorous, but buy the Benadryl spray, so if (when) you do get bug bites or brush up against anything hiking that irritates your skin, you can spritz it rather than itching all weekend. For drinks, bring travel mugs to put them in, so you don’t get bugs in them and they stay nice and cool.
Fancy cookies, chocolate and marshmallows from World Market for grown up smores. There are lots of interesting options and combos.
Random fun thread: who do you know personally who makes the most money?
My answer: random hedge fund friend of my brother’s who started an algorithm or something for Hollywood movies – making like $5-$10m a year.
I have no clue how much my friends make, but pretty sure it’s my friend with a trust fund who doesn’t have to work. Whatever their investments are, it’s enough to cover kids in private school + fancy car + very nice house + generous charitable donations despite having not had a regular job in like a decade. Other than that, got some friends who work for hedge funds and I figure it’s them.
Yup I have one of those too. Private schools despite the regular public schools being excellent, $3M house in the fancy suburb, dad “works” with the family investment office.
Know personally? Lobbying and law firm owner. 2-3M a year, probably?
I have a friend who walked away from a BigLaw equity partnership to focus on her investments. I think she is like the Lori character on Silicon Valley.
ooo I want to meet her
One of our good friends was CEO of a business that became one of the fastest-growing franchises in history. He just retired and I have to think he is sitting on sweet, sweet stock options or whatever. How much I couldn’t say, but pretty sure he’s my highest-income friend. Funnily enough he lives pretty much like the rest of us, at least as far as you can tell from the outside.
I can’t say for absolute certain, but it’s either the former acquaintance who founded a leading travel booking website or the family friend who has founded several biotech companies. It’s probably the former just because of all that ad money. The latter has expensive road bikes and racing skis, but wears old Levi’s and T-shirts he got for free every day. He has a nice but modest-sized house in a not-prestigious part of Silicon Valley.
In terms of the highest actual salary, it would probably be my husband’s practice group leader, who’s in the $5-7 million/year comp range.
In terms of wealthiest (but not necessarily salary), it’s either my neighbor who is an actual billionaire as a result of selling a company and now just manages his family’s investments, or one of my acquaintances who is a minor member of a European royal family.
I went to school with a guy who created one of the major tech products that pretty much everyone uses. He’s definitely at the point where the relevant number is wealth, not income, since I’m not sure he even has a job anymore, at least not in the normal sense of the word.
A high school classmate makes around $500k/year as base. He’s a tech bro in Silicon Valley.
I’m sure I know people (mostly parents of my peers) who make over $1m/yr, but they don’t talk about it, at least not openly.
The only person who comes to mind is our friend who is both an accountant and a lawyer. I have no idea how much he makes but I assume it’s comfortably in six figures. I know people with family money but again, I don’t know how much they actually have.
Several big law firm partners, and officers and general counsel at a F500. Make upward of $1-2M. Our GC made around $4M last year.
My son went to daycare with a child whose parents we got to know and hung out with a few times pre-pandemic. The dad is a geologist who owns a company that invests in oil and shale exploration/early production. No idea how much, but he’s made a lot of money, probably more than anyone else I personally know.
A relative is a surgeon with a PhD and some other credentials that make him one of very few people who can perform a certain medical device placement surgery that is used in research of said medical device. He has an insane travel schedule and owns 5+ palatial mansions.
I knew a guy in college (we met through a guy I dated) who ended up dropping out of his college and founding GitHub. He’s now a billionaire. I also know another person whose dad is a billionaire from founding a major science-related company.
One of my good gf’s husbands who is a partner at a large law firm – his bonuses clear $1m.
I don’t know if this counts, but I’ve spent most of my career at nonprofits in NYC, with Board members who tend to be super rich, e.g., the wife of one of the leaders of Lehman Brothers (before 2008). It’s not like we were friends or anything, but I interacted her at Board meetings and events. Actual quote, “I had a Bentley once. It was the worst 2 weeks of my life.” That didn’t age well.
Is it Friday yet?
I know a Zuckerberg sister, though I’ve never actually met Mark. I also know some crazy rich people through the horse world – pharma company heirs, the owner of a successful clothing chain, tech fortunes, etc. My very pleasant six-figure salary is nickels, haha, I try not to think about it.
Oh the horse people! I watched someone write a $10k on the spot as a donation without knowing the donation was going to occur. The multiple six figure horses on $2k full training board each month.
Does she use Facebook?
Is it Friday yet?
Yes, and also Instagram, haha, we’re friends on both.
The husband of one of my good friends from college started a medical staffing company with a friend. In his mid-30s he sold his half of the company to his partner for multi-millions. Then friend, her husband, and their kids moved from our Midwest state (where they both grew up and went to college) to TX so they wouldn’t have to pay income taxes on the profit from the sale of the company. Now neither one of them works.
My sister. She works for a tech company you’ve all heard of, has a respectable base, but is paid largely in stock bonuses. The stock has done really, really well, putting her basically in the Hollywood algorithm guy category. It’s really unbelievable to me!
The people I know who are the richest….. are not the greatest people.
One just sold his small biotech start-up for more than 1 billion. He’s totally slime-y.
Shocked. Shocked I tell you.
My husband was the scholarship townie at a tiny private school, so many of our close friends come from serious money.
Biggest net worth (but tied up in intangibles) is probably the third gen owner of a family construction company in NYC and NJ. I can’t begin to calculate the value of the business in total, but the siblings all own multi-million-dollar houses on the Jersey shore.
Biggest yearly free-and-clear salary is probably the anaesthesiologist in NYC.
I already answered, but I have another – my old ophthalmologist invented Botox (many people don’t know this, but its original application was related to ophthalmology). I believe he sold the rights early on before it became as big as it is today, but still, I know he made some serious money off of that!
In terms of earned income, friend’s husband who is a professional athlete and makes about $7 mill/year after he pays his agent. (Although I am not sure how that will average out over his career, which might last 20 years if he is very, very lucky but probably not at that price and which might well end before that. They actually live way below their means for that reason.)
In terms of unearned income, friend from college whose net worth probably hovers somewhere around $100 mill and who lives off the interest of the interest. (She has a job but it pays pennies.) She is a wonderful person who would trade it all in a heartbeat to have her parents back. (They died when she was young and she inherited their estates and was the beneficiary of enormous life insurance policies, none of which her grandparents spent raising her, so it just grew and grew until she inherited at 22.) Other than her watches, she is pretty frugal.
probably my husband’s uncle, who is a partner at a big-for-our-area law firm. I would guess he makes around 1 mil/yr. He still lives in the house he bought many years ago and drives nice, but not super fancy cars. He has put 3 kids through both private school and private college.
My grandpa is definitely the wealthiest person I know but closer to my own age group, either a friend of mine in BigLaw or my old boss, who went from a nonprofit job to running one of the largest departments in our county.
Haven’t seen them in 8 or so years, but I went to university with someone who’s dad was worth about £600m at the time I met them. I’ve just googled and he’s now valued at £2.4bn.
I know the wife of one of the facebook founders, wiki says their net worth is about $20m. She’s incredibly smart and accomplished in her own right (though def not $20m accomplished!) and very generous and political.
My husband’s friend has a medical-adjacent company and definitely earns several million a year. He and his wife are lovely and while their house is really fancy and they travel a lot in normal times, they are really pretty down-to-earth. Both grew up middle class-ish.
I know a couple of people from college who have families in the billionaire-ish range (hotel chain, dad was entrepreneur) and a friend-of-a-friend married a very rich hedge-fund guy.
I don’t know his salary, but my best friend’s husband. He owns a marketing company. They own several homes around the country, and just bought a $1.2MM beach house – with cash. I feel like such a fish out of water when I visit her and step briefly into their lifestyle. I’m just a civil servant living a modest life in the DC area. We’ve been friends for 45 years.
I’m in need of a new strength-training program — what are y’all liking now? I like picking up heavy things but not mountain climbers and stuff.
BodyPump with Les Mills On Demand
Also, Grit Strength (same brand)
DH has one of those transactional jobs that is 24/7 because he works with people all over the globe. He’s really good at it, greatly because he seems to lack any circadian rhythms, but it means he’s almost never not working. No matter what day it is, he’s either working or sleeping, and that’s how he likes it. He will just eat fast food if I don’t feed him. He spends a few hours with his family each weekend, but very begrudgingly. We haven’t had a “date” in years, and when we do go out he becomes very awkward and quiet. I feel like the only quality time I get with him is when we’re in the car driving somewhere. It bothered me way less when we first got together because I was also kind of doing that as a young litigator and because during the pandemic there was nowhere to go anyway. But now I have much more stable hours with free evenings and weekends, and I’m so lonely. I don’t really have any girlfriends. I want him to WANT to do fun things with me. Does this seem like a situation that could be improved with couples therapy? I’m feeling really down about it because it’s a beautiful day out, there is so much to do and see now that we’re vaccinated and things opening back up, but have to essentially do and see said things alone.
Yes go to couples therapy
It sounds like you have already talked to him about this? If you haven’t, I strongly recommed having a calm conversation about it. However, if he doesn’t seem to want to change after that or if you have already had that conversation and nothing has changed, then yes to couples therapy. I would also recommend solo therapy. I suspect he isn’t going to want to change much, so you are going to have to figure out for yourself whether you want to stay in the marriage or not.
I think therapy is absolutely worth a try, but I would also cultivate your own friendships so there are other people you can do things with. Only you can decide how little of your spouse you are willing to accept, but even if he had all the time in the world, he couldn’t be everything to you, and it is healthy to have friends who can provide support and companionship. Also, do you want to have kids? That would be a very hard road in your current circumstances.
I worry a bit that your lifestyle preferences may just be different. I’ve seen this happen in the world of medicine and is a reason why the divorce rate of Neurosurgeons is > 100%. Some people thrive on long hours, intense work, and choose jobs that match their passions.
You’re a deal he closed a long time ago. Why should he put any effort into you now? <-transactional mindset
I have been a transactional person myself and know tons of them, mostly guys.
If he’s always been like this I don’t know if there’s much hope for change but definitely try therapy.
I agree that therapy cannot hurt but caution that you are the one who changed, not him. You married someone who loves their work. Be prepared for therapy to be unsuccessful in making him “want” something different. Unfortunately this may be one of those irreconcilable differences where neither side is wrong but they want incompatible things (like one person wanting children and the other not). At that point, you will need to decide whether you want to get divorced and try to meet someone new (easier said than done but doable), make friends to do things with, or just continue on the way you are.
People change but cannot be changed.
It’s also probably a good time to invest your time in finding some friends who you can spend some of your evenings and weekends with. While volunteering or a hobby club may not fill what’s missing in your relationship, it’s more in your control and will have more immediate rewards.
Real Estate attorney in New Hampshire recommendation? I’m building a house and just want to have someone review the contract with my builder. Thanks :)
We used John Griffin with Primmer when we built our house. He was great.
Weight loss question here.
I’ve lost a noticeable amount of weight where a majority of my clothes no longer fit well, how do I go about replacing lots of items? Do you buy outfits? Fill wardrobe holes…or craters at this point? I need a few items that fit me better than my current offerings and I don’t know where to start. I’ve made lists, put things in my online cart, but I can’t seem to actually follow through and buy anything, unless it’s a t shirt or replacement cami or something basic.
In the last year, I’ve lost quite a bit of weight. I don’t own a scale, but I’ve lost six inches from my waist and hips..I figure around 25+ pounds. I used to weigh myself on a gym scale before the pandemic and I was around 160 16 months ago. I haven’t been to the gym, and been exercising at home, so no scale. Ive always been happy with my body, bought things that I believe flattered me and enjoyed my clothes and hourglass body as well as shopping.
Since I’ve lost the weight, people at work either come up to me to say I look good, but lately, they say I keep shrinking. I’ve worked with these people a long time, and I know they mean well, so I’m trying to let these comments wash off my back, but I also think part of the problem is that I’m still wearing some of my older clothes which are now loose on me, and they have known me a long time — over ten years at my current weight.
I’ve been roughly the same size — give or take 15 or so pounds heavier or lighter for 20 years. I’m afraid to buy new things and I don’t know why. Sorry for the novel, but I’ve just boxed more tops that are too long now and pants that fall off, and I feel a bit lost.
Hi hon, just start shopping!!! Go to a store you like this weekend! Buy things! You’ve got this!
Thank you! I’m going to try doing this…may go early before store is busy, and try clothes at home rather than fitting rooms…some of which are still closed. I am fixing some of my old clothes that I really liked…I can sew and fix a few, but the clothes that were a bit worn out before, just look a bit sadder on me now.
You don’t say how tall you are, but I went from 160 to 130 a few years ago and that was the difference between size 12 pants and size 6 (tops didn’t change as much, as I’m still large busted, so I didn’t need to replace as many of those). If I’d kept trying to wear the old pants, I would have have looked so ridiculous that I probably would have gotten similar comments about shrinking. Just start buying some new stuff- don’t go overboard, since it will take a while to figure out what works on your new body and with new styles, just start with a few tops and a few pairs of pants and go from there. You’ll feel much better!
I’m 5’4 and still busty, but the sides of my bust are not as round? My bras fit, but the volume is different if that makes sense. I’m still hourglass shaped so having trouble gaging my size online (especially for pants and tops). My dresses do hang like sacks, and I’m altering the ones I can, and letting go of others. Trying to buy online has been hard, so I’m avoiding online purchases (except ordered lounge/ exercise stuff).
That much weight is at least 3 sizes, and no amount of alteration may be enough. I made the mistake of buying a floor sample wedding dress 3 sizes too big and having it altered. I still cringe at the photos.
That’s a good reminder! I’m turning two dresses into skirts — I agree that altering something too big is not worthwhile. A couple of tops are going to become pool cover ups, and the rest is now boxed in a holding zone, or will be donated.
Omg girl no your bras do not fit. Please go get professionally fitted!
You’re right! They don’t fit that well. I’m going for an online / phone fitting soon.
Not to bravangelize but please check out a bra that fits on redd1t. It is excellent and so much better than any department store fitting I ever had (yes, including Nordstrom)
I would start with a small list so you’re not overwhelmed. What pieces are you missing the most from your old closet (or continuing to wear the most)? Like if you’re constantly reaching for dresses that now hang like sacks, you know where to start.
In replacing my clothes after having a baby. I made the mistake of trying to get stuff that fulfills multiple roles and was a relatively good value. Turns out that everything worked okay for whatever I was wearing it to, but I did not actually like anything. So I attacked the Brooks Brothers, Dillards, and Nordstrom sales and bought gorgeous skirts and dresses for work, weekends, and church, new athletic shorts, and new weekend pants. Next up is new work pants. It’s basically a capsule wardrobe but it is beautiful and clothes that fit are about a million times less stressful than clothes that do not fit.
Go for it
Def get new pants!!
As someone whom just lost a bunch of weight, all of a sudden all my pants made me look like I was sick….
tops not so much…., dresses were bad too.
I went to the local JCPenney and tried on no less than 30 pairs of pants, I didn’t look at the sizes, I went by fit, regulars & petites I ended up leaving with two and that was fine. Also try on a whole mess of new bras of assorted types while you are there too, weight loss impacts that area as well.
I also ordered a few Hawaii rip skirts-they have Velcro waists that allow for flux while you are going down/toning.
Trying on 30 pants sounds amazing! I’d love to try things on in store. I’m in Canada and only have one jab so far, so while there are masks required indoors in stores, I’m still a bit apprehensive in fitting rooms. I may brave it and go early first thing. That’s part of my problem is that in some stores the fitting rooms are still closed. The skirts sound great though— thanks for the suggestion.
Do you have a Talbots near you? I would go there and try a bunch of sizes and styles or taken them home and try. If you find a style you like, you can often order different colours online. Just wait for a sale and free shipping. You still have to pay taxes and duties, but with the dollar climbing, I don’t find it too bad. If you do place an order online, try a pair of curvy fit pants. For some reason, I never see that cut in the stores in Canada. Since you mentioned you were an hourglass, they might work well for you. You can return online orders in the store and they refund the duties and taxes as well.
Also look at a site called Vivienne Files. Not for the specific brands, but for how she puts colours and the number and type of pieces that she uses to create small capsule wardrobes.
And finally congratulations on the weight loss!!
I had a Talbot’s near me that I liked, but sadly it’s closed due to the whole area being redeveloped. There is on about an hour away, that I will investigate. Thank you again for the heads-up on the duties for online ordering and in store returns. That will make a difference for sure.
I’ve lost a lot of weight too–this can be as hard or as easy as you make it. I decide to have a few things tailored, but not much. it was time to move on. My life is on the casual side; I made a list of things I knew I would wear; it was pretty basic: dark jeans, black pants, blazer or two, casual chino/similar pants, shirts, long sleeve and short sleeve tee shirts. I reviewed my shoe and scarf situation and edited that. After that, I added “going out to dinner” tops, some dresses–casual, and a “funeral dress” for funerals and serious events. Then add fun/novelty pieces that you like: a moto jacket in a color, print tops, etc. Go to The Vivienne Files–lots of info on building a wardrobe. Enjoy, and congratulations!
Thank you all for the encouraging words:) I realize I am making this harder than it likely is….my closet has been substantially purged, and I’m looking forward to adding things I love. I turned 50 as well and this is a big shift for me. I’m also looking to add casual pieces, such as some pants and casual dresses (which I wear more than pants or jeans) as my work place is super casual.
When I lost 30 pounds in 2019 (cancer) I used this article to start a capsule wardrobe. She has tons of great articles so if you don’t like the color scheme or style, look around – there are tons of options. https://www.theviviennefiles.com/2016/12/how-to-build-capsule-wardrobe-starting_30.html/
Thank you for the link. I love colour and the images for the capsule wardrobe are so inspiring.
In your situation I think I would start with:
1) get at least one new bra that fits great – a well-fitting bra will make sure that your new tops fit and drape correctly.
Sine you lost 6 inches at your waist and are an hourglass, there’s a very, very good chance that you need a whole new bra size, even if that only is a sister size situation (if you go one band size down and one cup size up that bra is the same breast volume, same with two band sizes down and two cup sizes up – same volume breasts, just a smaller frame)
2) get a pair of jeans or trousers that fit well. If you look at size charts for trousers, take the hip measurement as the most important (waistbands are easier to take in) and get a fabric with a little stretch (so no worries about thighs) as your starting point.
3) get a really well-fitting t-shirt or top in your new size. Overbust measurement is a great place to judge t-shirt fit and then possibly size up if you are very well endowed and there is little stretch.
If you have a well-fitting bra, a simple top and trousers, you’ll have at least one outfit where you’ll look like yourself again.
That a great order of operations to approach this! I am certainly ordering some new bras and doing an online fitting. I plan on trying on pants in situ or ordering several different sizes online. I am looking forward to this process as I’ve been placing my current jeans in the dryer to shrink them, and they are all fading and wearing out! I love the idea of feeling like myself in one well fitting outfit. Thank you so much everyone for you kind and supportive suggestions:)
Recently moved to this area, would love to connect, if you have an email you’ll share, I’d love to meet you or if you have friends in this area. I am just trying to build a network of good people!
I’m a lifelong Tennessean who lives and works out in the boonies but recently closed on a condo in Nashville. I’m there in Nashville most weekends and holidays and would love to meet you. You can contact me at formerlylilly at the Google email.
There was a Nashville meet up several years ago that I wasn’t able to attend. It might be fun to schedule another one and see who’s around.
I’m here and would love a meet up. I’ve basically lived here all my life. only4shopping1 at the Google.
For those in Chicago, can you let me know how things are there in terms of requirements to wear masks and how locked down things are still? We are planning a visit in June coming from the SEUS – we are not required to wear masks here and things are pretty open, so we were wondering what to expect in Chicago. Thanks!
Hello! Chicagoan here. It is very dependent on neighborhood. I’d say outside a majority are no longer wearing masks, but you’ll still see probably 25 percent wearing them. Grocery stores, cafes, etc have made masks optional, but I still see most people wearing them inside. Restaurants and bars are open, and there is a lot more energy in the city than a few months ago. This is generally a pretty compliant area, so I would expect more masks than you’re used to but you’ll probably see all kinds of things.
The state doesnt require masks but a lot of businesses still do, or at least they “strongly recommend/request” that patrons wear masks.
Time sensitive question: permanently disabled from motor vehicle accident (with so called “invisible injuries”) and hoping we can settle case in next month and in my late 60s with no retirement savings, huge student loans (despite frugal and responsible money management by anyones account) and continuing expensive medical issues. Dear friend has lifelong very serious money management issues (e.g. unaffordable luxury vacations and many best of everything purchases), and one of friend’s financial monthly support streams is likely going to end now. I sense friend will strongly hint or ask for loan or gift of money, and if it is a loan I am sure I will never get paid back and whether it is a loan or gift I think I will be asked again and again for funds and it will ruin our friendship. I do not want to lose this friendship, we have been there for each other in the worst/best circumstances and have great times together. Relative of friend refused to cosign loan for friend who is still angry many years later. Please, please tell me how I can refuse while saving the relationship? How to phrase my refusal in the kindest, most honest way? I am planning on tithing on the MVA settlement but then saving every penny of the reminder for future medical needs. Should I give friend some of the money I planned on tithing (10%) ? Or, should I give friend a set amount making it clear that I cannot give more later on? What to do? Thanks in advance!
If I read this correctly, you are about to receive money to support your permanent injuries, and you’re planning to donate away some of the funds that will cover your medical needs, after admitting you are in debt and can’t fund your retirement. Even without the friend in the picture, it sounds like you are in hot water financially and this will enable you to survive. I would plan conservatively that you will need all of it since isn’t that what a settlement aims to recompense you for? I would run to a financial planner and set up the funds where they can support you long term. Then they will be “tied up” so you and your friend can’t touch them and they will be there for you when you need them.
Thank you so much for your helpful advice and you read my situation correctly.
Go for it
$ and friendship generally do not go well~at least that has been my experience.
Agree that you’re in a tough bind.
Write it out, go over it with a different Trusted friend and if it appeals, you can take a cue that I have used with success: be brief, be kind, be gone.
use whatever statements you come up to do that ad nauseam on repeat, a broken record.
Another tip would be not to engage in said friend trying to unpack your reasoning to decline giving .
once again rinse and repeat be brief, be kind, be gone
Once the request stops you can invite the friend out for a meal monthly or bring prepared food monthly or some other activity that involves spending time and is giving of its own right.
I’d also repost Monday for more ideas
Thank you so much for your kindness and good advice!
Another idea: Don’t mention the settlement when it comes through. If friend brings it up you can say “yes, I got a settlement but it’s not as much as I was expecting, the lawyers took a lot, and it will barely be enough to cover my medical expenses”. That might not be 100% true, but it may help your friend back off, and help you feel justified in keeping all of it, which is your absolute right. Don’t tithe it. Don’t gift/loan it away. You need that money. It doesn’t sound to me like you plan to use it to flaunt an upgraded lifestyle, so, as the poster above says, be brief, be kind “I’m sorry but I’m really not in a position to help….” (then when questioned repeat the phrase above), then be gone. Do no allow the conversation to continue and put you into a position where you feel you have to justify yourself – you don’t. You were injured and the settlement is to compensate you for that and provide for your continued care. Nothing else.
I so appreciate your helpful thoughts and the script guidance that is in accord with my thoughts. I am sorry, I do want to help but I am in no position to loan money. all the best…
Do not loan money to her – it will only create resentment when she doesn’t/can’t pay you back. I would either give her some amount that you can afford to give her as a gift, or nothing at all. I’m Christian and I tithe 10% of my earnings, but I wouldn’t tithe settlement money I receive that is intended to compensation me for injuries sustained in an accident. There’s just no correlation between money I earned and am grateful to share with the church community to help those in need vs. money that’s a portion of my settlement from a debilitating accident where I am the person in need. I do think that the lawyer will take a good chunk of your funds and you will not be left with as much as you’d hoped. As for the friendship, if your friend is going to break off the friendship because you did not loan her money, she is not a true friend.
I appreciate your good advice and viewpoint on tithing that I had not thought of. Grateful for your ideas! thanks!
You have received good advice (especially on tying the money up so you can honestly say you cannot access it) but I have one more.
Talk to your religious leader about the tithing. Ordinarily, one tithes on INCOME (i.e. what one earns). The “pain and suffering” portion of your settlement is subject to tithing. The part of the settlement that is intended to pay for your loss of income would be tithable but you might want to consider tithing when you withdraw rather than all at once since that means you will not then need to calculate income on investments separately from what you have already tithed on. The part that is for future medical expenses is not income; it is an advance on what you will be paying out of pocket (and if you are in the US might be subject to a Medicare set-aside). That is likely NOT tithable income.
I am not trying to discourage tithing but to encourage you to talk to your minister/bishop. They will be able to advise you. And they do not want you to end up unable to pay medical bills!
Very grateful for this food for thought, and perspective that I had not thought of. I appreciate your advice. Blessings!
I don’t think of a settlement like this as income either. it would be one thing if you were getting a settlement from something related to a job or business, but you are being compensated by someone who hurt you for the cost of your medical care.
The Original ...
It sounds like something is super off here. 1st, settlement money is to care for you, it’s not income to tithe. Use it for your care. If you feel the need to gift something, gift your time by making calls to parishioners in need of company or something. You will harm yourself by tithing or gifting of money and misusing the money.
2nd, if this person is truly your friend, stop talking about the impending money. Also, it should be enough to simply say, “I truly wish I had it to give you.” and then change the subject. Your statement is true (I’m sure if you became a billionaire, you’d give her money) and it shows you do not have it to give or loan or tithe to her. If she brings it up a second time, repeat the sentence and change the subject. If it happens a third time, I might consider saying something like, “I’ve let you know twice that I would give it to you if I had it, which tells you that I don’t. When you keep bringing it up, it feels like you either aren’t hearing me or you don’t respect me enough to stop trying to get from me what I do not have. Either way, it hurts me. Please don’t bring it up again.” If she does, this isn’t about friendship and you need to step back or step away.
3rd, get together with a financial planner so you can make the most of this as you need it in many different financial categories. Lean into the experts and learn what you can from them so you can be mindful of how you spend so you can stretch it as far as possible.
Lastly, am sending you love for all of the reasons. <3
Love back at you :D
This is amazing advice. :)
Cosign every word of this.
Hugs, Nonny, and stay strong.
Love and thank you!!!!
I appreciate your thoughts and perspective, especially on tithing. I have allowed myself to be pushed into doing things I know are not right for me, therefore, thanks for helping me to stand firm in this instance. Best…
I don’t belong to a religion that uses the tithing concept (encourages you to donate what you are able to), so this advice may not align with the tithing customs, but what about putting a plan in place to name the religious organization/charities you want to donate to in your will vs donating now.
As for your friend, you know no good will come from lending or giving her money. If she were a true caring friend, she would not ask. Tell her you do not have the ability to lend her money and tell her you don’t want to discuss it anymore. If she doesn’t respect your request, it may be time to think about whether she is someone you want to continue to be friends with. From your posts, it sound like a very stressful situation for you, and that is not healthy for either of you.
Interesting idea to donate in my will, if more is left when I die I would be tithing more than expected and if not, then I will have needed the funds for medical care. Thanks so much for your perspective and kindness. all the best…
I used to have a priest that said tithing (at 10%) was a goal, not a requirement. Also I don’t think it’s wrong/immoral to give what you can, or to attempt to give a percentage based on your net income, not your gross income. To be frank, I’ve always thought “you need to give 10% of your gross income to this specific religious institution” seemed like a Biblical interpretation that was way too favorable to the person asking for the money/the person in power (kind of in the same bucket as “wives obey your husbands”).
thank you, that is why I have not asked a pastor yet (self interest) so really appreciate your thoughts!
Generally you tithe on income or at least on net assets. It sounds as though you are in debt and without means to reliably support yourself as long as you need to. I don’t believe any reputable organization would expect you to tithe in your circumstances because realistically you do not have it to give.
And yes, leaving bequests when you die is a great idea.
Thank you for your thoughts, most appreciated!