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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 297 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: ‘Fily’ V-Neck Wool Blend Cardigan

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

V-Neck Knit Cardigan: Boss 'Fily' V-Neck Wool Blend Cardigan Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Oooooh — these aren't exactly my colors, but I can still get behind this gorgeous wool-blend cardigan from Boss. I love that ribbed lower panel, the fitted shape, and even that it comes in a twinset, a trend that I have a sneaking suspicion might come back sometime soon. (I've seen a TON of higher-end designers doing them again.) Boss ‘Fily' V-Neck Wool Blend Cardigan Two lower-priced alternatives are here and here; here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-5)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Trauma

    Can anyone in the DC area recommend a good trauma counselor (downtown or Silver Spring/Bethesda preferred). My husband was the victim of a violent crime, and I think he needs some assistance coping. My goal is to find a few options, hopefully both male and female, to vet and give to him. I looked on the Psychology Today database, but the sheer number is overwhelming. Thanks in advance.

    • Anonymous

      No recommendations for a counselor, but a suggestion to ask the counselors whether they do EMDR. It’s a pretty widely used-and extremely effective- trauma therapy technique.

      It sounded ridiculous when I heard it, but it genuinely helped me with processing my trauma.

      (Also, I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this. Don’t be surprised if triggers come up in weird and unexpected places. Much love to you.)

  2. Older and getting better

    Love this sweater and the ribbing. I still love twinsets.

  3. Question about Emergency Funds

    I read posts about financial planning here all the time and have found them so useful! Now that I’m in a position to start an emergency fund, I have kind of an embarrassingly basic question about them — how/where do you keep your emergency fund? A checking account? A savings account? Inside your mattress, like Birdman? I’ve always been a bit paranoid about how unsecure checking accounts seem. If I’m going to store emergency money for an extended period of time, is there a safer way to store it that still allows me immediate access to the money? Thanks in advance!

    • KT

      I actually have two savings accounts; one for my emergency fund that I don’t touch unless my home explodes, and a smaller savings account that I use for those things you can count on to pop up (car maintenance, new tires, Christmas gifts, etc).

      I get a slightly higher interest rate than if they just sat in checking, I can get to them quickly if needed, but they’re separate from my day-to-day spending.

      • PNW

        Same here.

        In a previous life (pre-recession), I had about half in rolling CD’s.

        I also do keep some emergency cash at home.

    • Cb

      Not US based but I keep my emergency fund in a high (I mean, not really but higher than normal) interest savings account. The banker thinks we’re crazy to be sitting on a year’s worth of expenses but while my husband’s job is super stable (university, in a union), I don’t have a permanent contract. And if we have a baby or if we have to move cities in a hurry, it gives us that flexibility.

      • KT

        You, madam, are my hero. I have six months and it took forever to get that. A year is the main goal, so I salute you!

        • Cb

          I was incredibly lucky – a culmination of some good choices, some good opportunities, and no major life emergencies. I spent two years on a small but generous stipend + worked a job where housing was included so piled away cash. I then moved in with my (now) husband and we saved my salary and lived off of his (within £200 or so + I make the big purchases/pay for holidays).

          Our risks are pretty minimised – a mortgage we can afford on one salary, public transport (so no expensive problems), a newish flat with lower utilities and less risk of needing major work, socialized medicine, cat insurance – so we could probably pay down my student loan / be a bit more adventurous with investing but I’m a big fan of the safety net.

          • KT

            Hey, that’s awesome. Saving that much requires a lot of commitment, no matter how lucky your circumstances are. Some people make 6 and 7 figures and still have nothing in the bank.

          • lawsuited

            Wow, I have to say I can’t fathom making 7 figures and still having nothing in the bank! I am obviously setting my lifestyle goals way too low!

          • KT

            It’s shockingly common. There was a really interesting article in WSJ about how many people making 900,000+ are living paycheck to paycheck because of how much their lifestyles inflates (mansions, boats, 100K cars, etc) and that one real financial emergency–like a major medical bill or a layoff–would leave them destitute bc they had no savings

          • Anonymous

            Just because there was a newspaper article about some people in this situation does not mean it is “shockingly common.” I’m not saying there is NOBODY who makes a boatload of money who has no savings, but I worked in Big Law for years and everybody I knew had significant savings. Maybe not the savings I would have with their paycheck and years of work, but I didn’t know anyone making six figures who was actually living to paycheck. All of my well-paid friends put almost all their earnings into savings and building home equity.

          • KT

            This article did have statistics attached to it, so it’s not just me spouting nonsense–I’ll look for the actual article, but it was in line with 30-40% of high earners did not have savings, or if they did, they had way more credit card debt than savings would have been able to cover

          • KT

            And a different study but similar theme–the Atlantic article cited a Federal Reserve Board study that showed that 47% of respondents–regardless of income–could not come up with $400 in an emergency. That’s pretty staggering.

          • Senior Attorney

            When I worked in family law I saw a lot of high earners with no savings. It was quite common to have a doctor, for example, making seven figures and living paycheck to paycheck with no retirement savings.

          • b

            Cb, you’re also my hero. I have an acquaintance who was victim of a downsize and was able to spend 6+ months frugally traveling the small towns of Italy, Morocco and Greece. I have this insane urge to do the same, but I don’t think I would feel comfortable doing so until I have 12 months put away to pay my condo mortgage and other necessaries. I’ve began to live a lot more frugally (less bars and eating out, not buying junk I don’t need, far fewer clothing purchases, never going out for lunch, making my own cold press, having a garden, being more selective with my entertainment/concert/theatre choices), and while things are growing nicely, I am still far from 6 months. Though it’ll be a while, having that life experience is a major goal.

            I keep very little extra in my checking account, mainly because I don’t want to have to wait to get my money back if my debit card gets stolen. The number was stolen two years ago, and it took me about 4 weeks to get back the $100 that was charged. Reports showed that the thief tried to charge $3,000 on the card but got declined since I don’t keep that much in my checking. I keep a primary savings account for the money I know I’ll need to spend – money for an upcoming trip, or that I can use on new car tires, etc. I keep what I deliberately do no want to touch for my emergency fund in a separate savings account. I also keep about $1,000 cash on hand at home. Finally, I keep a $50 bill well-hidden in my car, as I’ve left my wallet at home, or my cards/cash in a clutch from the night before, more than once….

    • anon

      For immediate use, we keep some cash in the house and have a few small balance accounts hooked to our main checking account. We’ve got a separate savings account with an online bank for transfers that are needed within 24 hrs. Another chunk is invested in some stocks so it’s liquid in that we can access, but it takes a bit longer to get the money.

      • Anonymous

        We keep some cash (=$500) in the house.

        A few hundred in just 5s and 10s. Helps to think of this as the babysitter and pizza delivery fund.

        The rest in 20s in a few spots.

        Our area gets storms to the point where ATMs don’t work or have run out of $. This way I can get out and pay for a night or two in a hotel room if we have lost power, all food has spoiled, etc. Probably should go up to $1000.

        • nutella

          I love this thought – this is an emergency fund tailored to the types of emergencies you might encounter!

        • lost academic

          Also many debit cards have daily withdrawal limits. Which, if you’re trying to bail a friend out of jail in the middle of the night, is a problem.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yes, I do this too. I have $100 in $1’s for when The Big One (earthquake) hits, as well as several hundred in 5’s, 10’s, and bigger bills.

    • Anonymous

      We keep $50K in a high-interest rate (1.5%) checking account. I looked briefly into savings accounts and it seemed like it would be hard to top that interest rate without putting the money into a CD or something where there are penalties for withdrawal. This is at least a year of living expenses (no kids and very LCOL area) but that’s what we’re comfortable with.

    • Spirograph

      My emergency fund is currently just a separate account at our main bank, since it’s in kind of a sad state and is really just a “pot of money for major one-time expenses” at this point. I think that makes it a little TOO easy to get to the money (we can just do an online transfer to our checking account with about 3 clicks), and I wouldn’t recommend it. Try a search for high-yield savings accounts; there are a lot of banks without brick-and-mortar locations that offer a bit better rates than your average local bank. Many limit the number of withdrawals you can make per month, and it’s otherwise a little inconvenient to get to your savings, which is good if you’re really setting it aside for emergencies only.

      Back when I was single and flush with cash (ha!), I had a checking account, high-yield savings account with a few months’ expenses, and then a CD ladder where one would mature every 3 months. I figured that the savings account could get me through most temporary problems, and if I fell on really hard times I would be cutting my expenses enough that each CD would mature around the time I needed access to the money. Luckily, I never found out whether that would have been successful, and dismantled the setup when I combined finances with my husband. 1 year CDs have only slightly better rates than high yield savings accounts, so it’s probably not worth losing the liquidity until you have a bigger chunk of money to put away, but something to keep in mind for the future as you reach your savings goals!

    • Anon

      We have savings (about 2 years of income; this includes our “emergency fund” as well as general no retirements savings) in a combination of stock, mutual funds and money market accounts. We also have $5k sitting in the Savings part of our BOA checking account for anything we’d immediately need cash or check to pay for. About $50k of the savings is available/accessible within 24 hours. We don’t have so much in stock that we would have to do a sell off to pay for expenses; about 1.5 years expenses in stock/investment and the other .5 in money market (1%)

    • Sydney Bristow

      Mine is in a Capital One 360 online savings account. I think it’s around 1% interest. I keep it there because the interest is slightly higher than my regular bank and it takes ~3 days to get the money, which prevents me from using it for things that aren’t true emergencies.

      My thought process is that 3 days isn’t a super long time but the time barrier helps. If an emergency comes up and I need the money faster, I can put it on a credit card and pay the card once the money hits my checking account. If you don’t have access to credit (or don’t trust yourself with it) then I’d probably keep some amount (maybe $1000) in cash in a fireproof safe at home and the rest in a savings account.

      If you’re in the US, I wouldn’t worry about the security. Your account is FDIC insured. Just keep an eye on your account and if you happen to see weird activity, report it right away. I’ve had my credit/debit card numbers stolen before, which is a pain, but the bank has always made it right.

      • Question about Emergency Funds

        Thanks for this! I am in the US, but I always thought for some reason that it would be a huge pain to actually get them to come through with FDIC insurance. This makes me feel a lot better!

        • Sydney Bristow

          Technically I’m not sure if it was FDIC insurance that made it right. All I know is the bank reversed the charges on my credit cards and refunded the money to my checking account when my debit card number was stolen.

          • cbackson

            It doesn’t have anything to do with FDIC insurance – it’s a combination of the requirements of Regulation E and the payment card networks’ rules regarding handling of fraudulent charges.

            FDIC insurance is what protects you if your bank fails (and typically, the FDIC insurance is never actually tapped – banks at risk of failure are sold in sales brokered by the FDIC and the transition from one bank to another is handled after business hours on a weekend so the customer does not experience an interruption in access to funds).

          • anonshmanon

            these are two different scenarios. I believe the FDIC kicks in when your bank goes belly up. Then your savings account is insured up to a certain amount, I think 250.000$. Many countries have a similar requirement for their banks, but not all.
            The other security issue is for people stealing bank information (mostly from hacking online payment systems). If you keep your savings in a separate account from your checking account, you can minimize this risk by never providing this bank account info to anyone.

        • Anonymous

          I’ve had my debit card number stolen, as have a few of my friends. The banks always fixed it within 2-4 days with no problems

    • emeralds

      So great that you’re able to get working on this! Prioritizing an emergency fund is the best financial choice that I have ever made, even though mine is wayyyy smaller than some of the ones listed above. I had some big emergency expenses this year, so my accounts are a little beat up at this point, but I’ll include numbers since I always appreciate seeing non-Biglaw budgets. I also rent and have no children, so while I’m putting a lot of effort into rebuilding my savings after a financially challenging August 2015-August 2016, it’s not as pressing for me as it could be.

      I have my emergency fund money sitting in a few different places.
      1) I try to keep between $2,000-$3,000 in a savings account at the same bank where my checking account is. This includes both true, lost-my-job-and-I-need-to-pay-rent emergency fund money, and money to cover predictable yearly expenses like my dog’s vaccines, car insurance, etc. It does barely better than my checking account for interest, but it makes me feel more comfortable to have it accessible almost instantaneously. Currently this account is at the low end of my target range.
      2) The balance of my emergency fund money is in a higher-interest online savings account with Discover Bank. It’s linked to my checking but takes 24 hours to clear. I usually throw money for predictable-but-not-mandatory expenses like vacations in this account. I try to have between $2k-$4k in here.
      3) I have ~$11k in a Vanguard mutual fund that’s earmarked for a down payment on a house, but if push came to shove it would be emergency money.

      • Question about Emergency Funds

        I’ve also been considering Vanguard mutual funds and index funds. Forgive my ignorance, but how long would it take to access these if you needed to?

        • emeralds

          When I opened the account, I think it took like three days for the money to get to Vanguard from my bank. Haven’t moved anything the other direction, though.

    • A

      I have my emergency fund (which works out to 6 ish month of fixed expenses) split 4 ways into:
      1.) Brick and mortar bank with locations all over my city — atm accessible
      2.) Online/brick and mortar bank with only one location in my city — would have to go into bank to get access to, or do online transfer
      3.) Investment account with money in bonds, with my financial advisor — would require a call & online transfer of a few days
      4.) “high” yield internet only bank — requires 3 days to transfer

      – all but #3 FDIC insured, and #3 is in very stable investments. I like “diversifying” the location of the emergency funds as I think it helps to avoid draining them all quickly.

    • Chris

      My emergency fund is set aside in a 60% bonds/ 40% stocks portfolio. Why? Because I can’t imagine an emergency when I need immediate access to cash and can’t float it in my credit card for the 3 days it takes to liquidate the funds. And, I hate having money set aside for some unlikely emergency that isn’t earning much. If the emergency is something like losing my job, I’m not going to need to access the entire 6 months worth right away anyway. I think of it more as retirement money, that I can access if I ever need to.

      • Anonattorney

        This. We also have a $100k line of credit on our home that has no balance, so we put our emergency fund (I think it’s around $60k right now) in the market in a conservative portfolio. If there was some true emergency, we’d just use our HELOC to pay that day, and then liquidate our funds in our account.

        We also have a savings account at our bank that we like to keep at around $10k. We use that for larger faux-emergency purchases – vacations, car fixes, etc.

  4. KT

    I am late to the game, but I am plus size and usually dress very simply because nice plus size clothes are so hard to find.

    I stumbled across Eloquii, and while their styles are more trendy and FASHION than I’m used too, I gave a few of their tops a try.

    So glad I did! The fit really well, and the quality is much better than I expected. I’ve gotten so many compliments on everything I’ve worn so far.

    Farewell, credit card.

    • lawsuited

      Eloquii is the worst because it’s the best. It’s refreshing to have edgy, fashionable (and often really beautiful) plus size options rather than the sacks that are the usual offerings elsewhere.

      • KT

        And there’s almost never tie-dyed, swirled tribal designs, bedazzled nonsense and sharkbites hems. It’s miraculous.

        • Anonymous

          HA – haven’t heard the term sharkbite hems – but I imagine it is something like handkerchief hems crossed with Wilma Flintstones dress.

          • lawsuited

            It’s like an askew handkerchief hem – instead of a triangle protrusion covering your cr*tch there are 2 triangle protrusions covering your hips. It’s not amazing.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Glad you found it!

      I heard that Stitch Fix is beta testing a plus size option. After several friends had great luck with their service, I’m hoping they can figure it out for plus sizes.

    • 2 Cents

      Glad you had a good experience! I might give them another shot, but the one time I ordered, one dress was (ridiculously) tight based on sizing and another wasn’t great. I also don’t like paying for return shipping.

      • NY CPA

        Agreed. I think I’ve kept maybe 1-2 things from them ever (besides basic t-shirts/tanks — which I love by the way) because everything is too tight based on the sizing guidelines.

        • ChiLaw

          I had bad experiences with their sizing too. Not cut for my figure, I think — too tight in the bust. And I hate paying return shipping too.

          (Not trying to harsh someone’s mellow, but I always appreciate hearing pros and cons of shops like that, because I hate feeling like the only person in the world who can’t wear Lands End or whatever.)

    • Never too many shoes...

      Some of their sizing is a bit weird, for sure. But they have some great stuff. I generally prefer skirts and thought narrow ankle pants would look terribly on me but their Kady pants are so great and so flattering.

  5. Charlie Rhoades

    I put on all my makeup except mascara and then use a setting powder. Then I curl my eyelashes and put on my mascara. But my eyelash curler sometimes takes off my eyeliner (drugstore pencil – Neutrogena, I think). Is there anything I can do?

    • anon

      Eyelid primer helps the pencil stay on. And curl your lashes before applying the eyeliner.

      • Anonymous

        Eyelid primer helps the pencil stay on. And curl your lashes before applying the eyeliner.

        • nutella

          Sure there is, better eyeliner or primer. My lashes are too long for me to line after curling, because it would look like a mess, so I have to line first, too. Look for a liner that has better staying power (like a liquid one) or use a primer (Urban Decay is the best and the tube will last you forever.)

          • WestCoast Lawyer

            I love Urban Decay but was bummed when they switched from the tube to wand applicator. I’ve been trying bare minerals, which is fair. Any other recommendations?

          • Easily Excitable

            +1 for Milani. At CVS and better working on my oily lids than Urban Decay.

        • curious

          The NARS eye primer is awesome. More pricey, but worth it. A slightly less pricey alternative is the Urban Decay primer potion. Both can be purchased from Sephora or places like Nordstroms.

        • lawsuited

          I have oily eyelids, and the one that works best for me is a MAC paint pot in a colour similar to my skin tone. If you have dryer eyelids, more traditional eye primers like Too Faced Shadow Insurance or Smashbox 24 Hour Shadow Primer may work for you. I find the Urban Decay Primer Potion and Nars Eyeshadow Base very disappointing for oily and dry eyelids.

          • Anon

            Me too — with Urban Decay my eyeliner is all over the place within a couple of hours. I’ll give the MAC paint pot a try!

  6. pockets

    Does anyone have any reviews on Kit and Ace? I know it’s started by the guy who founded Lululemon, and I can appreciate that he is not everyone’s favorite person, but I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in sizing and quality. Thanks!

  7. ISO A Bag!

    I’m a freelance writer/editor/social media manager and I need a functional and fashionable bag as I continue to snag bigger clients. The bag must be able to carry my MacBookPro and I’d prefer leather. I don’t want it to look like a laptop bag, tho!

      • Simplify

        These bags look sharp but I never use mine because it’s so heavy. I can’t imagine actually carrying a laptop in one.

      • anne-on

        Ditto. The Charlie is gorgeous. It is a heavier bag but my work laptop is ginormous so the fact that the bag fits it is enough of a benefit for me to deal with it (and it encourages me to pare down the other things I carry).

        • Anonymous

          Ugh, I want a Charlie so badly, but have enough bags for the moment. I just like that everything fits and has a place! Though my work laptop barely fits in my 13″and I wish I had gotten the 15″.

    • Goatsgoatsgoats

      Kate Spade makes great bags that are big enough to hold laptops, but don’t look like laptop bags, per se. They have an online sample sale every few months if you’re patient, just sign up to get their emails. I will say though that the quality of the sample sale items isn’t what it used to be — the quality of the leather isn’t nearly as good, but you get what you pay for, and the design/name is still there.

    • Calico

      Cuyana! Their leather totes are so simple and stylish. I work in your field and always feel well matched with other creative professionals. I use mine with an organizer insert meant for diaper bags. Works like a charm.

  8. SIL

    I’ve been thinking of posting here about my future SIL’s disdain and coldness toward me. She’s been dismissive and passive aggressive since I got engaged to her brother, and it’s something I’m really struggling with. We live a few blocks away and see her every week. She is pregnant, and I’ve been doing my best to just blame her behavior on that. But she clearly does not like me.

    Last night she was admitted to the hospital having contractions. She’s at 33 weeks. Apparent a UTI can cause preterm labor? Fiancé and I immediately ran to babysit our 2yo niece. It sounds like everything should be okay, but it’s really scary for everyone.

    Obviously this has nothing to do with me. But, how can I support my partner while giving her the space from me that I assume she needs? Last night he asked me to come with him – he needed the emotional support. He struggles with anxiety and is extraordinarily close to his sister. I feel like my role here is to support him as much as possible so that he can support his sister. How do I navigate this?

    • Anonymous

      Stop. Stop assuming she hates you. Stop assuming she needs space from you. What? She is in the hospital, she’s not worried about you. Go visit her with her brother. Offer to leave them alone if she wants to visit just the two of them to go get coffee/whatever else she wants.

      You’ve been ignoring this for a while right? Keep doing that for now.

      • MomAnon4This

        +1.
        As a new mom here. And I get where your coming from — my in-laws never talk to me. But it’s not about you. It’s just the way they are. Think of them as a weird tribal system that you, as an anthropologist are studying. Stay on the outside, don’t judge. Focus on your husband when there’s these interactions. IN a few months, you can see if anything changes. It might, it might now. Don’t worry about it. Take notes for your memoir “I Survived My Weird In-Laws”. I’ll buy it.

    • Anonymous

      This is a pretty common experience. I’ve two serious long-term relationships and both men had one (younger) sister. The first one absolutely hated me and didn’t hide it (although she was 16 when we met so this behavior is perhaps a little more justified), and the second one (my DH’s sister) is civil but has never been warm to me. From my friends who have dated guys with sisters, particularly one younger sister, that experience is pretty typical. I don’t think there’s really anything you can do, other than be pleasant to her and hope she warms up. It’s your DH’s sister, so do want he wants – if he wants you to come to the hospital to emotionally support him, go. If he’d rather you stay home to keep the peace, stay home. It’s one thing if the sister is being over-the-top cruel to you or starting screaming fights, but her being “dismissive and passive-aggressive” is best ignored, imo.

    • Clementine

      Okay, this is totally not normally the advice I would give in like 9/10 life situations, but in this one I would do the following:

      Make food for SIL and family
      Provide backup childcare as much as absolutely possible
      Help with housework, pet sitting, etc.
      Listen to spouse

      Just ignore her comments as best you can and be the bigger person. I guarantee she is not in a headspace to be at her best. Although, just in case this happens, 33 weeks is actually pretty good for a preterm baby. It’s not full term, but believe it or not that’s like a 4 pound kiddo who will really just need to sorta grow and be monitored. (Yes, I realize how crazy this sounds, but just in case the kid is born early, it’s still a happy occasion!)

    • pockets

      I had terrible relationships with my SILs until we all had kids. Now we’re not necessarily friends, but we get along OK and we even willingly hang out with each other (with the kids of course) without our husbands as buffer. My advice is to have kids ASAP. If you live that close to each other your kids will be best friends and then she’ll have to be nice (or at least civil) to you because you’re the mom of her kids’ best friends.

      • Anonymous

        I snickered a little at this, and obviously you shouldn’t have kids before you’re ready just to make your SIL like you, but kids really are a great equalizer and being able to commiserate over your shared parenting adventures would likely solve a lot of your problems.

        I agree with Clementine. I’m 33 weeks pregnant and also have a 2 year old, and if I weren’t already good friends with you, I wouldn’t start now (or at any point in the last 30 weeks) because I just don’t have the energy or patience to build a new relationship. But I would remember your kindness when I’m in a more rational frame of mind. I’m unsure how long you’ve known the SIL, but these things really take time. If you don’t have a natural rapport or things in common other than the fiance/brother, and if she’s naturally a private person, and slow to warm up to people, it’s unreasonable to expect her to suddenly be your BFF. Is it possible you were just hoping for a close relationship with her, and your disappointment is making you read “disdain and coldness” where it’s really “I’m still getting to know my brother’s fiancee”?

    • Anonymous

      You are assuming she wants space, but she hasn’t asked for it. Your SO has specifically asked for your presence. Go with the thing that has been verbalized. If she actually doesn’t want you there, she can speak up to say it.

      I mean, you can still be sensitive to how much you are in her presence, while still being there for your SO. If he wants to visit at there house, maybe offer to play with the 2yo or clean up the kitchen or go to the grocery store or something.

    • Anon

      Aw, I love my brother’s girlfriend and really want them to marry. I think she’s a little crazy for dating my brother (who is….a colorful adventure…but I love him) but that’s in her :-). I love my sisters husband too, except that he encourages my husband’s expensive hobbies :-)

      • cbackson

        My SIL was my favorite member of my ex-husband’s family and I totally miss her. And we definitely hung out on our own.

        • cbackson

          Oh! And my own SIL has become one of my best friends (so close that I literally forgot about it while typing the comment above because I sometimes forget she is my SIL and not just my friend).

    • Anonymous

      Be the bigger person. You are marrying this guy and she will forever be in your life. Support your fiance as he requests and support her as you would a member of your own family (one that you like). Does she deserve this? Probably not. But you deserve to continue being a gracious and kind person.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yep, this.

        Also, pregnant or not, some people are just not especially socially competent. What you are interpreting as disdain and dislike may just be her being not the best at human interactions in general. One of my Rules for Life is “assume good intentions” so I’d encourage you do that.

    • anon

      Go visit with your husband. Do not try to avoid what you think you should be doing because you think she doesn’t like you. Because it could just be that you haven’t figured out her personality yet.

      For some reason my BIL thinks I hate him. And I totally do not hate him. I think that I just morphed into family mode too quickly around him. I don’t feel like I have to pretend around him and I think that a few interactions where I’ve been too quiet or whatever made him think that I don’t like him. Ever since I heard that he thought I didn’t like him I’ve tried harder. But yeah, you could definitely be getting a vibe that she is not intending to send out.

    • anon

      I think you can come along – and this is coming from someone who is 38 weeks pregnant and doesn’t like her sister in law much at all. We have nothing in common and she gets on my nerves. And she’s scared of me and shows it – I think she’s scared of me from when she was 18 and I was 21 and she met me for the first time, but whatever.

      Anyhow, I’ve gotten used to seeing them as a package deal – and that’s what you guys will become. Am I suddenly going to be bffs with my SIL? Absolutely not. Is it totally fine and something I can deal with for her to be hanging around a lot? Yeah, she’s part of the family so I don’t really have a leg to stand on otherwise!

  9. Anon

    Help me phrase my discussion with my “friend”. I’m the one who posted a while ago about my friend (I’d been friends with her for that I lent $3,000 to pay for her bills. Then, she stole an additional $1,000 from me without asking or even telling me after the fact. Before she stole the money, every time she called it was just to ask for more money, and looking back I really feel used. I haven’t talked to her in over 4 months since this all happened. She texted me yesterday asking me to call her when I get a chance.

    I don’t even know what to say to her. I kind of just want to text her and say, look, you stole money from me without asking, after I had already lent you a lot of money. And the only time you have called me recently is when you need money. I feel totally used and don’t want to be friends with someone like that.

    • Anonymous

      Try your own words:

      “You took money from me without asking, after I had already lent you a lot of money. And the only time you have called me recently is when you need money. I feel totally used and don’t want to be friends with someone like that. Please don’t call or text me.”

      This isn’t cruel. It’s honest and true.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, a text like that is totally justified. I’d add “don’t contact me again”

    • Anon

      Is there any chance that she’s trying to repay you/otherwise make it right?

    • Anonymous

      I’d call her, listen, and depending what she says either thank her for her apology, but tell her I’m not interested in being friends, or tell her she can’t have more money and I don’t want to be friends, or forgive her because I do want to be friends.

      You could also text her but that obviously going to create some big texting drama and I’d rather just have a conversation.

    • Anon

      Did you ever get your money back? Any chmace she’s calling to apologize?

      Assume no to both but figured it’s worth asking…

      • Anon

        Never got the money back, just hadn’t heard from her since then. There is a chance that she’s calling to apologize, but also a chance she’s calling to ask for more money. Maybe I’ll call her back to see what she’s calling about and then use the script if she’s not trying to figure out how to repay me and apologize. Thanks everyone!

        • Anon

          Yeah I think you either get your $ and an apology or you get hit up again and at that point end the friendship. “You have to be kidding, right?”

    • CountC

      If you feel you must respond, I would text what was already presented above. If it were me, I would likely ignore her.

    • anon

      I adopted a 2 yr old dog about 8 months ago. He was a little reactive and not trained, but housebroken and otherwise a very good boy. in may he peed on my bed twice. I got the enzymatic urine remover and treated it, but yesterday he peed on my bed again. I’m always home when this happens (I woke up from a nap in the same spot about an hour earlier) and he had been walked recently. He doesn’t otherwise do his business in the house, and I really don’t know what the issue is. He seemed to have adjusted quite well. How do I get him to stop peeing on my bed?!

      • Mariah

        Not sure what to tell you about how to make it stop, but my family’s old dog would pee on our beds if he felt like he wasn’t getting enough attention.
        He was kind of an a**hole. I love him and miss him terribly….but he was a real jerk of a dog.
        Is he maybe bored? Or lonely?

      • anon

        This happened when my roommates’ male dog had a UTI. Perhaps worth looking into.

  10. Simplify

    I really want to simplify my wardrobe but find myself getting tempted with pretty things and sales. I went on an extended trip and realized how few clothes I actually needed. Plus I feel overwhelmed with all the choices in my closet. But the Nordstrom sale is about to open and I feel weak.

    Any tricks to keeping with a minimal wardrobe goal when lovely things are offered at great price? Help me stay strong!

    • CountC

      Unsubscribe from all emails, take a break from this blog, don’t go to any other fashion websites, and just don’t go to the Nordstrom website. You have to force yourself not to do it. I want ALL THE THINGS, but it’s not in my budget so I don’t even look at emails or look at the sale sites.

    • Anonny

      Maybe keep a list/inventory of what you have and what you need. And allow yourself a couple of ‘why not its on sale and good quality’ items that you dont necessarily need.

      Im striving for a more minimalist wardrobe myself so I started looking for inspiration on more minimalist fashion blogs like lesantimodernes, the epitome of simplicite, and the spicy stiletto. Then I created a list of things I already had, needed, and wanted. You obviously dont have to do all this but it was fun for me and really helped me curb my spending. So when the fourth of july sales came around i only bought a couple of items i needed instead of going overboard on sales sales sales.

    • Anonymous

      I’m a bit of a clothes horse with a spending problem and something that has worked really well for me is deciding on my wardrobe colour scheme and sticking to it. This is a tip I learned from here, actually.

      For me, my base neutral (ie work pants, suits) is black, and then I add cream, olive green, and grey. So all my clothes fit into this colour scheme and I can mix and match everything. Even if I think a pink sweater or a navy bag are super cute, I don’t buy them because they don’t fit with everything else. Everything in my closet gets worn and there’s less waste.

      I do have some dresses that are different colours, but because a dress is an outfit unto itself I don’t really count them as part of my colour scheme.

      • Simplify

        Love this suggestion. I figured out my color scheme: black, white/cream, and blue. I really want to have a cohesive wardrobe.

    • Cb

      I keep a pinterest board with ‘Things I like – YEAR’ and add things as I see them and like them. It helps me refine my style (printed dresses with sleeves, stripes, etc) and serves a ‘shopping’ function. If I need something, I start here first.

    • Anne Elliott

      I ask myself:

      1. Do I need it? Usually, no.
      2. Would I rather have this dress or go to the Maldives? Usually, the latter.

      And that has stopped me.

    • Anonymous

      This might not be the advice you’re looking for, but I’ve been on a mission to downsize and upgrade. For example, I have 3 black shift dresses that were probably under $75 ea. I want to get rid of those dresses and buy one nicer dress that won’t pill or show its age like the other 3 are starting to. So I have a rule – anything I buy has to be higher quality than what I currently have and it has to replace at least 2 items in my closet.

      You can do the same with items that aren’t duplicates, too. Look for things that you always pair with the same outfits. Do you wear the same tops and shoes with both the navy and the dark purple skirt? Yes? Then get rid of one.

      • Simplify

        Yes, this is part of my motivation. I want to have a fewer & better quality items.

        Love the rule that a new purchase has to replace at least two items.

    • lawsuited

      This is why I do my Christmas shopping all year – I pick up lovely things and amazing deals I see as gifts for others who will enjoy them.

    • anon

      Not sure if your goal is borne out of a desire to save money or just reduce stuff, but I have a little post it with a drawing of golden handcuffs (gold sharpie, natch) on the bottom of my computer screen. You could put a tiny reminder of another goal (Paris, house, a tiny stick figure drawing of yourself being crushed by a pile of clothes). There’s always going to be pretty stuff for sale-sometimes all it takes for me is a bit of stopping and thinking to contextualize “just one more whimsical necklace/scarf with bird-print/v-neck sweater/burts bees lip balm” into my big-picture goals.

    • Meg Murry

      In addition to all the other advice given, remove your saved credit cards from any online shopping accounts. I’ve found that if I have to actually go dig my wallet out of my purse and pull out my credit card, then type in all the info, it gives me a little bit more time to say “wait, do I really want to make this purchase?”

      Now to exercise this same willpower on the Prime day sales I keep telling myself I’m not going to click on, and then clicking on …. so far I’ve managed to make myself remove everything from the cart I had added.

  12. anon

    I adopted a 2 yr old dog about 8 months ago. He was a little reactive and not trained, but housebroken and otherwise a very good boy. in may he peed on my bed twice. I got the enzymatic urine remover and treated it, but yesterday he peed on my bed again. I’m always home when this happens (I woke up from a nap in the same spot about an hour earlier) and he had been walked recently. He doesn’t otherwise do his business in the house, and I really don’t know what the issue is. He seemed to have adjusted quite well. How do I get him to stop peeing on my bed?!

      • Anon

        Absent that don’t let him sleep on your bed (this is possible, I untrained meet dog to sleep on the bed) and see if it happens anywhere else?

        • anon

          He has at various points been sleeping in other rooms. It doesn’t happen anywhere else, which leaves me totally at a loss.

          And if he had a UTI, would he ONLY pee on my bed? Or would there be other symptoms?

          • Anonymous

            Sometimes there are no other symptoms. My dog has had several UTIs and at least once there were no other symptoms besides pee accidents indoors. And yes, they were all in the bed. Maybe because she was more relaxed there or because she woke up in the morning and couldn’t hold it because of the infection? I don’t know, but it’s not as crazy as you seem to think it is.

            Any vet will tell you that when a house-trained dog starts having accidents indoors, the first thing you need to do is get him examined to rule out a physical issue. A UTI is probably a best case scenario. There are lots of more serious things it could be too. The vet can also advise you about steps to take even if s/he determines there’s nothing physically wrong with your dog. Writing this off as a behavioral issue like you seem really eager to do is cruel to your dog.

    • CHJ

      Definitely take him to the vet. He could have a UTI or another condition that is causing it. I’d also lock him out of the bedroom for now until you’ve figured out what is causing it.

    • Anonymous

      Could be a UTI or other physical issue. The few times my housebroken dog has had pee accidents in the house she’s had a UTI (she sometimes does #2 in the house when it’s snowy outside, but that’s a behavioral issue). Also, not to sound silly, but are you 100% sure it’s pee? Our dog licks her paws ferociously and makes a HUGE (seriously, it’s the diameter of a basketball) soaking wet spot on the sheets that could easily be mistaken for pee, but it’s just from her licking.

      • anon

        It smells distinctly like pee. And it’s yellow. How would I know it’s not a behavioral issue? He has peed in the house before, but to my knowledge it’s not a thing that happens regularly/in many months. Maybe I’m overestimating his housebroken-ness?

    • Anonymous

      My first thought is that he doesn’t know how to tell you he needs to go out. Even though he was walked recently, he might not have needed to pee at that time. Buy a set of bell chimes for the door and teach him how to use them to indicate he needs to go out. Teaching barking can be bad because it teaches him (a) that barking by the door is a good thing, which it isn’t always; and (2) sitting by the door is too quiet if you’re busy or asleep. Door chimes is disinct and obvious that he needs to go out. Also, as someone who dog sits — very useful for when he’s being taken care of by someone other than you. The person doesn’t have to guess whether he needs to go out or not.

      I also would replace the comforter because I doubt the enzyme completely got rid of the smell. He’ll continue to urinate on it.

    • KT

      So this is actually really common with new dogs, especially rescues.

      The bed is where your home smells the strongest of you; it has the most concentrated amount of your scent. Because he’s settling in, he feels he needs to mark his territory too, so he pees on the exacts port where your scent is heaviest. Nervous or anxious dogs are especially the biggest culprits. It’s them saying “this is me and my mom’s safe place, stay away imaginary monster!”

      Step 1: Keep your pup off the bed until he’s more settled and more confident. If you haven’t already, get him a crate that is his safe place and put him in there to sleep at night (if it’s in your bedroom, even better). He’ll learn that’s “his” space” and won’t need to mark it.

      Step 2: Wash your comforter on hot or take it to the dry cleaners–the enzyme cleaners just aren’t strong enough for such plush fabric/stuffing.

      Step 3: I know you said he’s housebroken, but err on the side of caution and treat him like he’s only partially housebroken, by taking him out to pee more often than you think he really needs.

      Step 4: Work on obedience training and teach him new commands/tricks to build your bond and his confidence. Then he won’t feel insecure and will lose the urge to “claim” you or a space.

      My pup was 18 months when we got her and terribly insecure and not used to affection. She was beautifully housebroken, except for our bed. After just a week or so with the above program, she learned she was in a safe space, had her own quiet area to be alone, and never peed in the bed (or in the house) again.

      • anon

        Thanks KT this is very helpful. I’m going to take him to the vet and then do these things.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          I like KT’s advice. I would also add a waterproof mattress cover (with a plus top so it doesn’t feel like sleeping on a diaper!) so that if he does it again, it’s not ruining your mattress.

  13. aaaaaah

    Since I can’t tell anyone in RL (thank you time zone differences…)

    Guess who just got asked to interview for her dream job? THIS GIRL!

    Now to spend the next two weeks trying not to panic. And brushing up on my French, since the job is in Paris.

  14. Gov. Attorney

    I need some advice from the hive. I love my current attorney job, but not the office politics that come with it. It’s a boys club, basically, which makes for a sometimes-frustrating environment. I recently applied for a position similar to the one I have now, with a different agency, and I have an interview next week. Ordinarily I would just hope Potential Job pans out, and quit old job. BUT, I found out yesterday that, after struggling to conceive for several months, I am pregnant! This is where the issue has come up: current job is unbelievably flexible with parents who want to work part-time, which is what I have always hoped to work when I had children. Work from home, set your own hours, etc.
    So, my question for the hive is, how do I find out if Potential Job offers the option of working part-time? I worry that asking about it in the interview will just get me cut, but is it weird to wait until I get an offer? It feels strange to be asking about working part-time when that is 35 weeks down the road.
    Any advice on how to navigate this one would be appreciated.

    • Anonymous

      Definitely don’t decide until you get an offer. Not weird to ask about their policies on part-time or flex time work.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re 100% sure you wouldn’t take it if they won’t do part-time (which is how I would feel too in your shoes), ask at the interview stage. You’ve lost nothing if they say no. If you might take the job anyway, ask once you have an offer and go from there.

    • anne-on

      So…this is the opposite of leaning in, but in your shoes I’d stay put. Working from home, especially during the first year of kiddos catching all the germs, is what saved me from quitting my job. If I had to go into an office/commute/put on real clothes/not have the option to work at 7am/9pm I would absolutely have lost it.

    • Anon

      Would you take the job if it was 40 hrs a week with no part time? If yes, go ahead and interview as normal and then if/when you get an offer, ask. If flexibility/part-time is an absolute dealbreaker, then go ahead and ask early on — no use stringing them along and putting yourself thru 2-3 rounds of interviews, reference checks, etc. only to find at the end that they are a 9-5 office that won’t consider any flexibility; even so — I would NOT ask in round 1. Go do round 1, if you get a round 2– then ask — either by phone before you schedule round 2 or at the round 2 itself.

      • Gov. Attorney

        It definitely is the opposite of leaning it, but it’s what I want for my family. My husband’s job is also very flexible with schedule, so he can be at home with the kids while I work part-time, so we wouldn’t have to spend on child-care. Thanks for the advice all!

  15. Anonymous

    Whine Alert: call the wahhhhhmbulance moment here – I deleted the contact information for my hot hook-up only man when I started dating my now-ex bf a year ago. I would like to check-in with the hot hook-up for some fun, but he doesn’t live in my area and I would need to text him. I only ever had his #. WAAAAAAHHHH I don’t want to get back on Tinder because I don’t want anyone locally to see me on there. #firstworldproblems

    • Tinderella

      I don’t really get the concern about not wanting people to see you on tinder – if they see you on tinder, it’s because they’re also on tinder isn’t it? Or try bumble! In my experience, has a much higher quality of human!

      you need to work on developing your roster of hot hook-up only men again ;)

      I’m working on it too – so far it’s a roster of one or two and a girl needs diversity!

    • Anonymous

      Can you join Tinder in the area where your hook-up is from? You said he’s not local to you, do you visit his area much? Avoids meeting local people on Tinder and you might come across him.

    • All the cake

      Check your old phone usage data. Mine lets me go that far back for texts. I live in an area with a lot of transplants and most people keep their hometown/college phone number, so it’s pretty easy to spot the number I’m looking for based on area code.

        • Anon

          lol what lengths!! (If you do go this route – no judgment – just maybe leave this part out when you tell him why you decided to get back in touch.)

          • All the cake

            Ha, definitely! It’s really pretty easy if it’s not a common area code in your contacts, but it does *sound* a little crazy.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Ugh. Phone bills. I went to great lengths to help a friend lose an ex-boyfriends number. (I was the one that suggested adding other numbers to the block list to mask which one was the correct one). I never even considered that she could check her old phone bills! Hopefully she is on autopay and never looks at them anyway like me!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks everyone for the suggestions! I live in a small town and there are some people who do not know the details of my relationship or its demise, for that matter and I don’t want to invite questions and gossip (although, I understand some of that cannot be avoided).

      Good points on the other social media – I don’t want to track him down on Facebook, but I think I can on Instagram. Woot!

      • anon

        real question here, not meant to be snarky…what is the difference between tracking him down on FB versus tracking him down on Instagram?

  16. Anon

    I’ve decided that I just don’t like summer clothes. I always feel too beachy or girly. It’s hard to feel sleek and put together and professional. Flat sandals have no support, but wedges feel so clunky and deliberate in a way ankle boots don’t. Also, it’s harder to cover up figure issues!

    I have like three dresses I love, but that does not a summer wardrobe make.

    Anyone with me?

    • LostInTranslation

      I’m with you. Talbots is having a great sale but when I had a closer look yesterday I just saw all kinds of crazy prints, pastels and other things that were great for weekends, but definitely not the image I want to project at work. Ditto some of the other stores I like. The floral, mint green, and lace trends are others that are just not conducive to a work wardrobe where I’m trying to be taken seriously in a male-dominated field .

      • CountC

        +1 I sweat and feel gross the minute I walk out the door in high humidity. I don’t like being hot. I hate that I have to wash my hair more frequently because I sweat and it is a giant frizz ball.

      • SFAttorney

        If you ever want to relocate, consider San Francisco. It is currently 64 degrees and breezy. Has been the same for a couple of weeks.

        • yes

          Yeah, I used to live there. It is now totally outside of my budget.

          Weather was perfect for me. Year round.

    • Catlady

      Agree. I only wear black and grey to work, mostly out of the need to cover up vibrant tattoos. That’s hard when every item of women’s clothing that isn’t black is see through.

    • Anon

      I have a couple of beige/greige blazers in a lightweight fabric (not linen) that go with just about everything and help with creating a polished but summertime office look. Just a shell underneath and it’s a quick and easy summer wardrobe fix.

  17. SW Desert Dweller

    I visited DC for ten days over the Independence Day holiday with a friend. Neither of us had ever been there before and had a marvelous time. I have a new appreciation for “hot and humid” and those of you who call DC home. I thought I knew what hot was but I had no idea that I could be soaking wet before 10 am every morning.

    I would be curious what you tell travelers they need to see when they go to DC? Obviously everybody hits the National Mall and at least one of the Smithsonian buildings. I’m telling everybody who listens from now on that they absolutely must visit the National Archives. And, if time permits a trip to Annapolis (both the Naval Academy and the downtown) and Mount Vernon. We spent a day exploring both of these places and thoroughly enjoyed both of them.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      The Capitol building, preferably with a tour through their Congressperson instead of the Capitol Visitor’s Center if their Congressperson is still giving them since those are smaller groups. (Some-most?-offices stopped giving tours when they opened the fancy new Visitor’s Center, though as someone who once gave the tours, I can attest that info you get on the tours through the offices may be, shall we say, not as accurate as what you get on the tours through the Visitor’s center.) I’m a fan of the Air and Space Annex, but it’s way out by Dulles.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for the weather appreciation :) Last week was brutal in terms of heat. I’d say go to a Nationals Game, they’re not overly expensive (except for the food & drink) and easy to get to as long as the metro is running. I love to take people to Great Falls (VA or MD side) if you have access to a car. One of the great things about DC is the amount of green space we have. Definitely Mount Vernon, and Arlington Cemetary is nice (though somber). Walking around the tidal basin over the FDR memorial is a good walk.

      • Anonymous

        I JUST recommended the (free, awesome) tours here to our office intern this AM. I hope she goes.

      • Anonymous

        Not a librarian, but the Library of Congress is on my list, too. I also surprisingly love the National Portrait Gallery (I am not an art person). I wouldn’t say it’s a “must see” if you only have a day or two, but any longer than that is worth a stop.

        I’m glad you enjoyed your trip! Last week’s weather was brutal, even by DC standards. Did you see the fireworks on the National Mall? Literally – did you see them? because it was so cloudy/foggy/misty I’m curious how visible they actually were.

      • anon

        Catlady, I did a semester-long sabbatical at the Library of Congress many years ago. It was quite eye-opening! I would never work there, but the Jefferson building is quite beautiful and I love the history.

    • Idea

      The US Holocaust Museum is very beautiful and powerful.
      I also liked the FDR Memorial, and also Arlington National. Yes, my list may be grief-centered, but I love learning and I learn new things and I find the powerful emotions a good corollary/complement to a lot of the rah-rah-America centricism and classic buildings that you encounter so much in DC (or, anti-Americanism, which to me is one of the best parts of American-ism!)

    • SW Desert Dweller

      I’m glad to hear (I think) that last week’s weather was brutal. There were times we looked at each other and said “how do people live here?” We went to Arlington and the Capital. I think those are on everybody’s “must see” list when they come. We tried to get a tour of the Capital from one of our congressional offices but it was too last minutes to get something arranged so that didn’t work out. I don’t know that everybody plans to see the National Archives. In fact, I don’t know of anybody who has visited DC who actually went to the Nat’l Archives. We weren’t at the National Mall on July 4. We were visiting friends in in VA so we didn’t see the fireworks. I did hear that you could see them but that it was very wet and muddy.

    • Em

      I live in Annapolis (and work in DC). So glad that you liked our little town! I always recommend the boat tours; the sailboat one is particularly good. And, most importantly, eat crabs! In DC, I love the Sackler Gallery and the Hirshhorn.

  18. follow-up on emergency funds / go fund me @ funerals

    I know of two people who died unexpectedly. Both were youngish (30s / 40s) and had non-working spouses and young children. Both of them made into the six figures (and had for some time) and had life insurance through work as a standard benefit.

    In both instances, I was asked to contribute to the family. I see how that is a thing when someone dies in other circumstances (self-employed, not insurable, completely catastrophic finances, etc). [And in both instances, the family as asking, no a well-intentioned but ill-informed other person.]

    We had a person who was an EMT die suddenly leaving two young children and I gave. But when the askers are so much better off than 75% of their co-workers, I didn’t know if they were really needy (and bad planners / savers) or it was just how things are now.

    I am updating my will and told my husband definitely not to do this if I die first.

    • Anonymous

      Is there a cultural issue at play?

      I was surprised when my European DH told me that people will often give cash in envelopes at a wake in his country. Money is designed to offset the cost of the funeral (sort of like cash in envelopes at a wedding I guess). Sending of flowers or charitable donations in memory of the deceased is apparently very uncommon in his country.

      • follow-up on emergency funds / go fund me @ funerals

        I doubt it.

        I thought of how some weddings just get gift-grabby and wondered if it was spilling over. I am used to asks for charitable donations. And go-fund-me accounts (like when an illness has depleted all of a family’s money), but the needs are so basic (we need the $ for shelter and groceries) and obviously unmet.

        With the well-off (if not rich yet) crowd (like income partners at a law firm), it rubbed me the wrong way.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s incredibly tacky, but I suppose it’s not as bad as people using gofundme to fund a dream vacation, which I’ve also seen. People are gross.

    • MomAnon4This

      Isn’t there some time limit on accessing some of the money? Like, you can’t access it right away or something? My son’s friend’s dad passed away, and the mom took time off from her job to schlep around to banks and government agencies and what-have-you with umpteen copies of the death certificate in order to prove that her husband had passed away and she needed access to their money. I’m glad you’r e thinking ahead, but certainly if you have young children, I’m going to help them out, whether it’s with the casserole brigade, carpooling to school (the dad who’d died took the kids to school, we stepped in a for a few weeks, along with other families) or $.

    • KT

      I don’t know the specifics, but for many, if the main breadwinner dies and the stay-at-home spouse hasn’t worked in some time, any savings can be exhausted pretty quickly until that person can find a job that can sustain the family. And if they do find a job, it’s often nowhere near the income their spouse made beforehand.

      And I know with my employers, the life insurance benefit was equal to one year’s salary–that’s not chump change, but it’s also not a multi-million dollar policy that, if used correctly, will keep the family for life. It can help keep a roof over their heads while they grieve and come up with next steps–selling the house, downsizing, job searching, finding new childcare, etc–but it won’t last forever.

      • follow-up on emergency funds / go fund me @ funerals

        One person had been a non-direct coworker (counsel in another practice area, 40s), so I knew the benefits (3x salary for the basic insurance and you could buy more — if I had been in that person’s shoes, I would have, but the basic benefit was really generous). If you’re past the point of life where you have student loans and have had a house for a while, I just don’t see you you get to be needy enough to ask for cash when maybe 90% of the world will struggle to get to where your heirs start at.

        I would have seen a different situation if it had been something like Child A is a type I diabetic and the spouse is always having to run to school and do blood tests and can’t work and no one has any health insurance now as a result (but usually that is made very obvious so it doesn’t look grabby).

        • Idea

          OK. You don’t have to give. Do you give to that 90% of the entire world?
          I’m not sure I understand — everyone has choices. You choose you.

      • Anonymous

        You can buy private life insurance though. You’re not limited to your employer-provided benefit (which, I agree, is trivial for most people). If you’re earning $100K and your spouse doesn’t work, you probably need at least $1M in life insurance, maybe more if your spouse is unlikely or unable to re-enter the working world for whatever reason or you live in a particularly HCOL area. I don’t think it’s my job to support someone whose spouse was previously earning six figures, because the family chose not to obtain sufficient life-insurance or save enough money.

        I also don’t think it’s acceptable to solicit donations to maintain your lifestyle forever. As you acknowledged, even a trivial life insurance payment will cover the funeral and keep a roof over their heads until they can sell the house and downsize their life. Why should their friends and family have to fund them going forward? The only situation I can imagine donating in would be if a friend was going to have their home foreclosed on or their children were going to drop out of school because there was literally no money available – but even a small life insurance payment will avoid that situation.

        • Anonymous

          Drop out of school? Last I checked, public school was free, and even private schools often cut a tuition break if the circumstances are dire.

          • lawsuited

            I may be wrong, but I think the subtext was that the children were going to drop out of school in order to work because there was no other source of income.

          • Anonymous

            I think she is talking about things that happen when people drop out to work to have money to pay for living expenses or to support the family. I bet many of your peers’ (and maybe even your own ancestors) never made it to high school. Mine didn’t. Public assistance exists, but has issues.

        • KT

          Oh I’m not saying it’s a good idea. And I hope parents would get more life insurance to care for their families.

          I think this is tacky, but I try to see good intentions. The remaining spouse may have no idea how to manage money, have any job skills etc and now has to pick up the pieces.

          No one is obligated to contribute or enable, but I’ve known too many people where were utterly dependent on their spouse for money and would be lost.

    • Sad

      Mostly, it makes me sad that financial literacy in America is so terrible that people of all income levels don’t have life insurance sufficient to protect against sudden, tragic loss.

      My MIL is convinced that the 50K whole life policy that she purchased my husband (and his siblings) twenty plus years ago is sufficient life insurance (and would probably freak out if she knew that we were shopping around for multi-million dollar term policies). His brother (same policy) has a SAH spouse and two small children. I shudder to think if something should happen to him – they would be f***ed.

      • Anonymous

        If I am a mid-late 20’s professional, making decent money but no “estate” to speak of, have student loans, and am very single with no children, do you think I still need life insurance? I just cancelled my policy through work because my thinking was in my circumstances I wouldn’t, but interested in other thoughts on this.

        • Anon

          In your circumstances I would consider the following:
          1) do you have a co-signor on any of your student loans?
          2) do you have enough liquid assets to cover the costs your family (parents, siblings, whomever) will incur in arranging your funeral/burial?

          Before I was married, I only had my through-work policy (2x salary exclusive of bonus, so roughly 300K), which would have paid off my student loans (parents co-signed so they would have been liable in the event of my death) and covered burial expenses. Now that I’m married and we’re planning on children, we are getting significantly more coverage (12x annual income on each of us).

        • Anonymous

          I don’t know the law on this. Are student loans automatically forgiven if you die, or would someone (parents? cosigners certainly, I assume, if they exist) be expected to pay them back? Would your assets cover the loans?

          When I was in your situation, I always kept my employer-offered life insurance (usually 1x salary) and named my parents as the beneficiaries. They wouldn’t have struggled to pay for burial costs, but I figured dropping $10k when they just lost a daughter wouldn’t make the situation any better, so if it was easy for me to offset that cost, why not?

          • Anon

            Depends on the loan.

            Federal loans – forgiven when you die

            Private loans – most are NOT forgiven when you die. Cosigner is liable. If no cosigner but there is a surviving spouse, surviving spouse is liable.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t give anymore even when I think there IS a legitimate need. A friend of a friend lost her mom suddenly when we were in grad school. Mom had nothing. “Friend” set up a fund to cover funeral, etc. costs and raised far more money than needed. She told me some months later that she used the money to send herself on a fabulous vacation. Which, look, if people want to give you money to go on a fabulous vacation after your mom dies, great, but don’t tell people that you need $X to bury mom when really $X = burying mom + vacation for you.

      • Mindy

        I give when I know the circumstances and know the money will make a difference. I do think it’s a cultural thing. In my asian community friends and acquaintances of the surviving children give $ to support and help relieve some of the costs of the funeral, etc.

    • bridget

      I generally have a lot of tolerance for helping out people after this kind of tragedy, but if you’re talking about people who are rather well-off, it’s just tacky. Yes, more money is always *helpful*, but that does not mean it is *needed*.

    • Anonymama

      Jeez, this is not about “getting” to do something. I’d assume some of it is because of either a cultural norm or people asking if they can do anything to help. It doesn’t seem any more tacky to me than having an address to send flowers to. It does seem tacky to be judging people who have just been through a tragedy on whether they are rich or poor enough to “get to” ask people for help. I also think there can be a lot of short term expenses after an unexpected death like that, possibly before insurance money is received or other accounts can be accessed, for things like child care, time off work, medical expenses incurred before death, funeral expenses, etc. Rregardless of financial situation I can imagine that something like that would be utterly devastating to a family, so I’d either help out where you are able, or don’t if you don’t want to or aren’t able to, but don’t judge if other people want to help out in whatever way.

  19. Scandia

    How to get rid of belly fat but not get obsessed with weight and calories?
    I never had any trouble with my weight, was a little underweight as young but kept some pounds after pregnancies, and my adult life has been comfortable under the recommended waist circumference except when pregnant. Now I have belly fat, like a real muffin top. I know why: stressful year at work, elderly parents and sick children made me eat way too much comfort food and a plantar fasciitis made exercising painful, also I am now in my late forties.
    I do not think I will gain more. I am back to exercising and back to eating a small chuck of very good chocolate in the evening and not a 4 oz random chocolate bar in the afternoon.
    I would like to get rid of this belly fat. I am short and small boned, making it quite visible. But I never did diet, I always felt ok with my body and I have seen girlfriends getting a little obsessed with calories counting and the whole bad/good food thing.
    Any advice?

    • Ellen

      Yay Kat! I read thru all the coments today b/f comeing here, and thing’s have got so complicated that I dare NOT offer my advise on these other issues. But Scandia is different. I am her, b/c I have belly fat also but LOVE food, which Dad says is a bad combo.

      What I do is to WORK OUT by walkeing, in addition to goeing to NYSC to work out on the weight’s. Walking does NOT directly address belly fat, but it does trim my body PROPORTIONEALLY, including the belly, tuchus, and legs. Nothing really for the arms, but my arm’s are NOT to flabby (yet). Grandma Trudy has VERY flabby arms, and I hope I do NOT get that, but Mom’s problem is with the tuchus, as is ME. FOOEY!

      So Scandia, try and eat HEALTHY (meaning alot of fish, not to much meat, and lots and lots of VEGGIES), and make sure to walk, walk, and walk. GET A FITBIT and use it. You will be pleased after a month, but do NOT expect miracles. Finaly, stay away from cakes and cookies. Those are terible, and the sugar goes RIGHT to the belly, leg’s and tuchus. YOU CAN DO IT if you KEEP TRYEING! YAY!!!

    • Emmer

      You say you are back to exercising and limiting the chocolate – give it time, it’s not going to come off right away, and unfortunately not nearly as fast as it would have when you were 25. That’s about all you can do without obsessing about weight and calories.

      • Scandia

        I would like to lift weigths, but I have had joint problems in the past, when I tried, mainly with my wrists, advice against that?

        I like swimming, walking, biking and execising on a mat, like planks

        • Anon

          Planks are pretty wrist-intensive, so I would think those have helped strengthen your wrists. For lifting, proper form is really important. I like to use lower weights until I get the form 100% right, and then when I increase weight, make sure that I keep the proper form. Don’t push out one more rep with bad form!

          Also, stretching your wrists in between exercises can help a lot. An easy one is to clasp your hands and rotate your wrists around. Or you can sit back on your feet (knees on the ground) and put your hands just in front of your knees – palms down, fingers pointed towards your knees). As you sit back on your feet, you stretch your wrists – moving your hands out away from your knees is harder, and you can move your hands on the outside of your knees if the stretch is too much in front. You can do this same stretch with your palms up, too (this one is harder, I don’t sit all the way back on my feet for this).

          Lastly, you can’t spot reduce fat. You either lose fat all over your body or you don’t. Unfortunately for me, my stomach is the last place I lose fat.

        • Catlady

          What kind of movements were you doing? Machines, dumbbells, barbells, etc? I get some pain when my wrist is flexed backward, so I understand. I do some general wrist mobility work (i.e. holding my hands in a prayer position but raising my elbows to flex the wrist) and wear wraps.

          You could try an implement that keeps your wrist neutral throughout the movement, like a kettlebell. Or you could try wrist wraps like these https://tuffwraps.com/ or these http://www.elitefts.com/shop/accessories/wraps/elitefts-sidewinder-wrist-wraps.html.

    • Anonymous

      the only way to lose weight is to focus on your calorie consumption and maybe adding some exercise – you have to take in less than you put out. you don’t have to weigh yourself though – take measurements or use a small on you pair of pants.

      Unfortunately, also no way to really localize weight loss to the stomach area. I’ll scream if my legs get any leaner, but my torso is the solid classic apple and it is the last place the pounds leave,

    • LAnon

      There are a lot of articles floating around right now that basically say “Exercise doesn’t help you lose weight, it’s all about calories!” However, I think I am similar to you in that I gain weight when I’m stressed. So, I have found the easiest way to lose weight is to make exercise a daily priority, just enough to get some endorphins flowing and work out some of the stress. (Some days it is a tough spin class, others just an evening walk.) That makes me much, much less likely to reach for comfort food.

      • Fat after Forty (blah!)

        And age is working against us as well …

        Beginning at age 30, most of us lose about 1 percent – or a third of a pound – of muscle every year, as the body starts tearing down old muscle at a faster rate than it builds new tissue. (It’s why world weight-lifting records for the 60-year-old age bracket are 30 percent lower in men and 50 percent lower in women compared with records in the 30-year-old bracket.) The loss of muscle, which burns more calories than fat, slows the body’s resting metabolic rate, causing us to pack on fat pounds through the years. While we can’t completely halt this aging process, researchers believe we can do a lot to slow it down, mostly through resistance training, or weight training, that targets specific muscle groups.Continued…

      • Scandia

        This is very familiar. When I exercise I can almost feel I burn the stress hormones.

        Also mentallly exercise is a great stress relief, it is my me-tiem.
        I really missed it, when My feet were very bad.

    • Anonymous

      On the advice of my doctor based on GI problems I have been experiencing, I am doing an elimination diet that is basically a gluten free vegan diet with eggs. I was not trying to slim down but I have lost many inches off my waist in the past 3 weeks. I used to look like I was about 4 months pregnant and now my stomach is flat. One of my GI issues was bloating, so YMMV.

  20. Anonymous

    Are you supposed to call an make an appointment at a tailor shop or just stop in? I’ve never been to one and don’t know the protocol.

    • BB

      Definitely stop in. If it’s a really small place, I usually call ahead to make sure they are open (my experience is that they sometimes have erratic hours).

  21. DifficultConversations - update

    Few days back I asked advice about how to nicely end lunch/walk that I have been doing with my ex-manager at work from last few years. I couldn’t make up my mind till a couple days back about what to do about the dinner invite and didn’t answer his email. Then I thought we (me and my husband) would do it and I wanted to tell him today. Today was the first time we were meeting in more than a month because either one of us were not at work for past few weeks.
    Last night he mailed me that he will not be able to do lunch/walk anymore as we were not working together and we were not family friends. I am sad something we had done for so long (7 years…) came to an end but also relieved. I replied to him and acknowledged that it is the right thing to do and thanked him for all the mentoring he has done to me.
    I am posting this update because I was shocked the way few people here guessed that I had something to hide and there must be more than a simple friendship between two of us. It is a shame that educated women with professions where they work with men closely and call themselves feminists couldn’t trust whatever an another adult woman was saying. I was feeling bad before posting here and felt terrible afterwards due to all those comments.

    • Anonymous

      +1000

      I’m sorry people made you feel terrible when they were the ones who were wrong (not you).

    • Emmer

      I am really sorry that others assumed there was something more going on. I 100% believe you and I’m sad that there are women out there who don’t think their husbands can have platonic relationships with women – it’s exactly the sort of thing that holds women back in the workplace.

    • Mentor

      I’m sorry to hear this. I remember your thread .

      It seemed that people thought your resistance to a simple dinner was disproportionate, rather than suspecting you had undisclosed feelings. It seems that your resistance remained, as you hadn’t called to set up the dinner. It is what it is.

      I agree that this is the sort of thing that can really limit mentoring for women.

    • Anonymous

      Cry me a river sweetheart. Hardly anyone said they thought something else was going on. Nearly everyone said just go to the dinner. Instead, you ignored the invite, and now instead of maintaining an enjoyable relationship you get nothing.

      • DifficultConversations - update

        Really? Please go back and read the thread.

        Going for walk with a man whose wife is jealous and suspicious of you is anything but enjoyable for me. As I said, I am relieved it ended. Also, even when I posted, I didn’t ask for suggestions on how to keep it alive, but suggestions for how to end it nicely.

        • Anon

          You seem really defensive when there was an easy solution to your problem. I wonder if there is something else going on… no one in the original thread blamed you. They gave you helpful advice which for some reason, you chose to ignore.

          • DifficultConversations - update

            I don’t think going out for one dinner would have solved anything. Most importantly, I don’t want to go out for dinner to prove to some one that I was not having any out of the order relationship with her husband. I asked for advice about how to end it nicely. Very few people gave me advice on how to end it though.

    • Anonymous

      I vaguely recall that thread – I thought that folks thought that HE might be secretly interested in you, not that YOU might be interested in him? I don’t recall anyone suggesting that you were lying, just that maybe you weren’t seeing the full picture. Which is totally understandable – we all want to think the best of our friends and mentors.

      Of course men and women should be able to be friends in the workplace. It’s equally problematic from a feminist perspective, though, to just assume that a wife is a jealous harpy when you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. Particularly when you KNOW that the husband is doing something inappropriate – he’s telling you that his wife is jealous of you, something that should clearly be kept private in his marriage. Whether that inappropriateness was born of romantic interest, we of course can’t know, but it’s not OK regardless. Not that that’s your fault, it’s not AT ALL. I think people were just trying to get you to see that his behavior was throwing up all kinds of red flags that you seemed to be (understandably) missing.

      • Nope

        I don’t think the husband here did something wrong by admitting his wife is jealous. Yeah, you normally don’t talk bad about your spouse. But, when your spouse is asking you to do something totally unreasonable, and you aren’t going to have another explanation for it, saying you are doing it for your spouse makes sense. Also, how are people in abusive relationships supposed to get a feel for what is normal or not. My friend in an emotionally abusive relationship didn’t realize how bad it had gotten because her now ex told her she could never complain about him to anyone ever. When you mention little things your spouse does that gets on your nerves, that’s when you see if the reaction is “yeah, guys are like that” or “woah, girl, that’s not right, he can’t say that to you.”

        • Anonymous

          No no no. This is not a situation where your male longtime BFF tells you that his new GF is jealous of your friendship. That’s not OP’s relationship with this guy. This is a mentor that OP has maintained a PROFESSIONAL relationship with over the years. If I recall, they weren’t even invited to each other’s weddings. It is totally inappropriate to discuss private details about your marriage with your colleague, whether you’re the mentee venting to a mentor or vice versa.

    • Legally Brunette

      It seems very odd that your mentor would email you and let you know that he can’t go on walks/lunch with you anymore. So what that you don’t work together or aren’t family friends? He was your mentor for 7 years!!

      I’m sorry that people made you feel terrible. I still believe it would have been a good gesture for the four of you to go out for dinner, but that’s evidently moot at this point.

      • Hi

        Then again, she was the one that responded to his request with…. Silence. She knew that she needed to give him an answer, but just hid.

        How old I’d the OP?!? 12?

        I just don’t get it. Sacrifice the relationship rather than have a couples dinner? That seems more crazy than the spouse’s response.

        The more I think about it, I don’t think it’s crazy for a wife to ask to meet you. Your response was too much.

    • Senior Attorney

      Wow, that’s crazy. Crazy on his part, I mean. Can’t begin imagine the conversation between him and his wife that spurred his email…

      I remember the thread and I’m sorry it made you feel bad!

    • bridget

      I don’t think that there was “something going on,” but I did think that it was immature of you to take this personally and not go.

      As I’ve said, many times, I have a lot of man friends and a lot of man mentors. The way to keep those relationships is to understand that their wives (and SOs) are incredibly important to them, and when I care about someone, I don’t want to cause trouble in the rest of their life.

      It’s not a “feminist” issue: it’s being an adult. Whether or not the wife “should” have an issue with this, she does, and the request was reasonable.

      • Anonymous

        This is unfair. Whatever relationships we choose to maintain in life are supposed to make our lives better in some way. If someone is key to our lives or social structures, they get more leeway; we all have relatives we’d just as soon never see again but, alas, they continue to show up for Thanksgiving. But this guy was not key to OP’s life. He was a former mentor who she kept in touch with and he was starting to pull away. Now after pulling away for a while, he asked her to put herself and her husband in an uncomfortable situation. Why should OP subject herself to that? Why should she want to get in the middle of a mentor’s home life? Why should she risk being mistreated by a wife who, by her mentor’s account, was jealous of her and disposed to dislike her? Sometimes it’s just not worth it. I think OP did the right and mature thing by wanting to bow out.

        • bridget

          Get a grip. There is nothing unreasonable about the request. No one suggested that she was opening herself up to verbal abuse for an evening. There is nothing uncomfortable – for normal people – about meeting the spouses of friends of almost a decade.

          Bizarre, really, how anyone would think otherwise. As one commenter on the previous thread said, if a woman were worried about her husband’s interactions with another woman, we would all be saying to meet her in person.

          Why so defensive? So very, very defensive….

          • DifficultConversations - update

            What is wrong with refusing to do something I don’t feel comfortable doing? The whole notion that I had to get my husband to dinner to make somebody’s spouse comfortable is very very uncomfortable. What about single women then? Who should they bring with them to make the a jealous person feel secure?

            I didn’t say I don’t want to go for dinner with him and his wife but still want to go for lunch with him. If I had said that, then people had reasons to think otherwise. I said, I neither want to go for lunch with him nor dinner with him and his wife. That should solve everybody’s problems correct (which is the case now by the way)?

        • DifficultConversations - update

          This is exactly the case. I asked here around two years back about how to end this when I came to know that she was jealous and he had to promise her not to drive with me to a restaurant. It was in that context he said we should do couple’s dinner. I didn’t want to go for dinner then, I don’t want to go now. However, that dinner proposal didn’t come up again till last month. As you said, sometimes it’s just not worth it and I am relieved it ended.

    • Cc

      Glad you got some closure although you are really twisting what people said. People took issue with the fact that you were blaming his wife completely and not your friend. Your friend is a straight up weirdo, but for some reason you were ok with dealing with that and sneaking around to lunches with him but only thinking badly of the wife and not him. He is the one making these choices- he may be influenced by the person he has chosen as a life partner but people rightfully took issue with your insistence on blaming only her. Your friend was acting terribly- telling you bad things about his wife, sneaking out with you and telling you she was jealous of you. You were refusing to see that which people questioned.

      • DifficultConversations - update

        Here is what one poster said

        “I really have to ask…. What is going on here that you are not stating? I sense you do have a vibe/relationship with your boss that you feel some sort of guilt about. Obviously you haven’t acted on it, and probably never will. But maybe it’s something you need to acknowledge?”

        I don’t have to sneak around for lunches, neither does he. If we had to sneak around, we could have easily done it and kept it a secret from his wife. He did the exact opposite. He was open about us going for lunch. I do agree that I didn’t have to know that his wife was feeling jealous. If I didn’t know that, I would have readily agreed for dinner.

        You have some major issues and you are taking it out on me.

        • Hi

          Sigh….

          Folks, she just can’t see it. And the fact that she posted about this ?? 2 years ago….

          Time to let it die. She won’t ever get it.

  23. Anonymous for this

    I’m so bummed out. I went home for the 4th of July to visit family and I’ve found out that my cousin is voting for a third party candidate. We live in a swing state. She’s the only female relative I have who is under 80 years old. It didn’t even start out as a political discussion. She’s a student whose major is political science and we were talking about history being made by Hillary Clinton. I know she hates Trump as much as I do but I was surprised to find out that she is not voting for Hillary and is disappointed that she might be the first female president. I don’t know where she is getting this from, our family is liberal and would not try to convince her not to vote for a woman. I don’t know why I’m upset about this, but I can’t help but feel bummed out about it.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s pretty understandable to feel bummed about it. People like your cousin may very well bring us a President Trump.

      • Anonymous for this

        Thanks. This will be her first time voting in any election. When I asked, she told me she feels they are both equally bad (for different reasons) and it’s out of her control who other people vote for. She also said she disappointed in me for supporting a candidate solely because she’s a woman. I guess I just thought we would both feel the same way and I’m disappointed that her opinion is so different from mine.

        • lawsuited

          I believe in strategic voting, so I get it, but really, your cousin has every right (as you do) to vote for the candidate she prefers without pressure from anyone else. I hope you won’t let it drive a wedge between you and her.

    • FWIW

      FWIW, I AM voting for Hillary and, at the same time, I am disappointed that she might be the first female president.

      • Hi

        Yes.

        I think she’s brilliant, and will work hard and do a good job. But I still wish our first female president wasn’t a prior First Lady…..

        And honestly, I assumed the first female president would be a Repblican, as I knew men (especially white men) would be more inclined to vote for this. So Hilary is a pleasant surprise. Although, she’s practically a moderate Republican in some regards!

        • Anonymous

          Your last sentence is the only thing bringing me comfort these days.

          Signed,
          GOP/Libertarian leanings

      • cbackson

        Add me to this list. I don’t like Clintons as a political entity, and generally have a strong aversion to dynasties in politics, and feel no particular enthusiasm about voting for Hillary. I will, but I wish it was something I could be excited about.

    • Anon

      I’m with H-Dawg all the way.

      I keep hearing people on team #neverhillary saying something to the effect of “she doesn’t deserve it.” Why? Bernie does? He white flighted out of brooklyn as soon as he got the chance, attempted to paint black southern HRC voters as “low information,” and all he does is yell. Cannot wait until he f*cks back off to Vermont.

    • Anon for this

      I consider myself pretty conservative but disagree with much of what Trump has to say (in my opinion, he’s not conservative –just nationalist) and the way he says it. That being said, I am vehemently opposed to probably 95%+ of Hillary’s politics, and am not only annoyed that she would be another liberal president but also that she could be the first female president (when she was first lady, is not well liked, and is one of two poorly liked major candidates in one of the most disappointing elections in history)?

      Why shouldn’t I, as a woman under 80 with a somewhat liberal family, vote for a 3rd party candidate if I agree with some of what they say? Now for me, it doesn’t even remotely matter since I’m in a blue state. But if I was in a swing state, I would be even more gung-ho about getting out and making my opinion heard.

      Everyone is entitled to their own political opinions. So is she.

      • Anon

        Because if you would make the choice to vote Trump or third party candidate, that means that you’re privileged enough (and white) not to be negatively affected by a Trump presidency.

      • Anonymous

        This makes about as much sense as those people who voted to ‘Leave’ in the Brexit referendum because they wanted to protest the governments policies. You can’t divorce your vote from the consequences of that vote. If you live in a swing state and don’t vote for HRC then you risk electing Trump. #math

      • anon

        “Why shouldn’t I, as a woman under 80 with a somewhat liberal family, vote for a 3rd party candidate if I agree with some of what they say?”

        Because this vote has a zero chance of getting that candidate elected, but a non-zero chance of contributing to a Trump presidency.

        There are two options: Trump or Clinton. There is no third option. You have to choose whether you would rather have a Trump or a Clinton. If Trump would be worse for you, or you care that Trump would be worse for a lot of people (esp. women and minorities) than Clinton would be, then you should not vote third party. You can either make a vote that helps Clinton, or make a vote that helps Trump. That is not a statement rooted in political ideology. It is rooted in math.

        • Anon

          Agree, it does matter. You can vote for Hillary, you can vote for the guy that David Duke has endorsed, or you can vote for someone else to ensure that the guy that David Duke has endorsed is elected.

    • JayJay

      I’m bummed that you think your cousin can’t think for herself and have reasonably held opinions that differ from your own and that her gender identity must dictate her vote.

      • anon-oh-no

        I don’t think this is the point. of course people can think for themselves and they have every right to vote for who they want. But I totally understand feeling sad and/or being upset when someone you think *thinks* along the same lines as you doesn’t.

        I have a number of friends who are liberal but have expressed their intention to either not vote or to vote for a third party because they “don’t like” Hillary. when pressed, they have nothing to back up their statements/beliefs. It makes me question my relationship with them — not because who they are voting for, but because of their underlying values that are driving that decision. when female friends tell me they don’t think a women can do the job, is too emotional, or doesn’t have the qualifications, that tells me something. sure, it may not be the whole story, but that line of thought doesn’t sit well with me.

  24. Apple Shape Pants

    Ankle length pants that fit an apple shape (similar to Old Navy Pixie… but maybe more high quality?)

  25. X

    Grr. Sprained my ankle in May. Went back to my doctor last week because it’s still swollen. Had another xray this morning. Turns out it wasn’t an ankle sprain. I fractured my foot!

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