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Oh gosh, I just love this emerald silk jacquard dress from Lafayette 148 New York. Sometimes, when I look at an outfit, I like to come up with a backstory for the type of woman who would be wearing it. For this one, I’m thinking of some kind of high-powered executive in the art/museum world. Artsy and cool, but also chic and in-charge.
This dress just needs a pair of killer pumps and a gold bangle, and it’s good to go.
The dress is $628, marked down from $1,048, at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 1X–3X, as well as regular sizes S-XL. There's also a blouse version in regular and plus sizes for $358-$388.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I’m looking at buying new luggage. Can anyone comment on the quality of Calpak? I’m looking at both their carry-on and checked luggage in hard side styles and I’m really drawn to the metallic colors.
SSJD
We bought [hard-sided] luggage a couple of years ago, and I will share with you an observation that I did not consider before buying: Think about whether the luggage opens to reveal two equal compartments, each of which hold clothing, or whether it opens by zipping off a top and revealing the contents all contained in one compartment. There are probably pros and cons of each style. For me, I do not like the “two equal compartments” style, because it makes it hard to place my luggage on a rack in a hotel/vacation house. I need twice as much space to open the bag. In practice, it means that at least one compartment needs to be fully unpacked. In contrast, when the bag has a single compartment and the “lid” just zips off, you can easily live out of the bag by placing it on a luggage rack or on the floor.
Flats Only
Also consider, if the luggage opens into two equal halves, what mechanism there is for holding stuff into each half as you open it. I have a small hard side rollaboard which has a zip cover on one half, but only a flimsy X-strap on the other, and it routinely dumps clothes from the X-strap side as I open the bag. I much prefer my AWAY suitcase (the medium size) because there is a zip cover for one side and a compression cover for the other, so everything stays in place as I open the suitcase.
AnonMPH
Definitely agree this is something to consider, but I will make the plug for preferring it to open into two equal halves. Yes, you need more space to get it open, but then you can live out of it without everything becoming a huge cluster f*ck extremely quickly. I usually use one side for clothes, the other side for shoes, toiletries, and other miscellaneous objects. That way I know where to look for things. There’s a zippered cover with compartments that I use for bras and underwear on the shoe side, and then a large mesh pocket/zipper that covers the clothes side where I keep socks, bathing suits, chargers. I don’t have to do as much rifling around because I have a general idea of where to look for everything in smaller subsets. My luggage is Delsey hard sided and I love it. Do note that while hardsided provides (I think) better protection to your stuff inside, is somewhat more likely to break if the luggage handlers chuck it particularly hard, where a soft sided bag would probably not break.
No Problem
Packing cubes are an excellent remedy for the clusterfudge suitcase. I was a total skeptic that they could actually allow me to pack more stuff in my suitcase, or make it easier to pack, but I am now a total convert. I can see them being especially useful if your trip involves multiple phases or activities – like you need hiking gear for a couple days, but then normal clothes for the rest of the trip. Just put all of the hiking clothes in one cube and only open it when you need it.
Cat
Adding to the “things to consider” list – if going with hard side, availability of an outer compartment to stash things like a toiletries bag. Although I have Global Entry sometimes, for example, the TSA Precheck line isn’t open, and it would be super annoying to have to open my entire suitcase to extract the liquids.
Anon
Thank you to the posters above. I have had a few hard side suitcases before so I’m good with the style I want to choose. I’m more so asking about the quality of Calpak…like to those who have had them, do they fall apart easily? Do you feel like they are nice quality?
Anon
As a data point, I had a Calpak backpack I quite liked but the zipper broke after fairly infrequent use. I contacted customer service with proof of purchase, etc., and was told that since it was outside the 1-year warranty window that there was nothing they could do.
Anon
I have Tumi luggage and cannot recommend it more highly. I have the lightest weight hard side line.
Anon
Briggs & Rielly forever. Full lifetime warranty…forever. I love mine.
Waffles
+1
I am/ used to be a frequent traveler and I love my Briggs and Riley so much. Fantastic quality and cheaper than Tumi, really thoughtful design, and an amazing warranty.
Anon
Any recommendations for a nice passport holder that zips all the way closed? Bonus points if it has a pocket for my vaccination card.
Flats Only
Mochi Things has a lot of these.
Anonymous
Two ziploc bags will do what you want!
anon
If you live in a humid climate, what do you wear for bottoms in the summer? I have lived in DC for almost 20 years and haven’t figured out my summer uniform. Before I had kids, I could just go from air conditioned apt to air conditioned party, no big deal. But with kids, I am outside a lot, at parks, school pick up, hiking, and picnics. Jeans are out for sure. I love the idea of a flowy skirt, but I have to be pretty active running around after kids, so those would only work for a planned picnic where i know i will be mostly sitting. I also don’t love short shorts, I usually wear bermudas and feel pretty frumpy. Help! Do i just grin and bare it till fall? I love summer heat, but the humidity is such a hot, wet, blanket.
Go for it
Skorts for the win! They are my summer uniform. I feel feminine and can be active simultaneously.
Anon-other
Yes, split the difference with 7-9″ shorts?
Cat
JCrew’s 7″ chino shorts are my favorites.
anne-on
This. I’m slowly replacing all my 3-5in shorts with these, I just prefer more coverage.
Anonymous
Yes, this. I live in LL Bean’s Camp Skorts all summer.
Anon
I love the North Face skorts.
HSAL
The last couple of summers I’ve really liked the woven workout bottoms from Target. It was their Champion line and now I think it’s All in Motion. I had those in a couple styles – very lightweight and breathable. I’m also leaning into the skorts this summer.
Anonymous
+1. I think athletic clothes are the answer. They breathe better than cotton shorts or whatever.
A.
+1 for these, but I like the jumpsuit format from this line. Agree with lightweight (linen blend or airy workout jogger-type cut) pants when shorts are a no. I also like t-shirt dresses.
Anon
I have a pair of Bermudas that I feel like Pat from the SNL skit in. They fulfilled some purpose (some climbing outing where I needed zipping pockets). I can not style them to look any better than meh-minus.
OTOH, I have some Athleta skorts that I love. Not the tennis ones with the leg grippies, but the ones for just running around. They are spendy, but IMO worth the $. I tried some less expensive ones from another company and the legs roll up and the chub rub is awful.
Anon
Also, North Face Aphrodite 6″ shorts are the bomb. I have them in 3 colors and am considering more. They are woven, have pockets, and have a stretchy waist (essential for us pears so that our shorts don’t fall down if they fit the hip measurements).
Trixie
I suggest shorts, but not cotton ones–they get too clammy. I like Eddie Bauer’s Guide Pro ascent shorts–7″ inseam, lots of colors. I wear sandals, some jewelry, and nicer tee shirts or tops with them, maybe a belt, and they work for me. Skirts and dresses work too, if the hem is wide enough–try them with Jockey skimmies under them.
Anonymous
How’s the sizing on those? Eddie Bauer has run large for me in the past, but I think they’ve reworked a few things in recent years.
Trixie
I think they run TTS or slightly large. Def do not run small. The fabric in the shorts is great.
No Face
If I’m going to be active, athletic top and a skort. I have bought some very cute skorts from thrift stores, especially tennis ones. Otherwise I wear a dress with shorts underneath.
Anonymous
I hate the appearance of my knees, so linen pants are my answer.
Anonymous
Athleta Brooklyn shorts.
anonnnn
I wear dresses/skirts with some sort of Skimmies type undershort. I sweat like a beast and even if I didn’t care about possibly mooning someone, I need that catch for my butt sweat. #glamlife
Anon
Sweat wicking leggings (i.e. mostly athleisure). Flowing a-line skirts are always a summer staple, but the longer variety isn’t very useful for extra humid environments or for the chafing that running around with kids will bring.
Savannah
I live in skorts from Title9.
Anon
Shorts are the only way to go for me, I look for ones with a 9″ inseam, as others have said, which stop about an inch above my knee when I’m standing, and provide ample coverage when I sit down. Who wears short shorts? Not this lady, those days are far in the past for me, given that I inherited my mom’s tendency toward varicose and spider veins on my thighs. A 9″ inseam lets me go about my day without feeling like my legs are suffocating, but also feeling like the things I want covered are covered.
I love the “floaty skirt” idea but really only have the energy for that when I’m going to be around other people, like at a social event.
Anon
Gap linen shorts; they are long enough to be comfy for chasing kids. I also like bike short type shorts under loose light dresses for this purpose.
Lydia
dissenting opinion… I would avoid skorts; they are just so so frumpy. often a pair of shorts that’s looser in the legs is more flattering, though. Katie Sturino has done some posts about shorts and try-ons that are helpful, even if you aren’t plus sized.
Anonymous
I find them frumpy as well (and I’m a pretty frumpy person so that’s saying something). Shorts that aren’t too tight are much more flattering.
Anon
Yes this. I feel awful in skorts. I really like the Athleta Trekkie Short. It’s nylon so dries quickly. I only wish they had it in a navy.
roxie
like I literally can’t believe how many women here are saying skorts, I’m really having trouble imagining this look in the year 2021.
Anon
Same. I feel like I waded into some sort of Good Housekeeping article from 1975.
Anonymous
I think people are talking about athletic skorts, which are not the same as the skorts of yesteryear.
No Face
Yeah, it just looks like I’m wearing a miniskirt, except that I’m not flashing anyone. Plus, when I am playing with kids for hours outside and it is 98 degrees and humid, I am just not going to look that fashionable.
Cornellian
I’m in my early 30s, but FWIW, I’ve seen both of my 18-20 year old baby sitters in skorts recently. I think they’re back for the kids.
Jeffiner
I live in skirts year round, so one would think I like skorts. But even I find skorts frumpy. The shorts portion always seems to ride up as well and is no where near as effective as a pair of slip shorts at preventing chaffing.
Anon
I feel like I’m against skorts as fashion, but I think they’re also more flattering on me. I have a tiny waist and giant hips. Whenever I try on shorts they don’t look the way I imagined they would!
Anon
I hated the old skorts, which were the worst of skirts and shorts rolled into one frumptastic garment. Modern “skorts” are actual skirts with slip shorts underneath so you don’t flash people when you bend over. They are appropriate for tennis, hiking, or running after your toddler.
Anonymous
Skorts. Athleta has a bunch of good options. I have a few of the soho skorts which have held up nicely and are nice in the hot humid summer.
Anon
Emily Henderson did a really cute shorts with a feminine blouse and sandals/clogs round up that is my perfect summer uniform. I am strongly team ruffle/fun sleeve though. This look hits that sweet spot of practical with cute.
Anon
Why is this in mod?
CPA Lady
Linen drawstring waist shorts from old navy. Or I wear long, flowy, thin cotton sundresses. I live in the south.
Anon
I wear linen pants or a skirt (often denim) with cotton bike shorts worn as underwear to prevent chub rub.
NY CPA
Mid-thigh length chino or jean shorts (exact length depends on how tall you are) or a cotton/jersey dress with Jockey skimmies or cotton bike shorts underneath. I agree bermuda shorts make me look frumpy too.
anonNoVa
I wear pull-on fitted capris. I know they are not fashionable, but they conceal my thick thighs and I don’t have to worry about them riding up when I sit. I prefer if they hit just below the knee, but also wear mid-calf. When I was thinner I also had some lightweight sundresses that I wore with skimmies, but I haven’t been able to find similar dresses in my current size.
Pep
Capris that hit just below the knee are often called “skimmers”
Anonymous
I need some tips for handling an assistant who is not willing to do work that I delegate to her.
I work for a 30-attorney firm in one of the satellite offices. I practice in the areas of estate planning, estate administration, real estate and business. We have two shareholders and three associates in my office. I am the most senior associate. I handle work delegated to me by other shareholders as well as my own clients.. Each shareholder has a specifically-assigned assistant. Then, the associates share an assistant with one of the shareholders. My primary assistant is (“N”). The other assistant in my office (“C”) went to college with me and was enrolled in law school at one point. Due to some unfortunate circumstances she never began classes. C’s shareholder is my mentor shareholder, and he assigns me the most work of the shareholders, by far. I use N for almost all of my files (except for those that require a paralegal in a specific area, such as real estate). I use C as the assistant for my mentor shareholder’s files and some other matters/tasks that she handles for all attorneys in my office.
Every couple of months, I get push back from C when I assign her something. Including some pretty inappropriate emails over the last two years, that after speaking with my mentor shareholder, we brought to the attention of HR. Most recently, I assigned C some tasks on a file of my mentor shareholder, and a file of my own that I wanted to use her for because of her specific knowledge on the matter. She did the work (poorly and with a lot of typos) but sent me another email. The gist was that she is trying to increase her billables and told me to assign my nonbillable work to N and another staff person in my office (who is our runner/file clerk). I talked to her in person about my disappointment the following day and told her my responsibility is to ensure that the clients’ work gets done in in the most efficient manner. This includes choosing my team to work on the file.
At the end of last week, I found out (through some searches in our document management database) that C has not drafted a single one of the items that I assigned to her the entirety of 2021. She has been delegating them all to N or the file clerk. This explains the egregious typos because C is not proofing before sending it to me. I’m pretty angry about this. I’m on the fence about going to HR again. I don’t want to complain or make our smaller office miserable.
Any tips or recommendations welcome.
Lots to Learn
I would go to your mentor shareholder who is also over C and get his buy-in on the approach. Depending on the dynamic of the office, either he could talk to her or he and you could go to HR and HR could talk to her. But if HR isn’t particularly effective or powerful, C’s only going to change if she knows this is impacting her relationship with shareholder. And shareholder needs to reiterate the issue with poor performance reviews on this factor. You have to complain so that the behavior stops – she has to be held accountable one way or the other.
Senior Attorney
Yes, this is a job for the big boss.
anon
In addition to going to your mentor, I would also send back all typos and errors to C to fix. Even if she ends up sending it back down to N or the file clerk, it at least forces her to take some ownership of the work product. Maybe she will start checking it before sending it to you, if she realizes that passing along poor work product will result in more work for her.
Anon for this
Taking a poll: what percentage of your retirement contributions go to the regular plan (401K/IRA) vs. the Roth (401K/IRA)?
Background is that I just listened to a recent HerMoney podcast and the discussion was about the benefits of contributing more to Roths now because tax rates will necessarily go up in the future. My current contribution to my work 401K plan is 11% goes to the regular 401K and 4% goes to the Roth 401K. This is enough to get the full employer match and to also hit the max amount of yearly contributions. I’ve always been under the impression that I want to contribute at least a bit to the Roth for diversification and protection if tax rates go up, but that most of it will go in the regular plan as our current earnings are higher now than they will be in retirement. I.e. HHI now is over $300K, in retirement, it will be maybe $100K at most to cover living expenses – not taking into account unusually high health expenses or anything else unusual. But now I’m thinking I should do 50-50 (8% and 7% or similar) to 401K-Roth, to ensure against rising tax rates?
Other retirement vehicles are an IRA and a Roth IRA from previous employer plans, which have roughly the same split as the 401K, and a mutual fund, which I believe would be taxed at the capital gains rate (will this go up too? I don’t know). Clearly these are good questions for a financial advisor, so if anyone has a recommendation for one in the Boston area, or anywhere else really if they do virtual, I’ll take it, but also want to know how you all are thinking about your contributions.
Thanks!
Anon for this
We split the difference TBH. With my job, I have a guaranteed pension that will be about 60% of the average of my 5 highest years’ salary. I put 1% into regular 401K to get piddly employer match and 7% in Roth 401K. My husband puts 8% in employer 401K to get 4% match. We have a couple of mutual fund investments outside of that. I figure the offset in tax rates will be covered because we will not have as many deductions in retirement (mortgage, kid, etc.)
Cornellian
I don’t have a crystal ball either, but when I was earning low-mid six figures I did Roth, and I maybe should have done traditional or a split then. In the last few years of lower income I’ve been doing 6K in to a backdoor Roth IRA (because I earn too much for a traditional) and 19.5K in to a traditional 457 (basically a 401K equivalent).
I think your age and planned retirement age also matter. I’m sort of confident that since I’m in my early 30s, taxes will have to go up sort of steeply at some point. If I were already 60 and 5 years from retiring., the calculus might be different.
Anonymous
When I had access to a Roth 401k, which was after years of having no such access, I put 100% into the Roth in order to create diversification. If I were still maxing contributions and had access to a Roth 401k, I would continue putting 100% in to guard against what I predict will be higher tax rates based on political, cultural, and economic trends I see. I posted about this here several years ago and was roundly told I was a complete idiot. I am curious if that is still the consensus.
Anonymous
We don’t put anything in Roth. Consider converting some funds to Roth during the early retirement years. Tax brackets may go up, but it is hard to imagine that the total tax liaiblity for $100k will exceed that for $300k+. We plan to retire in our early 50s. So we’re saving enough for 5 years of living expenses in a brokerage account and will begin converting regular 401k funds to Roth that first year since they need to sit for 5 years before they are accessible. We’ll convert enough to cover the rest of our needs until 59.5 when our regular 401k is accessible.
Anonymous
We are slightly less standard. However, our HHI is a gross of $350k. DH maxes out his 401k (19.5k) and gets a bit of a match.
I have my own business and have a self employed 401k which allows me to contribute $19.5k as an employee and up to 25% of gross earnings as an employer. I max it out, which can be anywhere from a total of $25k-$45k per year. As long as my gross income slows for it, we prioritize this vs IRA savings. We generally don’t have enough free cash to then go back and max our IRAs- anything above the 401ks we top off our kids’ 529s.
We have been saving hard (not necessarily maxing but always something) since age 22/23 and at ages 37 have 1.2M saved for retirement (between both of us), 400k if which is already taxed/roth so we don’t feel like we need to put every last penny into retirement.
I added the ages/amounts to put in context. Someone that went straight through to law school has 3 fewer years of compound interest so there may be more need to save more now.
MagicUnicorn
Because we hover on the cusp of the next tax bracket, I max out my regular 401k to drop our taxable income, then max out my Roth IRA.
Silly Valley
I listened to that episode too; very thought-provoking. The current tax brackets are scheduled to go back up in 2026 unless other legislation is passed to countermand that, but all kinds of changes will probably happen to taxes between now and then, so who knows. My current plan, at a much lower income level than you, is to do some Roth conversions every year between now and 2026, but not stress about it too much. After all, if I end up with “too much” income when retired, that’s a pretty high-class problem to have.
At your current income level it seems like your current choices are appropriate. You could do more Roth but I’m not sure it would save you any money in the long run. One option would be to continue as you are, and then at the end of the year figure out if you want to convert any of your traditional IRA into the Roth IRA. That way you can adjust based on your total yearly income and go up to the top of a tax bracket, say, instead of trying to predict what your income will be earlier in the year and maybe paying more taxes than you need to.
Anonymous
Anyone on this board start saving for retirement late? I came from no family wealth (emancipated young, paid for housing/ school with loans and working multiple jobs). I got a promotion before COVID to a job with a 2% match and am just at the point where I have six months frugal expenses in savings, plus doing the match. Here’s the issue – I’m 33, and not very money literate. I feel like everything I read is geared towards recent college grads, or people in their 50s for catch up contributions. Any good resources?
Anon
Broke Millenial (I’ve only read her books, but they’re great ‘how money works’ books – she also has a website), Her Money (the Podcast, esp. the Q+A episodes), So Money Podcast can be good as well. I also like going through the social media accounts of all of those podcasts because they all link to their various guests, and that’s a quick way to find a (legitmate) finance person who may be a good fit for your personality.
You have had a hard road and have made great progress! Most places will say your next step is to increase your retirement contributions – either by adding more to your work 401(k) or through a Roth IRA. You can do it!
Anonymous
You aren’t late! The internet will give you the impression you are, but you’re starting earlier than most!
Senior Attorney
Agreed. I didn’t start seriously saving until my late 30s and I’m on track to retire comfortably at 65. (Lucked into a government pension but didn’t start working for government until I was 40.)
Anon.
Agree! I didn’t start my first job in the US until 35 (I’m from abroad), and just throw what I can at retirement: 401(k), traditional IRA conversion to Roth (if that’s feasible for you), plus HSA invested that I don’t really tap into because I have a decent healthcare plan and can bear the deductible/copay from regular savings.
Curious
I’ve mentioned Frugalwoods before, and I think her financial snapshots might be awesome for you to see. She has definitely featured people in similar situations.
Anon
I didn’t start late, but I’m very far behind due to years of struggling with unemployment and underemployment. I’m stuck in a rural area caring for sick family, but I’m hoping remote work will help with that.
There are a lot of personal finance and FIRE subreddits, all with their own slant on the topic. Tons of wikis and resources on there.
anonymous
Assuming you have direct deposit, automatically put part of your paycheck into savings or a mutual fund account. I opened up an account with Vanguard. Once I get enough in my Vanguard account (I think it has to be 50k?) I’m going to use their personal advisor services to help manage the account.
Cornellian
You can absolutely do this! I would say the right order of operations is:
-small emergency fund
-pay off high interest debt
-fund retirement (401K usually) up to the match amount
-more fulsome 3-6 months emergency fund
-(some people would argue you should max your healthcare HSA here, but I think it is maybe a bit too much work if you’re just getting in to this)
-max out 401K
-max out IRA (you can open one in ten minutes with vanguard, fidelity or schwab, all good options)
-pay off medium-interest debt
-make taxable investments in an investment account (after you’ve put the 19.5K max in to 401K and 6K max in to IRA)
-pay off low interest debt
if you search online for vanguard investor questionnaire, you’ll get an easy questionnaire that will help you understand how much risk you are willing to take on in investing. Good luck and come back with questions! I love this stuff and it’s os important.
Anon
Point I’d like to make about HSAs, because I know they are very often pushed in personal finance discussions: as someone with multiple medical conditions that require maintenance medications and ongoing treatment, I found HSAs to be a very bad deal. The plans that offer HSAs end up costing me a fortune in copays, prescriptions, and astronomical deductibles. HSAs can be a great savings vehicle if you’re healthy, but in my case they are not worth it.
anon
Wow, I’ve never had an HSA plan that required co-pays. Usually that’s part of the tradeoff with an HSA plan. I can definitely see it being a bad deal if you had co-pays on top of the deductible.
LSC
Pro tip from a benefits professional: You should always look at the premium for a “better” PPO plan versus the out of pocket for a high deductible plan, taking any employer HSA contribution into account. While HSA deductibles can be high, many are cheaper than paying the higher premium for the “better” plan for the entire year. The math may work out depending on your out of pocket, but run the numbers just to be sure!
Anon
Agree about the HSA. Obviously this depends on the details of your plan, but already this year I would have spent at least 6k out of pocket if I’d had a HDHP. I’ve actually spent less than $100 ( just copays for office visits and some meds). Eventually I’d hit the out of pocket max on the HSA plan, but on my current plan I don’t come anywhere close because I just pay copays in network.
Anon
And to address the premium difference, for my employer, the difference is only about $100 per month between plans (for two people), so I do come out ahead on my current plan. That said, the deductible for the HDHP is a little lower than I thought it was, but the way it applies to two people on the same plan sort of screws you over if one person has much higher expenses than the other, and I get an expensive specialty drug that it’s hard to figure out coverage for, which makes comparing plans hard (I pay nothing on my current plan, but my insurance pays around 10k per year). Either way, with complicated health issues, I’m a lot more comfortable with a plan where the pricing is more predictable. I already have more tax advantaged savings than I can use (work for the state, with a proportionate salary, but 401a, 403b, and 457, plus Roth IRA eligibility).
Anonymous
Agreed. It is an amazing saving vehicle for me since my typical annual.medical expenses are less than $1000 (last year I think only about $250 at the dentist and $0 medical), which I just pay out and then deposit the max into my HSA. But it isn’t as useful if you are spending vs.saving the funds each year.
Anon
This. I am generally healthy, knock wood, so I have a high-deductible plan with a HSA. However, when I was TTC, I got on the gold-plated plan, which saved me approximately $8,000.
anon
I would switch the order of #1 (emergency fund) and #2 (pay off high interest debt). The purpose of an emergency fund is to prevent acquire high interest debt!
Anon
I’ve posted this here before, but I was in grad school for a long time and didn’t really start saving until I was your age because my salary was very low and I was living in a VHCOL area. 8 years later, my husband and I have a net worth over a million, and we still make less than $150k combined, so our salaries are good, but nowhere near as crazy high as many people here. I’ve found blogs like Frugalwoods and Mr. Money Moustache to be really helpful in learning about money and helpful for continuing to live frugally- not as cheaply as I did when I was a student, but still being mindful of what I really need, which allowed us to save a huge portion of our salaries once we started making more.
Cornellian
+1 to Mr. Money Mustache for general advice and pointing out how you may be able to live on less and retire way sooner than you think, especially the pre 2017 posts. He kept me from putting myself in BigLaw golden handcuffs, and instead I got to downshift to public service at 30% my former salary.
But not as helpful for investment structuring advice, I’d say.
No Face
I agree the MMM blog is great for developing a lifestyle concept that allows you to save tons of money. I never put on those golden handcuffs either.
Anon
I didn’t start saving for retirement until 31 (almost 32) and I think I’m in pretty good shape. I like the Bogleheads forum in addition to all the FIRE blogs.
nuqotw
You’re not late! You’re doing great – you have all the right habits! I would try to slowly increase your retirement contributions – 1% per year is a common recommendation. In general, set an annual savings goal and try to increase your savings a small amount each year until you reach the goal.
Anonymous
I am much older than you with almost nothing saved. I will inherit a bit and will do my best going forward, but since I don’t have kids or a husband, I have a lot of options if money runs out.
white pants
Do tell, if you can, what your options are?
I am single/no kids, and will retire alone. My savings is not what I would like it to be, as I have had to take care of parents alone with a lot of caregiving. I have already accepted that if my health does not keep up, I will likely wind up in a nursing home on Medicaid, which makes me quite sad.
Anonymous
There are many. Keep working instead of traveling and enjoying life (there is stellar health and longevity in my family). Become the live-in nanny for someone who posts here. Live in a commune in exchange for labor. Trap a man. Move into a tiny home or RV. Give myself over to the system and live on government assistance, whatever that life looks like. Live extremely frugally to uncomfortably with my sister, who will retire with nothing except whatever we inherit (including limited to no Social Security if I have assessed her situation correctly). Take one fabulous last trip and retire in the sea. Collect pills. Follow the instructions in the book on self-starvation my well-cared-for grandfather kept around just in case he decided he was done. Many options.
Anonymous
Help me plan a trip for this summer. I’m looking for a luxurious resort experience somewhere domestic. I don’t want anything too hot, low 90’s are about all I can handle. I’d take something by the beach or something with a just really nice pool. Ideally adults only. I just want to park myself in a lounge chair by the water and read a full book in a day while someone brings me yummy food and drinks all day long. Budget is 500 or 600 a night but I have some wiggle room to go up for the right place. Any ideas?
Anon
I can’t think of anything that is adults only in the US and many spendy resorts are oriented towards wealthy families (so hushed and not rowdy, if that’s why you want adults only). High Hampton (new) in NC, Grove Park / Grand Bohemian in the Asheville area, the Homestead, and the Greenbrier are all like this sort of thing (maybe skewing towards the golf crowd) with not-too-hot summer weather.
Anon
In that case, any lux resort will have a spa that has its own pool and is likely adults-only inside of the spa. Maybe you just need lots of day passes? IMO it will be too hot for you but I’d totally just day-pass it at Pinehurst’s spa (or any resort’s spa) and you can bypass kids / teens all day long.
Cat
A blogger I follow just did a roundup of luxe places on the east coast- beware they are booking fast due to demand for domestic travel this year.
http://summerwind41490.blogspot.com/2021/05/east-coast-long-weekend-travel-locations.html
Anonymous
Again, this is not purely adults only, but I’ve never seen kids at this resort in the seven times I’ve been…. Old Edwards Inn and Spa in Highlands, NC. Everything is incredibly luxurious, from the linens in the rooms to the glass of champagne you’re hand upon your arrival, the service is excellent, food and drink are delicious….( Hence why I have been 7 times.)
It’s in the mountains, so it will not get too hot.
AttiredAttorney
Old Edwards Inn is SO lovely. Their spa is my favorite one I have ever been to, anywhere. And the restaurant is absolutely phenomenal.
NYCer
I responded separately below, but this is a great suggestion too!! Absolutely gorgeous hotel and area.
NYCer
A few ideas:
– Surf and Sand Resort Laguna Beach (I started to recommend the Montage Laguna Beach, but it is likely more expensive than $600 a night during the summer)
– L’Auberge Del Mar
– Bacara Santa Barbara
– Montage Palmetto Bluff (could be too hot in summer though)
– The Broadmoor Colorado Springs (or another nice mountain resort in Aspen/Vail, Coeur d’Alene, Jackson Hole, etc)
I know lots of people on this board caution against going to California during the summer because of fires, but it is a risk I am willing to take. YMMV.
anonymous
Ritz Carlton in South Beach. It won’t be adults only, but they do have beachside service for food and drinks. The pool area is nice too. You can rent a beach bed with a canopy if you want to upgrade from a lounge chair. It’s been a while since I’ve been there, but I booked the hotel and airfare directly on their site and got a good package deal.
anonymous
Trying again b/c my comment is in mod. Ritz Carlton in South Beach.
Anonymous
Maybe a Napa Valley resort? I don’t think any are exclusive to adults, but the whole region is just more geared toward adults.
Anonymous
Bay Area resident here and I hate to say it, but I would not be looking in the Napa area for anything this summer. Last year’s wildfire season was BRUTAL and they’re saying it could be even worse this year due to our lack of rain and the hot dry winds that have been happening since January. If you can get refundable reservations, maybe go for it, but if you’re counting on this to be your dream relaxing vacation, you don’t want a chance of breathing in smoke all day, and you won’t be able to get all your money back if a fire crops up, I’d stick to the East Coast.
Anon
Also going to be hard to find a nice resort at that budget, most fancy places are closer to 1k a night
Anon
Go to Hawaii and rent a cabana by the day. I think you could swing it with your budget.
I always rent the cabana because I’m one of those people who burns just thinking about the sun, so I need guaranteed shade all day.
Anon
+1 – same here and I justify the extra cost as admission fees for my entertainment for the day
Bonnie Kate
I don’t have specific advice on locations, but one thing DH and I have found with trying to avoid all the kids – can your summer extend to the first part of September? I like taking vacations in September because kids are back in school. We’re doing Sedona in late September with the idea we shouldn’t have so many families traveling. This is probably way later than what you were thinking, but just an idea for the future.
Anonymous
Yes to this. I always try to travel in “shoulder season” for destinations (so for warm climates that people go to for spring break, around May; for summer destinations, early Fall) because families with kids generally don’t travel then and it cuts back on crowds without sacrificing good weather, usually.
Anonymous
Not sure about the price but I just happened upon this adults only resort in Saranac Lake in the Adirondacks – https://thepointresort.com/
It may be more sporty than you are interested in but the temperature at least should be relatively cool.
Blackberry Farm
Blackberry Farm and Blackberry Mountain are so dreamy and my favorite spot! Yes, I am the person that always posts about it. A bit above your budget, but the food is included and you are not allowed to tip (which balances out) and it’s absolutely glorious. It books up fast!
Anon
I can’t think of anything that is adults only in the US and many spendy resorts are oriented towards wealthy families (so hushed and not rowdy, if that’s why you want adults only). High Hampton (new) in NC, Grove Park / Grand Bohemian in the Asheville area, the Homestead, and the Greenbrier are all like this sort of thing (maybe skewing towards the golf crowd) with not-too-hot summer weather.
Apologies if this is a dup comment.
Anon
Any experience with rotator cuff surgery? I was hoping I had tendinitis that would resolve with rest and ibuprofen but it’s been 7 weeks and not getting better. Xray is normal and shows no arthritis – heading back to my orthopedist for a follow up. I assume an MRI would be needed to diagnose rotator cuff but that’s what the symptoms indicate – pain is especially bad at night, all night, every night. TIA
Anonymous
I would try a sports doctor and physical therapy. I was able to calm down a sore shoulder, strengthen the area, and have avoided surgery. I think orthos can be too quick to cut.
Diana Barry
+1, def try PT first. My PT took about a year to fully resolve, FWIW
rotator cuff
Seconding (thirding) this… I had what was diagnosed as a rotator tuff impingement after a fall, and it took a good six months to feel 100%. I did 8 weeks of physical therapy and then continued to do the exercises PT recommended on a semi regular basis.
No Problem
Counterpoint: my mom had a partial rotator cuff tear and her ortho was reluctant to do surgery at first (gave her many cortisone shots for the pain). Ultimately it fully tore and then he was willing to do the surgery.
But first step is to get the MRI and see what is actually wrong and whether there is any possibility of it healing on its own.
Anon
OP here – I am definitely open to PT as a “cure”, but remembering my husband getting PT and OT with wrist and hand tendinitis for 3 years while trying to avoid surgery, eventually gave in and that resolved the problem almost 100% with no recurrence in 20 years..
No Problem
Yeah, my mom really wishes she’d just had the surgery when it partially tore. She ended up spending a year in pain (minus when she had just had a cortisone shot) with limited use of her arm. Once she finally had the surgery and did the post-surgery PT, she was feeling tons better within about 2-3 months of the surgery.
Anon
It doesn’t always work, but it’s pretty silly not to give it a try before jumping straight to surgery.
Anon
I would also get a second opinion and PT. My issue was with my wrists, but “Active Release Technique” and Gestalt therapy from a physical therapist did way, way more than ibuprofen, rest, braces, and exercises. I’m glad now that I didn’t pursue carpal tunnel surgery.
Anon
I did get some useless PT before I found someone good through recommendations though; I really needed the hands-on work.
Anon
Have you tried PT yet? I’m surprised a doctor wouldn’t recommend you try that before going straight to surgery.
Anon
This dress is 100% a Rose Nyland from Golden Girls outfit.
Anonymous
I was thinking Delta Burke from Designing Women.
Senior Attorney
HAHAHA YES!
Anon
Just came here to say Suzanne Sugarbaker!
Anonymous
I thought the same thing!
Anon
I feel like I’ve been the salmon swimming upstream in the professional world since I have had kids. My clients are mostly men in finance. My competitors are mostly men. It has just hard to keep up with that 24/7 work crowd, but I’m managed by going niche. Sort of, until this year. I feel like I have taken about 20 steps backwards with COVID and schools being closed and feeling really, really out of the loop and out of touch with people. I am really worried that if clients go remote, while I could travel to see them in their city offices easily enough, I will never keep up the contacts if they are all out on Long Island or CT golfing together and I am having to try to meet up in suburbs I am totally unfamiliar with and only able to call on one person a day (or go to big industry conferences and hope that those start up again before too much time is lost). I am also realizing that in my company, my co-workers are also competitors of sorts, and that I am not even as sticky a contact as others are.
I just want to throw in the towel, but I am also the main financial support at home and haven’t done anything else since I started working. Having a nice lunch or dinner with people really did let me make my case well and trying to do any sort of zoom meeting is unwelcome by people if it is a nice-to-have and I am struggling to figure out how to keep the work plates spinning.
I get why people in college took gap years — so much of that experience was the human contact that occurs outside of the classes themselves and I feel like that is what helped some of us succeed (even if the work was done remotely, the human contact that initiated that certainly wasn’t). That little spark that ignites fires is going to be hard to recreate (for me at least).
Curious
No advice but f* the pandemic for doing this to you.
Anon
I am in sales and am really going to panic if the companies I call on continue to be remote / remote mostly. IDK how that will work other than my time on the road away from home will skyrocket. I have kids and trying to manage anything even if schools are predictable / open next year will be beyond challenging for me.
I’ve tried some topical / update zooms to keep in front of people, but it is not the same. We try to make them interactive (here is what LIBOR going away will mean for your IT people who have to program in things behind-the-scenes), but we hear crickets. I feel that we are all drowning slowly.
LaurenB
Happy Monday, need help with a unicorn outfit. Looking for a summer day dress for a graduation. The color I want is maroon / burgundy (not crimson red, not berry wine). I’m 5’4″ and range from 8 – 12 depending on cut, straight up and down build with little waist. To the knee or below fine, but I am too short for maxi length (trust me on this) nor do I look good in jumpsuits. Would spend up to $200, I think but obviously prefer less. Thanks!
anne-on
What about this? It’s well under budget – I’m also about 5’4 and I find the Red Fleece line a good length on me, it is almost always right about knee length or just a smidge under.
https://www.brooksbrothers.com/Ruffle-Trimmed-Ponte-Knit-Dress/SX00329,default,pd.html
Cat
Only a few left (sizes 8 &10) but I love this shift – https://www.nordstrom.com/s/lafayette-148-new-york-taren-wool-shift-dress/5612803?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashioncolor=Red&color=cabernet
LaurenB
Both excellent choices! Thank you!
Anonymous
Both excellent choices! Thank you!
Poshmark
I have found Poshmark to be excellent for dresses in specific shades (including finding only worn once graduation dresses for my alma mater). I search for my usual brands (so I am certain about sizing) and the particular shade!
MentalLoad
It’s not even 7 am and I am literally crying with frustration over the inequitable distribution of labor w my partner. I need to have a serious conversation with him, but in the meantime, any suggestions on how to turn this day around?
Anon
Heavy metal / rap + caffeine
Vicky Austin
Turn on a song that matches your mood and just lose it for a minute.
Anon
Take 5 minutes and do some breathing exercises.
Write down what you want to say to your partner later, as raw as you want it to be. Use a lot of curse words if that makes you feel better. You won’t say things this way when you have the actual conversation (most likely) but I know that in later conversations I sometimes mentally gloss over how hurt or outraged I felt in the moment; having the notes helps.
I agree with the rap/heavy metal suggestion; I take a drive or a walk and blast some Notorious B.I.G.
Do something nice for yourself this morning, as soon as you can. Go get some fresh flowers for your desk/home or a fancy latte from the expensive coffee place.
P.S. all of this works for me for bad days with coworkers/bosses as well.
Flats Only
Remove whatever tasks aren’t necessary to sustain life from your to-do list, at least for now. Obviously the baby and the dog need to be fed/changed/walked (or whatever tasks are equivalent to your situation), but the dishes in the sink, the laundry and the other cleaning don’t need to be done until later this afternoon, if at all today. Have a strong cup of coffee, do the essentials, have a nutritious lunch and 15 minutes in the sun if you can swing it, and allot 30 minutes later on to the other stuff. Get done what you can in that time, and postpone the rest. You will feel productive and accomplished.
Anon
A nice pastry and a fancy coffee and 20 or so minutes to sit and enjoy them
anon
I could use the hive’s advice on a friend situation. I have a dear friend, “Pam,” and we have been very close friends for the better part of a decade. We have seen each other through happy (and difficult) times and I feel very grateful to have her in my life. About three years ago, Pam became friends with a co-worker of mine, “Susan,” who is generally a pretty awful person (both to me and to others). Susan has, on multiple occasions, been rude, arrogant and dismissive to me and to other friends of mine at work. After Pam and Susan became friends, I began constantly hearing from Pam about how terrific Susan was, what a wonderful, smart person she was, etc. I obviously don’t agree, and that’s fine, but it’s now affecting my friendship with Pam, because I literally have to hear about how great Susan is in almost every conversation we have (when, quite frankly, I would rather never hear about her again). Susan is no longer my co-worker, thank goodness, to the extent that matters. I realize this is petty and small, but it’s affecting our friendship, and I really want it not to.
What should I do? Just suck it up and ignore? For the record, I usually acknowledge what Pam says (when she talks about Susan) and then try to change the subject…but she hasn’t gotten the hint. Appreciate any and all constructive advice.
Cb
Captain Awkward had some great scripts recently for a similar (but definitely more extreme) situation.
Anonymous
Pam is your super close friend and it’s been years and you’ve never said “ya know Susan hasn’t actually been all that nice to me! I’m so glad you’re friends but I’d rather not talk about her.”
Like, what?!?
anonnnn
+1 hints are for crossword puzzles. Use your words.
Anon
OP here – you’re right, my only reluctance is that I don’t want my friend to ask me a bunch of questions about why/how Susan has been rude, and then try to convince me I’m wrong (which is what I suspect she’d do). But then I guess the answer to that is just to say I don’t want to discuss it, firmly, and just move on? Basically I don’t want to come off as petty and small, since while I don’t like Susan (and have legitimate reasons not to), she’s not like a serial murderer or something.
Anon
I wonder if she’s talking about her because she can sense that you have reservations? Would it help to just name it? “Susan and I will never get along.”
No Face
I would think just the opposite – she probably thinks they have a mutual friend!
I would say, “Okay, it’s weird that I never brought this up before, but I was not a big fan of Susan as a co-worker and don’t really want to get updates about her.” If your friend asks follow up questions, “Oh she’s not a serial murderer or something, but not my cup of tea and I don’t want to dredge up stuff from years ago. *change subject*”
As an aside, this is a reverse of someone I know. Everyone who knows her professionally says “You know so and so?! She’s amaaaazing. I looooooove her.” Everyone who knows her personally thinks she is a monster. Some people act very differently to different people.
Cat
100% agree with No Face including suggested script.
anonnnn
+2 to the No Face script
Anon
Thank you No Face! Going to copy this script and use it the next time my friend brings her up!
Anonymous
I’ve been there. “Wait, why don’t you like her? I love her!!” and then you spend the whole time justifying why you don’t like her while also trying not to offend your friend. It sucks. OP, I’d probably stick with “Susan and I don’t mesh and at this point in my life, I really just want to hang out with people I really like and talk about things we both enjoy – like hiking! Want to hike this weekend?” or something like that.
Anon
“I’m glad that Susan is a great friend to you. She was tough as a co-worker.”
Senior Attorney
This is really good.
white pants
+1
I have also had friends exactly like this.
Bad co-workers. Great friends outside work. It is possible.
Anon
Don’t y’all just gossip about the people you know mutually? I sure do and that’s how it all comes out that Susan is terrible at work, but that person who will make dinner for your family when DH is in the hospital or whatever. Just gossip chat, she’s your good friend and I can’t imagine it becoming a debate about good Susan /bad Susan.
Anonymous
Mini-life hack I thought I’d share (now that I’ve freaking finally discovered it myself): each Sunday night, take 10 minutes to plan what you want to do the next weekend. This does a few things for me:
1. Beats that Sunday evening feeling that the weekend is over/there’s nothing to look forward to except Monday
2. Helps provide a sense of anticipation and enjoyment for something fun to come
3. You can make the plan when you’re rested (instead of when you’re beat after a long week of work) and it gives you enough time to book anything that needs to be booked early (like a dinner reservation or a babysitter)
4. Ensures that you won’t find yourself lounging on the couch all day on Saturday merely because you didn’t think of anything better to do in time to do it.
One of my life goals is to reduce the amount of time I spend “vegging” or “hanging out” in favor of more active experiences and adventures. I used to think planning isn’t spontaneous enough, but honestly, I’m not a spontaneous person and the lack of planning (“I don’t know, let’s just see what happens on Saturday”) was resulting in couch time, not last-minute adventures and time outside. This has already helped so much!
Cb
I tend to plan for the week on Friday, but think the Sunday planning for the next weekend is a great idea, especially if you want to book into brunch or a class or something. I also like Laura Vanderkam’s little adventure, big adventure weekly plan.
afd
Booking brunch the week ahead is key, I could get into more of the cool restaurants I need to.
Senior Attorney
Wow, great idea! Thanks!
Anon
I like this idea
Anon
Random camping question!
I am going this summer and will need to use a bear bag, not for bears, but for skunks and raccoons. I have learned to tie the right short of knot to throw up and over a tree branch and also how far away from a camp site it should be. But what sort of bag to you use for food and scentables and trash (trash would be in just a trash bag by itself, as would the others). But do I need to use something stronger than a contractor bag?
[I got the great REI sale catalog and will also ask people there, but they have long lines to get in with COVID when there isn’t a sale, so I’m not optimistic about getting inside a store unless I try to go at a really weird time.]
Anonymous
We used to use the stuff sacks from our sleeping bags, since they would not be in use overnight.
Anon for this
The reason we don’t do this and instead use a dedicated dry bag is because we don’t want the food scent to then transfer onto our sleeping bags. It’s also just super convenient to keep all the food in the dry bag.
I think the brand we use is ‘sea to summit’.
Anonymous
Dry bags (kayak / paddle bags) work well, if you’re backpacking. I always put my trash in the same dry bag as well (just in a separate ziploc baggie).
Anon
I’d use a bear cannister.
Anon
But see also:
https://www.rei.com/learn/expert-advice/bear-resistant-canisters.html
https://www.rei.com/learn/expert-advice/food-handling-storage.html
Cb
Book rec – If anyone needs a cathartic cry, Patricia Lockwood’s No One Is Talking About This fits the bill. TW for infant illness and death. My husband was playing a game on his phone while I was reading it and looked over to see me silently weeping while reading the last 20 pages. By the time I finished it, I was full on sobbing. Really sardonic and wry, but also so, so heartfelt in an unexpected way.
BB
I love Patricia Lockwood! Her way with words is amazing. The first part of that book is just straight hilarity and then it’s like whoa 180…but it somehow works?
Cb
Right? I started it and then thought “Oh, I’ll read it sitting outside at a cafe” and thank goodness I didn’t. I was embarrassed enough crying like that in front of my husband.
Anon
Wow, thanks for the heads up! I just got it from the library yesterday after a long waitlist. I do have a little kiddo and I realize I’m particularly sensitive to infant illness/death these days, so maybe I’ll give it another thought.
Anonymous
I’m really bored with my clothes right now and considering one of the clothing rental companies to mix it up. I was this close to starting with rent the runway when I saw a bunch of bad reviews on the app of people having trouble cancelling, which gave me pause. But if you use a rental company, which one and do you like it?
anomanomanom
I did rent the runway for awhile when I had a lot of things going on. I struggled with fit on a lot of things so there was lots of trading back and forth, but overall it worked in the short term. I didn’t have any issue canceling it when the time came, just be aware I think they require x amount of notice before the bill date.
Anonymous
Currently using RTR (wearing a shirt to work, actually) and … it’s frustrating. The fit of some things is so bad that I can’t wear them to work and don’t want to wear them outside work. In my previous shipment of 4 items, I only wore one of them, once. I’m using it as I gained covid weight and needed to return to the office.
Regarding canceling, it’s a PITA (you have to correspond by email, you have to immediately return all your rentals, even if you still have time left in your rental period). I’m canceling for next month because I’ve lost enough of the weight and transitioned to summer clothes that I fit into. As a stop-gap, it’s not bad, but I wasn’t particularly wowed by the service.
NY CPA
I used RTR but often found the work clothes too trendy for my traditional business-casual workplace and the fancy clothes too fancy for work. I also found the sizing to be small on average and so things often didnt fit.
I then switched to Gwynnie Bee, which I liked. Better serves plus-size customers. Clothes are lower quality than RTR–kind of hit or miss. They mostly have brands you have heard of and may have worn before so you can make a guess about the quality of the items that way. They are good for business casual, but not as much very fancy or very formal.
Anon
a female associate in DH’s firm (finance) in a different office quit due to the lack of work life balance and that it was impacting her relationship with her boyfriend (or at least that’s the message going around). if you were to leave a job due to lack of work life balance, would you really say that your job is impacting your relationship with your boyfriend?
Anon
This sounds like a leading question that you’re wanting a very anti-feminine answer for. What’s the answer you’re looking for?
In general, whether for work life balance or any other reason, your reason for leaving a firm is personal and irrelevant to former coworkers. Who cares if it was for balance with her bf (who may be her long term partner with no plans for marriage so your dismissiveness of the relationship is problematic in and of itself), wanting to travel more, go take care of family, or just an excuse to leave due to a hostile environment? It’s none of your business.
OP
i guess i meant more like i can’t imagine someone actually saying that it is because of her relationship with her boyfriend. i think it is reasonable to say that it is due to work-life balance, but it is strange to say that it is because of your boyfriend. I said to DH that I doubted she actually said those words, but that if his company is serious about increasing diversity, he should quickly put an end to this conversation and instead focus on what they can do to improve work-life balance and retain diverse talent
anonnnn
Is it though? Why are we reacting differently to boyfriend than if she had said kids? What’s important to a person is individual and we really need to stop shaming people for prioritizing what is important to them in their own lives. If I were you, I would unpack why I had this reaction to her (allegedly) saying her bf vs. her kids.
I do agree/appreciate your last two sentences though.
anonnnn
Obviously using kids here as an example, kids could be anything stereotypically held up by society as something worth caring about vs. work.
Anon
Why does it matter? If she said it was impacting her work-life balance with her kids, her husband, her aging parents, would that be acceptable to you?
ariana
I get why this is a sore subject, but I think the difference is kids are helpless little humans who you have committed to raise vs. leaving for a boyfriend/husband seems more like giving up your career for a man.
OP
DH was saying that it was bc her boyfriend does not like her working such long hours, which at least to me makes it sound like she doesn’t mind the long hours, but that her bf is dictating her life, which seems ridiculous. Regardless, i told DH that it doesn’t matter the reason, he should stop this rumor and work on the root of the problem. also- i don’t think it necessarily matters if it is aging parents or kids (though those or more helpless populations), but you also just don’t need to share so much
No Problem
Or it could be that while she “doesn’t mind” working the long hours, the boyfriend can see that it’s damaging her mentally (or physically) and also makes their relationship difficult. I have a friend whose former boss was just a total B to her and causing her tons of anxiety, and her husband said no one gets to treat you that way, you need to get out for your own health. Sometimes people need an outside voice to help them realize they’re in a toxic situation.
anonnnn
Agreed. We need to normalize all reasons for wanting a better work/life balance because it’s what is healthy. I don’t care if someone wants to spend more time with their parrot, if that’s what they want, that’s fine by me.
Anon
IDK but a complaint I heard about going back to the office was that a person would have to get dressed and do her hair and makeup. I get that, but that’s not how I’d frame it. I thought it made everyone feel right about their worst stereotypes of female workers. Our vanity impacts our productivity.
anon
Ha. I was only WFH for 6 weeks, but since returning to the office a year ago, I have stream-lined my morning routine and appearance. I have a small work wardrobe and rotate basically the same 3-4 dresses, 3-4 skirts or pairs of pants, 5 blazers, 10 tops, and 4 pairs of shoes. I don’t wear jewelry anymore. I don’t wear makeup to work. I blow dry my hair twice a week, but I don’t flat iron it anymore. I maintain my own eyebrows but no longer have them dyed every month. I haven’t gotten a manicure or pedicure, even post-vaccination–I trim my nails but don’t paint them. Basically, I do what my male colleagues do to be presentable for work. It has not impacted the way I interact with my colleagues at all.
anon
I refuse to change my style or appearance for the sake of boosting productivity. It’s sad to think that some people let their jobs dictate everything in their lives.
Anon
I don’t think so, but I kind of doubt she said so either.
If she said that the work/life balance is so poor that it’s damaging her relationships and that she wants to have a life outside of work, etc., it’s probably being twisted to make her sound bad.
No Face
Ding ding ding! The worst firm I ever worked for twisted people’s reasons for leaving this way, especially if the person leaving was a woman. The real reason is that it was a terrible place to work. I work more now, but have a better life balance than at that firm!
Anon
I agree. I worked for a company that demoted a woman a promoted a man to be the department manager because she wanted more work life balance. The big boss kept patting himself on the back at how well he was supporting a working mom.
Only problem was she never asked for it!
Anon
I know plenty of guys who ruined a first marriage by working all the time and making their spouse work nonstop at home with no relief or involvement with their often very small kids and pets. I’m all for jobs that don’t take our human nature to have relationships away or treat it as some Lifetime TV freakshow that isn’t normal. But this just seems to trivialize something important. Like spending more time with a cat. If you can’t have any relationship with a sentient being because your job is that extra, aint nothing wrong with seeking a different job.
Anon
This.
A good friend of mine, who was also a coworker in my department last year, left her job right before the pandemic to stay home with her baby because our boss at the time refused to consider any kind of flexible schedule or routine work-at-home schedule for her (that was so, so funny about six weeks later, when we all started working from home) and my friend knew without guaranteed flexibility she would run herself ragged trying to work and take care of her baby. The narrative that got passed around (by our female boss!) was “(Name) has decided to stay home with her baby, you know she was not really very happy here anyway and had been looking for a reason to quit, some people just aren’t that serious about their careers, and so the baby was a good excuse for her to leave.” Not true in the least. My friend liked her job, she had a master’s in the subject matter we worked with, and took her career seriously. She just did not want to set herself up to fail by working for a demanding, inflexible boss. So OP, be careful of believing narratives that are presented by the company instead of by the person who’s leaving.
Vicky Austin
Did your boss leave and become my boss? Because ugh.
Anon
Don’t think so; she’s still there, but I left. The story she circulated about me was that I was disappointed with my performance review and bonus (false; I got a high rating and the bonus I expected, and was perfectly satisfied with it) and left because I thought the grass was greener elsewhere, but I’ll apparently “see soon enough how good (I) had it.” I laughed hard when one of my former coworkers told me this story.
Vicky Austin
Oh I see. Well, glad you’re onto better things!
Anonymous
I’m sure this is right. She probably said “I want to be able to spend time with my loved ones without being on call all the time” and it got warped into “she just wants to spend time with her boyfriend instead of working.”
anonshmanon
I can just hear someone tacking on ‘boooyfrieeeend’ as if to say if you aren’t wearing a ring, you have no justifiable reason to prioritize your relationship.
anon
+1 I find that many firms are really good at coming up with any explanation to justify why someone left. It’s a sign of a toxic culture when the response from management about why someone is leaving is immediately placed on the person and no reflection is done about what about the firm culture may have led the person to leave. Doubly bad if the explanation involves speaking negatively about the departed person like in this case. And triply bad when the explanations are more negative for women or people of color. I suspect here if a white man quit because he wanted a better work life balance it would be explained away that he was going to pursue some cool hobby or something (he’s training for a triatholon or him and his best friend are starting a brewery or some other nonsense) that (1) still didn’t address culture issues at the firm and (2) didn’t put the man down.
Cc
Of course she didn’t say this. This is right out of the finance bro playbook. It’s a way to trivialize and demean the woman, and also set it up as their reasoning for why they don’t have many women in their ranks.
OP
that’s exactly what i said to him. that he should shut this down and pivot the conversation to how to create an environment that is more conducive to retaining talented women
Anonymous
And yet that is not how you framed your initial question here at all
Anon
When I quit a job, I was shocked at how people ran what I said (politely put that it was a harassing environment) through their own filters. My boss literally threatened violence against me and my family and what people took out of why I was leaving was that I disliked having to work for 10 hours on a vacation day and wanted more balance. It’s like people’s brains fritzed out when I described the threats, screaming, and terror, but glommed onto something ‘normal” of “work life balance.”
Anonymous
Why would you assume office gossip a man is telling you is correct?
Anonymous
Not super analogous because there is sexism at play in your scenario, but I’m reminded of an acquaintance who asked his manager for a month off (partially with pay) to do a once-in-a-lifetime rafting trip that is very hard to get permits for. He had worked at the company in a managerial/supervisory role for 6 years. The boss declined the request on principle because it was “a long time” (not because it would actually cause severe problems to workflow) and my acquaintance quit so he wouldn’t miss the trip. I can only imagine what they said about him behind his back – “can you believe he quit so he could take a long vacation???” In reality, there are a lot of bad workplaces out there that offer no flexibility or understanding, either for special vacations or routine life, and people are going to quit so they can live their lives.
Anon
His manager might have said that, but I bet his coworkers agreed with his decision making.
Anonymous
This is a standard thing that’s said in finance and biglaw about women — oh she quit for her boyfriend, her husband, or her kids. Kids gets some “understanding” because of course a woman is put on this earth to raise kids. Boyfriends/husband gets side eye. It’s just an excuse to hire fewer women going forward or keep them from moving up because you know they’ll all up and leave for a man or baby anyway, they’re not as committed as any guy. Of course a guy can up and quit because he’s starting an organic dog food company or decided his hobby of making juice can be a business because he can sell to supermarkets or start an online business selling fancy bandages (3 guys in my biglaw class did all of these things) and it’s OMG he’s such a risk taker and visionary. Or a guy can quit because he’s moving closer to his parent or his wife’s parents or back to his family farm and getting a local job or move across the country because the gf he’s dated long distance is saying they’ll only know if it’ll work out if he moves and she refuses to, and it’s OMG he’s SUCH a stand up family man. It’s just a way to make women living their lives seem like a bad thing but men living their lives — OMG that’s so great, they’re stepping out of the box, let’s congratulate them!?
Anonymous
THIS. This is totally how it was in biglaw — disparage the women but congratulate (or at worst say nothing) about the men. A guy in my class left when we were fairly senior (6-7th year) because he was in NYC, had been dumped many times, and there was some girl in Cali. So off he went with all the male partners lamenting about how they viewed him as a future partner blah blah. 1-2 years later it doesn’t work out with said girl, he comes crawling back TO THE SAME firm, where they create a super senior position for him despite the fact that they were pushing out senior associates, not making partner — because come on, he’s SUCH a stand up guy. Similarly guy I went to law school with leaves his NYC firm because his live in girlfriend was having a panic attack about living life in NYC so it came down to, either we leave this area or I leave you. Both of these are perfectly fine but I get annoyed thinking about what is said when women make these same decisions that are 100% ok for men.
anon
Omg, I can’t even imagine my life with the freedom to openly make career choices because my husband’s mental health was harmed by living in NYC, where 8 million other people make it. (I mean, I did make a career choice because my husband did not do well in NYC, but I’ve never said that out loud to anyone.)
Anon
+1. Source: work in finance.
Anon
You’ve used the word boyfriend approximately 75 times so far so it really seems like your problem is this woman is prioritizing a relationship that is not (yet, maybe) a marriage.
Anon
Yeah, and how in the world can she develop her relationship if she’s working to much to even spend time with this person? There’s no way she can win.
Anon
To sum up a decades-long story about garbage family members and their baggage: my deadbeat perpetually-unemployed alcoholic brother-in-law is soon to become homeless thanks to his own laziness, and my husband is insisting that we have to allow him to move into our home. I have put my foot down, but according to my brainwashed husband “you do anything for a brother”. DH being a family scapegoat and doormat is a lifelong problem.
My question is, what are my options if he moves BIL in against my wishes? Is he technically trespassing if only one of us is willing to let him in?
I will divorce him over this if I have to, but I don’t want to “abandon” my home. (Though, to be honest, I don’t think I will want the house back, if that constantly-unshowered drunk has been living in it.)
anonymous
I would tell your husband you’ll divorce him if he moves BIL into the house. If you’re serious about it, meet with a lawyer to discuss your options.
anon
+1 laws around this will vary by state but you should definitely meet with a lawyer to protect yourself and your rights if you’re worried your husband will let BIL into the home
anne-on
This. Consult a divorce attorney if necessary. There is also something called ‘discernment therapy’ – it is short term therapy geared towards helping you make a stay or go decision. If your husband is THIS enmeshed with his family I’d seriously consider divorce because even if the BIL does not move in it sounds like you’ll still have to hear about his issues/be blamed for not ‘letting’ your husband help.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, you need to know your legal rights before you make any moves. I’m sorry this is happening but I think you’re right.
Also anecdotally I moved out of a house I had owned pre-marriage and loved, and never did get it back in the divorce. And you know what? It was still totally worth it.
Anon
Yeah, IDK how this works where you are both on the title / on the lease to your home. If you are in NYC, never let him move in or he could become your tenant that you would find hard to evict. I’m not sure how real estate attorneys would really know how this works in a family situation, either, but I feel that the tie should go to the person wanting to exclude, rather than the person wanting to include. Not sure what the law is in your area though. NYC and other cities have some weird rules.
Anon
Good grief, your husband is wrong.
1. He needs to go to Al-Anon. They have meetings for family. Letting his drunk BIL move in is enabling.
2. Marital counseling, stat. Your marriage comes first, not his brother.
3. Talk to a divorce attorney and learn your options. Depending on your state, your BIL might have rights to remain in the house if he moves in, or if you keep the house, you may have the right to unceremoniously kick him to the curb.
Anonymous
No, he wouldn’t be trespassing if he has permission from one of two owners.
Anon
What if it is this:
DH is at work. W is at home. BIL comes over. W kicks him out. BIL says “DH said I could be here.” But DH is not there and W is saying no and is there?
People can say all sorts of things. And if DH tells BIL on the phone “you can stay,” how open-ended is that? For ever? For 2 weeks? When does it end ?!
pugsnbourbon
He won’t leave until he drinks himself to death. I’ve seen it happen. OP I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
anon
I think our instincts here are the same: once BIL moves in he’ll never leave. I’d talk to your husband about the sacrifices he’s asking you to make, and what limits he’s willing to set. Husband has probably not seriously thought about the possibility that BIL will never leave, and what that will mean for you and the rest of your family. I also doubt it’s in BIL best interest to move in with you. With his back to the wall he might get off his butt.
Can you talk about other options for your BIL? Would you be willing to pay for his phone? Maybe even the security deposit on an apartment? Without knowing the details of his situation it’s hard to make concrete suggestions. I think you’re looking for options with a clear limit (pay for security deposit, not rent).
Anon
My rule is, if it involves your jointly-owned house, both partners have to agree. I got a inheritance and wanted to make major changes to our property including a pool. I didn’t need my spouse to commit any money of his own, but I would not/could not have done it without his agreement.
Monday
Unfortunately the OP is past this point, and asking about her legal options. She says she already “put her foot down” and is considering divorce, but her husband insists the brother is moving in anyway.
No input, but I’m so sorry, OP.
Flats Only
Agree with the above. Lawyer up NOW, so you know your rights with regard to marital property, potential tenant, etc. AND don’t be afraid to call the police/sheriff if your BIL shows up with the intention to stay. This is a domestic dispute and they can help, especially if the law says your husband cannot let him stay without your consent, which you’ll know after you meet with a lawyer.
Anon
I’m so sorry. Consult a divorce lawyer now.
Anon
I am so sorry. I have daily anxiety that my sister-in-law will try to pull something like this. She is the kind of person to walk in and put her feet up. I hope you pull out all the stops. Perhaps you will burn the bridge with your husband, but maybe now is not the time to be gentle by couching how you feel. Hopefully you can put a stop to this before it becomes a deal breaker and ruins your relationship. I hope your husband is smart and strong enough to protect your marriage above all else. He is ultimately not being kind to anyone by enabling his brother. I am thinking of you. Keep us updated!
BeenThatGuy
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. If he wants to help his brother, why isn’t he trying to get him into rehab? Seems like a better solution then letting him come to your home and drink himself to death. I agree with everyone to consult an attorney so you know your rights but also try to ask your husband what his plan is. If it’s to help his brother, then he should do something to actually help him.
no
suggestions for articles or books on American work ethic/style versus other countries? E.g., vacation policies, general life style differences?
Anon
IDK if it is a work ethic, but we used to get things for expats / other office which said things like “13th month salary” and mandatory vacation etc if applicable to other offices. There may be cheap freebies on Big4 websites but it is totally by country and may only apply to employees who are citizens of and resident in those countries (or benefits can vary a lot esp in countries with a lot of guest workers).
Anon
For a technical, legal perspective: employment law section of
https://www.dlapiperintelligence.com/goingglobal/
Anon
The DLAPiper link is great. Does anyone know of a similar source detailing employment law across the US? Considering requesting remote work from another state . . . .
Cordless Vacuum
Does anyone have a good recommendation for a good cordless vacuum? I need one for my small lower floor (about 400 sq ft) that has a hard floor + low pile carpet to avoid lugging up my huge Shark three flights of stairs. My budget is around the $300 and below range.
Anonymous
Whatever Dyson you can afford in that price range; often they have deals on refurbished models. We have an old v6 that we literally found abandoned on the street and it can do our 1300 sq ft apartment. I will upgrade if it dies but it is fine for our needs.
Anon
If the battery goes, you can get a replacement at any Battery Warehouse type place. It’s only about $50 and takes <5 minutes to replace (2 little screws hold it in). So…. even if the battery goes, you won't need to upgrade unless you want to.
Anonymous
Yes, we did and it works so much better! It used to only be able to handle one floor of our duplex; now it can do both.
Ribena
I have a small Shark and I love it – just replaced a GTech AirRam which I killed with hair.
Anon
I bought the shark cordless pet pro based on a recommendation here and love it. We use it all the time. The only con I have is that the battery life is only good for about half of our downstairs area at a time, so around 700 square feet before I have to let it recharge.
anon
I got a refurbished dyson directly from dyson and it was under $300. Works perfectly.
Anonymous
I’m not sure I want to know the answer to this but here goes. I had some personal stationery made up about a year ago. It’s simple and has my name in a pretty color and my name and address on the back. I thought it was a good “hack” as I never have a card handy otherwise. I’m realizing now that I most often use it to write a thank you card or include with a gift. Is this being rude in any way that matters? Do I need a specific “thank you” card? Or birthday/housewarming: engagement card?
Cat
I mean this to emphasize how little I think you should worry about this – my reaction to this question was “w – t – f how is this something that would even occur to someone as a faux pas?!”
Anonymous
Yes this.
Anonymous
+1000. Do not spend one more second thinking about this.
Senior Attorney
Back in the day, it was considered déclassé to use pre-printed “thank you” cards in lieu of personalized stationery. So there’s that.
Anon
This. That’s the whole point of personalized stationery if you want to get formal about jt.
anonnnn
I honestly couldn’t figure out what the question was until I read it 5 times. This is something you absolutely do not need to worry about!
Anonymous
For thank-you notes, personalized stationery is actually fancier/more “proper” than a card printed with “Thank You.”
Senior Attorney
Ha! Jinx!
Anon-other
Not at all; this sounds perfect! I’ve been thinking of simplifying that way myself.
Anon
I think this is actually good etiquette, and you’re fine? I was taught that personal notes on personal stationery was a bit more formal/polite than specific cards (which were perceived as more of a short cut to “using your own words”, though also fine).
Op
Haha. Well if this little hack can be seen as “proper” or fancy then I’ll carry on! Thanks everyone!
Anon
I’m always in favor of being more fancy and you’ve encouraged me to use my own initial-embossed note cards more often!
Anon
It is not rude. It is old school “correct”. Carry on.
anon
As others have said, this is totally correct. Traditionally, the one time you *didn’t* use personalized stationery was when sending condolence messages, FWIW. I always keep some non-monogrammed cards/notes on hand for that.
Anon
Fellow Virginians, who are you voting for in the primary for governor and why? I haven’t paid any attention at all and now I’m finding myself feeling clueless. I also didn’t live here when Terry McAuliffe was governor.
anon a mouse
We have a house booked through VRBO for this weekend and the owner just sent me an invoice for the rest of the payment, but did not request through VRBO as I’m used to. Has anyone encountered this before? I’m happy to pay it but it feels strange to just call them up and hand over my credit card number without a record of it?
Cat
I would write back and say please invoice through VRBO.
Sunflower
I’ve rented more than 25 houses through VRBO and I’ve never had this happen. Something seems off to me.
pugsnbourbon
I’ve heard of some owners doing this to bypass the VRBO fees, but they should have asked you about that first. Definitely request that they go through VRBO.
Anon
Proceed with caution. I’m pretty sure you lose any protection from VRBO if you pay outside the system.
anne-on
They’re doing it to avoid the VRBO fees. I’ve had owners ask me to pay them directly but offer a discount if I do so, I tend to decline as I prefer the VRBO protections.
Cat
I need help with end-of-day willpower or alternatives. I maintained my weight evenly throughout this entire ridiculous year but over the last 2 months have been giving in to snacking, c-cktails, and more meals out as a “reward” as things have been reopening and the weather improving. The effect has been a sudden 10 pounds that I really don’t need or want on my frame.
Recommendations for low-cal options that still feel like a treat? Patio sitting with a glass of water just isn’t the same, and yet I know I need to reverse this ASAP.
Anonymous
Pellegrino with lime.
Lilau
Spindrift is making lemonade flavors; I’m getting them at target. (Or rather my husband is getting them there.) They’re great. I also love kombucha but the calories are not nothing.
anne-on
I really love mixing half diet tonic water with half sparkling water with about an ounce of juice or a shrub mixed in and lime. If you’re looking for fun shrubs I’ve tried and liked the Vermont ViIllage brand and the Som brand (Som is on amazon too I think?).
No Face
I buy flavored sparkling water by the case at Costco for this very reason. I drink it in wine glasses, champagne flutes, etc. If I have fruit I will throw some fruit in the glass too.
Anon
I love decaf iced green tea. For my fancy cocktail, seltzer with vodka and citrus, so the alcohol is pretty much all the calories. For extra fancy, frozen red grapes in a parfait glass. A few olives (instead of cheese and crackers. Smaller wine glass filled to the same level as the larger glass it replaced. Taking evening walks so that I have fewer cocktail hours. Super summer salads for dinner. Lots of baby steps. You know how to do this—you just need to have a few good days consecutively and you will be back on track.
Anon
Prosecco is very low cal!
For deserts, I love Annie’s ice cream sandwiches (110 calories)
Cat
Thanks guys – I love that prosecco is low-cal haha, but will try to get back into a non-alcoholic routine. Using diet tonic *not* with gin is probably a good start :)
Anone
Grapes, berries or mandarin oranges are a nice light way to finish a meal. I also love sparkling water.
Anonymous
Has anyone been to Pittsburgh? Is it a good place for a 2 day getaway? I tend to like small cities, good architecture, places where you can grab a coffee and safely walk around looking at the architecture, stopping in small shops or grabbing some good local food. I just recently realized that the city has trams etc. where you can go up to the top of a hill etc. and see city views; that seems like my kind of thing. What do you think? Also any recommendations on where to stay if you’re looking for a safe area luxury hotel. Is it more of a walking city or a driving city where you’d pick you activities and drive place to place? The downside with these small cities sometimes is really empty downtowns where it feels unsafe to walk, there are aggressive homeless folks on the street so I’m not sure where Pittsburgh falls.
Anon
You’re about an hour away from Fallingwater, and Pitt’s Cathedral of Learning is one of my favorite academic buildings so an emphatic YES on architecture. Go to a Pirates game, drink Iron City beer. Eat ALL the peirogies. There are definitely fancy areas of Pittsburgh, but I haven’t really spent any time in them. It’s a fun place!
Anon
Yes! I was there for a conference but had a great time taking the tram, grabbing food, and shopping. I’ve been wanting to go back for fun ever since, though I think a few days is probably about right. I personally stayed in a nice residential neighborhood and took public transit (including aforementioned tram) everywhere I went, though I also didn’t stray far from the places I needed to be, so I don’t know what I missed.
Anonymous
I’ve been to Pittsburgh for a wedding and I really liked it. I didn’t eat dinner out on our own so I can’t comment on restaurants (but we did get the famous Primanti Bros. for lunch). But we did walk around a lot and felt safe. It was the weekend of a big art fair and there were all kinds of people around. We also went to the Carnegie Museum, which was very cool.
Cat
In a random coincidence, the blogger I mentioned above actually is from & lives in Pitt. She is constantly posting local recommendations. Summer Wind is the blog name. (No I’m not Sydney, I just like her lol. She’s very nice to her followers and provides size info in a way that does not feel like humblebragging.)
highlander
I went to high school with her dad!
Anon
Definitely a Pirates game, even if you’re not into baseball. The stadium has the prettiest views.
Downtown might be kind of quiet. I would recommend the Shady Side neighborhood for coffee, shopping, restaurants etc. Maybe try to stay at the Ace hotel?
Anonymous
I tried to book at the Ace hotel last week and it seems to be closed.
Anon
I had friends that used to live in Pittsburgh so I’m not personally an expert, but visited them a few times and had a lot of fun, so I think it’s actually a great place for a weekend getaway and there’s tons of cool architecture and museums (I especially liked the history museum and Frick House) and good food. I’m a little fuzzy on the details now, so hopefully someone else can chip in or you can look these things up online for more info. I think it’s a place you would want to have a car, but there are plenty of areas that are very walkable (and driving seemed very confusing, so Uber might be a better idea than renting a car, depending on where you’re staying). It’s been probably 10 years since I was there, but I think the downtown itself was on the empty side, though I don’t remember it feeling unsafe (I took the bus there from the airport a few times). I did like walking around the Strip District (don’t miss Primanti Brothers!), the area around the inclines, Shadyside, and Squirrel Hill. It’s also not too far from Fallingwater if you have a little more time for a day trip from the city.
Anonymous
Driving is very, very confusing, both getting into the city and getting around it once you’re there.
Cat
omg my family has a running joke about being trapped in Pittsburgh that has persisted for 20+ years — we went in circles for half an hour trying to figure out how to get out of town.
Anon
If it weren’t for the weather (more winter than I am used to) and the geography (not near my people), I’d really want to move there. It’s like Chicago the way people truly love their city and their teams (and even if they are not sportsball people, they get caught up in the local spirit of the place). I went there for a wedding and it was fantastic and welcoming.
Anon
Yes! Went there for a conference a few years ago and thought it was a really great city. There’s a museum where you can see most of the sets from Mr. Rogers, which I thought was very cool. I also rented a car to go to Falling Water, which was worth it for me as a FLW fan (at least of his architecture).
Anon
Oh also, the Andy Warhol Museum was good, but it is A LOT of pop art. Which, obviously, but 5 floors was a little much imo. I did like seeing his very early work, which I had not seen before.
Anon
I actually met Mr. Rogers at my Pittsburgh conference (public tv group)! Also a Pittsburgh fan.
Anonymous
Definitely. The Mattress Factory is a very very cool museum, although not sure what they are doing during COVID. A dear friend also owns a restaurant there – Butterjoint. I’ve only dined at a previous incarnation, Legume bistro, but it was very good.
Carrots
Hi – former Pittsburgher here!
Architecture in that city is great, especially around the University of Pittsburgh and the neighborhood it’s in (Oakland). It’s a very neighborhood based city – lots of little neighborhoods with different vibes in each one. The view from Mt. Washington (where the trams take you up to) are some of the best and (if they’ve reopended from Covid), some great restaurants a few blocks back from it.
Noting that I haven’t lived there during the pandemic, so I can’t speak to what the downtown area is like right now, but during the weekday, the downtown was pretty busy and during the weekend day it’s pretty open. At night, it shuts down, mostly because the downtown area is mostly offices.
I don’t have any recommendations for hotels since I lived there, but it is definitely a driving city. You can walk around the neighborhoods, but the public transportation between the neighborhoods isn’t great and there isn’t a central metro system like there is in New York/DC/etc.
Anon
I love Pittsburgh! You’ve gotten some great suggestions already, but the Warhol Museum is my personal fave. I usually stay at the Omni William Penn or the Kimpton Hotel Monaco. They’re both downtown and a short walk or Uber to lots of good restaurants.
Anonymous
Any tips on how to channel this anger in a healthy way? I’m burning mad right now, but I have to get my work done. I’m a scientist and divorced mom, and just watched yet another woman scientist have to leave her career in a higher position than mine. Of course, the most insufferable male colleague of mine slipped right into that open position. We’re all drowning with no child care, kids doing virtual school while we work remotely. It would be hard enough to keep up with the workload if I didn’t have to be lunch lady and virtual school coach and mom during the workday too. My kid is too young to get a COVID-19 vaccine yet, so made the decision with my ex to stick with virtual school. I’m not in a financial position to hire a nanny. This summer will be a recap of the drowning from last year, but I learned from my mistakes and I’ll keep my head up better.
Anonymous
How many days a week is your ex taking the kid?
Anonymous
You can’t do this. What would your childcare plan be in a normal summer? Sign kid up for camp. Now.
Anon
Ditto. You need childcare or you’ll end up completely drowning. Camp/sitter/helpful neighbor parent who can take your kid on a regular schedule to play with their kid for nominal fee?
Last summer was different, but I think this summer is viewed by many as a return to normal (with masks/etc.) so failing to line up childcare could be a big problem
Anonymous
Agreed. It sounds like you dont want to do camp because your child is not old enough to be vaccinated, but we are at a phase with the pandemic where you can find affordable and safe childcare during the summer. Many teens are vaccinated and if you dont need driving, you could probably get a 15 year old to entertain her in your home while you work for cheaper than a traditional nanny. Even half-time would enormously help.
Seventh Sister
I’ve been doing with some college kids I know from church – I do pay them the going babysitting rate, but they usually come for a couple of hours a couple times a week.
Anon
OP, and anyone else who needs childcare this summer, please consider this option – hiring a teen to help you out over the summer. Despite there being a shortage of service workers in our area, my son’s 15 and 16-year-old friends can’t get hired for service jobs (the restaurants all want people who aren’t subject to youth labor restrictions and will be able to keep working the same ridiculous split-shift schedules once school starts). Many of them have not been able to earn money at all during the pandemic due to people canceling babysitting, not needing pet sitting because they’re not traveling, not wanting people to come to their house even if it’s just to cut the grass, etc. These are good responsible kids, many of whom have babysitting and CPR certificates, and they are desperate to get out of their own houses because they’ve been trapped in them for the past year. For the 16-year-olds, college is looming and they’ve been able to save very little money toward expenses. Even if you could just use some help running errands or taking the kids to the park in the afternoon a couple of times a week, consider hiring a teen. I know from reading past conversations here many of us got our start in the working world between ages 14 and 16 – kids that age currently have been in a place of stagnation due to the pandemic and many kids I know are very anxious to do any kind of paid work they can get.
Anonymous
Yeah, I would sign up for camp if at all possible. You need some relief ASAP! I know there were really limited options during the school year that were reasonably affordable (at least in our area), but camp prices seem more normal to me this year, and if you can find one that is mostly outside it seems fairly safe, especially as infection rates are plummeting. Honestly at this point I might be willing to go into debt for camp. My son is finally able to be in school 5 days a week and it is life changing, even with limited afterschool care still. Hang in there!
Seventh Sister
I got nothing. I’m currently stewing over the possibility that our school district is going to try and figure out some way to keep Zoom school (at least in part) next year because the administration loves it so much. I really, really, really, want my kids to have five full days of in-person instruction next year, with aftercare. I *want* to support public schools and be a public school parent, and I don’t actually think my kids need the best of everything. But going along with the perpetual school closures really make me feel like I’m depriving my kids of an appropriate education.
anon
Not a parent so forgive my dumb question, but why do they like it so much? It seems like it would be so much extra work?
Seventh Sister
It’s more work for the teachers, I’m sure, as well as the principals. But the district administrators and school board members in my district have practically broken their arms patting themselves on the back for keeping everyone so safe and being so culturally sensitive by “protecting intergenerational families” through online school.
Seventh Sister
Before March 2020, I was generally pleased with my school district and the way it was run by the superintendent and board. Over the past 14 months, I’ve completely lost faith that the superintendent (and their bevy of assistant superintendents) have any interests other than having meetings and marking time. (I guess they do like sending out tweets and one-sided surveys, that takes up some bandwidth.) The school board members, especially the very very vocal ones, are just there to polish their super-lefty credentials so they can run for other positions within our city’s party machine. Instead of doing practical things like organizing outdoor classrooms or hammering out union agreements for in-person learning, it’s apparently time to abolish accelerated math classes!
Emma
Great post
Thanks for sharing